Hey everyone, it's Whitney here.Please don't scroll past this because I'm doing tour dates because that's what I was told started happening.So just go to wittycomings.com.I'm coming to your city and don't skip this because wildness is coming soon.
Right now.I have voted.This is such a vibe. Oh, welcome to the program.It is Halloween day that we're shooting this.We're returning to the new format this week.
Get out of my way, Nick Schwartzen.
We're not doing the old format where I text with a comedian for three weeks, rescheduling them to come in just to talk about cancel culture and depression.Instead, we are going to go over my topics this week.
Topical zeitgeisty rants with my pale, no f**ks given queen, Grace Weissen, who joins me.We're going to dig into things.Grace is here in her Halloween costume. What you got?I'm a voter.She is dressed as a clown with an I voted sticker.It is.
It is such a vibe.When you go vote, do they just give you the clown costume?
Yeah.No, the sticker came from home.I got this on Amazon.But this this.Yeah, I walked in and they gave me a paper ballot and then they handed me this on a hanger and they said the changing rooms around the corner.
You could have just worn the I Voted sticker.You didn't need the whole clown costume.We got that.Well, in L.A., like you don't need to wear the clown costume.Just tell her when you're on Hinge and your radius is L.A.
Like there's other ways to be a clown.Yeah.
Well, I'm back on Raya, so actually I'm.
I'm doubling down on my clownage.Okay, Raya, as you guys know, is the trafficking site for men in V-necks and TikTok girls who need a sponsor to go to Majorca.
Yeah, to go on a tart, to get on the tart cosmetics.Twins and triplets.
Is it Ibiza or Ibiza?Have we decided?Ibiza.Ibiza.So why would you have you ever switched genders on Raya or switched who you're looking at?I was on Raya and looking at guys and it's all like men that think they're producers.
It's all, you know, triple threats.You know, the three jobs.Yes. They're producers, they're executive producers, they're co-producers, they're writers, they're directors of their social media.And I switched at once and it was just a freak off.
I think you can set it to be like, I'm looking for just friends or just dating or both.
I'm looking to get rid of friends.Is there an app that can help me delete some of the friends I have?Can I look through my friends and be like, yeah, we haven't gotten along in years. We outgrew each other in like the early 2000s.
Just keep posting on Instagram.Yeah.I'll take care of it.I can't like the app for losing friends is called Venmo.
Yeah, actually.Yes.I already have that.
Yes.So you're on there for friends.
No, I'm on there for dating.But like you just see it shows you every like if you go to like who's near me, it'll be like here's literally every person.First of all, that doesn't feel safe, Raya.
yeah but also it yeah it shows you like everyone some of these women wild i feel like we're different species you know what i mean what is your body what is your song on riot there's a song that goes with your profile you're gonna hate it mine was um you're not good enough by blood orange oh that's really good um i'm gonna guess i'm gonna guess i'm gonna guess oh i feel like i oh i'm gonna be so annoyed when you tell me you're gonna be you are going to
Be furious.Hate me.It's a Taylor Swift song.No.
Okay.Because I was like if it is.I would never do that.Really?Not on my.No.Okay.That comes later.Okay.Okay.It's just your sex playlist.
Also, speaking of vibes, I am dressed as Ray Gunn for Halloween.Ray Gunn, till I die, I will fight you in the street.Here's my thing about the Olympics, because it's coming back at some point.I think the Olympics is missing a huge opportunity.
I think, okay, Ray Gunn proved my point, okay, which is my problem with the Olympics is always that when you see people that are really excellent all next to each other, they don't seem that good. There's no context.Yeah.
Okay, so it's like when I see the runners running they're running like a hundred miles an hour But they all look slow to me and I'm like this isn't that impressive because they're all like neck-and-neck He beats the other guy by literally half like the less than half a second and they all just they might as well be going Walking as far as I'm concerned because they're all next to each other.
Yes, there's no contrast I would like to pitch the idea of the 13th lane.Now.This is a lane with just some person some guy and that's trying as hard as they can.It could be an athlete, honestly.It could be someone very fit.It could be Rogan.
They could just make each athlete do a shift on a different sport.
Just have a regular person try to do what they're doing.So we all know what's happening.Yeah, it's like you just have some guy and and go and then everyone's going super fast.And the regular guys just like that and just like Achilles heel pops.
And you're like, oh, I get it.And I see how excellent and amazing they are.Yeah. Reagan comes in and does my idea.Because if I just saw breakdancing, I'd be like, whatever.I guess.I guess.I kind of scroll past this in my discover page.
I could do that.I feel like I could do that.Yeah.I watch JoJo.
Oh, I'm literally watching the Olympics Googling what is the easiest Olympic sport to get into. I want the hardware, I want the glory, I want the free trip.
I look at curling where they're mopping up before the thing and I'm like, should I just do that instead?Like that's like my plan C is Olympic curler.It looks so easy to me.All of this looks so easy and dumb and like Ray Gunn comes in and you're like,
Oh, breakdancing's hard.She made us respect the athletes so much more.Yeah.Also, I mean, if if confidence and delusion was an Olympic sport, she'd be winning.She was just she was like, no, I'm competing in delusional confidence.Right.I don't know.
Was this breakdancing?I'm sorry.
She does have a Ph.D.in breakdancing.
I don't know.I don't know about that.
No, I am.It's because I want to go to grad school.
I'm just the easy way out.We do need to weigh in on Tony Hinchcliffe.This is wild, wild.What is going on?I will start by saying, can everyone stop asking comics to do their serious things?We're not.We're feral animals.
Stop inviting us to your to your run around your China shop.Stop inviting us to your important events.We don't belong in the DNC or the RNC.We belong at the HPV. clinic.We don't belong at galas or balls.We belong on 4chan.
When did people start thinking comedians are like the paragon of morality?Comedians are self-sabotaging, Tourette's stricken, contrarian sickos who cannot be trusted around anything important or serious.
They wanted to get a young male YouTube demo, okay? First of all, don't try to get the Kill Tony demo.They can't vote.They're all in jail.They don't... They're also all illiterate.They can't read the ballot.
The YouTube demo isn't voting for Trump, okay?They're writing in Andrew Tate on the side.They're not... They're... What are you... I just I don't know.Just leave us out of this.Can you leave us out of this?
Like stop inviting like dirty hyenas to your black tie events.You know what I mean?Like these rabid honey badgers shouldn't be running around.We don't know how to behave.That's our thing.
OK, stop making us your party trophy, you know, to make you look punk rock when you just need to actually learn how to run the country.How about instead of booking Tony Hinchcliffe for your event?How about like?I don't know.
get clean water to Appalachia?
Yeah, Flint still doesn't have clean water.
Whoever was booking Tony's flight, could they just fly to Flint instead?Seriously, yeah.I'm saying, hey, also Trump rally people. Google him.Why is no one Googling anyone?
When I meet my friend's new boyfriend, by the time I get to the restaurant, I know who he took to prom in San Antonio in 1992.I know about his Lyme disease debacle covered in the Fort Worth Gazette.
No stone goes unturned when I have someone in my life, in my house.When I interviewed Grace, dude, what did I ask you?
Are you comfortable with nudity?
I did ask you.Comedians in general, we do have to start saying no.People like us, like all of a sudden out of nowhere.OK, people want to invite us to their things.We were the dorks that were not invited to things.
We were nobody invited us to their parties.No one had asked us to prom.And now all of a sudden we're like the cool kids.And, you know, like it always ends up like Carrie at the end of the movie. Oh, my God.Always.
My main note for Tony would be, first of all, you don't wear a suit.OK, this was, I think, Tony's mistake.I'm telling you is that like, well, especially when you had to get at Oshkosh. Hey, hey, build a bear.This is what it is.
These suits give the cue to people that we're serious people.Okay, why do you think that I do my podcast out of Pee Wee's Playhouse, dude?
This hoarder's in sanitarium, littered with flea market trash and weird figurines my stalkers made for me in their meth lab. Comics have to protect themselves by keeping the context conducive to comedy.
You know, like when we did those roasts on OFTV, I dressed like Dolly Parton, just got out of rehab.My tongue was purple.Oh my God, dude.
30 seconds before we shoot, Whitney's like, are we rolling?And we're like, what did you eat?
And I'm like, guess who's not getting canceled? Because people know I'm not a serious person.If Tony's tongue was blue, we wouldn't be in this jam.My roast, I was dressed like a lawyer for Republican drag queens and looked ridiculous.
I told everyone to dress dumb to remind everyone that we're silly gooses and that's what we do.But stop dragging comedians out of the gutter.
gussing us up and using us for your First Amendment street cred, because then the Second Amendment is going to be used against us.I'm about to be the flag lady at the NASCAR race next week to hold the flag.I'm not saying a peep, OK?
I will show up in a short skirt because I know the assignment.OK?Comedy belongs in places named after weird buildings and fruit.The Ha Ha Hut.Go bananas.
flappers lol lol just not rnc not dnc those are the only three letters you get lol zanies adjectives we turn to the nouns because we're illiterate if you really want tony hendrick to help you ask him for a donation ask him to sell his one of his 500 belt buckles
on eBay and donate to you so he can get a tax write off because he already doesn't pay any taxes in Texas.So that's how you can use a comedian.Don't like.Yeah.Horrifying.Horrifying.Should have been me.I fell for it once.I fell for it.
I got invited to a tech billionaire thing to perform. And I'm like, they're like, come perform for all these.I'm like there.I like them.They respect me.Yeah.So I get invited to this corporate event and I'm like, they like me.They really like me.And.
They told me, please don't make jokes about the Saudis.What are you going to do if you don't know me by now? then you will never, ever, ever know me.My back's against the wall.It's just not how Tourette's works.
Had you not said anything about the Saudis, I would have not said anything about the Saudis.You put the idea in my head.You have planted the seed.That's called a prompt in this business.You gave me a good idea. Okay, best idea wins, okay?Oh my God.
And it's like, whatever you do, don't make fun of the Saudis.And I was like, gotcha.Yes, and?Okay, so there's Saudis here on the side of a mountain in the snow and you want me to not, and you just gave me a margarita.Are you out of your mind?
And the altitude is out of the way.You know, I did open with, why is everybody so afraid of the Saudis?Like, I'm not worried Saudis are going to kill me.I'm not a journalist. And then I couldn't stop.Like, I couldn't stop.
And the worse it got, I couldn't, like, we go out of body because you can't, in that moment, you can't be like, oh, sorry, I can't do it.Like, there's no way out of it either.
Because you're like, wait, you guys, I came here to do what you wanted me to do, and now I'm doing it and you're not. You're just like out in the wilderness alone, and then it recreates our childhood circumstances.Now I'm in my comfort zone.
Nobody likes me.Nobody's paying attention.I'm failing.I'm a cozy.I'm in my comfort zone.Double down.You know what I mean?And then it was just like, and then you're like, well, this will get them.Like, hold on, hold on.You haven't heard this one.
And then I was like, well, these are tech billionaires.Everyone in this room has a lot in common with the Saudis.Half the people in this room just moved to a desert where women have no rights.It's called Texas. And I'm like, wait, wait, wait.
Why aren't you laughing?Hold on, wait till you hear this one.No, no, I got it, I got it, I got it.Hold on, hold on.I see, OK, got it, got it, got it.I haven't gone far enough.Fair, fair.I haven't committed to the bit yet.
And then I just, we don't, we hit rock bottom and keep digging.That is our nature.And then I was like, OK, I get it, I get it.I see why America and the Saudis, that we did start off on the wrong foot.9-11 was a setback.
And you you guys did something unforgivable.9-11, 9-11 made Pete Davidson famous.And we will never forget that you did that to us.Like, I couldn't stop.And then you can't.And then you're like, oh, and then it's oh, sorry, it's been an hour.
Yeah, there's no way out, whatever.So I don't know.I'm just oh.And then I was like, I was like, why is everyone so afraid of the Saudis, like Saudis?Why is everyone so afraid of you?Do they think you're trans?
I was like, guys, the dress they wear is their like religious garb, not their truth.Have you guys heard of GLP-1 medications like Ozempic or Wigovy?That's a joke.Wigovy?W-E-G-O-V-Y?You've heard of this?
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Sorry, I was like, if you can't go in and get a prescription, maybe this is why you're fat. you're too lazy.If you need the GLP-1 to come to you, this is why you're fat.You know what I'm saying?Totally.I just, yeah.Sorry.No waiting rooms.
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That's liquid death dot com slash Whitney.Enough about that.Let's get into our top X for the week.First and foremost, I always forget how weird it is to celebrate Halloween on an election year. Too close.
Yeah, this is the worst week of my life.
Election years, we got to move up Halloween.Two weeks earlier.It's just everything we see on the news is already a horror show, so it's hard to scare anyone.Back in August, I saw houses side by side and one had a Kamala sign and one had a Trump sign.
And I was like, hey, guys, Too early to be decorating for Halloween.Stop.Stop with the haunted houses.And then you're like, you know, like I see a bunch of zombies trick or treating and I'm like, is Congress going door to door to campaign for Kamala?
Like when I see rotted skeletons on someone's lawn, I'm like, you guys don't make fun of our president.Here's one week left. You're being like, it's just that's just hacky.
There's like a haunted hayride in like Griffith Park that they do every year.
I went with some of my friends last night and it's one of those things where they have people like scare artists, if you will, coming up and like like yelling at you and like banging shit in your face.
And, you know, it's one of you like pay to torture yourself, basically.
And I was just like this.I feel nothing. Every time I open my phone, it's so much scarier.
You're so numb at this point.Yeah.That is like so I can't stop thinking about how you get that job.
I think it's a lot of like people who are here to be actors living.
You just broke my heart, right?
No, I know.That ruined my day.It's there's at one point you walk through like an empty shipping container as like a tunnel.And this person was on the side of it just like migrants.Yes.
No, it was that somebody was just on the outside like banging something on it to like scare people.And she was just like.
And then she's like, the elections on Tuesday and everything.Yeah, I guess it's just hard to tell what's what's a Halloween thing and what's just like the nightmare that we live in.Like some of the stuff is like the Joker laughing maniacally.
And I'm like, OK, Kamala doesn't wear purple suits that often. more eggplant.It's confusing the spiderwebs all over Joe Biden's head are not from Party City, like which is which Halloween is just like a weird a week before the election.
It's like not much fun watching Dracula while finding out politicians are vampires.I just watching political coverage on the news.You're also like, Like there's Halloween movies and it's confusing.You're switching channels.
You're like watching Silence of the Lambs and then The Shouting of the Sheep.It's just like during an election year, a haunted hayride just feels like the state of our farming industry.28 Days Later isn't a movie.
It's just like probably when we'll get the election results like I. Oh, my God, I will kill myself. Children of the Court becomes the reason some people are pro-choice.I don't know, dude.Move Halloween.
Yeah, it's also I'm kind of surprised that there hasn't been like a conservative movement to end trick-or-treating because like kids going door-to-door asking for handouts is kind of exactly what they're against.
I mean, look.Just saying.
I'm indoctrinating the children with their socialist agenda.What happened to razors and apples?That sounds like a really nice way to go out at this point.
Like, remember the good old days when you had to worry about kids, like, eating razors with apples, not them being trafficked on Nickelodeon?
Like, it's weird when you think, like, remember the good old days when kids only had to worry about, you know... being poisoned at Halloween.Oh, my God.
Also, all the parents were like, yeah, I'm going through all of my kids candy.Like, you know, if I don't want like anybody giving my kid drugs and their candy, it's like, first of all, candy's a drug.Yeah.
But sugar is addictive.Yeah.
But also, like, the best thing you could do is give your kid candy and they get a little cut in their mouth and never want to candy again.
Now that's a hundred percent actually might be.
Dude, I remember the someone in my neighborhood gave out a toothbrush and toothpaste.Evil.
I'm close.I know I might be that girl.I might be that guy. Dude, I never have.They're all from Etsy and they're all used.I am always out of toothpaste.I feel like it's for the parent to just run an errand.You just took an errand off my plate.
You didn't need another Mounds bar.Like now I get what that was.Like someone was just like, here's a toothbrush and I know you're going to run out.Floss.
If I would just want to put like, like little groceries in for the parent who's like, oh yeah, I do.I needed, thank you.I needed.Yeah.Well, first of all, your house is unreachable by foot.
So nobody's coming to trick or treat you.
I, one year, the house I was in before this, also not reachable by foot.I dressed up as Wonder Woman, worked so hard on my costume and had all of this candy and the kids weren't coming up.So what I started doing is I would see kids down the block.
So I would just start running after them.You're on a list.You can't chase kids with candy.
That's kind of the cardinal rule of being an adult.I don't know.I just like I can't even watch a Halloween movie at this point.
It's like the shower scene from Psycho is just about being in the voting booth, except she's just like, can you kill me already?Our next topic is about a ship that sunk in New Zealand, and AP News wrote an article titled New Zealand Ship Didn't Sink.
Because its captain was a woman. It didn't sink because the captain was a woman.The hall defense minister said the ship did sink to be there's a little miss.That's the ship sunk.That's all you needed to tell us.The ship sank.No, no.
That wasn't the news story, though, but not because a woman was on it driving it.What is it called?Shepherding it.Captain.Yeah.The ship sank, but not. Okay, nobody who doesn't think something is true makes it news that it's not true.
Like, you didn't need to write this article at all.Like, nobody even knew about the story until you said it wasn't true.Like, news is a list of what's true, not what's not true.No one's like, hey, this just in, dinosaurs did not have TikTok.
Like, no, we assumed that.Like, if you just said nothing, nobody would have thought
It's so because of female captives like this.I think this journalist thinks it was a woman that sunk it.
And he's trying to convince himself or he's trying to or he's trying to go like, or should it be an italics like it didn't like when someone didn't sink because she's a woman.Just say it.Just be like, it's probably because of this woman.
Like when someone's like, hey, just by the way, I'm not crazy.
That's the crazy, that's it.You, I, what?That's the most batshit crazy.Just, you know, I did not cheat on you last night at the club.Like, wait, what?I didn't.First of all, let's just, even if this female captain did sink the ship, good for her.
Women can do whatever they set their minds to.
Men have sunk every ship before this.The first woman sunk a ship in 2024.That is outrageous.Only one ship out of the probably 600,000 that have sunk in history.And we've only sunk one.That is not a quality.
We have a lot of work to do to catch up with the amount of boats that have been sunk by men.
I think it's so hard to be a woman today because all the firsts have already been taken.
Like, not that women 60 years ago had it easy, but you could just like walk the Appalachian Trail and they'd be like, first woman to walk the, what a, you know, like you could do anything.And they'd be like, the first woman ever did that.
There's nothing left to be the first at.
I want a Wikipedia page.There's nothing for me to just go out and do without any training.
The only things we can do now are the disasters.Yeah, that's the only thing we can do.But also what sinks ships. Loose lips.Oh, and that's our thing.Also, I don't even think she did it.I just I don't buy women don't trust boats.
No, I don't buy that a woman like was on a boat.OK, we know we don't do boats.OK, we know this is how our husbands kill us.
We do boats, but only when men have boats.
We don't buy our own boats.
All my friends are looking to date guys who have boats, which is crazy because I remember Natalie Wood.I know what happened to her.
Walk me through this.All your friends want men with boats.Is that what it's come to with your generation?You can't buy houses?
Yeah, for sure.Whoa. Yeah, I mean, it's just like, you know, it sounds like such a good idea when you're not in the midst of it, when you're not like on the ocean.
Easiest way to say I'm not I'm not looking for something permanent.I'm afraid of commitment is to be on a literal boat.
He can't even commit to the land.And you want him to commit to a woman like I'm a little wishy washy on this.The only thing worse than fighting with a guy is fighting with a guy like this.
Yeah, there's no way to have any kind of dignity like walk the walk of shame as you leave the boat like trying to get your stuff Yeah, like can't get it stay off the boat everyone get out of the get out of the water.
Yeah, okay I definitely I don't go on boats with people who love me as a general rule and never ends Well hashtag Nancy Grace, but I just believe women tend to respect gravity.We learn about it very early No, Amelia Earhart story.
I know that she was eaten alive by crabs What?Yep It's just in.OK.
First woman eaten alive by crabs.
That's another thing I can't do.Number one.We got to it before men.
Amelia Earhart, when I see you in hell.
If I saw the Titanic, I'd be like, nope, no.I would U-turn so fast.I'd be like, no, no, no, this does not make sense.This is a guy thing.We're not doing a shopping mall on the ocean.We're not doing a hotel in the ocean.
Lose the chandeliers, lose the bookshelves, the dance floor.We're not jumping and dancing on a thing that could flip over.We're all gonna sit here quietly with no thing.Humble.There's a humbleness that we have, the arrogance that men have.
I'm just gonna drive a mall on the seas.
I went on one cruise, spring break, seventh grade.It is literally a mall.First of all, everything is like Coca-Cola branded.It's very weird.You're like, we're in the middle of the ocean.I can't spend any real money.
I have a simulation fake debit card.I did go on a cruise once and there was a 20 the buffet.There was so much jello.And I was just like, oh, this is tough.Like, I just remember the buffets, like constant buffets.And
being like, this is, you can't escape, there's nowhere to go.No, there's literally nowhere to go.Just because women aren't in a field doesn't mean we have to get in it.You know?
I also, by the way, I trust a woman that's doing about, like, whenever a female pilot walks on a plane, everyone's like, oh no.And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no.She had to work twice as hard.She must really want it.
I still have not seen one woman running with the bulls.
That's such a good point.
We don't do things like that.
Well, no.Well, like, imagine if a woman had gone down in the Titanic submersible.She would have beat it.She would.She would have.First of all, she would be here now.
She would be on the podcast as a guest.HR.They're touching.
No, she'd be like, I'm sorry, you want to lock me in a room with two men, no cameras for four hours?No.Like,
Would not never in a million years.I'm sorry.It's controlled by a Nintendo joystick.
But also, you want me to go look at a bunch of trash?I got it.Yeah, I got it.Yeah.You know, I got it.
Sorry.My husband leaves that for me every day.
Yeah.Yeah.I don't on the counter.I'm good.You want me to go look at like old, like rotting things?I can look in the mirror every morning before I put makeup on.I just feel like when articles like this come out, this is like we get it.
You guys don't want us to be in your thing.Mm hmm.That's OK.Just say it.You know, you want to make a big deal out of it.Like deter.You don't want ladies steering your battleship. It's called a cockpit for a reason.We got it.
It's not called the cooch pit.You guys don't want us to come play in your tree house.No girls allowed.We got it.We don't want to crash your boy's day on the sea.We're crashing your man cave on the sea.And some women, you know, they do.
And they're making it so you can't make jokes about sperm whales or whatever thing she would call human resources about.I get it.
Maybe she sunk the ship because she got confused about who to listen to because there's nothing serious about voting terminology.She was like, I think this is my boss who's telling me to do this, but he's also called a Skippy.
And he's telling me I'm his mate?
So I think I'm going to do the opposite of someone that calls themselves a Skippy.I'm going to do whatever the opposite of what guy who's like, hi, I'm the Skippy.What?OK, well, I have to take matters into my own hands. All right, I'm a mom now.
I'm going to tell you the truth about stuff.Nothing is more annoying to me than big mom.All these like fake toys that that don't that kids don't like that don't do anything.Look, I got my kid all the things I grew up playing with.Lawn darts.
Turns out.You're not allowed to use those anymore, OK?Jumping around and baby powder. Look down upon frowned upon, frankly.OK, KiwiCo sent me a bunch of stuff.It's the only stuff my son will play with.
OK, KiwiCo takes the same energy of like model rockets, Legos, like fun things that we grew up with, and it puts it into KiwiCo clubs.
These are more than just monthly crates or comprehensive learning journeys that help kids build skills over time in science, technology, engineering, art and math, which we need more than ever, because let's face it, people are getting dumber.
Enter KiwiCo to fix this.With five clubs to choose from, KiwiCo covers everything from building bows and arrows to engineering robots, which, let's be honest, all our kids are going to be doing as a job.As a parent, I love KiwiCo.
It encourages creativity, persistence, curiosity.There's this one thing that he's obsessed with from the steam club and watching him figure it out.It was like so cute to watch.These projects are built to last and they can be used over and over again.
His first favorite KiwiCo thing, it was a box with like a it's hard to explain, but you put a ball in it and then the ball comes out and the ball and he was just like doing it over and over again.I like thousands of toys.
And now this is like favorite thing.It was so simple.It didn't have any weird sharp corner like I could.It just look, my son has very good taste. Do what he does.
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Morgan & Morgan is America's largest injury firm with over 100 offices and more than 1,000 lawyers.They've recovered over $20 billion.How reckless are people driving out there?Christchurch.Do you ever hear that?Christchurch.
Like, why is that in my head? They have recovered 20 billion for 500,000 clients.What is going on out there?Should we not have legalized weed?What is happening?They fight to get people like you full and fair compensation that they deserve.
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For more information, visit forthepeople.com slash Whitney or dial poundlaw, pound 529 from your cell phone.That's forforthepeople.com. slash Whitney or pound law 529.This is a paid advertisement.That leads me to my next topic.You guys.
If you know me at all, and you know my litany of mental challenges, you know that it's hard for me to even say this without laughing hysterically.This just in, we just all found out that there is a sixth ocean.
A new ocean just dropped.
And no one's talking about it, dude.No.OK, while y'all are freaking out about the distractions out, the outrage, I'm in a full existential crisis with this new science that keeps coming out.
I am out here, like, totally losing my... You guys, there's another ocean.I feel like the main reason nobody's talking about this is because it means you would have to list either five oceans and nobody can.
Like Indian, Pacific, Indian, Pacific, Atlantic.Baltic.Arctic.Frank. Mona.Frank Ocean.Oh, Frank Ocean.Jesus.No one thinks this is weird.Last time I yelled that, it was about Tim Walsh and China.It didn't go so well.
But I'm just saying, no one thinks this is weird.I'm not taking on new oceans at the moment.Oceans are just like movie franchises all of a sudden.We don't need six of you. We don't need 20 Fast and Furiouses.We don't need more oceans.
I am just obsessed with these little reminders that we are these tiny inconsequential specks of bacteria who are wasting our lives on the adrenaline junkie distractions when we're only on this earth for 10 minutes in the grand scheme of things.
When you Google Six Ocean, which I do because I'm not a booker for the Republican rally, I Google things. Your algorithm knows right away that you're in a dark place.Just Google Six Ocean better help ads come up, dating apps, suicide hotlines.
This would be a tough download.Do not Google the Six Ocean until you're ready to fully believe that we're in a simulation.Do not proceed into this unless you want to be in a catatonic depression for the rest of time. I don't know.
I I like news that puts things in context.Yeah.It helps me feel better about, you know, me not using my platform to speak out more about appropriating the word spirit animal from the natives.I'm like, is this I'm going to fix it.
You think I'm going to fix it?I never thought that anytime someone asked me to do something like there's a sixth ocean.Yeah.What is this? It's a good way to just stop a conversation.
Correct.Like you need to go into timeout and you need to do some reading.
It's not that big of a deal.There's another ocean we didn't know about.It's actually, yeah, it is.And also what are the chances we know anything if there's just been like this other ocean this whole time?
Have we not dug everywhere?
Dude, I don't, like, this is the kind of thing it's like, you know, Africa is way bigger than it is on the map.
Africa is so much bigger than it is on all the maps, and they made it smaller.In South America, yeah.A racist cartographer did it so that people didn't think it was as big as it was or something.Yeah.I don't know.Get it on alexjones.maps.org.
I just think it's important that at times, when everyone's worrying about stuff that probably doesn't matter, I want to give you something to worry about that actually will matter.You will drown in this.You will probably die in this.
This ocean is, I don't like it.I got my eye on it.
Okay, I I do also believe when things like this happen like everyone's obsessing about the election and the results and all that kind of stuff and I'm just like guys the sixth ocean Like I was definitely the person to pack Like in tribal times like my generate like way way back.
There was like a war and I was the person that was like Alright, when you guys take a break, these are not the berries don't these don't You know what I mean?I don't know why I can't focus on the thing everybody else is focusing on.
I don't know, or maybe we're all disassociating in our own ways.Is this how I'm minimizing the stress of all this other stuff?It could be worse.We could be in the sixth ocean.
I just think we use these ostensibly important things in order to distract ourselves from the horror of how insignificant we are.
completely you know i literally the other day i saw a tiktok about point nemo are you familiar with this don't give me okay middle of the pacific ocean pacific ocean takes up like half of the globe it's fucking huge you should with what i'm about to tell you so point nemo is the loneliest point on earth
Yeah, we're going to talk about it.
It's the furthest away from any like land anywhere you can get.And also it's like this.However, the current I don't know how the currents work, but however the currents work, like nothing can live there.The water is so like this island.
No, it's just a point in the middle of the ocean.It's just like it's just there's no life like all the way down.It's 15000 feet deep.You are closer to the International Space Station if you're at Point Nemo than you are to any land.
Yeah, and it's gonna one day decide to suck us all in there.Yeah, and good for it.Which is fine.Everyone's like, space, space, space.I'm like, careful.No.
Dude, we're all in our bathing suits taking photos of this giant, sociopathic, dark- Malevolent force.Nightmare.Yeah.Full of things with knives coming out of its head.
Not to mention piss and shit.So much piss and shit in the ocean. From humans and creatures.
It's like, NASA has only searched 5% of the ocean, which means 2%.Right.Which means none of it.Right.You know what I mean?Look at the surface.But NASA was like, oh, no thanks.They're like, we'll go to space.But like, this is spooky.
Next topic, even though nothing matters, Hallmark Channel.
The Hallmark Channel executive of programming, Lisa Hamilton, Daily, I don't know, told Googler, told her staff that she did not want to cast old people in the movies saying they did not fit with her image of the channel and there's like a discrimination lawsuit.
I don't know what's happening.I don't, look, it's like Holly Robinson-Pete, Lacey Chabert, they're 60, Lacey Chabert is like 42, saying they were old talent.Here's the thing, first of all, Why is our bar so high for the Hallmark Channel values?
Yeah, let's make a channel out of the most boring aisle in CBS.
Oh, I'm sorry.The channel that you turn on when you took an edible and got too high and need to be reminded that like other human beings exist.
You mean the channel we watch when you forgot every one of your passwords?Right.
Hulu, Netflix. when you're at a hotel feeling sad.
Also, why does a greeting card get a channel?Like, I can't wait to like, like, was the did the cough drop channel?What channels that like, hey, welcome to the post Vicks VapoRub.Like, it's not that the women on Hallmark aren't aging well.
It's just my thing is that the stories in Hallmark movies don't age well. Obviously, women over 40 should star in movies, but Hallmark, not on Hallmark.
OK, it doesn't make much sense because the Hallmark storylines are like not for women in their 40s.
Hallmark movies are always like girl goes home for the holidays and runs into her high school sweetheart at the farmer's market and then and then falls in love and gets married by a mall Santa.
It's like every Hallmark movie is about a girl who goes back to her hometown for a few weeks only to fall in love with who her parents live in nurse.
That's it.She's not meeting the love of her life.She's busy trying to get her aging boomer mom not to fall down the stairs.
Yeah, she's trying to get her name in the will so she can inherit the house and get out of debt.Like Hallmark movies don't make sense for older women.That's not an insult, okay?It's a compliment.
She's going home to make sure that the parents are wearing their life alert necklaces.If you were going to change the Hallmark storyline to actresses over 40, you'd have to be like,
Cute woman leaves the city to return to her hometown, and she she needs to send legal Zoom paperwork from a Kinko's, you know, and there's no Kinko's left because it's a small town.So she has to send a fax, uses her neighbor's house.
OK, the neighbor happens to be her high school love, who is the guy that got her addicted to pills in the first place.
he happens to be the only person in town with a fax machine because plot twist he's a drug dealer and he can't do business in a way that's trackable charm city girl goes to his house to finalize her divorce via fax and one of his children the mother being the local nightmare tina
Bites her.Bites our leading lady.She bleeds a lot because she's 40 and she just started a new fish oil pill that's a complete scam.I don't want to watch women over 40 in Hallmark storylines.It doesn't make any sense.
OK, women over 40, they also they can't be on Hallmark movies.They don't wear mittens.Mittens are for newborn photo shoots, not adult women at the pumpkin patch.Adult women can't wear mittens.OK, we need our hands for opening Werther's Originals.
And pretending to be on the phone when a man is following us.I don't know.Maybe that's what happened to the female boat captain.She was wearing mittens.
Oh my god.The thing just slipped right out of her hand.
When women age out of the Hallmark Channel, I don't think it's prejudice, I think it is a privilege.Take the win.It's also, it's ageist, of course, but this is where we should embrace AI.
Just put Lacey Chabert's head in a 3D printer or whatever it is, make 50 movies about how she left Chicago to come home because her brother's horse got lost, so she had to go buy a gingham plaid dress and sleep in her childhood bedroom, which has not changed a bit, and then go back, you know, get back together with the lumberjack she went to Sadie Hawkins with.
I could do this literally all day. Yeah.Oh.No.Like, if you're in your 40s, you're coming home like, hey, I know we weren't a match.
And we never will be, but do you want to put this in this cup and throw some shmegma into a surrogate and see if we can have a kid to put a stop to this existential crisis we both live in?Like that would be, it'd be like a 10 minute movie.Yeah.
I don't want to watch a woman come home at 45.I don't want to watch a woman.I don't. I don't want to watch a woman get back with her childhood sweetheart at 45.That's my nightmare.Like, hey, I tried to find someone else.
It's so that's so it's so depressing.
It's not so nice.It's not sweet.OK, I guess I'll go back to the guy who fingered me behind an auntie Anne's on field day like that was the best it was.
It was him this whole time.
It's all been downhill from there.
Literally, the only person who's ever loved you was someone with Stockholm syndrome because you both had acne and your braces gashed to scrotum when y'all got too drunk on Zima.Like, this is a bad message.
Also, I feel like the plot twist of every single Hallmark Channel movie is like her dad is also Santa. The first of all, no, he's not.Second of all, the last thing I ever need to see in a romcom ever, whether it's Christmas themed or not, is her dad.
Get him out of here.I don't want.No, unless it's like the movie is Father of the Bride starring Steve Martin.I don't want to see her father.I don't care about that man.But there's got to be a reason for that.
Give him a Miller Lite and put him in a corner.
You know why?It's every movie at the end of the day is a romcom between a girl and her dad.They're like, I know you found the love of your life that you went to prom with, but you know, the one who really got away was your daddy.
Like, it's just like what it's really like in dad, dad, dad, papa.Like, can we outgrow? this thing where we're all in love with our dads.
Also, the mom in the movie, if there's a mom character in the movie, she's always like the evil hag who is trying to ruin this relationship.And it's like, no, she sees that you're a successful 40 year old woman with a thriving business in Chicago.
And she's like, why would you move back to Lincoln?
Don't do that.Don't make the same mistakes I did.
No, you're going to get a yeast infection from my son's dirt ridden nail beds.Don't do it.Go back. You own a condo, Lindsay.And she's the bad guy.Come on.
Love you guys.Happy Halloween.We already said that.I hope no one's dead.Don't ride elephants.
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