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Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the minced beef of conversation, putting it in the bowl of the internet, and eating it like a huge bowl of meat cereal.Well, that's it.Yeah, simple.
Eating minced beef out of a bowl?Carnivore diet.That is Ed Gamble, my name is James Acaster.
Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favourite ever start, a main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.And this week our guest is...
Robert Popper!Robert Popper, one of the UK's finest comedy minds, James.
Yes, I'd say.I first became a fan of Robert's when I watched Look Around You.Yeah, what a show.As a scamp, and then got into The Time Waster Letters, his brilliant books.
And of course a lot of people know Friday Night Dinner, and will be huge fans of it, and ran for a very long time.Rare in this biz.
Very rare, but Robert is, well, he's, I'm gonna say it, national trez in terms of the stuff he's produced, James.
Yeah, he is absolutely national trez.He will have trez, trez I said.National trez.That's like trez leches.Yeah.Maybe.Puddings aren't far from the brain, are they?Always in there.
Also, Robert's got a new book now. The Elsie Drake letters aged 104.
That's in brackets aged 104.Elsie Drake is aged 104.Elsie Drake is an alter ego of Robert's.He's written loads of real letters to real people.Yes.And absolutely wasted their time in a hilarious way.
Some of these is absolutely mad what he's had people do and what people have been patient enough to converse with Elsie Drake about.It's so funny if you've not read the time waster letters as well you should absolutely read these.
This, I think, is taking it to the ultimate.It's so good.You will laugh throughout.And also, I really hope Robert talks to us about some of the stories behind these letters.
I had a brief chat with him about what it was like writing these and he got himself
in quite the pickle on more than one occasion.Fantastic, well hopefully he'll tell us about all the pickles and maybe he'll pick pickles.But you've not given him a quote for the book James, you do seem to like it.
He didn't ask me for a quote, I'm quite gutted to see that Greg Davis, Aisling B, James May Cooper, Matt Lucas, Simon Pegg, Katie Wicks, Richard Ayoade, all of those people were asked for quotes.
And they've all been on and off menu apart from Simon Pegg.
yes god this is a good podcast isn't it what a good podcast but i wasn't asked unfortunately if robert popper picks uh what what has happened to you what has happened to your voice benito knows what i wanted to do yes yeah well you can do that after yes you definitely should do that yeah yeah if robert popper picks a bottle of pickled peppers yes yeah
That should be the secret ingredient.
Yeah, so that should be it.We were gonna say jalapeno poppers because of his surname, but actually we should say if Robert Popper picks a pot of pickled peppers, then he's out.He's out of the dream restaurant.
Oh no, it's the best one we've ever done.It's the best one we've ever done!But hopefully Robert Popper will not pick a pot of pickled peppers.
Hopefully Robert Popper will not pick a pot of pickled peppers. Or he's out at the dream restaurant.
Well, let's find out if Robert Popper will pick a bottle of pickled peppers.He might do it!He might do it.He's got a funny sense of humour.Yeah.He might be on his way here thinking that'll be funny.Well, let's find out.
This is the off-menu menu of Robert Popper. Welcome, Robert, to the Dream Restaurant.
Thank you.Welcome, Robert Popper, to the Dream Restaurant.We've been expecting you for some time.
Can you do that louder, please?
Welcome, Robert Popper, to the Dream Restaurant.We've been expecting you for some time.Thank you so much.
Did you want it louder just to get the full experience?Did you feel like you didn't get the full Genie experience?
I just wasn't, I didn't quite get the shock I have normally when I listen to it.Because it just comes.But I can see you doing it.So I wanted a, I didn't get that shock, but I got the shock, I kind of got a shock, a residual shock the second time.
Yeah, I think so.That's the loudest I've ever done it.Yeah, definitely.
And this is the last episode ever. you know, it's going to be a podcast, an episode full of firsts, I think.
We were planning to announce that, Robert, but you've done it now.Yeah, I mean, do you want to explain to the listeners why it's the last ever since you wrote the story?
Well, they know what you guys said.You know, we all know what you said.Whether you agree or not, that's a different thing.I don't want to get involved in that.
But, you know, some of the things you've said, particularly recently, meant that this has been, you know,
We just think all viewpoints should be aired, regardless of whether we stand behind them or not.
I mean, that's one of your attitudes.Have you seen Douglas' cancelled?
No, still not seen it.Oh, well, there we are.No, I haven't.I said, yeah, but I thought we were making stuff up.
I haven't seen it.I haven't seen it either.I'm just going meta now.
Straight in.I thought it was something you'd made up and never heard of it before.So I thought, are we just making stuff up?You thought you'd go with it.Yeah, I thought we're still making... No, no, no, no.
It's actually, it's an ITV show about a man being... and I haven't seen it either.
Ah!Shout out to Karen Gillan.
Yeah. Yeah, big shout out.Do you want to shout out any other celebs before we crack on?
No, no, no, I'm ready now.
You can shout out a celeb if you want.I mean, what celebs should we do?Just say shout out and then the first celeb that comes into your mind.
First celeb, um, Nigel Farage.
Yeah, shout out.I can't even bring myself to say it.
I mean, that's what you, that's, you know, linked to what you said recently, so.
Yeah, to be fair.We're talking about the controversial comments that we've made.
And apart from this episode, of course, we will be releasing our Christmas special with, with Nigel.
I mean, it's going to be roast beef, isn't it?For every single course, yeah.Roast beef juice for the drink.
Or have it all mashed up in a bucket or something, you know.
Yeah, horrible.Big old trough.Yeah, in a little horse bag.Just found it on his nose.Totally.Just guzzling it.
Are you a foodie, Robert?I am not a foodie.I mean, obviously, here we go.Everyone says, I like food.I eat food.I exist. But my problem is this, right, my problem is most food in the world I don't like.
And I've done a list, I'm not going to read the list because, I mean, you can have the list at the end because I know one of those foods, because there's so many, will be the food that gets me evicted.
right okay you're allowed to you would be allowed to mention it's just as long as it's not on your menu oh okay okay well i'll take it out later maybe yeah yeah yeah okay there is a list because you made a list of food that you don't like well i i've always wanted to do this list because my wife said it's ridiculous there's nothing you like and i go i know there's nothing i like because when i go to a restaurant i see people going oh i could have that and i'm like
right, well I can't have that, can't have that, what can I have, I can't have that, oh it's got that in it, oh I can't have that, oh I'll have that then and that then.So it's sort of, you know, 40% pleasure, but 60% stress.
But the list of things you don't like, they're sort of fairly common things that crop up in a lot of dishes.Oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
But when you say can't have that, is it because diet, like you're allergic?
No, no, no, I could eat anything, you know, I mean I'll eat wood. I can't eat glass.You know, fish.
Fish, anything in the sea.I can't do that one.
That's quite a plain, ordinary thing not to like, isn't it?Or not?
I think a lot of people don't like fish.Yeah, I think that's fair.Yeah, I've met people who don't like fish before.Or people who don't like fish if it's too fishy.
Yeah, people go to you, what about smoked salmon?I go, that's fish.And they go, what about prawns?
No, that's... Fully blanket, no fish.
Yeah, nothing in the sea, for taste and weirdness reasons.
They're just weird, aren't they?Fish, you know?Just sea, yeah.I remember the first time I went snorkelling.I mean, I had a snorkel on.It was in Antigua.And I couldn't, when I went under, I saw, you know, thousands of fish.
And it was like, fucking hell, this is going on.All this shit's going on while we're up here.It's got a whole different universe. It's an outrage, basically.That was one of the extra things that I can't eat.They're too weird.
It's just like they're alien.They're kind of alien and weird.
See, that's interesting that your reaction to realising there's a whole other universe going on down there wasn't, wow, that's amazing.
It was amazing, but then no one told me this.This much was going on everywhere.Fish everywhere.Like, Jellyfish.Yeah.I don't know.There might be a shark here.I don't know.There's just so much going on.Meanwhile, we're just out of the water.
We're living and they've got their stuff there.
Like properly intense living.Yeah.And yeah, that kind of blew my mind.
But then it angered me a little bit.
It got you a bit angry.Yeah.It was a bit of an outrage.
And that meant you didn't want to eat them.It's definitely cemented my, I can't eat these crabs.Because of how much is going on.Yeah. And that's fairly like, if you're snorkeling, that's just there, right there.
Yeah, right, that's what I mean, right there.
But what do you think about those bits of the ocean that humans have never even explored and no one really knows what's going on down there?
Well, you mean the ones where David Attenborough pretends to be in the thing going to the bottom?I need them, I need them, those alien fish.
The ones with the lights on their head.
The ones with the lights on their head, yeah.What do I think about, well that's an outrage, it's all an outrage.The ocean is just an outrage, isn't it really?I think we'd all agree with that.
Well, I mean, I don't know, I think if fish found out what we were up to,
I think they... Up on dry land, they'd be more outraged than us when we find out what they're up to.
I think they wouldn't get much time to process it, because as soon as they're on dry land... That's it.That's it, innit?
Yeah.Maybe that's why.Maybe they could breathe, but they're just so shocked they may be dying.
And there's dive shock a lot of the time.There's gasping.
Yeah, maybe it's that.Maybe it's shock.
Yeah, yeah.They can't believe all the stuff we're doing.
and they saw a podcast, that would be just too much.
It sounds a bit like a fishing thing, doesn't it?
A Codcast.What about that?That's a good one.
That's a good one, eh?A Codcast.Have you ever thought about doing one about them, like a spin-off, off-menu, about that?That's not bad.
Just talk about fish every time, and what's going on down there.Yeah, and the meals you could make, you know. You wouldn't be a guest on that one because you famously don't like food.I'd be a bad guest.
Also, before we get into your proper menu and food, we must talk about the Elsie Drake letters because this is very exciting.For those who don't know, you've been writing books for quite a while.Absolutely.
I'd say every comedian in my generation has read and loved your Time Waster letters.Thank you.And they're a big part of the comedy furniture.Furniture?
Furniture.That's all I've got.For comedians of our age.Do you want to talk about, let listeners know what the Elsie Drake Letters is?What the idea is?
Oh, thank you, James.Yeah, it was, well, I did these stupid books, The Time Waste of Letters, years ago, pretending to be a man called Robin Cooper.And I wrote to stupid British, like, hobby groups.
I don't know, the National Table Tennis Association or whatever.And when I finished doing them, I loved it so much, I wanted to do more. and I thought of a different character years ago.And I started piddling around with her for a bit.
Her name's Elsie Drake.She's 104 and the sixth oldest woman in Britain.And she's just been given a computer, so it's sort of chaos.She doesn't really know how to use it.And I started doing them for fun.I wrote to Tony Blair.
I got signed to Elsie, wishing you better.I think she broke her ankle or something.And then I put it away and I kept doing it for a bit over the years.And then last year, I suddenly thought, you know what?I'm gonna write this, finish this book.
So I wrote hundreds of letters.I always put a £5 note in all the letters, it cost me a fortune.So they write back, you know, out of guilt.And I wrote to, you know, lots and lots of different people.I did quite a lot of food-based things.
So she'd write to Greg, she, me, and making pies.So I did a pie which was, I can't remember what it was, but I think it had tuna, suet, right?Tuna, I had to handle tuna, suet.And I think it has kidney and a piece of banana in it.
And I made these pies, they're called priest's fingers.So that was my great-grandma used to make them.My wife would come and go, what is that smell?Oh, I'm making these pies, okay.And then I'd package them up.
I'd write to Greg, say, would you stock these?They're delicious.And I'd go to the post office, and they'd always say, what's in the envelope? I just have to say, socks or something like that, you know, for a cousin.
They don't know there's like a disgusting, stinking pun.They'd write back, we don't want that.And then I'd do another pie.And then for Wimpy, I made like burgers.She loves the Wimpy burgers so much that we had a Wimpy party to raise money for Wimpy.
I see my wife didn't know as she came home to find out what I'd done was I'd put like a little table in the garden and adorned it with Union Jack flags with signs saying Wimpy burgers, one pound each.
And I made wimpy burgers out of this old mince we had in the fridge.I used that.I bulked it out with spaghetti, carrots, big pieces of carrots, cooked that in the oven.
And then with two pieces of white bread, buttered on top, and I laid them out on dishes.And she said, you know, the neighbors can see.So they get to send that. So there's a lot of meat and food.Yeah, and it's all about her life.
And she lives with this mad woman called Mrs. Hale, who they clearly hate each other.There's a lot of tit for tat.Like there's a lot of like, when she wasn't looking, I poured ink in her bed and stuff like this.
But people write back probably a bit through guilt.But yeah, and that's the book.
Did you find it easier to get responses when you're a 104 year old woman?
I found it really hard because people just don't write letters.So I had to write, I wrote 644 letters for the book.I was like, that's mad. My exercise was walking to the post box with like 20 letters and dropping them in at £5.
Sometimes, sometimes though, just occasionally I put £35 in.And I say, I'm closing £35, is that enough?Please don't send us any more money.
Okay, the sort of the maddest one was, I wrote to Theresa May when she was Prime Minister in 2018, I did a big block of these and I said, I want to be your maid-in-waiting, whatever that is, you know, I'll do the maid stuff, I'm your maid-in-waiting, and talks about how her and her friend Bessie Bates used to, who's 99, and used to clear up this old house and it was full of rats and maggots, it's foul, and she gets
abscesses and things like that.Anyway, and I send money, and they write back, thank you very much, we don't need a maid-in-waiting for Theresa May, and please, you know, don't send any money.And I write again, I think I wrote three times.
Anyway, I was out at a meeting, and my wife phoned, sorry to interrupt you, can I talk to you a second, I just had to knock at the door, I open the door and there's two police officers.
Hello, we've been sent by 10 Downing Street, Theresa May's office, yes. Is there a lady here called Mrs. Elsie?This is the first of quite a lot of visits, by the way.And she said, sort of, why?
Concerned there's a very old, maybe confused lady who's been sending money, wanting to be her maid-in-keeping, my wife had to say. Oh, that's my husband.He's a comedy writer.Oh, okay.Okay, then.All right.So, he's a comedy writer.Okay."
And then they left.And then we had another visit from the police after I wrote to... I can't remember where it was.It was somewhere like Blenheim Palace, saying, on 104, I'm planning a very big party.
to celebrate my 110th birthday in six years' time.And we had the police around for that.No, in fact, that wasn't the police.This is the worst one.That was social services.
Social services turned up our house, and they said, hello, I'm here from social services assessment team.We just thought the kids.And go, why, we reason to believe there's a 104-year-old woman in this house, and we need to check her safety.
And I had to go, I'm a comedy writer.My name's Robert Popper.She said, can I see your ID?I got ID'd in my own house. And when I said, do you want to come in?
She goes, yes, because I need to check every single room and cupboard in the house for this old lady.
Okay, so I let her around the whole house and I opened every cupboard and she said at the end, you've proved to me that you do not have a label called Elsie Draker's 104 Living House.And I said, do you want a copy of the book?
And she said, no, thank you.There's just loads of visits.
Yeah.I'm glad that it's reassuring that they are doing their job.
That's what I mean.People are very kind.
That's why I say they were, they were kind.I got a lot of gifts, which I gave to charity.Yeah, it was, you know, flowers, lots of flowers.It all leads up to a wedding, she meets a man called Mr. Ralph Roberts, who's 100, a younger man.
And people get invited to a wedding and they got flowers.Penny Morton sent loads of food. The head of Land Rover wanted to pay for all the transport to the wedding and I got flowers from him.It's insane.It was insane.
You'd be an amazing fraudster if you ever want to stop doing books.
You can be as ludicrous as you like and people will... Exactly.
Maybe I should do it for bad rather than almost good.
We always start with still or sparkling water.
Oh really?I don't know.I haven't heard this.How does it work? Well, I'm not the first to say sparkling is awful.I mean, it's just ridiculous.It's not, that shouldn't be, that's not a drink, is it, really?I think it is a drink.
I mean, it is a drink.Well, I mean, it is a drink.
But it shouldn't be served as a drink, because to me, first of all, it tastes like if you've left a 2P in the water for a few days, and the bubbles are just oxidizing, like the metal oxidizing, and they're like, This is science now.Oxidising bubble.
That's what it tastes like.So when you drink it, it almost hurts your mouth.I'm going to say.It's just, you know, that sort of... It's like an elastic band hitting the top of your roof of your mouth.Have you ever had that?
I've had an elastic band hit the roof of my mouth.Never before.No, I don't think I have.
No, I haven't.But I imagine it's just nasty.
I'm wondering if at school, you know, when people fire rubber bands around the classroom, whether I ever open my mouth and one went in there.
Oh, that would be proper bingo, that would be.That would be perfect.
That would be proper bingo.
Proper bullseye even.They say bingo now in darts.That would be proper bingo, mate.I think it is bingo now, definitely.In darts, yeah.They've changed it.They modernise the game.
They read out numbers and all the darts players have a card, and if they hit all of their numbers then it's proper bingo.
180?Whatever that is.Whatever that is.
It seems like you don't like things where there's too much going on under the surface.So the ocean, sparkling water.
I suddenly remember talking about sparking water when I was about 12.And when I said the sentence out to my wife, I realised there's something weird in it.But we, our neighbours, lent us a soda stream.That's weird, isn't it?
And it was in our lounge on the, like, cabinet, like Pride of Place.And my mum said, don't touch that.That's Roy and Anne's.
yeah she passed the driving test on her 13th time and crashed into our wall so you're not to play with that obviously i played with that coca-cola syrup is foul yeah but um my dad used it to make fizzy water when they had like guests around because it was kind of quite suburban isn't it that's what they did it's cheaper yeah i don't know what they traded it in for or when they gave what the agreement was you can have it for a month or we have to come around and use it
But I made, um, I wanted to know what fizzy milk tastes like.
Is that a thing?Have you done that?
It's what everyone wants to know.
I think when I was a kid I thought, what would fizzy, you think about that, right?
What would fizzy milk taste like?Do you remember?
Well, I don't think I ever did it.
Oh, well I did it.Yeah.Yeah, and it is bad. It's bad, and it bubbles up quite thick.And my mum found me and I got in a lot of trouble for that.
She clogged it up and said, Roy and I are not going to be living.
He did have a temper though.Because someone, one of my parents' friends commented on his wife's driving once. Which, as we know, is bad.She was bad at driving.She was really bad.And 13th time.13th time.
And he said something to her like, probably learn to drive.So it was my parents' friend who was coming round and then got knocked on the door and it was Roy and he had like, clearly had some anger issue and he was like, fucking mad.
And there was going to be a fight.There wasn't a fight, but there was almost a fight.
Yeah, he had a temper.Again, something bubbling beneath the surface.
Exactly, yeah.Just like the ocean and almost sparkling water.Roy's the ocean.
So you're having still water?
I'm having still water, yeah.
Salt maybe, Robert?Like in that programme.I'm going to have tap water.
Seriously though, you did that as a kid?Yeah.You and your brother?
Yeah, we did, yeah.Yeah, water was used a lot.You can ruin a meal easily.Just a glass of water on the plate, it's gone.You know, it's dead.That's what my brother Johnny, that's what he used to do.
just pour your water on your nails.
We actually did a weird thing.When I had a bit more hair, we used to pull bits of our hair out and we would put them in my dad's glass of water sometimes for when we had a Friday night dinner.
It was just a weird, horrible joke and we never told him what we were doing and you would see him like halfway through the meal just going, picking his tongue like, what?What is in my water?And that was our private joke for a long time.
Yeah, that's disgusting.It's bad, isn't it?That's a good trick, is what I thought.
You'd like that.Yeah, yeah.
You should try it.I will try that.Yeah, do that.You could do it on James.Yeah.
Okay, poppadoms for Italian, bread for curry.I will have bread, actually.I want a specific type of bread.I'm going to take a step back, because I don't like much food, much food, most food, I said, because I don't like most food.
It's really hard to choose like your dream, dream meal.So I think the feel of my meal should feel more like a meal I'd enjoy if I was in a dream.I think it's a bit like that.
You know, because you see people, they go, I had the most beautiful, my brother, the most amazing meal.It was amazing.Shows me pictures of his food.
I'm never like, yeah, I had a really nice, it was nice, but I can't even remember what the best meal I ever had is.So I'm just going to go on.I would enjoy that.And I'd probably enjoy the weirdness of the meal as well.
So that's going to be my dream restaurant.
Is this less of a dream meal, more of a meal dream?
It's both.It's like a meal I could have in a dream and go, oh, I had the best dream ever.And the meal was amazing.Listen to what I had and where it was.And then the person I'm telling it to, because dreams aren't interesting, go, oh, wow, amazing.
But I would feel like that was the best meal I ever had.Because you couldn't go into a restaurant and have like this setting and these choices.First of all, I'm going to have a toaster on my I want a toaster on my table.It's called a table, isn't it?
It's your dream.Yeah.Call it what you like.
But they have them in dreams as well.It could be a table, it could be whatever.Yeah, you've dreamt about table.We all dream about tables in dreams.
If I had a dream, a table would never stay a table, I don't think.
Because you look down and then it's something completely different.You're right.
That's the thing about dreams, isn't it?Yeah.They're not consistent.They change.They do.
What are we on?We're on bread, aren't we?There's a Jewish bread called chola, don't know if you've ever had it, plaited bread.That's my favourite bread.It's beautiful.Toasted, best thing in the world.
So I'm going to have, I want my own toast, I'll tell you why, because people don't know how to toast it, because it's got sugar in it and it burns.
And I know how to do it, low setting, I want my own toaster, I want the loaf, and I'll cut it and I'll eat half a loaf, toasted butter, beautiful.
What's the secret to toasting it?
Just cut the bread, put it in the toaster, turn the toaster low, the toaster low, and it's done.
Are you good at it to the extent that you can just put it on the low setting and one and done, or are you checking?
No, I will do lots of checking.And also, turning it off at the mains, putting spoons in and pulling them out when it's all fucked up.
Yeah, of course.Thank you for being safe and turning it off at the mains.
You do that thing with the spoons and you just think, it is off, isn't it, the toaster?
Yeah.If I want to check the toast, I'll probably just hit the cancel button
But I mean, if it gets stuck in the toaster, I don't normally just put it on and then turn it off and stick the spoons in.I do know that, like, I know the lever works.It gets stuck in, like, bent.Because it's quite a floppy bread.
I'll just tip the toaster upside down and just sort of bash it on the sides.So what's the dream aspect of this one then?
Dream Aspect probably hasn't started yet.
No, because this is just the bit, this is sort of the pre-meal bit, isn't it?Just a bit of toast, a bit of toast, just, you know, a bit of bread, toast.I mean, I'm allowed to toast, aren't I?Yeah.I'm allowed.
That's bread.You are allowed, yeah, yeah.
It's just easing me into the meal.
Because, you know, you get the roll, they bring around the rolls and things.Yeah.And they have seeds on, I don't want those.They have nuts in, don't eat nuts.Or they'll say, this is our tomato bread, tomato bread.Yeah, yeah.
It's just, that's not food, is it? Tomato bread?That's just words, isn't it?
You don't like seeds on the bread?
Not really, no.And nuts?No, I don't like nuts, any nuts.Coconuts?That's not a nut.Or is it a nut?
Hmm, is it actually a nut?I don't think it is.You wouldn't get a bag of coconuts, would you?
A sack of coconuts, please, from Tesco.
Put on one of those things behind the bar in the pub, clipped up.
Yeah, I'd have one of them.
Try the rest of the coconuts, please.
But you like coconut, but you don't like nuts.
No, I don't like nuts.They always say, I ask if he has nuts in, and they always say, you're allergic.Every time I say, no, I just don't like nuts.
Do you ever get any attitude back?
Yeah, you don't like nuts.Why don't you like nuts?I don't like the taste.
I really like your list of things you don't like.It's whole categories as well.So you're not specific about it.So it's like fish, nuts, they're just all gone.
Yeah, they're gone.It's sad.Because I could be enjoying life more.
We'll get into your menu proper now then.So now we're entering the dream.I'd say the toaster on the table has a
It has a Dali-esque quality to it, one would say.Slightly off-beat, isn't it?
Yeah, we could have it that it's not even plugged in at the main.But it still works?It still works, you can put whatever you like in there.I love that.And you'll be fine.
Yeah, no mains, just dream power.
It kind of gallops along the table like a little horse.
Yeah, lovely.Yeah, we'll do that.
Great, it's a horse toaster.It's your dream starter.
Okay.You won't be surprised.I don't want a starter.Okay.I'm going to have a starter, but I don't like starters.There's no need.I will eat food.There is going to be a meal in this episode.But I don't like starters.I don't, I don't see the point.
I think a meal is, you have your main, you get that done and then you get your reward, which is dessert.And you do, yes.You do not need a starter.You don't have a starter at home when you sit down and have a starter.
I have a starter and then I'll have a main.I just don't, I don't get that.
If I have a takeaway, I have a starter.
What starters do you have?
Well, it depends what takeaway I get.
Do you have a curry?Do you have a starter?Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I get an onion bhaji or a prawn puri.And I'll... This doesn't annoy my wife because she puts everything all on the same plate.
Oh, I like that.That's good.
And I'll... We'll put it all out in the kitchen.Say we're having a curry and I've got onion bhajis, maybe a prawn puri.I'll put that on a plate, go through to the other room, eat it.They'll be like, oh, I've had my starter now.
Then I go back to the kitchen and serve myself my food.
Oh, OK.That is pretty good.Yeah, that's pretty good.
I do have a starter at home, yeah.
You seem to find every bit of that amusing, Robert.When you were listening to that, you were merely... Can you tell me that again?
I'm just painting you a picture of my home life.I'll do it with a different... So if I get Turkish food, I'll get halloumi.
I'll put that on the plate, I'll go through to the other room, I'll eat the halloumi and then I'll go back and I'll have the kebab.Oh, you do it like you're in a... You separate the things.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.And you actually move location.Yes.Right.So you won't bring the main in with... What rooms are you going from to? So your food is in the bathroom?
Food's in the kitchen.Okay.And then I'll go through to the sitting room.
I'll eat the food there.But you've got a dining table in your kitchen though.
Is this where you watch in front of the TV?
He loves the TV.I'm not going to sit in the kitchen.
So you go in and watch your soaps?
Yeah, yeah.Two curries on a Wednesday.
And I'll eat my starter.And then you'll walk in.And then I'll go to the kitchen and I'll get the rest of it.
Yeah. Yeah my kitchen you can't sit and eat anything anyway, it's a small kitchen.
Why don't you take it all in then into the TV room and then just dish it out?
Yeah I'll just take it all into the TV room because we've got a little table in there so let's put it all on there.I don't want to dish out in the same place.
I know what you mean as well, it's a hard one that.Just don't have a starter. No starter.You don't need a starter.
But if I had a starter, OK, if I had a starter... You don't have to have one.No, no, no.I've been thinking it through.I would have soup.I like soup.I like chicken soup.I like vegetable soup.But it's weird.I can't really have soup in a restaurant.
I feel it's kind of... it makes you look quite vulnerable. You know, just like, it ages you 30 years, first of all.Just a hot soup and everyone's looking at you with your soup.
So that's more like something you have at home with your partner and it's cold and you go, oh nice soup, it was lovely soup.Yeah, you just talk about the soup, lovely soup, that was lovely, I'd have that.
But in a restaurant, I don't want to have soup.
What about it makes you feel vulnerable, do you think?And why do you think everyone's looking at you while you have your soup?
I just always feel when I have a soup in a restaurant that I just look, you know, I just look older.I look, you know, what am I now, 26?I just feel like it just makes you look like an old person having soup in a restaurant.It's not a good look.
I think people pity the soup drinker, that's what I think.That's what I'd say.I think it's pity. I could choose if no one's there then, couldn't I?You could, yeah.I could have no one there.
Or you could eat, you know, like the the haute lait thing, that French dish where they eat it under a blanket because they're so ashamed by how disgusting it looks.
It's this tiny little bird.Yeah, they don't want God to see them eating this tiny little bird, yeah.
What's wrong with the bird?Is it alive?
Well it's just so small and beautiful that it's like considered a shameful thing to eat because it's delicious but it's like a whole little bird.They're eating it whole.
They're eating it whole so they put a blanket over the head so God can't see the meat in it.
And it's cooked, it's a cooked bird?
Yeah I think, well I've never seen it.Do they eat it whole?I think the beak and everything yeah.
And this is a thing now?This happens now?
I think it's more of a thing in the past, but it was on Succession, right?Yeah, they did it on Succession.It's an episode of Succession where Tom Bombscans does it.But you could do that with Soup.
Yeah, no, I think people would look at me even more.I know they would be looking at me.
Do you tuck a napkin into your collar?
I can't do that.Yeah, that's too... Do you put a napkin?It's demeaning.
It is demeaning, but yeah, I do do it.
But I know what I'd have.
Before dinner at home, around six, I always get a bit peckish, hungry, you know, that word, and I will have a bowl of cereal.This is my drink, this is what I want.I'm allowed it.I'm going to have a bowl of cereal.
I'm going to have a bowl, right, with 50% cornflakes, they're going first, 50% Rice Krispies.I know it's fucking mad, but I'm going to have this.
Yeah.Honey.Yeah.I don't want it served with the thing that's shaped, the wooden thing with the thing that looks like, you know, like bees on the end and it drips everywhere.Squeezy honey on it.Told oat milk.
Now, in terms of soup age- I would really enjoy that.Soup ages you 30 years.Yeah.Does cereal have the opposite effect?
It would knock a month off.But no one's going to be looking.But I could choose who's there if not.Could I have a button, like you know when you see sometimes it says call for champagne, could I have a button and it changes the people?
Yeah, sure. So who do you want watching you?
Well, I know who I want, yes.Yeah, yeah.Because I saw these people in a restaurant and I had a meal about five years ago with Tom Rosenthal and Simon Burr from Friday Night Dinner.We had a disgusting meal somewhere.All the food was awful.
It was brilliant.And sitting at a table about four away from us was Alistair Campbell, you know, the Labour, with Mick Hucknall.
Wow.Yeah.They were together.
They were together having dinner.So I want them, but like every table has them, like 20 tables.
All there eating, having different conversations.I can't quite hear them.I don't know if they're talking about politics or music and it's quite annoying, but interesting.And I'll have them there and they can watch me eat.
So 20 tables of Mick Hucknall and Alistair Campbell.
while i'm having my cereal just so i can tell people afterwards i had the freakiest meal yeah i had cereal and 20 replica make hucknalls and alistair campbell as well were watching me eat are they moving in sync are they all no they're not moving and so they're all having their own yeah they don't even know they don't see themselves you know that's me yeah they're just in like their own little void having different conversations yeah i can never quite hear them yeah i wonder what they were doing together i don't know
Maybe Mick Hucknall was the original, he was supposed to do the rest of his politics instead of Rory Stewart, that was the original meeting.Could have been, yeah.
Could have been that, couldn't it?
Could have been that, yeah.
Would it be more successful or less successful?
I feel like it's the opposing Labour Conservative that makes that show work, and you can't have both of them being simply right.
Oh, beautiful.I mean, beautiful.
That was, I mean, come on.If this was live, that would be it, wouldn't it?And then someone would heckle something about 15 seconds later that's not quite as funny.Yeah, someone would try and do it again.A simply read song that doesn't quite work.
The name.I can't think of what that is.
Fairground.Yeah, that definitely doesn't work.That joke was Fairground. The bowl of cereal, you say 50-50, because it's a dream, we can make anything happen.Do you want the divide to happen horizontally or vertically?Do you want it?
No, I'm going to go horizontal.
Really?Yeah.I would want a vertical.
Well, it's a dream.We may as well just have two bowls.We can make this happen for you, that you've got half and half from the top.
was saying that when me and Peter Serafinowicz used to write Look Around You, our treat at the end of the day was we'd buy a Mars bar, right, and we'd cut it in half vertically and call it a Vars bar.And that was our treat.
So maybe in honour of that I should do this, you know, have it vertical.
I love the insanity that people go through when they're writing stuff.
Come on, you know what it's like.It was our Vars bar.We'd have it one a day.He did a thing which was something like, All the fun of a Mars, in a mist.It's like a Mars spray, that you spray into your mouth.
What is it, if a Mars a day helps you work, rest and play, right?
Oh, right.Just wondering what a Vars did.
Yeah, what does a Vars do?
I don't know what it is.I could work out what it rhymes with.You've got to leave this in.This is no way coming out.You've got to leave this.I just don't know, James.I don't know the answer to that.I don't have a funny answer to that.
It's okay.Tell you what, I think it takes a grown-up to admit that.It's very mature of you.Thank you very much.
I wish more guys said that.
You're a comedy writer, but you've admitted.
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So your dream main course?
Yeah, my dream main course.So my dream main course is, it's like, it's something I like and it's not, this is normal.
You know, it's normal, it's normal food.So again, we're still not really in this, but this dream that you're talking about is mainly applying to the guests at the minute, the crazy guests.
Well, now the restaurant is the setup of my grandma's old tiny flat.
OK.So you press the button.
I press the button.The mighthugnaughts, they're like eviscerated.They vanish.They're eviscerated.I don't know if they're eviscerated, but they're gone.
Maybe they're eviscerated.
Maybe they are, maybe we don't know.But they're gone.And now it's my grandma, who I loved.She was great.And in her tiny flat, I'm in a tiny flat now, and my grandma was insane.
And I can do a voice, so like, I mean, I could phone my mum up and she would have long chats with me and it's perfect.I would even phone my grandma sometimes and talk back to her in her voice and her brain would go, what?
So she escaped from the Nazis, basically, and came over here.
So, and she... She spoke like this, it's wonderful to be here.Wonderful.This isn't strange that I'm talking like this now.
says, that's my grandma.So I'm going to be in a flat and she's going to serve me my favorite comfort meal when I went there.It was either meatballs, which are on the list.Don't like them.That was bad because they were big.
Do you like meatballs?Yeah, yeah.Cause they were big.Is that why?There's more of them.So there's meatballs or you get the good one, which was, so she had this tiny, tiny little kitchen, tiny,
And if you took one step in there, she'd go, no, go away, go away, leave me, go inside.She didn't want you in the kitchen.It was tiny.No, it's not nice.Now sit down, go, go.It's not nice, yeah.
So you sit down, and then she'd wheel the trolley through, there'd be a trolley, and she used to make, she'd have this like cast iron saucepan, and she'd make these like square steaks, and she'd cook them in, I don't know, it must be in East European, like loads of paprika,
and flour, that'd be like a crust, and she'd make these little potatoes, she'd boil them, and then she'd cook them in with the steak, and I'd have them, and green beans.That was my meal.
And while I'd eat them, she'd say to me, why are you not eating some meat?
I said, well, I'm saving it till the end.No, you should eat the good thing first.What if a bomb, or if you have to escape?
Well, okay, hopefully there won't be a bomb I have to escape.So it was kind of like a sort of third generation Holocaust trauma meal dream, that's what it is at the moment.
But that's what I want.Okay, so first of all that's a very nice memory.
Yeah, but also she would sometimes, and she did this regularly to me and my brother Johnny, she'd go, she'd be in the kitchen, she'd come out and she'd have an onion in her hand, peeled.
Do you like an onion? Would you like an onion to eat raw?Yes.No thank you.Why?You don't like some?To me it is like a juicy apple.
And then she would eat the onion in front of us and me and my brother would be watching this very elderly, short, quite tan lady with dyed blonde hair eat an onion from beginning to end in front of us.
That's a power move, is what that is.
I'm telling you, it's a power move.It's intimidating.
Would she maintain eye contact as well for the whole thing?
There was full eye contact while the horse racing was playing on the TV behind.
Maybe a Margulies does that.
Eats a full onion.Does she really?Yeah, yeah.She mentioned it on this podcast and every time she's been interviewed since, it made her do it.Wow, maybe she's my grandmother.That would be a real twist.
I think Margulies could be your grandmother.
Even though my grandma's not alive.
Yeah, and you know what your grandma looked like.
Yeah, so it's definitely not her, is it?Would you ask?You must have a... I can ask her.You've got her contact details, haven't you, Ben?Yeah, we'll ask.
Do you want to ask her now?
You could do it.You went on the phone before, you could do it.
Yeah, I could just text Margaerys, are you Robert Popper's grandmother?
Yeah, she'd probably answer.Is it just a cut of steak?Is it like a square cut of steak?
It was square.I don't know what meat, I mean, I know what meat it was, it was beef.Yeah. It wasn't horse and it was just a square, juicy piece of meat with loads of paprika.It was quite sort of spicy-ish.It had this crust on it.Oh, it was delicious.
You really loved the crust.
Yeah, the crust made your eyes light.I mean, I can cook a nice steak and it doesn't have a crust on it, but this was the only one I had.Have you ever had a steak that has a crust on it, like with flour?No.It's nice.
Yeah, I feel like I'm getting that feeling.It was really nice.Yeah.
I've never had it, but like, I've never even heard of it before, but both times you've mentioned the crust and you've been like,
Yeah, because I hadn't thought about it.I was thinking, what will I eat?What food?I eat so much chicken.I can't eat chicken.Oh, this.Yeah, I'll have this.Yeah.With her watching me, telling me to hurry up before the bomb.
Yeah.That's a real generational way of thinking about the order you should eat your food.
Yeah, have you heard that one before?Have the good stuff first.Yeah.
Because I was told, save the best stuff till last.I was told.But my mum always used to do that.She said when she was a kid, save the good stuff till last.But then there were like loads of other kids at the table.
So they just lean over and nick it when she was saving it.That doesn't feel fair, does it?It's not fair.It's a cruel world.
It is a cruel world.But I still did it, I still stuck to it.Grandma was, she was like obsessed with, when I was little, like three, because I didn't eat anything quite today, so she would try to make me eat.
And she used to give me, I remember this, I haven't had it since, I was foul already, Ribena and milk.That is what I'd be given.And she would try and make me drink that because she thought it's got sugar in and milk and it's good for you.
And if I was really unlucky, she'd mix an egg in it.So it'd be ribena milk and an egg.That's what I got.
You've had more weird milk experiments than most people I've met.
You're right, yeah.You've had milk every which way.I have.
Ribena and milk.Also it curdles.
It's interesting that it curdles, but you don't want to then drink it.
No, you don't want to then drink it.I imagine the egg binds it some way.
Yeah, it's sort of a browny-purple drink, which is never a good colour, really.
Do you like milk these days?No, that's on the list.
I'm an oat milk man.I'm a media milk man.You know, it's a media drink, isn't it?
Earl Grey with oat milk.That's what I have.That's not good, is it?That's my tea of choice.I mean, it's good.
I would say, for someone who's very picky about food, Earl Grey is quite surprising.
I think I've gone off normal tea now.
We used to do a shot when we were teenagers which curdled you do a shot of Bailey's Into your mouth hold it in your mouth Then a quarter shot of lime juice in there and then shake your head around and it curdles in your mouth It's called a cement mixer.
How would you see it?You'd feel the bits it curdling.Oh, yeah.Yeah.
Did it when he was a teenager?Yeah the cement mixer
Well, me and my friends, we invented a drink that I think is worse.It's called a Tominto, and it's tomato juice and creme de menthe.And that curdles, and that is foul.
And we were writing something years ago, and we came up with that's the drink of their choice. And then we went, after about five years later, we met up.We've never had one.We went to a pub in Soho, the Jon Snow.We went, normal pub, went in there.
Come on, you say, you say, hello, a pint of lager, please, and a tomato.And the guy was just laughing, was just chatting to people.Sorry, what was that?Tomato, what's that?It's tomato juice and creme de mousse.He goes, okay.
And he just poured the tomato juice and went over, did the shot of Crenshaw and went, 160 please, years ago.And it was this brownie red curdled drink and it's like a tomato mint alcoholic taste and it's foul.Yeah, that's not good.
I mean, you've got to try it.
It's worth it.Green, it's got to be green Crenshaw.And you can get them at the Jon Snow.Yeah, Jon Snow does it, yeah.Well, I think it's still 160.Yeah, yeah.
That does the best one you've ever had, right?To Minto, yeah.I asked Bill Nye for directions to the Jon Snow.
You direct me from here?Yeah.And what did he say?
It's quite a specific thing to ask.And how did he say it?You know, do you Bill Nye? I don't.It's not bad.I'm afraid I don't.
It's a bit Ronnie Corbett.I think he actually said, I can't say that I do.Yeah, that's good.
That would be the line they give him.Yeah.He'd probably say, if the line said, I'm afraid I don't, he would say, I prefer to say it like that.
Yeah.Yeah.I believe you now.
Now you have to press a button now and your grandmother's going to disappear.How do you feel about that?
That's fine.She's had her use, you know, she can be eviscerated.
Yeah.I've got to get eviscerated.We weren't sure, were we?Yeah.
And there's like a, you know, 10% chance that they are, but I'll take that risk.
So I pressed the button and she's gone.
And where are you now?Have a look around, because it's side dish time.
I'm back in the restaurant.I don't know where I am now, but I'm in some restaurant.Yeah, maybe a French restaurant.Yeah, in France.You like France?Yeah, I like France.
How often do you go to France?
Once a year.Same place, three years running.Maybe this will be the last time we go there.It's probably going, you know what, we've been here enough now.But South France.Lovely.Very nice.Do you like France, lads?
I was going to be using the travel one you do as well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.Off-road.
Very good, there's some ideas here, isn't there?Off the beaten path.For Plosive, the company.Yeah, yeah, yeah.What do you think, Ben?It's good, isn't it?Off-road, yeah.
I like it.Yeah, it's good.You and Bill Nye, walking the streets of Soho.
Me seeing if he can find his way around.
Yeah, he doesn't know anywhere, he doesn't know them anywhere, do you know where, anywhere, doesn't know where anywhere is.Can't say that he does.Can't say that I do.
That's a good format, isn't it?Taking Bill Nye to places that he's never been before and asking him if he knows his way around.
Yeah, yeah, he has to find it, there's no GPS.Well, you've got to find it, Bill.That's good.Yeah, that is good.I mean, it genuinely probably is quite good as well.Yeah, it is quite good, yeah.He's in Taiwan, you're in Taiwan.
I mean, it'd get greenlit, for sure.
I don't think it'd feel like he does have a smartphone anyway.
No, I don't think he does.
Because he just walks around singing all day.Have you read about that?
He loves learning a new song every day and he just walks around singing out loud.Wow.
No, not at all.Unless he was learning a song called I Don't Think That I Do or something.
Or perhaps he was practicing Silent Night.Do you get it?Because it was silent.Yeah, yeah.This is gold, isn't it?
Silent Night!If I said Silent Night, you win.
Bowl of carrots.Raw carrots.Yeah.My favourite thing.
It's your favourite thing?
I think it's like the tastiest food in the world.Raw carrot.
I thought you said ball of carrots.
Not a ball of carrots.No.A ball of carrots wouldn't be the tastiest.That would be... That's impossible, isn't it?A ball of carrots.
Is it a dream restaurant?
It's possible, then.But I want a bowl of carrots.Raw carrots.
No, just raw carrots.I eat them all the time.Don't peel them, wash them, cut the ends off, give the bits to my dog, and eat the carrots.They're beautiful.Crunchy, sweet if you get a good one.They're delicious.
Ed's really funny that you give the bits to your dog.
Yeah, he loves carrots.Does he?She, yeah.Lolly, that's her name.Labrador.All it wants is food.It follows me around and wants food.Sort of loves me.It's more like the animal that lives in the house, really.That's our dog.You've got a dog, haven't you?
Yeah, he's very precious about what he eats.
Good name, innit?Do you know about James's cats?
Do you want to guess?Four.Okay, four.
Sorry, I didn't know it was going to be a game.
I mean, I'm allergic to cats and I like cats.I would have 40 cats.
Yeah, I love them.Four cats.What's that like?Brilliant.
We had this decorator in recently and he was very nice.He wouldn't stop talking and a bit like me.And he said, yeah, you've got a dog.Yeah.Yeah.Yeah.I've got cats.How many cats have you got?Wow.I bought a white cat yesterday.
I've always wanted a white cat.21 cats.
Wow.Imagine having 20 cats and you've not got a white one yet.
I know, it's like, it's collecting.I want a white, I wanted a white one.That is unimaginable.21 cats?Surely.So, does your house smell of cats?
Yes, it will do.Yes, it does.
I don't know, it's not yours.21 cats, there's no way it won't. Because it's not your house anymore, is it really?
Yeah, it's the cat's house.I've got four cats and I have to, you know, be mindful each day to not let things slip into it.
That's quite a lot though, isn't it, to look after four cats?
Luckily they're pretty chill, all four of them.
They all get on, our little gang.
I mean, they're four classic names that go together.
Alex also goes by Cheeseburger Jones, it depends on the vibe.
Alex is often called that on there, it's a pet name.Alex is short for Cheeseburger Jones.After Alex Jones, the conspiracy guy.
Yeah, exactly.I know you like it.
That's why this is the last episode.
So you're just walking around the house quite often just nibbling on a carrot?
Yeah, I love carrots, yeah.If I'm writing or something, I'll have a little bowl of carrots, you know, to nibble on.I can't have nuts, can I?I don't like nuts.
No?Well, you can have them.You use the word can't quite liberally.I could, I could.You don't want to.
Yeah, yeah.Hate them.You hate nuts.So you have to have... I have to.I must have carrots.And these are full-size carrots?When you say bowl of carrots?
No, well, I think I'll cut them in... I'll do the vertical... I'll do a vertical cut.A varret.A varret.I'll have a varret, yeah.I'll varret them, yeah.
Are you just varreting?Because often when you get... I might do other varrets.
I mean, depending on the thickness, I might do two more, yeah.
I kind of... You know what?When you said a bowl of carrots, I was like, oh man, that's... It's a bowl though, isn't it?It's better than a plate.That's bad.But...
Whenever I have carrots, like carrot batons or something like that, I do think carrots are good.
Yeah, but if you buy them in packs, sometimes they're quite watery and nasty.They can turn.
I mean, my favourite thing to buy from Marks & Spencer's service stations is the carrot batons with a hummus dip.
Hummus is on my list, I'm afraid.I mean, I throw that away, that goes away and I'll have the muttons.You know, when you're driving, you know, when you lap, and then the carrots fall over, you know, on your feet and all the pedals.
Have you had that one?While you're driving on the motorway, I have.That was bad.They're quite moist.I had a bag of carrots and they're just all over the pedals, slippery.
Are you then bending down to try and get some carrots?
I am a bitch, trying to move them out of the way.But while driving safely.While driving safely. Doesn't happen a lot, but that has happened.
Yeah.Do you abide by this five-second rule?Would you pick up a carrot from the five-second carrot rule?Yeah, the five-second carrot rule.
I might not from the foot well, but if it's in my house, which is spotless, if it's in my house, I would, but not from the foot well of my, you know, the manky foot well in my car.Definitely not.Although I might.
Yeah, because if no one's watching.If no one's watching.It's not like, and then you look in the rear view mirror and Mick Huggins sat in the back.Oh.
But I can't quite hear him.Yeah.So it doesn't matter what he says.
When you said a bowl of carrots, I too imagined the batons and thought, ugh, come on.But then when you said the full ones, it did make me go, oh, that is nicer.And I hadn't thought about that before.
They're quite refreshing.You know what I mean?In the fridge.
nature's lollipop, like the stick, but a tasty lollipop stick.
Yeah.Do you ever bite into one and say, what's up, dog?
Um, I haven't actually, but I will.I will from now on.Yeah.
I mean, you do a good impression of your grandmother.Did you ever do a good impression of Bugs Bunny?
No, I can't do Bugs Bunny.Can you do Bugs Bunny?I could do my grandma saying it.What's up, dog?
Yeah.How do you feel about cooked carrots?
Yeah.They're not bad.Yeah.I've got, I've got to, yeah.They're fine.You know, if they're not too soft.
Yeah, people can overdo them.
They can, can't they?And the punishments aren't severe enough, are they, really, for that, these days?Who knows with this new government, of course?Yeah, of course.Fingers crossed.I think it's in their manifesto, I haven't seen it.
They're always so long, aren't they?
Yeah, yeah.Getting involved.It's quite deep in the character stuff.Yeah, it's not near the top, really, you know.
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Your dream drink, Robert.
I'm going to have two drinks.I'm allowed two drinks, yeah?Yeah.
I'm going to have, because it will just make me laugh.
Okay.Who's in the restaurant when you're having the carrots, by the way? No one's in the restaurant.
No one's in the restaurant for the carrots, okay.That's with my grandma.
Yeah, but I thought you'd press the button.Oh, it's just a white, white bear.
It's going to be a bear restaurant.
That's probably if you aren't in your kitchen with the dog.
No, it's going to be, yeah, it'll be in my, yeah, that's what it's going to be, with the dog.
And I can chuck the bits.Yeah.Now I'm back in the restaurant.I'm going to be in a white bear restaurant now for no reason.
And I'm going to have, um, what was the question?Drink.
drink oh yeah yeah yeah right well no this is throughout the meal isn't it so we can have these anyway well i want i'm going to be served you know by waiters obviously and i want to i'm going to start with a seymour and then i'm going to finish with the loros those wines no i'll tell you what these are so this is another one from my youth when my brother johnny were younger and we used to get invited to parents like someone was getting married in the family or bar mitzvah and i was like 11 and he was eight we've invented this game which we do to this day
And I think maybe my brother's there for this bit.Just for when I drink he appears and then he's eviscerated but comes back.
So what we would do, we would go, we would, we would be quite, you know, we're 12.We didn't know anyone often.It's boring.And we didn't want to talk to girls.It's embarrassing.There's a family.
So we would just go and sit by the bar and just drink Coca-Cola.And we would, this is our plan.
That's what we would do, just by the bar, near the bar.
Is that a thing kids do normally, sitting up at the bar?
Not at the bar, like, we wouldn't be at the bar, we'd be on the chair.
Imagine you sat having a coca-cola, like, this is a long night.
Cigar.Yeah.We'd hang around the bar, hiding, basically, and have a coke, and then it would be right, it's time, it's time.So they'd go, oh, two more cokes, please.No, one coke and one seam hour. I go, C-Mal, yeah, one Coke, one C-Mal, what's C-Mal?
Coca-Cola and lemonade.What?Mixed together.That's a C-Mal, yeah.Oh, okay.So this is pre-internet, so you couldn't check.Oh, okay.And then you see him wander off, pouring it on, and another bartender would see him mixing lemonade and Coke.
You'd see him mouthing C-Mal. Oh, it could be a drink.So we'd have a Coke and a C-Mal, and then it would be, later on we'd have two C-Mals, please.And once they got used to that, the bit when they go, two C-Mals, we go, one C-Mal, one La Ross.
So you have to wait for them to... What's a La Rosse?
Ginger ale and a lemonade.I've never heard of that before.Maybe one C.M.L.and that would be our thing.So a C.M.L.and we did that our whole life.And if we ever go out, they'll be like, what do you want?One C.M.L.please.
So that I would want to be drinking them.They taste nice as well.And my brother can be there and we can do that.And there's no internet reception, so they can't check. Yeah, yeah.
I don't know if they would even check now, would they?
Surely they'd be like, whatever, if they want to call it that.
Yeah, two seam hours.If they want to call it a seam hour on a LaRosse.Just when they come over, when they would say, two seam hours?Boys, two seam hours?No, no, one seam hour on a LaRosse, that would be... That's the high point of it.
Then you end on two LaRosses.Yeah.
It's just when they think they've got the hang of it, right?
Yeah, and then when Dad would come, are you ordering your stupid drink? So I like those drinks.
I mean they're good drinks as well, there's nothing more exciting as a kid than realising you can mix different soft drinks.
Mixing drinks, yeah.Do you ever mix drinks?
Oh, the Freestyle Machine.
The Freestyle Machine, and the Soda Fountain, or whatever.
Some fast food places now in London have a Freestyle Machine.
where you can just pick loads of other stuff.I mean, there's stuff that you don't even know, you can't buy commercially by itself, like, you know, peach lilt and stuff like that.
I've made that one up, but... Every flavour of Fanta, you can imagine every sort of different fruit.Raspberry Fanta, all that sort of stuff.
Can you mix some of those together?Although... I don't want to mix them if I've not had, like, I just want to try Raspberry Fanta.That sounds good.
Yeah.I mean, when you're a kid, you mix all of it.
You know what, that'll be a Lombard. A Lombard, a Raspberry Fanta.Raspberry Fanta would be a Lombard.
Would you ever sign off on this?
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.We do this all the time, yeah.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.We haven't done it for a while but we're going to do it again soon.We talked about it recently when I was telling him we've got to do this again.He said, yeah, yeah, we've got to do that. We've got to do that.
I mean, we was talking about it in the restaurant, what do you want to drink?He was going, two Sea Mowers.He always does that to me.
I mean, we should start this as a thing.People ordering Sea Mowers on the Rossets.
I think it almost certainly will happen now.
And see if people, please go out there and try it.You've got to start, you don't go straight in two Sea Mowers. You've got to lull them into it.Coca-colas.Coca-colas as opposed to cokes.Two Coca-colas, please.Yeah, that's what we do.That's my drink.
And then the high point is when they say two C-Mowers.Yeah.
And then it ends on two La Rosses, please.Good night.
We arrive at your dream dessert.Now I'm excited about this because you said that the whole meal really is just so you can get the reward, which is the pudding, which is great.Great to hear.
Yeah.I'm going to have a trolley.Trolley of puddings.
Great.Here we go.So the mains come on a trolley as well, hasn't it?
Yeah.My grandma's not going to be pushed.We don't know if she's been eviscerated.She's no longer here.
So this is just, I'm back in a restaurant and I can choose who I want.
I thought about this.This would be freaky.Yeah. full of people, yeah, you haven't met yet, but you are gonna get to know in the future.
That would be weird, wouldn't it?That's good.That's good, isn't it?
And Stormzy's there as well.Oh my God, I'm gonna get friends with Stormzy, that's good.
Yeah.Oh, so you know that at some point you're gonna get to know them properly.
Yeah.Yeah, just people, why, how would I know her?
I mean, I think that's a good idea for like a TV show, Robert.You're not worried that you just, I mean, you know, this is your bread and butter here, writing.Are you not worried you're just giving away quite a good idea for a TV show?
Which is a man eating quite horrible food in a restaurant where there's people he doesn't know yet.
It does sound like a Netflix-y idea, doesn't it?
He's only asking, he's trying to find out how he knows the people, that's actually quite good.That's my idea, I'm copywriting it now.
He's going to get to know all these people.If we can get Stormzy on board, I think it's going to be a really good show.Yeah, we'll do a co-pro with his company, he must have a TV company.
It'd be good if there was like, well maybe it's a film or something, but like if like it starts with the main character wakes up in a strange room and there's other people sat around, no one's talking to each other and then learns that these are people that he's going to meet in his life.
It's not a bad idea actually, is it?
and then the rest of the story is meeting those people.So he kind of wakes up as if from a dream and then encounters all those people.
I think we've got the beginning nailed.We've got the beginning, we've got the idea.But it's the rest of it isn't it?
Yes we've learnt details.Or he gets eviscerated.
I mean, this is, you're a bit obsessed with people getting eviscerated.
Maybe he makes, sort of weirdly makes friends with him in the room and then he goes back to his life, but they don't remember what he means to them.
A table you don't want to like, sort of floppy head, late middle-aged men in bow ties that are probably like surgeons that might end up operating on you when you're very old.
Or it's someone he might murder or something.
You know, like people that might be like, well then, what's the medical surgery?
Yeah, because it's not all people you're going to meet and be friends with, because it's like, yeah, it's the person who's going to, you know, take your liver out.
I'm the one that gave you the heart transplant that didn't go right.
Oh, OK.And it's in a world where no one can lie.
Even.I mean, we've got to pitch this, guys. Yeah, so that's what I want in the background, and I want a trolley, and I want a pyramid of profiteroles.
As soon as you said pyramid, I knew it was coming.Nothing else comes in a pyramid.
My favourite dessert, made by my mum, with hot chocolate sauce.I want cream in them, not ice cream.It's not nice with ice cream in, it's not proper.It's too cold with the hot chocolate.
Ice cream's not on the list though.
I love ice cream.You know, that is top of nice list.So I want Fitzgerald, loads of them.Nice list.Nice list.So I want them.Then I want, there's a French restaurant we go to, like France, every couple of months, me and my wife, as a treat.
I want to know how to treat a lady. They have this dessert, that's the nicest dessert I've ever had in a restaurant.It is warm blueberry tart, here's the genius, lavender ice cream.Wow.That's adventurous for me, wasn't it?Yeah, it's very adventurous.
It's amazing.And they nearly always have it, and basically I go for that, really.I get the main done, I get that.And occasionally they don't have it, it's off the menu, and I literally want to, you know, destroy the whole restaurant.I'm so angry.
I just moan to my wife. I don't have the lavender thing.Well, alright, they've got other things.I know, but I wanted that.
You've been looking forward to it all day, all week maybe?Is the dessert menu attached to the main menu?So you know as soon as you go in?Or does it come separately at the end?
It's a work of art, their dessert, it's all amazing.They've got ta-ta-ta-ta, they've got homemade ice creams.My wife often has chocolate and raspberry together.
And when we were kids, there used to be this ice lolly called Dracula, that was chocolate and raspberry.So when she has it, I go, Dracula.And she quite likes that joke, but also finds it quite annoying because I do it quite a lot.
She's having a Dracula.Is it a joke?Yeah, yeah, I'm having Dracula, you're having Dracula, yeah.
like the lolly yep so she'll have that and i'll have the lavender thing and i'll have the top tatin if they don't have that they just got beautiful you know beautiful dessert what's it called this place it's called bistro x and it's in crouch end and it is nice it is but it's quite romantic also the people in it generally quite old but it doesn't matter the food's so nice yeah and um i'll have that and then i'll also have uh meringues which i can make really good meringues yeah yeah what kind of meringues
I've got some here, I'm going to give you them in a minute.
Oh my goodness.You want a meringue?So yeah, do you want a meringue?
Yeah.Here we go.Robert Popper is getting up to get his meringues out of his bag.
Now bearing in mind we've heard what Elsie Drake makes and what food you've been making through that.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
It's got my grandma's hair in it.
Well, I'm going to obviously try one of these chocolatey looking ones, you know, like chocolate dusted on the top.
It'll make you really, like, dry mouth and it'll be awful for the... What do you reckon?What do you reckon?Today I thought... I made a note, make meringues, and then this morning I thought, fucking, I've got to make meringues for this.
And then I left it to the last moment.I did.We wouldn't have known. What do you reckon, lads?
Really delicious, and it's exactly what you want from a meringue.It's like not hard all the way through.It's soft.
A bit chewy, a bit soft in the middle.
They've got the shell on the outside.
Go on, lads.That's legit, mate.
So I want meringues with a lot of cream.
And, you know, I'm done.I mean, that is a good meal.It's a strange meal.
Yeah, but you've definitely saved yourself for the dessert, I think.
Like you're having a bowl of carrots as a side.That's like almost cleansing the palate, ready for the dessert trolley, isn't it?
yeah yeah i've been a good little boy so you get your big reward at the end yes oh do you want to hear the list then Yeah, let's see the list.Oh, it's a proper list.It's written down on paper.
Yeah.Over the last days.It's a big list, just to let you know.
Fish, all seafood, olives, nuts, mayonnaise, mustard, asparagus, cabbage, apricots, liver, lychee, pesto, coffee, blue cheese, truffles, truffle oil, pickles, white chocolate, raisins, they're fine, but if they break away from a cake, I won't eat the ones that are on their own because they've got cake on them, that's annoying.
I don't know why.Lentils, chickpeas, marzipan, beetroot, garlic bread, raw onions, venison.Who has venison?That's a weird thing to say.
Artichoke, grapefruit, Brussels sprouts, rhubarb, meatballs, red wine, nearly done, milk, red peppers, sweet corn, but not, I like corn on the cob, but not on its own.
Licorice, goat's cheese, marmalade, feta cheese, quiche, falafel, dates, prunes, hummus, parsnips, cheesecake, donuts, baked beans, and peas.
Wow.I mean some absolute rogue things in there.Yeah.Garlic bread and doughnuts.
Yeah and I love sweet things.Greasy.
Yeah doughnuts taste greasy and the traditional ones with the sugar and the jam in, the sugar's annoying.Sort of like grates your lips and just raw jam.
just jam in a donut.It's just like you don't get jam in a spoon.
You don't get jam put your spoon and just spoon jam into your mouth.You put jam on stuff though don't you?
You do, that's true.I mean jam in the donut.And I have jam on toast.Yeah.I'm the one with the problem.Jam sandwich.Yeah jam sandwich is really nice.So I'm the one with the problem.
yeah yeah and a bit milk obviously well we know we don't like milk yeah you have fizzy milk and milk with ribena yeah i think i was probably traumatized yeah i understand yeah yeah i read your menu back to you now see how you feel about it robert exciting you want tap water you would like um challah bread toasted by yourself on it with a toast on the table
start you want 50 50 cereal cornflakes and rice krispies with honey not with one of those twisty things and cold oat milk yep your main course you want a square steak made by your grandmother with paprika potatoes and green beans all made in like a metal don't forget the crust flour crust and the flour crust delicious side dish bowl of raw carrots drink seamower under the ross yep dessert a pyramid of profiteroles with cream not ice cream
warm blueberry tart with lavender from Bistro X and meringues made by yourself which we won't discuss if they were in a pyramid or not.
No I think they would just be dotted around the room.
How do you feel about that?
I think that sounds good yeah I like that.
yeah i mean it also sounds terrible yes but it also sounds good yeah i think each individual thing should sound good to you yeah it sounds good to me because if you said that it sounds disgusting then no it doesn't sound disgusting it sounds good i actually just think the bowl of carrots is the only thing that throws it yeah why it's just really out of nowhere like
I can't see a place for it in a meal.I understand that you have it as a snack around the house, that makes sense to me.But at any point during a meal, that would confuse me.It's a palate cleanser, I don't mind it.
I mean, you can have cooked carrots that are sort of crunchy, so it's just one step away from that.They're still crunchy and that goes with your meal.
Does it win the greatest meal anyone has ever... It's under consideration.It's just the carrots that might... We're not ruling it out.
Thank you for submitting it.And we got to eat the meringues.So we've eaten the meringues and they were really nice.Benito hasn't had a meringue.
He says he's busy.Eat a meringue now, Benita.He hates meringues.You can edit yourself eating it out, but you can keep in Robert's reaction to you eating it.I think the listener would like to know how Robert feels about you eating meringue.
No, I don't want him to have it.You're not allowed one, there we are.He doesn't like meringues and that's fair enough.
He likes meringues.He's going to love it.
You can have one on the tube on the way back, just open a big box of meringues, that would be strange.
I've never seen anyone eat a meringue on the tube.
That would be good.I once saw on the tube a boy, must have been about nine, who was dressed like, do you ever remember Viz, Spoilt Bastard, little boy, dressed like a spoilt kid, and his mum sat opposite him as a busy train,
and I saw this and this boy just was just looking like trouble and spoiled boy and the mum looked exhausted and he had
a massive bag of cherries, which is quite a spoiled thing for a child to have, like holding it there on his lap, and he was biting into the cherries and he chewed through it and he spat the cherry stone across at his mum and it would like go on her face or on her top, she had a side dress on and she was really embarrassed, everyone was looking, and he was loft roaring and he was stuffing another cherry in and he kept spitting them at his mum
and hit him on the face and the hair and I drove and that was five minute of my drive and then I got off and it was just carrying on.
well i love that kid yeah cherries is such a spoiled kid isn't it cherries no mother i can't i can't get on the train without my cherries where's my where's my bag my my bag of cherries for the tube journey cherries when you see kids like that it's mind-blowing isn't it yeah get away with that stuff kids these days if i spot a chip it's cherry stone yeah either of my parents yeah game over yeah oh my god yeah it's true game over forget it
I'm never having a cherry again as long as I live.
Because you might, you might do that if you're around your parents.
Yeah, they'll be like we're not giving you any of them but also we're gonna tell you off so bad that you don't even want to eat cherries as an adult because you're just gonna think I'm a bad boy.
Kids, don't eat cherries basically.That's one thing you can take away from this.
It's a lovely way to end the podcast I think.
Kids, please don't eat cherries.Yep.Thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant Robert.Cherry Papa Daddy.
Well there we are, James.
What a fun chat with Robert Popper.
Lovely chat with Robert Popper, we learnt so much about him.We did.The Wacky World of Robert Popper.
The Wacky World of Robert Popper.And the Wacky World of Elsie Drake, of course.That's not the name of the book.Huh?That's not the name of the book, just in case you go searching for that.It's not called The Wacky World of Elsie Drake.
The Elsie Drake Letters, brackets, aged 104, is what the book is called.It's out now.So go and buy that from wherever you buy your books.Absolutely.And, Robert didn't say, Robert didn't pick,
A pot of pickled peppers.Robert Popper did not pick a pot of pickled peppers.
Robert Popper did not pick a pot of pickled peppers.
You were good at that, man.Well, I don't know.I felt like I was like missing out.
No, no.You did it, but when you do it, it always feels like you're on the edge, right?You always feel like you're riding a wave of words.
I feel like my eyes go into the top of my head and my eyelids start fluttering.
Yes, they did.Yeah, like I was going to a trance.I don't really know what's going on.Yeah, it was scary.Don't do that again.Really scary.I know, it was scary.But he did not do that.
Thank you so much to Robert Popper for coming on.We will see you next week.
We will see you next week.We've got the Popper offer.We've got the Popper offer.
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Hi, this is Christopher Kimball from Milk Street Radio.I often shop at Whole Foods markets since they sell the kind of food I like.Organic vegetables, a great meat counter, and of course a great staff.
For Thanksgiving, Whole Foods offers brined turkeys as well as a spiral cut bone-in ham. The Whole Foods Market Bakery has a large assortment of pies, even a vegan pumpkin pie.Or grab some brioche and butterflake rolls for the table as well.
Or you can ask the Whole Foods team to cater your meal for you, including the bird, the sides, and desserts.Get your holiday party started at Whole Foods Market.
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Hello, my name's Sarah Pascoe.Guess what?I've been on Off Menu a while back.Can't remember what I said.Vegan butter, I think.Anyway, I'm now going on tour with a new show.It's called I Am A Strange Gloop.The tour starts in June 2025.
Come and join me.I might talk about food, if that's what you need.Bread or poppadoms, I'll shout.Stealing content of Off Menu.I will probably talk about other things as well, and I might not shout bread or poppadoms.
Tickets are on sale now at sarahpascoe.co.uk.
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