One of the most universal comments I’ve heard from many of my clients is, “I don’t know what my life’s going to look like after…my kid leaves home… or because of this or that circumstance."  In truth, we don’t ever know what our life is going to look like. But our minds like to be certain. They like to be able to predict the future so that we can either relax or prepare for the worst. While we can beat ourselves up for looking into the future with dread, as if there's something wrong with us for this. But in this mindset trap, I explore how this trap is perfectly normal...and also how you can get yourself out of this trap.

I'm back with another episode on the mindset traps we face as moms with teens, as we approach the empty nest. This week, I tackle "labeling".  This trap refers to our brains subconscious tendency to want to assign a simple, generalized judgment to describe characteristics of personality or behavior. On the face of it, it doesn't seem like a huge problem until we explore the unintended consequences. Words do matter. Join me as I explore how. 

We often think "being present" means that we are able to cultivate a sense of peace and happiness in our lives. As much as we might want to be present, particularly during the holidays, this can be much harder than it seems.  Last week, I explored the concept of holiday ambivalence - both loving and hating the holidays - and how this creates, rather than peace, a conflict in our mind as we beat ourselves up for not being more grateful and happy. I invited you to accept this concept of ambivalence and try to see what it might have to teach you. In this episode, I share the many emotions being present with my ambivalence - the love and hate of the holidays -  gave me the opportunity to learn and experience.

When I think about holidays, I feel, on the one hand, an incredible sense of excitement and joy just by thinking about the celebratory days ahead…but I also feel a sense of overwhelm, and if I’m honest, sometimes a little dread. I often try to approach these special times by reminding myself that I want to “stay present”…enjoy every precious moment. But somehow, every year, I get sucked in by the overwhelm, dread, frustration, and honestly a little disappointment that I wasn’t able to stay present through it all.  So I thought it might be helpful to dedicate a podcast or two on the topic of “being present”, and why it's hard for us to do.

In the span of one weekend, I went on college admissions tours at two schools with my youngest, who is a junior in high school, and then I went to Parents Weekend to visit my oldest, who is a freshman in college. These moments with our kids can carry so much emotion - pride, joy, and excitement mixed with anxiety, sadness, dread and insecurity. Join me as I reflect on my college visits - both this time and back when my oldest was going through the process - and how much I have grown and learned through the process.

Emotional reasoning is when we use our feelings as evidence that there’s a problem. I actually think this mindset trap is one of the most insidious thought errors we can fall into. Unlike some of the others that I’ve been exploring in this series on mindset traps we fall into as moms of teens as we approach the empty nest, this is a trap we don’t hear much about. When we engage in emotional reasoning, the reason this is such a challenging trap is that we often think we're just observing the truth.  I feel something, and therefore I think that must mean that those feelings are based on some objective reality…something true out it in the world. Join me as I explore different ways this trap plays out in our lives.

Becoming a mother has been the most important role that I’ve ever taken on. The importance and worthiness of caring for these humans being has eclipsed every other priority of my life. Being a mother has become my “identity.” But even when we have strong relationships with our kids, it’s normal for them to want to pull away as they approach college. Their desire for independence and autonomy is a normal part of the developmental process. So here we are, as moms…facing an identity crisis. And this can come up for us well before our kids leave for college as we navigate the transitions from caregiver to cop and then coach and consultant. Listen in to learn more about this mindset trap.

I'm excited to welcome Ali Flynn, founder of Hang in There, Mama, to the Small Jar Podcast this week. Ali and I share a mission of wanting to support women as they manage the ever-evolving relationship they have with their teens, and themselves, as their kids grow up. We approached this conversation from a place of curiosity, wanting to explore the different ways we have approached raising our kids - Ali a mother a four girls and me a mom of two boys. Our goal is not to provide advice, but rather an insight into how gender has played into our mindset as we have navigated challenging issues in raising teens like body image, friendships, and sex. I'll return to the series on Mindset Traps of Moms of Teens and Empty Nesters next week!

I’ve been exploring this series on mindset traps, and I bet you didn’t know that “guilt” was one of them. Let’s be honest, if there was a state of being that many of us moms face, it’s the state of feeling guilty. The technical term for the trap I’m exploring today is called “personalization.” Now I’ve titled this trap “guilt” for simplicity, because I am quite sure many of us identify with that word much more easily than the word “personalization”, which is the thought error, or the thinking pattern or lens, that has us attributing circumstances of our lives to ourselves in a way that creates feelings of guilt, self-blame and responsibility. Join me as we explore this trap.

There are some among us who would call ourselves “perfectionists” and maybe others of us who wouldn’t. But what do you think the oppositive of being a perfectionist is? Have you ever thought about that?  In this episode, we explore the mindset trap of perfectionism and how it relates to our lives as moms with teens as we approach the empty nest. Here's a teaser - did you know that perfectionism actually gives us the illusion of safety. Listen to learn more.

"All-or-nothing thinking" is a mindset trap where we can view situations in extremes. For example we think things are entirely good, or entirely bad, with no middle ground. Now, you can imagine why this type of thinking isn’t always helpful, but as with the other mindset traps, I actually think it’s more important to recognize WHY our brains engage in this type of thinking in the first place. Because again, as with the other traps, it’s perfectly normal that our brains do this. Let's continue our exploration of common mindset traps of life with teens and the empty nest!

We are hard-wired we are to compare ourselves to others. We don't like to admit it, because we think judging others is "bad", and we know it doesn’t feel good when others are judging us. But the reality is that this activity of our brain is subconscious and automatic. In fact, like the other mindset traps I've been exploring in this series, the "comparison trap" is our brain's way of keeping us safe and comfortable. But if we allow our brain to fall into this trap without supervision, we can create resentment and frustration all in the name of avoiding rejection or the risk of disappointing others. Join me in this episode and others in this mindset trap series and I explore how to get out of these traps.

Over the past few episodes of the Small Jar podcast, we have bene exploring the mindset traps of life with teens and the empty nest. We've covered confirmation bias and catastrophizing.  This week, we explore validation seeking, or looking for external validation, approval, or recognition from others.  Feeling good when others give us love or praise is natural. The question we include in this episode is why do we sometimes feel like we need this external validation in order to feel what we really want to feel.

This is the second in a new series on the Small Jar Podcast about the mindset traps that keep us stuck in anxiety, sadness, and an inability to move forward. In this episode, I explore the trap of catastrophizing, or ruminating in the worst case scenario. While this mindset trap keeps us cycling in worry, there are reasons that our minds engage in this type of thinking. The key to overcoming catastrophizing is to understand how it helps us, and how it does not.

Mindset traps are available to all of us, at all stages of our lives. But for those of us navigating life with teens and the transition to the empty nest, we can fall prey to these traps in a way that keeps us stuck in anxiety, sadness, and an inability to move forward. In this episode, I explore the trap of confirmation bias, and how this tendency of our brains to reinforce our own view of the world can create results that are the opposite of what we really want. This is the first in a new series that I will be rolling out over the next few months.

Have you heard the statistic that by the time your child is 18 that you'll have spent 90% of the time that you'll ever spend with them in your life?  This is the kind of information that can not only cause us to think that we've wasted some of the most precious years of our kids' lives, but also make us think that we have very little time left. Cue regret, sadness and anxiety! In this episode I explore a different perspective on time, and how to embrace the remaining "10%". 

Have you ever stopped to think about how you define your success as a mom? What does success look like to you?  And how do you measure it?  Whether you realize it or not, you have in your mind a vision for success, and your mind is constantly evaluating whether or not you meet the mark. In this episode, we explore how to take ownership of this vision so that we are not only intentional about what we want for ourselves as moms and for our kids, but also so we can find compassion and love for ourselves in the process.

I was honored to have author, influencer, connector and founder of Moms of Bigs, Esther Joy Goetz join me to talk about the lifelong journey of being a mom and how to create a lifelong connection with your children. Esther's motte is to "give our BIG KIDS (teens and young adults) the roots of love and the wings of freedom to be completely themselves." In our conversation, we explored how to do this, but even more, how to find love and compassion for ourselves in the process. Motherhood is hard, and none of us get it right all of the time. But how can you create the mindset to achieve a relationship with your children that "invites not demands" and so that we as moms are no longer "responsible for" but "responsible to" our children. Follow Esther @momsofbigs and www.estherjoygoetz.com.

As women, as moms, we're really hard on ourselves. Like...so hard. There are so many ways we talk down to ourselves, and we're so used to it that we don't even realize we're doing it any more. But it can also feel like letting ourselves off the hook and giving ourselves some grace feels like giving up.  This is particularly true when it comes to what we want for our kids and how hard we're willing to fight to help them be happy, healthy and successful. In this episode, I explore why it's so hard to just let ourselves off the hook...and one way you can learn to do exactly that....without giving up or letting anyone down.

College move-in day is looming and so many of us moms are feeling sad, and beating ourselves up for it.  In this episode, I explore the shame we can feel as we compare the way we are handling this transition as we compare ourselves to other moms. Our emotional experience is entirely valid based on our own unique perspective. But that emotional experience also impacts how we show up. And in this moment as both we and our children face once of the biggest transitions of our lives, we have the opportunity to decide on purpose how we want to show up for our children and ourselves.

Join me for a sneak peak into one of Small Jar's recent Group Coaching Workshops, where we explore the topic of relationships, particularly the dream relationship we want with our teenager. In coaching, almost any topic we explore often comes down to relationships...those we have with others, and also the one we have with ourselves. In this episode, I have omitted the individual coaching to respect the privacy of those brave enough to get coached in front of the group, but this episode includes the opening workshop and Q&A. Subscribe to Small Jar on www.thesmalljar.com to get invitations to attend future group calls (for free!).

Just telling yourself to think happy thoughts just doesn't work. How many times has a well-meaning friend tried to offer you a different perspective on a problem and you’ve felt completely frustrated or discounted.  Look, if it was so easy to just change our minds, then we would all be walking around feeling happy all the time, right?  But that’s just not reality. In this episode, I explore the alternative to just thinking happy thoughts if you really want to find peace.

When our kids are leaving the nest, it seems so obvious that the solution is to find new purpose.  But the real problem isn’t that we can’t find purpose, it’s that we’re afraid of being alone with ourselves. We think that we can’t find joy or purpose without something outside of us to create it for us. I want to invite you to consider that the most important purpose you have right now is to create a deeper relationship with yourself…one where you don’t need anything outside of yourself to create happiness, peace and purpose. 

As moms, we want our kids to be happy, safe and successful. And we are willing to do anything and everything we can to help them achieve this. Only, during the teen years, these goals seem next to impossible to accomplish sometimes. We're left feeling angry and anxious. In this episode, I explore how to get what you really want.

When we think about purpose, we so often think about doing something.  After being busy parents for so long, it might seem like the biggest challenge we face after our kids leave is figuring out how to fill our time. Similar to the reason some of us might have chosen to become parents in the first place—we don’t want to feel bored…or guilty that we’re not doing something meaningful or important. In this episode, I explore what it might really look like to redefine our purpose.

There are some feelings we don't want to feel so much we can find ourselves eating, drinking and distracting ourselves just to feel better. For me, resentment is one of those emotions. In this episode, I explore the many reasons we moms can feel resentment...and how to let it go.

They leave...and then they come back!  Sometimes for the summer, but increasingly they return home after college graduation, or stay after high school graduation. As much as we love our kids, and as hard as it is when they leave, it can be challenging for many reasons when they come home. In this episode, we explore why having our kids back in the nest is so hard.

We desperately want a positive relationship with our teens, but when we think that our relationship is challenging and not what it used to be….this brings us so much pain. We try everything to fix the relationship, repair our communication with them….resolve the conflict…get them to listen!  We just want to feel close to them again. We want them to be safe and move in the right direction.  Everything we want….we KNOW it’s for their own good. They’ll be happier if only… And so it’s interesting to notice that what we want more than anything is to re-build a strong, connected relationship with our kids. We’re motivated. We want this.  AND, we know how to communicate with other people in our life. SO WHY is it so challenging? In this episode we explore how to approach the situation from a different perspective.

This is it. Graduation Day. A day that brings so much celebration and promise...but also a day that brings us moms nostalgia, fear, regret, sadness...In this episode I work through my own emotions as I prepare to celebrate my own son's graduation. Join me in venturing into a world of endless possibilities.

Everyone is WORTHY. Period. Everyone is valuable. Period. And everyone deserves to have support when they need it. The people we love mean well, but they have their own opinions about what we should do. Sometimes what we need is an unbiased, listening ear, who can help us see the truth inside ourselves that we can't see. In this episode, I explore the ways life coaching and therapy can help us find peace and our own truth. Your well-being is priceless. And your life is waiting for you to live it. You can't afford to miss it.

Mother's Day is fraught with the potential for disappointed expectations. So in this episode I explore how we can guarantee all of our dreams come true...that we feel love, appreciation, and respect. To do this, I write a letter to my 25-year-old self, and learn that many of the things I would tell her, I needed to hear myself. There are a few other letters I'd love to send and receive, so I've shared them with you here. My love letter to all of you moms. Happy Mother's Day.

We often think we have a hard time setting boundaries because other people don't follow them. But boundaries are not rules. In fact, boundaries have much more to do with us than with anyone else. In this episode we explore how to set boundaries with our teens, others in our lives, and even more powerfully, with and for ourselves.

Any long-term partnership, particularly ones that involves co-parenting children, experiences better and worse, probably richer and poorer, and most definitely sickness and health. We've been through a lot in the past 20+ years with our partners, but statistically that doesn't mean we're safe from divorce. So in this episode, I explore the root cause of why we can find we're drifting apart, and how to access those feelings of love and appreciation we are all looking for in our relationships.

There are so many reasons why the college process is hard for our kids….and, if we're honest...for us as parents. The time we have left with our kids at home is short. How do you want to show up for your child, and yourself, through this process without letting go of your hopes and dreams for them or your sense of responsibility as a parent to do everything you can to support them?

Bullies are everywhere.  Bullies we don't know. Bullies we know...even that we love. And possibly worst of all...the bully we are to ourselves. We will never be able to change all of the bullies in the world, but you NEVER have to let yourself be bullied again. 

“I have so much to do.” “I wish I had more time.” The concept of “doing jail” is that you are STUCK DOING.  In this episode we explore our "need" to do and why it is such a driving force for us. And also that we can feel a discomfort of NOT doing. Join me to learn how to break out of doing jail.

Let's face it, sometimes we get mad.  But sometimes as moms, we hold ourselves to a ridiculous standard: that we shouldn't get mad.  How often have you beat yourself up for getting mad.  Or bottled the feeling up, because you didn't want to react. But let's question this for a moment....what if we should be mad?

They say people pleasing behavior often stems from instability in a relationship.  And as our kids grow up and seek independence, instability seems inevitable. But what hasn't changed is that we want our kids to be happy, so we do everything in our power to try to make our kids happy....only, it doesn't seem to work a lot of the time.  So the question for us as moms is: do we keep putting our own happiness on hold until our kids perform their happiness so that we can give ourselves permission to be happy? 

We have these precious moments—days, months, years—left with our children at home and we’re gritting our teeth. In this episode, I share that the most transformative lesson that I have learned during this journey of motherhood is about who I am and the lens that I use to interpret the circumstances of my life. I invite you to consider that it's possible to re-write this narrative, so that you can show up exactly as you want to, both for your child and yourself.

Anxiety feels like an inevitable part of raising teens. They are pulling away, and we're losing control. We're losing our ability to help keep them safe, healthy and to ensure they reach their full potential. In this episode we explore how to manage this challenging emotion, and to build compassion for both our children and ourselves as we navigate this transition.

You have 100....days or weeks to graduation...hours that they come home to visit. This is it.  In this episode we explore the reason why it's really so hard to let go.

There are so many reasons why parenting feels hard. For each of our children...each of our families, the reasons we may list are different. But there is actually one reason that is common to all of us, and it's not what you think.

Feeling unconditional love--it's easier said than done. We tend to think about loving our children unconditionally...but if we're honest with ourselves, while we know in our hearts we will always love our children, sometimes our expectations of our children lead us to show up in ways that might make our children question whether, in fact, our love is conditional.  So if it's hard to deliver on unconditional love for our kids, it seems impossible to maintain unconditional love--love without expectation--for our partners...and ourselves.  Join me in exploring the concept of unconditional love--and how you can have it without dropping your expectations.

Join me in this episode as I explore a topic we're often not comfortable talking about. The thought of our kids finding love is lovely...until it isn't. Heartache. Heartbreak. Sex. Safety. Consequences. So much about our teen's love life can bring up really uncomfortable feelings for us as moms. The anxiety and fears about the worse case scenarios. The frustration that our kids may not be listening to us. But it's interesting to consider that we can often spend so much time worrying about our kid's relationships, that we lose sight of our own relationship with them, and how we want to show up as moms. 

Every goal, requires you to make a decision. But there are many reasons that keep us from making decisions....fear of failure...fear of discomfort...the responsibility we feel for our families. So we often stay stuck, because it feels safer to not take big risks than to risk failure or negatively impacting those we love.  In this episode we explore the factors underlying our decision to stay stuck...because not making a decision, is a decision.

This is a very personal episode for me. Join me as I share my journey with breaking my wine habit. It was something that I had struggled with for a long time. I knew I wasn't an alcoholic, but somehow felt completely unable to not pour a glass (or two) of wine at the end of the night. I tried everything, without success...until I discovered life coaching and everything changed--not just with my wine habit, but with so much more. 

As moms, we feel so much pressure to help our kids... We feel responsible. To help them succeed. To make them happy. We are overwhelmed with "shoulds" and "have tos".  There is no end to the worry....the guilt.  In this episode, we explore how to relieve mom guilt, and open up a new world of possibility to create the results we want.

As mothers navigating the transition to the empty nest, many of just want to feel better in our lives. One of the reasons many of us don’t even bother setting big goals for ourselves is that we feel stuck in some kind of pain, and so this negative emotional experience crowds out dreaming or goal-setting. In this episode, we explore how to take control of our emotional life, and that when we learn to consciously decide, on purpose, how we want to think and feel about our lives…that’s the beginning of a whole new realm of possibility.