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Welcome to Off The Vine.I'm your host, Caitlin Bristow.Jared Jordana from You Up podcast.Such a pleasure to be here.I'm so excited.You guys, you always make me laugh.You're a new fast friend.
You're such an easy person to talk to.
Oh, I feel the same about you.
We just came off your guys podcast.So you guys should check that one out, too.But yeah, well, let's get into it.
Oh, my God.I said I was going to drink last night.I had six martinis.
Welcome to the podcast.Welcome to Off the Vine.I feel like I always like starting the podcast with just like genuine conversation like we were just having.So go on with your six martinis.
Well, I mean, I just, I had, I, martinis get away from me.
I think I'd be dead if I had six martinis.I would be dead if I had six martinis.
Well, sometimes they come in a small glass.Sometimes they come in that little tiny martini.
What's that one bar, Tower Bar?Is that in?
Tower Bar.I don't know it.
You don't?No.Oh, it's a cute little New York spot that I love.And I feel like they have to be mobbed.It's very tiny in there, but they have the best martinis and little truffle popcorn that they bring to you at the bar.
Oh, I know where you went.
What's our martini orders?
Yeah, what are you ordering?
Oh, so I had a martini last night.I love going to restaurants by myself and having a martini and reading a book.So that's what I did.
Oh. That's like a quintessential New York.It's funny because I say I like book, but then the book is up for like two seconds, but really I'm just scrolling the whole time.We are the same.I like a dirty gin martini.Gin girl.Yeah, I love gin.
So here's my opinion on a gin martini.
Regular dirty or extra dirty?Regular dirty.Actually baby dirty.Lucy's olives?No, regular olives.
I think a great gin martini, a gin martini has to be made great or it's horrible.
A vodka martini can be made okay and it's still good.I can't drink vodka.
Angry.I am mean, mean, mean on vodka.
So gin is your alcohol of choice or just for martinis?
Just for martinis.I love a tequila soda, but wine is always my go-to.
I'm thankful that I'm a happy drunk.I'm like a lovey drunk.
I thought I wasn't a happy drunk until I got into a relationship.
I get a little angry drunk in relationships.The little things come out.
But then they get like, things you haven't put out there, if you get drunk and they come out, they always come out horribly in that way.
But it's funny, I always thought, because I was single for so long, I was like, I'm a great, I just fall asleep, I'm great.And then I got into a relationship and I'm like a monster.I'm like, oh my God, I'm not a happy drunk, weird.
I got drunk in front of a sober person recently.And I was like, uh-oh. And he was like, you're a great drunk.That's a great compliment.
That's a great sober person too.
You want sober people to be like, I remember in college we had a friend of ours that stopped drinking and he was like, he was awesome.Because you'd walk into his room the next morning, he'd be like, You were great.You did this, you did that.
He would give you the whole background on your night.And I was like, thanks.Probably stole your wallet.Listen, I would have paid him.
I would pay someone to follow me around at night and then just be by my side the next day and go, here's what happened.Here's what you did.Here's how awesome you are.I would pull this a little bit back.
You know, like to give me the review.Like a real honest review.
Like pull up a, like a PowerPoint presentation and like give me the rundown on how I could improve.Cause it's not stopping.Right.Yeah.So how can I improve after a six martini?
You know, like I, yeah, maybe.As long as I'm not going backwards.
It's funny to think that like, if I got rich enough for an assistant, they'd be like, what was it like working with Jared Freed? weirdly PowerPoints about how drunk he got the night before.That was all I did.
You do get paranoid.I feel like when we were in Cannes together, he would text every morning, is anyone mad at me?
How are we?I need to be more like that.I'm just like, I was probably awesome last night.I'm like moving on.And they're like, um, actually, no, that's I six martinis would I can only have one.
I went to a Bangkok supper club, which is a restaurant that had been on my radar.You've been there, Jordana, no? No, no, I thought you went there.
It's the food is very good, but it's it's a little small, like like I had more than I ordered more than I thought was going to be too much and it ended up being fine enough.But delicious food.OK, great bar.
And they made this martini that came in a little tiny cup.
Okay, so you had six tiny martinis.
Well, I think I had three there and then I moved on and that's where the night should end.And I am classic one more spot and it's never... Same.Right?
I am always the nightcap girl.I always want one more and the next day I'm always the girl that goes, God, I should have just stopped.And I don't learn.
Well, it's because when you're in it, you're like, if you're already drinking, you're kind of like, well, I'm here.Why not?Let's keep it going.
And I love a social beverage or a solo beverage.I have a video.This should be my confession.I have a video of myself wasted. listening to Taylor Swift in my backyard, smoking a cigarette.I don't smoke.Where'd you get a cigarette then?
Somebody had left it at one of my house gatherings.Found it on the floor.It was in my backyard.It was there's half left.It was a menthol.And I decided to record myself.
And I'm just smoking, singing Taylor Swift by myself.And in the moment, I thought, this is what life is all about.This is what it's all about.I have peaked.And then the next day I'm like.
My own backyard.Yeah, no, I know that feeling of like a few drinks in, you kind of like smell the world.
Take a deep breath.I've done that before.I love it.I can't wait to do it tonight.
Where are you going to go tonight?You're in New York City.I love hearing people's New York.Are you going to smoking room? I'm going to the cigar bar.
I'm doing that so I can only drink black coffee right now because I'm doing I'm going to do the prenuvo body scan.What's that?Oh, I've heard of that.I really want to do that.They do like an MRI for your whole body.
Yes, and you get to watch Netflix and they gave me a little 0.5 lorazepam to take.But what's the scan to do?It basically tells you your cancer. It tells you everything like brain, heart, liver.I think I heard about it.
It's expensive to do.The Kardashians are known.So you're doing this for what?
Honestly, I'm curious about my liver and how it's doing.
Well, that's the problem.If it tells you the liver is good, you're going to go to another level of drinking.You're going to be on three martinis.
I want one.Right.Just to know.Right.
OK, I'm going to cook shop.You should try to smoke a cigarette in the machine. In the Prenuvo machine.
Take that!What's happening to my lungs?Might as well.So we just did your podcast called You Up Podcast, right?That's right.That's right.Killed it.Where we give dating advice.Yes.Are you both single?No, I'm married.Oh, you're married?Yes.For how long?
Um, like two and a half years.Oh, so that's a nice combo then.
Yeah.Okay.For some reason, I didn't look at your finger.That's okay.Oh, I was wondering because you had said something on the other podcast and I couldn't tell if you were single or not, but okay, that makes sense.You guys give dating advice.Yes.
And it's so interesting to me because one of my videos that we clipped from my last podcast, people loved your dating advice.
I appreciate that, yeah.I mean, we've been talking dating now for seven years almost.
And I think it's hard, you know, the dating advice that I said on your show was take the word, say if you're confused about something, take the word, say you're turned off and it'll answer your question.
And I think that comes from like the years of, you know, Jordana and I talking about, and hearing the issues of our listeners and being like, just seeing things that come up all the time.And the one thing we always hear is, I'm so confused.
And then the minute you break that down- Why is he doing this?Why is he doing this?What is going on?And I'm on the other side of it most of the time where I'm the guy and I'm representing the dude you're dealing with.
And I'm like, well, I very often have had women Why is this?Instead of like, hey, I'm upset that you're doing this in this way.And rarely are these women wrong.
We don't want to scare men away, I think.So then it's always like, I'm wondering why you're doing this instead of, like you said, I'm turned off.
Has it helped you in your marriage to have a podcast about dating advice?
Yes and no.I think it definitely has helped me doing this podcast with Jared, hearing the male perspective from someone who's not in it with me.Because someone could tell you the male perspective, but if you're currently fighting with them,
It doesn't feel like it's totally unbiased.
Whereas I think the stuff I've learned about you from the way that men, about the way that many, not all men, but many men, most men, depending on who you ask, think, I think has been helpful just to like make things less personal because so few things are as personal as we make them and that I think is what makes dating feel so intense and feel so like
Depressing sometimes is it all feels so personal when usually it's not yeah Like I got a message last night actually from a woman and she showed me these screenshots.She's like five dates and
we haven't been physical yet, and he sent me this text, and it was him breaking up with her.And she was like, I feel like all of this is an excuse for why he won't date me, or he just doesn't like me.
And I was like, that's such a funny thing from my end, because I'm like, I would never tell a woman that I've dated that I don't like her.It's just never gonna happen, never.I'm never gonna be, and you know.
Do you not like some people that you've dated though?
But also, even if I didn't like them as a person, which would be weird, I think, to date someone then.
For long enough for them to be upset, you wouldn't date.
Right, I wouldn't be in it that long to have to send a breakup.And the person's like, why don't they just say I don't like you?I'm like, well, you want less than humanity. You have to remember, none of these men are smarter than you.
None of these men are, they're just trying to feel like good people and move on with their day in the same way you are.But a lot of people want, and the way dating is kind of composed, a lot of women want guys to worship them or chop off their heads.
And it's like, you're asking for them to take responsibility for your feelings a lot of times.And I'm trying to give the voice of like, reasonability for an unreasonable thing.It's unreasonable to dump someone you like.
Why don't you just stay with me?I'm me, you like me.
You know, but- Cause women don't really do that.I feel like we don't really date people that we like, but don't want to date.So true.
Right.That's so true.Cause, well, cause men also think if you are like a sexually active man, you're like, oh, well it's sex.I can keep getting it.And I can, and the women, I feel like need more of an emotional attachment.Right.
And so that causes confusion.
Well, and it's also like if I'm not a scientist, obviously, you know, like the things guys like are on the outside.
You know, like you see everything.It's all in front of you.A lot of women, you got to like unwrap it and see what's going on down there.Yeah.
So you see if it's trustworthy, see if it's big enough, you know, like this is all, you know, it's a little bit.
you know, if you get into like the woo-woo of it all, but yeah, I just, I love talking about dating in a way, and I think like, it's powerful that it's coming from betches, that we're taping this now, and like, Jordana allows me to like, you know, a lot of people could just look at me and be like, you disgusting animal, shut the fuck up.
Well, but you've always given me the ability to like, you know, like, let's have, it's an, dating is an uncomfortable conversation.
Relationships is uncomfortable.How do we have an uncomfortable conversation in a comfortable way?
Right.Especially cause it gives somebody permission to ask questions that they can't go ask their partner on the third date.Right.
I think that's the best part about listening to the show, single or with a partner is you get to kind of listen and say, Would this be a deal breaker for you?It kind of opens the door to conversations you wouldn't have otherwise.
Yeah, it validates people and allows them to be able to ask questions and get a different perspective.It's like a safe place for them.
Exactly.We don't really give rules, like you were saying, because everything is about what works for you and what doesn't work for you.And I think that doesn't get as many sound bites, but that's actually the way most things work in a healthy way.
It's funny because you talk about the clip that did well and people responded to.It's so weird to hear people be refreshed by that.This is diet and exercise.I'm not saying anything that's crazy, but we see dating stuff out there that is horrific.
It's screaming at you. You know, the reason, you know, podcasts have gotten very popular because people want to do other things.You know, we have a podcast, it's a podcast, it's a show.So it's like, it's, it's just interesting to me.
It's like, you see, you gotta do, you know, if he wanted to, he would, you know, it's like all this, like, and it's all very like, It's all very judgy.I don't think dating talk can be judgy.I think we have to all say, I've done this.
That's credibility.I've done the guy doesn't text you back.I've done the breakup for no good reason.I know that guy.I am that guy.
How did you meet your husband in New York?Cause I feel like that's like an extreme sport dating here.Yeah.
I mean, I'm from like long Island and so we had a lot, we were set up by mutual friends, which I think is like a nice way in New York, especially cause like, I feel like there's so many people that people feel a little disposable.Yeah.
Yeah.And you've, I'm out there.I'm just, uh, I'm just, uh, have you been on any dates?
I've been on dates.Recently?
Yeah.Give me a high and a low.
High and a low.Peek in a pit.Peek in a pit, yeah.This is something that a lot of men get accused of, but I told you this the other day.I'm getting a lot of no questions. Oh, like no.Hey, you know, I don't know.
It's what do you mean?The date is not asking you.Right.
I'm asking.I feel like I'm interviewing them a little bit, you know, like I feel like they're on my podcast.
Not like it's just like I think that's code for like I'm getting a lot of people with bad personalities.
Or fans that already know everything about you Maybe we've all we've all googled people.
Yeah, but you don't like when people pretend I would rather than be like, here's what I know.
Here's what I do And it can be said in a way that's not like mean like I don't like if someone was like I have never listened anything I've had people I go on days ago.I've met I gotta like let you know.
I haven't listened to what thing you've done and
They're like, you have bad taste.Right.
Who are you listening to?You know, like get real defensive.I haven't listened to it.And then when we when we made and they'll say that when we made the date, I kind of stayed away from it because I wanted to meet you.
And I'm like that to me makes sense.Yeah.But then I would expect, well, then you got to also ask what's going on in your life.I don't know.That's been a little bit just recently.The peak has been You know, the, uh... All the sex.
All the f***ing sex.All the dicks, I mean.
Balls and mouths.That's the peak.
Thank you for your honesty.
Sexually explorative women, that's what I got.
Do you find it hard to date in New York compared to other like, why do people think New York is so hard to like date and find people?
I think every city thinks they're the worst to date in.Nashville?No, you guys think it's great there?
Is that the Garden of Eden?
I've never, actually I did go on one date there.What was that like?
Where'd they take you, Kid Rocks?
Yeah, yeah.What's the street that everyone?Broadway.Broadway, yeah.Oh God, actually we did go there.Come on.It was kind of like a group situation.Okay.But I do feel like people find people quick in Nashville. and settle down.Right.
So I don't know if that's like a good.
Well, you know, I think when we what Jordan says is so correct because we go to like I think Nashville here's here's your issue in Nashville.A lot of people coming in for a weekend.Yeah.And dudes are coming in being like, I'm here for the weekend.
What are you doing?A lot of distraction in that way. Two, everyone kind of knows each other if you live there.You start sharing a social scene that's a little bit smaller, even though you're in a big town.So that's not helpful.
So we went to, where did we go?San Francisco.They're like, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.They're like, there's a lot of men, but they're a little bit weird.
They're like tech guys.That's fair.
But I think New York, the hard part is a lot. Yeah, more of everything so many options so many options more more more and people move to New York to hustle Yeah, people move here for something else.
They love not just to meet to meet Someone and move to the suburbs near New York.
They are here with a dream So if you meet someone doing a thing like, you know And that could be finance as you know as as boring as that sounds to some people know I'm here to get Rich.
Yeah, you know, you don't move to New York to like be just whatever well So I think a lot of people find that like busy is really a thing Yeah, and there's just a lot there's just so many people here So I think there's a sense of like I probably and maybe more in Nashville where you're kind of like if I meet someone great There's not like an endless amount of people here.
So let me lock them down if I like them whereas in New York It's like this person's great, but there's
And you could you can actually search by like if you go on a this dating app specific but like you can search by like I want Jewish woman 27 to 40 and you never run out. You're like, I can't believe there's this many.
Is that what your search engine looks like?Yeah, maybe.Which I think is great in some ways.It's like every again, every city.That is kind of nice.Every city thinks they're the worst, but really it's just a different mix of pros and cons.Yeah.
Do you know what I mean?Right.
If I search Jewish woman 27 to 40 in Nashville, it'd be one woman named Rhonda.
Right.Yeah, so I'm saying you get three, so that's a drawback of there.
And maybe people in Nashville are like, are settling down, but they're, you know, maybe they're, they, they could have found someone better for them if they were in a bigger city.So I think it's more of just a trade off.
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So like, what's the craziest story you've ever heard with or experienced with the dating app?
Well, it's not crazy.You know, it's funny.Like when I'm asked about crazy stories, it's usually like my frustrations and they're actually like get debated.Like I think women encounter like crazy shit because it's,
bad combination of like guy who wants sex with Especially on an app.Yeah, when a guy gets a match on an app.Oh, she wants to fuck me.
Yeah, that's not how it's necessarily Intended I think from this podcast like a woman's like, oh, there's a lot of boxes here Let me go and see what it's like, right and a guy's coming in like wild animal
You know, and it's like, because that's also a positive.If you're out there and you're like wondering if he's attracted to you, every guy goes, no guy goes on a date with a woman he's not attracted to.So he's attracted to you.
So like, you know, you are his version of whatever he's looking for.But like, I've had an instance recently, and we talked about this with your sister, about hood fishing.
Instead of catfishing, they are telling me that they're in one neighborhood that they are not actually living in.
They work in the city, but they live in the suburbs.
But their profile says they're in Manhattan.Or they're here for a weekend.And it happens differently.From the male end, I think it's actually interesting.
because you were on our podcast and you said you would like a long D, long distance relationship.You did say that.But it is interesting, the amount of women that I get DMs from, and listen, I am like you. I'm an extreme example, but it is relatable.
So it's like a woman will be like, I'd move to New York.I'd pick up my whole life if you told me to.And I'm like, what the is this?I don't want this.This is a lot of pressure.So it's a lot of pressure.I matched with a woman.
And literally she said it's happened a lot.So not just her, but it's happened a few times where we're talking, talking, talking.And then I'm like, oh, you're right nearby.And she's like, I'm heading to Miami, heading to Miami.Didn't say back.
And the whole time I'm like, this is a Manhattan woman.
What a shitty foundation to start on.Lies.
Right, but then I go, are you in?And so we start texting a little more and it turned into like, I was like, are you in Miami or New York?And she's like, well, I'm here all the time. That's how it ends.
And I do think if you ever come down to Miami, maybe we could meet.And this is how it ends.And I go, listen, I was as respectful as I could be.I go, this isn't for me.I've done this dynamic.And it's interesting that I'm the devil in this.
I'm the one not trying.I'm the asshole.To me, this is crazy.
It's actually crazy.I think there's a few reasons that women do this.There's like multiple reasons.One, there's like, OK, you live in the suburbs and you're pretending to live in the city, right? City is cooler, right?Sure.It's a more desirable area.
It shows you're more of a person of the world.It shows you're maybe working in something exciting.
And more single people in a city, denser population.
More options, right?That's one reason.And then I think the other reason is that women, kind of like you just said about men, men are on the apps and they're always like, oh, This person would have sex with me, right?
That's the thought that's going through their head.I think if women are on the apps and even if they live in a different place or they're swiping in a city they're visiting to, they're like, I could make this work.
I could make a relationship with anyone.If it worked out, like, I'd be willing to make sacrifices.
It's so funny, but to stay on this, it's so funny when you guys are like, when I'm like, yeah, when a guy gets a match on an app, it's like, oh, she'd fuck me.That sounds crazy probably to a lot of people.They're like, well, that's not how I swipe.
I'm not a slut.I'm not like a whore.It would become defensive, but I'm just telling you how the guy is, the taste he has.I know how his brain works.
It is interesting to me that you're like, you match with a guy on a dating app and you're like, well, I could make this work to me.That sounds that's as crazy as someone going, well, I could live in the lion cage at the zoo.
I mean, how many, you know, like he's thinking all that show me and you're like, well, I could make a life with this lion.
But how many emails do we get though?From people who were like. He gave up this red flag and this red flag and this red flag, but I kept dating him because you never know.I could work with this or something like that.How many of those do we have?
So many.I could work with this.It seems to be the female mantra.
Well, we were talking on your guys' podcast on like some, what were we calling it?Like the, what did we say?The things that like, he can't drive this car or he has like a superficial like things that you're allowed to have as deal breakers.Yeah.
Like what is your superficial deal breakers?Cause we kind of talked about mine.
Ooh, my superficial deal breaker.Again, this is the hard part about doing this podcast.
Really?Yeah, I like a curvy woman.
You like curves.Too skinny would be, that's just, I would go, it's not gonna be something that I would be into for long.
Isn't that funny?Why do we shit on people for having a preference?
We should, it's hard for men, I'm saying this, I do think it's hard.There's not a lot of straight men out there with bold opinions on dating and relationships.And it's because it's just an easy person to bash.
And I understand, I'm speaking for the icky.So I do understand that.So I do think, and also when I say skinny ain't for me, You know, that isn't like, I'm not saying vanilla.I don't think that they're bad people or not good looking.I get it.
It's your superficial thing.Right.
Listen, what if I also sit on the podcast?I wouldn't date a teacher.
Yes.Or a speech therapist.Or a speech therapist.Why?It was a superficial thing.
No, a speech pathologist.Speech pathologist, yeah.Well, the speech pathologist rant.
It's more about them as people, and... The teacher is not about them as people, the speech pathologists are horrible people.
Well, I think it's a New York-specific rant, don't you think?Because my thing with speech pathologists... I can't believe I'm gonna... My thing with speech pathologists...
When you move to the city you meet all these women are like going into speech pathology and it seems they do it like under You think I'm like, wow, they're gonna be like teaching.They're like, oh my god They're doing such a selfless thing.
And then you've that they're every single one says the same thing They're like no you get to have summers off on the school calendar You make a ton of money the state pays you to do nothing, you know, like they all have this like When you really talk to one they'll really you find out it's this big grift one
And I don't like to talk to them.
They're just finding one giant loophole to like be lazy.
It kind of feels like that.
Maybe they're just saying that to make it more, to not come off as like they're like a hero.
Again, I'm saying this in jest.Please, speech pathologists, speech therapists.
Come for him.You're great.I love you.
Destroy him.Let me see that fat ass and then we'll talk.So then the teacher thing is like, Listen, I think a teacher, again, I have to explain this.
If a woman was like, I don't want to date a teacher, I don't think many people really say anything bad about her.If a woman was like, I don't want to date a male teacher, you'd be like, yeah, no, I get it.I say that and I have to explain myself.
And it's not that I don't think, people will DM me, you hate teachers.No, I don't hate teachers. It's gonna be for my future kids to have a teacher and I asked the question and you answered, right?
That's I also think teachers a little earnest for you as a comedian, right?
And it's like summers off what you say to because I could get back to the class Yeah, and also like I don't know.
No, I again I don't want to say vanilla when you love chocolate, like I just think like I To me, it's very attractive to see a woman lawyer.I think that's hot.And again, this goes back to the conversation on the podcast that we have all the time.
We get sent, do you think it's hard to date as a woman CEO?And I'm like, you're gonna meet one guy, you might not meet another guy.Yeah, there's issues you have that teachers don't have and vice versa.
Well, you get shit on for that and women get shit on for other things.Of course.
Totally.You know.You know how it is.I get it.Yeah.You podcast with one.Easy peasy.Yeah.What is your superficial non-negotiable?
I had two.One was a marathon runner.I don't like people who run the marathon.
Yeah.I think it's just not a sensibility that aligns with me.
It's just like... I get that.
I've been... I don't know what it is.
Well, to me, I'm like that Well, it's crazy, I feel like, to run for that amount of time.To nowhere.And knowing that you are possibly going to shit your pants or puke and not feel good.Why?
To prove to themselves that they can?I don't know that.
I understand that element of like, what is life not giving to you?
Right.You needed this?Who is this for?
Right.To what?To pat yourself on the back for us to like give money to like thank you?
Whenever there's the marathon, I'm always like, these people are running through all the boroughs.Like, can I give them some errands to run?Things I need to return on the way?It just seems so stupid to run to nowhere.
Calling it running is kind also.
Yes, I'm trying to get the headline
Okay, marathon runners and and this one's probably gonna get me a lot of heat to applies too much sunscreen Like a man just slathering on like he was like too concerned with the sunburn.That's more of an ick.I guess so That's an ick.
I agree.It's Nick.Yeah, I I feel like yeah, men slathering like and they don't rub it in all the way because they're so scared of like a burn.
Just get a burn.Yeah, just get a burn.Agreed.Just get some skin cancer.
That's exactly what it is.
Right.What's wrong with you?
I have a shared ick list with my friends.Ick?Men who shuffle in flip flops, like shuffling.Ooh, a shuffle walk.Yeah, shuffle walk.
How do you shuffle?Like where do you shuffle?Like you're dragging your feet.
It is interesting that that guy's afraid of falling and hurting himself.And you're like, ugh, would
We are on the we are on the same page of doing like superficial like I'm not I'm with you Like the most messed up one smells his fingers
That seems fair.I agree with that.Well, like the sister of Mary, Catherine Gallagher, just.
Even like the way, there's no way to smell fingers, I agree.Because like, how do you even put your fingers up to your face?
And why are you smiling your fingers?But men do this.This would be the best.They'll like swipe their balls and smell their fingers to see.Oh no.
You just wanna know, I did smell my balls the other day.
Can you tell when there's an issue?
Yes, but do you ever smell and go, ooh, Jared, or are you like, oh.Yes.
Sometimes I wear, now that you mentioned, thank you for bringing this up.
I use ball spray.Like a deodorant?Yeah, it's a deodorant for your balls.
And I put it in it.Well, it's for chafing and it's for like, it's like, it's gold bond.Yeah, I'm a huge runner.I gold bond spray.
And it's cooling.So after you get out of the shower, and I'll do from From anus to nuts.Do you do this before a date?Before everything.Sometimes if you've been shaving, it can burn.It actually can burn you.
And you're like, so there's a moment in my apartment where I'm literally jumping around.But it does have a very kind smell. for balls.
Is Gold Bond Johnson and Johnson are completely different because Johnson and Johnson had something that came out where their powder was affecting.This is no talc.Okay.No talc.
It's not going to affect your breastfeeding.
No talc spray.I think I would have saw a report on that.
But you don't swipe and smell in public.
Why why you both asked me this question do I give off?
I would have seen it right now.
I do it in bed.I'll be like Check out your own bodies.
I'll smell like my armpit if I'm think I'm like if I'm To see if their vaginas smell.
Yeah, if I'm about to hook up with somebody I do check.How do you check?Oh
Yeah.I don't know why I just made the hand motion.Is that what it would look like?That's what I do.A little swipe of the knee?A swipe and a sniff.
A swipe and a sniff?I have smelled.I've smelled before.Now that I'm married, I don't, you know.
Whatever goes down there.
It is what it is.That's true.I like that.I can't wait to get there.Right.
I can't wait to get to one of the huge markets.
Is this what I'm trying to get to?
To marry a woman who's just.
You think any married man is smelling his balls before he has sex?No, I think he's.
No, I'm not smelling my balls before sex.
Oh, you're not.It's more for you.
It's more for me.Yeah, I'm more in bed.I think playing with your balls is a very male, like, like, I mean, like Al Bundy, hand in the pant was like him.Playing with balls is a, is an activity.
What age does that start?
Seven.As early as it gets.My earliest memory.
That's actually my first memory.That's a good parenting tip.Just make sure that your son isn't smelling his balls in public.Right.
You got to make sure, hey, stop touching yourself.That's a thing said to young boys.
Yeah, they do that.Well, that's like boobs.Yes, I don't play with boobs.Yeah, see, men think, I would play with boobs if I had them.Guys think that way. We don't sit there and play with our boobs.
Well, boobs are in most of the time in bras.I would think that makes it harder.
I never wear a bra.Never.
Even if they weren't in a bra, I don't think I would be like.Yeah.
If there was a ball bra. But someone could call that underwear.
Yeah, I was going to say, that is a banana hammock.
There's been underwear companies that are trying to make this, like, sack.Cooling effect.No, they're like, it holds it.That holds it is the least comfortable thing I've ever put on my body.I can't deal.
Now you know what it's like to be a woman.Yeah.Right.Tons, they're just throwing uncomfortable stuff around us.Waist trainers.
Literally, why is our underwear a string up the ass?Oh my god.
That's the least comfortable.I remember having to get used to a thong.My mom was like, you should probably wear one for ballet.And I had to get used to something being up my ass.
Is the whole thing with thongs that you don't see the underwear line?Is that the whole thing?
That seems like such a crazy thing to like.
So are high heels.It is crazy.
Like for women, a lot of times it'll be like, you know, you bring up the societal stuff and it's like, well, that's one you guys can fix right away. Heels?No, even heels.What are they for?What are we fixing?I'm saying the underwear.
Oh.Did I say something wrong?Just don't wear thongs.
Yeah, just don't wear thongs.I don't know.Maybe it's for you to not see.
What do you think of full coverage underwear on a woman?
Granny panties, as they've been dubbed.If I saw it, I wouldn't be like, oh, who could touch her?I wouldn't be so offended.I'd be like, oh.Not that I even know her.
Oh is like a man's like, I'm going to put this in the back of my head and break up with her in two months.
That would be like, just tell me you're turned off.Look at this feminist who doesn't care about the world's pressures.
What about underarm hair?
Underarm hair.Yeah, I would again.Oh, I know someone's made decisions Every one of these turns me into like a Well, I'll say this Bush I've always been pro Bush That's me Wow always been pro Bush I
I think that's an age thing.
I had an ex once say to me, oh, is that like a landing strip?And I was like, yeah.And he was like, that must be your age thing.And I was like.
Really?Isn't like most women have nothing?
Yeah, and he was only three years younger than me.That's such a weird, dumb cock block for him to do.I was immediately dry.That must be an age thing.He said that must be an age thing.That's crazy.
If you're seeing the landing strip, the only thing to say is how much it turns you on.Right.
Especially well manicured.
Well, that's why I'm pro-Bush.
A manicured Bush or like a
Wow, that's because I think in this day and age where most people are like waxing.
The idea that you would zig while everyone else is zagging.You must be thinking about it in a sexual way.Like to me, it's like a turn on.
That's like like a non iPhone. Is that sort of the same?Not the same.No, no, that's like on your- Does the iPhone have a bush?Would you date someone who didn't have an iPhone?
Yeah, of course.I would, but I'd be like, what happened?What's going on?
Would you?Yes, you would.Okay.I would be confused.
Would you question it?You'd go, what made you?It would be something that I would go, you can't just be like, oh no, like I'd have to know the deal.Like, did you get money off?Is this a family plan?
Is this a sponsored thing?
Yeah, what's going on? Who pays you to do this?Is it the camera?Like a lot of Android people are like obsessed with the camera.
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I forgot about some of them.Dress pants that are too blue.
Dress pants that are too blue.
Wow.I haven't heard that one before.
What do you think of a green suit?
I love a green suit.Mike loves a green suit.So do I. I like one half of a green suit.Like, I like the green blazer.I don't know if I need the pants also.
On like a black pant?Could you do that?
I don't really know.Mike's very into the green.
Guys love a green suit.Money. No, I've seen a few green suits lately and it's I have had that Lust for them.I want I want to be in a green suit.
It's very Peacocky move a little bold.
Yeah brown shoes green suit Men on one of those swing rides at the fair like with a child like I
I went to Copenhagen and I went to this thing called Tivoli, which is like what Disney was based off of.I think it's in Copenhagen.I might be wrong, but it's called Tivoli Gardens.In the middle, they have this beautiful bar and it's like not Disney.
It's beautiful.Like an adult Disney?Yeah, a little bit.There's kids and there's rides.You went alone?I went alone.
I was alone.A grown man in an amusement park alone.Alone.Is that on the Iglis?Yes.Yeah, that's bad.
Adding it now.No, and then there was a swing that went around in circles.And you went on it.I went on it.And you do feel like less of a man, I will say.
There's some sort of dangling feet.Right.
There's a moment where the ride lifts up, and your feet are now off the ground.And you're like, this isn't, no, I can never again.I'll never get hard.
If you have a kid, it's okay.You're on it with a kid.
Even so, that guy doesn't look great.
But you're right.Me alone.
Taking a selfie.Did you do it?Yes, of course.I have a video of it.I'll show it to you.It came up as a memory a couple days ago.
I get so giggly with Icklis.I don't know why.I could just have a full-blown laugh attack right now.You're just imagining them.
They're absurd.A guy who says ouchie is on the list.That's good.Ouchie. My husband originally, when I started dating him, he said doggie and that I was like, I caught that.I was like, that is, you can't say that anymore.
Well, this is the thing about ick lists is like what makes them funny is that everyone's ick is someone else's husband. You know, so like it's not like you are like sent to the the well to be killed.Yeah, right.
We said owie It's just like well you like this because you see a lot of men on the internet that get angry about this They're like, well, will you add someone's a little choosy?Well, you'll never see dates.
They can't have fun with it
And it's a very like Jordan Peterson.
It's self-deprecating.It's like, we're not saying you.
It's more about us.It's just funny.No, it's funny.And in fact, the people who, the men who give you the X are actually probably better husbands.Because they're like, you know what I mean?
They're not like these douchey guys trying to like posture, come off cool.They're Phil Dumphies from Modern Family.
They are Phil Dumphies.They're on the elliptical, taking selfies and saying ouchie.
And willing to go on that ride alone.
Just slide that in there.Okay, have you guys also heard of breadcrumbing?Of course, yeah.How come I didn't know about breadcrumbing?
I got a whole bag of bread in my... You just breadcrumb girls or what is it?Breadcrumbing, can we get a definition on it?It's gone, it's... You want like the official definition?
Yeah, let's get the official definition because breadcrumbing sometimes you hear it and I go, now it's, the problem with buzzwords is... So many.They just become a thing and then we just say them and they're blanket statements.And so,
This happened with ghosting everything's ghosting and it's like everything's love-bombing everything right and and it's like this is the frustration the frustrating part about dating talk and is Because if you say that then you're right.
Yeah, never one.No one ever goes.Well, what do you mean?
Yeah, and then you go words are very powerful.I
Right, and in the world of dating talk, you know, I'm speaking for the men a lot of times and it's, you know, the men are, it's easy, there's a punch up, punch down.The internet works and like, we can only punch up.
So a lot of dating talk, it's like women punching up at men because they're the ones breadcrumbing, they're the ones doing these things. And a lot of them come from kind of human spots.
Sometimes there's the extreme of someone had sex with you, never called you or talked to you again.That's ghosting and it's most extreme.Dated for three months, then they disappeared.
That's a horrific thing for someone to do.
But then you get in this in-between land where someone's like, well, I text you to go on the date and then you didn't answer and we never met.And they ghosted me and said, okay, do you really deserve the hugs from society?I don't know.
You know, so what is the definition of breadcrumbing?
Breadcrumbing is a form of manipulation in which someone gives another person just enough attention to keep them interested without any intention of committing.It's also known as Hansel and Gretel-ing and is similar to ghosting.
Okay, so I would imagine Hansel and Gretel-ing is way funnier.Yeah, in concrete terms, I think it's like I respond to your Instagram story, but I'm not asking you out.
Or like I'm flirting with you, but then I might not talk to you.
Well, it's interesting.This goes back to something we talked about of like the male plight, which no one cares about.I understand.But I'm just let me give you another side.I have no problem.
The breadcrumbing is like because it's important to that definition is when you know you don't want to go out with them.
Men love vague options.Yeah, so that is inherently puts you in a position to be a breadcrumber, right?Because your whole life as a guy you're told talk to her be a man talk to her and that makes you a man Yeah
being bold, talking to her, telling her you will like her.These are all things that we- And the guy has to say it first.Right, say it first.
And then you get this great tool called the internet where it allows you, the tool, the internet built by nerdy men that didn't have the social abilities to say hello and talk to her.
So a lot of the tools on social media and on dating apps are for half ass. making the water safer to swim into.
So it's like, I don't think a lot of people who breadcrumb, like when we get into the vagueness, breadcrumbing, if you're sending fire emojis to someone, you're never gonna ask out while you're living with another woman.Yeah, you've...
You've cheated on one and you're breadcrumbing the other right, you know But if you're like in the dating world and you're single and you're like she's cute and then it's like can't go out this week But yeah, maybe next week and she's giving me attention.
Like I do think there's there's more Breadcrumbing to me from that definition sounds a lot more manipulative than anything.I
Well, that's the thing.It can be.It can also be flirting.And I'm not sure what I want to do with this person that I like.
I get that.Because I'm like, wow, I could have been a breadcrumber.But I'm just thinking of... I'm just taking my time.
You've DM'd with someone?
It's almost like networking for like dating.You're just keeping your pool wide.And then if you need, you know, it's a Friday, you can then feel like you can, well, that's the manipulative part of it.Like I built trust with this person.
And so I'm going to like tap them when I want something sexually.
And when it's convenient for me.Well, this is the other, with breadcrumbing, it's also like, you know, when does, When does it become offensive?
It's like, well, you're dating someone, you've been on five dates with another woman and you're still sending me texts of we should go out.Okay, that's pretty black and white.
You're doing something kind of wrong to that woman and you're making me think that I'm gonna go on a date with you.But then you go, is three dates with another woman and letting you know I wanna go out?
This is where it gets into the minutiae and that, I mean, this is why I like, I think what we do with the UO podcast is fun and good because we can break it down and go, maybe they're not such a monster.
Or maybe you're needing to be a little bit more alert too.
you're being manipulated.I think that's what we do best on our show, is we make you a better consumer of men that you're meeting.
You're better able to read the signs of this person's being manipulative or this person might not be looking for the same thing as you.Right.
The worst type of person is like, you guys should stop the breadcrumbing.We're never going to stop it.Right. This is Adam and Eve.Are you out of your mind?
We're comparing it to a children's story that's been around for hundreds of thousands of years or whatever it is.We're in the business of it's raining, here's an umbrella.
That's nice.You can never go wrong with that too, because it's also just your opinion.
I'm talking out of my ass all the time.
Is that a turnoff? I actually what is that?
It's like a suction cup thing to like
I have a bad.I have a mine.Mine's a magnet and it pops out a magnet.
Where do you have the fridge?
I watch The Bachelor.I put it up on the fridge.
Really?It's a poor man's TV.
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Okay, I'm gonna play a quick game with you guys.It's pretty much like the game we did on yours.I love it.Love games.
There's only so many games.
There's only so many games.There's just different names for them.It's like, thank you, we're next.This is date or ditch.
Date or ditch, love it.We're gonna be good at it.
So date scenarios, I'm gonna throw them out there and you guys have to tell me if this would be a date or ditch for you.And of course, why?So it's so funny.
These are like some of the similar questions, but your date orders food for you without asking what you like.Now we talked about this on your podcast, but I wanna know.
Unless it's like, I would say Ditch, unless he's at a restaurant he goes to all the time.And he knows what to get.
And he knows your food allergies and intolerances and all of that.
And he's like, listen, the menu is super complicated, but you have to order correctly.And I know exactly what the best items are.I'd be like, yeah, go for it.
I'd be intrigued.It's such a bold move from the male end.Like you don't really meet a lot of women who are like, right, right.There's a very like trope-y male thing to do.That if a woman was like, don't give us a menu, I know what this guy wants.
I'd be like, whoa, this bitch came to play.
Yeah, it's like a power move.Yeah, yeah, yeah.She's gonna be hacking for you.
Right, oh, okay.Yeah, take me on your journey.
That's a good point.I think I would like, I like both scenarios that you just gave.Okay, your date spends more time talking to the waiter than you.
I'm like, are you not entertained?Yeah.
I don't know.Yeah.There's, there's such a thing as like a disrespect on a date.Like when you're on a date with someone, you're there to meet that person.
If you're, if you're actively trying to meet other people on the date, I'm always like, not a good sign.
Right.Agreed.Ditch.What about if they're overly obsessed with their dogs?
What does that look like?
Okay, like I'd probably do it.Like if I was on a date with you and I just kept showing you pictures of my dogs and talking about my dogs and I had dog hair on my outfit.
And I'm not asking you for more?
If I'm not asking for more, it might be a ditch.I just don't think, I think that you, that like my level of being into dogs, which is again, medium.Yeah, I agree with you.I think it wouldn't be, I think we wouldn't be a match.Okay.
I don't think a guy a guy who's being honest has ever been pushed one way or another by a dog.Like I don't think a guy likes a woman more because of a dog.I don't think a guy likes a girl less because of a dog.
I think we are nodding our heads and lying to you to get to other conversations when you talk about your dog.I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I see him on the apps
I'm not like, I see a dating app profile with a dog, and you gotta be good to, if my dog likes you, I like you.
And you're like, okay.Well, guys with dogs try to think that's gonna get them.I think it's manipulative.
I think for the guy to write back to that, I was thinking about it, only because I'm on the apps and you see a lot of, if my dog likes you, I'll like you. And I always think of the dude who would like write to that.
And I'm like, so he's just like lying to her off the bat.Like I like, oh, I love a dog.Like, oh, what's he going to write to that?
Right.You know, to have sex.Right.Yeah.So true.
Yeah.So I just I don't know.That's been on my mind.Oh, I'm so glad.
Yeah.Would you go?Would you be with someone who, like, wasn't that interested in seeing the pictures?
Yeah, I'd be like, pretend.Pretend and lie to me.Smile and nod until we get to the bedroom.
This dog's gonna be making eye contact with you while I suck your dick.You better like it.
Get used to this face.Okay, last one is what if they've never been in a serious relationship before?
How old are they? Well, old.How old am I?Yeah.In the scenario, I guess.You're your age, and they're your age.
They're my age?I wouldn't be a deal breaker, or wouldn't be a ditch.But I think I'd be a little nervous that they were just looking to hook up, because that seems to be what they have been doing.But I wouldn't say that in itself is a ditch.
I think everyone has, and I don't mean to call this baggage, but it is baggage.It is your story.We always talk about that.Own your baggage.It would really be how they played, how they talk about it.That would really make a lot of difference for me.
If someone's like, I've never been in a relationship, but I was hooked.I had this guy, a lot of three-monthers. I never really wanted it and you know, I'm thinking about it now.You know, like it's all, how do you own that story?
You know, in the same way, like that guy who, you know, if a guy's never been in a relationship at your age, you go, well, how do you own that story?
I, cause I think a lot of women get self-conscious about this.And now at 39, if I was on a date with a 30 year old woman who in 2024, I think her parents would think differently than I would.
Like her parents would be like, you've never had a boyfriend?
Like, I'm sure I could understand that that's something, because my parents would be like, even when I was in high school, my parents would be like, none of you and your friends, no one has girlfriends, no one, and I'm like, it's just different.
You know, it's not the same as it was.The idea of like everyone having this high school beau, you know, like, so I, to go too long on this, I know you wanted to date or ditch.
No, but I just think it is something that I think the self-conscious is maybe overblown.
yeah i think that's fair yeah yeah i think that's fair well that was my game i loved your game that's great i actually i really loved being on your guys's podcast that was very fun please come back we loved having you i loved it it was so fun to talk to you guys singing the streets about i uh total change for my initial i'm a caitlin bristowe fan club so i yeah
And I met your niece, you came to the show, we had a drink, it was all fun.
Oh my gosh, she loved you.I sent you a text after, my niece who's 16 was like, she's gonna kill me for saying this, but she was like, Jared is so hot.
Little young, little young.
Little young for me.But I will say I was the fattest and most disgusting I've ever been, so I appreciate it.
Wow.The video, you gotta change the angles on your camera.Just for me.It was like right under, it was like a dad cam.I was also sweaty and hungover again.
The youth thinks you're, that's how you know you're on your way to superstardom.
I'm a hot, come on.That's good feedback.
I'm like a Backstreet Boy.
I'm gonna change the angles of the camera.
Just do it from like the moon. That angle, that's what I need.Wide, downward angle from like a telescope.
I was trying to be like the cool kids like point zero five from down here.
Do you ever see like a wedding album and the photographer's supposed to be really good and they're like, it's like too clear.You're like,
Right, give me some black and white.Yeah, I need some sort of blur.
Yeah, I need like not the clearest picture you have.
I just bought, not to go to Plug City, I just bought a camera that is a, it's like, I don't know why I bought this.It was like such a frivolous purchase.It was like a throwaway, it looks like a throwaway, like it looks like an old.
It looks like a disposable, but it's not.And you can like attach it to your computer afterwards.I like went old school, but only because it showed these pictures that were like a little blurry. And a little artsy.
And so I was like, I'm in.
Yeah, look at me.That's good for you.I'm artsy.Yeah, you are artsy.An artsy runner.And hipster.That's me.Well, thank you so much.And you are going to regret the open door policy because I'm going to come back.Anytime.Anytime.Yes.Friend of the pod.
I love it.I'm Caitlin Bristow.
I'll see you next Tuesday.
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I'm Laura Lee.And I'm Manny MUA.We're OG social media influencers, beauty gurus, and absolute besties.
And we host full coverage.We dish anything and everything pop culture, all the hottest tea, the juiciest gossip, beauty and fashion advice.And we literally have the best celeb guests.
So follow, rate, and review your new favorite podcast full coverage with us, Laura Lee and Manny MUA on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts.
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