Hi, everyone, I'm Brene Brown, and this is Unlocking Us.Welcome back to our eight-part series that I'm calling On My Heart and Mind.
We started the series with my conversation with Valerie Core on the power of revolutionary love and being a sage warrior.
I've talked to Dr. Sarah Lewis on her stunning new book, The Unseen Truth, Roxane Gay, on her amazing essay on black gun ownership, to my friend, Dr. Mary Clara Haver,
on menopause, and I just did a two-part special with one of, I've talked to a lot of historians in this series, but I love history, so probably always on my heart and mind.
My last two-parter, I guess, was Dr. Heather Cox Richardson on American democracy.And today, my sisters.
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Ashley and Barrett and I are going to talk about, it's funny because we teed this up.We're like, we should do a podcast on like mom and grief and love and joy.And then today we were like, shit, I don't want to talk about that to y'all.
So I think it's going to be about grief and joy and love, but we'll see where it goes.Welcome to Unlocking Us.
Thanks for having us.We're excited.Liars.
Where should we jump in?So for those of you who don't know, my mom died on Christmas morning this past year, 2023 Christmas morning, and hard dementia journey. Ashley and Barrett and I were her primary caregivers along with Steve.
I would give a shout out to my husband, Steve, who was really, when we all had to be like, I can't do it.I can't do it this week.I can't do it this week.And you're like, I can't do it this week either.Barrett's like, screw y'all, not it.
Then Steve would be like, I'm in.And a lot of other times too.So I think we were going to talk about what our experience has been.So it's been 10 months.Yeah.
It's crazy. Almost to the day.
Oh yeah.Yeah.Where do we, I mean, we're all looking at each other like, don't go there.
Oh God, the therapist is going first.Go ahead.
Let's just all take a deep breath.Okay.I'm already, I'm on my first, how many- And Brené, why don't you tell the red bird story?Because that's a good place to start.
So there's a TikTok or an Instagram reel that we love with these two sisters who are talking about when their mom died and they just start laughing so hard.They're like, we didn't cancel your insurance.We didn't pay for this.
We didn't know how it worked.And so I think we would send that to each other all the time. I guess is it fair to say, we'll get to the red bird story, but let's back up.Is it fair to say, well, I'll talk about me first.
You know, I'm the number one on the Enneagram.
I thought you were just gonna say I'm number one.
Or number three.Birth order.
We have a brother between us.But I think for me, there was grief and relief when she died.
Yeah, I think that like really ragged, jagged edge grief of losing your mom like a memory at a time and then watching her body fall apart, that was worse I think for me.Yeah, me too.What do y'all think?
I think it was really, really tough. I feel like I lost her like four times.The grieving process was just like, okay, she's sick.Okay, she has to leave her house.Okay, we have to pack up her house.We have to get her house ready.
okay, this, okay, that it just felt like a lot of different steps and a lot of different processes through it.So, and towards the end, it was just kind of hard to watch.
Yeah.And then she got COVID.Yeah.Then she got COVID.Had to go to the hospital by herself.
No, I was with her, remember?I took her to the hospital.
No, we were together, and Barrett was there.We were all there, but we had to, like, take turns because of COVID.
Oh, yeah.No, I was thinking about when she got COVID most recently, and I was there, like, blowing her nose and helping her shower and stuff, and then I got COVID.Yes.
Oh, yeah, that was when she got home from the hospital.Right.Yeah.
That's the thing, though, too, is, like, It was so hard because even just like going to visit, there would be like moments that felt so normal.
Like just for like a minute, like I would tell her something and her immediate reaction would be the same reaction she had five years before she had to go into memory care.
And so it was like, maybe it didn't feel the same, but those little beautiful nuggets that just kind of help you move through the journey. Or I did really love it.
I think you started this with her, Brene, playing all the music from the 50s and 60s that she would just sing and sing.It was really hard.I think those little nuggets of beauty or I don't know what it was, but most of it was hard.
There were a lot of those little small moments though.I remember when we were there one time, I was there with my daughter and we texted you, Brene, and we were like, tell us some songs to play.She wants to listen to music.
And so you had sent over like six or seven songs to play from when you were young and what her and her mom listened to.And so I would play them and she would just light up and she'd be like, I just want to cry right now.
This makes me think of Meemaw, which was her mom. That music thing was amazing, how she would just go right back.And it wasn't all music.If you went to more recent music, she didn't have the same reaction as that old school, old country.
What were some of the songs that you sent?
Well, this whole thing reminds me of Oliver Sacks, the neurologist who said, music needs no mediation, it pierces the heart directly.I think that, you know, it was songs like, it was everything from, you know,
Que Sera Sera, lots of 50s, The Big Bopper, Chantilly Lace, but also even going back further to songs that like she and Meemaw would listen to, songs that were from like the late 40s and early, early 50s, even before that.
So I think it was so weird as many of you have experienced dementia in people you love, it's like she couldn't She may not even remember my name, but she could tell you what happened in 1975 in our neighborhood, you know.
Yeah.She told a lot of stories about her grandpa's bike shop.
We had so many, like her entire apartment was just covered with pictures from her growing up.And so she would focus in on one and tell a story about it over and over.
I am not to the place where I have any good memories of that period of time.I even drive down that street.Her apartment?Yeah.
That's what we like to call it.
We like to call it her apartment, but it's the independent through assisted through memory care place.I don't have that.I don't know.This is how we're very different.Oh, yeah.We've all done it very differently.
You ought to tell when we get to the red bird story.Yeah, no, I don't know why. I have obviously good memories of mom, but for me, that was just a hateful, terrible experience.
It totally was.But I think for me, I spent some time avoiding that place and just avoiding wanting to go.And then in some of my own work, when I did start to go back to see her, I could find like the little magic in each visit.
And it's like, I think we talked about this, like we'd call and we'd be like, we're gonna be there in two hours, you know, get up and get dressed or whatever.And then we'd get there and she'd be like, oh my gosh, what are you doing here?Surprise!
I don't know.I mean, there was just still, she was still in there sometimes.And I think that's what made it worth it for me.
I mean, I think it's interesting because I think it's like we're thinking about who we are, birth order, and how all of that intersects with that, right?Yeah.Yeah, because I think for me, I always felt like not there enough, not doing enough.
Why can't I fix this?What specialist can I find?I felt immense responsibility every day and probably while I was sleeping.I just felt like, this is my job to make this better, and I cannot make this better.
And so that was like, it's just, it pushes up against my overactive sense of agency.But it's also hard because I'm also in charge of a lot of shit.So it's like, it's a serenity prayer.
help me accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can.And I've ad-libbed the last line to say, give me the space, grace, and wisdom of discernment and choosing, because that's my problem.
I can't figure out what I can change and what I can't.So I think for me, especially, and it was just the reality of it.
we can decide whether we're gonna leave this in or not, but the reality that no one talks about, like when I had Ellen, like no one, people would tell some horror stories about birth, which are not helpful, and they would tell me romanticize, but they would never tell me like, that's messy.
That shit's messy.It's like physically messy.Like people are gonna have on galoshes who deliver this baby.Like it's like serious.No one talks about.
you know, where mom's stuck in the bathroom and you've literally got shit all over you and you're trying to get her up and she's humiliated because she knows enough to be humiliated and you're crying and she's crying and no one talks about that.
And we can't be the only people it happens with.
No way.No.And so I think That part was just, the end was hard.It was hard.And the middle was hard and the beginning was hard.I remember getting ready to do a podcast and I remember
I think I just deleted that screenshot where she called 14 times in, you know, nine minutes, you know, asking, can you do this?Can you bring me this?I think I'm gonna go on a road trip.
Or like the police calling because her husband had, you know, left and was lost and on foot.And then doing that while I've got kids at home.
Oh my gosh.No one prepares you for that. No one prepared you for that?
No.How do you do both?And like, how lucky are we?There's three of us plus Steve, that's four.And we still- And we have resources.Yeah, we have resources.
And we were still really hard on ourselves for not being there and not doing more and not doing like, all being there all the time.And then the struggle of like,
taking your kids or not taking your kids or missing a game to go see mom or not going to see mom because you had a game or you know what I mean?
Like just... To sandwich stuff.
It's a shit sandwich is what kind of sandwich it is.
100% shit sandwich.Yeah.And that's when my daughter was like packing up and heading to college.And I was like, no, it's too much.I'm just going to go ahead and take a break.
No, I think it was hard.And I think I don't know, you just do the best you can, right?I never forced my kids to go.Because I remember with Meemaw, especially at the very end, the last couple of days, I remember that it took me five years.
And Meemaw was my person.Her name was Ellen.I named my daughter Ellen.She was my person.I loved her so much.It took me five years to get that image of her out of my head.
of that glassy eyed looking through you, like kind of how mom was when she died.And when the kids were like, should we go?I was like, you don't have to.
I think y'all told your kids the same thing, right?My kids didn't go the last day.I don't think mine did either.Mine did.Yeah.
And I said, you know, Oma loved you like crazy and you loved her and however you can remember it.
We just saw Barrett grab a tissue and we're like, oh no, here we go.She got a runny nose though.It's just because it's like 67 in here, that's all.
That's because on top of raising our kids, taking care of our mother and working 60 hours a week, we're all on fucking menopause.
What? It's a joke.Welcome to midlife.
It's a cruel joke.Yeah, that's how you grab that.I was like, cut, exit.
I know this all got so quiet.I was like, my nose is running.
Okay, if you're going to start crying, yeah.And I think we're all very different, right, would you say?Yes.
Yeah, totally.We've handled it from the first day very different, all of us.
Yeah, I mean, I forgot about the house and all that stuff.And so my mom went into the hospital in November of 2019 with a blocked intestine that was not supposed to be a big deal to fix.And then it was like a 12-hour surgery.
They brought in trauma surgeons.She was really never the same after that.And I think she had been hiding some of her dementia up until that point.And so she never went home again after that.
Yeah.She stayed in the hospital for like nine weeks.A really long time.Yeah.And she had to go to tier for rehab to learn how to walk again and stuff.
And I remember someone there saying something like it's for every week that you're in the hospital when you're over 70, it's a month of recovery or something.But she never recovered.She went from there to assisted living and she was married.
We'll leave it there.Yeah, she was married and that was hard.And do you remember the first week we moved her into that apartment, we put all of our pictures up, and then we remember that giant post-it note that we had?It was like a big poster size.
It said, No.1, this is where you live.No.2, you don't owe anyone any money.No.3, all of your money is safe.Because No.4, you don't have any. But those are the questions she'd ask every day.Where's my checkbook?Who's got my checkbook?
Who's got my credit card?How am I going to pay for this?I don't have any money to pay for this.Why am I living in this apartment?And we just tried to do that big poster and then we add things to it.
Number five to her husband, you cannot leave on foot and take her with you.She can't do that.She's going to get scared and fall. And then we had to sell the house and I was like, we're selling the house.We'll have it cleaned out in a week.
And y'all were like, I need more time with it.I was like, Jesus, that was hard.That was really hard.I think kind of you needed more time with it, right?
I mean, I didn't know what I needed, but I know I needed you to stop telling me what to do.
No space, no space or grace.
No, we got shit to do.Yeah.Well, you got shit to do.No.No, because I'm thinking to myself, the liability of having that empty house there, and then
I'm still laughing at y'all.
Yeah, what were you doing?
You were somewhere in the middle, I think.
Yeah.I was like, take it.We can take more time.We can do it now.Just let me know.What are we going to do?What are we going to do?
I don't know if I needed more time or what I needed, but I think every layer that was happening was just very hard.So it was like, we think we're going to walk in and clean out this house and it's going to be hard.
And I think we're ready for it to be hard.But then I think you forget about all of the different pieces of who mom is and in each room I was finding those different pieces and I was just like overcome sometimes with it was a lot.Yeah.
I think we all had our own moment in that house at some point during those few weeks.Yeah.
Oh yeah, I had a total breakdown.I was just laying on the middle of the floor screaming, crying.I didn't even pack a thing.Steve just put me back in the car and drove me home.I was probably throwing shit at you.I think it's different.
I think, yeah, I just think we're just different personalities and also I think Yeah, I mean, I think you did a better job than I did feeling your way through it, probably, Ashley.
Yeah.And I think, in all fairness to me, I'm responsible for a lot more.
I totally agree.And I am grateful that you put some timelines in place and thought about those things, which gave me the freedom to probably feel more.
Yeah, and I think being in charge of the timelines and those things let me feel less.
And it's not that I don't feel, it's just that I... It was a very hard time, because if you put this whole thing into perspective, if you step back, she gets sick in November of 2019.She was an amazing mom. Right?Yeah.
Like terrible in the beginning and then did her own work and turned the whole tanker that is our family and introduced her whole family to the concepts of addiction and recovery.Harriet Lerner.Harriet Lerner, dance of anger, therapy.
She was the first person to go to therapy.So she did all that work and she did not take care of her money.So there was a lot of financial hard stuff going on.It was 2019.We put her in assisted living.
And many of y'all know this, like you're going to usually write in that check every month.There's not an insurance answer there.And then she doesn't have that kind of money.And then two months later, we do an event at NASA.
Two of our employees get deathly sick.It turns out they have COVID. And then three weeks later, we lose 75% of the revenue for our organization projected for 12 months because every event canceled.
And it was kind of not a book year, it was an event year.And so it was, there was a lot going on. Oh, then, then COVID happened and they were worried about everybody.They were worried about everybody in the assisted living thing.
And we snuck her out like AMA of the assisted living.And then she goes to Austin and lives in the house with all of y'all and Steve and all the kids are homeschooling from like fighting for internet.
And then I'm here. doing a podcast out of Charlie's closet on top of Dirty Under Armour, it was hard.What was your take on everything, Barrett?
No, I think it was really hard.I think, you know, looking back, I'm so grateful for the time that we were quarantining together.
Also, there was like a big freeze in Houston and we had to go get her from her apartment and she came and stayed at my house.And my daughter and my dog were like in her lap for two days straight.
And I had a big note next to the bed that's like, you're at Barrett's house.You're safe.Just ring the bell and I'll come, you know?
So I'm able to find some moments, but I think when we look back at it, like retrospectively, it's like, shit, that was a lot.That was a lot.
And like, I think when you say like Meemaw was your person, I would say like that mom, I think for Ashley and I, like, I would talk to mom every day on my drive in and out of work.And so it was kind of like also just losing that.
person, you know, because when you work with your sisters, you need someone outside of your sisters to complain about your sisters, too.And she was like a judge-free zone.
She was like, I'll take it to the grave.She'll call me and be like, hey, you need to back off.
Oh, yeah.I mean, hard.It was really hard.
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There was a weekend, like we would take weekends, take turns going home and someone staying with mom at the lake.And so there was a weekend that it was just my daughter and me and mom.
And so Friday night we watched Singing in the Rain and mom just jumped right back into it.It was so cute.And then Saturday night we watched the Blue October documentary that had just come out.And she was crying because it's about addiction and stuff.
And when it was over, she's like,
That is just the most amazing movie I've ever seen in my life.And I was like, well, that was a documentary.
But it was just so, it was sweet.So while it was really hard with Barrett, there were some really sweet moments too.
Yeah, no, I got nothing on this one.
I mean, I think there were... You were like close to like renting a bus.Do you remember this?You were going to rent a bus or RV maybe.
And you were going to take her to San Antonio and drive her through all the old parts of San Antonio so she could see him.And you're getting an RV so that y'all wouldn't have to stop for her to go to the bathroom.
Oh yeah.We actually rented the RV, but it just didn't happen because I think something happened with her health.But no, I think, I don't know.I think It's weird for me to phrase.
I think it's because I'm eight years older than Aisling Barrett for y'all.I think it was, I hold a history with mom that y'all don't hold, right?
Yeah.So if y'all are like, what songs did she listen to?I know that.So I think for me, of course I had great moments with her, like laughter moments, or I'd take her go eat somewhere.But I think for me, We've had this debate, here it comes.
Do y'all know what I'm gonna say?No.
What do you think I'm gonna say?
If you're, what's the word?
I'm not a sentimental person.Yeah, that's the word, yeah.Bullshit.Yeah, no, but I actually don't think it's bullshit.I think that, and that hurts my feelings a little bit.I'm sorry.Because you should look sorry, y'all.
No, I'm just not a sentimental person.I'm a very thoughtful person. Right?But I'm not a sentimental person.
And so for me, I think, for me, it was like a slow erasing of the only other person alive who held a set of memories and meaning making about the world.Like that just was slowly, like that whole part of my life was being erased.
y'all were too young to remember Joe and Lorena and early Nemaw and Curly and Sister and old neighbors and things like that because y'all were young.And so it was just this four-year slow erasing of many, many lines that tethered me to this world.
And so I think I did a lot of the grieving during that process.I don't think I ever left there like, oh my God, that was a joyful, I'm really grateful that brought joyful.
I think I left there crying every time, thinking I'm watching someone erase my memory of how I make sense of the world.Because she's the only other person in the world that held those.Do you know what I mean?
Yeah. it's okay that I'm not a sentimental person, like y'all have a hard time with it, because I think y'all think of me as a thoughtful person.
Well, I just want to ask, I would like to know what the difference is between sentimental and thoughtful.
Okay, so an example, so mom died on Christmas Day, and then on January 6th was her birthday. Yeah, and then I think somewhere I got a text that said, what did it say?
We're all gonna put on mom's jewelry and go eat at Barnaby's.
And I was like, that'll fucking never happen.Like, there is zero chance that I'm gonna put on mom's jewelry and go eat at her favorite restaurant on her birthday. That's something I wish I could erase from my memory.Fair enough.
That text, yeah.Just FYI, it didn't happen.
Okay.But just the thought of it was like, sometimes I really hate y'all.
Yeah, so I think that's sentimental.Like, where... Is it?
Well, it's stupid, but...
Whatever y'all want to call it.I thought it was just really fun.Mom's got some good jewelry.
I know, but no, not going to do that.Yeah, I'm not sentimental like that.I just can't imagine anything worse, really.
Okay, but there are so many moments that you do things that I'm just like, oh my God, that's the most amazing thing that you just did ever.And it's so sentimental and meaningful.Don't call it that.
Well, that's why I'm asking you to help me understand.
Give me an example of something that you think I did that was the S-word.
Just from my point of view, it's like a tennis match.Back and forth, back and forth.
So when mom was going to the hospital and we didn't know if she was going to make it, what did you do?You got some stuff to put in her hand.
Oh, yeah, from Meemaw.Yeah.
Would you consider that to be thoughtful?
Yeah, it's just not, I'm not mushy.Maybe, I could see you're not mushy.I think I'm a fairly serious person, right?And so when she was dying, I needed to make sure she had direct connection with Meemaw.Like, so she had some of Meemaw's stuff with her.
I don't want her to be in any touchy-feely group projects with anybody.
Me neither. I'd like to lead them.I don't want to be in it.
Well, raise your hand if you think Ashley wants to be in a group sentimental motion project.So Barrett and I are raising our hands.So you are that.Okay, I love it.
That's true.I actually would be.Yeah.I want to do that.Okay.Yeah.
I don't want to do like naked yoga, but I do think it would be cool.
Right.Like, I'm not doing that.What about you Barrett?
I like to think of mom's memory like my daughter had the best explanation.She came home from school one day and she was like, they called her Oma.Oma was with me today.And I was like, oh, why?
She's like, because all the people I hated, they kept falling in front of me and I know she was tripping.
And that's so the relationship she had with your daughter.Yeah, no, I think that's good.
I will tell you that I was so unprepared.Ellen and I did like a mother-daughter trip to San Miguel Allende. Like, you know, our mom had a Mexican import store like in the 80s.Station wagon.Yeah, very, very early.
So much so that everyone thought she was a devil worshiper because she had a lot of Day of the Dead. Isabel Allende art and things like Katrinas everywhere.So I was not prepared.
And so I was on the street taking a picture and Ellen walked into the first store we went to after we left the hotel.And she came out and she was just white as a ghost.And she's like, I hope all the stores aren't like this.It's like an Oma store.
So I just want you to be prepared when you walk in.I mean, every store was wall-to-wall Katrinas, wall-to-wall Day of the Dead.But I was just like, Okay, that's cool.And then I realized that she went there a lot.Dad told me some stories about that.
We used to go there a lot, all the time.
I mean, she used to make an altar every year for Meemaw, which was so fun because it would have Burt Reynolds, Kentucky Fried Chicken Gravy, Benson and Hedges, Sweet and Low, Whipped and Iced Tea, Honey Buns.
I did ask my daughter a couple weeks ago if she wanted to make an altar this year.She said, no, no, it's okay.
Yeah, I think we just all handled it like we just have different roles, I think, and different experiences.
The Redbird story was like, this was just so classic.
So how did it even start?Okay.So our office is two stories.And so I walked in to the front door and Barrett happened to be walking across the balcony and she's like, hey, what's up?How are you? I'm having a really hard day.I miss mom.
And I just kept going on and she's like, yeah, it's been really hard.But there's like this red bird that's in my backyard.And it just makes me so happy because I get to see it every day.
And I'm like, I just need the red bird to come visit me.And I need the red bird to come visit me today.
And then somehow, did you tell me like- I told you.
And you're like, here's the difference.I would have called Natural Wildlife and been like, okay, we got to get this bird captured and get it over to Ashley's house for a few hours so everybody's okay and then we'll take the red bird back to Merritt.
Yeah, I was like, why are y'all telling me this?Like, I don't know how I'm going to get the red bird over there.And they're like, We're not asking you to do anything.We're just telling you the story."And I'm like, why are you sharing it with me?
Because I don't know where to get a Redbird.I can't order a Redbird.Can I get a fake one?I mean, I can order them from Amazon.I'm like, why do I need to know this?
I just try to go about my business, walking from one office to the next.
Ashley and I can't continue the podcast because we've rolled our eyes so hard at Barrett now that they're stuck in the back of our head.
So I was walking across and you were like, I didn't remember.
That day you were walking across.Maybe that day, but like, no, but you're not like the, oh, I'm just watching the tennis match.No, you're in the match.No, I do.
That specific time I was watching, I do like to be in the match.
What do you think your role in the match is?
She has some middle child energy on us.
Yeah, I think Ashley and I might've been switched.At birth?I'm pretty sure I'm middle child.I'll totally be youngest.
Yeah.Ashley was six months earlier than Barrett, theoretically.
Barrett's got a lot of mom in her around the Peacemaker stuff.Yes.
I've done a lot of work not to do that.A lot of my own work not to do that.I've offended.
That's a good question.What do y'all think your best trait is that you got from mom?Oh, that's a good one.
Okay, one thing that I think we all got from mom that I love and I'm so proud of is that we respect the people that come in and water the plants the same way we respect the CEOs that come in here to meet with Brene or whatever we're doing.
Just respect for everyone all the time.I love that trait.
Yeah, I think that's true. Silly true.My mom came from really, really hard shit.She did.Poverty, addiction, abuse, like hard, hard, hard, hard.She clawed her way out of it and got help and yeah.
I mean, I think that lesson of never look away from someone's pain. that when people are in pain, look them in the eye.Like Jesus Christ, we were the first people at every funeral where someone died.Four hours later, we're there with casseroles.
We're like, oh my God, Mom, I'm not gonna know what to say.Even awful deaths, which just seems to be a propensity I have in our neighborhood growing up.But we were just always there.She's like, you just don't look away. look away from people in pain.
You look them directly in the eye.You share their pain.And then when you're in pain, you look for the brave people that can look at you in the eye.So I think that's probably the big lesson from mom for me.
Yeah.I mean, I feel like that lesson, like peel it back one at a time, because I feel like one of the things that I love that I took from mom was just like this. really big heart in helping others who don't have resources.
Oh, I can remember her like watching the news and calling me and being like, what is this school district doing?What about all the people that are going to be impacted by this?
So like this advocacy of people that needed resources and that needed help and support.Like I do a lot of clinical work with a group of people that have experienced being unhoused.And she loved that work so much.
Every time I talked about it, she would just like light up.Because she was doing similar work to that.She wasn't a therapist, but she was volunteering all over the place.Because she comes from that.
Yeah.I mean, she just comes from hard.She comes from poverty.She comes from hard, you know?And so, yeah, she was brave.She was way before her time.
I do think she turned the tanker for us.I mean, a hundred percent.You said it earlier, but I think about that a lot.
I feel like she gave me a Harriet Lerner book when I was like 16 and said, I think it's time you go to therapy.Yeah, same.And that's when I started group therapy and I'm pretty sure I was the co-facilitator.
At 16?Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.Oh my gosh.Yeah, she was maid of honor at my wedding.Oh, I love that so much.It's cool.Yeah.But we had a more serious relationship.I mean, we would die laughing sometimes, but I'm wondering if I'm a serious person.
I always see myself as like Meg Ryan in French Kiss, but I'm not.I always see myself as like slapstick funny, and I think I'm funny.I have a good sense of humor, but I think I'm a serious person.
You had a different relationship with mom.I mean, I think it was just a different time.It was like, I think we were 13 when our parents got divorced and you were already in college.
You had a very different upbringing than we did and different relationship with both parents.
Yeah, I think that's true.I mean, I was 21.Yeah.
And you were the first one to like set boundaries and to circle back to shit growing up. We got to benefit the work that you did.Thank you.
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I will say though, before we leave, that one thing that I think it'd be so important just to talk about for a second is how things change so dramatically with mom once we got her in hospice.
Oh, we should talk about that.For any of you that are on this long ass walk with someone you love who has a dementia diagnosis, that it's not just hospice, but it's also palliative care.
And there's a difference about whether you qualify for palliative care or hospice.And I think it's basically like how long you have to live.But during her last hospitalization with COVID, the palliative care team at Methodist here was amazing.
And they came and said, what is the palliative care plan here?And then they sat down and they explained palliative care with dementia.And they said, so few people access the resources available through your mom's Medicare and all of those things.
So few people access palliative care with dementia patients, much less hospice.And it really changed everything for us.
Amazing.I mean, social worker every week or every other week, they're allowed to supply oxygen, which her apartment wasn't able to do.
Yeah, so like every time there was an oxygen issue, an ambulance would have to come get her.And any traumatic event like that for a dementia patient,
No matter where you are in that journey of cognitive decline, every traumatic event is such a huge unrecoverable setback.And so the ability to have oxygen in the room because of hospice and palliative care, we didn't know.We had no idea.
They brought a bed that sat up so she could eat.
And bed sores because she got to the point where she couldn't get out of bed.
I mean, you hear hospice and you just think, oh, death is around the corner, but it could be around the corner or it could be months away.So just check in and see what resources are available and what you can get because it was a game changer.
And God bless the people that work in palliative care and hospice.Those are our heroes for sure.And they were our heroes before our up-close personal experience with mom.And they just have all these trained people in dementia care.
And a nurse that was there twice a week or at least once a week, a nurse would be by to check on her, which was really helpful. I think the continuity of care too that a hospice nurse can provide was helpful.Yeah.It was awesome.
Yeah.So if you're on that journey.
Yeah, it's nothing but a collection of hard choices over and over and over again.
And I think the one thing that we did is, and I think this is where our Venn diagram of likeness comes in, like I had a really hard confrontation with mom that y'all were there for.And it was like she was super cruel and terrible.
And it was shocking, I think, to y'all and shocking to me.And then I couldn't see her for like a month. I mean, I came home screaming, crying on the phone with my therapist, like, what is happening?
And I think it was, if I look back on it, there's a really terrible moment in the dementia journey where you're losing control of your body.
And I mean, you're having accidents in your pants, those things are happening, but you know enough to be humiliated and feel shame.And so I was an easy target. you know, which is kind of part of the family story a little bit because I'm the oldest.
And so I remember telling my therapist, like, I just don't think I can go back.And she's like, you don't need to go back.And I said, I may never be able to go back.And she's like, you don't ever have to go back.
And I remember calling y'all on a three-way call, which we did a lot then, and said, I can't go back right now. don't go back, we'll go back."I think every one of us tapped out.
Like month-long tap outs during this thing where I just can't do it right now.And so, again, we're so lucky because we have each other.
because we all study shame and we work in that area.And we know that like shame around caregiving, people really struggle with the idea that one day they're like, it's a privilege to take care of you.
It's a privilege to get you undressed and put you in the shower and shower you and do this thing.And the next day you're like, I hate your guts and I wish you would die tomorrow because I can't keep doing this.I'm going to lose my job.
My marriage is falling apart.My kids are sick.And I think we We're very shame resilient around that.We knew all that was normal.
And we checked in with each other if we were making up that kind of a story.
The normalizing of it was so helpful.
Yeah.Am I the asshole if?
Yeah.For real.Yeah.And we're like, no, Dementia's the asshole here.
Yeah.And so I think that was, that was really, and if you're by yourself doing this, but just think of us maybe if it's helpful, like, yeah.And I still, we still haven't written thank you notes.
There's a lot we haven't done with mom stuff that we,
I haven't been one, like I got all this stuff out and I put it on the ping pong table in our house.And it's been there for like six months.If Steve leaves something on the kitchen counter for more than two hours, I'm like, this does not live here.
And he just walks by, I mean, there's boxes of shit everywhere.And he just walks by and smiles and pats me on the butt.One day it's all gonna be gone and it's gonna be better.But like, I think it's hard.
Yeah.I've been thinking about Christmas because she has so many Christmas ornaments that have a lot of memories wrapped around them.Where are those?At your house, storage somewhere.
I got the air quote, storage.No, they are at your house.Yeah.
My mom would say, wait, where's this?We'd go, storage.Air controlled storage.
She'd be like, I had this ring that had like a pink something on it, like storage.My file cabinet storage.
oh we inherit her like pathological obsessive compulsive collection of office supplies let me tell you clean out her house that'll cure you that shit in a heartbeat i got one packet pins at a time that's it i got one i got post-it notes in one color yeah yeah that's it like you saw that and you're thinking
Wow, not only does she collect a lot of stuff, she had a label maker and she named that stuff.
Container store.She probably could have opened up her own.Yeah.
Yeah.That's a good part of her though, I think.
I was looking on Anthropologie to get a new bedspread, comforter, whatever, and I was like, every one of them was like, oh, this looks just like mom, like big, wild colors.
When I was going to the box, her laminator was in there.
Oh my gosh.I mean, I can't tell you how many times I borrowed it.
I'm sure it was the school teacher, yeah, but my worst laminator story with mom was When I was in graduate school, she gave me a part-time job in drywall.
We should just stop there.
Yeah.We've all worked for the drywall companies.Yeah.She was the controller for a commercial drywall company, and so she would give me part-time work.
I would do the progressive billing, and for those of you that know anything about construction billing, before there was a computer program, it was so hairy and terrible.But I would do it, and that's how I paid for my MSW and part of my PhD.
I would have this part-time job. And one day I was having to laminate a lot of shit for her and I got really bored. And I was like, oh my God, oh my God.And mom came running in and she was like, what's wrong?And I was like, oh my God, just leave.
And she goes, what is wrong?Are you okay?And I was like, no, you gotta leave.She said, I'm not leaving.I'm not leaving.And she said, what did you do?What are you hiding?And I said, I wanted to see what would happen if I laminated my gum.
I took it out of my mouth like a big ass piece of Hubba Bubba.
And it came out of the sides and it just broke the whole laminator.I was like 27.
You were working in her closet.Yeah, I was working in her closet in her office.
We're not gonna tell anybody about it.You're like, you know who you are if you had to buy a new laminator.Right, yeah.And then she ran out and said, Bernay Laminator!Hubba Bubba!
You know, it was like construction awful.Why?
Wouldn't it work?What happened?
All right, y'all. This is Unlocking Us, we're Sophisticated Conversations.You can learn more about this episode, like how to laminate your gum, on brenebrown.com.How to capture a red bird.
Yeah, how to capture a wild red bird, place it in a natural habitat.
Y'all can't see me when I'm flipping her off.
She is giving the double bird.Anyway, we'll have transcripts.
I'll do it mom style without any wings.
Mom's flip off was the worst.There's something vulgar about a bird without wings.It's just so ugly.I think the wings soften it a little bit.Anyway, that's us.
Can't wait for the next time.
Stay awkward, brave, and kind. Unlocking Us is produced by Brene Brown Education and Research Group.The music is by Kerry Rodriguez and Gina Chavez.Get new episodes as soon as they're published by following Unlocking Us on your favorite podcast app.
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