WHAT AREN’T THEY TELLING US? The truth is out there, by which we mean ‘The truth is under one of these boys’ shirts.’ This is a podcast about The Bachelorette Canada, by the way. This description wasn’t very clear, earlier.

We're back! And on a very strange schedule, in a very strange land: A marvelous territory known as Canada. Join us for our voyage into the first season of The Bachelorette Canada, and witness Jasmine's pure and righteous quest for happiness. Also, just revel in this GOOD batch of boys. GOOD BOYS AHOY.

It's here! Finale day is here! We're wrapping up the last two episodes of Bachelor in Paradise, which were basically like a four-hour-long waterslide of douche chills and genuine romance. FOUR COUPLES ENTER. THREE COUPLES LEAVE. Okay, well, they all leave, but one of them leaves very, very sad.

We're back, and ready to wrap up the unconscionable about of Bachelor-franchise television that we watched this week. Let's check in on Ashley/Caila/Jared, since ABC won't let us NOT check in on that wacky love triangle! Also, HOW ABOUT THAT NEW BACHELOR, HUH?

If, for some reason, you're having trouble downloading this episode of the podcast, don't fret! You can just download any other episode where we talk about the non-existent relationship between Jared and Ashley I., because apparently, there are people who haven't gotten enough of that particular saga. Please, please God, set us free.

Things are settling down in Paradise, which is kind of a relative measurement, because boy, are things still pretty buckwild in Paradise. Join us for a discussion of this week's events, which include a fateful tummydrink and a full-blown assault on mankind by El Nino, the Crab King.

What a turbulent four hours of television ABC made us watch this week! There were heartbreaking send-offs, grody arrivals and even the ascent of an unlikely emotional core for the whole BIP experiment! And then: The worst hour of TV this franchise has ever made. It's a rollercoaster! That dead-ends into a dumpster. Full of scorpions.

Yes, we're doing another episode of Rose Buddies ONE CALENDAR DAY after the last one. We just have to talk about the events that transpired during the Season Premiere of Bachelor in Paradise! Which is to say: The whole thing was kind of a trainwreck!

The finale for JoJo's season of The Bachelorette has come and gone, leaving one suitor the victor, and the other a jilted Heart Virgin. Join us for a straight-up exhausted unpacking of last night's episode, and BRACE YOURSELF because HOLY SHIT, Bachelor in Paradise starts TONIGHT.

Haha, we're having a super great time watching and talking about the Bachelorette this week. What a wild post-season, full of twists and turns that definitely DON'T defy human reasoning and logic! And man, what a lighthearted, well-intentioned Men Tell All, where absolutely no dickheads were given 75 minutes to barf their garbage on camera without reservation. A SUPER GREAT TIME.

Hey, remember when we promised that a bad episode was working its way down the ol' Bachelorette pipeline? We found it! It was this one, the Hometowns episode, which was so full of manufactured trash that it literally made our brains bloat up with disgust.

Sorry that we suggested this episode was going to be anything less than it was: A BARNSTORMER full of SHOCKING TWISTS and TURNS and CHILLS and THRILLS. So many REVELATIONS up in this episode of the Bachelorette. Let's break them down.

There wasn't a new episode of The Bachelorette last night, which is REAL COOL, ABC. COOL STUFF. Not like our whole enterprise depends on you creating and publishing new content, or anything. Anyways, we're talking about the next best thing on today's episode: The television show UnReal, one of our favorite franchises on the Lifetime network.

We down in SLUMPTOWN now, y'all. It's only natural; there's a few too many cooks in the kitchen at the moment, and most of those cooks are essentially the exact same person. Fortunately, the producers of The Bachelorette have left us a few wonderful gifts in this episode -- gifts made of human tears and masterful film editing.

Let us sing the final stanza of the song of Chad, and be done with it. Who will fill the power vacuum left by Chad's bulky, protein-infused frame? The answer is, of course: All of them, in their own way. All the boys are Chad, now.

Breathe in deep the fresh Pennsylvania air, and bellow out the first stanza of the Song of Chad. We're covering a very special two-episode chunk of The Bachelorette; a chunk that promised us lots and lots of man-on-man punching. How much man-on-man punching? We don't want to spoil it for you, but literally none.

WELCOME TO THE CHAD ZONE. This is now Chad's game to lose, and boy, is he going to lose it. We're on episode 2 of JoJo's season of the Bachelorette, and already things are getting both wet AND wild. Come hear us talk about pre-love, Chad's meat addiction, and an exploration of some of James Taylor's best sex songs.

Hello, and welcome back to our garbage hole. We are the king and queen of the garbage hole, and The Bachelorette is our only form of sustenance, here, in the garbage hole. We're talking about JoJo's debut episode of the new season of The Bachelorette, and the many clown-suitors who have cast a shadow over her life. Let's have a fun, safe and exciting new season, everybody!

It's been a long couple of months, but the dawn of a new season of The Bachelorette is nearly upon us. Join us for a bonus-length episode as we discuss the fleet of boys vying for JoJo's heart, and break down the Fantasy League rules we'll be playing with this year!

For this, the final installment of Roze Buddiez before we get back to our core competency, we're talking about two different television programs: Ireland's Take Me Out, and the identical Chinese show, If You Are The One. Also, we mourn the loss of a dear, wet friend.

This week, we watched a show that is literally titled Please Marry My Boy. It made us laugh harder than maybe any show in the history of television ever has? We hope we can pass some of that good, good energy along to you, our listeners.

Beauty and the Geek is like a little, mean time capsule of an era where reality shows just needed to be hateful and literally nothing else. It put a weird and bad taste in our mouth, and made us miss Are You The One — and, oh yeah, The Bachelor — desperately. Enjoy the episode!

Rose Buddies is dead, long live Rose Buddies. We're the One-ders, now, your one-stop shop for everything Are You the One? related. In this ep, we break down episodes 6 - 10 of Season Three, in which most of the dudes do some monstrous shit, and everyone does everything they possibly can to not win the game.

We're gonna stay on this little slice of heaven for as long as we possibly can. In our second discussion about MTV's excellent dating reality show/advanced math problem, we're taking a look at episodes 2 - 5 of Are You the One?, season three. Join us in the Truth Booth, won't you?

Yes, it is. The one, I mean. Sorry, let's back up: Rachel and Griffin, in their continued journey through the land of reality dating TV, have just watched a show called Are You The One. It was like a refreshing spring breeze after the harshest winter imaginable.

Wowie zowie, what a bad television show. We are sorry that we keep doing this to you. Bachelor, please. Bachelor, we are begging you. Come home, Bachelor.

We're between seasons of The Bachelor and Bachelorette, which is terrible, because it has led us to this: A series of episodes in which we explore shows that are not The Bachelor and Bachelorette. We're starting things off with Flavor of Love, which is an absolute dumpster fire.

The finale is here. A shocking twist. Startling revelations. Unbelievable emotions. Lives are changed. Lives are ruined. Anatomy is blurred. Two women enter. One woman leaves. All are axed.

We discuss the unconventional Women Tell All special, during which accusations are hurled at Ben, the contestants and also a real life barnyard animal. We also have some programming notes, by which we mean about the future of Rose Buddies, but also about the literal cybernetic programming of CAILA-001.

This episode gets wet and wild, everybody. Just a heads up, here, before we get started. Adult themes are discussed, becuase it's Fantasy Suites week, which is another way of saying that it's the Doin' It Episode. Seriously, very ribald stuff, ahoy.

It's hometowns week, which means it's time for our semi-annual celebration of a dude telling four families the exact same stuff about their real-life children. But there's more important stuff happening here, in the real world -- namely, the vicious betrayal of a trusted, vitamin-filled friend.

This week's Bachelor was a fairly tame lead-up to the absolute FIRE that is Hometowns, but there were still plenty of noteworthy occurrences. Like that time that Ben piloted a boat into a crowd of women, or when Ben made a woman eat a french fry out of his mouth like a mama bird.

After last week's totally thrilling cliffhanger, Griffin and Rachel return to discuss the brutal efficiency of Ben Higgins: The Axeman. Four women got the boot this week, and we're all like, yo Benny, where's the fire, man? Take your time. Live the moment. Feed the swimming pigs.

Rachel and Griffin discuss the events of a pretty big snoozer of an episode, including the heartbreaking dismissal of a flawless contestant. There's also a live Superwater Zero taste test, which, buddy, that's just good radio.

Griffin and Rachel discuss the hidden talents of each contestant as revealed in Week 4: CAILA-001's aggro-sensuality, Lauren H.'s unique kiss texturing, JoJo's ability to track and kill a wild white rhino on the Las Vegas strip and, of course, Olivia's ability to fit four to six Nintendo 64 cartridges inside her head.

Rachel and Griffin explore the racial overtones of one of the most bonkers episodes of this show they've ever seen. Ben utters four words that absolutely set Griffin's brain on fire.