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Comedy
TV & Film
Zach Harper, Amin Elhassan & Anthony Mayes
Welcome to Cinephobe: The Podcast where Zach Harper, Amin Elhassan and Anthony Mayes review movies that are poorly rated on Rotten Tomatoes, and try to ascertain whether or not those movies are accurately poorly rated, or maybe just didn’t get a fair shake. Cinephobe! Wherever you get Podcasts!
Cinephobe Ep 73: Twins
Zach, Amin and Mayes discover they were created by a top secret experiment designed to produce physically, spiritually, and mentally advanced podcasters. Once united, they complement each other perfectly and take a road trip to Texas, while losing their virginity, buying matching suits and stalking their long lost mother along the way.
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01:44:4103/03/2021
Cinephobe Ep 72: Action Jackson
Zach, Amin and Mayes are back in the eighties with Detroit's favorite son, Jericho "Action" Jackson, a former track star with a Harvard Law Degree, and boy does he live up to his name in this one. This movie has everything: Banter, sleazy bad guys doing kung fu, naked pop stars on heroin, ninja assassins, ridiculous explosions and auto union conspiracy. This is a Cinephobe you don't want to miss.
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01:45:4624/02/2021
Cinephobe Ep 71: How High
Zach, Amin and Mayes are back at Harvard after acing their THCs thanks to help of the Ghost of Exposition present. They'll tangle with uptight Dean Cain, dirty mack on Bart Dooster's girl and bring hookers to the dorms, all while putting the finishing touches on a botany project that will benefit mankind. Now go warm me up some Pork Chops O’Chunky.
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01:36:5617/02/2021
Cinephobe Ep 70: Soul Man
Black History Month continues on Cinephobe as Zach, Amin and Mayes take their cutting edge tanning pills and head to Harvard Law School on the Henry Q Bouchard scholarship to learn that it's not so easy being black after all. You can really feel 400 years of oppression in every single frame of this movie.
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01:44:1810/02/2021
Cinephobe Ep 69: Money Talks (with Josiah Johnson)
Cinephobe kicks off Black History Month with this archival footage of Chris Tucker in his prime. Josiah Johnson the meme king joins Zach, Amin and Mayes to sing Vic Damone's greatest hits, kick it with Sammy Davis Jr. Jr. , and disguise Barry White lyrics as wedding toasts.
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01:34:5203/02/2021
Cinephobe Ep 68: Gone in 60 Seconds (with Nando Vila)
Zach, Amin and Mayes come out of retirement to assemble the crew for one last job, bringing in Woke Bro Nando Vila to help steal 50 cars in one night. Cage month comes to a close in this car caper released just ahead of The Fast and the Furious in the year 2000. Can Nic save his brother from a vindictive carpenter? Can Amin finish a movie longer than 90 minutes? You'll have to listen to find out.
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01:47:2527/01/2021
Cinephobe Ep 67: Kiss of Death
Grab your inhaler and head down to Babycakes strip club as Nic Cage month continues here on Cinephobe. What doesn't kill Zach, Amin and Mayes makes them stronger, they'll live free or die, and if you fuck with the bull you get the horns, so put on your poncho and blast that House of Pain CD, it's time to clean up your own backyard.
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01:36:4220/01/2021
Cinephobe Ep 66: Snake Eyes
Zach, Amin and Mayes were made for this sewer and they are the kings. Cage Month rolls along with this 1998 thriller about conspiracy, a blind goody two shoes, political assassination, a married man and heavyweight boxing. Put your gold flip phone on silent and believe everything except your ears, because listening is deceiving.
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01:33:3113/01/2021
Cinephobe Ep 65: Jiu Jitsu (with Pablo Torre)
Zach, Amin and Mayes are joined by Pablo Torre to square off one at a time with the ancient alien Brax, who has so much respect for the art of Jiu Jitsu that he never even dares to use it. Put on your paper hat and spit roast your finest fish, it's time to kick off Nicolas Cage month in style.
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01:42:1806/01/2021
Cinephobe Ep 64: Troll 2
Zach, Amin and Mayes close out the year by swapping houses with hospitable Utah peasants in the town of Nilbog. They'd rather be drinking Mountain Dew with their boys at the RV bordello, but all they've got is room temperature Nilbog milk. Be on the lookout for unattached girls, but whatever you do, don't eat the food.
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01:38:0730/12/2020
Cinephobe Ep 63: Money Plane
You wanna listen to three podcasters on the verge of pissing themselves discuss a movie held together by terrible exposition and scotch tape? Money Plane.
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01:37:4823/12/2020
Cinephobe Ep 62: Money Train - Part 2 (with Roy Bellamy)
Zach, Amin, Mayes and Roy are back on the Money Train to tangle ass with the transit twins, punch J Lo in the face and then bang her, get pick pocketed by an old lady and start a fire by striking gasoline with a metal pipe. We bled the breaks so this podcast won't stop until it reaches the end of the line.
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59:2416/12/2020
Cinephobe Ep 62: Money Train - Part 1 (with Roy Bellamy)
Zach, Amin, Mayes and special guest Roy Bellamy board the Money Train and travel back to a simpler time, when the NY MTA was raking in millions of dollars of cold hard cash a day. It doesn't matter if there are people on the tracks, this train doesn't stop for anything! Give us some money so we can buy you a Christmas present, we definitely won't blow it immediately in a card game.
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01:00:0109/12/2020
Cinephobe Ep 61: Last Action Hero
Zach, Amin and Mayes have obtained possession of Harry Houdini's magical golden ticket and use it to enjoy all of the glorious fruits this movie has to offer: Product placement, over the top explosions, shouting lieutenants, monologuing villains and freshmen named Skeezy. Where does the parody end and the movie begin?
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01:38:2302/12/2020
Cinephobe Ep 60: The Fan
Zach, Amin and Mayes coulda made it to the bigs if only they had mastered the sacrifice fly (the most beautiful play in the game). Just like unemployed knife salesman Gil Renard, they want some respect, and they'll leave their own kids behind at opening day and follow you into a sauna if that's what it takes to get it.
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01:55:3525/11/2020
Cinephobe Ep 59: Drillbit Taylor
Zach, Amin and Mayes are being relentlessly bullied (by each other), so they've posted an ad in search of a bodyguard. A homeless Owen Wilson comes to the rescue (wow!) to teach a trio of nerds self defense, steal their shit and bang their teacher. Just don't touch the dumpster at Ocean and Wilshire, that's his.
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01:25:2918/11/2020
Cinephobe Ep 58: CATS
Welcome to Cinephobe! The jellicle podcast for jellicle podcats you should definitely be afraid to admit you love. Whether you're a washed up glamour cat like Grizabella, or a dissatisfied curious cat like Rum Tum Tugger, join us in a choreographed dance under the jellicle moon and see if you reach the Heavyside Layer. Jellicle.
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01:09:4811/11/2020
Cinephobe Ep 57: That's My Boy
Zach, Amin and Mayes are reunited with their estranged father just in time for a beautiful waterfront wedding as the Sandler wars rage on. Help yourself to the strip club omelette bar and pull a Bud Heavy out of your loose sock, because Champale is up next and her vagina counts as double.
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01:10:3205/11/2020
Cinephobe Ep 56: Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
News Headline! Cinephobe's finest prosti-dudes are Amsterdam bound for an all you can eat buffet of Portugese Breakfasts and Turkish Snow Cones. Zach, Amin and Mayes had to get 5 different colored tulips, eat two herring and drink a beer from a wooden shoe before they could record this podcast.
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01:28:1528/10/2020
Cinephobe Ep 55: Johnny Be Good
Fresh off a dominant performance in the championship game, Zach, Amin and Mayes find themselves subsumed by recruiters who all want a piece of the latest Cinephobe. Whether playing 3 on 3 football against the cops, or flirting with a young Uma Thurman, one thing's for sure: Johnny Got Game.
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01:38:1221/10/2020
Cinephobe Ep 54: Grown Ups 2
The Rental Wars wage on as Zach, Amin and Mayes dress up like their favorite 80s character and groove to the J Geils Band (sans J Geils). Bring your survival fanny pack and avoid the frat boys because it's getting rough out here.
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01:24:2614/10/2020
Cinephobe Ep 53: R.I.P.D.
Zach, Amin and Mayes are frosty and huntin for Deados in this afterlife romp that takes place over the course of 3 or 4 days. Whether your carcass was picked apart by coyotes, or you're trying to reconnect with your French wife while disguised as James Hong, snort a bump of cumin and buckle up.
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01:26:1807/10/2020
Cinephobe Ep 52: The Lawnmower Man Part 2
Zach, Amin and Mayes' minds are like clean, hungry sponges as they strap into the Gyrosphere and overdose on nootropic drugs before projecting this podcast into the mainframe and becoming Cyber Christs.
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49:4130/09/2020
Cinephobe Ep 52: The Lawnmower Man Part 1
Zach, Amin and Mayes aren't into reality reality, they're into virtual reality with this 1992 film that's not legally allowed to connect itself to the Stephen King short story. Fill up your gas can and crank up the sexual tension for another epic 2-part Cinephobe spectacular.
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01:08:2523/09/2020
Cinephobe Ep 51: Mom and Dad
Zach, Amin and Mayes are back in the Cage for this nuanced action horror dark comedy that uses its conceit to peel back the layers of being a washed parent in modern society. Whether you get your news from a portable dvd player or prefer concentrated ethological exposition from Dr Oz while you hit the bong, this is the movie for you.
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01:23:5222/09/2020
Cinephobe Ep 50: The Break-Up
Breaking up is hard to do, just ask the recently rekindled Cinephobe crew. Zach Harper, Amin Elhassan and Anthony Mayes are a couple of podcasters that don't have a goddamn future, and they're taking over by air, land and sea. Just promise us you're not gonna do anything.
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01:19:0209/09/2020
Cinephobe Ep 49: Wet Hot American Summer
After Amin's dramatic exit from the show, Zach and Mayes pack their bags for the 2001 summer camp comedy cult classic that features horny summer love, lots of unlikely therapy, and all the other quintessential experiences Camp Firewood has to offer.
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01:26:0405/09/2020
Cinephobe Ep 48: After Earth
Zach, Amin and Mayes return to the quarantine zone for the 2013 sci-fi thriller that teaches us important lessons about parenthood and the dangers of environmental exploitation. Make sure you've got your go pro backpack, cutlass and horrific futuristic accent secured for this 100 km podcast journey.
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01:18:2927/08/2020
Cinephobe Ep 47: Movie 43
Zach, Amin and Mayes scour the dark web to find the elusive, offensive "film" crudely assembled from various writers, directors and actors and sewn together like a sketch movie Frankenstein. Stop fingering your iBabe for a minute and listen. (Movies 1-42 are not prerequisite viewing for this podcast)
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01:24:2919/08/2020
Cinephobe Ep 46: Takers
Zach, Amin and Mayes suit up and shoot the moon for this 2010 heist movie loaded with emotional baggage. You have to wait at least a year between jobs so the heat cools off, but you don't have to wait more than a week for another spectacular episode of Cinephobe.
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01:24:3912/08/2020
Cinephobe Ep 45: Catwoman
Zach, Amin and Mayes take a trip to CGI city for the 2004 female empowerment saga that put Halle Berry in a leather body suit to find her true calling. Another one name director (Pitof), another Cinephobe classic.
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01:37:5905/08/2020
Cinephobe Ep 44: A Million Ways to Die in the West
Zach, Amin and Mayes take a trip to the moustachery in this 2014 comedy that everyone agrees isn't as good as Blazing Saddles (one of the foremost classic comedies of all time). This movie takes several pages out of Amin's dream journal and if you listen, we'll show you a real dollar bill for the first time in your life.
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01:23:4529/07/2020
Cinephobe Ep 43: The Adventures of Pluto Nash
Zach, Amin and Mayes blast off for the 2002 futuristic moon caper comedy starring Eddie Murphy as a legendary rill hopper. Pluto is just your run of the mill ex con small business owner battling gentrification by local government in bed with corrupt capitalist casinos all while crusading for android rights.
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01:24:0122/07/2020
Cinephobe Ep 42: Ghost Rider Part 2
Zach, Amin and Mayes are the only ones that can walk between both worlds and have returned with the scroll of San Venganza to finish off Blackheart and his elemental demons once and for all. Listen closely as Amin's soul gradually leaves his body down the stretch.
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58:3715/07/2020
Cinephobe Ep 42: Ghost Rider Part 1
Zach, Amin and Mayes are back in the Cage yet again having sold their souls for this 2007 film that launched the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Fill your martini glass with jelly beans and blast the Carpenters, we're jumping five blackhawk helicopters cuz our dad thought it would be cool.
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01:07:4808/07/2020
Cinephobe Ep 41: Tango & Cash (with Stugotz)
Zach, Amin and Mayes hit the showers for this 1989 buddy cop classic and are joined by Cinephobe's first guest, Stugotz of The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz. We make billion dollar drug busts and margin calls while nattily attired in three piece Armani suits before making a prison break in the pouring rain. Listen to learn why Stugotz has this movie in his top 5 of all time.
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01:41:1901/07/2020
Cinephobe Ep 40: Along Came Polly
Zach, Amin and Mayes are for scuba in this romantic comedy as a risk averse Ben Stiller tackles dating advice, ethnic food, blind ferrets, throw pillows, and horrendous pick up basketball in his pursuit of Jennifer Aniston. Yes, this is the podcast from crocodile tears.
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01:16:1929/06/2020
Cinephobe Ep 39: I Am Wrath
Zach, Amin and Mayes travel to Columbus, Ohio for a gritty, hard hitting, action movie starring Cinephobe Legend John Travolta. Pitbull's best friend is slamming Cleveland Reserve bourbon, picking up smoking again, getting tattoos, and reconnecting with his old partner to seek vengeance because the bible told him to, or something.
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01:24:0429/06/2020
Cinephobe Ep 38: Teen Witch
Zach, Amin and Mayes double dip with another horny 80s teen supernatural comedy. An alleged cult classic (?) that features dick soliloquies, barbershop rap groups, predatory psychics, mysterious disappearances and a little brother with an undiagnosed eating disorder leads to yet another unforgettable podcast.
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01:19:5729/06/2020
Cinephobe Ep 37: Teen Wolf Too
Zach, Amin and Mayes throw in the proverbial towel with the horniest Cinephobe movie to date. Jason Bateman's debut comes in a classic coming of age college romp, complete with Trans Am Douchebags, southern temptresses, and flying bowls of pudding. This podcast is a dog.
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01:18:1829/06/2020
Cinephobe Ep 36: Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
The movie they didn't want us to see led to the podcast you just can't miss. Zach, Amin and Mayes take a jaunt north of the border to scenic Vancouver, leisurely ride around on motorcycles, take an impromptu trip to the aquarium, and blow up the entire train depot in pursuit of a missing child who holds the key to important nano technology.
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01:22:3429/06/2020
Cinephobe Ep 35: Cop Out
Zach, Amin and Mayes turn in their guns and badges for another odd couple cop comedy that serves as indie darling Kevin Smith's first and only sell out. Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan encounter a mastermind child car thief, a baseball obsessed drug dealer, and a parkour expert who dabbles in tasering, all while suspended, in order to pay for Bruce's daughter's wedding.
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01:13:4026/06/2020
Cinephobe Ep 34: Coffee & Kareem
Zach, Amin and Mayes unite to discuss the odd couple partnership between a foul mouthed youth and a piece of Wonderbread in a cop's uniform, but still find plenty of time to tackle important subjects like Octavia Spencer's career and Richard Gere's fertility. (Neither Spencer nor Gere appear in this movie)
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01:13:1426/06/2020
Cinephobe Ep 33: Scary Movie 3
Zach, Amin and Mayes open a time capsule chock full of very specific references from 2003 disguised as a parody film. We tackle semantic arguments, when a reference is just straight up theft, and announce the top 5 worst child actors in Cinephobe history.
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01:11:3126/06/2020
Cinephobe Ep 32: Primal
Zach, Amin and Mayes get back in the Cage, quite literally this time, as they take an elusive white jaguar back to America in the hopes of turning it into a house on Pine Lake. Dumb kids, baby monkeys and scurvy engineers might try to stop us, but they'll never take our whiskey and cigars.
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01:17:1326/06/2020
Cinephobe Ep 31: Hall Pass
Zach, Amin and Mayes are given an idea by Joy Behar to take one week off from their marriage to truly awful movies. They learned club analysis from Coakley, ate Gary's special brownies, and entertained Hog Head's hypotheticals, but in the end they returned to Cinephobe changed men.
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01:23:3326/06/2020
Cinephobe Ep 30: Spenser Confidential
Zach, Amin and Mayes have just been released from prison after 5 years and despite people telling them not to, they just can't help but review this Mark Wahlberg / Peter Berg movie. Spoiler Alert: This movie is set in Boston.
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01:28:1525/06/2020
Cinephobe April Fools: The Departed
This week on Cinephile, Adnan revisits the film that finally earned Martin Scorcese his elusive academy award for directing. Does the electric ensemble cast present a strong enough argument to join Marty's Mount Rushmore? You'll have to listen to find out.
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01:14:2725/06/2020
Cinephobe Ep 29: Double Impact Part 2
Zach, Amin and Mayes return to Hong Kong for the thrilling conclusion of Double Impact. That's right, there's two of them, so put down that bottle of whiskey, just chill out and listen.
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57:1525/06/2020
Cinephobe Ep 29: Double Impact Part 1
Zach, Amin and Mayes are welcomed to Hong Kong with the 1991 action classic starring the Muscles from Brussels himself twin brothers seeking revenge on the men that killed their parents. They have the same accent but one of them only wears pastels and the other never puts out his cigar, so that's how you know they're different.
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58:0825/06/2020