It’s hard to picture Fred Rogers as a parent. Of course, we can easily recall him as Mr. Rogers, patiently and lovingly explaining things to generations of young viewers at home. But that was his work. Could he have really been like that at his home? Or was he much less perfect there—losing his temper, stressed about money, involved with himself?Obviously no one really knows the answer to this but his kids, but from the various recent documentaries we are told Fred Rogers was a great dad. We know that Fred Rogers tried very hard to be the same kind and understanding man that he was for other people’s children with his own. Did he have his own issues? His own flaws? Absolutely. Who doesn’t? But he also knew the stakes were too high to simply leave it at that: When we choose to be parents, we accept another human being as part of ourselves, and a large part of our emotional selves will stay with that person as long as we live. From that time on, there will be another person on this earth whose orbit around us will affect us as surely as the moon affects the tides, and affect us in some ways more deeply than anyone else can. Our children are extensions of ourselves.Our responsibilities as parents extend far beyond just putting a roof over their head and packing lunches for school. It includes working on our own emotional issues and ourselves so that the little people in our orbit don’t get thrown out of whack (remember John Wooden’s advice: A Little Fellow Follows You). We can’t be consummate professionals at work only to come home, loosen our tie or our belts, and then just wallow in our personal status quo. We have to be growing, improving, actively working to provide a good example and a safe place for our kids to grow and learn. We chose to bring them in the world. They depend on us and watch our every move. Now we owe it to them to live up to the stakes of the situation we have created. Every. Single. Day. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We’re always in a rush. We have to get them ready for school. We have to get them off to bed. We have to get to the airport. We have to get back inside. We have to finish up dinner. We are, as parents, it seems, perpetually short of time and always eager to get to the next thing. But it’s worth stopping and thinking this morning, what we are actually rushing to and what we are rushing away from. You’re wrapping up bedtime quickly, why? So you can sit and watch Netflix after they’re asleep? You cannot stand for them to be late to school, why? Fear of other parents judging you? You want to be to the airport how early? And for what reason? Because it recommends doing so on your ticket?As dads, when we rush, we should know that we are hurrying through life. We are zipping through their childhood—the exact thing that we will stop and miss at some point not long from now. How much of this will seem important then? How much would we give for a few minutes back here, that right now we seem to want to be over as quickly as possible?We are rushing through the 18 summers we get from them at home. We are rushing through the few hundred breakfasts before they are sullen, hormonal teenagers. We are rushing out early in the 4th quarter to beat traffic in one of the last football games we’ll be able to see together before they have kids of their own. We are rushing towards an uncertain future—one in which we might have cancer, in which a war might break out, or one in which we might be much, much busier with work than we are now. So slow down. Enjoy it. They call it “the present” for a reason—because it is a gift. Appreciate it. Don’t scarf it down. Savor it.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It’s easy to think that money is the solution to most of the problems of parenting. After all, we remember our own childhood and the things that money could have provided us. If only we could have had Invisalign instead of those awkward braces...If only we could have lived in a better neighborhood...If only Mom and Dad didn’t have to be so stressed...If only we could have afforded coaches or tutors, we could have gone pro or gotten into Harvard. It’s true, money does make some things better. It’s certainly better to have it than not have it (Seneca was right when he called wealth a “preferred indifferent,” not good or bad, but nice to have). But it’s a mistake to think that money will magically create a magical childhood for your kids. It’s not true that money will guarantee them a good life or prevent them from feeling pain or loss. It’s not true, as we have written, that money is even high on their list of needs. What kids actually want is you. What kids actually need is Dad. As Dear Abby quite brilliantly put it in a column back in the 1950s, “If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them, and half as much money.” You can’t pay someone to be there for your kids. You can’t pay someone to do the job only you can do. Sure, money can make things easier, but it is no substitute for quality time (or garbage time). It will never be as important as what you can provide by being hands on, by being a good example, by showing them you care for them and value them. And the proof of this is how many people—including you and your own childhood—were able to turn out just fine without much money.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It’s so easy to make threats as a dad. If you don’t stop that, I’m going to turn the TV off. If you don’t start being nicer to your brother, we’re going to go home. You have to pick up your clothes first, or else there is no snack. You do it when they’re little, and if you remember your own childhood, it keeps happening all the way through—about curfew, about grades, about keeping their room clean, about how you talk to people. But while making threats is easy, keeping one’s word is harder. Because the link you made between a clean room and the TV was totally artificial and you didn’t really mean it. Because you still want to go to the basketball game with your daughter, and really don’t want to have to enforce it as a punishment. Think about Obama and the red line he drew in Syria. He meant it...but he didn’t really mean it, and when his bluff got called, the whole national security picture changed. As a parent, it’s critical that you mean what you say. So enforce every threat with the firmness of a dictator? No, how about you make fewer threats? How about you stop forcing things together that you’re not serious about? This way when you do make a causal link, it’s because it matters. When you draw a line, know that it’s worth enforcing. Know that you will enforce it. So your kids learn that words mean something. Specifically that your words mean something.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Perhaps you’re familiar with the scene in the Bible where Moses—aided by God—parts the Red Sea. It was a miracle of epic proportions that allowed the Israelites to race through and escape the Egyptians who were chasing them. Lesser known about the miracle is what happens next. When Moses released the sea, the Egyptians were trapped. The water crashed around them and thousands perished.Naturally, the Israelites broke out in song and celebration. As the angels went to join them, God rebuked them, according to the Talmud. “How dare you sing for joy,” it was written, “when My creatures are dying.”Now whether any of this actually happened or not doesn’t change the lesson. It is easy in the midst of victory and success to think of how wonderful this is for you. It’s also easy to forget who or what your “winning” might have come at the expense of. We must be careful not only to be good sports in this life, but empathetic and caring enough to realize that things are not always as great for other people as they are for us. Proverbs 24:17 expresses it well: “Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth.” It’s these kinds of ancient and timeless lessons that we must pass along to our children (to say nothing of following ourselves). If you are reading this email, you are privileged in some way. You can afford a computer. You are alive. You are literate. You are lucky enough to have children and know that they are safe. Fate has not been so kind to everyone else. There are others out there drowning. Somebody at a factory in China had to make the computer or smartphone you are looking at right now. Others didn’t get to go to school. They have no help, no one is looking out for them. You can still enjoy what you have and you should still want to win in life. But don’t be so clueless and self-absorbed as to not care that other people are suffering. And don’t raise children who are indifferent to it either. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We take care of our own, we say. Family is family. Blood is thicker than water. These are noble sentiments that have encouraged beautiful sacrifice, forgiveness, and accomplishments. One problem with it though is that it too easily justifies provincialism and nepotism. A recent social critic observed that not long ago when people talked about getting together to do something “for our kids,” whether it was build a swimming pool or invest in education, it was obvious that they meant everybody’s kids. Or, at least, they meant more than just their biological kids.But unfortunately, that’s changed. When we say “our own” we don’t think Americans or whatever country we live in, we think race. Or we think our blood relatives. That’s awful. This system we live in demands that we think of ourselves as more than just parents to our own kids. We have to think generationally. We can’t just think about getting ours, or protecting ours. We have to think like a village, like a group.The Stoics remind us that we are “made for each other.” Marcus Aurelius spoke dozens of times about the “common good.” He didn’t just care about his kids. He cared about everybody’s kids. Because that’s what justice—what doing the right thing—demands of us. It’s better to think of “our kids” as everybody. We’re all in this together, every single dad. We’re all better if we’re doing better, together. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

One of the unusual side effects of our modern lives is how siloed work is for most people. “Work” is a place you drive to in the morning and come home from in the evening. It’s what you’re doing while your kids are at school, or in other cases, while they’re asleep at night. Great dads (and healthy people) aspire to what we call “work life balance” which only further perpetuates this silo. Work is not supposed to intersect with your time with your kids. The problem? Well, where are your kids supposed to learn the importance of work ethic? How are they supposed to know what a hard working dad looks like if they never actually get to see it? How are they supposed to learn what work looks like at all?There is an old Latin expression A bove maiori discit arare minor. The younger ox learns to plow from the elder. That’s because the oxen would be harnessed in together. The kid would not only get to see their dad do what they do, they’d be literally strapped into it together. Obviously good boundaries are important. Obviously you don’t want your work life to overwhelm or interfere with your home life. But make sure that striving for this balance doesn’t accidentally deprive your kid of an important example—Dad, the provider. Dad, the protector. Dad, the hard-working guy they can hold up as an inspiration. It doesn’t matter what your profession is, whether you’re a CEO or a stay-at-home dad or you’ve since retired. Show your kids your work. Show ‘em how much you put into it. Let them see you sweat. It’s good for you and it’s good for them.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It makes sense that you and mom would make most of the decisions for your kids. You guys know more. Your kids basically know nothing. About life. About what the weather is going to be tomorrow. How the world works. You, on the other hand, have been 7 as well as 17-years-old before. Not only does that give you a lot more experience, but it’s also pretty obvious that most decisions don’t matter. You’ve got places to go and more important things to worry about, so you pick their clothes out to be done with it—to move things along.The problem with this is that you’re depriving your kids of a very important skill: The ability to make decisions. Is it any wonder than so many teenagers are utterly overwhelmed when it comes to choosing where to go to college? Or what to major in? For most of them, it’s the first real decision they’ve made in their lives.That’s why, as a Dad, you have to actively work to not choose everything for them. Ask them whether they want to go to the park or play catch in the yard. Ask them what movie they want to see. What should we cook for dinner? Do you want to take a shower tonight or a bath? Would you rather go out for the baseball or the basketball team? If you don’t like mowing the lawn, what’s another chore you’d like to do to contribute around the house? Shorts or pants today? Go pick out something to wear. Teach them how to choose. Empower them. Make sure they know how to decide, and to be OK with it, even if they decide wrong. It doesn’t matter that you know more. Let them learn. Life is decisions. Prepare them for it.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Seneca was a father, though we don’t know much, if anything, about his son. We know he was a wonderful uncle, and that he struggled valiantly as a tutor to reign in the impulses of Nero. What kind of father was he? How did he teach his young charges? We don’t have many specifics, but in his essay On Anger, Seneca does give us fathers some advice on how to raise our kids—specifically when it comes to making sure they are not spoiled, mean, or cruel. Here is a thought from Seneca this morning on the importance of encouragement and freedom:A boy's spirit is increased by freedom and depressed by slavery: it rises when praised, and is led to conceive great expectations of itself: yet this same treatment produces arrogance and quickness of temper: we must therefore guide him between these two extremes, using the curb at one time and the spur at another.He must undergo no servile or degrading treatment; he never must beg abjectly for anything, nor must he gain anything by begging; let him rather receive it for his own sake, for his past good behaviour, or for his promises of future good conduct.Our job as Dads is to encourage as well as enforce, to spur as well as curb. One kid might need more of one, while another kid needs less of the other. The same kid on different days might need different things. But that’s what you’re there for. That’s what you’re supposed to help them with—to spur them to want to be great by themselves.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

There are going to be moments in fatherhood—when you’re dancing to Baby Shark to entertain your kid, or you’re way into the third book in the Twilight series for your daughter or you’re making the lamest dad joke of all time—where you might be tempted to step back and think: Oh God, what would the twenty year old version of me think of this? I told myself, I’d never be this guy, and here I am setting up a tent at a soccer game and putting sunscreen on my nose. If they saw me right now, would they mock me mercilessly? Would they kick my ass?We all think that. We all have that 16-year-old or 25-year-old in our head with their strange, arbitrary and always critical standards for what selling out, or settling, or giving in looks like. Here’s the thing though—and hopefully your own kids give you some perspective on this—but you had absolutely no idea what you were talking about when you first thought those things. You were inexperienced. You were entitled. You were completely self-absorbed. And you were insecure and you were scared and you had not even an inkling of what real love and happiness was. So that you would be different now, at age _____ with _____ kids? That you would be doing things now you never thought you’d find yourself doing? That’s not selling out. That’s not settling. You’re not a loser. No, you just know something about life now. You know what really matters now. You know what is important to you. And you don’t care as much what people think anymore...starting with that naive teenager in your head.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Did you know DJ Khaled has a son? And his name is Asahd? Of course you did, because if you’ve heard of DJ Khaled even once in the last couple years, it’s probably come up. His social media feed is like 100% photos of his kid (Asahd had his own Instagram account with nearly 2 million followers). His dad named his most recent album Father of Asahd. He put a picture of his kid on the cover. In interviews, he even claimed his son “produced” the album. Dad even designed a signature shoe with Asahd that they sell at Kids Footlocker.All this for a two year old. It’s cute at first. But if you think a little bit more about it, it raises some red flags. Is this really what the kid wants? Is this really healthy or appropriate? Or is it just a cheap way to get attention and exploit his cuteness? Most of us are not rappers or influencers, so the ethics of a lot of those questions are sort of irrelevant. But we are dads and it’s important we draw some clear boundaries when it comes to our kids. Our kids are our kids. They are not status symbols. They are not extensions of us (or our brands). They are not here so we can impress people—at dinner conversations or in the media. Where they go to college says nothing about us. How cute they look dressed up for their birthday says nothing about us. Our job is to take care of them, not exploit them. We’re supposed to let them get to be normal, to have a childhood—not to draw them into our adult world prematurely, or because it’s easier for us. That’s the best gift the Father of [Insert Your Kid’s Name] can give them. It might not seem as cool as a platinum record or a shoe deal or bragging rights in front of your friends, but it will go a lot further in making sure they have a healthy, balanced, happy life.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

One of the most interesting passages in Marcus Aurelius is this one:Epithets for yourself: Upright. Modest. Straightforward. Sane. Cooperative. Try not to exchange for others.These were essentially the words he wanted to live by—his principles expressed in the fewest syllables possible. At DailyStoic.com we’ve spent the last couple years talking about how important it is to figure out what these epithets are and to make sure we are living by them.But here is another way to look at. What if as a father you sat down—ideally with your co-parent—and fleshed out what those words mean for each of your children too? As in what kind of kid are you trying to raise? What are the watchwords that you are attempting to move them towards with your parenting?Some obvious ones:Kind.Loyal.Moral.Honest.And maybe some more specific ones to help them succeed in the worldCreative. Bilingual. Hard-working. A lifelong learner.Maybe to some dads it’s important for their kids to be athletic. Another, a reader. Others still that their kids live a life of service. There is a lot of room here for choice and most of the answers are right. But if you don’t know what you’re aiming for, how can you expect to hit a target? How do you know you’re not accidentally teaching them to exchange one epithet for another? The truth is you can’t. So get writing.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Even the most patient dad gets bored. Or has somewhere to be. Or really doesn’t see what makes this flower--the 400th one drawn in a row--so special. So we want to prod our kids along. Dinner’s almost ready. We’re going to be late. The game’s about to start. It’s really hot out here.The entrepreneur Derek Sivers has talked about how hard he works to override these instincts. Because the truth is, most of the stuff we’re rushing to is not that urgent. “Whatever he’s doing right now, that’s the most important thing,” Derek wrote. “So I encourage him to keep doing it as long as possible. I never say, ‘Come on! Let’s go!’ Of course my adult mind wanders to all the other things we could be doing. But I let it go, and return to that present focus.”There is a certain amount of Zen in that, which is valuable to us for its own sake. But with regard to our kids, it’s also teaching them a valuable skill. Shouldn’t we want them to develop the ability to focus and pursue their curiosity? Isn’t it worth it for them to get a little dirty or for you to show up to the birthday party a bit late because they were really, intensely alive for a few minutes? And isn’t this a better problem to have than struggling to motivate a bunch of screen addicted zombies, as is so often the case for modern parents these days?Encourage your kids. Resist the urge to hurry. It’s not really time to go. You’re exactly where you—and they—need to be.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We were all deprived or hurt in our childhoods. Even the best parents left something to be desired. Maybe we were ignored. Or maybe we were pressured too much. Maybe Mom’s insecurity was a burden to us. Or Dad’s sense of humor cut too deeply. Maybe our family was poor. Maybe our family was too rich, too materialistic. We wished then that things would be different. We wished that they could just understand. That they could just give us what we needed. It didn’t happen. And that hurt. But now we have a second chance. Now we are the parent. You are Dad. The question then is what are you doing to do it differently? How are you going to handle this second chance? The past can’t be undone. But we can heal old wounds by being for someone else what we needed ourselves. And we can make a better world by being for our kids, what our parents were not for us.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Because women can seem so much better at this parenting stuff, because historical gender roles have often decided for them that most household duties are their responsibility, there is a secret strategy that father’s have been relying on for generations: Pretend to be bad at something and your wife (or your mother or a well-meaning neighbor) will take care of it for you. Feign like you can’t figure out the car seat? Here, I’ll do it.Make a couple really bad dinners. Here, I’ll do it.Act really overwhelmed. Here, I’ll hire a babysitter to help while I’m out of town.Any dad can tell you, this works. Deep down, they also know it’s incredibly manipulative and unfair. It’s a violation of a basic principle of adulthood, too, because instead of stepping up for ourselves and our commitments, we’re letting someone else do it for us. The Stoics said that we are responsible for blowing our own noses. We are. And when we became dads, we signed up to blow our kids noses until they were old enough to do it themselves. We can’t just pass these responsibilities onto our spouse or their mother or even hired help. We have to do a lot of it ourselves. Because we signed up for it. Because it sets a bad example if we don’t. Because we’ll be better and more confident if we get some wins under our belt.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

In her memoir, Composed, Rosanne Cash talks about how she wished she was as a parent of small children and how different that was from the reality. She recalls that her biggest rule ended up being no juice after 5pm. Why? Something about sugar before bed. In any case, although she knows she did the best she could, Rosanne looks back and wishes she had imposed more structure, more rules on her young children. That’s something we have to think about as dads. Part of the job of a parent is to come up with the rules of the house and to enforce them (and for them to make sense too!). Winging it might seem better, except that means you’re judging every situation anew—deciding in the moment what to allow and what not to. Letting things slide might seem easier, but the chaos that flows from it is much more difficult.So what are the rules of your house? What’s expected of your kids—in terms of chores, behaviors, and habits? What’s forbidden? What don’t we do in this house? Are you firm about the rules? Do you make sure everyone follows them, including yourself? And then, crucially, what is the logic behind these rules and can you explain them in a way that gets real buy in and understanding? A father is not a tyrant...but a person who makes arbitrary rules without explaining them is. Create some rules. Stick to them. Be fair about them. Your kids might not love them now, but when they look back on their childhood, they will at least be grateful for the structure and the clarity they provided.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

In her famous and controversial book Bringing Up Bébé, the author Pamela Druckerman talks about Le Pause—The Pause—as the secret to French parenting, and their sleep-trained infants. Basically, instead of rushing in as soon as their kids start to cry, French parents pause. They wait a few minutes, understanding that newborns often cry between sleep cycles, and that if you disrupt them (even to comfort them) you are actually preventing them from learning how to sleep. Sleep training is a polarizing and controversial topic among parents, so let’s not even go there. Instead, let’s take a minute to consider that le pause can actually be a great strategy for dads in all facets of their kids life. When you son trips and falls, do you need to rush over as if it was a life or death emergency? Or can you pause, and let him figure out how hurt he is first, whether he wants or needs to cry?When your daughter comes over and starts to tell you something, do you have to try to help her explain what she is saying? Or can you pause and let her struggle with the words, and learn how to say it on her own?When your teenager explains why they want to quit the track team, why start arguing right away? Can you pause and let them propose what they want to do instead?When your wife messes up or scratches the car or is rude, what if you didn’t get upset? Can you pause and consider all the things on her plate? And how it almost certainly wasn’t intentional?If one of your kids calls to tell you that they are gay or getting a divorce or are in some kind of trouble, do you need to say anything at all right away? Or can you pause? Can you suspend judgement and just listen? And just be there?Practice the pause.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Punishments aren’t supposed to be fun. They’re suppose to deter bad behavior. That’s why kids get grounded or sent to their room. That’s why we take away their toys or iPad privileges. It’s supposed to send a message: Listen or you lose out. Randall Stutman is probably one of the most influential coaches you’ve never heard of. Basically every Wall Street bank and hedge fund of any significance has hired him as an advisor at one point or another. A lot of the CEOs and executives ask him about parenting. He has one piece of advice relating to consequences for bad behavior: Punishment should make them better.It’s pretty fitting advice coming from a coach too. Think about it: A basketball coach who is disappointed in someone’s effort, makes them go do sprints, or pushups. It’s not fun and it makes the kid stronger. A football player who didn’t make their GPA has to go to extra study sessions. An athlete who gets in trouble off the court might have to do community service or write an apology letter. These are more than simple deterrents. They’re punishments that make them better both as players and as people. When you get upset, when you catch your kid doing something they’re not supposed to do, Dad, make sure that you don’t punish out of emotion or out of fear. Take a minute. Come up with a punishment that makes them better. Something they wouldn’t choose to do, but is good for them. Vocab drills. Memorizing state capitals. Volunteering somewhere. Picking up trash. Painting the house. They won’t like it, but one day, they may actually thank you for it. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

There are brief moments where you get a glimpse inside your kid’s soul. When they meet their baby brother or sister for the first time and start to cry because of how much love they feel. When they say something truthful and real in a way that adults would never dare. When they offer to share what little they have with somebody else, without any prompting from you. It’s in these moments that you get the sense that humans are born with inherent goodness. It’s not something we are just taught. It’s a gift that comes to us at birth. There is purity there. Innocence. And yet, as a grown up, you’ve seen enough of the world to know that most people are no longer innocent and pure and good.So what does that mean? It means your job as a dad is to protect and encourage and nurture that goodness. In Cormac McCarthy’s haunting novel, The Road, he calls this “the fire.” A dad’s job is to help their child carry the fire, to keep them safe long enough that this goodness can pass onto the next generation, and that hope and light can remain in this dark world a little longer. That’s what you have to do today and every day. Help them carry the fire. Protect the gift. Pass on the light.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You’ll hear other dads talk about the need for “quality time” with their kids. It’s sort of a strange phrase, if you think about it. Because it implies a kind of hierarchy of time that nobody has ever really bothered to define. There’s a judgement to it too, that maybe the time or experiences you—the busy, ordinary, doing-the-best-you-can dad—give your kids is not enough. The comedian Jerry Seinfield, who has three kids—an 18-year-old daughter, a 16-year-old son, and a 13-year-old son—pushes back against that. Special days? Nah. Every day is special. Every minute can be quality time:I’m a believer in the ordinary and the mundane. These guys that talk about "quality time" – I always find that a little sad when they say, "We have quality time." I don’t want quality time. I want the garbage time. That’s what I like. You just see them in their room reading a comic book and you get to kind of watch that for a minute, or [having] a bowl of Cheerios at 11 o’clock at night when they’re not even supposed to be up. The garbage, that’s what I love.Your job is not to entertain them. Or to curate every minute of their lives so that everything is meaningful and important and edifying. Your job is to be their dad. You job is to be there. To help them see that quality is what we make it, that it’s always within our reach if we so choose. Eating cereal together can be wonderful. Blowing off school for a fun day together can be wonderful—but so can the twenty minute drive in traffic to school. So can taking out the garbage or watching a garbage truck meander through the neighborhood. All time with your kids is created equal. What do you with it is what makes it special.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Even if it wasn’t such a relief for overworked dads and moms, it’d hurt a little to think about how much our kids love their grandparents. It almost seems like they prefer grandma and grandpa sometimes, don’t they?Why is that?It’s pretty simple. Because grandparents have outgrown most of their baggage. They have let go. Even a lot of grandparents who were demanding and exacting parents seem to finally settle into themselves and manage to be exactly what the generation once removed needs. And kids can sense this: Grandma loves me for me. She’s so nice all the time. Grandpa just wants to hang out. He doesn’t try to make me do anything. He doesn’t boss me around or correct me, he just listens.Of course, this isn’t universally true...there are lots of bad grandparents out there. But what makes the great ones great is that they’re present, accepting, and proud. Traits that are unfortunately easy to lose sight of as busy, stressed out, and well-meaning parents.Which makes it a decent test to consider when we get really worked up or worried or upset with our kids: How would a grandparent think about this? What if I wasn’t such a dad about this? Would that make things better?See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The economist Russ Roberts is a guy who understands how the world works. He knows about the laws of the economy and government. He knows about philosophy and he knows about history. He lives his life by a number of rules and rituals. He keeps Shabbat, for instance, and he commits to regularly tithing a portion of his income. He has another rule, specifically for dads, that is worth thinking about today:If your child offers you a hand to hold, take itThe preciousness of childhood, the preciousness of this day, today, this moment when your child wants your hand for comfort can be hard to appreciate in the moment. You might be tired. Or just tired of holding your child’s hand. Take it anyway. As they get older, they assert their independence. That’s good. But in the meanwhile, hold their hand, take care of them with an open heart. And when they ask to hear Curious George for the nth time, read it again as if it were the first. Life and relationships are an endless dance of reaching out and pulling away. You reach out to your kids, they pull away—they’re busy, they’re in front of their friends, they’re mad at you. You try to help them and they don’t want it. You want what’s best for them but they don’t understand. We can’t control that. It’s going to hurt sometimes. Signals will get crossed. It’s heartbreaking but it’s part of growing up. What we can control is that whenever they reach out—whenever they offer us a hand to hold—that we take that opportunity. When they want to lay in our bed with us, we can let them. When they call on the phone, we can answer—even if we’re in a meeting. When they ask to talk about something, we can listen, whatever it’s about. We can hold them tight every chance we have. We need to make a rule of it.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.