Total 2 episodes

10/04/2022Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Ep 185: Leaving Home Without Losing Their Roots

Jennifer Morton, author of Moving Up Without Losing Your Way, joins us to discuss how young adults’ identities change as they leave the nest and find new communities beyond their hometowns.If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review! Full show notesWhen kids leave home, they embark on an entirely new adventure. New friends, mentors, classes and jobs can help them develop different perspectives and ideas. And while we want our kids to grow and change, it can be disorienting when they suddenly come home with a new hair color or completely different college major! It’s especially jolting when they seem to have new opinions and values beyond the ones you raised them with. So how can we help teens stay connected to their roots, even after they leave the nest? It’s no easy task. When teens leave home for a totally new environment, they might not fit in right away…leading them to change their wardrobe, behavior and even their beliefs. For some, the approaching professional world might force them to conceal their real selves to get ahead. Every teen has an unpredictable journey to adulthood, and there’s bound to be some identity conflict as a result.To help kids grow into successful adults without forgetting where they came from, we’re talking to Jennifer Morton, author of Moving Up Without Losing Your Way: The Ethical Costs of Upward Mobility. Jennifer has worked as a professor of philosophy everywhere from Penn state to the City College of New York–meaning she’s worked with students from all kinds of backgrounds. Over time, she began to notice that those from lower income households tended to struggle with the social and cultural expectations of college, inspiring her to think critically about how young adults change as they leave home.In our interview, we’re defining the term “code-switching”, and how young adults often use this technique when they feel pressured to fit in. Plus, we’re discussing why entitlement can actually be a good thing, and how we can start having tough conversations with our teens about the real world while they’re still under our roof.Code-Switching: What it is and Why it Matters For teens being catapulted into higher education or the professional world, it can be hard to hang on to their identity! They might find themselves talking differently, dressing differently, hiding where they’re from or what their interests are. This process of purposely changing the way one presents themselves is called code-switching, says Jennifer. And although it can often be seen as inauthentic, she believes that this technique can actually be pretty useful. When we’re trying to get ahead, we tweak things about ourselves, like wearing a nice suit to a meeting instead of our favorite jeans. But this doesn’t make us inauthentic, says Jennifer. It just means we know how to present ourselves in a way that prompts others to take us more seriously. When teens ditch their hometown slang for more professional language, they aren’t necessarily concealing their identity–just editing it for context! However, if teens are constantly changing their personality to fit in, it can be hard to draw a line between what’s real and what’s manufactured, Jennifer says. To make sure teens aren’t overdoing it, she suggests prompting them to think about their core values before code-switching. If they feel that changing their hair or accent is disrespectful to their own culture or community, Jennifer encourages teens to refrain from doing so! Holding on to this sense of a core identity is one of the ways teens can stay in touch with their roots.Entering the real world often means that teens have to start speaking up about what they want or need. For some, expressing their concerns is nothing new. For others, it’s a serious challenge. In our interview, Jennifer and I are discussing the idea of entitlement, and why socio-economic background tends to affect how entitled our kids can be.Is Your Teen Entitled? When Jennifer began working at a prestigious private university, she noticed that many of the students felt very comfortable speaking up in class or even coming to her office with concerns. When she compared this to her experience at the city college, she noticed that public school students from low income households behaved in the opposite way–nervous to raise their hand or confront authority. What Jennifer discovered was a difference in entitlement between individuals from different backgrounds. As time went on, Jennifer began to see how a lack of entitlement can actually hurt students. Those who came from less-wealthy families didn’t feel empowered to take control of their own education…because they often grew up without the privileges of small class sizes or personal tutors. Jennifer realized that these students needed to gain a little more entitlement! Not so much entitlement that they behave rudely or expect the impossible, but enough so that they felt their voice matters within their own education. So how can we help our teens develop a healthy sense of entitlement? Jennifer explains that within a school context, it can be beneficial to have kids create a relationship with the educator. If the teacher knows a teen isn’t always the most confident in class, they can keep an extra eye out for your teen’s hand when asking questions, says Jennifer. She also encourages parents to remind kids of all backgrounds that they’re allowed to speak up when they feel something isn’t right! All of this real-world stuff can be a little overwhelming for teens taking their first steps into adulthood. In the episode, Jennifer and I discuss how you can start having conversations with your teen about impending adulthood so it doesn’t hit them like a brick!Talking to Kids About the Future When we’re helping kids plan a life for themselves, it can be easy to just emphasize the positive parts. We don’t want to freak them out too much, so we might gloss over the pains of searching for jobs or finding apartments. But Jennifer warns us against this! If we don’t prepare kids for the challenges they’ll face, they may think that they’re to blame for the difficulties they’re experiencing. Jennifer encourages us to have trust that our kids will be able to competently face life’s curveballs . Teens are going to transform as they grow into adults, and even if it’s hard to watch, it’s not a bad thing, says Jennifer. Parents who try to stop kids from evolving will only drive a wedge between themselves and their kids, Jennifer explains. If parents can validate kids’ feelings and at least attempt to understand the choices teens are making for themselves, Jennifer believes parents can maintain a strong bond with their kids as they grow into adulthood. Once kids do leave, they may come to you with complaints–they suddenly hate the roommate you always knew was bad news, or they can’t find a job with the arts degree they begged you to pay for. And while it’s tempting to just tell them “you’ll get over it” or “I told you so”, Jennifer recommends practicing a little empathy and patience. If we can support teens emotionally through all their growing pains, we can maintain a relationship with them while they’re still figuring it all out!In the Episode…<...

# Transition to AdulthoodThe process and challenges faced by young adults as they move from adolescence to independence, including social, educational, and emotional aspects.

# Parenting Teens # Code-Switching # Entitlement # Identity Changes

11/04/2021Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Ep 133: When Does a Teen Become an Adult?

Julie Lythcott-Haims, author of Your Turn and How to Raise an Adult, brings to the show her vast knowledge of the psychology of emerging adults. How can we help our teens and 20somethings turn out well?If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review! Full show notesWhen kids leave the nest, it can be terrifying to see them go. As a parent, you may feel that your whole life has led up to this moment, and you might worry that you haven’t done enough. You want your kid to take on the world and succeed, but you worry they might come home crying and asking for their old bedroom back.As scared as you might be, the terror of leaving home is even worse for young adults themselves. Life is full of trials and tribulations, and it’s scary without someone there to hold their hand. You probably remember the fear you felt when you first left home, how unpredictable and challenging every minute was.Even though adulting is hard, we as parents can start preparing our kids now, in their teen years. If we build a solid foundation of self sufficiency, kids will be able to adapt to the curveballs that life throws their way. Our guest this week is Julie Lythcott-Haims, author of Your Turn: How to Be an Adult. The book is full of personal stories and candid advice for how to be a functional young adult.In our interview today, Julie and I talk about how it can actually be bad if your teen plans too much for their future. We also discuss why you shouldn’t be afraid to show your kid your imperfections, and how you can raise kids who know how to form healthy relationships.Why Planning Can Be ProblematicSome kids think they know exactly what college they’ll go to. They assume they’ll get into grad school from there, meet the love of their life at 25, get the job of their dreams. They know where they want to live, what dog they want to have and what they’re going to name their kids. But what if they don’t get into that college? What if they’re halfway through their degree and realize...they don’t want to be there? Then their plan falls apart, and they find themselves wandering in the fog.We want teens to have goals and ambitions, but we need to make sure they remain adaptable, says Julie. Adulthood is full of unexpected changes, identity crisis and relationship troubles. If teens plan too much for their future, they’ll only find themselves disappointed when things don’t work out how they expected.Sometimes kids are so focused on their plan that they miss out on something that could be so much better than what they’ve imagined for themselves. In the episode, Julie tells a fascinating story about a young man who worked for years to get into dental school. One day, right in the middle of an operation, he decided he just wasn’t happy with his choices. This realization sent him on a new journey of self exploration that changed his life. Even though he had it all planned to a T, he found those plans did not satisfy him, and he had to start all over again.If we really want to help teens survive in the world, we have to guide them towards the realization that things will never be perfect. In doing so, it can be extremely impactful to tell kids about our own mistakes, so they can learn from us.The Value of VulnerabilityYou probably know how hard it is to be a young person just starting out in the world–because you’ve done it. You likely went through plenty of mishaps and tough times before you eventually landed on the right path. Believe it or not, Julie says, teens don’t imagine that we went through any of that. They tend to think we were able to handle everything like a pro with no mistakes. Then, when they find themselves struggling, they feel like they’re the only ones.Julie suggests sharing all your failures with your teen, to help them see that messing up is not only normal, but educational. Julie and I talk about how much data we gather from making mistakes. It’s at our lowest points, Julie says, that we figure out what makes us truly unhappy. This realization is just as important as realizing what does make us happy, she notes.We sometimes want their kids to follow a certain path or live their life in a very specific way because it suits our narrative. We want to be able to brag to our friends that they got into Harvard or got hired at Apple, but Julie stresses that their journey is not about us. They have to find themselves, even if it can be hard to watch them diverge from the path we’ve set.One of the hardest things about being a happy and stable adult is creating healthy relationships with others. In the episode, Julie and I get into how we can look out for ourselves, while also compromising when needed..Fostering Functional RelationshipsOne of the lessons parents tend to teach kids is the value of protecting themselves before anyone else. Although Julie stands by the importance of prioritizing oneself, she also wants young people to understand the value of compromising with other people.In our interview, Julie talks about how young people often find happiness with a friend or significant other, but drop them at the first disagreement. They feel that if someone isn’t treating them exactly how they expect, then that person needs to go. However, Julie finds this logic problematic. Relationships aren’t perfect and they never will be. If young adults expect constant harmony, they’ll never find someone who makes them happy.Julie stresses the value of teaching kids to be happy with themselves, but also navigate the often complicated path of relating to others. Although it’s hard to find that balance, it’s essential to living a stable life. Equipping kids with the ability to set boundaries and resolve conflict with others will do wonders for them as they make their way through adulthood, Julie says.One way parents can do this is through modeling, Julie says. If we’re raising kids with a partner, make it explicit to growing teens that your relationship isn’t perfect. There are pushes and pulls that create friction and tension, but with honest communication and time, there is always a way back to peace with one another. If we can teach teens this lesson, they’ll have more success with romantic and platonic relationships in adult life.In the Episode…It was a pleasure to sit down with Julie today and discuss how we can help young adults live their best lives. On top of the topics mentioned above, we talk about:How parents can leave kids with a “tool kit” for adult lifeWhat we can do to give kids more autonomy in their teen yearsHow money management is complicated by emotional thinkingWhy we need to teach kids to have boundariesWhat we should tell teens in place of “find your passions”Entering adulthood will always be a challenging process, but Julie has some great tips for us to help prepare our teens for finding their passion, being financially independent, and whatever else comes their way! Grateful to have Julie on the show--thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next week! Follow us on Social Media! We're @talkingtoteens on Instagram and TikTok

# Transition to AdulthoodThe process of moving from teenage years into adulthood, encompassing the various challenges and responsibilities that arise.

# Healthy Relationships # Parenting Strategies # Financial Independence # Julie Lythcott-Haims # Adaptability # Mistakes as Learning Opportunity

# transition-to-adulthoodRelated Episodes

# transition-to-adulthoodRelated Episodes

# Transition to AdulthoodThe process and challenges faced by young adults as they move from adolescence to independence, including social, educational, and emotional aspects.

# Transition to AdulthoodThe process of moving from teenage years into adulthood, encompassing the various challenges and responsibilities that arise.