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Spring roll, man.Spring roll.Spring roll right here.That's my friend over there, Spring roll.And what we got over there, Samara?I'm beans on toast, that's my friend.Samara.
God damn, you're scary.Samara.Well, cover your face up more.Yeah, yeah, yeah.Yeah.Now that looks good.Yeah.Nice.Ooh.Are you Steve Aoki?I can't tell.What are you doing?
Okay, okay.That looks rad. Are you gonna trick-or-treat?You still trick-or-treat, don't you?
Yeah, it's always fun.Do you trick-or-treat?What?Do you trick-or-treat?
Dude, I haven't trick-or-treated in... I don't really remember the last time.We should go.Is it legal?
Yeah.For us to trick-or-treat?I've never seen adults do it.Let me tell you something.We can only treat.No tricking out of you, bud.Oh, I love tricking.You can't be tricking in them streets.Only treats, Mike.Only treats, boo.Ding dong, beans on toast!
Ding dong, beans on toast!Here we go with beans on toast!
When you do this, I do it.You know who we're fans of?Arsenal Football Club!We're the Gooners!Ding dong, beans on toast!Oh my god, you're on fire today.Love it.I love it.Honestly?Yeah.Best costume I've ever had.This rivals when I was a kid, I was...
What is it?Little orph- Wait, no no no.Andy.Andy?No, Andy.Andy and... Raggedy Ann and Andy.Look up that.My mom made me wear this one time.You didn't choose that?Your parents did.My mother put me as Raggedy- Andy from Raggedy Ann and Andy.
She didn't need to do much.
What did you just say?Yeah, what'd you say, man? You think I got a triangle nose?Is that what you're trying to say, dude?I got a big red triangle nose?You know who these two guys are.You know who they are?I know what it is.Who?Let me guess.
Wait, let her guess.I get a guess too.Yeah, who do you think Fancy and Carlos are?
Yeah, they're wearing the costume.That's the clue.I think Andres is a city porg. You know what I mean?Like, a poor guy got off that planet.Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.And then got a job in the city.Do you not know who they are?
Dude, this is such a great opportunity.
I know what it is.What are they?Burt and Ernie.That's right.Because they're gay.Whoa, that laugh, dude.Pretty close.No, dude, they're the Menendez brothers.Oh, they are?Yeah.Oh, wow.They're good.Is it Lyle and Eric?Which one's which?
Eric is the handsome one, so neither of you.So you're both Lyle.Just two Lyles.And then McCone is Hannibal Lecter?I don't know.What are you doing?
I just wanted to muffle him.
What'd you want to do?All these years, you still can't get a joke out.I wanted to muffle him.Get it out, idiot.What is it?Muffle him.Muffle him.I wanted to muffle him. He's Hannibal Lecter.That looks actually rad.
Stand up on the box real fast so we can see the... Wow.Wow.Yeah, that looks cool.
Don't wink.Dude, that is such a creepy costume.I like that a lot.It's pretty good.Where'd you get the mask at?
Okay.Well, you bought it from him?
He asked you.Where did you get the mask from?Easy opportunity for a joke.He goes right to Amazon.Yeah, yeah. Don't do it so literal.Where'd you get the mask from?Let's do it again.
Let's try to get another joke out, right?
Yeah.Where'd you get the mask from?
The podcast network?Yeah.Shakura had it?
No, your mom's house in Phoenix.
Oh, that's an interesting approach.
I don't know if that's gonna work for you, bud.Yeah, that's not gonna work.No.That made me mad.
I've been to her house.Yeah, yeah, yeah.I've texted with her.It makes sense.
Where'd you get the mask at?Try it again.
Oh, down in Essex, where you live.
I see why these guys aren't comedy writers.
Jesus Christ.Holy shit. He's Spring Roll, Jelly Roll's second cousin.Yeah.Spring Roll.Spring Roll.What's his famous song?What's the one he sings?I don't know.
Jelly Roll, why can't I think of it?I did do a show with him.I mean, it was on a show that he was on.And what a nice guy, Jelly Roll.
What's the name of the song?Can we hear it?Save Me, that's the one.Save Me is really famous, right?I don't know.I wanna hear it, yeah.
You wanna hear it?Just for a second.I know what you're gonna do. Could I take your instincts?No.Yeah, let me guess your comedy instincts right now.Oh, no.Yeah.No.I know.Okay, go do it.Play it.Let's see it.Play it.
Someone to save me.Save me from myself.I was waiting to catch you off guard.Yeah.
Oh, that's so good.That worked.Yeah, that was really good.
Do you beat me to the come on spring roll let me hear you I don't even know what the song is someone to help have someone save me save me from myself save me from myself yeah oh can I just tell you what ladies and gentlemen spring roll save me from myself I gotta tell you what's going on with me okay
Happy birthday, by the way.I love you, thank you so much.What are you gonna tell me?What's going on?Why am I?I wanna hear it, but can I also clear the air with something else?Okay.To the boys and you.
Bobby sent me the nicest text I've ever gotten on my birthday.
The nicest text I've ever gotten on my birthday.The nicest.
Read it.You want me to read it to everybody?Yeah, I'm gonna read it.All right. And I'm gonna tell you why I sent that.
Okay, here we go.By the way, people still think I gave you a quarter million dollar check.
Are people the dumbest people on earth?
They're great.No, I love our fans, but what are we talking about?Do you guys really think I gave him a fucking, what are you talking about?All right, here we go.No, no, no, don't do that.
Don't do that, don't do that.No, no, I'm sorry.
Don't do that.All right, I apologize. Happy birthday, Andrew.I just want to say you're one of my favorite people I've ever met.You're not only a friend, but family to me.You've been by my side during my toughest moments, and I'll never forget it.
That being said, no object can hold more value than my heartfelt words, and therefore, I've gone with a non-materialistic approach to your gift this year.In quotes, your gift is coming.I love you, and happy birthday, brother.
And I wrote back, who wrote this? I wrote, I love you so much.I appreciate you.I knew it took you a long time because it was really good.I appreciate your friendship more than I can say.You're my family forever.And then we texted a little more.
And then he sent a picture of a throw up, vomit.
I'm going to tell you about what's going on for me.
What are you doing?What is going on?
You're taking ozempic for no, no, let's just can we just go but let's rewind.Okay, go ahead Okay, can I rewind a little bit?Okay.
First of all, I have a couple of great announcements to make I thought I think the penguins the one of the best shows i've ever seen you do have you seen it?No, that episode was Very good.
Okay, don't tell him don't give it.I haven't seen it yet.I've been watching very good great British bacon.Have you seen it?Okay, that's a great one, too.
I'm on my GBB dude me to do do welcome to the great British baking show It's me beans on toast today.You're gonna be cooking a profiterole with a little bit of filling
All right, so that was good.
Sorry.I do love this show.Yeah, I love it.It's such a good show.Okay.
When that guy got the handshake.I almost cried.I cried too.It was unbelievable.He was in shock.So emotional.Yeah, yeah, yeah.Paul Hollywood.It was the Gochujang.The Gochujang biscuits.Biscuits.And he goes, I've never tasted anything like this before.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.And he also rolled them up like they're perfectly formed.They were perfectly formed.Yeah, yeah.
He goes, you'll sell a million of those. He should yeah, yeah, can we get Paul Hollywood on this show probably not or prue?Anyway, but you think penguin number one a great show so I need to watch it.Yeah, Colin Farrell and no no Don't throw.
Are you gonna throw up God?I?Mentioned Colin Farrell he throws up Because I want to suck his dick so bad my mouth gets lube that good of an actor.
Oh Bye, oh my god All right
Mmm.It's gonna be a tough episode.It's gonna be great.Are you gonna throw up again?Please don't Halloween.I'm gonna yak if you thought it's all please don't do it What?If you throw up I'll throw up I'm serious don't do it.
Please don't throw up I'm already getting moist mouth anyway Was I always the Romulus Oh no, let's go back to the penguin.Sorry.Are these announcements?Yeah, I'm gonna make it up.Yeah, yeah.Alright.Well, let me just do it.Okay.Oh yeah, yeah.Whatever.
But the real star of the character is Sophia Falcone.You fall in love with this character.
Yeah, yeah.The name is incredible.Yeah.This woman, I mean- Oh, I love her!She kills it.She's from, um... Yes, yeah, I like that
Oh yeah, Kristen Miloti.Yeah, she kills it.She's fucking awesome.
Her character is so, anyway, let's go back to, okay, so then Alien Romulus was pretty good too.Anyway, let's go back to what was going on.Oh yeah, so I'll get to the vomit in a second.Can't wait.Okay, so then you know what happened.
So I was in, for the last 10 days I've been in Canada. In the woods?Yeah, in three hours north of Toronto.And I was bamboozled into doing something, a favor for a friend, which is an extreme camping thing.But you can't talk about it.
I can't talk about it, yeah, because it was like one of the most miserable human experiences of my life.I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I was frozen solid. wet all the time.It kept raining.It was just fucking terrible.Damn.
And I learned how to make traps.I learned how to make a tent.What's so funny?
Squirrel traps?What?What, for food?No, pussy traps.
Oh.No, no, no.Oh, nice.No, no, no.You just laid money out all over the place?No, no, no.Well, they put this granola.You take a piece of rock.
There's no way you know how to do that.
I know, but you forgot it already.
I did a different thing.What?I made it my own.Okay.I took the granola out.Yeah.I put candy corn.You just ate the granola?So I can trap dwarves. Catch a Brad Williams.Yeah, so I thought I think you should be switch them out.
Oh, that's smart.Yeah Yeah, so anyway, I would be so funny to watch Bobby setting up a trap in the woods And they're like where's all the granola?He just ate all the granola out of the traps.Yeah.
Yeah, what happened?um So I didn't sleep for like 10 days.Jesus.I got in a fight with- Somebody.I don't give a fuck, Robert Kelly.Jim Norton was the only one I didn't get in a fight with.Yamanika I fought with, I fought with the producer.
The director.It was bad.Wow.And so then last night I raced to Toronto to get on the flight, flew here, and then my Ozempic was ready. But so I decided- What, do they gotta cook it up?It's like meth, what do you mean it's ready?
Yeah, they put it in a fryer.
Deep fried, they deep fried.You have deep fried Osefe?
So- So what happened was, um.Come get your Ozepic, baby.Yeah, yeah, yeah.So what happened was, the pharmacy was ready for it, so I went, in my mind, it was the dumbest move I've ever made.I go, I'm just gonna gorge now.
You're gonna eat as much as you can.Right now, right?And then so I ate a lot, like a burrito and taquitos, potato taquitos.Yeah.Oh my God, I could just taste the taquitos.Stop it.Like right here.Don't do it.Okay.
Okay, so then I I put things in pink in but I hadn't digested all the food But I haven't also slept in week.So I go I'm gonna sleep but while I was sleeping I
I tasted um what I'm tasting now, which is potato taco taquitos Right yeah, and I was laying on my back, and I went you know like you know I know we know Alien Romulan let's go back to alien Romulus right you know when the fucking were punctures No, you know it is better.
You know the androids in alien Romulus when they get punctured that little white fluid comes out of their mouth Yes
I'm saying yes so we can move on.I have no idea. You feel it, you taste it in your mouth.
Yeah, so I was like, and I just literally, and ask anyone.I don't have to ask anyone.I don't know who you would ask.Ask them all.Ask everybody.Okay.I've never vomited.Has he ever vomited?No one's ever seen me vomit.
Because I don't do it.I diarrhea all the time.
That's my thing.That's your thing.Yeah, I go the other end.Yeah.The other end, I'm pro.This is closed.Closed off.That thing's wide open.Yeah, wide open. So then I raced over here and it's like, so I don't know.
Wait a minute, you know you can't eat full burritos and then go to bed too.That's also bad, outside of Ozempic.You're not supposed to like eat and then go to sleep.
Right, double failure.So are you on a regimented dose now of Ozempic?
Well, do you want to hear the story?
Yeah, that's why I asked you.
It was something that I was gonna keep a secret.Let it out.Okay, I was with a woman.We have to.Go on.We're making out.First base. Then she stopped.Yeah.Yeah.Yeah.Her body, her choice.Her body, her choice.Her body, her choice.Her body, her choice.
And then she looked and she goes, I just, I'm not attracted to you.Yep. No, yeah, no, that's boo she called you and I go oh You didn't realize until that moment, okay?
Yeah, that was yeah the Menendez killers are hard dude, dude.I swear to God dude.That was good That was I'm gonna let you have that one.Yeah, I'll tell you why I liked it.It came out smoothly Yeah, finally.Yeah, it the delivery was perfect.
He didn't miss a beat.Yeah, you didn't miss a beat and I'll tell you another thing.
Yeah, it hurt bad.Yeah real bad.So wait a minute.Did you have did you insult her?She said you're fat.Did you insult her back?
No, I go, oh, well then, okay.
No, you gotta take a shot back at her.
And then, um, like what?I don't know, I don't, I don't, I have to see her.With your beautiful face?No.Oh yeah, that's not good, right?No, that's not gonna do it.
No, I, you know, I just kind of contemplated and I went, oh, I think I have to lose weight. Because a woman called you fat?I've been also seeing it, feeling it, like, you know what I mean?Like, as photos of me on stage.Yeah.You know what I mean?
It just doesn't look right to me.
Well, we Photoshop those.We make you look fatter on those on purpose.
You know, like all the ones that you try to put on, then I go, you gotta take that off.You know, it's been an issue for like a year because I'm like, I don't like the way I look.A year?See you later, Gary.
She didn't realize it until then.
It hurts.It hurts again.Thank you.
Wait a minute.You're beautiful just the way you are.Shut up.No, you are.I'm done.But I also don't want you- I'm on it.Ozempic is bad.It's not bad.Yeah, it is.Because you're going to get off and they say as soon as you get off, it's bad news bears.
I'm not going to get off it.You going to stay on it for life?I don't know, dude.I don't know what else to do.
But you're not even fat, Fatty.
Thank you.You're not fat.
You do look good.That's not what she said.Who the fuck is she?She has eyeballs.We have eyeballs.Yeah, but your eyeballs come with already a feeling. That's right.Right.
Yeah, because I want to, because I feel people, I don't, you don't just judge based on one thing.
No, but we have history and there's a relationship that goes beyond a non-sexual.And maybe she needs to create that.That has nothing to do with looks.Maybe she needs to create that with you.Right, but she didn't.Well, then so why listen to her?
She was the only one that complained, what about the other girls?
That's exactly right.There's other girls that have said like, um, you could lose some weight.She said you could lose some weight?She was calling her doctor to see if she can get me, it was a big that, like this was six months ago.Rush Ozempek?
Yeah, she's like, I'm gonna call my doctors to get you it now. Wow.And I was like, Oh, are there people selling the Oz on the streets?Huh?It's hard to get that they're running out of it.I'm just dude, 10 days of survival, you know what I mean?
And then you made it this, you know what I mean?Because we're going to Australia and New Zealand and but we have 10 days before Singapore.I'm not doing anything between.Yeah, I'm going to rest my body.
Well, or exercise, whatever.
But anyway, so that's why- I don't like that somebody called you fat because it hurt your feelings, obviously.Why don't you call someone in this room fat to make it fair?I mean- But really hit him.Really hit him.
Really really yeah hit him hard dude.Yeah, it's like when you take marshmallow and you over microwave it Where bubbles you know I mean yeah, yeah, and what delicious yeah, but you that's not a human body That shouldn't be a human body.
I was watching the Great British Baking Show.I'm sorry, that wasn't even, it wasn't even funny what I did.
It was funny.Cut it out.That was so mean.I'm watching the Great British Baking Show.You know when they're like, they kneading the bread and then they put it in the proofing drawer, it has to proof and rise, you know?
The guy opened the drawer, I'm not kidding, as it proofed.I saw the show.In rows.
And I pointed and I go, Andres, there's fancy.My little proofing drawer.
Is that a better slam?Way better.Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you know what the funny thing is is that I mean, that's the only thing that I can get you with is your pork tits Cuz everything else is there's a beautiful wife and a beautiful daughter.
That's how you have Yeah, you have your whole you have a great life, and it's a been a pleasure working with you And you're a talented director, and I don't think we'd be able to do the show without you Adam and Eve hey listen, what's that?
Oh, that's somebody walking towards me.
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I read a book about a Korean boy and he was living in Minnesota.What happened?What's going on?You read this book?
I feel like it sounds familiar Yeah, is this yeah, he's walking toward the field Because during this during the winter John Carpenter book it is.Yeah.Yeah, I remember the winters You know, I mean, it's like a snowy snowy field.It's ice skating rink.
I see it.There's a Zamboni and a shed.There's a Zamboni Out in a field?No, but there's a gigantic shed that a Zamboni is, that they put it.
And during the summers, a man who has mental disabilities, you know what I mean, is taking care, like mowing the lawns during the summer.Right.And take care of the Zamboni.In the field.Yeah, and he has candy in this shed.How much, what kind?A lot.
The good kind.The good kind.Yeah, dip and dips.Dip and dips?Yeah, yeah.So no dots, just dips?Yeah, yeah, just dip, dip, dip.Just the dipsticks?Dipsticks, yeah. Later I found out it was his penis.But yeah, it was a great book.Great book.
Oh my gosh.Happy birthday to you.Happy birthday to you.Happy birthday dear Tito Andrew.
Happy birthday to you.You're not wearing any underwear, McCone.It's hot.Okay. The smoke alarm's gonna go off.Yeah, yeah, yeah.It's okay.
Happy birthday to you.Happy birthday, dear Andrew.Happy birthday to you.Thank you.
41, huh?How's it feel?You don't want to get kidnapped, do you?This is awesome.This is a Rudy cake.Yeah.Is this, you guys put this knife in there?This came like this?Uh-huh.
That's so- Is it a high-end cake?Yes.
Whoa.We only get- Do you get photos of this?
This is so dope.What does it say down there?Happy birthday, Santino.Oh, that's amazing.Can we eat this?Yes.Yeah.Wow.
Whoa.Wow.Probably a couple bites.Yeah.Well, you got to cut it up.Is this gutsy?
This cake goes well with your something.Wow.
Okay, you're so funny today.You're on fire.
Wow.What a nice shirt, dude.For golfing.That's a great shirt, dude. That's a great shirt.
Who did this?You did this?Wow.
That is dope.You guys have the receipt?
Thank you.This is awesome.
I forgot, what'd you get me?What?No, I'm not mad.We got you the cool butterfly cake.Yeah, yeah, yeah.That was.No, I'm not mad.No, I'm not mad.That was dope.No, I'm not mad.It's probably my behavior. No, no, no, let's get, no, I'm not mad.
It's probably my behavior.No one said you were.Okay, so let me just get this out of the oven.I'm not mad, okay?Yeah, I know, enjoy your cake.So I got nothing, but it's fine, right?
It's fine, it's fine, right?And it's something, that's okay.But it's probably something that I've done wrong.Wow.
That cake is really cool.
It really hurts my feelings. What's up, why are you laughing?
Rudy got you a lot of cool things for your birthday.Yeah, the ashtray.Cutting my cake.
Rudy, come here, get a big piece.I mean, how is this?What a great cake.Thank you guys.
Happy Halloween.Happy Halloween.Happy Halloween.Can we talk about our favorite horror movies?
Ooh, yes.What would be yours?My favorite horror movie of all time is White Chicks.Yeah, they're pretty scary.
Ooh.What's your favorite horror movie?Well, I said for years Hereditary, but I think the best movie is Let the Right One In.Let the Right One In.
You know what I'm saying?
Why do you say it like that?Let the right one in.Why are you saying it like that?You saw it?That's a movie.You saw it.
Now that is a movie.What's it about?I'll tell you exactly what, have you ever seen Let the Right One In?
It's so good.What's it about?What's it about?
It's about a white person.Ooh, that's, yes.
That is true.It is about a white.Yeah, yeah.
And he only lets the right ones in.
Right, so he's a bouncer at a nightclub.Yeah.And a guy comes up and he's like, sir, no baseball hats, no jean shorts. You know, and he, that's what happens.It's a bouncer at a nightclub.No, I thought it was about a Southern country club.
It's a Southern, it's a bouncer at a Southern country club.
Country club.In the 1960s.Yeah, he's a bouncer at a country club.Yeah, yeah.And it's like, nah.Nah.He says that a lot.Nah.Nah.And then we have our own clubs.Yeah.What do you mean? That's what the movie's about.
And so he has to choose which one he lets in.Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he lets the right one in.Come on, man!
No baseball hats, pal.Okay, all right.Sorry.
That's not what it's about.There's a dress code.Yeah.What is it about?
Real or joking either way at this point at this point yeah, what?Jesus are you gonna puke no, I'm fine, okay, but um oh It's considered, if you look up the scariest, the best vampire movies of all time, it's probably either one or two in every list.
Yeah.Better than Dracula.Probably in the one or two, if you say the greatest vampire movies, probably top three.
Type in greatest vampire movie of all time.From Dust Till Dawn, Interview with the Vampire, Dracula.That's the list.No, no, that's just...
Go down to like Mojo or like any of the lists, like they have a list.
Okay.25 best vampire movies of all time.All right, number one.Or 20, no, that's 25.No, Nosferatu.Yeah, that's great.Go to two.Thirst.Go to one.Bram Stoker's Dracula.
What did I say?Go to four.Dracula.Go to four.Bram Stoker.Go to four.
Number one, Dracula. afflicted.Five.Fuck.Six.Near dark.Yeah.Oh yeah.There it is.Let the right one in.So sixth.Top six.Not even top five.Okay.And mine was number one.Dracula, number one.Yeah, but I would, I still would, in my opinion.
This is better than Dracula.
Thank you so much.No chance.Bram Stoker. Yeah, Bram Stoker.This movie... Bram... Two words, pal.Bram Stoker.Go down.Look at him.Right.Hey, bud.Bram Stoker.Is that Will Ferrell?
Yeah.It's the same character that he was in in... No, Francis Ford Coppola did that.
It's a Coppola movie.Yeah.It's the best.Yeah, I mean, it's probably the second best.Megalopolis is number one. So can I tell you what the little one, Ryan one is about?Yeah.It's a young Swedish boy.Okay.
In the 19, probably seventies, probably early eighties.It seems like the seventies.
Alfredson.Yes.Little Swedish boy.Yeah.
And he's a single mom.You can tell that he's been bullied.People have picked on me. Oscar.You're on fire today.I get to picket on today.I'm so glad.So, um, so he's being picked on.Stop.Yeah.Yeah.Stop.
And he goes outside and what he does, he has no friends.
I don't have any friends.
Yeah.Now I'm you.Yeah.Just little Swedish boy.Don't have any friends.So he's at nights he's, he stands outside and he takes that little knife.I will stand outside with little knife.Yeah.And he stabs a tree.I killed a tree.
And he, as if he's fighting back the bullies.Oh wow.
Yeah, but at the same time he sees that there's somebody moving in to an apartment and he sees an old man and a little girl move into apartment and then he looks up and it's at night and he sees the old man put cardboard on the windows, no light gets in.
And then a couple of nights later... Cardboard.So no light gets in?Cardboard or light would still get through.Like newspapers, cardboard, there's layers.
Newspaper wouldn't do it either.Yeah, if you do layers though?A couple layers of duvetyne, maybe some blackout.Okay, okay, okay.
I mean, it's really tough.
Blackout light completely is really hard.
I've been trying it for years.Dude, you're on fire today, dude.Well, I kidnapped this... Your instincts?
Every instinct is the right instinct.Wow.So tell me.
I am telling you but then you but you're sick, but here's what I why I don't want to tell you because I'm doing comedy stuff No, you know not just comedy stuff right is I'm telling you I didn't control It was I the set designer for the fucking movie wish you were I know but I didn't raise my head, dude We should get we should get fucking light blockers
I didn't know what to call it, what's that?
Whatever, you know what I mean?That's why they wouldn't hire me.You know what I mean?You think this is one of the best vampire movies of all time?I'm not done with the fucking description of the fucking movie, guy.Alright, so any, what?Boring?
This guy's putting cardboard up in the windows to block out the light.Right.Then?Then, the next night, the kids out there... And Oscar.Yeah.And he looks and there's like a there's like a jungle Jimmy kind of area.
Oh, and he looks and there's a there's the girl on top of the jungle gym barefoot.Right.You know, I mean, and they start talking.She's just on the top.Yeah, she's on top.Right.And then they form a relationship.I mean, they become friends.How old?
Like we're talking eight, eight to ten.Yeah.And horrible years.
And then she tells him, That's when I started having crushes, eight to 10.Formidable years.
When you're on fire like this and I'm not, I like it.You're cruising.Yeah, I'm cruising for a bruising.
Do you remember when you were like eight to 10 when there was like, that's when there was one girl in class who had boobs.Do you remember that?Do you remember her name?Dude. Do you remember her name?
There's always one girl by like I saw it In yeah when you're like in fifth grade play in my fifth year.
I played Huckleberry Finn who had the boobs No, I didn't know her name You don't know her name, but I walked into a room that wasn't walking and one girl had her shirt off cuz she was changing uh-huh you're right, and I saw them right and I
Magnificent, it was you.At the time, my friend.Was that where the Italian?It was like a spiritual awakening.Wow.You know, it was like, I'd never seen boobs before, live.Live boobs.Like my mom's.Right.
The yellow shriveled up pieces of shit boobs she had, you know what I mean?Anyway, custard used to come out of that. Anyway, no, they're beautiful boobs, mom.I love you, mom.But yeah, so when I remember, when's the first time you saw boobs?
The first time I saw a nice set of boobs.Well, I'm just saying the first girl when we were in like fifth grade that had boobs.That's what I mean.That story reminded me.
I remember when girls started to get boobs and I thought, whoa, they just keep going, huh?Whoa, gnarly.Whoa.Intense.I wonder what they look like.Yeah.The first time I saw boobs in real life, 26, 27.Oh, wow, wow, wow.
Oh, wow, late bloomer.I remember my first pube.Do you? Yeah, dude, and I celebrated.Did you?I howled in the night, because I was 17.Yeah.And everyone had already had done it in their 15.Everyone already had them.
So I thought I had a mutation, or there was genetically something wrong with me.You still don't have a lot of pubes.You're pretty, you're not with hair.Yeah, yeah, yeah.When I had the one, I was, it was, I celebrated. They kept growing in.
I was so happy.How stoked were you?I was so stoked.Add some fuzz down there.Remember the first time KUM came out?
Yeah.You do?Kinda.What do you mean kind of?I've never told you the story about when I was I used to love watching Beverly Hills Cop.
I loved that movie.And then there was a song in it.The heat is on.The heat is on.Down the street.
I know the song, I've seen the movie.Yeah.When I first started wanking.Serge.That song was Serge.Killed that movie.Yeah.With Bronson Pinchot.
When I first started jerking off, that song was in my head. Okay, the heat is on I Swear to God over that when I would come Can you feel it yeah, I swear to God my song was and so now Pavlovian if you play that song now boom I'll come everywhere.
It's it's close to yours Eddie Murphy.I
My girl likes to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time.
You don't know these songs, do you?No.Are we gonna trick-or-treat this year?Let's do it.I would love to.Remember when we used to throw eggs at houses when we trick-or-treated?Yeah.Did you ever do that?
Yeah.Were you a bad boy at San Diego?I TP'd and egged my own house. I was too afraid to like get in trouble.Yeah, so I just did my own house, and I had to clean it the next day Your dad would come outside clean it.
Yeah, he let me I told him I was gonna do it you egged your own house Yeah, but you have to clean next day, so I cleaned up my brother and I Steve cleaned it next day
Here's another thing just has nothing to do with Halloween that I've been obsessed with on the YouTube what is So there's this lady.She's like a classically trained woman.
She has an accent I think she's from like some village somewhere, but she's a classically trained And she's never listened to rock and roll before Oh, they play her the song for the first time?No, so she'll let go.
Okay, today I'm going to... A song by a band called Queen.Right.Right?Bohemian Rhapsody.And she plays it?And she listens to it.And it's so interesting to see her... That's her, Virgin Rock, I mean.That's her.
And then she played Paranoid Android by Radiohead.Wow.Yeah, and it's really interesting her reactions to, you know what I mean, like listening to rock and roll for the very first time.
Now, what's wrong with her that she hasn't heard any of this stuff?Is it because she's just not, it just doesn't- She hated Nine Inch Nails, though.Didn't like Closer?
Yeah, she's like, it's ugly.She goes, it's sexual, but not in a good way.It's beautiful.No, it's gorgeous.I know, it's like, I wanna penetrate you.I wanna complicate you.I wanna violate you.
Oh, it's such a good song.Tool, Sober.Yeah, great song.I mean, it's just interesting to hear her.Even Simon & Garfunkel, she had never heard of.How?I know that.I can't, you know, I don't even know.Yeah, we believe it though.
Well, we can't hear any of them.No, no, we can't do it.No, but I'm just saying it's just an interesting.No, that is really cool.To see, you know, someone's real reaction to it.
Wow.And by the way, only 19,000 views.So you're, you're, you're getting in this niche.This is.
Oh, I'm a niche guy.You're a niche guy.Oh my God.Things.Oh my God.Can I tell you what happened?Yeah.About niche.Yeah.Giving niche.
The first night we were at this camping trip, we were not actually camping.We're at a restaurant for the first night.Just eating?Yeah.And Yamanika, black female comic, one of the funniest people on planet earth in New York.
And she was talking about algorithms.So then I told her about me and Carlos's algorithm.Is that her cousin? Very funny.And then I, very funny.Thanks.Very good.
And I go, and I showed her a video that I would watch, and it was an African man eating a monkey.And she saw it.
That's not in her algorithm?
You showed her a video of an African man eating a monkey.She started crying.Yeah.What?At the table.
She got mad at you because you showed her a video of a man eating a monkey.Yeah.Why would you show her that?I was giving her an example of my algorithms.Oh, okay.
I shouldn't eat this.Can you take this away?
Yeah, please, please, please, before it makes me throw up.
You got into a big fight with her?
Not only that, she refused to eat dinner. because of the monkey eating video.Yeah, I couldn't believe it.Well, yeah.And then Bobby Kelly, I don't know why he would do this.He just got found monkey toys.No.Yeah, like 20 minutes later.
Just playing them?And he just played it just randomly. And then me and Jim and Robert Kelly laughed to the point where we had to leave, because we're in a room.We had to leave the room and we were in this hallway, side, you know what I mean?
And she just sitting there, you know what I mean?Pissed.Yeah, but then we were laughing so hard, like uncontrollably, where I couldn't breathe.Like we could not breathe, right?Even Norton.Is she still mad at you?No, then she starts laughing.
And that's how. That breaks it up.
That breaks it up.As long as you go far enough there that she laughs to bring it back.
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What are you doing?I'm not kidding when I say this.You have to finish that cake.You took a big piece.Yeah, it's not right.
You took that piece.I didn't do that.It's not right.
But I just wanted to say on TikTok, you can also watch porn in it.
Like my grandpa from the Philippines.Here we go, here we go, here we go.
Yeah, here we go.We know all the tidbits about TikTok.Wait, your grandfather watches porn on TikTok?
Yeah, that's what my mom says.Like, oh, he's watching porn again on TikTok.
Can you not just watch it on regular internet?
Yeah, he likes TikTok.You can watch porn on TikTok?I don't think so.I think you can do it on Twitter.Twitter has porn stuff.
I'll tell you what's incredible, by the way.Here I was in my hotel in like Kentucky or Indiana or whatever.Do you know about this?Yeah, tell me about this thing.A lot of these states, they block porn. You can't watch it.
Like you go, if you go to Pornhub, they block it.You have to, you have to do, look it up.
You have to do like a- VPN, VPN.
Yeah, yeah.But I didn't have a VPN on my new phone.So you have to log in and register.Pornhub is blocked in Texas.All these places are they, they want- Yeah, but not all sites. Almost all of them.Like paid sites?
Well, I called Greg Fitzsimmons and he told me the ones to find.He was like, I got the site.Yeah, I have the site.
Yeah, the webcam still works.
Yeah, but look, Texas, Missouri, Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Virginia, North Carolina, and Utah, they blocked Pornhub.They want you to log in with your information. So you can watch porn?
Yeah, they do that now here.There's a whole new security check in even California.
No, I can turn on Pornhub right now.
Not in the sites that I have.I have to go through five processes to even get on now.
We gotta log in, you gotta do like a retinal scan to get in?I have to do a face scan and then, what?Thumbprints, you have to do a thumbprint?Yeah, yeah, yeah.All that.Bobby Lee, welcome back for the seventh time today.
Good.But just a side note too.So we were three hours north in Canada, and you know, the producer's base camp was at a college, this remote college in the woods.A college in the woods is so hot.
And it was late at night, and there was a security guard, and he came down with Bad Friends t-shirts, and he... I'd never seen a man so shocked and happy to see me.To see you. How cute.
Yeah, it was just really- Bobby A, I can't believe you're here, bud.
Yeah, it was- All the way in the woods with us at our college?Yeah, it was like that.It was cool.Wow.
Now, do people ask you, hey, where's Andrew?Yeah, all the time.They ask me where's Bobby every- As if you're- Where I go.
The guy in Cleveland.Hey, man.Hey, man.Yeah.Big fan.Thanks, man.Where's Bobby?Yeah.I don't know, man. We're two different guys.I know I don't know where you are.You know what's so funny.
I do know where you are pretty much all the time What's going on?
They're ready anyway, so um we have a guest.Oh, we have a special guy It's a guy that um I've done his show have you done his internet.I did a show I did I did a new show I did the old show well.Let's see goblakon.
Show them where to go, McCone.Yeah, yeah.John Goblikon is here.John Goblikon's here, dude.Wow.Wow, John, yeah, John.Woo!Give him a round of applause, John Goblikon.Wow.Wow.What's up, John?
Wow!Yeah.Okay, everyone looks a little different than I remember.
Like, who am I, John, you think?It's Halloween.Who are you?Yeah, yeah, yeah.Like, I'm dressed as somebody.
Oh, okay.You're a juggalo without the makeup.
Very good.Very close. Uh, you've disappointed your parents.
Yeah, yeah.Very good.Yeah, good.Yeah, yeah, yeah.Are you talking about me or the character I'm playing?Because those are both true for me.
It seems like it's both true.
You're Bobby Lee who just got a tattoo, correct?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.Wow.
He's on Ozempic.Yeah, Ozempic.Burps.This is the Oz kicking in, baby.And then what about her?
What do you think she is?
A lot of s'mores set.Yes.Yeah.Very good.Very good.Very good.
You got one, dude.And- What am I?Yeah.Oh, okay.White bread and, I mean, kind of look like a golf caddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Okay.Yeah, yeah, yeah.That's it.That's good.A golf caddy.Yeah, that's it.Or a Wonder Bread tournament.That's it.
Yeah, that's it, that's it, that's it.John Goblakon, everybody.John Goblakon.Now, your fingers are very long, John.Yeah.Yeah, yeah, yeah.Thank you.Yeah, I'm worried about popping this.I don't want to get too excited.
Sometimes I get nervous and I grip it, but I didn't know you guys had, these are what I have in my home.
Yeah, this is a kind of- Are the other limbs that long, or?Are the other limbs?
Do you have long toes?He's saying do you have long toes.
Oh, yeah, I mean These are these are nine and a half.
Yeah, yeah bigger than you.Yeah, I'm nine Yeah, he's a half-size bigger.What that speaks volumes does how are your other limbs Bobby?
My limbs are Well, they're fine.Well, he's on Ozempic.I froze up there for a second.
That was the Ozempic.No, that's not the Ozempic.What I want to say is, let me give you that, ask me again.
What are your, hey Bobby, what are your other limbs like?
Oh, no, good.He did a retake to go with fine.I like that.Let's go with take two.
Take two.Yeah, let's go with take two, yeah.
How about one more, one more, one more, one more.Just this one.
Yeah, yeah.Hey, Bobby.Proportional to my body.That's what I wanted to say.Yeah, I froze up.Proportional to my body.And to your guests on your show, who's the biggest guest you've ever had?
Mr. Podcast Andrew Santino.Yeah.
Thank you, John.Thank you, John.Yeah.Yeah, who's the second?Probably a DJ, you know?He had some DJs, yeah.So you've had, what, Dylan Francis on?Yeah, that was him.Yeah, yeah.
He had Dylan Francis on.His favorite instrument?
The laptop.That's what he does.The DJs, they're just pressing a button.But I had Bobby on.
And I'm glad I'm here, you know?I'm glad me being a goblin, my culture can be all of your comedy on Halloween.Sorry.But I'm happy I'm here because I want to clear the air, okay?
You came on my podcast, broke my set, flipped the table, kicked over my Southwestern egg rolls.
And we kind of left on a sour note.
I think the problem was that you brought, when I came, you had egg rolls. Southwestern.
Which is kind of, you are a Southwestern egg roll.You're from San Diego.That is true.That's perfect.That is actually perfect.You are my little Southwestern egg.
So he was doing that to compliment you, and here you are, then you... Yeah, I took it as a... Insult.An insult.Yeah.
Oh, okay.You know what?In retrospect, am I bad, and I apologize.
No, yeah, because it would kind of be like me, a green guy walking in here, and you just having like another fat, deformed green guy on your desk or something.It would be like that kind of offensive.
Do you think it would be like that kind of offensive, Bobby? Do you think it would be like me, a guy with self-conscious of his teeth?
Just leave it.You know how many people in high school- We should have been more mindful.
We're like, oh look, there goes Slimer.Oh, right, right, right.You know, hell. many times, people would say that to me.I'd say, Tito, did you do this?
Honestly, if you really want to know the truth about this, this is new to us.She put that on the desk.Yes, she did.Yes, she did.Yes, she did.
You ought to know.Yes.The law is worse than that.I like it.
What she said was, I was at the CVS and I got a John Goblikon statue.I'm like, that's not John Goblikon. She was trying to- Oh, you were trying to get a John- Oh!
Walt said you- That's what she thought, so- Oh, we do have John Gobblecon Plushies available right now!Are you guys going to do the graphics for me like I do on my show? That's kind of like my thing now.Yeah, they will.
It's kind of like, that's my like, you might be a redneck, mine is right now.Yeah.
I like it, because the name of the show is Right Now.It's a good show.
Wow.Yeah.It's a great show.I want to know about your history, like what part of, I don't know where Goblins are, because we have a Koreatown.Yeah.Is there a Goblinville?Yeah, is there a Goblinville?
Yeah, it's, I mean, it's probably Van Nuys.Oh, yeah.Yeah.Because you're the only one that- We've moved south, you know.Yeah, yeah.You're the only goblin I've seen in LA.
Yeah, well, I, you know, full disclosure, I don't really know a lot about my childhood or my family, and it's- Oh, you were adopted or something, or, okay.
I mean, I- Why would someone give him up for adoption?
What is that, what's that, why is that assumption? Why are you looking at me?Well, you're assuming that he would be like giving up for adoption.I didn't say that.You said.
No, I just said that like where I go, where's the goblins hang out?
No, you said, you said you don't have, he said he doesn't know much about his family.And then you said, oh, you're. Yeah, you're adopted.
I don't I don't like that, but I don't hold it stop stop.Okay.
What the fuck you doing?Fuck.Are you doing dude?I'm trying to insult this fuck.
No.I just that's insane.No, but when I hear up When I said that I fucked up.
Well, here's the deal obviously why yeah, you know why so he looks different big deal different Yeah, but if hey Alanis, what are they talking about?Yeah, you can't call him out.Yeah, you call him out Okay
Do you have magic?Do I have magic?
Very good question.Very good question.Very great question.Yeah, very good question.I could.Yeah.I mean, are you... I mean, he's not a warlock.
Well, but he looks magical.He does.
Have you ever performed magic before?Yeah.
Comedy magic.I think we're all performing it right now.We're all a part of it.
We're all a part of it.You, not so much, but I would say this side.
That's what I mean.That's what I'm saying.Because now I realize why I kicked the tables.That's energy.
Right now, the way you're looking at it.
Fuck you, John.Bob, be nice, Bob.
Come out of my fucking house with green shit.When you look like that, it makes your jelly roll.You really?Okay, don't do that. Bobby, I'm just gonna let you know, this is a very tense holiday for me.
Why?Yeah.It's the worst holiday for me.No, yeah.Because every time when I was a kid, you know, I wanted to be somebody, you know, for Halloween, I'd be like, you know, I'm gonna be Ross Perot, you know, and then everyone...
Everyone would come up to me, and they just go oh, it's a goblin right you don't need to hear that all the time Yeah, I couldn't be anybody yeah, yeah, but you're someone now you could be a booger Like a gigantic booger.
I mean there are things that you can be right oh He already said he wanted to be Ross Perot.Yeah, yeah.I'm just saying it's just like, you know.I get it.It's like me saying, I'm going to be Shaquille O'Neal.I mean, I'm just going to pick my enemy.
Yeah.Right, right.You're saying- Kim Jong-un.Kim Jong-un, yeah, closer to be who you are.Right.
Instead of going Ross Perot, you go Booger.
You go Booger.It's an opportunity to be someone else.
Right, and you really didn't have that opportunity.
Would you like to have that opportunity tonight?
I would love that, Santino.
Okay.Can we get a costume for John?
Well, you guys have a costume for me?Yeah, probably.We got a little something for you.Alanis, did you do this?
They did it?Well, I know he didn't do it, but someone did it.
Because, John, I wanted you to feel like you're included, you belong, and I got told from one of our producers, got told that your whole life you were put down.Yeah.And we'd like to welcome you to our family.Here, we have a little costume for you.
Oh, wow, this is great.Oh, this is perfect.
Go ahead and throw that on there.
Is it, a lot of, could you?
I mean, it's for normal size faces.Oh, Bob?Yeah, yeah.Oh, wow.
There we go.Bobby!Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What do you think?What am I?
Oh, God.What am I?Well, it's, I know what it is.What?You're not gonna wanna hear it.I wanna hear it.Yeah.It's, you know, a Vietnamese soldier with gangrene and a little bit too much napalm. All right, let me get in the character.
It does.Yeah.Do you feel like you fit in?Have you ever done an Asian accent, John Gobblecon?
And I won't be tonight!Why?Why, John?You're not even human.Yeah, I don't think so.
What do you mean he's not human?Of course he's human.
I said my podcast is going well.I want it to go well.Really well.Whoa, whoa, whoa.Let's not point at the ceiling.
He's not Jewish for sure.
I mean, did you see that?No pointing at the ceiling, John.
We just got our first ad sale.
That's funny.That's a good company.
Enron's a great company.I do like Enron.Yeah.
Yeah.We had BP for a while.Okay.We had British Petroleum for quite a long time.
Try to get Red Lobster.They're on the hook.John.
Very good.Very good.So now do you feel a little bit more at home now that I've squashed the beef for you guys?I know I'm playing mediator, but I have to do that on this.
Bobby, do you feel okay now?
Yeah, I do, man.I feel great.
Like, I just want to say, I think you're super funny.Yeah.I think you're a great actor.Mm-hmm.I said, mm-hmm.He's beat me out for so many roles.I mean, we go up for the exact same role.We're the same category?
Every time I go in for a role, it's like looking for a Bobby Lee type.
Ring, ring.John Goblincon.
Now, what has he gotten that you came close on?
Yeah, that was yours.Yeah.Yeah, that was yours.Oh, yeah.Yeah.Anything else?The one about Robin. Oh yeah, Death and Ramen.Yep.
I wanted to do an arthouse film.You know, I wanted to show my rage and this guy was like, sorry, we're doing Bobby Lee.I was like, come on, dude.
Now, have you been able to beat him for anything?Have you ever gotten a role that he was up for that you got?What's that Mucus commercial?Yeah.I was an ex.
I was an ex.You beat me with Mucinex?Yeah, yeah, yeah.Yeah, they were like, do a little Brooklyn thing.It wasn't the voice, it was the guy.But anyway, there you go.
That's so rude, dude.Yeah, you beat me out of that, for sure.
He doesn't look like that.Yeah, yeah, yeah.Look at him.
Look at him.I live in Reseda.
Real quick.Yeah, yeah, yeah.Real quick.Nice.That's my boy, Greg.
Seems like a cool guy.He's cool.Okay?He's kind of like stuck in the commercial world, but he's cool.
I mean, hey, it's a living.
So you have a show. I do.Yeah, you want to plug it?Sure.He did.Right now.Let's do it again.
It's called the Right Now Podcast with Jon.
Gobblegon.Yeah, and you know what, Bobby?Yeah.I think that you should invite me on again.I want to have you.So I can do a redo.I want to do a full redo.
Yeah.I'll bolt everything down.No, you know what?I will not.No, I'm going to wear a suit.Really?Yeah, I'm going to come with a different angle.
Yeah. What's the angle?Are you drunk?What's the angle?The angle is I'm going to come with... Hopefully comedy.
He didn't do comedy the first time?
Not on my show.Right.You know.Did the numbers do okay or no? On our show?Yeah, they did really good.People, it's a big hate watch period right now.But here's the thing, so many people in the comments of my show are like, is John Goblakon Bobby Lee?
So I'm gonna come back on?
I can't wait to have you.
I can't wait to do it.You know what I mean?I can't wait.I can't wait to do it. Anyway, thanks for coming.Oh yeah, thank you for having me.I gotta go to bed.I have Zimbabwe burps.Oh, Zimbabwe burps are pretty tough.Yeah, and I'm super tired.
I have to get up in six hours.
Well, I want to say thank you to John Goblin for coming on the show.And I hope that next time that you go on his show, it's all good.
I can't wait to have you on, Bobby.I really mean it.And you know what?I'll say something to all you guys. I'm okay with Halloween now.
That's great.I really am.Can I say this too?It's so great that we don't have to get you an Uber because you have your fucking broom.It's so just, you know what I mean?Or whatever you do.Get the fuck out of here, man.Hey, hey, hey.To be honest.
Fucking freak.John, John.Get him out of here.Hey, no.
Thank you for being a bad friend.
Get the fuck out of here.Are we having our first fight?
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