Yes, I took an L. Yes, it sucked.Yes, it hurt.It was my approach that created the L more than anything else.So if I change my approach next time, things should go a little bit differently.And they did.
Okay, every time you take an L, you have to parse all that out and then figure out what's accurate.Some people think, oh, I gave you feedback and you're pissed because it's true.You wouldn't be triggered if it wasn't true.
No, I'm pissed that you're that ignorant.It's not true.You're inaccurate.You don't get me.You don't see me.You don't understand what I'm trying to do here.
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Welcome to Next Level University. Next Level Nation!Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health, and your wealth.
Today, for episode number 1882, how to learn to take losses better.I know losing sucks.I know making mistakes sucks.I know feeling like a failure sucks.But what if I told you
The thing you will most likely experience most between now and the level of success you desire is just a bunch of small Hopefully not too significant failures I've said this many times.
I say this on podcasts all the time you See my 100 successes publicly.I have made thousands of mistakes behind the scenes.You just don't ever really see them And if you do see them, they seem very, very small.
Like I might misspeak on this episode and forget what I want to say.That is an L. Loss in this episode would be an L. That is an L for me.If I forget what I want to say, that's an L. That's a mistake.I didn't want that to happen.
But it also isn't the end of the world.I think we live... I won't say it that way.It's easy to live life assuming everything that you do is the big game.We talked about that a little bit, I think, a week ago or a couple weeks ago.
When in reality, most of the stuff you're doing is practice.It's only the big game if it's the last time you do it.So yeah, okay, let's imagine this.Imagine Kevin in 212 years on his deathbed.Just old, decrepit.Wrinkles.
Just every time I walk, I'm cracking.You know? I got one last speech.I'm going out.This is it.This is the last one.I'm gonna give it everything I got.I'll be 247 years old.Last one.Here we go, baby!I walk up on that stage and I forget everything.
That kind of is the Super Bowl.That's the big game.This is it.This is it.This is all I got.There will be no practice tomorrow.Wherever I end up, maybe I'll practice.I don't know.But that's different.
And for most of us, for, I'm guessing, probably statistically, all of you listening, you will be here tomorrow. And that means today, while it matters a ton, it's the most important day ever because it's today, it's also kind of a practice.
So trying to disassociate from the outcome, I think is always gonna be important.But we were talking about this in the meetup, and somebody asked about this.
Because essentially I said, when you're doing stuff that's outside of your comfort zone, and there is the opportunity that you will fail, quote unquote.And let's just say make a mistake.
If you have a level 3 belief, and you're doing a level 3 and a half behavior, I think if it does go horribly wrong, it won't necessarily break you.
So, if you've never spoken before, you speaking into your cell phone for just you to see, if you mess up, it's not the end of the world, you can start again.
If you are terrified to speak, and you go to an event, and somebody picks you out of the crowd and says, Kevin Palmieri, 15 minute spot, give us your best shit.And I go up there and I tinkle down my own leg, that's probably gonna be it for me.
I'm gonna say, you know what?I'm gonna stay behind the scenes.I think I'm better behind the scenes.Because my level of belief in myself, if it's a two and I get a level 10 opportunity, I have a level eight pain when it doesn't go my way.
And it's really hard to recoup from a level eight pain.So that's kind of what we're talking about today, in this episode.
I, uh, we got feedback from the meetup.Someone said something along the lines of Alan kept interrupting Kev.And it was driving me nuts or something like that.From the meetup?Yeah.Yeah.
That person might be listening.
I didn't think I interrupted you that much, but... You sure it wasn't group coaching?Oh, that was group coaching.Yeah, it was group coaching.Oh, why?Was I interrupting you a lot?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.Seriously?Well, so here's the thing. The dynamic for group coaching is Alan is the coach and Kevin is the coach number two, assistant coach.But Alan leads group coaching way more than I do.
This was the first session ever that it was just podcasting.Whoa.And I was leading and you have never been on that end from group coaching where you have to jump in to say something.So that's, I think that's why it probably came off that way.
Yeah, of course, of course.And that's the thing, right?Of course, there's... There's two, three ways I could take that feedback.
And I, the person who shared it, they told Amy, Amy told me, and Amy said, well, don't worry, I can share it with him anonymously.And he said, no, no, tell him who it was.
Good dude.Yeah, for sure.I... There's a big difference between feedback that is to try to poison people against me or to try to villainize me or...
To that is completely unreasonable versus actual constructive feedback and that's a whole nother conversation But my point is to taking L's I had no idea that that came off that way.I thought I was adding value.
Hmm.Well, you were a value I Think people just I don't know.I think people like me and when you interrupt me, they're like there goes Alan again.I There goes Alan again, you know, no respect for the freaking kid.When in reality, it's like, I don't.
Yeah, no, no worries, man.I, there's some things that I missed that you added value on, but I can understand.That's the duality of it.Sorry.There he goes.
Do I interrupt you?I love the, the back and forth we have.I feel like that's where all the value is.Same.Same.Do you do the, like when I'm the pilot or whatever, and you're the co-pilot, do you jump in?You jump in.
I believe I'm more used to jumping in than you are.So you do it better.So I think I have more muscle that way.Yeah.I think it's easier for me.
I also think that that person is, and again, this will tie back promise to the listeners.Is that person under the impression that you understand podcasting more than me? Yes.Oh, okay.Is that because we've branded you that way?
I think I do.My truth is I think there's very few things that I know better than you.I do believe podcasting is one of them.Would you say it's close?Um...
I think on the macro level, you understand how it all works because you're really good at... just your awareness of everything is super high.I've just been in the trenches more than... more than you. Like to me do I did I do a lot of coaching?
Similar to the way you do it and back in the day.
Yeah, but When out when Alan and I log on a meeting he's like dude, I'm gonna be I'll be a couple minutes late I just went super deep with someone we were talking about like some deep stuff It's really easy for me to lose sight of how much that probably takes out of you because I'm not almost ever doing that anymore Yeah, you know the
The point that I made of all of that is that feedback was an L for me, quote unquote.But what is it?This is the problem with feedback.Every time you get feedback, you have to figure out what is accurate.Is there truth to that?Yes.Okay.
I didn't, but I didn't. I didn't think I interrupted you any more than usual.And Amy said, well, on the podcast, you guys have your sort of banter back and forth, and that's how it works.And that's actually the value.Carl doesn't listen to the show.
Now everyone knows it was Carl.Carl, what's up, brother?He didn't mind.He doesn't mind.So Carl doesn't listen to the show, to my awareness.Does he listen to NLU? I don't know.
I think so.I don't know if every episode, but occasionally, because he'll message me out of the blue and be like, hey man, listen to the episode.So yeah, probably.NLU or PGU?
NLU.Really?Yeah.Carl, what's up, brother? I'm sitting there, and this is good for taking L's, because for me, those feel, okay, am I embarrassed?Is there truth to this?What can I do about it?Is it constructive?Is it not?
I think the feedback piece to what you just said, if you have very low self-belief, and then you get level eight feedback, that's harsh.That's hard.I had to force that out of Amy, for lack of better phrasing.
So we were talking on the phone yesterday, and we were reviewing doing the metrics for group coaching, and I could tell she was holding something back. And I said, what's going on?What are you scared to share?And she's like, good for you.
Good for you.How do you know?I said, I can tell.I can tell.So, what's up?And she said, yeah, just I got some feedback about you on group coaching.I was like, here we go.Great.Positive?
Yeah.Constructive? But here's the deal, now I can improve.So every L is an opportunity to improve.So now I can try to interrupt Kev less or differently.Now here's the deal.Do I agree that that's what's best?It's intentions, approach, and results.
And I haven't talked about this in a long time.Every time you do something, you have to look at, okay, what was their intentions?What was the approach?And what was the impact?What was the result?
So my intention was pure to add value on group coaching.I was, oh, I can't wait to interrupt Kev a bunch.I'm not trying to dominate this conversation.My intention was to add value.
My approach was jump in because I don't know when I'm going to be able to And I want to make sure that, okay, did he think of this or did I want to reframe it for them so they understand the big picture.
And to be honest, too, in group coaching, I'm realizing this now, I'm on the listener's team more than I'm on Kevin's team.And with Emilia and I, Unconscious couples podcast that's been really challenging dude.
Imagine doing a podcast with Taryn Done one one episode back.How was it?I just let her go See that imagine doing that as a business Because the truth is I'm a significantly stronger communicator at this stage as Hard as that is to share
And Emilia is a strong communicator, but I've been doing this for at least three years longer and more full-time than her.And I'm more aware about what the listeners might need to hear in order to make a concept land.
I would say I'm good at making concepts land for an engineer.Okay. That said, my intention is for the listener.So I'm on the listener's team right now.I'm not on Kevin's team.I'm, I love your brother.We're good.I'm not here for you.
And I hope that's obvious, right?You're not here for me.We're here for the list.Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.Yeah.I don't even think about that really, but it's unconscious, right?
If you and I aren't on the same page, we get back on the same page, but the priority right now is the listener.
Always.Yeah.Even this episode, it's like, I don't, It's a it's a balance of I don't always want to do the episode.
It's not like I wake up today I was super excited to do these because we actually knew we were doing them So it was a little bit different but like sometimes I didn't want to do the episode on phone hygiene It's boring as shit, man But I remember yeah, I think it's boring as hell but I also think it's super valuable because What if somebody said what's one thing that has helped you remain less distracted today than you were five years ago?
It's phone hygiene So it's not the thing I was, I didn't wake up, roll out of bed and say, woohoo, let's go.I'm gonna talk about my home screen, talk about emergency contacts.Today's gonna be lit.
But after we did it, I was like, yeah, that was really valuable.That was a really valuable episode.So yes, I agree.
Well, when I'm with you, Amelia, I'll make this land. I it's very scary for me because she's the love of my life to not be on her team.I'm like advocating for the listener and sometimes when her and I aren't on the same page on live on the podcast.
It's I'm advocating for the listener not for her.
Yeah, and you can imagine right when you're at an event and Taryn's there it's hard for you because you have to shift from her being the priority back to the audience being the priority that can I think that's different.
That's different for me. I can tell when like Emilia was at the meetup, and Alan's different for a couple minutes, and then you go back.I- for me, it doesn't- I don't really think about it that much.Genuinely.
If anything, it like motivates me to do better.It's like more skin in the game. Like, Taryn was at my very first speech I ever gave.The very first speech I ever gave.
And I didn't really think about it.At all times, everyone has a priority.
An intention.The audience.
So that doesn't shift at all, even when Taryn's there?
No, I don't... It does change the audience, though, because she's in the audience. Yeah, but it's not for her.It's for the audience.She comes because she loves me not necessarily because she's Just because she's trying to learn something that day.
I'm I don't think about it's not for her.It's for the audience So it's always for the audience.
Okay intentions approach results My intention was pure in that moment when I took that L. My approach was not optimal, obviously, from everyone's perspective.I would be curious if other people agree.And then the result was I annoyed Carl.
Okay, every time you take an L, you have to parse all that out and then figure out what's accurate.Some people think, oh, I gave you feedback and you're pissed because it's true.You wouldn't be triggered if it wasn't true.
No, I'm pissed that you're that ignorant.It's not true, you're inaccurate.You don't get me, you don't see me.You don't understand what I'm trying to do here.And again, understandable, right?They have more, you can't see beneath the iceberg.
All you see is me interrupting Kevin.You don't see the thousands of things going on in my head for why I'm doing that.And so again, at the end of the day, the whole point of this episode is how do you handle feedback?
Because feedback, dude, what is coaching? feedback.I give feedback for a living and some people handle it so freaking well and they grow rapidly.People who do not handle feedback well are stuck as hell.
And I'm serious, I'm going to be very adamant about this.If you don't handle feedback well, you are stuck as it gets and you need to overcome that. NLU listener, what is happening?
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Well, the other thing too, this episode's about Carl.Essentially, it's becoming about Carl.He's really good at taking feedback.So it makes sense that for him, he wants to give it to help improve.
Carl will reach out with like five one-minute audios and ask me like five super deep questions.It's like, where am I effing up?
Loves it just all about it all about the growth so that's the other thing too is if you if you love receiving feedback you also might like giving it which is good depending on you know who you're giving it to and here's the other thing too I'm not this is where it always gets wonky I'm not saying lower your standards but
Underneath that group coaching example.We have never done that group coaching before it's the first time I made the entire thing Alan and I reviewed it 40 minutes before we did it and I've never taught that in the way we taught it.
Alan has never seen it in that way before.And then we went and did it live in front of 11 people.Of course there's gonna be, of course there's gonna be L's.And the reason I'm saying that is because Context matters.
So if this episode was an episode that I had done a thousand times, I say the same shit every time, I do the intro the same way, every word I say is exactly the same, an L for me would be forgetting a word.I've done this a thousand times.
I should know better by now.
if if there's a hurricane outside and I have to pee really bad and Tara and I are in a fight and Alan and I aren't connected and I don't know if my My check for my car is gonna go through and it's gonna get paid and I have a really bad headache and I feel nauseous I'm going to take all those into account
My performance now if you have ten out of ten the self-belief you're probably thinking yourself, whatever all of that doesn't matter.That's all circumstantial I'm gonna give it everything I have love it.
You have ten out of ten self-belief playing a different game But if you're somebody who you feel like you took an L Look at the reasons why you feel like you took an L and one of the reasons might be because I had a headache Cuz I didn't get enough sleep.
I'm not saying excuse your way out of improvement But if you feel like you're at a level 2 and you feel like you took a level 10 L, is there anything circumstantially that will help you close that gap?Because I think that would be constructive.
The first speech I ever gave went better than I expected.It's like, I crushed that.Awesome.I feel like I crushed it.The second speech I gave was terrible and I had the kids doing push-ups.Not good.Wasn't a good speech.
Then I sat down and said, okay, well, what happened?I got a little arrogant.I got a little arrogant after the first one.The first one went better than I expected.I thought I could get away with five flashcards.Yes, I took an L. Yes, it sucked.
Yes, it hurt.It was my approach that created the L more than anything else.So if I change my approach next time, things should go a little bit differently.And they did. There's the interrupt.I thought you were done.
That was a dramatic pause.The other piece of this, Kevin is always evolving.When he improves his pauses, now I have to re-figure out when to jump in.What are you benchmarking yourself?L's are contextual.
It's not like basketball, when you won the game or you lost the game.Okay, why?Well, my legs were shot.Okay, why?Because I did leg day right before the game.Okay, well, probably shouldn't do that.
The root cause analysis has to be powerful, and then you have to find an actual solution.So, Kevin and I have done audio issues for 1,850 episodes.
Every time there's an issue, I'm annoyed, and then I complain to you about it, and I turn that frustration into fascination.We figure out what's wrong, and then we improve.
All improvements are predicated on feedback, but if you don't take feedback well, you won't... Don't think you can improve without feedback.I think it's impossible It's impossible to improve without feedback.
You're not just gonna get better, but it's got to be constructive Yes agreed that so feedback is necessary, but not sufficient Because it needs to be constructive feedback When I say constructive I just mean within the realm of yeah, they're taught tolerance window
Yeah, it's got to be I'm now more than ever.I'm not saying this is like yeah, this is gonna solve everything.
I'm not saying that but Belief and the goals you set I believe should be within a certain amount of numbers So if you have a level 2 self-belief, I don't think you should set anything higher than a level 5 goal I don't yeah, that's my truth.
If you have level 2 belief, I don't think you should receive anything higher than level 5 feedback Because I think it's gonna suck That's why it's very important to figure... It's gonna be destructive.It's gonna be destructive.
That's why it's so important to figure out... Who do I ask for feedback?
I did three fitness shows.I came in arrogant to the first one.Lost.Came in super humble and fearful the second one.Did all my check-ins.Didn't miss a beat.Crushed everybody.And then got cocky again.Lost the third one.
The reason why we always say you can take feedback all along the way or get it all at once all at once creates trauma So I got laughed off stage on that third one Genuinely, like the judges were actually laughing.
I was brutal because I I breathed with a little whistle.
It sounded like a snake The guy next to me was like it's like what I don't know I remember what number you were is like what the hell number 87 doing and I was like, I don't know man.I I was so devastated.Kevin was so disappointed.I was so sad.
You've seen me take some L's, huh?I have seen you take many of the L's you talk about, I have seen you take.Or taken with you, unfortunately.I've taken some of them with you. We gave, real quick, real quick.
We went to Wisconsin, shout out to Bobby Joe, one of the amazing NLU family members.We got a speech that was to, it was 1,100 students over three groups, and then we were doing a training on effective communication to the faculty.
And when I tell you this was a level 10 L, It was a level 15 L. We start with, Alan's like, can everybody hear me?And a bunch of people in the back are like, no, not at all.And he's like, all right, good, let's go.
And then he just starts hammering and it was just- The 25 impact points of effective communication.
I don't know The best way I can explain it is if you've ever had a dream where you go to school naked That was the reality just standing there in front of all these people knowing that they all hated us and they're like, what are you?
30 year old kids know about communication when it comes to education, it's like
Honestly, probably very little based on the presentation that we just get we gave you wasn't our best stuff and We were not invited back the 25 impact points of effective communication or world-class.
I didn't understand the context like context matter context matters more than you can I mean it's If you don't have the context, talking to seven-year-olds is different.Remember we gave the speech to the kids?
I coached an 11-year-old and a seven-year-old once.I'll never forget it.It was a little girl and a young boy.Shout out to Tyrus.He's a very conscious parent who literally wanted me to pour into his kids.It was awesome.And
I was so out of my comfort zone.I don't know how to coach these little people.And they're like, yeah, I want to start a YouTube channel and all this stuff.I'm like, okay.You want to change the world?Yeah.You want to change the world?
You ready to change the world? How many habits you tracking are you up to six seven?Yeah, it's a little boy was less humble and the little girl was super humble and super came with questions and everything and that that makes a lot of sense.
I think statistically women are more humble.I'll say that forever.I think that's facts.But anyways, our whole point of this is feedback if you so what you're saying is that that would be traumatic for If you weren't there That would have been it
Now, if you weren't there, it wouldn't have happened that way.There's a lot of layers.I didn't even know what we were teaching until we taught it.So Alan, Alan was responsible for the training.
We did the, I spearheaded the presentation for the speeches.And Alan's like, yeah, no, I'm good, man.I got it.I got it.And I was like, all right, cool.And then like the day of, I looked at it and you and I went through it.
I was like, wait, this is what we're doing? There's like no stories or anything.Dude, we're in trouble.We are in trouble.That was when I thought concepts mattered.Well, they did.They're one-fifth of the equation.
Concepts are one-fifth of the equation.
I'll be very honest, very transparent, and slightly vulnerable.I knew you could handle more of the L than I did, than I could, so I just let you lead and essentially take many of the bullets.
Not because I want it wasn't like yeah, Alan's gonna fail it was I I was kind of like Alan I you kind of did this to us Yeah, I don't know if I can take any more than I'm taking This is gonna break me.This is gonna.
We are currently doing We're under fire.Yeah, we're currently doing damage and then on the way It was like walking out of an arena in an away game I was waiting for hot dogs to come flying down the stands freaking brutal, man I
Yeah, there's a lot to learn from all that.We did learn a lot from that.Dude, I never will do that again.I didn't understand.
Yeah, we learned so much.We learn way more from failure than we do from success, and I know we got to jump here, but people say that all the time, right?Micro failure for macro success.Two people go to the gym.
One person is struggling to get the 80s up, and the other person has the perfect outfit, and they're making it look easy.Which person do you bet on? the person who's struggling is going to grow more.They're going to learn more.
They're going to, yeah, they'll get injured more, but they'll also rehab better.And they'll, they'll just, one of them is going to be more jacked in five years in better shape.And that's the case.
You, if you have level two self-belief, take a level two, set a level three goal, take a level two L and until you get to level three, this is next level.You next level university.I'm Alan version 3.6 dude.
I don't even feel like Alan version 3.6 would, would mind an L like that as much.And here's the deal.Ironically, I wouldn't take an L like that.
It's almost like by the time you can handle the loss, you're already grown past that in a way because of all the losses you took before that.So out of every hundred shots you take, you probably lose 70 of them.
You probably do decent at 20 and then you get 10 in.You hit 10 three-pointers.People remember the three-pointers. And ultimately, long term, that's a lot of three-pointers.You know, I mean, we've done 16 groups in group coaching.
What if we reached out to 100 people each group, that's 1600 people, and just said, hey, you know, we have this group coaching program, it's super valuable, do you want in?Let's say, out of those 100 each, 30 responded and 10 joined.Great.
And now that said, you got to be respectful and you can't spam and be careful with that because some people just spray and pray.
But at the end of the day, we have gotten to where we are, this level of success through pain, failure, suffering, trials, tribulations, and most importantly, taking feedback constructively, figuring out what is the truth in this feedback and then changing our approach for next time.
Alan version 3.6 and Kevin version 3.5.I'm not even 36 yet.
I'm gonna be 36 I guess next week in a week or two 17th and We are capable of so much more But because we developed ourselves through each of those struggles when you go to the gym, that is the best metaphor it's it easy workouts don't create growth hard workouts
Create growth and then you go in and even have and then you up the ante and then you have an even harder workout And then you up the ante and then you have any of the heart growth requires feedback.And so Carl shout out to you brother.
I Know you didn't mean it negatively.It's up to me to take it and Find a way to make it constructive because sometimes you are gonna get level 10 L's when you don't expect it That's what trauma is dude adversity is
a lot of feedback that's unexpected.That car accident was tons of feedback for me.And fortunately, I was physically okay, but I had to find a way to work through that trauma and figure out what I want to change.
The adversity and feedback and constructive criticism and all these painful things, struggles that we go through to achieve our goals, They're worthless unless you do something with them.So hopefully they make you stronger.They make you smarter.
They make you more resilient, more grit.Hopefully they, you grow from them and it makes them more meaningful.And then when you get to the top of the metaphorical mountain and you do achieve a goal or a dream, you can say, it was worth it.
It was worth it.And all the pain and suffering and struggles were worth it. Dude, just meeting Emilia, it made it all worth it.I took so many L's in relationships before meeting Emilia, and I would do it all again to meet her again.
And I just feel like that's what the human condition is.There's no one on planet Earth who doesn't struggle.There's only people who fake like they don't.Epic monologue. Thanks, brother.
Rather than try to add on to that, this is what I was thinking before you went on the epic monologue, so I'm not thinking about it as much.But imagine after we were talking about the L we took for the speech, we had like a really nice commercial.
Hey, this is Kevin Palmieri, and I'm Alan Lazarus.Let us teach you how to speak effectively. It's audiences.Imagine if we had a commercial right after we talked about how bad we did.That would be really funny.
That would be like, ironically, we're actually more ready to teach that.
We are.Yeah, we are.Well, even then we just, it was, the approach was off.We, the points are really good.25 points are really good.We just, we had like 28 minutes to deliver 25 points and we were just. Here's one, here's one, here's one, here's one.
We'll never do that again.No, lessons were learned, lessons were learned.Okay, if you want to make sure you never miss an opportunity to get to the next level, subscribe on whatever platform you are watching or listening to us on.
Not only does it help us help more people, because it puts us in the charts and all that happy jazz, but I know not every day is the day you wake up and say, I really want to get better today.
So when you get the notification that NLU dropped the latest episode, maybe that'll be the gentle kick in the butt.We also have Next Level Nation, a free private Facebook group to help you get to the next level.
So if you're all in on Next Level-ness, we have a Facebook group just for you.As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you.At NLU, we don't have fans, we have family.We will talk to you all tomorrow.
Keep taking feedback constructively.Next Level Nation. Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University.We love connecting with the Next Level family.We mean it when we say family.
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