Welcome to the Impostor Cast After Dark Edition.Hi.
Are you lonesome tonight?
Do you pine for something more?
Do you?We got all existential all of a sudden.
The Romans are taking over.
Do you want someone?No, they're not.Don't bring up the Romans when we're trying to be sexy.
wife don't worry about your son and wife you've been sold into slavery now you have to entertain them through the gladiator pits this isn't gladiator with russell crowe you are russell crowe and this is gladiator alex is a professional improviser and that's why he knows how to yes and yeah oh sorry i i just think gladiators are sexist you know they're making a gladiator 2
Are they?Yes.Wasn't it pretty cut and dry?Cut and dry at the end of the road.Then you find another wife and child doing the same thing.Oh, I can't believe this is happening to me again.
They get him again.Yeah.Old Joaquin Phoenix chases down old Russell Crowe.Puts him in.It takes place in the modern day.Whoa.
I have to write it down.And it's a hip hop version of Gladiator.Yes, it is.
They fall into a time warp. Do you think, who do you think you can get from the far past that will understand the future?
bring someone from the past in order to best understand the future?Like how far back?
Yeah, who do you think you could grab that will come back and like understand the concept of like a telephone?
Probably like Da Vinci or somebody, you know what I mean?You just need somebody with like those, the mind that's like, all right, I kind of understand how the march of progress works.
I know these exist, but I can't make it right. Leonardo da Vinci's here!Yes!Look, look at my forearms and a giant penis.
No, thank you.Okay, then I'll leave.Was da Vinci, did he have notoriously nice forearms and a big penis?
Well, that was, uh, no, he had actual forearms when he made, when he drew that picture about me.Oh, I see.Wow.Welcome to the podcast where the jokes go right over your head.
Well, I don't think the Vitruvian Man was a self-portrait.Wasn't it?That's not what he looks like?I don't know.I wish I looked like the Vitruvian Man.Speaking of the Vitruvian Men, I'm Andy North.And I'm Alex James.
On the Impostor Cast, we play games sometimes with a guest, but tonight, no, no, no.That's right.It is a Monday night.It's after dark because it's that time of year when it gets dark at like seven.
Oh man, it did make me sad that you just said it's 7 o'clock right now.I'm sorry.Well, it's like 7, it's 7.50.Yeah, sundown still at like 7.20.Do you remember like two months ago when it was nine o'clock and it was so bright outside?
But now we have a little audience of raccoons peering in through the windows.They're going to tear you to pieces when you leave my house.Oh, that's not so cute.
So unless I win, I have to.Actually, they told me I should take a dive.They've been on this Impossible Cast episode.Oh, no.Yeah.You've gotten.What's the movie?Pulp Fiction.Pulp Fiction.Yeah.Or any other boxing movie.I feel like that's a common trope.
uh rocky never had to take a dive maybe he did i didn't see all those then the russians would win oh was it the soviets at that point i think the russians and the so i've only seen rocky and rocky four and he was definitely trying his hardest in rocky four interesting yeah i don't know how it happened yeah
Have you ever seen any of the Rocky movies?
No, but I should see the first Rocky at least.I really like the first Rocky.And you know, it's been in the zeitgeist so much that like, I know about running up the stairs.Have you been to those stairs?
Uh, I think so.They're in DC, right?Uh, they're in Philadelphia.Then no.Oh boy.Yikes.What stairs did I run up in DC?What did the Secret Service tackle?Andy, that was you on January 6th. And I still think we should have won that one.
The Rocky competition.I have my antlers and my shaman costume.
Well, I'm glad that we're talking about all these movies, because can we play a game?I would love to play a game.You want to start us off?Yeah, I've got a great game for you.We're talking about all these great movies.
Have you ever heard of the little known app called Letterbox? Wait, did we ever explain what we do on the podcast?Yeah, you said we play silly little games.Do you want to explain too?The raccoons are telling us to explain again if you want to.
No, no, no, no, no.I just couldn't remember if we had already done that part.
I think so.Also, do you know when you describe the podcast, you always describe them as silly games? Do I?Every single time you say we play silly, silly little games.
How do I, I could tell you exactly why, but I want you to know, but I want to hear from you.How do you describe them?
Just games?This is a game, this is a podcast where we play games.We try very hard to be the winner of each episode.
Why do you describe them as silly little games?It's the same vein where people are like, why do you like Pokemon so much?I'm like, oh, they're just silly little guys.Sure.
Well, we're just two silly little guys who do a podcast.That's right.It's a silly little guy episode.Don't catch us in a ball, though.
Have you ever heard of Loudbox?Yes, I have.Yeah.Well, great.Loudbox, for those who are unaware, are a place where you can catalog and review your own movies.Sometimes people take it too seriously.
Other times people just write jokes about seeing very funny movies or just jokes about seeing very serious movies.
And it's sort of like a social network, right?People have said, what's the social network part of it?Does it create a post like on a Facebook wall or something?
You can follow certain people and it can show you when your friends watch a movie and what they say about it, how much they rent it. Yeah, it's very good.It's good for two reasons.
It's good to see what my friends are watching and give me suggestions on what to watch.
And it also is good because I can also just put a whole bunch of things on a watch list and be like, oh, if I'm ever looking in the mood for a movie, I can just scroll through them at one point or another.I was recommended this film and here I am.
Oh, yeah, that sounds great.I have to beep all of this, unfortunately, because they're not giving us any money. Letterboxd, get at me if you want me to reveal that it was you we were talking about the whole time.That's right.
You don't have to beat this.The name of this game I called Lettercocked.
Oh, no.This is what happens on the Impossacast after dark.If we start recording after 7.30pm, it gets blue in here, ladies and gentlemen.
Now in this game I have selected three films.Okay.In each one of those I've selected three reviews from random users.
I will give you these reviews and you tell me the earlier that you can sort of guess what these movies are the sooner the more points you get.
This is the reviews are in letterbox edition.
You had said that you couldn't figure out a way to do it, but that's what this is.That's what it is.
Um, I may have said that I've not been able to figure out how to do it.Uh, this game has sat in my box of games for months.In your little toy chest.Yeah.
I'll tell you, I'll tell you, you can figure out exactly how long it's been because my first movie at the time was something that was out at Rage Chicken Theatres.All right.
Then I'm going to guess Dune 2.
Welcome to the Imposter Camp, where there's a five minute episode because we have, well, shit.
Where, yeah, sorry, I thought about not guessing it, but then I thought it might be fun if it was actually that.
I thought about not telling you, but I thought it would be funny.Well, I guess I should just give you 20 points for that one.Thank you.Cold shot.Here's what the review said.It said, proof that all men do is bald and lie.
That's from Amelia, four stars.Not, we don't know.She could be.
I don't think she reviews movies.
Does she like bald men?Clearly not.
I don't think so.If you're, if bald men are your thing, you wouldn't marry Andy North.He's got a gorgeous head of hair.Yeah.Famous for it.I wish he was still here today.
Rips to Andy North.Stella Starr's gone as the whale, part two.Did you see the whale?No.
Oh yeah, he's Baron Harkonnen.Oh man, can you imagine if Brendan Fraser played the Baron?That's what I'd like to see.
Oh man, I forgot with just the two of us, I really have to time my water sips.
Because you were coming off of a joke and I was like, this is a perfect time to slope it all down.
Oh, just let me know next time you want to take a drink of water.
I'll take a drink of water!
And I'll tell a story about this gorgeous redhead.
and then the final one was uh literally shaking and crying the man had dune it again very good that's from cory ghost emoji five stars oh that's probably the cory that we know yeah probably these are all people we know he's always shaking and crying uh well great uh now that you know how this game works now i have two movies uh that was a practice round that was practice round this is the real round okay uh the very first one
a clue is farm boys are the original horse girls send tweet that is lauren and she gave it four stars four stars from lauren farm boys are the new horse girls now does she mean real farm boys or does she mean space farm boys like luke skywalker moisture farmer
oh so you're so you're guessing luke skywalker moisturizer that we all know is the prequel tips of four uh i'm i'm just trying to think of any movies that i know that have farm boys in them oh oh farm boy fetch me that pail
Is this the Princess Bride?It is the Princess Bride!
I'm so good at this game!I'm so good at ruining Alex's game.This is a mini game.
Well, that's good because I can drag my game out for years and years and hours.
Dragon, Shrek. Yeah, that's right.You're right.Do you like The Princess Bride?I say rhetorically.I do like The Princess.Who doesn't?
Yeah, it's one that I don't think I've met anyone who doesn't like it.Have you read the book?I have really enjoyed it.Oh, really?Mm-hmm.Oh, great.Then you probably know.I think we talked about it on a previous episode.
Because we talked about how much we like the framing device you brought up.
Yes.Yep.Great.Then go back and listen to that episode.Go back and listen to episode.Episode 104. We can't shut up about William Golding.To pad for time, I'll give you the other two quotes.It says, no, don't stab yourself in the tit.You're so sexy.
Classic.And then a rating below five stars.Inconceivable.That's from Nick Wilbert.Three and a half stars. Wow, three and a half stars, pretty harsh.
Yeah, it seems like he was also making a joke that this movie deserves five stars and then doesn't give it three and a half stars.
Well, to each his own, I suppose.Do you know, we were in New York last holiday season and we went to a marathon reading of A Christmas Carol.I mean, I say marathon, but it was like, that took him two hours to get through the whole thing.
But it was really, really fun.And one of the readers was Wallace Shawn. Oh, who I guess does a lot of stuff with that bookstore that we saw.
Oh, that's right.But it was just like a little tiny bookstore like they swapped off through.Yeah.
Everybody read for like 15 minutes.
Yeah.That's a fun fact about Christmas Carol.It was the only book I read in seventh grade for the choir reading.Really?Yeah.Because it was easier to read.Seventh grade, I remember I remember not reading any of the books to completion.
We wrote a Sword in the Stone. And the only projects that we had to do on it, I read up until chapter nine.And we had to do a solo project where each of us was assigned a different chapter to, like, summarize it.
And then a group project where, again, we were each assigned different chapters.And my chapters were seven and eight.So I was like, oh, don't mind if I don't mind if I do.
Did you have undiagnosed dyslexia when you were in school?
I had mentioned that you have dyslexia.
uh it yes um but of course we never quite i i always knew that i had like a learning thing a learning disorder of like picking stuff out um but um what i have but i never quite understood exactly what it was until it was until we were reading trivia pursuit cards i'll give you this this is like the
The best way to describe it is that one time I was reading a Snapple cap, Snapple fact, back when they were pop tops and you can actually read the Snapple caps and not the plastic ones where you can't read the print.
You kids don't know what you're missing.
We used to have real Snapple caps.So much stuff.I kept on reading one and it said there's 127 ridges in the United States. And I kept reading that and I was like, what the hell is that big?Why is there 120?Did they count them?
And then I just kept on reading and that's what I kept on reading until I took my thumb and put it over every single word.And I found out that it was saying in the United States time.
And like my brain was just like not allowing me to see the word die.Oh, yeah.
So is that a strategy that like you still have to use in terms of like does blocking off parts of a sentence and taking it like one word at a time?
Usually I don't care so much, but that snapped cat was really aggressive. It does, and honest to goodness, they talk about this print that's very blocky and very space apart.Oh yeah, does that work?It does work, yeah.
It forces me to see everything where it's supposed to be.
So can you import that font into your computer so that just everything shows up in that printing?
There's probably a Chrome extension for that. Because Amelia was telling me about that like a year or two ago.
It's like, in case you guys haven't heard of this, it's like apparently a special font typeface that's supposed to be much easier to read if you have dyslexia.
It works.Oh, do you remember what it's called?Nope.Dyslexic font. Also, I never really had a problem with numbers, too.And I've heard that as the case as well.Like, I was good.I'm decent at math.As a child, I was good at math.
Now that math is hard, I'm decent at math.Sure.But, like, I never once, like, mixed up the numbers in the same way that letters sort of get rearranged and words get rearranged.That's interesting.Yeah.
That's also why, another fun fact, that I studied Japanese in high school, and I felt like I was better at Japanese than when I had to learn Spanish in college.
Because in Japanese, the way that they, of course, split up, like the fursonic version of speaking Japanese is split up into certain characters, and then of course those characters could get pushed together to be a bigger character called Kanji.
So you're basically just seeing like, you might just see like five different characters that is the whole sentence, but it's like, oh, it's so easy because it's like such a small thing.It's like, oh, I know what that means.
Oh, and it sounds like a very mathematical like way to construct words and phrases.
Where it's like you're taking these different building blocks and like arranging them, not so much in an order, It sounds like just in a proximity to each other.Yeah, I don't know.
Yeah.In a sense, it's like it is funny, too.Because like, it's like if this kanji and this kanji are next to each other, it means like mountain, but if you flip it around the other way, it means like nation.Why?
But like, again, it's like with something with dyslexia, you would think like, oh, it's It would so happen so often that you do flip this around and you think it's a whole different concept.But no, it just flows naturally.
And that's why I love The Princess Bride.
Good film.Also, I think Princess Bride is like, and you're not wrong for saying that it's your favorite film, but I think it's also like a very good scapegoat if someone's like, what's your favorite movie?
Because like, that's a question that really doesn't have an answer.No, but I feel like The Princess Bride and people like.
yeah it's impossible to answer that question what's your favorite anything because it's like i i really love that movie but if you were like you want to sit down and watch princess bride i feel like most of the time we'd be like no because i've seen it a billion times yeah so like what does it mean uh you know what i mean yeah what's your favorite who's your favorite wife yikes alex don't back me into a corner like this you've sat down and watched a million times ah
All right, let's move on to the next one that you can get in two seconds and put me out of my misery.Sorry.Here's the first one.
Sorry for having fun with my friends.
Gone.So much fun.Probably the greatest movie I'd never want to see again.
That is from Mario, who had an orange circle emoji, green circle emoji, blue circle emoji, and gave it four and a half stars.
No, that's just the, I don't want to give credit to the people that gave it.Okay.I don't know if that was a hint.
Uh, so it's a good movie.That's a unpleasant watch.So that doesn't help me narrow it down.I'm going to go for recency here and I'm going to say salt burn.
Oh, that is incorrect.Okay.Okay.Okay. Finally, we got him.Raccoons, we got him.Remember, these raccoons are going to kill me if I don't lose this one.So actually, that was our third.Yeah.
It sounds like the raccoons have a lot of demand they've placed on you.So I don't know if you're getting out of your own scapes.
Talking about being on scapes, here's the next clue.Oscar really got that dog in him.
and that is uh that is someone named velo oh wait sorry sorry sorry oscar really got that dog in him and then part of the review is a hundred emoji double exclamation point emoji prayer hands emoji and that's from velo four stars
Okay.So this is someone named Oscar is in it, either an actor or a character, but I don't know any Oscars off the top of my head.So I might not know this movie.Oh no.Oscar really got that dog in him.Is this a, Hmm.
No, I don't know.I don't have any guesses.Falagon raccoons.Ah, great.And then, uh, so for the very last one for three points, uh, A very edgy film which dares to ask the question, yeah, the Holocaust was terrible, but what if it had a happy ending?
Americans, of course, lap it up.That is from Y.D.Dredgegolf, half a star.
Okay, so this is, um, an uplifting Holocaust movie.Is this Life is Beautiful?Uh, no.Um, okay.All right.I don't think I can do it then.
Okay, then the correct answer was Schindler's List.
There's a happy ending to Schindler's List.
Yeah, I don't know what this person's talking about.I guess the fact that it's like everyone's applauding him at the end.Can I tell you a secret?Yeah, never seen it.Oh, spoiler.
I have a low tolerance for bummer media.It limits the things that I can watch and read.
My wife, for example, reads a lot of like really well written and wonderful, like nonfiction books that I just can't bring myself to like read with her or join in.
Like I, cause I'm like, I just read fiction and I watch like, I don't watch a ton of movies and so I've never seen.
No, it's a hard one to watch.No, you have to be in the right mindset too.
I just never, it's like when, when does it, you have a long hard day at work or it's the weekend or whatever. When do you ever watch Schindler's List in your life?
When do you sit down and choose to watch Schindler's List?
I may have said this before, but my sister and I had the exact same mindset with Midsommar.Oh, yeah.
That was like sitting on a coffee table for like three months before we finally had like a night that we were both like, OK, we're mentally prepared to watch it.
Have you pulled the trigger on Hereditary yet?
No.Because I've been waiting on that one.No, and it's getting spooky season, so.It's getting spooky season. It looks like we have to start making some plants.
Right before you walked in, I had already started listening to, like the last couple of days, I've started listening to my Halloween music playlists, just because I really like it.I got that Christmas creep, but for Halloween.
Is it Spooky Scary Skeletons on repeat?Because that's my Halloween.Yeah, I listened to that for a month and a half.Nothing else.
oh man well Andy North uh yep that's uh Schindler's List again uh i guess what this person is talking about uh very edgy film but dare to ask the question yeah the holocaust was terrible but what if it had a happy ending i guess the happy ending is that like because like at the end of the movie like there's all these people that like the war is ending and like uh he has to like go away because like
uh because they want to like protect him because like on on the case and like all all the people he saved is like yeah thank you even though it's not happy at all and he's like crying um it looks like this guy didn't understand the movie but Andy North you understood the assignment
Yes, I did.Out of a possible 30 points, you didn't get a perfect game, but you got 30 points.All right.
Oh, because I got the bonuses for getting the first one?
Because you got the first one without me even saying.
I want to give you 30 points for that game because it's one that I want to play again.
You can give me, yeah, I'll take 30 points.I was going to say you could probably give me 10 points because usually, I know it's been a while, but remember where we have point giving games where you usually take the points that
the other person doesn't get yeah yeah you didn't get 10 points for schindler's list but you just give me 30 points i'll give you 10 points you can have the 10 points for schindler's list and then i'll give you 20 bonus points there we go uh-oh now the raccoons are angry again oh no because i feed them on all the leftover points after a recording session so i'm sorry yeah you'll have to go out the back
I struggle with raccoons and we've already talked about this on the podcast, I think, but like, I really like wildlife and we've done a lot of like taking care of the neighborhood cats that live around us and woodchucks.
Raccoons I struggle with because they are very, very cute, but they are so mean.Yeah.Oh, we talked about this on the Q and A. I'm just repeating what I said back then.Sorry, everybody.Yeah, that's right.Let's play a different game instead.
Uh, Dune 2.More Dune for you.
Okay, well that's your answer then, because the game is called Competitive Mash!Are you familiar with competit- er, with mash, Al?
Oh, competitiveness.No, I don't have competitive power in my body.Uh, mash, yeah, of course.Kills the chicken.
Kills the chicken.Owl.You talking about the TV show mash?Yeah, what are you talking about?I'm talking about the game mash.Mansion, apartment, shack, or house? Have you ever played this?No, I haven't.
Everybody in our listening audience is sharing my amazement that I'm introducing M.A.S.H.
to you.No, that's what I was talking about before.People are like, would you like to live in a mansion or kill a chicken?I'm like, kill a chicken.Every time, kill a chicken.
Even when it's not an option, you're like, I think I'd like to marry killing a chicken.Yeah.
Yeah.I'll marry a chicken.I'll fuck a chicken.I'll kill a chicken.Oh, God.
Sounds like you were that's God playing Mary fuck killing correctly as well.
Yeah No, mash is a great game that you you played on the bus or any player you had like a single sheet of notebook paper Oh, you're right M MASH across the top that stands for mansion apartment shack and house and then you list Any number of so there's categories and this is a fortune-telling game you are gonna find out how your life is going to turn out Okay, how exciting?
And, uh, what we're going to do is you're going to get to pick some of the options and I'm going to get to pick some of the options and then we're going to generate your future.And you're going to score points based on how good that future is.Okay.
Um, so as good as good as like how good I'm living or like how realistic do you think?
No, how good, how good you're living.I don't know that this is going to be very realistic, but we'll find out.
So one of the categories is always mansion, apartment, shack, or house.And that's where you end up living.But there are other categories as well.And we're going to go through them in order now.Question one of six.Choose three colleges.
So this is going to be where do you end up going to school?Oh, let's go with App State. App state, which is Appalachian state.
Appalachian Appalachian.I'm sorry.The other side of the mountain.Sorry, JD Vance that I got your home landing.Um, is that where, uh, I went to school.That, that is where you went to school.I know that.Um, but is that where, uh,
Where's the town that everybody loves in North Carolina?Boone.Is that Boone?That's Boone.App State is in Boone?App State is in Boone.
Everybody loves Boone in North Carolina.So if you ever get out here.
Yeah.It's like, do you like mountain towns?But do you also like liberals?Go to Boone.
Yeah.You got to be careful down here.
You're going to take a look around and see all the Confederate flags and think, do I just need to leave the state completely?Yeah.And the answer is not necessarily.You can find Durham.You can find Boone. And some other parts.Okay.Um, okay.
So I get to pick a college for you as well.And I'm going to pick the college of, um, the college where this is going to be crab college.Yeah, it sure is.That's where, um, what do you think happens at crab college?
Are you still a human, but you get taught by crabs or do they transmogrify you into a crab?
Uh, I think it's. I think it's a place where crabs learn to be a crab and they do a cultural exchange and one human gets to go down and learn all the crabs.Meanwhile, all the other crabs, they'll get to go to brown.
Yeah, that's true.They would go to brown.
Affirmative action much.Um, okay.And here's what I think for the third option each time should be you pick something good and then I twist it.Oh, so it sort of ends up being sort of a neutral.
Great.Well, I was gonna, I was gonna pick the College of Whispers, the D&D Bard subclass.
College of, and I'm gonna change it to the College of Whiskers.And it's not what you think.
Okay, great. Name three people you might marry.I'm gonna pick the first one this time.A dishwasher.Not a person.
And I'm going to put Maytag.
No, it's not that.I just that's why I just said it.OK, because I would not mind marrying a person who is a dishwasher, but I would not like to marry a Maytag dishwasher, which is what you are going to marry if you land on this one.
Now you get to pick the second one.Who's the person that you would like to marry?
Let's do old, reliable. I keep on falling back to Florence Pugh.Florence Pugh?But that's very awesome just because it just talks about Midsommar.
Old reliable Florence Pugh?You just saw her topless in Oppenheimer and you're like, maybe I could invent an atomic bomb.Yeah, maybe I could start a chain reaction that blows up half the planet.Okay, what's your third one that I'll tweak?
Albert Einstein.But that's just because we just talked about Oppenheimer.
Albert Einstein, more like Albert Oscar the Grouch.So he's a very smart version of Oscar the Grouch.
I don't like what those Nazis are doing, it makes me grouchy.You sound like a Batman guy.
Now that's an American movie about the Holocaust, isn't it?Batman.
Batman fights the Holocaust?
Batman's list.Can you please choose three cities?
Oh, great.What about Ottawa?Ottawa?Yeah, the capital of all of Canada.
The capital of all of Canada.I'm going to put Olive, Canada, which is a city, but it's very bad.It's very drab.Okay.That's a city that you might live in.What's the third one?
Uh, let's do a cloud city. from the Star Wars.
I'm actually going to change mine for you to be inside a rock tumbler.I know it's not technically a city, I guess.I think it's, yeah, it's, yeah, no, it's a city.Okay.I think that counts.I'm the judge of this game.It's your game.
And I think inside a rock tumbler counts as a city.You said cloud city?
Yeah.When you broke my game, I gave you 20 points.And when you break your own game, you put me inside a rock tumbler.
Okay, so I have to tweak Cloud City.I'm gonna say by Cloud City.I mean Midgard from Final Fantasy 7.
Yeah post-apocalyptic Post-industrial, I guess they're not telling it to me.You're telling it to the audience.Oh, yeah.
No, I don't need to clarify for you What's going in a Final Fantasy 7 you finished you played the remake version right and finish that I finished that up Excited for the next one So, Cloud City, Midgard.Choose three numbers.
You already said you were good at this.
Yeah.The city that Cloud lives in.Again, that was smart comedy.Sorry.Welcome to the Impostor Castle, where the jokes go right over our heads.How about 88?
Alex, you can't pick the number 88.Do you know about that?
No, I just like the number 88.
I guess the number 88 is popular with white supremacists.
Because H, the letter H is the eighth number in the alphabet.So 88 stands for Heil Hitler.
Yeah.I remember when Oscar the Grouch was hailing Hitler.I remember.
But that's one of those things I've read about it. And I feel like it can't be true, right?
I feel like it's like that thing where it's like, if someone's doing the okay symbol in a, you know, picture, that's a gang sign or whatever, like, well, in, I remember this on on August 8 2008, that a lot of that they were talking,
I read a news article where they talk about that it was like in China, a lot of couples were getting married because in that culture, the eight, since it's infinite, means like long life and like happiness together.
So a lot of people wanted to get married on that day.Probably all over the world, but I remember they specifically were talking about like Chinese culture.That's way better then.Yeah.
Then I'm going to put 88 and then in parentheses, the Chinese version. Go ahead.So it's like a good version not the way The number that I get to pick for you and it's gonna be a bad one it's gonna be negative fart Yeah So it's like a reverse fart.
Yeah, I don't know what that does to your body, but it can't be good Yeah, and then a third number and I'll give it a tweak, please
What about the absolute prime of an imaginary number?The absolute prime of an imaginary number?Yeah, it's a prime imaginary with the absolute brackets around it.Yeah, that's right.I'm good at math.Prime imaginary.
I think, okay.And the absolute value of a, there's steam coming out of your ears.Well, isn't it an imaginary number?Isn't that just the square root of negative I or something or isn't that a square root of negative one?
So wouldn't the absolute value of that just be one?
one so i just said so uh so the absolute a north just says the absolute value of the prime root of the square root of imaginary number is just one holy shit i think i just solved for mott's last theorem that's right okay so i put the the absolute value of a prime imaginary number times two that was my tweak was it's times two
No, that's too powerful.It's twice as much as you wanted it to be.
Can you please choose three college majors?
Oh, wow.Okay.I guess political science with a concentration of pre-professional legal studies.
Poly-sci.Concentration.Pre-professional.Legal studies.PPLS.Is that what you want to do?No.
That's just what I ended up getting.
Was that your, that's what you got your degree in?Yeah.Wrong.You got your degree in being a worm.
That's your second choice of the options.What's your third one?If you hadn't become a poly-sci major with a concentration in pre-professional legal studies.That sounds like a great, very interesting,
uh major it was very much a lot of critical thinking stuff yeah and it was it was great too um it was very insightful it got me it doesn't give me anything but it opened the door for a whole lot sure no college major gives you anything yes oh yeah that's the truth ain't that the truth
And let's go with theater theater the other one.
I'm not even gonna tweak that one Can you imagine if instead of theater you did theater education who was the other theater education major besides me that we've had on the show oh
uh i don't know but one of my best friends is theater education i mean i can't complain it was actually i feel like great and has led me to having a wonderful fulfilling life but what a silly major but we've had another person on who is a theater education major i can't remember who yeah
It did sort of upset me because he had a better GPA than I am because he was just like, oh I have to look at a film I have to watch a play and do it and I'm like Ryan papers about the like, yeah Social experience we did get to do pretty fun stuff.
Yeah, I made out with some people in college Did you yeah name them?I'll tell you later.Okay Their names were a saltine cracker.A worm.Choose three occupations, please.I didn't make out with a worm.You take that back.
Okay, I can't take it back.
Thank you.Sorry it got so heated.
Someone got that level offended that makes it mean you think that you did make out with a worm.
No.I get defensive because you're wrong.
Okay, what about a rancher?
Rancher.Like in? Like in City Slickers.City Slickers.And I'm going to choose an occupation for you.It's going to be you jack off Norman the cow from City Slickers 2.That's too close to a rancher.
Do you remember that joke from the City Slickers 2 trailer?
I guess no one watched City Slickers 2.
For some reason I saw the trailer for City Slickers 2 like a billion times.Billy Crystal says, I have to check off a cow.No, it's John Lovitz is like, I was trying to get milk out of your cow.I'm pulling and tugging and nothing, no milk.
Jack, that's a bull!This summer, the slickest city is back.
But what if women came?I'm gonna put city slicker as your occupation.And then what if you couldn't be a rancher?What's the third occupation?
Hallmark card designer.Instead, I'm going to tweak that to be you are in a Hallmark movie as the weird elderly mayor that has to marry one of the secondary characters.
Oh, man.I'm not even from... This town's too big for me.It's the perfect size because I'm the mayor.
Well, you, yeah, you're one of the- Hey, I just was coming into your pie shop to let you know the big festival's this weekend.You're a natural at it.
Yeah, and the only downside is that you have to marry the like weird comic relief character who's not like real and is very annoying, but you have to fall in love with them for the funny sight gag at the end that you guys like making out at the Christmas party.
Yeah. And it's like the narrator says, and then something's got hot and heavy.That's not us.That's not a girl, cow.
I know.I'm so glad we found each other at the Winter Festival, birdseed lady.Oh, you met the bird lady from Home Alone 2.
Yeah. Okay, now here's the last thing.In traditional mash, you would draw a spiral.Oh, but then I have to draw a spiral.And now you have to draw a spiral of the dragon as best you can.
Oh, actually, what you can do it, come over here and draw a spiral on this screen using the trackpad.
Look at me, I'm getting up.This mic has a 50 foot cord.It's a 50 foot mic cord.
And then it counts like the number of lines in the spiral and it gives you your special. You're doing the worst job drawing a spiral I've ever seen.
It stopped.It didn't stop.
Well, it's working now.And then what it would do is count the number of lines from the middle to the edge of the spiral.And that's your magic number.
It is pretty cool.I could just do this for the rest of the night. Alex, this is realistic genitalia that you're drawing.So that's your magic number is eight.So now it's going to go through, and if you're doing this in real life.Hey, eight, again.
Yikes.Okay, sorry, go on.This isn't shaping up well for you.I'm sorry, were you about to say this isn't real life? Nope.You've been dreaming this whole time.This is what you dream about?
So then what would happen is you would go through and you would cross off every eighth entry on the list until you would, once each category only has one option left, then you would like, you skip that category.
So eventually each, each category only has one option and that's your future life.Oh boy.So this program is going to do that very quickly for us.So long crab college.
you're not necessarily going to crab college we're finding out it's going through fast now and it's oh no it just crossed off crab college so you're not going to crab college well that was a bad one you didn't want that maybe you'll go to appalachian state appalachian yeah i should have said that you married jd vance
This is really, this is going to locate the podcast in time, I feel like.That's right.Because we're all going to forget about him hopefully in two months.Yeah.Yeah.Hopefully Jade Events will not be a part of our lives in 2025, but we'll find out.
Goodbye.Thank you, Alfred.
I have to go back to booking people on my list.All right, Alex, here we go.So here's the thing.I'm going to say that we're going to give you points out of 50 for how good your life is.Whoa.
And I'm going to, I think we should, you should rate your life and I should rate your life separately.
okay because i don't know how you value these things and then we'll take the average of the two numbers and that'll be your total life score does that sound good yeah let me get my notepad out get your notepad out alex let me tell you your mash story okay you ready i killed the chicken it doesn't say anything about a chicken you didn't put that as one of your options that's interesting it's not interesting that's how the game works i'm pretty sure i did
You're being, no.Discover your future.You will graduate from the College of Whiskers.Oh no.Majoring in poli sci with a concentration in pre-professional legal studies.Okay.So, so far alternate Alex is doing pretty well for himself.
After graduating, you'll marry dishwasher Maytag.Oh no. I'm sorry.
At least my dishes will be clean.
You'll settle down in Cloud City, that is Midgard, live in a house, and spend your days as a city slicker.You and dishwasher Maytag will have prime number imaginary times two kids.
I'm sorry, the absolute value of a prime imaginary number times two kids.
Yeah, it sounds like you're a nuclear family in the sense that you're going to implode the minute your wife gives birth.The end.Wow.Okay.I have to think in my head is out of a, from zero to 50.
Um, this is very important.If you, where in Midgar do I live? Oh, I don't know.Are there good parts of Midgard?
So like the thing about Midgard is that like the very rich industry city is above it and then there's a huge plate and all the poor people live in the sectors below it.
Okay, since I think this was your neutral option where it's like you picked it and then I tweaked it, I think it should be like
Not you don't live in the poor underbelly where Shinra soldiers are gonna come down and kick your door in Yeah, but you live in like a decent house in like, oh, that's not avalanche is gonna be pissed that Well, yeah Barrett's gonna come in and maybe minigun your house.
That's what you get.Oh, no, please take my dishwasher Negative one two kids.
That's why you have to have a bug out chocobo ready to go in case you hear avalanche outside and you can just hop on and go to the
No, I'm very good at diplomatic politics talking about.
Oh, that's true.I'm voting big guy law.You'd probably take over Avalanche.You'd become a terrorist in this.
That gives me more points.Dystopia. Uh, what did, uh, uh, what was the last thing it told me?
The absolute value kids, you and your Maytag dishwasher will have the absolute value of a prime imaginary number times two kids.
And it tried to split that up into girls and boys, but I don't think it understood the number that we gave it.So it says zero girls and zero boys.Oh.So you may have any number of children who use, who don't identify with those pronouns.
Yeah, no, I've, the number of, they're all them they.Very progressive.
They're all them washer.Them slash washer.Them slash washer. Oh, great.Well, out of 50 points, let's see here.So that means like 10 points for Kaggle, right?
That kind of sounds like a happy family.
That's middle of the road.
I feel like it sounds like we're making fun of the idea of using, or there could be some confusion there.We're not making fun of the idea of using Gender-neutral pronouns.Yeah, they're great.
It doesn't mean that you were born from a Maytag dishwasher.That's right.It was That Alex's children have both of those things independent of one another
Thank you, Andy.You're welcome.That's 100% true.Did I make it worse by calling it out?I don't know.I think you may be right.Okay.Or maybe there'll just be some French jazz playing.Yikes.No, you're absolutely correct.Well, let's see.You know what?I'm
Looking at all this, the children are the best part.
It actually doesn't sound that bad if, because here's the thing that tweaked it for me.Yeah.You apparently can have children with this Maytag dishwasher, which implies a lot about this world that you live in that just isn't fleshed out here.
yeah so it sounds like maybe you guys are pretty happy actually i put some arbitrary points into this do you have arbitrary points i'm listen i'm changing upward yeah because at first i was like he's in midgard it sucks he had to marry a dishwasher that sucks yeah but now this actually sounds pretty good
um okay i've got my number do you have your number i got my number what is it 24 you have 24 yeah i put 37 wow you think so you think you're on the bottom again uh oh oh you know what i never put this one i never calculated points for dishwasher you didn't include points i'll give dishwasher a six only because you
Now, what more am I saying?That's the only non-human this whole thing.I have had Oscar the Grouch.Give Dishwasher a 1 for a 25.What?It's a dishwasher.
But you guys had multiple children together.You're apparently very happy.
is it a sentient dishwasher at least i would hope so otherwise i don't know what that says about your kids marty uh no i'm gonna stay strong and make it 25 for one extra point for the dishwasher fair enough that evens out to 31 points i would say that i could have got a florence pew from
That's true.We need to leave an upper limit on there.And you also didn't get to go to your chosen college.You went to the College of Whiskers.Tell me what you think the College of Whiskers is.
Yeah.It's a college that 10% of the professors are cats in a trench coat and you have to figure out which ones they are before you graduate.
Oh my god.I want to revise my score upwards.
Wait, but you have to figure out which ones are cats before you graduate?Yeah.That would be tough for me because I feel like you'd always be distracted.Yeah, I know.I wouldn't be paying attention to the content of what they were saying.
Since it was a playoff at the College of Whispers, which is very much a spy type school.Oh.It's really, it's really like, the class is like, and they're, Andy, they are amazing at it.
And your final test for graduation or the diploma is that you just go into a room with a panel of judges and it's just you and them and you have to whisper who has the whiskers.
And if you don't get exactly which ones have the whiskers, you don't graduate, they kill you.
I know how I would pass this test.Yes.I walk into the room.
Hey, you're late for your poli-sci- for your state and local government class.
How dare you, Andy North?
I'm so sorry, esteemed professors.I had to get something from my dorm room that I'd forgotten.
What did you forget?Why, it's just this... it's just this cloth mouse at the end of a rope on a stick.
Cloth mouse.That looks like a deadly predator that I have to kill.Oh, really?
What if I just sort of drag it along the floor here?
Oh no, Professor Jonesy, you are my favorite literature professor.
Here's some freeze-dried liver pieces.
And how many points did you give?
I mean, now that you revise it, are you revising it?Um, be strong.
No, no, no, no, no.Yeah, I am.I think it's, it's an added amount of difficulty.So I'm going to leave it at 37.I think 37 was pretty generous.Yeah.So you get 31 total points.How many points do I get out of 50 for that game?Uh, here's the hint.
Yeah, because it's the reverse of yours, right?Is that right?
No, 19 would be the points that you didn't get.
Yeah, the 19.Oh, that seems like a great, yeah.
We haven't used that system in a while.That's right.Do you want to know what that does to the final scores?
Do you have anything that you want to point the audience towards?
Yeah. Love your dishwasher.But be careful!
Don't do much.In second place, with 49 points, which is the same as my age, we have Mr. Andy North.Whoa!And in first place, with also his age in points, 61 points, it's Mr. Alex James!
And you all know where to find me.
Cause they all know what's gonna happen to my future.
Oh, that's true.You know, uh, where Alex's, uh, apartment.Oh, you lived in a house.I forgot to read that part of it.You live in a house in Midgard.
Was that the whole point is that it tells you that it's a house, a mansion or?Yep.
Yep.Mansion, apartment, shack, or house.
Then house makes sense.Cause there's like suburbs in the upper.
Right, which is very funny.It's very funny to me that we played this game as kids, because I think the idea was that apartment was a bad outcome.
Like it's like, mansion and house are, mansion's great, house is good, apartment is bad, and shack is very bad.
But this was the 90s, so it's like.
Yeah, nobody was living in apartments back then.That's funny.And nowadays, we'd be lucky to have a shack.
That's right.Shake shack.
You want to go make a shack shake with your Maytag dishwasher?
Don't tempt me with a good time.
Goodbye, everybody.Goodbye. You've been listening to the Impossicast with Alex James and Andy North.You can find us online at at Impossicast on Instagram.You can also email us at impossicast.podcast at gmail.com.Our podcast art is by Sid Ratkiewicz.
You can find them at at sidwitz on Instagram.If you like the podcast and you'd like to help us out, please tell a friend or write us a review or rate us five stars wherever you get your podcasts.See you soon.And thanks for listening.
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