The last days of August contained some explicit and upsetting material involving sexuality, assault, and self-harm.It may not be suitable for all audiences.
I'm sitting with Shazia Sahari in an ale house in Loyola, her old college district in Chicago.It took us six months to find her, and this is how we managed it.
Back in 2012, a disgruntled porn actor stole from a Los Angeles STD clinic, a place where porn performers go for routine testing, with the real names of 15,000 of them, and then he posted them online.
So that's how we first learned Shazia's real name, which is Amna.We had no clue where she might be living.But the Pierre Woodman casting couch video offered a lead.
From which city did you come from?
Chicago.Chicago?Yeah, I'm a midwestern girl.
And so Lina emailed everybody in Illinois with her name.One runs marketing for a halal catering company.Another's entire online presence is dedicated to Hamilton the musical.Neither were her.
Zolina looked for openly gay Muslim men from Chicago with the same last name.There was only one.
There isn't a thing that we don't talk about, and she's like a best friend.She's a beautiful girl, but she's also very sharp, very intelligent, very well-read.If she wasn't my sister, I would still want to know her when she's herself.
Vincent, his name is Vincent, says that Shazia was diagnosed with schizophrenia form, which is a kind of transient schizophrenia.
Some sufferers go on to develop full-blown schizophrenia, but for others, the symptoms peak in their 20s and dissipate when they reach their 30s.Shazia is now 33, and Vincent says her symptoms are all behind her.She's a different person.
By the way, when Vincent talks about Shazia's mental health problems, he isn't being indiscreet.She's very open about them.
So when she was kind of at the peak of her psychiatric problems is when she made this decision that I want to move to California and I want to work in the health industry.You said you haven't been able to get a hold of her.We talk every few days.
I have your number.I will give her your number within the next day or two and she or I will be in touch.
After that, ten weeks passed and we heard nothing.Eventually, an old college boyfriend of Shazia's sent us her new husband's name.
Lena emailed him, and a week later we are sitting with Shazia in the booth of this alehouse, where she starts at the beginning.
The reason I decided to join the industry in my early 20s while I was finishing up Loyola, there were some things going on in my family and long story short, I worked at two different strip clubs.
And then while I was doing that, you know, I was exposed to different facets of the industry.And I had actually researched L.A.Direct.
That's Derek Hayes' company.
Yes.I had the misfortune of meeting him.
Derek Haye is the English agent I had talked to over the phone.The man Lee Saran implied I should be investigating instead of Kevin.Shazia moved to LA, joined his agency, and within days met Kevin on set.
And I was enamored.You know, there was something nerdy about him, something maybe a little dark about him that I gravitated towards.
Like a kind of nerd with a dark side.
But you were kind of attracted to that, obviously?
I was, yes.And I thought he was an attractive man.What made him so attractive was he was well-spoken.He seemed very intelligent, which he is.And yeah, I was enamored.And we had a weird whirlwind of a courtship.
Weird whirlwind of a courtship is not an exaggeration. It all started with her agent, Derek Hay.A few weeks after she moved to LA, she was paid directly for a scene instead of via him.And when Derek Hay found out, he was, she says, furious.
I still have nightmares about the way he yelled at me in public.I mean, I was sitting there sobbing, tears, just sobbing and shaking, and I'm in his office, and he's just railing into me.
I'm actually on disability for PTSD, because I still have nightmares and flashbacks of Derek Hay.
Shazia talks a lot about Derek Hay during our time together.In fact, later on, when the bar starts to play the music too loudly and so we go outside to talk some more, she feels compelled to bring him up again.
And he's ranted for at least 20 minutes.
Do you remember any of the things that he actually yelled?
I just remember his tone, his icy blue eyes bugging out, and just being overwhelmed.I'm new to this city, I don't have friends, my agent who says he works for me is yelling his ass off at me, like, what the fuck?
All these years later, the image of Derek Hay is burned into Shazia's mind.Whereas when I asked Derek Hay about his memories of Shazia, this is what he said.
I do remember her, but if you ask me specific questions about her, I probably won't be able to answer.
And so, after the incident with Derek Hay, Shazia decided to leave the industry.
I was just so distraught, and I remember calling one of my best friends here, and he's like, we've got to get away from these people.And he sent me a plane ticket home.
She returned to Chicago, but then she had second thoughts and telephoned Kevin to tell him that she was stranded in Chicago and could he help.
He came to get me and I looked at him, I was like, hey, you want to get married?And he's like, yeah.And we went to the courthouse and just got married.
It's just like, hey guys, here I am and I'm getting married tomorrow.Like we were never introduced to Kevin properly. Basically, everybody told her, this is probably not the best idea.She wasn't herself.
If she had been herself, she would never have gone down that way.
And so, in a panic, Shazia's parents did something desperate.
When we first got married, my family threw me into an institution because they did not want me to marry this person.
Because he was a born entrepreneur, or was it something else?
Well, he met my parents and my dad spoke with him nicely.My mom was just sitting there miserable.They were under the impression that he's the one that got me into the industry, you know, and I tried to explain, like, no, I met him after, like.
So yeah, I was institutionalized then by my family.My parents took me to Northwestern University Hospital, and they put me in cuffs.I was so angry.
So it got to a point where, like, before nurse practitioners or doctors would pull me into an office, they'd be like, OK, can you please promise us you're not going to yell at us?I'm like, I don't know.Depends on what you're going to say.
Eventually, Shazia was released from the institution and Kevin was waiting for her.
And then when it came time to fly back to LA, he was kind of like, whoa, what did I do?I remember I was like being a bitch about something.And I remember him sitting in the car outside of the hotel, just sobbing.
I remember I was sitting on a bench and I had my brother on the phone.I'm like, uh, my new husband's balling, what do I do?I just let him, like, get it all out.So we moved back to L.A.and almost immediately we became distant.
I just started drinking from sunup to sundown unless I was working.And so pretty much a couple weeks after, we became roommates.Yeah, it was literally like living with a roommate that couldn't care about you.Kevin can be very emotionally distant.
And I mean, sometimes not even coming home till one or two.
Was Kevin's emotional distance, was that the worst thing about him, would you say?
I would say his distance was utterly insufferable because we literally barely spoke with one another.
So he was never like physically abusive towards you or anything like that?
No.He was just completely distant.So, I'll admit it, I was a raging drunk in LA once I realized, like, holy shit, what do we do?It was a friend in the fridge because he was gone.I was just depressed.I felt bad about myself.
While I was there, I had a suicide attempt.I took a bottle of Tylenol PM with a bottle of vodka.
And how did Kevin deal with that?
Well he wasn't home, he was never home and I had contacted a friend of mine in Chicago and I was like crying and I guess he called Kevin and of course Kevin couldn't be bothered to step away from work.
He called the paramedics and they took me to the hospital and you know you drink that nasty charcoal thing that makes you so they don't have to pump your stomach and
He didn't show up until like late that night when he was done and then I stayed in the hospital for a few days and he never came unless he was done with working.
And like just sent the paramedics and then just hours went by before he came back?
Yeah.And that to me I think was the point where I just started emotionally shutting down as well and getting more into self-destruction.
Of course, as Shazia is telling me the story of her suicide attempt, I'm remembering what August's friend, Ryan, had said about the day in May 2017 when August was admitted to hospital for the same reason.
Here's Ryan talking to me about it again in a phone call to me.
What I was picturing in my head was going to the hospital.I was thinking Kevin was going to be there already, obviously.This is how I planned out my head.He was going to ask her, Ryan is here, do you want to see him for a second?"
She was going to say yes or no and I would either see her or I would go home.And what happened was I went up there and I sat there and I waited in this room and then they brought her in and she saw me and she seemed shocked.
Her shock at seeing me, I'm sure she was expecting to see Kevin, not me.And that's when she told me that Kevin had not even been to see her yet, which she was visibly upset about, which
To me also means that she cared about him because obviously she was upset that she had not seen him yet.She was so upset about it that she could barely say it.
But then there was Kevin's version of that day.
I had been waiting all day to see her.I had one hour.I'd been with the doctors all day.I had to have all my stuff searched.I was only allowed to see her for one hour.
Shazia says that even though Kevin was emotionally distant, he still involved himself in her business.Like the time someone told her that she could make some extra money escorting.
I was told that there are ways that girls supplement their income.He didn't get me into it.He facilitated my entry into it.And he actually drove me to my first client.
We were about to make a left turn onto the street where the, you know, date was supposed to be.And for whatever reason, I couldn't tell him, like, I can't do this.No, I don't want to do this.All I said was, oh, I canceled it.
And I was just testing to see if you would actually take me there as a husband.And he was just more annoyed that I made him drive down there.
And then there was the question of whether Kevin or Shazia would control who Shazia worked with.
A lot of the people in the industry, he had me put on what's called a no-list.
What, Kevin was kind of in control of your no-list?
Yes, basically.He told me who to put on there.And honestly, I didn't really question why or what.I just trusted this individual.
He kind of called the shots. Like she was forbidden to do certain things or to go certain places or she had to get his permission to drive, for instance.Which is not totally unfair because she also has a history of drunk driving.
But there were a lot of things like that.She was a very uncompromising spouse.She's very much about, I am not going to be any man's slave.And it seemed like that's kind of what he wanted or needed her to be.
Slowly and I felt systematically just lost who I was.I lost my confidence and I would honestly go into like angry rages.I'll admit like I wasn't an angel to be with by any means.So I can you know own up to the fact that I was a shitty spouse too.
You know after a while I just started lashing out, too.I'm like, how dare you?I'm in this place where I don't have friends.I don't have family.I only have you.
And there was just this profound loneliness I woke up with and went to bed with and was on set with, although you provided financially, drove me around.The best thing that came out of it, actually, one night we had a terrible fight.
And then the next day he took me to Long Beach, California to get my Pomeranian, which is, I'd say I'd do it all over again for her.
Was that out of guilt or remorse or wanting to make things better or something?
I feel like it was like, let's give this crazy bitch something to focus on so she's not like up my ass about, why aren't you a husband?
Oh, do you remember a man called Yoshi Obayashi?
Do you remember a man called Yoshi Obayashi?
Do you remember an occurrence where somebody from Evil Angel phoned you and asked if you wanted tickets to Russell Peters?
Yes, this little kid, yes.I was so excited.I'm like, hell yeah, I love Russell Peters.Are you kidding me?Like, yes, keep my number.And then I mentioned it to Kevin at the time.I'm like, oh, I'm so excited.
Like, I'm going to get to go see Russell Peters. He's like, who told you that you could go?Or some shit like that.And I was like, oh, it was Yoshi or something like that.And he's like, how did he get your information?
He must have gone into Evil Angel.What if I was going to come and surprise you with Peter Russell or Russell Peters?And I'm just like, well, one, we both know you weren't.
And two, I feel like it was part of this Irish Catholic control thing he has going on.
As a reminder, this is what Kevin had said about Shazia and the Russell Peters tickets.
The fact is, Kevin sometimes remembers things differently than other people.
All year I've been wondering, and a lot of porn people have been wondering too, if it's because Kevin is hiding something huge and terrible about August's death.
But I'm beginning to think that when he omits inconvenient facts to portray himself in a better light, he isn't concealing a terrible secret, but something smaller and more human and explicable.
That he just has some personality traits that he doesn't like about himself.
I think there's a carefully curated facade Kevin likes to maintain.I don't think he was like, go kill yourself, you suck.
But, I mean, especially for, you know, a young girl, and especially if you're emotionally a little bit broken, you know, she had kind of a sad backstory.And you marry an older man, and you're like, oh my God, he's gonna take care, he's gonna love me.
and then to feel kind of ignored.I just feel she was very lonely.Speaking for me, you know, him and my time in L.A.was the catalyst for some very, very self-destructive behaviors when I was with him and after.
Shazia left Kevin two days before their one-year anniversary.She quit porn, moved back to Chicago, entered into a physically abusive relationship, got institutionalised again, and has now remarried.
By the way, did you ever get into ethnographic research in the end?
Yes, I have written academically about it, but I didn't do anything with it really.
They start to play the music in the alehouse too loudly, and so we go outside.Kevin had told us that Shazia has a different sense of reality to other people, and she misremembers things.But she didn't seem that way to me at all.
I can't shake the feeling that interviewing Shazia is kind of like interviewing August.
I did reach out to Kevin shortly after she died. I was a bit of a bitch about it, I'll admit.I sent him my condolences, but I'm like, oh, here's Foxy, my dog.I'm like, oh, here's a picture of Foxy if you want to see.
But of course, it was like me looking gorgeous holding my dog.Here's my dog, but look how good I look.I'm like, I'm winning at life.I wish I had known of things other than L.A.Direct and outside of this bubble of Kevin and Derek.
Because, you know, there are many charismatic, wonderful people in the industry.There are a lot of women that love their work and, you know, that's awesome.And I wish I had the privilege of meeting some of these individuals.I didn't.
Later, I tell Shazia that, of course, all year I've been worried about digging around in the life of a grieving husband.Her reply is that you can't ignore the fact of life that some people have difficult personality traits.
I mean, if Kevin was here listening to all of this... I mean, I know what he would say, right?He'd say...
I was a lush.It's not true.It's been a few years.My memory is skewed.Blah, blah, blah.Yeah.
I bought her a Pomeranian.It is what it is.The truth is what it is.And everything we've spoken about, I would happily speak on if he was sitting here right next to us.
You know, I don't want to speak ill of somebody I once loved so dearly and deeply and who is my entire world. But I can't help it if there's some sketchy things about him that are the truth.
A few weeks pass and then I get talking with a porn producer I'll call Cynthia.
I think probably it's best to be honest.It's hard because, I mean, I even questioned speaking about this because, you know, I had a friendship with him for a number of years.
I think I felt compelled to say something just after hearing him just blame Twitter for this thing.
Actually, it's worse than that.He was blaming Jessica Drake.
Which is just absolutely just insane.It's not fair.It's not fair to blame Jessica.It's not even fair to blame Jackson Wheeler.
That's why Cynthia has decided that she should share with me the theory she's developed about Kevin and his relationships after being around him for years.
I mean, in every relationship that I have been aware of, it has been that there's either been drug addiction, mental health issues, things of that nature.I think he enjoys being around it.
I remember speaking about one girl in particular and just telling him I was really surprised that after the way she was on set that he would pursue her.
What kind of state had she been in?
She was drunk on set and was about to be sent home.She couldn't stand up straight and she went into the bathroom and you could hear her vomiting. and they were dating within 48 hours.
And do you think that's what motivated Kevin to become interested in her?
I, you know, I don't know.I mean, she was a beautiful girl and very, very nice.It just seems peculiar.In retrospect, looking back on all of these involvements, it's a common thread.
Are there lots of men like that in the industry, or would you say that Kevin is unusually so?
I mean, he's one of a handful that I know of.
You know, initially, I mean, before August passed away, I thought that he just had like a savior complex, that he was attracted to women like this because he thought he could help them in some way, which is a common thing in the industry, that you'll find these men, usually civilian men, that will be drawn to these girls.
And that it gives them a feeling of power and kind of like a God complex or something.They're going to come in and rescue these girls and take them away from this terrible world.
But I don't think that there was ever a situation in which he was actively trying to help them change.I mean, it doesn't seem like it.
I know that Kevin would disagree with Cynthia's theory. He's told me about occasions that he drove August to the doctors and to therapy.But Shazia's story shows that his desire to help sick people can definitely have its limits.
What seems to happen is that at some point he loses interest.Maybe they become just too broken because he tends to emotionally withdraw from women it seems.
I just feel like he's never emotionally there.
Cynthia says that when she thinks of the women that Kevin dates and marries, she thinks of baby elephants in the circus.
Especially with August in particular, at least in terms of this business, she was doing about as well as you can.And there was really no signs of the momentum slowing down for her.
But she just clearly felt helpless, and it reminded me of elephants when they're babies and they're chained.They feel restrained and stuck.And then when they become adults,
and they can actually break the chains they don't, because they don't realize that they actually are powerful and have the power to break away from the chains and trample anyone in their path.And it just made me think of August.
Given that you know everything that we're doing, I'm grateful that you are still happy to let us into your home.
Well, There were times where I wanted to tell you to fuck off.Seriously.And I'm not saying that to be mean.But there were times.There were some dark times through this.
The truth is, there were times Kevin basically did tell us to fuck off.Times he told us how sick he was of hearing that we'd been digging around in his life.
But it's really worth pointing out that when he did, he often called back within hours to apologize.
Yes, I have been mean to the two of you.I've yelled at both of you.
Well, I mean, we're doing a, you know, these are unusual circumstances.You're a grieving husband, so every critical thing I say feels like a horrible thing to say.
Kevin says the reason why he always tries to make amends after things get too heated between us is because of his anxiety.
Anxiety is the great equalizer. I can't be a shitty person all the time.If I were, my anxiety would quickly knock me off my perch, my high horse.
Well, I've always thought of anxiety as a disease of moral goodness.
You're right.Because the minute you do anything bad, like how many times have we argued?And then I'm like, hey, listen, I'm sorry.Somewhere that's tied to the anxiety.
The negative thing that comes up about you is that you have a tendency to be emotionally distant.
Right, which I totally disagree with.I think that came from probably one main person who themselves has a horrible affliction.And that affliction is going to drive people away that even love you.It's just gonna.
You're talking obviously about Shazia Amnah.
Yeah, but I don't want to talk about her.Like, I will never say a mean thing about that woman.She's a wonderful person who has a terrible illness.
I found her to be delightful.
She is.She was.It just, she was lost when I was with her.It was rough. I'd never watched someone lose their mind before.
Shazia did say that you controlled her no less.She was pretty adamant about that.She wasn't performing when we were together.
She barely shot.Yeah, no.I don't agree with that at all.
She said one thing that was pretty hard.Do you want me to tell you?
Probably not.My response isn't going to be anything because I refuse to speak ill of her. I don't know what's based in reality and what isn't.I mean, she emailed me, you know, when you guys were going to go see her.
And I was convinced she was lost again because the email makes no sense.None.
As Kevin doesn't want to know what Shazia said, I changed the subject.There are still some things that I don't understand about the night August went missing.Some things just don't seem quite right.
But it turns out that while August's brother James had thought it was suspicious that Kevin could recall the night with such clarity.
Oh, she left at this time.I called her this many times.Everyone got the same fucking thing as if he was reading it off a piece of paper.
Kevin doesn't have that recall anymore.Can I ask you like a couple of questions about that night?
Yeah, but my memory is not great of that.It's the emotion I remember.
You said, I drove around all night looking for her.But obviously, what does that mean?
I mean, is that like- There were times where I was waiting in the car thinking maybe she'll pull up.There were times where I was driving around, just going to places I knew that she visited.I went to see if she was at the gym.
I went to see if she was at the tanning salon.I don't have an answer for you where I drove to because it was aimless.It was panic-ridden.
How long were you here when the power was actually out?
I don't know.I don't know because there's a whole other part I left out.The key to the car I lost.So then I had to spend time.I had 10% left on my fucking battery.I have the flashlight on the battery and the key had fallen somehow.
Like in the wind?I say this to Kevin because I remember him mentioning it during one of our phone calls.
The wind was so strong that it knocked the key out of my hand. No, it for some reason fell in my shoe, in the doorway.I have no idea how it did that.I was here for a while and the power was still out.
A couple of hours, I don't know, maybe an hour and a half, maybe two hours max.I don't know.
I don't know.I don't know what else to tell you.You said that you were waiting to see whether she'd pull up.So I presume that was here?
Yes.Yeah, there was periods of time where I waited here. Yeah, that is true.I waited and I was like... Because then the power would come back on for a second, then it would go back off.I remember that.And the wind.That fucking wind.
So you reckon like a couple of hours that you were here in the dark before?I guess.
I don't know why that matters.
I don't tell Kevin why it matters, because I want us to double-check our facts first.
I shouldn't have let her leave. I was under the delusion that the therapy that she was going through was working for her, and that's why she was so coping well with everything.She wasn't coping well.
She got in that bathroom and decided in that bathroom to go kill herself.That's what happened.And I had no fucking idea it happened.And that is a failure of epicness.I know no one believes me, She acted normal.She hugged me and kissed me.
I remember she looked really hot that night.She was wearing these leggings with this pink furry coat.And I told her she had makeup on.And I remember telling her specifically, I'm like, wow, you look great.I squeezed her ass.
That was something I always did before she left.And she laughed.
After we leave Kevin's apartment, we double-check our facts.A few months ago, we contacted Southern California Edison to find out exactly how long the power had been out for at Kevin's address that night.
They emailed back to say that the power failed at 9.53pm for three minutes, and then it came back on, and then it went off again at 10.10pm for 18 minutes.And that's it. In total, that night, Kevin's apartment lost power for only 21 minutes.
The Last Days of August was written by me, John Ronson.It was produced by Lina Macitsis.The music is by Joel Ronson.The sound engineer is Paul Schneider.
Thanks to Eric Newsom, Colin Campbell, Jonathan Kurland, Vanessa Harris, Rosa Oh, Jose Acevedo, Elaine Ronson and David Bloom.
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal urges or ideation, you can phone the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1800 273 8255.
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