John, LB and Niki gather here today to pay tribute to one of the best/worst websites of all time, Twitter dot com, which is dead now. The gang also discusses where we should all go next, the best-ever day on Twitter, everyone's favorite tweets, a scam to become land owners in Scotland, "man's unpaid obligation to hardworking bees," the Criagslist forum dedicated to haiku, and I swear to God, even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/) (small frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/). Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This week LB, Niki and John advise opening your third eye (while keeping your first two closed, of course), and also discuss other important topics facing today's Sleepy Americans™, including if the primordial soup was the original wassail, why we've never seen a dracula with an eyepatch, the pervert's place in the community, oranges from Australia, Tumblr's new content guidelines, podracing, and somehow, even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB — and our producer Jordo — try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/). Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredrivingSupport us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Niki, LB and John are back and sleepier than ever, with John a little loopy from his vaccine cocktail and Niki more in need of medical attention than ever. Meanwhile, the gang shows off their knowledge of Scandinavian geography, LB and Niki compare sleep study results, John details his trip to the vaccine clinic, LB orders McDonald's live (not sponsored), and somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz.Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredrivingSupport us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Happy spooky season, Drivers! LB finally gets the scary episode they've wanted out of John and Niki, who discuss election fraud (not like that), the Lord Jesus, Vanilla Ice's birthday, LB's fear of rats, salt guns, Rambo facts, John's undying love for Tom Cruise, and his fear of what might happen if he doesn't close the garage door in time.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz.Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredrivingSupport us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Niki, LB and John perform a dark ritual to summon their first special guest, merritt k (twitter.com/merrittk), after which Niki has a "mayonnaise question," John tells a story about an attempted murder he survived as a child, we all chill with our homie Eduardo and merritt describes an escalating cavalcade of jpegs from the Hammacher Schlemmer website.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz.Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredrivingSupport us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode: the fishing cheating controversy, Niki's new plan for electoral democracy, LB's new plan for healthcare, and more. We made a lot of claims about Colton Burpo and chess on this episode so we're sorry if we said anything that was wrong. Please let us know if you can get us a line on John Cena's rates for sack racing assistance.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz.Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredrivingSupport us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

HONK HONK! In this episode, Producer Jordo guides our hosts into a strange and fascinating world. A tiny world, a 1/24 scale world. Of truckers. JPEG-description fans rejoice and settle in for nearly a full hour of audio imagery. Also: Mad Libs, the bachelorette section, and literacy.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz.Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredrivingSupport us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.