You do NOT want to miss this episode with the guest I’ve been trying to get on the podcast for YEARS - my very own husband, Tom Hoffman. Listen to us riff about how we reconnected decades after we had first met (he was one of my grade-school bullies!), what it was like trying to date while getting a divorce at the same time, what our wedding was like (it includes pie, fries, and kids running around everywhere), what life has been like since then, and our long-awaited honeymoon run down. Tom has been the biggest unexpected blessing to me and to our whole family, and I’m so excited to get to share our story together for your listening entertainment (and education).Key Points From This Episode:How I reconnected with one of my childhood bullies.Why I thought Tom was gay. Seriously, I really did. How we went about dating while my soon-to-be-ex-husband was dragging the divorce out.What our wedding was like as a Catholic and a Baptist (including our very fun reception with my very crazy children).How Tom has been vital in our healing and growth as a family.Our honeymoon destination and story (five years after our wedding)!Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Have you ever wondered what Genesis 3:16 really means? Or perhaps your abuser is accusing you of forcing him into a transactional relationship simply because you’ve set down some boundaries he doesn’t like? How do we deal with these tough questions? In this episode, Natalie answers these questions by getting into the nitty gritty of Genesis 3:16, why we can trust ourselves, how not to get hooked in our abuser’s little game, and more. Let’s get out of the guilt and shame loop together. Key Points From This Episode:Our first listener question: “What does Genesis 3:16 really mean?” (4:01)The revelation that the Bible is a starter log of a fire, but the actual fire is… listen and find out!The Holy Spirit lives inside of YOU. He gives YOU wisdom too!Why men probably don’t want to let go of their power and control in the world just yet. Listener question number two: “Does setting a boundary now mean we have a transactional relationship?” (20:58)How to not get hooked back into the crazy game abusers like to play (and what that game is).What do we do with comments that are designed to trigger our guilt and shame?Remember, just because your abuser says that you're mean doesn't actually mean you're mean. (But what DOES it mean?)Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Modern Christianity tends to champion Bible worship over Christ worship, and in this episode, we are joined by Keith Giles to discuss the implications of essentially replacing Christ with the Bible. Keith is a former pastor who “left the pulpit to follow Jesus.” He is the author of notable books such as Sola Mysterium, Jesus Unbound, and Jesus Undefeated, the podcast host of  Heretic Happy Hour, Apostates Anonymous, and Second Cup with Keith, and is the Founder of the Square 1 Community. Having been self-taught, Keith has insight into what isn’t being taught in seminary school, and in our conversation, he explains the difference between education and indoctrination, as well as that between faith and certainty. He breaks down the Jesus-centric approach to scripture and what it truly means when it’s said that scripture is God-breathed. Tune in to hear Keith’s take on the fallibility of humans and the Christ-centric way we should approach the Bible.Key Points From This Episode:The implications of the Bible becoming the modern Christian’s God.The danger of indoctrination in seminary school. The difference between education and indoctrination.The undeniable mystery of God.The difference between faith and certainty.The heresy of replacing Christ with the Bible.Keith breaks down Timothy 3:16, “All Scripture is God-breathed…”The importance of considering human fallibility when approaching the Bible.The Anabaptists’ Jesus-centric approach to scripture.Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here Related Resources:A few of Keith’s books: Sola Mysterium, Jesus Unbound, and Jesus Undefeated.Keith’s numerous podcasts: Heretic Happy Hour, Apostates Anonymous, and Second Cup with Keith.My newest book, All the Scary Little Gods, is a spiritual memoir about healing from religious trauma and toxic programming. Are you wondering what is happening inside your own painful and confusing marriage? I wrote another book just for you called Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage: A Christian Woman’s Guide to Hidden Emotional and Spiritual Abuse. Flying Free is my online membership program designed for Christian women in emotionally abusive marriages. Whether you want to stay well in your marriage or leave, we want to equip and support you through this program.Flying Higher is my online membership program for divorced Christian women. Come rebuild your life after divorce with women just like you!Support the Flying Free podcast AND get in on monthly deep-dive discussions with podcast guests by joining the Flying Free Podcast Club for a $5 monthly donation HERE. (Members of Flying Free and Flying Higher can join these discussions FREE. Just reach out to me, [email protected], and we'll get you set up!) Keith Giles is a former pastor who left the pulpit to follow Jesus and started a church 12 years ago with his family that gave away 100% of the offering to the poor in the community. He has authored numerous books, including Sola Mysterium, Jesus Unbound, and Jesus Undefeated. He is also the co-host for the Heretic Happy Hour Podcast. (Their slogan is “Burning Questions, Not People” )

Are you ready to deal with the things you’ve been avoiding and find out how to get unstuck? Joining us today on Flying Free is the incredible speaker, therapist, and author of The Science of Stuck, Britt Frank. Through Britt’s abusive relationship, substance abuse, and spiritual challenges she has learned that mental health is a commitment to reality. In this episode, we discuss why Britt wrote her book, the role of anxiety in our lives, why we have to be distinguished about our language use when talking about anxiety, fear, and worry, and why so many people choose to stay in abusive relationships for the benefits. There’s no such thing as an overreaction, only mismatched reactions, and Britt talks us through how to handle freeze response, manage panic attacks, and acknowledge shadow intelligence to become conscious decision-makers in our lives. Finally, we discuss why forgiveness is not essential to healing. Don’t miss out on this incredibly informative conversation!Key Points From This Episode:An overview of Britt’s book and why she wrote it. The unique summaries, dos and don’ts, and five-minute challenges Britt included at the end of every chapter and why. Why Britt believes that we need anxiety in order for our lives to work. The differences between anxiety, fear, and worry, and why we need to identify when we are experiencing them in order to access our choices. Why the uncomfortable truth is always better than a shiny lie. The rewards and benefits of staying stuck and why you need to rescue yourself. An example of one of the five-minute challenges in Britt’s book. What shadow intelligence is and how we can make our unconscious conscious. What Britt would say to survivors who have given up and why they are not unmotivated; their brains are stuck in a freeze response. Why forgiveness is not required to heal trauma and create new brain pathways and why it’s not possible when you are in fight or flight mode. Emotional adulthood vs. emotional childhood and why your reactions need to be matched to the action and situation. Britt’s beautiful reframing of panic attacks. Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here Related Resources:Britt’s book, which is one of my top three books I read in 2022: The Science of Stuck.Britt’s website, The Science of Stuck.My newest book, All the Scary Little Gods, is a spiritual memoir about healing from religious trauma and toxic programming. Are you wondering what is happening inside your own painful and confusing marriage? I wrote another book just for you called Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage: A Christian Woman’s Guide to Hidden Emotional and Spiritual Abuse. Flying Free is my online membership program designed for Christian women in emotionally abusive marriages. Whether you want to stay well in your marriage or leave, we want to equip and support you through this program.Flying Higher is my online membership program for divorced Christian women. Come rebuild your life after divorce with women just like you!Support the Flying Free podcast AND get in on monthly deep-dive discussions with podcast guests by joining the Flying Free Podcast Club for a $5 monthly donation HERE. (Members of Flying Free and Flying Higher can join these discussions FREE. Just reach out to me, [email protected], and we'll get you set up!) Britt Frank, MSW, LSCSW, SEP is a clinician, educator and trauma specialist. She speaks and writes widely about the mental health myths that keep us stuck and stressed. Britt received her BA from Duke University and her MSW from the University of Kansas, where she later became an award winning adjunct professor. She is a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner and Level 3 trained in the Internal Family Systems therapeutic model. Britt was a primary therapist at a drug and alcohol treatment center, an inpatient therapist at a children’s psychiatric hospital, and now owns a private practice. You can find Britt on Instagram or on her website www.scienceofstuck.com.

The holiday season can be a very emotional time. While it’s festive and fun for many people, this time of the year isn’t necessarily a happy or carefree period for everyone. Last week, we answered some questions posed by our Flying Free community about how to get through the holidays when life feels like it’s falling apart. In fact, we received so many questions from the women in our program that we decided to make this into a two-part series. Tuning in today, you’ll receive some heartfelt advice for moving past holiday guilt and shame, standing your sacred ground despite nasty comments, navigating gift-giving in a way that aligns with your core values, and more. We also offer you some valuable tools and strategies, including questions to ask yourself to help you shift your thinking and show up with love and joy in the present moment. Join us for more tips about creating a space of peace amidst the chaos! Key Points From This Episode:Overcoming holiday guilt by addressing core beliefs and programming.Journal prompts you can use to help you shake up your thinking.Reconciling shame without overcompensating.How to regulate your emotions by examining your thoughts.Why you can’t fix the past, only relish the present and show up with love.Ways to take back your power and love yourself despite negative comments.How therapy helps you regain control of your healing journey.Making peace with filing for divorce during the holidays.To gift or not to gift?Tips for negotiating awkward or emotionally difficult holiday functions.How to create your own space of peace and rest amidst the chaos.Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

The holiday season can be bittersweet, imbued with magic and pain in equal parts. For many people, it can be a very emotional time, with all the Christmassy sounds and smells unearthing memories from the depths of their childhoods. It’s important to be kind to ourselves during this time, and in this episode, we’re tackling some of the questions posed by our Flying Free community in order to equip you to make the most of the holidays! Tune in for advice on how to honor healing and pain while making space for joy, how to prepare your kids for new traditions amidst the changes in their lives, and how to remain unaffected by others’ bad humor, as well as how to manage loneliness, and more. If you’re at a loss about how to keep the Christmas spirit going for you and your family, we also share some examples of fun new Christmas traditions for you to try out. We hope you’ll join us today!Key Points From This Episode:The mixed emotions brought on by the holiday season. Clean pain versus dirty pain.How to honor clean pain or grief while making space for joy in the Christmas season.Tips for remaining unaffected by the bad humor of those around you.How to prepare the kids for their first Christmas post-divorce.Examples of fun new Christmas traditions. How to continue the process of healing in the midst of holiday stress.The journey of healing.How to make the most of your Christmas!How to deal with feelings of loneliness during the holidays.The key to healing core shame.Tips for becoming a good friend to yourself.Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Is abuse more widespread than ever before or are we more aware of it? Are churches listening to the cries of abused women? Is anything getting better?I’m joined by advocates Sarah McDugal, Ngina Otiende, and Gretchen Baskerville, and my former podcast sidekick Rachel Harden as we celebrate the 200th Flying Free podcast episode and discuss the incredible support and awareness that’s growing in the Christian survivor community. We believe the tide is changing, and every single survivor is part of a growing wave of truth tellers, critical thinkers, and courageous voices.Our take on the past decade:What advocates are supposed to be doing (it ain’t “telling you what to do”)Why civil wars are never started by the people in powerThe real reason “theo bros” are running scaredHow the data showing divorce saves lives is making a difference (even in conservative circles)Why airing dirty laundry is a good thing (including getting rid of stinkiness)The incredible things we’ve observed about younger generationsWhy we have a lot of hope for the church, abused women, and the futureAccess the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here Related Resources:Sarah McDugal is co-founder of Wilderness to WILD and the TraumaMAMAs mobile app.Ngina Otiende is a certified marriage coach, author, and blogger. Check out her website at Intentional Today.Gretchen Baskerville is a legend in the survivor community. Her book blows the lid off the lies most Christian women are told about divorce, and her website is a perpetual explosion of truth bombs. Check out The Life-Saving Divorce.My newest book, All the Scary Little Gods, is a spiritual memoir about healing from religious trauma and toxic programming. Are you wondering what is happening inside your own painful and confusing marriage? I wrote another book just for you called Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage: A Christian Woman’s Guide to Hidden Emotional and Spiritual Abuse. Flying Free is my online membership program designed for Christian women in emotionally abusive marriages. Whether you want to stay well in your marriage or leave, we want to equip and support you through this program.Flying Higher is my online membership program for divorced Christian women. Come rebuild your life after divorce with women just like you!Support the Flying Free podcast AND get in on monthly deep-dive discussions with podcast guests by joining the Flying Free Podcast Club for a $5 monthly donation HERE. (Members of Flying Free and Flying Higher can join these discussions FREE. Just reach out to me, [email protected], and we'll get you set up!) 

Would you play a card game with a cheater? Once maybe, right? Then, it’s a solid H-E-double-hockey-stick no. What about for a month? A year? Five years? Twenty?Would you tell your daughter to play with a cheater? Your best friend?I’m gonna guess the answer is “abso-freaking-lutely not!”So why do we think we “owe” a husband who has shown himself to be abusive any more of our precious time?In this episode, I answer listener questions:Should you give more time to an abusive husband if you “knew better” (you were married to an abuser before and thought you’d chosen better this time)?Should you give more time to an abusive husband if you realized what he was shortly after getting married?What are some really covert emotional abuse tactics that may not be obvious in a short-term relationship?Which person do you need to be in love with once you start dating/considering marriage again? (It’s not the person with a wiener.)Why is self-love stupid, selfish, and unbiblical? (Risks of believing this include but are not limited to getting run over again and again by other people until you’re almost dead and spending years of your life feeling miserable)When and why should you share your “side of the story” with others?Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Learning about emotional and spiritual abuse is dangerous. You start to see patterns in your marriage, your family, your friendships, your church…and your faith. You start to understand why God often doesn’t feel safe. Why you feel like a constant disappointment. A regular failure. A busted, broken, rejection-worthy woman. You were taught that God is love…And that God wants (and demands) perfection. That he loves you IN SPITE of you. That he has to look at Jesus to accept you. That negative emotions are a sign you’re in sin. And a high self-esteem (not hating yourself) is a sign you’re in other sin. That you deserve punishment even when you’re giving 100% to please him. There’s no winning……Until we explore the core of how we approach EVERY relationship in our lives: through attachment style. Krispin Mayfield and I explore healing our attachment to God:Why your faith struggles are likely not a lack of character but a result of poor theology (that you had no choice in learning)What attachment theory is and the three types of attachmentHow the three attachment types play out (with examples)A horrifying experiment that explains a lot of our freak-outsThe connection between self-loathing and pleasing God (in most Christian communities)What’s so magical about getting things right only 30% of the timeResources for healing your attachment to God (see below)Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question hereKrispin’s amazing book that I couldn’t put down: Attached to God: A Practical Guide to Deeper Spiritual Experience.Krispin’s podcast: Prophetic Imagination Station.My newest book, All the Scary Little Gods, is a spiritual memoir about healing from religious trauma and toxic programming. Are you wondering what is happening inside your own painful and confusing marriage? I wrote another book just for you called Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage: A Christian Woman’s Guide to Hidden Emotional and Spiritual Abuse. Flying Free is my online membership program designed for Christian women in emotionally abusive marriages. Whether you want to stay well in your marriage or leave, we want to equip and support you through this program.Flying Higher is my online membership program for divorced Christian women. Come rebuild your life after divorce with women just like you!Support the Flying Free podcast AND get in on monthly deep-dive discussions with podcast guests by joining the Flying Free Podcast Club for a $5 monthly donation HERE. (Members of Flying Free and Flying Higher can join these discussions FREE. Just reach out to me, [email protected], and we'll get you set up!) Krispin Mayfield is a licensed professional counselor and author of Attached to God.  He co-hosts the podcast The Prophetic Imagination Station with his wife, D.L. Mayfield, where they dissect evangelical media from the 80’s and 90’s.

I'd like to introduce you to my friend Myrtle. She's a backseat driver. The kind you can't ignore. She's MY backseat driver. And yours. Myrtle thinks she's the help-iest thing ever. She’s a big reason behind many of our behavior patterns. The places and ways we're stuck. Our self-sabotage. Myrtle is the explanation for a lot of our recurrent fears. She’s loud, proud, and she never shuts up. She provides the same old thoughts that plague us, day after day, year after year.What do we do with Myrtle? (Not to mention the bus full of other backseat drivers, in this case, younger versions of yourself.)It starts with realizing there are “no bad parts” in us, including Myrtle. I’ll tell you all about it in this episode, one of five upcoming sessions featured in the Flying Free program.The breakthroughs:Who Mad Mama is (and why she’s trying to protect me and you)Why I decided to become my own mother (sounds crazy, huh?)How to “drive your car” in a different direction when you have a freak-out sessionThe thought exercise I did to heal from the trauma of losing my relationship with my motherA better approach to losing your relationship with your older/adult kids (a common heartbreaking occurrence for divorced women of faith)A definition of trauma (it’s different for everybody)What firefighters and “I’d like to speak to the manager” have to do with each otherWhy trying to deal with multiple thoughts at a time doesn’t work (and that’s okay!)Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

I remember thinking that if I could just hit on the right inflection in my voice maybe or the correct tone or the perfect combination of words or the right attitude — you know, one of subservience and humility so as not to trigger his fragile ego and bring down his wrath — I’d finally get through. He’d finally get it. The wall would come crumbling down.Nope.When I finally filed for divorce, he suddenly said he’d seen the light. He’s willing to go to counseling. If I don’t give him this “final” chance (there have been so many “final” chances), I’ll feel like I didn’t do enough.Is this you?This episode defines “enough”:What a 10-year-old kid and an iPad have to do with an abusive husband and therapyWhy there’s not much hope for abusersThe reason your body’s “ick” reaction to your husband’s Hail Mary shows it’s wiser than your mental second-guessingHow many chances I gave my ex-husband, and how mad it made God when I stopped (Spoiler Alert: It didn’t make God mad)Why feeling conflicted in your emotionally abusive marriage is COMPLETELY NORMALWhat DARVO is (and what it has to do with cats and ducks)Why you’re asking the wrong questionsAccess the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

“Unless you forgive and come back to me, you’re disobeying God and the Bible!” If I were your abusive husband, I’d say the same thing. Why? Cause then I’d get what I want. Woohoo! Isn’t that what the Bible is all about? Oh, begging your pardon. I was basing my opinion off how I see most church leaders and many legalistic Christians approach the Bible. Which means that if you’re looking for advice on whether you should reconcile with your abusive husband — and what reconciliation really means — you’re going to get a whole charcuterie board of different answers. From biased people. Trying to interpret text that doesn’t give a full answer on… basically anything.Consider this alternative: Ask a different question and provide your own answer. Sound heretical? Then keep reading (and listening). In this episode, I spill some tasty tea on:3 thoughts I have about about a husband who demands reconciliation (one involves an ax)Why people who accuse others of being unbiblical are actually doing exactly what they’re accusing others of doing (whew, that was a mouthful) The limitations of the BibleHow to use the Bible to make a case for anything (genocide, slavery, rape, misogyny, political ideologies, etc.) The danger of worshiping the Bible Why relying on the Bible for all the answers means you’re going to be constantly confused, shoved in different directions, and easily manipulatedWhat we have that’s much better than the BibleWhat the size of God has to do with the questions like “Do I have to go back?” and “Do I have grounds for divorce?"Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

“You don’t know God,” the elder leaned forward and said to me. He knew I was preparing to divorce my emotionally abusive husband.My body began to tremble. My voice shook. I realized later that he was right. His god was vindictive and cruel, like a mythological Zeus. The God I know — deeply, intimately, since I was a child — is gentle and kind and leads me away from fear and control.That was the first church meeting I ever walked out of. And the last one I ever had with those elders. It’s also when I realized that I could fly free. So can you. In this episode with licensed marriage and family therapist Naomi Norton, we discuss:11 dominant fears the Christian community uses to influence (CONTROL) womenWhy being connected to the physical (your body, emotions) is so importantHow to prioritize, process, and honor fearWhat the church usually says about fear (and why their perspective is SO DANGEROUS)How being aware of fear (the types, the ways they surface) can HELP US PROTECT ourselvesWhy moving toward fear is often NOT a good or godly responseThe reason you love God but you’re afraid of him (and how to get rid of that fear)How to respond to people (often church people) who USE FEAR TO CONTROL USAccess the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here Related Resources:Naomi’s Facebook page is like a 5-course banquet for emotional and spiritual abuse survivors. You’ll gobble it up! If you live in or near Kansas City and you’re looking for a therapist, check out Naomi’s website.If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.comNaomi Norton is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She’s been in private practice for eight years. She has a passion for working with marginalized communities and people who’ve suffered religious trauma. Naomi is in the final stages of completing her Ph.D. in family therapy at North Central University. Her dissertation research focuses on the evangelical Christian community’s perspective on mental health.

If marriage is for life, then the only way out is death. Right? I’ve been asked that question, or a variation of it, many times. I used to wonder that question myself. Marriage IS for life, but not in the way you’ve been told. It’s for the sake of bringing life TO you. And when it’s destroying you instead, THERE IS A WAY OUT. But the very Bible verses written to bring protection to abused women and rebuke to abusive men have been twisted and turned on their heads…until the words “for life” are a curse and death seems like the only escape (whether his or yours). Allow me to right these warped words and help you fly free from your despair. In this episode:Why you might reconsider telling church leaders about your husband’s abusive behaviorThe four reasons women consider “telling on” their husbands to church leaders (and the problems with each)The four possible responses you can expect when you report your abusive husband’s behavior to church leaders (helping the victim is the rarest)Why the “God hates divorce” verse is COMPLETELY WRONG and what it really saysThe 8 things you don’t owe ANYONE (at church or otherwise) when it comes to leaving your marriageThe only two things you absolutely need to get out of your marriage (and they’re available no matter your circumstances)Why wishing your abusive husband were dead doesn’t mean you’re an evil personHow I went from lying on a bathroom floor wishing for death to flying free, remarried, with a new home, a new family, and an amazing job (and my story isn’t unique among Flying Free and Flying Higher survivors) Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

“I’m going to be ninety-two next month, and I have waited my entire life for a book like this.”  A woman said this to Tiffany after she spoke to a Sunday School class about her book, “Gaslighted by God: Reconstructing a Disillusioned Faith.” Many Christians are told their doubts are a sign they haven’t prayed or fasted enough. That their spiritual frustrations are an indication they’re backsliding. That they just don’t have enough faith. Do you feel a sense of futility over ever measuring up as a Christian? Ever pleasing God? Ever nailing down the formula for blessing or meeting the mark for making yourself small enough? Tiffany wrote “Gaslighted by God” to give a voice to the pain of devoted Christians whose faith is cracking under the abuse of legalism, who are desperately clinging to beliefs that are hurting them, and who need to know it’s not their fault.  In this episode:What spiritual anxiety is and how it manifestsThe significance of Tiffany screaming at a church signWhy the Christian “answer” for everything is so damagingThe similarities between a space chimp and shell-shocked WWI veterans and what we experience because of legalistic theologyHow Jesus expanded the definitions of sin to protect the vulnerable, not add a bigger burdenSo much more! Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here Related Resources:Reach out to Tiffany on her website. Read her incredible book, Gaslighted by God. If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.comTiffany Yecke Brooks is the lead or contributing writer on more than two dozen books, including multiple New York Times bestsellers. She is the coauthor of Fear Is a Choice: Tackling Life’s Challenges With Dignity, Faith, and Determination (with NFL running back James Conner), Limitless: The Power of Hope and Resilience to Overcome Circumstance (with Paralympic gold-medalist Mallory Weggemann), and the narrative nonfiction historical thriller Espionage and Enslavement in the Revolution: The True Story of Robert Townsend and Elizabeth (with historian Claire Bellerjeau). Her newest book, Gaslighted By God: Reconstructing a Disillusioned Faith was released in May 2022 by Eerdmans. She has also published articles in peer-reviewed journals and the Smithsonian.Tiffany holds a PhD from Florida State University, where her dissertation covered, in part, cultural adaptations of stories from the book of Genesis, and an MA from the University of Bristol in the UK, where her thesis examined cultural influences and literary techniques in the Gospel of Luke. A popular speaker for student groups, faith conferences, and academic lectureships, Tiffany has taught literature and writing at Abilene Christian University, McMurry University, and the University of South Carolina – Beaufort.

How do you feel about accountability? Like it, love it, want some more of it?Or maybe it’s like medicine to you — icky but necessary.Hold on to your booty, cause I’ve got an opinion on it too. I think it’s a made-up practice that got a “virtue” sticker slapped on it. I think it arrests our development into emotional adulthood. In fact, I’d say accountability does more harm than good. And it can never match the power of internal motivation for true, lasting life change.Christian accountability conditions us to believe:We are helpless and foolishWe don’t have the capacity for self-motivation or self-leadershipWe have to be externally motivated by something outside of ourselves (like pain or the humiliation of confessing our faults/sins/failures)We can't make our own decisionsWe have to get guidance from and obey other people (who usually have penises)We are flirting with danger if we think independentlyAccess the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Surprise! Abusers never want the same thing as their victims. Why should divorce be any different?Shocking! Abusers never want their “property” to start acting like a person and hightail it out of Dodge (“Dodge” being the marriage. Okay, you get it.)Spoiler alert! You get to make your own decisions because you’re a grown woman. What? Yes, it’s true.Divorce isn’t a magic toilet that flushes all your worries away. But it’s a wise, viable option for women who are being systematically destroyed by their closest relationship. For women who want a divorce from their emotionally abusive husbands, this episode is a reminder of the core things they need to know.The Rundown:When somebody kicks our shin over and over: We LEAVE THE ROOMWhen religious people demand we save a corrupt “marriage”: We CALL BSWhen others say we can’t get divorced: We BREAK OUT THE LAWWhen we are about to take the leap: We MAKE SURE WE’RE SUREWhen we jump off the cliff (and get a divorce): We GET CAUGHT BY A LOVING GODWhen emotionally and spiritually abused women need help recovering, they get dozens of Butterfly stories and workshops, and 12 courses including “Divorce Basis” and “The 90-Day Escape Plan” in Flying FreeAccess the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Imagine a mother who stares at her baby.. She won’t smile. Won’t look it in the eye. Doesn’t react when it holds its arms out to be held. Refuses to comfort it when it cries. The baby screams and sobs. The mother won’t move. Now multiply that cruelty across each thousands of days. Switch the mother for a husband. Change the baby to a wife. Other people may throw out the “But does he hit you?” strawman (only extremes, only obvious physical, qualifiable harm counts as abuse). But that baby knows better. You know better. Your desolate heart knows better.The most devastating hurts don’t show on the outside. In this episode:The different flavors of abuse vs. the different ways victims reactReaction #1: Fighting BackReaction #2: HidingReaction #3: FreezingReaction #4 AppeasingHow a still face and a baby show the impact of covert emotional abuseWhy trying to prevent emotional pain only creates more painResponses that lead to healing, freedom, and peaceAccess the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

“I feel like a massive failure as a Christian and a mom. Like a puppet—and he’s pulling the strings.” Too many women finally muster up the courage to leave their abusive husbands and face an even more painful betrayal: Their exes turn their own children against them. Lying, manipulating, bribing, even using threats in order to get the kids on their side.  It’s sickening. And it can feel like there’s no hope, no justice, and no way forward.  If this is you—wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, no matter how bad things are—I need you to stop and listen to me. Because I’ve seen terrible cases of parental alienation turn around. I’ve lived it.  No matter what happens: Your future depends on cutting the strings of your puppeteer. In this episode:How to start making the most of your rights as a parent (without guilt or fear)Why a lack of focus is often the biggest problem (it’s the perfect setup for your ex to succeed at his crappy mind games)How to turn the volume of his voice down (and come to trust your own)The story of 1-hour a week visitation making all the difference in a restored relationship between a mom and her sonThe danger of believing your ex-husband (remember the term “self-fulfilling prophecy”?)Why your ex acts like a quack (because he’s a duck, not a cat)A tale as old as time: The ex who is suddenly the sweetest person in the world (grab your BS-vision goggles)Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

For women escaping emotionally abusive husbands, divorce often feels like a scarlet “A” on their chest. Or “D.” They wonder if they’ll be marked for life. And worse, they fear how their kids will suffer the consequences. First, because they lived in a home of chaos and pain and trauma. Second, because they’ll have to face the assumptions and judgment of other people.A “broken” family. A single-parent household. “Sinful” parents. Not “true” Christians. Bad influences. The sort of mom and kids other people whisper about. Is this your fear? Your reality? Then I’ve got great news and lots of it.Listen in for:The reason our brains like to borrow trouble (which can be helpful or silly)Why protecting our kids can actually backfire (no problems/pain = most people become jerks)A quick reminder (and a big number) to help you feel less like an outcastA Flying Higher member’s story about reaching emotional peaceA crappy definition of forgiveness: 1. I will never bring this up to you again, 2. I will never bring this up to others again, 3. I will never bring this up to myself again. (Where’s the vomit emoji when you need it?)A definition of forgiveness that’s not icky, that lets you breathe and doesn’t demand you betray yourself or let someone harm you Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

“I don’t think I’ll ever heal from this,” she said. “You expect harm from people who only harm you. From him. Not the ones who know you, who grew up with you, who you went to church with.” Do you know the pain of rejection by your family, friends, and church? I do. I’ve lost entire nights of sleep swimming in that pain. It’s mind-numbing. Excruciating. A listener told me that after being rejected by her church and family, she felt like she was standing on an alien ship watching her home planet being blown up. Then she asked the questions you might be wondering too:How do we survive such great loss? Is there any healing for grief that goes deeper than your bones? Hurts that nearly fracture your body?Yes, dear one. But the truth is that as painful as the facts are, your hurt is increased 100 fold by the story you’re telling yourself about it. And the meaning you’re giving that story.From one heart-weary woman to another, here’s the scoop on the most important story of your life..and the secret to changing it. Because rejection hasn’t ended the good of your story. Not by a long shot.In this episode:A prickly cactus, Jesus getting slapped, lots of Pirate’s Booty, and 8 billion people. If that’s not enough to tickle your fancy…How what happened (the facts) and what we make it mean ( the story) creates our emotions (pain)Why beliefs create the result (often extra pain)The way to discover what you believe (the whole story)2 things that have helped me after losing most of my relationships (based on things I CAN’T lose)How Jesus’ pain and his responses are great examples for us to followThe one relationship you have from which all other relationships flow (SURPRISE: It’s not with God)Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

As terrible as being married to an abuser is, there’s something worse.It’s getting free from your abuser, then getting remarried to another one. For a lot of survivors, that’s their worst fear. Can they trust themselves to identify red flags when they were taught to dismiss them for so long? Will they be able to see past the BS if a potential suitor is slick and smooth but a turd of a guy underneath the facade? How can they be sure they’re choosing a safe, truly good person, not a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde?I know that fear all too well. And I trust myself to choose good people now. (I did; I’m remarried to one.) I’ve also taught hundreds upon hundreds of women how to spot red flags in relationships. By the time you listen to this episode, you’ll know whether your Christian dating relationship (or any dating relationship) is toxic.The seven deal-breakers:Cannot accept negative feedbackLittle or no empathyHas to have his own wayCommunicates passive-aggressively (plus 14 EXAMPLES/QUESTIONS to help you identify passive-aggressive behavior)Prioritizes his own interests (including not respecting your time, refusing to be honest or discuss his past, bad with money, a boundary-breaker, and other examples)Won’t take responsibility for his behavior (plus 5 EXAMPLES/QUESTIONS to help you see whether this is true about him)He consumes you; the relationship is slowly destroying your self-worth, your friendships, your potential, and your interests (plus 3 QUESTIONS to ask yourself to know if this is true) Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Bonus episode (because this is important!) With Tina Swithin's permission, I am sharing an article she wrote on her website here about why it's imperative that we do not use the word "alienation" in our court cases.Please head over to her article, Please Stop Saying Alienation, to access the links mentioned in this podcast episode. If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Is there poison in your home?No, I don’t mean rat poison or toxic chemicals or asbestos. It’s words. On pages. In a book. One that’s given as a wedding gift. When times are tough. When you’re desperate. When you’ve run out of ideas and options to help your marriage and somebody gives you 336 pages of “hope.”The poison is the answer ringing from every page of this book. You were, as Debi Pearl puts it, “Created to Be His Help Meet.” And lots of women have gulped it down, me included. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? Sweet. Simple. Godly. Because double standards and coercive control and whitewashed tombs are biblical, right? In this interview with Chelsea Wells, she and I discuss the poisonous messages of Debi Pearl’s book before we toss them in the shredder.The summary we recover-y:Women are responsible for their husband’s bad behavior. Period.Husbands have the authority to tell wives what to wear, where to go, whom to talk to, and how to spend her time.Wives shouldn’t have close friends–only their husbands.Women should submit to their husband when he’s a sex addict, adulterer, physically abusive, or refuses to work.Husbands have tiebreaker power in every situation.Wives have no rights in marriage.Your looks and how your family appears to the world matter much more than your health or safety or life.Women who want equality are bra-burning heathens who want to take over the world.The pièce de résistance: Single moms are the worst (it’s the haircuts and the tiredness).Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here Related Resources:Connect with Chelsea on FacebookThis episode was like a cup of tea when there’s a whole steaming pot waiting for you. Grab the whole shebang on Amazon: Created To Be His Helpmeet Rebuttal by Chelsea Wells. If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.comChelsea Wells is a stay-at-home mom of three cutie pies, aspiring domestic queen, and amateur theologian. In her free time, she enjoys motorcycle rides with her husband as well as sipping iced chai lattes with a good book in hand. She is the founder of Table Salt Ministries, which aims to expose common false teachings in the church and demystify what the Bible is REALLY saying to women.

Life after abuse can feel like you’re just spinning your wheels. You struggle with the same things. The same thoughts. The same downward spirals. Over and over and over. Flying Free is all about breaking out of harmful cycles, in and after abusive relationships. If you want to see this in action, Amie is a poster child for life beyond abuse: healing, thriving, and constantly growing.  Our discussion was so powerful, her story so incredible, the amazing freedom she’s experienced so inspiring, that we talked for two hours. There was no way I was going to cut a single minute from the recording, so I broke it into three episodes.  This series catalogs her thought transformations, from old to new, across the most important aspects of her life, the parts that were hit the hardest by spiritual and emotional abuse. So if you’re feeling stuck, defeated, or just plain frustrated as heck in your recovery process, this is one of the greatest freebies you’ll come across. If you just started following along, check out Part 1 and Part 2, then skip back here for the grand finale. Because the last thing survivors want is for the abuse they survived to torment them into the future…and these episodes are a line in the sand. In Part 3 of 3:Old Thought #1: Grief, sadness, anger, and anguish are too hard and can be sinful. I will avoid them.New Thought #1: There are no good or bad emotions. I will experience them in full without getting trapped.3 more old thoughts and 3 more powerful new thoughtsWhy “dirty” pain is so overwhelming, but “clean” pain is manageable (and helpful!)What exiles, firefighters, and parents have to do with your brain after traumaWhy regulating before responding is so importantHow to have curiosity instead of judgment (which greatly increases your chance of breaking negative thought patterns)The critical importance of community in changing your thoughts and resultsThe FREE PDF DOWNLOAD for old thoughts vs. new thoughts Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

“I’ve got to share this with as many people as possible.” That’s what I decided when Amie showed me her thought work from Flying Higher. What the heck is “thought work”? Well, I’ll answer your question with a question.How often do you have the same thoughts? You know, the crappy ones. “Nothing will ever change. If I could just get him to see how much he’s hurting me. I have to wait for God to move; I can’t do anything about this. I need someone to come rescue me. I’m trapped. I’ll never heal.” What if you had new beliefs that led to new emotions and new actions and an ENTIRE NEW LIFE? I’m not blowing smoke up your tailpipe. The truth is: You could have all your problems solved right now, and you’d still be stuck if your thoughts didn’t change too. And they don’t on their own.Our beliefs keep us in abuse. It’s only our beliefs that can free us. Thought work is the simple way to break free. Want some clear evidence? I recorded three episodes’ worth—Amie’s story. It’s incredible, and one of many in the Sisterhood.In Part 2 of 3:Old Thought: I help God change people with my words/actions.Old Thought: Conversations should lead to a resolution and common ground.Old Thought: If you love me, you’ll be there for me.Old Thought: Giving sex to make my husband happy is right and good.Old Thought: When people are angry with me, I HAVE to make it right. 5 of Amie’s New Thoughts (these were AMAZING; why do you think I couldn’t stop recording for two hours?)Bonus New Thought #1: Pushing people to change is abusive in its own way.Bonus New Thought #2: We can’t expect people to respect our boundaries.Bonus New Thought #3: Christian culture is codependent.The FREE PDF DOWNLOAD for old thoughts vs. new thoughtsP.S. Listen to Part 1 and Part 3 of this 3-part series!Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

“I would keep the peace or create peace at any cost. And a lot of the time, the cost was myself.”Amie searched for love her entire life. But all she found were unsafe people. And all she learned was that love demanded everything and gave nothing but pain in return. Despite this, Amie is a poster child for what’s possible after a life of abuse. She’s flourished in Flying Free and Flying Higher, moving from a caterpillar perspective to a butterfly perspective, from crawling to flying.How? It all comes down to old thoughts versus new thoughts. Just like a caterpillar, Amie wove a cocoon of new thoughts to replace the ones that had led her into harm and kept her from living beyond her trauma. What she learned is so powerful, so practical, and so encouraging, we talked for 2 hours. I broke our discussion into a 3-part podcast series, diving into exactly what Amie did and providing listeners the simple, downloadable resource she used to fly free. Part 1 of this 3-part therapy session includes:Why Amie was terrified that Flying Free would not be a safe place for herHow chameleons and trauma are relatedThe FREE PDF DOWNLOAD for old thoughts vs. new thoughts (see below)Why the church’s definition of “community” is usually just icky enmeshment2 old thoughts and 2 new thoughts from Amie’s worksheet (these are truth anvils, I tell you!)How Amie was robbing her ex-husband of his chrysalis when she thought she was loving him (super easy to do with our kids too)P.S. Listen to Part 2 and Part 3 of this 3-part series!Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

What do love, hate, and pain have in common?Believe it or not: Being super ticked off. Anger.I’m serious as a heart attack. Anger stems from either love, hate, or pain. Which means there are some pretty legitimate and useful reasons to be mad. As well as some that are just nasty or unhelpful. So if you’ve been taught that anger is ungodly, wrong, or always a sign of bitterness, I suggest two things:Pull out the example of Jesus crafting a homemade whip and going mad dog in the temple. He dealt out the beatdown of the season. Ask people what they think of that anger. Was he just trying to encourage all those sleazy hawkers while flipping their tables over, tossing their money around, and driving their animals away? Maybe he should’ve prayed instead of taking his zeal to the streets?Listen to this episode. More motivation below.The can’t-miss parts of this anger breakdown:Three analogies: A very bad macaroni-and cheese analogy, a better one about road rage, and a great one about puking.Three sources: An explanation of how love, hate, and pain trigger anger.Three examples: Honestly, I give a buttload of examples. It’s the deal of the century. Listening = tons of free drama-filled examples. Not as squeal-worthy as Jesus giving what for, but still muy bien.Three reasons: Why I WANT TO FEEL ANGRY (again, I give more than three reasons, but there’s no way I’m messing with the pattern I’ve created).Why anger from love is open but anger from hate is hidden and destructive (I ruined the pattern. Dang it.).My living nightmare. A dream that haunted me for years before becoming reality. Three drivers: How anger moves from a neutral emotion to meaning, and guides everything we do. (Eeeeh! We’re back to threes!)Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

“Don’t try and church it up.” Ever heard that piece of advice? It hits the crux of this episode right in the nethers: biblical manhood and biblical womanhood. Author Aimee Bird offered a more refined and relevant version: “Just because you put the word ‘biblical’ in front of it doesn’t make it so. It’s not an adjective.”If you’re listening to this podcast, I’d bet my milk money you've heard the terms “biblical manhood” and “biblical womanhood” 43,854 times or more, maybe in the past month alone. They’re not standalones. They inform every aspect of your life as a Christian woman. Or so you’ve been taught. Maybe they’re just churched-up versions of junk — the overcooked vegetables on your theological dinner plate. The stain on your white blouse. The turd in your lemonade. Maybe. You’ll have to listen to find out.I interviewed Aimee in this fancy-pants episode, including:How churches slap Bible verses on the ugly puppy of misogynyWhat the heck the “eternal subordination of the Son” has to do with any of this (a lot, and it’s not as weird or highfalutin as you’d assume)The book of the Bible dominated by a woman (and the basis for Aimee’s book The Sexual Reformation)What happened when Aimee stepped too far out of her “role” as a woman (a tale as old as time)The two meanings of the word “role” and why the difference matters A LOTSeveral delicious plays on words (with a last name like “Byrd” and the ability to write so well, how could she resist?)Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here Related Resources:If you’re a Christian woman and abuse survivor, there’s a 77% chance you’ll benefit from The Sexual Reformation. Nab your copy and leave a sexy (or straight-laced) review today!See what all the fuss is about in Recovering from Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.If you haven’t soaked up enough Aimee Byrd (you haven’t), flap on over to her website.If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.comAimee Byrd is a mom, blogger, wife, speaker, Christian, former barista, writer, and lady of many…feathers. She’s also the author of “Recovering from Biblical Manhood and Womanhood” and “The Sexual Reformation.” The biggest plot twist of these two books isn’t their genius names and controversial subjects — she wrote the latter during her recovery from the backlash she experienced for the first book.

Did you know some people used to use the Bible to support slavery? They would tell slaves that it was God’s will.Want to guess who those people were?  Huge surprise: slave owners.It can be terrifying to have someone throw the book—the literal Bible—at you. But you know the saying “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire?” Well, in this case, “Where there’s confusion, there’s crap.” The kind of crap people throw out when they’re desperate to keep you under their thumb. Instead of cowering in the face of their accusations and “biblical” nonsense, you can do a little math. This episode does some figuring:The crappy calculation abusers use (they have an investment in saying dumb things)The inverse result of reading 1 Corinthians 6:1-10 for what it really meansThe addition by subtraction you experience when you wake up to abuse (the more you learn, the more you lose…at first)The typical transactions of abusive relationships: You make constant deposits; they’re making constant withdrawals The order of operation: You confront, they deny. Then they turn you into a goat (don’t worry, I’ll explain)The tangent I go off on: My own story follows the same line graph…and it’s why I can understand what you’re going through.Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Do you wonder how he did it?How your abuser tricked you and blindfolded your church? How he just keeps coming out on top, despite all the evidence pointing to what a sick, twisted, evil person he is?Abuse doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It always involves the community. In this case: the church.Wade Mullen staked his Ph.D. on the study of the hidden tactics of abuse, especially spiritual abuse within religious communities. What he found were patterns of behavior. The slow and steady set-up for abuse to become a system, a system to become a theology, and a theology to become god.Imagine with me: A relationship within a community where all the red flags (manipulation, lying, criticism) are called green flags and all the green flags (truth-telling, boundaries, self-respect) are called red flags. It’s the heist of the century. And it’s working all too well.Don’t miss out on this killer explanation: Why abuse always involves theftWhy abuse always involves murderWhy emotional abuse is just as bad or worse than other types of abuseThe types of evil language abusers always useThe four types of nice things abusers do (and why “kindness” from an abuser is always a WARNING SIGN)The reason laughter is a RED FLAG in an abusive relationship6 things women need when they’re coming out of emotional and spiritual abuse (and a great place to get ALL of them)Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

“This was the big whammy… My whole life had been centered around pleasing the abusive person…trying to meet their ever-changing expectations…I really didn’t know who I was anymore.”Art therapist Jennifer Kramer practices what she paints. She’s a survivor of narcissistic abuse and now teaches an art therapy process she developed during her recovery. She discovered that the most powerful part of art-making isn’t what we create — the final drawing or painting. It’s not about making something that looks pretty or gets displayed in an art gallery. It’s about the way art reconnects our minds and bodies and how it rebuilds an abuse survivor’s sense of identity. Because the real masterpiece…is YOU.Put on your listening ears and grab a crayon:What art therapy is (and isn’t)The emotions of art media (pencils can be comforting and paint can be overwhelming)Art-making and responsive writing: the left- and right-brain connectionWhy talking to your art is helpful (even if it feels weird)How art puts you back inside your body and rebuilds your intuitionWhat the “no-comment rule,” “process over product,” and “scribble drawings” areArt therapy techniques to try at home (with nobody looking!)Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here Related Resources:You’re gonna want to follow Jennifer’s Instagram account. It’s the reason I interviewed her. Redefine yourself and color your life, with art! Download Jennifer’s app, Redefined, to get more info on her core program, weekly emails, video bundles, and group or 1-on-1 coaching. If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.comJennifer Kramer is an artist, licensed art therapist, and online coach who helps women overcome the lasting effects of narcissistic abuse. She is the creator of The Redefined Process, an approach that uses a combination of spontaneous art-making and responsive writing, which she developed while recovering from narcissistic abuse. The Redefined Process works because it engages our bodies and minds in such a way that subconscious emotions, limiting beliefs, and desires are brought to the surface and (quite literally) made visible.

Abusers who leave a relationship are as rare as steak tartare. In fact, waiting for an abuser to leave is similar to waiting for them to change.Or asking for a hippopotamus for Christmas. Riding a unicorn. Losing weight on a cake-only diet.Not likely.If abusers are so unhappy with their victims, why don’t they leave first? Because staying fits within the point of abuse: to control you. And unless he’s discovered an excellent and easy alternative, you’re an endless supply for your emotional abuser’s selfishness. On top of that, if you’re a Christian woman, he knows you take your vows seriously. He’s counting on you to stick it out, no matter what. He’s got “God” on his side. Finally, when he mistreats you, like any sane person or hurt puppy, you react, and it ain’t pretty. You’re so ashamed of your behavior. He knows it. So instead of focusing on the harm he’s doing, you’re consumed by what a failure—a raging, bitter wretch of a person—you feel like. And you wonder: Am I the abuser? You’re stuck between a boulder (an impossible, destructive marriage) and a hard place (your paralyzing beliefs). What now?This episode is full of answers:Where I got $1.75 (and you can too!)Why your choice to stay or leave your abuser is less important than your reasons My relation to a judgy jerk (she looks like me, she sounds like me, but I swear, she isn’t me…anymore) and the hope that should give youAn abuser’s approach to counseling and change versus a survivor’s (one involves kicking and screaming)Two analogies to solve your shame and restore your power steering: dogs fighting and a locked car in a parking lot.Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Imagine two terminally ill children. Both are given three months to live. For one, there’s nothing doctors can do—death is certain. The disease is incurable and untreatable. For the second, there’s a life-saving treatment available. If it isn’t taken, the next three months will be a slow, excruciating crawl toward the end. If the treatment is started as soon as possible, the child will live and—what’s more—thrive.Family, friends, and church leaders of the second child gather around and declare that the life-saving treatment shouldn’t be accepted. Since the first child’s death is certain, it would be best for the second child to accept death as well. The second child should die. In fact, not only is it right to condemn the second child to death, but their suffering and pain will bring glory to God. One more thing. The second child is YOUR child. Thoughts? I have some. So listen in. In this episode:The 3 main problems with the “suffer like Job” argumentWhat the world would be like if this faulty logic workedThe difference between Job (and Saul) and abused women (it’s not the lack of beards)What your role and what’s hanging between your legs have to do with each other (SURPRISE: NOTHING! YAY!)A one-two punch of resources to combat the “God hates divorce” lie (it’s more like a 20-30 knockout, but you get the drift)What translations of the Bible have to do with all thisWomen who are beasts and like to shovel snow (I swear, it’s relevant)Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

It’s a thief.Abuse robs us of the truth about ourselves.Abuse steals our sense of safety.Abuse consumes our time and energy.And when we’re overwhelmed by all that abuse has taken from us, we can’t focus on the future or growth or discovery—the things that feed our soul and nurture our lives.So how do we find that little girl full of dreams again? How do we connect to the young woman who had stars in her eyes? Where’s the door to a sense of belonging and self and fulfillment? How do we build a future on a busted-up past?I’ve led many women through these questions. And we have to start by getting very precise. Because we don’t find our lives…we create them.The specifics of this episode:Why staying vague with your questions means you’ll never swipe the answers you wantWhich two questions to ask to reclaim what you’ve lostThe reason “open to interpretation” and “finding yourself” are kissing cousins (ewww)How interrupting is a good thing (when it comes to hijacking your thoughts)What checking in means and why you should do it (a way to snatch back your reality)Why there are so many definitions for who we are (and you get to nick whichever one you want)How we can be pickpockets of discovery..for life! (I swear, this is all on the up and up)Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

The thought of contacting a lawyer made her sick. To live through her abusive marriage was hard enough. Would she have to bare all the details of her twisted reality to someone…and pay them for it? Where would she get the money for that, especially since her husband was hiding his paychecks? Is your story anything like this?  I get the hesitation. The fear, the dread, and disgust. Bringing somebody else into your messy life is humiliating. But (and this is a really big but(t)), there are so many really important reasons to contact a lawyer when you’re in an abusive marriage. Because protecting yourself from financial abuse isn’t easy or simple, and it takes someone who knows what they’re doing.Which leads us to questions. You have so many questions. So I invited a lawyer who’s at the top of her game to answer the questions women just like you want (and need) answered. Because this knowledge is worth its weight in gold. And your protection is worth even more than that. This episode answers:What are the signs of financial abuse? What can you do if you’re being financially abused?Why is mediation with a narcissist like a waiting room (a very pointless, expensive one)?How can I survive financially if I get a divorce?My husband racked up credit card debt; am I responsible to pay it off if we divorce?Can I file for sole legal custody if my husband shows no interest in the kids?My husband is hiding assets but I have no proof; what can I do?Is it financial abuse to keep all his earnings to himself?What can I do if my husband refuses to pay bills?Will my husband’s higher income be taken into account when dividing debt during divorce?What can I do if my husband refuses to obey court orders, like paying alimony/child support? (HINT: garnishing wages has nothing to do with salad; who knew?)Why is life insurance important when alimony/child support is being paid?Should I keep utilities/mortgage in my name?And more!Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here Related Resources: Read Lisa’s popular blog on Legal Matters: Understanding mental health issues as they apply to divorce and child custody. Read more about Lisa on her website.Visit the Savvy Ladies site to learn more about how this organization champions the advancement of self-reliant, financially educated women.If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.comLisa Zeiderman is a matrimonial attorney, certified family law specialist, certified divorce financial analyst, and managing partner at Miller Zeiderman LLP, based in New York. She was named to the Crain’s New York list of Notable Woman Attorneys for 2022, a Hudson Valley Best Lawyer in 2022, and a 2021 Best Family Law Attorney for Client Satisfaction by the American Institute of Family Law Attorneys. She also serves as the vice president of the board of Savvy Ladies, Inc., a nonprofit helping reduce economic and racial disparities in financial education for women.

I have a confession. I’m a recovering asshole. Years ago, I had a friend. Her husband cheated on her. Then, he did it again. He kept cheating on her. He wasn’t sorry. Do you know what I told her to do?Stay with him. Pray and stay. Worse, I was proud to tell her this advice. Because I was God’s girl scout, and I knew best. Now, I can easily imagine the grief and further pain my words and assumptions added to her heartbreak. I thought everything was black and white. A + B = C, every time. Life was a math problem, and I had the answer. Boy, did I eat crow (and that’s just one example). But in many ways, I’m no different than everybody else. And there IS an equation that applies to us all:  Our thoughts make our feelings. Our feelings make our beliefs. And our beliefs make us. We become what we believe. We are like the god we worship. What’s your god like? And what do you do when someone else’s god says you’re bad? The confession progression:5 little “g” gods most people choose from (guess which one I loved)Real justice versus the imitation 3 ways to feel only love when people assassinate your characterBeing curious instead of an asshole (it takes some work, but it’s worth it)The Equation, Part 2 (extended cut): Your treatment of yourself = Your treatment of others; Your treatment of yourself and others = Your view of GodChicken dinners and the future (in case you’re stuffed full of crow too)My skincare routine (it’s not made of crow, I promise)Social distancing for smart peopleAccess the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

You’re not a toaster. No matter what you've been taught by religious leaders, you’re not a thing to be used.No matter what you’ve been told by your husband, you’re not an appliance to be owned.No matter what you’ve come to believe about yourself, you’re not property — at the mercy of a spouse who wants toast on demand. If you've found yourself tormented over how you’re treated in your marriage, especially when it comes to sex, and you waver between disgust and despairing “submission,” I have a new bottom line for you.It's four little letters, and it never justifies your mistreatment. In this episode:Why using the Bible to justify marital rape is a violation of God’s heart, your value, and marriageThe amount of education I have in this field (and why it doesn’t matter)What three-year-olds and believing the moon is made of cheese have to do with this issueWhy evolving beliefs are a sign of faith and humility, not sin and arroganceThe reason I’m okay with you completely disagreeing with me (really)Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

"He wants to treat me better. He just doesn’t know how.""He says he’s sorry. He really hates how he acts.""He’s struggling. He can’t help it."Do you have these thoughts about your husband?Have these thoughts led to anything good? More peace? Change (on his part)? Hope that lasts? A better marriage? A never-ending bucket of fried chicken?Didn’t think so. I have some other thoughts to offer. You can take them or leave them. They might seem cynical and hopeless on the surface. But I believe they’re the means to all the things you’re hoping for…except one. This episode comes with not one but two guarantees: Adults have 100% control over their behavior. And you have a 0% chance of making someone grow or change when they don’t want to. The episode highlight reel:Why acknowledging wrongdoing means nothing (if the wrongdoer is abusive)Why his apologies mean squat (if the behavior continues)Why WHAT he’s doing matters and WHY he’s doing it means next to nothingWhy saying he wants to grow means bupkes (if he doesn’t)Why an abuser giving “God’s” advice has zero authorityWhy your opinion on all of this matters and everybody’s else’s means zipAccess the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

I have two presents for you.One is a regift. The other is brand-spanking, hot-off-the-waffle-press new. First, I compiled some of the best (and by “best” I mean absolute trash and worst) things people say to Christian women in abusive marriages when they seek help or divorce. Second, I’m giving you a comeback. A burn-it-to-the-ground, shred-it-to-cheddar-cheese, drop-the-mic, break-the-wrist-and-walk-away comeback for every single one.  I know how hard it is to stand before people who attack your character, deny your reality, determine your destiny, and demand your unquestioning allegiance…to your own destruction (in this case…as a married woman). The endless, useless, conflicting platitudes they give instead of real help and logical advice. I also know how gutted you feel, how tongue-tied and mind-mushed you are when people spout off what sounds holy and bossy and right but is actually idiotic and damaging. So unwrap your presents (press play) and revel in the ridiculous while I slaughter these silly arguments once and for all. And you can regift these babies with my blessing. In this episode:The stupid strawman: “It takes two to tango.”The annoying adage: “You’re not perfect either.” The pointless platitude: “Christians are called to suffer well.” The ridiculous reasoning: “Hurt people, hurt people.”The airheaded argument: “Your husband isn’t acting like a Christian, so he’s now your mission field.”Cooking-with-gas comebacks for these…and more. Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

If you break abuse down to the nitty-gritty, at its heart is something called “emotional childhood.” Abusers think everybody should make their life work. Everyone should cater to their whims. Everybody is responsible for their emotions. For fixing them, moment by moment. They shouldn’t have to do anything. Like a stunted emotional child. If you’re a wife in this situation, you come to believe that you are supposed to fix your husband. You think you’re the only one who can (and that “fixing” him is even possible). Any movement to protect yourself, to detach, to assign responsibility to him for HIS OWN LIFE and CHOICES, feels like betrayal and selfishness and just plain gross. Your husband and many religious people would agree. Which leads us right back to: Am I responsible for fixing my husband? Is detaching from him to protect myself wrong? I’ve been asked these questions hundreds—if not thousands—of times, so I’ve fleshed out an answer that addresses them AND all those icky rabbit trails in your mind. And unlike what you’ve been told in church, online, or by your husband, this answer doesn’t require you to throw yourself in a pool to save a person who wants to drown…and drag you under too.  Get clear explanations like:What detachment really is (and why it’s so good and necessary)2 helpful lists highlighting how children think/express themselves (so helpful if you know you’re not living from your values but you’re not sure why)Signs you’re living in emotional childhoodThe difference between emotional adulthood and emotional childhoodWhy getting out of abuse doesn’t stop the thought/behavior patterns you’ve learned in destructive relationships (women can get free and still live chained lives if they don’t realize this)How to make decisions from peace and wisdom instead of denial and fear (doing this will lead to a level of satisfaction and success you’ve only dreamed of!)And more!Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

It’s hammer time.I’ve broken down the problems churches face when abuse victims come forward (along with how churches usually react). Then, I smash through the fallacies their hurtful behavior is constructed on. Finally, I provide the building blocks of how to respond to abuse like Jesus did, so the church can be a tool of healing instead of just…tools.  Cause there’s no point in demoing a building if you don’t intend to build something better. Here’s how the real church should respond to women begging for help from abusive partners. This tool belt of an episode hits on:How to drill down to the truth (who the actual abuser is) when a partner reports abuse and asks for helpWhy churches often leave victims with one impossible option (like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole)What love truly means in this situation (it’s not a saved marriage) How asking questions can help the church measure twice and cut once (for example: What would motivate a victim to lie? Would a true abuser come forward for help? What does the victim gain by admitting what’s going on? And more)Why letting the chips (and sawdust) fall where they may is foundationalThe blueprints in a nutshell: Giving the victim her own power drillAccess the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Is the last thing you googled, “Am I crazy?” or “Why does my husband hate me?” or the literal title of this episode? Bleh. Living in such horrible, constant confusion can make us obsessive. Not crazy obsessive. The “desperate for answers” kind. The “I’m living in purgatory and I hate it!” kind. The “Is it me even though I’m trying so hard?” kind. If you’re looking for a fixed point of reference—a way to know what’s real and true, then you’ve stumbled across something better than 6.84 million Google results. Because I’m going to answer your question in incredible detail. In this episode, I lay all the cards on the table:The messages this crazymaking makes in our brains (which are much more dangerous than the crazymaking and abuse)Why your husband’s behavior is not actually creating the problems (WHAT?!? Hear me out.)The ONE THING you keep giving your husband that you need to give yourself insteadWhy trusting a man who lies means you can’t trust someone more important (it’s a nasty cycle)Resources to help you get off this hamster wheel of horror…for keepsAccess the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

“How Not to Be a Meanie” doesn’t hit the same, does it?“How Not to Act Out Patriarchal Theology, AKA ‘A Chocolate-Covered Turd’” is probably too long.And Andrew Bauman wants to get the attention of men who have bought into domination and called it love, and control and called it protection. The men who feel entitled to women’s bodies and minds and service, all in the name of God. Asses. How does he tackle the problem? One donkey-sized piece at a time. This jam-packed episode includes:The unavoidable word “ass”What to do if you’re told your husband’s porn addiction is your fault or no big deal (the aud-ass-ity!)Why real change isn’t a made bed and an open Bible (it’s actually sooooo boring)5 quick, clear, key differences between a safe man and a giant assHow to love the duck you have instead of trying to make it into a cat (we aren’t quacks, we swear)What Andrew thinks of marriage intensives/counseling for emotionally abusive men (a hard p-ass)Why ass-king the question, “Does your husband know how to use a phone?” is more about you than him (and how it will change your ass-essment of your marriage)Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here Related Resources:Connect with Andrew on Facebook.Snag or recommend Andrew’s book: How Not to Be an *SS: Essays on Becoming a Good & Safe Man.If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.comAndrew J. Bauman is a licensed mental health counselor with a master’s degree in counseling psychology from The Seattle School of Theology & Psychology. He’s the author of How Not to Be an *SS, The Sexually Healthy Man, Floating Away, Stumbling Toward Wholeness, The Psychology of Porn, and (with his wife Dr. Christy Bauman) A Brave Lament, a book and award-winning film. He’s also the founder and director of the Christian Counseling Center for Sexual Health & Trauma.

This may be controversial for some of my audience. Twenty years ago, I may have unsubscribed, not understanding what this was actually about. What IS this about? It’s about Who God is. It’s about representing Him well. That’s what Jesus did, and that is our calling, as Christians. This is about the way we view God and how our view impacts the way we live our lives. We either honor the truth about God’s character or we tell a lie about God’s character. This is about a lie I used to believe about God. I don’t have the answers. That’s what makes me different from who I was twenty years ago. Back then, I knew everything. And I told everyone so they could also know everything. And I judged everyone who didn’t know everything. Like I did. Twenty years later I definitely do NOT know everything. I believe a couple of simple, life-changing things about God, and I run everything through the grid of that simple faith. And it brings love and peace and joy into my life, and that hopefully touches the lives of those around me. This is a message of love, and yet you might hear it and get upset. I encourage you to get curious about your feelings. They come, not from this message, but from what your brain makes this message mean for you. And it is quite possible your brain will make this message mean something threatening to your programming, and that will feel scary and uncomfortable. When Jesus came to this earth with a message of radical love that went against the programming of the people, they got scared and upset too. So much so, that they killed Him. All I hope is that this message of love reflects HIS message of love. How would our lives be different if we could just drop into the love of Jesus without fear of condemnation and shame? Without all the religious words and rules and sacrifices? Religiously programmed brains are far more comfortable with rules and regulations than simple faith and love. It’s okay to get upset. It means your brain is being stretched and challenged, and that’s a good thing. You may decide to keep your brain’s programming, but at least keep it from a place of awareness, intentionality, and choice rather than unaware, non-conscious programming. If I could accomplish only one thing with my life, it would be to play a role in raising the awareness of the world I live in today of Who God really is. He is not a control-freak abuser like so many of his followers reflect through their own beliefs and behavior. God is Love. Period. What would happen if we believed that? How would we change? How would the world change?That’s what this episode is about. Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Did you know that abuse has a bestie?Its sneaky little friend is Shame. Shame is a talkative fellow but very dependable. He hangs on your earlobes and yells: “You’re not perfect, so you can’t point out your husband’s faults.”“You yelled back, so you expect him to stop.”“You pull away emotionally, so you can’t get angry when he stonewalls.”“You hit him after he hit you, so you deserved it.”“You found comfort in someone else’s arms, so you’re just as bad as him.”“You have no right to expect better when you’re so screwed up.”Shame keeps us bound and trapped, even long after a divorce. So what should you do with these painful, tormenting thoughts?This episode’s bird’s-eye view:How we’re all toddlers running around with giant knives Why what we make things mean matters more than anything else (if that made no sense, you definitely need to listen)What to do with the torment of wanting people to support youThe solution for the shame of your poor choices (it’s warm, thick, organic, and probably grass-fed, and starts with an “L”)The cool club you can join if you’re a sinner (HINT: It’s called “The Human Race”)Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Imagine a world where women are property.Where they have no rights — not even to defend themselves against abuse or to claim ownership over their minds…to declare, for instance, that they are not insane. That they shouldn’t be held prisoner in an insane asylum because they disagreed with their husband. That horrifying world you imagined? You're living in it. Of the countless women who’ve gone before you, Elizabeth Packard stands out as one who fought for the oppressed and the voiceless, for her relentless faith, and for freedom.Her true, daring story has been dug from history, and you need to hear it. Because the impact of her life is still echoing today.I interviewed award-winning author and champion of women, Kate Moore, to learn more about The Woman They Could Not Silence. I was on the edge of my seat, and you will be too. The Recap: How the weapon of Elizabeth’s betrayal is still often used to this day (#MeToo, anyone?)Why the worst thing was the best thing (when you’ve got nothing to lose, you’re especially brave)The strange and incredible way Kate stumbled upon Elizabeth’s storyThe power of hindsight (100 years later, her legacy is only expanding)How writing played a critical part in keeping Elizabeth saneAccess the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question hereRelated Resources:Now that you’re fired up, get the book (audio, digital, and print — I tell you my favorite version in the podcast): The Woman They Could Not Silence.Women condemned to death. A landmark fight for justice. A world left safer and better by their sacrifice. Read The Radium Girls by Kate Moore.Learn more about Kate and what she’s up to on her website.If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.comKate Moore is a British writer and the New York Times bestselling author of The Radium Girls, which won the 2017 Goodreads Choice Award for Best History, was voted U.S. librarians’ favorite nonfiction book of 2017, and was named a Notable Nonfiction Book of 2018 by the American Library Association. Her latest book is The Woman They Could Not Silence, the true story of a nineteenth-century housewife who was committed to an insane asylum for daring to defy her husband. TWTCNS is a LibraryReads and Indie Next pick and was the runner-up for Best History in the 2021 Goodreads Choice Awards.

The only reason I’m where I am today — divorced from an abusive husband, healed, remarried to a good man, helping others, and thriving — is because of one simple tool.I share it in Flying Free and Flying Higher, my online coaching, education, and support communities that are worth their weight in fat-melting chocolate (please science, make this real). Today, I'm sharing the best thing I have. You get a free, front-row seat to this show. Prepare yourself. Cause I absolutely stake my secret pie stash on the fact that if you use this tool, it will ROCK YOUR WORLD.In my funky magnum opus for your listening delight:*What “CTFAR” means (this is the solid bass line)Why we think we’re victims of our circumstances, but we’re really victims of our thoughts (woohoo, the groovy chorus)How letting go of control plays a huge part in resetting the stage of our life (cue the irresistible drum solo)The important difference between facts and opinions, and feelings and sensations (ooh, the surprising jazzy bridge)Why we're all prophets and how to make that a good thing (a tear-jerking fade-out to riotous applause)The credits (when you realize YOU ARE THE ROCKSTAR in this story)*There isn’t actually any music in this episode. I’m sorry. Please imagine me singing all of it, with my blessing. Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

It’s a beautiful sight, isn’t it?A grown man throwing a tantrum. Stomping around, calling you names, slamming doors. Hits you right in the feels, eh? Or maybe he’s the quiet type of mean. Stonewalling. Sleeping for days. Leaving for hours without warning.However a husband’s jerky behavior manifests, most Christian wives are taught to respond the same ways:Assume you’re the problem. Feel shame. Assume you have to endure his behavior. Feel despair.Assume you have to make his life work. Feel resentment.For all these common feelings, I’ve got some uncommon alternatives. And they WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. Which is a lot more attractive than a grown man acting like a two-year-old.Episode Highlights:The “Versus” Game: Ten common thoughts versus ten uncommon responses to abusive behavior (as mind-blowing as finding out that Pluto isn’t a planet anymore, 10x)The “Blue Hair” Game: No hair dye needed; you just have to do a bit of reframing your perspective (specifically that he’s a little nuts and you’re not)The “Peace Out” Game: The aim is to get your peace back by walking away from disrespect. Worth its weight in gold, people. The “30-Minute” Game: This is when I tell you the podcast is over. It seems like nobody wins this game, but really you just get to binge-listen to a bunch more. (158 episodes more, winky wink.)The “I Want to Tell You More But All I’m Really Doing Is Keeping You From Listening to the Podcast Already” Game: You know what to do. Click it. Click the play button. Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.comI'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-downloadYou can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.comAnd finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com