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The Craft Seas Company, who also bring you Bing Crosby every Thursday night, present each week at this time, Harold Perry as the Great Gilderslave, written by Leonard L. Levinson.
Now let's visit our friend, the Great Gilderslave, who's at the Bundles for Blue Jackets bazaar, preparing to do his bit by acting as the barker at the booth where the pretty girls are going to sell kisses.
Well, well, so this is my booth, eh?You know, Marjorie, I think it's going to be fun selling kisses.
This is the first time I've heard of it, Uncle Mort.Gee, who are you going to sell your kisses to?Uncle Mort isn't going to do the kissing, Leroy.I thought I was wrong about that.
There are going to be a dozen beautiful young ladies to do the work, Leroy.Incidentally, Margie, you'll be a good salesman.A fellow should know about what he's talking about, you know.
Now, don't you think there's a... No, I guess free samples are out.
Yeah.Gee, why spend a buck for a wet smack when you can get just as daffy on a dime's worth of taffy?
You know Uncle Mark, that wasn't a bad idea of Leroy's.About you kissing any of the ladies.We could charge a dollar a piece.
Because I'd pay a dollar myself, not to kiss the type of woman that would pay a dollar to kiss me.
Oh, Miss Mark, I got your lemonade stand all fixed up for you.But if we get the big crowd, I don't think three lemons is gonna be enough. Well, you better get some more, Bertie.
They're going to open the doors in about an hour, and we're expecting a lot of people.Oh, yes.All the gentlemen in town want to patronize Mr. Gilslee's osculation station.
Yes, sir.They'll be buzzing around that kiss booth till them poor girls is all puckered out.
And all the ladies going to line up at that yogi man's tent to have their fortunes told.Oh, you mean Yogi Swamihandra?Oh, Penny Banks met him in New York, and he's marvelous.
We're counting on him as our main attraction.Oh, there's Penny.Oh, Penny!Stop now, Marge.I just had the most terrible news.I don't know what to do.Yogi Swamihandra's missed his plane connections and won't be here in time.
Fine, fortune teller.Why didn't he look in his crystal ball, see that he was going to miss the plane, and then see that he didn't?
Well, we've depended on the yogi as our big money maker.Why don't you get a substitute?
Leroy, do you think that yogis grow on bushes?
I don't know.What is a yogi?
A yogi is a man who tells you about your past and future for a present.Hey, Penny, isn't there any other one floating around who can pinch hit for this man?
Well, why don't you get somebody to dress up and play the part?
Well, Mr. Gildersleeve, that would be deceiving the people.
What do you think those fortune tellers do?When they look in a crystal ball, they don't see any newsreel, you know.
Sure, all you need is a smooth talker with a gift of gab, like Uncle Mort here.
Yeah, no, wait a minute, young man.
Yes, Uncle, if you wore a costume and makeup and a beard... People would still recognize me.
No, you could get away with it.
But I wouldn't know what to say.
Well, we could help you by giving you the lowdown on the customers.
Lowdown?But suppose they got the lowdown on me?
They wouldn't if you changed your voice.Oh, say yes, Uncle Mort.
Oh, what am I getting myself into?I'm no fortune teller. And something tells me that instead of being in front of a crystal ball, I'm going to find myself behind an eight ball.
Well, what are we stopping here for, Unc?The costume place is three blocks down the street.
I know, Leroy, but read the sign.
Oh.Have your past, present, and future revealed by a famous gypsy physique.
That's psychic, Leroy. Yes.Madam Rosalie, the gypsy who reveals all.
Gee, Gypsy Rosalie, I've heard of her.
Leroy, that's another one.I thought maybe I could pick up a few pointers on how to go about this fortune-telling business from this woman here.
No, Leroy, you'll have to wait here.I'll be right back.
uh... uh... you have come to consult but i'm not telling you that they did it to keep everything knows everything and pat everybody is why yes that is if she isn't busy i shall look in the crystal ball and c no i am not uh... i see it's you know you're free uh... no
It will be necessary to cross my palm with silver.
Oh, yes, of course.How much?
One dollar for three questions.A past, a present, and a future.
Thank you. Now sit down and look deep into crystal ball.
All right, I'm looking.What next?
Excuse me, would you mind repeating that?
That's what I thought you said.I'll have to remember that.What does it mean?
I am calling on the spirit of my forefathers.
They must have been tobacco auctioneers then. Well, go right ahead, madam.
First, for the past.I see not long ago trouble.There was smoke, a dark cloud behind you.
Oh yes, Bertie burned a toast at breakfast.Very good.
Madame Rosalie, she never fails.And now for the present. Hmm, you get into trouble because of men.
Does he have a black mustache?
Sure, with black mustache, he gets you in trouble.You know him?
Yeah, that's me.I'm my own worst enemy. Now, what about the future?
Soon you will have loss, if not careful.
Crystal ball say honey, terror, ugly, dora, blasto, mixo, blasto, plomene.
Well, thank you very much.Is that all?
Yes. Unless you wish to ask the two-dollar question.
Oh, I don't think I'll have the time.Let me see how late it is.Uh, bye, George.What did I do with my watch?
I had it... Oh, the time?
She's not... No, see here, madam.Where's my watch?
I thought you knew everything.
I do not bother with trifles.
This wasn't a trifle.It was an $80 watch.
Sir, are you accusing me?
Yes.Either I get my watch back or... Hey, I'll bet you put it in that drawer.
No, no, you keep out of there.
Is that so?I'm going to have a look.
You stop that.It's none of your business.
Well, well, what's this?Madam, you've got enough watches here to start a hot shop. And here's mine.Well, thank you.I guess I'll go now.
You!You hush me, malacarando, seba baninga, crony, todo apnidali!
What does that mean?No, no, don't answer that.So long, madam, and don't take any wooden watches.
Well, debutante.Oh, well.Hey, come on, Leroy.
Did you learn anything, Uncle Mort?
I'll say I did.When a gypsy says, watch out, she means you're going to be out of watch. Well, you see this gold timepiece of mine?
Well, that gypsy tried to... Oh, my goodness, Leroy, this isn't my timepiece at all.
Oh, wait a minute, Uncle Mort.Where are you going?
I'm going back to get my watch from that gypsy woman.
But she hasn't got it, Unc.
What do you mean?How do you know?
You laid it down on the dining room table at lunchtime and left home without it.
This way, Uncle.I mean Maharaja.The bazaar is in full blast.
Not so fast, Leroy.Is everything all right with my costume?How about the turban?
Your laundry mark's showing.Yeah, that's better.
Oh, thanks.How about this beard?
Gee, your best friends won't tell you.From a Hindu, I mean.
Yeah.There's Penny and Marjorie and Bertie.Let's see if we can fool them, huh?You pretend I'm the real Yogi.
All right.Hey, Penny, this gentleman was outside and said he wanted to see you.This is Miss Banks, Mr. Yogi.
Greetings, ma'am Sahib.A thousand pardons if I'm late.
Oh, Uncle Marge, you look cute.
Yeah, I see you.I'll never get away with this.
Oh, yes you can, Mr. Gildersleeve.Oh, sure, Uncle.You look just like you stepped out of Kipling.Doesn't he, Bertie?That's right.That's why he's been Kipling all his life.People are waiting to have their fortunes told, Mr. Gildersleeve.
Now, here's what we'll do.Marge, you sell tickets.Okay.And Bertie, you and I will spot the customers and tell Leroy their names and all about them.Yes, ma'am.I'm the old glow-down on the high ups.
And then Leroy, you go around to the back of the tent.There's a hole there, and you whisper the information to your uncle.
Well, how will I know when Leroy's there?
Uh, suppose I knock three times.
On a canvas tent?That's like knocking on a wet sponge.How about whistling something?
That's a good idea.What do I whistle?
How about something boogie-woogie?
Yes.No, Bernie.Spare me the hot licks. Why not something Indian?
Oh, not by the waters of the Minnetonka?
No, Marjorie, East Indian, like, uh... ♪ Pale hands I love beside the Shalimar ♪ Wouldn't you rather hear deep in the heart of Texas?No, Leroy, pale hands, not clap hands. That should be easy to remember.Just look at your hands.
Oh, just look at your hands.
What's wrong with them, Uncle?
You better wash them.They're not pale enough.
People are waiting, Mr. Yildishly.You better go in the tent and get started.
Wait a minute, girls.I'm getting cold feet.
Well, just fold them up underneath you and sit on them, Uncle.Now, in you go.
All right, if you insist.
Leroy, what did you call me?
Stoop, Uncle.You'll knock your turban off.
Oh, yes, of course.I thought you... Well, never mind what I thought you said.
Get comfortable in there, Uncle Morton.We'll start sending in the food.
All right, whenever you're ready, just shoot the gulls to me, gals.Now, let me see.How do you do this, Mahatma Gildersleeve?Oh, it must be read to start.Where's that hole in the canvas?This must be it.Is that you, Leroy?
It ain't Carmen Lombardo.Get set now, won't you?I'm about to tell you your first fortune.
Believe me, I'd give a fortune to get out of here.Who is it?
It's some man that none of us knows.
Oh, this is gonna be one of my bad days. Can't you stall him off?
I tried, but no soap.So you gotta take him first.
Well, I'll do my best.How do I look?
Your laundry marker's showing again.Get back there.Here he comes.
I wish I had a mirror in here.Greetings and salutations, sahib.Hello.
You have come to consult Yogi Swamihandra, the king of the Hindu mystics, no?
No.Oh, you didn't?You didn't? Oh, well then, then why did you come here?To ask you about Alice Higgins and Mrs. Belmont-DiVersi and Marie King.Eh?What about them, Sahib? As if you didn't know.As if I do.Come, come, sir.
If you care to gaze in the crystal ball, maybe I can locate these people.They sent me to locate you, Andrews.Andrews?You are making some mistake.Yes, I am the Yogi Swamihandra.Sure, sure, I know that.
Yogi Swamihandra, alias William Andrews, alias Walter Bunker, alias Louis the Frost, alias Pete Brown.If who, me?Yes. And to take a Lieutenant Quinn from Chicago where you want him to jump a bail on bunco charges.
What?You're also wanted in Idaho for obtaining money out of false pretenses, in Baton Rouge for running a confidence game, and in Florida for selling rubber plants guaranteed to grow white sidewall tires.
We'll hear from the great Gildersleeve again in just a moment. Meantime, you mothers and wives of hearty eaters, does the way your food budget is going up ever get you down?If so, have you ever thought of serving parquet margarine, made by craft?
Because using parquet margarine is one sure way to economize and please your family too.You see, parquet margarine is different from the margarine you may have tried a few years back.Parquet is the delicious, wholesome margarine that's made by craft.
And like all the famous craft foods, it's mighty good tasting.But there's no need to take my word for it. Parquet costs so little, why not buy a pound tomorrow and try parquet yourself?
I'll bet you agree parquet's delicate appetizing flavor is pretty hard to beat.Then too, parquet margarine is a nourishing, wholesome food.It's one of the best energy foods you can serve.
And to make it even better for you, Kraft adds vitamin A to parquet margarine.9,000 units to every pound.So give the food budget a break.Order delicious parquet margarine tomorrow.Yes, ask your dealer for parquet. P-A-R-K-A-Y.Parquet.
The delicious margarine made by Kraft.Now back to the great Gildersleeve, who suddenly found himself a much-wanted man by the police of half a dozen cities.
Now that isn't fair.You do this to us.Just a second.
Quiet, please.Quietly, Rose. And I care what you people say, I came here to grab the yo-gai and he's going back to face trial.
Officer, you're making a mistake.This is my uncle, Mr. Gildersleeve.
Yes, Frockmorton P. Gildersleeve.Boy, that's a phony alias if I ever heard one.
See, you can see he isn't a yogi.Take your beard off again, uncle.
Never mind, never mind.I know he's a fake yo-gai.His real name is Willie Andrews.And he's known as Willie the Tub.Yep.I am not a tub.It's just the way this coat buttons. Yeah, I knew that when I started to fool folks, I'd get into trouble.
But, Lieutenant Quinn, if you take him away now, bundled to the blue jackets, we'll lose a lot of money.Why don't you wait till we close down tonight?
Well, okay, miss, okay.I'll let this grafter operate for the balance of the show, but I'll be on guard right outside the tent.
Is that understood?Excuse me, do you mind if I go home?I'm expecting a bad headache.
No, you stay right here, Uncle Mort.Don't worry.We're going to get this all straightened out before the bazaar closes, Mr. Gildersleeve.Come on, let's let the yogi get to work.Come on, Lieutenant.Come on, Marjorie.Leroy.Okay, I'm coming.
Take it easy, Uncle Mort.Remember, keep a stiff upper turban.
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I've been in hot water ever since I put on this Turkish towel.
We'll get you out of this, Uncle, if it takes us years.
Yeah, and it looks like it will, too.Remember, Willie, no tricks now. Oh, here we go again.Yes, Leroy, who is it this time?The district attorney?
You're getting warm, Unc.It's your old pal, Judge Hooker.
What?Oh, well, that old crab wants his fortunes told.This is the first pleasant thing that's happened to me all day.All right, Leroy, go on, go on, go on.
Is this where you come to have your hand read?
The yogi, he does not work by the hand.He's the crystal ball player. Pleased to take a sit down, Judge.
Judge?Say, how do you know I'm a judge?
You're speaking to Yogi Swamihandra, queen of the Hindu mystics.A great soothsayer who sees all, knows all, and tells a little.
Well, that was certainly good, guessing my profession.
It's not necessary for me to guess, Judge Hooker.What?I know. Now it will be necessary to cross my palm with silver.
But I paid my dollar outside.
I have no contact with the outside.That is separate business.The silver, please, in form of a $5 bill.
I will not.No, sir, I will not.
How about that $5 bill you won at poker last night? Hey, how did you know that?Shh, don't worry.I shall not tell a soul you were supposed to draw one card, and you picked up two.Thank you very much, Sahib.
Now look deep into the crystal ball.Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?I am calling on the spirit of my forefathers.
But if you're going to tell my fortune, why don't you call on my forefathers?
Because, Sahib, I cannot bark. What's that?Silence, please.I am gazing into your past.It is mighty murky.Well, what do you see?I see you have a friend.A dark man with mustache.
No, not fat.Maybe a little plump.But on him, he looks good.
He's a handsome dog, no? I wouldn't call him handsome, but he's a dog, all right.
Enough.You are always abusing this friend fellow, giving him the hot food in his soul.That is bad.For you, I mean.
Yes.Oui.Da. He said in my native tongue... Is that so?Say, what does it mean?It mean be good to Gildersleeves or he give you coughing around, that's what.
Say, you're a whiz.I'd like to put you to one last test, though.This is a hard one.What's this friend's first name?
I know it as well as I know my own.He's Throckmorton P. That's absolutely right.
Mmm.Say, Yogi, elections are coming up pretty soon. Can you tell me if I'm going to win again?
Let me look in the crystal ball.I can see the day of election.You can?Lots of voters, in and out, all day long.
Now it is late, twilight.They close the polls.I see, and then?They're counting the votes.Yes, yes, go on.It's getting dark.They're adding up totals.I see.Well, what is it?I think I see it.No, I can't.
What's wrong?What's the trouble?
It's so dark I cannot read results.
Hey, Leroy, stop yelling uncle.All right, George, I'm ready to yell uncle myself.I've told about more fortunes this afternoon than Dun and Bradstreet.
Oh, cheer up, Uncle Mort.The next one is the last before dinner.
Well, all right.Who is it now?
Mrs. Salisbury Twitchell.
Oh, that mildewed old scorpion.
Yeah, you know all about her.I'd better duck now.
Yeah, I hope I can hold out.Madam, Yogi Swamihandra welcomes you.
Hello.First of all, Mr. Swami, or Yogi, or whatever you are, I want you to know that I don't believe in any of this nonsense.
Why, of course not, Mrs. Salisbury Twitchell.
Oh, you know my name.Who told you?
I am Yogi Swamihandra.I know everything.
Well, I wager that you don't know everything. What was my maiden name?
Excuse me, I got to look in the crystal ball.With this ball, I can even look that far back.Oh, I got it.Madam, before you were married, your name used to be McGillicuddy.Babe McGillicuddy.
All right, that's enough.You don't need to go on.
Your father, she had farm.Raised turnips.
Oh, now that's where you're wrong.They were beets.
Excuse, please, but beets look like turnips because this is not technicolor, crystal ball.I see many interesting things in your past, madam.Shall I tell you?
Oh, no, no.You know them and so do I, so why bother?
You have led very interesting life, madam. Would make wonderful movie.
Sure.With title, How Green Was My Mr. Twitchell.
Tell me, madam, you still do not believe in my powers?
No, I've changed my mind.You're positively uncanny.Now, sir, I have a number of problems and I need your advice.Suppose I tell you all about them.
Some other time, Mrs. Twitchell.Now I got to go eat dinner.
Of course.Why don't you come out to my house?
What?Oh, no, I got to relax.Besides, I've already promised Miss Forrester I got to have dinner at her house.Oh, but I must talk to you some more.
I know what.Oh, Marjorie!
Yes, my dear.I've become so fascinated with the Yogi that I've insisted on his coming to dinner at my place.You must come, too, and bring your little brother, that uncle of yours, Mr. Gildersleeve.
Not him, not Gildersleeve.If he comes along, I'll not be there.
Oh, Yogi, I'm getting to like you more every minute.Very well, let's get out of this tent.My car is at the curb.Looks like we're stuck, Angoche.
I've got a reading out of my hand, Marjorie.I'm coming, Mrs. Twitchell.Hey, wait a minute.Wait a minute.Where do you think you're going?I'm going out to dinner.Not without me, you ain't.
Oh, Yogi, who is this gentleman?
Who?Oh, this.This is Mr. Quinn.He's trying to get me to do some work for the state.
You might as well invite him to dinner, too, because he's going to come along anyway.
Oh, now, Yogi, tell me something about India.
India?Sure, Yogi, go ahead.You're an old Indian faker.I am Indian fakir.Well, there's no difference between the two, is there?No more than between a flat foot and a flat head.
Gee, that's a hot one, Uncle Mort.Yeah, that's a hot one, Uncle Mort would have said.Nero, finish your spinach. Oh, gee, I bet they don't eat spinach in India, do they, Yogi?
Da.Where I come from, they stuff children with spinach so they can't talk at dinner time.
Oh, that reminds me.I've been meaning to ask.What part of India did you come from, Yogi?
No, no.I mean, where were you born?
Oh, boy, now I grab you.Where was I born?In my papa's house.My mama done told me. Well, I think it's time for me to return to the bazaar.Let me see.It's already 15 minutes coming to 8 o'clock.
Oh, what a beautiful gold watch.Where did you get it, Yogi?
It was given to me by Gypsy's woman.She thought I was a fellow named Joe.I must remember to mail it back to her. Excuse me, Yogi.Yes?
Your beard is coming off.
Oh, my goodness.How's that?
It's crooked.It points off to the left.
Oh, how's it now?Any better?
Yeah, but we better get out of here before it falls into your finger hole.
Okay.I'm sorry, Mrs. Twitchell, but now I must make the grand scrap.Yes, and after he finishes tonight, we've got to go on a little trip, don't we, Yogi?
Oh, well, aren't you staying in town for a few days?
No, no.We have a little legal business to attend to in Chicago.
Madame Twitchell, you said a mouse hole.
Well, take good care of the Yogi on the trip.
Oh, sure.I won't let him out of my sight.In fact, I'm going to simply attach myself to him.Oh, holy catfish.
I was only praying to the holy catfish of the Ganges River.Goodbye, Mrs. Twitchell.Come on, everybody.
Oh, I hope this is over pretty soon.I'm plenty tired of tenting tonight on the old campground. If... Is that you, Leroy?
If... What are you doing whistling pale hands?Where's Leroy?
It's late.He's gone home and I'm on the swing shift.
Oh, I see.Well, who's next, Birdie?
There's a big gentleman with a dull red gleam in his eyes.
Y'all been telling some wife her husband's a philanthropist.
Bertie, I've told so many different people so many different stories, I don't know what I said.I'd better get out of here.Bertie, you go out and stall him a little while, huh?
Okay, but he ain't the type that stalls good.
Oh... Now if I can crawl under the back of this tent and sneak out before that nosy detective from Chicago discovers that... Oh, hello, Lieutenant Quinn.What are you doing here?Get back in there, Tubby, before I take you to Chicago in a box.
Yes, well, I... I was only after a breath of fresh air.You don't have to crawl out on your hands and knees after it. I'll get back in there, Willie.All right, and stop calling me Willie.
Excuse me, but are you the man who calls himself Yogi Svamahandra?It does.Have you got an appointment?No, I haven't.
Then I can't read your fortune.
Okay, then I will read yours. Take a good look in the crystal ball, Yogi.What do you see?I see nothing.
Well, I see something.I can see you tomorrow morning.You are waking up. In a hospital bed!If... if what?Your jaw's fractured, both of your eyes are black, your nose is in splints, and your ribs are barbecued!
Oh my goodness, what are you talking about?And my predictions come true, my friend, and I'll make sure!Now wait a minute, who are you?I just got into town on a late plane, and I find my reputation is ruined, and you've done it, you faker!
I am the real Yoki Swamihandra! Oh, you are.Well, I'm certainly glad to meet you.No, you won't be.I'm going to give your face a retread job.No, you don't.You keep away from me.Oh, Mr. Quinn.Oh, Mr. Quinn.Hey, what's the idea?
Grab that man.There's your real yogi.Do your duty, officer.Hey, come back here and fight.That's for you, Joseph.The Great Builder's Slave will be with us again in a few minutes.
But first, are those lenten meals becoming a problem to you, homemakers?I mean, are you finding it hard to make them as tasty and appetizing as your regular meals?Well, if you do, here's a hint that may be mighty helpful.Yes, it's this.
You can add rich extra flavor to all kinds of dishes by using plenty of parquet margarine, made by Kraft.You see, the delicate, tempting flavor that makes parquet margarine a favorite spread for bread makes it grand for cooking, too.
Parquet margarine is swell melted over hot vegetables. It's a real flavor shortening that adds delicate extra flavor to cookies and cakes and pie crust.Parquet makes pan-fried food tastier because it tastes so good itself.
In fact, parquet margarine adds extra flavor to all kinds of dishes.And the extra zest that makes your family ask for more.Best of all, using lots of parquet margarine is no extravagance.
When you find how little it costs, you'll certainly agree to that.
And remember parquet margarine is a highly nutritious energy food that's a reliable year-round food source of important vitamin A. So right now, put delicious parquet margarine at the top of tomorrow's shopping list.
Remember, it's parquet, P-A-R-K-A-Y.Parquet, the margarine that's made by Kraft.
And there we were, Judge.Me and Willie the Tub locked in mortal combat.But I subdued him by sheer brute strength.
Well, seeing what you've done, I guess I'll have to forgive you for tricking me, Gildersleeve.Say, I just remembered.What did you do with my five bucks?
Oh, that.I did the best thing possible with it, Judge.I've given it to the American Red Cross. I hope everyone who's listening in will find an extra five spot to turn over to the Red Cross this week, like I did.Like you did, Judge.Good night.
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