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Why do people eat garlic?So you can find them in the dark.Correct.Pay that man $8.How do you make antifreeze?
Correct.Pay that man $9 because... It pays to be ignorant.
A zany half-hour with those masters of insanity, Harry McNaughton, George Shelton, the nail-up girl Lula McConnell, and featuring Doc Novick's orchestra. But now, here's the man who proves it pays to be ignorant, Tom Howard.
We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think the mayor of New York is a horse.First, we have the celebrated author.
First, we have the celebrated author, Mr. Hiram McNaughton, who has just written a book entitled, He Who Gets Up Early with the Son Shouldn't Stay Up Late with the Daughter.But here he is, here he is, Mr. Hiram McNaughton.He has a pole.
I have a poem, yes.Precisely.Good.Nellie Rose sat on a tack.Nellie Rose.Nellie Rose. Next we have a woman, next we have a woman so fat when she walks along Lower Broadway people throw ticker tape out the window, they think it's a parade.A woman?
A woman who when she visits you can stay longer than a half hour than anyone else can stay in a week.Here she is, the pinup girl of Lower Basin Street, Miss Lowell McConnell.You know, I got a dumb thing this morning.I know, you woke up. I overslept.
Yeah, but in my hurry to get my old man his breakfast, I gave him a bowl of soap flakes instead of cornflakes.
Yeah, so I put milk on them and ate them.
Was he mad when he tasted them?
Mad?He was frothing at the mouth. See what you mean.Next we have a man who is so anemic looking, if he ever fell asleep in a tuxedo suit, they'd bury him.A man who when he was a kid, his mother had to buy him back from the dog catchers three times.
Here he is, the flower of his family, that bloomin' idiot, Mr. George Shelton.
with my landlady over at the Borton house.I see, what's the trouble?Well, you know, since the shortage of help and everything, I've been kind of helping around the place a bit.Well, that's nice.But you can't please the old dame.
Everything I do is wrong.I see.She bawled me out yesterday for not changing the water in the Goldfish Co.
pool.Oh, I see.Why didn't you change it?They hadn't drank the water I put in there yesterday. There they are, folks, from now on we guarantee nothing.Now here's the first question.
Mr. Howard?Yes?Mr. Howard, we have a visitor tonight.A visitor?And here he is, that distinguished composer and music commentator, Mr. Deems Taylor.
Well, this really is a surprise, Mr. Deems Taylor.At least we're getting intelligent people on this program. How do you do, Mr. Taylor?This is indeed an honor.
Why, thank you, Mr. Howard.
Let me introduce you to the experts.Mr. Taylor, allow me to introduce you to Mr. Harry McNaughton.How do you do, Mr. McNaughton?Oh, I've never met Mr. Deems, but it's a pleasure to meet his tailor. Mr. McNaughton, this is not Mr. Deems as Taylor.
Well, what did you say it was for?Why do you have to lie like that?I didn't say it.I didn't say it was Mr. Deems as Taylor.
You certainly did.You certainly did.
You said it, and I quote, Mr. McNaughton meet Mr. Deems as Taylor.I know I did.But I didn't say it was Mr. Deems as Taylor.
Are you feeling well, Mr. Howard?
I said this was Mr. Deem's tailor, not the tailor of Mr. Deem.Well, if he's the tailor of Mr. Deem's, he must be Mr. Deem's tailor.
I see.I say, I say, tell me, old boy, how much do you charge to press a suit, Mr. uh... I didn't quite catch your name.I didn't throw it.
You didn't throw it.Very good, Mr. Taylor.Well, whoever's tailor you are, I'm Miss McConnell.And I'm sassy, free, and footloose.Yeah.The rest, the rest of you could stand tight enough, too. Please, let's get started with the questions.
As you know, Mr. Taylor, this is a quiz program.We have questions which we throw at the experts.
Well, whatever you throw at them, remember, please, that I'm sitting between them.
Try and remember that.Here's a question.Our studio piano player will play the chords of a very popular song of other years. You ought to tell me the name of the Indian maiden the song is about.Hiawatha.You haven't heard the song yet.
Shows you how quick I am.Boy, I get the answers before I hear the question.Very fast.Can we hear the song, please?What do you think of it, Mr. Taylor?
You mean the question or the music?
Oh, I mean, would you know the name of the Indian girl in the song?
Well, of course, from where I sit, the answer is obvious.
I've never heard of an Indian girl named Obvious.What tribe did she belong to?Never mind.You know, Mr. Howard, I used to play that on the piano when I was a little girl.They didn't have pianos when you were a little girl, Mr. Howard.
That was beautiful, and I really did like the way you played it.How would you say he played it, Mr. Taylor?
Well, the melodic line was brought into relief by the use of a tremolo in the right hand and a fermata, a hold.And both of these devices were used in rather good taste further to enhance the beauty of the main theme.
The harmonic structure was indicated by the use of the arpeggio in the bass or left hand. commonly known as the Alberti bass.On the whole, Mickey, for a sound, musicianly interpretation of the opus.
Miss McConnell, thank you, Mr. Taylor.Miss McConnell, you said you played that song on the piano.
You can play that on the... You play the piano, Miss McConnell?
Sure, I play the piano with my feet.
With your feet?What do you do with your hands?
I hold my nose.I hate music.
You know, you know, I could never get any music out of our piano, so I chopped it up for firewood.You can't get music out of a piano by chopping it up for firewood.No, I got a few chords out of it.You got a... Oh, please!
I made a couple of boats.Never mind, I'll be going to answer the question.Look, I'll give you a hint.The name of the number that was played was pretty red-winged.Now then, what was the name of the Indian girl that the song was about?Hiawatha.
Thank you, that was Dr. Novick, and it makes you want to leave early Auguster, which is living proof that people are still free to do as they please in this country.Well, let's get along here.
We have invited two members of the studio audience up here on the stage.They can ask the experts a question.If they get an intelligent answer, we give them 20 pounds of butter. If they don't, we give them the paper out of Sheldon's shoe.
Who is our first contestant, Mr. Roberts?
Well, Mr. Howard, our first guest tonight is Corporal Stanley Goodman of the United States Field Artillery.
How do you do, Corporal Goodman, and welcome to our program.It's a pleasure to have you here.Where is your hometown, would you care to tell us?
Providence, Rhode Island.Well, put a bridle down on me and call me Snowflake.
I used to work in that town.You know, very comically enough, Corporal Goodman, I was in the last war, you know.I was a spy.You were a spy?
Didn't they shoot you?I don't know, I was blindfolded.You were blindfolded.Just ignore them, Corporal Goodman.I noticed by your ribbons there, you've seen plenty of action.Where have you been?In the Pacific?
I've been in the Southwest Pacific, Guadalcanal.
You've been in Guadalcanal?That's right.
So you were in Guadalcanal?I saw that picture, Guadalcanal.Yes.But I never saw him in it.
You can help us out here, if you will, Corporal.Would you reach into the dunce cap there and pick out a question for us, please?And would you be good enough to read the question as soon as you get it?
Just read it right into the microphone, if you will, please.
How many notes are there in the musical scale?
Now, that's very good.How many notes are there in the musical scale?We should get a lot of help on this from Mr. Taylor.Mr. Taylor, could you tell us the notes in the musical scale?
Well, the first note is Do.The second is Re.
That's my wife's name, you know, Ray.
Well, that should be easy to remember.
Oh, yes, Ray.She's always asking me for dough.
I say the third note is you?
The third note is not you.
I know it's not.It's you.
The third note is me?Isn't that what Mr. Shelton said?
The third note is me.That's right.Then what?Then what'd you say it was you for?
I didn't say you did.You said it was you.
Mr. Taylor, I just thought you said it was me.
Well, that's right.Don't you see?It's the both of you.It's not both of them.All right, who is it?Listen, you three-mallet heads, can't you understand what Mr. Taylor is saying?Not without an interpreter.Now, wait a minute.
The name of the third note is me.How did you get into this?
Oh, I get it.It's Mr. Howard.
No, it's not Mr. Howard.It's me.
Well, someone hit me in the face with a wet dish rag.Nah, that wouldn't have proven any, Mr. Shelton.Why don't you cut out the argument?If Mr. Taylor says to notice him, he ought to know.All right.
I don't care who it is so long as it ain't me.But that's right, Mr. Shelton. What, it's me?Yes.Oh my goodness.Mr. Taylor, how can you be so deceitful?You said it was me.I know I did.
As you understand, the name of the third note is me.Everybody wants to get into the act!
Gentlemen, gentlemen, the names of the notes are Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Si, Do.Do on top and Do on the bottom.
Oh, just like a pie.Yeah.All right, just like a pie.What comes in between?Prunes.Prunes.Now cut it out.He said, Do, Do, get that into your nut.Do.Oh, I've got a donut.Donut. Barbara for being with us.
Now can we have a number from Nat Novick and his jiving jerks.Listen, listen and get sick with Nat Novick. This is gonna be good.It's beautiful, you know.Yeah.Lovely.I'd say.I have my brushes here, I paint.
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Yes.What is it?What is it?They think it's... Boy, it sends me!Yeah, it does.I wish it would leave you there.They think it's beautiful, Mr. Taylor.The band is playing William Tell, ladies and gentlemen.
They're off!I'm playing Richmond in the fight race.
Uh, when the Pied Piper chased her ass out of Hamlin, he really had Nat Novick's orchestra with him, if you want the facts.But Mr. Taylor, all kidding aside, you being an authority on music, what do you think of Mr. Novick's orchestra?
Do I, uh, have to answer that?
Well, uh... Why, why, Mr. Taylor, Mr. Novick's orchestra is an institution.
That's where it belongs.That's where it belongs.
I agree with you fairly there, Mr. Taylor.Well, let's get on.How about our next contestant, Mr. Roberts?
Well, here she is at as bright as a dollar, Mr. Howard.Gilman's second class, Shirley Coleman of the United States Wave.
How do you do, Miss Coleman?This is indeed a pleasure.We're very glad to have you with us. I might say you look charming, you really do.Oh, really?Yes, indeed, she does look very charming, Mr. Howard.Yeah, okay.
You know, it's girls like her that make me like girls like her.That will do, Miss McNaughton.Where is your hometown, Miss Coleman, would you care to tell us?We'd just love to know.Cambridge, Massachusetts.Cambridge, Massachusetts.Beautiful.
That's very nice.You know, Mr. Howard, Miss Coleman must have been a very beautiful baby.I imagine she was.
Hey, let me start speaking about babies.Oh, there's the cutest baby over at our boarding house the other day.And the other day her mother let me hold her on my lap.Then I put her on the scales and weighed her.How much did she weigh?
We didn't get home till two o'clock in the morning.How long have you been in the service, Miss Coleman? 20 months, sir.20 months.Well, congratulations.I suppose you find your work very interesting.
Are you married?Yes, sir.You're married.Well, I was going to ask you another question, but let's forget it.
You know, Mr. Howard, I wish I could join the Wax and the Waves or something.
You wish you could?Yeah, I did join the Rotary Club. You joined the Rotary Club?Uh-huh.Miss McCall, the Rotary Club are all for men.They're for men.That's why I joined!That's why you joined.But as I said before, we're very glad to have you with us.
What did you do before you went into service?I went to school, sir.Oh, you went to school.In Cambridge?No, sir.In Boston.Oh, in Boston.That's near Cambridge.Oh, yes.Okay, Boston.Well, I've been to Boston, too.
That is also... You were canned in Boston. Please, don't get personal.You ought to know you were with me.That's right, I got you out of the can.That's right.I'd like to have you meet Mr. Taylor, Miss Coleman.This is Mr. Deems Taylor, Miss Coleman.
How do you do, Miss Coleman?It's really a very great pleasure to meet you.
Geezy, geezy, geezy.Remember, you promised to wait for me after the program.
I never promised to wait for you after the program.
Don't you think it'd be a good idea?Will you cut it out, please?Uh-oh.Now pay no attention to Miss Coleman.We're going to feed her any minute now.Will you do us a favor while you're here?
Would you kindly reach into the dunce cap there and pick out a question for us?And when you get a hold of the question, would you kindly read it into the microphone?
Yes, what kind of wood was in the old oaken bucket?
That's very good.The question is, what kind of wood was in the old oaken bucket?What kind of wood, in other words, was the bucket made out of?Is that the old oaken bucket that hung in the well?That's right, that's the question.
Oh, it's a deep one, isn't it?It's a deep one. Howard, the old Oaken Bucket was a quartet song.Say, look, here's an idea.Let you and I sing a quartet.You and I?Yeah.Well, wait a minute.Two people can't sing a quartet.
Well, I'd be perfectly willing to help, old boy.
And don't forget, I have a voice.Yeah.
For honk-calling, see?Oh, yeah?Well, with my voice, I could go to the Metropolitan.Yeah, with your voice, you need insurance. All right, let's agree with Mr. Sheldon for once in our lives.
If it will help to get the answer to the question, we'll sing the old Oaken Bucket.Mr. Taylor, you can help us out here if you will.We might as well do this thing right.Mr. Taylor, will you announce the quartet?
Certainly, Mr. Howard.Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to bring to you at this time the Metropolitan Quartet, four brilliant voices who have just finished a most successful engagement of six months in the observation ward.
The Metropolitan Quartet of Howard, Shelton, McNaughton, and McConnell.
Thank you.A chord, please.Now all together.The old oak and the bucket.The iron and the bucket.Bucket.Bucket.Wait a minute.Wait a minute.There's something wrong here.What's the matter?Somebody's using an extra bucket. Was that you, Miss McConnell?
Not me, I'm using the same bucket as you are!Let me tell you something.Let's get this straight.There's only one bucket and a saw.You understand that?Yeah, one bucket.And we all use the same bucket.Now get that right.We're gonna be crowded, you know.
Never mind.Now let's start over again.Go on, please.
The open bucket The Iron Bucket.Oh!
Oh!Oh!Oh!Oh!What was that?I shot McNaughton.He was sour.
Ladies and gentlemen, a special announcement.Due to an unavoidable accident, the Metropolitan Quartet will be unable to appear.Instead, we bring you the Cosmopolitan Trio.
He was not only sour, he was fermented.
Ladies and gentlemen, special announcement.Due to a severe case of lead poisoning of one of the members, the Cosmopolitan Trio will be unable to appear. Instead, we shall hear from the Canal Street duo of, uh, Nowritz Hollard and Kirsten McConnell.
The old ol' tin bucket, the iron pound bucket, the old rubber bucket.Bucket, bucket.
Oh!Oh!Oh!Well, she was a good old bucket, but she went to the well.
Ladies and gentlemen, special announcement.Due to the fact that Miss Kirsten McConnell broke her bucket, we shall now hear from that international favorite, the original voice of the turtle, Mr. Tom Holland.
The old doken but the bucket, the ironbound bucket.
They got me.They got me. They got me right in the middle of the bucket.
Now before we put the dummies back in the box, I really do want to thank Mr. Deems Taylor for being with us tonight.He's done a marvelous job and it was very, very nice of him to come up here and pay us a visit.
And I'd like to say to your listeners, try and be with us again next week when our special guest will be Mr. Rowland Young.
Who'd you say, Mr. Howard?Who'd you say?
I said Rowland Young, the movie actor.
Oh, Rowland is not old.He's young.He's young.
Okay, okay.Now just a minute.
I saw him in that picture, Claudia.Oh, no, no, Mr. Shelton.No, that was his son, Robert Young.Oh, please.
Well, he isn't bad either.
Mr. Howard, don't you know how old Roland Young is?
Look, I don't know!Well, it really don't matter.It don't make any difference anyway.
No, no.As long as he wears pants.
I thought he wears pants.
He does wear pants, Sonny.
The last time I saw him on Broadway, he had them on.I see.Sort of pleated.All right.Well, let us hope he'll have pants on next Friday night.
This is the Armed Forces Radio Service.
It pains to be ignorant, to be dumb, to be dumb, to be ignorant.It pains to be ignorant just like me.Each week I earn six dollars.My brain is terribly lax. But when there ain't no income, why then there ain't no income tax.
So you see it pays to be ignorant, have no brain, be an angel.
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