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Andres?I'm here.Tito Bobby?Andres?Tito Bobby?Tito Andrew?Carlos?Macon?
Rudy, Rudy.Rudy.Come out wherever you are.Little pigs, little pigs, let me in.Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin.Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in.
Ow!Rudy, I just wanted to let you know that we're live streaming October 24th at 6 p.m.on moment.com slash my friends.It's gonna be awesome, guys.
We're doing a bad friends live show.
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Who are these two idiots?
White dude and an Asian dude.You two are disgusting.
You two are something.We're bad friends.
Yeah.Oh, see in Japan, white eyes is scary. I mean, look at that.That's horror.They can't even come to America.They get petrified.They're scared of us?Yeah, yeah.If they go to Ohio, dude, they freak out.
Oh, everybody's so scary.That's so funny.
Oh, why not?Look at that little boy, dude.A Japanese guy has nightmares of just being in, like, Canton, Ohio.
Yeah, yeah.He wakes up downtown, he's like, no, no.Yeah.State fair.I don't like a state fair.So much a corn.Yeah.So much a corn.Was that Italian?So much a corn. So much a corner.So much a corner.Don't even get me started.Oh no.
I'm telling you right now, don't even get me started.I'm telling you right now.Hey, forget about it.Oh no.
Yeah, dude.He's back.Yeah, he's back.You know what?It's astonishing to me how fat I've gotten.You're not fat. Dude, the last couple of pockets, everybody's talking about how fat I am.
Yeah, you're fat.I know.But not bad fat.It's pretty bad, dude.No, no, it's fun fat.You're fun fat.There is a level of bad fat.There is like a line of, when you're fat fat.
Well, I've had dates on like, I've gone to the beach with dates.You know what I mean?And when I take my shirt off, there is like that kind of like hesitation.
That is a bad date spot.Why are you going to the beach?What do you mean?The beach is such a bad date spot.Sand.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.I do picnics. Do it in a park.
Yeah.I bring boba.I bring it all.Buns.Boba buns?Yeah.I bring it all.
Tell me for real.How do you wash your laundry?On hot or on tap?What temperature?
Warm.I honestly don't know how any of it works.I just press regular and that's all I know about it.
And then sometimes I don't even know how to like my dryer.I don't even know how to do extension of the time.Do you dry everything?Yeah.Well, my blankets are so large that I have to hang them afterwards.I hang dry.You hang dry?
I feel like because you're supposed to it shrinks.Yeah.I have so many blankets. I really do.You're a little blanket boy?I just have a lot of blankets, but I get them at parachute.
What is that?To jump from a plane?
No, no, it's a- Some sort of fancy bullshit.It's fancy blankets and sheets.Free waffle cut and throw.Yeah, yeah.Look at that.How much is it?They're expensive.
I don't get the- Those are bathrobes.Go to the fucking blankets.
What's the point of a bathrobe?Yeah, I don't know what it is.What's the point?You wrap in a towel, and then you walk around in the towel until you're dry, and then you put on some underwear. Yeah.I guess if you're old and you're cold a lot.
They're pretty reasonable. $3.29. Yeah, that doesn't seem crazy, I don't even know.Probably seems like... I've got the Jenna Jameson collection from Target.Oh, that's nice.Yeah.Is it good?Nothing sticks to those sheets.
There's still... I can't stain them.
Dude, so Dave Navarro texted me the other day.What?That's rad.Right, no, but it's so... Not rad.Because you know what happened, right?What happened?With him and Perry Farrell.
Oh, I saw Perry like... What did he... He like pushed him on stage, they got into a fight.
So Dave Navarro after getting to a fight text you yeah, but I don't know if it was for me So check this out.I'm being real take this out.What do you say he goes um?
Whoa so he texted me come in here come in here this come here and sit down set him up in the blue chair sit down In the blue chair the blue chair Ladies and gentlemen Tim Dill Tim the infamous off on this chair
Swear to God if what happens if I injure myself What okay?
She's a very big possibility.Yeah, that's a you probably fine.
We're talking about we're talking about Dave Navarro get so Dave remember Dave Ramone Navarro Yeah, what happened to him with Perry Farrell on stage have you seen this clip?Jane's addiction yeah, yeah, look at he pushed him.
This is like a week ago.This is a week ago He looks like he's juiced up Look at this, he's pissed off.He's pissed off, look at him.Stomping around.When Perry's like that, you gotta back away.Yeah, dude, he looks amped.Yeah.He's angry.
He's like, he's like, James says, look at James says.Right, look at him.
And then he starts to attack.Yeah, yeah.Coming down the mountain.Look at him.He's just trying to amp him up.Let's go, play your licks.He goes, what?What are you doing?Whoa, what is going on there, dude?Weird.
All right, so Dave Navarro will text you after this.So a few days later, so Thursday, he goes, did you just wake up from a dream I was in? Whoa, did you?Yeah, ironically.Yes.Wow.So this is and then because it's obviously for a girl, right?
So then I go what I've been dreaming about you for years Play the girl thing.Good.Are you okay from that stage incident and nothing?Yeah, that makes sense Yeah, so it was a girl that he was trying to tag a name Bobby bo bbi.Yeah.
Yeah, but she she might have also cared about how he was yeah, I What do you mean?Well, I mean she could have asked that.
Oh, yeah, she could have.Absolutely.But why didn't he respond?
Because he didn't get the answer he wanted.Yeah.Oh, should I do another answer?Absolutely not.Okay.That's the way to get a number block.You do one more, you're going to come up green.Oh, really?Okay.Yeah.Ladies and gentlemen.Tim.
We've never potted together.
Never. No, she really want to stay because he canceled a tiger belly three times.You've canceled at me multiple times.No, that's not that's insane.
You've canceled Bobby's canceled that we've both can't say that you would even say that we've both Tim Tim Tim everybody knows Bobby never canceled I've canceled more You cancelled first.I cancelled first and I've cancelled more.You have cancelled.
Okay, but you know the game tag where you tag and then you run away, right?I didn't start the game tag.You did.
I fully take responsibility for cancelling first. And then let me ask you this, but I believe if I had not cancelled first, you would have cancelled.That's correct.That's what you believe.That is my belief.It's my belief.
It's a belief system, yeah.You are the cancel king.You cancel constantly.
But we both can.By the way, the funniest thing ever is when me and Bobby are both on a lineup and neither one of us go.All the time.
Happens all the time.That is very funny.I get a call from a producer going, I had Tim and Bobby cancel.Are you around?
We never show up a lot of times we don't stuff happen.Yeah, well sometimes I call you One time I called you and I go are you going and you go?I'm not going I go.I'm not going either Yeah, that one time you both do that a lot to the one time.
I sent him a coven test I sent him a photo of a coven of the coven by the way years after go years Many years.Many years.Young kids didn't even know what it was.
I was sending him a picture of the COVID lines.But he didn't send the promoter that test, but I did.So he said that I had COVID to the guy, right?But then I actually sent him the test that he gave me to him.Right.Brilliant.
Saying that I have it, right?So it makes him look like he didn't have it.Correct.Yeah.Right.Good move, Bob.
I mean, you know. Yeah, but the thing is me and Bobby will lie and then get found out and then we don't care that much It doesn't matter.
Yeah, we don't care No one's gonna get that mad that's the price it doesn't matter we're being used that's right we are it feels like we're being used It's like some guy that I've never said hi to me before.Yeah, it's not hey, can you do my show?
Yeah, you'll put me on the flyer, right?
That's why and they'll use your name to sell tickets, right?
I don't show up, right? One promoter, and I'm not gonna say who.Can I guess?You can guess after I've said this.Okay.One promoter literally said, I can't pay anyone tonight because my father has Alzheimer's.I swear to God.
And then that person said, that was the way, and I was like, okay, I guess.
God damn.Well, yeah.Have you canceled?You cancel.
There's times I have to cancel.
If I'm just like, if I just can't make it if we're doing too many pods and all this bullshit, I'm never gonna make it.
You'll cancel because you're tired.True.Yep.
Every now and then Emily at the store will call me, she'll go, are you close?I'm at Nobu Malbu and I have a tuna roll in my mouth.You're that far, you're that far.I go, oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm right down sunset.Yeah, you're the most nightmarish person to follow.That's not sure.Yeah 100% It's very nice of you.
I've heard you say this before and I really appreciate I've texted Emily that that's very nice But I feel that way about you.
I hate going up after you when you're on dude, it's unfollowable.Well, that's When you're off I like it But when you're on, dude, oh my god.When I'm off, I'm off.But if I'm on, it's good.But you're funnier when you're off.
Because you get angry.By the way, I agree with you.Yeah, yeah, yeah.I agree with you.But I love you.I feel like we have a similarity in that sense.Just energy-wise.Yes.Yeah. Because sometimes we don't want to do it.What's going on?No, I'm listening.
Sometimes we don't want to do it, and we have shorts or sweatpants on, and we're on stage, and we're angry that the audience came.And that's the best time.
You're moody girls.You're both moody little girls.Also, he also contemplates things afterwards sometimes.Yes.So he'll go, maybe I should open my own club.Remember that one time?Yes, guys. That's what you call having my mental illness?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.A full mental break?Yeah, because he was trying new stuff and you know what I mean?I get ya.The main room can be packed.Just wasn't working.There's a pressure.Sure.Right?
And so... Tim's the only comic that's tri-coastal.Tim moved to fucking...
They moved to Austin for seven minutes, came back, moved back to New York, came back, went back to New York, bought a house again in New York, bought a house here, sold a house in Austin.Right, you had a Hamptons thing, right?
Yeah, got one out there still.Still?Well, we're opening the mother ship Hampton. Which is coming up and it's very exciting.Gotta get out there.I'm trying to get Joe to do Mothership Vegas.That would make more sense.Wouldn't we be all happy?Yeah.
That'd be great.Mothership Vegas would be great.I'll move there.There's really no club where we can go.Is there?In Vegas?I mean, there's millions of clubs, right?
But it's like where I'm going to feel like, I want to go there twice or three times a year. Playboy, there's a playboy comedy.There used to be this thing called playboy comedy.And you'd want to go because it was a simple gig.
Sometimes it's just one show a night.It was Friday, Saturday.
Steve Byrne was doing it.
It was Ahmed Ahmed.Oh yeah.And what's that little, um, his partner, what's his J.J.J. Davis.J. Davis.J. Davis.
Yeah.I knew I heard about this.I never was privy to this playboy comedy room in Vegas, but it closed down, right?Yeah.It was at the palms.It was the best.
Anyway, now there's no there's a bunch of clubs out there But you're gonna go and you're probably gonna dip into a theater is the problem No, you'd want to play a club there.
You guys are theater guys.I'm a club guy.
Yeah, right.You're a fucking theater What do you theater guy or club guy?I like them both.
Okay, just depends on you know, I like them both.Yeah What's up with your nose right now, dude?
I don't know.It's like I had like a thing.I'm having like a thing.What do you mean?I'm having an allergic reaction to something.
It doesn't even look real.
No, I know.It's like a red... I've had like an allergic reaction to something.
You gotta change your face wash, Tim.I know.I've been telling you that for years.
What's that the glasses, the nose thing that you get at novelty shops?It's like a modern version of that.
I know.It's crazy.I don't know what it is.I was on a medication and I had a reaction to it.Can you take your glasses off?Antibiotics.
Yeah.Yeah. Yeah, keep them on, keep them on.See?That's why I'm wearing them.Better with them on.
That's why I'm wearing them.So are you in town for a while?I love, first of all, you have the best parties.
The parties are decent, yeah.Unbelievable.You go to those parties?Yeah, of course.Yeah, they're the best.
Your parties are the best.
Do I go to the parties?You're there for five seconds, and then you leave.
I know, but I love just coming in and out, but... My godson met you, and he's Chinese, and loved you.It was a big night for him.
Oh, that's what we were gossiping about?The Chinese kids?Yeah.Wow, that was great.It was a little Chinese baby.
Yeah, yeah, it was beautiful.That is the funniest part about Tim's party.You'll see a TikTok star and a little Chinese baby all in the living room together.Caitlyn Jenner for no reason.Yeah.Yeah, yeah.
How do you know her?You know, we're both patriots.We love the country.Yeah, yeah, yeah.We love America.Yeah, yeah, yeah.I like her.I'm fascinated by her.I think she's got an amazing American life.
Yeah, yeah, she does, yeah.Amazing American life.
There's very few countries you can do what she did.
Think about it.Well, explain it to us.Let's say we're from a European nation, all right?
Yeah.What, Cyprus?Is that one?It's probably more likely that we're from an Eastern European country.
We're from an Eastern, maybe like on the border of Russia and China, so we kind of look Asian maybe, and some people look white.
It's very difficult to be born a guy, become an Olympian, become the spokesman for Wheaties, Marry a woman whose husband defended another athlete who murdered his wife Yeah, then have a bunch of stepdaughters.
One of them does a sex tape They all become billionaires the most famous people in the world you then decide that actually you were a woman this entire time
Yeah, you get surgery to become a woman and then decide that the only way to save America is to elect Donald Trump Wow, that's a pretty American story American and become female the year on Vanity Fair Yeah, that's right.
And then also kill someone somewhere in between and then kill a woman in Malibu with your truck.Oh Did she really do that?
Yeah.Yeah.She killed a lady.Is that real though?Unintentionally.Unintentionally.It's an accident.There it is.There it is.And when was that?In Malibu.It was a couple of years ago.Wow.I mean, right?And it was mid-transition, right?That's right.
I'll tell you what, that sped up the transition.Wow.She was unfocused.You got to finish the job at that point.
She was unfocused.Yeah, yeah, I didn't brandy to kill somebody too.
Yeah, brandy killer in the car accident Yeah, and then she kind of disappeared after that because she didn't transition.
Oh, is that what you get one?Yeah, I think you get one car accident.There's a certain level of fame.You get to kill one person in a car.
Yeah, that is true.Well, let's go through the um, another guy.Would you know anybody?I know that's killed someone in a car a celebrity.No
Well, yes, I do.What?Yes, I do.Who?Ferris Bueller.
Yeah, that's who I was thinking about.
Yeah, he came with Molly Ringwald, right?In England.In England.When they were like 17.Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then... Laura Bush, George W. Bush's wife.Wow.Really?Killed someone in a car.
Yeah.Another Bush.Ted Kennedy.Ted Kennedy.Killed someone in a car.Yeah, killed somebody.How about this?Another Bush, different family, the Anheuser-Busch son, Augie Bush maybe, killed a guy in college, DUI.And the Sonny Bono, Got killed by a tree.
That's right You know that if my if I was killed by like a really rich person.
Mm-hmm Let me tell you how easy it would have been to get my parents to not press charge Explain how easy that would have been it would have been a five-minute conversation.Oh Okay.Uh, they would have sent like not even their top people.
They would have sent some very low level attorneys to my parents' house in Long Island.Uh, my parents, they, they would have just said, listen, we can kind of, we can, you know, we can mitigate this.We can mitigate this.We can make it go away.
And they would have said, we think you deserve like $44,000.My mother and father would have lit up. They would have said, can we do 50?And they would have said, absolutely.
And they would have given them 50 grand and my mother and father would have dropped the case.Immediately.
Especially because you were such a troublemaker when you were a kid. Listen, I'm from them.They were troublemakers.But the problem is, in 1997, 50 Gs, it's real money.
Real money.Pay off the house.It's real money.My parents were so immigrant, they wouldn't even know the rules.Right.Like, oh, he die?Yeah, he died.Good.No, not good.Oh, no.Right?There'd be an oh, no.One oh, no.Yeah, yeah.
That's also what my parents would have said.
My parents would have also.
Oh, no.Asian accents.But they assume it was your fault.
Oh yeah, and even if they offered them money, my parents wouldn't understand.They'd be like, well, $44,000?And my dad would be like, I don't have.Yeah, right, right.
I don't have a portable.They end up making your dad pay.
And they're like, well, we'll see you later.OK, bye.And then my dad would feel like he got one.You know what I mean?Yeah, he won.He won one.
Although we had to pay 44, we didn't have to.
You're allowed to, yeah, so a certain level of fame, I guess.Who's at the cusp that got washed away then?Who's killed someone that never returned?Who never made it back?I don't know.Who never made it back?
Well, lookit, what is this gonna do to, what's his name?Who?Alec Baldwin.Alec Baldwin.He's fine, he went to court, he got acquitted.
He did?Yeah.I think he was kind of on the back nine anyway.So he's done now?No, well.
Yeah, he is.He's probably done.He's done.He's done.No more court.But he's so famous.I know, but he didn't do anything.
Yeah, he killed a lady.He shot a woman.I know, but, I mean... I get it.You're on set, you're like, you think... You know why you're doing this?He's doing this because one day this accident could easily happen to him.Oh, really?
You fucking around on a set, I could easily see this.I could do it with a machete, I think.You break all the rules.Yeah, yeah, yeah.Bobby, please be careful with this.
The thing about Alec Baldwin is afterwards, he didn't, and I like him, and he's a great guy, did his podcast.I think he didn't seem super remorseful. That was the problem.I think he had to turn on the remorse like a little more.
Like he, he was kind of like agitated by the whole thing.
Frustrated.Like he was kind of like, what is this?That was his attitude.Like he'd shot the woman in the head and then his attitude was like, what's, hey, what the hell's going on here?
On set you think he did that?
That and like in publicly in the media, they were like, you shot a woman and he goes, he was like, listen,
You know, like yeah, and that was the energy right right right the interview started with listen.I think he said listen No, he did like accidents happen on set.
Yeah, and they're putting that woman away that armorer.
Yeah, they she's going to prison good Yeah, she's going to prison the woman that supplied the gun.
Ah She goes the movie come out ever.
No, no chance.I'm lost.Huh?Yeah, but does it come out?
I hope it comes out.I just got Cass and Russ 2.
What?I just got Cass and Russ 2.
Yeah.It's gotta come out.
You should have made a partisan ad.
It's coming out in 2024 at the end of the year.Whoa.You think it'll do good numbers?Huge.
Huge.I'd watch it.I'll watch it.I definitely want to see the scene.They left it in there, didn't they? That's The scene he shoots her in the scene, right?
They should have a little No, no, but there weren't wasn't he practicing a scene he was he would they were doing it.
They were doing Oh, they gotta leave that scene.Yeah Would they leave him And I'm like, that's kind of a brilliant marketing, but kind of insensitive.
What if they did that though?No, but they're doing a walkthrough of a scene.
By the way, please, God, please do, when this gets released, please, in very poor taste, do at the end, in memoriam, and then her face. Please do a very poor take, just to prove that Hollywood is still Hollywood.
At the end, do In Memoriam, and then go, don't even say her name.What did she do again?What was she?She was a... Cinematographer.
No, she was the DP, right?Yeah.
I saw Christopher Reeves. There's a new Christopher Reeves documentary coming out and the kids, his children made it.And apparently it's really good.Their story.Their story.
But there was a, it's like a footage of him at the Academy Awards like a year later.And he comes out on the stage and the audience are just, they're trying to be emotional and be supportive.But there's also some people are like in a horror.Why?
Like I saw Brad Pitt kind of go,
It goes back, I'll tell you why.Why?Brad Pitt's going, I've been on a horse.Yeah.Oh, right, right.What if that happened to me?That's it, yeah.Brad Pitt's like, oh boy.
The audience is kind of like, like this.
That is kind of wild.It's wild.That picture, zoom into that photo.That kind of looks like a Madame Tussauds. Are you sure that's real?That seriously looks like a Madame Tussauds.It is.
Oh, so put on, like, football gear or something, I mean, because the- Football gear?You want him to come out dressed like a Dallas Cowboy?No, but what I'm saying is, because the body is withered.Got it.Yeah.
So put on some, I get it, like baggy- Bulk him up.
Bulk him up a little bit.
Like a wrap outfit.I mean, he's just like, you know what I mean?
Talk about Bobby Lee the Costumer.
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So just, if that was custom, I'm putting some padding.Yeah.I would just put some padding in.He's Superman!Bulk him up.Yeah, bulk him up there.
Well, it would be kind of tight if he did have a Superman shirt underneath the suit.That would have been the crest.Right.That would have been the move.So who, wait, so his kids are making a doc about him right now.
And when does this come out?
Soon.Look at the hands.Okay, anyway.
Was he ever unparalyzed? What do you mean?Not so super, huh?Did it ever get better?No, it got worse and worse.
It was a real, awful spinal cord injury.
Yeah, I don't know why you asked that.
Well, no, I don't remember it.
No, I don't think they call it a horsey.Not after you've ruined someone's ability to walk.You think the horsey got in trouble?I think that horse is glue now.Sadly, that horse is gone.It lives with Whitney Cummings.Whitney has it.
Whitney's got it.Whitney would show it to you.She'd go, this is Christopher Reeve's horse.She'd go, this is the horse that killed Christopher Reeve.
And they were going to kill it, but I decided it should come here and watch me do makeup tutorials on Instagram Live.Yeah, because she has knickknacks.That's right.
On the shelves and stuff?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.So that's interesting, yeah.She would have the thing that killed an American, that hurt an American hero.That would be, she would take pride in it.
Yeah, like the body of Bubbles, like Michael Jackson's.She definitely has Bubbles stuffed his monkey in a room.
This was Bubbles Pacifier.Do you know that?Born in 1983.This was such a polarizing thing when he would walk around with this monkey.
Bubbles?Oh, wow.You can see him at the mothership this weekend on Kill Tony.Bubbles will be there.How long did Bubbles live?Give it up for the great Bubbles.Huh?He's alive still.Yeah, you better believe it.Is Bubbles literally still alive?Wow.
He's 40 years old. Wow.No, 40.It says 1983 he was born.
He's at the Center for Great Apes.
That was the craziest Google, Bubbles now.
I knew Google would happen.
Despite the fact that he is very photogenic, Bubbles is difficult to photograph because he does not like the camera.Often will turn his back when he sees a camera.
Well, Bubbles knows the camera's the one that causes all the problems.
That's exactly right.That's where the pain begins.
Yeah. I mean, Bubbles could have gone chimp crazy like the documentary.
Chimp crazy?I haven't seen it yet.Fantastic.It's fantastic.Yeah.And it's about a chimp who loses it.It's about a group of people who are in the- Chimp industry.Chimp industry.
And it focuses what you would think was supposed to be on an original lady, but it ends up being about this woman right here.This lady.And her involvement in the chimp trade.
What is the chimp industry?
Oh, dude.What do you think it is, Tim?Exotic animals?Yes.In the state of Missouri, there is no exotic animal ban law.So in Missouri, you can buy, sell, and trade exotic animals that are on the ban list in most places.
But did you notice in the documentary, she has the little ones too.She's got them all, spider monkeys.But still, their deep, like the coveted thing is chimp. They can have 50 of the little guys, right?But they're like dreaming of chimp.
Right.Chimp, the biggest one you can have?No.
Gorilla.You can get a gorilla?No, you can't, but I'm sure that's the biggest one.That's the hope.Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I think they can, seriously, I think they can have any... You can have a gorilla.
There's no way you can have a gorilla.
Look at that.What's the largest exotic animal you can purchase in America?On the documentary, they show you one of these exotic animal auctions.People buy the wildest fucking shit.
You know, like, have you ever seen those, like, sheiks that have, like, just white tigers in their fucking kitchen?
It was in a house in Beverly Hills.Supposedly, there was a guy who had a couple of tigers in the backyard.Incredible.Pretty fucking cool.
Yeah, it is.It's pretty sick.In the documentary, though, they show past incidences, like, famous incidences with chimpanzees, and you notice when the chim... Because they never leave the house, and they're in a cage, right?
They're supposed to be around a chimp.And then one of them, right, for, like, a year would just be sitting there, like,
Rocking back and forth, right?What do you do at that point?
It's gonna kill you.Am I doing a good job?
Yeah, that looks like you.Why would you have a chimp and just have it sit in a cage and do that?It's kind of disturbing.Well, psychologically, what they break down in this is... That's not even impressive.No.
If I went to your house and I saw an animal doing this... Yeah, yeah. I'm like, that's not really that cool.No.Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got to get my Uber.You have a fetal monkey.They talk about in the thing, they talk about the psychology of these women who fall in love.They think that they value them more than their own children because she says it in there.
She goes, a baby only needs you for so long.The chimp- That's what it is.The chimp needs you for life.
It's a baby. That's a baby forever.
Forever.They have the needs of a baby.That's what it is.And they never grow, even when they're 40, they don't grow out of those like instinct needs of you.But if they don't get to play with other monkeys at some point, that's it.Yeah, that's it.
So these are women. who wanna have a baby forever, so they get a chimp.
And they have babies of their own, but after like three or four years, they're like, eh.
Well, the kids even say, there's kids interviewed in the documentary, they're like, she doesn't fucking love us.
Oh, there's no way any of these women are good mothers.Oh, no.No, no, no, no, no.There's no way their kids are like, she was an amazing mom, and also had this chimp.
There's something broken.Something broken, yes, something broken, something broken.
Yeah, they talk about the kid, they interview some of the kids, and they have to, unfortunately, on camera, Passively go.No.Yeah.No, she cheap.She she did a good job raising us.
She just loves she loves her chimps Yeah, I mean you can see the sadness in the through line.It's right.It's the documentary's Fantastic.Does the do this any of the chimps act out violently?
I mean... They show you some footage on there, it's wild.There's one that I had to pause and walk away and go, that's... I can't do that.
Well, you'll remember when we were kids, famously one of the women went on Oprah because her face... This is what happens.Her face was taken, removed.She went on... Look at the picture of the chimp attack woman, Oprah.Yeah, that's the... Is that her?
Yeah. She went on Oprah and she had to wear a veil.Tim, you would love this for your new show.
I got to be honest, not only would I love her for the show, but I don't think she looks that bad.
No, she doesn't.It's not bad.
She actually doesn't look that bad.By the way, there are people in LA walking around that look exactly like that.In Beverly Hills.I've lived here long enough where that doesn't shock me.An old gypsy woman with one eye?That shocks no one.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've seen that too, I guess.
Look at her up on, a chimp woman on Oprah.She had to wear a veil and then Oprah, that's the funniest clip.They use it in the movie.Oprah goes, can we lift up the veil?Oh, yeah, yeah.
Now, wait a minute.Is that Oprah?Which one?Who's that?That's Oprah, Tim.What the fuck?Yeah, that's Oprah.No, I don't mean is that bad.It's before the money.By the way, that's almost no thought being put into that video.
All she should think about is the veil.I know.It makes it more ominous almost.Yeah.Yeah, yeah, yeah.It's scary.
This looks like the Batman villain.
Well, this is a perfect, like, this is an Islam, like, go with that.Go with that.
It's time to start thinking about it.Yeah.
You think just wear a hijab.Oh, for sure.Just convert to Muslim.You convert immediately.That's actually smart.The documentary, though, it does something
It's so powerful the way it tells this story because, I'm not giving anything away, but the guy who's making it can't- There it is.The guy who's making it can't really make it.They have to go incognito while they're making it.
It's brilliant because he's a known figure.Because he directed Tiger King.Tiger King.
Oh.Right?And then when he asked the lady, can I do it?And they're like, I don't want to work with you.
Nobody in the chimp community likes this guy because he's exposed the exotic animal community.So they hired he'd hired an actor to act as the director.
It's fascinating.It's fascinating.It's amazing.It's such a great job.It's a great job.
Yeah, I want to see characters like this on your show.And that's a perfect transition because I do want to talk about it.Tim's got a new show on Netflix.
Yeah, we're excited about it.We're trying to get people like this who don't have faces.
Yeah, what is it and I want this is your country.Oh, this is the talk show.Yeah, it's a talk show We're trying to bring back like a Jerry Springer type I concept, you know, this was my senior ditch day in high school We went to Jerry Springer.
That's awesome.Was it in Connecticut?
No in Chicago.Okay out of Chicago's out of Chicago Yeah, we did a senior ditch day and went down there and it was it dude I love Jerry Springer so much in high school because it was It was a perfect world of comedy.It was pure comedy.Yeah.
And it's comedy on purpose where people are taking it serious, but you're like, do you not understand that this is- No, I think it's funny.
It's also those shows end up being weirdly a better satire of America than The Daily Show.
Because this is what we got.These are the voters.These are the people.
Real people.These are no scripts.They're not actors.They came on.We did like 20, 25 minutes with each group.We edited it down because a lot of people that aren't accustomed to being on TV will just drone on for hours about something.
So you got to edit it down.But it's amazing.Can we show the trailer?Absolutely.
Before you do, can I ask you a favor?Sure. Could I please... You know how in... What's his name?Just breathe, it's okay.I'm very emotional about it.
I just want to be like a handler.Come, be a handler.Like I bring guests on stage.
I don't say much.Yes.Like Steve.Steve Wilkos.Yeah, Steve Wilkos.That's what I want to be.He was security.
Yeah, but I'll be security.Making him security is so fucking fun.We want security that, like, the idea would be security that runs away.Like, I just want cowards.I want cowards.Dude, dude, dude, I gotta be your main security.Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We want cowards.We want people running away.You never introduced me.You never introduced me.By the way, nothing is better than if a melee brawl starts and me and you run away out of the studio.It would be the greatest moment ever.Please.
You don't even have to pay me.Let me do it, please.Oh, absolutely.Okay, cool.Thank you.All right, let's see it.I do want to watch it again.It's fantastic.
You're here to confess to your girlfriend that you used to do porn.
Hello pigs, I think we can all agree that you're the rotting corpse of an empire and we live in hell.Your husband brought you here today because he wants to confess something. Wait a minute, hold on.
Let's talk to the food poison, drug addictive sex criminals who live here.You can play Minecraft, Fortnite.I've never met a more hateable person.How do you think she's going to react when you tell her?What?Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a second.No.Are you insane?Should we pop it up?
Should we pop it up? Since I was a child, I don't know any life that's not like this.Oh, that's... Oh, shut the f**k up!
This is what America's about!
The Unabomber wants to say... Bring out the BBL! My name is Tim Dillon, and regrettably, this is your country.Wow.
We had some homeless people, I think, in the audience, because we shot it in Van Nuys, and people came out of tents and got in the audience.Central Castle, right?It was great, yeah.You've done one episode.We've done one.
We're putting it out, and we're super excited.We didn't know what was going to... It was a weird thing, because they wanted us to do something political, and I was like, it's boring. It's just boring going to a political convention.
Nobody's going to ever do it better than Triumph.Nobody's going to ever do The Daily Show better than Jon Stewart.So I said, maybe we'll bring back something people haven't seen in a while and it'll just be silly.
We have dream ones that we couldn't get, but our dream segments are like, my husband said he was at January 6th, but he was just cheating on me.
My sugar daddy's gonna cut off my Ozempic and I'm scared of what I'll eat Things like that like we have dream ones.We're like we want to put things out into the universe and get these people Yeah, yeah, but I didn't see any violence.
There's no real violence because The people there, there is arguments and there is anger, but violence is harder to get to.And a lot of the Jerry violence, I think some of it was staged.It was a lot of it was staged.And none of this is staged.
So the reality is it's like, our hope is that if we get more episodes, there is violence.
Naturally, there needs to be violence.The hope is that we're going to get violence.
But we have the word now.We learned a lot doing it.We made some mistakes and then corrected them so that, you know, we had two shoots.We figured it all out.
And then, like, we're going to try to get, you know, if we keep doing it, like, we'd love to get some people that really are going to attack each other a hundred while me and you run out.
Yeah. Jerry Springer did turn into this fake fight show, which I think was partially the demise of the show, because it organically was so wild.It's got to be organic.
Somebody's got to really want to fight.Somebody's got to want to fight, but we have a guy confessing he lost a lot of money to his wife with crypto. Like, you know, we have all kinds of stuff going on that's interesting.
Guys think I used to be a porn star, this chick, like, and these are all real things, but, like, nobody slapped anybody else.But, you know, knock on wood, that could happen.
Yeah.I really hope it does.That's the hope.My name is Yashi Toto for this.
Yeah, he's still working on the character.I'm working on the character, dude.
No, it's me and you run out of the studio during a large fight, and then there's a kind of an older female security guard who is tasked with handling everything. Do you have this woman cast?No, but it would be hilarious.
A female, like an older female security guard trying to get a handle on everything.Me and Bobby sprint out of this studio.Yeah, yeah.
Let her deal with it.Yeah.
That's not your problem.I can't wait.
I hope this is a hit.I hope it is too.When's it come out? October 1st.
October 1st.October 1st.It'll be out on Netflix.You gotta go watch it.Yeah, we hope it... It should be fun.There's no chance it won't be successful.I told you, it's fantastic.
Well, I'm glad we did this and not... Because they were like, go to the convention and talk to people.And I go, why?There's 20 people doing that.
And then they were really cool.Netflix was awesome.We said, we'd like to do this.And they said, okay, cool.And left us alone.
Wow.Because if you go to the convention and do the chat things, that's already on YouTube.There's like a dozen of those videos right now.Everybody's doing that.You'll never beat YouTube.It's fast.It's already out.
It's already out.And it's going to, what's the point? Yeah, there's nothing to be learned anymore about people's like opinions about politics The only thing that's left to be learned is like how are people living?What are people doing?
That's the more interesting element than like why you like Trump or why you like Kamala?It's like what are you how do you earn money? How does your family dynamic work?Who do you hate and why?
Would you take this to another state and shoot it in different places?I would shoot it wherever, absolutely.I think it'd be interesting to shoot episodes in different spots.I know that's more expensive.No, no, I agree with you.
Because then you really get a gist of shoot it in Nevada, then you're in Washington.We flew these people in.Oh, you did?Yeah.From all over?From all over.
Okay, right on.It depends on where they'd want to shoot it, but I would shoot it wherever.
Let's take these people that got flown in.What was the general spot that a lot of them came from?We talking Florida?I'm trying to think.
There was Colorado, there was Florida.
Gotta be Florida.How do you submit to be on the show?
What we do is a casting call.We're like, are you this person?Do you want to reveal a thing?Do you want to do whatever?People do it.People are like, why would anyone go on that?I go, anyone will do anything.I love all this idea.
People are like, why would anyone go on a show like that?You go, anyone will do anything. What are you talking?Are you crazy?There's no value to dignity anymore in this country.There's no economic value to it and there's no emotional value.
Like you don't even sound good anymore if you tell someone you passed up on something and you go, I'm not going to go make a fool out of myself.No matter what it is, people go, I don't know. No matter what it is.
It used to be like 20 years ago you'd tell a guy at a bar they want me to go make my family into a laughing stock and I'm not doing that and the guy go good for you now the same guy goes I don't know I would have maybe done that.
There's not much left there's no meat on the bone in the country so it's like maybe something would have walked out may have worked out you know.
What did you think you learned in the course of the show?What's the collective thought after seeing all these people do all this shit?What's like the one thing you took away from it?
Genuinely.Genuinely, what I took away was number one, how hard it is to do these types of shows.Because you don't have a script, you can't just re-edit and go back and say, let's do it again.That's not the way it works.
If somebody's going to say something to someone else, they say it one time, you're doing it in front of a live audience.So I had to learn how to be a talk show host.And because of my podcast, I do it by myself.I just talk.
So for me, it was like listening to people and then, and I would lose track of time.So I'd near PCN and they'd be like, all right, you've done 10 minutes with them.And I'd go, oh, okay, bring out the guests.
Because there's always somebody we're bringing out.And a lot of the times the people in the chairs don't know. So I'm like, you know, somebody's been listening backstage and then we bring somebody else out.
So it's like, it was learning how to do all of that.
And then me like appreciating Springer, Jenny Jones, Ricky Lake, Donahue, Maury, all those people who did shit like that, Sally Jesse, appreciating it and going, oh, that was not, it was not as easy as it looked.
Right. It's not.I mean, you have to be a host and you have to be kind of this, you're almost manipulating them as you're telling the story with them.
And those shows did it every single day all year.We had one shot.We had two live shows, Saturday and Sunday, and we edited them.We shot 11 of these segments.We kept five.Yeah.
So it took a minute but as we get better at it we would be able to like we would know now I know more about like okay I understand why that segment well some people say they have a problem with each other and then get on stage they really don't of course they really don't.
We would find that out when we did Bad Friends Live stuff we'd find out yeah people would bail on a thing that we thought they were really committed to
We had a woman who's a QAnon mom and all the producers were like, she's a nut.Wait till you hear what she says.She's crazy.And then I brought her on stage and go, what's your craziest opinion?She goes, I like Trump.I go, all right, come on.
Anything else?I'm like, are there tunnels underground?Give me something.I'm pro second amendment.I like Trump. And the LA producers were so crazy that they thought that was the most controversial.
They're like, wait till you hear what she says.And she's like, I just think Biden's too old.And they're like, see?What a fucking nut job.And I'm like, oh no, this isn't.
But we did find some people that were, it was really good and there was some magic on it that happened where you're just in awe of it.Some shit went down where you do just stand back and go, what the fuck is happening?And it's kind of wild.
Well, the reason why this has legs is because there's two other comics that I can think of that had this, a daytime show.Do you know who they are?
Well, I don't remember.No.I mean, probably. Oh yeah, Kirk did, he did a thing.And Greg Barron.Greg Barron.
But the problem with those shows is that they try to be molded into a talk, like they're playing a role.But you, you're yourself here.That's right, yeah.That's why this is, I think.
Well, he's in on the joke.
Yeah, that's what it is.These guys were trying to like, wow, you know, well tell us, you know, they were just playing like some role.
But we're basically like Netflix, we were talking to them and we go, we want to satirize like America.And then the idea was like, well, let's talk to, Political figures and everything and I'm like, but that's not America.
No, so the Republican and Democrat conventions are not America And I thought about it and I was like, I mean my collaborator Brian Frangie really smart good writer we were like
and I work with him on stuff, but he produced, co-produces, we came up with the idea of basically going like, why don't we just do like a talk show like we grew up with, but with modern problems.
I wanna talk about Joker 2.
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By the way, let's make some news because I'll talk right about it.Tim was in Joker 2, you guys know that?I'll speak about it right now.And he plays a security- A lot of people are shitting on it in the press.Why?They're panning on it.
I don't know why, but I'll tell you right now, I had suggestions. They were not followed by the director, by Joaquin, by Gaga.So the reality was I was a security guard.I had two or three lines.I felt underutilized.I said I will direct it.
I said I will direct it, or I will assistant direct it.I don't know who that guy was.He did something with Ben Affleck, I don't care.
I would have done cinematography, which I wasn't hugely clear on what exactly it entailed, but I knew that I had a lot more to give that movie than it accepted from me. Now, if it's a stunning success, I'm proud to be a part of it.Yeah.
But if it does fail, it is because they didn't utilize me in a proper way.But if it's a success, I am proud to be a part of it.
But what was it like?What was it like?Because I know your scene has Joaquin was in the scene, right?He was in the scene.Right.So what was that like?
I didn't I didn't learn the lines. Yeah, because they always lie the agent lies and they go they want you to be you and be funny and they lie, right?Yeah, they don't want that Andrew's a great actor and he does like the work of it.
Yeah, I showed up and I'm like, I'm going okay to you know, I
Both of you, both of you, but he was the one, he's white, but what I was saying is I showed up and I was like, you know, I didn't, you didn't get the script ahead of time because they were, they didn't want you to leak it.
Oh, I hate when they do that.
They give you lines in the morning and I like read them real quick and I guess I should have drilled them a little more, but they kept changing them.
And, you know, I was a bit nervous and it's... I've never done a scene in any movie in my life before.This is the first scene in any movie I've ever done in my whole entire life.
With Joaquin Phoenix.Yeah.And Brendan Gleeson.Holy shit.Wow.Genius.Genius.Okay?Yeah.So I'm like scared.Yeah.Truly, truly terrified.Yeah.Like, I'm not even kidding.Like, I'm nervous in my trailer.I called my agent.
I don't even think I should be in this.Yeah. It's all fine.It's good.Okay.Cause I'm out of my element.This is not what I do.And, but I'm, I listen, I like acting, I like challenges and whatever, but it's a tough one to start with.
There's a lot of blocking in the scene.There's a book that I have to move across the table.There's lines, but as I'm doing the lines, you don't have to look.The director would come up to me and he goes, listen, here's the scene.
You say your first line.After you say your first line, you move your book.You put your hands on the book.Don't block the title of the book.Don't block the cover.Move it 70% across the desk. 80% it's at a frame.Do you get that?Yeah.
Yes Then you're gonna look and Brendan you're gonna look at Brendan, but you can wait for him to say his line Yeah after that Joaquin's gonna pick up the phone at that point you wait one beat you say half of your line and
Okay, Joaquin's gonna look at you.He gives you a look acknowledges that you're there.Yeah, and then you finish your second line Yeah, okay.
I don't know what and he would say this to me He'd go what the fuck is the problem here because he was being very like and I get I respect him He's a great director.Yeah, I like being yelled at and it was deserved.
Yeah, and But Joaquin was like he's doing fine.Like what can we turn around to the director go?He's okay, and I'm like, man, I'm done
Yeah, but they would yell so then there was like 80 people around you were on the universal lot all the cameras Okay, and then they would go action and I would go I mean, I would fuck it up every which way One time I was so nervous.
I didn't even say the line.Yeah, I just I Just moved the book and looked away and the director so it's going why the fuck are you looking?I Yeah, yeah, yeah Wow because just say the goddamn line does that make you even more nervous?
Oh my yeah Yeah, I can't imagine this was one of the worst experience.Yeah, my entire life except it was good at the end I guess Did you sing?
No, it's it's a musical.I should I couldn't even speak So then he would come up to me- Sing.
He can't get through a fucking line in a book shift.So he'd go like this, but it was hard.I'm telling you.I know it was, but it's just his questioning is- No.It just made me so mad.But I get it.
I apologize.I should have sang.Yeah, yeah.But the point is I was there and then I would do it again.And then he would come up to me and go, okay.He'd go, he goes, listen, he goes, the line is actually this.And I said, and I'm not saying that.
He goes, no, you've never said that. You never said the line, because you've actually never said this line.And I said, he goes, so he goes, just forget it.He goes, just say, he goes, this, just sit close enough to it, you know?
And then eventually I got it and I did it, but it was very hard.It's hard to do.And I felt bad because again, I'm not an expert and I felt bad.
It's your first one.What are the chances the scene does not make it?
I didn't think it was going to be in it.
But is it?Do you know?It's in it.That's great.That's great.
Do we see a photo of you on the internet at all?
I don't think.I think maybe there's one little photo.Oh, really?Yeah.I haven't seen the scene because it's not a pivotal scene, I don't think.Where is it?
Yeah, that's... Yeah.It's with security guards.Yeah.
Yeah, it's with security guards.But I didn't know if they were going to put it in, but they put it in because Todd said he got it at the end.He said it was good at the end.
I don't know where I am.Where am I?There's Timmy.There's Timmy.And maybe, and you know what it looked, I look like I'm doing acting there.Yeah.I actually look like I'm doing it.If I saw that photo, I was like, Oh, that guy's a good actor.No.
And you know what?Maybe literally, maybe I shouldn't have said anything because maybe my scene is great.
I bet you it is.I bet it is.Here's the problem.It's shot so beautifully.We internalize it.That's right.Because the things that we're feeling and thinking, right, no one else feels or thinks.That's right.
But because it happens to us, right, it becomes a big thing.
I think just because I wasn't saying the line or doing the blocking doesn't mean I was doing a bad job.Exactly.No.I was, yeah.I mean, that's just feeling.Yeah, yeah.Because I was feeling it out, and that's what actors do.Yeah.
I'm like becoming the, you know, thing.
How was this guy in the middle that's kind of Ricky Gervais looking?Was he good?Yeah, he was really- they're all really- here's the thing- I mean Gleason's phenomenal.
They're all really good.All these actors in this film were excellent. And it's hard to be an actor because I was talking to them and they had just got out of COVID and they hadn't booked anything.And a lot of them were like, this is their big thing.
One guy went out and got COVID and they had to get rid of him.Wow.Jesus.And this was like his thing, it was his time.
I have a story that's kind of like this.Forget it.Forget it. I said forget it, forget it.I'm interested.No, no, forget it, forget it, forget it.I'm not even gonna do it now.What is it?What's the fucking look for?That was rude.
I was waiting for you to tell your story.No, you're like, how dare you interrupt this magical thing we got going on.
Well, no, I mean, he is giving us some really great juicy shit, but no, let's hear your thing.No, I don't want to know, because it's not even that good now.Now you have to.
It's not even that good now.Let's go back to the- No, we're not gonna carry on.
It's over, we're over.Thanksgiving was great too.I saw Thanksgiving, you were great in that. Thanksgiving was good.Yeah.Thanksgiving was really good.And, but this is, um, tell your story.I'm not Thanksgiving.What movie was it that you had?Forget it.
It's okay.No, no, don't let it, when you were, when you did a bad acting job, what movie?It was pretty bad.Well, cause that's what I'm.Yeah.Yeah.
So anyway, and you know, that's all.Well, come on, tell your story for real. Well, cut it out then, because I don't think it's gonna hit now.What?Tell it.Can we do the segway again then?Yes, let's do it again.Let's do the segway.
Do you remember what you were talking about?Anyway, yeah, so this and that, yeah.Did you ever have any experience?
No, no, I'm doing it.All right.
I get to do it.I didn't know.I'm very good at segways.I know, you're very good.Oh, wow, so Gleeson, wow.Well, I have a story kind of like this.What is that?What happened?That was so good.Yeah, thanks.And I wish that happened before.
No.Don't you wish it? Have you ever had an experience that's similar to mine?
What is the experience?What happened?
Well, I was in the movie The Dictator.
Yeah, we remember.Great film.Beautiful.Playing Kim Jong-un.
No, I wasn't playing Kim Jong-un, dude.No?No, no, no.No, I'm serious.That's what I'm saying.Already now?
This is what's gonna happen.That's not Kim Jong-un.Yeah.That's not Kim Jong-un.That's me, dude.Right?So I have this, right?So I have a couple of scenes in this movie.Okay.And I have, you know, that's my wife in the movie. Dude, I'm handsome.
You look really good.Do I look so good?You really do.Yeah.So there's a scene where I'm walking out of a bathroom with Ed Norton.Yeah.And I just blew Ed Norton in the bathroom.Okay.Right?
And so Larry Charles and Sasha are on set and they're like, all right, Bobby, You're gonna walk out first, right?You're gonna hit the mark, right?Turn around, right?And then he's gonna come from behind you and this whole thing.
I have to memorize this whole thing, right?Just like yours.That's why I'm saying this story, right?Hard.So I'm like kind of panicking.I'm doing the best I can.
I'm going, okay, hit the mark, turn left, see the line, this and that, and he's gonna walk this way, right?So me and Ed go to the bathroom and he goes, Ed Norton goes, nah, we're not doing that way.I go, well, he goes, I'm gonna go out first.
And I go, what?So I know he said this, I think it's better if I say this, then you turn around and you do this, you know what I mean?And he changed the whole fucking thing, and now in my mind I'm like, oh fuck, whose idea do I do?
Do I do Ed Norton's or Larry, the director's?In your head you're like, the director, even though he's a star. Right?So I said something, this is the smartest thing I've ever done.I went, you know what, dude?I love that.That's fucking great.
Let's do it Larry's way first.And the second take, we'll do it your way.And he kind of thought about it.And he goes, all right, man.
He'll hate you forever now.Why?Yeah, you don't step on Ed Norg.Wait.Fight club?What?You're gonna step on fight club?Are you fucking out of your fucking mind right now?Shouldn't have done it.
It was incredibly disrespectful to Ed Norg.
Are you fucking joking me right now, dude?Yeah, fucker.Yes, relax.All right.Jesus Christ, you're getting so caught up.Yeah, that scene. He's handsome.Yeah, he's very handsome.
That is really, but it's an interesting note though, that he told you he wanted to go out first.You think that has to do with, is that star shit?Yes.It could have been.Is that star shit?He's also an actor's actor, right?
I know, but that's also some star shit.Yeah, yeah, yeah.Like, you know, Tom Cruise will say that often, that people, it'll be written a certain way and he'll often be like, no, no, no, I want to be in the front of the line.
Joaquin would do stuff like that on set because, you know, he'd go, I'd like it to go there, I'd think this way. And he's a genius.Probably our greatest living actor's top five, he's in there.I mean him, it's gotta be... Daniel Day-Lewis.
Let's go through the list.Daniel Day-Lewis.Joaquin Phoenix.Joaquin.
That's great.Kevin James for sure.What would happen if someone bought a zoo?Kevin James for sure. Yes.You know, good Kevin James story.Ready?Governor's Comedy Club in Long Island.I'm headlining.My first time.
The owner of Governor's, great guy, love him, Jimmy, comes back to me, Italian guy, swag, comes back.He goes, listen, Kevin James is doing his new TV show on Long Island.I go, great.We love him.That's great.He goes, he's coming tonight.
He's doing 20 minutes on all your headlining shows.
uh right before you go up great so it's going to be the how the feature kevin james for 20 minutes and then you great okay now listen if you're so kevin james goes up and they bring him up and they go ladies and gentlemen
You know every now and then we get a drop and you know how it goes.Yeah, the king of queens.Oh, he's already famous Oh, he's he's bringing he's coming back to tv, right?
He's massive.He's oh, okay.Okay.I thought this was young kevin.
No, no Before he made his second tv show huge kevin james comes out, right?He gets an applause break.Um in long island that I would only describe as like, it's unreal, right?
It's like, it's just, it's- John Lennon coming back to Alive for the Beatles reunion.
It's one of those, you know what I mean?It's one of those things.It's like, it's like, like crazy.Right.And it's several minutes of clapping and standing before he does his first joke.
He then kills for 20 minutes with like new stuff, with just stuff he thought of, like whatever, murdering. Then he leaves, then the host comes back on and goes, by the way, no introduction, goes, now please welcome Tim Dillon.
I walk out on stage, the people in the back are so drunk they think it's still Kevin James. Wow, they're far away.They're in the back and they're drunk.Yeah.
So they're just looking at shapes.Yeah.Yeah.Yeah.And they're going and then literally I start to talk and people audibly start yelling.That's not Kevin James.Wow.They think like they switched out Kevin James in the middle of his set.Yeah.
They're drunk now.They go, what happened?Who's this?Yeah.Yeah.Kevin James.Yeah.This is something.
Do you have a story like that?Do you have a story like that?No, never.What?No, I never had a... I do.A mid-bump.I do have a story like that.
What do you have?See, I don't like this, what you're doing, dude.What am I doing?Get excited about my stories too, you know?
Oh my God, Tim.I'm excited.Tim, wait till you hear this story.Do you have a story like that? Yeah, but forget it.I mean, I get bumped to the comedy store more than anybody on earth.And I've said this before to Bill.
I think Burr specifically, it comes in, he's like, who's in Maine?And they're like, Santino's on the X. He goes, me.He bumps me every time.Wow.Without fail.I think I said that to you.I was like, it's magical.I think he loves bumping my ass.
He doesn't go long, so that's good.No, I think it's just...
Yes, he knows me, so he doesn't care like who do you do you have you have you been bumped at the comedy store?I think we all got bombed by Leslie Leslie Jones.
Oh, that's right.Yeah, she's bumped me.How do you feel about that?I didn't love it, but it's okay.
I just said I'll just leave Yeah, we just get in my car and I leave yeah, I just leave yeah, we don't sometimes we don't show up But yeah, that's right.
Yeah a lot of times.We're being bumped and we don't even know because we're at our house.
That's true.But do you think that's bad karma on our part?No.Like, calling in... No.No.
No.I used to get bumped at the laugh factory back in the day.Nothing means anything.Dane used to love bumping.Oh, he loves it.And he would bump and do an hour back then.
That's when he would bump, you know, and I'd sit in the back, 30, 40, 50, and then by that time, they're gone, you're gone.And then the next couple times I'd go back and I would tell Jamie, I'd say, oh, I'm not gonna be... Buddy, why will you live?
He's gonna be quick.I was like, no, no. I'm already home.I'm already home.Fuck that Wow.Sometimes I would text a comic I knew that was there and was like is he still on?Yeah, maybe he's cooking baby.That's what he'd say.
I haven't been in a laugh factory since I broke his foot Yeah, why, yeah, well.Yeah, I broke his foot.Dane's?No, Jamie Masada's.Oh my God.I broke his fucking foot.How?
I was like, I did a good spot, this was years ago, and I was in that front area, you know?Yeah, the hangout room.
And you know, he always hangs out there, sitting out on those stools, and I walk up to him, and I'm jumping up and down like a fucking orangutan, dude.I'm like, I killed it, I killed it, and I stomped on his foot.He's screaming, he goes, oh, buddy!
Buddy!Right? Then two days later he goes, I went to the hospital, you broke my foot.And I haven't really been in there since.
I feel so bad.You know what's so fun?He's like a fun little toy to play with because he's tiny.I used to like bully him into money because at one point they were like not paying anybody, right?And so I was like, give me money right now.Give me money.
And I'd be joking with him, but he'd pull out money as like a bid.I'd see him go, okay, I'll give you a hundred dollars, buddy, for food.You want a hundred dollars?And he'd pull out money and I would steal money from him.And I did it a lot.
Like I would do this a lot. Like I did it way too much and I would just grab his money and he'd be like buddy Come on, come on, but I was like no you're fucking the club never paid.It's Robin Hood.They never Robin.
I've never seen you at the Laugh Factory I go occasionally and I'll do uh, there's a few shows there that I've done That's fun.And it's always fun when I go, but I just I don't know.
I'm usually the improv in the story Yeah, yeah store in the improv your favorite though.
What what's your favorite store?
I think, you know, but I'm starting to love the improv a lot.I would say overall the store, but I gotta be honest with you, the improv, especially recently, I feel like is amazing.
I do love it.I love it too.
And I'm actually starting to like the ice house.
Yeah, after you and I had a real wild experience.
We had a wild experience and I just didn't do well and I handled it maturely.I went to like salt and straw and just climbed in the thing.With all the ice creams, I just climbed it and I said, just leave me here overnight.
But yeah, he called me, he goes, just come back.I'm like, fuck.
I go, Tim, you gotta come back.
Yeah, cause it's the second show.I was like, I hate it.
We can't not do the second show.I'm not doing it.
But I came back, I did come back.
They have changed too.Yeah.
And it's better now.It's really good. Yeah.Because when I first went there, they treated me so poorly.Oh, right.Like they didn't know who I was.They don't.They're like, go around.I go, no, I've been coming for three years.
This is where you come through.Go around.You have to walk around.And I had to show my ID.Oh, yeah.Right?And then come in.And I'm like, where's the green room?I go, only commies go in the green room.I go, I'm on the show.Like that kind of vibe.Yeah.
But then when I fucking talk shit, and then they call me.Then they call you.
The best thing is watching someone go to the mothership who doesn't know. like someone who just rolls in who's not known and they roll in with like a crew of people.And it's like, oh no, no, no, no, no, there's security.Like this is a legit place.
Now, obviously- You mean a comic that comes in with a group of people?Yeah, like a person who just doesn't know.
There's just not knowing.Right.There's just not knowing.
You know, and it's like, it's just funny to watch someone who's like, hey, this is my buddy or whatever.And they're like, no.Yeah, and then there's like, you know, like Navy SEALs looking at them. It's just an energy, it's an energy, you know?
It's a bunch of guys kind of standing there, standing there like, this, who's this?I go, this is my buddy, he's just gonna hang out.And they go, huh?They just looked, there's a feeling.And I always like to watch that happen.
I was with him that night, we were roguing, we went to Black Keys.That's when I realized, oh, he's the mayor of town. Come on.Yeah.He's the mayor of that town of Austin.I mean, he's absolutely a bulletproof fucking, you know, SUVs.Absolutely.
The whole fucking thing.Absolutely.
Yeah.Yeah.That Black Keys concert was where it did feel like we were, uh, the CIA was protecting us.Right.Like I felt like we were being like watched and protect like guys with radios and shit.We're talking to each other the whole time.Yeah.
Can I tell them my story now?
It was like a little too late, but give it.All right.So anyway, What is it?I did a movie.What's the movie that you did?With Henry Lau.
Henry Lau.Yeah.He's a Korean pop star.I love him.What happened with Henry Lau?Oh, it was crazy, dude.Tell me.Yeah.Anyway, I did a movie with Henry Lau, that movie.Final Recipe?Yeah, there you go.I did a movie with Michelle Yao's in it.
So that, that event.So that event was like,
It looks like a K-pop guy and his manager.
That's what I mean!This is what happened.It's all K-pop stars, right?And they go, ladies and gentlemen, Henry Lau!Introduce me first!
Right?So the place goes insane, but in the mayhem of the sound, they had said my name, but no one heard it. Right, so I now look like, I wish you didn't do the, I look like his manager.You do.I know, but the thing is, that was the joke.
Oh, I'm so sorry.Yeah, so now I can't go, now everyone thinks I'm his manager.
But run it back.Yeah, try it.Just try it now.Yeah, try it now.We'll cut it.It's good.
Try it now.Okay, try it now?Yeah, go. Anyway, so, you know, we're at this park, Henry Lau comes out, the audience is wow, right?And in the midst of this gigantic sound, they said my name.Now no one knows, now they think I'm his manager.
Oh my God, yeah.That's so funny.
That's fucking crazy.That's fucking funny.It's crazy the way it all works.Yeah.
You know?You know?Yeah.Yeah, it was crazy. Yeah.
You think Diddy is going to be okay?He's in trouble.Yeah, he's going to be fine.He's in big trouble.I think he'll come back.He'll bounce.I think he'll be okay.
He'll bounce back.It happens.Yeah, well, he's cooked, my friend.Happens to the ditter.Son, he's cooked, son.I mean, Eminem's lyric is phenomenal.Did you hear that?
He goes, look up Eminem's lyric about him.It's actually, because I don't want to misquote it.He goes, like, I'm a R-A-P-E-R.Got so many essays, huh?Essay? And he goes, he didn't just leave out the, he didn't just leave out an R, a P, did he?My God.
My God.Listen to that.How long ago was that?
I'm an R-A-P-E-R, got so many essays, huh?Essay.He didn't just leave out the letter P, did he?Jesus Christ.Wow.Eminem.That's killer.That is.
Did he just recently write that?But if Diddy is innocent, we're all gonna feel stupid, including him.
Yeah.Take it back, Eminem.
To be honest with you. Take it back.We'll feel bad.Well, everyone will feel stupid, like all of us.
Is there a shot that he can get out with good lawyers?No.Why?I mean, OJ did it when I was a kid.
Cochran's not around.When I was a kid, all we believed in was high-profile defense attorneys. We grew up with them.I watched, we watched him get OJ out.We watched him get all these people out.Like we got excited.
They all had names like, like, like Irv, Irv Fishman or Ben Brathman.And they would come in there and they would just fucking kill.And his DA would get up and she'd be like, they found the gun.And he'd be like, you shut up, bitch.And he'd have a,
$4,000 suit, and he'd have a Rolex, and he'd have a bunch of rings, and he'd go, look at this bitch.Like, that's what he'd say.He'd go, look at this bitch.And it'd be something like frizzled hair, the state represented.
And as kids, we were like, the best thing about our country is that if you're rich and you kill someone, you get one of these guys who are the coolest people in the world.Johnny Cochran.What's the other guy's name?Bob Shapiro.
Oh, dude, these people were fucking awesome.
Is Dershowitz one, Alan Dershowitz?
Well, yeah, and he went down with that.He was a good one.He was.He went down.Yeah.The Dersh.Look at him, the Dersh.The Dersh Dog.Look at him.They got his ass.They got him.The Dersh Dog.
But he's still out there.He's debating CNN, like he's on Piers Morgan all the time debating.
Yeah, yeah.Wow.Man, they made him look so bad, though.The Dersh Dog got taken down.Well, what happened to him? Because he was, wasn't he for, what's his name?Flight logs.Yeah, he was defending all the flight logs and all that bullshit.
He was advancing the argument that Epstein had a nature conservatory. And this whole thing's been a big misunderstanding.
Right.The guy just had- Look at that.He had a green thumb.Yeah.Who, you mean Green Thumb Epstein?Look, how many times did he go to the island?Look at that.
Him and Larry David- This is my ninth time.Had a fight in a grocery store in Martha's Vineyard.Him and Larry David did?
Yeah, Larry David was yelling at him, because Dershowitz was, I think, obviously coming out for Epstein and Trump and all this stuff, and Larry David and him got into it.
This is the world we live in.And what did we learn today?Truly that if you're rich enough and you kill someone, you can get away with it.If you got a Dershowitz.
It depends.If you got a nerve to come in with a nice suit.Yeah.
We learned the title of this episode should be somewhere in the middle.The truth is somewhere in the middle.
The truth lies somewhere in the middle.
The truth lies somewhere in the middle.
Because that's the way it is.That's what it is.That's the way life is.That's the truth.And that's what I think that we should remember with Diddy. The truth lies somewhere in the middle.
That's what we should all, and that's by the way, I wouldn't even try to say innocence if I was his lawyer.That's where I'd go.I'd go, I wouldn't even go like innocent because that's never going to happen, right?
So I get up there, I go, listen, is it as bad as they say?No.Was it great?Not great. You're a great.No, I'm tell you you're a great defense.I would have been a great defense Wow, I would have said listen, none of this is great.
I'm not here to tell you that this was great What I'm here to tell you.Yeah, is that I'm a jury.I'm jury it's not nearly as bad as what they're saying and like many things in life and I would say to you pay attention and say please pay attention
When I'm looking at the sky, I'm contemplating.I would take me a while to learn that and trust that.Let's start over.
We're jury.Here we are.Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm here representing Mr. Combs, and I'm going to tell you this.Am I going to stand up here and tell you that this was great?No.I'm not going to say it was great. No.
But was it as bad as all these people are saying?No.Like many things in life, the truth lies somewhere in the middle.That's life.People have parties.Things get out of hand.
No, it takes a lot of people to bake, I don't know what the exact term is, but the point is that- Cake.Yeah.Can't speak on the job.
I would actually kind of like that.
I'd like a kind of a give and take cherry.
I kind of want a crowd work cherry, like a give and take cherry. But I would say I'd say before you go to deliberate cake before you thank you.Thank you.Well now it sounds like it's just being disrespectful to me Um, he's yelling cake at this guy.
It just sounds like you're being rude.I bet this guy likes cake Yeah, yeah, that sounds like you're being a little rude.
Okay, but i'm not gonna motion for you to be disgusted What i'm gonna say is this when you are deliberating I want you to remember that this is a person This is a person with children.This is a person with children and a career.
And this is a person who is more than the sum of his worst acts, okay?Wow.He's more than the sum of his worst acts.Let's deliberate.Let's deliberate.What do you think?Not guilty.
No, he's guilty.Yeah, he's definitely guilty.But he'll be guilty.
I can be sweet so easily also in the jury room.You would be such a bad juror.Guilty.Oh, no guilty. What is it called, a hung jury?A hung jury.A hung jury.That would be because of you every time.
But what's great about the defense attorneys is when they lose, they go on CNN.Yeah.And CNN's like, what happened?And the defense attorney goes, well, he's a rapist.Oh, right, right, right.Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's a terrible person, I mean, of course.
He's like, what did you want me to do?I was making money.
Yeah.Wow.That was very intriguing.Well, I think.Compelling.That's how I would do it.Yeah.I would also go into, if I may.Yeah.Into like, we've all been at parties.Right.We've acted a fool. Mm-hmm.
No, that's your defense.No, I'm just like, you know, I mean, I think he's not gonna hire you I'm at the firm.We've all been to parties.
Imagine the kid in a room of a law firm pitching ideas over how to yeah That's what I would pitch you like you're the main lawyer.
Yeah, right.It's Dylan and you know, I mean Jewish guy That's what the fucking firm is called.
That's the name of the firm, Dylan and Jewish Guy.
Well, because it rotates.Of course.It rotates, yeah.
Who knows, you know what I mean?Who knows who's coming in?So I'm working on Dylan and Jewish Guy, and I'm like, well, we could talk about, like, you know, people get drunk at parties, and they make mistakes, too, no?
Yeah.Yeah, yeah.Well, I'm going to say, what about people who went to the parties at a completely great time?Right.Exactly.Did you bring them out?Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How about we bring out a bunch of people that went to the parties and weren't assaulted?Interview Big Sean.
How about that?How about me asking Mimi, ask this question, I'm like, what is assault? Well also, what is human trafficking?What is it?What is the whole point?What are you even saying?What is that?
I feel like you're hired at the firm.Dude, I'm working with Dylan and fucking Jewish guy.Dylan and Jewish guy.Dude.That would be a great law firm, by the way.
Yeah.You would be like, yeah, I'll take that.But what you really got to do, what they really actually have to do is go and go.The people coming out against him right now are all hoping for compensation. Where have they been?Where have they been?
This has been happening for decades and nobody's said anything?
That's how they picture it.
It's so good.Oh, like all these people in Scientology.Oh, they just figured it all out?Lee Remini, you rat.They're all rats. And I go, oh, you all figured it out now?You're all liars.Oh, they're trying to get money from this client of mine.Wow.
Yeah.Very good.The Christian lean is always good.
Christian lean's good.Would you rather be a prosecutor or a defense attorney?
I would rather be a prosecutor.I feel like I'm a prosecutor. I think you are a prosecutor.Yeah, I'm a prosecutor.What am I?What am I?You're a defense attorney for sure.I think, well, here's what I think is interesting about you.
You're mumble bumble scramble eggs.You're a defense attorney.You come in all sloppily late.
You do something brilliant.Like there was a guy, like you do, it was this crate, this woman, Dana Goldblatt, she was an attorney.I was a juror on a murder trial. Murder, torture, and rape, literally.
And we convicted him.He did the wrong.He killed his baby mom and all that.That's her, Dana Goldblatt?Yeah, so she was an attorney.Oh, is that her?Yeah, yeah, yeah.That's gotta be her.
So she defended this guy, and she would wear these wacky outfits, like Miss Frizzle on the Magic School Bus.Yeah.And you would end up staring at this bitch's outfits all day and not listening to the thing.Oh, wow.So I think you could do a fun gag
Where the prosecutor's up there doing something, and you're doing something very distracting.
Even some of my language, I wouldn't even talk.I would say something like, hey-o!
A new my cousin Vinny.I would go to the jury and go, hey-o!You know what I mean?Yes!Because they're going, did he say hello or hey?That's the whole thing.And then it's, who cares who raped who?No, I get it.
And I would say something witty like, I just had some kombucha. Yeah, like for breakfast.
And dance, like you would dance.
Yeah, you bring in your kava.You gotta like dance a little too.Yeah.Where did they say he hit her?Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.Dude, you got me, dude.I'd be a very good defense attorney.
Me and you.Dylan, Jewish guy, Lee.By the way, can you imagine if you were going, like, if you were charged with murder and you looked at the two people defending you and it was me and Bobby,
I have my sunglasses on, and a red nose, and you're like, what is going on with these people?
Yeah, I'm just like, yeah.
Dancing in with your kava, baby. Well, do you want to plug dates?
No, I don't care.I mean, they're on the website.Come see me.
One of the funniest guys on planet Earth.
Thank you very much.Watch.If you want to watch it on Netflix, it's October 1st.Thank you guys for having me.I'm glad we finally did this.Thank you.And again, Tim Dillon.Oh, thank you for being a bad friend.
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