You know, Adam, here's something I'm really looking forward to.A Quince sweater.When the weather gets cooler, I love putting on a sweater and going for a walk.Yeah!That's it!I like to put on a sweater and walk!
Quince has some cotton knit sweaters, which I really appreciate. You know, you're so cozy inside and maybe sometimes when it gets cool enough that you can actually see your breath even, but you've got your cozy sweater on.
Yeah, Quince is known for their Mongolian cashmere sweaters from $50.And that's not all.All Quince items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands.That includes beautiful leather jackets, cotton cardigans, soft denim, and a lot more.
How are they able to do that, Adam?I don't know.I don't know, Paula.How?Well, it was a trick question, because I know the answer.By partnering directly with top factories and cutting out the cost of the middleman, which passes the savings on to us.
Get rid of the middleman!And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices, which I love.And of course, premium fabrics and finishes for that luxury feel in every piece.
I actually ordered some fall stuff for quince.com.You know, fall doesn't come to LA until about December.But as I've said before on this show, I love the summer stuff so much.I love the linen trousers I got.
I love the linen shirt that I'm really looking forward to getting the stuff for when it's a little bit cooler out here. Get cozy in Quince's high-quality wardrobe essentials.
Go to quince.com slash nobody for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash nobody to get free shipping and 365-day returns.quince.com slash nobody.
If you're gonna try it anyways.Use our code.Hey, thanks to Helix for sponsoring this podcast.Adam has had his Helix mattress for almost a year now and he's loving it.I am.In fact, he won't stop talking about it.I won't.
You'll understand what we mean when he goes into detail later in the episode.But for now, we want to tell our listeners about a special deal going on.
Yes, I will be talking about this later, but Helix is offering 25% off site-wide and two free dream pillows with any mattress purchase and a free bedding bundle, which is two dream pillows, a sheet set, and a mattress protector.
I didn't get that when I got my mattress.With any Lux or Elite mattress order, go to helixsleep.com slash Paula.That's helixsleep.com slash Paula.With Helix, better sleep starts now.
Adam, did you know that each spring coil is wrapped?
I met a guy who does the wrapping.Oh.If you're going to try it anyways.Use our code.
Bonnie, did you say you forgot something?
I do.I just have this feeling like I forgot something.I don't know.You forgot Tony. No.
There's no Tony here this week.There you go.Where did you have her last?Tony's on yet another cruise.By the way, sorry, Glass Box.It's expensive, but we felt that if we were able to get so much as one more listener, right, it was worth it.
Worth it to send Tony on a cruise to Mexico.
Yeah, so that's why we had the Spanish lessons.It was a cruise to Mexico.Sorry, Glass Box.My high school Spanish teacher just sent me the bill. for the lessons she gave us.And it's, again, sorry, Glassbox.And it's pricey.
Sorry, Glassbox.It was pricey.It's exorbitant.
Well, she's not a public school teacher anymore.She's moved into the private sector.
Well, this was private lessons that she gave to us, and it was very customized.
And we didn't have to choose the massage service along with it, and we did.Sorry, Glassbox.
And I love the way she did my nails.
Yeah, the whole spa treatment.
But so we were prepping Toni for her Mexican cruise, because if we can get so much as one Mexican listener, I think we'll go up.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure we will.And just a note to Glassbox, never fear.If she comes back and it turns out she forgot her Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone sweatshirt, we will send her right back out again.
Yeah, so it's definitely going to get done.I'm excited about what she might be, you know, how she might be connecting with people with the Spanish that we sent her off with.
Yeah, I mean, she went out with a vocabulary of literally a dozen words.
Yeah, I mean, she is going to be able to say hola to everyone she meets, which I think is just night and day from where she started out.She was saying holla.Yeah, which is not... That's not how you say it.No, not the... Isn't that a cracker?
It's a Jewish cracker.We say challah, really.Wait, it's bread.Oh, it is.It is.Matzah is the cracker.Matzah is the cracker.You're totally right.
And you're like, Jewish, Jewish.Paula, she's so persuasive.She changed my entire view of my culture. I planted.
Do you see how easy it is to spread disinformation?I was actually coached by the Russians.I'm getting a little money on the side from Putin to spread this kind of disinformation.And I gave it to Adam.
I said it was a cracker instead of a bread, and it just took.And that's how it happens.
And I apologize.Before Bonnie corrected me, I had already tweeted it and put a little TikTok video out about it. about 1.5 million shares already, so... Yeah, and Stephen Miller is working with it now.It's out there.It's out there.
It's lightning in a bottle.
Yeah, you'll probably be speaking at their next Madison Square Garden rally.
I bet I will.Well, money well spent by Putin.You know, if the glass box thing doesn't work out, we could always see if Putin will do some stuff for us.
Or if the Tony thing doesn't work out, maybe we could send Putin a sweatshirt and put him on a cruise.
Oh, gosh.Oh, he would love to do that.Every now and then.In fact, if Putin is listening now, I want to say what I've been thinking about lately.Sometimes
Vlad, when I'm alone, because I'm alone a lot, you know, I travel and I'm in a hotel room, and sometimes late at night I look up at the moon and I say it right out into the sky.
Oh, this is good.Go ahead.Share it, Paula.
I say, go fuck yourself, Vladimir Putin.And yeah, I just want to take this chance to say that.Did you see Marjorie Taylor Greene was upset?I saw her at a podium.I assume it was a rally, unless she just has a podium in her living room.
But I saw her at a podium talking.She was very upset that people were comparing them to Nazis.Did you see that?
No.I mean, I know that that was very upsetting to the Madison Square Garden Nazi crowd.Yeah.
Yeah.You know, maybe if they didn't wave Nazi flags, maybe if their vice presidential nominee wasn't Rolf from Sound of Music, maybe we wouldn't think of them as Nazis.
By the way, Rolf from Sound of Music also called the presidential candidate America's Hitler.He went from calling Trump America's Hitler to calling Trump America's Hitler and Heil Trump.
Yeah, well, as it turns out, I think when he originally said it, because there was a time, if we can think back in our history of our country, there was a time where, you know, we certainly couldn't agree on everything.
I mean, how to spend our money, how to do the budget.Should there be a deficit?You know, public schools, charter school.There was a time when there were things that we disagreed with.But here's what we never disagreed on.That Nazis were bad.
There was a time. That was just presumed!You'd see somebody on the street and you could wave and go, Nazis are bad, and they'd wave back.
No matter the kind of friction you may have had with your neighbor, they'd wave back and go, of course, Nazis are bad.
That we can agree on, yeah.
Before I start the show, which I'm going to do in just a second, just a sobering thought.We don't have to wax too political because by the time this show drops, It'll be election day.
It's gonna be.But it'll be election day, but we will likely not still know who is the, you know.Right.
People will still be voting when this drops and we certainly won't know that night.But on that happy thought, let's try to brighten up your election day with the following episode.
I just wanted to bring some happy patriotic music in.
If you want to keep doing that, we can cut our house band and do that.
No, no.I love our house band, so let's let them have at it.
Coming to you live from our houses in Los Angeles, California and Weehawken, New Jersey.This here is Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone, your comedy field guide to life.Tonight, who kept Honest Abe honest?Who stoked the fire with Lincoln Logs?
Yes, tonight we flip over to the other side of the penny to get to know Mary Todd Lincoln.Because what do we really know about her except that in later life, she wasn't much of a theater buff.
Well, Valerie Gugala knows a lot more than that, and she is here to tell us about America's last antebellum first lady.And if that guest isn't enough for you, who do you want to meet next?You tell us on our first ever guest suggestion box.
I'm Adam Felber, this show's first fella, looking pretty and finding pet causes as my podcast partner roams the country, spreading her message to the masses.And who is that peripatetic and presidential presence?It's Paula Poundstone!
Welcome, Paula.Hey, how are ya?Oh, it's so good to be with you guys.Before I say another word, and I think this is important, I want to welcome first-time house band Isabel Bushkov on the fiddle.
Originally from San Francisco, Isabel is a recent graduate of the Northeastern University Department of Theater who heartily enjoys a good fiddle tune.
She is now a Boston-based actor who performs seasonally with History Live Incorporated Salem, and she's the theater development coordinator for Front Porch Arts Collective of Boston.
Isabel and her family are big fans of Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone, and she is thrilled to be a part of the show this week.Wow.Thank you, Isabel.
I love catching a first-time house bander, too. And front porch stuff is all the rage nowadays, front porch bands and stuff, they're just taking over TikTok.Oh, is that true?
People just, yeah, they're just out on their front porch, like how Andy Taylor used to be with Barney, they'd just have a, you know, guitar out there and be singing.
By the way, she does, I assume she, History Alive Incorporated, Salem, I took my kids years ago to Salem, Massachusetts.
It's not until you're presenting it to your children that you realize you are showing them a town where there was essentially a state-run mass murder, and now there's little keychains about it.
And I really hadn't thought of it that way until I showed it to my kids, and then I'm like, yeah, it's kind of horrible.Yeah, yeah, good point.
Yeah, I know.It's like the snow globes at Auschwitz.
Yeah, exactly, exactly.My son was like four years old, and even he was like, well, this sounds awful.Okay, yeah, but honey, look, you can get a T-shirt and a key chain.Yeah, yeah.
So what's new, Paula Bounston?You got something for me?What's on the hot sheet?
I have a question.I wanna engage you in body of question.I have been flying like every day of the week.Every day.For maybe a week, maybe a week.And you know, flying all night, flying, whatever.
Am I obligated to respond to the welcome aboard that they say, the flight attendants, while you walk past them?Do I have to respond?
100% you should.Wow.I don't think she has to.I do feel there's an insincerity there, and
Well, no, it's not.I mean, I just feel welcome aboard, welcome aboard.It just feels, and then you hear them saying it to the person behind you while you walk out.And I just feel like, you know what?If there's any way
Like, okay, I don't know if you jumped rope when you were a kid, like the kind where there's two rope spinners, one on each end of a long rope, and you have to do this thing where you have to sort of get your rhythm to jump in so that you don't trip over the rope when you jump in.
That's how I feel getting on the airplane.I'm like, if there's any way I can just come in between two welcome boards so that none of them are actually directed at me.
You know what?Here's what I got to say.Like you, I have worked in the customer-facing part of the service sector.Well, I think of you all the time.
Sunglass Sunglass Hut.Sunglass Hut.Every time I walk- And that's not all, I mean- I've posted pictures of the Sunglass Hut signs before saying- Yes.To remind people that it's part of the tour.
I rose all the way to assistant manager, and I was being groomed for management.I don't want to brag, but that is the truth.But also I was a busboy, and a caddy, and all kinds of things.
And the stuff that you gotta say, it's just nice when somebody else, any customer, acknowledges your humanity by speaking back to you.
Okay, but all right, if somebody comes up and they say, what can I get you to drink?
Or they say, I don't know, if they come by where you're sitting, it's just that thing of standing there at the entryway with just the repeated, welcome aboard, welcome aboard, welcome aboard.
It doesn't, it feels so insincere to me that I just feel like, you know, if we don't respond, maybe they won't have to do it.And I agree.They have to do it.They have to do it. I agree there's a thing about recognizing, acknowledging them, right?
I don't have a problem with acknowledging them.
I just wish I wasn't acknowledging them based on this stupid, meaningless, I mean, you know how you go to like Burger King or the Rite Aid or something, and at the bottom of your, you know, three foot long receipt for a thing of fries, it says, you know, thank you.
It's printed on the receipt.Like, why don't they just save the ink? Do you really feel thanked?Well, that's different.That's impersonal.No, this is very similar.
No, it's not.Again, if they had come to your seat and they said it, but the fact that they just stand there like, welcome aboard, welcome aboard.They're usually chopping the ice while they do it.
I think this is your opportunity and their opportunity to get to know the person that you're going to be with for the next five or six hours.
But you're not going to be with them.I'm not getting to know them.I'm going to fall asleep.
I won't have this question tearing this podcast apart.And so what we have to do, and God help us that we have to, for the tie-breaking vote, we have to go to Bonnie Burns.Bonnie, what do you think?
This is perfect because Bonnie Burns, this is Captain Krinkle. of Deercreek, who solves people's problems for this group.
Bonnie, you just received a letter from Steamed at 3,000 feet.Yeah.Oh, I like that.It's a good title.That's how she signed it.And she wants to, or maybe 20,000 feet, but she wants to, she wants your answer.
3,000 feet would be a very low cruising altitude.
We're crashing into ships.
Okay. Let me think about this for a second.I mean, I was thinking about it when you were talking about it.I would hope.Well, I had a couple of a couple of thoughts.One noise.Well, Adam, I don't think it's the same.They are greeting on the plane.
I don't think it's the same as a sunglass hat, because literally they do it almost to this meter.And they've got like, what, 100 people coming through there.How many people did you really have at your desk?So.
Right, exactly.My first eight months at Sunglass Hut was at New York's South Street Seaport, so literally hundreds an hour.
People were coming up looking for sunglasses, or you were just talking to anybody who walked by?
That's not your business.I won't answer that.Also, whenever the phone rang, I had to answer it.Sunglass Hut, we're number one for a reason. That's still not the same.
I don't think it's the same.
And then my friend who would call me would always go, what's the reason?
No, I think they have a good point.Um, Sunglass Hut, happy to greet you.Sunglass Hut.Yeah.You should have sang that song to people.I wear my sunglasses at night.
I'm going to tell you, Paula, I did, I did not not sing that song to people.I bet he did.I bet he did.
Were you one of the high volume sellers?
I did very well as a salesman.But Bonnie, come on, go on with your thing.I think you're right.It's not the same.
So, not the same.Then, so I was thinking, you know, Paula, what you could do, you enter and they go, what is it?Welcome aboard?And you could say, yeah, I got it.Yeah, I got it. But I realize it's rude.You can say, yeah, I got it.Yeah, I got it.
What's that mean?What good is that?You don't get it?No.I don't get why you would do that.It's just kind of mean.It's kind of a flip answer.Welcome aboard.Yeah, got it.Well, I don't want to do that.OK, right.So there's a problem with that.
Then I thought, OK, that's really rude.
So Bonnie gave you a bad suggestion.Now let's move on.
Why don't I just flip them off and run by, for God's sakes?Welcome aboard.
Yeah, got it.Yeah, got it.OK.So you could say nothing, but I don't think that's, like you didn't hear them.That'd be one thing.I don't think they expect to get, thank you very much.I think they're doing it because they have to do it.
The other side is though, you know, we're in such a kind of depressed situation in the country, in the world.And I just feel like anything I can do to just make things happier, even happier.So they're saying, welcome aboard.Hi, how are you?
Have a great day.Whatever it is, I feel like you could do your little part.
OK, I don't disagree with that idea.And by the way, I don't either.I do generally respond to them, but I feel stupid about it because, you know, they also have the option of sincerely addressing you if they feel like it.
You know, they could literally go, hi, how you doing?
I don't think they're supposed to get personal.There's not time because you're walking by them.I mean, we're trying to solve a problem that causes Paula Poundstone all this pain for literally five seconds several times a week.No, it's a lot.
She's on a lot.Yeah, but how many flights?How many of these five second interactions?
What if you're still, while you're on the jetway, you organize five, six, seven, eight people to, uh, to all respond. At once.Right, yeah.That's a good idea.What if we gather around the flight attendant and go, how are you?
Oh my gosh, so glad you're here.Right?Wouldn't that?
That seems like a lot less work than just saying hi.
I don't need to have less work.I'm just asking, am I obliged?Yes.
How about this?You're not obliged.I have an idea.How about if I tear off the thank you from my Burger King receipt and hand it to her?
There you go.Close. Close the circle.Excellently done.We've solved that one.Hey, Bonnie Burns.Yeah?Anything else up there in the Simi Valley?We don't have Tony and Anita Hall, but I feel like I can count on you to have something up in your life.
OK, so now I'm kind of debating what I should talk about.
Did you get the bed?Is the bed in the living room yet?
Oh, my god, you guys.I have so much stuff in here.Oh, my god.
My daughter had a really great idea.You're having surgery in two days.
I'm having surgery in two days.And I will tell you that I have been like a nervous hilaria for the last four or five days. I mean, honestly, so on edge and just feeling like so overwhelmed with all this stuff they have you do.
Have you bathed with the red stuff yet?OK, so the red stuff sound starts tonight.And like this kind of stuff I get anxious about.You have to put on clean clothes, as you mentioned in the last show, after every time you bathe with the red stuff.
So, you know, wash the clothes.Then I've got them set aside for each. day, and then what's the jacket I'm going to wear that's clean, blah, blah, blah.I think I was just really anxious about getting it all done.
And my daughter came up with a good idea, which was instead of us buying a bed or something, because you have to be downstairs in the beginning, even though a lot of people say, oh, yeah, no, you can walk up 18 stairs, no problem, as soon as you get home.
So we did an air, like one of those inflatable air mattresses. And, you know, probably only has to be up for a couple of days.
An air mattress?Oh my god.I hate air mattresses.No, no, no.I do too.
They're useless.I'm staying here at my sister's place in Weehawken right now, and I was offered an air mattress, and I was like, I will take the couch.
No, air mattresses are so uncomfortable.No, wait.No, because they deflate during the night.It's got to be the worst thing for trying to heal.
Are you thinking of air mattresses, like, for camping?Because they've come a long way.No, they haven't come a long way.
People are telling me that, but I don't buy it.Maybe they have.No, they haven't.
No, you haven't.Who told you that?Your daughter?
When the EMTs have to show up at your house with the jaws of life to break you out of the rubberized burrito that has wrapped around you, you know, maybe you'll be singing a different tune.
But Bonnie, I want to offer you one piece of advice because I know you're going under the knife in two days.As you're being wheeled into the operating chamber and as you're passing a nurse, if a nurse says, hi, how are you?
Don't be a Paula Poundstone and go, oh, blow it out your ass.
It's hard to know what I do but when Paula was talking about like how automatic the stewardesses are.So when I went for the consultation with the doctor and you know a lot of times these surgeons don't have the best bedside manner. Okay.
So, you know, he's firing these questions at me.Do you have diabetes?Do you have blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.And somewhere he asked something and I just thought of a joke.So I went, no, but you know, my legs or whatever it was, some joke.
And this guy got so mad.And after that, he was really sarcastic.And I was telling my brother, Steve Burns, God, I can't believe what happened.And my brother goes, because you interrupted his speech.
He's got the speech, and you took him out of the momentum.
Your brother is not wrong, because not only does he have a speech, if he doesn't hit every note of those speeches, there are things he has to say, too.Well, that's probably true.
You're lucky you didn't have to start over from the beginning because that's the only way you could do it, like a kid at a piano recital.
Bonnie and I were talking about this sort of thing the other day and I told her this story back when I had hurt my back and ultimately it was really physical therapy that did save me.So at one point I go
You know, I'm in this waiting room and it was mostly all really elderly people in the waiting room for physical therapy.And it was quite full in the waiting room.
And I go in and I do the session and I come out again and I just decide to try to cheer them up.So I throw the door from the physical therapy rooms open into the waiting room and I go, I'm cured!
I just, you know, it's like, I just decided, I just decided to go for it.You know what I mean?Just to commit to the joke.How'd it land?How'd that go over?Oh my God.People didn't even look up.I was so, I was, I was like, okay, uh, okay.
That's the sort of lesson you want to like tattoo onto your leg.Never make jokes in medical facilities.
Oh, that might be true.Wow, no, I would say just up the ante.Next time, roll out in a wheelchair and then go, wait a minute, and slowly stand up and go like, I can't believe it.
Hey, let me move us on for a second because I have an exciting announcement.We mentioned it last week, but now we're doing it.It is time for the return of our bookie, bookie, book club.
OK, I'll just get us in the mood, even though we haven't really officially started.Yeah, okay.Go ahead.We got a book club.Hey, it's the last time I'm singing this before my knee surgery.Knee replacement.Wow.We got a book club.
Knee, knee, knee, knee, knee, knee, knee.
We got a book, book, knee, good knee, good knee, good knee book club.Oh no, you know what?That was great, but you know what you forgot? Lose your leg, lose your leg, lose your leg.Let's get that one out of this one.
That was a part of Bonnie's book club theme song when we were reading Moby Dick.
Let's not bring, you know, Ahab into this right now for somebody who's about to get knee surgery.
Yeah, maybe not the time to bring up lose your leg.
Lose your leg, lose your leg, lose your leg.
Hey, but you guys let me pick the book.You kind of put me on the spot.I picked it hastily, but it is a book I genuinely want to read, and so starting next week, listeners, get a hold of this.
We're going to read chapters one through three of The Three-Body Problem by Liu Cixin. Now, also, please write in to nobodylistenstopaulapounceonagmail.com to tell me how to pronounce Lu Sijin, because I don't know how.It's C-I-X-I-N.
But this is thought of as one of the best sci-fi novels of the last generation, so hopefully it'll be good.
All right, so next week we'll be talking about those three chapters, is that correct?
I believe that is the case.
I'm looking forward to it.
Yeah.You know what, Adam?There's been a fear, I think, amongst Tony, myself, and Paula, that you were going to pick something kind of like really esoteric.Don't throw me into that mix.Well, I thought you said something like that.
I think, everybody, it's not like you're revealing something to me that wasn't said to my face on this show.It just means that you were talking about it more behind my back.
We, okay, the first time we let Adam choose, and, you know, he says we never let him choose before, but that's not true.You never let me choose before?
First time we let him choose, he chose the instructions for the Navage nose cleaner thing, and I just didn't feel... Oh, but that was, that was, you know, that doesn't count as a book.
That was Pamphlet Club.It's a very different thing and had a very different theme song.
We got a pamphlet. We got a pamphlet. We got a pammy pammy pammy pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam
All right, so chapters one through three of the three-body problem.It's not obscure at all, and hopefully it's very... I never heard of it.
Can I try?Okay.So, you know, you are this brainiac.Last week when we played Password, what'd you say?Is it a metronome or something?Machinome?What was the thing?
Monotreme.Right, like that is just a word that I know.That's not... Okay, but that's not...
I don't know what a monodream is, but it was when we were trying to get to the word platypus, and so I have to believe that he didn't use metronome.
Because platypuses have notoriously shoddy rhythm.
Okay.Anyway, so you said, no, it wouldn't be like a Brainiac esoteric thing.So I think, okay, you know, I'll buy the audio book.I'll listen to it while I'm walking.Maybe like even just when they show you, okay, here's a sample.
It was already hard to understand.I'm like, I'm going to have to read this fucking book. Sorry.
Yeah, well that's the thing about the bookie bookie book club.
Okay, and it's on Netflix.
Yeah, that's why I was thinking of it, because it's this book I've been meaning to read for at least a decade, and the series version of it just dropped on Netflix, and I was like, I don't want to watch the Netflix show before I read the book, so this was the opportunity.
There's also a three-body problem plush toy, and you can get bath towels, three-body problem bath towels and sheets.It's really taken off.
And yet it's super obscure and nobody's ever heard of it.Hey, everybody, Abraham Lincoln once said, you cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.
But that was after his wife accidentally wrecked the family stagecoach, so we're not sure.What he probably said really was, Mary, you got some splaining to do.We find out what really happened when we come back.
On this day in unremarkable history, Julius Caesar said, it's a salad.Can't it be vegan? Hey, thanks to Helix for sponsoring this podcast.Adam has had his Helix mattress for almost a year now, and he's loving it.I am.
In fact, he won't stop talking about it.I won't.You'll understand what we mean when he goes into detail later in the episode.But for now, we want to tell our listeners about a special deal going on.
Yes, I will be talking about this later, but Helix is offering 25% off site-wide and two free dream pillows with any mattress purchase, and a free bedding bundle, which is two dream pillows, a sheet set, and a mattress protector.
I didn't get that when I got my mattress.With any Luxe or Elite mattress order, go to helixsleep.com slash Paula.That's helixsleep.com slash Paula.With Helix, better sleep starts now.
Adam, did you know that each spring coil is wrapped?Yeah, I did.I met a guy who does the wrapping.If you're gonna try it anyways... Use our code! The holiday season is tough on skin.
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Yeah, that is oneskin.co.And I got to say, Paula, your skin looks so, it honestly looks good.It's radiant.It is.
I'm not sure that I feel radiant, but I do enjoy using it, uh, under my eyes, uh, on my chicken neck and on the creases above my, I, uh, You know what?Feels great.And I've kind of come to like the ritual of using it, but it feels great.
It's a little bit uncanny because we've done skin products before, but this one, wow.OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company.That is hard to say, OneSkin.OneSkin addresses skin health at the molecular level.At the molecular level.
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And if you're gonna do it anyway... Use our code! And we are back!Thank you, house band, Isabel Bushka!
Thank you, Isabel!First time I'm actually tearing it up.Thank you, Isabel.
Absolutely.Hey Paula, what's up?You seem, I don't know, like you've got some consternation brewing in your soul.
Yeah, some consternation, and frankly, Adam, some vexation.I have a whole Jane Austen jam within me.
You know, Adam, it's sometimes said of Trump's enablers, like Ron Johnson, Ted Cruz, Peter Navarro, Roger Stone, Steve Bannon, Lindsey Graham, that history won't remember them well. I've got more news for them than that.
History, in the main, won't remember them at all.I mean, could you list the names of everyone who participated in the Constitutional Congress, even? For example, Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton, but Raymond Burr is by far the more famous Burr.
Historians will remember these assholes.They'll be in big, thick, detailed books, but their names will not be taught in school.They think they will, but they won't.History has caretakers.
No one in the future is going to want to steward the names of these creeps.There are figures that we don't know that much about, like Mary Todd Lincoln, whose story is told by people who love her.
I don't know who those people are, but they're out there somewhere.Or Mary Todd Lincoln would be largely forgotten, like Kellyanne Conway will be stripped from the rolls of history.There are Mary Todd Lincoln aficionados.
I know I'll never get to talk to them, not on this forgotten podcast.
Yeah, this is awkward, Paula.Mary Todd Lincoln, huh?
Because I heard Mary Kay. The makeup?Yeah, so I have a few samples here that I want to try to interest you in.
And the thing is, is that if you sell them to somebody else, maybe to Bonnie or somebody, we could get, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, wait, not all my samples have arrived.
We'll put that off to next week because, Paula, it turns out that we do actually have a guest who is an expert. in Mary Todd Lincoln. who have done so and has spoken to the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum volunteers.
She's done primary source research at the Chicago Historical Society, the Illinois State Historical Library, and the Batavia Depot Museum, among other places, and has used these family letters, court documents, and period newspapers to write her performance and lecture outlines.
She is also one of the founders of a group called Mary Lincoln's Coterie, which is dedicated to the memory and legacy of Mary Lincoln.
The group holds lectures and discussions every month via Zoom since 2001, which is before Zoom, has hosted a symposium every summer in Springfield, Illinois.Please welcome Valerie Gugala.
I'm so excited to be here with you today.
Well, Valerie, we're so glad you're here.Now, you and I met in the theater. And you debunked the Mrs. Lincoln glove story.I read somewhere that Mary Todd Lincoln had a glove, Jones.
Tell our listeners why you believe that is an unfair characterization of the former first lady.
Well, I think it comes from misunderstanding what fashion was like in the Victorian times.Most people today don't wear gloves, but then gloves were really a necessity.
French gloves at that time that were fashionable were made of kid leather, and they were very, very thin, and they fit the hands very tightly.So tightly, in fact, that you could see your fingernails through the gloves.
And they were sold in packages of about a dozen.So you would buy 12 at a time at the minimum.And they were meant to be disposable.When they got dirty, you just threw them away.You might compare them to like surgical gloves of today.
Really?But a little more breathable, maybe.
Yes, probably a little more breathable, although leather can be kind of hot, but they were thin.So presidents and first ladies at that time traditionally held receptions for the public every week.And the crowds exceeded more than 3,000 every time.
And the Lincolns would shake hands with all of them.And so, as you can imagine, their hands would get very dirty.The gloves would sometimes wear through even.
It was said that Lincoln would possibly go through five pairs a night, and Mary would possibly go through two or three pairs a night.Wow!
Oh, so it wasn't that she loved gloves, it's that she needed to use many, many, many gloves.
Exactly.Buying 300 pairs of gloves, which is said that she did right before the 1865 election, that's not an unusual amount.It would have lasted her maybe six months.
And you know, ladies just don't wear gloves like they used to.I don't want to slut shame anyone, but come on girls, cover those up.
That's okay.But really, $360?I mean, wouldn't they need, like, a coach to carry all that?Wouldn't they?They didn't have Amazon, so they would go out and they would have to get, you know, and have, like, a big case of them carried home?
Well, Mary wouldn't carry them home herself.She would probably go to the store and, kind of like Amazon today, the store would deliver them to wherever you were.
So glove makers just had to work around the clock?
Yeah, pretty much.Yeah, yeah.There's that old expression from Lincoln's time, exhausted as a glove maker.Oh, now I understand that.
People say it all the time, and yeah, I never knew what it meant until now.
In the past, we thought glove makers were just kicking back, and that meant that you weren't very tired, but apparently they were exhausted.Okay, what was the First Lady's duties back when?
Because every First Lady has kind of added something to, or maybe even taken away.What were Mary Todd Lincoln's duties as First Lady?
Besides glove-wearing, yes.So she, of course, oversaw the executive mansion and the social activities there, as first ladies have always done.Like raves?Was there a lot of raves?That sort of thing?Yeah, I'm sure there was lots of raves, yes.
Did you see Breaking Bad? My husband loves Breaking Bad, but I've never watched it.Oh, because there's a scene.
Well, really a few scenes where Jesse, who's the young you know, it's a it's a chemistry teacher and his former student and they're making up.And at a certain point, Jesse is very, very depressed.
And he has a house, and he has all these people, and most of whom are just strangers.And he loads them all up on drugs, and he just sort of leaves them there partying for days.
And every time they stop partying, he throws money around and throws drugs around, and they start up again.Is this ringing a bell to you as a historian?Yeah.
Over to you.Probably not similar to the entertaining in the Lincoln White House.OK.
All right.Just checking.OK.OK.Fair answer, fair question.
So I think besides the social activities at the White House, the one thing that Mary really took the most pride in and looked at as a duty as First Lady and also just as a woman citizen of the United States was visiting the soldiers in the hospitals that were around Washington, everyone that had been wounded in the war.
She took carriages of flowers from the greenhouse to the soldiers.She planned holiday dinners for them.She went two or three times a week to the hospital just to be there and help out however she could.She did go incognito.
She did not want the soldiers to know who she was because she felt if they knew she was the wife of the president, they would feel they'd have to act a certain way.
And she didn't want soldiers who were wounded or in pain to think that they had to come to attention or stand up or do anything other than rest.
My guess is that the wagon load of gloves she carried behind her was a giveaway.
It also feels like she was wasting valuable PR opportunities.Visiting a wounded soldier, isn't that a daguerreotype op?
Well, you know, it was.And Lincoln's secretaries were very frustrated with her that she wouldn't tell the press where she was going.
They wanted that press for her because she did get a lot of bad press on both sides during the war and afterwards, as we know.But she just felt like, no, I don't want people knowing it's something that I'm doing for the soldiers, not for press.
That sounds so selfless.But do you remember the time they closed a McDonald's for the day and she went in and served fries?Because I thought that was over the top.
That was staged.That was staged.It wasn't open yet.Yeah.
And they had, you know, people.
people in blue uniforms coming by to the drive-up window, and they didn't have cars then.So let's face it, people walked up to the drive-up window.Why even have that window?Exactly.Why try to bullshit people?
Oftentimes, as the years go by, the First Lady adds dimensions to the position of First Lady.Did Mrs. Lincoln do that?Did she change something from the First Lady prior to her?Well, like how Melania bitched.
about decorating for Christmas as no one had ever done before.That was sort of what Melania brought.
brought to it.But bitching about it creates a new job that now all first ladies must.That's true.
That added the dimension to it.
Now they have, you know, they have one of those things at the at the White House on the door that they hang at Christmas time.It has like a Santa face on it and it talks.You know, people love that.
It's the sort of thing you might get of a Spencer's gifts or an Oz or something.And as you open the White House door, the Santa Claus face goes.No one fucking cares about Christmas. Oh, people love that.They love that.
Yeah, Mary didn't do anything like that.
But a couple of things that she did, I think maybe one of the most important things, not just her, but both her and Abraham did, is they were the first presidential couple that invited African-Americans to the White House as guests, as opposed to servants or slaves.
Well, that's kind of remarkable.
Yeah.Frederick Douglass came to Lincoln's second inaugural address.
Oh, I hear he's doing some great things these days.
And Sojourner Truth came to the White House in 1864.Possibly she went a couple of times.There were a couple of African American doctors who were with the Army that came to a reception at the White House.
And then there was a New Year's Day reception when there were a number of African Americans outside the White House when they were having the reception.And towards the end of the public reception, they were all let in as a group.
to meet both of the Lincolns, and it said that the Lincolns greeted them with a heartiness that made them wild with exceeding joy.
So they didn't just go, welcome aboard, welcome aboard, welcome aboard.
Paula, you gotta let it go. You know guys, Abraham Lincoln himself once said, I'm going to quote him, all that I am or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.To which Mary Todd replied, really?Nobody else comes to mind, asshole?
I'm paraphrasing, of course.Mo Mary, when we come back. The Cat of the Week is Raven from New Haven, Connecticut.
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Fun fact, the human reproductive system literally contains both the smallest and the largest human cells.Which is why locker room showers are so awkward.
And we're back rapping Mary Todd Lincoln with Valerie Gugala or should I say Valerie Todd Gugala or Valerie Johnson Gugala
Actually, Mary never used Todd after she was married.She was just Mary Lincoln.Why do we keep hyphenating?
Well, historians have added Todd mostly because her daughter-in-law was also named Mary, and then her granddaughter was also named Mary, and so there's three Mary Lincolns.Oh, I didn't realize that.
Yeah, so for a little bit easier for some people, they refer to Mary Todd Lincoln, Mary Harlan Lincoln, and then the granddaughter is Mamie.
That's like in my daughter's elementary school class.There were so many Briannas, so they had to have, you know, Brianna G, Brianna H, Brianna R. All right, Valerie G, what What was her life like before she married Lincoln?
And I'm referring now to the Mary Lincoln that was married to Lincoln.
You mean Mamie?Are you talking about Mamie?To Mary Codd.No.Ms.Mary Codd.
So what was her life like before she married Lincoln and what did she do after his death?
So before her marriage, she was really a member of the aristocracy.Her family was very prominent in Lexington, Kentucky.She did move to Springfield to visit her older sister, who had married a man from Springfield, Illinois.
And she was the Belle of Springfield.And she had a group of friends that she, male and female, they called themselves the Coterie.And that Yes, yes, which will get that explain something else that we'll get to, I'm sure.
And so she was very privileged.And then she met Abraham and he had a very different upbringing in life from her.But she saw what he could be and what he could become. And over the objections of her family, she married him.
And then after his assassination, basically, I was talking with a friend of mine who is an author on some books about Mary.And I said, you know, what would be your answer to what did she do after his death?And we both said at the same time, grieved.
She wore black for the rest of her life.So she never really got over his murder.Although, I mean, I can't blame her.That was more of a Goth thing. Yeah.No.I'm sure.Well, you know, she maybe was an original goth.Yeah.She was.
So they had it.They they must have had a pretty terrific relationship then.
You know, a lot of historians would tell, you know, but I would tell you, yes, I believe they had a really good view. There's a certain historian who just absolutely hates Mary Lincoln.
But I think sometimes people look at Abraham and he's such a great man and a great president.For some reason, these great men have to have these horrible wives, and I don't know what that is.
Yeah, you do see a lot of that.
It's just top-drawer misogyny, I think.So, talk about your organization, what they do to keep her legacy alive, and why do you think it's important to do so?
Would you call it an organization or a coterie?
Well, both, I guess.We call ourselves Mary Lincoln's Coterie, and we did get the name from the group that Mary Lincoln had in Springfield of her friends, because a coterie is just a group of friends.
Whereas if she had been in West Side Story, it would be the Mary Lincoln Jets.Yes, possibly.So I think it's lucky that this worked out.Sorry to interrupt.
And she could dance, so, you know.Everybody danced back then, right?
You had to dance.Back in West Side Story or back in Mary Todd Lincoln's Washington?
I think Mary Todd Lincoln's Washington.They all danced.
They all danced, although when she first was introduced to Abraham, there's the story that he said he wanted to dance with her in the worst way, and she later said that he did.That's fantastic.
But we distracted you from talk of your coterie.
That's all right.So anyway, the coterie, we started doing memorial services for Mary back in the year 2000, actually.So 2025 is our 25th anniversary of doing a memorial service on the anniversary of Mary's death.
Or now we do it on the weekend closest to it.Her death is July 16th.So in 2025, it'll be on July 19th will be our memorial service. And what goes on at the memorial service?Do you act like she just died?
No, it's generally we're not sad like it's a funeral.We have a couple of speakers that give short speeches, something about Mary or about Mary and Abraham.
Is it more like a celebration of life where people go like, funny story about Mary, we were downtown together, like that kind of thing?
Um, well, not that we were downtown together, obviously, but yeah, yeah, fun, you know, interesting stories about her, funny stories about her, something good about her, talking about how she was a mother, how she took care of the soldier boys, things like that.
We present a wreath in the Lincoln Tomb. And then usually over that weekend, we'll have a couple of speakers that will give presentations at various places in Springfield, Illinois.We have a lunch right after our memorial service.
And then during the year, we try to have monthly or bimonthly Zoom meetings where we have different speakers talk on different topics that would be of interest. Sometimes they're about Mary, sometimes they're just about the time she lived in.
We've had people talk to us about medicine at the time.We've had talks about etiquette and tea and music.So all different things we talk about about that time.
Is it something about Mary or are there other coteries for other first ladies out there?Or is it just that Mary's kind of special?
Well, I think Mary's special, and I don't really know of any other group that's dedicated to just one First Lady.There is the National First Lady's Library that's dedicated to all First Ladies.That's a national park site.
But dedicated to just another First Lady, I think we're the only group.So we're unique.
Yes.Is there evidence that MTL influenced President Lincoln?
I think she did.I think she polished him socially.Lincoln always had a drive for politics.With or without her, he would have gone into politics.But he needed a little bit of polish.You know, he came from the frontier.
He was a little rough around the edges.And he may not have been able to get as high in politics as he did without her influence.
One of Lincoln's law partners referred to him as a rough diamond, and Mary said to polish such a stone would be the task of a lifetime.
And she polished his appearance, his social standing, his manners, and she put him in that position to rise to that higher station in politics and in life.
So he was not in politics.He was a lawyer when they met.
He had dabbled in politics, but he really got more into politics after they met.
Their meeting and getting married predates, say, the Lincoln-Douglas debates.
She was on hand for that.
I think she only attended one of the Lincoln-Douglas debates just because of logistics.But yeah, they were married long before those debates.
He was also a failed store owner, which, as such a bad businesswoman myself, has really filled me with hope about my potential of being president.Your future?Yeah, because I can lose money faster than anyone I've ever met in my life.
Yeah, I put Lincoln through his paces. about losing money.So, fantastic.Well, Valerie, thank you so much.This was really wonderful.Valerie, thanks.
Yes, Valerie, that was excellent and informative.You know, you can learn more about Mary and about Valerie at MaryLincolnsCoterie.com.Mary Todd Lincoln expert, Valerie Gugala, everybody. Thank you so much for being on our humble pod.
I've been thrilled to be here.Thank you.Oh, well, we're really thrilled to have you.Thank you.And people could people could join up with the Coterie, could they not?
Absolutely.Just find us on Facebook or go to the website that was mentioned and send us a message.We don't have any dues or anything.Just come to our events.
Yeah, so navigate your way over there, people.You might have to take off your glove to open your phone, but otherwise... Yeah.
But you know what?There's more in the buggy behind you where that came from.
That's right.Coming up, now that we've had such a spectacular guest, who could possibly follow this act?You let us know when we come back.
And now, a news update from the dental chair.
He increased 20 degrees in some places last week.
This has been a news update from the dental chair.
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Thank you, Isabel Bushkoff.We are back.Paula Poundstone, here we are, hitting November.What are you hitting?
We're careening headlong through November.I feel like those ubiquitous scenes in Star Trek when they were all strapped in on the bridge, staring straight forward at the peril the ship was dodging.Meteors, planets, missiles, enemy ships.
It was so dramatic.The ship was tossing this way and that.Scotty would come up from down below. That was the door opening and closing, by the way.And the second he came into the room, Captain Kirk would yell, Scotty, you're not supposed to be!
The ship would lurch and Scotty would be thrown to the floor.Ohura's face would smash onto her computer.Kirk's most recent alien lover would keel over and die.The music would swell.Bones would say, Jim, we can't go on like this. That's us.
That's the situation we're in right now.Rocketing in through November's perils.You know what they need on the bridge of the enterprise?Some laughs.Healing laughter.It restores sanity, humanity, and it tightens the abs.
They had nowhere to go for a night of laughs, but our listeners do. I'll be in Alexandria, Virginia at the Birchmere on Friday and Saturday, November 22nd and 23rd.You can get your tickets at PaulaPoundstone.com.Stay out of sickbay.
I'll be in Tarrytown, New York at Tarrytown Music Hall on Saturday, November 30th.Get your tickets at PaulaPoundstone.com.Beam up!
and I'll be in Portland, Oregon at the Aladdin Theater on Saturday, December 14th, which isn't November, of course, but we could still be dodging meteors.Get your tickets at PaulaPoundstone.com.Guess where else I am?That's your guess?No.
I'm gonna be, I'm gonna do New Year's Eve in Chicago at City Winery.Two shows, 7 and 1030.What better way to let 2025 know that if it fucks up, we're gonna make fun of it just the way we're gonna make fun of 2024.
And, as if that's not enough, I'm going to be in Glendale, California at the historic, beautiful Alex Theater on Saturday, February 8th.Go to paulapoundstone.com to get your tickets.Don't be a red shirt.
And as long as we're talking Star Trek, I want to say that we here at Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone, much like Star Trek, have become a mighty franchise that spawns sequels and spinoffs.
And we were thinking of naming our first spinoff, in fact, Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone the Next Generation And we were like, well no, it's really the same people So we were thinking of calling it Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone Discovery And then we felt that sounded a little too science-y So what we decided to do was name it Dear Crinkle
It's our offshoot podcast.It's a mini-podcast full of mini-sodes featuring Paula Poundstone, Adam Felber, and Tonia Hall, but also our own star of the podcast, Bonnie Burns, offering her great real-life advice to real-life problems.
That's Deer Crinkle.Find it wherever you find any fine, nobody-listens-to-Paula-Poundstone podcast.All right.
Yes, I have to say one thing.I am offering my sage advice.
Okay, definitely get to say that thing.You didn't add anything to what I'd previously said.Not really, but she did say something.She said it.She came right out and said it.She said it in sort of a lower tone than she usually speaks in.
You know, Paula Poundstone, about a week or two ago, I was signing off the show and I said, if you have any questions or comments or a suggestion of a topic that you might want to discuss,
write to nobodylistenstopallaboutsomethingatgmail.com and you said, and I think I'm quoting you directly, come on, does anybody ever really write in to suggest a topic? I had never heard that anyone did.
Well, you're so sensitive and volatile that I guess we've been keeping it from you.The fact is that we get suggestions for topics and, in fact, guests who can speak on the topic somewhat frequently.
And so we decided to open up that box and read a few entries from the Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone Guest Suggestion Box.
You don't feel this was a... No, no, it's not a mailbag.
You didn't feel this was a...
No.No.Mailbag?No.No.It's not.It's a suggestion box, Paula.Yeah, but it seems very similar to me to a mailbag.Mailbag?No.No.It's not even remotely similar.These are solicited suggestions in a suggestion box.
Okay, I stand corrected.I guess so.Again, I stand corrected.
So I thought no one ever wrote in, and it turns out secretly behind my back there's been all sorts of conversations about who, because usually I choose the topic for the guest, but apparently all sorts of guest ideas have been welling up behind me.
Yeah, they have been.And so to summarize, Paula Poundstone, wrong on suggestions, wrong on boxes. Sorry, it's election season, I had to do it.But let's get right to it.Paula, do you want to read the first suggestion from our suggestion box?
Okay, this comes from Nobody Pam Graham.Oh my gosh, that's fun to say.Pam Graham.She suggests that we do an episode with an interview about agnotology.
It's the study of deliberate culturally-induced ignorance or doubt typically to sell a product or win favor, particularly through the publication of inaccurate or misleading scientific data.
She gives examples of the tobacco industry and also the fossil fuel industry.I would suggest, Nobody Pam Graham, that the
poster boy for a word that I never heard of before, agnotology, might well be John Kennedy, the senator from Louisiana who is walking culturally induced ignorance.He pretends he doesn't know things that he absolutely does know.It strikes me.
Maybe we can get him to come on.
Yeah, I mean, so this is disinformation or anti-propaganda?I guess that's what this is.It induces ignorance.I guess climate change, you know, as she said, is a very, very prevalent thing.
I mean, for literally 30 years, the fossil fuel industry and other industries have been pumping out, along with their gases, the CO2, information that sort of muddies the waters on what is happening to our planet.
Also, a lot of people don't realize, and I didn't, honestly, until not too long ago, that the fossil fuel industry also is involved in making plastic.And they have- Really?Is that true?Yeah.Yeah.
No, I mean, really, you didn't know.I mean, plastic is made for- No, really, I didn't know.
Oh, no, I feel like a fool. Really, I didn't know.
And that was my background.I should not have phrased it that way.
Yeah, really, I didn't know.
Let me try that again.Really?Plastics made from oil?No, wait.I just realized I wasn't thinking of fossil fuel.I was thinking of fossils involved with plastic.And that didn't make any sense.You were thinking of fossils?
Yeah.It would take an agnotologist several years to sort out all the shit on this show.
I've never heard of agnotology.OK, well.
They have been telling us for many years now that we could recycle our plastics and that we were recycling our plastics and that they were at the forefront of saving the planet through their responsible plastics recycling, all of which was untrue.
And you know how sometimes like when a politician lies, they'll give him Pinocchios.I would go even further.I would give the fossil fuel industry a big fat John Kennedy for that.
Clearly that activates something in Paula Poundstone.So let's look into a career agnotologist for the show.
Is that a word?Is there an agnotologist?
Oh my God, you can't throw a brick in my town without hitting an ornithologist.And you're the first to tell you that's not a brick.Hey, let's move on.You know, Colleen Bertino has a letter.Can I read it to you?Please.Career Corner Idea.
I don't own a hardware store, but I own a store that sells personal toys, lingerie, and so on.Fantasy Gifts in Minnesota has been around for 42 years, a family-owned company.
Even had a podcast for five years until the pandemic when it became too difficult to do. Colleen Bertino owner of Fantasy Gifts.Now, this feels a little bit like somebody managed to slip an advertisement for their business into the suggestion box.
No shame in that.No shame.Perhaps it would be more appropriately left in the Mailbag!
But, you know, Colleen, thank you, first of all, for your suggestion.I find it very, I mean, this is Minnesota?There's like, I mean, basically we're talking about like a sex toy store here.
It's a sex toy emporium, for sure.
In Minnesota?I don't think people use sex toys in Minnesota.It's too fucking cold.They just get under the blankets as fast as they can.I'm not even sure they have sex.They just shiver together.They shiver together romantically.
That's how they reproduce?
Yeah.Yeah.Mostly the sperm.Um, kind of like how, okay, like for example, I, as you know, right now I'm sitting on a chair on my treadmill.No, Mo, no!
Oh wow.Wow.You just got ricocheted off that treadmill into the wall behind you.
Yeah.God damn.My dog just flipped this switch.I'm good.I'm good.
Now Paula, I know you're a little shaken up, but how does that relate to the sex toy in Minnesota, Emporium?
Well, I'll tell you, I have a treadmill desk, and one of the flaws in the design is that as you're walking on the treadmill desk, and heaven forbid you jog on it, but as you're walking on the treadmill with the desk above it, the whole apparatus rumbles.
And if you have like pens or something on the day, everything falls off the desk.It all like a scene in Jurassic Park, you get things roll off.And that's how the sperm comes out. and goes into the vagina more in a, I don't know how to describe it.
It sort of jiggles in.It's not shot in, you know, the way, like with an ejaculation.
Wow, what an extraordinary long journey just to mildly roast me out.Well done, Paula.
I think it was well worth it.Okay, I also want to say something to you, Colleen.When I was in Massachusetts this summer, I was over at the Liberty Tree Mall in Danvers, And there was a store, which appears to be a chain store.
I didn't go in, I just saw it from the outside.It was called Mostly Tubs. And now you have to keep in mind you're in Massachusetts, right?There's not that many like hot tub days of the year in Massachusetts.So they have a store called mostly tubs.
And I just, I, as I said, I didn't go in, but I'm going to assume that the, you know, the own it's probably owned and operated by the same people.
And my guess is it's some woman who comes to the door and says, uh, and you go, you know, gee, what do you guys sell?And she goes, mostly tubs.Uh, mostly tubs, hon. Mostly tubs.There's some stuff in the back.
We have some cock rings in the back, but it's mostly tubs.Just a theory.
I gotta say, maybe it's because of the mismatch between a sex toy oriented store and Paula Poundstone, but I would welcome the owner of a fantasy emporium onto this show.I think that's a fantastic idea.
All right, Colleen, sounds like a well-received booking.You might have something there.Mostly tubs.It's mostly tubs.Are you looking for a tub?Because that's mostly what we have.It's tubs.We've got three dildos, but mostly tubs.That's in the back.
So here's another one, and I'm not going to go all the way through this, and you'll soon see why.Sandra writes, recently you asked for suggestions for folks' topics for the show.
Something that's a little grim, but I think will actually be a great match for your listeners is green burial methods like natural burial, liquid cremation, human composting.
And then she suggests that someone named Caitlin Doughty recently did a good video on it.And that's where I stopped, Paula.
And why is that? I know why you stopped.I want to thank you for writing in, Sandra.We had Caitlin Doughty on, and this was back when we were in the studio.So she came to the studio.She wrote two terrific books.
One was called Smoke It's In Your Eyes about her year of working in a crematorium in Oakland.I think it was before she went to college.And then she loved it so much that she went on to mortician school.
And then she went around the world studying how different cultures and different places deal with their dead in a book called From Here to Eternity.
So not only do we have Caitlin Doughty, who talked mostly about her experience with the cremation job, But Caitlin Doughty inspired any number of people in that industry.She really shook up the mortician industry.
And I'll be damned if I can think off the top of my head of the name of the guest, and forgive me, guest, but we had a wonderful guest who had a place somewhere in the Pacific Northwest that was, you know, where you got mulched.
Sandra, I agree with you that that's a fascinating topic, and that's why we did it twice.
Yes.Okay.Moving on.Din Froh wrote, Hi Paula and crew.Hope you are well.Introducing you to Jake Steiner on your awesome podcast.Jake has a natural approach for ending myopia.He has been pioneering natural myopia control for the past 20 years.
Would you be up for an episode on vision improvement and peak eyesight performance?Okay.Again, this feels like an advertisement.It does.
Well, I don't know.I mean, you could say that Caitlin Doughty was an advertisement, or the other woman who had the organic burial place was an advertisement.
No, but what I'm saying is in terms of our suggestion box, which is not our mailbag.
Right, but he's suggesting someone who's an expert in an area, and it just so happens that the person also makes shitloads of money from that area.
Yeah, it feels like this is a PR thing.
No, I don't think it feels like an advertisement, and the answer is I don't. No.That's the answer.
Okay, that's a good answer.
Because I would want to be careful that we weren't encouraging something.I would want to know the efficacy of what we were bringing up.
Yeah, so you're welcome to experiment on me, and then I'll report back, and if I still have eyesight, maybe we'll do that show.
That's a good idea.Adam, over here.Over here.What?What?Yeah, if you could just look over here.Paul, why don't you read our next one?
If your eyes are still working, because mine are shot.
Yeah, no, mine aren't.I think I have now like four different eye doctors for different things wrong with my eyes.What is that called when you have a specialty?A specialty.Like I go to a doctor for blue eyes.
Oh, that's very highly specialized and somewhat questionable medically.Yeah, no, it's very... and I also go to a blue-eyed doctor.It's very important that you match up.
People don't realize.You want a blue-eyed doctor for blue eyes.
Otherwise you're gonna fuck yourself up.
All right.Somebody writes to us and wants to know if we'd like to do a show.They would like us to do a show about online dating.Well, you know, I am and they said and how to do it safely, which I think, by the way, is a great
I think that's really important, the whole thing.All right, I am happily single, but I think Adam would be willing to try it out.Would you not, Adam?
No, Paula, because I am happily married, so I would not be trying out online dating.
Oh, come on, are you in one of those cloying relationships where you can't do online dating?
Yeah, I feel like that's a no-no in my marriage.
No, if you're just trying it out to see how it works and to make sure that our listeners would be doing it safely.Still, I would go with no on that one, no.
Oh, that's ridiculous.Well, why don't we have Bonnie do it?No, I don't want to do it, but you know, we could now, you know what?I'm so done with guys.No offense to Adam, but I'm just like, I'm not that interested anymore.It's so much effort.
And then you have to put up with somebody who's like, I don't know.I don't want to say they don't communicate well, but. I just, I have no desire.
You do want to say that we don't communicate well.I get it, Bonnie.We've definitely been working this angle for the last few shows, and I don't mind you saying it.It's okay.If you're done with men, you're done with men.
No, I mean, I don't want to say I'm done with them.I'm not interested.But Tony we could do, and then she could come back and give us reports on what her date was like.Oh, that's a good idea.
That's great.I mean, she was referring to something recently as like, go ahead and do it.Take a ticket to Boneville or whatever she said.
It made us all uncomfortable.Wait a minute, Al.I just see something else in this person's note.And let me, I just want to make sure I get there.
Yes, and this is from Proud Nobody Constance, I think.They said they've only been searching for a few weeks.There was a 67 year old man who posted that he'd been married 37 years, but his wife was uninterested in sex and told him to go elsewhere.
So you see, Adam, you could do the experiment.I am not 67.
I have not been told to go elsewhere for anything. I am not that man and I don't want to be that man.This is not my situation.
I am not insisting that you reveal the personal.I'm not even, you know what?La la la la.I'm not even listening to the personal ins and outs of your relationship.
I didn't say anything about ins and outs.
I don't want to know.I just, you could do this.You know what?Have a little faith in yourself.Come on, get back out there.
I don't want to get back out there.You're the one who literally doesn't date anybody, so you could date people.
I know, I just, I'm very, it would be wrong to suggest to someone that I was, you know, because people date because they're looking for sex.
That's true.And I'm not looking for sex.Constance, what we're telling you is, oh, one other thing Constance said, how about a site that matches single nobodies?That would be worth any price you charge.Now that is a great idea.
I think there's big liability in that.Well, that doesn't have to be liability.All I'm going to say is that nobodies are happily meeting online every day.They are.
They're doing so at our Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone Facebook page, which we run, the Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone fan club, which we don't run, and many of them are meeting by subscribing to our Patreon feed, wherein they get
exclusive videos, the ability to chat with each other in real time and with us occasionally, and go ahead to patreon.com, find Paula Poundstone, and you can join our Patreon team, and who knows?Love could be in the air.
And some of them even go up to the Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone Minnesotan Love Hut, where they copulate by the sperm actually being rattled.I feel like that was graphic enough the first time of rattling frozen sperm.
What is that word that I'm looking for, Adam?Jarred, jostled?No, it's like jiggle.Agitated?What is that word for?When the dinosaur outside the room would step and everything would, Oh.Vibrate.Vibrate.Vibrate.Vibrate.
Oh, look how Bonnie got- Wow.Bonnie got vibrate like that.Okay, so we have a couple of people that are wearing- Wow!
The gloves are off right here, people.The Mary Todd Lincoln gloves have come off and we needed to replace them anyway.And now we're vibrating our way to the end of the show.
Hey, everybody, keep those suggestions coming for guests for the show, because you know what?We have a lot of topics in mind, but we could always use help at this point. because this has been episode 330 of Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone.
Remember to follow us on Apple or wherever you get your podcasts.We're free.And that is our show.Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone is hosted by Paula Poundstone and yours truly, Adam LaFelber.Special thanks to our guest, Valerie Gugala.
That was so interesting. That was great, Valerie.Thank you, and thank you, Mary Luther.And to our house band, to our house band, Isabel Bushkald.
House band!Woo!Thank you, Isabel!
Good boy.Yeah.Our show is produced by Paula Poundstone, Adam Felber, Bonnie Burns, Ken Lezemnik, and Julie Berkobian.Our director of publicity and sailin' away is Tony Anita Hull, and we are edited by Vic Lowry.
That's our show for tonight.Won't somebody please listen to me? You know what I was wondering, Adam?What's that?Valerie was terrific in her information.Like, I believed the Glove Jones description of Mary Todd Lincoln.
I believed that she had a thing where she couldn't stop buying gloves.I know they found lots when they moved her out of the White House, but I had no idea that there was a, you know, there would be a reason for that.
I'm wondering still, I just can't imagine there's a man who was able to, you know, I still wonder if it didn't cause friction at the very least between, I wonder if Mary didn't say to Abe, I need a glove room.I need a goddamn glove room.
I think that's exactly, that's probably how she sounded it.
Abe!Abe!Abe! Yeah, that's exactly how she's- I need a glove room!
Harry, you don't need a glove room.I want equality for all, obviously, but not everybody can have a glove room.
Abe!Abe, I need a glove room!I need a goddamn glove room!I got- I got the backboard, the stageco- It's full!Our couch is full of gloves!Where am I gonna put them?
Uh, government, uh, by the people, for the people, and of the people.Abe!Abe!Abe!Can't just be buying you goddamn gloves every day, Mary!
Abe!X-Nay or the overman gets!Enough with the fucking gloves!I, you know, could I get your attention for just a few minutes, Abe?
I've got a war on here, Mary, and you're just talking gloves.Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk, a war.Oh, you're starting with your tsk, tsk, tsk again. I've got acromegaly, all right?You've got what?
It's the condition that makes my bones as elongated as they are, and it makes it difficult for me to move sometimes.
Oh, who told you that?You're just a big clunky thing.Stop it.Abe.Abe.That is insulting.Have you ever thought of joining a dating service?
But Mary, we're married.Why would I try to date you?
Oh, don't be silly.Go ahead.Go ahead.Go ahead.
No, Mary, I absolutely won't.Are you doing this just to get me out of the White House so that you can buy more gloves and fill my room with them?
Abe, I have to buy more gloves.I'm not building a glove room!
Abe, do you see these 300-and-something gloves? I was going to bring those up, yes.
Well, the only left hand.I have to now get 300-something right-hand gloves.No, just flip them over.Flip them over, Mary.
Oh, that's ridiculous.It's gonna hurt my thumbs.
They won't hurt your thumbs.They're so thin, you could see your nails through them.
It's gonna hurt my thumbs!Abe, do you see how it makes my thumb go the wrong way?Ow!Ow! Ow!
I have to take a coach to Gettysburg in 10 minutes and I'm trying to fucking write something, Mary.Do you mind?Oh, just write it on a napkin on your way.Alright, maybe I will.
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