Today you're gonna watch the game though today, right?Like no, you don't even give a fuck.You're not like glued to it at all Not at all.Interesting.What are you eagles or any sports still?
I don't care about sports My dad never watched sports growing up.
So I never interesting watch Shane is a maniac with sports, right?
Yeah Yeah, I try I've literally tried for like conversation sake to like get into it.I just and I don't give a fuck
It would take hours to like, it's so much, and I've tried doing like, I'll watch like the clips and highlights and still, I don't care.
Yeah, I don't know, I guess I love sports, but I don't like UFC or the cars, I don't know anything about that.So like some, in some ways I'm a guy, in some ways I'm a woman.
Yeah, I'm a total woman.I'm a total woman.Let me start it.Oh, yeah.Beautiful.
Yeah, I'm a dude.We're in, bro.
I'm an absolute total woman when it comes to sports.
Yeah, I don't know.I wish, like, because, you know, I feel like, you know, like, like my dad.
Oh, Chris DiStefano, by the way.Sorry.Chris DiStefano.
What's up, baby?I'm here.By the way, I'm here with hungover with no hair product in.So if anyone's going to talk shit about my about my hair, you go fuck yourself.I'm growing it out, scumbags, because I know what your fans are going to say.
They're not going to say anything. They're not going to talk about your hair.
They're going to say, they're going to come on here.Your fans are going to say, how could he be so disrespectful?He comes on no hair product in a Zara t-shirt.What kind of guy does he think he is?
And I just want to say, you know what guys, I don't give a fuck.Also, thank you for coming early in the morning.Bro, I'm here, but we're dads.
Not a lot of comics exist before noon.
Bro, we're up, bro.We're up, we're hanging out.I mean, like, I gotta, you know, I'm on New York time.My kids get up at, you know, what are we, an hour behind here?So I'm up FaceTiming with the kids at 6 a.m., getting yelled at by them, their mother.
So I was up ready to go.The road FaceTime's tough, bro.It's tough.
You cry on FaceTime, your wife's like, I need to go, and you're like...
Yeah, hope you're having fun in your hotel room.Relaxing.You just masturbated.Yeah.I'm like, Oh God, I know.My daughters keep, keep talking, keep calling.I'm like, I'm almost done.
You have a little window.
You're like, Oh, what's going on?Dude.It's, but it's, I gotta be honest with you.It's horrible here.There's, you can't watch porn.It's like blocked in Texas. So I'm like, dude, yesterday I was jerking off to old sports center clubs.
They used to have some hotties on old sports center.I've got like Linda Cohen, old Linda Cohen.
You gotta get creative here.So what do you do?How do you get around it?Dude, it's funny.I mean, this just testifies to the theory that I'm mostly woman, just erotic literature.I'll read erotic literature online.I like that.
Build a picture up in my head.Or you can bust out the old porn sites.
yeah like xn xx so those aren't blocked they're not blocked yeah that's funny that they don't the texas doesn't even know that those exist just the main one yeah it just blocks just that's like my when i grew up my parents blocked all the music music channels but not bet because they didn't know it was a thing right so i had bet yeah right so the only music channel you could do now i have a black wife dude
Dude, the thing they were trying to prevent, they created.And so, but wait, so did you grow up like hardcore, like rules, discipline type family?Oh yeah, big time.Like military?
No, no, no.My parents, my dad and his brothers owned a trash company. But it was still like Irish Catholic super like church every Sunday right can't talk back right see not heard all that stuff Do you do church still with your kids?No?
I wanted I want to go my wife grew up more like Baptist sure so and I grew up in the Catholic Church, right?I'm like I told her like pick a church I'll go to everyone you pick then I go to black church, and I'm always kind of like yeah, it's great.
It's fun, but I just feel like an interloper, dude, when I'm there.I feel like they can't go... I don't know, I feel like I'm kind of like a wet blanket on the party.
Yeah, they're kind of like, we're accepting of you here, but we actually really don't want you here.
It could just be internally, because everyone... They're kind of like saying, like, we actually come to church because of what your people did to our people, so now the fact that you're here, it just kind of sucks for us.
And I get that feeling, and I feel bad the whole time. Yeah.And then I'm like stiff because I'm holding down like Roman Catholic, like Roman soldiers.
Straight.Yeah.With my head stoic as hell and like they're having fun and I'm like trying to move my just fucking petrified body and it's just, it's uncomfortable.But I told my wife, I was like, just pick a place, I'll go.
And you'll go.Yeah.I always say like, I'm Catholic as well.That's why we got the big triceps dude, pushing down the gate, pushing it down.And I've been like this since I'm a kid.
Do you put, do you put your butt on the kneel?
Like when you kneel down, do you put your butt on the pew? No, so that was a big rule my mother had.That was one of the most disrespectful things you could ever do in the presence of God, is put your ass on that.
You gotta be full kneeled up, butt tight, wedgie in the khakis.You gotta be straight up.And if I ever lean back and put my butt back, my mother would point at me and yell, and I would have to get up.
I still get nervous.As an adult, I'll go with my family every now and again, with my mom.And if I see my wife hit her ass in the pew, and I was like 35, I'm like, get the fuck out. Yeah, what are you doing?I get nervous.
I'm like, get your fucking ass off me.
Yeah, you can't do it.I mean, listen, there's rules in our church.My family's Puerto Rican, so they're similar.They're more not Baptist.It's like, I think it's... Is it the Church of Latter-day Saints?I don't know what kind of school... Episcopalian?
I don't know, dude.It's one of those, yeah.They're always talking in Spanish. I don't know what they're saying.I just know that their kind of church, when you walk in there, you literally think you're at a Kill Tony show.
You're like, the band's playing, there's StubHub tickets, everyone's in a wheelchair, and you're just like, what is happening?I almost feel like I need tickets to get into her church.
What I've been trying to tell my kids is like, listen, this whole idea of like, if we don't, my mom had it where if you do not go to church every Sunday or Saturday, five o'clock mass, you're doing bad.
You're going to hell, sinning, blah, blah, blah.So I don't do that with my kids.I'm just like, look, we're gonna make an attempt to go to church here every week.
And if we can go, I'm like, I'm just trying to get us to a place where we're not on our devices.We're not on our phones, you're not on your iPad. that's it.Mommy's off the spin bike."And then we're all just, let's go to church together.
And I will say that when my family's in church, they are calmer.They are... Everyone... Spirituality, I'm not saying whatever religion you gotta be, obviously, except don't be the big one, Muslim.
That's true, be careful though if you're Muslim, because you can get hyped up.If you hear the wrong sermon, next thing you know, dude, you're flying on a plane.
Yeah, exactly.Dude, there's no problems with being Muslim at all, but you can't, like, don't go all the way, you know what I mean?But you want to go a little bit?You want to fucking get in there, dip in, dip out?Beautiful, dude.
What a beautiful culture.
And a corrective measure for your wife.If you want to use it to completely dom your wife, I give that to you.
Have her cover up.40 chest, yeah.
Love it.Yeah, because, dude, these, but Muslim women, dude, when they, I don't know if, I mean, when they take that shit off, I mean, the beauty is next level, dude.They're like, they look Latina to me.They're Latina with hummus.Yeah, true.
Yeah, they're hummus Latinas.And I love them.Yeah, they're beautiful babes. Yeah, dude, I love babes.Austin has got so many.It's crazy.
What we've seen, what Steve, my tour manager, Steve Cicconi-Riceroni, is here in the background, and him and I have been walking around, and Steve's a horny, horny guy. Yeah.Steve's like a horny guy.I thought that when I met him.
Dude, Steve's the kind of guy, he lives above his mom's garage in like Long Island.Like Steve's a guy that like he needs to fuck and he wants to jerk off and it's like, and I don't, I allow it.I'm like, do whatever you want to do.
You know, his hair's blown in the wind in the back of his hat.Like this guy needs to bang. And dude, and he's actually telling me that it's like hard to take for him.Like he's getting like, cause it's so much and it gets agitating.
And for me as well, it's like, you don't know what to do, what to say.Cause a woman walks by and you're like, I know I have a family, but I'm willing to throw it away.Just have a conversation with her because in the moment I'm only alive once.
And this is what I need to do.I'm a man.I need to do this.This is what my father wants me to do.I have to be, I have to honor our family name.And then you're about to go walk and talk to her.And then you see another one and it just keeps happening.
And you don't know what to do.And they're not wearing bras.No, they're not wearing bras.And I've seen the outline of 100 women's vaginas in this city.I've been here for two days.Steve and I have seen 100 pussies.
Steve, I'm sorry you're suffering like that, dude.
Obviously, you're just chilling, just being like a rock, just being like Steve, dude.
Come on, man.Dude, Steve's one of these guys, he's like very punctual, always on time for everything.The last two days, dude, he's been late, sprinting out of the hotel room, hair soaking wet, and I know he was cranking it. He's having an episode?
Yeah, dude, he's been going, because this city, I mean, men and women, I mean, talk about a city like Austin.Some of the most beautiful, we went to the gym yesterday and we saw five of the most beautiful women we've ever seen in our entire life.
I mean, jacked, ripped, tip top shape.And the guys, like me and him were almost like falling off the elliptical, which is like, again, we go to the women's parts of the gym, we're on the elliptical protecting our knees.
You gotta protect the joints, man, you don't need to wear a tear.
But these guys who were doing like the real guy shit, you know, ball slams and you know, all that, they are not even phased by this because I guess it just becomes a part of what it is in the city is beautiful.
Even you, dude, you, you, you were walking, you're like all jacked up now where, when I saw you when you were living in Philly, dude, you look like Stephen Hawking.
I was just slumped up.Dude, you were slumped up, but now you're like pumped.Beautiful babes get you pumped, man.Dude, you've been lifting definitely.I've been lifting a lot, yeah.I've been lifting a lot.
Creatine?You doing a little creatine?A little bit.A little bit, right?A little bit of creatine.Did you get any, like, do you get any puffiness, or is it just pretty much jacked?
I'm pretty puffy.I'm a pretty puffy dude.I was puffy before the creatine.No, but you look, but I could tell- I did get jacked up.I came down here, I didn't know what to do with myself.
Whenever I get, like, nervous or overwhelmed, I just start, like, lifting weights. Where do you lift in your house?I have an apartment I use as an office, so I go there to write and I get out of my house and I have a gym attached to the apartment.
By the way, that's the move, is even if you're in a, obviously you love your wife, you're a committed guy, as men we do need a separate apartment.You do. I just need a separate apartment.Maybe it's my office.
Maybe it's just a place that I just need to go and just sit in.Take naps.But I do need a place where I need to leave this house, because our jobs doesn't require us to leave.
You could write and do it in the house.The debate it took to get that.She's like, we have an office in the house.I'm like, I need to get out of here.Every five minutes.The landscaper's here.I'm like, dude, dude.I'm like, yeah.
So I did it in Philly too. Get an apartment, it's so... And everyone's gone while you're there.Everyone's at work, so it's quiet.
And you actually get writing done.My family and my girl let me have the same thing, apartment.The only thing is she's got the baby cam that we used to use for our toddler.She's got it in my apartment on me at all times.
That's the only thing.It does sound like a smash bag.
It does, but I'm like, it's not.I swear to God, I'm just trying to write about history in there.Exactly. I'm literally watching documentaries on General McClellan, and she thinks I'm banging women.
I swear to God, I'm watching fucking Ken Burns documentaries about the Civil War.That's all I'm doing.And it's quiet.Yeah, and you don't need... I think people take that for granted.You need some separation.
Even now, I really hate being away from my kids.I miss them so much.But when I'm away from them for a few days, I just feel like I come back, and I'm just like a recharged, better dad. I'm talking to my kids about little things I learned.
Because I'm like, if you just sit in that situation, I don't know, you just start to take for granted what you have.And then when I leave, I'm like, dude, what a fucking life I have.I have beautiful kids or whatever.
I got Steve on the road getting horny.I'm like, what a life, dude.But if you just sit in your circumstances, then it starts to become, you start to normalize things.
And then you start to say, you start to think what you have isn't that good when it's actually all you've ever dreamed of.
Yeah, it's true, man.I was standing outside today, and I saw this homeless lady just chilling outside, and she was inspecting the trash cans.And I'm chilling there, just watching her.
And I'm like, damn, dude, this lady, no one's given this lady a hug in so long.Did you go up and do it?I thought about it.I said, I gave her a really friendly good morning.I said, good morning, ma'am.And she just kind of looked at me.That's nice.
And it was cool, too, because I'd never seen, like, she was quiet, and she was looking through the trash.And then I watched her get activated, where out of nowhere, she was just like, and started like screaming.
I've never seen, like, she was so chill.And something happened where it was like, boom, and it snapped, and she just started yelling at somebody and just walked across the street.
Yeah, the homeless here are wild, you know, like they're on some type of crank or whatever, rolling around in the streets.
I've actually never seen anything like it, but I will say they're not as aggressive as the homeless, and believe it or not, in Glasgow, Scotland, Glasgow, Scotland, dude, me and the guy I work with, James Mattern, shout out James Mattern.
He's a horny dude.He's a horny dude.He's a horny dude.He's got, he's got a hairy back.He's like a horny fucking hairy back.Yeah, dude, but he's a horny guy and he's got big dick.That dude late.
The one dangerous combo used to call it on my old pod history.I ain't as honest.We used to call it the glue gun.This kid had a glue gun.Like you could see it through his jeans and it was like nuts.Really?Kids got absolute peace.
I've heard they're lazy lovers though.
Big dick men I've heard are very lazy lovers.
You know what it is?He doesn't know who his real father is.So I think that yeah, I think he's charged up and and he's he's he's raised by his grandparents.
So he's got like a lot of I think he just tries to he's basically fucking women to try to find his father.
Yeah, it's kind of wild if you're raised by your grandparents.It's kind of like you're like kind of wild at that point.
But dude, we're out there and we went to this bakery in Glasgow.I wanted to go to this specific bakery.I forgot what it was called, but they had like this kind of carrot cake, like muffin.I was like, I gotta get this muffin.
And we saw this homeless lady walking around.She was, you know, could fully see, but she had a blind stick.So she must've like taken it from an actual homeless, actual blind person.
And she's walking around with this stick, like hitting it off the wall.And then we're like, what, this lady's fucking nuts.So I'm just standing out there, like eating it, whatever.
Dude, she takes the carrot cake out of my hand and smashes it in her face. and swings the stick at me.I was like, whoa!Oh my God, dude, me and him, we're sprinting down the street. I was like, ladies, nuts.
So when I saw that, I was like, yo, when people ask me, where's the craziest homeless people?I'm like, believe it or not, dude, it's Glasgow, Scotland.I've never seen anything like that.That's such a wild assault.
Just crushing it into your own face.
And then swung this walking stick at me that she didn't even need.And then she screamed something in like Gaelic or whatever Scottish Highland language, fairy language they're speaking at somebody else.And nobody even kind of moved.
Everyone was kind of like, oh yeah, that's just crazy Susan. You should have grabbed the staff.
I know.Yeah.Yeah, that's it.I guess I would have been scared of that situation.
Dude, I saw the only time I've ever seen.So what I will say about New York, though, because people, you know, shit on New York.Oh, it's not safe anymore.And there's right.I lived in New York.I've lived there my whole life.I never once.
Not one time in my 39 years of living did I ever get even approached by a homeless person, or a crazy... They're very subdued, yeah.Didn't happen.
But the last six... Dude, in the last six months, walking down McDougall Street, you know, like West Village, whatever, I've been...
I've had three homeless people that I have to, one guy, and I never had to do, I had to do this one time in my life, and it was recently, I had to push him off me, because he was like going like in my, I pushed him off me and he fell over a pile of garbage.
Yeah, and his fucking elbow landed in like a disgusting puddle, and I kind of felt bad, but I was like, what did you want me to do here?
Yeah, why was he getting in your face?
because they're crazy, they're like out of control and the police can't really arrest them, they can't do anything.One of my boys, all my boys are cops, one of my boys, I told him about the story and he goes, do you want to take my baton with you?
I was like, that'd be fucking crazy.If I just start beating back homeless people with a licensed NYPD baton. How'd it feel, though, when he gave the fucking push?
Dude, I gotta be honest with you, the way that I, because I have a bad Achilles, but the way I was able to just kind of load my weight on the back and push, I kind of told my therapist, like, I think we're out of the woods here.
I think my Achilles is good.
I just launched a homeless guy into oncoming traffic, and I felt almost no pain in the Achilles.Yeah, you need that, dude.
I'm telling you, that's all I've been doing recently is just fantasizing about just combat.Right.Because it's like there's nothing left for me to do.I went to ACL with my whole family, the Austin City Limits Tour.
It fucking sucked, by the way.I hated it.But I was there the whole time and all I wanted to do was just fight like a 24 year old.
Right.Just a man.Are you into the UFC?Like, can you do a little fighting?Can you handle yourself?
I did do jiu-jitsu for like six months when I was going through a divorce, which was pretty sick.Right.Oh, this is your second wife?It's my second marriage, yeah.
I didn't know that.Was the first wife black as well?Yes.No, there you go.Yes, back to back.
But this wife is the mother, you didn't have children with the other wife, so I've never met the other, you're a current wife, that's the mother of your children, okay, she's great, yeah.So how long did the first marriage last?
About like three years.Three years, and then what happened?Short, in and out.Just got crazy?My heart wasn't in it, yeah.Your heart wasn't in it?My heart wasn't in it.So she wanted to stay, but you wanted to leave.Yeah, unfortunately.
See, when that happens, that's a very difficult thing for the man to go through, because when the woman- Statistically, it doesn't happen a lot either, which for the theory that I have a woman brain, most women initiate divorce, I think like 75%.
That's what I'm saying.It's almost impossible.If the woman doesn't want it, then it's like, you know, there's nothing you can do.But once the woman says it's over, that's it, buddy.There's an absolutely zero, you can do nothing.
If you're a woman, if your wife comes to you, you know, fans listening at home, and she says it's over, just don't even attempt, don't even attempt to fuck, she's, by the way, she's been, she's moved on with another guy secretly for six months ago.
So just know it's over, please don't even try.
Yeah, or what you can do is get back, start like a viral business TikTok and just do numbers and just absolutely crush her.
100% dude.That's all you can do.When you told, how did you tell the first wife, like it's over?
It had been in conversation here and there and then eventually like, I just kind of reached like a breaking point myself.It was just me, I just entered into a relationship.
When you said, you go, what was her name? I can't say that.As soon as I said that, I was like, don't say anything.And then I was like, yeah, so you're like, you're like, uh, I just wasn't ready.
It was like, I still wanted to do standup.And then it was like, um, I was being pulled into like, it was just over like the tomb in front of the boulder.Like you got to enter the corporate world or whatever.
I couldn't do it.And then I had to just go off.She goes, you must be out your goddamn mind.Yeah.
No, they were like, her and her mother were really trying.I tried.It was like kind of laughable.I believe it.I became like a personal trainer at LA Fitness for three weeks.
Walked out in the middle of the session.Dude, that's what black women want.That's what they want in their white husbands is he needs to be a trainer at Planet Fitness.Oh, LA Fitness.Planet Fitness would be sick.
But yeah, I just, I really tried it.For me, I'd never ever been in a relationship before that where I put any effort or cared at all.So that was like a learning experience.Like, oh, okay.Like, yeah, I'm dealing with other human beings.
I'm not like, this isn't like a simulation.
The way you and your current wife are is really beautiful and you love each other.Because when I was hanging out with you guys, with my girl, I got yelled at when we got back in the hotel because I don't treat her the way you treat your wife.
He was like, she was like, you see how nice he's been?You see how in love they are?You see how they have.What was she going off of though?
I don't know just I guess she saw you guys make eye contact once yeah I wasn't even next that's a lot of that too is women I've noticed that and I've asked my wife I'm like we're standing there and they go give me a kiss when we're in a crowded place I'm like what the fuck is that yeah you're not that's not for like me or you you're doing that for something else yeah well she's doing that to peacock because she thinks other girls are looking at you she's like so this is this is my yes it's my guy he's a trainer at LA Fitness
Former, yeah, former.Former, dude.Former.I always wondered about that, because they are comparing a lot.I wasn't really affectionate towards my wife that night at all.I was doing it on purpose.I wanted to come off cool.
I think, well, no, but even I noticed.I was like, oh, these two are in love.Yeah, yeah.You could feel that.You could feel like this wife is going to be a forever one.
God forbid.Yeah, that would be, or God willing.Yes.Or killing.Dude, honestly, I would rather get broken up with than initiate the breakup.
Oh my god, initiating the breakup's the worst.
All the guilt and the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you have to be, you have to just deal with it.I really think it's like, I mean it's like killing them.
Sure.It's like you're killing a person on a level where you're just like, we're now
And was she like begging you, like, please, like, don't do this type thing?
Nah, it wasn't like that.It was just sad, dude.It was just so sad.Because I had my mind made up and there was nothing I could do.
It was just so sad.You get to a point where you're just like, well, now I've reached the deep, I'm off the other side of the fucking deep end and there's no coming back.
When you know, you know.That was all, for relationships for me, it's like I would just try desperately just to get posted.That's all I wanted to do.
And then next thing you know, it's like, okay, now my life's conjoined to this person.And then I would just try to figure out how to get out of it the whole time.
Like yeah, then I got married and I was like, oh shit And then it became this whole thing and I got to like finally live with a woman and really like yeah see them Yeah, they were just kind of like you'd get a girlfriend and they would just materialize.
Yeah, you're younger You're like, oh sweet.We're at the movies and you'd be like, yeah, I try to get some pussy Yeah, then you started like when your life's conjoined with a woman for me.
It was such a learning experience Okay, like you guys have this whole wide range of emotions and you know, that was I
Dude, I was reading about, and that's all societal, too.I was reading about, what the hell was, was it the Aardvark?It's not the Aardvark Native Americans.Aardvark's an animal.But it's something like that.
It's something like Aardvark tribe or something like that, where they were like an old school tribe.I think they still might be around today, but when they were 1800s, and their whole belief system
was so opposite of what was going on at, you know, like the European settlers, they were like, you know, they thought it was crazy, men and women, to marry one person and to only raise your own children.That was like a foreign concept to them.
They're like, no, no, what we do, what the women do here is the men fight for who's the strongest guy, and then they get to fuck the strongest woman, and then they fuck, and that one gets pregnant, so she goes away, and then the next one steps up, and you keep fighting, and then they just-
And then you impregnate them, right?And then here's how it works.Are the women fighting too, or are they doing really strong?No, no, the women are just there.
The women are just there.How are they gauging their strength?
I guess just like- I guess the men are fighting and doing all types of things, but then like, oh, I guess, I mean, I'm sure it's just who's the hottest.Yeah, it's just hottest.The guys are just like, that one, who's got the biggest tits?
That's just all it is.Strong tits.Yeah, so like when you get all the way down the list, you're like, fuck, what am I even fighting for over this pig? But so the guys would fight, whatever, and then here's the interesting thing.
Number one, have the baby, and then that baby, it's not your and hers baby.You created that baby together, but it's for the village, and the village raises it.It takes a village, whatever it's called.
So monogamy, not only do they not believe in it, they think it's actually bad for society.They're like, why would you do that?
And then, with abortion and stuff like that, it's obviously a thing, big debate, whatever, and guilt, and I get why, of course. this culture, if they, if you say you impregnated like the top lady, right?
And then she's pregnant and she's watching you over the next few months and she's like, this guy's actually weak.He's not as strong as I thought.They had this potion of herbs and spices.They would abort the baby.Yeah, dude, they would abort it.
And it was like, it was not even shameful.The guy was shamed on like you, you did that motherfucker.Yeah.
Oh, so he re- that's fucking- Yeah, dude.Abortions are kind of guy's fault, too.
Yeah, still to this day, it's kind of like, yo, bro.
You should've, like, lifted a log in front of her.
Yeah, dude.Are you sure you want to fucking do this? I've been on the sidelines for a couple of them.I'm like, dude, this is me.This is me.This is my fault.My bad, dude.I should be stronger.Yeah, I should have.
If you saw your wife or the lady, I guess, just sipping the potion, I'd be like, oh, what did I do?I'm such a fucking little bitch.Yeah.I wonder if you could, so can you enter back?
Do you have to wait until the pregnancy to enter back into combat or can you just enter back into the ring?
So that I don't know.I got to do more research because I kind of just read that point and then I just put the book down.I was like, I got to find this tribe.This tribe is still active.You should go.
This is where I got to be.You should go there.And then, you know, when you're there, be like, dude, what the fuck I had it.I mean, I got it.You know, I can't like other myself from the culture.
Yeah, dude, I gotta follow the lead.But like, because when you start to look back in history, it's like this whole idea of like, no, I get why monogamy is a big, I get it, I really do understand.
But I'm like, oh shit, it's just like the pressure that society puts on you in our, you know, we got puritanical society here.Like, you know, those pilgrims were kind of, you know, zealots, witchcraft, all that shit.
But like, you go to Europe, dude, if you go to Europe and you're in Italy or Spain or whatever, and you just like,
one of you like bang another person, it's like not, it's like they'll be mad at you, your spouse, but you're not gonna get like, you're not gonna lose your marriage.You only lose your marriage if you fall in love with another person.
But like, you can definitely go out and bang.That's like not a big problem.It's not a great thing, but I don't think it's like, it's like you go in a strip club with your boys.Like your wife would be like, what the fuck are you doing?
Same thing with banging a chick.They're like, what, are you serious, dude?Don't do that, you asshole.But if you're in love or they find texts, like that's the bigger deal.
The emotional affair, yeah, if you're like, I love you so much.I knew someone who got caught sending Beach Boys lyrics to their lover.It's over, bro.
Yeah, I was sending Hall & Oates songs to this girl.I was like, you're out of touch, we're out of time.And then my girl's like, dude, you have to move out.
yeah they sent wouldn't it be nice lyrics it's like dude you're fried i know man it's it is yeah i think about a lot especially once you like because when i was younger i'd always be like you'd hear about a guy like a pizza shop owner would just like bang a cashier sure you're like how the fuck could somebody do that as you get older you're like the current of that river is pretty strong
You give your toe into that a little bit, dude.I'm like, I see how you get carried off.
Yeah, you get it.Bro, I got a friend who's a doctor and he's happily married, great guy, whatever.
But he was like, dude, the amount of doctors that bang the nurses on these overnight shifts, he's like, it's literally like, it's the most stereotypical thing.
Like the nurses know these guys are married or whatever, but it's like, and it's always the same thing.It's the male doctor and the female nurse and they just fuck.And he was like, I think it's because, he's like, it's one of those things where
Like, you know, we're around so much death in the hospital that I think, you know, somebody dies, something tragic happens, and then your body, you start to get horny, because your body is like, oh, oh, I just saw death, let me create life, type thing.
He's like, so I kind of don't even, I get it.
And doctors are, they're like a sexual fantasy for women.There was like ER, they're like one of the things, there's like firefighters, doctors.That's like one of the things women see and get horny for.And they're like the boss in the thing.
Dude, my boy, the doctor, he looks like a golf club.He literally, his head is all fucked up.He's got eyes that are like that.He looks sick, but every girl is like, I love, he's so hot.Oh yeah.
Yeah, because he's a doctor.Dude, I feel, I've been in hospitals before. Just like when people are sick and I'm kind of like, dude, I get, I feel the tension.I'm like, damn, this is a very sensitive time.
And there's a bunch of nasty nurses running around.
Dude, I remember my grandfather like, you know, passed away, he had a stroke and his nurse, she was like, you know, you know, Latina kind of, you know, she wasn't like a smoke show, but she was hot enough.And just cause she was caring for him.
I remember I went in there one day and they were scrubbing him down.He just like shit his pants and they're scrubbing him down.I was getting fucking horny while this nurse was just scrubbing down my grandfather's bare ass.
I was like, oh shit, I love this. Just because I don't know what it was.I was like, she's a caretaker.I want her to scrub my nuts.
Yeah, there is something about that.When the nurse comes in, they're really sweet.They are like, that does get a guy like me as well.
Teachers.Just like women that care.You're just like, oh man, I want that.But then our minds go to these fantasies.And then you create these fantasies with other ladies.Like, oh, my life will be like this.
I just want a lady to cook for me wearing an Eli Manning jersey and making me pasta every weekend. Just kinda just sucking my dick and just letting me watch the game.I'm like, can't I have that?Man, I'm only gonna live once.
And my dad's like, are you stupid, asshole?Yeah, I know.Yeah.
Yeah, you can't, dude.And then also, too, the fantasy never matches.
It's always as soon as, you know.Eventually, it's gonna be, that's just a lady bristling, just like, what?
And you prepare for it now, because my father did give me good advice.He was like, well, let me tell you something.He goes, I, you know, when you, when we're out, he was like, you know, my dad's 76 now.Yeah, hell yeah.Best year, dude.
By the way, every single passcode on my door, phone, any four-digit code is 1776.That's just how I roll.
I know someone who has their door code.
So if you ever want to rob anything from me, just know, go 1776.And then if that doesn't work, it's 1812.
War of 1812, baby.Well, it's sick, too, when someone's like, yeah, what's your door code?And you're like, 1776, obviously.
Yeah, I'm not a communist, bro.Yeah, and every passcode is like, you know, Baseball USA.Yeah, Hot Dogs United States.
So what was the advice your father gave you?
So my father, he said to me, he goes, he was like, you know, he's like, when you, you know, as you get older, he was like, your brain doesn't change, your body changes.
So he was like, when you and I are standing in the video store, this is an old example, it was, it was like, okay, we haven't done that in years.He's like, when we stand in the video store, he goes, and you see that hot,
25-year-old girl walking in, he goes, the same way your brain says, I'd love to bang that girl, I think I got a shot, so does mine.He goes, my brain hasn't changed from the 25-year-old man I used to be.
He goes, but then I look in the mirror and I see what I've become. He goes, and it really messes with you.
He goes, so just don't, don't think, so his point was, he was like, you know, right now, he's like, I'm 75, I have diabetes, and I basically, I have a useless dick.My dick doesn't work at all anymore.
He's like, I haven't banged your stepmother in 20 years.I'm like, great. Yeah, so he's like, but no, my brain has not changed at all.So you have to prepare that this struggle that you're going through, this will not stop.
Your brain doesn't get, every old guy you see out there, they want to bang the young women, they just can't.So you have to just accept what it is, and this is like what kind of your sentence is of being a man through this world.
You have to practice not getting pussy, almost in a Buddhist type of way.It's also one of those things that will fade, so you do have to prepare for it.
I know my guy, who I work with a lot, is a very zen guy.He was like, listen dude, you're going to be away for a week.I'm telling you, try not to masturbate.Just try to channel all that energy.I know you're going to be alone, it's hard.
I was like, you know what?I'm going to do it.I swear to God, I'm going to do it. I walked through the airport, the Austin airport, and I saw five pussies in Lululemon pants.
I saw the outline of five full vaginas, and I jerked off at the reception desk.I checked in and just started cranking it.
Camel toe is crazy.I was talking to my wife about it recently because she was going out in the exercise gear.She was like, did these look right?
And I was just kind of like, yeah, I mean, you don't have to hike them up your pussy, pull them down a little bit.Yeah.But she's like, well, I don't even care about that.I don't think about that.I'm like, people think about that.
That's like, I see those and it fucks me up for like four minutes.I'm kind of like, fuck. I see nipples emerging and like a pussy print or butt cheeks.
And the ass.It's crazy, dude.And I'm telling you, dude, I'm not gay, but the men too.Like their legs that they have on these guys with the tattoos on the quads.I'm like, I get it, fellas.It's crazy.Let's hang out.
Just running by a river shirtless.
Yeah, we don't got to like do anything gay, but you want to get a coffee or something.Yeah, just talk.Yeah, dude.Just talk. I was asking random guys, do you want to come to my pod tomorrow?Just shoot the shit?
Yeah, it really is like beautiful men and women.A bunch of colleges.I think there's like a bazillion, like five different colleges.
There are, even though I've said it, I've made it clear that I thrive in the original 13 colonies and that's where I want to be comedically in my life.I will say there's way more beautiful people as you start to come West.
The original 13 colonies were not the hottest. You know, we're not, we got some hotties.We definitely have some hotties.
Well, didn't they like send out like the people who were like the first wave of just like prisoners and peasants, they like shipped out here against their will of Europeans.
I didn't know that.Yeah.So they would just take like prisoners from England and just like people who were fucking up and be like, yo, you're going.And then they came out here, they promised them like, we'll get you a wife.
We'll like whole new, you know, new, you know, new man, new you.And then they just started sending out like whores.They would like arrest women for prostitution. and throw them out and send them out here and be like, these are your wives.
And half of them will like die.You just get like a skeletor off the boat.Just disgusting.And the dudes were pissed.They're like, don't give us fucking whores.We want like we want, you know, mom and apple pie.
So, yeah, it was just like criminals.And they just had people till the land and just die.Yeah.Like two generations.
Dude, I read this book.It was called Island in the Center of the World.It was about New York City, because before the British, when it was just the Dutch.This author, Russell Shorto.Great.
It's an amazing read, because we only know, even me in school, I've only really learned about what British society was like.But dude, Dutch society?
New York, well, they called it New Amsterdam, Dutch society, they were like in the 1600s, they were as woke as we are now.Dude, they had fucking no slaves.Everybody was out there fucking everybody.
They were having parties, dancing in the streets, like a beautiful type of culture.And then the British came in and were like, you know, rules, like shit got puritanical quick.
and kind of like lost the fun, but the whole idea, but this idea of like America, like originally was this Amsterdam idea of like, this is the place, like they wanted New York to be like Amsterdam, like smoke weed, prostitutes everywhere.
Just chill, dude.And they wanted that to spread across the country, but instead they got the British idea.That British law and order.
New York was too valuable.All right on the sea, right?Yeah.
So you just, you know, dude, tonight you just look at your wife and say, why don't we, why don't we be Amsterdam tonight?Instead of, dude, let me get freaky.
Yeah.Well, here's the thing, going to what your dad said, there is something too, like you have to, by default, it's like, I'm going to build up this program of like seeking pleasure.
It's like, I'm going to, I'm going to get like, I'm gonna get pussy.I'm going to do this.This is going to be awesome.Like your dad's saying that fades physically.
You have to build a bank of like non bodily pleasure.Yeah.And if you just fucking, if you just fuck your way through life, you just destroy everything and you're left just like dickless.Dickless at the end.Dickless and alone.We're all dickless.
We're all going to be dickless.You got to build up like a, Nicholas safety plan where you start to enjoy walks, people in your life.It just sucks doing that because you just want to cum really hard.
That's all I want to do.I take, especially with kids, 14, 9, and 3.So 3 is like crazy.She's the cutest, but it's like a legitimate lunatic terrorist person.
But so what I do now, and my dad gave me this advice, he was like, life isn't for you now, it's gonna be about little breaks.You're not gonna get an hour long break, most likely.That's just not gonna happen.What you gotta do is five seconds.
He said, so when your three-year-old, your daughter, she doesn't wanna get in the car seat, you gotta fucking jam her in there.I'm like, basically, I'm putting in jujitsu moves just to get the safety belt on and the three-point harness.
And so I do, and he was like, and then you shut that door, Don't just run around and go right into the driver's seat.Take a nice 10-second walk around the car.You have 10 seconds alone.
Take a breath, take five breaths, and then get in the car and drive.Like little resets.And dude, that's like the game changer, where I just take these little... Because the bottom line is there's times where I can't meditate.
I can't just sit there 20 minutes in the sauna meditating, because I'm just going to jerk off.I'm just going to break it. and just start jerking off.
So instead what I do is I say, you know what, let me try to take an hour a day, if I can, an hour a day just off my device.Just like go for a walk, just do something, and like that's what I'm counting as meditation.
Because to just sit there for 20 minutes with my eyes closed, I literally will just start jerking off and I can't do it.And then it defeats the purpose.Or at least this way without, because I'm reading all these studies now where it's like,
We're constantly excited from the phone, to the screen, to this, to that, to the kids, to the life.But like older people, like they had long bouts of like no stimulation, like get bored.It's like, go get bored somewhere.
And that's kind of how I think about it.
So your brain, so there is a thing called EEG habituation.
So like, you know, if it's like a naked lady walked in here, our brain waves would be, but if it happened every 10 seconds or literally your brain habituates to that stimuli, so then you're just like, it's nothing to you anymore.
So that, they say meditators have, like long-term meditators do have, it's almost like childlike EEG habituation where they can see a tree and it's like that, like a kid looking at it like, whoa.
But if you're just kind of just like jamming shit in your face all the time, nothing will excite you.Do you meditate?I try.I used to be really good at doing it and like really like good about doing it.
And then, yeah, I just completely, I would always be like, I don't give out.People say they can't like sit down and just meditate.Now I've hit a place where I can't do it again.I don't know what happened. And I sit down and I start to freak out.
I'm like, I gotta do this.I'm trying to start now doing it again.Are they in school now, your kids?Yeah, the one is a four-year-old's in pre-K, and the two-year-old is like, she goes like two days a week.
So I'm saying you have a couple days a week where like you and your wife like don't have the kids for six hours.We have a babysitter come.Oh, so you've got some time.Yeah.
That's good.I have time to work, but then I have to just get so much stuff done.
But I've been trying to, the walk is good for me too.If I do a nice long walk, it's like, I think that counts.
It does, it definitely does.But it's like one of those things, it's like, you just feel gay as a guy going for a walk.You know, like just, I kind of always just feel gay too.
Like when I'm pushing my kid in a stroller, I'm like, dude, just let me hold you.I know.Let me hold you like a football.Cause I just feel gay.I feel gay just like going for a walk.It's gay.And I wish it wasn't.I wish I felt like more.
And by the way, I'm not, I'm not even disparaging gay.I think being gay is powerful.But I guess I kind of just feel like more feminine.
I feel like you're appropriating gay culture by taking walks.
Yes, exactly.But I'm okay with that.I want the gays.I like taking walks.And you don't feel like less of a like a guy?
No, not walking.Walking you feel almost like a holy man.You feel very like blissful.And every great man would take a constitutional.That's true.So it's like it's par for the course.Keeping a journal.All the things you think are gay.Keeping a journal.
Not gay.Every great man kept a journal. And you take it constitutional.
Dude, even if you go back to the Founding Fathers, dude, you think throwing on a pair of pantyhose is gay?Look at our Founding Fathers.Dude, were they all cross-dressers?Go look at old pictures of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson.
They're in literally high-heeled shoes and pantyhose with wigs on.
These guys are my dream.They have those like thigh things.
Yeah, dude.Those were men, dude.They would put wigs on and pantyhose and high-heeled shoes and they'd be like, that's what we're going to do, bro.We're going to take over this goddamn country.
So for me, I look back at our fathers, and I'm like, dude, if they're doing it, let's get real, you know?
Yeah, taking walks definitely isn't gay.It's a shame that we've been made to believe it's gay.
Because they just want you on the device.Yeah, that's what it is.But then it's like, I do like to listen to music while I walk, because I've tried to just be like, no music, no nothing, and it's kind of like...
Sometimes we got to like really reconnect like I think sometimes for me to feel like I want to ride a horse You know, I just get on a horse and just fucking go down a path.That'd be nice.
That'd be sick.That'd be nice Yeah, hold your baby, too I feel you on the baby stroller cuz there is the part where it's like you feel like women see it and they're like Oh, that's so sweet.But then it's like anything they like is gay.
Yes I want to just like hold them by their foot like a dead chicken Yeah, like Achilles.
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I don't know, man.It's tricky, dude.It's very tricky.A lot of I see here more so.I think like young women might be just like feeding the life force from like homeless people and like dads here.A lot of the dads here present as gay.Sure.
And I think something happened where I think people of like men especially have reached like I feel like educated kind of men have reached inside themselves and killed this switch where they just become like.
It's weird, dude.It's like, dude, come on, man.Especially us as like, you know, like comedians, like our world is a little like, you know, the older school men are like, what do you do?
Like, they don't care how much money you're making or not making.They're like, what are you doing, dude?Go build something.Go like work.Go to a factory. And I feel like, cause you know, I'm not like a guy at all.
Like I said, I don't know my, I don't know how to build or do anything.
So there's a lot of times like my kids will like walk out the door of school and I'll, I just will lift up the hood of my car and even know what I'm looking at just so they can somewhat my daughters.And I'm just like, you know, have a good day girls.
And I'm, but I'm just, I'm kind of just like doing the Macarena.I'm just rolling my arms.I'm going like that.I don't even, I have no idea.
But anytime I see, even though it's weird, because it's actually our careers to kind of have this time and to create whatever.But when I go into a coffee shop at like 11 a.m.
on a Tuesday and I see a guy there on his laptop, I'm like, what the fuck are you doing, dude?Go to work. But meanwhile, I'm there to write in my laptop, but I'm mad at him.I'm like, dude, like you're, you're so lame.
Go, go to, you got to go to fucking work.That's why I like Chinese dudes.That's why, like, I, I talk about it on stage a lot.
It's like, you know, with play dates with kids, like I, I, my daughter like has a, there's a Chinese kid in her class and I love, I hang out with him and his family because like, first of all, I've never met his, every other parent is like available for a play date at 2pm.
The Chinese are not, they're working.Mom and dad work. and the grandparents watch the kids.That's just how the culture is.They're like, you're not, there's no work from home in China.There's no hybrid work.
They're like, no, you're going to go to work.We fucking, they lock their people in their houses with COVID.They don't give a fuck.
They have, now they have afterschool stuff for the kids because the parents work so long.My brother was telling me this, a lot of like the Indian and Chinese guys are out, families, mom and dad work super long hours.
So after they go to school, they got to go to an afterschool program where they continue to learn about like science and shit.And the parents come up back at like probably like six, 7 p.m.
Dude, this is what happened with the Nazis.You know, they were just fucking, you know, they just came out.School, school, school.School, building shit.Blitzkrieg came out in 1930s and just steamrolled motherfuckers.
And that's what's going to happen with China.They're the ones working.Everyone else is like having fun, having sex, getting STDs.And not the Chinese, dude. Yeah, I, I, we still will crush them.I think so.
I think we'll just stabilize.We can stabilize them.I think pretty easily.
Cause there's that whole like middle coastal, there's like the middle portion that are poor and peasants and the coastal elites and like, yeah, their whole history is that middle portion coming in, fucking people up, becoming the coastal elites and they just kind of go back.
That's what it is.Yeah.Chinese culture. Chinese history?
Not a lot.I've read about it, but it's still a mysterious land as far as I know.Oh, yeah, dude.
The Great Wall.Full of mysteries.Yeah.I can't even understand it when they tell me about it, how they just built a wall throughout the whole country.I'm like, why?It's so dumb.They'll just climb it.They'll probably shoot missiles over it.
Look, my chair just fell down.Look at this.Do you see this?My chair just fell down.The Chinese fucking remote controlling my chair.Hold on.
But yeah, I think we're like currently destabilizing Russia, and once we get done destabilizing Russia, we'll probably turn our sights on China.And that's the only other really like threat, powerful threat.
Right.Yeah.I mean, I guess, I guess, yeah, that seems like, yeah, because Iran, who cares?North Korea doesn't matter.Not a problem.
I've read, there's a good book called The Next Hundred Years by George Friedman, I forget the guy's name, but he like laid it out and he like, he wrote it in like the early 2000s and he was laying out like the, you know, Russia, Ukraine thing.
He was like making predictions like by before 2030, they have to go to war, they have to fight each other.Russia has to take back Ukraine, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah.What was his reasoning why they have to take back Ukraine?Because like they just need like a buffer.Like you can enter, you can just be right into Russia from like in all those other points because of those like NATO countries.Sure.
So you can just march right in.Ukraine, you can just kind of like, That's their one weak spot through you.
Because the other parts are kind of like hard to get into.Right.But that like if you leave whatever that big city is, Kiev, you can be in like one of the big cities.
So do you think Russia can be is going to be Ukraine?Like, I don't think so.You think Ukraine is just like a porcupine, like they're just.
I think in the book he was like, it's not even about winning wars.The United States just needs to destabilize any other power.You don't have to win the war.You have to fuck their economy up so bad that like it throws them off.
But it's gonna, that'll destabilize them for 20, 30 years, right?Like we're not gonna be able to go to Moscow as American citizens probably ever in our life.No, probably not.
And well, the problem is too, Russia is going through the population decline.That was a big thing in the book.Like this is their last time we'll have all these young men.It's gonna be a huge population dip.
So if we can kind of like fuck them up now, by 2050, they're not gonna have like enough young men.
So we're in the driver's seat big time.
Yeah, according to this guy.People would just say China's gonna take over, but he was like, Not not going to happen.He's like he he believes that Russia and China will collapse.And then 2030 will be like the 2030s onward.
It'll be it's kind of been right.He was like, the 2020s are going to be so tumultuous, like very bad.But then like after that, there's going to be a presidency around like 2030, 2034.
And they're really going to like, figure it out and unite us all new era of peace. Because his thing is that— God, I hope I'm still selling tickets then.I know.
That'd be awesome.What, what do you think, 2030?I'm fucking 40 now.It's 20— Oh, dude, I'm gonna be— I'm gonna suck.I'm gonna be like in my 50s.Imagine how fun that'll be, being 50 and you see like— Yeah, it's true.
—25-year-olds and you're like, shut the fuck up.
Fuck up, yeah, my dumb kids.Like, shut your mouth.Yeah. Oh God, I hope that happens.Yeah, because it does, I do feel, I do feel like sometimes somber.Like I'm like, man, like I romanticized like the late 90s and early 2000s.
Like, you know, obviously 9-11 was bad, but like, I don't know if you remember, like 2007, 2008 was awesome.It was amazing times.Everybody was having fun.
And now I'm just like, everywhere I look, I'm like, it doesn't seem like people are as happy as they were, certainly not as free as they were.And I'm just like, that's hopeful.The next hundred years, I'm going to get that book. It's pretty good.
It's really cool.They, uh, and the big thing too, they say like, these are just cycles, like every 50 years, it's like a 50 year cycle where like someone passes like a huge, like seminal policy.
Like, you know, I don't, I can't remember what I'm going to say.Like Roosevelt did that whole thing, whatever, whatever his big policy was to carry a big stick.Yeah.Whatever he did, but that'll solve a bunch of problems from the previous 50 years.
But then 50 years later, that policy will cause problems that it takes 50 years to figure out and solve. which then will solve those problems, air of peace, and that policy creates new problems.
It's just a never-ending cycle.
And if you guys want any chance to stop the cycle, do the right thing this November.Yeah, true.Where are you at in November?Come to Comedy On State in Madison, Wisconsin. Um, no, I know.Yeah.I, I don't, I don't know.
People are obviously all bent out of shape about who's going to be the president.I'm like, I don't know that it matters as much as you genuinely think.I think it matters just for like political unrest on people crying, whichever, whoever wins.
But I don't know.Has you, have you ever really genuinely felt a genuine difference?Whoever the president is?No, I've never felt it except for COVID.
When we got locked in and there were people being like, let people out versus let people in, that was the only time I've ever been like, but then you didn't have to do it.That was the other thing I told people.You didn't have to do it.
At least not in America.I mean, dude, remember like they were like, oh, you're going to need like a vaccine card like forever.I was like, no, I don't think you are.No, I had a fake one. Sure.It was easy.
Dude, there was a pizzeria in my neighborhood on 3rd Avenue in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, that was like literally, I swear, all you, like the people that knew knew.If you ordered, I think it was two pepperoni slices and garlic nuts come in six.
If you were like, oh, can I get two pepperoni slices and half an order of garlic nuts?And you kind of just like gave a look.
They knew that that meant, give that to you, and then you would give them a $100 bill, and they would have a fake vaccine card in the to-go bag for you.It was like a system they had, and people were getting fake vaxxed all day.
Yeah, that's awesome.Yeah, bro.Yeah, my wife made them in our basement.
Yeah, it's great.But did you ever think like, do you think the government cares anymore?You think they're still looking for those people or just they can't anymore?
They didn't give a fuck then.That really was a, um, I think that was just like a huge effort from the pharma companies who had people paid in Washington.Yeah.
Cause that was like, they can do a thing where they're like, and again, for some people who wanted it, like get it.I don't care.Like fucking two year olds didn't need it.That was the one thing where like our pediatrician was like,
Well, you don't have to do it.I totally respect that, but there's a higher chance that your kid might die."And I was like, okay, man.No, there's not.Get the fuck out of here.
Stop it.That to me was the part that I was like, this is ridiculous.Yeah.Give it to the geezers.If it works for them, cool.
But like, dude, I don't need this.I'm like, yeah, I don't fuck, I don't take Tylenol for headaches.So I'm like, I'm not taking that.Oh, you just power through.You're that guy.I just, I don't like a lot of like medicines and shit.They freak me out.
Like pills, all that stuff.
So what if you get really sick?You just ride that fucker out?If I'm like,
Super-duper sick, then I'll kind of yield and take like a little something, but even then yeah I like to put what I would do if I get like a fever I'll take a really hot bath, and I spike my fever that way cuz then old school the fever is what like is your immune reaction It's good, dude.
I like that you go all you put leeches on Treatment for cancer
They were giving, no no, fevers.They were giving, they were spiking fevers and it kills like cancer cells.Fevers are good for you.
But you can't get too high because you can have a seizure.
So if you can keep that thing at like 102, 103, get in a hot bath, I just burn it out.
Dude, you're right, you get right to, that's you edging yourself.
You can have a fever right to the point of seizure.
But did you ever try to jerk off in a hot bath?No.Impossible.Why?It's just the hot water fucks with your nuts.
Oh, because you know what it is?Probably because when you get hot water, it's called vasoconstriction, is what's gonna make your dick go up.Vasodilation, when they open up, blood pressure goes down, things go down.
That must be what it is.I can't come in the bathtub.You'd think it'd be a glorious session, but it's like.You just can't do it.Can't do it.
Yeah, I know.I've actually never, so the way that I jerk off, I don't jerk off kind of like most people like this.I actually lay my dick, I kind of sandwich it between my stomach and my hands.You're a pressure player.Yeah, exactly.
I kind of just push the base of my dick on top of my balls to just kind of shoot it out.So I can't ever jerk off standing up regardless.I'm always laying down.I kind of make a little pussy for myself. That's what it is.It's kind of nice.
It's kind of nice, dude, because I don't know why when I was a little kid, the first time I ever jerked it or masturbated or felt that, I just was basically rubbing a pillow on my dick and balls, and then I think I just stayed that way.
That's how you do it, yeah.I don't think I've ever Crank it?You've never cranked it?I've never cranked it, dude.That's awesome.Yeah.That's pretty sick.I just don't do it.I do it a different way.
And I bet you that has implications on me mentally and like I'm just like a different guy because of it.I think you're better off though.
Yeah.Cause that is, there is something gay about like gripping your member and like.Yeah.
You know, you're just, you're just.I'm doing, I'm different and I'm just built.I just, that's the way I roll.And then I shoot into my belly button and you know, it's kind of just like whatever dude.
Have you ever got caught?Ever got walked in on?
I got walked in on, my mom caught me once.That was bad.I never figured she was, she was walking in from the local pizzeria and she had brought me like mozzarella sticks and a chicken bacon ranch slice.
And she had like on like, she used to, dude, until I, I moved out of my mom's house in my mid twenties.And when I was literally like 24 years old, she would bring me food on a New York Yankees, like dinner tray.Like she would just give it to him.
Like it had like this setup where I would just like lay on my bed and it was like a little table.And she had that New York Yankees baseball tray with the food on it and I was just rubbing it.
And you're in there just like.
And so, and she literally, she was like, she like went like this and she was like, just slammed my door and she was like, your food's outside the door in the hallway.So I had to get it like a fucking inmate.Just like, you know, and then.
Dude, one time she found one of my VHS porn tapes.It was bad, like we used to pass around a VHS porn tape, and she found it and just left it.
So I used to put it in, I had this documentary about the original USA Dream Team, so I would, and I was such a little loser kid, I was like 12 years old, and I wrote on the cover of it, I said, I want to go to the NBA. Like a loser, like in Sharpie.
You were good at basketball though, right?Yeah, Division III, so.That's good.But yeah, I guess.And so I had put the tape in that Dream Team thing, because I was like, my mom never looks in that.
And then my mom, for whatever reason, was cleaning my room one day when I was at school or it was the weekend, I don't remember.
and she popped that fucking tape and thinking she was going to be a documentary on the dream team probably read you probably saw your like quote was inspired his goals i want to get my son a basketball hoop like oh yeah and it was just this colombian lady with a full bush just getting piped screaming
And so I got home that day, because it was a big deal.We didn't have cell phones back then.When me and my boys were at the park, we called it the Spanish Porn.Like, who's got the Spanish Porn?
We had the Spanish Fly.It was called the Spanish Fly 14.It circulated all around.
It circulated, and somebody would bring it, and then it was like a big deal.It's like, okay, you get it for a week, then Frankie gets it, and it's like what it is.And so when I came home one day, I was, you know, wasn't even thinking about it.
Came home and then it was literally, she had smashed it into like 20 pieces with a hammer.And she wrote, she had, my mom loved post-its and she had a post-it on it.And she wrote, get this filth out of my house.And I was like, oh shit.
And then, so I had to tell the guys, I was like, my mom smashed that fucking point.I just brought it back in like a pile.Just proof.Yeah.And they were just furious at me.They were just furious at me.
They were like shooting paint balls at me all summer.
So my brothers would go to like the adult section at Blockbuster and steal the porn tapes.It was like a serious effort to get porn tapes.So yeah, if you got smashed, you'd be like, bro, what the fuck?I know.
And now I'm risking life and risking freedom.Do you have boys or girls?Girls.I have two girls.
Okay, I was going to say, like, I'm actually happy if you had a boy or like for the boys that are living in Texas, I'm actually happy that the porn is blocked because then they're going to go find adventurous ways just like we had to kind of get porn any way they can.
So I kind of actually respect what the governor's doing here to block the porn.He's doing it so the kids can have more fun and be more adventurous.
And if you want to get kids, if you want to get kids creative, which is a big problem we have, block the porn.I think so.
Kids don't go in the woods anymore. No, but they will they're looking for they have no porn to watch dude.
That's where we found everyone found I think it's funny I think John Mayer did stand up once and his bit was that porn every kid finds porn in the woods originally Yeah, it's pretty funny pretty funny.
That was like that's where we found porn We had to go to the woods and you would just find it like fuck.
Yeah Yeah, porn you'd find like, you know people would go have sex in the woods Yeah, I find I find a condom sure first time I found a condom in the woods I went home and just beat off
I just saw you use a condom and I was like, I gotta jerk off, this is crazy.Someone fucked here and I was like, I gotta go jerk off.
You gotta jerk off, I know.God, I know the littlest things.And now it's like, now it's like the thought of using a condom is like, what am I fucking, dude?Do you have sex with a condom?It's like you're having sex with the condom inside the girl.
It's like, just go raw, go home. Like, if you're gonna do it, just do it.Yeah, if you're scared, don't do it.Yeah, my whole thing is like, you know what, man?
Like, you wanna go and fucking make a horrible decision and go, you know, cheat on your wife, don't be a pussy about it.Yeah.Go in, come back with another kid, a disease, like really get fucking in there.Yeah.
Show your kids that you can overcome anything.
And also, if you're gonna go cheat on your wife and wear a condom, it's like, just jerk off, dude.Yes, exactly.Don't have condom sex.It has to be something where it's like- Cream pie.It's gotta be cream pie, waitress.Fully, dude.
And just sit there for like eight months and be like, How am I going to break this door?
Like you have to go through the full spectrum of suffering.Yeah, 100% man.
And then once the kid, I feel like you almost want there to be a kid as a result of the affair.That way it kind of softens, because then it's like,
Yeah.What are we going to do?Don't fucking punish this kid.It's what it is.And it's also like, here's the thing.
I forgot if it was Giannis or Joe DeRosa, somebody said something to me was like, you know, you, you go out, you have unprotected sex with a girl, you do the crime, you do the time.
What's going to happen now is you got, you got your sentences two to 25 days.In two to 25 days, a disease will pop up or a baby will pop up.So like, so like, or a girl will pop up being crazy.So you do your sentence.
And if you can get through a month, if you can get through a lunar month, Yeah, true.
That's what they revolve around.
That's what they say.So you do the crime, you do the time.You're not going to get out of this scot-free.You did the crime, so now it's time to do the time.And so that's how we'd kind of just calm, we'd calm DeRosa down.
Like he was like, all right, I'm doing my time.And then he would text us like, all right, I'm out.I'm free, baby.That's what you got to do, man.It's fun being a guy.It is.It is.I would not want people to think, oh, Easier being a woman?No, sir.
Dude, it's fucking silence, man.
Great being a guy.I've literally, so me and my wife have aura rings.They like track your biometrics.Oh, great.And I can't stop talking about this because it's like a revelation.So we both went to sleep one night at like 9.30 p.m.Great night of sleep.
I woke up.My readiness score is like 89%.Yeah.Got me a little crown above it.I'm like, thanks.Hell yeah.My wife slept the same time.Her readiness score was 50%.Whoa.This is the period.
It's like their body temperatures elevated like they're fucked up man.So she woke up not in a good mood then she's not ready terrible mood It's like it my 50% is if I'm out like drinking all night, and I'm hungover, right?
She did all the right stuff went to bed or all that stuff ate, right?She could cut back a couple things, but But no, dude, she, she like did everything right.It was, and then I woke up in the morning, 50%.
I was like, your period fucks you up this much.She's like, yes, that's what it is.Their heart rate's elevated and their body, it's like they have a fucking fever.
I was going to say every, every month your wife has to take Tylenol.I'm sure she feels up.She's got to pop a Tylenol.
They're like crackheads with Tylenol.
You have to because it's true.
Imagine every single month you're just sick.
Like you fucked. Yeah, you're like, fuck, fuck dude.And it's like, so that's, and then there's like the time leading up to it.You're, you're cramping and you're just like, fuck dude, I'm psychologically gone.
There's like 10 days out of the month.I try to break it down to her.I'm like one third of the month.
Yeah.You're fucked.That's why like when you see like what Caitlin Clark can do, you're like that lady's doing all that on her period.Most of the time.Yeah.Like she's absolutely crushing everyone.Yep.Not feeling at all with a 40% readiness.
Are you talking about her playing basketball or fighting black ladies?
Both. I think But it's just like she just puts it on everyone.
Yeah, you know like guys don't have to do that Like it's impressive what Steph Curry does but he's never had to do it bleeding from his dick true You know about that playing with your period.
Yeah, they all have to that would be nice for if I was a betting man I would try to get the inside scoop on who was on their period.Yeah, or like just nice.
Oh Playing some of them playing like not even knowing they're pregnant yet and just dealing with like morning sickness and just fucking come every in them Do you and they're just killing it?
You think that in the team probably syncs up?So like 100 teams are I think if you win the championship everyone sinks to your period dude.
So one day they do so one I I I believe that
That's what they're playing for that's what they're playing for so I I remember once I was on a flight from Indian out from I think I was going from New York to Indianapolis on like you know I was like it was like a shitty fucking I Like American Airlines like small shitty plane and the New York Liberty got on the plane with me that I guess they were playing maybe the Indiana Fever or or what I don't know yeah and
And all the women got on the plane and they sat in the back of the plane.And the head coach at the time was Bill Lambeer.I don't know if you know Bill Lambeer.He was like the old player on the Detroit Pistons.
And he was just sitting in first class, laid the fuck out.And the women were like, you could hear some of the women being mad in the back, like, I'm sitting in the fucking back, coach is up in the front.But he was just laid out, chilling, legs out.
And that got me thinking, he probably has to deal with like these women syncing up on your period.And maybe that was one of those days where he was like, I'm getting the fuck away from these ladies for two hours.
And I'm just sitting in the front of the plane and not dealing, not dealing with it.He's got an eye mask on.Yeah.Dude.I would just be, I would be having to run suicides.They can't have that period energy.I'd be like on the line, get out, run it out.
It's so, I mean, I, well, now we're both gonna have to family, we'll have daughters, we're all, you know, way outnumbered.It's like, you know, none of my, my kids are still too young, but when that happens, it's going to get fucking bad.
Oh, it's crazy.I had a maintenance guy come up to like my, my office apartment and he was like, I was like, he's like looking around, like, where's your bed?And I was explaining, I'm like, this is what I use it for.
He has two daughters and his daughters are like teenagers.Yeah.And he goes, bro, like for real, like you might want to stay here.
He was like, when the wife and the two daughters sync up and they start, he's like, bro, for real, like, get out of your house.It gets bad.It's like, you're not, just get out of there.
Dude, last week, you know, my daughter's only nine.Like, last week, like, we were having, like, a regular day, and I said to her, I was like, okay, I was like, she was like, oh, can I have a snack? And I was like, oh, like mom's going to cook dinner.
So like, we'll eat in like an hour, which I've said to her a million times.And she goes, oh, I guess I'm fat then.And then walks up the stairs and slams her door.And her mom was like, she might be on her period.It might be starting.
Let me go up there and talk to her.And then she talked to her.And I don't think, I don't think it happened.Cause they wouldn't, the thing is like what you could tell me that my daughter's on her period.It's like, what can I actually do?
So like if you just tell me to go to the store and get it like there's no really yeah There's no real reason the mother has to tell the father that their daughters on their period because it's like, okay Yeah, so what am I gonna do for that?
Do I'm gonna go on the road?You can't talk you can't be like hey, how's your period?Yeah.Yeah, that's all that's just oh Yeah, that's mom stuff.But when she said that to me, like, oh, I guess I'm fat now, and then slammed the door.
And I was like, holy shit, bro.
That was like the first instance where I was like, my little kid daughter, who's like, you know, was like one of my bros, is now like becoming like a young woman where I'm like, oh shit, like I gotta be careful what I say.
Now I gotta be like, careful, careful.You know, and she would just kind of get, she gets on me.She's like, why don't you ever hold mom's hand?And I'm like, oh my, what? The fuck?Yeah.
So it's gonna happen.We got in an argument one time, and I have a two-year-old and a four-year-old, and I was like, I went outside and sat on my steps.I was like, fuck.
And they came outside, the neighbors outside, they both came out, and they're like, be nice to mommy, dad.I'm like, will you two shut the fuck up?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.I was like, get the fuck in here.
Yeah, I know, because- My daughters don't like it.If I'll grab my wife and I'll give her a big kiss, my four-year-old's like, dad, stop.She does not like it. Okay.
She's like, she doesn't like the affection.
She, yeah, she, she's like, come on, man, knock it off.
I don't know.It's really weird.I mean, every kid's different.Maybe when they get older, but come on, that is funny.Like hold her hand.That's enough.
Yeah.I know.I mean, you know, and dude, the drama you're going to see, like, you know, my, my, again, mine's in fourth grade now, the older one, like the, the, the girl drama with school.
I mean, she's been to two different schools and she's had two mortal enemies that sound like the exact same girl. you know, 20 miles away.I'm like, okay, so it's you.It's my kid.That is the problem.Just fucking causing beef with everyone.
But then it's like the girl drama.So it's like, well, you know, like my, my daughter told me, you know, like, oh, this girl, you know, she's doing this to me.She's doing that to me, blah, blah, blah, blah.And you know, like, what should I do?
And I'm like, well, you know, of course, honey, like, you know, like just, you know, obviously tell the teacher and, you know, don't get physical or whatever.And then her mom's advice is like, She hits you, you hit her back.
You slap her, you pull her fucking hair.Do not let that bitch dominate this territory.I'm like, these girls are in fourth grade.But that's how women are.Women are like, I took it as there was a problem.I'm like, okay, all good.
You know, like, it'll be fine.You'll work it out in the school year or whatever.And like, already, like my girl was already, had already messaged the school and that kid's mom.Like, we're having a meeting.
Like women are, and now the two, now my kid's mom and this girl's mom are like fucking, dude, at pick up, it's bad.And I'm like, so now, it's one of those things where like women are loyal like that.
Like you fuck with me, you fuck with the whole family.Where guys, I'm kind of more like, dude, we could get into a fist fight and I'd do your podcast tomorrow.I don't care, we'll just get over it.But women, it's like, that's it.
The battlefield's so much more complex.It's like, for real, we do like caveman warfare, they do like modern warfare of like psyops.Like destabilized friend groups.It's really fucked up.
And it gets like really dark like they'll like throw a party just so they can take pictures of it and put them out and then not invite one person and the whole thing's just to fuck this one lady up.
And they can do it and it's just devastating, man.
Just devastating, I know.I know, I mean like...
I feel like, you know, it's, it's, it's interesting being around so many like women in, in my life because I'm just like, man, like you really, if they real, if, if, if, if the, if this country elected more women, I think we would actually be a more, I don't think we even understand how vicious America can be because we haven't had a woman yet.
I mean, Hillary Clinton kind of got the job done.Oh yeah.She's in there doing some stuff, but yeah, it would be, they're so much more vicious.It's like unbelievable.
Yeah, and it's scary, it's terrifying.I think Abraham Lincoln said, like, what was it, like, I forgot the exact term, but it was like, hell has no... He was basically... Like a woman scorned or whatever?
Woman scorned is like no, you know, like that is like basically hell, whatever.And I'm like, even he knew, and he was gay.
Yeah, well, that's the problem with women leaders is you'd have to have like a strong team for that like 10 to 12 day period out of the month where they're completely fucked up. And I don't know why we can't face that as a reality.
It's like, you're powerful as hell, let's just use that as your incubating period, like, chill.I just feel bad, like, why are we acting like this doesn't exist?It's not a slight on them, it's like, dude, I would be fucked up too.
Of course, dude.Even the trauma of childbirth, dude.My girl, raw dog, two childbirths, just fucking pushed those fuckers out and then got up and walked. Like a couple hours later, she was walking with no pussy.It just fell out.
She was just with just an ice pack on it being like, all right, what are we going to eat? What do you guys want, you want eggs?
Yeah, the childbirth is a gear you see them in that you're just kind of like, what the fuck?It's crazy.
They do have, I think just through nature, they have a more, the highest threshold of pain.I mean, way higher threshold than a man could ever have.
Because I mean, think about that once, if that happened to you once in your life and you had to do that, I mean, you would die.We would all die.Dude, talking about your butthole getting this big.That's insane.That would be fucking crazy.
Even worse if it came out through your penis, that would be sick.
Just a finger through your penis?
Yeah man, so when I saw the two child births, it was one of those things where I was like, okay, there are, they're more powerful, they're stronger, I know physically they're not, but mentally is the thing, and it's like, I can't even compete at all.
I cannot compete.When my girl starts asking me questions, I'm fucked. I tell the truth, I'm a truth teller.I'm like, right away.You can't lie, yeah, you can't lie.I used to, I used to try to lie, and then the anxiety and pain I would sit with.Yeah.
Where I was like, might as well just tell the truth now, because she actually already knows.Yeah, and they're going to figure it out.
You can't lie.If you think you can't, like, women, they could get away with it so easy, but like, if you try to lie to a woman, it's like, they're going to find out.Yeah, I know.They can just look at you and be like, you motherfucker.Yeah.
They can tell.You piece of shit.And they're good.Like, dude, they'll like, I didn't realize, like, even on Instagram, like, they'll, kind of look at who's liking what of your things, looking at their profile.
I don't even know how to do that on her.I have no idea how to even access that information on Instagram.And that's a good point.She'll know followers who like something from weeks and weeks ago, and then has their whole profile locked and loaded.
And it's like, oh, did Stephanie go to your show?I'm like, what?Who is that?They're like, oh, well, she has an interest in Austin, Texas.I've seen from her interests on her LinkedIn that I've tracked.
So hypothetically it makes sense if she came to your show.I'm like, I don't even know who she's talking about.You see the person like, damn, she's smoking.Yeah, fuck, dude.This girl's awesome.I saw her pussy in the gym.
Thank you for bringing her to my attention.
I know.Well, that's the other problem.It's like, that's how they go overboard.It's like, you'll bring up all these girls that I genuinely I genuinely have no idea who they're talking about.
And then she'd be like, how about, you know, was this girl at your show?And then she'll send a screenshot.I'm like, no, but then I'll have Steve be like, can you DM this one and give her tickets?
Yeah.I mean, you know, I, I just, it is complicated.It's the most complicated time in like, dude, you know, in our dad's time, it was like, there might've been like two hot ladies you knew of.That's it.
And you'd be like, damn, that lady's fucking hot.
Well, we also have access to every woman on the planet.I mean, don't get, you know, don't forget a hundred, 200 years ago, you only knew the people in your village.So if you had, you know, hopefully you got the smoke show in your village.
If you didn't, you settled for like the one, like the kind of look like her, but she had like a limp.Imagine if there was no babes.
from like birth to death.That's a reality people lived in.You never saw a babe.
Zero babes, unless you had babes in your village.Indeed, a babe in a village was probably crazy.
Do you know I read a thing, I forgot, it wasn't in a book, it was like an article, where sex, like how we've kind of like made sex like a sacred, taboo thing.Like in the medieval times, sex was because it was so animalistic.
Like you would just watch your parents have sex and think of it as like, you know, your dad's doing pushups or something. It was just a thing that mom and dad did, they had sex, full bushes, and then you would have sex in front of your wife's family.
It wasn't a thing that was taboo at all.I mean, to consummate kings and queens marriages, they would have sex in the bed and the wedding party would stand around the bed and just watch this girl get fucked. That's awesome.
Dude, and there's so many fascinating things in history.I read this thing, there's this book called Fuckin' History.This guy wrote it, he calls himself the Captain.He's a great author.Kyle Creek is his real name, but it's Kyle the Captain Creek.
Dude, he wrote this book, Fuckin' History.It's like one page things where he talks about like, something from history, but then kind of gives like a modern spin on it.It's fascinating.I would read like a page a day.I love this guy.
And so I read this book about, I read one of these pages about France, like maybe, you know, 1600, maybe 1500s, France had this thing called, you know, obviously you can't divorce.You could, divorce was like unheard of.
Guys would just kill their wives.So But this one town in France they have, they're like, you know what, let's do divorce court.They're like, if this lady, you really want a divorce lady?Okay.
So they would say the only way we'll ever grant you a divorce is if your husband can't procreate.If he can't get it up and he can't fuck you, basically, then you're good.
So what they would do is you would file for divorce and then you would have to go to divorce court.And at divorce court,
You would come out, you and your husband would come out, and there'd be a row of judges and like noble elites, and you'd have to basically bang your wife.And if you couldn't come in an allotted time, they'd grant her a divorce.
Imagine if you jerked off that morning and you're just like, fuck, I didn't know it was today.Or you're just, oh damn.Yeah.
And then you're just going to get divorced, but here's the caveat was you could divorce your wife, but then like once she was like, once she was like not your property anymore, you could just kill her with no repercussions.Yeah.
You could just murder her like out in the field.
Could you fake a cream pie though in court?Be like, Oh, Say they'd have to be like, let's see.
No, a hundred percent.They had people would check to see if that shit's dripping out.And you could be like, no, I swear I did.She's got a deep pussy.I let it fly, dude.Come back in nine months.I promise.I know all that bush to get through.Oh, dude.
It's like a stern judge just scowling at you.Just with his wig on, just looking.You're trying to fuck your mean wife who wants to leave you.Who wants to leave.Yeah.So it's like, it's crazy how, you know, the world used to be, man.
Yeah, that's out of fucking control.
Yeah.Yeah.They had to make it sacred because it's just so important though.Cause then having sex leads to creating life.And if life's created willy nilly, then like no one's taking care of the kids.It just become like a fucked up situation.
And at that point it's like, dude, you need to have kids.Cause I need people on the farm.I need people in the army.We're trying to take over Holland and whatever other countries, you know, we got to do shit.
So like we need you to start pumping out those babies.And I kind of get how, like back in the day, if, a woman couldn't produce a baby, they're like, well, she's a witch, let's burn her.
We don't want any of this.We don't want the other women.
Yeah, they were a huge drain on the economy.
Because you didn't work.So it's like, if you couldn't produce a kid, people would be like, Jesus Christ.
Do you ever read that thing about the Salem witch trials where scientists have went back and think that it was because of a weed that was growing?Yes.You ever see that?
That's nuts.It's like ergot.It was like a mold.I think ergot's what we make LSD from, but it's like a mold that was in there and it fucked up a whole town.
I think about that.I'm like, dude, that could happen.That would be terrifying.
Cause why couldn't that happen today?I mean, and you just wouldn't know about it.Like, you know, like a little dude, we might, we probably start tripping every now and again off like food supply stuff.Oh, a hundred percent.I mean, yeah.
I've ever like, you know, like I've, I got really into like intermittent, fasting, which I got to start.Yeah.
I kind of got to lean back off now because I posted a video of me the other day trying to promote my shows in Texas and all you fuckers told me I had small calves and I looked and they kept telling me that I skipped leg day and I'm too skinny.
I have a big head.Fuck you, dude.It's like, it's like you're damned.I'm trying to get healthy here.And like, you're still shitting on me.
I bulked.I started lifting and eating a lot.And then someone hit me with a comment.Like when the bulk becomes a Hulk and I like, I was for real, like I got like a real pot belly.Like I got fat.
Still right now, but can you look?It's gone.
I did a two day fast.I got rid of it.I got crushed.I was like bulking, bulking.And then I just, I was like, Oh damn it.I'm fat.So I had to like bulk it.I got up to like one 96 and that's like a, that's what are you now for me?I'm like one 86 now.
Oh, 10 pounds makes a difference.Dude, you got the back.That's what it's true.Do you do a lot of back?
Yeah, I do a lot.I do a lot of lifting, a lot of back, all that stuff.So you lift heavy when you lift. Not too crazy.I don't lift heavy, but I just focus on the exact muscle group.So I don't want to hurt myself.But it's all time under tension.
The weight doesn't matter that much.
We were talking about that yesterday.Joe DeRosa, we were in his apartment yesterday, and he goes, yeah, I don't go to the gym.I just work out here.I was like, okay, what do you do?
He goes, three times a week, I do 40 push-ups, 40 curls, and 40 squats.I was like, like sets of 40, he goes, no, I just do four, I do three, four sets of 10.I was like, are you an old lady?
He's working out like a guy from like 1942.
He said, he told me, he goes, he goes, I have no desire to have an A plus body.I'm happy with a C minus body.Yeah.I just don't want it to be a D or an F. So that's what he does.That's what he does.
But, but, but we were telling him like, dude, you only have 20 pound dumbbells.I was like, if you just change that to forget about the number and you just did one minute, like slow curls time under tension, you'd be a fucking monster.
But he's like, I don't want to do it. I'm like, if you took, you take 45 minutes to do this bullshit, but if you took 15 minutes and just did the time of detention, you'd have a better work than the last time.
I know people who do that, the same thing.They always have those weights filled with sand.
No, but that's yesterday.We went to the gym and I was just doing like six seconds down Yeah, hold it for two and then explode up sick, and I was doing that fucking that's all you need to do Yeah, you don't I don't need to do heavyweights.
No, no, no time range attention.That's the move.
Yep What the hell was it what we were talking about something before that though?
Yeah, the witch trial and then hitting like eating the bread that fucked them eating the bread that fucked them up.
Oh But then there was something else, damn it.And then we started talking about the gym.Yeah, fucking in front of the judge.Fucking in front of the judge.But there was something I think we were going to talk about with the witch trials.
And I thought, I don't know, I don't remember.I don't remember.Yeah, you were saying when you kill women, if a woman divorces, you can kill her.Right, kill her.Witch trials.We just got into getting a pump.We got too enthusiastic.
I know.Did you work out yet today?
No, I took two days off.So I had a stomach virus and then like, it just crushed my appetite, obviously.And then the day after, I didn't eat for two straight days. Zero.Were you puking or shitting?I didn't puke or shit, but I felt like I had to puke.
Oh, okay.So it was like, I held it in.I hate throwing up, dude.
I will not, I will go like, so I just laid there like supremely nauseous.Right.Like a day, then fasted the whole next day.So I did like a 48 hour fast and then like, but I know you're supposed to like, you know, break it in softly.
I just fucking like pigged on like fucking like potatoes and shit.
Know with like a so I just I shouldn't have done it and then my stomach was fucked up from that for like two days Of course, dude, so I lost like 10 fucking you haven't eaten in like a week Really?
I haven't had a lot of food like about a week, but now you're gonna fuck shit up today though today I'm gonna fuck shit up.Actually.
No, I have to do a several podcasts a but right tomorrow do actually gonna fly tomorrow, dude I'm gonna absolutely fuck shit up.Where you going this weekend? Cleveland.No, yeah, I'm going to Hilarity's Cleveland.
You've been there before, right?No.
No?First time.Oh, this is your first time on the road going through everything, pretty much, like headlining on your own.
Pretty much.This is the first.I started Like last year.Yeah, cuz I did a whole stretch of shows and then I did that one special So this is like I'm still there's still a lot of clubs that are new to me.
So yeah, hilarious is awesome I heard it's really good.
You talk about eating you want to some of the best comedy club food in the country dude brick oven pizzas They bring out the you know, the owners great is Sam Nick that the food that they bring us old-school Greek guy.Ah
They fucking bring out whatever you want dude.
It's amazing and that it's got like the beautiful comedy club It's like, you know balcony and then they got like a loud like a cabaret room in the back that that's one of those clubs Like whatever you want, they'll they'll get up.
Yeah Good people and then you are you stay at a hotel you stay at? You're probably staying at the hotel that the comedy club gives you?I think so, yeah.Dude, it's like the first indoor arcade, what they used to call a mall, I think, in America.
So it's one of those hotels where you open up your door, but you're inside, on this elevated... You can look down in an indoor courtyard.It's a sick hotel.That's awesome.
But it's crazy, when you go to Cleveland, you'll see the block where the comedy club is and where your hotel is, there's three blocks, I think it's called East 4th Street, that is all of Cleveland.
And then everywhere else is like, there's nothing happening at all, it's just crack everywhere.But that block where you are, that's all you gotta do.
That's like Indianapolis, I was in Indianapolis.I stayed across the street from the Pacers Arena, Fever Arena as well.And then it was just that little square, and the rest of it, I was like, man.
Indianapolis is one, like, you know, I love any American city, but that's one of those ones where I'm like, you know what guys, like, I don't know, dude, I've been here a couple of times.Every time it kind of just feels worse and worse for me.
And I just, I don't know, man, like if it comes up on the schedule, I'm like, I'll do it, but it's gotta be quick.It's gotta be quick. You got to just get me in there.Get me in.If the show's at seven, get me on a 6 p.m.flight.We'll land.We'll do it.
We'll get out.I got to do it like like a fucking bombing run.
Yeah, it is.It is.It does have a kind of a depressing vibe.Yeah.You're used to like a booming metropolitan area like, yeah, just the food options and stuff.
That's kind of, you know, I don't want to snob on people's town, but it's like, no, yeah, but I will because I am a snob about that kind of stuff.But yeah, you get there and you're like, dude, this is your Uber Eats. Yeah, it's bad.Come on, bro.
Like, someone opened one fucking restaurant.
Dude, dude, Steve Ciccone Riceroni last night, uh, Uber'd eat something.What was the place called?Jew Burger?Oh, yeah.Jew Boy Burgers.
And then Jew Boy Burgers, they dropped the burgers off in the wrong elevator shaft, so this kid had to get fucking Wendy's. What?Where did that Jew boy leave the burgers?The Jews fucked you on your burgers?Dude, they thought you were Palestinian.
The Jews control the burgers in Austin, you can say that for sure.So you've had Jew boy burger?I haven't had it yet.But you've heard of it?Yeah, I'm waiting for the whole stuff to settle down in the Middle East.I've heard of it, I haven't had it yet.
Dude, but that's crazy.What a crazy name.I guess the owner's Jewish.I mean, that'd be funny if it's a Palestinian guy that owns it.
Yeah, it's gotta be it's gotta be a Jew boy Jew boy burgers.Yes, it's heard They're good unless they're hitting you with that kosher shakes like you can't have cheese, right?
Yeah, I think you can I went to a kosher burger place one time I didn't what kosher was and I was like, yeah fire me up a burger He's like, yeah, we can't do cheese.I was kind of like yeah, bro.This is what people are talking about
Dude, well, like, a lot of, like, growing up in New York and, like, Brooklyn area, it's like, you know, we have the Hasidic Jewish population.Like, most people, like, don't even know, like, what that, like, there's a wild population.
Like, they're their own kind of group.They don't let anybody in or out.They're kind of like the Amish, but, like, just Jewish people, like, running around.
Like, there's parts of Brooklyn, like, huge parts of Brooklyn that, like, none of us, if you're not Hasidic Jew, you've never seen it and you can't go in.It's, like, kind of wild.Like, you didn't grow up around any Hasidic Jews in Philly?No way.
No, we got them everywhere, dude.
Yeah, we didn't really have, I grew up in the suburbs of Philadelphia and I for real didn't know Jewish people existed until I was in college.
Like I didn't, people were like, Oh, the Jews.And I was like, God, what are you talking about?Yeah.Like Jewish people.And I'm like, what?
What does that mean?I thought they were just in the Bible.
Like when I saw, and I was like, Oh shit.Okay.
Yeah.And it's kind of funny, like the, you know, kind of subtle racism that like the old school people would have.
Like I remember grandpa, like, you know, I remember like we would like always like go like on the BQE, Brooklyn Queens Expressway, we would always like go, you know, like this one route where he would like take side streets and then get on the highway and get off.
And I remember one time I asked him, I was like, why do you, why don't we just like stay on the highway?He's like, I mean, so why do we get off those side streets?And he was like, Oh, because if I stayed on the highway, then it makes you get off.
And then you got to go through the Hasidic Jewish neighborhood and we don't want to do that. So I was just like, what?Okay.
He didn't want to see it.
He was like, yeah, I'm not driving through that.That's their neighborhood.And I'm like, do you not?Yeah.Like I kind of almost felt like, you know, like, do you hate them?Are you scared of them?Like, what is it?
But it is.People just didn't fuck with each other when they first came here.It was very much like, That's your people, these are my people.
Well, that's how they live.And with the Hasidic Jewish population, it's not that we're racist against them.They don't want us involved.So they hate us.They do not want you even around them.
It kind of crushes their vibe.Because if you're not wearing the clothes, I would feel kind of dumb.
I know.Well, they look exact.The way they dress is how they dressed a hundred years ago.It's like the same.That's kind of, that's kind of dope.
Like you could just drop in like, you know, 200 years from now we're going to look like fucking idiots, but, but like, it'd be cool if like we dropped in 200 years later and we kind of have the same shit going on.Yeah.Froze like jeans and a t-shirt.
It's like, this is what we're doing.This is what it is doing now on.Yeah.I'm still just sitting here balling out to fucking Daryl and oats. Well, dude, I don't want to hold you up, man.Thank you, I appreciate it.Oh, it's 10.45 already?10.43, yeah.
How long did we do?An hour, 22.Look at that.We're ripping, bro.I look at the hair, dude, the hair looks clean, dude.It looks great, man.Dude, your fans are going to shit on me.They're not going to shit on you.
Dude, I'll fucking fist fight any one of these fans that talk shit about my hair.Come to any of my shows, check my schedule, chrisdcomedy.com, and fucking say it to my face and fight me at the meet and greet.That's what I'm talking about, dude.
Thanks for doing this, bro.
Thank you, bro.Yo, you're the man.
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