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Who are these two idiots?A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.Not a you two or something.We're bad friends.
You like to do badminton?No.Okay, probably football.American football.Yeah, baseball.Baseball, basketball.Yes.That's your thing.Yeah, not hockey.I don't really do hockey.Yeah, I don't do hockey either.I only do soccer.Yeah, and do you know why?
Because I'm... Because you have little feet. Dude, you want to tell Zlatan Ibrahimovic that he has little feet?I will tell him that.Dude, he's got six foot nine feet, dude.Yeah, he's a big mother.He's a big guy.He's not six foot nine, but he's tall.
Do you know him?No, dude, if I saw him, I would melt.Really?
Yeah, I would be like, oh, I don't know what to say to you.You're from Sweden.You think you would go back, you would get knocked back into Korea? What do you mean?Like Korean accent?You'd say, I don't know what to say to you.
Yeah, whenever I'm around to celebrate, I go back to, you know, Korean.Yeah, Korean guy.Yeah, yeah, yeah.But you look good.I saw you yesterday.Jomon.
I, you didn't technically.Oh, no, no.I tell you what you did last night.It was bullshit.Tell him what, tell him.And out of pocket.Yeah.And insincere and deceptive and created chaos within my own life.Yes.Right.And I don't like it.Tell him.
I don't like it.When you come into town and you create chaos.Yeah.And with your diabolical, if you don't get me one, dude.Chrissy Chaos.Thank you, dude.
It looks like all cream dude, oh, you know lactose intolerant though Thank you
It's all cream, dude.I like Carlos.Carlos is in good shape on top.He's got a chubby little butt.
Dude, not that it's a chubby butt.It's a Brazilian butt situation.
You know what?Carlos has got a butt like a toddler butt.
I've never seen a toddler's butt, but I'm taking your word for it.
If I pulled out a picture of my three-year-old's butt and Carlos, you wouldn't know which one is... Yo, it's just that... How many kids do you have again?Three kids.Three kids.Yeah.Is one of the butts of your kids not good?
No, they all got good butts. From you?Yeah.No, no, from their mom.Their mom has a really good butt.And all my kids were born with tattooed lips on their ass cheeks.
Ooh, you like that?You request that or is that genetics?It's genetics.Whoa.Can we go back to last night?Yeah, let's go back.So I'm at the improv.I'm sitting there with some people, a couple of girls, some guys, you know, my agents are there too.
Oh, really?And their assistants.Yeah.Yeah.And you come up from behind and then you kiss me on the cheek and then you try to kiss me on the lips and then you just kind of leave.Right.And I had to explain.
It took about 20 minutes to tell people that we're not gay lovers. No, dude, I'm not gay.They're like dude that seemed like super intimate and yeah, you're gonna see your husband.
Yeah tonight I go he just does that we just do that Yeah, and I just next time you do that in front of strangers, right?
You need to explain to people that this is not just a heterosexual, but then I said but then I said to you but then I said to you because you told me you were sad and then I and then I what I did was when I was kissing you and then I slapped you a Little bit and I felt like I slapped you too hard.
No, it wasn't her heart cuz I wrote to us and you never wrote back I said, sorry that last slap was unintentionally too hard
I know that that's not I was mad at the slap.
I said I love you It's the kisses that home if you ever want to talk.
Yeah, and then I prefer slaps and kisses Okay, but I just cuz I felt like you know like we have a thing where you know I kid cuz I kissed you once on the head cuz I really missed you and then I liked the way it felt so I kissed you more mmm, and that's what it was Yeah, yeah, I know but just kiss me once
Even the king gets kissed on the cheek once one time.
I mean if as a peasant if I got to kiss the king Yeah, I'd want to kiss him more Yeah, but I would only kiss him once and then I kiss and then you were sweating was warm out yesterday And then I tasted cabbage on my lips for the whole the rest of the night.
Yeah, pickled cabbage kimchi.Kimchi joke.That was a really good joke.
Thank you Yeah, yeah, cuz most people just said kimchi, but I want to go to the root Yeah, Jomon, you know what Jomon is?Jomon is let me guess J-o-m-o-n Jomon Jomon is a
It's not a black guy's name Pickled cabbage sliced up in a pan with egg then you put it that you with egg and grated cheese Then you mix it in to dough and you kind of make like a healthier bread.That's it's not a food Oh, come on.
Yeah Jackson.Yeah.Yeah, it's one of them.No Jamal Wayne's It's the 12th Wayne's brother.What is your mom?What is your mom?Oh Well, I found out that Jamones were the Koreans before the Koreans and Japanese before the Japanese.Really?
And they didn't look, they didn't look Asian.So I don't know what the fuck happened.They kind of looked like, they kind of looked like, let me guess, like Chris O'Donnell.
Okay.What's his name, is that his name?Oh, Robin from Batman and Robin, Chris O'Donnell.He's gay, right?What?Chris O'Donnell is gay.
Why?He was gay in the movie.Well, Robin is gay.That was the gayest, yeah.Robin is gay.Yeah, yeah.I don't think, is Robin gay? Um, I think so because he's wearing pink and yellow and stuff.
I mean red and yellow and green He's just kind of like a sidekick kind of well, robin's a gay bird, right?They should have picked a different they should have picked a different bird.Like what?What's a good one?Bird of paradise.
Yeah, or like go more gay go more gay.Yeah.
Yeah a seagull look at don's gay, right?Don de pedra is my friend.
He comes a lot.Him and I do.
We have a connection.But you don't see him if he doesn't come with me.You don't see him Yeah, of course not.No.But he wants to always reach out and he doesn't feel comfortable if he could reach out to you in Santino.I told him he can.
Yeah, but why would you want to reach out?He wants to hang out.He gets lonely here and he only sees you when you're with me.Oh, that's right.
That's right.That's right.That's right.That's right.Yeah.Yeah.Weren't you the one that back in the day... So can I ask you a question?Yeah, what's in the guy the last time they got us Kovac?Yes, that's him.
Yeah, that's him done Yeah, yeah, that's not and I got he switched his cell because he wore you thought oh, I'm gonna grow this mustache to me Yeah, look more.
You know, I mean, but he just grows the mustache.He doesn't grow the beard.He told him it doesn't look good Yeah, looks like Yosemite Sam.But yeah, yeah, but gay from Hollywood.Yeah, you still do stand-up.
But you were supposed to come tonight, but you're not gonna come now.
You said you told me the other day I'll tell you what I got invited to something else.What happened?Well, I got invited to a party that I never get invited to and I think I have to go politically What what's who's the can we can you tell tell me?
Well, yeah, I can tell you but um, you know, I
What?Why are you smiling?Carlos is about to give you a black eye like he gave his kid one.
This guy's Sonny.You know Sonny?He's a showrunner for beef.Oh, good.Right.And so, you know, Ali, all these guys are Asian community.Yeah, they're going to go.And I missed the last year.
And I, you know, got invited this year and I was like, I should go.Is there one of them that you want to get out though?Like between like... I don't want to go to any of them!I don't want to go to any of them!
I go to fucking... I went to that one event a couple, two months ago, was it?
No, not the Asian Excellence.It was like the fucking Golden, you know what I mean?Phoenix or whatever they fucking had.Yeah.Yeah.And I went downtown.They gave me a shitty table.
I'm with Marco Cho, all these fucking people, all the cool Asians get in the front.And I got to sit there and watch presentations and see Michelle Yao's back of her head.
I don't want to do it anymore, man.I want to be around my people, my white, dirty whites.I'm a dirty white more than a Korean, dude.Yeah, you are.Yeah, I like the dirties, man.Yeah, we're good.Shaggies, dude.Yeah.You guys are not well kept.Yeah.
Yeah, because yeah, it's a musky.I'm getting sick of it, too There's too many it's too much like it's don't say there's too many Asians.
Well, no, there are there's too many No, it's not there's too many Asians, but it's just like there's it's it's becoming a thing now where it's like we I can't get in You know what?I mean?
You could you'll never get in I can't get into the Asian thing.
Well, you'll you want to get in I I do.
I think because if I, you know, me, I'm all about procreating, but I don't want to make more white people.That's why I have Puerto Rican kids.
But the next thing is, if the things end with me with Puerto Rican, I want to go to the Asians.So I want to, I'm- Well, let me say something.
I'll make a call to George Takai.I would love that.Hello?Yeah.Hello?He's still alive.George Takai.I go, Takai, what's up?Yeah.Yes?Yeah.And I'd be like, are you sucking dick right now?Yes. He loves it.Wait, where's Andrew?Why isn't he here?
Where'd he go?God, we both, you know what's the problem with you and I?Yeah.We both have the same mental disaffection.That like, it just doesn't, there's no cohesive.Yeah, but that's okay.
It's just random.I like it.Here's the truth.It's half the fan base, no matter what, chooses Andrew isn't here, they shut the pot off anyway.So there's really nothing I could do.
I don't know, I don't know.
I don't think so.I don't know.No?Okay.Well, if you're still here, thank you.
I think the reverse would be true. Oh, if you, if... I know.I'm kidding.No, let's not.Cut that out.You'll get rid of it.
Yeah.I do find it interesting that... Can you cut this part out or no?Yes.Maybe.Oh, maybe.All right.
So, it's interesting that Andrew called me today and he's like, wait, because you're doing this movie and then, like, you're going to Cobb's and this and that.It's like, you're not going to be in town.
We got to... Back like I go, oh, it's... I'm sorry.When you go out on and doing things, right, I fill in with another guy, but he's never done that. He's never filled in with another person.
When he went to Australia to do that fucking thing with the fucking good-looking whites, you know what I mean?What's it, the George Sheena?Yeah, yeah, yeah, Hugh Jackman.George Sheena and the Hugh Jackman, whatever it was, you know what I mean?
Whatever that, Stakkanaka?Yeah, George Stakkanaka.Yeah, George Stakkanaka.What was that movie?Sticky Nicky.Sticky Nicky.Sticky Nicky, dude.Yeah.When he did Sticky Nicky, I had to fill in four times or whatever, right?
He's never filled in for me when I was on the road.Give me one episode.
He did it with Little Dicky.
Yes.He did one time here with Little Dicky.
He did one with Kalilah. Yep.
Oh, you did?Mm-hmm.OK, well, let's move on then.
I actually think, I believe I even co-hosted one with Andrew when you weren't here.I believe I did.I've been mistaken.
I've been mistaken, and I'm wrong.Yes.I want to think I did two episodes with him, actually.And then Andrew and I seriously started talking about how maybe him and I should just do the podcast.And we started texting you, and you got very upset.
OK, well, since that's 50-50.Anyway, I'm sorry.I've got to put my hair to the side.
Well, we're talking about right before that because you went from Batman is bisexual actually Who that earned Robin?Oh, he's bisexual.
Yeah, I figured that I could feel that yeah, I figured that yeah It's an interesting um why another bird when the writers were creating Batman you mean?Why does it have to be a bird right?Yeah?
I mean yeah, cuz Batman's a bird it's a bad a bird a bit is It's a marsupial.
Oh, it's right.Is it am I right wrong about that?You're right
Oh, it's not a bat or a bird, it's a mammal.Yeah.Oh, that's interesting.Yeah.I did not know that.Bats are mammals.They have pussies.Yeah, yeah.And they give birth to the pussy.Yes.Yeah.Isn't that a trait of a mammal?Yeah.Right?I think so.
Do you know for sure?No, but it sounds right.All right.
Jamon.We gotta go back to Jamon.
It's not a food then.Yeah, that's not a Jamon, that's a bat.That's disgusting.Yeah, yeah.So all mammals Give birth through the vag.Yes.Right.So the reptiles lay eggs.
This fucking guy there's always one yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, there's always a Caitlyn Jenner in the fuck He does kind of look like a woman from the future yeah, right yeah, like what a woman's gonna be in like 2075 yeah, I look like so anyway um That's interesting so aside from the platypus.
What are these mammals that don't la eggs, or they do legs?So give me a mammal that leaves eggs Okay, wow.What is that?Do you want to put that in a soup?
Me?Yeah.Oh, because I'm Asian?Yeah, yeah, yeah.You know, when white people say stuff like that, it really makes me mad, because I'll tell you why.It's funny though.I know, but the thing is that, I mean, Poor white people eat squirrels.Yeah.Right.
It's like you're eating the things that are around you.Right.In your environment.It's not the Chinese are going, oh, I heard in Austria there's a wombat.You know, we're going to go there.We're going to eat that.
You know, if a wombat was in their backyard, they would eat it.Right.Right.But they're not they're not like going out to like eat weird thing.They're just, you know, surviving based on the land.But we've evolved to like Burger King. Right.Right.
And what I want to say is that, what is that thing called?The Acadena?Yeah.I bet you that meat is better than a burger, like a Big Mac.
Oh, yeah.Like if you ate, what they were saying in Wuhan, they were eating, what is it?Pandalins or something like that?
What does Wuhan have anything to do with it?And why are you doing this, dude?I don't like this.You know, on TikTok, You know the hand gestures?To have power over the room?Yeah.
I know when you guys do that, so stop doing that, because that doesn't work with me.Yeah, all this stuff that you're trying to do with your hands to grab, like, dominance.Like this?Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know what that means, dude.
No, they eat this, these types of things.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.Because that thing, whatever that thing is, is just all up in their trees and shit.
I thought that was Jeremiah Watkins. I know what you're saying.Yeah.Yeah, he has one.He's got that nose that look I saw him yesterday He's great.He's an underdeveloped white.
He is an underdeveloped Yeah, like there's a couple of he should have been been the oven for a couple more Yeah, when I said when I look when I see him every time I see him I go seven months Yeah, yeah, he went out seven months.
Yeah, he goes, why you mean?He tapped out.
Yeah, he's tapped out.But he's funny.
Yeah.Well, that's interesting.Yeah.Yeah, he is underdeveloped.But you know, you have whites in New York that are undeveloped as well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.But I do think if you're going to take an American white.Shane Gillis.
Shane Gillis.His face is underdeveloped.
Underdeveloped.But his brain is developed well.But his face is underdeveloped.
It's almost as if his face was in the womb for too long.Yes.Yeah, he was baked for too long.
It looks like, it looks like, you know, where his eyes, you know, it started bubbling.Yeah.It's like, it's like God was making him and, you know, he had like that soft dough, beautiful thing.
Just at the last minute, he just went like that, right on his face.He just smushed it.
Yeah, he dropped it out of the oven.
He just smushed it a little bit like that.But he said, but as he was going, I said, I feel bad.He goes, let me give, let me make him a comic genius.And he went like that. His face is I fucked up.Yeah.Yeah.Yeah.What about me?
He forgot that I don't think that he forgot what?
The sprinkle the sprinkle.
Yeah on me.Yeah.Yeah.I'm sorry Andres.You're saying I'm sprinklers.
Yeah, you think they forgot the sprinkles on me.
I think yeah, yeah, I think I think he put you in a walk and he just yeah Yeah, I think I think with you I think with you dude Yeah, is that he goes I want to make a good-looking white right because sometimes he's in that mood God, right?
So watch I'm gonna spend five hours, right?Yeah, but then he's like couldn't finish it then he had to do something else, right?Maybe there was a hurricane.He had a fight deal with right?
Yeah, so he goes hey mom Joe right some guy that works there He goes put in the brain And Mom Joe, Mom Joe went to the wrong department.He went to the fat, incel-y, you know what I mean?The weird guy department.He went, maybe this one, right?
And he put it in the brain, sent you down, and then God was mad, like, what the fuck?
Mom Joe!You know?Because once he puts you down in the chute, he can't take you back.He can't take you back.That's it.Yeah, yeah, yeah.So now I'm stuck, you're saying, with kind of a dumb incel brain, but... Yeah, but still bright.
It's crazy.It's crazy.Well, because people that don't have the good look, you know a lot of comics that don't have the look.Yeah.Right?A lot of them don't make it.Right?But they still have the brain.Right.But then they, you know.Right.What?
Why are you saying right?I'm just listening.Yeah, but I don't even know what I'm saying.Why would you say right?Because I'm connected to you.Dude, we're so connected.We are, dude.Jomon.Jomon.Go back to Jomon.
Okay, let me take another guess at what it is.You're saying it's not a food.
Yeah, I already yeah, Joe.Did you tell me what it was already?I think I did but what did you say?
Okay, so guys saying already.
Oh, I did it.Okay.It's not cabbage.What was it? Thank you so much.Yeah, I did say it.Oh, yeah.Yeah.Yeah.Yeah.
So they were the original people but they didn't look Asian.Well, there's also a group of people Yayoi which was no really Yayoi's right that I think they mixed together and they came out with I don't know.Yayoi's.There we go.There we go.
So the Jomon's are to the left.Does that look Asian?Yes, of course.To the left.Yeah, that looks more like I don't know, like Kazakhstan.Really?Oh, to the left.Yeah, that guy.
Okay, the guy closest to Carlos is Jomon.No, the one closest... Right.Yeah, Carlos is... That's Yayoi.Yayoi is Gookie.Yayoi, okay.Yayoi.So Yayoi... So they're saying that the Koreans actually came from the first one to the left.
A combination of the two.That's crazy.Yeah, that I don't see how that one works.Because the one on the left just looks like Hasan Minhaj. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Yeah, I thought yeah, I thought that he had a Netflix one-man show that guy But then the Asian one the Asian one I could tell that that looks like a very handsome young Korean boy Yeah, yeah, he looks he looks good, but I'm just wondering you know that's probably over years of crossbreeding to probably
Yeah, of course.I mean we all have we all have a little bit of everyone in us That's why culture to me is so silly when people try to defend their culture.
It's like whatever your culture is today It's because it was into your ancestors hundreds and hundreds of years ago by the enemy So stop saying we're all just one culture.You and I are are more we are more Joel.
We're Joma Yeah, I'm getting kind of into history myself and I realized that um, you know civilizations the only way they can evolve is through war and That's it.You know what I mean?And conquer.
Because then you absorb other cultures into your... And it actually improves, you know what I mean, a civilization.That's a Jomon.
That's a Jomon.Okay, that right there.
Yeah, that kind of looks... That does.
That actually, to be honest with you... Like Steve Bernadine.I was just gonna say that.Yeah. That's like kinda, that's a semi-Asian.Yeah, yeah.You can see him wear a suit and do political jokes.
Yeah, yeah, like that, that guy, I could see that.Whatever he's doing.That guy, I could see, I could see him.I don't know what the fuck Steve is doing lately, but that's what he's doing lately.That's what he's, yeah, I could see.
Wearing a suit, wearing, doing fucking politics.Politics stuff, yeah, yeah.
I could see him on TBS.That guy looks like he's.
with this guy right here yeah that's a tbs yeah yeah yeah he looks um but that's joe mon he looks little too he looks like a tiny little asian he looks like um you know like uh the russian dolls like how they have they getting smaller like you look like you'd be the top oh yeah oh yeah let me see i have some at home
Yeah, it's a bigger one and you open it up and it's a more how many how many openings am I?No, no, I'm saying we're start with you and then that little guy.Oh, I'm the big one.
That's the yeah.All right.
Oh, so you open open somebody before openings.Exactly.Exactly.
Yes, that's what I think.Yeah, he's he's the little one.He's the one you get to write and the deepest layer.That's really what that's who you look like on the inside.That's who's always mad.
But also notice that's who makes the mistakes. But notice there is a based on that photo.
What have we taken from that Koreans?They're still like that That's basic Yeah, that Koreans right still have still have based on that photo the the same exact facial hair as you know big head We were big headed people big head little body.Oh Yes.
Yes.I find that to be very interesting.And you know what?There's no shame in that because Tom Cruise has a big head.He does.A lot of the male, like Steve McQueen, all of the male leading movie stars had big heads and little bodies.
And what's great about Koreans is they're a stinkless agent.Stinkless agent.
We've talked about it many times on this program.
You don't have a gene that could even make you smell.
And yet I still wear the cologne.But why? Because I like mysterious smells.And I like when people walk by me and go, ooh, where were you?And that's not even like cologne, they say.Were you in a war?Were you mining?Or something like that.
What about cigarettes?When you smoke cigarettes, do you squat down as low as you can?Or do you smoke standing up?
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Just give me a second.Yeah, yeah, I'm just gonna, you know, I'm gonna go past that.You know, I'm gonna pretend that never happened. I'm gonna go past it.Like a detour.Yeah, Jumon.
Yeah, Jumon to you.What do you mean?Because a lot of Asian people, what they like to do is they like to squat down as much as they can with their asshole as close to the floor as possible.
Can I ask a question then?Guy, right?Could it be that there's no chairs around?
Whatever the reason is, it's just something that they do.
If there's no chairs around your place, would you squat down? No, what would you do just stand?
Yeah, I would do I would do calf raises.
I have Viking blood So you would stand how about what to eat still stand?
I always I always stand and eat.Oh, okay Yeah, I like to stand up any okay.Yeah, I like it and then we do that.
That's what it is Yeah, so that yeah that to me if I was if somebody if somebody said Chris, I want you to draw an Asian person That's what I exactly what I draw, right?
I wonder why that is.I've never really thought about it.
It's only the Asian culture because a lot of cultures smoke cigarettes, but not only the Asians will squat down with their asshole hovering no more than an inch off the floor.
As you can tell, we read that way too.
But it's a beautiful thing.You have hip flexibility, Bobby, is directly related to longevity of life.So the more flexible your hips are, which this man has got very flexible hips, the longer he'll live.
So you do have good hip flexibility.
Is that a true thing? Flip, wait, sorry.Hip flexibility.I mixed up the two.Hip flexibility.Yes.Equates to longevity.
Longevity of life because flexibility overall, they think that the actual like key to longevity now is flexibility is the biggest thing.That actually is one of the root causes of health problems is how stiff you are.Are you flexible?
No, not as flexible as I can be but I've been trying to do hot yoga.I've been trying to Stretch every day.I've been trying to do core work.Yeah, I've been listening to Andrew Huberman hmm.I've been listening to a good guy No, oh, I don't know.
Oh, you know, I just listened to his stuff, but you know a lot of people I
Not as much as I... Let me ask you something, pal.I'm a little bit disconnected.I'm not as plugged in as you.
That's not true.No, it's true.If you're doing a gig, have there been famous people that came to your gig?
I don't get that.Not one time?
Unfortunately, no.Not one time a famous person?
Not very.I mean, unless I knew them before.
Of course that, I mean no one, I'm not gonna be on the road and all of a sudden John Cougar Melon Cap is gonna go, hey, are you in Indiana?I know I don't know you, but come eat a pork sandwich.No, unfortunately, I don't have any.
Yeah, because in Indiana, right, pork sandwiches are huge, right?What do they call them, the tenderloin, pork tenderloin sandwiches.So that when you laugh like that, dude, that's a mockery of my own thoughts. And I want you to stop that.Yeah.
Immediately.Yeah.Okay.You almost killed us four years ago. All right, and I have not forgotten about that.Yeah, all right murder did Attempted murder legit legit.
Yeah, so um interesting to me, but I never get no I never get any famous people that come unfortunately you there's gotta be one time we're like someone that anybody Famous comics.
No, not really I never get like the people who always just so-and-so wants to come back to the green room and say hello It's never happened to me once really no unfortunately something's not connecting with my comedy and I
I don't think that's what it is.
You're so aloof, you have no idea what the fuck is going on.
No, Bobby, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, something's not connecting.I don't know what it is.I don't think I'm not funny, but something, the general public is looking at me and just saying no, overall.No, that's, oh my God.
I'm telling you it's true.No, look at the numbers.When we were in Vegas.Look at my YouTube numbers.When we were in Vegas.
Look at the numbers. That's not the numbers.We were in Vegas, right?You're the one that goes, Hey, let's go sit next to Jimmy Kimmel.Okay.I don't know Jimmy Kimmel, but he didn't, he doesn't come to my show.I know, but you know him.Yeah.All right.
What are the celebrities, you know, then Jimmy Kimmel, Chaz Palminteri.Oh, you see, I don't know Chaz Palminteri.
Yeah.You've hung out with him.Yes.Chaz Palminteri I know.He's a huge star. Yeah, big time star.Legend.Yeah, yeah, yeah.Yeah, this is when I was going through my glasses phase.I hate that guy.Really good.Myself, I'm talking about.
I hate that guy with the glasses.Who else do you know?He's bad.
I know uh um uh now what's when I ask not really anybody okay when I ask no what is no like for instance um someone that you've met before or is it somebody that's in your life that's the confusing part because I've met a lot of people but for me to say that I know them
Is a different thing, right?
Yeah, like only people that I know Chaz Pometary.I know you've you've talked we go to each other's houses like Chaz Pometary was almost my little daughter's godfather.Oh, what happened?You got beat out?
We had to um, uh, uh, well who beat him out initially was um, Jasmine's uncle, uh, Jerry, T.T.Jerry. Okay, that's that's who beat him.It was Chaz, but and it was good about it Well, no because what we decided was cuz he's trans.
So TG Jerry's actually the godfather.I love godmother at the same We just did it once.
Yeah.Yeah.Yeah.Yeah, you can get a double combo.That's good.
That's it Yeah, so he's the godfather and the godmother Wow, but Chaz so so um, but Chaz is the only guy that he's I know he's old school He's old school, but he lives in your area No, he lives about an hour away.Okay, we see him on the weekends.
We go pumpkin picking with his family Oh, oh, it's a close.Oh, yeah, my girl and his wife are like very close.They talk all the time.Whoa Yeah, um is Chaz he's working a lot still right?Sure.Yeah.Yeah old school work.
Yeah, he's old school Hollywood Yeah, he's one of the best They just, he doesn't have to like call, he doesn't have a PR person, he just walks up to like a nightclub.Unusual Suspects, one of my favorite movies.The bouncers.
Chaz Pometary is known by, almost every black person knows Chaz Pometary and they love him.He's their fav- Amongst black people, Chaz Pometary's up there with their favorite white.He might be their favorite white person as Chaz.
Or with the blacks.Because Bronx Tale.Yeah, he's like 20th on Asians. Yeah, they don't yeah, he's a little really yeah, and he would be even lower if you if we dad, you know Charles Palamentary They're not even close.Yeah, Chaz Palamentary choice.
Oh come on.Come on.Come on.Yeah, right He wouldn't know and you're like, what are you even listening?I'm listening to you.Yeah, right.She doesn't know he doesn't know Yeah, and you would say my dad couldn't say a lot of things.
No, you know, Samuel Jackson.
My people, you know, but he doesn't know much yeah.Yeah.Yeah.Give me another what's a harder one?Uh, uh, uh, Benicio del Toro.Oh, forget about it.Yeah.Yeah.Dad, you know, Benicio del Toro. Right, no, not even close.
My dad wouldn't even know, like, you know, I go, name me one Beatles song, he doesn't even know what the fuck you're talking about.He's out.He's out of culture.Like, there's nothing.Have you seen a movie?I've never seen a movie.
He doesn't know what any- Wizard of Oz!He doesn't know what it is.If I explain it to him, oh, I don't like.
I don't like a tin tin.Tin man, I don't care.You know what I mean?He doesn't know.So what would he watch then?
Nothing.That's the thing.Fucking nothing.In fact, two weeks before he died, All right, this is a sad story.I've said this story before, but.
But I never, but it's a different experience with me.You never go down the same river twice.What?
So I'm saying, even if you say the story again, it's a different day, different audience, different, you never go, you never step in the same river twice.
No, but then, but it's flowing water.So you never, so it's technically a different.If there's a river by your house, you've probably been in there more than twice.No, no, you step in.You know where I learned that from?Ancient Joma and Parambra.
Oh yeah.Well then they were dumb.Yeah.Because it makes no sense.But anyway, um, Maybe not to I want to make I'll see sometimes I exaggerate so I want to be be honest I want to be completely honest be honest be accurate a Year before my dad died okay.
I would have to say my brother, and I were in his house in Phoenix Chandler, Arizona and he was Resorted he's in a wheelchair now can't walk because he got hit by a truck right or something I
Didn't, isn't that, didn't something happen?No, no, no, no, no, no.Stroke?Or didn't your grandmother get run over by a tank?Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, my aunt did.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.That's what you remember?Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sometimes I think about it, like in the shower.Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
My aunt got run over by a tank.
It's what a weird thing to memorize.Wow.
That's what I'll tell people fun facts about.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.I mean, the most traumatic in my family's history, you know.Yeah. But a year before my dad died, my brother and I were at home, and we were talking about music, and he goes, I don't like music, right?
I go, we're asking him questions about music, he doesn't know anything about it.I go, have you ever heard a song?
And he goes, sometimes I go out, you know, I see, I hear, I hear, you know, in the, you know, outside.
You know what I mean?The mall, when I'm in the mall, you know what I mean?Because one of his stores was in a mall, but he doesn't know what it is, like he doesn't listen to it.To him, it's just like birds chirping, you know what I mean?
Or like planes crashing, you know what I mean?There's no difference.So what would he do for entertainment?So my brother-in-law goes, we want you to listen to this.I put my little, you know what I mean, AirPods in his ear.
We played him, it's the most like universally, you know, and it was Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton. Right?And he's listening to it and then tears starts coming down his face.And he goes, that's beautiful.It was unbelievable.80 years.
Never heard a song before.Right.It's like running into a primal, a tribe in some island.Right?Yeah.He has access to everything, but he doesn't, you know what I mean?He's that's basically who he is.
Did you tell him what it was about?
I said, yeah, Eric clapped him to get cocaine and killed his kid. That's not what happened.No.Do you know actually what happened?I know what happened.Tell them what happened.So there was some sort of party or something at his house.
Yeah.There were people there, though.This is wrong.Go ahead.I literally googled it the other day.OK.All right.OK, go on.And then he fell off a window, out of a window.
OK.So the window parts right there.So no, what happened was.Wait, first of all.No, but let me tell you the story first so you can fact check it.
So what happened was is he
He had left his baby, you know the with their nanny and they let the kid like used to run up up and down the hallway Like in his apartment building in new york and they lived on whatever the 14th or 15th floor And the maintenance worker had left the window at the end of the hallway open Which was like a floor-to-ceiling window because they were like cleaning it and the kid thought he was running He had always ran to that window and touch it and ran back and he just ran through the window
Wow, that's insane.That's what it says online.I was wrong.I don't think I'd ever come back from that.
Would you?No, but I think he did come back.No, yeah, he wrote Tears of Heaven.
I'm just saying me.Yeah, yeah, yeah.He did proactive things.I'm just saying if it happened to me, I think that it would.What?Best special. You would win best special.I would come with a great special.I don't know man.I think you would.
It would take me years to even get back to any form of normalcy.
But what what would it take like if I killed one of your cats like right like how would what would be similar that to you like who would I have to kill for you to feel that to kind of motivate you to write the special of your life who would have to die right in front of you.
Wow what a question. Thank you.It would have to be a four-man death.A four-man?Yeah, yeah.Okay.For me, to motivate me to make the best special in the world.
Like what, the producers in here and Andrew?Everybody would have the whole band?
No, no, no, no.It would have to be my brother.Okay.My mother.Okay.Andrew.Okay. and Kalilah.All four of them.Had died simultaneously at the same time for me to go, to feel completely lost.Right.
Of like, oh, I'm gonna kill myself or I would definitely not stay sober.No.It'd be too traumatic for me.Right.And I would probably disappear for a very long time.I had to go through a bender.So I already thought about it.
So I would liquify, I would liquify, I would sell my house
Because he secretly hopes it happens.
No, I don't secretly hope that happens!
I do the same thing.I hope- I don't secretly hope it happens!I hope everyone- I just have a- I just have like an out.I know, but you- Right?It's a fantasy.
So I would sell my mom's house, right?Maybe not sell mine.I would like try to like- I have some other real estate I would probably sell.Okay.I would get as much cash as I can, right?And I would probably get- I've never tried fentanyl.
Okay, so just get like high-grade fentanyl right?Um, I would get all the liquor in the world.Mm-hmm We it's the whole thing shrooms acid everything right?
And I would probably go into like a place like Butte, Montana because I was just there and so when I was walking around Butte, Montana I was going oh, that's where I die
Right in my mind, you know, I mean like I found spots like there's a my like abandoned mines Yeah, so I'll just be in an abandoned mine.Yeah, I mean with my overalls, you know shirt underneath it now, right?
And I know already that your nipples you have strands of hair that come out of your nipple exactly.
Yes And I would not shave them.No, they would be like out right just swirling around.Yes in the wind Yeah, right.I would have a bandana.Yeah my head right I'd put one of those football kind of black, you know, I mean
Yeah, well, you know how Batman did like yeah, yeah Dark Knight cuz he has to put the mask on so he wants this area to be right He wants to swear to be dark, right?So I had no mask.I just have that with the bandana.
Yes, right I would look really wicked awesome, right and I was just party till I gave out I think so you wouldn't so you saying you wouldn't write a special but then if I survived I
No, but then but no, I'm just telling what I would go through right, okay And then it would be like I think I wonder who would try to find me a raccoon.
Yeah, I think Wait, wait, what I'm saying is when I I just said who in my life would try to find me and you're fucking saying a raccoon would
Yeah, I think Andres would- I think Andres would be the one who would try to find you because he would see if you were still alive so you could do the ad reads.Oh, right, right.
Yeah, he would say that they need- Well, this would be over if Andrew died, right?This would be over, Tiger Village would be over.No, I don't know if it'd necessarily be over.I could slide in for half the price.
Yeah, I could kind of I don't think I don't think I would be I'd relocate no issue I don't think I would be able to do it.
I think we you'd pick up the pieces But anyway, um, so if you're three children your wife all died.Mm-hmm, right?Is that too much?Whatever.We're in it
And you're like, you know, I mean they them uncle yes, yeah, yeah came in which is all this is all he's out He's dead too.Okay.Yeah, but he dies from other things, right?I'll tell you that right now Yeah, you know what?
I'm talking about percent Philadelphia style.But anyway, um, yep.Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah lesions, you know, yeah, yeah, absolutely.And so, um, what would you do I So I'm the cop.You're on the road.OK.Hello, Mr. DeStefano.Hi.Hi.
How are you, officer?Excuse me?Am I talking to Christopher DeStefano?
Are you a cop?You're an officer.
How are you?Ozark County.
Oh, I like it here.Yeah, yeah.Yes.Look, I didn't realize that you were a sheriff in Ozark.I didn't think they did that here.
Oh, OK. This is not a FaceTime.Oh, I thought that you were physically.No, no, no.Oh, if I physically saw you?Yeah, yeah.Oh, you want me to physically see you?
Well, I just thought because, like, I was like, it would be weird if you're the sheriff of Ozark County and you're a small Korean man.Yeah, yeah, yeah.But you would say that even if that was the case?
Yeah, I think I would because I have a nice rapport with the police.Yeah, but I mean, like, why are you being racist?Well, I would just I think it would just be my attempt because I'd be very nervous to be my attempt.
Well, then my explanation would be during the Civil War, you know, some Chinese moved here. to the Ozarks, right?99.9% of the people moved out, but my family was the ones that stayed.We owned a Chinese restaurant over hundreds of years.
And my family and I decided to break away from the Chinese food industry and become a sheriff.
Yeah.What's the problem?I decided to break away from the Chinese and become Korean.There I am, dude.Actually, yeah.See, that looks like... That's not full Asian, though.That's half white.No, that's full Asian.That's Joe Man.
No, that's not Joe Man, dude.
That's Joe Man.No, the reason why... He has to look like that.Right.Because if he doesn't look like that and he looks like me, he's dead. Right.He has to like assimilate as much as he can.A little bit.Yeah.He had to push his eyes up.
At night he's just like with his fingers like this trying to stretch them out.You know what I mean?Yeah.You know what I mean?You remember that movie?
Clockwork Orange.The little mechanism.Yes.The metal, you know, little mechanism.That's what he does.That's what he does.Anyway.So anyway.Hi.Hi.So like I said, I'm Sergeant Sheriff.Sheriff Wilson.Wilson.That's right.
I'm sorry to inform you that your wife and your children died in a fire.
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Where?Your house, sir.Oh, I would say.And you're and you're they them.All died.No, he died outside of the house from something else. Right.Yes.OK.He was but there was bubbling.
So what I would do above a bubbling bubbles on the skin, you know, it looked sexual.Yeah.Yeah.It was it's a sexual virus.We've never seen before.But he was just like, help me.Right.And we just shot him between the forehead.Yeah.
I mean, because there's nothing that's well, because the CDC had to get involved.Right.Yes.Right.You know me.And it's we don't know, you know, but it looked like some.And we're not sure.Yeah.And we actually a sexual disease, a.k.a.like Ebola.
Right, right and his dick was missing.
It was right and we have we have to be careful We have to be careful because he did die within he did die in the property of a Korean person's backyard and they could eat him They would eat him Interesting how you switch that that is true if it's in your backyard they eat it Well, it is true.
Your neighbors are Korean and half his body was on the Koreans lawn.Yeah Luckily the Korean family did not eat him, right?
Oh But the rule is in Korean law, if you die on my property, you are- You know what, sir?
It's very unusual to tell somebody that their three kids and their wife died, and is more obsessed with the uncle of where his position of his body is.
Yes, because my thought- Because what I would immediately think about is like, you're a cannibal, but are you using chopsticks to eat the- I know, but I'm telling you that your wife and your three children, that would not even be in there.
Okay, so honestly, what I would do, I would take a minute.What I would probably do, honestly, is I would probably do is, because I wouldn't be able to live more than an hour without them, so I would be like, I'm not going to live anymore.
But what I would honestly do, if I'm being completely honest with you, I would take it in, obviously be horrified, upset.I would say, I'm killing myself tonight.But before I do that, I do want to at least have sex one more time.
And I would get a prostitute in Ozark.Honestly, I would get a prostitute, and then I'd get a gun. Yeah, or any me and then I take my own life, but I would have sex with a random prostitute one time.No condom Okay, okay.
Yeah, that's what you would do.Yeah, and I pay her, you know, whatever Most people would would have just called other family members and express Their grief.
Yeah.Yeah.Well, there's nothing really my family's gonna help me.Well, you know my Nothing's gonna help me.
Do you know that your friends could help you through that?
Yeah, you don't know No, no, how could they what what is what could they possibly tell me that would make me better?
Well, I mean, can we just take it one day at a time first, I would say.I know, Chris, this is how you feel right now, and I can't imagine what you're going through.Right.But can you do it tomorrow? Have sex with the prostitutes?
Yeah, and you know what I mean?No, I would say this is also my last night on earth, but I'm gonna go out and have sex with multiple prostitutes.
Okay, okay.Well, now there's two.
Well, honestly, if you want to just be honest with you, just because I know that I'm dying that day, I would maybe get one male, one female, and just to feel it.Because even though I make a lot of gay jokes, I've never done anything gay like that.
Well, that's interesting that would you have sex with me then?Yes.I would.But you know what?Through the love that you and I make, it might want to make you live.That's true.Because you know what it is?I'll make you giggle.
Yeah.Because you know what it is?You look like you have, even though I know, you know, you have a clean body.Like I bet you having sex with you, it's like the inside of your body looks like a doll.
That's, oh my God.Yeah, you have clean.You have a clean ass.And that's the truth.Yeah it is.Amen.
And no hair on your body.Very little pubes.
No ass hair.Yeah, yeah. That's a morbid thing to even think about.I'm so sorry that we, I don't even know how, why we went down that path.
Well, the thing is with you, when I'm with you, I'm just gonna kind of go where you lead me.
Yeah, but I'm trying, but I felt like you loved me there.I felt like you loved me there.No.Did I lead him there or did he?Yeah.Eric Clapton.What?Eric Clapton.Oh, we went from music.That's the thing with you.Yeah.
You know, we talk about one thing, right?And it goes into that.I don't know why.I guess I did lead you down there.
What I like to do.Can we go back to Eric Clapton?I like to do the reverse, right?Yeah.You lead the trail of tears and I follow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.Whoa.Yeah. Is that a Vietnam reference?No, Native America.Native America, that's right.Yeah, yeah, yeah.Which is I am not.No, but I mean, you know.Yeah, yeah.It's whatever.No, no, it's not.It's just whatever.It's not just whatever.
It was a tragic time.It was.Can you explain to me what happened at the Crusades?Because I don't know anything.Whenever, like, I talk to... No, honestly, whenever I talk to people... about religion, and they go, why don't you believe in God?
I go, well, I always say, oh, the Crusades, just as a blanket statement.And then they go, oh, yeah, that's right.You know what I mean?And I just kind of move on.But I don't even really know what I'm talking about.
It's the religious war, the Christians versus the Muslims.Oh, so is that what happened?
That was it, big time.They fought a lot over ancient Turkey.Christianity thought that their religion was the best.Muslims thought theirs was.You know what the interesting thing is about- Who won the Crusades? Uh, nobody really knows.
I mean, I would say really kind of the Christians, but that's because, but I have Christian tattoos all over my body.I'm actually fighting in the modern day crusade.
Okay.Yeah.Yeah.And yeah, we're good.We're, we're going up against the church of Latter-day Saints tomorrow.That's our match.
But you know what's interesting is I read a book about it, and they said that you would think that the Muslims, right, because you hear like these things like, oh, it's a very racist thing right now.
You'd be like, oh, you'll hear like, oh, Muslims, dirty, whatever.That's all such a bullshit.Bullshit.It's a racist thing.All the Muslims I know are clean.
No, because it's reverse racism, because what would happen is actually the Muslims were so educated, so hygienic, they had science hundreds of years before the Christians were the Christians.Christians came in kind of gangly, disgusting.
The Muslim people said that they could smell the Christian army coming from miles away.So they were dirty, filthy heathens, where Muslims were high science, education.Astronomy.Astronomy, all that, dancing with the stars.
Yeah, yeah, they did it everything Wow.Yeah, they had it all.
Yeah podcasts.Yeah, what did the Muslims invent back then that we still use today?Without the Muslims, what would we not have?
Algebra, that's huge the Arabic the big one numeral the numeral our numbers Arabic.
Oh Okay, let's go.Let's just zoom in.Yeah, the Muslims invented coffee.Oh, bro.Look at this
Every time I take a sip, I say praise be to Allah.
Yeah, there's another one.Algebra is huge.Hospitals, bro.Toothbrush.
Dude, really?Disgusting teeth.Yeah, because look at the English.Deodorant.
Smelling spices. You know what most of the wars crusades were over salt whoa one of their everybody would a clock bro.They invented clocks Legit optics University.
I've even heard of windmills.Yeah.Yeah beheading Well, the headings are on there.Yeah, that's good That's interesting crank.What's oh, yeah the crank Wow.What is crank?I know a little statistic I read the other day.
Tell me a black kid invented the doorknob Yeah.Did you just know that?Google it.That guy.That guy invented the door fucking knob, dude.What the hell were they doing before?They were difficult to open.You know what I mean?
But he made it, you know, and he made no money off of it.He just, wow.People just stole it from him.Like, oh, wow.I could have thought of that.And just took it from him.That's very interesting.But that guy invented it.What's his name?
Osborne Dorsey, fucking... Invented the doorknob.The Dorsey knob, they should call it.Yeah, the Dorsey knob.Thank you, because I use doorknobs still to this day.Yeah.Because every door was like a saloon door then, back then.
You just have to push it open.All right.I guess.
And he was able to find the little mechanics and little intricacies of that.That's incredible.Yes. Yes, Osborne Dorsey, African-American man who invented the doorknob and the doorstop in December of 1878.
The doorstop seems like somebody would figure that out.Right.And he was born a slave.I mean, right.He became freed.He became a freed person.Wait, wait.He invented it while he was enslaved?He was born into slavery.
And then he says he became a freed slave.So I don't know what that means.
Oh, and then after he was able to.Yes.Imagine all the things they could have invented if they weren't slaves.I know.Think about that.Right. Like, you know, creams or whatever.Exactly.No, I agree.I think about that racist.
Sure.Yeah.You can say it, though.You're Asian.Yeah.Really?
Doesn't matter.I don't know that Asians, even though Asians are the most racist pound for pound people, we whites get the worst.But Asians are.I mean, it's horrifying how I don't know.
I mean, I've heard that been said.And that's really there's no evidence to back that up.
I mean, the Chinese, you know, they came in and the Japanese came in and they were bayonetting Chinese babies and killing them.They all hate each other.They think the Koreans are, you know, well, Koreans are the top.China's the top one.
Then Japan, then Korea, then Vietnam, then Laos.Right?
I mean, I don't know why there's a ranking, but if I were, if I were to rank it, I have my own ranking.
If you want to hear the recent, come to our meetings.
Oh, your white weightings.Okay, well then explain to me why based on the rankings.China's the number one.Why?Biggest, most populous.But you're just basing it on geography, right?The size of mass.No, and people and how much real estate they own.
Okay, but it's still based on the land, right?I want to get into like... You know what I mean?What they've invented and, you know.Well, China invented everything.What?China was the one.
That's true.Gunpowder.Yes.Gunpowder.Spaghetti.Spaghetti.Yeah.Really?Spaghetti?Yeah.Chinese.Yeah.The finger trap.
Yeah.Yeah.Finger trap's a good one.Yes.That's a really good one.Yeah.
What else did they invent?You said.What?
Warfare on horses.Right.Chinese.Yeah.They also invented. What's the thing?Chariot?No.Plow?No.I forgot what was going on.I'll act it out.How many people?Yeah, rickshaw.Rickshaw, that's what it is.Thank you so much.Oh, they invented alcohol.
That's a huge one.That's a big one.Dude, that's like one of the number one things.
That's incredible.They said, ah, wait a second, Chinese invented toothbrushes too?Yeah, yeah, yeah.Let's get down to that.
What is going on?What's going on there?Come on.It's them claiming it though.That's what it is.
Oh, we are made up of what? How do you know look at my feet?
I don't know.Why would they do so clean?Yeah?Oh, it's so cool.Let's go to Koreans.What a Koreans invent.Okay, not much.
Let's do Koreans.Um, let's see whether they invent Let's see, what are Koreans possibly invent?Okay, pop.All right infection control robot What now we're gonna get we're getting in the future
They're like, oh, well, fuck the past.You know what I mean?We need it.
You know how everybody have infection?You know what I mean?We need a robot to do that.
Braille translation.That's nice.That's helpful.That's huge.Yeah.Software that predicts cardiac arrest.
Dude, you know how sometimes you're watching a movie and you go, God, I wish this wrapped around.I wish it wrapped around my whole body.They invented the wraparound movie, dude.Smart glasses reimagined.
We'll reimagine it Yeah, yeah, this is software that predicts cardiac arrest.Oh, that's a look at this one inflatable isolation wards You know how isolation wards are so on the ground?It's so stern, you know what I mean?
They put you in an isolation ward and they push you down the river.
Wow, that's incredible.So we didn't really invent anything.A flexible screen TV.Yeah, it's one of those things where we took other inventions and made it better.
But that's okay, that's what you're good at.Right, that's what we were good at.Look, 5G smartphone, 3D hologram, recharging roads for electric vehicles.That's pretty big. Because I think that we only got into the game of that.
Jaegon Goo, an automated self-striking water clock.
Yeah.I have four Jaegon Goos, dude.I have four of them at home.Yeah, yeah.Wow.That's good, though.That's incredible.Let's go to now.Let's go.This is great.Let's go to Vietnamese.Because we're ranking the Asians, right?Yeah.
What did the Vietnamese invent? Let me let's guess before trail and by the way, okay, so what's gonna happen?
you know what's gonna happen by the way to is people are gonna say that you're allowing me a white person to make fun of Asian culture and Let's talk about that real quick.
Okay, I Want to talk about that right now, okay I make fun of whites so much and their culture, I really do.And a lot of my friends make fun of my culture, right?But Korean isn't my culture, I'm an American.
I was born here, I have the same sensibilities as everyone else.I don't know, I mean, I like the food.I do feel like when I'm around my Korean friends, it does feel a little different in terms of like shared American experiences that we bond into.
But I love you so much.I know there isn't a racist bone in your body.And what we do is, it's healing for us.It's a pleasure to do what we do.I think it's healthy, you know what I mean, to, out of love, make fun of each other.And this is, to me,
not a bad thing.I think it's a positive thing.I think this is what dock workers did back in the day when you had different cultures at a dock, right?
And they didn't know each other's languages, and they made fun of each other's mustaches or the way someone talked, and they would all laugh, drink a beer at the pub or whatever.And it was their way of bonding.So I don't think it's a bad thing.
I don't think you've ever said anything racist and you never said anything that's offended me.And there are a lot of Asians that don't like what I do, a lot of them, right?And they've told me to my face, you know what I mean?
Like you're a disgrace or you know what I mean?You know what I mean?And it's like, I don't feel that way.I do what feels right.I think that I think I'm very funny and I think you're very funny.And so can we get past that?
Let's make fun of the Vietnamese, let's go. Anyway Okay, so what did they do hand embroidery?Oh, let's go.Let's go the first one.
Okay, the ATM dude.Are you sure?They said they said do duck quang a Vietnamese inventor co-invented the a co-invented co-invented.
Who's the other guy?Why guy Jew Jew?Yeah Some guy looks like Carlos.Yeah.Yeah.Yeah, the second is the conical hat.Oh Also known as the non-la, this hat is believed to have originated in Vietnam over 3,000 years ago.What is that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.Like a conehead hat.No, it's one of those flat hats with the little... Oh, that's... Okay. Oh, that hat?
Yeah.They invented that hat.Yeah, yeah.Wow.Like Raiden from Street... Oh, there it is.That's incredible.That's a pretty cool hat.Yeah, it is pretty awesome.Yeah, yeah, yeah.And it's a good idea.It keeps you, you know... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The sun out of your face.It just looks weird.It does look kind of crazy.Yeah, yeah, yeah.But you could make it cool.
Yes. Natural a natural product that has been made in Vietnam for centuries with pieces dating back to the 4th and 5th century, okay?Okay, hand embroidery.I mean yeah, yeah, yeah, what yeah?
I know they never really done.This is why they're kind of not at the top of the list They don't have anything that reimagined the buck off antivirus is pretty good.
That's pretty big how many times have you had back fog?Oh? I have a right and you're like goddamn.I'm gonna die and then they had the antivirus.
Yeah, that's pretty good.
That's good Yeah, well the thing what's the other things I meant about you people include Vietnamese calligraphy Yeah, but that's just it seems like it seems like it's yeah, cuz no one else uses it.Yeah No one in Cambodia is going.
I'm doing Vietnamese calligraphy.Yeah Yeah, so it yeah, it doesn't uh phong shading.I don't know if that is yeah Yeah, this is why they're not, they're kind of... Alright, so let's put them right now based on what we see.Put them at 5.
At 5, but then we never did Japanese.I'm sure it's a lot.
Japan is 2.China's 1.So let's go to Japan.Japan was 2, and Korea is 3.
Well based on Korea though, I think we're like 4th.
No, well, let's see what Japan invests in.Zoom in, zoom in.Japan's a big deal.The electronic rice cooker, that's big.You use that every day.Godzilla, that's huge.Yeah, Godzilla's huge.CDs, laptops, karaoke.Oh my God.
Batteries, eyedrop funnels, novels, selfie sticks.Robotics.I mean, Japanese are big, dude.Huge.Emoji.The QR code.
It's really is it the jet skis?
Oh, yeah Instant noodles calculators.Oh my god, dude based on this.They're number one, dude.Yeah, you think yeah based on this.They're number one.That's a lot Happy faces.
Yeah, that's a lot in They they are glory holes.
Yeah, yeah bullet trains Wow big Walkman VHS.Yeah, it's a the novel.Oh
It's insane.It's insane.You would think the English.I think, yeah, but it's them.And they're great because they're such a small island nation.My grandfather said, very difficult to kill.He would shoot them hundreds.
They would never die, he said, in the war.Just keep shooting them and shooting them.And they run around.He said they'd go over there and hit them with paddles.
Well, I think what you're basically saying is they're just bad shots.
You get shooting, shooting, but they're just so quick.Couldn't do it, yeah.
Miss me, miss me.Yeah, okay.Yeah, so they would kind of, and they're fearless.What kind of white are you? Mostly German and then let's see German German probably just let me let me guess the watch the inventions are gonna get bad.
Yes the oven it's gonna get bad.Oh Yeah, oh you're gonna crush the game.Yeah.Yeah.Oh, you're gonna crush the game Germans are good Use all these things in not not great ways.All right.Are you real?Yeah bicycles.Um, we invented bicycles.
You invented Santa.Oh Yes, that's on there.Yeah Fanta Wow orange soda diesel engine.
Yeah bicycles is huge huge huge, dude Airbags, yeah gummy bears to me is huge.That's big automobile.
Wait, I thought Henry Ford did that maybe Look who invented the car
I guess the Germans.Maybe Mercedes-Benz?No, who really, really?Who invented the car?Yeah, I want to know that.We got to get the facts.We invented the Christmas tree as well, by the way.Benz, Karl Benz.So that's, he invented the car.That's German.
That's German.That's Mercedes-Benz.That's insane.Karl Benz.Wow.Mm-hmm.
That's insane.Well, good job.The Christmas tree is big.What?Christmas tree is a big one.Dude.Yeah.I don't know though.German's big.I don't know if you can claim that. It says it right there.Yeah, I know.
So you're the first people to put stuff on a tree.Yeah.Okay.
Yeah, it is definitely a German holiday.Is Santa German?Yeah, look, it says it originated in Germany in the 16th century.
I can't believe you're not coming to my show tonight.Yeah, I just have to do this thing, I think. I'll tell you why.I'll tell you why.Let's get off this.I'll tell you why.
It's because throughout my whole life, I've been known not to go to these events.I'm not good at the socializations, the social aspects of show business.I've never been good at it.I've been called aloof.I've been called like he seemed weird.
You know what I mean?I'm being real.I mean, that's the things that people say.We're shocked. Yeah, people go, I don't invite him because it's weird.You know what I mean?Why?He just sits in a corner.I don't really talk to much.
It's also I try too hard sometimes because I got to be cool.Right.So it's just like I'm not like I'll interject into a conversation I shouldn't interject.Right.You know, I'll give you an example.Last week, we're in Vegas.
And I got after my show with Bert, I got invited to Maroon 5.Great.And, you know, we saw Maroon 5 and then backstage Adam wanted to say hi.So I brought my friend John Park, dumbfounded.And talk about embarrassing.This guy tried so hard.
Like Adam brought up Korea and then John just stepped in.Well, yeah, Korea, I'm legit in Korea, he says, right?And eventually I had to go, Adam, I'm sorry, he's trying too hard and I backed him out of the story.
I go, shut the fuck up, dude, you're embarrassing.You said that to him.Yeah, and then later he got mad, he's like, you embarrassed me.I go, no, you embarrassed yourself, okay?But I understand how John was because that's what I'm like sometimes.
Are you good at parties?What is he famous for in Korea?
That's what, no, he was like, I know all the like legit restaurants and.Yeah, why would Maroon 5 care about that?Exactly.Yeah.Bingo.
Yeah, they're like, I don't care what the hot restaurant is in Pyongyang.Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We don't care either.Yeah.Yeah.Either, anyone.Yeah.Right.But, and I said, he likes you, John, just back up.Yeah.You're trying too hard.Yeah.And then Adam laughed at that.Right.And he thought I was ridiculing him.Right.Right.
But anyway, but the truth be known is I was a little nervous. Because of being around him just being around that whole situation because you know you watch that show It's like high the highest level of sure production.
Yeah, it's incredible the sound did they the choreography?Okay, it's fine.Oh, it's it's fine
Yeah, it's fine.That's what Germans invented, the fart.
They did?Yes.Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm not good at parties, no.I try to, like today I have a show, and then after there's people coming to the show, you know, it's LA, the agents, and I just, I wanna run out the back door right after the show.Which UTA?WME.Oh, WME, okay.Yeah, yeah.
So I wanna run because I don't like the social interaction because I can go on stage and do this all day for hours, but when it's the small talk, I don't know how to do it, I don't wanna do it, I get very, very, very uncomfortable.
I'm not good at it right and um Yeah, it's an unnatural almost you were really going to town yesterday on that jalapeno cornbread And the brisket in the mac and cheese you really why would you you really just know because he had stomach problems all night I heard him going to the bathroom all night.
Could I be honest with you I didn't so I ate a couple of pieces and my stomach has a instinctual alert system Right greens invented that yeah, I know we did yeah, yeah, and it's sort of like a queef out of your butt Yeah, I mean, it's not a fart you know I mean, but it's a quick like this you
Yeah, and my butt did that, and I stopped eating it.Smart.It's my system going, there's something wrong.
And you didn't eat again for the rest of the night?
No, I did.I had pasta.Right, so you just completely- I had a carbonara pasta.
You ignored the system.I did.
And I had a difficult night.Sometimes you ignore the system.But when you, did you keep eating?Does your body have an alert system?Sometimes it didn't with that.Okay.Yeah. Get Harper.Okay.
Yeah, and then we ate and then we ate big Italian meal Just before we came in then I fell asleep on Don's couch.
Oh, that's interesting So, let me ask you about your experiences in LA.Do you like you don't like it?
I don't have a problem with LA at all, but I am absolutely, if you said, hey Chris, your career will get twice as big, you just have to go to LA more, or you just have to move to LA, I would say I'd rather just stay where I'm at and just be in New York.
Because I don't hate LA, it's just my whole family and life and me feeling at peace is all in New York.
I like staying in the original 13 colonies. Okay, okay, that's what it is.That's enough said, and well put.Yeah.Yeah, I agree.Yeah, yeah.
I don't like, for me, if you could tell me I will have a career from Vermont to Georgia, the original 13, I would like to do that.Really?I don't like to go too far west.This is way too far.This is, to me, this is the Spanish.This is not our country.
Our country, what our founding fathers believed was the 13 colonies, and then Thomas Jefferson bought the Louisiana Purchase.He bought too much land.Yeah, yeah.That's not what we wanted.That's not what was agreed upon.
So I like staying in the original 13.
So if we would have stayed with the 13 colonies, what would have happened with the rest of the country, you think?It would have been like no man's land.
No, it would have stayed with Spain and France.
Do you know Thomas Jefferson, the actual president of the United States at this time, when he bought the Louisiana Purchase, when they sent Lewis and Clark out into that big blue west, Thomas Jefferson, this is why culture and society is wild.
Thomas Jefferson, who was the president, the sitting president, a very smart inventor type guy, he believed, and they were not sure if they were going to encounter dinosaurs or not.Really?I swear to God.
In like Ohio and all that, they knew they were going to encounter hostile Native Americans, but they also thought there could be a Tyrannosaurus Rex out there because they didn't have any information.Oh, right.They were scared.Of course.
So that's what they thought, that they thought there were dinosaurs.
But see the original 13, so from, actually not even Vermont was an original.So from New Hampshire up to Georgia, that's my zone right there.That's where I like to sell tickets, that's where I like to stay.My family has fun there, we feel close.
But don't you like the way it's a little bit more space in LA?No.You don't like that?Space gives me anxiety.When you give me space, you give me places for people to hide.I don't like that.There are places to hide in New York, no?
Oh, you know, the little cubbyhole.
Yes.And I think that and I think that for me out here, things get a little weird out here.You get a lot of serial killers out here.You get a lot of people just alone with their thoughts out here.Things can move too slow.Yeah.
There's a lot of isolation.We're over here.We're on top of each other.Yeah.In the moments can be frustrating.But that that that makes us feel more connected as humans.And I like it.I like it more than the original 13.
Yeah, because Son of Sam, let's talk about the killer.He was from New York.
Yeah, that's when you got me on.
No, no, no.But that's only one, really.I can't think of any other ones.
Yeah.The Boston Strangler.
Yeah, yeah.That's he's a pretty good one.Yeah.But the Son of Sam got caught quickly.No or no.
Son of Sam.Yeah.So Son of Sam shot people.He shot people.And allegedly Son of Sam, they pinned it on him, but he didn't do all the murders.It was a cult of people doing the murders.Oh, that's interesting tidbits.Thank you for saying that.
Tt.Jerry went was in prison with son of Sam and told us that Wow But you would have to admit though the Midwestern and the northern serial killers are the worst the worst don't you think the Midwestern in the northern?
Yeah?Yeah, I don't well the really the mid with the like Milwaukee on Jeffrey Dahmer John Deere movie right now Ted Bundy, Ed Gein, these are all like West where expansion is no good.Manifest Destiny, I don't like that.
I want the original 13, that's all.I think we should go back, if the United States runs any chance, I say we get rid of everything besides those original 13 and people come and move to where?To the East Coast.
We have the water there, we have the weather there.
What do you think of Cal Exit or Texas Exit?I'm for it.You're for states getting removed from the... Union.Union.Thank you so much.Union.And just having their independent own country.Do it.You think so?Do it.Because to me, it's the East Coast.
So what you're saying to me is that if Washington, Oregon, and California got off and we were on our own country, then you did that with the 13 colonies?Right.I think we'd be allies, no?
We would be allies, yeah.Yeah, yeah, yeah.Yeah, we would be allies.Yeah, because we would, yeah, we would be allies.Texas wouldn't be our ally.Yeah.
I feel like our army would be better than your army.
I'm in the California, Oregon, Washington.
No, no, no.Because somebody like Don, who's from Georgia, we have the Deep South in the 13 colonies.They're the fighters.Yeah, but we have MS-13.That's true.Yeah, but they're not legal.
I'll have them.That's true.Yeah.Yeah, we still have them.Yeah, brother.We're regardless.I'd make them don't work for you I'll make them legal right and that's a pretty good bar me.Mm-hmm.Yeah, we throw out them first.Look at that back.I do.
Yeah I don't want to fuck with that guy dude.Yeah, it's tattoos on his eyeball.Those guys are bad.They're pretty bad Yeah, yeah or good if they're listening look at that hand gesture.
I can't even do that with my fingers.I
I know I have arthritis.Yeah, I couldn't do it.
Yeah, but I think I think yeah, I think you we should think more as Americans We should think more about just going back to what this was originally tended.I don't think so.
It's never gonna happen No, yeah.Yeah, I think it's fine the way it is.I you know, I think that we're like politically Polarized in this country like we've never seen but I think at the end of the day, you know, we'll be fine.I
Here's the thing is like, what do you think this is any worse today than it was in the French Revolution when they cut the king and queen's heads off?Like, it's the same shit.Just relax.Everyone needs to just fucking relax.That's what I'm saying.
Everyone thinks they're in the worst.Tell that to a World War II veteran that they're living in the worst time in American history.And they're like, what?Yeah, it was.400,000 soldiers died.
Yeah, there's been a lot of points in American history that was worse.Sure.You know what I mean?Yeah.I mean, the Depression was terrible.The Great Depression.The Great One.Right.And that's where jazz came out. That's it.That's where jazz came out.
And that's where, yeah.Can you name me 10 jazz musicians?Nat King Cole.Not necessarily jazz, no.
Edgar Allen Poe.Hold on.Coltrane Johnson.
I'll give you that one.Okay.You ready for this one?Yeah.
B.B.King. Blues.Medgar Evers.But that jazz.Medgar Evers, yes.He didn't play anything, but he did like a jazz.Okay, here we go.Maya Angelou.No, let's move on.No, no, no.Hold on.You got nothing right.
No.Ernest Hemingway.Thanks for saying Ray Charles.I want to talk about this.We'll wrap it up with this.Koreans invented braille. Thank you.
Braille translators.Oh, yes, that's right.Not even.
I saw a documentary on Netflix.It's The Greatest Night in Music.I think I know what it was called.Oh, yeah, I saw that.You saw We Are the World.And did you see it?Oh, my God.
It's incredible. The way, I mean, imagine getting all those guys in one night to stay in one studio.Insane.Until five in the morning to lay down a track, right?After they went to the AMA awards or whatever.
Yeah, something like that.
Yeah, something like that, right.And the amount of talent in that room, but without Quincy Jones and Michael Jackson, right?Sure.
Dude, the funniest parts is when Michael Jackson was with Lionel Richie and they're at like Michael Jackson's house, right?And Lionel Richie's like talking about something and then all of a sudden he hears like a hiss.Oh, yeah.
Yeah, like, what the fuck is that?And then Michael Jackson, oh, there he is.He's been missing for so long.And there's this gigantic bow constrictor. Right, and Lionel Richie's all freaked out, you know what I mean?
Just to think that Michael Jackson, he's just like not a normal.No, because you can't be that talented and be normal, it's one or the other.But when you watch this, though, and you're like, yeah, there he is.He was missing for like two days, I think.
And almost ate Lionel Richie.But when you think of, when you see that documentary, you go, and you see him singing and stuff, you go, Wow, he's so, you can just tell how talented he is.Oh yeah, big time.
He was legend, almost like he had autism.
Yeah, but there are some people in there, I don't know why they were in it.You mean, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
Like why was Dan Aykroyd in it?
Yeah.Yeah.What is he doing there?Yeah, but you saw him in it Huey Lewis.Well, he's a good singer though.Yeah, he was a good big celebrity Yeah, but like the one person they couldn't that almost said no was Cindy Lauper.
It's like I don't know Yeah, they bitch fucking Ray Charles is going bitch.Yeah, you know, I mean, yeah you go Bruce Springsteen Yeah, she's yeah.
I mean these a lot of these people because there's just a little before my time I don't even know who they are Well, yeah, you do.Was Whitney Houston, was she in it?Yeah.
Okay, Mariah Carey?No, she wasn't around then.I mean, look at me right now.Do you know who Kenny Rogers is?Yes, yes I do.Give me a song.
Uh, no one to hold him, no one to fold him, fucker.
Whoa, that was really fucking good.Yeah, give me another one, give me another one.Dionne Warwick.
She does the the name Diane Warwick no Dion Dion Warwick does uh does um the tarot card readings exactly Bob Dylan you know he died in the plane crash no You know Bob Dylan you're being jokey No, I swear to I swear.
I don't know Bob Dylan is I do know who Bob Dylan is I've heard the name I don't know one if it's not let it be what's one of the Are you being fucking real?I swear.I'm not you're so dumb right now, dude.
I'm really upsetting the shit out No, no Bob Dylan.
I'm sure I I know if you asked me to pick him out of a lineup I'm sure I know I think I could guess which one he was I Yeah, but I think but I've heard the name Bob Dylan, but I don't know one of the songs.
Okay, okay So but but you know who he is So you're I've heard of him, but I don't like I don't know what song you know, Stevie Wonder, right Stevie Wonder Yeah, you are the sunshine of my life.
Yeah, you are the sunshine of my life.
You are the sunshine of my life I just called say I love you and then Lionel Richie was anyway, um, take what do you want to promote anything?Oh Uh, christycomedy.com.I got a bunch of stand-up dates up there.
Um, some are sold, selling well, some aren't.I had to cancel my shows in Oxford this weekend.I'm running into absolute, uh, ticket problems in certain markets.
Hmm on this one this one we could pick up the pace in Fort Worth, Texas, but that might that might be it might have happened already I think it's gonna be good New Year's Eve in December Phoenix in December I will be in Phoenix, Arizona and stand up live stand up live and then love it even Miami improv from December 28th to the 31st
I just, I like doing my random weekends, you know what I mean?Right.But you're still away a lot because you do the movies.Yeah, I do, but I would do different things, you know what I mean?A variety of different things.
And then me and Andrew are going to do Australia and Singapore, but, you know.Australia's the lowest white. I know, but they're my favorite.And you know how I know they're lower?Yeah.Because they're the girls that really hit on me a lot.
They really do.Like the hottest ones go, when are you coming, baby?You know what I mean?I don't know.But anyway, thank you so much.Thank you for being a bad friend.Thank you.That was great.
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