Dungeons & Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.Content warnings can be found in the episode description.
Here it is!Trudy's Dreamhouse!A wonderful new home for Tucker's beautiful new wife, Trudy!It's completely furnished with Trudy's own sewing machine, cuckoo clock, baby blanket, and go-bag.
And look, a roomy closet to put away all of Trudy's stuffy old dreams and desires.
You'll have fun cooking the food, cleaning the floor, folding the laundry, washing the dishes, changing the diapers, and of course, nursing the baby, a lady's privilege. Trudy's Dreamhouse is truly a wish come Trudy.
And look, the whole house and everything in it folds up into the prettiest little cage to keep Trudy safe and sound.Tucker will appreciate that.Just try running away from Trudy's Dreamhouse.Go ahead and try.
Abandon our newborn son and the only man who will ever love him.You'll never make it past the white picket fence.
Because wherever you run, I'll be there too.And I'll drag us back here by the fucking hair if I have to.
Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.
It's a Peachy podcast.This season, the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four, now four, everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness.You haven't joined us.Well, I'm in the mix.No, you're not.
He's in the mix.I'm in the mix.I'm in the mix.So says the DM, so say we are.He's in the mix.The kid stays in the picture.Four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. I'm Freddie Wong.I play deep thinking plumber.
This week's Blake fact, as he wrestles with a pterodactyl.Like, what the fuck, Will?People are thinking that we're being sent back in time, maybe?
We'll see what else is going on.But this week's Blake fact.Blake, as a plumber, has a favorite plumbing implement.The pee trap.The pee trap?But here's the crazy thing.It doesn't trap pee.What does it do?
It prevents the gases from the sewer line from getting into your home. Okay, okay, that's it.That's a real fact.There's a real fact.I love so the character We needed to know the most about you gave us that cool.
I Love the p-trap it's quite very smart.
We haven't met him yet.It's okay.Yeah.Yeah learning Hey everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold, I play Kelsey Grammer, Peachyville's happiest and snappiest school marm.
And you know what she always says, whether or not a glass is half full or empty depends on whether you plan on filling it up or drinking it.
What the fuck does that mean?
You know what it means.No, I don't.Just think about it.
And a little fact about Kelsey is that her favorite food, and this is the thing that she gets in trouble with, this is the only time she's ever been in trouble at school, is she cannot resist a fucking perfect PB&J.
Which means, and like so many kids have little PB&Js just sitting on their desks, like half eaten, and it's like, well, why put it to waste?She knows that kid's gonna throw it away.
She knows how gross kids are.
She's George Costanzi-ing half-eaten PB&Js?
Sorry, I defend Kelsey for this.I think that's a totally acceptable thing to do.
Look, she's working hard.She gets hungry.Those kids ain't going to finish that sandwich.And maybe once or twice, maybe she ate it before the kid was done.We don't know.
But she can't resist a PB&J, so don't put one in front of her if you need her to do anything.
I'm Anthony Burch.I play Francis Farnsworth, a kid with a gun.And the Francis fact today is that- He's more than that, Anthony. Is he?Yeah, he is.He's also anxious, self-hating, addicted to masturbating, has a weird vibe.I love that, Beth.Love it.
What did Beth say?I said the character. Today's peachy fact for Francis is that he was planning on cutting out a picture of Carly from his yearbook and affixing it to the butt of his rifle, like, this is what I'm fighting for.
But then, like, he sort of saw Shane again and remembered, like, wait, maybe it doesn't say good things about Carly that she loves Shane so much.So instead, he is now just carving tally marks into the butt of his rifle.
He has one that's, like, scratched out because he thought it was going to be Tucker, but it turns out he's a robot and that doesn't count.So he just scratched that one out.
He preemptively marked it no we're saying you scratch it out like he shot Tucker and then as he was scratching I Didn't mention it at the time, but he turned it immediately And then saw that it was oil is a goddammit, and they had to scratch it all out Wow Confirm your kills yeah, my name is Beth May and I played Trudy trout a robot doting wife homemaker and mother of one beautiful child
Fun fact about Trudy Wow, we're really We're really sloughing towards entropy with these Trudy only goes to the bathroom at home because that's her IP address
I love a good pun.And that was a fucking great one.You know, it's good because all of us are grading it and discussing and talking about most important thing is that we're all judging.
I'm Will Campos, I'm your daddy, oh master, and your spooky daddy fact for this week.One, I found my cheat sheet again, so I'm fuckin' back.I'm back in the zone.People keep saying he's not back, I'm thinking he's back.
The Tyrannosaurus Rex did not have vision based on movement.
So they- That's a common thing now.Is that?
It was in the movie Jurassic Park and it's wrong.And if, I don't know, someone were to find themselves being chased by a Tyrannosaurus Rex this episode, let's just say- I'm still gonna be like, Ian, freeze.
They would not want to freeze like Ian Malcolm.And I think we all remember how that worked out for Ian Malcolm.
Although he ran, he got a sexy broken leg and then his shirt was open.It worked out really well for him and us.
And he got the sequels and the other ones didn't.Yeah, that's the theory.
Oh, also quick bonus peachy fact for me this week.I am going to be guest starring in season two of Real Housewives of Dungeons and Dragons.This is one of the best fucking actual play podcasts in the game.The cast is hilarious.The plot is insane.
Season two just started up yesterday, so it's a great jumping on point. Uh, my first episode comes out on December 2nd, right after Thanksgiving.We had so much fun recording it.It's like a whole Indiana Jones type thing.
I cannot wait for you all to hear it.So yeah, go check him out.Real Housewives of Dungeons and Dragons.Okay, you guys wanna fuckin' d- wanna- what do you wanna fuckin' do?I wanna play!Play the game!
Let's do it!I wanna fight Cthulhu!
We open on a dense canopy jungle.Boo, this is gonna be phrasing?Okay, alright.I'm gonna go back to eating my lunch.Thick mist hanging in the air.We hear like those little birds going, ooh, ooh, ah, ah, ah, ah, like some tropical-ass birds.
He's getting toward the tiki room.We pan down. And I hate it when people say we pan down in an audio thing.You're not panning down.The trees- Yeah, you tilt.You tilt down.No, but you just describe what's happening.It's audio.
You just say the trees are blank.The trees rustle.
And a big crate comes out, right?
Wait, where am I looking, though?Am I looking down?Am I panning down when I'm seeing these trees, though?
I'm sorry, Will.I just- I love Jurassic Park so much.
The trees rustle and a man emerges from this thick, dense canopy into a clearing.He has a beard now and a pterodactyl skull for like a helmet.And he's got fucking tattered clothes.And it's Blake Lively, the plumber.
And Freddy, I have a question for Blake Lively.He's been in here for weeks now.
Okay.Weeks.He's been wandering this strange new world.I love the idea of aging this character we haven't met yet. Has Marbles the cat survived?Has he taken good care of Marbles the cat?
Marbles is in the skull and like riding around like a ratatouille.So Marbles the kitty cat is ratatouille-ing in the skull.I love that.That's very cute.And Blake is like, we just need to find more bones to make jungle toilet.
Too many weeks, Marbles.We are shitting in ponds, water, holes.
Why is he shitting in ponds?Nobody shits in a pond.Yeah, you shit in a stream!He's like, this is where I drink my water.You just shit in a tree.Why is he shitting in the water supply everywhere?
No, you dig a cow. Marbles as you know I have the shitting pond and the drinking pond very important not to mess those two up yes
If you have the wealth of many ponds, wouldn't you be able to drink out of all of them?
I'm just asking you to think about the logistics, because like a pond is like, it's ground and then water.And it's a lot of water.It's a significant amount of water.
That's why I'm building a dock out to the middle of the shitting pond.
And then if you were to miscalculate, trip backwards, get startled by any wild animal, you would be falling into the pond of shit.
At first I was doing this, but I was using vines to hold myself up.
The purpose of water for toilets is to- is a movement device to move the poop somewhere else.There's no reason to poop into water.That's like, no animal's like, I'm pooping in water.You just poop on the ground.Why is he making a pond to poop in?
Are you like a cat and you feel like you have to hide your droppings to avoid predators?Alright, alright, I'm sorry.Yeah, yeah, hey, yeah.I'm dropping, I'm dropping.Here's what I'm doing.It's your character, I'm sorry.Blake is building a dock.
out into the middle of his poop pond so that he can deposit his poops into the middle of the pond.
Good.I'm glad they're there.
As you are building, we'll say that you drop your bundle of bones that you're building with your poop deck with, so to speak.Yes, the poop deck.As you do that, you hear a noise off in the distance.You hear the sound of a motorcycle engine rumbling.
So my guy is like a handyman.So I wonder if I can get any more information off of that motorcycle.Sure, give me a roll.Everyone did level up, right?Yes, I did.I gave everyone a homework.They were all supposed to level up twice.
So if their skills are shit, blame them, not me.Yep, I failed one level up.
I got another one.I got a little bit more spy hidden, baby.The spy hidden train is going.
You know you can treat yourself to many skills, right?
You didn't have to just pick one.I did multiple skills.You got multiple?I was very clear about this.Yeah, I leveled up like three skills.
Great, you only had two levels up.
No, you get two per whatever.
You get to level up twice per skill that you have used.
Can I choose to- Do you want to just all in on spot hidden?
Thank you.That's what I was asking.That's really funny.
Unless you can explain to me how using those other skills led to you being better at spotting hidden things.
When I was being stealthy, I was spotting hidden things.You knew what it was like to be hidden because you were hiding.
It's fine.I'll upgrade other stuff.I just only care about spotting hidden.
Freddy, what are we rolling?What are we doing?I'll just roll listen. Okay.Do you want, like, advantages?You know what cars are or whatever?I rolled an 89.What is that strange sound of beast?Okay, what would you like to do?
You hear it rumbling off in the distance.Height, obviously.Height.I want to get height.
This fucking game.Fred, there's a motorcycle sound.Hmm.I want to roll listen.
Losing my mind.I wanna get some height.
I wanna pull up onto a tree.Great, I love that.
You scurry up a tree and- Like the high hide in Lost World.
There you go, like the high hide in- For all my Lost World heads. And you see, down in the clearing beneath you, in this mysterious tropical world you find yourself in, you see a man on a motorcycle, kind of idling to a stop.
I ready my battle coconut.Your battle coconut, okay, great.Are there coconuts in the jungle?It's only tropical.They have some mysterious fruit you've never seen before.And you call it a coconut.
I call it a coconut, because I've never seen a coconut before either.Why would you call it a coconut if you've never seen one before? That's what I figured.I heard.Oh, here's what you heard of coconuts, but I've never seen a picture of a coconut.
And this looks like a coconut.OK, great.So you ready your coconuts.And this man down in the clearing beneath you, he starts digging a hole in the ground.He's wearing a lab coat.He's got dark black hair.Do you have you met Tucker before?
I might recognize him as someone who was in Peachyville, maybe, but not necessarily like exactly who it is, because I've done work on basically everyone.
Tucker does his own plumbing.He can't risk anybody seeing his shit.
He just gets a new toilet every time I use it.Every time I do a number two, he gets a new toilet.
That's real rich.That's more than boat rich.Toilet rich.Socks rich where you just get a new pair of socks every day.
The real rich is a new toilet every day.He's digging this hole.You recognize him as someone you've seen around Peegeeville.He's a little far away.And then he pulls out what looks like a time capsule from a satchel on his bag.
Sorry, what looks like a time capsule?
What does a time capsule look like?It's metal too! you know.Oh, a time cap.Sorry.In my head, when you said the phrase time capsule, I didn't think of the things that was like a futuristic.
Yeah, I was like, I was like, how do I know what a time capsule is?
If anything, you'd probably be more inclined to know what a time capsule is back in the 50s because they used to actually use them all the time.Yeah.
Yeah, it makes you think fucking idiot bozo.No, I'm not going to be mean to Freddie.Everyone else being mean to Freddie.You watch as the man below you takes a green key off of a necklace and puts it in this time capsule and buries it in the ground.
Then he gets on his motorcycle and drives off back into the distance. Okay, so Blake is gonna make note of that, and he's gonna see the tire tracks that left.Quick investigation of the tire tracks.
Is this the first time that Tucker's come out into this clearing and buried something here, or is this, you know what I'm saying?I won't answer that question specifically, but this is the first motorcycle tracks you've seen.Okay, interesting.
That's where Tucker carries it.He disappears into another grove of tropical trees.So just in case I want to string some vines across a blind spot.You wanna string some vines, baby? where the motorcycle tracks are, so if Tucker ever comes back.
You can clothesline him, yes.He will be decapitated.Okay, is that what you'd like to do right now?I'm doing that right now, yeah.I love that his best arch enemy gets killed off screen by a character we don't know.
Due to his professional survival instincts.
Dude, did you hear what they found in the jungle?
You follow the tracks back whence they came towards the entrance of the grove.As you're tying this taut vine, you hear massive, thunderous footfalls stomping towards you, trees shaking.
If you were to look back at your poop pool, the water would be vibrating as if one was plucking a guitar string underneath it.
A shadow falls over you, and you hear a ginormous, thunderous, ball-shaking roar as a horrible, terrible lizard stares down at you and screams, a mighty scream, its jaws shrieking, its teeth glistening.What do you do?
I'm gonna try and trip it up by running underneath it.You run away underneath it under its legs.
Okay read the needle Give me an acrobatics or give me a dexterity roll if you can come up with anything dexterity roll now I happen to have quite a bit of dexterity I've thought about the deficiencies of my character and the ups and downs of the system and I roll a 37 and
On a 75, which is a super success!Describe to me the way you nimbly weave your pass.I go, UGH!And I tuck in real tight like a football guy.And I just sprint straight through.
Blindly, but pure luck has made it so that I weave through the feet effortlessly and dodge the tail.
But now, now that T-Rex has no idea where I am.Cause it looked underneath, and as it looked underneath, the guy had his head stuck underneath his legs.
Well, we're not going to go that far, but you get a head start on running away from it.
Enraged as its quarry slips away from it, it turns around and spots you slinking and speeding through the woods, and it gives chase through the jungle, engaging you in a terrifying, deadly race for your very life.
You tear through the trees, limb from limb.You're not limb from limb.You tear through the trees.
Well, you would be, though.It's trees.
Limb from limb, the limbs are tearing off the trees, vines are whipping you in the face, you get one of those cool little like, do you remember in Princess Mononoke when he gets that cool scar?Fuck yeah, I think about that scar all the time.
You get like a couple of those.Marbles the cat has fully sunk his claws.That would suck to get a facial scar, but it sucked.
You know what I mean?It's like, oh man.
It's just like off center and off to the side.It's like Kylo Ren in Force Awakens where it's like a nose thing.You run and you run and you find yourself bursting through the other side of this forest as this T-Rex gives hot pursuit.
You see a wide open plane in front of you.The sky meets the horizon in this line that seems ever distant and then wham!You collide straight into a wall.
and you realize that the horizon is false and you're at the edge of some stone wall as if you're in some kind of hollow earth situation.And with that, we cut to, and I think we do still cut to in an audio environment.
It's not a thing where it's like, we don't pan.You could also just say elsewhere.Elsewhere.Oh, I like that.Thanks, Anthony.Elsewhere.Suddenly elsewhere.Suddenly elsewhere.
Yeah, but without the word cut, I just assume that we're like flying there, we're following a moth or something.
Matt's entire brain is just moths flying around the place.Matt is so moth filled, dude.An elevator door opens and our three amigos, what remains of the guttural screams, find themselves in a strange new environment that doesn't look that strange.
It's like a big fucking room, like it's got big government facility vibes.
How big would you say it is in respect to like the one circus of a three ring circus?
You're in a room that's about one and a half times the size of one ring in a three ring circus.It's a sterile environment, white walls, two hallways peeling off in a long arc on either side of you and in front of you, a big,
like a big bank vault type door.It's like a video game hallways, guys.It's like some Resident Evil-ass science corridors.Andy, make sure to go down one hallway.
If it looks like it's going for a while, turn around, go to the other hallway, because that's the hallway that's the main line.
When we last left you, you had a harrowing encounter with the brain of the original Trudy Trout, and then managed to deduce the super secret keypad code of Tucker Trout's elevator down to the actual Project Heartland research facility.
Because we're trying to get his key. Yes, because we tried to get the green key.We need the green key.It was green?He let it slip.He let it slip.He never said the key was green before, but now we know where it is.It's in the past.I can't find it.
I'm colorblind.It's in the past.I want to go to the past.Kelsey's like, I want to go to the past.
Kelsey doesn't know where the key is!Kelsey didn't see any of that, only the audience did.
He's bending it!He's bending it!Oh, interesting, interesting, interesting.
Zuzel says to you, I will tell you what I know for a price. I'll give you as many PB&Js as you want.
Well, Trudy, did you that painting?Did a voice talk to you?Oh, yeah.
I said no to what?What did you say?Yes.You said yes.
Well, it's a nice painting.
Oh, my God.Oh, my God.Miss Grammar.Tell them you said no.
And I shall give you more power.
Oh, I actually, funny story.I know I just said that I said, uh, yes.
Did he just tell you to lie to us?
But I actually, no, I would never do that.I said, I would never do that.
Okay, bye, he's whipped up.
And I'm nodding.It's like, it's telling me, no, I mean, I did, I said no to it.And then you see like a tear forming down her eye as she's nodding.I said no and everything's fine.And clearly I did what we all would have done.
And I didn't make a mistake.
I have to say that when people from now on will tell me that everything is fine, I'm inclined to not believe that.Same.I just can't trust adults.
No, I think those are both good instincts.I don't think everything's going to be fine.I just think we need to find the green key and Zuzo's our lord and we'll figure out a way.
I mean, on the upside, you've gotten promoted to being in front of us all the time. No, that's good.
Very well, stand in front of them.Lead them to their doom, Kelsey.
Guys, I need to talk to you now.
Tell them nothing unless you wish to suffer torment.
Let's go forward.Okay.And look for a green key.Otherwise, nothing.
Oh my god!As you step forward, you hear the voice of Tucker Trout barking at you over a loud scream.Hey!What the heck do you think you're doing?
Oh, we know this trick.We can't talk back to it.
Don't you know that the research department is closed on Sundays?This is director Tucker Trout reminding you that Sunday is the Lord's Day, even at Project Heartland.
So turn back immediately, head to your home and spend the day with your family, silly.Oh, no, he's a Christian.I can't kill another Christian.Or face disciplinary action.Message repeats.Hey, what the heck?And so on.
All right.Well, here's the thing. He was never home on Sundays either.
I think he was here.Oh, he's not a practicing man, fuck it.No, I think he was, he probably worked here.He probably, because it's his rules, so he could work here on Sundays.
He can work here on Sundays.
Do you go into his basement and just knock him out?
Well, we got a demon who can fuck stuff up now, so that's, I guess, one point in my favor.What, who?Sucell.Don't lie to me again, Kelsey.Okay.Yeah.
I can't take it.Okay, I'm not going to lie.You only want to trust I was cheating.I didn't think it was a big deal until I found out you two said no. Because they're lying to you.
Yeah.No.Can I roll to like, I have to do Zell shut up for a second.
You may roll.What do I roll?Give me a willpower roll.Willpower, okay.And I'll have Zuzel do the same.A 13.Zuzel got an 11.Oof, that sucks.And he's got probably more willpower than you.So I guess Zuzel won't shut up.Nice try.
It's okay.You wish to quiet Zuzel in your mind, but Zuzel is here with you.I'm a little worried.
You and I, our fates are intertwined.
No, I get it, Kelsey.I mean, we hear Tucker repeating, and that's annoying.It's hard to think.And you must hear a voice like that repeating, and it's hard to think.And it's just a lot of voices, and my voice repeating, and it's hard to think.
And so I understand that it's difficult.
No, it's just really it's all this is really confusing and I want we we need a we need to save the town and look there's things that aren't in books I know cuz I've been writing a book forever and I just thought I don't know who's who's all is or anything and I just thought it was like you don't say no to a teacher like I just asked you that was a teacher so like it would teach me thing I will teach you so but now I'm worried I'm worried I messed up
Look, if there's anything I've learned in the past couple of days, it's that thinking too hard never actually leads to anything good.
So let's just focus on the green key and keep moving forward and not think about any subtleties or any moral dilemmas or anything.We'll just go and it'll be fine and we'll all be good people.
OK, let's put a pin in what you said, but I agree with you for right now.
And I just need both of you, just the next thing I say, always hold on to, OK? Everything I say about Zuzo is a lie.
Give me a, Zuzo roars in your brain.Give me a. That's great.I'll let you choose if you want to take a D8 of sanity loss, or if you want to take a D8 of health.Sanity feels more.Okay, so we're going to say this is from.I only have 40 sanity.
This is not a sanity roll.Yeah.This is your max sanity is going to go down.Yeah, my max sanity is.Or you can take physical damage.
No, I'll take this handy.I only have 35, so now I'm gonna do D8.Damn, so 31.
Okay, so yes, your brain... Ow!...racks with agony.You have a splitting headache as you feel the pain of resisting the will of Zuzel in your mind.
Zuzel's fine.It wasn't a big deal.You guys should have said yes.Let's keep going.
Kelsey, just because somebody is like, you know, thinks that they're the boss, it doesn't mean that they're gotta be the boss of you, is what I've learned, I think.
Sometimes somebody is the boss of you, because I have a principal, and I have Zuzel now.And Zuzel's great.Remember what I said the first time, Zuzel's great.Let's just keep moving forward.
That makes Zuzel's not great.
What do you guys wanna do?Which door should we go in?I wanna check out that door.Okay, so as you approach the door, it's a big vault door, like a bank vault door, you see a warning written on it.
It says, all chamber doors must be shut before stasis field can activate.Give me a no roll, everybody.I failed.I failed.
Y'all failed your edgy roll?
What's a door?What's a stasis field?I still can't read, I don't think.
I'm going to try to open the door.Okay, great.I love that.As you go to open the door, you, in fact, hear a thud on the other side of the door.You hear like a wham, as if someone has run into a wall near you.And now our two scenes are merged.
He did it.Somehow he did it. Our split screen comes into one view Blake you are on the other side of this wall legs in my hair On your trail the four of you hear a thud on the wall you've just clonked into a wall We should blast this wall
Was that thud?Is that the way the door works?Was that like a thud, like a lock?Try again, try to open it again.I keep trying to open the door.Oh, okay.You open the door.From your side.
What was that thud?Why was the door so big if you could open it that easily?It's not locked.
Is there a way for Freddy to open it on the other side?No, it was just a wall.Yeah, he sees nothing.So guys, we do have the opportunity to do the funniest thing.
You know what, I think we should maybe check out the other hallways first, because it says you have to close the other doors first.
Seems like whatever is in here might be, like, really dangerous, and we want to prepare by going through the other hallways.
I kind of hear where that thud is, though.I'm sorry.I continue to open.
You hear the thud? I continue to open the door.So you open the door.There's a big pneumatic hiss as it pops open.And then you see there's like a little light up display on the wall next to the door that marks four doors in this complex.
And you see that right now, two of them are lit up.The door to the north is lit up and the door you're at, the southern door, is also lit up as you popped it open. The door slides open, and you see this incredible Jurassic tableau before you.
Trees, jungle, everything.And then you see a bedraggled, disheveled, bearded, bone-wielding plumber.It does move with beards.And you also see a T-Rex thundering up behind him.Close the door!
Close the door!Close the door!
Well, both of you just come in.
Hello Give me a luck roll just Matt cuz he's the one closing the door I Failed I got 74 57.
Okay, so I would like my I would like my advantage I get once every
You feel the will of Zuzel trickling ever further into the recesses of your brain.Fucking Zuzel, I got an 82.Killed again.Mediocre.Sorry, dog.You manage to slam the door shut.
You still get it shut, but the T-Rex knows that there's something there, like he's seen it and you hear him banging into the wall and sniffing and panting on the other side as this huge, horrible monster.
I always thought dinosaurs were dumb, but it gave me a look like it knew where we are now.
I agree, and I wonder if this thing, this big thing that I can't even comprehend in my soul or my brain, I wonder if it's like Moth Jesus, where it looks scary, but it's actually kind of a hunk.
I mean, he was chasing after, like, Moth Jesus just approached, right?Like, this thing was chasing.
Oh, everyone give me a sanity roll for seeing a T-Rex, by the way.I mean, a fucking, like, cool roll, because it's the coolest shit we've ever seen.
Fucking coolest thing we've ever seen.Ooh, yes, a nine.I succeed.
Okay.Yay, I got a 22 after those two shitty rolls.I succeeded, my sanity's only 31 though.
Beth, give me a 1D4 sanity loss for seeing this mind boggling sight.And it's not hunky at all.And it's not hunky.
He looks like the most not hunky actor that they keep trying to make happen happen.
Oh my goodness.But you're like, I know.It's just, it's sad really that they try to make this happen.
Freddie, how old is Blake Lively?Blake Lively, that can't be right. My brother in Christ, you wrote the sheet.Uh, 28.He's 20.Oh, he's a strapping young lad.
I was like, maybe Kelsey, but now she's talking about May, December, this.Hello, who the fuck are you?What?Who are you?Yeah, it's the plumber.Why are you hanging out with him?Hi.Hello.What are you doing?How are you there?Hi, Kelsey.Hi.
How's the plumbing?I mean, bad.You did a bad job.
I had to learn myself.Whoa.Hey, yeah, wait a second.
You came over to my house to fix the sink, and then the toilet was clogged afterward.You said I did it.
Yes, they are not connected pipes.
Wait, you guys fix the sink in the toilet?We just get new ones.
You get new ones?No, we fix it.Well, I fix it now because Blake here never fixes it.I did fix it.Just because.Not how I remember it.
You also kicked my dog on the way out.I don't have a dog anymore.
Your hound, uh, bit my leg.I didn't kick, I tried to shake him off.Yeah, and he- it's so hard he died!
Okay, there's a lot of- a lot of elevated feelings.
What are you doing here?What happened?
I could say the same about you.Oh, I was rescuing marbles here.Oh, it's a little baby.Hello.This is marbles.
Can I, I'm going to put my hand out, but like in a fist so it can't scratch my fingers.I'm just going to let it sniff.
Marbles has had a traumatizing couple of weeks.
I put my hand back.That's okay.
Well, thanks for bringing us marbles.
Seems like you have some unfinished business with the T-Rex!
No, no, I was, uh... Helping Marbles was in the Storm Drain, and then the Storm Drain opened into a Jurassic World!
That doesn't sound as cool as a park.That's insane.Yes.Well, okay, so you asked us why we're here.Yes, what are you doing here?How long have you been in there?Weeks.Weeks?Weeks, okay.Yeah, so Peachyville's, a lot of stuff's been happening.
There's, I mean, I don't mean to throw your husband under the bus.
Hey, it's my good friend Tony Collette with you.Yeah.Oh, no. Well, he's not with us.
I mean, we lost track of him.He's probably fine now.We haven't seen him in a while.
I haven't seen him in a while either.He owes me money.Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
He never paid the registration fee for the Gutteral Screams Bowling League.And he kicked my dog.
I don't know how to describe it.Long story short, there's some sort of cult, and this whole town is now in trouble, and we need to find three keys, one of which is down here.The town is in trouble, how?Well, there's like big monsters.
Like ancient gods and stuff, there's a god slayer.
And my husband, well, he's running it all, it seems.And frankly, it's good to know that I wasn't the only one whose feelings he hurt.
Husband, what is your husband?
My husband is Tucker Trout.
I've never seen your toys.
And we're looking for a green key.Was there a green key in there?Green key.
And my dialogue, my dialogue, the green key is like red.It's like highlighted.
It's like highlighted in the JRPG dialogue. Ah!Green key!Well, I suppose- There's only one of them, I think.I suppose it depends- I suppose it depends on, uh... I guess that was green, it was more of an aquamarine blue.Well, nevermind!
Well, what did you see?What did you see?
Well, I saw Tucker.Would I know who Tucker is?Yeah, that's right.I know him around town.I feel like seeing her could refresh your memory.
We look exactly the same.We're siblings.
What a twist.What a twist that you look like.Oh, my gosh.
No, that's not what's happening.
So you were saying you saw Tucker?Ah, yes, Tucker!In the dinosaur area.
And he brought it into the Jurassic world.And then... He had this green key.
Calm down Kelsey, calm down.You're frowning at the mouth.We need three keys to save ours.I know, I know, I know, but just calm down.That means it's back there.
He buried it in the Jurassic world.So we have to go back in there.He buried it?Yes.
Wait, do you know where it is?I know exactly where it is because I've marked the clearing with a death trap. Oh, okay.
Oh, can we get in without setting off the deathtrap?
As long as you are not riding a motorcycle or very fast bicycle, deathtrap, no problem.
Well, if I'm, you know, like a kind of cyberkinetic, kind of robotic, kind of not all real, but some real person.Hey, what the fuck are you talking about, lady?She's a robot, but she's real.Oh, that's about me.What the fuck?
Why don't you just talk T-Rex?Calm down.Yeah, well, I was wondering, if that world that Blake was in is not all real either.And maybe we can see it on the computer, like how it lights up the doors.
Maybe it's like an image that's been implanted in our minds or something.I know I sound so silly now, but I'm wondering if it's not actually what we're seeing.
No, you're onto something.It could also be a robot T-Rex, which actually scares me a little bit more now that I think about it.We should maybe explore the other hallways and see if we can find a terminal.
You guys are pretty far out, man. Everybody give me a spot-hidden roll.Here we go.Fuck yeah, dude.But 25, I didn't get it.I failed.
I succeed, barely.I got a 54 and I have 60.
So I got a super success.
Not super duper, unfortunately.That's an 11.But I got a super success.
Kelsey and Trudy, you both notice that the elevator's moving. Oh, it's going back up right now.Almost as if someone has called it up there.
I won't pry open the elevator door.Okay.What's going on?What's going on?
The elevator is moving up.There's a way we can stop it from coming down.
Well, we can also open up the door with the T-Rex and let the T-Rex loose on whoever comes in. Oh!Francis.What?They're not gonna be a good guy.
No, no, that's A+.Oh, thank you.Thank you.Okay, yeah, that's a good idea.I found myself on the back.Let's get the door unlocked, and then we'll wait for the elevator door to open, and we'll open the door with a T-Rex.
Yeah, why don't you guys get further down?I'm really good at sneaking, so I can do it and hide from the T-Rex so it doesn't see me and goes after the other guys.Okay.
I also have a feeling that T-Rex vision is based on movement.
Really?So the plan is I'm going to go to the door of the vault.The other is going to go out of sight of the elevator and of that room.
Once I hear the ding before they even open, I'm going to pull open the door and then run and hide in the same hallway that the others are.
How much time do we have?The elevator goes down.
We don't know. Okay.I mean, you know how much time it took, like, you know, maybe 30 seconds for it to go down.Yeah, it's enough time for you guys to get out of the way.
For 30 seconds, I want anything that is around this hallway.Like, if there's a little table, I just want to make much of a little corridor from the door to the elevator.
Like, the T-Rex is, like, really focused.
Yeah, essentially, like, making, like, you know, those horse blinders, like, when the door opens. The only thing the dinosaur is seeing is the elevator doors.To the left and right is like some cabinets and stuff like that.
It doesn't want to climb over that.
This is really more of an entryway, but we'll say there's a trash can and two plastic plants and an American flag.Great.I put those four things in a little like on either side.To line up the corridor.Yeah, to make like a little corridor.
There are two hallways shooting off of this corridor, there's the door and then there's two hallways.Over one corridor it says two laboratories.Two hallways and two laboratories?No.What sort of building is this?
Two hallways and two laboratories?
I'm just messing with you, Will.
Welcome back.So one door says this way to laboratories.The other says this way to main control room.Main control room sounds pretty good.So there's laboratories and what was the other one?Laboratories is one way.Master control room is the other.
Let's go to master control room.Make sure you drape the flag across that way to cover our retreat.
Hey, are you in with us, Blake?
Yes, if you say the town is in danger, well, I love the town.
I've always known you ever since I taught you in third grade, you've been the most selfish kid I've ever known.What the fuck is this coming from?What the fuck is this coming from?I think it's about time you helped the town that you grew up in.
What the fuck is this coming from?Are you sure you're not confusing it with a different plague?
Could be.I have taught a lot of kids over the years.
There's Blake Shelton, remember?He's a piece of shit.
Oh, yeah.Oh, but don't say that because he got in that car accident.Oh, he did.Yeah.He's the only one that survived his whole family.Yeah, his family died.He's an orphan now.
I'm just saying, Blake, that we're not only friends, we're a bowling team.Yeah.
And you're not part of it because... Cause that's Tony, right?Is that what you're going to say?
I was just going to say that whether we roll a gutter ball or a strike, you're with us.And that's the agreement.That's the vow we make when we, when we joined the guttural screams.
I like that.We do need a fourth player.
I'm not really that soft on you yet.I think, I don't trust you.You could be anything, but I'll keep an eye on you.
No, you shat in my toilet and clogged it and blamed me.And you kicked my dog.
How's toilet working now though? Well fine, now that we called a different plumber.What the fuck is this character assassination?You've done it yourself.You deal with the consequences of what you've done in the past.
You did your actions.I'm gonna stand up in front of you.We flashback.We flashback.
To.To. Blake Lively fixing the toilet.How about he gets a role?You get to roll.You are at the Farnsworth house and you are fixing the upstairs toilet.Yeah.Give me a role on your plumbing skill.Well, I'm skilled trades person.My thing.
So I feel like your skill.I'm curious.What did you put in plumbing?Look, I'm just taking what Frey put down every glimpse that we've seen of Freddie.I've not got this as a plumber. I'll do mechanical repair.
Okay, which is a 35 But he's very dexterous 87
Don't worry child and I flush the toilet clogs immediately Well, I have two things this one is for free the sink is your fault
The dog comes right to your feet.
Get my dog, Little Orphan Annie!Ah, it's biting me!Get it away!It's not biting you, it's licking you!
Ah, it's biting!And I kick instinctively.What is that?The dog falls down the stairs and snaps its neck.
No!No!Leave!Okay, well, I need to get my half up front, though.Get behind my dog!
Alright, we cut out of our flashback.
Maybe we'll treat ourselves to one of those four episodes for how he knows the other two of you. So you've decided my dog.All right.So, okay.So you guys are hiding in the corridor behind the American flag and the two potted plants.Yes.
As the elevator is coming down, you hear the familiar voice of a little young girl saying, Mommy?Mommy, are you down here?I'm scared!I'm lost!Is the voice of Tiffany, your daughter.Unleash!
No, don't listen!Tiffany's not real.She's not even partially real.
Mommy, where are you?It's dark!It's dark!I don't know where I am!I'm going down somewhere!I'm scared!
So the elevator.Thumbs up to Francis.I'm glad it's still a go.Francis nods.The elevator comes to a halt and I open the door.OK.Two things happen.One, Francis opens the door.And to be clear, I open the door in the following way.
Anthony is now opening the door.
He's walking over to the door.
I'm going to take a picture for our Patreon of Anthony opening the door.All right.I'm doing a little video.We're rolling.This is how Anthony is.Give me a demonstration.
Take it back.Roll back.Beautiful.There you go.OK.
And then imagine there's a T-Rex right there.Yeah.As Francis does that, a T-Rex head instantly juts through this massive door and roars and starts snapping its teeth.How is that happening?
Stay still, stay still, stay still.
The elevator door opens and emerging from the shadows you hear the clickety-clack of mechanical feet and from the shadows emerges a massive spider-like robot with like legs
You see the face of your daughter Tiffany and she's looking out and her eyes are glowing red and she's still saying mommy mommy I'm scared.I can't find you mommy.Where are you?
Two of her, like, spider feet are little kid hands, like she's split apart, and then, like, two of it are, like, her legs, but they've still got, like, her little buckle shoes on them and her little white socks, and then there's just a shredded dress grinding up in the gears of this horrible, many-legged, arachnid-like robot as it comes out.
And it locks eyes with the T-Rex and it says, threat detected, engage.And then it just launches at it and starts slashing at the T-Rex's eyes and it roars and thrashes around.
And now there's this brutal melee going on between this T-Rex and this robot spider girl.And as that's going on,
Francis, you now have a T-Rex spider battle to dodge your way out of, and you also have to hop over a potted plant in American Flag if you want to get to your friends.Okay.What do you want me to roll?Well, do it in two rolls.
First, you got to clear the T-Rex, and that's Dexterity. All right, my dexterity is 60.I rolled an 11, which is a super duper success.Ooh, okay.You need a super success for this one.So it's good you got a super duper success.
So as the two Kaiju are fighting, I wait for a break in the action, specifically as the T-Rex, it like roars back with like one of its fists, like it's going to punch it, even though he's got those little stubby arms.
And his tail goes up like it's a Robodope.He's going to like fake with a punch him with his tail.And as his tail goes up, I run underneath the tail towards the corridor that leads to the control room.
Give me one more dexterity to get over this botted plant. That is a 30, that is a normal success.Okay, that would have been funny if you tripped.If I tripped and they saw me, yeah.
But now, team question now, character.Do we want to go Master Controller?Don't we know the key is in this place?Do we want to go back where the T-Rex is?
Yeah, but like, you want to fight?
They're in front of the door.
They're occupying the room.You don't have to do a hard check to get in.We would all be rolling hard checks to get past them.Kelsey, you do remember that little light-up thing that you saw?There's other doors.
There are three other airlocks somewhere in this facility.Oh, true, true.Okay, okay, yeah, that's right.
Francis, run!I am!Run faster!Faster, faster, faster!Must go faster!
Faster, faster, faster!Is that the quote?Not just faster, faster, faster?Yeah, that's what he says.Faster, faster, faster!It's so funny that he says the same thing in Independence Day.Yep.
Yeah, right.Must go faster.Isn't that funny?
It's like how Tim Allen goes, oh, oh, oh, in the Santa Claus.Sorry, what?He does his Tim the Toolman Taylor grunt noise in the Santa Claus, even though it doesn't make any sense for that character. So we run through the master control room.
You hear grinding gears and laser blasts and teeth snatching.You're heading down this dark, again, sort of like government corridor for lack of a better term.
And as you run, you see sort of side doors leading to different sort of departments as you head down this hallway towards the control room.And so you see a door marked power.You see one marked sanitation.Oh, I like that. I like this one.
You see a room called weather control.You see a door that says motor pool slash chamber access.And as you're running past all of these, give me another spot.
I failed.Oh, don't worry.Don't worry.
Kelsey's here.I got a five.Nice.Oh, my spine is 60.
Nothing escapes the wily eye of pretty trout.Yeah.
This is normal.Super normal sex.Normal success.Normal sex.Normal sex.Normal PNV.That's not.I don't want to say that that's normal.It's just that's a little hetero.
There's really nothing normal about it.
It's weird.It's weird.It's weird.You put your thing in that thing.
Here's all I'm saying. What's that line in Star Wars?You came in that thing?Putting the thing in the thing.I get it.Nature.It's the like, not enough.You gotta wiggle around.You gotta wiggle around for a bit.That's the weird part.
That's the weird part.Are you wiggling?
You know, there's just like there's all manner of gyrations I'm just saying like there's plenty of stuff where it's like you see the hummingbird thing comes on they get the nectar.
They don't put the thing out and then they're like... Have you ever watched animals have sex?
They're moving.They don't just sit there.
I know!The hummingbird moves so fast you actually can't tell that it's coming.You're telling me it's pumping that fucking stamen, dude?
It's wrapping its proboscis around that stamen and pumping it dry.Pumping it like those oil derricks on La Cienega.Oh no!They're roasting up and down, sucking it dry out of the urine.What a shame.What a shame.The animal kingdom is kinky, dude.Okay.
You got a spot hidden.Trudy did very well.
So did I. I did well too.You did well too.
Kelsey and Trudy noticed, and I'll say the thing that Trudy noticed, Kelsey and Trudy noticed muddy footprints coming out of the door for motor pool slash chamber access and heading towards the climate control center.
So even though I didn't see the hidden stuff, I see chamber access and I'm like, oh, if we have to close the other doors, maybe we can do it from chamber access. Trudy, with her super-duper-gooper-duper success, notices two things.
She notices that the chamber door appears to be unlocked, unlike the other doors, or the door to Motorpool Chamber Access.
She also notices, based on the tread size and the amount of time she's had to fucking clean up after Tucker's muddy footprints after he's come in from a fucking- The basement.
The basement, or a fishing trip, or whatever, like, these are Tucker tracks.
And they're headed straight for the control center.Their control center is different from chamber access.Francis, control center is different than chamber access.Well, how stupid of me.Yeah, let's go to control center.
But chamber access is the only one that's open.Is the control room open?
So you- Chamber access is kind of redundant, right?If you go into a room that is the chamber- Yeah, you access it!Congratulations!
That's where the door is.It's like a room called Room Enter.
Maybe it's just a door!It's just a door!Hey, look at this!I opened the door!It's just a door!Weird!It's just an example of how to get into chambers!That's helpful, I guess!Ah, it's a good illustration!Ah!Look!The same door across all of these doors!
Oh!Well, now I know how to use that!That's great!I wanna die.Uh... The control center, let's call it Master Control.Master Control.
We're going to the Master Control.
The Master Control room.Let's say that.The Master Control room, you have yet to see a door for it.You're essentially like running in this wide curving hallway and it's still around the corner.
Do you want to follow the boots?Do you want to say that they're Tucker boots?Are you keeping that to yourself?
I will say yes.These are Tucker boots, so be careful.
Oh, that makes sense, because I think I saw him earlier.
Oh, shit.Well, let's go kill it.Let's go to the fucking motor pool chamber access.I want to see that door, too.Shoot.
The muddy footprints are leading away from the motor pool to master control We have not altered our plans this is podcasting I would like to open the chamber access to get into the master
I'm sorry, I did a bad job naming the rooms, okay?I had to come up with like seven rooms, and two of them have names that sound similar.Kelsey, you don't know how to open that door.You've never been to Chamber Access.
You've never been to Chamber Access.Kelsey, practice on this other door.Shut up, shut up.I'm the GM.Shut up.This is my show.Respect me.
Well, but I would like to say that when you, you know, as we're running up, it's like, ah, makes sense.He was riding motorcycle.I think this is Tucker. Tucker Footprints.
Wait, that doesn't make sense.Why is it Footprints if he's riding a motorcycle?
Yeah, what the fuck?Where'd the motorcycle go?Well, because it's probably in the motor pool.Oh.
Oh, like he parked it there in the water.You know what?Oh yeah, you know what?It's not a shit pool?
Yes, he parked it underwater in the motor pool.We're giving Blake Lively a hard time, but with some critical thinking like that, I think he's going to find a good spot in this group.
He's going to fill a much needed niche.
Master control you round the corner you see a doorway marked master control It's wide open great as you run towards the door.It's slammed dramatically in your face Shasham scripted event and then on the other side of the door you see Tucker Trout.Oh
How do we see through the door?
That's one of those- No, wait, what the f- We should've got a chamber access, I told you!We know how to interact with these doors!The door has like a thick plas- It's got like one of those like, fuckin' You know, like a little portal on it.
We understand, you don't have to fuckin' tell Freddy how he can see through- He has a window or something.
I want to paint the picture.
Tucker Trout's looking at it.So you see Tucker Trout on the other side.
Oh, start blasting!But that door's certainly bulletproof!
Only one way to find out.
Yeah, you know what?Fair enough!
Bam!It's bulletproof.You're down.How many bullets do you have left?You never made me count, so I'm saying infinite.No.I feel like you would have bought, like, how many bullets are in a case of ammo?
At literally no point did you request that I track bullets.Now we're doing it.A hundred. Box of ammo with bump stock.
No, but you have a little box of bullets with them.OK, it takes 15 rounds.I feel like your parents got you a box of ammunition.I feel like that.Yeah.
OK, so how much is in a box of ammo?Fifteen.No, no, no.
That's a box.That's a clip. No, no, no, there's five in the clip.Oh, so the box only has 15 bullets.Yeah.Oh, OK.Damn.All right.This is the size of the box.Wow.So we'll see you got.We'll be nice to see you got 10 bullets left.Great.OK.
Hi, honey.Why don't you open the door?I just want to talk.
No, I don't.After all, I don't think I will.I think, Trudy, I feel like I want to say this to one of you at least.So let me say it to you.Of course, honey.I want a divorce. Oh, I think this is over.I've tried and I've tried and I've tried.
When we met, we had this spark and I saw you both as the woman you are, but just the woman you could be.And that kiss in the bathroom, I'll never forget it. This is very, uh, you can't fire me.I quit energy.
And I just, I just want one of you at least to know that I'm moving on.I'm not going to be making any more Trudy's.You're the last Trudy or whatever.I'm moving on.
And I just want you to know that because I've learned a lot and I just think there's some part of you that is just never going to be good enough. It always turns into this with us.
It always turns into some absurd spectacle where you make a big scene and then I get embarrassed and I have to fix everything and I'm tired of it, but I'm going to take what I've learned and I'm going to use it to help our son.
Of course, honey.And I was wondering if you think that you will be able to find love again.You know, seeing as you haven't found it the first time.
Seeing as you tried to assemble somebody that could love you by taking who I was and tearing her into pieces.And then I never loved you.And I wonder what that must have felt like to be trapped
But then I realized I was the one who was trapped, wasn't I?And I'm just wondering if you will find anybody to love that damp, puffy, virgin face of yours because I don't think anybody ever will.And you are not getting our son.
I'm going to make something right.
Well, we'll see about that.You know, it's always like this.You always, you always, you're, you're always acting like, well, I don't want to say the word.I'm a gentleman, so I'm not going to say it, but I think we know what it means.
And I think we know what it is.I'm not going to open the door.What do you want to do now?
Let's go back to the room. I failed you, Trudy.
But I'm not going to fail when I fix Timmy.And I fix the weakness that you brought into him.What are you going to do?
He's just talking with you.No, he's not.He's talking about Timmy.
You were version one and once you're in the scrap heap, I'm going to go upstairs and I'm going to find our son and he's going to be version two.And, you know, I just think maybe he's got more potential.He's got more of me in him.
He's got this soft side.He's got this weakness that I think he got from you.But I've gotten so close with you with him.I think I can really take it all the way.I think that he's going to be perfect.And I think once I get her, please, please, what?
Please not Timmy.Please, just, you could, you don't even have to, you could take him to somewhere else where he will just have a family and a whole life.
Timmy is my family.You asked me if I have love, I love him.I loved you, Trudy.
I don't think you know what that means.I do.I loved you.
I wanted to have the perfect family and you kept fucking it up.We tried and I tried again and again and again and again and again and it just didn't work.It just wasn't good enough.
Then maybe you're the one who's crazy, huh?
Well, I'm the genius who's sitting here in the most incredible environment ever built.This is all thanks to me.I'm the smart one.You're just who you are.And I thought I could help you.I thought I could fix it, but I can't.
But I love our son just as much as I loved you.
No, you never- you clearly never loved me.Not the real me.And now I have other people for that.You're not getting Timmy.And I think you're distracting us.So I'm gonna walk away.
We're gonna go save Timmy, come on.As we're walking away, oh wow, you guys have some heavy shit going on.
You know, you were- It is!It's a whole thing.Sometimes it just feels like it just consumes me.
You were right about one thing, honey.He's gonna try to zinger you.No zinger, no zinger, no zinger.
As he says that, rounding the corner, you see your daughter.She's covered in T-Rex gore and viscera, looking a little worse for wear.It wasn't a robot T-Rex.
Oh, I didn't think that the spider robot would win against a T-Rex.
Yeah, I put all my money on this T-Rex.And its jaw is broken, and it's still trying to say, no, no, no. And then it starts charging it.You want to shoot this?Yeah, I guess I might as well.
Are there doors to the left or right?Like, are there?
Well, there's always the chamber access.Are we right next to chamber access?Yeah.Yes, it's right betwixt the two of you.You hip to the fact that Tucker was distracting you.So I will say that you have not gotten fully ambushed.
This thing is still down the hallway.Great.
Then yes, while Francis takes aim, I run to the closest door, which is the chamber access.
Okay, so I got a 44, and my firearms is 38, so I'm gonna spend six luck.Okay.2D6 plus four.That's 13 damage.
Tiffany takes this bullet straight to her carapace, and you see the bullet manages to find a weak point in her armor, and it slides straight in.You hear this sparking noise, and she groans in agony.She's just kinda like, Wow, good shot, kid.Thanks.
It's from my mental issues.Okay, you hip to the fact that you were being distracted.You have a surprise round on this thing.So why don't you all make a move?What are you guys trying to do?
You can get to the door, the chamber access, well, maintenance door or whatever.Kill me.You can try to fight this thing if you want to hold it off.I want to run into the door.I want to try to open the door and tell everybody to run in.
Yeah, I want to run towards the door.
You guys all make it to the door.Francis, you are behind because you used your turn to take a shot at this thing.And it is going to take its turn, and it is going to take a shot at Francis.With what?
It's web shooters. Are they organic, or are they a machine, though?
They better be organic.The bottom part of her jaw extends, and then because it's kind of busted, it just kind of falls off.And then almost like a megaphone-looking apparatus kind of just pokes out of her skull and aims right at you, Francis.
A blunderbuss.It just kind of like rears back and unleashes this ear-splitting sonic scream straight at you, like a little kid just stepped on a Lego times 10,000.Francis, what's your constitution?My constitution is a 25.
How this spell works is that you burn a magic point.It's a spell, but it's, you know, it's a high-tech thing for this.So we'll call it like, it's a power point.Like it's coming from our lithium.It's a power point?
It's a power point!Oh no!
I was showing these slides!Look at these transitions!She uses five power points.Dissolve transitions between six slides.She dissolved transitions between six slides.Each one of those does 2d10 strength worth of force.
So I'm going to go ahead and roll for her.So she got a 53.Give me a constitution roll.
My constitution is a 25 and I rolled a 23.Ooh.I'm going to roll against that 53 I got for the spell strength.Okay, so I rolled a 23 out of 53.Her super success beats your regular success and you get knocked the fuck out.Oh no.
Not only that, the sonic blast knocks you clean off your feet.You go sliding down the hallway and your unconscious body slides up to that door of the central control room. That was its turn.It is all of your turn again.You're all at the door.
OK, he's got hit by your poor little baby boys back down at the end of the hallway.And Tiffany has not moved yet.She had to rear herself up to fire that blast.Tiffany's like really focused on Trudy, right?
Presumably one would assume she just kind of took out the main thread.So, yes, that's the next thing you see is you see her eyes fall onto you, Trudy.
It's a little flattering to be the main threat.
Blake, you're up first.You have the 75.Oh, hey, is this kid friend of ours?Yes.Yes.
Well, he was just, his dog did not like me and his toilet did not agree with me.
I don't judge people by whether or not their dogs like me or not.He's a kid.He doesn't need to be a friend.You're a grown man.Take care of the kid. He's our friend.He's a good person.
He's a person.So we gotta take care of him.Okay, then give me covering fire.None of us have guns.You see the gun is lying on the ground where Francis got knocked out.I will give you covering fire.
This is just like when I fought in World War II.I've heard that before.
All right, Blake is going to run to slide to pick up the gun and return fire with it.
No, Kelsey is impressed.She's like, fine.Finally, somebody who's going to do something.
Even if you had to get it qualified first.Yeah.Use free action to run over there and pick up the gun.What's your firearm skill? 25. Scarra, give me a roll.Let's see if he hits.
Super success.Special boy.Super success.Super success.And I will say, because Blake Lively did fight in World War II, he knows perfectly the operation of a Kar98.Well, OK, sure. Was he fighting for the other side?
No, no, no, no.He picked up one on the dead corpse of a Nazi.
He knows, for example, it's a bolt-action rifle.It doesn't sound like the American one that went ping when it was done.That's such a satisfying noise, though.2d6 plus 4.That would be 12 damage. Okay.Describe to me where you shoot it.
I think I'm going for center of mass because that's how I got lucky with it.Yeah.Your eyes sort of drawn to where she's already sparking.
And you managed to blast another shot straight through like a little tatter of the little Sunday dress she was wearing back when she was like a six year old girl and it. pierces through.Six-year-old robot.Six-year-old robot.
And then, kablam, like another big chunk comes out of this thing.She's sputtering and writhing like there's oil leaking out of her chassis right now and she's like kind of like staggering on her legs.Quick, grab the kid.Kelsey, it's your turn.
Yeah, I'll go grab Francis.
We make a great team, Kelsey.Yeah, you're better at shooting six-year-old girls than you are fixing my toilet.
Everyone is holding, like, how bad was this toilet scenario?Like, how bad was it?
If Francis was awake, he'd be like, why, do you think, do you imagine that thing was my dog?Can we flashback to the Kelsey toilet scenario?Sure.All right.
Ding dong.Hello.Hi, okay, he's just right there in the back.Oh, wait, where?I'm working on my encyclopedia.Oh, very cool.And I'm plagiarizing it this time. Ah, which way?Oh, in the back.There's only one toilet.What do you mean?
Just go to the back of the house.Lady, you're very confrontational.
Yeah, you're 10 minutes late.I'm so sorry.I'm so sorry.My previous job, I got clogged up, and I had to kick a dog.Oh, OK.
Now I'm going to watch you do the job after you just said that.OK, yeah.I go and look at the toilet, and I flush it.Yeah, it doesn't work.That's why I called you.No, no, no.But what's happening?Oh, it starts backing up more.It's like, oh.
Do you have a plunger I have one All right, so I want to plunge it 16 mechanical world that's a super success on my mechanical repair.Okay, you effortlessly Unclog it unclog it.
Oh, you know what it is.I unclog.It's a papers.It's papers You tried to flush down the toilet Apples.
Um, okay.Well, you did a great job.Here's, here's your buddy.Um, yep.That's just my toilet paper.It's a theme toilet paper.Uh, don't tell anybody what he's talking about.
Okay.And as I turn around, like the wrench apple, like a for apples.Is that like, Oh, it's a car.Yeah.
And then as I turn around with the big heavy wrench on my belt, it just spins around and explodes your toilet.
Yeah, but I didn't fix it.
Hey lady, you still owe me.
I fixed your toilet.But then you broke it.I was going to remember you were good at your job.That was going to be like a way we could bond, but no, you broke my toilet.
Suddenly the T-Rex still alive, but badly maimed starts stumbling down the hallway.What would you like to do?
Well, I'm grabbing, I'm the flashback.Hey, the flashback did not interrupt my action.I was running towards Francis.I didn't stop mid running towards Francis to remember this moment.I am going to drag Francis by the feet and run back to the door.
All right.You're back at the door.Trudy, what are you doing?
I am going to take a look at Tiffany and see if there are any like weaknesses other than the damage that has already been done.Like if there's like a kill switch on her or something.
Okay, that's sick.You don't need to roll for that.You see, it could only be the mechanical version of her heart.
Her sort of chassis has been blown away and exposed enough that she's got this like pumping mechanism that seems to be pushing oil and like it's a sort of a power generator and it's wide open.
Are there like wires or anything?
Yeah, it's like hooked up to wires.It's like the central thing that seems to be keeping her alive.
I am going to pick up marbles and walk towards Tiffany.
Marbles does claw deep into your hand.That's fine.OK.
I'm going to roll Charm, okay, I'm going to say to Tiffany dearest daughter I got you something that you would just love that's the sweetest thing to hold and cuddle and he'll be yours all yours You see her eyes soften as she looks at this cat you
Throw the cat at the T-Rex, start the fight again.
Okay, I succeeded, my charm is 55 and I got a 27.Great.I am going to thrust marbles towards that hole in her where the wires are and see if he bites down on the wires.
You're gonna goose the cat a little bit?
Yeah, I pull a piece of fur out of his tail and it kills me.
Absolutely, yeah, the cat hisses and just starts scratching and biting at the inside of this thing. I'm gonna use the, they don't have a cat, but they do have a rat, which for a kitten seems like the closest size.
Just multiply everything by 1.25.Okay.Oh, fuck yeah.Marbles got a super success on his attack.So he's gonna go ahead and roll some damage.One D three.He got a three, thank God.Minus two, which is exactly how much health this thing had left.
So with a little kitten claw, Marbles the cat slashes at the beating heart of your erstwhile robot daughter.It just knocks like a screw loose, like the sort of pumping mechanism splashes open and it's just spraying fluid everywhere.
Marbles gets some oil on his face.
I will say Marbles will remember this.It does not like you.Especially does not like Trudy.
I'm actually going to neglect Francis's wounds, even though I have very high medicine and first aid and dedicate the rest of my entire life.
Is that something Trudy would do or something Beth would do? I will never forgive you.Cats don't forgive.
I don't know what you're talking about.I think marbles will forgive me.
So marbles is hissing and scratching and clawing at you.Marbles is actually going to get another attack on Trudy.Marbles got a 19.So another success.Marbles is going to hit you for another three.So yeah, you take one damage from marbles.
Hey lady, give me my cat back.
I'm so sorry.I just needed to defeat my daughter, my robot daughter.And I'm so sorry, Marbles.I just, I can't tell you enough how sorry I am.
As you were apologizing to the cat, Tiffany crumples over.The light goes out from her eyes as this hideous robo body just collapses onto her.
You see the T-Rex roaring in rage behind it as it thunders off, pissed that his quarry has been killed and sort of stomps off back down the hallways of this facility, I guess.
As the light leaves Tiffany's eyes, Trudy prepares herself to feel like grief and for like an immense like loss, but it doesn't come quite yet.And she's shocked because she doesn't feel really anything.
So you guys are going into, finally, the chamber access.You make your way down basically a little short flight of stairs.Sure enough, there's the motor pool here.
I'm fine.I'm worried about Francis and I'm worried about Marbles as well.
I think Marbles is okay.Can't skip by.Are you worried about Marbles or are you worried that Marbles doesn't like you?
You would just be kind of unacceptable to me if Marbles didn't like me.
I'm sure Marbles likes you.
We see... Give me a spot, hit and roll.
Only Trudy. 23, and that's a success.
You see Marbles' two glowing eyes glowing back at you behind the fucking pterodactyl skull, and this guy does not like you.
Can I smack Francis awake?Huh?Can I smack Francis awake?Sure.Okay.I think he just got knocked out.Didn't do any damage to him.
Well, I can roll first aid on him.
Yeah.Yeah.We all roll first aid.I'll roll first aid, too.Give me a first aid roll, Trudy.
Fuck I failed by two maybe I'm gonna push.I'm gonna push my roll Or just let or I'll try all right, I'm gonna roll one more time.I'm gonna push my roll.Oh
Okay, so you try to give Francis CPR and you cracked one of his ribs So we'll write down that Francis has a cracked rib, but I wake them up right does it wait?Yeah.Yes, it wakes him up The sheer excruciating pain of his cracked rib wakes him up.
Francis, you wake up from a dream?
They say that happens when you do CPR correctly.
It can also happen when you do it wrong.
Truthy, truthy, truthy.He sustained these injuries from the blast.
I'm just trying to help you guys out.Jesus.Team cohesion.Francis has a cracked rib.Go ahead and lie to Francis and we'll see if you succeed in lying to him.
Francis, you got your cracked rib.Try not to laugh, because you got your cracked rib having a blast.
Persuade me.Yeah, let's do persuade.I can roll against with psychology.Yes, you roll against it with your psychology.Oof, I rolled very badly.95 out of 80.
Well, I rolled very badly, so I didn't succeed at all.
So you failed, but Trudy also failed?
I failed, my first weight is 30 and I got an 82.
Okay, so you failed more than he failed, so he knows that you're lying when you say this.He doesn't know what happened, I will say this, because you don't know what happened, but you know Trudy's not telling you the truth.
Trudy, why are you lying to me? I thought you were the only adult I could trust because you're a robot, you can't lie!Because I broke your rib, I was trying to help you.Ow!I know, I'm so sorry.
All you had to do was tell me that, I appreciate you were trying to help me.Well, I didn't want you to be mad at me because it feels like- I wouldn't have been mad, it was an accident!
Now I'm mad because you're another adult that's lying to me!
But sometimes we just lie because we're scared too, even though we're adults.You're adults, you should be better than that!I know.
Here's your gun back, kid.I took a shot and landed it.
Oh, and that's the truth.He's telling the truth.
Cool.That's what real adult looks like.Thank you.Yeah.You know what?I'm going to look after this guy now.He's my new role model.He kicked your dog.I mean, he did.Francis, son, take it slow.
You don't remember everything yet. All right, you see all these Jeeps, you see a door, there's like a much bigger version of this vault door.
It says welcome to Jurassic Park.
It says welcome to Stasis Chamber on it.You see that the other lights are closed.Stasis Chamber, you mentioned that earlier on the thing.So this is the thing that opens when we close all the other doors.
You see three lights for all three of the big, vault-y doors that open the chamber.They're all closed now. Oh, they are.Yes.Somebody else did it?One would presume this flapping T-Rex tail slammed the door shut.Oh, lucky us.
The door's closed.It could be Tucker, but I'm betting the T-Rex's tail, it was waggling quite a bit.It probably hit the door's closed.
It probably used its tail to, you realize how implausible that is?
You're writing an encyclopedia, lady.
Let's go inside this chamber with a Jeep.Let's get this butter.
Let's load up under this Jeep and get in there I'll show you where the clearing was where the key.Okay.Yeah, let's go over the Jeep.
Who's driving this cow?Oh, what Trudy you wanna drive?
I just think that I could oh wait.
Oh The way you said that, it sounds like you've never driven before.Oh my gosh.Now's the time.You're driving then.
Okay.Yes.And yes, you're good.
You can do anything you put your mind to.Let's do it.Was she a former race car driver?
Oh no.But as you sit down in the front seat, a sensation comes back to you and it's the love of the rumble of an engine and the acceleration of a car.
And somehow you're, even though you don't remember driving, your body seems to know how to turn on the engine, start the clutch and get this baby in gear.And you roll forward.And I assume one of you opens the door to let the Jeep in.
Oh, wait, wait, stop, stop, stop.We got to open the door for us to get out.
I open the door and get back in the Jeep.OK, as you open the door, this tableau once again slides in front of you.But instead of seeing.
a lush tropical canopy, and instead of seeing this dense wild jungle that you saw before, you see traces of civilization.You see the jungle has been hacked back.You see roads.What?You see huts in the distance and the rise of smoke in the air.
Oh, my God.It's a fast time room. And then as you roll... Or slow one and we're in the fast one.
Oh God, don't make me think that!
As you roll the jeep in... We look around, make sure we don't know, like, you know, people with weapons.You don't see anybody yet.Lady, do you see anything hidden?Nope, nope.I think we're good.Drive slowly and I'll walk in front of the jeep.Why?
I don't think that's safe.Okay, I'll get in the jeep.
Okay.She does have the demon inside her.
Oh yeah, that's probably something you should know, dog kicker. What's that this one has a demon inside of her?
You know And then Francis puts a finger gun to his head He's worried about that as you go in yeah, you see like this seems to be the same environment But it looks completely different.This is crazy.I spent three weeks in here.
Oh, you did this in three weeks.
No Wait wait I was building a monument for pooping I had a pond, you see.A monument?Yes.For pooping?Big, big toilet.
Do you mean a monument to pooping?Or you mean a monument that you think are going to poop?
Well, let's see it.Let's see it.
Yes, I'd like to try.Let's go to where it is.
Wait, wait, wait.Everybody, really quick.This is not Zuzel speaking.This is Kelsey.That sounds really funny, but I don't think we should try to do the key. We're all happy on this road trip.That's great.
Okay.As you drive through this strange countryside, you crest this Hill and you see two things.One, you see that your poop pond has just like blossomed into like a rancid, horrible swamp.
It's just, you know, just from the stench that like this could only be what has grown out of this poop on a dense, lush, just like it's the one still untamed, dark part of this world that hasn't been broken by civilization yet.
And then you see where you saw originally this capsule being buried.You see a temple.
and you see priests in robes and you see a crowd of people watching as a high priest ascends a set of stairs and at the top of the steps there's a massive sculpture of this huge green key and he lights a torch and lights a big bonfire beneath it.
This is some sort of ceremony honoring this key, this strange artifact.And as he lights up the key, he's a higher up now and his eye can kind of catch your sight line at the top of the hill and he looks horror struck at you.
And then he calls out to the crowd below and he says, Outlanders!
Broken sky, all I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary In a world that lies, twisted in my mind and now I'm gone All that I can see is a hole in the stars Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away But I'll stay today
And thanks so much for listening.We've tabulated the votes and after 5,960 responses with 54.5% of the votes, the winner is Walter and the dads.Yay.Speaking of dads and by dads, I mean ads.
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That's at patreon.com slash Dungeons & Dads.Dungeons & Dads is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammer. Anthony Burch as Francis Farnsworth, Will Campos as RDM, Beth May as Trudy Trout, and myself, Freddie Wong as Blake Lively.
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All that I can see is a hole in the star Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away But I'll stay
I skipped firearms.I skipped firearms.I'll never see it.I never fucking will.I never fucking will.
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