Welcome to Krola Classics.I'm your host, superfan Giovanni.This is the podcast where we put the best moments, highlights, and fan-selected clips from all 15 years of the Adam Krola Show.Now coming to you all three days every weekend.
We have a Friday episode, a Saturday episode, and a Sunday episode that airs exclusively in the Krola Classics feed.You demanded it, and now we're doing it.If you'd like to request a clip, please email us, classicsatadamkrola.com.
We have a dedicated podcast feed titled Corolla Classics.Make sure to like and subscribe.The archives of Corolla Classics are exclusively available through Adam Corolla's Substack.
Continuing where we left off from yesterday, we have Adam Corolla Show 809.This portion has Will Sasso, Jim Corolla, Ray Oldhoffer were in the previous portion there yesterday.Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop, 2012.Hope you guys enjoy.
this week on Ace on the House.
Don't let the sack hold you back.Yeah, that's it.Tuck the sack back.Tuck the sack.Don't let the sack hold you back.Just because we're white dudes doesn't mean we can't achieve.
And we try to tell all the other white dudes in their middle age over there that they can do whatever they want.Whatever.And if someone tries to tell them no, they don't listen, man.You know what?You're winners.You know that you're winners, people.
Everyone's a winner.And don't let your old lady slow you down.No.And don't let the man.
No, man not going to keep me down.
Don't let the woman or the black man tell you you can't. Because you can.
Check out an all new episode of Ace on the House this Saturday.Or visit aceonthehouse.com.Only on the Ace Broadcasting Network. And now, Alcoa presents, Definitely Not A Jew!On the Adam Carolla Show.Dateline, Springfield, Illinois.
An unidentified thief stole a three-foot-long copper sword from the tomb of Abraham Lincoln!Definitely Not A Jew!
And I want to thank the good people from Alcoa for sponsoring that.Reputation.com.You got to protect yourself.You got to protect your reputation, especially online.I got to use these guys.Reputation.com.
They'll drive down the negative link or and or links.For me, it's links.It's like a long sausage. Sausage links?What happened?
I miss the links of Sausage.
It's like one of those good cartoon things where someone starts swinging it over their head and all sorts of good stuff, or a dog would follow the links, you know, and go into the trap.
Yeah, it'll drive down the links, the lies, in my case, maybe some of them. Some truth to some of it.Move the positive information up to the top.
That's amazing, because if you Google anything, usually people just look at the first couple of results on Google or Bing or whatever, and they're like, oh, that's what everyone thinks about.It's only the first couple things.
Yeah.So if you're going for a job or you're trying to get laid, or anything.They'll take it, they'll put the good stuff up top, they'll bury the bad stuff, and they'll take care of your reputation.Reputation.com.
You can call them for a free assessment.It just takes five minutes.And this is how they know you heard it here.1-800-306-2526.That's 1-800-306-2526.Yes. I don't want to get an assessment, just to see what they say.It's free.
This is going to be tough.This is hard work.We had a lot of negative stuff to drive down.Not a lot of positive to bring up.
I'd like to work there, because I'd be like, all right, how do you spell your name?Go ahead.B-R-Y-A-N.You've got to make the sound.
Stan, get in here!Oh my god, you need Stan too?
Hold on for a second, sir.
Jesus Christ, Stan, come here!Never seen any shit like this before.
You do this for a living.
We've never seen anything like Wow Wow all right Clear my calendar Jesus Christ disorder in Chinese.I knew there was one or two things, but I hope you guys don't mind working the weekend weekend You're a great actor.That's 1-800-3-0-6-2526.
Will Sasso, good to see you, my friend. Congratulations on three stooges.Thank you.
I was checking it out on Rotten Tomatoes today, and it's made some pretty good cash I don't know it was up getting close to I don't know 40 million bucks or something in a couple of weeks Fairley brothers, how were those guys?
I've never met those dudes They're crazy and awesome.Really?
Yeah, they're like legitimately crazy and two of the absolutely nicest people.
Is there a lead one?Because usually like one guy does all the talking, the other guy's quiet.
Right.Pete.The top.Yeah, Pete Farrelly is definitely the one who comes flying out from behind the video village and takes the headset off and screams at everybody.And Bob's the one you don't want to piss off.Bob's the, ooh, power bottom.
Yeah, I like that. Good bottom, bad bottom.I like that.That's their new movie starring Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear.
I feel like if me and my sister directed a movie, it'd take us less than 10 seconds of the first take to just start an all out fucking embarrassing argument in front of the crew and everyone else.
They don't do that, huh?No, no.And I was sort of curious how that would work.And it works.It's unbelievable.And I thought halfway through, it's like, yes, definitely someone's going to take a swing at somebody else, right?
I've not seen the movie, but I've seen enough of it to know that you do a pretty damn amazing Curly.And how much research, other than just watching Three Stooges movies, did you do?
Yeah, I mean the research gets a little different having, you know, I mean, you know, I've always watched The Stooges, but yeah, I started watching it with a different eye.Right.
Yeah, you watch it a lot, and then you keep watching it, and you're watching it during, and I was always walking, I was always that asshole walking around with a headset in and just kind of doing little sound bites of stuff that'll get me, keep me in.
Is it, is, I was, I don't know, we were on a long drive once from like Fresno back to L.A.and I had Mike
August and Mike Lynch in the car and we start talking about the three stooges and Lynch was telling us sort of a sad story about Some gambling and some depression and some maybe some some alcoholism, but definitely some money lost or or lack of compensation I mean all those guys they didn't get paid for that stuff, you know when it started being re syndicated in the 60s They didn't get a dime from it
Yeah, their deals were terrible.And which one made it, who was actually a brother?And then how long, who died last?
Mo died last.Mo was last.Mo was the, well, Shemp is the oldest brother of the three Stooges that ended up being the three Stooges.But Mo, yeah, Mo outlasted them all.Shemp, I believe, died in 58.
Curly died in, I want to say, he was in 1952 at 48 years of age.Right.And Mo made it. Moe died in 1975, and I'm not sure how old, I think he was in his 80s.
And Moe, and those were brothers, but who was the non-brother there?Larry Fine.Larry was the, was he related at all?
No, no, they found him doing like a cabaret act.He used to play the violin and sing with his wife and his sister-in-law, and they were Ted Healy and the Stooges back then.It was before Curly was doing a whole lot of it.
And it was like Shemp, Moe, and some other guys sometimes, and Ted Healy.And then they found Larry.And at one night, he had had a fight with his wife and his sister-in-law.They pulled the anti-Ferralli.And they couldn't do it anymore.
And they found him by himself.And they were like, yeah, we like this guy.And they brought him on.And he was like, how much does it pay?
Was there a sad moment as you were researching the students, the Stooges, where there's just sort of a rock bottom or, jeez Christ, that's pathetic.
Well, the way Curly passed on, he was institutionalized at the end of it.I mean it was – but Moe was always there for him.Moe was always there for him, for Larry.
When Larry had had a stroke and before he passed away, Moe would go read to him every day. Yeah, they beat the shit out of Curly, and then you throw in some scotch and some fast living, but he took some massive head trauma.
Is that stuff ultimate?Ultimately it always feels sad, but is it sad?Not sadder than the average life led on this planet, right?
Just sad for what it could have been, perhaps. Well, I mean, you know, the Stooges were always – yeah, they were always treated second class.Like they never got a set – they never had a set built for them.
They had to reuse sets and I kind of – yeah, as a Stooge fan, I wish they had a 90-minute movie.Like I wish they were given a full-length movie before the Curly Joe Besser years and all that stuff.
I wish that we could see Curly Howard in a feature-length film.
Yeah, I mean it's it's I don't I don't know that I can as a fan I can't call it sad because I you know I just think they're just absolutely legendary and you laugh your ass off But yeah on a human level you go man.What a yeah boy.Oh boy.
What about The song the popular song written about the three stooges and like the like 1987 so the curly shuffle yeah, I was a weird I Who did that?Who were those guys?What was that?That wasn't Alabama, was it?It was something like that.
No, I think it was nobody.I'm pretty sure it was a one-hit wonder.Jumping the saddle band?Yeah.Well, I stand corrected, because they have a jukebox filled with hits.And it was like 1986 or 87 or 85 or something like that.And it's weird, because
He died in the 50s?Died in 1952.And the show was syndicated, we ended up watching it all in our youth, but by the mid-80s, it's not like people were buzzing about the Stooges.No, yeah.
It must have been a tough pitch, a tough sell for the rest of like, what year are we literally talking about here, like 86? Oh, Mike, turn your mic on.
Who's 83?Sounds like a lady.And I had this, uh, I had 45 of this.
Guys, I got a great idea for a song.
Alright, wait a minute, don't let me cut you off.You know what's going off big right now?What's that? Lamborghini Countach, and cocaine, and the ladies.
Oh, this is perfect.Oh, that'd be great for the horn section.
Big hair, hot chicks, big hair, tight, those, they're one-piece bikinis, but they're almost like half-piece, you know, they ride up your ass and show side boob.That is so funny that you mention that.Yeah, you seen those Billy Idol videos?
That's what I'm talking about.Yeah, rock the cradle and all that stuff.Yeah, all that, yeah.So what do you got?Because that's what I'm thinking.The Abbott and Costello shuffle.Huh?
It's perfect.It's on the tip of everyone's tongue.It's the zeitgeist that everyone's talking about.
I'm talking about Lamborghini Countach's with hot chicks on the hood.I suppose we could change it to the Curly Shuffle.
How's that go?It's like the Abba Costello Shuffle, but not quite as good.You really think that's going to be a top ten hit for us?The Abba Costello Shuffle would have been, but now you're changing it.Do whatever you want to do, I'll be out back.
That song was top ten, right?Yeah.
Can you sing along, Will?No, not no, but fuck no.No, I don't know this song.People, yeah, it's funny, because people start tweeting, like, when you get the part.It's like, hey, I bet you love this song.
It's like, no, it has nothing to do with the Stooges, and those guys are...
Speaking of which, indulge me for a second, if you will.
I have so many questions about the development of the movie, because it's been being developed for over 10 years, like development hell, and so many actors were considered for all the parts, like big name actors came and went.
How did you end up with the part?
Well, the Farrelly brothers called me into a meeting like seven or eight years ago.And they said that they had heard that I did Curly on MADtv, which was not true.And I told Pete.Pete was like, oh, I heard you did it on MADtv.
And this is a very good Pete, by the way.Right.And I went, no, I never did it on MADtv.He goes, oh, OK.And then I went, but you don't want me to have done it on MADtv.He's like, well, why not?I'm like, well, because that's a TV show.
You guys are making a big movie.You're the Farrelly brothers.And knowing Pete now, I know why it's interesting that he said, well, I guess that's a good point.OK.
And then about three years ago, I did the Sean Penn table read when he was attached as Larry.Oh, that's right.Yeah.And and Benicia del Toro was in talks for Mo.
And then they were having a crazy cat.
It would have been weird.And then my manager got all excited and I was like, don't get they're going to shave Kevin James had like relax.You know what I mean?That's not going to happen.And then they got Jim Carrey.And then that fell apart.
And then they started over.
Supposedly, Jim Carrey put on like He put on 40 pounds and decided, I can't do anymore.I can't do anymore.That's right.
He was going to put on another 40.And then he started talking about how, well, you know, when De Niro did this.
To play Curly.And he was going to do some facial prosthetics.Wow.Yeah, it was weird.Just get a fat ass for like no money.I swear to God, yeah.Just get a fat guy and just do it.Just do the.
Yeah, it's like going, hey, I'm making a porn movie.I'm going to paint that guy black and add some prosthetics to his penis in there.
Or we could just go down to the Home Depot and get a black dude with a huge cock and do it for half the price.
I don't want to liken my performance in the movie or what Jim Carrey's performance would have been to Gary Oldman becoming a black man with a 13-inch dick. Yeah, I think Jim Carrey, that would have been a Gary Oldman.Would have been very interesting.
I was reading your list of impressions here, and there's the usual suspects, which is good.But Randy Newman, I haven't heard Randy Newman.
I'd be curious to hear what Randy Newman might sound like.Yeah, he just sounds like a retard.Every impression I used to do on MADtv just sounds like a version of that person who hit his head really hard.
But then how are you going to do Dwayne The Rock Johnson as a retirement?I mean, that's the thing.Yeah, I don't know how that... I don't even remember doing Dwayne The Rock Johnson.
Well, I don't know if you saw Fast Five as many times as I did, but that man used a lot of arm butter.Oh, yeah, sure.He was just fucking greased up.
Same stuff I put on my calves.
Oh, we're going to get a shot of those calves.Yeah, we'll get a shot of those.It is absolutely glorious.
Good news about three stooges. Spoiler alert, but the students dress up as nurses at one point.Oh, the calves are hanging.There is a glorious shot of Will Sasso's calves.
One of my buddies said that he goes, yeah, no, the curly is great, and blah, blah, blah.He goes, but your forearms and calves are distracting.Yeah.Yeah, you're a lot of man.What do you weigh?I'm only asking because you're not fat.
I am, as a solid human being, you're not going to believe me, about 470 pounds. No, that's not true.Just a little south of Three Bills most of the time.But I'm 6'3".You're a big dude.I lift the weights and stuff.I throw the weights around.
Played football in high school, growing up in Canada, and then played some in college as well.
No, no, no college.But you got recruited, right?Oh yeah, I was pretty heavily recruited.I played what's called junior football, which is sort of a feeder for the CFL.
You know I played a little bit of that and then I quit because the acting work was picking up really yeah Is it is acting I know Canada and there's a lot of great performers who come from Canada and a lot of good comedy that comes from Canada
Is it tough to pick up work there, or is it a smaller pool, but there's more or less fish in it?
Yeah, it's kind of a smaller pool.But back in the day, like in the early 90s and stuff, there was like 21 Jump Street and X-Files, and there was a bunch of... Oh, right.There was so much stuff.
I was on a Canadian series when I was a kid, when I was a teenager.What was it?Degrassi?It was like Degrassi.It was called Madison. And I pitch it down here as sort of a Canadian My So-Called Life.It was kind of like that.
It was a lot of teen problems.We had the first lesbian kiss on Canadian television.Way predated, Ellen.
I played Derek Walkaluck, who was a pretty good egg most of the time, rarely got into trouble, and was kind of funny sometimes.So did it get a lot of press?
Did the Lesbian Kiss get a lot of press?No.
None.None.Like, none!We were just like, this'll do it.None.The show was on five years, though, because it's just government grants and ratings don't matter.Sure.We're communists up there.
I like the fact that you guys go, listen, if you're going to play songs to the radio, we need 25% of them to be Canadian-born artists.
And the only reason that if I ever had a chance of playing in the CFL is because there's that number, which goes from 16% to 20% of women, needs to be Canadian.We don't need a whole bunch of scary black dudes running up and down the field.
It's not just guys from the American South.Which in Canada just equates to big, fat, white farm boys.That's who ends up playing in the CFL.
Which part of Canada are you from?
Somebody's gotta, like, someone's making the argument, like, listen, those super fast black guys, they need someone to run over, and I think those people should be local.You understand me?Yeah.So, um... Some redheads.Vancouver, unbelievable city.
My God, it's so beautiful there.It's pretty.Yeah, it's nice.It's beautiful.So how far out of Vancouver were you?
Just about 20 miles out, a little town called Labner.
Seems so, seems so normal, doesn't it?
I've never been to Vancouver, I've been to Toronto.
Vancouver, I like quite a bit more than Toronto.And Toronto's really cool too, but Vancouver, oh Vancouver is sort of Seattle if it wasn't filled with a bunch of people who moved to Seattle and did a, hey man now I'm from Seattle sort of.
So it's like Seattle minus the assholes?
Seattle, it's like, yeah, no, Seattle doesn't really have assholes, but the people who live in Seattle are well aware they live in Seattle and they know it.Smug.Yeah, it's like me, I always say that all the time.I'm hot, but I don't know it.
And that's part of what makes me hot, you know what I'm saying?Right, exactly, yeah.And that's what Vancouver is.They're hot, but they don't know it.Yeah.
No one tell them.You should have that on the sign.
We're hot but we don't know it.
I'll tell you what, I was literally, one of the last times I was there I was commenting to a friend that it's just, it's literally some of the most beautiful women you've ever seen in the world hanging out with tools.Yes.It's unbelievable.
And it's like in LA you can't, you know, everyone's, it's weird too.
You know, Ed, that would never happen.And there seems to be no agenda, and there seems to be no, you know, there's no ladder to climb over there.There you go.
You just stand around like a bar or a club or something, and the next thing you know, there's just some hot chick talking to you, and you think, oh, she must recognize me from something, but she's like 24 and has no idea who you are.
She's just friendly.They're just like regular and talky, and it's chatty, and it's weird, because you're so used to the L.A.standard, which is, all right, you want, some coke, or do you want me to introduce you to one of the Farrelly brothers?
What do you need from me?"And in Canada, they get kinder the more they get to the center of the country.They get even kinder.
So you take the east coast and the far east coast, they're very, very sweet in the maritime provinces.And then Toronto's a big city, Vancouver's a big city, but once you get to the middle of that country, it's just the nicest people in the world.
Is that like their Midwest?
Exactly the prairies are like their Midwest and it's just and girls with just flawless skin because of all the cold weather and fresh water And just clean living just it's unbelievable.I'm going back.I'm gonna open a lumberyard.
I'm going with you All right, fuck show business now if Vancouver is hot But doesn't know it is the way to get in Vancouver's pants to complement its looks or its mind Mmm, I'd say just buy the beer Oh, yeah, you're right.Why even burn the calories?
And even beer has higher alcohol content, too.Yeah, they've got nice high-octane beer over there.All right, Allison Rosen, I want you, Three Stooges, by the way, in theaters, of course, as we speak.
Will's got a podcast out, and it's called the 10-Minute Podcast.It's available on iTunes.Ham Fatter, that's two Ts, I guess you can figure that out, .com website.And Will Sasso, Twitter.Should we do some news?
And, Will, you hang out in Crackwise with us?Sure, please. with Allison Rosen.
She'll read some news from her iPad, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.It's Allison!Allison!And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip It Cunt.It's Allison!Allison!
Two current and two former TSA screeners at LAX have been arrested for allegedly taking bribes to not notice drugs that were going through.
That's not the TSA-ers I know, especially in LAX.
The 40-page indictment outlines five alleged smuggling incidents over a six-month period.If convicted, the screeners could end up behind bars for the rest of their lives.
We're smuggling drugs out of LA?Because I feel like coming through.
But the TSA people are checking you on the way out, not on the way in, but are these customs?
Customs?They do? Isn't TSA what's screening and stuff?No, because those guys check through.Maybe they're coming through from other countries?
Could be.Well, it's all laid out in Don Henley's Smuggler's Blues, or Glenn Fry's Smuggler's Blues.They move it through Miami.It's all laid out.It's all there.If you ever want to know how the cocaine trade works, it's a tutorial for smuggling coke.
Who has the balls... Much like the curly shuffle is a lesson in, yes, go ahead.
Right.In methamphetamine cooking.Who has the balls to attempt to bribe a TSA agent?That's always my thing when considering criminal activity or just thinking about other people who do it, is like... I think... What do you think?
If it goes wrong, it's going to really go wrong.
I feel like I'm a set of Leigh Presson nails and some generic crevasse away from doing anything I want at that airport when I walk through LAX.But that's me.That's a generic crevasse.Not real crevasse.
Would that work on the dudes as well? The press-on nails?
Well, no, I bring them both.
The press-on nails are for the ladies.So you can call an audible.Yeah, in case I didn't know which pocket to go for.Yeah, that's what it feels like to me.Those people feel like criminals to me.I mean, that's just me.But, you know, I may be wrong.
Yeah, because you don't want to be bribing a female TSA agent with leaf press on nails and have a guy walk up and go, what's going on over here?
And not have the glossy hand.I got something for you, too.None of them look like high-end law enforcement officials, do they?
They don't really act like it, do they?
No, it's more like if someone saw this happen, I guess.It just seems real illegal.
You can get through the airport with so much stuff anyway.I don't care what anyone says.So I think you only need to bring out the Leigh Presson nails and Curvasier if you get caught.Oh, yeah.No, that's case of emergency.
You should just put it in there with the bag of Coke.There should be Curvasier and Leigh Presson nails and they just kind of give you a wink and a nod. Go ahead and keep that Adidas bag for yourself there, buddy.
It's going to be a tangent, but it does relate.I want to find out what goes on with Smuggler's Blues.I've got to find out where they move it in.They move it through Miami and they sell it in LA?Don't act like you don't know.
I know it happens every day.The video's even better.It's great.You'd never know it was shot in the 80s.
The curly shuffle guy was like, you see, this is the kind of shit we should have been singing about.
I may have overestimated the public's appetite for curly related material.I would say you grossly overestimated.I can admit my mistakes, unlike some people.
I would argue that Miami Vice Ultimately did more harm than good.You know like with regard to hair and Just every jackass going is is you know tubs or Crockett for Halloween?Yeah, dude.
There's acting in this video.There's like non-musical interludes.
Yeah, and It's always nice to see a non-smoker smoke on screen holding the cigarette with two hands that guy just aimed the gun at Glen fries head that's right and Oh, wow.It's nice to see a VW thing featured in a video.It's normally a nicer car.
I'm surprised Tony Katain's not rolling around on the hood.
Oh, it's coming.Videos used to be so bad.We were so excited just to see actual stuff moving.
Uh-oh.Hustling back to the car.It's going to take a while to get to the part where actually... I don't like it when the cops or the bad guys fire the gun and blink every time they fire it.That's like a guy that's not fired a gun.
You know, you see the actors like blinking every time they squeeze the trigger?Yeah.Here's Glenn Frey.Oh.Everybody got it.Catch a packet in the belly.Here comes the guys chasing him.
Every car in this video, if we could hear it honking, it would sound like this.
Yeah, and there's no, this song, there's no metaphor or simile, it's all just fucking on the nose.
He's talking the lyrics to her, by the way.
Yes.It's a pre-fame Sharon Stone.There's a Sharon Stone.Some A-lister.First gig.
They hide it in Telluride?
Telluride.That's where the ski resort and the powder is.
Oh, is that the joke?He sure doesn't say like, I'm telling you it's right here.No, he says they hide it.So they move it from Miami.They sell it in LA and they hide it in Telluride.
It's a nice little plug for Telluride.
Man, there's so many words in this song.I know.Why are there so many words in this song?He's also in one of those fake bathrooms with the fake graffiti.It's not real graffiti, it's TV graffiti.Alright.
He's double-crossed the guy who blinks when he shoots his gun.Alright, you get it.They put it in Telluride.
I figure they'd stash it up in Whistler.
This is what you're talking about.They're like, well, huh?What?Something snaps together.We're going to find out that Glenn Frey like co-owned a ski chalet up in Telluride, like bought it right around the time he was writing the song.
Get a plug in for that one.
Yeah.All right.All right.
So my story, which is a tangent, but which relates because it's a story of attempting to sort of bribe and it did not go right.
When I lived in New York, my sister and I were living together and we were moving into a one-bedroom apartment because everything was expensive and a lot of people were converting their one bedrooms into two bedrooms and the only way you could do this was to hire a company to build a pressure wall.
The apartment was very specific. Yeah, like a tension wall.
It's a temporary wall that they put up and it stays there for the whole time you're in the apartment and then they take it down at the end and they professionally put it up, professionally take it down and somehow it doesn't damage anything.
Is it load-bearing? Well, you're asking the right person.How would I know?Are they throwing the wall up to keep the sound and the dust out, or are they throwing a wall?
It prevents neither from moving around.So it's not soundproof.
They call it a tension wall, which is interesting.So we'd call it like putting up kickers and building a wall that's picking up the load of the wall that you're removing, I guess.But anyway, back to that old hybrid.
They can build little windows into them.This is intended to be permanent.
for the duration of your living there.
It's to create an extra room.It's just, yeah.But it doesn't fuck with the structure of it.So anyway, there's like one of two companies you can call.And I called, and there's this huge waiting list.
And we were going to move in, you know, let's say September 1st.And it's like, oh, yeah, you know, we can't do it till November.So I ended up telling, I said to the guy something like, you know, okay, well, blah, blah, blah.
But you know, if there's any ways or a waiting list, if there's any way that you could do it sooner, I'd be really happy to show my appreciation.
Yeah, I meant with a tip sure I didn't know how it works in New York, but he gave me the most uncomfortable disgusting laugh ever He thinks I'm offering sexual favors
You guys have a boob off, go ahead.
Boobs.Boobs.Boobs.Boobs.Boobs.Boobs.
Sorry, I'm a big fan of the show, so I know the drops.Pardon me.
I gotta say, I miss the, now that I'm literally a millionaire, I miss the part where you can grease a wheel or a palm.And it's not all... It's not all bribing.
I've had situations where I've gone into a place and I've dropped a bunch of auto parts off at a chrome shop.And the guy goes, it's going to probably be about five, six weeks.And I go, is there any way we can speed that up?
And he goes, well, not really. It's just a line, and you're in your place, and it's about five or six weeks.And I go, look, I don't mind paying extra.
That's what I should have said.
If you want to have one of your guys come in on a Saturday and do my shit, I'll pay him, and we can get my shit back in a couple weeks. Yeah, no.And it's like, I'm not asking you to suck any dick or mule cocaine into Tijuana.
I'm just saying I want to actually physically pay you and pay your guy to do my shit.And it's like, no.And it's weird.Like, it's almost like, no.
Why won't that safe open up for you?
I don't know.But there was a time when I would imagine the, you know, Frank Sinatra, like all the fucking Rat Packers, they just left the house with a wad of 20s in case there was trouble.You know what I mean?
Like if you ran over a Mexican or a hooker got a little mouthy and you had to beat the shit out of her or whatever, you know, it was a little incident, then it'd be like, all right, just peel off.Yeah.
And, you know, maybe you're heading to the lat... Just clean up the mess. Yeah, and like you're heading out, and you're going, where are we going?We're going to Latin Quarter.Well, geez, did anyone call ahead and make reservations?
And the guy just hold up his wand.Here's our reservations.And you just peel off a couple 20s, hand it to the maitre d'.
Now I feel like everything's like, sir, you need to swipe your card, and we need to get ID, and you didn't make reservations, and we can't get, you know, it's like, it's that kind of thing.It's not fucking worth being rich anymore.
To get rich would just be, you know, a guy finds something in your fucking bag he shouldn't find.
Guy pull you over on the fuckin' turnpike of Jersey in 1962, give me a fuckin' license with 20 bucks, tucked in, make a little licensed taco with 20 bucks and slip it through the window to the guy, and the guy just tell you to get the fuck outta here.
That was a different time, I mean, when... It was a better time!When did... Drinking and driving become a crime.That's a serious question.
Adam's still waiting for it.
They used to, I mean... Because it used to be you could just slam into cars, these guys are all over the road, slam into parked cars.
It would be, it would, I think back in the day, well now everyone, everyone's, everyone is, I think everyone's a star fucker, but they're also a star fucker and I'm gonna drop a load on your forehead.
Like, not only do they want Mel Gibson's autograph, but they also want to be the guy who busts Mel Gibson.See, I think it's inverse.
It used to be, if you were Cary Grant and a cop pulled you over, they'd do the, you know, they'd come around, do the, oh, Mr. Grant, it seems like you've been over-served tonight.Please let me escort you back to your home.
And then he'd basically, you'd follow the cop back to the house.That was back in the day.
Now, I would say if they saw Brad Pitt and it looked like he was close to being drunk, you want to be the guy who goes back to the precinct and goes, guess who busted Brad Pitt?
So now, even if it was a guy they didn't recognize, let's say Brad Pitt, so it used to be like this. Civilian here, celebrity way above them, and now it's civilian here, celebrity below them.
Which is, if it was a dude that was like, maybe had a couple beers, but you're sort of, you might go, listen bud, just slow it down and get the fuck out of here.
But if it's Mel Gibson, you gotta fucking pull him out of the car now and hope that you're the dude who busted Mel Gibson.Yeah.
Yeah.That sort of stuff doesn't happen in Canada, by the way.Another reason to move up there.
Because the cops drunk too?Cops are drunk, everyone's hammered.Look, I got this lampshade on.Now listen, I ride a motorcycle, it offers a certain degree of protection.
Is texting and driving allowed there?Because that is how I'm going to die if I don't change something soon.
Everyone is texting and driving, right?Everyone's doing it.
Well, not all the people.
The people who are up my ass about it are not.
In Canada, is there such a thing as a jaywalking ticket?
Yes, actually.Oh, there is?Yeah, they're kind of super diligent about that sort of thing.They're diligent about dumb crimes.
Let me tell you how the Will Sasso jaywalking ticket would go. Sir, I noticed you and your tremendous calves.Wow.Hold on.Steve, get over here.Look at us.What were we talking about?
You have a hell of a day.Do me a favor.Do you want me to, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, officer, do you want me to, or constable, do you want me to step up on the curb like so?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.Do that part where you put the balls of your feet on the curb first.Just the one leg, and the other one down here?Yeah, yeah, yeah.Alright.That's good.Hold it, hold it there.You got any maple butter on you?
Let me grab, yeah, I got some Utterbomb, but hold on.Oh, okay.Let me get my dash, where's my dashboard cam when I need it? Oh, that's right, it's on the dashboard.I'm going to just put a little of that maple butter right here.
Let me go ahead and just position the car so I can get a shot of this.
Well, I can just stand on the hood.You got a dash cam?Oh, could you?You think that'd be?Yeah, sure.I don't want to get in too much trouble.No, no, no.I could sit on the roof and just put my feet down on the hood here.What do you think of that?
It's getting hot in this cruiser.You don't mind if I loosen my belt up just a little bit, do you?
It's minus 10.You know, defrosters being what they are today.It's just these damn holsters.They really bind. Why don't you take that ulster off if it's bothering you?Yeah, if you don't mind.
I'll just spread out a little bit here.Because it's hot.Will, you keep going on that bumper there with those toe races.
Maybe I can just buff out this with just my high quarters.Oh, my calves seem to flex when I do that.
Oh, my God.That was strange.Where to start?My bold blue vest is starting to make me hot now.I'm going to take it off if you don't mind.
I'm going to unleash myself if you don't mind.
I know you guys thank you officers for letting me go.I know you find it weird that I'm wearing shorts in a parka.
Yeah Yeah, those dolphin shorts really seem out of season.Yeah, well you know I Run hot I'll tell you what why don't you just jog home on the balls your feet, and we'll go ahead and follow you in the cruiser Okay, sure
Yeah, maybe we can make some money for kids.It'll be a little Terry Fox action.Sure.Just on the balls of my feet?Just stay up on the balls.Yeah, that's perfect.Okay.All right.You want to run the siren?Yeah, we'll do that.
We'll go serpentine.I'll do what I call a traffic brake.Nothing on the heels, though.
Remember, that's bad for you.
Stay on the balls of the feet.
Heels don't touch the ground.
Almost.Yeah. And listen, if you pass your house, keep going.We'll circle around.I don't live here anymore, so as long as you need me to... I haven't checked into the hotel yet, so... As a matter of fact... You know what, let's just call it off.
I'm good.You wanna drive?You wanna hit the Quiznos?
Yeah, let's head back to the station.
Yeah, we'll go ahead and do what you gotta do.Let's get by the Quiznos first.
Yeah.Have a good night.Yeah.Hey, good night.Yeah, good night.
Obama.They did the old jack off to the calves in Canada dashboard cam bit.That bit.That old bit.You can't miss that bit.Yeah.Larry Fine was doing that in about a billion days.Yeah.Cops jerking off to calves bit.
I've heard it so many times, but it always cracks me up.
What are we doing in the news?
All right, so Obama went on Fallon last night and talked about comedy and what comedy he's into.And he mentioned Key and Peele, who've been guests on this show.
So let's watch that clip.
Because a lot of people are talking about that today, that Obama mentioned Key and Peele.
Do you watch comedies?Do you watch movies?What makes you laugh?
Let's be honest.Have you ever seen the show?
I love the Jimmy Fallon show.What makes me laugh, you know, I don't get a chance to watch a lot of TV and a lot of movies these days.You know, I'll date myself.You know, comedy is when people ask me, what kind of comedy is you like?
I'll say, you know, Groundhog Day, which I realized came out before these guys were born. It is a great movie.But it is a great movie.How about, do people ever send you links from YouTube or something?Yeah, they do.
The, you know, dancing bears and kitty cats and things.Although, there is one that my staff showed me recently by these guys Key and Peele on Comedy Central. They've got a guy who imitates me pretty well.
And the premise is I'm sitting in the Oval Office and he's got an anger translator named Luther.So I'll make my little speech and then Luther will come on and say, I can't actually repeat.
Okay, and then I want to see it.
I just picked up sounder on black right by the way So here's the key and he'll get it'll sink in Before I begin I just want to say that I know a lot of people out there Google sounder.I don't get angry I That's just not true.I get angry a lot.
It's just that the way I express passion is different from most.So, just so there's no more confusion, we've hired Luther here to be my anger translator.Luther.
First off, concerning the recent developments in the Middle Eastern region, I just want to reiterate our unflinching support for all people and their right to a democratic process.
Hey, all y'all dictators out there, keep messing around and see what happens.Just see what happens.Watch!
Also, to the governments of Iran and North Korea, We once again urge you to discontinue your uranium enrichment program.
Hey, Mahmoud, Kim Jong, I think I already done told both y'all.86 your shit, bitches, or I'm gonna come over there and do it for y'all.Please test me and see what happens.
On the domestic front, I just want to say to my critics, I hear your voices, and I'm aware of your concerns.So maybe you can chill the hell out for like a second, then maybe I can focus on some shit, you know?
That goes for everybody, including members of the Tea Party.Oh, don't even get me started on these motherfuckers right here!I can assure you that we will be looking for new compromises with the GOP in the months ahead.
And you know these motherfuckers gonna say no before I even suggest some shit!
I know that a lot of folks say that I haven't done a good job at communicating my accomplishments to the public.
Because y'all motherfuckers don't listen!
Since being in office, we've created three million new jobs.
Three million new jobs.We ended the war in Iraq.Ended the war, y'all.We ended a war.Remember that?
By the way, Ryan Seacrest has all of those three million jobs.They never talk about that.
It's a technicality.That's right.My intentions, as your president, are coming from the right place.
They're coming from Hawaii, which is where I'm from, which is in the United States of America, y'all.Okay?This is ridiculous.I have a birth certificate.I have a birth certificate.
It's good stuff.And those guys are really good guys.Mad TV alums.Oh, yeah.That's right.
Funny.Funny guys.And they were great when they came on the show.I just remember their story was great.I just love those guys.So cool and surreal to have the president talking about you.That's amazing. Yeah.I know.Could you imagine?
I mean, there was no such thing back in the day.Now, but where do you guys stand?Like, there's a part of me that likes the president being cool.And then there's a part of me that likes the president being the president.
And I sometimes worry that the reason when I was in Minneapolis three days ago and a guy got onto the elevator with no shirt on, like literally just in the middle of a hotel.He wasn't coming from the pool.
He literally just, we stopped on, I don't know, floor six, floor seven, and the door opened, and he just was shirtless.Like he wasn't wearing swim trunks and had a towel around his, he was just a dude.
His ensemble for the night did not include a shirt.
Yes.Mike, please stop me if I'm exaggerating here.
Absolutely not.Yeah, it was about floor six and he, yeah, he had diamond earrings, shirtless.Wow.Guy was cut.He looked good.
Maybe he got a look at Will's calves.
He just got on the fucking elevator.This was after the show, too.This was maybe about midnight.
Yeah.And we Flown around with enough guys wearing cutoff sweats and a wife beater to realize maybe we're getting too casual as a society.
I don't want to sound like Grandpa Corolla here, but there's a certain point when you're traveling next to a guy and he's just wearing a fucking Hanes V-neck and he's got a little gravy stain on it and you can see part of his sack because he didn't decide he didn't want to wear underpants and he's wearing fucking cutoffs and you're like, hey buddy, we're flying together.
How about there's just a certain level of decency here, and I wonder with the president like I feel like maybe yeah That's all broken down that formality.
You don't want him to be you don't want him to be cool I remember George Bush senior went on Arsenio and said that his favorite song was the curly shuffle, and it was a similar time I don't like
the president using social media.I don't like seeing, or anyone super official who is in a position of authority who you want to, I don't know, like seeing them on Twitter because in your timeline it's like, you know, you and then Obama.
Yeah, I want him to be this guy who everyone calls Mr. President, who's never fucking heard of anything you've ever heard of, who's never eaten at an El Pollo Loco, like just a non-human being, always like, I don't want to see him in a t-shirt, I don't want to see him in jogging shorts.
You don't want to see him in Us Magazine stars, they're just like us.
Right.I want him in a suit with an American flag on the lapel and reading off a teleprompter.Just four years of that and then go off and do whatever you want to do after that.
I felt uncomfortable when I saw President Obama drinking a beer.And you'd think that I'd want to see that.But I'm just like, no, don't.You might get buzzed.Don't do that.That's right.Like you'd have a beer.Right.
Beyonce is People Magazine's most beautiful woman in the world.The magazine hits stands Friday.In it, Beyonce says, quote, I feel more beautiful than I've ever felt because I've given birth.
Now, I have never given birth, but my hunch is that I wouldn't feel beautiful afterwards.I feel wet and in pain.Mike, did Claire feel beautiful after birth?
I don't think so, no.No, there's nothing beautiful about it.You're fucking worn out, you're tired, you pissed at the kids.You pissed on yourself.Yeah.
This whole thing where we have to turn the whole pregnancy into the most beautiful thing and she's glowing.Glowing if you mean a lot of zits and facial hair.Yeah.You know what this competition really needs to get down to?
Who guys want to fuck the most?
I'm the most fuckable woman in the world.
I'll put a finer point on it. Who amongst the rich dudes would pay the most to fuck whom?You know what I mean?Because that's kind of the bottom line.It's not who's reading People, but I would like to see that.
I always feel like a couple of postmenopausal chicks and three gay guys arrive at this answer.It's never anybody I hang out with.You're not drawn to her?
No, Beyonce is beautiful and Beyonce is really sweet and she was really nice to us and like I said she came on Loveline and back when they were Destiny's Child and they did the whole sort of a cappella, say my name and all that shit and they're really sweet and nice and I totally respect her but
Jennifer Aniston doesn't need to make the top ten every fucking year And it's a weird double-edged sword because it's like as a guy as a red-blooded dude.I look at her and I go Oh, yeah, she's absolutely gorgeous and no one's turning her away.
No one's no no Guy across country is turning Jennifer Aniston away right and yet.No, this is a complete lie Yes, there's like if you want to talk if you want to get down to brass tacks is about 450 porn stars, right?
The guys would rather fuck before Jennifer Aniston.Thank you
But they'd also like to fuck Jennifer Aniston, so I think the the people magazine should be you know It should maybe be the top 10,000 fuckable women And then maybe we get to some the porn stars that you'd want to fuck before her Do you consider them beautiful or just fuckable like is there a difference?
Boy, yeah, there is a huge difference.
I would say that Beyonce is much more beautiful than the average porn star Yeah, I'm just saying if it was an all-out worldwide bidding war of who got to like you just open it up Like they do that thing with dudes all the time.
They never do it with chicks.They always do it with dudes We're trying to raise money for charity.So you can all the day you can go out with Brody Jenner to brunch, you know And it's like one of those things And some spinster kicks over $6,500.
They can't do it with a woman, by the way.
No.It has a different connotation.
And possibly a black dude.Either way, if you just said, look, worldwide, who's coughing up the most dough for who, that'd be an interesting way to do it.
And do you have a hunch who would win?
Well, like, for instance, like if we're just talking about just a one night, you know, just one thing.
Well, it depends, because if I had, like, unlimited cash, I'd probably go for something weird, like I'd get Hayden Panettiere and I'd get in a dolphin outfit and just fuck the shit out of her.You know what I mean?Just scream, scream.
Just laughing maniacally, drinking malt liquor. I'd go for something weird, you know what I mean?
Right.So that's if you had unlimited funds.
That's if I had unlimited cash.What if you were a little strapped?If you're on a budget.An annuity, for example.For instance, you know that super hot blonde chick who's in that Sandler movie called Just Go With It or something like that?
Jennifer Aniston? No, yeah, yeah, you know what let's just go let's go with your co-star from Brooklyn Decker Kate Upton, Brooklyn Decker like people like that if you're just talking about like no shot you got no shot girls and you got one night
Beyonce, you'd be wasting your time with a lot of talk.You'd be talking about solo careers and how the rest of Destiny's Child feels.Are they allowed to use the name?Do you own the name?Can you say the name?
But with Brooklyn, just be like, we're just fucking out of fuck.That'd be it.We don't have anything to talk about.At some point, I'd go, what was Adam Sandler like?And she'd go, he was actually, and I'd go, I was just kidding, bitch.Keep sucking.
Yeah, and don't forget the blowhole.
Boobs.No, I wouldn't be in the dolphin outfit for her.
How many outfits do you have for this kind of hypothetical situation?
Sometimes I combine them.They're really confusing.I can't think of a situation.Clan Dolphin?
Clan Dolphin?Uh-huh.Yeah.All right.You gotta make sure the hood doesn't go over his blowhole.Yeah.I want to write an article.
You guys did that sketch in Man TV, didn't you?Oh yeah, we had Clan Dolphin.Yeah.Or was that Saturday Night Live?I don't remember.No, it had a theme song.It was Saturday Night Live.Only all-white Alba Cortuna was let into your meetings.
Well, Sofia Vergara is also on the most beautiful list.Also in Three Stooges.Oh, there you go.She's 39, but was not let into a bar because she didn't have ID.
She was refused entry to the Ava Lounge at the Dream Midtown Hotel in New York on her way into a party for Broadway show Ghost the Musical.A doorman asked for ID.She had none on her. Her friends said, you know who she is, right?
And I don't know how much attitude was in that.
I'd put her on my list and I'd nail her dress as a minute man.And I don't mean old timey.I mean, I'm talking about Arizona rancher.
Border guy.Yeah.Texas rancher.Do you think she'd be into that?
Like more than if you were dressed as a dolphin or a band member?
I hope not.That's part of the reason I shelled out the big bucks.
You know what I mean?I want them to think about it for the rest of their lives.
I don't want them to ever forget.Mm-hmm.Dolphin waist down, Minuteman waist up.That's the way I go.
Dolphin with a rifle.Or a high-powered scope.
You're like some kind of... Greek figure.
Where does Cameron Diaz fit into all this?
She's not on my list.She does not make it on the list.She makes it on my real life list, but not my magazine list.You know what I'm saying?My unrealistic list.
She makes it on my... It's good to have a recognizable name on there.
It's kind of like when the Rams It's like when the when the Rams took Joe Namath like I didn't have any years left in him, but I sold some jerseys Put some fannies and some seats, you know what I mean?
Yeah.Yeah, you know, I I ran into I should You know what I'm saying?I'm just trying to move some tickets.I would liken Cameron Diaz to Joe Montana with the Chiefs at this point.That's right.He's not in his primes.
Maybe got a couple years left in him.Let's take him to the playoffs, but let's be honest.We're not going anywhere. Cameron Diaz overrated and overrated not because there's anything wrong with her.She's not curvy enough.She's flat.
You know what I mean?I don't mean flat chested.I just mean like sort of playing card flat, you know, and she's blonde and she's blue eyed and she's skinny and she has a great attitude that everyone digs.
Like every third movie, every third movie is like her dancing in her underpants and It's like at some point the director goes, I got a great idea for a scene.Get in your underpants and dance.And she's like, this is Civil War period piece.
And you're like, sweetie, I think I know what we're doing.Let's go.And she just like dances in her underpants and you go, that's a fun chick.Like she's surfing and she's dancing and it's cool.But she ain't Brooklyn Decker hot.
She's just, I'm dancing in my underpants and I'm fun.
But they're all, but really, honestly, like Cameron Diaz is, again, it's sort of an unrealistic thing.You guys will sit around and crack a beer and go, yeah, I wouldn't.She made me in 1998.Fuck you.You do her.
And I kind of feel like as many chicks are on like the People Magazine.He's attacking you.No, no.Here's what I'm saying.
There's actually, what they should do is if there's like, if there's like 25 girls on the list, there should be like a reality show where they get that millionaire and he shells out the money.
And if he, if he has sex with one of them, he has to have sex with all of them. You can't exclude anyone.
I know that I'd probably do, even if someone like, I don't know, because they always throw those gals on that don't belong on there, like Rosie O'Donnell.I don't know who would be on there, but I think I'd go through Rosie O'Donnell to get to
Cameron Diaz with hopes of perhaps getting to Brooklyn Decker.I'd go through that.Listen, the day is young, Will.
This is not necessarily an unrealistic scenario.But Rosie O'Donnell would be like, finally someone fatter than me is going to fuck me.That's going to be such a breath of fresh air.Oh, thank God, finally I get to get on top.
Would you go through Rosie O'Donnell to get to Rosie Perez?
It depends on who's after Rosie Perez.Alright, my penis is going to explode.
I might even go through Rosie Perez to get the Rosie O'Donnell.
Rosie Greer is behind both of them.
I have not seen Rosie Perez in a while. Plus, I have the problem with her, the same problem I have with Carly Simon, which is I feel like her mouth would dwarf my penis.That's why my whole thing is Bernadette Peters.Oh, right.
Mouth the size of a dime.
Yeah.She does have a beautiful little mouth.That's right.
That's the news.I'm Alison Rosen, Zip It Cunt.
That was the news with Allison Rosen.
Yeah.Will, you like going to sporting events, do you?Do I?That's what I like.You want to save some money?Of course.Then you go to scorebig.com.You save up to 60% from the bleachers to the front row.
You want Lakers tickets, you want Dodgers tickets, it doesn't matter.Kings?Kings are in the playoffs, right?
Yeah, they just knocked out the Vancouver Canucks.
How come I've seen, I feel like I've seen a lot of hockey, you know, Barry Melrose talking hockey, it's crazy a lot, and they're fighting and there's all this stuff, there's a lot of Penguins talk and all that, and I've not seen anything about the Kings.
They just kind of quietly took out the Canucks, and yeah, not as much fighting, but it's been a very violent postseason in the NHL.Oh, good for them.Score big, everybody.
Scorebig.com.They'll tell you instantly if your offer's accepted.You just make them an offer.Like, you go, hey man, I want to be right behind home plate at Dodger Stadium when the Expos come to town.
I don't know how much money you want, but I will make it worth your while.Click on the radio button and enter the code.
Always less than full price never any fees score big dot-com promo code Adam and Will you travel right all the time you're on the set you're going back to your native Canadia back to Canada go to my PC.
You can get to your home computer How many times you've been you've had something on your home computer?You're like damn.I'm on the set I'm in my trailer.I want to get to it
I got my iPad and I need to access something quick.
That's right.What the fuck do I do?Go to My PC, brought to you by Citrix.It'll work on your iPad, your laptop, your iPhone, your Android tablet.Will's got all those, because he's a big man.One for each cat.
Right in your office computer, your home computer, you can try it out for free.45 days free.A free trial, only if you use the promo code ADAM.Visit gotomypc.com, click on the try it free button, and remember,
Promo code Adam will sasso just get a fat ass for like no money the movie three stooges directed by the Farrelly brothers and Out as we speak the podcast always available on iTunes the Twitter at will sasso will always a pleasure my brother Thanks for having me
Again, a delight.The great Will Sasso, Alison Rosen, and Paul Bryan.Until next time, this is Adam Carolla saying, mahalo.
Alright, that's Adam Carolla Show 809.Coming up next, we're going back a couple hundred episodes to 2011.We have Adam Carolla Show 504, Milana Ubac, Alison Rosen, and Brian Bishop.Check it out.
And now, cold filtered and unpasteurized, Adam Carolla.
Yeah, get it on.Got to get it on, no choice but to get it on.Mandate, get it on.I'm going to tip my cap to one of our fine sponsors.Go to meeting. Difficult to get those online meetings started.You can take the first step by going to GoToMeeting.
That's right.GoToMeeting brought to you by Citrix.It's easy.It's reliable.Beautiful, wonderful service.Anyone can join in seconds without any technical headaches.Schedule meetings and sales calls with one click.
Hold unlimited meetings for one low flat rate and you get a free 30 day trial.Just visit gotomeeting.com.That's gotomeeting.com.Click on the try it free button and enter the promo code Adam. Back.Oh my God, am I tired.
Jesus shit, I left Denver this morning at five o'clock our time and I'm just wrung the shit out.Had a good time in Denver.I want to thank all the folks out in the Denver area for coming out and selling out our shows and listening to this podcast.
Evidently, you know, it was so funny about the 50th person that says, you get me through my shitty job.Mike Lynch said, thank God everyone's got a shitty job out there.
Because if they had satisfying jobs where they liked the sound of their boss's voice or something like that. You guys know what that's like.We'd be out of business.Everyone just said.And it's the best compliment that can be paid.It really is.
Which is, I was here and I was miserable and you brought me away from that place.
I wish I had been able to listen to this podcast when I had a shitty job.
Yeah, me too.You didn't miss much.I wish I could have heard me when I had a shitty job.I did hear me in my own head going, this job sucks, this job sucks, this job sucks.
Without the music, it's not the same.
I realize we are sort of like what a sparrow with a broken wing is to a convict.Where it's a little ray of sunshine, it's a little hope inside its dank cell.
Yes, we are, or we're like the little animals for Cinderella.When she was, you know, stuck down there being a scullery maid, they helped her.
Yeah, I know I have to say yes, Anne, so you're absolutely 100% correct.
I feel supported, thank you.
Damn it, damn you groundlings and your lousy training.The oath I took to say yes and, and not only that but.Bitten by your own improvisation.Yeah.
So wait, no matter what I say, you'll say yes and?Yes.
Not only them but?Not only that but, but yes, and.Allison is great.Yes and!
Not only that, but... She's pretty.Yes, and... I like her hair.Speaking of that, speaking of Allison, and I met your parents on Thursday night.
Thanks, you guys, for coming out to the Universal over there at the John Lovitz Theater and watching us do the show.We'll do another one.I think we're going to try to do one just about every Thursday night.
If you want to see the show live, tickets are cheap.Come on out.Saw Allison's dad, very damper. We're in a pinstripe suit with a vest.
I know.When I saw him, I was like, wow, that suit is so striped.My dad dresses like a normal person every day, but when he dresses up, he dresses like a black pimp.
You were going to say carnival barker.Yeah, when he said normal.
Urson.What does your dad do?Well, he's retired, but he was a doctor.
But he wishes he was in the mafia, hence the suit.
Yeah, somebody thought maybe he was.No offense, Dad.
Wow.The suit was that convincing?He would be so happy to hear this.
I think it was a little tongue-in-cheek, but you know. But, you know, let's say like he was, you know, turning chicks out or anything, but just like maybe running numbers, you know, that kind of thing.
Yeah.So he's retired.Is that a Jewish crack?Yeah.But he looks great.It does sound like it, doesn't it?And mom looks spectacular.Lovely hair.I see where you guys got it.Your mom has, she has like the hair of a 19-year-old.It's hot.Thank you.Yeah.
Give that hair a good working over. And it was nice to see your folks out there.Nice to see them supporting you and the show and all that kind of stuff.
Oh, they loved it.And they were, I mean, I think they were telling you they were very, very impressed with your show carrying abilities.
Your dad gave me the thing.I heard from my own dad too. 10 years after I started on TV, which is, you're funny.And I went, yeah, I know.It's 2006, Pops.I've been on since 95.And he's like, yeah, no, but you're funny.
And I'm hearing funny, but my other ear's hearing, oh, you've never heard me talk before, have you? I do understand people don't just, people don't sit around, they don't just go up on stage and just be funny.Usually they work something out.
And so then when people see the show, then they go, hey, but it's really just them experiencing that. is sort of watching it.You know what I mean?Right.
Because I think when you do other things, either they're not fully invested, or they think there's some smoke and mirrors or something, and then they actually go and experience it.
That pure, unadulterated funniness.
Yeah.Yeah, no, that's not.Well, I sort of mean that.But what I mean more is like, I think when, I think that they expect that there's going to be, they can see that there's no strings and no nets.
when they come in person, when they come out in person.Yeah.Yeah, I'm not saying it's like, wow.It's not that I get any funnier if you come see the show.I'm the same amount of funny.
You just see me doing it without any aides or, yeah, that kind of stuff.So, or something.I don't know what goes on in the mind, but I have experienced that.Hey, it's also that most people who are funny aren't really very funny.
So most people sort of walk around with their arms sort of folded, like, yeah, funny guy.A lot of people claim to be funny, make me laugh.
And then when you are actually funny, at some point, when you are funny in front of them, they give you the, hey!But it's always a weird one, because it's sort of like, I'm gonna- Like, didn't you know that?I'm gonna let you know.
My dad let me know somewhere around the age of 39 that I was funny.Like, he's like, hey, wow. That's funny.This is funny.
Yes.If I were you, I'd be like, I've been this way the whole time you've known me.And I've actually had a career at it for a while.
Ironically, it was after Love Line went off the air, the TV show, The Man Show, Crank Anchors.That was all in the past by the time I'd gotten to this stage.So I think maybe not having basic cable may have tripped him up just a little bit.
All right, but anyway, thanks to all the folks over in Denver who do think I'm funny.We took a tour of the Coors plant.We went to Red Rock, which was awesome.
All I can do, by the way, when I travel around is just see it through the lenses of a guy who was born out here in LA, and I just think, everything I pass, I, by the way, go, why doesn't it have graffiti on it?
We drove from Denver, or around Denver, to Golden, Colorado, and I must have passed,
72 miles of freeway barrier, just big slabs of, you know, cinder block, you know, 14 feet high and just running along the sound barrier that just stopped it from hopping and getting into the neighbor's yard.
And I was just, I hung my head out the window like a retarded puppy.And I just hung my head up like, why is there no graffiti on any of these walls?Where's the graffiti?What?Where?Why is there no?These are blank canvases.
Like, you would not see this in LA.You would not, you know, there's nothing.So did you tag them? Oh yes, I got drunk, I got a 12-pack, and me and August went back that night to finish the job.
We did a couple of shows, and when I got back to my room, that's a picture of us at the Coors Brewery.
They made you wear a vest?Orange vest?
There's no such thing as going anywhere where you don't put eye protection and vests on and hard hats.We weren't doing anything, but they still made me put the stupid vest on.You were drinking. Not bad, yeah.
I got back to my room and I turned on Bill Maher's show, or actually I just turned on the TV and there he was.And I like Bill Maher.I like the show.
I sometimes agree with him, sometimes don't, but I always have that thing where you go, okay, this guy's good.And you have to do that.I mean, you have to go, I hate when people go, I disagree with this guy, he sucks. That's incorrect.
You know, Rush Limbaugh's not bad.You disagree with him.He's actually good.You just disagree with him.But don't confuse that with bad.Don't put them together, yeah.Yeah.Sushi's not bad.You don't like sushi.But there is such a thing as bad sushi.
That'll make you sick.So let's not call this good sushi bad sushi.Let's call you a person that doesn't eat sushi or doesn't like sushi or doesn't like people eat sushi.
Thank you.So now I'm hungry.
Now I'm thinking of bad sushi.
Bill Maher, I disagree with, you know, two thirds of the time, but I love his candor and he's just, you know, he's great at his job.He's just good at it.And I was watching him.
He had his panel on and I just turned it on and he had Tavis Smiley next to him. And I'm actually in front of him and Tavis Smiley's a dick.I mean, he's a fucking jackass.
I remember, I don't know, he was on a show once or someone was a guest on his show and he talked about like Islamic terrorism.He's like, don't kid yourself. There's killing in the name of Christianity going on in this country every day.
And they're called terrorists.So I just thought, yeah, Dick, that's why I'm waiting in this huge line at the airport because there's a bunch of Christians that are out of control running amok.
That's why I'm fucking taking my shoes off, my belt off, pulling my pants out. down around my ankles because of the Christian terrorist problem.And they'll point out like Tim McVeigh or something like that.Like, oh, yes, I understand.It happens.
But we're talking about a bigger problem here.And so he does this bullshit thing that it's sort of a cloaked, I hate this country, which is every time someone tries to bring up a problem.
And by the way, the only way you can fix a problem is to identify it.
call it a problem, admit it's a problem, whether it's, you know, hair loss, alcoholism, or terrorists, you have to sort of go, okay, it's a problem, and then you have to go after it, or do something about it.
Was hair loss and alcoholism directed at Brian and me?
I did, I did, but I looked at you for hair loss and I looked at Brian for alcoholism.
Those are radio names.We're going morning show.Mornings of hair loss and alcoholism.
That's when it's the most pronounced.
Hey everybody, back sack and ass crack.They've been moved to drive time.I don't want you to meet hair loss and alcoholism. So I'm just thinking, what a dick.I hate this guy.
And I know it's like one of these guys, he thinks he's a fucking patriot because he's asking all the right questions and making us think.And isn't that what this country is about?But then I just realized he's just a dick and he hates this country.
And at a certain point, Bill Maher gets on this, hey, the terrorists or these countries, they got to start treating their ladies a little better.And guess what?You said that. Of course.
Bill and I might share the same brain because, it was the same bank account, because everyone, my whole career has come up and said to me, Bill Maher ripped off your thing on his show again, like that thing you do with the crows or whatever.
Whatever he did.And they would tell me that all the time.And I never accused him of stealing it.I just thought, eh, we're kind of wired the same way.But yes, he did a thing that said, these people got to start treating their ladies a little better.
And guess what?Tavis had to explain that we don't treat our ladies very well either.Let's listen.And I fucking hate this kind of debating.Let's listen.
And we do not know the details of what happened there.But I think it's fair to say Muslim men have a bad attitude about women in general.
And I would just like to say to them that you're never going to have this revolution happen unless there is also a sexual revolution that goes with it.There you go. Really, Thomas?Muslim men don't have a problem with women?
No, I'm not going to argue that.Let me just say up front, I agree with you.I was going to cut your head off.No, no, no.Better my head than what Kevin... Alright, alright.
I was going to say that, first of all, obviously what happened to Lara Logan is reprehensible, horrific.We can't find a language to describe what happened to her.
But having said that, if our democracy bill, if our readiness for democracy in this country is based upon, determined by, demonstrated by our respect for women, then we ain't ready for democracy in this country.Great point.
Put on pause for a second.What are they talking about?You're fucking nuts.Don't you love that?The guy just makes a blanket statement like, hey, Muslim men, stop backhanding your bitches, which they're known for.And then someone's got a discreet bill.
And let's shine the light on this country.Right.And he's going to go on and make this fucking argument where it's like, Even if we're 2% and they're 92%, we're still just as bad.And it's like, no, we're not.
Because there's something called stealing a bag of chips, and then there's arson, and then there's murder.Do you know what I mean?There's crimes, there's degrees, it's all over the place.
I feel like that was just blatant lady ass-kissing on Have a Smile is Hard.
That said, very effective.
That's it.There.That's it.That being said.All right.Yeah.All right.Well, let's keep it rolling.
Let's see how this goes.You think this country, the men in this country have an attitude that even comes close?
I'm suggesting to you, if you think that the way we treat women in this country, with patriarchy still alive and well, sexism still alive and well, is determinative or demonstrative of how well our democracy works?
You don't understand how maltreated women are still then in this society.
He's telling us to wake up and smell the coffee.What's going on in this country?Really? By the way, Tavis, amongst a couple of guys you grew up with, perhaps, but this nation as a general, no, no.And stop saying, doing that bullshit.
It's that same fucking thing that comes along every year with Martin Luther King Day or whatever.It's like, hey, you know, we've, we've come a long way, but do not kid yourself.We got a long, long way to go.No, you don't.
You got, you got a little way to go.Not that far.And most of it's on you.It's not, we got a long bullshit.Compared to who?Compared to what other nation? It's the same bullshit.That said.That said.We got a long way to go.
That said, but still.Also, Tavis Smiley looks nothing like what I expected.And I don't know what I expected, but I just know that name.And then I was like, that's who goes with that name?
Not smiling nearly enough.Now he's pointing out how poorly we treat our bitches. Well, you know.
You look nothing like Guy Smiley on Sesame Street.
I remember when your dad came backstage.We were in the green room after the show.He was informing me for the first time that I was funny.
He actually said you're amazing, but I think it's interesting that you remember what he said is you're funny.
Oh, he was great.No, I thought it was great because I saw that he meant it, but then I remember your Your mom piped up, and your dad just backhanded her.Just right there.She held her head that direction, which meant she knew it was coming.
Yeah, that's what I was going to say.And that was in front of me, so I don't know what... The minute he lifted his hand, she flinched.She flinched, yeah.
And after all the years that he's been beating her, you'd think that she would get over the flinch, but you don't really get over it.
You don't, no.I mean, I know that.It's like when you try to get rid of your gag reflex.You just can't do it.
I can power through.Yes and.But no, every now and then it comes up.
Your dad in the pinstripe suit just fucking open a can of whoop-ass on your mom almost every night.It goes with the suit.It's like the movie Casino.
You have to if you're going to wear a suit like that.
Only when he puts the suit on.Let's hear the rest of Tavis's awesome argument.
You have no perspective.I'm saying you have no perspective.No.
Go ahead.If you look at the history of the United States, I would say that actually democracy leads to better attitudes toward women because when the United States was founded, of course, women couldn't vote.Right.African-Americans couldn't vote.
And we got there eventually.
So I think you've got it reversed.
No, I don't. By the way, people are arguing with Bill on this point?In Egypt, women, if you want to divorce your husband, you have to go to court.If a man wants to divorce his wife, he just has to say what they call the triple talak or something.
I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee.That must happen like on the first fight.It must be so... I've been trying to have 12 years of marriage.It doesn't work.
In Saudi Arabia, women cannot drive a car, sail a boat, fly a plane, which is why their tampon heads are just horseback riding.
Um, Tavis got to jump in.Bill, Bill, that's it at the end of the day.
In the end, people have a right to self-determination, but you're saying that they shouldn't have to... How does a continuously strong man rule against a better attitude?
Why is this cunt arguing with Bill on this point?Because she's got a mouth.Right.The women are sort of already there.You have to bring along the men, and I know this is anecdotal, but, you know, talk to women who've ever dated an Arab man. Thank you.
Thank you.You must understand, my friend.Sounds like Jim Hill.
He didn't even say anything controversial.
Every man I've ever dated has a sense of entitlement.I don't know.
Bitch, why are you backing this? He made a statement that every human being that's been on this planet more than six months I think understands basically that the Arab dudes need to treat the women just a little bit better.It's not that anecdotal.
It's on the books.You haven't walked in their shoes.
Who are you to judge?They come from an entirely different
She was doing the thing that she's super liberal and he's super black and he's making a point about this country being crappy or as crappy as another nation and anytime you're really liberal and someone's making the case that this country's kind of crappy or don't judge these other nations because you know it's that sort of thing where you go
Somebody goes, hey man, we got to do something in Mexico with all these drug wars going on.And then some other guy goes, yeah, who do you think's buying those drugs?That's right, the rich kids in Orange County.And that's what's fueling it.
And then you got to jump in.Somehow everything's a mirror that just deflects.It's a fucking handball court where everything just gets bounced right back at you.And so she's confused because on one hand he's saying, treat the bitches better.
And the cunt's got a cunt, so she's like, that's me, but on the other hand, it's coming from the mouth of a black guy, and he's talking about how crappy this country is, so I do want to kind of side with him.
But she's doing the thing people do to arguments, which is she's digging in on principle, like she's- On nothing.She's just holding her position, and you're daring the wheels in.
Yeah.All right.Well, listen, Tavis really goes over the fucking edge here.Let's listen to this.
All I'm saying respectfully is, and I don't disagree with the fact that they've got a long way to go.
What I'm trying to suggest to you is that when we have these conversations about how they treat women, as if somehow we treat women better in this country, it demonizes Muslims.
No, it's not demonizing.That's saying that I'm prejudiced.I'm saying I'm not prejudiced.That's prejudging.I'm not prejudging.I'm judging. I'm judging.
Can we all agree?They're worse.Hold on one second.Hold it for a second.There's fucking four people.I feel like one guy is having an argument, and this happens to me and has happened to me my entire career.
There's one guy who's sane, who's having an argument with a nut job about the sky being blue.And he's going, the sky is blue.And the other guy's going, no, it's not.It's the color of a Skittles packet.
And then the other three assholes are just sitting there silently the entire time, not a bucket.And then the one bitch jumps in and goes, I think it is kind of skittly.Like nobody wants to fucking jump in and go, hey, he's right.
Now you got the fucking third guy in the panel going, Bill, you have to understand.Really?He makes a statement that says our men treat our women better than their men treat their women.And Tabitha's like, yeah, I disagree.
This guy hosted a fucking show for 10 years?
And what is he expecting?That actually the whole conversation is going to turn into how we treat our women poorly?
Well, that's the whole thing.We can't just demonize other people.We got to find a mirror.So we constantly have to find a mirror.We have to constantly look at ourselves.And again, never claim to be perfect, but let's face it.
If they treated their women like we treated our women, their women would be a fuck of a lot happier. I can tell you that right now.But here's where Tavis really goes over the fucking edge.Cultural relativist.It's not relative.
Yes, it is relative.Speaking of the Republicans?
No. I don't think there's any worse.I don't think there's a worse version of sexism.It's either right or it's wrong.It's acceptable or it's unacceptable.You're trying to shade this thing.
Let me give you two examples of how it might be worse.We talked about this a couple of years ago, but it was in the paper last week.A man in Buffalo, very successful man, a Muslim man named Mazamo Hassan.
He ran a TV network in Buffalo aimed mostly at countering Muslim stereotypes.He cut his wife's head off. Bill, I disagree.At the end of the day, I disagree with that.Boy, 15 years you get for cutting your wife's head off, that's a pretty good deal.
I gotta say, I want to talk about Lorena Bobbitt cutting off her husband's penis.Hey, that's my turn.
I'll do the dick jokes here. There are wasps who dismember things.
All these things are horrible, but are you saying they shouldn't be able to have democracy?
No, I'm not.Oh, I'm not.I want them to have democracy.That was an awesome point at all.
Ten minutes ago, a guy who's a world-class misogynist brings up the point that maybe, maybe these guys over here in these Arab countries should treat their old ladies a little bit better, and the entire cast of women and progressive guys turn on him?
I think they misunderstood his point because she clearly did if she's saying you say they can't have democracy until they change how they treat their women, which is he's not like laying down an edict.
Well, first off, people don't listen.But secondly, they're they're looking to argue.Right.
I don't even know what they're talking about, but I do know that I'm sitting next to a brother who is disagreeing with this super white guy, and we're just joining forces.They're all just sitting in a row.
I mean, what were the chances the other two would join in with Tavis on this retarded Dirge, he's going on.All right, let's just listen, because Tav's going to really go, he's going off the rails here in a second.
Dude's about women.That has to come with this, or it's never going to happen.
I disagree.Oh.This is where there's a heckler.
Someone in the audience is screaming about hellfire missiles. By the way, some of the worst bouncers in the world.Yeah, really.
They let it go on the whole time.Well, they shouldn't have mic'd the guy up.That went better in rehearsal.
All right, here's where Tavis is good.
You can still hear the guy.He's in his car now.
What happens when you and Tavis squabble?
Now, here's where Tavis really crosses the line.
Has that ever happened?Oh, yes.I once had to go into that crowd and throw a guy out myself.Still hear the guy.I think I might have to do it again. I mean, it sounds like a prepared speech.
That's all I'm saying is that, you know, an ad lib would have been a little more impressive.That was such a real time.Yeah. And by the way, had nothing to do with what we were saying.Yes, obviously, that's another issue which we could debate.
I might even be on the man's side about how much we should be having drone attacks against Afghans.
I think respectfully, Bill, that notwithstanding, I think that it might surprise us
uh... to go into our papers in this country every day everything to see stories just like this is a lot of women and a terrorist in this country every single day and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and
Especially this week.Outburst not contained.Bill, you open the papers.I like when people do that.As if we're all just gonna open the paper and we'll not, well, you know what?Rape-free Mondays.I guess no one's ever been right.You open the paper.
You see discounts.Rape-free Mondays.You see discounts.This is, uh, crap, uh, rape, uh. abuse of women's, of all colors, and all genders.Okay, okay Beale.Respectfully, and just make sure I'm just, I'm Texas, and Texas is what I'm saying.
Okay, you will see that in this country.You also see murders, criminal murders, dead murders, deceased. performed in the name of the Catholic Church.
Okay, so I responsibly reply that before we look overseas for a problem, perhaps we find a mirror right here in the United States.Thank you.Okay, thanks.Here's a valid fucking point.
This is such a valid point, because it could be somebody, a guy could punch a chick in Minnesota, in which case everything Bill said about Muslim men would be null and void.He's right.But here's where Tavis really goes off.
I mean, in this country, we treat women badly because they don't get equal pay, or someone calls you sugar tits, or something like that.
In those countries, I don't think it's comparable to cutting their heads off, not letting them drive, not letting them work.
I mean... I dispassionately disagree. And all I'm saying is, we missed the point.If what you want to do is to compare, you win that argument.But my point is, it's not about comparing.It's about either right or wrong, how we treat people.
And I think it's wrong there, and it's wrong here.It's more wrong there.So much better than we are.Degree matters.Here it comes.Malcolm X said, if you put a knife in my back,
nine inches and you put it out six you call that progress i've still got a knife in my back i don't i don't necessarily believe that degree shut the fuck up and i'd like to round up everyone in the audience and applaud at that what would you rather do make 80 cents on the dollar or have your head cut off i would rather us stop acting like that we know the answers to everything that we're always right that our way is always better all right i'm gonna vomit all over so i'd like to put my knife in his ass how many inches?
all right you can stop it
Who's applauding for Tavis Smiley?
Well, here's the problem.When the guy says, the great, the great, when the great Martin X, Y, Z, Sid, you put it out, not nine inches in my back.You pulled out three inches, you call that progress?That great man.
Listen, if I said, listen, if I said, if Tavis Smiley said, it's like the great Malcolm X once said, Let me tell you a story about a man named Jed.Poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed.And then one day, he was shooting at some foods.
And up from the ground came a bubbling cruise.Oil, that is.Black gold.Texas tea.
What are you gonna do?The black guy's quoting Malcolm X. There's gotta be eight people.They got the Coexist bumper sticker on their fucking pants.
They wanna clap.People like to clap.Clapping is fun when people talk.Fans of clapping.Yes, Brian.
Oh god, I gotta get a cadence going.
So Tavis, what a douche.So glad the fucking guy's off TV.And again, just to
This whole deal, and it's why we can't get anything done, and I'm serious, which is to say, every time somebody says, hey, you got a serious problem with drinking, and they go, I saw you drink some NyQuil last summer, and you're like, I was sick, and they're like,
Let's talk about your drinking.It's like, you had a beer when we went to the USC-UCLA game.I don't have five DUIs.Well, you don't have five.We're now missing the entire point of this intervention.
New kind of ask-kiss rodeo.Everything someone says, you have to turn the mirror back on us.
It's fucking ridiculous, Tavis.No, it's not even close.I don't know what the percentages are. It's not even close, the way we live in this patriarchal society with all this oppression of women.Really?I know it's your move, by the way.
I know it's your race move.Could you just remove women and put blacks in there and you'd have the same retarded argument?Probably worse.I mean, most fucking relationships that I'm aware of, the women are dragging the guys around by the short hairs.
No, you're fucking nuts.It's nothing like that.And you can say, hey, we could do a little better over here, but then let's focus on the problem.And Bill's right.They get their shit together in that department.
That gene is the gene you don't want to deal with.
I guarantee you, show me a country that treats, here's what it is, treats their women right, treats their dogs right, and doesn't attempt to fuck their kids when they're drunk, and I'll give you a country that does not cause trouble.
Are you saying that we don't do all those things?
You open the papers every day, Adam.
Every day.First of all, what's a paper?I don't know.He has to get one of them computer boxes.Should we take a quick break and bring on Dr. Bruce, aka Dr. Spaz, for a little Monday segment?
Dr. Bruce, aka Dr. Spaz, in the hizzy.Coming on here on a weekly basis, delivering the medical report.Dr. Spaz, what do you got for us?Oh, I forgot my... Oh, it's always a bad day.Here's the thing.
Bruce used to fill in for Dr. Drew a lot, because Dr. Drew like any of us, like the notion of getting paid for the job that you're not doing while you're out in New York, glad handing some Pfizer guys and getting paid a second time.
And I had this horrible thing where if I didn't show up for work, they didn't do the show.If Drew didn't show up for work, Bruce would just replace him.So in the 10 years I was there, I missed two days and or seven days, or whatever the hell it were.
I don't know what I missed, but Drew probably missed 500 days more than I did.But it never felt like he was abandoning the show, because we wouldn't run a Best Of.Bruce came in.But when Bruce came in with the dry hair, he'd always do a bad show.
And when he came in with the gel in his hair, he'd always do a good show.So I started to tell him, gel up, because it gives you a certain confidence.
Yeah, I'm beginning to question your dedication to this segment.
Where's your gel, buddy?It's in the car. Oh, don't do that.Don't get it.Go get it.All right, what do you got there?You're wearing your scrubs.I'm tired, just came from work.Yeah, me too.What were you doing?I was on stage in Denver.
Oh, okay.There's great stuff in the news, you know.There's Perry Moore found dead today.Overdosed on Oxycontin.Who's Perry Moore?He's the guy that did the Narnia, Chronicles of Narnia trilogy. What was he a lion producer?
No, he was the producer executive producer.
His name is Perry Moore Like the band and up here more Perry what how old was he? 39 Allison, you kill some time.So what happened?He OD'd on the OxyContin?Allegedly, they found him with his OxyContin.
What's the deal with the OxyContin and the oxycodone?
Is there cotton in oxycodone?It's a sustained release.OxyContin is the hydrocodone in a sustained release form.Oh, a different form.Essentially, all of the opiates do the same thing in the brain.
Where people get into some problems with oxycodone, they'll sustain release because it's a larger dose made to be released gradually and then they'll crush it up or use it suddenly and not.
Interesting.So it can be more powerful if you deliver it that way.Right.All right.What else is going on?Dangerous.And by the way, Dr. Bruce, he's an addiction medicine specialist as well, but he's an emergency physician and he's practicing.
He ain't just walking around with fucking makeup on all day. trying to heal ex-porn stars from their love addiction.He's at work.He's pulling bullets out of Mexicans all day long over there in Riverside or wherever the hell he's from.
Then he goes to work.Then he goes to work.
Yeah.Okay.Well, you know, we could go to the My ER Outrage of the Week.All right.Let's hear it.This is a case. I walk in Friday evening and there's an older schoolteacher, let's say between 55 and 65 years old, who she's there for what?
She's there for a CAT scan of her head because the 15-year-old student just beat her head against the floor.
Sure.Ah.But.Tavis Smiley will tell you.But my friend, that takes place all around the country, all around the world as we speak.That is not merely a domestic problem.That is not.What color was the boy who beat her?
Right, not a Jew.Not an Asian, not a Jew.But you open the paper any day, any day of the week in this country, and you will find instances of Jews beating the shit out of their professors.
One in three professors have been Jew-beaten.
Well, in this case, the patient... Many of them still bearing the scars of the Mogan David.The scars of the stars.A six-pointed star, may I say.
from the bagels.Well, my outrage was this individual.I said, well, wow.
In Hometown and beyond. Power through Bruce, power through.
Power through.This was in Fontana, a long ways from Hymietown.In a long way from Fontana.15-year-old given a ticket, not arrested.So my outrage was a continuation school 15-year-old beats up a teacher and there's no arrest.
There's a female and female teacher.That's going in the spank bank.So it's a hot 15-year-old and a male teacher. Oh, slow down.Wow.Now, doesn't that outrage you?Doesn't that shock you?Well, it's sort of this kind of...
As I think about it, it's like, how do you cook a frog?How do you boil a frog?Well, you put it in a pot of cold water, and then you just slowly, slowly, slowly turn up the heat.
You start hearing these stories, and you just turn on the news, and they're like, oh, we gotta get the, well, that's not how you cook a frog, but you see what I'm saying.The frog will hop out.Why are you boiling frogs?Listen.
Because if you put the frog in the boiling water, it's gonna jump out.No, I said why?My friend. To brainwash them.
Delicious.Let's not be dismissive of my poem.At the end of the day, in all fair respect to you, a frog and a frog leg is good eating.Especially with a tang of hot sauce.
You show me a society that doesn't boil their frogs.
You open your newspaper any day in this country, you will see indices of frogs being boiled.The science segment is deteriorating.Now here's the point.
If you fucking took everybody from the 50s in this state especially, California especially, but anywhere, and you brought them to like a school system and you said, they said, what's that fucking contraption?That's a metal detector. What?
Shouldn't that be in shop class?No, no, no.These seventh graders, they're bringing knives and guns and stuff.
Like if you showed them all the things that were in place, the fences and security and the metal detectors and policies and everything like that, they'd just be fucking shaking their head going, what the fuck happened?What happened?What's going on?
And someone would go, someone say to them, oh no, no, no, don't worry.We got more metal detectors coming.We'll be able to hit every opening in school.And these guys would just fucking shake their heads and go, I think you're missing a point.
What the fuck happened to our society?Can we make more metal detectors?What's going on?Can we look around?Can we check ourselves?
You don't think they'd just be like, wow, the future's so cool.
There's metal detectors.There's a guy from the 50s holding his keys, walking through.
Now I'm going to put the keys down.
Can it detect gold?You want to try that? Well, that even shocked me.So I was just amazed that the assault did not receive a charge and arrest.Just the notion.She was told if you'd been stabbed or shot, yes, we would arrest the student.Sure.
Well, or it had been a few years ago.
Right.I guess you're allowed to bash a teacher's head on the ground?On the ground.
It's different than if it was a... She had it coming.
A lot.So next interesting event this week was a study that came out saying ecstasy does not decrease mental ability.
And of course, I was irate at any study that was the least bit positive about a drug like ecstasy, which... And I was ecstatic over it.Right.So of course, this is good radio or good pod, I'm sure, showing everybody my picture.
But here would be... Camera. You have just given a whole generation the green light to stare at a black light.Here is ecstasy and here is methamphetamine.So we're looking at molecules?We're looking at molecules.Excellent, look at that.
And there's ecstasy would be on the right and you can see the incredible similarity.So even though the study does not say it's safe, it just says there's less mental cognitive damage from its use.Dr. Drew is going to be pissed.
If you look at the pill, can you actually see that?
But you can see some... Then how do we know?
Well, you know, the left side of the ecstasy substance looks like mescaline, and it gives you a little bit of hallucination.And then the right side goes into the receptors there and blocks your uptake of dopamine and gives you the euphoria.
So what does ecstasy... if not this, then what are the long-lasting effects, if any? Do we now?
Because it's yummy.This is still not saying that there aren't long-lasting effects on affects.
So one of the problems, people that use it consistently long-term, their concerns that their serotonin metabolism may be off, there may be long-term problems with depression.
But of course, when you look at the structures, we have so much trouble with methamphetamine.It's such an addictive drug.
And here is... So you're saying long-term effects on your mood. You could simply just be depressed and that could be a very negative outcome from using this drug earlier on.
You're great with analogies, I'm not, but you have something so close to methamphetamine, which is a horrible drug. And this has very similar effects.
And any time you downgrade the concern for a substance, and a substance that's as psychoactive and euphoric and addictive as ecstasy is... Well, it's like the great Malcolm X. When you're rolling at a rave, and Moby is pumping the James, and you got...
a pacifier in your mouth and some Vicks Vapor Rub on your upper lip.And the jams a pump it and you're sweating.Well now it's time to party.Now it's time to start.
Plus with those hats they wear, your head could overheat, right?
Yeah. Oh, absolutely.Well, that's the other problem.You get hyperthermia.There are a litany of other side effects.
People waterboard themselves.You drink too little water, drink too much water.But this is a substance that people are not just doing once a week, they're doing it every day.
Well, look, as you always say, or as Dr. Drew would always say, no free lunches in nature.You can't mess, you can't scramble your brain.You scramble your brain enough, at some point you've got to pay the fiddler. Mm-hmm.Okay.
Ecstasy does not decrease mental ability.Thank you.
Who was that?One more time.
All right, one last one.Oh, well, just coincidentally, near and dear to your heart, men's bonding with porn can ruin their sex life.What do you think of that?
With porn or overuse or there's an increasing consumption of porn due to the internet and that accessibility.You have teenagers that are, you know, you've talked about this before.I mean, we were happy to see a Sears catalog.
I'd be like, I was worse.I was like, that charcoal briquette looks like it has what looks like an areola drawn on it.And I don't know if that's like, you know, that's that's the version of the Virgin Guadalupe on a tortilla for an atheist.
But I mean, like, I swear to God, I literally was walking to school when I was in the seventh, eighth grade, found a grainy piece of newspaper.They have like a star magazine and stuff like weird kind of out outreach or whatever.
And it would come to sort of weird porn magazines, but it was written where you could actually see the pixel dots, like they were an eighth of an inch big, and you have to have someone else hold it eight feet away from you so you could beat off, because if you held it you'd just be looking at a bunch of dots like a bad cartoon.
It was just a picture of some chick with a nice rack, and it was just from the waist up.It was like, hey, I got this old picture.And I pulled it, kind of brought it home.Like when you find a four-leaf clover or something.You laminated it?Yeah.
You laminated it with another substance.
Put it between the Bible pages.Dr. Bruce, ew!
I wasn't even beaten off at the time.I held that thing for like three years.
Here's the concern.To the foresight. Anything that stimulates your mesolamic dopamine system.You're hearing it about the relationship between food and that, with pot.We're finding a lot of things do that.
And the more intense that stimulation is, and the younger the age at which you experience it, the more the chances of long-term effects.And if you get some kid that starts looking at your porn collection when he's 13 by the
By the time he's 18, God forbid Sonny ever finds out.
Meaning what?Men have to get into freakier and freakier stuff to excite themselves?
It's progressive.There's that too, but also you lose your will to hunt.You're sitting around with a full belly all the time.You don't want to go out hunting.Well, and then you have a full belly of jizz.I mean, not inside your belly.
I'm talking on top.A full belly button.Glazed.
No, I'm just saying, if somebody says, hey, you can go beg the old lady for a hummer, or you can just go hop on the computer and see thousands of these chicks giving someone else a hummer, and then you beat off, you lose that eye of the tiger.
You do need a little of that get the fuck out of the house, get busy, get moving, you know, sort of a little fire.It's hard, if you think about it, Just your mentality about eating a big meal.
Like, you never want to go shopping after you eat a big meal.They tell you not to shop hungry, but you would never shop if you're stuffed.It's just always that, nah, put it off.
And then what about the coming of virtual sex and virtual commuter base?
My son is going to be banging the shit out of his avatar in a few short years. And then we're gonna get into an argument.
That just means masturbation.
It's gonna be one of these things where he's gonna be sitting, talking to his virtual therapist one day, going, what happened?Came home from school one day, found my dad banging my avatar.Yeah, fucking brutal.But as a clinician, I have concerns.
That'd be weird if I start screwing my son's avatar.It's not a real thing, but it is to him, you know?
It'd be a progressive kind of thing, too.It's like, hey, who's your friend there, sonny?That's my avatar.Tell her I said hi. Bring her out sometime.Does she have a friend?
And also, you know, the pool's warm.If you guys want to go out there and just take a dip.And I'm just sitting there in the bathroom.
Like Judge Reinhold. Yeah, so where were we?I'll tell you what's going on.Can I tell you what's going on with me?Yes, absolutely.Not me and my dick, but just me.
I had this thought as I was, you know, getting on the airplane today, coming out of Denver, and I found myself sort of walking around, like, I stayed...
block from the club like we just walked to the club it's in the same complex we're at and it's 40 degrees outside in Denver it's cold it's moist whatever and I'm leaving my room and as I'm leaving my room I find myself grabbing for the water bottle you know and then when we're leaving the club and walking back there I find myself grabbing and I'm walking through the airport I'm carrying water and I'm trying I was like and it's this constant thing now I realize that
Back in the day, I would go five hours without putting anything to my lips.And now, I have found that I'm constantly taking a sip off of something or taking a swig off a coffee mug or something, and I realize I don't go any time anymore.
I'm constantly like, I'm going to make some tea.You want some tea?I'm going to make some green tea.You want some coffee?I'll have some coffee.Where's the water?Do you have the water?
I take the dog for a walk up and down the street, come back, so I don't leave without the water.
And what it's creating, it's not so much that I'm being hydrated, but I'm getting used to putting shit into my mouth all the time, and it's kind of fucking me up a little bit.
And I think this is kind of the same thing, where everyone's just kind of getting used to this sped-up, hand-on-cock, hand-on-mouse world, where it's like, you look at people now, like, Back in the day, you'd go to the beach.
Remember when you went to the beach as a kid?Especially the Corollas.We'd just go to the beach.There was no cooler filled with this and, you know, let's rehydrate and stuff.
You'd have a towel and like a zippy board and you'd go playing out in the sand.And you'd go fucking out in the water for four or five hours.And then you'd just come back out in the sand and be like, oh man, my mouth tastes like ass.
It tastes like salt water at Santa Monica Bay.But what are you going to do? Just sit there.
And then when you left at the end of an eight or nine hour day, you'd get a little suck off the drinking fountain before you got back into the unconditioned VW and drove back over into the valley.Now I'd just be like, where's my bottle?Where's this?
You want some tea?You want some coffee?Here's some corn nuts.There's something going into my mouth.And I think it's just, I don't know.I think it's connected to the whole hydration thing.
Yeah, but I went used to go flatline nothing in the last like five years.It's just constant And everything is everywhere now.
Like, there's people offering, you want a little nut thing, or a little candy thing, or a little, take some water, take some water, it's like handing out bottles of water.
I mean, you wouldn't take that, we'd go hiking back in the day, you wouldn't take water with you.
I think there's some arrested development at the oral stage, not that I'm a Freudian, but I have some real concerns.
I wanna go where you are going, where there's people handing out little nut things, and water things, and big things.Are you in a gifting suite?
I was leaving a Marie Callender's this morning after eating breakfast with the kids and they're like, do you want some candy?Yeah, they just ate 70 pieces of bacon and hash browns.
Dr. Bruce's segment is going great.
I learned a lot.You learned a lot.You should have brought the hair gel, buddy.Well, spit it out.Wrap it up.What do you got?
Ecstasy does not decrease mental ability.Well, that's going to be a drop I'm going to hear the rest of my life.Well, we could talk about, I'd like a Narcs and Notes segment.How would you like that to end the show?Narcs and Notes?Yeah, go ahead.
I have to give the credit to Dr. Snipes, one of our ER doctors, said, hey, you guys should have a Narcs and Notes segment.What is Narcs and Notes?Well, it's what we do in the ER about a third of the time.
We write narcotic prescriptions, and we give off work notes.And we listen to some real interesting, bogus stories.
Oh, about why they need their narcotics?Thanks. So, absolutely.What percentage of people that come in there that say, I need this oxycodone, really need it?
Or they're just, I mean, you can basically look the guy in the eye, right, and see if it's a secretary that's really hurt her back or it's a junkie.
Individuals that are coming in for pain issues, other than like sprained ankles, back pain, for instance, chronic neck pain. It's probably 25-30 percent.It's a very high percentage.
And then the other side of the coin is there have been suits against physicians for not prescribing pain pills, suspecting that the individual had a problem, and suits by families of deceased addicts saying the physician was to blame.
You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.Mike Lynch in the next room said that he bought some Theraflu the other day over the counter and had to swipe his license.
Well, anything with ephedrine in it, because people will buy large amounts of over-the-counter meds with ephedrine and make methamphetamine out of it.
I know, but the thing, again, whether it's being
carted at the airport bar by, you know, the old sea captain being asked to see his ID, and they say, hey, we ID everyone, or Mike Lynch coming into the, you know, Glendale thrifties and trying to buy some Sudafed while he's, you know, sniffling and wiping his nose.
One, I mean, Theraflu, one fucking box of the shit.Like, obviously he's not gonna go cook something up, but we just have this umbrella, and it's like, tough shit.
Everyone take your shoes off, take your belt off, pass through the, yeah, cannot profile anyone, And you're gonna grind this society to a halt.People won't get their Theraflu.
You can't afford to stop everything and check every human being all the time.It's the worst kind of policing on the fucking planet.It's bad policing.Right, right.All right, anyway, you done?I'm done.I'm done.All right.I got a little more left in me.
Ecstasy does not decrease mental ability.
This has been Health Watch with Dr. Spaz. God.Yeah.
Can I get a copy of that?Yeah. Thank you.Alana Eubach.I didn't call her Eubach.That's what I've always said.But do you want a Eubach?
You were the one that recommended that I change it to Eubach.
And I've been doing it ever since.
Sounds like a German car part.
Yeah, makes me, makes me hot.
Alana is going to be in the new film Rango.That's with Johnny Depp, right?
It is.It's with Johnny Depp and they had the, We just had the premiere last third, wait, Monday, which was Valentine's Day, and it was great.It's actually really complicated.
There you go.It is.Now what part do you play?
I play like five different little characters.They're all inbred rodents.One's a little whore.She's a fox.
She has little bones.Howdy, Sheriff.You know, she talks like that.
And one's a little boy who talks like that.You know, he's a big fan of Ringo.
Is that, first off, that's amazing, but secondly, I'm just picturing myself playing five characters in an animated movie, be like, hey, I'm Rob, the Robin, and I want you to meet a person that I'm not related to.
Hey man, must be nice, you're on the most successful animated show on Comedy Central.
How are ya? Yeah, I couldn't do anything for my boys.
You weren't a dork in grade school.I used to just, like, crank call everyone.
Yeah, but you got a gift, too.Do your Shelly the Turtle.
Do your Shelly the Turtle.That's my favorite.
Hey, is Shelly the Turtle?There you go, there you go.Anything else you want to pull out?Now, people, I should tell people that are just listening, that was me doing it, okay?
Billy the Goat, Billy the Goat.Billy the Goat, that's a good one.
All right, you ready?Bill E. Goat.All right, here we go.Hey, I'm Bill E. Goat, okay?
Where'd Adam go?Good stuff.
Get out of my way.Oh my God!
There he is!Oh my God!It's the ground ring training.Wow!
I know.It's extreme, bro.
Now you're just upstaging Lana.
I'm sorry.I'm sorry, Lana.Please, please.Give us all five voices.I'm going to close my eyes.
Well, I have, there's a little, she's a fox and she has a little red, she's a saloon hound. And she hangs out at the saloon, so when she meets Rango, she says, howdy, Cher.And that's how she talks.
There's also a little boy like this, and he is, there's this little inbred rodent wearing a cowboy hat, and he becomes a huge fan of Rango.Mr. Rango, can I have your autograph, please?And he talks like this.
And then there's a bully, who we made him a little older.He's like 10.And he's, what are you doing here?They're coming, they're coming.You know, you gotta make him a little older.Pre-pubescent, so that it's more like, this is like five.
Oftentimes give female voice actresses the roles to play the pubescent or pre-pubescent boys, because they'll never change, right?You couldn't give that role to a 10-year-old boy.
I mean, you could if you did a movie, but you couldn't if you were doing The Simpsons, because they're going on year 27 of Bart being Bart.
Well, that's just the thing is Dora the Explorer.She's having that problem where they had that problem with her voice.Now she's just doing the shit out of everybody.Really?Is that what's going on with Dora?I don't know.I don't know.
Wouldn't that be great if she actually was?
am so livid that that franchise has made a nickel, a nickel, because it is the least creative fucking franchise ever.It's the biggest cop-out.They have Dora, who does nothing.They have- She explores, dude.Dora.
Yeah, keep in mind, I hope everyone's sitting down, her sidekick is a monkey.That's something that's never, I mean, you wanna talk about just pushing the envelope.I mean, this is something that no animator
Well, not counting Speed Racer from the 60s, but no one's ever had a monkey sidekick.And then there's the Swiper.And get this, as if it couldn't get more creative, Swiper's a fox.Hey, SteelSings.SteelSings.He's a fox.
And the FDL Swiper quit, stopped swiping. It's nonsense.
It's a zero.That's ridiculous.
It's a fuckin' zero, and she just walks around with her fuckin' gut hanging out.She's just pulling like hairdo, and oh, and by the way, just that super condescending, every super thing in English and then in Spanish.No, it's a big fuck you to Adam.
To infants and the like.Why would she, look at her little, ooh, someone's gotta just lay back on the carbs.Dora, what was you thinking?Yeah, look at that muffin top.And she don't match. She's stoned.Look at her eyes.It's all right.
She's basically sending the message.She has no nose.It's all right to be fattened by limo.
She has a nose, yeah, and a big old belly.
Get her the fuck off the air.Listen, I have a big camel toe.
I have a big old camel toe.
Oh, it's nothing grosser than a fat camel toe.
There's me on a drunk night.
I'm just saying this. I know.I know it.And please, I hope you asswipes are listening on top of your mountain of money.I know you guys wanted to do something for adults at some point.
You don't go, I want to do shit for kids when you're in high school or college.You don't go, I want to try to entertain four-year-olds.Because it's like saying, I'd like to entertain retarded adults.
Because if you really think about it, what do you do with an adult that's severely retired?You go, he's got the mentality of like a seven-year-old, but the guy's 44, so it's sad.
But mentality of a, well, now you're creating a product for five-year-olds.They want to create a spinoff, an adult spinoff.
You didn't want to do this.You wanted to do things for adults, but here was the problem.
You weren't good.You weren't good enough.You couldn't make people that had their mental faculties in place, you couldn't make them laugh.You couldn't make discerning people laugh, intelligent people laugh.So what'd you do?
Cranked it way on down, and you took the easy road.I'm gonna make a return.
Do you think they're not making a nickel, man?Do you really think they're not making a nickel off of that door?Look at Barney!
Wait a minute, did you take, I said they weren't making a nickel off of that?
Yeah, cheating, no I'm joking.No, they're making tons of money.And that's the thing, it's Sesame Street.
No, I think they're making a ton of money.Are you jealous?I think they're rich, that's my point. They're selling shit to retarded people.And they're rich.I don't like it.
They're exploiting the tiny retarded people.
That's what they're doing.That's what they're doing.
So now what age is Rango met for?Rango's like, he's a little animal pet.I can't exactly give it away.But what happens is he finds himself lost in the desert and then he starts to befriend a bunch of inbred rodents.
Is he kind of a lizard?He's a chameleon.Oh, chameleon.
He's a chameleon.Yeah, yeah. Just like Johnny Depp.
And like me.You want me to do my voice of Bill E. Goat again?
Yeah, yeah.Please, I can't get enough, dude.
Hey, what's up?I'm Bill E. Goat. Yeah.
Where do you go in your head when you do this voice?
That's the thing.I don't know, and if I could explain it to you, then you could do it too, but it's like, I don't want to say touched by God, but, you know, lightly raped.That's the way I feel like, not in a sexual way.Touched, you know.
In the inspiration way, it's like you were a little bit sodomized.
Methodist acting.I don't know where I go.
I know it's been a long time, but you ever think you can do that little patio stretch, the ostrich? Oh, Patty O'Stretch.
That was a long time ago, but can't get enough of that shit.Close your eyes.Be ready to be transported.Hey, I'm Patty O'Stretch. Get it the ostrich.Oh Hold on.I didn't finish.Well, what's going on?
That's how I like to finish If I was a guy you'd be my type I like that Betty Paige look yeah, thank you a lot of guys don't feel that way but thank you Lana is just lying Lana I would I would I would call you sexually charged and
Sometimes, when it works.You still have the crazy Swedish boyfriend who... It's complicated, Adam.
He walked in on me with this Mexican lesbian midget, and the rest is history, what can I say?
Seriously, let's talk.I want to talk a lot.
Was she fat and bilingual?Yeah, but that's why I took her home, bro.
No, I'm joking.It didn't work out.We wanted different things, whatever it is, what it is.
Yeah, we wanted different things.I wanted a lollipop in my mouth and a thumb in my ass.He didn't like it.
He's one of these dudes who's got the bad frames and the cool shoes, one of these Euro dudes?
He's very Nordic looking, you know, just very strong jaw.And he has great bones, and he dresses really interestingly.
So it was him?Who broke it off?
So he dumped you.But let me say this.Alana. I have this question for a lot of my celebrity friends, which is, you're beautiful, you're super talented.Thanks, man.I mean, you're gifted.You're a really gifted performer.
Some people are good actors and actresses and all that stuff.You're very gifted, very talented, very beautiful.Thanks.But what do you want?Do you want a couple of kids and a husband?
You know, people have asked me, are you married?I was like, yeah, I've been married like five times.I mean, those three-year relationships can really turn into marriages.
They're little marriages without the ceremony and the written documents, you know?
Yeah, but without the kids.
But without the kids, and the families get involved.Husbands are great when they're cooked with just the right maple syrup.
I'm just saying, are you a little too nutty for this?
Am I a little too nutty?No, I just, I like variety.
I don't mean that in a horrible way, but I just mean, it's never, like, here's the deal.There's some people whose metronome is moving so fast, it's just, it's never gonna work.There has to be an element of accepting death.
There you go.To a good relationship.Yes, the concept of mortality.I'm very quite aware of it.You mean settling kind of, don't you?
It's not settling like I'm going to be with someone who I don't want to be with.It's settling like a snow globe settles.It's a different kind of settle.They think of it as settle.I've never really explored this, but here goes.
It's not like settling like, I think we like... Fresh material?This is Billy Goat. He was.I'll do it as Billy Goat?Yeah, do it as Billy Goat.No, no.
Hey, this is Billy Goat.And let me explain my settling theory.Like the snow globe, which is shaken, and yours has been put in a paint can shaker, Alana.It's just this constant blizzard up in there.
But at a certain point, you get to an age where you just... I'm going to slide back.I'm going to start doing my owl character.Oh, okay.Okay?
I'm gonna start doing Benson the Owl, okay?You ready?All right, anyway, when you, yeah, when you put the snow globe on the shelf, you let it sit there for a while.Now, people go, oh, the snow globe's dying or something.
No, it's not, it's just stopped moving and things have settled and now we can see the town.Sure.Or the Seattle, you know, the Space Needle or whatever was back there being obscured.Settling down versus settling.
All right, I'm gonna go back to me, all right? Okay, now.Now.What?Thank you. And then I do the last 10 minutes like Tavis Smiley.
You know, it's really kind of, it's a little uncomfortable to talk about it on a camera in front of like millions of people to really tell you what's going on with me.
We'll talk about it afterward.Really.Maybe on a break.
Yeah, but it's complicated.
Maybe you're thinking about the ladies a little bit.
I think about, Like I said, lollipops and thumbs up my ass.Can't you just go to a rave?
In fact, actually, I'm going to do a plug.There's this place, if you want to see the best Mexican drag show, go to Plaza.It's at 439 North.Doing the whole Spanish thing.If you want to go to this Mexican drag show, it's absolutely wonderful.
And it's at 439 North La Brea, and it's open from Thursday to Sunday.They have a 10-15 and a 12 midnight show and it's the best in town.
Say meet the Fockers because Alana was in Meet the Fockers.Say meet the Fockers with the Spanish accent.Meet the Fockers!See it always makes me laugh because I think you could you could win on a technicality because when you when you hear
When we, in English here, meet the fuckers, we hear a mispronounced fuck.But when you hear meet the fuckers... Meet the fuckers!That doesn't sound like she's mispronouncing the word.It sounds like she's trying to say fuckers, right?
But that's what it would sound like.One good one. Meat they fuckers!Thank you.Fuck you!I used to say that on the radio all the time.All right, Alana, so something heavy is going on in your life?
No, not that heavy, but I had a blast at Plaza last night. It was so much fun.It's a Mexican drag show and it's really... More drops.
I think you have a crush on me, Adam.That's what you want to know all about, that kind of stuff.
I do.I mean, I find it's like overqualified almost.But I can also see that there's a... a little volcano of nuttiness in your ass, and that's gonna prevent a long-term thing.
You wanna bend me over and see if it's there?You wanna find that nuttiness in my ass?
What's a nutty volcano tell?
The eyes, usually the eyes, but it's just energy.Energy is tough in a relationship because it is, sadly, that snow globe can never settle if there's a lot of agitation, you know what I'm saying?And settling is what people want.
You got a motor going in you, am I right?Yeah.All right, just promise me this.Promise me this, Alana. Do not tell me something very revealing and sad off the air.
What?Do it on the air, because I want to know.
Yeah, I could do it in this setting, but once we get off the air, don't pull me aside.
No, I mean, you know, it's... You okay?
Are you where you want to be?Would you like to be married?Would you like to have kids?
I tell you, Adam, what I really want.I want... Oh, come on.
Let's do a duet.I'll do it as the owl.Okay.
I know there's somebody out there, Adam.You ask me, do you really care, Adam?
I'm Morgan the owl, by the way.
Can you hear me doing the voice?Wow.Fucking genius.Maybe we should just start up with the news at this point.But that's good, that's good.
Live from the International News Center, next to Donnie's minibikes, this is The News with Alison Rosen.
So, top story, bloody unrest in Libya.The Human Rights Watch says at least 223 people have been killed since The protest broke out five days ago.
How's this work, by the way, with the Human Rights Watch?Do you think some guy comes in the room and goes, hey boss, I got trouble out of, and he goes, stop, let me guess.
Hmm.Montreal?I think you're onto something.You're too serious.Sarcastic human rights advocate.
Each time a guy would come running in the room with a piece of fax that's still hot off the press, he'd go, boss, we got a human rights problem.Oh, hold on, hold on.You know what part of Sweden is this?Let me sit down.
I think it's like when you watch TMZ.
It's like TMZ where Harvey Levin is standing there just interviewing everyone.I think that's how it works.
I'd like to hang out with those guys.And I'd like to fuck with them every once in a while, like you just go, actually, this human rights abuse is out of Iceland.And the guy would go, what?And you go, no, just kidding, Libya.You know what I mean?
Just to fuck with the shit every once in a while.All right, so what's going on in Libya?Human rights abuse?
Well, no, it's protests much like what happened in Egypt.It's just much more violent, quicker, and people are, you know, they want to get rid of Gaddafi.
Don't be a one-upper, like I said before.At the end of the day, there's violence going on all around us.
There's violence right here in our country.Blue-eyed violence.Tunis, Compton.
Blue-eyed violence spread out all over this great country.So before you look across the seas, I suggest you look in your old backyard.
So Qaddafi has vowed to keep fighting until the last man standing, even to the last woman standing.We will not leave Libya to the Italians or the Turks.
Qaddafi or Qaddaf men. That's right.That's a Jewish version.And there's blood.There's light blue blood running in the streets behind me.
More importantly, the life of Anna Nicole Smith is the subject of a new opera that opened last week at the Royal Opera, you are looking at me skeptically, Royal Opera House in London.It's gotten mixed reviews so far and we have a clip.Oh my God!
But actually some quite positive reviews.
Alana, would you like to say?
Where are my pills?Where are my pills?
All right, let's take a look.
Well, I think the thing about Anna Nicole is a great story on many levels.I mean, uh, it's a very fabulous eccentric tale and a very bleak one as well.
So you've got a lot of comedy, but you've also got a lot of kind of heart wrenching, well, horror in a way.So the challenge was, was to go to more from this kind of comic.Hold on a second.
Do these people realize that's our fucking princess die? What if we did a Princess Di the musical, huh?
I'd like to blow you, huh?Dodie Al-Fayed, or whatever his name was.Di was a past name.
Hold on, let me see that as Tavis Smiley.Dodie.Oh, Fayed.Yeah, I think that works.
Yeah, I'm just saying that they're not taking her down.They're celebrating her life as a tragedy.So they go, I want to blow.
You all then count to 10 Mississippi and then say a kiss?That's celebrating the person's life?
So if they're doing a musical about Amelia Earhart, that's what they do?
Okay.All right.Well, as long as it's a tip of the cap.
Consistent across the board.
These are the same people who did Jerry Springer, the musical.
What?Why?Which I saw.But he's alive.And actually it's pretty good.It is?It was?But he's alive and he has a sense of humor.It's not him and his ... Nineteen-year-old son aren't dead.I mean, I don't give a shit about Anna Cole, but I don't know.
Anna Cole's not dead.Do you think they're trading on her tragedy?Do you think they're exploiting her?
I think there's a fair amount of this that goes on where they just explain it's a tribute or she's a whatever or a star.There really is just sort of sensationalism.I mean, I don't care, but just call it what it is.
Here's another good clip.
Do you have to clear this?Not us, but them.
Wait a second. Yeah, she's singing to her old husband there.
I'm just saying, everyone's dead.
That's a really good question about whether her estate can sort of put a stop to any of this.I think because she's a public figure, she's in the public domain.But I'm going to find out and tell you tomorrow.She's like, happy birthday.
So today is the 44th anniversary of, no, sorry, Kurt Cobain would have been 44. And here are 44 things that you don't know about him.I'm not going to read all 44, but here's a few.For many years, Cobain enjoyed making Super 8 films.
One of these movies contains a scene in which Cobain commits suicide.
Well, I would think that'd be a common theme with him.I mean, that feels more like him.He must have died at like 28 or something.He was a baby.
In his free time, Cobain liked to buy big hunks of meat from the grocery store and then go out into the woods and shoot at them with a variety of guns.
Cobain started wearing boxer briefs after Courtney Love expressed concern over his tiger print Y-fronts.Now, I didn't know what Y-fronts were, but I'm thinking they're banana hammocks.
I guess it's like, yeah, I guess.I mean, once in a while you see that dude that has the underpants that on the side there's just that little strap of elastic holding the front to the back.That's always a weird one.
It's like a man g-string.
It's a man g-string. But the back is normal, it's just the bridge from the front to the back is sort of homoerotic and fucked up.
Yeah, spare more material underwear makers.
How much freedom do you really need?What are you doing right now?You're just putting your pants on and going back to work.What's up?
Yeah, it's like either go commando or don't, but don't do the half-ass thing, no pun.
Before launching into Smells Like Teen Spirit live on the British television show The Word, Cobain announced, Courtney Love, the lead singer of the sensational pop group Hole, is the best fuck in the world.
Wow.That's, uh... Chivalry is not dead, my friend.
She's definitely great.He is.
You know, she's just a dynamo in the sack.She's very smart.I love her interviews.
I think she'd be kind of like... That's her old face.She's like an Italian car or something that, you know, when she's running, man, all 12 cylinders poppin'.Awesome.But a lot of na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, you know, wake up.I wanna fuck you.
Oh, fuck it. As a matter of fact, now that you've committed to this docile play here, I think I'll just mount up.She'd probably be great, but there's probably a lot of nights where she was a little sloppy.
Think Howard Cosell with eight beers in him on a Monday night football.So awesome?The best, but a little slurry at some point.
Yeah. One more in a letter to his father Donald Cobain wrote I've never taken sides with you or my mother because while I was growing up I had equal contempt for you both
It's surprising that he didn't love his parents.
The thing, you know, it's funny because Courtney Love, you make fun of her because she sort of made herself under this punchline, but she's really a talented, interesting, smart person who unfortunately sort of had a lot to contribute, or at least artistically.
I mean Hole was a good band and she was great on stage and she was
great in the Larry Flynt movie, and she's obviously a talented, creative person that's become a sort of punchline because of her antics, and because of the way our society is, which is, whether it be the aforementioned Anna Nicole Smith or Courtney Love, we laugh at these people when they're really sort of dying.
And by the way, you had, you have Kurt Cobain who drugs killed him.You know, I mean, he killed him with a shotgun, but first he put down a whole bunch of heroin.He could not beat heroin.I mean, he was a heroin addict.
That's basically what killed him and what made him decide to pick up the shotgun.And then, you know, you have Anna Nicole, who's, you know, these are people that are dying before the 40th birthday.And we're sort of laughing about it.
You know, it's become a little bit of a joke.And Courtney Love has made herself into a sort of a
But the reality is she has a disease.She's sick.She's really a sick person.And we're going to potentially watch somebody else die before their 45th or 50th birthday, or at least 30 years before they were planning on going.
And then we'll sort of laugh about it again, or maybe the Brits will do a musical about it. Yeah.
So then you're not gonna go see the opera next time you're across the pond, as they say?
I just mean, if the folks that made Door of the Explorer could admit there were just fucking hacks in it for the cash, and if the Brits could admit they're just cashing in, then I'd go see it.
But if they do the, we're honoring her by blah blah blah... You just want a little honesty, is that too much to ask?Yeah, her doing the blowjob stuff and all that, come on. And by the way, she's got a kid, you know what I mean?
She's got her and Burkhead got themselves a little kid.And boy, that guy seems like a stump, doesn't he?
But, you know, the kids just, I always feel bad that kids got to see this or hear about it or turn on TMZ and see some fat chick with a big mom, you know?There's a couple kids.
She's got an older son, too.
Oh, we lost him, yeah.This is a really depressing conversation, you guys.
People are turning us off.
You're right.Alright, so here's something less upsetting, unless you love trees.A disgruntled Alabama fan took his Auburn versus Alabama rivalry a little too far
and poisoned two giant 130-year-old oak trees at Toomer's Corner on the edge of the Auburn campus.
The tree attack came to light when the man, Harvey Updike Jr., identifying himself as Al from Dadeville, called in to the Paul Feinbaum radio show and confessed. Wow.
What a scoop for the Paul Feinbaum show.It really is.Not that that thing wasn't going great guns as it is, but I think they, if you could imagine, may have gotten even hotter.Right.
So saying he had poisoned the trees the weekend after the annual Auburn-Alabama football game in November.
Auburn won.28-27.The caller claimed Auburn students celebrated under the trees when they heard the news of the death of renowned Alabama football coach Paul Bear Bryant. But he was crazy, the caller.
And also mentioned the placement of a jersey with Auburn quarterback Cam Newton's number on the statue depicting Bryant in 2010.So here's a clip of him calling in and confessing to a tree assault.
By the way, the real tragedy is that the bears become a euphemism for husky, hairy gays.And for the great Paul Bear Bryant, because for future generations, they're going to go, oh, I guess that's the way he rolled.All right.
So let's hear this. Well, OK, this year I was at the Iron Bowl and I saw where they put a scam Newton jersey on Bear Bryant statue.
OK, I mean, again, that's 28 years later.
OK, well, let me tell you what I did the weekend after the Iron Bowl. I went to Auburn, Alabama, because I live 30 miles away, and I poisoned the two tumor trees.I put spike 80 DL venom.Did they die?Do what?Did they die?
They're not dead yet, but they definitely will die.Is that against the law to poison a tree?
What, do you think I care?It is, actually, and he's been charged with first-degree mischief and was arrested and held on $50,000 bail.And we have a couple more clips, which you just have to see because they're just the pathos.
By the way, that does not make you king of the prison yard, first-degree mischief.You know what I mean?What are you in for?Rape, murder.You don't get a lot of cred.
Yeah, but he doesn't need to sleep with one eye open in case, like, they turn on, when they go for the pedophiles and the rapists, he'll probably live.
That sounds like a very cool, like, old-timey description of, like, a fun time out.That sounds like first-degree mischief!
You know who would go after him?Druids.Druids in particular.Okay, so here's a professor, this is a press release, here's a professor, sorry, a press conference, a professor who's asked if the trees are gonna make it.
I think there's about a 1 to 2% chance that the tree could survive.Are you now ruling that out?Are we sure that they are in fact going to die?
Crying.It's an emotional question.I always want to hold out hope.Based upon the technical experts I've consulted with around the country, the concentration of spike. basically found in the soil, would suggest there is a very low probability.
Okay, and then let's hear Debbie Shaw, Auburn Alumni Association.She eulogizes the trees as well.
Oh, this is a dude.It does suck when the trees... These trees will likely die.
But the Auburn spirit will continue to live on in the hearts of Auburn men and women. The celebrations at Toomer's will continue.Celebrations at Toomer's will continue.
By the way, point your tree at Toomer's Corner, you know, you're asking for trouble.Rule number two, they're crappy.
Wow, he looks like a criminal.
That's the tree murderer.
Boy, does he look like a criminal.
I thought the professor was him because he was in an orange shirt.Oh God, it would have been so good if it was a whodunit.
He did it. Is he in a prison outfit or just coincidentally wearing a black and white rugby shirt?Why do they need collars on prison outfits?Hey, straighten up that collar, son.We're going to prison church.Right.
I think it's just coincidence.
I'm glad they caught the guy.But on the other hand, you look at the tree and you feel bad because the tree's 115 or whatever years old. Don't ever correct me on the air.They're not as impressive.It's not like that fake tree they have at Disneyland.
Is it wrong of me to laugh at the outpouring of emotion over these trees?I mean actually when you think about it, giant trees, it's sort of sad.
I like it, I like that a guy, that's a guy we don't have to worry about.He's not gonna beat the shit out of his old lady when he gets home.Like he has an old lady.Well the point is this, he's alright.He's not part of the problem.
Tree poisoning is a gateway crime.
No, not him, I'm talking about the guy you're talking about, the guy's crying.
I'll always be talking about whoever you were talking about. Let's make a funny musical when it dies.That guy.Your guy.I like the guy.I don't have a problem with him.
How about the irony of the super macho football fan probably has had a few chuckles in his lifetime over tree huggers?Right.
He's bald.He's a heap of tears.Yeah, I like that guy.
We should do a musical of the tree after it dies.
I'll get some poison.I'll kill that tree.
We need coffin material.Oh no, not me!Oh no, not me!
I want the tree.I think it will live.If it dies.I mean... It's a hit!
Made up musical.A star high school wrestler forfeited his chance to win an Iowa wrestling championship because he refused to wrestle a girl.
Joel Northrup, a homeschooled sophomore who competes for Linmar High School, said his religious beliefs prevented him from wrestling Cassie Herkelman, a freshman who's one of the first two girls to qualify in the tournament's 85-year history.
In a statement, Northrop said, Northrop's father is a minister in the Believers in Grace Fellowship, an independent Pentecostal church that believes young men and women shouldn't touch in a familiar way, says the church's pastor Bill Randall.
We believe in the elevation and respect of women and we don't think that wrestling a woman is the right thing to do.Body slamming and takedowns, that full contact sport is not how to do that.
Bill, you must understand at the end of the day, we're just as guilty as wrestling our women to the ground and getting them in a figure four as they are in the Middle East.Now, whether it's ground and pound or you're just a submission expert,
I could kick his ass.Look at that little wimp.
Yeah, he's a skinny guy.But they were cutting weight.I agree.I'm not with the whole religious part.It's weird.This happens all the time now, where you're asking boys or, you know, it's a weird, sensitive area to be that 17, 18 range, 16.
And the whole girls thing is weird.And no, this is a combat sport.I agree.No one wants to wrestle. It's sort of like when they take the kid who's got no arms and no legs and they kind of got to put him at nose tackle.
And so the center on the other team has, for four quarters, is basically going to be driving a guy with no arms.You have a choice.You can step out of the way and let the guy with no arms and no legs try to trip your quarterback.
Or you can pile drive him into the ground and lie on top of the guy with no arms and no legs who's trying to make the team.You're in a fucking horrible position.And as a dude,
You just shouldn't be competing with a woman, not in wrestling, not in boxing, I mean, not in any of that stuff.Look, spelling bees, fine.
But you don't think the fear is that she's actually accidentally going to fall on it? I mean, isn't that the religious fear?That there shouldn't be this kind of fratage?
I think their angle is probably a little different than mine.Mine is just a weird emotional thing.When they did that celebrity boxing thing, they wanted me to fight China once.And I like boxing.I wanted to box.
But I was like, I don't want to box a woman.Find a guy.And they're like, oh, we want you to fight China.And I was like, the pro wrestler and there's a couple things.
What's the angle there by the way because they always try and get like you know the the the Bonaduce and whoever it was.
They'll get them together and then they'll find the angle later but you know man show guy against a real woman or something.Might be a man guy.
Yeah, I don't know what it is, but it was funny because they were like, hey man, I don't want a box of women saying, hey, she's 180 pounds of muscle.And I'm like, I weigh 200 pounds, so she's not bigger than I am.And oh, she's talking shit.
I'm like, I don't want to hit a woman.And I don't want a woman hitting me while I'm not hitting her.And there's nothing to it. You ever punched a woman before?
No, I would never do that.
I mean, unless the bitch was eyeballing me, but short of that, no.Not better.Like, she's at another table, and I could feel her stare.I'll turn around and pop her.Yeah.Yeah.Yeah, sure.I could feel her burning a hole in the back of my skull.Yeah.
I would definitely, definitely lay the fucking lumber on her.Well, she's asking for it.Properly provoked.Provoked.Provoked.Well, that goes into something I want... Like, if I'm at one of those airport...
You know, sofas, the ones that, you know, waiting at the terminal, the airport ones that go back to back.
And I'm sitting facing north, and there's some chick facing south, you know?But I can feel like she's thinking about me.You're feeling the vibe.I'm feeling the vibe.
I will just come around at that point and ask her what time it is, and when she looks down, just, fuck it, cold cock her.But it would take that It's kind of, you know, extreme, what I call an extreme... That's self-defense.
I think, I don't, I'm not an attorney, I'm not an attorney, but I'm just saying it would take that kind of extreme.
Okay, but anything short of that.Anything short of that.
Totally avoidable.So this goes right into something that... Hold on, Alana, I just looked away for a second.
What the fuck do you think?
I got these boots on.Don't mess with me.I got pepper spray in the other room.News.
That's her dykes friend, pepper spray.Go ahead.
I'm going to say these words again, again, again.This goes right into something I wanted to bring up, which is last week, you know, we talked about the whole Ronnie, Sammy situation on Jersey Shore.
and how I think that Ronnie is going to one day snap and kill Sammy.And I received a letter from listener Neil Lang.
Allison, you've been very vocal lately about the potential of Ronnie to commit violence against Sammy on Jersey Shore, but how can you mention this without also noting that both Ronnie and Polly have been socked in the face with a closed fist by girls in the house?
Sure, they could potentially rip those girls limb from limb, but it's still wrong.Even if it doesn't hurt them, it is still aggravating, humiliating, and assault.How should a man respond to this?Asked this one of Adam.
Son.Tavis.I've been punched out by my girlfriend before.You have been?Yeah.Here's the thing. I don't think you ever hit a woman.And I wasn't raised that way.I was raised by like, huh?Why would you ever stand up for anything ever?
I didn't have anything instilled in me.You just don't hit women.You just don't.And if they hit you, then you get away from them. And if there's this shit where it's like, I felt threatened by someone I got 80 pounds on, I don't buy it.
I've never hit a woman.I've gotten plenty of arguments.I've gotten arguments that were, I'm sure at the end of the argument, the woman said, I wish he'd just hit me instead of this fucking verbal assault that lasted for over two days.
So I like to think my tongue has punched him a few times in the ear.But no, I would never do that.I don't think I could.I really don't.And I've been punched.I got punched out by my girlfriend once after the story I've told before.
I got drunk at a softball game.Listen, I was happy.As I was falling back onto the bed, she told me, get up.I was on the bed.I was lying on the bed.She said, get up.And when I stood up, I kind of knew she told me to get up for a reason.
And I stood up, and she whacked me in the face, and I fell back. I just said, good, because then I was the winner.Like, she was going to apologize to me the next day.She's the asshole.Right.
And it was worth it, because I was like, I was drunk, and I used to box.I didn't feel like anything.But she's going to feel bad, so I'll wake up with some French toast and apology.And then another time I was playing a
baseball tournament or something.
I was like in the eighth or ninth grade and we played some all-black team in like Compton or something and we beat them and they started talking shit after the game and they said like, you're lucky we're not playing football and that was my sport.
I was like, oh if we're playing football I would definitely kick your ass.Before I knew it, that 300-pound black chick was on top of me.
I was on the ground on my back and this chick was on top of me and I had my feet like up on her shoulders and she was swinging at my head.I was like, she was out of control.And everyone just gathered around and was looking at this.
They were just watching, including like coaches and stuff. And I just yelled, could someone get this bitch a fuck off me?
It was like a long period of time of her just throwing punches at, that was just grazing my face as I sort of held her back with my feet.And that was only two times I was attacked by women, but I never punched back.
Although to be fair, when I was 14 and on my back and I was giving up 150 pounds, I don't know if I could have. I don't know if I wanted to mess with that, but no, you don't ever hit a woman.Ever.
Well, speaking of Jersey Shore and violence, so now that Sammy's out of the house, Ronnie is beside himself.Ronnie, the cold, sociopathic killer who's on steroids.
And I just want to share this clip where the situation attempts to console him, because I think the situation could beat Tyra in terms of who gets the biggest blowhard award.
Yeah, that'd be good.The Wendy.Yeah, the Wendy.
Life goes on, man.You know what I mean?No matter what.Time keeps ticking.And if you don't keep going, you get left behind.You know, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.Life's not cookie cutter.I'd rather die standing than live on my knees.
You know?That's a good one.That's a good one.
I'd rather die standing than get on my knees.Gotta move on.
I'd rather die standing. Didn't leave.Didn't get on my knees.On my knees.Yeah, that's a good one, except for he didn't make that one up.That one's been around for a while, right?
Yeah, the whole string.That's an awesome cliche-o string, yeah.That is awesome.All right, should we wrap up?
You ever been stalked before, Adam?Let's do that.Stabbed?No, stalked.
I have.That's some crazy shit, man.
Yeah.But by a guy kind of like that.
Let Allison put her butt in here.
That's the news.I'm Allison Rosen.And excuse me, but my breasts are down here.Courtney Love, the lead singer of the sensational pop group Hole, is the best fuck in the world.
That was the news with Allison Rosen.You've been stalked?
Yeah.Well, which is it?Am I being filmed right now?
Oh, no, no, no.I can't mention it.You brought it up.Well, I had to move out of my place.I mean, it got crazy.
Really?Yeah, yeah.Unfortunately, even though many, many people have been shot and killed by the stalkers, they basically have a policy of we can't do anything until you're dead.They do this thing where they go, hey, call us back when you're dead.
I'll tell you what.They never believe me.If they stab you, but they don't kill you, then call us, because then we could pick the dude up.Now, we can't really do anything.
That's awesome, but there's been a lot of cases where the dude has come back with a fucking hunting knife.
And a restraining order gets them pissed off.
Because they don't care about going back. They've been there before, they get room.You know what'll stop them?
I mean, you can move all you want, you can get all the restraining orders you want, but the only thing that really stops these guys, blowjob.
Give them what they want.
Access to 24-7.Turn it on.Do that weird 80s movie thing.There you are.They go, you want it?Because I've been thinking about it.And then the guy gets all sheepish and weird.Well, wait a minute.Now slow down.All of a sudden.
That's a real Jack Trippery thing to do.But yeah.
Hold on.My knee pads are in the car.That's 80s acting.Hold on.That's it.I'm staying.And I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life.
You know, it's like they're remembering it while they're talking about it.
If we were together, I would have you be someone else every night.You have no idea, baby.Be that muskrat from Wingo.
Spore Center?From Rango!From Wingo?I don't know.Listen, obviously I've had a couple glasses of red wine and I'm feeling amorous.So I'm mispronouncing because I'm in character.Okay, people?
Yeah.I get it, man.What's a Methodist acting interview?
Oh, that was Billy Goat.Oh, you win again.
All right, Rango.Now it all makes sense.Yeah.Hey, Dawson.Yeah. It was a very Dawson esque.Yeah, that's my favorite character right there.That's Merle the monkey, right?That was Merle?When I said, hey Dawson?Yeah, I did that as Merle.
But you've been here so long, you know my Merle.I'll tell you, if I had the amount of talent you have in your little finger as far as vocal range goes, I wouldn't have to go back to school, but I do.Back to Pinnacle?I'm at Pinnacle College right now.
If they ever want me to come by with my cast of characters, tell them.Lay down some tracks, you know what I mean?
You need any help with studying or anything?You're cute.I hadn't noticed him before.He is fine.
Yeah, there's nothing wrong with him.
You're a pretty one, aren't you?Quirrell dimples!
Yeah.Sorry, Pinnacle College. Pinnacle College, they have two schools of Pinnacle College.I'm at the audio engineering school.They also have a school for audio in video games or audio in film.And basically they break it down for you from a science.
They teach you how things work, not just how to work things. For the last four weeks, I've been learning about the basic principles of sound.A lot of it is stuff I already know, but they teach it in a way that now I know it better.
I don't understand what you're saying, but it sounds so sexy.
All right.Toss out there.Where do you go if you want to go to the website?First, I got the whole course syllabus up there at PinnacleCollege.edu.You'll find all the information you need. PinnacleCollege.edu.
You can also give them a call and talk to them at 877-206-6206.Basically, if your passion is audio, noise, video games, why not make a living out of it?PinnacleCollege.edu.
It's like I said, I was talking at lunch with Seth McFarlane a week or so ago, and I said, what did you do, Seth?
And he said, I went right from high school to like animation, Massachusetts animation, whatever, Academy, and then did that and then got some scholarship thing.And next thing you know, I'm at Hanna-Barbera over here in Coanga.
And then next thing you know, I'm doing The Family Guy, like 24.You know, the point is, is he just zeroed in on his shit.Now imagine a guy like Seth MacFarlane just going, I'm going to get it.Imagine him wasting his time and a bunch of
art history classes and philosophy.USC film school.General ed, general crap.No, he's zeroed in on what he does.Now he's a billionaire and if he wants to be well-rounded, well then he can buy himself a college degree now.
Alright, Alana, always a delight.Thanks, man. Just the right mixture of sexy and fucked up.Alana Ubach, everybody.Animated film, Rango.Well, excuse me.Out March 4th.Also, Season 1 of Hung on DVD.
Look for an upcoming episode of Mentalist or episodes of Mentalist.
And Hung's going into Season 3.And yes, I play a speed addict doctor on The Mentalist.It's very exciting.Like Dr. Prince.
Yeah, awesome.Allison, great job as per usual.Tell your dapper dad I came right back at you, doc.So, until next time, this is Adam Pearl for Bald Brian, Allison Rosen, and a lot of you back saying, oh, Dana Gould tomorrow night, saying mahalo.
All right, that was Adam Kroll Show 504.Coming up next, we have Adam Kroll Show 568, featuring Oscar Nunes, Alison Rosen, Brian Bishop, also from 2011.
Oscar was famously Adam's man show stand-in for lighting, camera ready testing, makeup purposes, that sort of thing.They joke about it quite a bit.Oscar, of course, went on to have a great acting career, starring in The Office.Hope you guys enjoy.
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Michael is leaving and apparently they already hired a new manager and we're meeting him today.It's a lot to process. paperwork-wise.
From the office, Oscar Nunez on the Adam Carolla Show.Great to see you stand in.That's how I know him.
I'm glad you picked the most non-funniest thing you could show.
I thought that was pretty funny.A lot to process, paperwork-wise.It's pretty damn funny.Season finale, by the way, Thursday, May 19th at 9 o'clock, NBC.And let's see, so Oscar, seven seasons.
With the office, but in the last few years you've been pushed up toward the front of the line I feel like they've started featuring almost everyone in the ensemble.
Yeah, they had to because it's a it's what are you gonna do?
It's the eighth season, but let me back up I was out there and you're like this guy was my standing and now he's on the fucking office And and you know people you can see us here on the thing.
I'm on a little red couch, but you don't know There's a garage out back.He's got five Mercedes-Benz three Corvettes.
with a helipad on the roof to hell.
And I was not friendly when you were my stand-in, but I wasn't a douche.
No, dude, you guys were very nice guys.You guys were extremely, like, weirdly gentlemanly for the man show.Very ironic.People don't know this.You guys were very nice guys, especially with the juggies.
Very nice, because the two fellas that came on afterward, remember, I stayed.
Oh, you stayed.It was a whole different vibe. I've never spoken about this with Oscar, but just as a stand-in, your job is to sort of, I don't know, not be seen and not even be heard, really.
It's to be seen when it's time to be seen, and then not be heard, and then be seen again.And I remember Oscar, and I remember he was my stand-in.I remember going sort of back and forth.
with him, but I was always like holding a script and had my head buried in something that I was trying to memorize or fix or something like that.
You were smoking grass pretty heavily back then.
I was pretty heavily into weed back then.Very heavily medicated.
You probably sat around a lot and saw a lot of interaction and you saw a lot of rehearsal and a lot of going back and forth with Dennis, the director, and a lot of... That's right, Dennis.
Little man stand over here, or you pop out of the penis and run around and all that well What give your thumbnail sketch of that for all the people well?
I it was it was quite an achievement achievement because I came to town to be a stand-in And actually I'm trying to get out of the office.I don't know how that happened, but but we'll see but but uh You're right.It's a lot of standing around.
It was a funny show you guys you guys are You guys are pretty funny.You can't say anything.You can't say, I've got an idea for something.I think it was like, how long was I there?A couple, like four or five years?Yeah.
And I said something like, some guy won a contest, and I said, Merv Griffin, and they used it.But it took like four or five seasons.
Yeah, because you're not there for that.You just shut your mouth and do the thing.
So Jimmy was nice to you.And you were too.I was nice to you as well.
Yeah, you were nice.Who was nicer, though? They were both pretty nice.It's diplomatic.Yeah, well, okay, let me see.
And it was a cool environment, is what you're saying.
Yeah, it was very cool.Then my friend Doug Stanhope came after you and Rogan.
What changed tonally over there after we left?Because everything was sort of in place, right?I mean, why was the vibe different when we left?I had no part of it once we left.
Let's put it this way, the juggies were turned off a little bit by the vibe of the fellas.Yeah.My dream... Joe Rogan's a third degree Taekwondo black belt.
He's a nice guy, he smokes a lot of weed.
So you're saying the girls who jumped on the trampolines were turned off by the sexist attitude suddenly?
Yeah, which is weird because you think Jimmy and Adam would be like and they weren't they weren't at all That was just for the show when right when it wasn't rolling it stopped right, but all of a sudden it became stop right I just my fantasy is to go to a party where the producers of the man show are there and Stand next to them without them noticing me and then have someone go what happened in season five
Because season five is the only season that the Man Show producers produced the show.That's when Comedy Central and the producers of the Man Show actually rolled up their sleeves and got to work.
The first four seasons was me and Jimmy trying to keep them away from what we were doing.The fifth season is what you get when the folks take charge.
And Stan Hope and Rogan hosted it?
Stan Hope and Rogan hosted it, and they cast them, and then they produced them, and that's what you get.And you wonder, they wonder why the artist is being sort of combative.
When we were doing the Man Show, they were banned from the set, the producers.
Because what it is, is you have a vision for something, you want it to be the best you can make it, and you have somebody arguing with you constantly, and they think you're arguing for the sake of arguing.
Really what you're trying to do is make the best show you can possibly make.
So they had nothing creatively to do with the Man Show for four seasons, and then they rolled their sleeves up, got together with Comedy Central, they rolled their sleeves up,
and they got to work on season five, and that's what you get when that happens.Almost never works.It never works, and that's why the arguments happen.Now, if you let them stay on set, then you just argue.And my whole thing was always this.
If something was wildly successful, as The Man Show was, and made a ton of money, and was popular, I would go home so fucking fast if someone told me to leave.Like it's essentially somebody going, we're going to stay here all night working on this.
You go home and wait by your mailbox for big fat checks to roll in.And then when you go to parties, you get to tell everyone, oh, I produced the man show.
Now, I'm sure they'll be confused because you're not a fucking funny bone in your body, but you'll still get to say, I produced The Man Show, and you'll get the big fat checks, and we'll be the ones there till midnight writing.
Who's idea was The Man Show?It was Jimmy.It was Jimmy and mine.Jimmy called me one day and he said, He said, he just went on another audition for like, you know, Good Morning Glendale with some perky blonde and him.
And he literally just said, they want women to like me.And then he paused and he said, my wife doesn't like me. It's like out of The Honeymooners.How am I going to get strange women to like me?And then he said, we need to do our own show.
And I said, yeah.And he said, yeah, just us.Just me and you.Just us.See, that's the whole thing.That's the whole genesis of it.And then we're going to talk about The Office for about eight seconds, then we got to roll.But no, the point is this.
Jimmy said, me and you, we're best buddies.I think you're funny.You think I'm funny.We're going to get together and we're going to do our show.We're going to do the show we want to do.
So when you get all the fucking retards over there at Comedy Central or over at Stone Stanley or over who's producing or whatever the group is, how many of those, how many of those idiots do you think are going to help this process?
What's going to happen to this process when you start getting more and more voices involved with this super pure, hey buddy, hey buddy, I want to do a show and I want to do it this way.How many more voices are really going to help that process?
Well, the point is they don't, but they have experience and they have big balls and they think their shit doesn't stink and they stand around and they make horrible decisions.So we eventually booted them out of the studio.
They weren't allowed to be there at taping. Jimmy's such a dick.I didn't really give a shit, you know, but Jimmy, Jimmy's a goddamn artist.
Ask them to try the rest of the show away from you so it could be their show, so you're interchangeable, so it's not Adam and Jimmy, so anyone can come in and step in.
Well, like I said, if you want to know how good they are at producing... We split.And by the way, and season five is all them, and here's how bad they are.And I'll include Comedy Central in this mix.They had the template all laid out.
Girls on Trampolines, we already thought of that.The Good Town Party Boys and the music and the theme song and the format, that's the hardest part of the whole fucking thing.The hardest part of the whole thing is getting the format all laid out.
had the format entirely laid out.It'd be like doing Season 1 of Survivor versus Season 11 of Survivor.Once it's all laid out, it's laid out.We laid it all out to them.They still managed to fuck it up royally, which says what?
They're awful.You take it they're bad at what they do.
Yes, of course, of course What could what what what other so what other answer could there be you guys are awesome and without you the show fails, right?
Yeah too many chefs in the kitchen and they're bad now chefs in the kitchen.Thank you
Then should we have listened to them in season two when they're putting their input in?No.
If you feel confident saying no.
Well, you were there.Of course.Of course.And listen, I don't mind that everyone in Hollywood, or most everyone in Hollywood, doesn't know what the fuck they're doing.
I mind the part where they pretend like they know what they're doing and have huge balls.That's the part.If they just said, look, I'm just here for a paycheck.I'll stand aside and let you guys do what you guys do.I'd be completely fine with it.
You'll go nuts trying to find a rhyme or reason.You're talking about Chelsea Handler.I mean, look at the guys from Jersey Shore, How Much Money.There's no rhyme or reason to talent equating how much you're making or having a show on the air.
Nothing has anything to do with anything.
I've heard the story before, but it's just now dawning on me that if it was cast properly, recast properly, it could have been a franchise that went on for years and years and years.
I mean, constantly, every couple of years, are we upping the comedians or whoever?Yeah, later tonight, or whatever.
So I guess it begs the question, if you had to recast it, if you were given the choice, you know what I'm saying, at the time, who would you put in there? Well, the two guys are funny guys, obviously, but not really for the show.
But here's the thing.Doug Stanhope is a really funny stand-up, and Joe Rogan is a really good comedian.So, the point is, we weren't there.Not as talent, but as creators. what the man show brand was.
Comedy Central and Stone Stanley evidently did not know what to do.They didn't know how to walk that balancing.We knew there was a balancing act of sort of being misogynist and being funny and the joke was going to be on us and blah blah blah.
And we would sit around and talk all the time and go, that's funny, it's just not a man show bit.We need to do this.And we would massage it and we were sort of clever about it.
But no one else, no one was there to tell those guys that.
Because they didn't want to hear it.Only you or Jimmy could have done that.
We could have cast people, and it wouldn't really matter who the talent was, because these are seasoned stand-up comedians that are funny guys, and if Jimmy and I stayed there and went, here's what you do and here's what you don't do, that would have been fine.
But we left, and the experts came in, and that was the end of that.And yes, it couldn't... See, Brian, you're thinking in a concrete way, which is if they just got the right two guys, this thing could have kept going.
But they didn't have the producers to produce it.They didn't have the people behind the two guys to do it.
I have to agree with you.You're absolutely right about that.
These guys could have done it.That's a better day.
I don't know about it.They just seem like the wrong guys.Maybe it was all from the fish stinks from the head, but it just seemed wrong.It just all seemed wrong.
Well, they didn't know what they meant.They actually... It's not about fish.Look it up.
It is sad that the folks that produced The Man Show and Comedy Central fell prey to the same thing that other people did with The Man Show, which they didn't know that it was a good-natured show, or if they did, they lost their way.
It was a good-natured show that people thought was a misogynistic show about angry guys.They actually turned the show into the show that the critics thought it was, all along, that it never was.
Same thing happened with Sassy Magazine, girls.
Don't you know?I remember right where I was when they jumped the shark.The point is, you could pick out David Alan Greer or whoever.I mean, you could pick out guys to play in that role without... I'm not sounding like a blowhard.
I'll say 80% of it's Jimmy.If Jimmy had stayed behind, they could be successful.Jimmy left. The producers... I'll say 90.Thanks.
The producers who'd been producing The Man Show got to actually physically get in the cockpit and steer the plane and they went to the fucking side of a mountain because that's what they do.And it wasn't them.
And you and Donny could have starred in it and we could have shepherded you through season five and turned it into a franchise.So they fucked it up.Thank you.
Which was more traumatic?That personnel change or the personnel change on The Office?
Oh, the man show by far.That's good.
Yeah, let's talk about it.
Again, we just have a couple of seconds here.
No, it was crazy.It was, I mean, you know, it's weird.Adam, you get up. Everything blurs.
I've been on seven season, but it's all blurred together sure and but it was it was intense when he left Yeah, it was like for two weeks before that all the girls were crying all the time and all the guys had colds, right?
And yeah, it was intense and and we had corrals a good guy, right?
He is a good guy.You ever met you ever meet him?I've met him and he just seems like a good guy and I never hear anything bad about he's like Will Ferrell.He's a if you
If you said, Steve, here's a million dollars, go spend a weekend in Europe by yourself or you can spend a weekend with your family.He's going to pick his family.
And if he was a douche, there would not be the love loss.I mean, there would not be... Right.I mean, there would be love loss.There would be crying.There wouldn't be the tears.There wouldn't be the lament.No one would give a shit, right?
No one would give a shit.
Right.If that was Jeremy Piven leaving the show, it would be like, yeah, all right, buddy.
Throw the big party after he leaves.
Yeah.Yeah.So he's a great guy.And I guess he's going on just to focus on features full time. you
focused on features.He couldn't stay there.His contract's up.And so it was just timing.
Well, he could stay there, right?Could they afford it?
Well, I don't know.I mean, do you have any idea?I mean, he's got to be looking around and seeing what Charlie was making.But the point is, he's going.Wait a minute, who's replacing him?I know Will Ferrell came on.
Nobody now.They're just going to have fun with the process of trying to find somebody.
Oh, it's interesting.Yeah.What were you saying, Brad?I was going to say, they added Will Ferrell to the cast.There's no way he costs less than the Steve Carell, right?Well, Will was there temporarily.
He's on an arc.He's just there for fun.It's not like signing up.He ironically gets paid almost nothing, I think.
Will Ferrell and I have, well, I don't think he goes anymore, the same dentist.And Oscar here was, is this true?You're a dental technician?
Yeah, what does that mean?
You're certified.Yeah, certified.I'm not the run-of-the-mill.
And you left the glamour of that behind for TV?
Oh, I couldn't do that.You work in a laboratory making teeth.Yeah.This is back in the 80s.You know when you go into the dentist and they take an impression?Yeah.
And they're like, well, now we're going to... and they send it to a place to get made?Yeah.That's the people who make the teeth.Yeah.What drew you to that initially? Nothing else to do.My cousin owned a laboratory.
My mom's like, you gotta do something.Were you born in Cuba?I was born in Cuba but raised in Jersey and I think kind of like you, like the guys I hung out with in high school, I didn't do drama in high school.We didn't do that.
So I didn't know I wanted to do this until I got into my early 20s.
Yeah, you don't know that this is a job.
No, they tell you it's not.No one says, go do stand-up, you're amazing, or go do an actor.That's weird, don't you know?
It's going to be a life of teeth making for you.
Yeah.No one even says, hey, write that one down, that was a good one.They're like, eh, shut up.You're an idiot.Yeah, it's weird.
You're mouthing off like that.
Yeah, I think kids today via, you know, the internet and all that kind of stuff and YouTube and everything.Now the problem is everyone thinks they can be a star or a rapper or pop sensation or whatever.It wasn't a job.
There was like, there was Bob Hope.
George Carlin and then that was it didn't Bill Cosby, but that was them and then there was you the rest of the country's not I Remember going to an audition a couple years ago, and there was some little girls They're like seven and eight and they're like oh this guy and what other moms came over is like started talking She's like well when did you start?
I said well I like in my 20s I started doing improv in New York, and she said oh you started late, and I'm like no I That's normal.This is not normal.
The rest of the country isn't taking their seven-year-olds to be tap dancing and dancing and, you know, acting and all that.
And Botox.Well, no, you should form... I think everybody should... Like, I always say, like, I love Israel's approach, which is everyone's going in the military for two years.Just two years. Four years, that's a little bit of a commitment.
One year, not quite enough.Everyone go in two years, do a few push-ups, get up at sunrise, climb a few cargo nets, get raped a couple times in the shower, and then come out with a perspective in life.
And I want my kid to play a couple years of Pop Warner football for that same reason.
I just want them, everyone should have the chance to go out, try to make it on their own, get a normal civilian job, know what it's like to live in the real world and sort of have a boss and eat a little shit and make ten bucks an hour or six bucks an hour and have some jack off.
I hate unions.I got sucked into this goddamn, uh, what are we, in SAG?Yeah, we're in SAG.Fuck SAG.I hate those assholes.
Weren't you in a carpenter's union or something when you first started?
No, I wish I was in a fucking union.Oh, you couldn't get in.
You're not allowed to say, fuck SAG.Won't they come here and inflate a rat on your face?
They get uppity.SAG gets really uppity about the folks that tell them to fuck off.But I've told them to fuck off a thousand times because I don't want to be in their shitty union.I don't want to be in any union.I don't like unions.
And SAG forces you to join their union by stealing your paycheck.And then you get a bunch of these asswipes like Tim, what's his name, and George Costanza and all that.
I'm surprised you're not a union guy.You strike me, you were talking like a union guy.Working, people, no.
He's making a face.Listen, I'll tell you what's, well first off, we're bankrupt.I mean, this city, this state's bankrupt because of these fucking unions.
We're not as bad as we thought we were, but yeah, we're bankrupt.
But it's not because of the unions.No, look, when I was working construction, and Tim Robbins, by the way, and they're all fucking weepy about the actors and how much they make.Who gives a fuck?Here's the thing.
When I was working construction, I was making about $10 an hour in the early years of construction.
Yeah, in LA.And at a certain point, somebody said, uh, what, what's going on?And, uh, Ooh, we got an earthquake rehab job for the city of Los Angeles.And I said, Ooh, earthquake, earthquake rehab.Yeah, I'll do earthquake rehab work.
Although it's super filthy, shitty, dirty work.But I was like, fuck it. So I said, great, how much?And they said, you get $19.55 an hour.I said, $19.55?I was making $9 or $10 an hour.
I mean, it doesn't sound like a king's ransom, but when you're making $9 or $10 an hour and somebody doubles your, you know, when you're looking to get from $9 to $12 an hour and all of a sudden you're $20 an hour, it's like, holy shit.
First off, I was making $19.55 an hour And everyone else was making $18.55 an hour.I was getting $19.55 because I was the best carpenter, but they paid the laborers another buck an hour for some fucking retarded reason.
On any other job site, the laborers got paid half as much.A carpenter's got $15 an hour, a laborer's got $8 an hour.But because it's the city of LA, for some reason the laborers, some union thing or whatever,
So now I'm a laborer and I'm getting $19.55 an hour and I got all these carpenters that are getting $18.55 an hour and then they have this EEOC bullshit where you have to have like a black guy and Chinese guy and a Mexican guy and a chick and we had a black guy who was a horrible carpenter and he wasn't a carpenter and I
He wore a Gucci belt, had one of my bags, my electrician's bag, I lent to him, and we had a chick who was completely worthless, and the black guy was completely worthless, and they're all just making 19, 18, 19 bucks an hour, and they're fucking a danger to themselves, and they didn't know how to handle the equipment or anything, and I thought,
You've managed to waste a whole bunch of money and fuck up all the- I know your heart was in the right place, sort of, but you managed to overpay everyone by twice as much as they needed to get paid, and you hired a bunch of people just because they either had a vagina or an afro, and they didn't know what the fuck they were doing, and you made a shitty job site, and that's it.
And that's basically- That's you had a bad experience.
No, I don't like unions.I don't like that people get paid an inflated amount of whatever.Look, why does all the filming take place outside of the state of California?The fucking unions.
You can't pay a teamster 80 bucks an hour plus golden time or whatever to fucking sleep in a van.You can pay a guy 11 bucks an hour to do that.
These are horrible union stories, but for every horrible union story, there's good ones too.
Brian and I are going to form a sidekick's union.Is this going to be a problem?
Look, you're worth what you're worth.If you have to fucking band together, you ain't worth it.That's it.That's it.That's the way I feel.In whatever job you have.
And when it comes to doing our work or commercials or whatever it is, you're fucking worth what someone will pay you, what you earn or what you think you're worth.I can go into a club and go, I want $100,000 to show up at this club and they'll go,
Fuck you.Or they can say to me, I'll give you a hundred dollars to come out to the club, and I'll go, fuck you.Well, what's the answer?We'll find it.It's somewhere between the hundred thousand and the hundred bucks.
That's how we're going to figure out whether I'm getting on an airplane and going out to the Poconos and playing a gig or not.That's it.
Now, we don't need somebody getting involved and going, no, you're getting this much, or no, you're paying that much.And by the way, you do that long enough, people go, fuck it, we're going to Mexico.
But that's a different thing you're talking about.You're talking about a talent, an individual We need rules.
Like, I'm all for the, look, let's not chain up the fire doors and force everyone to work.
Or children or whatever.Stuff like that.
No, you need rules about, you know, minors working and overtime and, you know, vacation days and all that kind of stuff.But now they've overdone it.Maybe they've overdone it.
You know what, a prisoner in California is about $50,000 a year, a prisoner.And in Texas, it's like $17,000 a year.Why?Fucking unions.So what do we do?We're fucking strapped.I blame them for everything.And all I'm just saying is, look,
I don't give a fuck about SAG or AFTRA.I don't want to be a part of either one of these unions.They force you to be in a union.By the way, you want to talk about un-American forcing you to fucking be in their shitty union?And here's my whole thing.
All right, I'm in your piece of shit union, but I'm not going to pretend like I want to be in your shitty union.I don't want to be in your shitty union.You guys can fuck yourself.And I'd rather take the money that you extract from me.
You don't ask me for it.You get a paycheck and it's missing money.Why?Oh, because you got to have dental care. Well, how about you give me the money back and I'll just get my own dental insurance?No.
Is it better for you that way?Fucking of course it'd be better for you that way.
Of course it is.I don't know.Please.
I'm not a SAG rep or anything, but... Listen.
How about they give me a choice whether I want to be involved with their fucking extortion plot or not.Their fucking Ponzi scheme or not.I'll talk to some people.Tell them Adam said fuck off.I hate being in a piece of shit union.
And they're actors, so they're so fucking precious all the time.
You're kind of just going around and... How do you really feel?
I feel like I'll get paid when I'm worth.And I'll get an agent and he'll make those deals.
And it's real convenient for Tim Robbins to cry and talk about the little people and all that.He doesn't give a fuck.Or maybe he does, but either way...
I'm not, I don't want to be involved with that, and I don't give a fuck what Ed Asner's running for this year, and I don't give a fuck who the treasurer is.You're not on the mailing list.I am on the mailing list.
I think it pisses him off.
I throw this shit away, because every time it's like, it's voting time!That is an honor, Adam!Yeah, voting for what?Yeah, and you're sitting... SAG Awards!
You're sitting there like, oh, the chick from Little House on the Prairie's running for treasurer.She's good, she's very good, Adam.Nellie Olsen?She speaks highly of you.
I'll make my own deals, I don't need you assholes.
But you still, you do make your own deals, you do, you do make your own deals.
I know, I don't care.And so do I, and so do I. It's alright, so what the fuck do you need this asshole sag for?
Not for that, I'm talking about other unions, I'm talking about teachers, police, I'm not talking about across the board.
Teachers, they're a nice union. It started off as a good idea.It spins out of control.They throw all their political might behind one candidate.He then curries favor with them.They price everything out of the fucking market.
And next thing you know, GM is in Mexico, and every fucking production is done out of Canada.That's what you get when you get that.They price themselves out of the market.All right, let's do some news. I thought we just did.
And now the rest of the news with Alison Rosen.
A couple have named their newborn daughter like after Facebook's like button.And this is not the first retarded name to come from Facebook.That's not how the article put it.But this is my own spin.There's also a child named Facebook after Facebook.
Yeah, let's see, would that fit on a jersey?Okay.And... I like like though, I'm down with like.Really?
You don't think people would be like Lee Kay?
It's true.I mean it is, but it's positive.She's Israeli.At least it's positive.
Yeah, I guess.As opposed to unfriend or something.
Is there anything you can't name a kid?It seems like we've just... Yeah, you're right.
Where does one drop line?
Well, I've said it really, whatever rules apply to the vanity license plate,
Oh, like you can't have, like, this is my daughter, Tits.
Yeah, I can't go into the DMV and go, I like cunt liquor on the back of my van.They won't do that.No, they won't do that.I'm like, even with a K?I'm Adam Carolla, no.Come on.No, they won't do it.
So there should be some review board for names that says, I don't think so.
But I bet you could name your kid cunt liquor.
No.It depends on how you spell it.They will have judges that get involved.Really?Yes.
Oh, there have been many cases where people have attempted to name their kid whatever.I'll back that only if the judges are unionized.Union judges, yeah.You gotta look for the union label.
A friend of mine grew up in Jamaica and told this story about how a kid was named Uriney, because the parents saw the word and thought it was beautiful, but it was urine.
I don't know if that sounds apocryphal to me.Sure.
I don't know.You know, your buddy, Seth MacFarlane, is going to be rebooting The Flintstones, and it's a Hanna-Barbera production.
How do you feel about this?He told me about it six months ago.So sad.
Uh, I don't know.I say yabba dabba don't.
You're looking at us all wrong.
Oh, now it'll be good?You should be excited that talented people are taking over and correcting history's mistakes.
Hanna-Barbera are fucking hacks.And somebody told me that Grape Ape was coming back or something like that too and I almost want to vomit on my keyboard.
You should hope David Fincher does Grape Ape.
As a matter of fact, I think he's involved.
But see, I know that you don't like Hanna-Barbera, but you didn't like the Flintstones at all?I feel like that's less odious than some of the other things.
Oh, oh, oh.By far their best.But still, I mean, look, every joke was, you know, he's throwing a thing down a garbage disposal, then they open the cupboard and there's a duck sitting there and he goes, it's a living.
That was a good one.That was the best fucking joke they had.They were shit.I mean, Hanna-Barbera, Sid and Marty Kroff, I mean, they're horrible.The stuff they did is horrible.This stuff is not as bad as most of the shit they do.
I hate the fact that they keep getting paydays on junk, though.But are you happy for your friend? Yeah, because he needs to make some money, that kid.
I do say this all the time when they go, hey man, these guys are this old or that old, or I don't know if they're still alive, but like I told you, Sid Marty Krav, whatever, and they're still hard at work, still hard at work. Doing what?
Rehashing shit from the 60s?Right.That ain't hard at work.All right.
A book is coming out.I've been wanting to do this story for a little while now.A book is coming out called Annoying the Science of What Bugs Us.And two science journalists looked into what it is that annoys us.
And they talk about some universally annoying things such as fingernails on a chalkboard or the smell of skunk.
Nothing.I'll tell you what I got.I was at the airport with Mike Lynch and Mike August and we were leaving out of Portland on Sunday morning and because I complain a lot on the radio when people show up at my gigs
They bring me sacks of nuts and things.
I complain that Southwest pulled the fucking nuts off the fucking plane because some pussy said they had some mystery allergy, and now they're fucking making us all suffer because their hypochondriacs whose parents beat them, and now I've got to fucking deal with this bullshit.
And so when people show up, they bring gifts for my kids, and they bring various sacks of nuts. It's a living.It's a living.So I gave it to Mike Lynch, and I said, you know, here you go, buddy.
And they bring all sorts of trinkets and fun things and whatever.And we got to the airport on Sunday morning.And Saturday night, we did the gig.And I said to Mike, I said, Mike, that big sack of planners, and Mike actually took a picture of it.
He sat on the fucking top of it.That's us sitting at the airport.That's the bottom of the Bloody Mary I was drinking, by the way, at the top. I said, Mike, you got that big sack of planters in your backpack?
Because I'm fucking starving, and we got some time here.And he said, yeah.And he sort of pulled it out, and he started to unwrap it and hand it to me, because he got into it the night before.
And as he was handing me, it was spilling out of the side of the thing.And I said, oh, you did that thing where you put your teeth on it, and you attempt to rip it open, and it goes down the side instead of across the top?And I thought,
Really all you need to do is a fucking package just go Horizontally not fucking radically and half the time whether it's chips and especially when it's a bunch of Ziploc thing do some one-on-one package opening one do something so that when 80% of people fucking bite the thing it doesn't zip down this I do it so you have to buy more nuts you're right big not and then you get this and
That's like Salamonelli's husband's name, isn't it?And then you have to sort of cradle it and carry it, and you feel like an asswipe.And then you go, wait a minute, I'm not the only guy.
And then when you try to kind of fix it, as you try to go, all right, I'm going to open a little, it rips down the side a little further.And then you go, what the fuck are we doing?
Wasting our time with nuts spilling over.
I got to tell you, there's that. That drives me nuts.Pardon the pun.And this Notion, another hotel thing.I like when you go to the hotel and they go, oh, they got the coffee maker in there and they got the thing.
That is another one that when you put it in your mouth and attempt to tear it open, you will tear into the gauze padding that's just along the end.
The soft underbelly of the weird coffee bean.
Because what they make is they make a coffee-filled gauze paddy pillow that is almost the exact same size as the square foil thing that it's in, so that when you tear it, you just get the cloud of coffee.And then there's this one, too.
Regular, decaf.Like, I figure, like, everywhere I go, like, anywhere, like, business things, like, regular, decaf.In the room, we got one regular and one decaf.There should be 135 regulars and half a decaf.Seriously.
I don't feel like we consume... Oh, shut up, Brian.I know you're dying to jump in on this one.I fucking dare you to jump in on this one. I want to talk to fucking Starbucks.Is it 50-50 decaf versus regular?
Does everyone ever go, oh, it's so early and I'm so tired.Oh, I got to get a cup of decaf in me or I can't.No, it's not fucking 50-50.So put five fucking regular ones and maybe one, but there's this thing.
And I'm always do the thing where it's like the night before I'm going to the club and I'm fucking tired or traveling, whatever.And I go, you know what?I'm going to make some coffee and get some energy going before I go to the club.
But then it's gone for that.I'm left with the decaf. It's not 50-50.I don't think it's 80-20.I know Brian disagrees vehemently.He just had some decaf the other day.
He could speak his mind, but he won't drink regular coffee, thus he has no caffeine coursing through his veins.
I did just have some decaf two nights ago, but what about international travelers who are jet-lagged and want to get to sleep?
a cup of coffee and then go to bed.That's like near beer.
That wasn't a real disagreement.However, the packets, why don't you do a little pinch thing where you pinch and pull?You know what I mean?Pinch and pull away.I have done the pinch and pull thing.
Why should he have to?Well, number one, I've done the fucking pinch and pull thing with the chips thing and never felt like more of a bitch in my life.And some of them, they still spray everywhere.
They still spray everywhere, but I feel like strongman competition trying to rip a telephone book in half.Like, I've done the fucking, come on, you motherfucking, come on.And it's like, it's not going.And then it tears all up.
Why should it be that much work?Just fucking have a chair!
Another annoying thing about the coffee makers in hotels, though, is that you pull the carafe out, and it somehow pulls the top part of it out.
The whole fucking top comes out, yes.And it always smells funky.And yes, they do that thing.
They never clean them out.
They do the thing where the top part sits on the carafe.Wait, what the fuck is that?And there's no universal anything.They're all like, somebody says, I'm going to open a new hotel.
And somebody goes, well, then you must design a new coffee maker that no one's familiar with in order to put it there.God forbid, it's like the one at home.
And you know what else?Ever since Starbucks and places like that, I'm used to like 16 or 20 ounces of coffee.
I don't need a Demi Toss.Yes, I agree.And I even did this.
I'll tell you the thing.And then the coffee always smells like weird plastic kind of.Right.And who uses Sweet and Low? Oh, all right.You want to keep me going?I'll keep going.You drink a lot of coffee in hotels.I travel a lot.I always go out.
That's it.Yeah, but the problem is you're in your room and it's like 6.15 in the morning and you don't know where the Starbucks is.You've got to make a flight. No.Alright, here's the thing.
I have stayed at some of the nicest hotels slash resorts ever around this country.Business, doing whatever.Pleasure.Had the coffee maker.Even had the Starbucks coffee and blah blah blah.Everything to the nines.And then, the little packet of creamer.
The dusty packet of creamer.Meanwhile, the minibar has a fucking fridge in it that's filled with Heinekens and Amstel Lights.How about the little cream packets? Put the little fucking cream packets in there.
Put a couple of Mini Moos in there, they could charge five dollars for them.Four star hotel, let's go Mini Moo.At my sister's wedding.And it was expensive, all the catering.
All they had, we were just talking about that this morning, all they had was a little powdered creamer.You know what, here's the thing.
People who don't drink coffee should not be setting up coffee I feel like there's a lot of people that just don't know and they're like fuck it if I catering a lot of lying on the resume is going on.Yes I Know French and Colombian.Yeah.Oh sure.
I can work one of those weird presses with the with the slinky Yeah, yeah sure.No if you're going especially at a wedding and People act like there could be the weird powder.By the way, that weird dusty fucking thing in the little packet is shit.
People act like coffee drinkers are going to go, oh, well, we got some fresh cream and we got some generic thing that says Whitener on it.It's a coin toss.No, we hate that shit.Nobody wants that shit.
You use it, that's the shit you use when you're like at a transmission shop.Or a traffic school.And you're fucking sitting there and you got the styrofoam cup and you got nothing to do with the red stir thing.And then you just feel like a junkie.
Like your, uh, uh, Ford, uh, what's her name?
Like you really want cocaine, but all you could find was crackers feet.
You feel like you're Betty Ford and you're drinking nail polish remover because you're just trying to catch a buzz.Yeah, that's it.Yeah, give me some fucking cream.And that, by the way, that would have ruined the wedding for me.
No fucking milk with the coffee, the dessert.It's your sister's wedding.
I know.Just today, my mom was saying that she was really pissed about that.
Good!But here's the thing.Where's the brains?Like, how come no one's walking around going, hey, what the fuck's this?Get this out of here.I don't know.This is the no-kill farm.
Using milk might have killed a calf.
Yeah, all right.Yeah, all right.No, that's not how they get milk Brian Now we're out of fucking time what they'll ask you talk so much couldn't get my couldn't get my thoughts together I was very enjoyable Never has a Cuban sounded Jew-ier.
That was a very Jew-y.It was very enjoyable.Coming next on NBC.Coming next.This summer.Coming next, you should laugh.
With Adam Carolla as the wacky neighbor.
You should laugh.Or your head should grow on the ground like an onion.Why not?Why not?Alright, wrap that news.Make some noise or something.
That's the news.I'm Allison Rosen.Zip it, Powdered Creamer.This is my daughter, Tits.
That was the news with Allison Rosen.
Yeah, DraftStreet.Brian, you checked out DraftStreet.com?
This is my daughter, Tits.
Daily Fantasy Sports Leagues for cash and prizes in baseball, football, basketball, and hockey.Thousands awarded every single night.Short term, man.If you know sports, part of that is some money.Yeah, have some fun.Go on the web, have some fun.
DraftStreet.DraftStreet.com.And I'll tell you what. you can sign up and use a promo code to Adam and get 30 bucks.That's right, 30 bucks to play with.30 bonus bucks, that's what I like to call it, on your first deposit.Draftstreet.com.
Tell them Adam sent you a start off at 30 bucks and see how you do.Good luck to you.All right, well that's about it.I should tell everyone that Oscar Nunez, world's greatest stand-in,
I'm sure when he's around Doug Stanhope and Joe Rogan, he's like, this guy's Adam and Jimmy, we're assholes.You guys were totally cool.You know it.Nine o'clock, NBC season finale, by the way, The Office.That is this Thursday, May 19th.
This Thursday only on NBC.And Oscar, how do people hit you if they want to do like Facebook or something like that?I went off Facebook.I can't do that.Fuck Facebook.Oh, I like that.Fuck Facebook.
That's a totally different site.
Yeah, all right.So until next time, it's Adam Kroll for Bald Brian, Oscar Nunez, and Allison Rosen saying, mahalo.I chug cock.
All right, that was Adam Kroll Show 568.That does it for today's Kroll Classics.Make sure to tune in tomorrow to the Kroll Classics feed for a brand new episode.Until next time, mahalo, and get it on.
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