We hit and then we disappear, like ghosts.
We hit it, hit it and quit it, like ghosts?Ghosts hit it and quit it.Could you imagine getting hit and quit by a ghost? Back to, not to bring up an old dead conversation, we talked about ethereal handjobs one day.
But imagine if like you developed a deeply intimate sexual relationship with that ghost and then they like, to their nature, ghosted you.
Would it be a good show?Would it be like the best orgasm I ever had?
That's what I'm talking about.This is the best sex of your life.I'm not mad about it.It's with a ghost. And also like maybe the best pillow time.You know what I mean?Like once they were done, like they hung out with you.
Like it was like, like Casper, but.
But Casper knows how to fuck, you know.Yeah, I bet he has.Yeah, dude, Casper fucks, dude.He definitely.
Yeah, man, I should have invited Casper in this conversation, but now that he's in, let's talk about it.Is that a b-hole you get into or what?
He's got a huge head.I bet he gives good dome, you know.He looks real soft.
I bet so.Big old fucking blue eyes looking up at you.
okay now ghost of a male child is yeah but no no it's cool dude he's like a hundred years old and you know I don't see he's a fucking pervert he's one super oh yeah
Yeah, I mean, we walked right into this trapdoor, didn't we?
We should have fucking brought this one up.Right away.Well, you know, we're trying to do Halloween type of shit, so.
Blowjob from Casper is gonna be in there.That's on the menu.It has to be.Yeah.
Yeah.That feels like real cloudy in there, you know?
That's what makes it so good.
Ooh, what is this?Oh, shit!
Look, I wish there was a fucking visual element to this show.
If you could just see KY's face right now.So sexually charged.
Too bad I'm fucking this really old kid.Oh, man.Boy, we got there right away.Right away.
Yeah, we did.Just right down to it.
The moment you mentioned Casper, we were like, well, here it is.
That's what we want.But just so for consensus, we are all down for Casper.Sexually.
I'm not cosigning.I'm not cosigning directly on the question.Yeah, I'll roleplay when I'm prompted.I'm not signing any documentation right now.
I am sending you a Casper outfit, baby.
Oh, shit. We were talking about, briefly, the spookiest things that have happened to us individually.
Goodness, goodness, goodness.To give everyone a little bit of time to think, I will say, this isn't my spookiest thing, but Justin and I did try desperately to get abducted by a UFO when we were kids.And we never did.
My gosh, I remember that.
Yeah, we did.Whatever we could.We were brandishing our asses, whatever they wanted.
They wanted those.I was fairly certain UFOs were interested in only probes, you know, stealing children, draining blood, things of that nature.So I remember, you know, dressing very scantily, trying to attract the allure of an alien.
You were really slutty like an eight year old.It was rough.
while I have t-shirts.Yeah, dude, what I did not know at the time is that them little skinny aliens, they don't like chubby kids, so they never came and got me.
I think you just wanted it too bad.
Yeah, they could feel it on us both, because we really did, and so I was always hoping that would be a really life-changing experience. Never happened, never happened for it.
I figured big booties is what they want for probing.I mean, who wants to probe a tiny ass?
That's what I thought.That's what I thought too.Nothing to grab, nothing to see.
That's true. Well, they are, you know, maybe, maybe they're shaped odd.They want the light shade bus to put stuff into.Who knows?Who knows what they're into?
Remember like the house, the house I was in growing up, there was like the sound of like a basketball dribbling in my attic.This is a real like ghosty story.
Ooh, that is ghosty.That is freaky.
And I, and I, I, I think I've always attributed it to just like the wood, like, creaking and moving, but it was like, I was just like a lot in all of the time.
And like rhythmic like that?Like a bouncing ball?
Exactly rhythmic like that.
Just like that.It was horrifying.
This is the house I grew up in.I hate that.And, uh, but I never felt, you know, never felt like there was a ghost about, you know, watch me tuck my butt or anything like that.
So I always felt like I, you know, perhaps in those times I was given, I was given some, you know, some privacy.
One would hope.God, ghostbusters have just watched so much masturbation.
They have to be tired of it.It's terrible being a ghost.Yeah, they'd be like, here we go again.Jesus, I bet no ghosts are around Sean because you're constantly jerking it, man.They're tired of it, man.They don't know.
Yeah, they're like, leave it alone.
He's the original ghostbuster.
That's true.They actually bring Sean into clean houses that are haunted.He just comes and stays for a few nights.Daily show, baby.Jerks all the ghosts right out of there, dude.
What's your secret?I can't tell you until afterwards, but it works.100% works.100% will get rid of anything in your house.Free of ghosts, clean, you know?
You just need to change the sheets in the bed and maybe clean the couch.
small price to pay do you have any crazy sexy places in your ghost really like it in those rooms it's that old wooden rocking chair that rocks on its own that's where I'm going to be sitting three days three times a day for three days
Oh, God, here it comes again.Yeah, no ghosts.I know in my house, I think something similar in my house growing up when I remember like being home alone a few times like during the day, like not super scary.
And I would hear the stairs would creak as if someone was coming down the stairs. Which again, I did in my older years, my later years, I just attributed the house probably settling after people had been up and down the stairs and left for the day.
But it was really freaky because it literally sounded like it was like top to bottom every time.Like somebody was coming down the stairs one at a time.
Goodness, goodness.Both of our houses that we grew up in were very old houses.Yeah, they were pretty old houses.
Like at least a hundred years.
I had something similar, but it would be.Because I lived out in the country, I'd be out like out in the woods playing when I was a kid and I would hear drums just like out in the distance.
I was like, where is that coming from?Where could that possibly come from?Right.
Because you had like almost infinite woods behind your house.Yeah.
Just like acres on every side.
In the middle of fucking nowhere, dude.Yeah, if listen, I'm sure no one knows where you lived when you were a child, but Connor lived way the fuck out in the middle of the boonies.
I swear, when I was like six years old, it's like Civil War ghosts.They're just like marching.Yeah.There's like a Civil War ghost army out there.
They're just waiting just on the edge of your vision, right?Like, I can almost see you.
They're out there.They're out there.
Walking through this.Freaky, man.Because you have like it's like heavily wooded, too.So like I wouldn't imagine sound from like the road or somebody's like loud bass driving by that far out.Like you wouldn't hear it out there.
Yeah.Because like I never heard a car or anything.Right.It was always just like a rhythmic bump up top.
No, thanks.No, thank you.Oh, it's the auditory like added, you know, that's the sensory thing that just like kind of gets me a little like over, especially with an awkward drum out the middle of nowhere that should not be there.
Get me the fuck out of Dodge.
I can feel that though.From one of our previous episodes, you were the night stalker in your neighborhood, basically.That's true.So you were everyone's nightmare, is that right?
Yeah, you owned the night.
I do own the night.You were peeping in the window saying shit from a river or something.
Okay, all right, that was only wintertime after my dad said stuff.Yeah, it was... And it wasn't like prolonged, you know, I'm not sitting there peeping.Not like I have binoculars to see detail.Just saying.
Just seeing what's in there.
When does a C become a peep?When do you become a peeper?I think when you buy binoculars for it. Really?
I actually assumed you'd be close to the window.That was always really the peep part for me.Because if someone's windows are open and you're driving by, you can look in their house if they're close enough to the street.
But, I mean, Connor, where you live is a fairly densely populated area.If someone's windows are open and you're just walking on the street, you will see into their home.So you're not a peeping Tom.
Yeah, if you walk up to the window and you put your face on the glass.Yeah, you're one is you want to see something you want to watch?
Everything that that is one of my like childhood fears like after watching like a scary movie as a kid I would have to close all the blinds all the curtains Because like the most terrifying thing I could think of is just like a face in the window.
Oh my god Yeah, just like you're just like walking to the bathroom and you see that yeah terrifying.
Goodness, one time some face did appear in my window one time.It was a guy who lived across the street from me back in my old house.It was like a assisted living home.He was like off his fucking rocker.
And I fucking, I did not treat that man very well.And his face appeared in my window at 2 a.m.
Good God, I would have shit my fucking pants.
I feel like Justin would have just chased him with a bat or some sort of blunt weapon.
I chased him around a little bit.I caught him too.
We'll get to talk about it.I've known Justin basically my entire life, as most listeners are aware.And there has never been a flight part of Justin's fight or flight.It is fight or fight harder.That's it.Anger gets the job done.
So I can't imagine you... Initially you'd be scared and then you would just want to punish them for scaring you, basically.
It's mostly fear the whole way through, and then a calm, and then you're like, oh, this guy's a little elderly and maybe a little fucked up in the head already, you know what I mean?
Maybe I should stop raining blows down on him.
Just gotta let him watch next time.
Yeah.Just do a pull show and get your dick out and jerk off at him.
I'm gonna exorcise you!He's ready for it, baby.
Oh, that probably would have been the better way to go.That dude never would have came back.Let him watch until you finish.
That's right.You fucking stay in my window.
That's how we learned.We wanted to get in the Halloween spirit, so we had a little bit of a spookier story set up for you guys tonight.But if you've listened this far, welcome to the Lesson on People podcast.
uh we are there's four of us tonight we're missing big cat he is uh marking his territory out marking his marking his territory he's out marking his territory thank you for picking that up yes i appreciate that um bc is not with us we'll be back next time
We'll do a few of these Halloween episodes this month for the month of October.But anyway, we have a fun little round robin tonight.We wanted to cover cryptids.We did cryptids last year and it was a pretty good fun episode.
We want to do it again this year.Hell yeah.I'm not sure we really Decided on an order, but let me get to my introductions in and then they'll be pretty much how we'll do the show So anyways, first up.Okay, white jelly.You're here tonight.
I'm great.I'm great If you could for listenership, could you read the nickname I have on my on my zoom tile?
Unfortunately, I can't do that Well, it's disparaging.It's disparaging to me.It's disparaging to several ethnic groups.That's true.Because KY is a monster.
I just, I can't even look at it without laughing.So I had to bring it into the episode in case I start giggling later.But I am doing great tonight.I'm doing great.
Good, good, good.I'm glad you're great tonight.I know you have a story for us.You're gonna be first up on our round, Robin, but we're gonna get the rest of our boys in.Con Man, how are you tonight?
I am fantastic.We're taking a little break from our normal scheduled program.I'm not wine drunk tonight.I am pasta drunk.Pasta?
Hell yeah, dawg.That's a vibe.It's a vibe.It's a vibe.
I'm getting wine drunk and I will keep you in mind when I get a little bit tipsy.Please do.Submissive and breedable for you, Tom, man.Thank you.You coined that term.I'm putting that on a shirt.VersaMellon's submissive and breedable.
I'll give you some of my spaghetti. I'll be giving us a little bit of a story tonight too.I'm Jay Money.I'll be doing a little hosting tonight.And then also we have last, not least, Shawn Boy.How are you?Shawn, the Magic Carpet Ride.
Coming through strong.Mr. Wilhelm.
Just trying to stay away from the heat because you know, that magic carpet, it keeps you warm at night.Keeps you warm in the day. And if I shave it, I would look worse.I'm pretty, pretty sure of that.So I'm doing as good as can be.Yeah.
Don't offend God by, by rubbing off that lustrous mane.
Okay.I get it.So then my magic carpet is a cryptid of its own.
Yeah.I think that's, it has sentience by itself.
It's true, there is an episode where we painted you as a giant hair monster running around on a battlefield somewhere in World War Two or one or something like that.So no, I could see where you were in Ukraine.
Yeah, yeah, blend in baby.That's all you gotta do.
Anyways, almost a full cast for down BC, but he will be back next week.First up on the run Robin. KY Gelatin, you have a ghostly cryptid or a ghost?
Yeah, so I just I really wanted to fuck up this whole thing right away, like as quick as we could.So I did start off looking for a cryptid.And then I found a story that I thought was going to be about ghost elephants.
Oh, right.That's okay.That's an intention grab.I'm going to read that through.And it turns out it's just a little more ghostly than it is cryptid.So I am going to cover some ghost elephants right now.
Yes.Yes.This takes us to, um, Well, things that we've covered a number of times, which is old timey train travel.Yes.Circus folk.And hauntings, all good stuff.
That's kind of our wheelhouse.Yeah, I was like Dick Chatter.
And Dick Chatter is a really, really small part of the podcast.People wouldn't even know that.I think listening to it, it's really background.Yeah.It's a subtext, if anything. Anyway, so this is the Ghost Elephants of Illinois.
So in June of 1918, a lot of good train travel those times, members of the popular Hagenbeck-Wallace Circus, they were asleep in their train cars, snoozing away, going to the next place.
This did happen, I think, down south somewhere, but they were out of the Chicago area. At around 4 a.m., there was another train that was following behind them, and the conductor fell asleep at the wheel, helm, captain's chair, levers.
So they had radio and stuff by then, and he just couldn't be hailed.It was just not answering.He fell asleep, presumably.And what happened?
is what you think happened that the the circus train was going like less than half the speed for some reason and this guy was going like like 35 or 40 miles an hour and he plowed into the back of the circus train and yeah like some people were definitely kind of just squished right away and other people
Yeah, train accidents seem to be real, like, bloody, like, PC, you know, like, fucking gory.
They are.They're fucking, they're tough, because, like, people, you're definitely encased, but, like, you're kind of, you're free.You're not seat belted in, so you become a projectile should an accident occur.Like, it's not great for people.
We're just meat suits, you know, and we can't, we're not great projectiles.We need to stay where we are.
We don't make great projectiles, no.
Which, by the way, I may cover how many people have died from being fallen on.So then people will be projectiles.
Oh, okay.That's an interesting list.Let's do that.
Anyway, that's later, maybe this October.So anyway, all told, like 86 people died.They said it's actually in the top like 20 train crashes in US history, like for just awfulness, horrible death toll.
And it was so high because the way that the circus train was set up is the last like two cars were where everybody slept.
So like, were those like, okay, so, are those the cars that get fucked up the most?
Well, I mean, in this case, because the train, the train hit it from behind.
Oh, they got hit from behind.Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
But if it was, if they hit like something that was left on the tracks, it might have been okay, because they were all in the back.
So yeah, that would have been very jostling, they may have tipped over or something, but it wouldn't have been like the impact. And they said there was like nothing left of the first train, or the kind of the last train car, the caboose.
There was almost nothing there.Bad boochoo.
Fuck that, man.You'd be squished instantly.You're just turned into jelly.No, thank you.Train jelly.You're like the Ocean Gate guys, just fucking squished.
Every time someone says that, I just think of like a crushed Coke can.You know, that's all I think about.
It's what happened to them.A blink of an eye.You weren't even, you had no, you, they had no ability to comprehend that their dumb ass plan failed.You know what I mean?That's the worst part about it.Just squished.Yep, just boop, done.
So, back to the train crash.Casey Jones here.Check out our Casey Jones episode.
That's a great episode.So some folks were able to be identified and some folks were not.And of the 86, it was kind of like 50-50 of like, they could really identify them.
They were pretty confident the people that they had lost, but they just didn't, they couldn't pair a body to a person.
That's definitely my grandma's jelly right there.That's my grandfather's gelatin right there.
Well, just like, you know, that's my grandma's foot in her shoe.And that's it.That's all we found of grandma.Just the foot in the shoe.
Although it leaves a door open for hope.You know what I mean?If this was like, you know, some movies or novels, grandma still might be out there.
She's gonna Bruce Willis her way.Just invincible.Walks out of the train crash. Oh pussies woke me up.Damn it.Where's my fucking shoe?
Grandma's got some shit to knit.
That's right.Get out of my way.So anyway, so they were based out of Chicago or that area and they had recently like the year before it bought up like huge acreage in a cemetery because they bought it as like a a group, like a circus performer group.
It was almost like a union.It was a bunch of like, it was like Barnum & Bailey's and all this stuff.They were all part of this big kind of nearly union type organization.
And that organization had bought up like acres and acres of this place, this cemetery outside of Chicago.And they had to, because of the unidentified bodies and some of the pieces, had to do a mass grave because
They don't know who's who, and you get what you get.And then they buried the folks that were identified in their own private graves.And then they had bodies, but they didn't necessarily know who they belonged to.
So those people got individual graves, but they were just given a nickname of one of the people that were involved in the crash, because they may not be able to tell who's who.
But they didn't actually, because it was the circus, they didn't know exactly who people were, and they didn't have ID.Like there are graves in there that are just like smiley.
Wow, this is this is Bob up the this is Bob up the clown right here.Yeah, or this could this is Bob up the clown or smiley.
Yeah, you have private options.
You know, I mean, not everyone can be what like Jambo the monkey trainer.
disfiguring but what so like the thing that keeps getting to me when you say circus train I literally think of Was at the beginning of the third Indiana Jones movie when he's young and running through the circus train snake piss I wanted it to be that but So we're talking about the humans animals died as well.
Right.So the article I read did not discuss the animals dying, which that's kind of where I thought it was headed.Right.You're thinking like, all right, well, all the people died.Obviously, the elephants got their shit tossed.
And that's where this whole thing kicks off.Right. But it's, they didn't talk about the animals dying.I was like, what the fuck?So what I did figure out is that the circus train was actually like that, right?
It was like, it was only like, you know, six cars, eight cars.And the train that hit them was a military train.It was like a mile long.
And so like- Heavy as fuck.
Fuck.Yeah.And so that's why it fucked stuff up so bad. So I'm guessing whatever else was also on the train was seriously fucked as well.So probably elephants and shit if they had them or whatever animals they had also suffered.
But oh man, those poor elephants.I know.Fuck them.86 people.
Fuck those jelly people.This is stupid.
They didn't have names fucking smiling people But it is called the ghost elephants because the circus organization whatever the fuck is called they chose an elephant and a ball as their mascot and On this big mass grave area where there's 86 people are buried they put like large cements Elephant statues And there were you know
whatever, like other things around, but it's called the Elephant Ghost because like two weeks after they had to have this big ceremony for other people, people started hearing, they were like, sounds like elephants.Like, do you hear that?
And then like one guy, he was out cleaning and he was like, he like felt like a big rumble and he's like, and he heard the elephants and he was like, it sounds like elephants are in the graveyard right now.Like, I don't understand what's going on.
So they started to get all these reports and I guess it's pretty famous for sounding like elephants are in their graveyard.
They said like circus sounds like not the music but like just like a lot of different animal sounds like you'd hear like maybe a tiger or lion or something like that or some monkeys and definitely elephant like everyone reports hearing the elephant sounds.
That's scary.I would hate to be there.I would hate to be at a fucking carnival cemetery to begin with.True.Of all the people that died in a fucking fiery train crash and then have it sound like elephants there.No, thanks.I'm out.
Plus with those kinds of names on the headstones.No, thank you.Literally.Yeah.
Demon clowns and bullshit movies that have been coming out.That's all I would think of.
Smiley.Jesus Christ.Smile at the clown.Grabbing your fucking soul.
Well, so and the other part is that The other part is that because that circus organization bought up so much like whatever there's a lot of like circus folk buried in the graveyard as well, so now it's like pretty famous for having like Kind of kind of funny headstones because you know a clown or whatever would have some fun with it Like I told you I was sick or you know one shit like that I
But I still think the creepier ones are from the mass grave that have no date of births, no other identifying info, just smiley the clown.
Smiley the clown and elephant noises.
I don't like the elephant statue move.They just have like elephants dancing on your grave.
Yeah.That's a good point.
Damn.They're just having a ball.
Yeah.Loving it.Loving it.Fuck your grave, dude.Fuck your grave.Fuck your grandma too.Yeah, so I thought it was going to be about actual ghost elephant cryptids, but... Just a haunting.Just a boring ass haunting.
Damn.Well, thanks for dropping the ball, dude.Turned out to be a good story, I guess.
All right, well, Con Man, what you got, man?You got something fucking cryptiddy for us?
Yeah, for my story, we're going to go.We're going to go to the other side of the world.And we're specifically going to Mongolia with their local cryptid.Oh shit.
OK, good, good, good, good.
It made me happy that it wasn't.I'm glad I get to participate in this.
Um, so in Mongolia there is a, um, a Mongolian death worm.Oh, that is their version of the Jersey devil, their chupacabra.
But it's a tiny worm that goes like two miles an hour.
You can never, you can never sleep.You have to keep moving.
Or is it like the sandworms in Dune? It actually is.
Oh, that's what I was, that's kind of what I was, is it, are they, how, okay, give me the, tell me the story.
I don't want to make it up in my head.It was first reported in 1926.A guy named Roy Chapman Andrew released a book called On the Trail of Ancient Man, where he describes the Mongolian prime minister describing these as
It is shaped like a sausage about two feet long, has no head nor leg, and it is so poisonous that merely to touch it means instant death.And it lives in the most desolate parts of the Gobi Desert.
Oh, shit.It is, but it's like a much smaller sandworm.
Yeah, they say it's about two feet long.
Well, KY, if you've ever read any of the books, you would know that there's smaller ones, and they start off small.So yeah, it's possible, man.
Well, maybe I can't read so good.So maybe you should respect my disability, my guy.
For children that don't read so good.When Connor said the Mongolian prime minister, all I could think about was, they want children to not be able to work.Zoolander stopped draining my head.It's been on my mind lately. Anyway, so sandworms, man.
But you said- A lot of people believe this is the inspiration for the sandworms in Dune.And it's also cited as inspiration for the monsters in the movie Tremors.Hell yeah.Which are actually called Graboids, I found out.Yeah.Really?
They're called Graboids?Graboids are the monsters in Tremors.
They're not just called Tremors?
No, they're called Graboids.I mean, the characters in movie named them Graboids.
But for a long time, this is like an urban legend.You can't really verify it.
But then this guy, his name's Ivan Mackerley, in 1987, he releases another book and he cites a Mongolian legend describing the creature as traveling underground, creating the waves of sand on the surface, and it can kill at a distance, spraying venom or by electrical discharge.
What can't this thing do?
Yeah, I'm voting for this guy in 2025, man.
I'm never going to the Gobi Desert.
Yeah, if you touch it, it kills you instantly.But now it's maybe faster and can kill you from a distance.
It can shock you to death.It can spit its venom at you.
Like a dinosaur from fucking Jurassic Park.
So Ivan goes out there, he's a big fan of Dune.He used like the mechanical thumpers that they used in Dune to try and like draw this out.
He used those like little motor driven thumpers and he also tried using small explosives to try and drive them above ground.
Was he successful?He was nuts.I think he's somehow related to Don Omond in some way.
Yes.Don Omond is, I have a final installation and it's They're incredible.The people that find themselves in that category are absolutely incredible.
Don Omond is a cryptid in his own, but I do love people who fall in that category.If you don't know Don Omond, come listen to our other episodes.Don Omond's a very interesting person.There's not a lot written about anywhere, so check it out.
He's a true listening person.I find it, at least it's a tad sobering that this guy went out to find these creatures and was like, yeah, they're not, I didn't find them and I don't.Did he did he concede that maybe they're not real or did he just?
I mean, there's some theories.There's there's a snake called a tartar sand boa that some people believe it could be.They look like the same type of behavior.They live in the same locations.
Yeah, not quite as deadly, but it's a poisonous snake, so there's some overlap there, but it's not like it's traveling underground, popping up and spitting venom at you, right?
But no one's actually seen it but it's pretty common in Mongolian legend apparently so they could be out there Just saying never never Gobi Desert nope nope never
Well, the Gobi Desert is a cold desert, and I find that to be fucking dumb.
I like it.I like the thought of a cold desert.A high altitude desert?Come on.
That does change my opinion.I was in a high altitude desert for a long time, but it was still very hot most of the time. Not the other way around.Uh, yeah.
I mean, I, you know, if I get to, I would go to the Gobi desert with you guys to find these little fucking worms that don't exist.If I get to ride one of those furry camels that they have there.
That's the only way if I could hang out with some of those guys.All right.The extra, like the woolly, woolly camels.
Yes.Yeah.I would do that.I would ride a camel until it became tough on the balls.
i just assume with all the curvature it'd be rough on the sack yeah there's nowhere for it to go you have to flop it to one side or the other of the hump yeah or just that's fair yeah tuck up or something crazy it could be like a bike seat it just goes right into your gooch that's literally what you're you know but then you're just riding on like those two inches of gooch just 100 so sean sean proposes to ride on top of the hump where i think ky was
Talking about riding in the trowel of the hump.
If you ride a hump, you'd have two people ride it.That's right.
Like a band of bicycles.That's true.That's true.So, Sean, you ride on the top of the hump.I'll ride on the bottom.Yes.
You'll be right in my car when you're far.
You just gotta find another masochist that can ride on the other hump.
That's right.Somebody else's poor two inches of gooch.
I could see Big Cat doing it.
Yeah, he likes pain.Yeah, we'll all be stuck on the same fucking camel across the Kobe Tether.
These worms are out here, guys.I fucking know it.
They're out here.We'll find them.
Yikes.Anyway, Conman, yeah, thank you.I appreciate that.Yeah, very cool.Now, I did find a cryptid.The title of this cryptid actually comes from a real newspaper clipping that I found. It's a real thing, and it is titled The Dildo Monster.
Yep.Oh, and KY is nonplussed at The Dildo Monster.
I am very plussed.Isn't that what lives in your mother's side drawer on her bed?
That's monsters.That's monsters.It's way more than one.She's a very healthy OnlyFans account.
I would like to prove you otherwise, my friend.Yeah.So.
The dildo monster is actually an aquatic monster.Sure.Needs to be poised.
Immediately.Immediately.Why would it not be?
Yeah, why would it not be?So I'll just describe it to you guys the way that this news article does.This news article, I think, was published sometime in the 50s or before that.That's legit.So anyways.
The monster, the monster is about 50 feet in length with a head about three feet long, shaped like an eel.He has bulging, glistening eyes, frog-like eyes.
Oh, I know somebody who fits that description.Who the fuck might that be, KY?
You're already on fucking 10 ice with me, baby.
He's on his own, he's on his own.
You've talked enough shit this episode. Here I am doing the dildo monster out of the kindness of my fucking heart.I'm a good fucking, cause I'm a good fucking podcaster.
I'm doing the, I'm doing the dildo monster.
God damn it.We're pros.God damn it.This is, this is what pros do.
Come here for the serious shit.So the dildo monster motherfucker is described as frog like eyes.Okay. Uh, it's got a five foot neck.It shimmers as it moves.Its body, uh, describes is about the size of a rum cask.
So a stout fella, you know, like, you know, a handsome fella, probably like me, probably like guys.The cask shaped, um, his tail is the shape of an airplane.This is what he uses to propel himself through the water, creating wakes through the water.
Um, It says here in the article, the monster makes an excellent boogeyman, and a great disciplinarian.That word's actually written in here, a great disciplinarian.It says that children are advised to stay away from the dildo monster.
Yes, yes, yes.I think that goes without saying.
Don't invite children to play with your dildo monster.
Don't invite children to play with your dildo monster.The article goes on to say that youngsters aren't the only victim of the dildo monster.Several men, several men have been, have come in contact with the dildo monster.Wow.
I believe... You gotta try stuff.Yeah, never say never.
Never say never.Not to the dildo monster.
Not to the dildo monster.So, okay, okay.I'm sure you have more there.Why is it called the dildo monster?
So unfortunately, the name of the place is Dildo Harbor.Everything's coming together now. So the name of the place is Dildo Harbor and Dildo Harbor has gotten like a little bit of attention kind of recently.
Jimmy Kimmel was like elected an impromptu mayor of the town.There's no like mayor of the place.This is in Canada, by the way.It's in Newfoundland. So it's in British Columbia.So Jimmy Kimmel makes fun of it quite a bit.
I saw the news article, The Dildo Monster, and we were talking about cryptids, so I jumped all over it.And the more I read into it, it's like the article, because it's so old, doesn't understand that dildo is Funny.Yeah.
And maybe the town takes itself, town probably definitely takes itself a little less serious now, but the article was just kind of written in a funny way.It says, it says 15 adults of unquestioned integrity.
claim that they would go down to the magistrate and sign something saying that they saw this dildo monster.
That's what makes it real, baby.
It was these things like unquestioned integrity.There was another thing here, a guy named Mercer who describes it,
I'm not wicking off Wikipedia.I'm waiting off the fucking news article.I'll show you.Get fucked.Get fucked.The dildo monster right on top, dude.You see it?
Oh, it does look legit.That's right above the cocktails.
It's right above cocktails, yeah.Yeah, it's right above cocktails.You don't have to point that out.Anyway, I thought that the article was just a fun little gag to jump on.And it's a real thing.People report to see this fucking monster out there.
More than likely got them a little bit of attention when that article came out, especially the dildo monster.I would love to meet an actual dildo monster.Unfortunately, I was a tad let down when I read the description.
You know, and he wasn't necessarily dick shapes or dildo shapes of any kind, but.I mean, he could be.You can use your imagination there.Yeah.We can rectify that.It's true.
I imagine he has a phallus of some kind and I could always ask him what it looks like if I were to go to dildo harbor and meet him.Yeah.
I mean, five foot neck, three foot head, 50 feet long.Sounds about right.Yeah.The airplane tail's throwing me off, but you know.
Airplane tail's a little bit weird.
That's just for her pleasure.It's a little twirl on there. That's true.Just a little.
After you get down all 50 feet.That's dessert at the end.
He does the alphabet with it.Oh, yeah.It's good.
Yeah, he's really good.His giant buggy eyes really help.
It does.Yeah.A lot of people are into that.A lot of people are into that.Anyways.
Well, when you when you said he's he's 100 percent aquatic, I thought first I thought, no, that's stupid. And I thought, well, that makes a lot of sense because pussies get wet.So he's got to swim in the waters, baby.
You got to wet him up.Got to wet him up.He stays loose in him.He's the original jelly.Oh, the elder jelly.
I, you know, live in his shadow.Everyone lives in the shadow of the dildo monster.
That's true.That's true.You esteem to be you esteem to be.And that's all I have in the dildo monster.
I love that.I wonder what dildo used to mean if it didn't always mean what we know it to mean.
If they were naming a town, John dildo founded a town.
Oh, okay.Fair.All right.Those Canadians, I swear.Well, for myself, I have a story not far from Canada. from the wonderful state Washington and Mount St.Helens.So check this out.
I felt like this one was a good blend of things but more terrifying than the generic version here.I'm gonna tell you guys about the bat-squatch.
Literally, as you can probably guess, a bat and a Sasquatch mixed together for the most terrifying combination of things.
Oh my god, I thought that's just fucking Bigfoot in a fucking Batman costume.Just fucking haranguing boomerangs all over the place.Fucking 8-foot Dave in a Batman costume.Just fucking choking motherfuckers out.Doing kung fu.Doing kung fu.
And then like, you know, living in his mansion and shit because he's still rich and he's still Bruce Wayne at the end of the day.
His mansion's underground.That's why we can't find him, baby. I want to make a giant fucking Batman costume and take it out there now.
This is what I'm gonna do with my life Yeah dress in ape and then also dresses Batman.
I Mean hey from what no one's gonna get that squash I would say this definitely looks way more terrifying than a Sasquatch ever would right like we're talking Okay Anywhere between 9 and 30 feet tall I
Already way bigger, I think, than most Sasquatches could be, just saying, but also dog-like muzzle, blue fur, giant teeth, bird feet and leathery bat wings on the back.But we're not talking about like arms with bat wings.
We're talking about like, you know, like demon wings just coming out of his back.And he still has normal, crazy razor sharp claws at the end of his arms.
What?There's a 30 foot bat Squatch out there and no one's seeing it.
Yeah.I mean, a couple of people have seen it.There's just, you know, like the normal Sasquatch, no one believes the pictures that are taken.Always blurry in the background.Plus, you know, bat squash, he comes out at night.
Those are harder pictures to get.I'll give them that.
It's true.I think I like trail cams and shit.
I saw like a Reddit thing where some lady was like on a trail cam in the middle of the night. And she was out there probably just jacking off in the woods, and she got caught.
She's out trying to get some fucking demons out of her woods.
Exactly.John style.And Thomas Matsoukis, Matsoukakis, whatever the fuck his name was, I did the story, can't pronounce it.The guy that fucked his dog, he got caught in the fucking Cam Trail too.Just saying, Cam Trails catch everyone doing everything.
I feel like if there's not a basquatch on the Cam Trail, does he really exist?
Yeah.I mean, if you can't fuck your dog in America anymore.
That's the real problem, man.America's not America because I can't fuck my dog anywhere anymore, dude.
Check out our Mr. Hands episode.Check out our whatever the fuck that guy's name episode is. We got a weird amount of animal fuck in this podcast.
A lot of animal fuck in this podcast, man.We find it.
Just razor hot headlines.You know, you can't jump on them.Razor hot.Razor hot.So it's OK.Anyway, Sean, but people have reported seeing this bat squash.
Yes, actually the best part about this, and I think this makes sense with something like this coming from hell, you know, the first sighting was in 1980 shortly after Mount St.Helens erupted.
Okay.So that's when he came out.
He came out of it.I thought it was just an ash covered bear.Always on its back two feet though.Hey, bears are lazy.Let's just be real about that.You know, they're pretty damn lazy.
But hey, it's like flying red eyes, blue fur, giant, weird, like, you know, monster dog, uh, jaws, giant teeth, you know, slavering all the time.
No, I feel like that would stick out to me, you know, like I'd see that.
Well, it's like everyone who said they saw it, we're like driving somewhere around Mount St.Helens.So it's almost, no one really had time to whip out a camera or a phone or anything like that.
But every time they go back and talk about it, some of them do get blurry pictures.
What does a bat... What does a bat-squatch do?
Like, what's his prerogative?Like, what's he up to?What's his M.O.?I mean, hey.Is he draining cattle?Cattle?
I feel like, what do they have out in Mount St.Helens?Like, moose?He probably goes and just fights bears and then eats them when he, you know, wins the fight.
He just fucking DDPs a bear and eats its face off?
Practicing his fucking BJJ and all those bears out there I'm too fucking grotesque and big to get into a real gym, so I'm gonna practice on you guys, all right?
I feel like that's, you know, that's probably his real challenge.He's out there trying to, uh, Mr. Hands all the bears.He's out there killing them by fucking them with his giant demon cock.
Well, if he's Mr. Handsing them, wait.
Yeah.Wouldn't he be trying to get fucked by the bears?
No, no, no.He's just forcing his, he's just, he's forcing his anus over those bear penises.
I always just kind of thought Mr. Hands was the horse.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Yeah, that's true, but... Whatever.
Listeners, go back and listen to the episode and tell us.Yeah, you tell us.
Who's the horse in the bat squad fighting the bear?
That's your special homework tonight.
Yeah.You tell us.Jesus Christ.That's a viral video.I'd sure as fuck watch.Just saying.
That's our, it's like our fifth or our first step.Our fifth episode.
Yeah.It's top five somewhere.
I just think about this Batsquatch like,
coming up behind a bear and like trying to make it feel sexy you know before it escalates it's like no no no stop yeah let me don't stop let me do it let me hey just chill chill out chill out let me fuck you a little bit bear just stop
Do you like wine?What kind of wine do you like to drink?
Hey, what's your Insta handle?You know, chill out.Hey, chill, chill.Where are you going?Where are you going?Where are you going?And then it just rapes the bear to death.
I'm not sure how the situation got here.Well, I know how this is.
The one horrific park ranger sees it and is just like, I'm not going to say anything about this.
You know, Jellystone got really weird since since Yogi got out of here, man.
Well, I guess, you know, do people what is Mount St.Helens like a park still?Or is that like?
Well, right.I guess it's probably just like a hill, less mountain, more hill now.Yeah.Like it's somewhere people go.So like people would see it often or.
I think so.I think you could probably still go hiking in that area.
I know if I was around Mount St.Helens, I would want to go see Mount St.Helens if I was near it, you know?
Right.Let me go pull my eyes on this thing.But like as far as walking around in the woods by it, where you would, you know, if this thing's lingering nearby, if that's its home base, it's whatever.Portal.
Now that I know it's there.Day trips only.No overnight camping.I'm not going to get Mr. Hands by a demon bat squash.
That's true.You're too hairy.We can shave you up and make you a little bit less attractive to them if you want.Just don't dress so slutty.You fucking idiot.
I always go naked.That's how I fit in with the locals.
Basquatch would be like, it's kind of a small bear, but I'll fuck it.I'll fuck it.
You got a bigger dick than I'm used to.
Doesn't look like a bear dick though.That's weird.
Maybe he wants it in reverse this time.I could be top.I'm just saying.
You can get hard and fuck BatSquatch, a 30-foot Sasquatch badge.
Yeah, like that.Like that.Oh, you fucking slut.Oh, Jesus.
I'd get him to fly while we're there.
I'm going to erupt like Mount St.Helens.
Let it spray in and spray out.If bat squash wanted to give you some sloppy toppy, man, would you be allowed it?
With it's fucking razor sharp teeth dog mouth?Yeah, yeah.
Then yeah, okay.So yeah, there's some stipulations there, but ultimately, yes.Okay.
Yeah.Yeah.You'd say, hey, small bear, small bear, let me suck on your cock.Hey, small bear.
I gotta challenge this, baby.I gotta check everything off, you know?
Imagine some 30-foot blackened creature whispering to you in the nart of some fucking darkened woods.
Hey, gotta suck on your dick.Hey, smallish bear.Hey, smallish bear.Let's show me your cock.Let's show me your cock.
It's just a really rapey monster out there.
Yeah, yeah.That's all he does.He's just a fucking sex prender.That's it. Gotta get that guy on a list, you know, like that's a... This guy's fucking Law and Order SVU is gonna come out of Mount St.
But yeah, that's all I got on the bat-squatch.All the people who said they saw it, all sound like buttholes.Someone get a picture.Where's the trail cam?
There's a trail cam yeah, you know producing me a sucked dick or a trail camera.I believe in it.
I believe in shit Or a second bear dick sorry excuse me all right all right Hear me out Does this bear dick look sucked?Somebody's been sucking on this bear cock
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun, then fucking Ice-T shows up.Someone suck this bear's dick, man.
Someone, someone suck it on this bear's dick.Scratch that list, man.
That was what I was thinking.You watch a lot of SVU in the house.I do a pretty good Ice-T.
Oh, man.All right.Fucking Basquatch.Yeah, man.So just to recap, we had ghost elephants that weren't really like no story of the elephants dying or just elephant sounds after people died.
And then we had we had fucking dick worms in the Gobi Desert.
We had the dildo monster, you know, by the genius Jay Money.And then, of course, we had the bat-squatch who sucks bears off.So I think we nailed it for LKP.And I just want to sink one thing in.
We talked about Casper at the very beginning of this, so I just want that to be the intro.
We have to remember that we talked about fucking Casper a bunch, so... We can put Casper on the list with the Ninja Turtles.
And Franklin.And Franklin the turtle.Oh, poor Franklin.Didn't do nothing.
Didn't do nothing but hang out there, man.Well, we'll get one.Little Bill will come for you next, my dude.
Sorry, man.Some people get a bad shake.Sorry, Franklin.That's a bad one. We love you guys.Have a very spooky October.
Yeah, stay spooky out there.
Get your, uh, get your, uh, get your spook on.And if you guys want to, you want to come hang out with us, talk to us directly, uh, join our Patreon.That'd be cool.I think our dick pic, not our dick pics, our feet pics are still up there.
Dick pics, I guess.Maybe in the future.Probably not though.
Depends on how much.Depends on how much you want to donate.
Yeah, well, just the trunk pics, I think.We're just, we're advertising trunk pics.I think Ryan has to jack you off.I think Big Cat has to jack you off.
Oh, God, what the fuck?End the episode.What's happening?
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