Karl Pillemer, author of Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them explains how seemingly small disagreements can grow to jeopardize relationships, and what parents of teens should know about patching up arguments and preventing permanent damage.If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review! Full Show NotesWe have arguments with our teens about little things everyday–what to have for dinner, whether they can take the car out, what they’re wearing to school that day, et, etc. And although these skirmishes can seem small, they tend to add up. Suddenly, you tell your teen to put away their shoes one day, and they’re screaming at you, saying you’re ruining their life. It’s not the shoes that have them hysterical, it’s the cumulative effect of all the little disagreements over time!Most of the time when these fights erupt, no one wants to apologize first. Distance can grow between the two of you. You become more and more certain that YOU were right and the OTHER person was acting crazy. You find other people who agree with you, and you stop questioning yourself. Then things just get worse until you find your relationship permanently damaged. In serious cases, you might even find yourself estranged from your kid. To understand how we can handle these Earth-shaking arguments with grace and prevent a deep rift from forming, we’re talking to Karl Pillemer, author of Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them.  Karl’s a sociologist who’s been researching estrangement between family members for years. He’s become acutely aware of how seemingly small disagreements can grow to jeopardize relationships.In our interview, Karl and I break down what parents of teens should know about patching up arguments and preventing permanent damage. We dive into what you should do when you and your teen have disputes over values or lifestyle choices. We also talk about what leads family members to become alienated from one another, and how you can keep your teen from shutting you out. Follow us on Social Media! We're @talkingtoteens on Instagram and TikTok

Rebecca Reid, journalist and author of Rude, sheds light on the surprising positives to rudeness and how we could all get a bit more rude without offending anyone!If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review! Full show notesIt’s easy to get caught up worrying about your kid behaving rudely when you’re not around. You might be picturing them going to the neighbor's house and asking for food they weren’t offered, forgetting to say please and thank you, and causing a huge mess without cleaning it up. No one wants a kid with no manners, so we tend to push politeness onto kids with a fervor. We often try so hard to keep kids from being rude that we force them to swing too far in the other direction, towards being overly courteous, saying “sorry” for everything and letting others walk all over them.When we teach our kids to be apologetic, we can do more harm than good. Raising an overly submissive teen can mean that they’re not comfortable raising their hand in the classroom, advocating for themselves in a job interview or even saying no to an unwanted sexual encounter. If we want to raise happy and healthy teens, we have to teach them to be firm, honest, comfortable...and maybe even a little rude.Today we’re sitting down to chat with Rebecca Reid, author of Rude: Stop Being Nice, Start Being Bold. Rebecca is a regular columnist for Marie Clare, the Guardian, the Telegraph, and more. She also makes regular appearances on Good Morning Britain, where she contributes to conversations about political and social issues.Rebecca has been known to be assertive and firm in her convictions...but has always found herself apologizing a little too much. She started to notice that a lot of her submissiveness was caused by how she was conditioned to act as a woman! That’s why she decided to write her book, to help young people, especially girls, understand when it’s ok to be a little impolite and express their true feelings.In our discussion, she breaks down the difference between positive and negative rudeness, the ways in which we can teach kids to understand consent, and how rudeness plays into the parent-teen relationship.The Right Kind of RudeWhen we hear the word “rude”, we think about everything we don’t want our kids to be. We might conjure up images of people chewing with their mouths open, or loudly interrupting somebody with no regard for this current conversation. When Rebecca talks about raising kids to be a little rude, this isn’t quite what she means.Rebecca divides rude behavior into positive and negative. Negative rudeness is what you might think when you think of being rude: using vulgar language, cutting someone in line, or insulting someone’s new haircut. Positive rudeness is all about making things a little uncomfortable when needed. If someone’s exhibiting positive rudeness, they alert the waiter when they’re given the wrong order, or tell someone honestly that they’re not interested in going on a date.In our interview, I talk with Rebecca about how young people, especially girls, have been conditioned to put other people’s feelings before their own. While it can be good to teach kids the importance of being considerate, Rebecca believes we shouldn’t stop there. She says we should also help them understand when it’s appropriate to speak up and communicate their feelings and desires.Take, for example, the difference between saying “sorry” and “thank you”. When we’re late, we tend to apologize, when our true intention is to show that we appreciate the other person waiting for us. We’ve grown so used to saying “sorry” for every small mistake, putting ourselves down unnecessarily. Rebecca explains how it’s ok to not apologize, even when our conditioning makes us feel we have to.A huge part of discussing communication and assertiveness among young people is the idea of helping them stop an unwanted sexual encounter. Rebecca and I delve into this in the episode.Helping Teens Understand ConsentTalking to kids about sex is pretty much always awkward...how could it not be? However, if we totally neglect to talk to kids about the birds and the bees, they might not go into it with the right mindset. They might feel like they need to cave to pressure, or may not know the signs that their partner is feeling pressured.Rebecca and I talk about how this relates to rudeness–that is, making things uncomfortable for the sake of one’s own well being. It might not be the most agreeable thing to say “no” when someone asks for sex, but it’s the right thing for teens to do if they’re not ready to consent.If you want to teach your kid about bodily autonomy, Rebecca says you can start by simply reminding them that they don’t have to do anything they aren’t comfortable with. She suggests explaining to them that if someone is tickling them or tossing them in the air, they can ask for it to to stop. If they don’t want to kiss or hug family members or friends, it can be really valuable to reassure them that they don’t have to.Similarly, Rebecca suggests creating an environment in your home where teens can come to you if they’ve had a sexual experience they aren’t sure about. Even though sex can be a touchy topic, giving your kid a safe space to share their concerns can be so important. It’s difficult for teens to turn to somebody when a traumatic sexual situation is weighing on them, and having your support can make a huge difference.It’s important for teens to know they can be a little rude when confronted with unwanted sexual activity, but this isn’t the only place where rudeness plays a role. In the episode, Rebecca and I chat about how rudeness factors into parent-teen relationships.Why Being Rude MattersAs a parent, you’re probably used to telling your teen to stop talking back, to quit giving you sass. But Rebecca says this tendency for teens to rebel against what we ask of them can be integral to their development. They’re experimenting with expressing their own opinions and challenging what they’ve been taught–something they'll have to learn to do as they grow into adults. In this case, Rebecca says it’s necessary for teens to be rude, so they can test their own boundaries.Similarly, it can be important for parents to be a little rude to kids. If you’re having a conversation with another adult, but your kid just won’t stop bugging you, Rebecca says it’s alright to shush your kid and tell them to stop. Although it might be abrupt or a bit curt, you’re helping your kid understand boundaries, and reminding them that they’re not the center of the universe. If you’re not a little rude to them occasionally, they might grow up expecting everyone to tiptoe around them and treat them with total politeness–an expectation that doesn’t match reality.Rudeness is a difficult line to walk in your relationship with your kid, but it’s better than always pretending every interaction is a frolic through a field of daisies. If you go too far and find yourself exhibiting negative rudeness, Rebecca says to take it as an opportunity to apologize. Admitting you made a mistake and showing kids you can accept when you’re wrong sets a great example for teens who might find themselves having to do the same thing.In the Episode…Rebecca and I discuss all sorts of ways that being a little rude ...

Susan Groner, founder of the Parenting Mentor, shares her wisdom and parenting “hacks” with us. Discover my favorite tips from Susan’s latest book Parenting: 101 Ways to Rock Your World, and Susan’s #1 reason why fights break out between parents and teens. Plus, what to say instead of “Because I said so.”If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review! Full show notesWhat kind of support do you need as a parent? When you pick up a parenting book, what are you hoping to find?Information that’s quick and digestibleAdvice that fits into your life’s current rhythmsMaybe a reminder that not everything you’re doing is wrongThat doesn’t sound like too much to ask for, but how often do we pick up a parenting book only to put it down, thinking…This author doesn’t know what they’re talking aboutThat sounds great, but who has time to learn this crap?This book makes me feel like a terrible parent!Being a parent is hard work! Parents should have the kind of support they need, when they need it. That’s why I sought out the opportunity to talk to the amazing parenting mentor, Susan Groner.Susan Groner is the mother of three grown children. Though, when she was in the throes of motherhood, she felt overwhelmed by the challenges. She didn’t find parenting books helpful at all. She thought there had to be some creative parenting hacks to help her through the tough and joyful times of parenting.Eventually, she developed her trademark CLEARR™ method and founded The Parenting Mentor. The Parenting Mentor is a website where she provides coaching for parents of children of all ages. Plus, her techniques are easily applicable and build off of what you’re already doing! Needless to say, I was thrilled to talk to her about her new parenting book, Parenting: 101 Ways to Rock Your World.Fast and Feel GoodSusan’s Parenting 101 has been dubbed the “parenting book for parents who don’t have time for parenting books.” This is completely by design.When Susan was asked to write her book, she knew immediately that she didn’t want to write a traditional parenting book. Those were never helpful for her, so she wasn’t going to just play along.She wanted a book that was designed for parents to pick up, read for two minutes, and put down.She wanted a list of quick creative parenting hacks to uplift parents and to remind them they're already doing a lot of stuff right!Like any job, you’re probably going to do better work when you’re feeling confident and competent. This is why parents should feel good about what they’re doing! Raising another human being is a hard enough job description. The additional stress and anxiety that parents go through because they don’t feel good enough is unnecessary. Susan doesn’t want parents to feel angst, especially when there are creative parenting hacks that can help.So what are some of these creative parenting hacks?The CLEARR™ MethodAll of Susan’s creative parenting hacks come down to one acronym: CLEARR™CommunicationLoveEmpathyAwarenessRulesRespectHow we talk to our teenagers is so important.If a teen hates a rule in your house, it’s important to understand why. Even when you do feel strongly about a rule, Susan says that your response shouldn’t be: “Because I said so!” That’s just laying down the law. That’s a fight waiting to happen.Instead of laying down the law, Susan suggests you respond: “Let’s talk about that.”You want to know why your teen thinks a rule stinks, and then clarify why the rule is still important. A conversation with love and respect, where your tone of voice is kind, loving, and empathetic will go much better than a shouting match. You’ll be amazed by how quickly a simple change in your response can diffuse your teen’s frustration. Susan’s creative parenting hacks pretty much all revolve around this.Timing, Manner, and Intonation (Tip #5 of 101)We didn’t have time to go through all 101 of Susan’s creative parenting hacks, but we did get to touch on a handful. For example, #5 from her book is titled “Timing, Manner, and Intonation.” These are three factors you can leverage when talking to your teen about tough topics.Susan breaks them down really easily. Think about timing. When do you want to have a tough conversation with your teen? You probably don’t want to talk about their friends’ smoking habits while you’re also pressed for a deadline at work. So what are the creative parenting hacks for having this hard conversation? Susan offers several suggestions.Timing:Create a time to set aside. Schedule a time to go for a walk, or have a cup of tea together. If you both like gardening, do some yard work. Anything that relaxes both you and your teen. Once that is scheduled, you’ll be able to approach the topic with an easier manner and intonation.Manner & Intonation:The language you choose, and the tone in which you say it, is so important when communicating with teens. Teens do NOT want to hear judgment at all. So using nonjudgmental language and a kind tone is a priority. You can be firm on your family’s values without bashing the behaviors of your teen and their friend group. As long as your words and tone indicate that you’re not mad at your teen, but empathetic and loving, it’s likely they will listen and be responsive.Even with our best efforts, though, it’s hard to be perfect. What do you do when your teen does get angry about something?Unintentional JudgmentsSusan thinks that a lot of reasons why fights in the house start are because of unintentional judgmental comments.For example, let’s say your teen comes home from school and slams the door. WHAM! Your kid is obviously pissed about something. Still, most of our gut responses to the dramatic entrance might be:“Why’d you slam the door? Don’t slam the door in this house!”You can imagine how your teenager might respond before marching off to his or her room and slamming their door again.Susan says that sometimes teens just want to be heard. So you want to use words that show you see they’re upset, and that you want to be there for them. You might say:“Wow, sweetie, you seem really angry. Is something upsetting you today? What happened?”You’re not going to fix whatever happened or promise to make it better, but you can listen and be empathetic. Maybe a teacher disciplined them. Again, our gut response might be to say:“Well, what did you do?”That’s a surefire way to make your teen defensive, though. Those words make it sound like whatever happened was the teen’s fault. Even if it was, their teacher already disciplined them. If your teen needed more scolding, you probably would’ve gotten an email from the te...