What about regret. I was not a good mother when my children were growing up. I spent a lot of time very angry and confused and I deeply regret that now. What can I do about that?

hi Clare, I've been around your work on and off for a while and read your most recent book which made me see how I’ve unconsciously used my daughter as a way to secure myself up until when she was about 11 when I had another child, before which we were inseparable. In physical terms I did all I could to include her when the new baby came but somehow my system made the new baby the way in which to secure itself (because my daughter was going to high school, which felt like she was leaving me) and she got sidelined really, not physically but unconsciously. There’s a lot of guilt and shame around this. That was 10 years ago. I’ve noticed recently how much her grumpiness irritates me, we don’t have much to say to eachother and her lack of what I could call kindness, care and effort to sort her life out grates on me. So I looked at where is that grumpiness in me? Where do I not sort my life out? Where am I not kind? I see I don’t take care of myself by eating properly, I fear being happy because it looks like I’ll be rejected if I’m seen as ‘ok’.  so I see the mirrors and I am making efforts to eat better, rest and find an activity that brings me joy. I spoke to her last night about her rudeness and grumpiness and how sick I am of it. The urge to apologise this morning was huge! But then I just realised this morning, she has every right to be grumpy and rude and angry, I effectively pushed her away! No wonder she is angry and hurting and not sorting her life out and wanting me to rescue her! My question is how do I navigate this, which seems a tricky question because there is no ‘I’ to choose how to navigate it,  but I also don’t want to bypass and not face what is going on. In honesty she isn’t much fun to be around and I don’t particularly want to be around her. I’m afraid of letting her back in incase she hurts me, as she has done many times, as I have obviously hurt her. It’s complicated and heavy with responsibility, blame, shame and trauma, and hard to articulate it all by email without making it ridiculously long! I hope it makes sense and any wisdom would be much appreciated. Thank you 

Several times, I've heard you recall a personal story. It's that your family would enter the lottery each week, and each week, after you didn't win, your grandmother would say something like, "Oh, thank goodness for that." I'm not sure that I understand what you mean by it. Could you explain it a little more, please?

Dear Clare,   I am beginning to see the possibility of this, but I get stuck on the same thing, over and over.  I AM a separate physical entity in the relative world. Therefore there is a form of separation in my life. According to my understanding, what you are saying is that genetics and conditioning create my nervous system and thus Larry’s action figure goes on and does his thing and suffers in the world.   Then, Larry acquires through his nervous system another understanding that says he is powered (and so is this corrupted insane nervous system) by consciousness, Brahman, awareness or whatever you call it. Then comes the reflection that is not obvious to me: I should give up my ego and settle into this awareness and basically cease to participate with any intention in the relative world. So the choice is have a life in the relative world with ego or watch the automaton or the robot that I am in the “real world”. The choice is between having any identity separated or having no identity “enlightened”. All this while it is clear I am a separate physical entity performing actions in the relative world.  I think this conundrum may be why Syd Banks did not talk about non-duality in his presentation.    I did believe my nervous system is insane, but at least “I” can have a relationship with the world with it.   Help!Larry

Hi Clare. Just a thought re todays podcast following person’s comments about validation needing to come from within the self and not from outside as no one can give us validation. - I was thinking that it would usually be the lack of formative validation  or reassurance by a parent that would lead to the sense of need to repeatedly seek it thereafter. But when parenting is nurturing/ validating/ good enough there wouldn’t be the need to search for it within. This kind of validation from the loved one parent(s) is surely the affirmation of the inside of who we are; the manifestation of essential love. When this love is present, isn’t this how we come to be able to access and automatically tap into what is Home (love) in us and make it work for us as all is one? 🤔

A brief summary of this episode

can you please talk about intuition. There have been many times I have listened to inner wisdom - which I guess is the same thing as trust my intuition and it has turned out right. Is there such a thing as intuition and is this different from what you are talking about? 

I keep wondering about faith (and I don’t just mean religious ideology), which seems to be fundamental  for us to be able to come to awareness and let go of old conditioning patterns of belief. I do have an inner sense of spirituality and faith which I think I have brought to awareness through lifelong study, creative expression and trying to understand the causes of my suffering. But maybe what is missing for many people is a formative strong sense of faith that already knows on some level, its essential divine nature.

A brief summary of this episode

I realized I am confused about accountability. I think of accountability as responsibility, self-responsibility or personal responsibility vs. ultimate accountability. Can you shake out this confusion for me? I can understand taking responsibility regarding one's conditioning, but then I can't put my arms around ultimate accountability as something other than self-responsibility, which it must be since there is no self. Thanks so much for the help through this confusion.

What if I am thinking stressful thoughts on purpose?I have once had an obsessive thought about sth. I remembered that I recently read that if you just let it be it will go away on it's own. So I just let it be and it went away. But than I thought "but if I think about it again it will come back".And then I started thinking about it on purpose to prove to myself that there is still danger. It has been two years now and I am still thinking about it on purpose. It is not a particular thought now. It is just a feeling of fear. Then I always get very anxious and can't sleep at night. Sometimes I forget about it for a while. But when I notice that I am not thinking about it it's like I can't help but think about it. I think the problem is also that I am in a constant fight/flight mode because of my physical condition (because of nerve, vene and arterial compression)I'd love to hear your opinion on this.

Yes it's a bit woo woo question this one. As we are learning about our true nature being life's intelligence in this apparent form. It seems somewhere on the way taking the form, this intelligence suffered severe loss of memory. Only explanation that came up for me about this is that, it gets access to the richness of all experiences that can come up in this complexity of the human body. And secondly if life's intelligence is absolute - omnipresent. Do all these experiences gathered from all forms get stored? Like life's intelligence is getting smarter and smarter.I would like to hear your thoughts on this?

A brief summary of this episode

THE DIZZINESS OF FREEDOMThe rain falling on your head, and you brought no protection. Exposed, raw, you find yourself taking the next step. The heart breaking open, torn, ruptured, a bloody mess; only to reveal a thrilling courage you had forgotten in your search for comfort, and a kindness that only those who have suffered will understand.This strange love affair with uncertainty. The dizzying vastness of freedom. A tingly aliveness in the gut that you mistook for pathology. The path leading only into the unknown, all signposts gone. Not a path for the feint of heart, no, but for those who cannot lie any longer. And for those who have no other choice but to live. If it makes you weep, if it scares the shit out of you, if it takes you to the bleeding edge of your identity and makes you want to vomit... well, it may just be your path. - Jeff Foster

I'm re-doing Them 2022.I came up with an exploration about criticism.Because I hate my wife criticising me.So I had a look at who I criticise.My wife for her criticism!I also noticed a link between anger and criticism.Criticism of me angers me.And yet.I criticise the same people that I get angry about.

Please expand on these words "people are safe with the person who is prepared to hang out in the discomfort feelings and see what's going on there because it means no wars are started. To try and find peace within us, the war within us is identified and then peace."

The mind: two capacities, one truth

How do beliefs change? I hear about people doing "belief coding" which seems both ridiculous and sensible depending on how it is looked at. I guess now that the limitless nature of things has been glimpsed....the identified mind is looking for ways to open portals...but also there must be a logical way to do this...maybe? How do I make myself believe I'll earn £500,000 next year???

What is the role of belief in whether or not food is good for us? 

I have been reading Dr Shefali's new book Radical Awakening.  She talks about many faces of the ego, the helpers, the takers, the controllers (under each one of these there are many facets). We often identify with 2 or 3 predominantly. I was shocked to see one of them I identified with was the Princess (not all of it was me but some of it). I can see over the years that as I became a Mum, gave up my job and have been setting up my own business I lost all confidence in my ability to make my way in the world. I slowly gave away my power to my husband, I became the looked after one. I struggle with the idea that I can make my business a success and can not see how I can't rely on others to help me out. As a child I had a very controlling mother who diminished me & I allowed this to happen in my relationship (but I see this was me). I am actually terrified about how I can make my way in life. When I see others do it , I just think how, that will never be me even though I really want it to be.

My thoughts of the day...."A belief is only a thought I keep thinking.” Abraham Hicks.'A belief is a thought that we've been attaching to, often for years.' Byron Katie'Often when you put a label on someone or something, you create a limit—the label becomes the limitation' Jim KwickSome beliefs limit us, narrow our view, seperate us from others, cause conflict, trap us, allow us to bypass our experience, keep us small, make us superior or inferior.We live in a web of beliefs:-I can't, I shouldn't, they shouldn't, I'm not, they're not, it's hard, I couldn't, they mustn't, this is wrong with me, how dare they, who do they think are, they are, there so, I'm so, it's not possible, there's no way...So this goes on & on until we start to gently inquire into our belief system, into the matrix and the illusion. We can clear the path by insight, inquiry & feeling the pain of seperation.A recent one for me "My Mum, doesn't see me, validate me, she causes me pain". Her comments hurt me, like a stab in the chest. "Where do I get my validation from, is it her?" As long as I think it is from her it will never be so, she will keep hurting me as she is not my validation source.People are unreliable and inconsistent sources of validation & they will keep reminding us until we are ready to consistently ground ourselves within.My Mum said to me the other day," I would never have told you were amazing or special as a child as it wouldn't have been true. "Is it a surprise I was seeking validation from others? needing someone else to want me, so I attract a man in my life that couldn't do that for me either."You are amazing, you are the best, you are so wanted, so needed, you are special, you are important" Validation!!! As Clare Dimond says these mini rewards distract us & keep us looking outside of ourselves. This is not were our happiness lies.It is the consistent loving feeling that is always present within us & without of us.No One Can Give Us That!!!!People will keep pointing us back home! until we are ready to see.

Listener 1 I listented to it today and I struggle with the concept to just go into the anxiety, without further explsnation or help. I always experienced it as total retraumatizing, litterally devastating. In trauma therapy you first establish some ressource like eg a stable feeling in some part of the body and then oscillate between the safe space and the anxiety to not overwhelm the system. I don't think this is always necessary but some sort of connection to a bigger picture, like the space that we are or something like that to hold the anxiety is necessary in my experience to not overwhelm the system and to be even helpful in some way, other ways it's just plane torture. In other words I think if we don't see what we are and use it as anker the going into the feeling is more harmful than not.Listener 2 Hear what you are saying. This morning’s experience has been physically exhausting with the sheer adrenaline of it, that I fell asleep at my laptop for a wee while. When I’m in the panic it does feel like a retraumatisation as it’s happened before but I think there is now a bit of distance from it. I find it very hard to go into it as Clare would say as am so lost at that stage that keeping real and away from the projections of the mind is a struggle.  @⁨Clare Dimond⁩ could our comments  be a follow up podcast please? Others may feel the same.

I keep being told I’m too sensitive.  I have an artistic temperament. And sensitivity helps with this. I am tuned into people’s energies. On the one hand sensitivity is seen as  good thing and on the other it is an issue as people tell me I get offended too easily. Can you help me with this 

https://tatyanasussex.substack.com/p/beauty-q-and-a-with-clare-dimond?utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email#playFrom Tatyana: Dear Beautiful Friends,Are you ready for a mini-PhD in reality, freedom, and the awakened life—with some laughter thrown in? Meet my beloved teacher, guide, coach, friend, and playmate of the past three amazing years, Clare Dimond. I’m going to introduce her by going straight to the very last question I ask in my Beauty Q&As, because Clare’s answer is so 🤯 and 🐒 and 😱 and 💫 with a little 🧚‍♀️ thrown in.Me: What is a reason to be happy to be alive today?Clare: There aren’t any.*Clare is not nihilistic nor misanthropic; she is a teacher and author in the field of non-duality, an understanding that addresses (in a nutshell) the nature of reality and pokes at the truth behind suffering and the separate self. You might call it intimacy with all things, the Oneness of life. Clare’s groups and teachings are conversations that point in the direction of what it means to be alive in our bodies as infinite awareness and unconditional love.Something like that! I have been learning/working/studying/playing with Clare in this space for three years and still come up short with the right language to describe this field of exploration and awakening. *Because we don’t need a reason to be happy to be alive, and any reason we come up with is only true for a fleeting moment, then it changes.Let’s cut to the good part shall we? WATCH THE VIDEOWe slowed down, went past the 20 minutes limit and explored beauty, how it is an unconditional quality of life and can be a portal to awakening, freedom, expansion.We also talked about:What is Beauty & Does It Matter?The Artist’s WayPositive affirmationsIs the natural world calling us to be a collaborator in life?Being a human in a troubled world—how the hell do you cope?Going deep with our fears about global issuesWhat does the world want from us?How to rhumba on the playfield of life.Mystery as beauty, beauty as mystery.How does a non-dual philosophy teacher & author play?Distinctions between work & play, clients & friends.

A brief summary of this episode

A brief summary of this episode

Is it possible to have a good relationship with someone who is really traumatised. My partner had a terrible childhood and a lot of addiction as a consequence. They frequently have bouts of great anger and times of withdrawal from me. Is there a way through this for us to a healthy relationship 

A brief summary of this episode

On your podcast on 9th August you said that “the body is the judge.” I don’t know that I’ve heard it said that way. Could you talk more about that?  Perhaps some details — I am wondering what there is for me to see in the severe pain that is felt in my body /- especially in my hands and wrists. More than that too, some itching and just all the other things that come and go. There have been insights around the tightness and contraction with regards to limited beliefs/stories/ideas or critical ways of seeing the world. I’ve been aware of that for years. And meeting and greeting the pain with compassionate awareness, if pain is here is that indicative of judgement and gee how can that ever stop or be different? 

Reading your book ‘it’s not you and it's not me'. Please help me clarify exactly what you are saying and navigate my situation. I am in love with a woman let’s call her Ann. I think about her all the time. I get jealous when she talks about other men. I get upset if she doesn’t want to see me. This feels like love to me. There have been other women in my life who I haven’t felt that with . Are you saying the relationship with Ann is a play out of trauma and it is not with the other women? How can that be and what does it mean to be in love then if it is not to want to be with the other person all the time. .

Looping back to jiu jitsu again (also a metaphor for other things. And a complete mirror for me) - I’m tempted to say, well, it’s me who has decided that this is good for them. And clearly, it’s just not their thing. Let’s try another activity. Or no activities. And that’s probably true on some level, I suppose. But I’m also feeling that they haven’t actually experienced really doing jiu jitsu. Because they have been so caught up in “I don’t like going with this particular kid. They always go too hard. Why don’t I win medals? I’m too tired. That coach doesn’t like me,” and on and on and on.  So it doesn’t feel clean or right to say just quit at this point. But they seem to be moving further into the story with increasing struggle, and my suggestions or attempts to “explain what’s really going on here” (shockingly) have not been helpful. Also, won’t this cycle just repeat itself with the next activity they try? So I guess that’s my question… Can I help a little kid come more into reality? And now after writing all of that, it’s seeming like I should just keep using this as a mirror. 

Coming back to reality myself - the concept of the space within which everything, including shame and pain arises - how can attention  notice both?

So in answer to the humiliation and discomfort question I asked is, what harm am I doing to my mind and body when feeling immense discomfort that spirals into illness on a large scale for me?  It really puts me out of action and makes me fragile then in everyday living. 

You teach about perfect design in suffering on individual level (micro level). Can it be also on macro level in all what's happening around the globe?

you mention unconditional love a lot but I still don’t know what that is and where boundaries fit in with it. Also what is there difference between unconditional love and Limerance?

In today's blog you say"This shift from shame, the lowest and most painful of experiences of existence to the blissful sanity of no-doer is, I believe, the reason why enlightenment is such a powerfully transformative experience." I can see this within the context of a something that "I" have doneWhat about something that "another person" has done? Something I had no agency or control over."Me/Control"I sometimes (rarely now) feel ashamed about putting too much money into my business for too little impact."Other/No control"I have felt anger towards my birth mother for not living me enough to keep me.I think this anger was the flip side of feeling ashamed at not being good enough to keep

I‘m just reading this book: The way of integrity by Martha Beck and I have a question. She talks a lot about doing what you love and this confuses me. What is this even? Probably this inner yes. But what is this? Like the teaching. Do I love this? Would say no spontaneously. Having a family, baking bread, even cleaning, do I love this? Would say yes spontaneously. Does this mean I need to stop teaching to live in integrity from my inner yes? But I don’t. Why? Just don’t know why I’m doing it and don’t know why I’m not stopping it. Totally identified. How do you understand this doing what we love?

A brief summary of this episode

A brief summary of this episode

Five days ago our country was striked by catastrophic floods. Nothing like this happened before.And my question isn't from a place so people would feel sorry for us. It is from observing my actions/behaviours from this experience which brings this question.In these moments  it feels that ego is stepped from the front stage. And things I wouldn't normally do are being done. Shame and fear to protect the identity don't run the show in these circumstances. My question is if this is due to being more aligned with reality in moments like natural disasters, wars etc.?When the real body/life existence is at stake and not the survival of the identity.

A brief summary of this episode

Seeing the cycle of Face Fear -> Get Painfully Knocked Down -> Repeat lead to learning and growth and improvement for some. And (apparent) maladaptive response and (possible) traumatic experience for another. And wondering how much is possible to alter/influence for such young kids. And of course to remember to start with me and all the pointers Claire has given to people in similar situations.  But seriously, can we help kids/others have less cycle of retraumatization? I’m recalling that Claire would probably say to “Show them the way.” But unfortunately, I feel like I’m still in preschool with all of this myself :)

If a spiritual teacher says that future and past are an illusion. How does one write a biography about themselves? Is that an illusion from the past? 

The world is imagination and that is all relationships are imagination. How do we navigate around arguments, disagreements, people leaving you. Is it just one illusion that we should not even investigate why it happened or should we just move on with our lives. 

It’s not really a question, more of a comment really. I was just listening to your podcast, which I love btw, and saw how hard I have been trying to ‘get’ what you’re sharing, so that I can see who I really am and therefore be free, happy, content etc etc. I got that there is no me, so I was trying to secure my identity on Source energy or whatever you want to call it, but of course that concept of ‘Source’ that I had created was just another concept. My mind is scraping around, confused, desperately trying to find something, anything to secure itself on yet it can’t find anything that resonates and feels true. I think it’s going to be an uncomfortable couple of days as it readjusts. All my efforts over the last few years have, unknowingly, been on this, law of attraction etc etc, just to finally get who I am so I can have a different experience, isn’t that the promise that sold?! Now it just feels a bit like all that was wasted and I’m in free fall. My mind is saying “What the hell do I do with my life now? How am I ever going to survive/cope?” That allSounds rather negative, it’s not really, it’s just another layer falling away, to reveal what I have no idea! I didn’t mean it to sound quite so negative, I am grateful to you and I am just a sharing an explanation of my experience of your podcast. Thank you for all you do, it’s brilliant! 

‘as long as I am clear headed and not in a mental fog I can handle the discomfort and when I’m not I can’;t. Is that actually true though? 

A brief summary of this episode

A brief summary of this episode