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The Magnificent Montague, starring Marty Woolley. Yes, it's The Magnificent Montague, the Saturday night transcribed feature on NBC's all-star festival of comedy, music, mystery, and drama.
Brought to you by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television.And by Aniston, for fast relief from pain of headache, neuritis, and neuralgia. And now, The Magnificent Montague!
25 years ago, when Edwin The Magnificent Montague, king of the Shakespearean stage, married Lily Boehme, his leading lady, the theatre world shook its head and said, it can't last.
Today, Edwin Montague is Uncle Goodheart, hero of an afternoon radio program, but not a cloud has yet darkened this happy marriage.Until today, an elegant woman in an elegant New York hotel enters the phone booth and dials information.
Information.Hello, operator.I would like the telephone number of Mr. Edwin Montague. I don't know where he lives now.I haven't seen him in over 20 years.
I want to be loved by you, just you, and nobody else but you.I want to be loved by you alone.A-boo-boo-ba-dee.
Hello?Number is Circle 3-5-6-4-3.
Oh, thank you.I'll call him.I want to be loved by you, just you, and nobody else but you.I want to be loved by you.
The residents of Edwin Montague and Lily Bo' Wayne, this is Agnes the maid at the controls.What do you want?
Oh, I want to talk to Boo Boo.
Oh, I'm sorry.Is Mr. Edwin Montague there?
No, he's out.Hey, what's with this Boo Boo?
Never mind.I'll call back.Hello?
She hung up.Who was that?I don't know.It was somebody calling her husband.
Oh, that was probably the call Edwin is expecting from his radio sponsor, Mr. Flugel.Mr. Flugel?Yes.He likes Edwin.
He must.He calls him Boo-Boo.Boo-Boo?Honey, the call was from a dame.Oh, now, Agnes, stop.You know Edwin's friends call him hundreds of names.I know, but this one's clean.
All right, that's quite enough.
After 25 years of marriage, I have nothing to worry about.
After 25 years, it's time to worry.I'll get it.
Hello, is that you, Boo-Boo?
No, um... Edwin isn't home yet.
Wait, wouldn't you like to leave a message?Well... We'd like to know, I mean... He'd like to know who's calling.
Well, just tell him that... Foo-Foo is at the Aster Hotel.
He'll know who it is.Bye now.
Foo-Foo.Oh, Foo-Foo and Boo-Boo are sweethearts.
Quiet.Agnes, this isn't funny anymore. I'm sure Edwin can explain.He should be back in his walk any minute.Now the second he comes through the door... You tackle him high and I'll hit him low.
I'm going to calmly explain the phone calls and what we heard and then I'm going to ask Edwin for an explanation.
Explanation?Honey, you gotta spring it on him.The surprise element.The trap. Just hit him with boo-boo.He's startled.Then you hit him with foo-foo.He dissolves and confesses.Then you hit him with a chair.Agnes trapping Edwin?It's the only way.
Pretend nothing happened.Then let him have it right below the beard.
Now don't let him suspect anything's wrong.I'll get the door.Ah, Mr. Montague.Won't you step in?
Hello, Edwin.We're so glad you're home.Did you have a nice walk?
What's going on here?Well, Edwin... Well, what's wrong?
Wrong?Why, something wrong.
Something must be wrong.Agnes greets me with a big smile.Now, Edwin... She said, now, Mr. Montague, won't you step in?The last time she said that, there was an open manhole between us.
Now, Edwin, sit down and relax.Nothing's happened.Nothing is different.
Something's going on.I come home and for no good reason there is suddenly a horrible, friendly atmosphere around the house.
But I was only gone ten minutes.What happened while I was gone? Did West Point call and say it was okay for Agnes to come back?
Oh, really, Edwin.Now, just sit back and let's have a pleasant chat.
Now, we're going to have a chat.Bully, now what are we chatting about?
Let him have it.Quiet, Edwin.You want to chat?
All right, Lily.Say something.Boo-boo.
Boo-boo. Lily, this always happens when you have sausages for breakfast.And you get the micrometer.
Never mind, I was just talking.
Look, Lily, I have to get to my Uncle Goodheart.
Wait, Edwin.You have time.There's so much that I have to talk to you about.
All right, Lily, start talking.Well, Lily... Foo-foo.
Foo-foo.Lily, I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed this little chat.
We must have these little talks oftener.It's amazing how many subjects you've covered from boo-boo to foo-foo.
Edwin, doesn't the fact that I know about boo-boo and foo-foo mean anything to you?
Yes, dearly darling, it means a lot to me.It means, sweetheart, that we must get you to a sanitarium immediately.
Taco analysis will do wonders for you.
Now, now, we must face facts. A few years on the couch, shock treatments, good professional care.By and by, no one will even suspect that my little Lily had snapped her cap.
A woman called and wanted to speak to you.
A woman called to speak to me?
Sounds unbelievable, doesn't it?
All right, Agnes, roll over and play dead.Lily, because some strange woman... This was no strange woman.
This was someone you know very well indeed.She calls you Boo-Boo.That's a new one.She left a message.She told me to tell you Foo-Foo is at the Hotel Aster.
Yeah, what happened to the Aster?
Confess, you beast. Edwin, if there's any way you can explain it.
Now I get it, now I get it.Lily, do you actually suspect that I'm running around with a foo-foo who calls me boo-hoo?
Oh, Lily, you make me feel 20 years younger.
Suspecting me of some hanky-panky.At my age, what a nice thing to say.What a lovely gesture.Now, Edwin, the truth. Oh, no, Lily.If it was true, you'd be the first to know.I'd be so proud, I couldn't keep it to myself.
Oh, Edwin, you're terrible.I knew it.The worm wormed his wormy way out of it.Oh, now, Agnes, maybe we were hasty.
No, it's we.So little Agnes had her dirty little paw in the pie.So it's we.
Still trying to stir up trouble around here, aren't you, Agnes?
Maybe life is too dull for you in this house, Agnes.Maybe you miss the excitement of your old job, fixing basketball games.
Jan, I'd like to dribble that head of yours down the floor.Agnes!
Now, Edwin, she was just trying to help me.
Help?Oh, what have I done to deserve this?Other people have maids. We have a fifth column in the house.
All right, Edwin, so the whole thing's a little mistake.
Yeah, let's not make a federal case out of it.
Oh, Lily, how could you have been so foolish?
Oh, you're right, Edwin.The mere thought of you and another woman.If I'd have thought twice, I would have realized how ridiculous it is.
Wait, you know what I mean.
Well... Give it to him straight.The old gray mare ain't what he used to be.
So that's what you think, Lily.I'm ready to be put out to pasture.
Edwin, stop.This is nonsense.You know, I think you're even more glamorous and irresistible than the day I first met you.
Oh, the day we first met.
Remember that day, Lily?The whole country remembers the day.It was the day Fort Sumter was fired upon.
Oh, my dear Agnes, speaking of firing... Edwin!
I remember that day.You were young, gay.Edwin wanted you the matinee idol.Oh, what a catch.Every girl on Broadway had set their cap for you, but you always got away.
Then you, Lily, you came along.
Yes, Edwin. I caught you.
What'd you use, honey, cockroach powder?
That reminds me, Lily, the Air Corps asked us to send them another picture of Agnes' mouth.They need it as a model for their new wind tunnel.
Edwin, stop.Don't blame me for being suspicious.You're quite the ladies' man in your day.
Always and only you, sweetheart.25 years.No boo-boos, hoo-hoos, or goo-goos.
Remember that song?Our song?
Oh, yes.How could I forget it?How did it go again?Oh, yes.I want to be loved by you, just you, and nobody else but you.I want to be... Edwin Montague, you're a beast! Lily, our song.
That isn't our song at all.
No, that's the song she was singing when she called.Who called?Boo-Boo.
Oh no, Boo-Boo again.Lily, believe me, as sure as my name is Boo-Boo, I mean... I mean, Hedwig, my dear, I don't know who the woman is.
Oh, stop lying, it's true.Agnes was right.You're two-faced.Yeah, you're a regular Georgie Jessel and Mr. Hyde.
Lillie, I haven't the vaguest idea why I sang that song.
It was your guilt coming out.I've been a fool.
But Lillie... Cut the rope, Bobo.
Go to your broadcast, go to the Astor, go to Foo Foo.Agnes!
All right, if my word doesn't mean anything in my own home, it's time to go.Goodbye. Oh no, how did I get into a mess like this?Who is Fufu?What is that song?Why can't women leave me alone?
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And now, back to the magnificent Montague!With his mind baffled with the identity of Foo Foo, the mystery woman who is making his wife Lily jealous, Montague is just finishing his Uncle Goodheart radio broadcast. Listen.
And now, dear listeners, remember, keep your head high, into the sun, and learn.
So ends another episode of Uncle Goodheart, brought to you by Plugal Soap. And until tomorrow, when he'll be back with his friendly advice, here is Uncle Goodheart with his thought for the day.
When your axe accidentally hits your neighbor's foot and the blood spurts out by the quartz, don't just stand there as he glares up at you.Say to him, A penny for your thoughts.Okay, you're off the air, Mr. Montague.Thank heaven.What a program.
You sure gave your listeners something to sink their teeth into today.Good, as long as it isn't my throat. It was a crackerjack show, Mr. Montague.Oh, here's our director, Mr. Zinzer.Good show, eh, Zinzer?
Ah, it was a double-barreled, rip-snortin' wing-dinger.All right, Zinzer.
It was a daisy. Oh please, it was 15 minutes of the corniest drivel I've ever heard on the air.You can say that again.
Don't say things like that!Every big stockholder in Flugelshof, our sponsor, is in town.They're having a big meeting.The stockholders are putting their heads together?Yes.Timber! Mr. Montague, it's our sponsor.
Mr. Flugel wants me to introduce you to one of our biggest stockholders.He's an oil millionaire from Texas.He came all the way from Texas just to meet you.Oh, all right, bring him up.I have nothing else to do.I can't go home.
Who knows if I have a home left?I'll bring him right up.
What's the matter, Mr. Montague?Trouble at home?Trouble, Zinza?
What happened?The refrigerator on the blink again?
You forgot to defrost it, huh?
Zinzer, my job is to try and defrost my wife.
Oh, dear.I know just how you feel.My wife isn't exactly a forest fire herself.
Wait, Zinzer.I only had a clue if I only remember who is who.
The only thing in French I remember is Nick's Breckenzie Deutsch.
Ah, that's a big help.Oh, wait, Zinza.Does this mean anything to you?What?Listen.I wanna be loved by you, just you, and nobody else but you.I wanna be loved by you, alone.
Well, Zinza?Please, Mr. Monaghan, I'm a married man. Oh, Zinza, stop that.I gotta go and pick up your Uncle Goodheart's sand mail.
See you later.God, what a mess.There you are, Uncle Goodheart.Oh, cheers, friend. Uncle Goodheart, I want you to meet one of our biggest stockholders, Mr. Thomas Kessler.How do you do, Mr. Kessler?Big Tom Kessler to you, Uncle Goodheart.
Well, how do you do, Big Tom?
Well, now, that's more like it.I can see right off we're going to get along like a doggie and a longhorn.Yes, I'm sure we will.
I understand you own oil wells.
Yeah, I'll name my biggest will after you.Uncle Goodheart Gusher.And I got a ranch called El Rancho Goodheart.I reckon that you must have guessed it by now.
You're my hero, Uncle Goodheart.You listen to my program?I never missed a one, sir.The only thing that can relax me, that and reading my bank book. I'll touch him.Yeah, something I'd like to talk to you about, Uncle Tom.
Well, Big Tom, maybe I can help you.Well, now that's the only reason I come here to New York.I need your guiding hand.What is it?My wife, Uncle Goodheart.I'm having wife trouble.There's another man?Uncle Goodheart is driving me plum loco.
What can I do?Give him the beating of his life.A beating that'll teach him that he can't philander around breaking up a Happy American Home.Go get him.That's all I wanted to hear.
I'm riding the reins.Yeah, remember the Alamo.I'll never forget it.Now, Uncle Goodheart, what can I do to repay you?Oh, please.
Oh, let me give you a bank or something.No, thank you.I've got to get home.
Well, all right.Now, here are the keys to
These are the keys to my car.You drive it home.
I don't drive.Well, then you get someone to drive you.Now, it's parked in front of Radio City.You can't miss it.It's parked from 51st Street up to 53rd.
It's kind of long with the tire in the back.
But I... I'll call you and I'll let you know what happened.
Good old Uncle Goodheart.I can settle everybody's problems for my own. Hiya, Zinza.
Boy, Mr. Montague, with that fan mail stacked up, you want to read some?
Never mind, Zinza, can you drive?Oh, sure.Someone left me with a car.Would you drive me around until I've worked up enough nerve to go home?Here are the keys.
Gee, a Cadillac.Let's drive up to the Bronx and pick up my wife. I can just see the expressions on the faces of her friends when we drop her off at the laundromat.All right, let's go.
Agnes, I give up.I went through everything in his desk.Not a clue as to who Foo Foo is.Did you have any luck?
A lot. Like you told me, I called the astronauts for foo-foo.They connected me with a Pekingese.
Agnes, I can't believe it.I can't believe that Edwin found somebody else.After all, we've met to each other.Look, look, I found this in his scrapbook.
What is it?His draft notice from the Civil War?
Please.Look, it's the theater program of the first Siegfeld Follies I was in.
He was saving his... Hey, look at that.Will Rogers was in it.Eddie Candy.Here's a picture of the finale.Where were you?Let's see.
Oh, here I am.Between Marilyn Miller and... What was this girl's name again?Uh... Uh, Ginger... Ginger... Jenkins.Ginger Jenkins.That's right.Ginger Jenkins.Yeah.Oh, what a flapper she was.Remember the song she sang in the show?
Yeah, it went something like this.I wanna be loved by you, by you, and... Edna. I know.
Foo-foo!Oh, of course, Ginger Jenkins.Edwin used to go out with her before we were married.So she's the one who's been calling.
I remember that vamp.What a gold digger.She wasn't a gold digger.She wasn't, huh?When she went out with a man, the fillings in his teeth weren't safe.
Oh, that's not true.She just liked to have fun. You should have seen Edwin in the roaring twenties.
I've seen enough of him in the faltering fifties.
And here I was suspecting Edwin.He hasn't even seen Ginger since we were married.The phone.I'll answer it.Hello?
Is Mr. Montague home yet?
Ginger, this is Lily, Edwin's wife.Lily Bowane.
Lily Bowane? Holy cow, are you still alive?
All right, Ginger, come right over here.We only live a few blocks away.
Well, if it's all right with you.
Bye now.Honey, are you nuts inviting Miss Hot Stuff over here?
Agnes, it was so long ago that she and Edwin had anything to do with each other.There's no danger.
There ain't, huh?Old flames never die.They just get hotter.
It is.Remember the clothes that Jane used to have on and how her figure filled them? Honey, don't take any chances.Get into that new backless, frontless, topless evening gown you bought.Oh, no, no.I've been saving it for an occasion.
Honey, the occasion's here.Foo-foo's coming loaded for bear.Get into that evening dress.Agnes, you're right.I haven't realized what a stick in the mud I've been.Lily Bo' Wame, rise again.Hop into that gown.It'll only take a minute.
You need any help squeezing into it, honey?Just yell.I'm coming. Ah, here he is, Bo Brummel.Never mind, I guess where's Lily?She's in her room, don't go in there.But I must see Lily.Wait till she comes out, you'll see plenty of her.
I just want to tell her.Quiet, here she comes.Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Lily Bo'ang.
Lily, you forgot to get dressed. Agnes, for heaven's sake, pull down the shade.
Now, Lily, this is a respectable neighborhood.
Edwin, it's a new style.It's off the shoulder.
Cover up.Please be sensible.
I refuse to have my wife prancing around dressed like a Ziegfeld Follies girl.
You seem to like Ziegfeld Follies girls.
What are you talking about?
I know, Edwin.We found out.
You did?Ah, holily, who is she?
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Ginger!Jink!Oh, no!Not that scatterbrain little flirt!Yeah, is she still alive?
Not only that, Edwin.I've invited her up here.
That's why you're in that dress.
Oh, Edwin, forgive me. It's just that I know she's gonna show up dressed to the teeth, and I didn't want to look like a drab.
Oh, Lily, Lily, Lily, how could you look drab to me?
Now get out of that G-string and put on something else.
All right, Agnes.Let's get it over with.Let her in.
Yeah, that's him.Boo-boo!
Boofoo!Hang out, Ginger.You haven't changed a bit.
Oh, I'm just a hag.But you, Edwin, you're still as cute as a button.
And you still have that tickly beard.Tickly, tickly beardy.
I'm opening the window.It's getting sticky in here.
There you are.Look, Ginger got here.
I've got an idea.Ginger, all dressed, and let's go to the nightclub.
Whoopee!But, Edwin, a nightclub.
This is an occasion.It certainly is.Come, foo-foo, let's dance.
I want to be loved by you, don't you?I want to be loved by you.I guess the telephone.
I'll get it, Mr. Recer. Hello?Uncle Goodheart?Hold it.
Uncle... Oh, no.How did anyone find out I'm Uncle Goodheart?Hello?Oh, Big Tom?I see.They gave you Uncle Goodheart's phone number at the radio station.What?The detective follows your wife and they're together right now?Good.Do your duty.Break in.
Beat him up.Get him one for me, you skunk.Good Lord!
Some boy I met at the station.Big Tom Kessler from Texas.
Big Tom Kessler?Oh, Edwin, I didn't know you knew my husband.
Yes, I met him at the... Your husband?
He's a millionaire.Get her out of here.Edwin!
Lily, he's going to kill me.Ginger, get out of the back door.
This way, Ginger.Through the back.Oh, you must visit her aunt.
Open up the door!I found out who you are, Edwin Montague!Open up!Edwin!Edwin, who is that?
Never mind, never mind.All you have to remember is that I'm not Edwin Montague.
Not Edwin... Open up there before I break the door down!
One moment, please.I'll open the door.
Why, you thieving ratter!Uncle Goodheart!Now, what are you doing in the apartment of that ratter, Edwin Montague?Big Tom... The detective told me to follow her here.
She's gone, Big Tom. I had a good talk with both of them.Montague took her back to the hotel room.I'll kill him.That's him.That's Edwin Montague.Stand back, big Tom.I'll open the door.Oh, it's you.
Oh, Uncle Goodheart. Well, I parked her like you told me.Here are the keys.I'll kill him!
Let go of me!Let me at him, Uncle!
Boy, is she a beauty!What a chassie!Chassie?Listen to him!She belongs to me!I'll kill him!Boy, does she look snappy with her top down!Her top down!Big Tom!Let go of me!
Big Tom, put that gun down, Zinzer!Get out!I'll strangle him!
That's what I'll do!I'll use my bare hands!Thanks for letting me use her!Goodbye!Let me go!
Let me go!There! Oh, Uncle, why didn't you let me get him?I had him with the goods.Why did you stop me?
Because, Big Tom, I didn't want you to soil your hands on that low, dirty snake, Edwin Marshall.I want you to take your little wife back to Texas with clean hands.Well, you're right, Uncle Goodheart.
Oh, I know I'm right.Yeah, well, you saved me from myself.Tell me, Uncle Goodheart.What is your real name?Just Uncle Goodheart. Just Uncle Goodheart?Just Uncle Goodheart.
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Listen again next week, friends, to The Magnificent Montague, starring Marty Woolley.The Saturday night transcribed feature on NBC's all-star festival of comedy, music, mystery, and drama.
Brought to you by Aniston, for fast relief from pain of headache, neuritis, and neuralgia.By RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television.And by Extra Mild Fatima, Best of all, king-size cigarettes.
In Fatima, the difference is quality.The Magnificent Montague was created and directed by Nat Hyken and written by Nat Hyken and Billy Friedberg.Anne Seymour was Lily, Pert Kelton was Agnes.
Also heard on tonight's broadcast were Art Carney, Johnny Gibson, John Griggs, and Barbara Weeks.Jack Ward was at the organ.This is Don Pardo speaking. Stay tuned for the best in popular music.It's the musical merry-go-round on NBC.KFI Los Angeles.
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