Commissioner of Comedy Fight Club himself.Guys, give it up for The Shredder!
Tonight!Egos will be wounded, feelings will be hurt because we don't come here to make friends.We come here to fight! This is humiliation, this is brutality, anything goes, no holds barred, this is Comedy Fight Club!
Thank you all for coming out tonight, welcome to Comedy Fight Club, coming to you live from the CFC Arena!I am the commissioner of Comedy Fight Club, the sleeveless wonder of the world, New York Times comedian, Matt
Or maybe tonight the shirtless wonder of the world.We'll go with that also.Guys, I'm very excited for this show.This show is going to stream.You're watching this right now.
By the time you're watching this, it'll be Thursday night and election will have been stolen by the time people are seeing this.Crazy times, guys. I am very excited for this show tonight.
We have a fantastic lot of undercars, followed by an incredible main event.Two comics who started up in Connecticut together.They're in the headlining battle tonight.Ish Gupta vs Alex Tomaselli! A lot of you guys have been here before.
For those of you who haven't, this is a gross battle show.People are going to come up here, they're going to say mean, vicious, fucked up things to each other.Stuff that we're not supposed to say.
But, while you're having fun, no one's going to get offended.Does that sound good? We'll go over the rules here in the CFC arena.Two fighters will step on into the fighter's circle.They will each have five jokes, tit for tat.
Main event's gonna be seven jokes, and the winners of these fights will be determined by an amazing judges battle.Judges, come on up here, grab your seats.
But up first, not sitting behind me, sitting in front of me right now, from this point forward, each and every one of you is Comedy Fight Club.Because your applause won't count for one vote in each of these fights.
Which means Fight Club, I just have a whole lot of energy in here, what do you guys say?We got some energy in here for me tonight? So when I ask you who you think the winner is, you are going to clap for one fighter, and one fighter only.
You will not clap for both, because we can't have two winners, which leaves the most important rule here at Comedy Fight Club.No fucking pity class.Only if you know it tonight.No fucking pity class.No, this is Comedy Fight Club.
This is where sympathy comes to die.If someone's going to lose up here, you will let them lose with dignity.
Not only did only a few people know the rule, but as they started yelling it, they immediately lost confidence because they were the only few who knew it.But now, Faith, we are going to meet our judges.
Introducing first, he was the writer for Saturday Night Live.He is the only Peabody Award winning judge we've ever had here at Comedy Fight.Give it up for Eric Marino! What's up?How you doing tonight, Eric?I'm on mushrooms.I'm great, man.
Happy to have you.What do you think?You ready for these fights?
Well, first of all, I am here to make friends, everybody.Okay. Oh, well, be me.I'm looking forward to good fights, well-written fights.Guys, I'll say this.To those who are battling, what the judges say is, especially in my case, completely arbitrary.
And the judging, who wins and loses, is completely arbitrary.But here's the thing.Don't fucking lose.Do not lose.Don't lose.
Don't lose.Fight Club, whatever you do, don't lose.And give it up right now for Eric Marino!
It's a very tasty sandwich.There's like two white bread on the side.
We are going to meet our next judge tonight.He's been on Adult Swim.He's headlined this show at the Sam Comedy Club.Guys, give it up. A lot of Tony Hinchcliffe fans in the room tonight.Or are just people who don't know Tony Hinchcliffe.You know what?
This is a good room tonight, actually.They don't like politics.Hey, Bill, are you ready for this show?What are you looking for in the fight tonight?Footwear.Footwear?Lawrence will be judging based on footwear tonight.
You got issue on my both feet.
Fight Club, give it up for Lawrence Reed. One of our favorites here.She's headlined this show.She's done roasts in Austin and all around the country, LA.Give it up for Priya Blythe!It'll be cut out of the video.
It was an amazing opening set, everybody.You ready for this show tonight?Yeah, let's do it. All right, you've judged the show before.What are you looking for?What can the finalists do to get your vote?
You know, I just like it when people have fun and don't be a little bitch if you lose.I like it when people write the kind of jokes that make the other person, like, make life changes.
We want someone to be emotionally scarred tonight.Guys, give it up for Priya. And our final judge tonight, the other end of our white bread sandwich tonight on the judges panel.
He's been on America's Got Talent, Comedy Central's Roast Battle, and MTV's Wild'N Out.Give it up.How you doing tonight? Are you ready for this show, Jacob?
Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
All right, you've judged this show before.You've been on Comedy Central's Roast Battle.What can the fighters do to impress you tonight?
Yeah, I was on Roast Battle.I love roasting, but most of my experience was on Wild Note and Rap Battle, so I'd say if you want to impress me, make all your jokes rhyme perfectly.
Make all your jokes run, have good sneakers.Do we have any black people on the lineup?They're going to win, I think, tonight.But anyway, Fight Club, give it up for Jacob and all of our judges tonight.
And now, before we kick this off, I have to introduce our amazing DJ.Fight Club, give it up for DJ on the Spectrum. Now, Fight Club, what do you guys say?Are you ready to see some fights tonight?Now, I need more than that.
Comedy Fight Club, I said, are you ready to see some fucking fights tonight? Let's get this started up first, we have an undercard fight, so give your five jokes tit for tat.
Introducing first, he looks like the guy who takes things too far at the White Nationalist meeting, Travis Percivalski! What's up?Travis, how you doing tonight?I'm doing alright, yourself?Good, very excited.How you feeling?Ready for this fight?
I'm feeling timidly optimistic.Okay, we are going to meet your opponent now.He looks like he rapes women with vegan roofies, Matt Bowman!
when you introduced him somebody in the corner was just like whoa
I know my different brands are white people.How you doing tonight, Matt?I'm feeling alright.Not doing too bad.Good.
You ready for this fight?
I think so.Alright, it's going to be five jokes, ten per tat.Travis, Matt, the two first white names Lawrence would have guessed when he saw you guys.Which one of you would like to go first?I'm going to go first.
Matt's going first, Travis is going second.Fight Club, one more time, are you ready for this fight? Five jokes starting with Matt, this fight starts now.
You are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge.
Travis told me that he grew up lower middle class.It's like, we can tell brother.You look like you collect cigarette butts. Alright, thank you for taking time away from interrupting women to tell them you majored in gender studies.
Matt looks like he'd lecture you on how Kamala is the only viable candidate, just so you don't know that he's voting third party.Travis looks like he says, no man, I like no karate.Like I grow it.
I asked my girlfriend to help me write some jokes for tonight.I showed her Matt's picture and her direct quote was, he just looks kind of annoying.It's crazy.I showed my wife your picture and she said, he looks like he kills women.
Travis is due to be in a Jack Links and Bush Light commercial.He's also due to be in family court on Friday. Yeah, so, as you can see, Matt has a shitty mustache.He grew it because he has a baby face and he wanted to look more adult.
But he ended up just going from looking like a boy to their creepy uncle, you know?He used to look like he wanted to be in the Boy Scouts, now he just looks like he wants to be in a Boy Scout. Travis said he lost a lot of weight in high school.
Which begs the question, are you currently in middle school?If you don't know, Matt narrowly escaped a DUI in college.He got pulled over, he was drinking, they actually ran a breathalyzer test, and believe it or not, he blew the officer.
While escaping Poland, Travis's grandmother lost two toes to frostbite.And to honor her, Travis lost two toes to diabetes.Yeah, no, I feel like Matt has serious school shooter vibes, you know?
Not like he'd like shoot up a high school, just that he'd like shoot his shot in high school.
Fight Club, give it up for Matt and Travis!Damn, that just looked like a really boring Keystone Light commercial.We'll go to our judges.Fight Club, what do you say?Do you think the winner of this fight is Matt Bowman?
Okay, so the winner of this fight, Travis Perzebilski.Appreciate you, thank you.I got one, I got one, I got my audience, right?Alright, there's one vote for Matt Bowman.
Eric Burrito, which one of these two guys who got waded to Ron Paul in college do you think won this fight?
Travis, it was a great opening, you started great, the gender studies was great, I thought you were going to have it. your girlfriend for this one.I said what you said and it fucking sucked!
Matt took the first hit, but he came on strong towards the end and I think he felt it.It was a great start, great week, great job to start guys.I'm probably going to take more mushrooms.Okay, bye. I'm pretty sure that was a vote for Matt.
Oh shit, I voted for Matt.That was obvious when I said that his girlfriend's going to get hit tonight.
Here's going to take shrooms on election day walkout without marking anyone off.Lawrence, Rhys, what do you think?
Definitely Matt won this.Travis, asking a woman for comedy advice is a mistake.
I'm not gonna lie, your last name has way too many syllables and way too many letters and that's coming from an Indian person.You guys both look like you transitioned from eating real meat to soy recently.
Matt, I will say, I loved your middle school drum, so I'm going to vote for you.
There's another vote for Matt Bowman.He's got it wrapped up with Ginka Williams.
Final thoughts?Yeah, it seemed like a battle between the only two people that I could beat in a fight, I think.And I feel like you're both on this thing for, like, carried potheads or something.I like it.I like it.
Yeah, you both had some good stuff.I kind of feel like it's the election where I'm not super psyched to vote for either person.
I will gladly be honest for a few weeks.Here's another vote for Matt Bowman.Michael Funfike, give it up for your winner, Matt Bowman! Very excited for this next one.
Introducing first, you've seen him jerking off in the bushes across the street from a Sweet 16, Daniel Rivera! How you doing tonight, Daniel?Good.You ready for this fight?No.We are going to meet your opponent now.
She looks like she's had so many abortions, her next one's free.Victoria Lin!
I have a coupon folder in my wallet.
I think it's the punch card, right?The Planned Parenthood punch card.
It's like the electronics now.
I usually flirt with whoever I talk to about their abortions.You're right, Florence.Hey, are you ready for this fight, Victoria?I think I'm ready.All right, five jokes.Daniel, Victoria, which one of you two would like to go first?
All right, Victoria's going to go first.This date where the girl texts her parents so she says she has a plan so she has to go and leave early.Five jokes starting with Victoria.Michael, what do you say?Are you ready for this fight?
starts now okay so actually one of the first things that i ever heard about daniel was from one of my co-workers because he used to live in a school bus in her front yard so not only is he poor he's also definitely a predator
Daniel's school bus is kind of like the magic school bus, except for on the show the kids get to go home after the field trip.
Oh, it's fun to play with you. I wrote a poem about you, Daniel.Oh yeah, I'm excited.Roses are red, violets are blue.
Daniel gets no bitches, but I didn't need to tell you that.Just look at him and smell him.He kind of smells weird.You can probably smell me.
Victoria's actually one of the prettiest comics in Connecticut.Which is... also is.She's about the same size as an American Girl doll. if that American Girl doll backstory was all about her journey through STDs in America.
That's a beautiful thing.She's a survivor.Daniel was actually telling me, he was telling me about the time that he lost his virginity, and it was actually quite a traumatic experience.Not for him, for the girl when she woke up.
Victoria actually says that she used to be fat.Yeah, I'm sure she lost that weight in a super healthy way.Victoria's actually, it's funny because Victoria's a dumb blonde who used to be fat.
So when she heard she was doing a roast battle, she came here thinking she was just going to judge brisket.
Daniel, he lives by this term.He calls it the three Bs, okay?It's don't back down, don't text and drive, and don't ask for consent.
Wow, what a great audience.Victoria works for a radio station.It's in Connecticut.It's called 1029 The Whale, which is ironic because that was her nickname growing up.
A lot of people don't know this about Daniel, but he's actually the damn Daniel, okay?You might not recognize him because the white van's got a little dirty, and he also looks like Raucho Barnes now.No, see?Something's wrong.
Victoria has a radio DJ personality name.It's Vicky Six. After the influential bassist of Motley Crue, Nikki Sixx?You'd think it would be that.No.It's actually the name her stepfather would call out while he was fucking her.
Fight Club!Give it up for Victoria and Daniel!Just so you guys know, Daniel's also one of the prettiest comics in the world. We'll go to our judges.Jacob Williams, we'll start with you.What do you think of this one?
Yeah, this reminds me of that slogan, what happens in Connecticut should stay in Connecticut.But I feel like you both had worse hit rates than Trump's assassins.But you both had some good stuff too.But yeah, this is close.
Victoria did have something that rhymed, so that is my only... I guess I would do it differently, but it was fun for me.
There's a vote for Victoria Lange.Three at once.
This battle looks like the homeless guy that got food from a hot girl and then all of a sudden thought he had a chance with her.
Daniel, you look like you only grew your mustache out because you got pussy like a year ago and you're trying to savor the smell. I enjoyed Victoria's jokes a lot more.
There's a vote for Victoria.And our DJ was real happy about it.Fight Club, we're going to go to you guys now.Do you think the winner of this fight is Daniel Rivera? Or is the winner of this fight, Victoria Lange?Crowd vote goes to Victoria.
Lawrence Reese, what do you think of this one?That shit was ass.
Where did you find these two names?Connecticut.Like, I know the crowd picked her, but she wasn't that much better than me.Like, they was trash, bro.How did that Connecticut sneak into Europe?
One vote for DJ on the spectrum.Three for Victoria.So Victoria's got it wrapped up, but Eric, we're in a final thoughts.
I'm voting for you, just so you know.Why?Because he needs it, that's why.No, no, no.Puerto Rico's been through enough this past two weeks.As it was established earlier, because I wouldn't know it, because I am a profiler racist.
I think you kind of had it when you said the thing about the bus.But we didn't use homelessness.That was like, it tipped the whole battle.Your joke about the magic bus didn't follow it up.
But it's like, now we were pitying him, and then you were just being the mean girl.I think your third joke probably should have been your first joke. I don't remember, but that's my definite sense.
I'll be specific for someone I'm not sure about.I'm going to give you all tips later tonight.
All right, bye everybody, that's it.
All right, Eric Gordon for his son in this one.Come on, guys, give it up for your winner, Victoria Lane. These battlers, they both found out they were facing each other yesterday, 24 hours notice.They're fucking warriors, they're still here.
What do you say?Are you ready for this fight?Introducing first, he just got back from his role as a dairy drag queen, Gene Perry!
What's up, Jaden?How are you doing tonight?I am ill-prepared, but let's fucking do this.All right.We are going to meet your opponent now.It's proof that not all Mexicans work hard.Give it up for Marcus!Hooray!What's up?
Battle between the two most annoying parades in New York. How are you feeling tonight, Marco?
I'm feeling good.I went on a date earlier, and my shirt, my balls are blue.Can we go with that one?Boo!
We're going to prove New York can be just as bad as Connecticut tonight, guys.Let's do it.
I'm excited for this one.
Keenan, Marcus, which one of you two would like to go first?
Marcus is going first.Keenan's going second.Fight Club, I need some energy because that's all we have right now.Are you ready for this fight?Five jilts starting with Marcus.This fight starts.
Jaden Perry looks like a metalhead and he is also a drag queen.He identifies as LGBTQ104.3 K-Rock.
You know, it's funny, watching your act, my first thought was, this is the kind of guy that says, yeah, I'm like a lesbian deep down inside.Meanwhile, you wouldn't know how to eat pussy if you had to.
Is that my turn?Jaden does drag shows.I feel like he looks like a guy that went to a drag show to see cars, but he stuck around at a real drag show and was like, I think I like this.
Listen to your act.You sound like that guy that went to college but never once hit class.
Jaden's Instagram bio says comedian, actor, singer, dancer, and plus-size model but his face just says racist.
I'm gonna have to bow out of this one, man.I couldn't fucking write shit.
Just keep going, I deserve it.Jaden is actually part of the Ku Klux Klan.He tried to start the first drag show in his chapter called KKK.Jaden believes in segregation, segregating vegetables from everything he eats. This is part of his cake.
He's getting off on this right now.
You don't get that many chances to make fun of a gay nigga.
Give it up for Jaden and Martin!Give it up for Martin! Okay, I think we have a winner by knockout tonight.Also, we'll go to the judges, but first of all, the college, wrong room to make fun of someone for being uneducated.We'll go to our judges.
Eric Marino, tell us why you think Marcus won.I'm voting for Lawrence.
by the way it was a lovely I loved your opening just so you know the funniest thing is like when you said the thing about the previous two two comics ago you said the thing about the National Front you know white supremacist
I think you're a masochist and part of your kink is you clearly like to get peed on.You like to be humiliated in public.I think you gave up on purpose.As part of a fetish, you're a kink.I vote for Lawrence.
He looks like he showed up to a Klan rally with perfectly manicured sheets.
Lawrence Reese.Anytime anyone can make fun of a gay person in public, I'll call you.
I'm with this thing.All right.Hold on.What kind of Mexican are you?Ecuadorian.Ecuadorian.I haven't heard of that part of Mexico, but I believe you. Yeah, every voter for Lawrence is like me writing in Cornell West this week.It's pretty oblong.
Equinorians make ass tacos, but apparently they write decent jokes.
Wait, Jaden, you really do drag?Yeah.
As who, Mr. and Mrs. Claus?
yeah all right there's another vote for marcus miss mr and mrs lawrence is one of the elves who got stuck in the chimney I've wrestled before.Yeah.Marcus has the rap, Jacob Williams.
I can totally do drag, because once you perform, what's the track?
All right, congrats, Marcus.
Another vote for Marcus.Guys, fun fight.Give it up for your winner, Marcus Perez. for Tad.Introducing first, he looks like he's good at math except the part when he counts calories, Jameson Cox!Now, fan shoes.White guy shoes on.
Jameson, first time doing Fight Club here.How are you feeling?You ready for this show?Yeah, I'm excited.It's going to be fun.All right, we are going to be your partner now.She looks like a schizophrenic Olive Garden waitress.Give it up for
How you feeling tonight, Hunter?
I'm a little triggered by your tank top, but I'll be alright.
Okay, you ready for this fight?Alright, it's five jokes.Jameson, Hunter, which one of you two would like to go first?Ladies' choice.Go for it, baby.Okay.Jameson's going first, Hunter's going second.Fight Club! Battle of the two rich white guy names.
What do you say?Are you ready for this fight?Five jokes starting with Jameson.This fight starts now.
Hunter is very quirky.She's like Zoe Deschanel if the name of the show was Ew Girl. Her last relationship was 500 days of bummer.
Jameson and Cox, two of my favorite things combined into my least favorite person.Yeah, Jameson looks like the dad you hope will leave.
Keep it going for the daughter Liam Neeson wouldn't save. when she calls.
Jameson considers himself a nice guy who treats women well, but they still have to look at him.You know, how can you think you're a nice guy, Jameson, when every time a woman sucks your dick, she has to wear your gut as a silly hat?
Not very emotionally intelligent, Jameson.That's me.
Hunter is single with no kids and in her 30s.Her biological clock is giving her the light.
Thank you so much, young Santa.Jameson is going to vote for Kamala in this election, not just because he's been pretending to be a feminist for a long time to get pussy, but also because Jameson likes people who laugh when nothing is funny.
He needs them to fill up his shows.Let's forget all that.
It's lacking basic instruction.
actor, her first gig was the decoy in a child molester ring.She thought The Catcher Predator was a dating show.
I don't know him.Someone put him up there.I don't know who he is.
Yeah, okay, Jameson is engaged to a doctor to give himself a better chance of surviving his first heart attack. Good job!Um, yeah, uh, Jameson's fiance is one of the least shallow people out there.
Um, probably, uh, because she got engaged to a fat, ugly piece of shit.
Last joke.Uh, crazy to think Hunter's single.I mean, she's such a cat.She's successful, cute, and always shows up drunk. I thought you were telling me to shut up.
Yeah, well, he was.Yeah, Jameson's the kind of guy who calls himself a history buff.He's actually a little more like a history buffet.Yeah, Group 5 restaurants switched from a la carte to, oh sorry, Oh fuck, I fucked it up.
That would have been a good one because you're fat.Fight Club!
Give it up for Hunter and Jameson!Jameson did the Liam Neeson jump, but Hunter will never be taken.We'll go to our judges.We'll start with you guys on this one.Do you think the winner of this fight is Hunter Wright?
Or is the winner of this fight, Jameson Cox?I don't know what you guys are thinking.I think that was what half of America will be doing on Tuesday, sitting at home.Eric Marino, we'll come over to you.What do you think?
It was like Intensity from Hunter against Actual Jokes from Jameson.It was a little bit mean-spirited.You were just talking about a fat piece of shit a lot.You did actually meet the girl, the virgin, that was funny
coming out, the wearing the gun as a hat, I felt personally and I was horrified.This is the younger me.I think you had a perfect retort about the giving of the light.I'm going to Jameson because I'm not going to vote for the DJ on this one.
All right, so that's one vote for Jameson.Getting the in-cell vote.
I feel bad for you, man.You had to have a conversation with her before this.That shit was awful, man.That was bad, bro.You actually wrote great jokes.You just finally learned how to dance.
Nah, I'm not voting for him.You're not voting?
He can't because he's a felon.Oh, nah.
I'm not told, but you know felons can vote, bitch.I didn't know that, Priya.
He's not voting?I didn't know that.I'm what we call a low information host tonight.Priya Blunt.
So it's funny because, like, your name is Hunter, but he looks like he's been thinking about how to skin you this entire time.Don't waste your time.I feel like her vagina tastes gamey.Like, I'll just let you know.
That being said, I will say the joke about her biological clock getting to light makes me want to change my life, so I'm going to let you know.
There's another vote for Jameson.Jacob Williams.
Yeah, I was definitely jealous of the people watching on YouTube because they could fast forward through as much as they wanted.But yeah, you both had some good stuff, kind of.But yeah, I would say I would vote for Jameson.
Another vote for Jameson.Guys, fun fight.Give it up for your winner, Jameson Collins. Introducing first, she looks like a white dude for her, it's Paige Hawkinson!What's up Paige, how you doing tonight?Good, I'm excited.Okay, stop laughing.
You ready for this fight?I can't wait.Alright. We are gonna be your opponent now.He's the host of the Man Whore Podcast.Proof that you can get laid without a good body or personality, Billy Prisino! What's up, Billy?How you doing tonight?
I chipped a tooth of mine like two hours ago, so I'm very uncomfortable.Now you're here to help us roleplay the super senior meeting with the guidance counselor?You ready for this fight, Billy?Sure, man.Alright, five jokes, tip or tap.
Paige, Billy, which one of you two would like to go first? First battle, you want to go first?Sure, I'll go first.Paige is going first, Billy's going second.Fight Club, what do you say?Are you ready for this fight?Five jokes starting with Paige.
Do you think your Wu-Tang sword can defeat me?
Hey guys, try not to blink during this roast.Billy needs you to look at him.Billy posts a lot of naked pictures online.The NSA says, it's all good.We've seen enough.When Billy goes to the airport... I stepped on my own toe.
When Billy goes to the airport, they let him walk around the scanner.They already know. Billy loves to knit and be naked on the internet.Watch out women.He's coming for our jobs Okay, sorry, sorry that wasn't my naked portion
Where's your Jill Stein fan fiction going?Doesn't Paige look like the middle school teacher who knows too many rap lyrics?
I am a middle school teacher.Unfortunately, Billy can't get a thousand feet within the school.
Thank you for dressing as Sex Negative Halloween tonight, by the way.Paige lives the classic queer girl double life.She's an angsty bisexual with a boyfriend in the streets. And an angsty bisexual with a Republican boyfriend in the sheets.
Billy has cat-like features.He's also like a cat because his butthole is everyone else's problem.
Faze is your typical awkward white lady. tries to get out of any uncomfortable racial situation using finger guns.
Billy is going to be president in 2040 because no one can blackmail him about anything.He already has a lot in common with one of the current candidates.He's a narcissist and he's definitely given a microphone a hand job.
I kind of feel like I'm nailing it.
Paige tried non-monogamy once upon a time, didn't work out.I think it's because she kept ending every threesome with finger guns.
Billy hosts a podcast where he interviews women he's had sex with.He's HR and these are their exit interviews.
They say it was cancer, but I think it's because she kept ending every FaceTime call with her with finger guns.
I don't do finger guns, but Billy seems like he loves them.The only videos I've seen of Billy wearing clothes is he's wearing a Jets jersey.Billy, you don't have to invent the whole concept of a naked show because you're embarrassed of your team.
Oh, we have more?Okay.Paige has a dad, a stepdad, and a dead mom.Which is the beginning of any good choose-your-own-taboo adventure story. Finger guns!Finger guns!
Sorry that I undercut that joke.I do do finger guns sometimes.Billy likes to date... Billy likes to date older women.Older women like him because he has the chubby cheeks of a newborn baby.As I've established,
Paige has big finger gun energy.She inherited that from her dad, who had big fingering his daughter energy.Finger guns, everybody.
Fight Club, give it up for Billy and Paige! That's the last time I fuck two people with the same polycules face up.We'll go to our judges.Jacob Williams, we'll start with you.
I think you're like the middle body in the evolutionary chart that starts with her and ends with Billy.What do you think of this fight?
Yeah, this was a great match between, I guess, Bubba and Shaggy. Um, I guess, uh, yeah, I felt like it was close.I'm not sure, uh, could I win?
you look like you'd whip out like a baggie of small white powder uh but it's just sour sourdough starter and i will say i don't think your jokes are going to make billy wear more clothes but i do think his jokes are going to make you do way less finger guns i'm voting for billy yeah all right there's a vote for billy proceed on the lawrence race i think it's more of a battle between velma and the band
hit on her during the battle.She was like, I don't love myself.I'm not going to love you either.So it was pretty bad.I'm high as shit right now.
It's like the job coming to the library saying he wants to learn how to read.
So who do I vote for again?
Someone, so we don't go to overtime.I'm voting for Priya.
okay I love your energy I want you to keep doing it I love that you had a whole naked section you didn't know it was tip for tat you stuck your neck My vote is a very lovely job and keep doing it, but be funnier in the future.
I don't know, I don't know.One for Paige, one for Ben.Bring us an opportunity to do the funniest thing ever.I'm going to Jacob.Jacob, I'm not going to go to the audience and I don't want to force you to clap for them. Whoever you pick is the winner.
This is a lot of pressure.This was an okay battle day in New York City.This would have crashed into Connecticut for sure.Can I go to the audience?
I don't like... Phone a friend.I'll go to the audience.Guys, clap loudly, but only for the person who you think won.Do you think the winner of this fight is Paige Smith Hogan? Or it's the winner of this fight, Billy Procida!
I went to the audience, it's getting confusing.Winner of this fight, Billy Procida! And now, Fight Club, it is time for our main event of the evening!These two have been doing the show.They've been on it before.They're two of the absolute best.
Guys, I need all the energy you have.Are you ready for this main event? It's gonna be seven jokes, 10 for 10.Introducing first, he just got back from, I assume, winning a spelling bee, Eesh Gupta!Yeah!What's up, Eesh?
I've never been to Connecticut.I live here.I live in Bushwick.That is my neighborhood.
facing a former roommate of yours.It's going to be an interesting fight.We are going to meet your opponent now.He always looks like he just lost everything.Give it up for Alex Tomaselli!
I can't believe you drove here from Connecticut.
What's up, Matt?Most of this battle is going to be, no, you're from Connecticut.How you doing tonight?
I'm chilling, man.I'm chilling.Happy New Year.
You ready for this fight?Of course. All right, seven jokes.Alex, Eesh, which one of you would like to go first?Let that bitch go first.He had the longer trunk.Eesh is going first.Alex is going second.
Fight Club, everything you have, give me some energy for this main event.Five jokes, seven jokes starting with Eesh.This main event starts.
Selly and I were both weed dealers in college, and Selly got caught and I didn't.Can you imagine being Italian and knowing that an Indian guy is better at committing crime?
You guys, Hasan Minhaj, Aziz Anzari, Akash Singh, each, thank you for showing us the opposite of that still fucking sucks.
Selly has a comedy podcast called Do you guys get it?I think the most offensive part of calling it a comedy podcast is calling it a comedy podcast.
You know why that joke bombed?Because a bunch of Indian dudes didn't show up in back of him and start dancing.Thank you.Ish Gupta.What a beautiful name.
Um, it's actually the first phrase his mom uttered when she gave birth to him, which translates roughly to, I just shit a faggot out of my extra smelly pussy.But rule aggression!
Uh, Sally, I'm glad you'd be here.I'm glad you could take a break from ranking the Fast and Furious movies.Perfectly normal.
Fast Five is the best, dude.
Alex Wentz, he's right.Sally, it looks like he'd let you hit his blunt and then Venmo requests you for $4.
going oh yeah and he fucked the kids
I lived with Sully for a little bit, and he would get very angry and loud when playing video games in his room.There was a lot of noise coming from his room.There was never any noise coming from his room when he had a woman over, though.
There was a lot of no's.Each after he lived with me, his apartment burned down.That's true.And that's the only way to get the Indian smell out of everything.
Selly's favorite show is the Sopranos.It's his favorite show to re-watch.It's his second favorite thing to re-watch.The first favorite thing is the Charlottesville car crash.
Isha are like Eskimo brothers like three times over and I followed up with three of these dumb broads today and every one of them said they would rather date a bus raping Indian before hearing each other I'm gay.That's how it goes.Tequila Drips.
I can't explain this, but I feel like Selly has ordered a Happy Meal within the last year.
You know who's never ordering Happy Meals anymore?The families of Sandy Hook, which each is from Sandy Hook.Each has done fundraisers for Sandy Hook. You can look this up, they quoted this after he did one of their fundraisers.
We would rather dig up our kids and shoot them in the heads ourselves than listen to Isha's comedy ever again.Alright, okay.
It's fine, I'm from Connecticut, I'm here.It's true, my town is known for shooting, unlike Sally who's only known for bombing. Oh, that's true.No, it's true.Sandy Hook was the worst day of my life.
The best day of my life was when Sally moved out of Connecticut.
context, Eesh actually went pedophiling with the guy once.Boy, he left immediately when he realized our roommate meant different baby girls.You know what I mean?It's an Indian to talk like that.
Yeah, they do.It's a beautiful language.Fight club!Was that seven?I don't want to do this next one.Fight club! I never heard pedophiling as a verb before.Is that what they do when you go out pedophiling together?
That's what they call it on the streets?We are going to go to you guys first fighting club.Do you think the winner of this fight is Alex Tomaselli? I may disagree with your Fast and Furious ranking, but that's what it was.
Eric Marino will come over to you, wouldn't you think?
There's a lot of questions.Usually a battle doesn't come up with so many questions.All of a sudden I want to click on to learn more about this pedophile routine.I want to know how old you were during Sandy Hook. For the next episode of the podcast.
Yeah, I feel like you guys should fucking do a podcast about your creepy fucking lives.Okay, I'm gonna go with Alex as my vote.He had a couple more laughs, the backing joke.He bounced back from some things.
He lost some things, but it was lovable.Alright, he lost some things, just like how people in San Diego lost some things. I'm working on my segways too, guys.One vote for Alex.Lawrence, which one of these Crisis Actors do you think won?
You got a point.Y'all just said a lot of wild shit with no fucking backstory.That's the name of the podcast, Backstory.
And were they the same girl that he brought?
And then he went, did you pick him up at Sandy Hook?I was wondering, hey, when I saw some pop, I wanted to know some shit.
Sounds like there's a lot of shooting your shots going on in their lives.
And then he made fun of you for not having bitches.Like he's Mr. Bitches.And then he said, you ain't got shit, you know more shit about bombing than an Indian?
We got too much for Alex, none for Mr. Bitches.Priya Blunts, what do you think?
Now it is.But what was it?Well, you guys... No.Okay, so it was pills you guys were selling.I really like your, the only way to get the Indian smell out of things is to... Wait, what's the, what's the, how's it looking so far?
What's the, what's the breakdown so far?
Right now it's one to one, or two to nothing. Two for Selly, no vote for each yet.I'm going to keep it interesting.
I'm going to keep the vote for each, but I did love that joke about the bird.All right, one for each.Two for Selly.Jacob Williams.Yeah, this was like Slumdog Conradare versus School Shooter McGavin.I don't know.
Actually, I'm not saying that School Shooter was also fast and furious.But, oh.
It's even, so we could go to overtime and give the joke that Eesh audibly said.I don't want to say this one.
Fight Club, we're gonna do it!We're gonna go to sudden death overtime!
It's not really that good.We are going to go to overtime.One joke apiece.We started with, uh, who did we start with? Starting with you in the first round.Going to start with Eesh in overtime.Alex is going to... No.Starting with Eesh.
We're going to start with Alex now.Overtime.Michael, what do you say?Are you ready for sudden death overtime?One joke apiece starting with Alex.Overtime starts now.
This is not about any comic in this room. Sally's a real New York comic now, and if you don't know what that means, it means I book him in Connecticut and he acts above the show the whole time.
Um, how come Eesh somehow looks like a more poor, bitch-ass Hasan Piker who teaches not-hot yoga?
Man, go back to the weird shit.
Sorry, man.I only did seven! I thought we had a fucking happy job!What's a joke in that?
Neither one of you can make the pedophile.I'm not from Connecticut.You're a loser from Connecticut!He lived with a pedophile and then I moved in.He's been living with a pedophile for a long- Wait, oh!Oh, okay, there we go!
You've been living with a pedophile for a year and a half, and then I move in and he gets caught.
Deep tech support for the pedophile.
I didn't have another year with a pedophile. I'm making revelations. Wow, so black we can't snitch on pedophiles.Crazy.All right, so is that a vote?
Is that Lars voting for Eesh?
Nah, I want to hear what one does.They didn't do it.Eric picks the one.I'm still going for my man over here.There's a vote for Alex.
I'm going to say Eesh, because this joke at least got some chuckles inside of it.
What joke?What joke?Jacob.All right, this is for Eesh.Alex is getting earnestly mad.
Jacob, what do you think?
Two votes for Eesh.Lawrenson, vote.
All right, I'm voting for Alex. Jesus Christ!Fight Club, clap loudly for the only person you think won.Is the winner of this fight, Alex Tomaselli?See this shit?Or is the winner
I can't imagine living with the two of them so I've never said before I feel bad for the pedophile
Fight Club, to close us out, you've been hearing them all night, give it up for DJ on the Spectrum!
Oh yeah, oh man, it's a pleasure to be here at Connecticut Fingergutting Club. I don't know if you remember from three hours ago when Priya was bitching about gentrification, but the Kineticunts are invading the comedy scene.
I don't know what to feel about it.I keep reporting these guys. We're losing our locally-grown talent.We're understaffed tonight.For those unaware, I am filling in for the now-retired goofball of Comedy Fight Club.
May he rest in power, Patrick Haggerty.Coming out here week after week for four years, constantly reinventing himself, finding new ways to call people slurs. No, it's just me, just me and Matt now, double duty in it.
I'm here to review some of these here fights.The first battle was a real mid-ass white guy versus another real mid-ass white guy.It was like Tim Waltz versus J.D.Vance.
I can't figure out the difference between them ever, and I will probably never care about either of their policies.Then we had the immigrants down.Dude, even their fucking Puerto Ricans look like boring white child's legs.
Yeah, your opponent couldn't think of any actual insults.He was just like, she used to be fat the whole time.Just imagine her 12 years ago. Then we had, uh, we had fuckin' Hunter Wright and, uh, tall, tall guy.That was a good one.
That was, uh, that was different.I mean, for the standard.Just spiced it up a little bit.Then we had, uh, then we had Pagers, uh, Billy, yeah, um, Pages looks like, uh, Pages looks like Hunter just got back from rehab.
Like, uh, just re-engined studies.Like that. I don't know about you guys, I really wanted a double overtime where the pedophile got the mic.So much just will go ungranted.I'm in whatever my name is.Thank you.
Michael, give it up for DJ on the Spectrum.Now, Michael, I need you to give it up for all the fighters you saw on this show tonight.Give it up for our judges. Thank you all for coming out tonight.We'll see you next week.Same time, same place.
Thank you all very much.Have a good night.
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