How do we tackle racism? That is a big question. That's a very big question, and my answer might not be something that people want to hear, but the first thing that comes to my mind is, can we stop calling it racism .  (01.57)The main point here is, if you really want to enact change, which is I think what the caller said, she wants to enact change, it starts with yourself, start to pay attention where you are having some evaluative language, also if you're so upset, it's a huge indication that you are needing empathy. (03:54.0)There seems to be this idea that if you're not actively disagreeing with someone, then you are allowing... If you're passive, then you are permissive... Yeah, I think there are a lot of people that believe that. And yet, if you are actively saying something back to somebody in a moment like that, you're not getting heard anyways, you're not penetrating in that moment.  ((07:04:1)Discussion of the paradox of intolerance (10:41.4) Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

Key Points Discussed:"...{This episode is for people who may not be interested in NVC or know people who are resistant because they  have] ideas about it being really prescribed and it not seeming or feeling natural "(0:11:9)"...how do you convert someone... You don't convert someone, you model and you give empathy and yes, sometimes the empathy can be too much, especially early on when people are learning it and it can sound very robotic or maybe people experience needing more authenticity with it. And what you do in those circumstances is silent empathy, because it's not even about what comes out of your mouth, this is not so much about what comes out of your mouth, as much as what goes through your mind first, you can give someone full silent empathy...  "(1:47)"You're saying silent empathy can be just as powerful as vocalizing empathy... " (6:36)"the OFNR, observations, feelings, needs, request template, it's like your training wheels on a bicycle.(8:06)"when you first learn Spanish and you're an English speaker, does it sound like cool and easy or is it clunky? It's clunky. This is a new language."  (10:13)Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

Key Points Discussed:"...what self-connection does, it gets you connected with what's there, which is what we tend to not want to do very often, pay attention, especially when there's some discomfort, and yet it can be very helpful ."(3:21)"So there's a lot of emphasis in NVC around meeting your need, well, this is a different way of meeting your needs, it's not necessarily like getting your needs handled, it's really like greeting your need, like, Oh, hello there."(5:03)"There's this idea of with Nonviolent Communication, that all conflict is a tragic expression of an unmet need. Right underneath any conflict that's happening, it's about a need. Well, the more you do self-connection practice, the more you have an idea of what's going on for you internally, the feelings that is coming up is really just a pointer towards, do you have a need that's being met or not being met." (8:10)"So you're having these communications and they're not productive, it's because you're not actually talking about the problem that is there, the need that you're wanting.   (9:37)  Self-connection allows you to get clear on the need and then you can communicate from there and with a level of clarity.Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

We recorded Part 2 of this Episode first and then Heather was a bit triggered by the conversation and Dr. B. was also concerned that some folks might take offense to the "education" being offered during the program.  So, we followed what we teach and decided to record another Episode and give empathy to Heather (and, perhaps, our audience as well) on her upset about the conversation.Politics and NVC - it's an edgy subject.  This Episode attempts to highlight the  problem with labels and non-observational language and entertains the idea that many people, even those with the greatest intentions, feed the political fuel and disconnection by unconsciously using blame and judgments.  Our sharing here is in service to greater peace and connection and we are open to discussion and to hearing.  If you are triggered by the content, feel free to request empathy on our call-in line:  850-706-0488.  You may be chosen as a guest of the program to receive empathy and so we can model what we teach. Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

Key Points Discussed:I wanna speak about connecting requests because they're revolutionary. I really do believe they are revolutionary, and partly why they are revolutionary is because we don't do them, they're just a whole new concept of what you do when you're in dialogue with someone in conflict.(2:00)"I'm wondering if you're open to hearing some of my thoughts on this..." is a connecting request. (3:50)"I'm wondering what you are hearing in terms of my feelings and needs?"  Which FYI, guess what folks... that last little piece was a CONNECTING REQUEST... Exactly, I'm leading her to give me empathy, so even if the person doesn't know empathy, you can end your statement with, "Hey, what are you taking away from that in terms of my feelings and my needs or something along those lines" (4:44)Yeah, imagine being in an argument and you just expressed, granted, you kept it judgment free by using of OFNR, but still you're in a conflict. So when you ask someone, how was that for you to hear? We don't usually ask that question because more than likely, the person is gonna respond with a can of whoop ass on you in that moment, they're probably gonna say some things back that you don't like, but the thing is, is they're thinking it anyways, thus the Connecting... You wanna know what really is going on for them, so it could be like a tennis game, just volleying constantly. How is that for you to hear? Can you tell me what you heard?  (6:22)Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

Key Points Discussed:I've been training youth and community volunteers in the NVC process, and I'm getting ready to launch my business called The Bigbie Method to operationalize peace in America schools by using NVC as the backbone.(1:20)There's a lot of people that hear the term Non-Violent Communication and they think this isn't for me,  I'm not violent. When in fact, the term Non-Violent Communication comes from Gandhi's term of non-violence, and it's kind of based in this idea that anything that disconnects you from another human being is actually a form of violence. (2:01)Over the evolution of this podcast that we're going to go over the key NVC concepts, we're going to talk with people who are struggling with NVC. Because that's a real thing, people, whether you have a lot of experience or a little experience, people really struggle with this. It's like learning a whole new language because it's hard, we are so habituated when we're in conflict. (4:11)Most people come in and have a mental model of empathy and think, Oh, I know empathy, but empathy and NVC is a very specific process that can be taught and learned and replicated. Yeah, so our objective with this podcast is to inform, inspire and support.  (4:56)Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com 

 So I want to give you a little background on how we even came up with us. I want you to really meet my good friend and co-host, and my daughter from another mother, Heather. So what happened was Heather came over for dinner tonight, we were supposed to be talking about some podcast-related stuff, and what you need know about Heather is she meets my needs hugely for laughter and fun. In fact, she has done and really loves to do comedy, she likes to make people laugh, and this podcast is more about information than laughing, so she asked me, do you enjoy doing the podcast? And I responded Well, yeah, I kinda do. But it is work. And then she came clean. And what she came clean with... I'm going to leave that as a cliffhanger for you to find out for yourself in this episode. Key Points Discussed:Today, we're going to do something just a little different because Heather really needs to be heard tonight, and we thought it would be kind of fun to set the alarm for 10 minutes and just riff like have no agenda, other than let Heather get heard. And if you've been following our podcast, you know it's all about connection, and connection is about the empathy process, and the empathy process all at NVC is making sure people are seen, heard and valued. (04.22)Coming into this house usually brings me joy, great joy, just the sheer magnitude of the joy is unreal. And then when I have to come over for this, I think about it, I want to be like, Yeah, that's exciting, it meets my needs for creativity and fun and play. I'm like, Oh God, I'm going to have to sit in the chair. I'm going to have to be present and then I'm going to have to edit the unintelligible gables that comes out of our mouths. So yes, you want me to know that you really love to come over to my house typically, but since we've been doing the podcast, you're having a little bit of aversion to coming here and thinking about sitting in that hard chair and then editing all the stuff that we say so that it can sound professional to everybody. (05:53) Anyways, back to your empathy, because that was a side bar, not empathy for those of you that are...a conversational response, that was another conversation response. I don't know which one. Refuting, trying to distract from my suffering. (08:46)So maybe just feeling a little bit perplexed on how to go forward and make sure that you get some fairness around your finances in the circumstance... Yeah, integrity was really a big one, and you know what's interesting to me, as much as we've been laughing, you sound different in your voice, and I don't know if the listeners can pick up on that, but there's something that has changed in your tone of voice, and I'm wondering, I just want people to know that that's what happens with empathy. (16:31)Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelNeeds/Feelings List: https://app.box.com/s/18n1vgxtcpxtvvelop5kw6tphr307r0oBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

Key Points Discussed:I think many people venturing into NVC, just the name of it, Non-Violent Communication. I think some folks might think that means that there's no place for getting angry or there's no place for dropping the F-bomb, but that's not true, there is a place for it in NVC and it  happens to be during the WAIT period. (00.31)WAIT stands for Why Am I Talking?  In other words, be quiet now.  (01:07)WAIT also stands for What am I thinking? What am I telling myself? Am I staying only in observation, or  am I spiraling out into a whole lot of evaluation? Often when in conflict, you tend to go into that story, go into that blame mode, and so WAIT is just a reminder to start to pay attention to what are you thinking.  (01:50)WAIT is a very active time.  (04:45)Do you need to have NVC training in order to give someone empathy?  Absolutely not.  (06:02)Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelNeeds/Feelings List: https://app.box.com/s/18n1vgxtcpxtvvelop5kw6tphr307r0oBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

In this episode, Dr. B. and Heather  go over the difference between needs and strategies.  They discuss why it's important, in conflict, to first identify the needs in play and then move to solutions/strategies.  Most of us have a pattern of moving towards strategies as soon as a conflict arises.  Slowing down, hearing one another at the need level is key to moving towards connection - then strategies and solutions will naturally arise. Key Points Discussed:Hold your needs  tightly and your strategies lightly.  (00.43)NVC strategies are not bad if that's what you're getting at, however, most of us when we're in conflict, we start out advocating for our strategies, we fight at a strategy level, we talk about the strategies and often we don't even know the needs underneath them (01:50)How do you know something is a need as opposed to the strategy (06:24)A need is something that everyone in the world wants, and strategies or preferences for getting needs met (06:29)Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

How do you know something is a request?  Perhaps, we have been taught a bit wrong about  this because it's not necessarily how you say something and/or if it's preceded with "please."  There is more to it.Learn more about what makes a request a request and why it's so much better for connecting than a demand, listen in… Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

What do we mean by empathy? For those people that are new to our podcasts and new to NVC, we mean presence, reflection, and taking guesses about the needs the person is trying to communicate. Non-Violent Communication is based on this idea that all conflict is a tragic expression of an unmet need, and by needs we mean things like love, courage, things everyone wants. Things like beauty, play, stability, security, there's lots of needs, lots of universal human needs, we often get caught up in strategies when we're fighting strategies to get needs met, and most of us don't even have an awareness of what the need is that we're actually fighting about in the first place. When we're trying to deeply hear somebody with empathy, we're taking needs guesses, and one thing that we're not doing is keeping from using what I call other conversational responses.Learn more about these responses and much more, listen in… Key Points Discussed:•  I used to think that NVC was pretty strictly used when people were fighting with one another. It's really helpful in those situations, but honestly, I think judgment, even in relatively benign situations, is the root of all the violence that we see around us. It's a lot to go into here, and we did a whole episode on trauma and the epidemic and cycle of trauma, but I will try and state this quickly, is to help people understand why even stating appreciations without judgment can help us have more safety in our world. (5:32) •   So, language becomes very important, if someone hears judgment in their conversations, that fight, flight or freeze could be easily activated. And even if someone's making a compliment like, Oh, you're so considerate, you're so sweet, a positive judgment, then there's a chance that that person may make another not so good feeling judgment and safeties out the window. So, it's helpful to provide an appreciation free of judgment, or at least to become more mindful of this and strive for it. (6:20)•    It provides a lot more communication, which is what this is all about. At the Community Connections Restorative Justice Program that ran for years with teens, we would have a class near the end of each session where people gave appreciations using this format of stating their observations and then the needs met, and it was really something to experience that there was so much connection across people of all types, a mini version of the world that we want. (9:07)•   And one of the things that you can do in the way period, is find a friend or another relative that you're not angry with, and give them the needs list and ask them to help you figure out what your need is in that moment, even if they don't know NVC, you could just give someone that needs list and then you direct them, you ask them not to do those other conversational responses. (11:55) Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

Giraffes are tall, so they have far vision, and when you're using the Non-Violent Communication process, you have to have a long vision. It's not about being right or wrong, good or bad, it's like this longer view of what you're wanting in life. This might seem corny to some, but it's the truth, it's very much based in love.Key Points Discussed:•   So with jackal out, somebody says something you don't like, somebody blames you and you blame them back. That's what you do when you have jackal out. And if you're the type of person that when someone says something that you don't enjoy, you blame them back, what emotion do you get to live from? Anger, right? (3:02)•    Sadness and fear. Maybe sadness, fear, depression. So before most of us knew NVC, that's all we had, we have the jacket in and jackal out. So we either were living from anger or depression, or Marshall Rosenberg, the guy that developed in NVC, he used to say, we're ambidextrous, which means that, oftentimes, somebody says something that you don't like and you blame the other person and then you get down on yourself. (4:22)•    First, I gave myself empathy, which was, I feel scared and I have a need for safety. I didn't say that out loud, but I remember very clearly telling myself that like, Wow, in this moment, I really need safety, and then I just launched into really listening to what her needs were. (10:19)•   Ease and connection. I mean, it was really sweet, we all walked out of that room really connected as opposed to upset and disconnected. And man, It would have just sucked so bad, had it not gone that way. And I want to say it's not an easy thing. What we're talking about here. It's not like, Oh yeah, I get it. But my giraffe ears on. No, no, we have lifetimes of undoing the habit of blaming one another, and I usually like to tell people to carry around a needs and feelings list. (12:43)Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

The definition of connection that I like to use is that connection is the flow and ease that occurs within you and between people when they experience being seen, heard and valued without judgment. Key Points Discussed:•  When we say things like, I feel manipulated, the person that is on the other side of that message is probably not going to see it very well because it's actually a judgment that's being couched by, and I feel on the front end of it, instead, if you were to say, I feel scared because I have a need for clarity and safety. That's a lot different than saying, I feel manipulated. (3:02)•  So now that we've gone over why it's important, kind of keeping you in connection with other people, how do you practice it? You just have to watch yourself, I guess, you have to be very mindful. Now that I've been doing this a long time, I just notice, I feel and what follows, so often, not a feeling, pay attention, people say, I feel like, or I feel that I can't say I feel like uncomfortable. (5:53)•  Well, and here's the thing, just like with the observation versus evaluation, I am really exaggerating the point here, you can't catch that in everything, it's very unlikely unless you've been doing it a long time and it matters that much to you, it's going to be a part of how you speak more than likely, the whole point here is that when you are in an argument, to be very mindful of the distinction, to be mindful of not saying things like, I feel like you don't care at all about me, or I feel disrespected. (9:13)•  If I were to say this to someone or someone were to say it to me, would I take offence if you're going to take offense, it's probably because it's really more of a judgment, you can come up with another feeling that will work, that's a true inner feeling sensation that's going to be received and easier way from the person. (12:17) Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

The definition of connection that I like to use is that connection is the flow and ease that occurs within you and between people when they experience being seen, heard and valued without judgment.Key Points Discussed:When I'm teaching NVC, I like to bring up this difference between observations and evaluations and let people become very clear on them, and it's not necessary to make that distinction, and every time you open up your mouth and when you're in a casual conversation with someone (2:42)What happens is we see something and often we have another layer of thought that happens over the thing that we say, so for instance, a dog crosses the road and we have an idea of that dog went really fast across the road, or that's such a cute dog crossing the road. So the fast part and the cute part are all this layer of evaluation, and it happens throughout our conversations, throughout our thinking over and over again, and again, it's not that big of a deal when... It's just a neutral conversation, but when you are in the midst of a conflict, it's really helpful just to stick to observation. (4:13)Absolute terms, any time you say things like, you never listen to anything that I say, never is an absolute term, more than likely, something isn't always... never or always. When you use those absolute terms, especially when you're in conflict, more than likely that it's going to cause more disconnection. (6:28). When you were in the midst of a conflict with somebody, it's probably going to cause more disconnection in the connection. Now that we know all of this, why is it so important when you want connection. I think there's one obvious reason why it's important, which is when you say something evaluative to somebody, it's going to be off-putting to them, they're not going to hear you, especially if somebody has had trauma. (9:02)Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

I'd say about 50% of our population is going to be really, really upset. There's something about that that does not sit right for me at all, I want the disconnection to go away, I'm mourning connection hugely. And I just think no matter what happens, we must figure out a way to move towards connection in our society. I think the root of a lot of our issues has to do with language.Key Points Discussed: Much of the way that we're talking to one another today, especially on the political level, we could say all of it and still hold our truth without having all the judgment, and there just seems to be that on steroids right now. (2:12)That's the person's feelings, so that's a real thing. It is what it is, and the need there is wanting people to see things similarly as you. (4:50)You put a group of people together in a room, inevitably they're not going to see eye to eye on things. But when that would happen, what we would do is, we would slow everyone down and make sure that everyone would reflect on the other person's needs before they comment. (6:22)When you can do that, then miraculously strategies, ideas that maybe never surfaced before, can actually rise up. I've seen it happen many times, it all starts though, with hearing one another. (8:23)Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

People tend to have a typical way that they respond in circumstances, we call this in NVC, other conversational responses. Here are a list of them; there's giving advice, consoling, relating one-upping, if you're in the fight, you might use other conversational responses like blaming, judging, correcting, explaining. We also do things in general, claiming playing devil's advocate, sarcastic humor, all of which are the more subtle ones.Key Points Discussed:You have ways that you respond when you're just having a conversation with someone or friends coming and you're sharing to some time together, and what's going on in my life? What's going on in your life? We have ways of talking in those moments, kind of like we're doing right now, there are also certain ways that we respond habitually when we're in conflict, and some of these what I call other conversation responses. (1:41)As you grow in your NVC process, you start to have more of an awareness of what you do in conversation and what other people do in conversation, and then you start to pay more attention to what works, like what do you like, what's annoying for you. Before you might have felt annoyed but weren't able to pinpoint it, now that you have this contrast of all the different ways that a person can respond and then the empathy, saying that we tend to practice a lot while you're really learning in NVC, practicing it and noticing, trying it on and seeing what that is like to have that as a response.  (4:23)It feels like you're yet learning a whole new language and you're like pausing, it feels almost robotic. You know what, the empathy process, it becomes smoother and maybe you're not repeating verbatim what the other person has said, you can put it into your own words and it has more flow and ease. (5:50)What happens is you're relating, so now the conversation has turned back on you, not on the other person that was just talking. So this idea of being seen, heard and valued, and you might have just taken away from that person experience and being seen heard and valued when you relate... no right or wrong with relating, but again, you might want to ask, or if you give advice to somebody, we all want to help. When we see somebody in a situation, we want to help, and so we tend to give advice unsolicited, and there's nothing wrong with giving advice, but let's put it in the context of that definition of connection, which is being seen, heard and valued without judgment. (12:23)Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

Key Points Discussed:Empathy process is the backbone of NVC, and I hesitate to even use the term empathy because most people, when they hear empathy, they think they know what empathy is, and empathy in non-violent communication is different than how people think of empathy. (2:38)And truth be told, most of us are not present with one another, our minds are often lost and never, never land, especially when we're in a conflict. When we're in conflict with someone, it's extremely hard to just stay fully with that person because we're typically caught up in our minds, what we're going to say next, or how we're thinking about how that person is a sense of blame or judgment.(3:57)I might lose my presence for a second and I'm not hearing fully what they say, so one way of kind of getting myself back on track again is reflecting what I'm hearing somebody say. That can be extremely helpful to know... Okay, yeah, I am hearing you and the way you want to be heard. (6:25)Are you feeling complete enough in the moment? I feel very heard. Thank you. That was the little example of what NVC empathy is. Why is this better than how we usually talk... It's not so much about it being better, but it's about it being connecting. So if you remember the definition of connection that we started this episode with, the ease and the flow that occurs within you and between people when they experience being seen, heard and valued. (11:14)Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

The ACE Study is from the early 1990s, where they sampled about 17,000 people, having them take a survey that asked them, "From the ages of 0 to 17, how many of these things happened to you?" And they listed out 10 indicators things like sexual abuse, physical abuse, did you grow up in a household where there was mental illness, did you grow up in a household where there was drug abuse, did you grow up in a household where your parents were separated or divorced, where you saw a mom being treated violently? There were 10 of these, and they would have folks say yes or no to that, and then they would walk away with a score from 0 to 10, 0 meaning no trauma. 10 meaning the most. And what they found, after giving that survey to 17,000-plus people is two-thirds of the people said that they had had at least one of those things, and many of them said many of those things happen to them when they were between the ages of 0 and 17.Key Points Discussed:People that have had trauma tend to respond in a very particular way because they need to create safety for themselves. (2:30)In the program that I ran,  my friend looked at me and she said, Well, that's great, but how are you going to transfer that behavior? And I was stopped in my tracks by that statement, in fact, it kept me awake for two weeks. I was waking up in the middle of the night trying to think to myself, she's right, what if we can't transfer that behavior, what good is the work that we're doing. After two weeks of thinking about that question, the answer came to mind, and I think I literally woke up, sat up in bed with the answer, and that's my cliffhanger right there. (3:28)When people have had trauma, they need safety, their brains are actually wired to be on this heightened alert for safety because they haven't had safety. And we see a lot of these behaviors where people fight by yelling or raising their voice or saying obscenities. Or flight, running away. Or freezing. And this is all in service to get people safe. There's a part of the brain called the amygdala. And that's what it does. It's on this alert. Keep me safe. Keep me safe. Keep me safe. (4:06)I ran this program for eight years with kids from the juvenile justice system, and talk about trauma, you're talking about some of the deepest trauma. Lots of people dying, lots of situations where folks are starving, seeing their parents be very physically abused over and over again, I mean all kinds of stuff. And yet, we had this amazing level of cooperation and connection with the youth. (8:50)Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

Key Points Discussed:Some people when they hear non-violent communication, they're turned off right from the get-go because they're thinking, well, I'm not violent with my communication, and non-violent communication came out of Gandhi's understanding of non-violence., and this idea that anything that disconnects us from another human being is a form of violence. (0:58)It's an extreme form, obviously of judgment and how it can play out and be disconnecting between people, for sure. And I think most of us can relate to it. Most of us have been in a situation where you're in conflict, and so then you go and you talk crap about a person either directly to them or away from them, and it's usually not very helpful. (5:54)So beware of these absolute terms. There's also just so many people who get confused between feelings and thoughts. This is a big thing in NVC, that we start to get really clear about feelings or internal sensations, thoughts or what goes on in your mind, but we say things like, I feel abandoned, I feel disrespected. Those are not internal sensations, those are actually judgments of something you think somebody is doing to you. (8:41)We are so habituated to judgments and they are very, very dangerous. That's a judgment too. But they are, they do not typically lead towards connection. Remember, connection is the ease and flow that occurs within you and between people when they experience being seen, heard and valued without judgment, it's this concrete thing that we could start being very mindful of, especially when we are in conflict. (11:51)Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

Key Points Discussed:The folks in Washington that were running the whole thing, they wanted those of us on the forefront to do peace differently, because they had said back in the 60s, when people were trying to make peace come about, they were kind of often out of integrity with the piece that they wanted to bring. (1:43)And a note, mind you, this had not even been 24 hours to receive that said, this is a high price to pay, you've seen nothing yet. (6:40)My daughter was a senior in high school and I had been trying to think about what I could do to give her a special gift, and all of her friends a special gift for their graduation, and it dawned on me, what I could do would be to teach them in NVC, if I could give them that before they got out into the world,  it could be the greatest gift that I ever gave to them. (10:25)I think that's when I gained more interest in it and have slowly, I guess, over the last eight years, started implementing it more and more into my life, deeply listening, giving empathy and it's really strengthened my own sensibilities and skills, communication and how to communicate. (15:10) Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com