Today's episode contains themes of sexual abuse, animal abuse, murder, cannibalism, incest, and Satanism.Listener discretion is advised.Kibbe doesn't observe Halloween and asks for extra prayers for our animals and children today.
I'm a satanic ritual abuse survivor.There's a lot of controversy around that.I strongly believe my mother had three children in order to create a cult and to do these sick crimes that fulfilled her sick desires.
How much do you remember about the very first ritual that you witnessed?
There was a victim named Sam.I remember my mother taking a pliers.Did your mom force you to eat Sam?
She was forced to eat human flesh and survive the unthinkable, being born into a satanic cult.
Kibilinga told herself as a child that she would one day get away, be an artist, and expose her mother for forcing her to participate in twisted and unspeakable acts.
And after years of being silenced, that is exactly what she is doing today on this very special Halloween episode.This may be the most intense survivor interview we've done yet.It's also perfectly fine
if you need to take breaks while listening and step away and come back to it.
Watch this interview on the Real Alex Clark YouTube channel and help support our mission to heal a sick culture physically, relationally, and spiritually by making a tax-deductible donation through the link in the description.
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Find links for today's guest on social media, discount codes for our sponsors, and links for resources if you have also been a victim of child abuse in the show notes.
Without further ado, I'm Alex Clark, and please welcome Kibi Linga for a very memorable Halloween special of Culture Apothecary.Tell everybody in a few words what you are a survivor of.
I'm a satanic ritual abuse survivor.There's a lot of controversy around that, including the names.So also known as ritual abuse, ramco, occult survivor.How would you describe yourself as a child?I'm proud of my child self because
And I don't know where this came from, God, our creator, whoever, but I strongly feel I was gifted with the gift of discernment.
And growing up in an extremely evil family, doing evil behaviors, one would assume the whole world is like that, but I didn't.And from the very beginning, before I knew what was going on and
I looked at it as my mom was following the darkness versus the light.And I stood tall in my beliefs.And I grew up in an environment where my mother and father and other adults were committing crimes. And I thought it was wrong.
And I have two sisters.I'm the middle.We're all close in age.And I stood up for my beliefs and I was like, this is wrong.My mom, I think she regretted having me.
She would often tell me I was brainwashing my sisters for saying that what she was doing was wrong.So I did get treated differently because of that, as my sisters were more obedient towards my mom and her
beliefs, religious beliefs, and her manipulation, her brainwashing.So I would describe myself as a very strong child.Honestly, I feel like I was stronger as a child than I am now.Now that may change as I'm continuing to grow.Why do you say that?
Just coming over here.I myself, I'm so nervous to be here, right?Like I'm scared. You're doing so great.
You're doing so great.Thank you.
My inner child, as some like to call it, whatever you want to call it, is so proud.And I guess that's how I can articulate or show that I was a strong child and hopefully I can be that strong again someday.And I think I'm on my way.
What is the earliest memory you have as a child? Most of my memories, like age zero to four, are kind of not as clear.For example, I remember my father sacrificing a child.I don't remember what happened before.I don't remember what happened after.
I just know that he used a bat during the sacrifice. And there are four rituals or sacrifices I remember most.So it's difficult for me to say what my first memory of the abuse was because it literally started when I was zero.
I strongly believe that my mother had three children in order to create a cult and to do these sick crimes that fulfilled her sick desires.I will pinpoint when I was about three or four years old.
I was put into this cage in the basement, the same cage my father would use to get his children.I was not OK.I was put there because I was brainwashing my sisters, because I was always like, this is wrong.This is wrong to my sisters.
And I don't think my mom wanted me around my sisters, particularly my younger one, because she was siding with me, especially in the beginning.So when I'm in this cage, I am not okay.I was not okay.I was claustrophobic.I couldn't.
contained my bottles.I didn't know what to do.And so I asked for help from our creator or actually at that point I called him God because Catholicism ran on my family side.My mom's side very much so.
And the abuse at home was rationalized with figures from the church particularly Jesus.She would also often pretend to be as important as Mother Teresa or Jesus's mother, Mary.I didn't trust.
I didn't trust these figures, these prophets, whatever you want to call them.The only one she didn't use against me was God, so I'm in this cage.And this is not my earliest memory, but one of my most favorite, one of the most impactful in my life.
I don't know how long I lasted until I asked for help from our creator or God.I don't even know his name.We're all arguing about, not arguing, but we just can't come to an agreement about it.
I asked for support and within very limited amount of time, I felt this outside presence.I couldn't see it.I could feel it.
and I felt better and like a-okay and it wasn't a one-time occurrence I was put into this cage and over time the cage became calming, therapeutic in a way because when I was a child I have this thing with having my feelings.
I love having my feelings.I think I learned that as a child because I realized when something bad happens and I have my feelings, it makes me stronger to keep going.
And so in this cage, I felt so protected by this outside source and it became like a safe place for me.
Who was the ringleader?Was it your mom or your dad?My mother.Was your dad a reluctant participant or fully invested in everything that she was having the family do?
My father, from what I know, he's from New Jersey.He moved out to Minnesota where he met my mom.He was also religiously abused with Jesus.And I know he wanted kids.And so he was dating this woman.
And she couldn't have kids or didn't want them one or the other.And then he met my mom and she wanted kids right away.So he goes, I'm going to be with this woman.I think you really want kids.
He is a doormat, like very vulnerable, very broken and not fixed.I don't know exactly his main motives for marrying my mom or going into the cult, but I am going to assume it was to have kids. Was your mom also abusive towards your dad?Yes.
He was so submissive.Anything she told him to do, she had to do.And I believe he got off to it, too.
What was your mom's upbringing like?What do you know about your mom's upbringing?
All I know is what she's told me and I don't know what's true or what's not true.When I ask her about my grandmother's upbringing, she says something to me like, that's not your childhood to worry about.
And with all the recovery I've done, I know that's a sign of gaslighting.And so then I say, but it is.That's my family.That's my grandmother.And then she'll come up with this story. And I don't know how much of it is true or not true.
From the sounds of it, my mother did experience satanic ritual abuse.I can't make that a fact.There's clues.She's told me stuff like, the stuff I'm doing to you happened to me.Also, a huge clue is my grandmother was part of the grooming process.
Of you? and my sisters.Although I have not seen her participate in a child sacrificing ritual or even animals because one ritual was with cats.
She would buy us porcelain dolls and then when we would go to grandma's house we would feed the porcelain dolls.Potion.So there was like no actual potion in the bottle but that was our family's code name for psychedelics.
And that gives me reason to believe that I was drugged with psychedelics as a baby.
Now, obviously, I can't prove that I was a baby, but the grooming that my grandmother had my sisters and I go through, where we're like feeding these dolls psychedelics for playtime.
tells me that she was grooming me to make me feel like it was normal and to do it to the next generation.
Is it true that your mom was the leader of the satanic cult that you grew up in?
I don't know who or where she came from.I don't know if she's working under a bigger organization or group, but from what I experienced, yes.
One way my story differs from a lot, but not all, is that I wasn't affiliated with any high-profile people or elites that I know of.I come from a middle-class family.I've been speaking out about my story since April, and so many people relate.
Just sad.There's more people than we would think that have also been involved in satanic cults as children?
Yeah.Sometimes I want to, like, take screenshots and show people how many messages I'm getting.
Parents reach out to me and they're like, my kids are going through this, but authorities won't listen. And that's what happened to me too.Who alerted the authorities in your story?I did not alert the authorities until age 30, until I came maybe 31.
I do remember like an investigation from my childhood.Like I think there may have been suspicions.
So how do, if your mom was the leader of the satanic cult, how did she get into that position?Like she started it or somebody appointed her?
I believe it's transgenerational, if it was done to her, right?And one of my mom's things was, She would always tell us, I'm going to stop the rituals by around the time you're age 10 so that you have time to forget.
Because if you don't forget, you could go out there and tell people and then I'll get in trouble, right?So this is only assumption based, but I do believe it happened in my family before I was born.My mom has four siblings.
I do believe that everybody on my mom's side is aware of this and in denial. They're in denial.What do you mean by that?Denial is a coping mechanism in my understanding.I personally was in denial for 15 to 17 years.And they don't want to face it.
And also, I don't know if they're granted true choice, because when I was in denial, I wasn't granted true choice.I was completely brainwashed.
What was the day-to-day routine like for your mom as the leader of a satanic cult?
A lot of it was looking normal on the outside but feeling crummy on the inside.For example, going to church, getting baptized, playing sports.Was it a normal church?Yes, it was a Catholic church.
So you were attending Catholic church as a child. And then low key, unbeknownst to anybody, you guys were also, your family was running a satanic cult?
We use Catholicism as a front.And my understanding is that's very common with people who perform satanic ritual or ritual abuse is they use something as a front, whether it be psychiatry, whether it be advocating. for child trafficking.
Do you have any fond memories of your mom being loving and kind towards you?
During my years of denial.
She brainwashed me and manipulated me so much into loving her.I mean, we all want a mom, right?We all want parents.My father passed away when I was nine, so that was gone.
And during my years of denial, particularly teenage years and 20s, she was kind, supportive, would send me Christmas presents with everything I wanted, things I liked, for example, tie dye socks, like just
Stuff that I like that made me feel so warmed and loved.And reflecting back, that was a manipulation tactic in my opinion.
Did she have a normal job outside of the home?
Yes.She worked at a large bank, not as a teller.
Would people be surprised the types of professions and people that were involved in a satanic cult like this?
Evil people are good at manipulating.And when an evil person can manipulate someone, they can show someone that they look great on the outside.And that is one red flag I look for today when meeting people and being around people.
If they look great on the outside, if they have no flaws, a red flag goes up.And I step back a little bit because I want to know the whole deal.
So a lot of just white collar professions, families, like what types of people?Were there any politicians?
No.And survivors that I know in real life and also digitally?Yes, unfortunately.
How much do you remember about the very first ritual that you witnessed?
I remember my mother taking a pliers or what looked like a pliers.It was an instrument. went like that and she was torturing a baby slowly.Where did the baby come from?
I don't know for sure, but I can only make my assumptions based off my experiences.There was a victim named Sam.He was eight years old from Chicago, or at least that's what my parents told me. most traumatic night of my life.
Like my mom and dad were like, he's your new brother.We had dinner with him.They called it the last supper.And afterwards, I sacrificed him.So I got that name checked out by the authorities.There was no match.
And I'm like, OK, either my mom was lying about his name and location or he came from somewhere else or both.This was in 2019.I started recovering from the cult stuff in 2018.Since then, I've learned
how big our child trafficking issue is and how most likely Sam and the other victims came from broken places.My father was in charge of that.Like I said, he obeyed my mom.My mom said, go get a child.He did that.
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I think there was connections.The black web, dark web, you know, places I don't visit.I do remember my mother and father recording the rituals, so there's a chance that perhaps they
exchanged the video for money or for a child, but my father would be gone for quite some time to get the kids.Usually, I don't remember it ever being less than a day.
Have you ever described to authorities, like, to make a facial sketch or anything of any of these children and the name you were given and the city allegedly that they came from, the time period, have you ever done any of that?
Unfortunately, authorities don't care unless I hand them hard evidence.And my mother didn't give me hard evidence to grow up with and give to the authorities.
Where were the rituals taking place?I mean, was this like in the woods somewhere?Was it a building?Was it your home?How many people would gather for these?How often would they happen?
I remember four rituals well enough that I can speak about with confidence.Not just the ritual, but the beginning, the middle, the end, who was involved.My family lured in at least two other families from the church for these sacrificing rituals.
Where would you host them?We lived in a duplex.My most traumatic event was actually at a duplex. There were two of them at friends' houses from the church.There was one in a rural area in a barn.
Was it like the movies portray eyes wide shut, cloaks, all of that kind of stuff?
I haven't seen any of those movies, but so many people comment on my content like, this is like eyes wide shut, so. Were people covering their faces or everybody was just out in the open?I differ from Eyes Wide Shut because it was not that big.
The cult I grew up in was not that big, at least what I experienced.Maybe there's more that I don't see.But yes, the masks and the costumes, and it didn't happen all the time, but it did.
And I believe it was to make us kids look crazy if we say anything.What did the costumes look like?So I remember my mom wearing the devil horns sometimes, so I could still completely see her face.
There was another ritual where my mom lured in a family from the Catholic Church and The father, he was actually like mid-twenties maybe at the time, he wore his daughter's Minnie Mouse costume.
And maybe to confuse us, in case we said anything, because if I go to a family friend or an authority and say, I saw Minnie Mouse kill a child, they're not going to take me seriously.And another thing my mom did a lot.
and trigger warning is during these rituals, she would take a broomstick and like... One of the main motives behind all this, from what I've observed in my opinion, is that it was for sexual pleasure and gratification.
And so during the ritual, she would take a broomstick and go like this in between her legs while the torture was happening.And after she would get off, apparently, and it was obvious, then she would continue to assay the children.
And I believe she did that as a way to groom us to think that it was normal and to do it to the next generation and also physiologically.If she's training children to get off to control and evil, what is that going to do to a child Growing up.
I thought my family was the only evil one come to find out this is actually way more common than I thought the broomstick thing, there's also other speculations that I don't know are true or not about like putting hallucinogens on it.
I don't know if my mom did that.One thing is, is that if I were as a child or an adult to go to an authority or for someone for help and say, I saw my mom being a witch, killing children, they're going to think I'm crazy.
So it's like one of those other things that they do were, in my opinion, they do it to make the child look crazy if they say anything.
So when they would perform these rituals and human sacrifices, were they like, okay, Kibbe, watch this, this is what's happening tonight, or they would just do it knowing that you were around, or were you specifically told to watch it?
I was specifically told to watch it, and I believe that was to train me, to get me to physiologically find pleasure from this.
You're watching satanic rituals and babies being murdered at night and then like are you guys doing birthday parties and like normal family stuff like that in the day?Yes.
So we celebrated Christmas, we celebrated all the holidays with my mom's side of the family.
Was your mom ever openly saying things like hail Satan or anything like that?Or it was just like, we're doing these sacrifices, but we're saying we're Catholic.
So she never said hail Satan that I remember.Sometimes it like seemed like she praised Jesus and she actually believed in him.I don't know if it was a manipulation tactic to use against me.She didn't say Satan.
She said that she worshipped the devil and when she gave her soul to the devil, she could get whatever she wanted.
And that actually enabled me to develop disassociative identity disorder, which I worked on very hard and has been taken off of my charts in 2023, the beginning.
I didn't know that that was something that you could overcome.I thought you just learned to live with it.
No, and I strongly disagree with that.
So you had different personalities and different alters, and then you were able to completely be done with that?
And it happened because around age 9 or 10, I go, Mom, how am I going to live a normal life, right?Like, how am I going to... I want a happy life.Like, look what we just experienced.Because the rituals did stop at 8.
And she goes, well, you can do what I did, what I do.And that is that I give my soul to the devil and he gives me a new one.And when I get a new one, my pain goes away and I get to restart on another life.
What she didn't tell me was that doing that would disassociate me from my true self and I would be jeopardizing and sacrificing my true self.
At your worst, how many alters did you have?
Three, thank God.Can you describe them?Kibbe, my child self.And I use a pseudonym.I use Kibbe in honor of the fact that when I was a child, I wanted to be a painter named Kibbe Linga and tell on my mom.That was my inner child's articulation.
I want to tell on my mom.And so what ended up happening with her telling me to do that, to deal with my pain in life, is that when I was 13, my pain became too much. So I switched my heart or soul, Kibbe, with the devil for a new one.
And because I love colors, I went from a green heart to a purple heart at age 13.So at age 13, I'm literally thinking, I'm on my second life within the same life.And that's okay, because it's helping me cope.
And so as a child, your way of processing, okay, now I'm a new person I'm starting over, is you would imagine your heart turning a different color, like, okay, now I'm new, I have this new heart, I'm a purple person versus a green person.
New color, new name, new.And so who was the second person?Paige.Okay, and what was Paige like?
Very carefree, very fun, kind of like avoiding everything that had happened and living my best life.But that best life didn't look that healthy.Would you have different handwriting and cadence to your voice and things like that?
Until I was 30, until I embraced the trauma, I didn't have switches other than the designated time, like at age 13.
Where your heart was changing.
And then the next one was at age 24.Okay.And who was at 24?Then I went from a purple heart to an orange heart.I went from Paige to Tuna.I had to think of the name last minute.I was in so much pain.I'm like, Tuna it is.And that was from 24 to 30.
And then I started embracing extensively this cult stuff.And I, that's when I started switching.And that was in 2009, 2020.And thank God for the pandemic because I literally, I didn't have to work for about two years.
So it was like my main focus to embrace these personas, nurture them, get to love them, help them, be there for them.I was in a state of confusion.I literally thought I was three different people within the same
body.So you had to go back and you had to heal each one of those three people, I'm assuming.
Yeah, it was kind of like I was going back to each of those eras and reliving those lives in a better way.
And now you're Kibbe again.I mean, yourself, you're back to yourself and you're wearing a green shirt today, I have to point out for those that aren't watching on YouTube.So was that by design?Yes.Yes.
The other kids in the satanic cult, just their families were involved.What were they like?What were their parents saying to them?Were you allowed to communicate with each other and be friends?
Yes.However, It was very shameful for me.So I presume it was very shameful for us.So us kids didn't talk about it much.
Do you know what happened to any of them?Like, have you ever found them and talked to them about what happened to you guys?
I've reached out to all of them.They're all in denial, like heavily in denial.There was one sacrifice where two cats were sacrificed and
I did receive some validation from that, but not from the person who sacrificed the cat themself, which happened to be a child.That was a sacrifice where a child made the sacrifice.
And her older sister is the one who kind of like validated some questions I had around it.
Were there ever explanations of like, here is why we're doing this.Here's why we're killing this baby.Here's why we're eating this person.Was there any explanation given?
Her rationalization was that she was the chosen one.She could not control it.Right.It was just a fact.She was chosen to sacrifice to do these sacrifices to wash away our family sins and everybody else's around us.
So she told us that she was doing good.However, I disagreed because sacrificing anything with feelings and a heart is wrong because it would be wrong for someone to come up to me and sacrifice me.
What source of education were you given?Were you attending public school in the midst of all this or were you homeschooled?
During the rituals, age zero to eight, I think we were pulled out of the Catholic school age nine, when I was nine or 10.So I had the Catholic school in the beginning and during the rituals.
And then when the rituals stopped and my mom decided I'm not going to do this anymore, I'm assuming for her to not, it's going to help her not get away with it by stopping it at a young enough age.Right.And at that point she
quit religion cold turkey and took us from the private school and put us into public and put us into all these extracurricular activities.
Dealing with the abuse that you and your siblings endured, did you guys struggle at all in school?Were there behavioral issues?Did you have trouble making friends?
As far as my sisters, like, I don't know for sure, but they appear to have done a lot better than me in school.They were also more under my mother's control.I struggled a lot, but I'm smart.
For example, my mother would put me into a special ed class.And, you know, at this point, I'm already in denial.And if I have my mother putting me in a special ed class, like, I kind of feel like there's something wrong with me.
That seems like a direct deliberate move to, again, prevent you from being able to speak out about what was happening.People would doubt it because you're in the special ed class or, you know, well, she's got some of these issues.
So, like, she might say some crazy things sometimes.You know what I mean?That kind of seems like maybe that was on purpose.
I have so many stories like that.Like, I struggled with drug addiction due to my trauma, the scapegoating, the pointing the fingers at me from age 21 to 24, 16, 17 to 24, on and off.I'm 36 now.And that's another example of, you know, like,
there's something wrong with Kibbe.Like she has this thing.But in all reality, my true self wouldn't use drugs.And I did it for a reason.
And there were there's a lot of examples like that, like kind of like dumbing me down, pushing me in a corner where it looks like I'm not presentable to society or humanity.Talk about what you would hear during some of these rituals.
What would your mom say to you?She would tie me up on a chair and I would Be like, no, don't, don't, don't.And she would say, you have to do this.You have to do this.So it's like a lot of like verbal abuse and direction.
But I will speak on behalf of my most traumatic memory or experience.And that was with Sam.And she did speak to me during that ritual.
And my mother, a big reason for her doing these sacrifices in my observations and experiences is for her to get off to it in between rituals. She would essay us and she would talk about the rituals and that's how she would like get off.
She got to a point where she would get off by making others do the deed as well.In cults, from my understanding, when people make something, do something so guilty, where they feel so guilty and shameful, They don't want to leave.
So it was my turn when I was five, almost six, to solely sacrifice a child, and it was Sam, the eight-year-old.We just had dinner with him.I love Sam.I'll never stop loving Sam, and I'll never betray Sam.
I think that he's a big reason why I'm here today recovering because it was such a traumatic memory that I've held on.
But during that ritual, we had dinner with Sam and I thought he was my new brother and I was so excited because I'm like, this brother, this eight-year-old is going to save my broken family.And after the ritual, Things changed pretty quick.
Roles in my family changed throughout the years.For example, my older sister started to graduate towards the cleanup role, which was my father's role.So during the exact ritual itself, my older sister wasn't there.
I remember me on my right, on the right, my younger sister on the left.My mom was behind me and she gave me a knife from my right hand and She told me to do it to Sam. I wouldn't.I couldn't.
And I thought either something really bad would happen to me or Sam would get let go.So there was a lot of communication in this ritual.My mom was saying, you have to do it.You have to do it.And like I said, she always had this sense of urgency.
She was just getting so mad at me.And I thought she was going to take my hand and make me do it myself.And that's not what happened. She gave it to somebody else who looked very disassociated and did it themselves.Did your mom force you to eat Sam?
Yes. That was my consequence for not sacrificing Sam.And it wasn't the first time I was fed human flesh.Thankfully, my mother cooked it.I've heard of other stories where they don't.
But because it was Sam, someone who I grew an attachment to, I feel like that was me drinking the Kool-Aid or taking sips.Like, that's kind of what enabled me, or a big factor, to go into denial because I felt so guilty.
And I will say, I didn't eat any of them. Foley, like I had this thing where I would chew it up and then when my mom wasn't looking, I would put it under a blanket or in a milk glass.She never said anything to me about it, thank God.
But I feel like I did that to help alleviate some of the guilts.And I think it might have worked too.Going through all of this, what was your biggest wish?I knew there was so much beauty outside of my family.
I didn't know how big satanic ritual abuse was.My first wish was to become an artist and tell on my mother.And as I developed into a teenager, that came more like telling my story about my mother as well.
How old were you when you were finally able to escape?I was 23 years old when I moved from Wisconsin, thousands of miles away.
So I kind of look at that as like I physically escaped then because I don't think I would have been able to recover at age 30 had I been close to my mom, because that's typically the way cults work a lot.
I think having seven years away from my family and I had also gotten sober, but that wasn't good enough for me.I was still in denial.So I kind of look at it as like I physically got away at 24, but mentally, spiritually, emotionally,
not until age 30.And I'm still on that journey.
You said the last ritual that you witnessed was around 8.Between 8 and 23, when you escaped, did you guys ever talk about it?Like, was it just this elephant in the room of what had gone on all those years prior?
I think the first year or two, maybe, it was like a small baby elephant because, like I was saying, like we were in so much shame and guilt, like we didn't want to talk about this.We were just kids.
I do remember a time when I was about 10 years old and my older sister, we were outside playing with chalk and my older sister goes, remember when our family used to kill people? And I'm sitting there thinking like, yeah, with shame.
I didn't say anything in this particular incident, but my younger sister looks up and goes, yeah.Afterwards, it was a lot of brainwashing and manipulating us into that it never happened.And it worked pretty well on my sisters.
And it worked well on me too.But for me, I chose self-destruction.
Was your mom's personality kind of aloof and there was something different about her?Or to all appearances, was she like this really charming, warm woman.
You would never guess on the outside that she would do these things.And I feel like one of her manipulation tactics as she's gotten older especially is to exhibit a persona which makes people confuse love for pity, if that makes sense.
It enables or helps people to trust her more. just her demeanor, the way she talks around.She's very friendly to people.During my teenage years after the rituals, she put us in all these extracurricular activities.
At volleyball, she was called Mama Rotsi because she took all the pictures.She was like Girl Scout leader, like just there for us.
That's interesting.She was a Girl Scout leader.How likely is it that she used that position to procure some of these children?
I don't think that she used that position to get the children.I think she, for anything that she made herself appear good, for example, taking the pictures at volleyball or having those kids travel around for volleyball,
or showing that she's a good mom by putting us in these extracurricular activities.I don't think she did that to get children.I think she did that to make her persona look strong, reputable, kind, and like a good mother.
Has your healing process been pretty up and down, like you're doing well, and then maybe you backslide a little bit, or has it been linear for you, where it's just gotten better over time?
As long as I prioritize my recovery, my faith, God, it is linear, but it doesn't feel like it.Now, are there times that I am not as close with God?Yes, absolutely.
I don't think recovery is linear, but in a sense, I kind of feel like it does, because when someone keeps trudging and going forward, They do get better, but by all means, it does not feel linear.
Like I will go through a week of feeling safe and free, and then I'll go through a week of not and hardships.Another thing that happens during my healing era are my friends rotate a lot. So that's something that brings a lot of grief.
And then I do the footwork to find more supportive friends.So there's a lot of ups and downs emotionally.But I do feel like if I prioritize my recovery and my faith, I am growing.
In the spirit of Halloween, one of the spookiest things is walking past a store and it just smells like a fragrance bomb went off.
I remember working at Hollister in high school, and once an hour, we were required to spray their perfume on the clothes.Once an hour, in that. Tomb!
Not only were the employees all breathing that in, but the clothes us teens were buying were saturated in chemicals that we now know completely destroy your hormones and affect fertility.
It is amazing that millennials are having so many issues getting pregnant, isn't it? No more artificial fragrance in my life, period.I use Alevea for my body wash and my hand soap.
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Did you know that almost all that meat at the grocery store that says made in the USA was actually just shipped over from another country?Yeah.
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That is my favorite advice to share and remind people of every debate season.Some of us are cut out for confrontational discussions about our values.Some of us aren't.Honestly, I prefer not to.
I know everybody's surprised by that because of what I do for a living, but I actually hate Getting into debates, that's just not my forte.It's not my strength.I would rather support brands that share my values instead.
Like organic cotton tampons from conservative-owned Garnu.This is such an easy way to make a difference politically instead of giving money to a tampon brand monthly who is directly opposed to your political beliefs.
You also do not want to be using tampons and pads saturated with heavy metals, glyphosate, fragrance, chlorine, or worse.Garnu pads and tampons are really cute branded period products that you should feel good about.
And 100% organic cotton is a non-negotiable.There is absolutely. No good reason to not use 100% organic cotton in your period products.You cannot, like you literally can't, okay?So this is something that I am telling you, you've got to switch.
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What would you say to somebody listening to this interview who is in that state of denial about their own abuse?
I would say that I don't want to tell anybody to live their lives, but I think that that's an individual decision for somebody to make.If I don't know if I'm in denial, I want to explore that, right?So I think it's a personal, individual decision.
Do I want to look at my trauma? and see who or what I can become, or do I want to just live my life the best way that I can?
You've only been sharing your story for the last couple months?Since April.Kibbe, that is phenomenal.You are doing so well.Like, I am blown away by your ability to tell this story and get through this, and that's
that's really hard because it's every time you tell it I mean do you feel like it feels like you're releasing or does it feel like you're reliving it?
Since I started recovery five or six years ago I knew I wanted to do that since I was a kid right and now as I'm doing it it is different from what I expected and that sometimes I feel like I'm reliving it and at other times
Oh my gosh, I am healing so much.For example, one of my coping mechanisms because of all this was chewing up food and spitting it out, like also known as a disordered eating.I did it during my years of denial.
Where I got that behavior from, I'm assuming from being you know, the cannibalism and how I spit that out because I felt so shameful about it.I have a podcast.I talked about it on an episode before releasing it.I was so scared.I was nauseous.
I actually did throw up.But afterwards it was so healing.But then there are other times that I feel like I am reliving it and it may not be conductive to my health, my mental and emotional and spiritual health.
And that's something I'm going through right now is finding my boundaries with what to share, when and where.
Are you involved in regular therapy or survivor groups?
My main healing pillars are I am in therapy.I have declined scientific approaches, maybe because my whole experience was so spiritual.I want a spiritual approach.I'm also a very imaginative person.I'm an artist, so visualization works well for me.
What does a spiritual approach mean?Like a Christian counselor or something else?
So for me, because I was so religiously abused, obviously Jesus was used against me.I used the 12-step programs.My parents obviously didn't teach me how to live.And there are many deeper level programs in the 12-step communities.
And my main program is adult children of alcoholics and dysfunction.That is one of my main healing pillars. And then I go to therapy, but I tell her, like, I'm here to talk to you and get support.
I'm not here for you to tell me my reality or to narrate my story.I'm very picky about my therapist.Main thing I look for is if they're a good person and they've done the work themselves.So therapy is a component of my healing.Also faith.
I have such a strong faith in our Lord, God, whatever his name is, but religiously, my mother lied to me.My mother lied to me about Jesus, and I'm on a spiritual path with God right now, and I want to know the truth.
And I don't know that the world is lying to me, so this is going to take me some time.I will say, Scripture and the Bible, in addition to the 12-step programs that I work,
There is some amazing insight and wisdom in there that helps me live my life and be a better person.And I am so appreciative of that.Although I'm not at a place where I can say I'm religious.
When was the last time you talked to your mom or your sisters?The last time I talked to my older sister was in 2019.I confronted her about the abuse.She called me. Delusional, she said I was a drug addict, extremely mentally ill.
She accused me of being on LSD and she hoped that I wouldn't end up on the side of the street dead.So that conversation didn't go very well.My younger sister and I actually started working the trauma together. Really?So does she live near you?
No, she's back in Wisconsin.Both of them are very enmeshed, like my two older sisters work together, like they live within 10 miles of each other.
They're very... How are they able to maintain being close when the one won't talk to you, but the other one does, and one is willing to do trauma therapy with you, but the other one won't?
My younger one, actually the only one in my family I've ever loved is my younger sister.She, this was back in 2019.So she, you know, I'm like telling her like, hey, I'm in these 12 star programs.
Like there's this thing where like I can find out about my past.Are you in?And she's like, yes, I've noticed mom's controlling.And we kind of started it together.And once we got to the point where I told her,
My first memory was of my father sacrificing a child because I think it was too painful for me to remember my mother.And I told her that and at that point she just, she bounced.
Are they still in communication with your mom?
Yes.And to piggyback on your last question, I have still remained a relationship with my younger sister, very minimal, about as thin as dental floss.
And throughout the past five or six years as I've been doing extensive healing, she's told me she respects that I've looked at my trauma.She doesn't want to know about it.And we kind of tried having a relationship around it.
To me, it got to a point where it's like, I can't connect to my younger sister, the person I love, and it hurt me.And then ever since speaking out, I mean, our relationship was already basically at text messages for holidays and birthdays.
So when I started speaking out, I haven't heard a single word from any of them.When was the last time you spoke to your mom?Via text message, I have asked her questions.
Mostly since speaking out, like the first two months they didn't know I was speaking out and my audience would ask me questions that I didn't know because sometimes they're more informed about this type of abuse than I am, oftentimes actually.
So I'd go back and ask my mom questions and she would answer them.I don't know how much of it was true or not true.But then once I found out that they found out that I've been sharing all this, it's just crickets and I'm not going to reach back out.
Do either of your sisters have kids or are they married?My older sister has two biological kids.They are all, um, they're like 14 and maybe like nine or 10.
Do you trust your mom around those kids?No. Do you think she lets your mom be around them?I know she does.Do you think that your mom, even now as I'm sure much older, would commit any of the same acts?
My nephew plays gymnastics and during my years of denial, I would go back and visit because I thought I loved my mom.My nephew would go to practice twice a week.No other parents watched, right?My mom's the only one watching every single practice.
And it does scare me.And I'm not going to lie, what I experienced, I believe, is transgenerational.From everything I've learned, if we or if I don't heal from my trauma, I can hurt others.
Whether it may not be sacrificing children, I can heavily shame, I can emotionally incest, I can Be mean, be a bad person, right?If I don't heal myself.Do you celebrate Halloween?No, I don't know the origins around it.I'm not educated about it.
And so I'd rather just kind of stay away.Do you avoid scary movies and things like that?Or are you able to watch it?I don't watch because the suspense is too much for me.It's stressful.
Do you think that there is a lot of satanic subliminal messaging that pops up in pop culture and entertainment?Or is that just like superstitious stuff from people who have no idea about the realities of like what a satanic cult really is?
I absolutely believe that.I believe that art is a projection.For example, American Horror Stories, the latest season, I personally haven't seen it, but A show is art, right?And art is a projection, which is a confession.
So although someone may call it mockery, to me it's a confession.One thing I ask myself is if they're not doing it to hypnotize, brainwash, whatever you want to call it, to us, what are they doing it for?What do you know about Bohemian Grove?I don't.
I'm uneducated.You see, I feel like I spent my 20s surviving, my 30s healing, and I'm just getting in.
And now people are just asking you all these like random questions.
And it's like, I have a lot to learn.I do believe that from what I've seen, and heard rituals have happened there.What do you know about adrenochrome?Is that real?Yes.And I say that because of survivors I know.
And also, I will say it's an assumption because I have nothing factual to show you.And in my experience, I didn't remember my mom using that word.However, she would have us drink the blood in occasion, on occasion.
What is your response to the doubters, to people who think that you're making all of this up?How does that make you feel to know that they think this is a made up story?
Have compassion and empathy for people who have lived a very good life and just cannot fathom this, right?I feel everybody is entitled to their own opinion.And if somebody doesn't want to believe this, I'm not here for them.
I'm not here to convince them.I am here to show other people who are capable of seeing this truth.Now, when somebody gets defensive and starts attacking me, and I could tell you many stories about that, That raises many red flags to me.
That maybe they're in denial about something that happened to them.Or they're protecting the perpetrators, or they're a perpetrator themselves.
Based on your experience, how do you think we heal a sick culture?
And that's what I love about you, is that you want to better humanity.I think that we need to normalize getting help on both spectrums.It is not normalized for me to get help as a victim of satanic ritual abuse.
And it's absolutely not normalized for the perpetrators to get help.In my opinion, these perpetrators are extreme narcissists. Our society doesn't even normalize getting help for narcissism.
In fact, we point fingers and say they're scum, that they can't heal.We don't know that because we're not giving them a space.We're not giving them acceptance, love, and hope.
If we can't even do that with narcissists, how are we going to do that with perpetrators?If we can't lock them up, there's no hard evidence to do so. And I always feel like in my personal life, the first step to any problem is awareness.
And that's one reason why I'm sharing my story is I want to be a part of the change that spreads awareness.But what happens next?Right.Well, for one, we're not there yet.But I do think we need to normalize getting help.
What does happen next for Kibbe?The next 30 years.What do you hope your next 30 years look like?I hope
I continue to heal, spread awareness, honor my inner child's dreams, and not hurt myself in the process.I also want to experience things that I've missed out on due to the trauma I experienced, such as finding Mr. Right, potentially a child.
I'm 36 now.If it's too late one day, I would love to maybe even adopt someone from the foster care system, because in my opinion, it's not the healthiest system. I want like the happiest life because I feel like I deserve it.
You do deserve it.You deserve it.I'm so proud of you for sharing your story and coming out here.I know that was a really big deal.How can people learn more about you and your healing journey?Where can they look for you?
Right now I'm on social media, Instagram, TikTok, and there I show clip bits of my story and answer questions to the audience.And what's your Instagram and TikTok?Kibbelinga. I have a podcast called She Got Away.
I spent the first like nine episodes getting a lot out of me.Oh my gosh, it has helped me healed so much.And I might continue it where it's more discussion based.
OK, perfect.We'll put all the links for Kibbe in the show notes and also some links for resources that Kibbe approves for anyone who's endured or survived childhood abuse.
One thing I do like to say to people is for anyone who's not educated with satanic ritual abuse, ritual abuse, ramco, the occult, whatever you want to call it.
It's the only type of abuse that I know of that has so many different names but is listed as a conspiracy theory.I encourage people not to look at Google for information about this because it is listed as a conspiracy theory.
And it's not a conspiracy theory.You lived it. No, and I encourage people to listen to testimonies and other stuff, which I am happy to provide you with those resources.Thank you so much, Kibbe, for coming on Culture Apothecary.
Thanks for having me.It's been such an honor. That will go down in history as one of the most difficult stories that I've ever heard as an interviewer.And as I told Kibbe after I rapped, her story deserves to be heard.And I'm very proud of her.
Maybe you believe her story.Maybe you listened and you don't.But child abuse does happen.And just because it is horrific to discuss doesn't mean that it shouldn't be discussed at all.This episode is in honor of Sam.
Every Monday and Thursday at 6 p.m.Pacific, 9 p.m.Eastern, a different guest shares their remedy to heal a sick culture physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
Don't forget that we are funded by your donations, so please support us throughout this rebrand so we can continue to have incredible guests like Kibbe.
If you can't financially do that right now, a five-star review also would help a lot and give you a place to share support and thank Kibbe for bravely coming on.Have a happy Halloween.May we all be in our green heart era.I'm Alex Clark.
in this culture, apothecary.
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