On today's episode of the podcast, I start off by sharing our big Halloween village celebration and how this is definitely something we're going to be doing every year from now on.
And then I move on to sharing that we are in Portugal right now having a beautiful family vacation, but that somehow the journey here and many small and big things all colliding, happening at the same time,
brought me to a really difficult and low mental space where I have been sitting with a lot of anxiety and fear over the past few days.And you know how sometimes it's just really hard having your heart live outside of your body when you have kids?
I'm in that place right now.And as usual, I share it all from the heart.Thanks for listening.Let's jump in.
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Hi friends, hi, welcome back to the show.I feel like we haven't talked in a while, even though it was just a week ago.We have not had a break in this podcast.It's just that so much has happened. since we spoke last.
First of all, I need to preface this show just by saying I am in Portugal.We're staying at an Airbnb and it's not the super awesomest conditions to record in.I'm sitting in kind of an echoey room and there's a pretty loud refrigerator next to me.
I'm kind of hoping you can't hear it and that this recording will be okay. We're also right just in the middle of a very busy, it's a busy street, but it's a busy walking street.
So I thought, okay, it's going to be pretty quiet anyway to record the podcast because there's not a lot of cars going by.But Portuguese people are really loud.
I mean, the way like Latin American people and Hispanic people are loud, the way most people are loud that aren't Swedish, I guess.And I've really missed it.I've really, really missed.I mean, we've never been to Portugal before.
I haven't missed Portugal because it's our first time, but I have missed the warmth of this kind of culture.Dennis has too.He feels really at home here and just the warmth of like, yeah, like
being loud and warm and people touch each other and come up to talk all the time and everyone is so friendly with the kids and yeah, it's just different from Sweden which is very cold and way more distant, you know.
But yeah, we are in Portugal, but if you hear anybody shouting in the background, it's just probably like a Portuguese grandma yelling at her husband.We have seen so much of that and it's just my favorite thing ever. So, yeah, we are in Portugal.
We're just here for vacation.
Every fall there's a little fall break where Lea has a week off from school and we decided instead of staying in Sweden, November tends to be kind of, for me anyway, November tends to be kind of a tricky month because you haven't fully descended into like Christmas magic and Christmas
Although I do, I mean for sure, the moment I get home, it's Christmas galore.But you haven't really arrived at like the feeling of winter yet, but it is really dark and daylight savings time has come.
So, you know, we have way less daylight now, the sun sets already before 5pm, which is a big shift.And it rises really late, so you have already, you know, it's already really dark and very short days.
And, yeah, we just decided, like, she has a week off, let's take advantage.Where do we want to go?And Portugal has been on our list forever, literally forever, for a long, long, long time.
I don't know why it's taken us so long to visit, to be honest.I mean, we don't know anybody here.We tend to, like, at least traveling around Europe, we tend to gravitate toward places where we want to, like, visit family or good friends.
We don't know anybody in Portugal.One of my best friends lived here for quite some time.She lived in a van here for a couple years around the pandemic.
So we have like, yeah, a little bit of insight around where to go, but that's the only, like, I've only seen her photos and videos and her shares from here.We don't know anybody really. And we tend to, yeah, we go to Spain a lot.
Like we speak Spanish, so it makes sense to want to go to Spain.I don't speak a word of Portuguese, but Portuguese is really similar to Papiamento, Dennis's native language.So we can kind of understand.
It's not like we can get around on Papiamento because it's a totally different language, but you can definitely tell how Papiamento has a lot of Portuguese influence.Like there's so many words, even sentences that are almost identical.
And it really has, it's weird, it has an Aruban vibe.Dennis keeps saying everywhere we go, oh, this reminds me of this place and this reminds me of that.
And you can just kind of tell just how the streets are set up and the vegetation is somehow a little bit, not all the way, but in some places kind of similar.And just how people are, you know, it's very, yeah, Dennis feels right at home.
It is so beautiful. I'm really, I'm blown away just by, yeah, by the beauty of nature here.I mean, so far we've only been to a few places like nearby.We've been to Santa Cruz and now we are in a little town called Ericeira.
We just arrived late last night and it's morning time, it's like 10 a.m.right now, so I haven't gotten to explore a whole lot, although we have been up since 5 a.m.
One of the tricky things we've encountered here is that everything starts really late, opens really late.It really is that, like, chill, laid back, sleep in, manana type of attitude, which is amazing.
It would be amazing if we didn't have Bear waking us up at five.
five in the morning, it's dark outside, and it's like, oh, okay, we have at least four, maybe even five hours until any of the cafes and restaurants open and we can, like, go have breakfast.So it's, yeah, it's taken a little bit of getting used to.
We are at an Airbnb here.We just, we stayed three nights at this beautiful hotel, really in the middle of nowhere, this amazing hotel with a permaculture garden. Like a big family village, it was super, super beautiful to be there.
And now we're road tripping a little bit and we're going to be, I think probably Airbnb hopping, which makes sense when you have kids who need breakfast and you know, there's a fridge and a kitchen and we can stock up on yogurt and stuff so we can make it until everything opens.
But yeah, I really feel like so much has happened in this past week.So last we spoke, we were about to dive into this wild and crazy Halloween village that we created at the farm.
I was talking, I told you the whole story about like, it was basically like a whole episode around poop just inspired by this port-a-potty I had to rent.
And let me just tell you, I'm recording this and it is Halloween now, and it was seriously the best party we have ever thrown.I mean, it really was.I don't know how everything came together so perfectly. It was incredible.It was so much fun.
I saved a little highlight on Instagram I was sharing in stories, just little snippets of the night.So if you don't know what I'm talking about, head over to my Instagram account and check out that little story highlight.It's just called Halloween.
But honestly, it was so much fun.Yeah, it was so, so, so much fun.So many people came.We don't know how many people came, at least like 60, 70 people. Someone was like, no, there was like a hundred or more.I don't know.
I'm thinking like 60, 70 is like correct because a lot of parents and siblings came along with the kids.But because we were so spread out across the whole farm, it didn't feel it was never cramped.It was never overcrowded.
We could have had twice the amount of people because we were outside.Everyone was moving around from barn to barn, place to place.It was just yeah, it was just a really perfect, perfect vibe.
And we had so many little components and games and like exciting things that the kids could do.And I don't know what it is about like dressing up and costumes and the anticipation of like maybe getting scared, maybe not.
It brings out such a childlike energy in people, in adults too.And I mean, for the children who came, it was so beautiful to see them because we had, so essentially like we had set up this big kind of like spooky arch with a big entrance.
And we had our huge boombox playing really spooky, like legit spooky music as people arrived.And I was dressed up as a zombie pirate. I don't know why, how we landed on zombie pirate, but that's where I ended up.
And then when people arrived, I was just kind of thinking like, I'm going to be there guiding.
I wasn't thinking I'm going to be in some sort of character here or because we had ghosts, like actual actor ghosts moving around the farm who were full on in character, like scaring kids and scaring people.
And it was plenty like we had plenty of people doing that.So I thought I'm just going to be like, Yeah, I'm the host, essentially, right?
I'm the zombie pirate welcoming everyone here, telling people about the lay of the land, where to go, where to begin, what to explore.Like, I was just thinking I'm going to be this, like, logistical host welcoming everyone.
But then something happened inside of me when the The first group of people came and everyone is dressed to the teeth, right?Like everyone is all in.All the kids are.
They're just so amazingly dressed up and you can tell like they've been waiting for this for a long time.Like Leia sent these invitations out a couple weeks ago.They've been talking about it at school.It's been this thing.
This is their big Halloween moment.Like they're not going to do more Halloween stuff than this most likely.Like this is Halloween.
And depending on the vibe of the children, like some of them would walk up kind of cocky, you know, like they've decided already in the car, I'm not gonna be scared of any of this.Like some of the older kids were like that.
And you can just tell, but then, you know, the moment they set foot on the farm and they start looking around and there's spooky things happening.
Like, there's a man, hands covered in blood, full face of, like, spooky makeup, wearing a hat and a leather jacket, just walking up and down the lawn, like, right next to the entrance.And the lawn happened to be a little cemetery.
just casually dragging a real sword around, talking to himself, muttering to himself.He brought the sword.So this was one of my mom's actor friends, and he showed up like, yeah, completely committed to this character that he had created.
He was Death, Dördom in Swedish.
And you see these kids, and they just see him, and then they see everything happening, and they see, like, the witch's cauldron around the fire, and there's, like, actual smoke coming out of it, and there's, like, screams coming from this old haunted house on the hill, like, actual screams, because the White Dame was there, and she was terrifying, like, absolutely.
And she was—my mom—she was insane.Like, she went all in. I don't know, it was crazy.And then to the other side, there's someone walking around swinging a chain, completely dressed in spooky, crazy makeup.
And then all the way over there is a clown casually playing guitar, just sitting there, staring into space.There was so much going on everywhere.
So even the more brave and very confident children, as soon as they stepped on the land, they were like, oh, wait. You could just tell that little hesitation.
And then, of course, some kids showed up and they were legitimately holding their parents' hands.So I got to really feel into the energy of each group.And some kids, I just, you know, hi, welcome. Like, how does it feel to be here?
Are you a little bit nervous?Yeah, I was too.Don't worry.
And I would kind of be that like almost kindergarten teacher vibe, just kind of guiding them so that they wouldn't be too scared and then telling their parents where to go where things were not so spooky, so it would be a fun experience.
And then you could tell the kids who were like there for the spooky.All of a sudden, I just find myself like I am Esmeralda.I am zombie pirate of the 11 seas. Welcome to our farm.Welcome, welcome.
And I was just like stepping into this character where I got to full on act with the kids with a spooky voice and they're just taking in every word I'm saying.
And all of a sudden, I don't know if it's the audience or the vibe or the fact that everything just escalated into such awesomeness. But each person just found a character without us talking about, we didn't really have a script.
We didn't have a big storyline around what's happening on the farm.It was just, it's a Halloween village.Next year, we're going to have a script.It's going to be, we're going to elevate this like every year for sure.
But each person just like stepped into character and it was just, it was amazing.So I would like guide people down to the magical, like to the witch's like coven.
They were gathered around the cauldron where there was maybe poisoned candy, maybe regular candy.We don't know, like parents have to taste it first, you know?And then next to that, they could throw a ring on a witch's hat.
It was like a little game station where they could have a game. And then they could head over to the bat cave, and in the bat cave was the bat lady.And she had descended from the underworld, like along with her legion of bats.
And it was a test of bravery there.So there she would blindfold them, and they got to put their hands in different kinds of sensory, like spooky sensory buckets.One of them was just cooked pasta in oil.
But when you are, you know, you're in a strange place, the whole, like that, we did that in the stables and it was lit up completely red and there's like smoke coming out and there's really spooky music, spider webs and cobwebs everywhere and bats everywhere.
And then there's this bat lady, like fully dressed, like an actress.She was a full-on actress, incomplete character, so spooky.
taking your hand, blindfolding you, guiding you into the stable like corner where there's a table set up with these huge buckets, telling you, okay, it's time to, it's time to like seek.They had to guess what they were touching and what was there.
And it was like a bucket of worms.And then the second one, we had this like, it was like kind of like jello beads, like this really weird thing.And we said, I can't remember what we said they were.
Maybe they were like cricket eggs or something like that. And then we had one with like tissue, what do you call it, like cotton balls?But it was really freaky, like people didn't know what it was and it was just, I don't know.
Each thing, even though it was so simple in that moment with like blindfolded and the Bat Lady, it was, she said some kids came back like six or seven times and there was a line out the door. to go inside.It was so awesome.
And then from there they went up to the haunted house, which is our real haunted house.
And in there, first of all, it's already super spooky because it's like 350 years old and it's as if someone just died and left everything inside from 100 years ago.It's so spooky.
And there's real cobwebs and bugs and, you know, it's a really spooky place. And my mom, she had just told me earlier, she's like, I'm gonna be the white dame.
She was like dressed completely in white from head to toe, white faced, you know, like suit around her eyes.And I didn't really understand that she had like created a person.But you would walk into this house, it's pitch black.
There's just like, you don't hear anything inside.Everyone is dead quiet because you're so scared to step in.And you just hear this sound like, And you don't know, what is this sound?It's like tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
And then you turn the corner into the kitchen and there's one single candle standing on the table.And there's the white dame just casually sitting there knitting with these big knitting needles, big red knitting needles.But she doesn't have any yarn.
So she's knitting and she's knitting really specifically, holding up her finished product and putting it back down. unrolling the yarn and continuing.She's full on knitting something, but she doesn't have any yarn.
And that alone, without her saying anything, without her spooking or scaring anyone, that was so terrifying.So scary. just to walk by her, like she's sitting in this abandoned house filled with junk.It's absolutely terrifying.
She's just dressed in white and candlelight knitting with no yarn.I mean, yeah.And then she had this whole character where she was just, it was amazing.Like she was chasing children around the farm. to their delight.It was fantastic.
And then we had, what else did we have?We had this huge spider barn where we had a spider moved in, like this crazy, yeah, it was really beautifully, amazingly decorated, if I dare say so myself.
And then one of the barns, you could play a game of cornhole together with a haunted What did we name him?The Axe Man.Yeah, he was also really scary.
And then we had a whole other barn with this full on just disco and food and caramel dipped apples and lots of games and dancing.And we had the hot dog, like hot dogs fresh from the grill and just so much candy.Holy shit.
And I had told people the day before, because I was so nervous, we're gonna run out of candy, like how many are coming?How much candy are they gonna take in each place?And that was just the fears, like what if we run out of candy?
So I told parents, if anyone wants to bring some candy for the candy pot, just bring it and we'll put it all in a big pot and we'll take candy from there to refill all the cauldrons.Every single person brought a huge thing of candy.
And at the end, because people kept coming throughout, I had to like reject Kent.I'm like, no, we have too much.What the hell are we going to do with pounds and pounds and pounds of Halloween candy?Like, what are we going to do with this?
This is too much.We had to reject it.But at the very end, it was like we just had a tiny bit left over.Like it was just like the perfect amount.I don't know.All in all, it was.Yeah.Kid said it was the best night ever.
Leah said it was her best party of all time.She was just. beaming with joy throughout the whole thing.And even though it was so much work, and way more people came than we had anticipated, it was just the best.Like, it was the best.
We had the port-a-potty there, and I put someone else in charge, and apparently it was frequented, but it wasn't, like, overwhelmingly busy.We could have been okay with, like, a little pea corner on the farm.I think so.But maybe next year.
So next year we're planning, we're going to upgrade, we're going to keep elevating.Someone said next year you should, like, charge a little admission for this whole party.
Maybe we change, like, the whole point of the farm and we make the farm, like, an amusement park just for people to visit.
It doesn't, I mean, I really still want to keep the farm private, so we're not going to ever make this like a public event, but you know, we are going to keep going.
And next year, what we're going to do is we're going to send the kids home when it's time, like for the kids party to end, and then we start the grown-up party. It's like weeks and weeks of putting the farm together.
I mean, we put everything out in like two days, but it was many weeks of prepping everything.And then the kids are there for three hours and then they go and then we take everything down.
Like it felt like a waste of all that work to make the farm into a Halloween village.
So we thought next year we could have a grown up party, like maybe like a cocktail party or a grown up haunted village where maybe we trade the candy cauldrons for like cocktail cauldrons or something.
and we invite all of our friends and we do food and wine and like we have a little yeah we have a grown-up party too doesn't that sound so awesome anyway it was the absolute best and i can't wait for next year we woke up the next morning my mom was like okay
365 days until next Halloween party.Like, are we ready?Are we prepared?Have we written down everything we want to improve?What are we going to do next year?We're going to have more actors.We're going to have a script.
We're going to improve this barn.I'm going to, you know, we have a whole list of things we're going to do better. It was just, yeah, I can't remember putting on a party or a celebration where I felt this much joy at the end, to be honest.
Normally, I feel a sense of stress around like everything having to come together and there's that component of hosting something big like that.
But because we had a lot of help and this year and just planned a lot well in advance, it was just, yeah, awesome, super mega awesome. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.I just want to take a moment to say thank you to my husband, Dennis.
He does so much for me and for our family and continues to hold me in all my highs and lows.And when I pause in the busyness of our day to day to think about it, I just feel overwhelmingly grateful that I get to go through life with him.
This month is all about gratitude, and along with my husband, there's another person we don't get to thank enough.Ourselves.It's sometimes hard to remind ourselves that we are trying our best to make sense of everything.
And in this crazy world, that's not easy.Here's a reminder to send some thanks to the people in your life, including yourself. This is something I learned in therapy actually.
I always thought to be deserving of rest or nice things, I needed to almost kill myself beforehand.But now I've learned that treating myself with compassion and slowing down just because it's nice for me is actually entirely okay.
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That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash yogagirl. So that was our Halloween, and then no one had to worry about that port-a-potty anymore because my brother drove it back to the place where they empty it and I don't have to think about it.
So essentially, yeah, Dennis picked it up.We put it on the fields outside of the farm.We asked the guy who owns the fields next to us if people could park there and if we could put the port-a-potty there.He said no problem.
So yeah, I didn't have to deal with it.Yeah, it wasn't even like that kind of a spooky night for me the way I thought it would be with all of my fears.
I did have something, I don't know if it was triggered by this conversation around like germophobia.For me last week, it was just a big yeah, we talked about or I talked about just how I what changed inside of me since I became a mom and how
how I'm way more nervous about just germs and things being dirty and all of these things and so many of you wrote me after that that you feel the same and that you felt really relieved that I was sharing that and how does it work like living on a farm if you if you you know if you're nervous about that kind of stuff.
For me it's not it's not animals like it's not it's not like poop per se, or dirt per se.There's something about just the unpredictability of being out and about in public, I don't know.
And we got to like dive deep into that now because we're traveling.So the day after Halloween, we got on the plane the next day.
to come here and with everything that that entails and I don't know if it was that I was in that like frame of mind of just there's something icky coming but I had like a crazy trigger on the on the trip here
where it was like a little thing leading to another thing leading to the next thing where I found myself in like a ball of anxiety that honestly I've been trying to sort of sit with it and unravel it over the last couple of days.
I've been gaslighting myself a little bit about it even. Because we just had this amazing party, you know, it was so great, nothing was wrong.And then we got on the plane to come here for this incredible trip that we were so looking forward to.
Everything is good, like everyone is okay.Everything is fine.But for some reason, I just, the moment we, yeah, the moment we got to the airport to begin this trip, I entered a new level of stress. I don't know how to explain it.
I got really stressed out about the unpredictability of life and traveling with children.And this is a thing, it's a theme that we have, Dennis and I, in our relationship, where he is way more laid back and way more relaxed.We all know this.
If you've ever met us, like, you know, meet us for five minutes, you'll know who the chill one is.It's obviously my very Caribbean laid back husband.
But every time we travel and it's part of this is like the germaphobe in me who just kind of like I hate sitting on a plane.I really hate despise like a plane bathroom, a public bathroom, airport bathroom, like all of that.
I roll with it because I'm an adult and I got to do what I got to do.
This trip, for some reason, the moment we got to the airport and Bear starts crawling around on the floor, running left, running right, touching everything, it was just this acute feeling of like, oh, I don't want to be here.
I just want to get to where we're going.This is really intense. And I want everybody to get in line and listen to me.I want everyone to wash their hands.I want everyone to stop touching everything.
And I just started descending down this little hole of anxiety.And of course, we get to the airport really early because there are certain things that I try to do to just mitigate the fact that I am an anxious traveler when I travel with the kids.
I know there's gonna be a point where I get really stressed out and the way to mitigate that is to try to not be late for everything.
Like I try to in advance prepare for the journey so that I don't have to get into that place where I feel really stressed out, right?And yeah, if I was Dennis, yeah, super chill, just show up like right before boarding starts.
That's when you show up to the airport and you go check in and it's like, That's no problem.They know we've checked in and it's easy and you just walk to the gate and everything's fine.
Even if you're the last one on the plane and they're calling your name for final call, he is not stressed about it.
That is wonderful and I'm really glad I married that guy and I didn't marry another version of myself because, yeah, that would not be doable.
But I also feel like because he knows how stressed I get about being late, about travel overall, about the being out of control when you're like on the road with two kids.
I just really, really, really would appreciate some more consideration around like time and time management and being on time and things like that. And it's just near impossible for him to get with me on that program.
So when we are traveling, I'm like dragging bear because he's in that phase now where he wants to walk by himself at all times.He doesn't want to hold anybody's hand.
Yesterday he was really pissed at me, like full on stomping his feet, like losing his mind angry because I would not let him walk completely unsupervised out into the middle of the ocean. Like, how dare I?
How dare I want to hold his hand when we are walking with our feet in the ocean?Like, how?He just wanted to walk straight out into the sea, and I would not let him, and he just lost his mind.
Like, we're at that phase, right, where we can go from absolute joy and excitement and laughter to just lying on the floor, banging our fists in the street.You know, like that kind of, like, one-and-a-half-year-old toddler phase.
So I'm dragging him because he refuses to be held.He just wants to walk.And I'm like, okay, it's fine.He can walk.He wants to push the stroller.
And I'm like, there's going to be a moment here where I'm going to have to pick him up and he's going to scream because he wants to walk, but we're going to have to run to the gate.
Because even though we're early, like Dennis decides he wants to eat and then he wants to go get this thing.And then he goes to the bathroom and then he wants to go buy another like headphone for the kids.
Like, Leia got a new headphone, which is great for her, she loves to listen to music, but I'm like, does this have to happen now?And does it have to happen so slowly?And then, you know, I'm like, ready, all of our stuff is ready, like, we gotta go.
He's like, yeah, but take it easy.Hey, like, we have, the flight's an hour away, like, we have an hour till the flight leaves.And I'm like, yeah, that's an hour till the flight, like, takes off, like, wheels off tarmac. is in one hour.
But we're boarding, like probably within the next 10 minutes, maybe even right now, depending on the airline.And we don't even know where the gate is.Can we please go find the gate?And I'm like dragging this, I'm dragging Bear.
Leia is like her little Pisces self.She's super easy, but she's mega distracted.Like she's
She sees something and she wanders over there, or she chats someone up over there, or she finds a book and she just sits down and starts reading this book in the middle of the store.It's like herding a cat, getting layout to where you want to go.
And then Dennis, who is reluctant to stress, reluctant to rush, reluctant to even pick up the pace.He's just doing things in his own way, in his own pace.And he knows, we're going to get on the plane, it's going to be fine.
but I don't feel fine, okay?I'm in my like stressed out mom mode and the less they like go with me, the less they listen and comply to my like schedule and my want, the more stressed out I become, right?
So finally we leave like this part of the airport where we're like gonna head to the gate and then I see like, oh, our gate has been moved and it's in the new part of the airport. There's a new section to Arlanda Airport in Stockholm.
It's the furthest away, like we are literally the furthest away we could ever be from any gate ever, and we're boarding.
And it's like so hard for me at this stage to not be the, I told you so, look at where we are, now we're gonna have to run to the gate, like it's just, it takes all of my effort to like stay
centered, and stay breathing, and okay, we got to pick up air, let him be upset about it, and haul ass.It's a 20-minute walk to get to the gate, and we're boarding.So we run, right?And we're running.Dennis is like, he's an Aries, right?
So he's very stubborn about like his way, his decision.If he would say, hey, we really should get going now, like he would be running and hauling ass, but because I have been really pushing, we need to go.
I really feel like he's kind of dragging his feet to prove a point that we're not going to be late.This could be like an anxious Libra travels with a Gemini, a Pisces, and an Aries.Let's see how it goes.This is that kind of story.So we're running.
We get to where we're going.It's final call.We're the last ones on the plane.And we have a stroller.We have a diaper bag.We have Leia's backpack. a regular carry-on.We have shit.We're a family traveling with two kids.We have stuff.
We should not be the last ones to board, knowing we're not going to have space to put our stuff.When you're the last one on the plane and all the overhead seats or bins are gone.
We're there, and then he's like, oh wait, there's a few people still there about to walk in.He's like, let me get a cup of coffee.This is who I married, okay? I'm like, we made it.We're not going to miss the plane.And he sees, ah, there's still time.
Look, they haven't even like boarded everybody yet.Let me just go grab some coffee.Hey, do you want a cappuccino?And I'm just like, at this point, sweating, like there's just sweat running down my back.
I mean, I can laugh at it now because it is hilarious how different we are.It is hilarious that this is our family dynamic.We've been together for 14 years.That is an I.
We've been together for so long, 14 years, and still we have this going on when we travel together.It's new for us to travel with two kids, so we're not used to that flow yet.And it's new for us to travel with a bear who is not a moon.
Bear and moon are very different beings. So yeah, he gets coffee while I'm like boarding, like I just take the kids, I'm going, I'm going, like screw this.
I'm at this point super just upset, feeling also like I'm feeling alone, feeling like, do we have to go through this?Like he knows how stressed out I get.And he's thinking like, why does she have to rush so much?Why does she have to be so uptight?
Like, we are not going to miss the plane.Can she just relax?Can't you just have a cup of coffee and chill? We get on the plane, and first of all, the plane is hot.
Like, it's one of those, you know, they don't start the AC until, of course, like, the plane begins, but this is a hot flight.For some reason, there's no air on the plane.And the moment we get on the plane, Bear decides that this is not his thing.
So, and I knew that, like I knew that, like he is content and so happy outside where he can roam completely freely.It's really hard to contain him in a tiny space, like he's gonna break something, he's gonna hurt himself, he's gonna bother somebody.
It's really, yeah, he's one and a half and he's very wild and he's a boy and it's all the things.And we got on the plane and, you know, you have to sit down and strap in and he's not having it.
He wants to climb over the seat to the people sitting behind us for some reason, I don't know.And the fact that we didn't let him do that, we didn't let him like essentially like assault the people behind us by jumping into their laps, okay.
We did not allow that and he just lost it like completely. He's wailing, he's upset, he's crying, he's red-faced, he's, you know, and he doesn't normally have meltdowns like that because, yeah, he has a lot of freedom.
So we don't have to, he doesn't have to be constrained in those ways.And just being strapped down and tied down on this plane, like he was, yeah.And then I'm thinking, okay, it's a four and a half hour flight.He should be really tired by now.
So he should have at least an hour nap at some point.And then I'm gonna be able to ground and take a breath. And this nap doesn't happen.Yeah.He just, he gets more and more stressed out and overwhelmed by like plane stuff.
And we are those parents, you know, in the front of the plane, like you listening, if you're listening and you're nodding and you're like, Oh my God, I feel, I feel the pain of this.You've been that parent, I'm sure.Or you've seen that parent.
at the, you know, at the plane, just walking up and down the aisle, trying to console an unconsolable toddler, which is much harder than trying to console an unconsolable baby.Because at least the baby just stays in your arms, right?
The toddler will not stay in your arms, will not sit still, will not be in one place.And when they have to be restrained to be in one place, it's just, the most impossible painful thing ever.Yeah.And he just doesn't fall asleep.
And my like cortisol levels, I'm not wearing my aura ring right now.I haven't worn it for a couple of weeks.Sometimes I'd take little breaks from it.The aura ring is a ring that measures your sleep and you know, your heart rate and everything.
I would have been in a max because it measures stress.It was like peak stress all day.Never, That was just the day.And people on the plane, most of them are just very, you know, they're looking at us and like, oh, giving us little faces.
And there's another mom like, oh, I remember this time.It's going to pass so quickly, you know, and everyone is like very supportive and kind.
But I feel just so alone in this experience of just, yeah, we're like descending into a doom, you know, all of us.
And the worst thing here is, because Dennis and I were already in a disconnect from the beginning, I'm frustrated with him that we're late.I'm frustrated that he's so slow.
He's frustrated with me that I'm stressing about things that I don't have to stress about.We're just not a team on this flight.
And we have been through other flights, like similar, because we had really hard flights with Leia when she was little, younger than Bear, where we were a team, where we're like, okay, you know, it's you and me against the situation.
The situation is having to be on this flight to get somewhere amazing.Like it's a privilege that we get to be on this flight.All of this is a luxury that we are choosing for ourselves.
You know, we're not on this plane because we have to be here and it's this,
uncontrollable thing that is like against our will no like we're making this choice it's gonna be worth it but also it's really really hard okay and we're together and we're like doing this together this fight was not that this fight was me against him him against me us just completely stressing and of course he got to his place where he started losing it to you know with with bear and all of all of that
So finally, this is like the flight from hell.It's not the flight from hell because we have had a worst flight.You can listen to the episode titled The Flight from Hell from I think 2018.That one was worse.
But so we get to where we're going, bare slept, zero minutes on the plane.And it's like, okay, you know, this moment, this is just a blip in our lives.This doesn't matter at all.We're going to recover from this and just go have a great vacation.
We land at, I think it's 5 p.m.or something, so it's kind of like dinnertime, bedtime for the kids, which is a tricky time, so I just wanna get to the hotel.
We're staying at this hotel, and they have a restaurant, so I know we can eat and just sleep.
And then this thing I've been asking Dennis to do for the past couple days is like, hey, when we land in Portugal, we're gonna need some kind of car service with a car seat. I don't think they're going to have car seats like in the taxis there.
Like in Sweden, most places have a car seat.If you call for a taxi, you can just request a car seat and you get one.Even Ubers often have car seats, but it's not like that in most places.And car seats can be hard to find.
So I've been, you know, gently nudging him and asking him to book this car service to which he has said, no, we can figure that out at the airport. Yeah.And if it sounds like I still carry some resentment toward him for this, it's because I do.
But that was like, you know, it was his one job for this trip.I booked everything else and planned everything else and packed the kids' bags and mostly the mental load of Not just the trip, but like all the things.It's like I carry that.
What could possibly go wrong on this trip?You know, I think about like what kind of like pharmacy things might we need?What if someone gets sick?What if someone gets a stuffy nose?What if someone hurts themselves and we need band-aids?
Does Leia have enough activity so that she doesn't get bored on the plane?And what are we going to do about Bear?And how many snacks do we need?And the place we stay?What about like the plugs and the electrical outlets?
And this option and that option?Do we have enough diapers?And you know, the 1,100 million things that moms think about, he's spared from that.Not every dad is spared from that, but I think most dads.
And more men are spared from that mental load of constantly prepping, constantly thinking about the worst case scenarios and trying to mitigate all the things that might happen and prep and plan and be ready for all of those potential outcomes, you know, and all the list making and checking off the lists and getting all the things that you need.
I mean, it's a lot of mental just weight to carry.And I think this is where I was.Honestly, just the weeks leading up to this, there's more things happening in our lives right now than just this Halloween party.
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That's Ritual.com slash YogaGirl for 25% off. We have a lot of things going on.We started there on daycare, I told you a couple weeks ago.I haven't given an update on that, but it's been really hard.
It started off amazing, and then it's been really hard.And then I'm planning this big retreat experience, which has also been just a lot of work and a lot of mental preparation and a lot of expectation around what's coming, in a sense.
And then the every day of kids and every day of work and every day of farm and every day of life.And I think just in the past few weeks, I have had kind of a heavy mental load.
And anyway, we kind of I'm telling this to kind of set the stage for what's coming.So we land and there's no car seat.Surprise, surprise.
And we go and he goes like, OK, well, we can always call the cab company at the airport and just request a car seat.There is no car seat. There's not a single car seat in the whole country of Portugal.
And now even a car service, like normally you can order a car service and get a car seat that way, or rent a car and rent a car seat.
But because it's a really busy day and rentals are all out for this day, because we didn't need a rental car for the first day, we needed one like three or four days in.
So, we just frazzled trying to figure out every single option from car service, to speaking to the airport, to rental car, to Uber, to Bolt, to taxis.We stopped like, I don't know, a hundred cars. at the airport, because it's the airport.
You know, you would think eventually you are going to end up with a car, with a car seat.There is no car seat.And everyone says the same thing, you know, you should have booked a car service like days ago, then they could have prepared that.
But no, no, no.And then we got the response like from a lot of people, no, but people don't use car seats here like that.Like if you get to the airport with your kid, you just go to where you're going.
And then, you know, if you have a car at home, that car has car seat for your kid.But it's like, Car seats are optional, at least according to cab drivers.
So we're there, I don't know, two hours later, an hour and a half later or something, I'm just at the airport not being able to get to where we're going.My stress level is like peaking.I don't know, it's going way, way, way through the roof.
And we have no other option, like we just got to get in a car without a car seat. And some people might think that that's not the end of the world.And if we were in Aruba now, like, yeah, we're, we'll get to where we're going in 10 minutes maximum.
Or we're on the countryside somewhere where there's like, not a lot of cars.There's different scenarios where I could be more chill about not, you know, having exhausted every opportunity and possibility and we can't find a car seat.
We have to get to where we're going.What other option do we have?
We get in this car and I'm now like, okay, we have to go an hour on the highway in a new country and I'm going to take a wild guess and say that people don't drive in a more orderly, chill manner in Portugal than they do in Sweden.
As an example, we know like the countries that are also more vibrant and warm and loud in their culture, people also drive really crazy.Like we know that these things go hand in hand.
And I had to Google and go down like little rabbit holes of the internet and forums and like if you have to drive with a car and a car seat, like without a car seat, you have to.What's the least unsafe way?
And as I'm Googling this, I get all the stats of like, yeah, if you have an accident, you happen to have an accident and the kid is not in a car seat, they have a 70% higher chance of dying than they do if they're in a car seat.
Like car seats, they are the game changer, whether a child lives or dies.That's just what it is.And of course, the more I'm Googling this, as we are in the car at night on this insane highway where people are driving 150 kilometers per hour,
I end up in a panic attack, like holding bare, like full, not a panic attack to like, I'm losing it.Like I don't think Lea knew how much anxiety I was in other than like, mama, are you okay?Are you stressed?
I'm like, yes, mama's very stressed right now.This is very hard for me.Like I got, I could communicate that to her. But I'm sitting with Bear behind the driver's seat because that's supposed to be the safest place.
You can't strap a baby into your lap because then if you have an accident, the car seat or the seatbelt will crush them between you and the seatbelt.
So, what you're supposed to do is you're supposed to strap yourself in and then hold the baby down and your arms are the seatbelt, which of course in an actual accident doesn't do shit.
And I'm there and I'm holding him and of course he is a year and a half.He doesn't want to be held down.He's never been in a car without a car seat in his life.
He's just like trying to stand up trying to climb to the back like again, we're back at the like airplane vibe, you know me having to restrain him and hold him down and it's an hour drive and He's wailing and at this point I'm crying and I just I see it in front of my eyes I just see it like this is this is when we have an accident like this is it and
Like it's just, it's going to be now and it's going to be because of something we could have prevented, right?It's, we should not have been, we shouldn't have gone in this car.
We should have like spent the night at an airport hotel and rented a car for tomorrow and like, yeah, lose 24 hours of vacation at an airport hotel.Who cares?
Like I'm thinking about future me after I lose my baby and all the things we could have done differently. It's hard for me to tell this and not cry because I really went deep in that dark, dark, dark place of like, he's gonna die here, you know.
And yeah, in the middle of the highway, I'm like, we have to pull over, like we have to stop.And now we're, we've been on the highway for, I don't know, 15 minutes maybe, we're 40, 45 minutes out.The easy path is just stay in the freaking car.
get to where we're supposed to go, and we're going to be fine.The likelihood of us having an accident is really low, it's not that long of a drive, just get there.
That's what one side of my brain is saying, but the other side of my brain and my heart is like, no, we can't stay in this car, we have to get out of this car now.This is not safe, we have to get out.
And I think if I wasn't already so frazzled from just the day being what the day was, and also feeling alone and feeling like, you know, I didn't have the support that I really wanted and needed from Dennis, I could have probably been more chill and just taken some deep breaths and like, yeah, we would have gone to the hotel, but I could not.
Like I was just losing it and I'm sitting there crying and Dennis is like, okay, we're going to pull over.So we pull over. at the closest place we could pull over, which happens to be an Ikea.I can laugh at this now.It was not funny.Okay.
It was really not funny.Like I am bawling my eyes out and I'm kind of like,
I'm not, yeah, I'm crying and I'm very ungrounded in my experience of feeling completely unsafe and having just envisioned every scenario, yeah, where my one or both of my children dies in this accident that essentially like we caused by being irresponsible parents, i.e.
in my head like Dennis caused because he didn't book the one thing he was supposed to book, like I'm feeling resentful, I'm feeling angry, I'm feeling scared, I'm feeling unsafe.
I'm also telling myself everything I'm feeling is stupid and dumb because can't I just chill?We are in this amazing space.Why can't I just be grateful that we're here?Like I'm just, I'm all the things, right?
So this guy, this poor driver, he's trying to explain, you're not going to find a car with a car seat.I can drive slower, but if I drop you here, you're going to be here.
If I drop you at the Ikea parking lot, you're going to be at the Ikea parking lot. You can't sleep in the IKEA parking lot outside of Lisbon.That doesn't work.And we just get out and start the process that we were doing at the airport over.
We're just like, okay, calling all the cab companies, calling the car service companies, calling the rental car companies, realizing probably our best bet is to go buy a car seat.So finding like kid stores, finding malls.
And this is after the world's longest, most taxing travel day. Really, it was a horrible, horrible travel day, truly the worst kind of travel day.We are so tired and so stressed out.
We could have just been at our hotel now, you know, having a glass of wine, eating pasta with our kids or whatever we're eating.No, no, you know, that's not.
We're standing on a highway on an IKEA parking lot with no place to go, like literally with all of our luggage and bear is just like descending into overtiredness and, you know.
So I don't know how much time we spent there, maybe an hour, and of course we got nowhere.There's no other possibilities.And I realized like getting out of that car, that was dumb, should have stayed in that car.
We would have been at the hotel by now.We wouldn't have crashed.We would have been fine.
Yeah and I just sort of give up and I sit down on the curb and I'm the one who's always like fixing things, pursuing things, problem-solving things, researching things.
I just sit down on the curb I'm like yeah you're you're gonna have to do this on your own because I can't. So whatever decision that you want to make, you're going to make that and I will just go along.And I had a little part of me like just give up.
And he goes, okay, I'm going to get an Uber.It's going to be a regular Uber.They're not going to have a car seat.I'm going to hold bear in the back and you sit in the front and we're just going to get to the hotel.And I'm like, okay.
And we get in the car, and this guy, this Uber driver comes, and he can tell I've been crying, and he's like, car seat, you need car seat.I have car seat, I have car seat.And he's so, and I'm like, what?You have car seat?I have car seat.
And it's a booster, you know, it's like for older kids, booster seat.But it's a car seat for Leia, like that's wonderful, like thank you, thank you so much, that is amazing.Leia, here's a booster for you, like she was sitting on a, on a bag.
She gets a booster seat.Then it sits in the back with Bear and I'm in the front just kind of quietly crying. and we get to where we're going and everything's fine.We didn't crash.Obviously, I'm telling you this story.Nobody died.
I'm not planning a funeral for any of my kids, like everybody's fine.But I entered a really dark place in my mind, like throughout, I don't know, throughout that first drive.
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We got to the hotel, we did have that glass of wine and it's so beautiful and we made it and everything is wonderful and the kids ate and we go to bed and I wake up the next day and I still felt like I was in that same place.
Like I just felt still overwhelmed with anxiety, with these really dark thoughts, with these, yeah, this like catastrophic thinking, which is not, I know I have that side of me.It's been a long time since I had to manage it in a way.
Like I have had that, especially when Leia was little, I had that hypervigilance, worst case scenario, like I feel like she's gonna die.How would it happen?Hovering over the crib, thinking about every possible scenario where she might die.
And I haven't had that with Bear.I've had like moments of it, of course, and I've had, you know, that like heart outside of your body feeling. But we've been very cocooned on our very safe farm.I've been home with him the whole time.
I've been close to him the whole time.He hasn't been away from me.I have been much calmer throughout this postpartum and this like new season of new motherhood than I was with Leia.
And all of a sudden it was like that day or that drive or that, yeah, the combination of maybe just mega stress and hypervigilance and worry and fear and feeling unsafe.It just put me right back in that place.
So for the next like, I don't know, 48 hours, like the whole beginning, first three days of this trip, I couldn't shake this really terrible mental place where even though everything was fine, around every corner I see how something bad's gonna happen and they're not gonna be okay.
Even sharing that now, I just want to cry because I have that thought in the back of my head right now, where Dennis is out with Lea and Finn, just in this really peaceful Portuguese city by the sea.
And the last thing, when they left the apartment, I'm gonna record the podcast.Okay, Leia, stay with Papa.You stay with Papa all the time.Hold Papa's hand all the time.Don't run anywhere on your own.And please, please keep Finn in your arms.
Please don't go too close.Don't go into the ocean.And I hear myself rattling off this list of, don't do that, don't do that, don't do that. which is really unlike me.
Yeah, really, or at least it's a part of me that I have not had, it hasn't been active and alive in me for a long time.
And every, we had so many beautiful experiences on this trip so far, but like every time I had to let either Leia or Finn out of my sight for a second, I'm in that worst case scenario.Like what if Leia gets kidnapped?I've been thinking about that
I mean, I've been thinking about that more than I've thought about that in her whole entire life, I think.Yeah, she's, you know, super cute, blonde, seven-year-old, like, you know, little picture-perfect, social, curious, talks to everybody.
And I'm just thinking, like, how easy it would be for a predator to just, like, lay their eyes on her and decide that she's it. Like she's a really easy, perfect target for that.I've never had those kinds of thoughts ever.
I made Dennis go buy us air tags, like to put on the kids.Is that like, that's, I know in parts of the US or many parts of the US, that's totally, you have to have that thinking because yeah, kids disappear every day.
Where I'm from, where we live, that is not a normal thing.That is not a common thing to have that line of thinking at all. And I'm going, like, do we put the air tag in her shoe or do we put it in her pocket?Like, how does that work?
And, you know, she went biking and I'm thinking, like, she's a great, she's great at biking.She's been biking for years.And all of a sudden, I don't trust her to, like, keep her bike on the road.
And I hear myself, keep more to the right, stay closer to the sidewalk, there's a car coming, there's a... Like I am like trying to control every little scenario because in every scenario I can see the worst case.
And yeah, and same with Bear, like he has a little fall and my heart goes like, you know, like my heart jumps out of my mouth kind of feeling like this is when he breaks his neck, like this is when he...
Dennis and Leia went to the beach to put their feet in the water, and Bear and I stayed at a little cafe, just having a snack.
And I'm just thinking, like, yeah, the surf's really intense, like, what if he's a little careless and he, like, lets her go a little too far out, and, like, a riptide takes her, and I go through this, like, this whole storyline in my head, sitting in this cafe,
where he's gonna come up on his own like and she's not with him and this is the beginning of like the end of our lives.Yeah I mean I really hope I'm not triggering anyone just sharing these stories but I
Yeah, I for some reason feel like I lost my footing a bit.And all of a sudden everything feels really unsafe.And I don't know how to make the world feel safe again in this exact moment.
And it's, yeah, every day it's, I've of course realized like the moment I'm hit with these thoughts I shared with Dennis, like he really understands, he knows this side of me.
We had a big, really beautiful heart-to-heart where like we both repaired, he repaired, he, you know, fully owns that like,
the whole car situation should have been handled, that shouldn't have happened, you know, like I'll never let that slip again, you know, about sharing this burden, like I'm trying to explain.
It's not just the logistics of like when I pack, I'm a better packer, we both know that, like if I left the packing to him, it wouldn't be good enough, so I pack. And we're talking about that and he's trying to understand.
He says, you don't want me to pack because when I do it, I miss things, I forget things.So you're gonna redo it anyway.And I try to explain like, it's not so much just the specifics of the logistics, but it's sharing that mental burden.
It's getting that question like, hey, do we have everything we need for Portugal?Hey, can I do something for this trip?Hey, what do you need today?
And I'm like, something so simple, it's always stressful for me to travel with the kids for whatever reason.It's clearly triggering something in me that feels out of control, like the world is unsafe, like we are not okay.
It triggers something in me that's bigger than just parenting and schlepping kids across the world. And it's something old, and it's something, yeah, some kind of old trauma, old story, like, you know, awakens in me here.
And it would be really helpful if you could help anticipate that.And know, like, hey, if we get to the gate, like, on time, then I'm not going to be as stressed when we board.
Little things like that, that to him in the moment aren't a big deal, but for me, they add up and they become a huge deal.
And I think maybe this trip is the first time he's really understood that it's, yeah, it's about more around supporting that emotional state, right?Than it is like checking everything off the list perfectly.
Did we pack the wrong whatever shoes for bear?Like that's not the end of the world. What is the end of the world is me feeling alone with the packing, with the worrying, with the prepping, with the, do we have everything we need?
Are we going to be okay?You know, and it just, for me, it's not an acceptable place to be ending up in a new country, having to drive 140 kilometers on a highway with our kids without car seats.Like that is not, that is not okay for me.
And I don't feel okay. And it's going to take me more than a few days to kind of ground again once I end up in that feeling of not feeling safe, losing my ground.So, yeah, we are.I don't know.
And it's it's I'm really curious now about whenever a big trigger of whatever comes up for me, when I have a big response to something that maybe isn't something everybody else has a big response around.
And I feel like this specific situation, I'm sure there's a lot of moms would not have been super chill and felt like that's really fun and exciting, or even just like neutral to just, yeah, we don't have a car seat, fuck it, let's go.
I know if I was in a better state of mind, I would have been more easygoing and just said, fuck it, let's go, we figure it out.And now for me, this wasn't that.And there's something there around
I'm wondering, has this postpartum time with Bear, has this year and a half with Bear been this much easier and this much calmer because I've orchestrated a life around my anxiety that soothes it?
Or is it because I've actually healed that part of me that makes me this anxious?I don't know. Like, is the anxiety the same and the fear of death, the fear of, you know, when is the other shoe going to drop?
When is something bad eventually going to happen?That feeling that I've had my whole life that I really thought I was over.I thought I healed that part of myself that I trust now, you know.But is it true?
Like, do I trust or have I just meticulously curated a life where I don't have to worry about anything?
because of course that's beautiful and it's beautiful to have that kind of life, but it also gives this false sense of, yeah, this false sense of having processed and completed something, this false sense of healing, yeah, this false sense of I'm over that, because then I'm faced with something, you know, even kind of minor.
I don't think this whole thing was minor, but it wasn't a real life or death situation, like it wasn't. It wasn't nobody's life was like under threat in that sense that it felt to me like I was under threat like my children are under threat.
It wasn't that, but that's how I perceived the situation and it really feels like it's triggering something really old.
And I want to continue to be curious around that because I don't, of course, I'm, I'm happy I have that structured and safe life, but I also want to be resilient enough that I can actually manage these situations better.
And I don't, I want to say like, I don't want to fall apart, but also sometimes we do fall apart.
sometimes we do fall apart and maybe it should be less around like how do I make sure I never fall apart ever and more around how can I be supported so it's okay that I fall apart.
I was talking to my best friend the next day after I had a night's sleep and I ate and I put my feet in the water and I took a good shower and it's like now we're in this amazing place and I still felt that anxiety.
And I was like, I don't know what's wrong.Something's wrong with me.It's like a new day.Everything is fine.Why do I still feel this way?And she goes like, why are you so hard on yourself?Like, do you hear yourself talking?
You were in a major panic attack. in this big dark place and then you think just one night of like six hours of sleep and you should be just dandy the next day.Like can you give yourself some grace to be small?
Can you give yourself some grace to be sad, to be little, to be scared?
Like can you stay in this little place and just let yourself be the way you are and let yourself be held by Dennis and just ride the wave of whatever is wanting to come through right now? And I felt that so deeply.I really did.
If this was a friend of mine or a loved one, I would just, you know, I would respond so differently to them versus how I respond to myself.For me, it's like, oh, you had a, yeah.
six hour night's sleep, you should be good to go, go back to normal, be great.
You know, when actually I opened up a really dark place inside of myself and there's really obviously something there wanting to be felt and processed and maybe let out and through and maybe from there some kind of healing will come.
But it's not going to happen if I just push myself to just go back to normal and pretend like nothing's happened. You know, hashtag gratitude and love and light and here we go.So, where am I now?
I am balancing these very different experiences that I'm having at the same time. And trying to give myself grace and that mentally I'm in a bad place this week.Mentally I'm in a bad place.Maybe it's gonna last longer than that.
Maybe it comes from something that's really deep and it's here to stay for a while.I don't know. But no, I'm not in a great mental space, and I also happen to find myself in, like, the world's most magical country at the same time.
And maybe it's not weird that it's coming out when we are on vacation.I was just telling Dennis how even though we have this beautiful life, you know, with this beautiful farm, and we're in nature all the time, and we're with the kids all the time,
It's so rare for the four of us to just be together with no agenda, with no doing, with no work, nothing that needs to be cleaned up or fixed or the logistics of day to day.
And it's just so much to juggle in our daily family life and to just like spread out a blanket in the sand and just lie there.
And let Bear do his thing, and Leia do his thing, and just snuggle, and like, there's no place to go, we don't have to get to the next thing, we don't have to clean the kitchen, we don't have to get that person to this thing, we don't have to go to that deadline.
Whatever is happening in that moment, like, there's no musts.And it's been so precious to just have that space, just the four of us, with no one else. And so far, I mean, our highlight of this trip, 1,000%, and this was like, what, day two, I think.
We were in the middle of dinner, and then Leia comes running, because Leia is like, everywhere we go, she's the resident know-it-all and know-everyone.She talks to everyone, so everyone who walks into this hotel, she gets to know them, every kid.
You know, she's the kind of person who will walk up to just a random kid she's never seen in her life, sitting at dinner, Hi, I'm Leia.What's your name?Do you want to play?And take them by the hand and go.
Parents walk up to us all the time like, Oh my God, like, so amazing.Look at them playing.And a lot of kids her age have smartphones and stuff now.So I think they're even less inclined to like be out and like dragging kids along for games and stuff.
And she's just such a, yeah, she's just such a, Creative mind, yeah, she's really good at starting the fun.But she comes running, she was just off playing somewhere, she comes running, mama, papa, there is a fire circle with music and drumming!
Screaming in the whole restaurant.And we're like, no way, oh my god, okay.And we're in the middle of dinner and I had to ask the waiter, I'm like, excuse me, is it okay if we put our whole dinner on pause and we go explore this thing?
And he goes, of course, of course, of course.You know, we hadn't had our mains yet.Just leave everything and go enjoy.It's amazing.
So we just went over there and it's just filled with people just sitting around a fire, all with instruments and this beautiful Portuguese man and a woman leading this essentially a drum circle with singing and music. It was, Bear loves music.
He's such a musical little boy.Both of our kids really are in that, yeah, they're super musical children.Maybe all children just are inherently that.
But he was just, for a whole hour, he was just mesmerized, playing and singing and dancing and not being crazy and not trying to walk into the fire.And, you know, we really could sit there and just enjoy this music and sing and dance.
And in the middle of it, like I was just like leaning back into Dennis's arms, just feeling like I took a big breath for the first time in a few days.
Like a part of my soul just landed in my body with this fire and with the singing and with that moment, like, oh, like we are like, I'm safe, like we are safe.There's a part of me that maybe it's always going to feel unsafe for whatever reason.And I,
it's always maybe going to be there but like this deep knowing of just right now we're okay like we are good how beautiful is this and i lean back in his arms and the singer guy he goes okay now we're gonna venture over to canada for our next song and it's a beautiful song in celebration of the moon and as he says that i'm like i know what song he's gonna play
And Dennis doesn't.I know he doesn't know what's coming and I know what's coming.And I turned to him and it's our wedding song.It's Neil Young, Harvest Moon.And yeah.
And then we both just cried and we just stood there dancing and swaying with our kids running at our feet.You know, it was just, We could have boarded a plane the next day and the trip would have been worth it just for that moment.
It was really so, so, so precious.I love them all so much.
And this is part of the problem, you know, when you love your family so much, it's like how, how, how do you continue living your life when there's so many things you don't know and they're just out there in the world?
sometimes the world just feels like an overwhelming place but it's also overwhelmingly warm and overwhelmingly beautiful and it has pastel de nata which is this incredible dessert that we get to eat every day that's like a little i don't know how to explain it it's like a little thing of gold that you put in your mouth and enjoy there's so much beauty and um
Yeah, I guess I'm just really feeling it all.So thank you for holding space for me to share this story.
There's always a little part in the back of my mind saying I definitely shouldn't be sharing, yeah, any challenges or difficulties or vulnerabilities when I am having a really beautiful experience, that it feels somehow conceited or arrogant or, you know, who am I to complain about everything when I have such a good life?
And it takes just consistent reminders that processing and sharing out loud is what I'm here to do and storytelling is what I'm here to do.
And if I made one of you feel less alone in your fear and your worry and your anxiety and all the things that we all experience, all of us, then sharing this was definitely worth it.So thank you for listening.I'll be back next week.
Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode.If you enjoy the show, make sure you listen, rate, review, and follow all episodes of From the Heart with Rachel Braithen.
This was a presentation of Cadence 13 Studio, and I'll see you next week.
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