Dr. Roni Cohen-Sandler, author of Anything But My Phone, Mom!, sheds light on how toxic tech use affects teens’ self-image. Plus, she doles out tricks for more productive tech talks with adolescents.If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review! Full show notesHave you ever tried taking your teen’s phone away? How did they respond? Did they scream? Cry? Bargain and beg for you to give it back? For many families, arguments over tech use are an exhaustingly repetitive part of everyday life. Devices can have plenty of benefits for teens, but can also be addictive and problematic! As a parent, it can be scary to feel like teens are ditching their homework for tik tok, talking to random strangers online, or running free all over social media.Helping teens create healthy tech habits is hard work–but not impossible! Surprisingly, it starts with encouraging teens to be themselves. Confident teens are less likely to hide behind screens, and more likely to immerse themselves in the real world. But how can we help teens create this confidence? That’s what we’re getting into this week!Our guest is Roni Cohen-Sandler, author of Anything But My Phone, Mom! Raising Emotionally Resilient Daughters in the Digital Age. Although Roni’s book focuses on young women, her years of experience working as a psychologist has taught her a lot about young adults of all genders! In her work, she’s found that technology is the number one point of contention between parents and teens. Today she’s revealing how we can talk to teens about tech and much more.In our interview, we’re talking about how technology can complicate kids’ sense of identity, and what we can do to help them feel secure in who they are. Roni gives us tips for striking up critical conversations with teens about their tech use, and explains how we can guide them toward enjoying their phones–in moderation.Social Media and Sense of SelfKnowing who you are at 16 is hard enough. Imagine having to curate a good-looking, smart, popular persona on social media! Kids these days are under a lot of pressure to seem cool or interesting online, says Roni. This can lead them to get a little lost on the road to self discovery. Many teens (and adults, for that matter) find themselves obsessed with finding validation online, she explains. It can be crushing for them when they don’t receive as many likes or followers as they hoped. And even when they do get the attention they’re striving for, it’s usually aimed at their online persona–and not the person they truly are.One of the first steps parents can take to combat this identity crisis is making sure teens feel validated at home, says Roni. When teens come to us with feelings about school, friends, or practice, Roni explains that validating those feelings can go a long way. Although teens might seem dramatic, it can do wonders for their self-esteem to meet them where they’re at. Roni explains that teens who don’t feel like they can express themselves authentically at home often turn to the outside world for approval–which can be harmful.In our interview, Roni and I also talk about the importance of making sure teens don’t feel stuck. When we’re investing time and money into kids’ piano lessons, soccer league or dance studio, it’s tempting to pigeonhole them into an identity. But sometimes fifteen year olds no longer want to pursue certain avenues any longer, and we’ve got to learn to be ok with it, says Roni. Although guiding kids towards a niche might make us feel more secure, it can lead them to feel trapped or held back as they grow and find their authentic selves.It’s one thing to talk to teens about self-identity, but what can we do when it’s time to have an honest talk with teens about what they’re doing online? Roni and I are discussing this in our interview.Having Tough Tech ConversationsSo you want to talk to your teen about tech use…but you don’t know where to start. Roni has some suggestions! In her opinion, it’s best to start with some questions about intent. What is your teen hoping to get out of Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat? Do they use it to talk to friends, to network? Once you’ve asked these questions, you’ve paved the way for a conversation about online boundaries and expectations. An example Roni uses is cyberbullying. If you’re worried your teen is being bullied online or bullying someone else, she suggests asking them where they draw the line between being funny to being mean. Your teens' answers might cause them to reflect on something they may have said on Twitter, or a comment left on their Instagram post.This reflection can be a lot more useful than simply taking your teens phone or computer away. Instead of just temporarily removing the problem, you can help them think twice about what they’re doing online, and practice better internet behavior. Plus, deploying productive talks instead of punitive measures can help teens feel like you’re working with them creating healthy tech limits, instead of against them.Beyond the dangers of social media, some teens simply find themselves obsessed with their devices, and won’t listen when you express your concerns! Roni and I are touching on how you can get teens to think critically about how much time they’re spending on their screens.How Teens Can Enjoy Tech In Moderation For teens to have a healthy relationship with technology, they’ve got to be able to self regulate. To help teens accomplish this, Roni recommends giving teens some autonomy with tech use, and checking in to see how they do. Can they put the screens down when it’s time to start homework? Do they spend time outside with friends instead of constantly playing match after match on Fortnite? These kinds of assessments can help you figure out if your teen has an obsessive relationship to tech, or if they seem to be striking a comfortable balance all on their own.If teens don’t appear to have balance, Roni says it’s time to step in. She compares this process to learning to drive or ride a bike. Parents can step in and monitor for a while, helping teens navigate the digital landscape, before taking off the training wheels and letting teens run free. Once teens can move through the world of YouTube and Tik Tok without getting dangerously sucked in, they can go at it alone, Roni explains.One thing Roni recommends is making sure your teens know what it feels like to be bored! Before kids had endless access to video games, television and social media, they had to entertain themselves by playing sports, or reading. Nowadays, kids don’t really get creative about pastimes, which Roni believes is a shame. If you can cultivate tech-free times that encourage kids to explore other activities, they might find themselves a cool new hobby or two!In the Episode..Taking on teen tech management is no easy task. That’s why it was such a treat to have Roni with us today! On top of the topics discussed above, we talk about:What to do when teens seem to quit everythingHow parents can use tech as a communication toolWhy kids need solitary time after schoolHow you can deescalate a heated conversationIf you want to check out more of Roni’s work, you can find her at

Christian Jarrett, author of Be Who You Want, brings us knowledge on the science of changing: what exactly can we change and how can we make changes stick. Plus, how to turn difficult personalities into successful ones. If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review! Full show notesIt’s hard to think of a group that gets labelled more than teenagers. Whether we declare them slackers, class clowns, popular kids or outcasts, it can be easy to put them in boxes based on their personalities! But have you ever considered that personalities aren’t as constant as you might think? Maybe teens’ personalities change with time as they grow or fluctuate depending on who they’re with or where they are. They might even have the power to intentionally change their own personalities if they put their minds to it.The debate over whether human personality is stable or fluid is one that reaches back through the history of psychology. Some scientists in the past believed that our personalities were set in stone by age thirty, while others believe there’s no such thing as a set personality at all! Are our personalities decided at birth, or are they decided by the events of our lives? Do we have a role in choosing our own personality or is it something that just happens to us?These are the kinds of questions we’re asking Christian Jarrett this week. He’s been a leading cognitive neuroscientist for two decades with work featured on the BBC, in Vice, Guardian, GQ and more! His book, Be Who You Want: Unlocking the Science of Personality Change, tackles commonly asked questions we all have about defining our personalities and changing ourselves for the better. He’s here to cover some of the most interesting points and give advice for parents of teens with rapidly changing personalities.In our interview, Christian explains why teens are especially vulnerable to personality change! We’re also covering the effects of social situations on teens’ personalities, and how you can help your teen use certain techniques to actively work towards being the person they want to be.Teens are Ripe for Personality ChangeWith their brains still developing and their minds impressionable, teens have a very high potential for personality change, says Christian. However, this can sometimes backfire! As Christian explains, there’s an interesting theory that attempts to break down teens’ personality development, called the disruptor hypothesis. According to this theory, although positive human personality growth is linear for the most part, our disposition actually regresses in the teenage years!What does this mean, exactly? Well, as we go through life, we find ourselves “improving” our personalities–that is, becoming more conscientious, kind, patient, or mellow.  But because teen’s brains and bodies are going through so many transitions, they tend to backslide a bit, becoming more prone to anger, neuroticism, or self-centeredness! Sound familiar? If your teen’s behavior is less than tolerable, this might just be a contributing factor.Luckily, there are ways you can help teens work through these rather undesirable personality traits–whether it be narcissism, grumpiness or chronic anxiety. In the episode, Christian shares certain techniques teens can practice to channel self-centeredness to serve the greater good. He also shares methods for teens to manage a tendency towards overwhelming worry or nerves. In these ways, teens are able to have control over their personality and the way they’re perceived by others!For teens thrust into the chaotic world of high school, social situations can be pretty intense. As a parent, you may have pretty regular concerns about the people your teen is hanging out with! In the episode, we’re talking about how friends can affect teens’ personalities.Why Social Groups are So InfluentialOne of the most effective ways teens can take control of their own personalities is by managing who they hang out with. By surrounding themselves with people who have positive, uplifting energies, Christian says teens can become more optimistic themselves. By reminding teens of this and helping them be intentional about who they're spending time with, you can help your teen become a happier person!Christian emphasizes the importance of helping teens think critically about the friends they choose to keep instead of making those decisions for them. In Christian’s work studying teen brain development, he’s found that when parents interject themselves so much into a teen's life that they’re removing obstacles, it dampens the teen’s ability to develop emotional resilience. Giving them the responsibility of choosing their own friends may seem small, but it can help as they go forward into adult life.Interestingly, research has found that although parents do have some influence over teens, it’s nothing compared to the influence of their peers. Christian explains how external forces have the largest effect on teen’s personality. When programs are set up to rehabilitate youth, they often fail because they rely on adult role models rather than peer influence, Christian says. If we want teens to become their best selves, it might be wise to encourage them to surround themselves with the right friends!Beyond guiding their social lives, there’s a lot parents can do to promote a positive personality change in a teen.Guiding Teens Towards Positive ChangeSince teen’s personalities are so fluid, there are ways we can push them towards uplifting changes! Christian explains how at this point in their lives, personality acts almost like a skill that can be improved with practice and a growth mindset. In fact, research has shown that when teens are given guidance and tutorials about how to deal with emotional setbacks, they’re less likely to beat themselves up or be self deprecating, instead showing resilience and optimism.One thing Christian and I talk about is goal setting. He explains how humans actually don’t have very reliable will power, so this is something you might want to take steps to help your teen develop. Teaching them to remove temptations or plan ahead can be really positive steps in the right direction. Say their goal is to go to the gym every week, but they can’t seem to get themselves out of bed. Christian suggests they take the effort to plan out a reward for themselves after their workout, so they’ll be motivated to go.In addition to pursuing goals, Christian encourages teens to question their goals. Is this goal causing them too much stress? How does it make them feel about themselves? Teens can often feel stuck in dead ends, so it can be good to slow them down and turn them around before they get there. Christian explains how much harder it is for teens to make changes when there’s no real motivation behind it. If they’re doing it just to do it, they might not ever get there. If they really want to become a better person, then Christian believes it’s absolutely possible.In the Episode...On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:Why male and female personality development is differentHow alcohol and marijuana affect personalityWhy teens should learn to name their emotionsHow to help a narcissistic teenThanks for listening! If you want to find more of Christian’s work you can visit his website, Christianjarret.com, where there’s...

Andrew Reiner, author of Better Boys, Better Men, explains the new rigid rules for boys and how we can help our emerging men feel secure in a masculine identity. Plus, tips on how to build emotional resilience in our male teens. If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review! Full show notesWe’re all familiar with the term “boys will be boys.” It’s often used when guys are physical, detached, aggressive, and violent. making it seem as though these behaviors are the norm. Much of society acts as though these traditionally “masculine” tendencies are simply intrinsic to male DNA...which can make us feel like there’s nothing we can do when our sons get into trouble for it.But what if there was a way we could talk to our boys to help them realize that this behavior is not the only option? What if we could show them that, by slowing down and thinking about the situation at hand, they may find it wiser to simply keep the peace instead of causing a ruckus? This week, we’re revealing how you can sit down with your son and prevent all the brawling before it starts, or get through to a teen boy who’s masculinity might need a makeover.Our guest is Andrew Reiner, author of Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity That Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency. Andrew is a professor at Towson University, where he teaches a seminar entitled “The Changing Face of Masculinity.” His work has been featured in the New York Times, the Washington Post, NPR and more. He speaks at schools and conferences around the globe...but today he’s sitting down to speak with us!Andrew and I are discussing why it is that boys are compelled to react with violence or aggression when triggered. We’re also diving deep into the importance of vulnerability, and how we can help our sons accumulate a supportive community where they can express their emotions without fear.Taming Toxic MasculinityAlthough we often think that unruly behavior is rooted in male biology, Andrew argues the contrary. As he says in the episode, male and female brains are almost 98% identical– in his eyes, it's our cultural norms and societal pressures that push boys in the direction of violence. That means that if we take the right steps, we as parents could create a generation of men who don’t feel like they have to fight their way through life! But how can we help topple this toxic masculine mentality? To start, Andrew explains that we have to get to the bottom of where aggressive male tendencies originate. He believes it all begins with the way we teach boys, in subtle ways, that they can’t be weak or vulnerable. Then, when someone calls them a name, cuts them off in traffic, or bumps into them in a crowd-making them feel weak–they don’t know what to do but feel ashamed! This shame provokes them to want to get the upper hand, to handle the conflict with aggression, says Andrew. If we want to free our boys from letting shame control their lives, the first step is to have an intentional conversation, Andrew explains. It might help to remind them that when another guy insults them, or tries to rile them up...it’s not personal. Whatever's going on with that guy is not their problem! They don’t have to feel any shame–and letting them know that can make all the difference, says Andrew. If we can help them see that their strength or dignity isn’t on the line just because someone else wants to ruffle their feathers, they’ll be able to keep the peace instead of throwing fists.Now, getting guys comfortable with vulnerability is a lot easier said than done. Andrew and I give some tips in this week’s episode to help boys feel at home with their own emotions.Making Vulnerability ViableHaving been raised to believe they have to live up to society’s toxic masculinity standards, many young men struggle with vulnerability. They’ve been taught to associate it with weakness! It’s not always easy to help them change their way of thinking and become open to being open. However, encouraging our sons to both process and express their emotions can help them be much happier and healthier. Plus, it might even save their lives–many young men are ashamed of feeling anxious or depressed and don’t reach out for help, causing suicide rates among them to rise in recent years.Interestingly, Andrew points out that humans cannot compartmentalize our feelings. If we repress the negative ones, we’ll also repress the positive ones, says. This keeps a lot of our boys, who feel they can’t have intense feelings, from displaying their sadness, but also their joy! Andrew and I talk about how young men often take cues from the media, the same media which shames prominent men for exhibiting deep sadness or happiness. If we want our boys to believe they can feel freely, it might be wise to encourage them to think critically about the dialogue they see about men online and in the news.Andrew advises talking to your son through the physical and spiritual effects of emotions. Why do certain things make them angry while others make them want to jump up and down with excitement? Helping them understand and communicate the way they feel can be a great start to free emotional expression. Although it may seem odd,  Andrew actually suggests that boys talk to themselves about their feelings! Sometimes, it’s the only way they feel safe to start talking things through at all!Whether or not they’re working through things on their own, having a supportive community can help. Andrew and I talk in the episode about how you can help your son build up a safe network and share what he’s going through.Creating a Safe CommunityWhen we think of a group of young men who hang out regularly, we might think of a sports team, or even a group of boys who play video games together. Although these can be good sources of community for young men, Andrew talks about how there are often some elements of misogyny among these groups, or even an atmosphere of toxic competitiveness that pits guys against each other. Behaviors like trash-talking or one-upping each other are pretty common among these communities.Oftentimes, this leads men to turn towards women or girls for deeper emotional support, whether that be a female friend, girlfriend, or a woman in their family. And while this can be helpful, Andrew emphasizes the astronomical comfort men can find from friendship with other men! Even when men have one or two close companions, they often don't feel a deep level of trust with them. If we want our boys to live emotionally healthy lives, encouraging them to be vulnerable with other guys their age can be a good way to start.As Andrew says in the episode, the script for how boys are supposed to look, act, and feel is stricter than ever. It’s no wonder our sons feel the need to act out–they aren’t being taught to handle it all! Luckily, with Andrew’s advice, we can change that.In the Episode….Andrew has a lot of unique ideas about how we can transform visions of masculinity in our society. In addition to the topics mentioned above, we also discuss:Why boys are so worried about “social perfectionism”How most male prisoners have one essential thing in commonWhy testosterone behaves differently than commonly believedHow you can help your son feel comfortable opening upI really enjoyed my chat with Andrew and it definitely made me think...

Dr. Michael Gurian, author of Saving Our Sons, The Stone Boys, and 20+ books, joins us for a riveting discussion on the hidden ways in which our institutions and communication hurts boys. Not all is lost: there are plenty of ways we can help boys grow into emotionally resilient and thriving men! If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review! Full show notesIn today’s culture, it may seem like the conversation around emotional wellbeing has moved on from solely focusing on women and girls. Yet, we rarely address the emotional wellbeing of boys and men in our cultural institutions like school, work, the family structure, or in our government’s policies. Whether it’s responding to a failed math exam, dealing with a breakup, managing an avalanche of responsibilities while entering adulthood, or dealing with trauma, we need to develop a system that helps boys process their emotions. Luckily, that’s exactly what I talk about in this week’s Talking to Teens podcast episode with psychologist and family counselor, Dr. Michael Gurian.Dr. Gurian has authored well over 20 books on adolescents, young adult males and females, and all kinds of topics relating to growing up and becoming an adult in the world we’re living in today. For more than 20 years Dr. Gurian has been helping young adults deal with trauma. In 1996, he founded the Gurian Institute, a program committed to helping boys and girls by providing counseling, professional development, and parent-teacher involvement for young students’ growth in education, making him the perfect person to talk to about helping young boys process their emotions and trauma.In the episode, our conversation centers around the tactics that parents can use to help teen boys process their emotions and trauma through two of Dr. Gurian’s books about this subject: Saving Our Sons: A New Path for Raising Healthy and Resilient Boys and The Stone Boys. The first is a myth-busting book for the whole family that can help parents and teens understand the latest research in male emotional intelligence, male motivation development, and the effects of neurotoxicity on the brain. The second is a novel that illustrates much of the information covered in the former.Dr. Gurian’s informed approach in both of these books can help parents use them as a conduit for opening their teen to tough conversations about their emotional and mental wellbeing. In the podcast, Dr. Gurian lets us in on his approach and sheds some light on some common questions that parents might have about helping their boys process emotions.So, what are the consequences of ignoring boys’ emotional wellbeing? Well, according to Dr. Gurian, the misconception that boys don’t need to worry about mental health and emotion because many of them take up positions of power in the workplace--occupying roles such as business owners, CEOs, or even the President of the United States--has led to a mental health epidemic. This crisis can be seen in some surprising statistics about gender differences in mental health:For every hundred girls to repeat kindergarten, 194 boys repeat kindergarten.For every 100 girls suspended from public elementary and secondary schools, 215 boys are suspended.For every hundred girls expelled from school, 297 boys are expelled.For every 100 girls aged 15-19-years-old who pass away, there are 242 boys who don’t live past the same age range.It’s no coincidence that these statistics reflect a clear gendered problem when it comes to mental health and performance in our society’s institutions. Dr. Gurian says that we’re creating a system of nurturing in schools, family structures, government policy, and the workplace that doesn't account for how the male brain processes emotion. If we don’t respond to this crisis, boys will grow up without the skills to effectively process their emotions and cope with trauma as they develop through school, the workforce, and their relationships. Luckily, Dr. Gurian walks me through some actionable steps that parents can take to help their boys work through these problems.While you’ll have to listen to the entire podcast to hear about Dr. Gurian’s extensive approach to communicating with boys, here are three primary actions parents can take:Teach boys how to listen first and process their emotions before attempting to problem-solveManage your expectations as a parent around how boys express their emotionsKeep an eye out for common signs of trauma and learn how to approach your teen about themFollowing through on these steps can help you communicate with your teen boy(s) about their feelings and help them work through trauma. During the podcast, Michael walked me through these steps and how parents can better understand boys’ emotions and mentality.Meet Boys At Problem-SolvingAccording to Dr. Gurian, one of the main differences between the male and female brain structure that is responsible for why it may be more difficult for boys to process their emotions is what we call the “sensory register.” The sensory register is processer in the brain that filters all our sensory experiences—like sound, sight, touch, taste, and smell—into emotional responses. It’s basically responsible for how we process the world through our emotions, and apparently, the sensory register impacts how females and males respond differently:For females, there are seven to nine centers in the brain that are engaged when filtering senses. This means that when the world is giving them emotional cues through the sensory register, they’re engaging more parts of their brain that help them calculate and reflect for an informed response.For males, however, there are only two centers in the brain that contribute to this process. This means that less of their brains are engaged when boys convert what happens in the world through their emotive responses. This can make it more difficult for boys to process their emotions and make a calculated response.More importantly, the parts of the brain that are engaged when males process their emotions aren’t as connected to verbal centers as in females. This means two things for how boys respond to emotional trauma: 1. Their first instinct won’t be to communicate or vocalize their wellbeing, and 2. Their first instinct will move more directly toward problem solving. At first, this might seem like a positive response. Trying to problem solve is proactive so it must be a good thing, right?Upon closer inspection, trying to problem solve without carefully acknowledging and reflecting on our emotional status can lead to confusing or even destructive results. If boys try to deal with difficulties by muting their emotional response, they won’t know how to adequately differentiate what’s going on in the world outside themselves from what’s going on inside. For example, if your child fails a homework assignment or underperforms at a sporting event, they might blame themselves or look for a quick response to quiet feelings of disappointment or sadness. This can result in hasty decision-making that doesn’t produce the best result and they won’t be able to adequately address two distinctly different problems.To curb this behavior, Dr. Gurian suggests talking with boys about noticing these tendencies and making them aware of this phenomenon. That way, when their sensory register isn’t ...

Vulcan's Glory. With the exception of the glimpses we see in "The Cage" and "The Menagerie," not much is known about Spock's early days aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise, or the crew that he served: Captain Christopher Pike and his stalwart first officer Number One. Now that Star Trek: Discovery is exploring this time period and these characters, we feel the time has come to look at some of the books that chronicled Pike's captaincy, starting with one authored by a true veteran of Star Trek writing. In this episode of Literary Treks, hosts Bruce Gibson and Dan Gunther talk about Vulcan's Glory, written by Original Series writer Dorothy "D.C." Fontana. We discuss the references to past Star Trek such as The Animated Series, the crew of the Enterprise under Pike's command, how well we feel this connects to Star Trek: Discovery, the historical artifact known as "Vulcan's Glory," Pike's mission to the devastated planet Areta, a mysterious murder plot aboard the Enterprise, Scotty and his engine room hooch, and wrap up with our final thoughts and ratings. At the top of the show, Bruce and Dan review the final issue of IDW's Star Trek vs. Transformers and respond to feedback from The Babel Conference about Literary Treks 259: He's Gotta Grow Some and Just Do It. News Star Trek vs. Transformers #5 review (00:03:39) Listener Feedback (00:16:09) Feature: Vulcan's Glory 30th Anniversary (00:22:37) Yesteryear (00:28:02) First Pike Novel (00:33:15) Number One of Illyria (00:36:16) Picturing TOS and DSC (00:43:22) Historical Artifact (00:49:01) Family Squabbles on Areta (00:53:35) The Hunt for Glory (01:01:59) Spock's Love Interest (01:09:44) Engine Room Hooch (01:14:04) Ratings (01:18:33) Final Thoughts (01:23:24) Hosts Dan Gunther and Bruce Gibson Production Bruce Gibson (Editor and Producer) Dan Gunther (Producer) C Bryan Jones (Executive Producer) Ken Tripp (Executive Producer) Matthew Rushing (Executive Producer) Richard Marquez (Production Manager) Brandon-Shea Mutala (Patreon Manager) Ken Tripp (Associate Producer) Brandon-Shea Mutala (Associate Producer) Justin Oser (Associate Producer) Norman C. Lao (Associate Producer) Greg Rozier (Associate Producer) Jeffery Harlan (Associate Producer)

Amy Morin, bestselling author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do, and a leading expert on how to instill grit and emotional strength in children, discusses lessons she learned from her years as a foster parent to dozens of children and as a psychologist who helps families through difficult transitions.If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review! Full show notesAt some point your child may have to deal with the sudden loss of a job, or a friend, or even you or your spouse. If your kid isn’t prepared to deal with fear and other hard emotions in life, these big events can be devastating. Being unable to deal with hardship can lead to addictive and self-destructive behaviors. How do you prepare your kids for the hardest moments in life?Some hardships in life you just can’t predict, but there are still steps you can take to prepare. Your teen doesn’t know when a grandparent is going to be diagnosed with an illness, but you can teach your teen about resilience through a mental toughness activity. More often than not, teaching your kid mental toughness is knowing when to role model, and when to step back and let them learn on their own. It’s a fine line!To help understand what actions parents can take to help their child with mental toughness, I spoke with Amy Morin. Amy is one of the world’s leading experts on mental strength, and she is all about practical advice. Her TED Talk has over 13 million views and is one of the 30 most popular talks of all time. It sheds light on what a true mental toughness activity looks like. She is a foster parent with incredible stories about resilience, and the author of the international bestseller, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do.On this episode I got to talk to her about her new book, 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do. (Yes, Parents, specifically.)At this point, some of you might be asking, “Wait, I thought this was about mental strength for kids?”Teenage Resistance to Behavior ModificationIt’s true, Amy wrote this book because one of the top questions she got from the first was, “What’s a mental toughness activity for kids that actually works?”Amy agrees that this is a valid question. Kids don’t go to kindergarten and first grade to learn a mental toughness activity, but they are immediately swamped with homework and the fear of messing up.Kids need to learn cognitive social skills earlier. Studies show that kids in college feel academically prepared, but lack the social and emotional skills to deal with stress, loneliness, and other new life problems. If school isn’t teaching a mental toughness activity at all, parents are left responsible for teaching kids resilience. This is okay!Amy points out that, as a parent, you probably know your kid’s tendencies better than anyone. This also means that your kid is aware of your tendencies as a parent. When children enter the teen years, they are sensitively tuned into the ways you might try to modify their behavior and often pull away. It’s going to be tricky to teach a mental toughness activity (or any life lesson) if they’re trying to differentiate from you.Studies show the need for teenage autonomy peaks at 14. Having autonomy means grasping for your own authority. It can be threatening for parents when their household authority is questioned by teens in a power struggle. How do you keep control when your teenager is pushing back more and more?Amy says it’s important for a parent to show they’re in charge, but that they value their kid’s opinion. Ultimately, teenage pushback is going to ruffle your feathers, but if you can keep your cool and your values, it can be an opportunity to role model mental toughness. Amy believes that modeling values is an effective, albeit subliminal, mental toughness activity.Role Modeling ValuesWhy is mental toughness so hard to teach to a teenager?Bad situations are opportunities to make a good choice as a parent. How you respond to negative situations communicates your values. You just have to clarify what life lesson you’re trying to impart. This isn’t always easy!Amy gives an example of a dad who told his son to clean up his toys before the rain came or he would throw them out. The son disobeyed the dad, and the toys got rained on. Now the dad had to decide whether or not he would go forward on his word. He didn’t want to throw his son’s toys out, but he also didn’t want to have to apologize to his son for saying something he didn’t mean.Amy firmly believes, though, that if you underscore the life lesson you want to teach, you will know what you have to do. Parents shouldn’t be afraid to apologize to their kids.If parents can role model overcoming fear of apologizing to their children, it will be a lot easier to teach teens to overcome fear when they encounter it. If teens see you facing your fear, they’ll be a little bit more receptive when you try to engage them in a mental toughness activity.Teaching Teens to Tolerate FearTeaching your kid a mental toughness activity to tolerate fear will help them grow in resilience, and be more prepared for stressful situations as an adult.You might think that teens have no fear. They’re trying drugs and driving cars too fast, but they are still scared to do things like give a presentation or admit their mistakes.You might think you’re doing them a favor by saying,“It’s not a big deal.”“That presentation will be over before you know it. Don’t even worry about it.”But minimizing teens’ fears doesn’t help them learn about overcoming obstacles!Amy says a conversation can help so much. Asking a teen about his or her worries shows that fear isn’t something to be minimized, but something that they need to go through. When you are validating your teen’s fears and giving them your attention, you will find the opportunity to teach him or her a mental toughness activity. Amy even offers some examples of healthy ways teens can cope with their discomfort.Takeaways for Parents!When the hardest days in life happen, facing your emotions can be terrifying. Amy has learned from painful life experiences that you should not let fear stop you.There’s no one mental toughness activity that can fully prepare a person for grief and loss, but there are tools and strategies that you can give your kids for when that day comes. Sometimes, you might find a mental toughness activity that your teen eagerly adopts. Other times the best you can do is be a role model! Either way, every teen is different and needs their own mental toughness activity that works for them. Thankfully, Amy knows what she’s talking about and has a lot that she’s willing to share. Other topics we discuss in this interview include:Why kids need to be bored sometimesLetting your kid learn how to fail“Speak Up or Shut Up” - the art of walking this fine lineYour kid with authoritiesHow to set good rules in the houseShared journalingParents on learning tech savvinessThe effects of social media on teensPower struggles in the houseCompetitio...