This is a HeadGum Podcast.
Hi, everyone, it's Nicole.While we're on hiatus, we're bringing back some of my favorite episodes completely ad-free!
This week, it's a live show from Chicago with my friend Gabrus and my other friends, the Doughboys, Mike Mitchell and Nick Weiger, kicking things off right after we did a Gabrus High and Mighty Power Hour.
So we were all very, very drunk, and yes, I broke a toilet backstage. right before the show started.It was pretty upsetting.The theater also didn't know what happened until I said it on stage.Isn't that fun for them?
We got into some wild talks about our favorite sex positions, and there was a marriage proposal right in the middle of the show to make me sad about being single.All while I was drenched in toilet water.
It was definitely one of the most iconic moments in Why Won't You Date Me history.Also, don't forget to subscribe to our new YouTube channel. You'll find new video episodes dropping there soon, and the link is in the episode description.Okay!
Let's-a jump into it!Cue the music!Why won't you date me?Why won't you date me?Why won't you date me?
She's a little dumpster baby!Give it up for Nicole Byer!
Thank you! Oh boy, thank you.Oh boy, I needed that.Thank you.Oh my God.Oh, I'm literally crying.Thank you.Thank you.Podcasting is an audio media and I just got a fucking standing ovation and I've done nothing. Thank you.I just broke a toilet.
And you're like, oh, it didn't flush.No, it fully fell out of the wall.And I wasn't super embarrassed because I was like, I went to the gym today.
you know so like i'm a couple pound lighter and then the toilet said bitch you're not uh you gots to go back well this is an episode of why won't you date me Thank you, it's a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single.
Even though if you asked me to put ketchup in my butt and took me to McDonald's and asked me to squeeze it out on your hamburger, I would do it.I'm running out of these fucking things to say to you people.I don't know, but I do have guests today.
My first guest that I could see, you know him, you love him, he's America's number one fuckboy, it's John Gabrus!And I'll say this, I came out of that bathroom and I said I broke the toilet, and Gabrus said, I'll take credit, I'll take credit!
Me and Mitch were willing to go to bat for bio.We're like, let us know who you need to like, we'll tell the story that it was us that broke this.
It was very kind, but I truly just told all these people it was me and my body.
Did you tell the landlord?Because he has a lawsuit on this.
Truly the landlord can suck my dick. I mean, you knew a big bitch was coming.You gotta, I don't know, put some fucking sticks of wood under it.I don't know.
We gotta start putting in our riders, buttress the toilets. Put a couple of cinder blocks under there so daddy can drop a dose, baby.
So I can feel, I will, I will tell you this.I was sitting on the toilet going, and uh... Okay, okay.
You're admitting fault, it sounds like.
Was giving it the full weight of my body.
Oh, I'm afraid to give anything my full weight.I don't fuck my wife without a fucking repelling harness.Hooked through a stud in the ceiling.
Well, I like to test things, and I think that ends today.On June 15th, whenever I see a wicker chair, I'm like, will it?Will it?
I broke two chairs in one day on a show I was hosting, and it was the most humiliating thing.And one of them was a fucking barber's chair.Like a full metal, it just, the steel bent, and I just slowly tipped over.It was humiliating.
Well that's like when you did Nailed It.We sat down and went, these chairs are bad, right?
And you went, terrible.Yeah.They're like, let's put Bayer and Gabriel in a high top four sling.
Truly, which is like sticks of wood.I said, I'm the biggest bitch you've ever seen.
These are like Asian kitchen stools.Yes.I'm like, my body is fat for America.Like I'm a J.Crew XXL, which means I can't even try on European clothes.Yeah.
I did a commercial in Romania where I was a fairy and they had me swinging in the air.
God, what are you, crazy?
You trust those fucking vampires?I was the blackest they could find here in America.And... To be fair, you are rather black, even for Americans.Oh, thank you!Honestly, the audition consisted of me going, you want some ice cream?
And... They couldn't just listen to your podcast to hear that?
Well, it was before podcasting happened.And the casting director said, I want you to be as black as possible.If you go too black, I'll bring you back.Which is like, we in Chicago, it's too black.If I bring a gun, and I'm like, I'm a fucking blood.
They're like, you were 90 minutes late to the callback.That's a touch too black for us.
We took a fucking lift here and I was late for that.
Like, I... I gave Mitch so much shit about... My show started at 4.30 and I kept joking that it was at 4.00.And me and Nicole rolled up at 4.25.And Mitch goes, you gotta be at 4.00.I go, guess why I was late?
I'm always late.But I went to Romania and the stunt dude goes, hello.And I said, hi.He goes, we found the biggest man who lives in Romania.
Man, and we put them in the harness for you cuz you are huge and I couldn't be insulted cuz I was like, yeah fucking don't drop me Motherfucker in there.
I don't get on a fucking hammock unless and see a family on it first I'm with you, dude.I'm always like, I do these shoots and they're like, all right, get in this thing.
I'm like, let me see two of your fattest grips climb in and out of it before I go anywhere near this fucking thing.
Oh boy.These people are like, why are there two?Why are there two more microphones?There's two more guests.You should have called me out last.Cause I'll just talk.You better believe he's currently on his phone.
I assume he's looking at pictures of his cats.
I know it's a bit, but have you ever thought about how he feels when y'all boo him onto the stage?
Did we ever, did we double check with the people who built this stage that all three of us could be out here at the same time?
Honestly, if I break a stage the same day I break a toilet, I'ma walk into traffic.
I love that none of these events are signs that we need to lose weight.They're all signs that something's wrong with society.
Yeah! I'm sorry I'm late.I had to go to the bathroom.I had to take a shit into a pipe.
There's a rusty pipe sticking out of the toilet we've been taking turns shitting in.
I will say, there was a moment where I was on the floor with a shattered toilet, a wet body, and I said, well I better turn off the water.
Because I'm a woman at heart!And I was like, I can't let this fucking theater fucking flood!Oh boy.
Nicole is so awesome that Gaber's not stood up and was like, we'll take the blame for this.
Of course they'll blame.By the way, the most gentlemanly thing we can come up with in any moment is like, let us be the ones that shattered the toilet. And Nicole's like, I'm recording a podcast after this.I'll take this information to the stage.
And I called Sasheer and she was like, talk about it on stage.And I was like, how?How?Is my opener like, guess who's unhealthy?Like, I don't know.
No fucking one.That's insane.That's not your fault.That's the toilet's fault.That's the toilet's fault. Are you fucking out of your mind?I'm so mad.
I'm mad at a toilet, but I'm mad.
I don't want to get into beef with Mike Thalia, but hey, Mr. Thalia, fucking put a toilet that a human person can sit on. Yeah, get those fucking cheap toilets.Hey, enough of these cheap knockoff toilets.I need high GPF, 275 kilos.
I will say this, you two stepping up and saying, we will say that we were not in the bathroom and we broke that toilet, is the nicest thing a man's ever done for me.
That says more about your experience with men than anything else.
I mean, men are very bad to me.There is one more guest.
When we stood up and we were like, what made you say that, Nicole?
Oh, the empty chair, the microphone that's just getting whispers of your words, you know.
You know he's going to sit in the high stool when he comes out here.
I hope so.You guys, here's the other half of the Doughboys.It's Nick Wiger! And full disclosure, we did a power hour before this.But I, you just.
I can't believe you introduced me last.It's such like, it's like introducing the Beatles and landing on, and give it up on drums, Ringo.
I'll tell you something, I don't really get that reference.Hey, that's all right.I know who the Beatles are, but like.
Congratulations.Thank you.
I'm familiar with Abraham Lincoln.I just don't know.Well, of course.He was the face of Seneca's free.
So with the... It looks like you've changed every man in the audience into a woman from High and Mighty.It's the exact opposite gender flip.It is crazy.There's so many more women than there was an hour ago.It's insane.
Yes, thank you. Yes, my fans are civilized.Um, except when they see me do stand-up, they love yelling at me.You better believe I hate the city of Appleton, Wisconsin! And you better believe I hate a woman named Krista.
I will talk about Krista until the day I die.Fuck that woman.A white woman with a birthday is the most powerful form of a person.
Nobody fucking cares!I hate Krista.So you're willing to talk about her for another six to eight weeks?
I will talk about Krista literally until the day I die.Which is soon.Oh, I'll probably die tomorrow.I broke a toilet today.I'm gonna probably fall out of a plane tomorrow.Shit on the plane tomorrow?Land in fucking Heisenberg's house or whatever?
I'm on my plane tomorrow and just my seat falls out and they're like, uh-oh, bitch was too heavy. Whatever, if I die on a plane, that's great.Yeah.You know, at least I probably ate a breakfast in front of a bird, you know?
How do you guys want to die?Ooh, good question.
That is a good question.Gabrus, how would you like to die?
Suffocation via face-sitting.
Oh, man, that's a good one.Wow, so many woos for that.That's insane.
And I'll tell you why they're clapping.
So many women out there want to kill him that way.
If someone's ready to kill me with their fucking thighs, your boy is ready to die.
I'll tell you why they're so excited.If I fucking sat on someone's face and got up and they were dead, I would go, well, you probably deserved it.
And then I would move the fuck on to somebody else.The day I turn single is the day I text you and go, I want you to treat me like a Chicago toilet.Don't shit on me or in me, but shit on me until I shatter.
I literally give you what I was doing.
I was like... And then it broke and I was like, oh no!
It like happened in slow motion.It was really wild. It's upsetting how gingerly I've been sitting on things for the last five years of my life.Such a major part of my stress is like, is this safe to sit on?
My father-in-law just last weekend was like, you can get on the hammock, and I go, no fucking way.He's like, I've been on the hammock, and I'm like, that doesn't matter.If I sit on a hammock, that's sitting on the floor on top of ropes for me.
I'm trying to be more adventurous, and I'm gonna not do that anymore.
Yeah, I mean, like, we're adventurous, but we don't need to, like, grab onto, like, a chin-up bar that isn't fucking drilled into studs.
I guess I'm gonna start squatting over toilets, but that's where I take my rest.
No, no, it's the toilet's fault.The fact that it was a Chicago toilet is even more fucked up.
Yeah.A Chicago toilet should be able to take two tons of Al's beef a night. You should be able to load, you should be able to load kielbasa in a sausage machine that goes right into a toilet and it just flushes everything.
Speaking of Chicago, my family lives in Chicago.Please welcome my sister Catherine!Just kidding! Just kidding.
Before I broke a toilet... Wait, hold on.You're kidding about her coming out, but you're not kidding that she lives in... No, she definitely lives in Chicago.
She lives in Hyde Park.I said, hey, Catherine, would you like to come talk for 15 minutes on my podcast?The people want you.And she went, oh. Well, I'm having dinner with my neighbor I lived near two years ago.
That starts at 7, and I said, you can't meet her at 7.30, and she went, hmm.No?And I said, goodbye.So that's where we're at today.Today's been a magical day.
So let's get another round of applause for Just Nicole and Fuck Catherine.
She listens to the podcast.I love you, Catherine, but for real.I'm 100% sure she'll listen to this and go, I should have came.She's one of those people that's like, a thing happened and I should have done it.Right.That's her.
What does Catherine do in Chicago?
She, oh, how do I say that?Okay, she teaches kids who are the special needs kids.She doesn't like the way I say it and this audience wouldn't like it either.
Well, special needs is maybe the only way to say it.Yes, yes.Don't say it any other way.Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it took me a second because I always say it a certain way and she's like, Nicole.And the only reason why I say it the other way is so I can hear her go, Nicole. Oh, she has such a sad voice.
Also, my whole family is here, and not one of them came to this show.Wow.
So I guess you guys are my family.Wow.
Finally, a family I want to be part of.Thank you.
Wait, are there black people here? Thank God.
And you better believe, that's the second beat of that joke.
I said the same thing in the last show.But there was less black people.
Weirdly enough.Thank you.
Thank you for coming.I will say this.
According to Trump, there's a lot of black people in Chicago.
Yes.Yes.There's a lot of black people everywhere.And he said, I'm not going to help them.Let's not get into politics.So you're married.You're married.You have cats.
Wally and Irma.It's funny that I always forget Irma's name.Irma is my sister's middle name.Wow.Which is like maybe a, like what is that, Freud?Freudian?Freudian slip.Freudian slip.Okay, so what's your favorite position?
The aforementioned oral sex with me on the bottom.Okay, okay.I'm a fan of, I'm a heterosexual bottom. I'm a power bottom.
I I Last longer if I'm not on top, okay I need to last like 18% longer to get my wife off and so we're okay with switching to me being on bottom I get that I just learned how to be on top which it's not easy and
It's not easy.No, it's not easy doing all the work.But like, I was dating this dude who was a fan of all of yours.Fuck him.So I was dating him, and he was like, climb up my dick.And I was like, no.
Because, OK, so the first time I rode a man, I looked at him in the face and I said, I'm riding you. I've never done this before.He was like blue past out.No, his dick like retracted from it.Like he was like not impressed.
That's normal.That's normal.
I'm about to float off the stage because the popcorn smells so fucking good.It does smell, Rue.It smells.
Do you guys smell that?Jesus.
The what?Wait, the popcorn?The popcorn smells amazing.Wait, what are you saying?The popcorn.Wait, what the?You say popcorn?Yeah, I'm a weird Boston guy.Wait.And my favorite position is missionary.
I've never heard a bigger pop from missionary.I've actually literally never heard a pop from a missionary.
I'll tell you something.I just learned about how good missionary can be.Okay, here's my thing.I love doggy style.I love it.I don't want to look at you. But I just learned if you lift your legs, that's better.
And I was talking to Sasheer, and I was like, Sasheer, I was told to lift my legs.And she was like, yeah, that's normal.I was like, I thought that only happened in porn.And she was like, what do you think porn is, if not just sex between two people?
I sure hope porn isn't just technically sex between two people.Because when I do it, it doesn't look like that so much.It's hairier for sure.
Well, I started practicing when I go to the gym.You saw me at the gym today.
Oh, I did.That's a sentence neither of us have ever been able to say.
Like I saw you and didn't really know how to communicate with you.
I was like, Oh, I said this on High and Mighty, but it's like seeing a teacher at the grocery store.You're like, where do I know you from?Oh, we've been friends for 12 years.I was just not used to seeing you on the elliptical.
I was just so happy I didn't have, like, a diet coke with me.Like... I was just so happy about that.Or, like, fucking Kool-Aid.I don't like water.But lately, I've been, like, stretching after working out and practicing my legs up missionary.
Which looks insane.And a lady caught me and I was in Arizona.I was like, I guess I was like quivering and being like, oh.Like really.
You're not even describing working out at this point.You're a spread eagle in a gym in Arizona going, oh.Show us.Show us.So I was like this.
And then, I was like, trying to like, lift my legs back, and I was like, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.And then I went like that, and there was a lady staring at me, and I went, mm, sorry.
I wanted to just backflip into your pussy so bad.I wanted to dagger you like I was a Jamaican dancehall dancer.Do you want to?Do you think you could dagger me?Do you guys know what daggering is? Do you think you could?
Do you want to lay like that again and see what I can do?Yeah, let's see what happens.
Well, Nicole is lying on the floor of the stage with her legs up in the air.Gabrus did a cartwheel and is daggering her.My God.
Wow.That's impressive. I just want to say that... Weiger hasn't spoken the whole podcast until he gave that play-by-play.
I was like, I have to contribute something.I'll give some commentary for the people listening.
I will say this!I'm upset you didn't give me your full weight.
I don't give anything my full weight, including toilets backstage.
Okay, we talked about this on High and Mighty very briefly, but you like ass play?I like it, I don't root for it, but I'll take it.I don't root for it, so you're not in the streets screaming, eat my ass!
I'm not like, it's my birthday, put a finger in the... Oh my God!Yeah!
MR Engineer just brought popcorn out to the stage.This rules.
Popcorn got a bigger pop than me back-flipping into Nicole's pussy.
Oh, that's where that little bottle of Tito's went.Good God.
Yeah, you know, you break a toilet, you deserve a shot.Wow.Yes! Do you have watermelon in water?
I know, I have a vodka soda with two watermelon cubes floating in it.I like to muddle my own fruit, sweetheart.Deal with it.
I love it.Nick, can I ask you about ass play?Yes, please.Yeah.Do you like ass play?
Don't love it.I'm, I'm like, because I'm self-conscious.I'll be, hey, I'll do, hey, I'll do whatever.But I'm self-conscious about my own hole and And I, like, when I've had that manipulated in any form, I've felt like it's too sensitive.
I'm like a little too... I get too many... the nerve endings are too... They're just feeling everything.And I just get a little... I'm like at the chills more than I get any sort of sensation of pleasure.
Have you ever had your asshole reached by anyone?I know you don't have the shoulder mobility to get there, but...
Just to let the audience know, I can wipe my own ass.Okay.You have to say that at the top of all these shows.
Wait, Mitchie, has anyone licked your butt?
No one has licked my butt ever.What about your cat?The tight's a puppy, Mitch!I'm getting pretty drunk over here, I'm ready to eat your fucking ass.
Would you let someone eat your butt?
I don't know, I treat it a lot like, it's kind of a Chernobyl situation where I poured sand on it and put a roof over it a long time ago.And no one should be there for at least 60 or so years.I don't know.
So you're saying you'll let your ass get eaten when you hit 90?
When I hit 96 years old, which everyone is sure I'm going to get to.No, I've never, no, no, you know, never a finger.No, no, no.I mean, I don't start, I've never been like butts off limit at the top.
Like, I've never said that to anyone.Well, thank God!You've never put your own finger in your ass?Yeah, you never fucking tickle your butt? What do you do in the shower?Use soap and water?
Yeah.Wait, do you not wash your ass?Because I just learned white people don't wash their legs.
Some people don't do that, yeah.I wash my legs.I wash my butt.I get my butthole clean.
Do you wash your legs?I wash everything.
OK, Wiger, do you wash your legs?
I wash everything.And I know that the, whoa, not all white people thing is problematic.But the first time I've ever felt that in my life is when people are like, white people don't wash their legs.I was like, whoa, hold on a second. That's true.Yeah.
Yeah, everyone's like, white people are racist, white people are this.I'm like, fair, fair, fair.Yeah, no, that's fair.Yeah, no.It's like, they don't wash their legs.I'm like, I actually have to step in here.
One of the few things I do do is wash my legs.
Is there anyone out there who will publicly say they don't wash their legs?
You know you didn't have to respond.There's two people pointing at one woman.
One person. Ma'am, please stand up.Stand, yeah, stand up.Be proud of it.Wow.Wait, why don't you wash your legs?
She's a double amputee.Let's take it back.Everyone chill.It's kind of fucked up that we're making fun of her now.
Wait, real quick.Why don't you wash your legs?
Oh, you're in the runoff camp. The shampoo for my hair washes my legs.Girl, you got dirty legs.
What do you wash in the shower?
All you gotta do is wash the top of your scalp.Everything else gets cleaned by accident.I shower upside down and I just wash the bottom of my feet.I let it all run up.You gotta wash your ass in the shower.
That's how you find out that the male G-spot is real.
Okay, real quick, I added some, um, pictures to my Tinder that, um... Wow.I know, people have been like, it's stagnant, you haven't added anything.So, uh, the three of you, I'd like you to look at my Tinder.
Uh, look together, also podcasting... Mitch, pretend you're seeing it for the first time.
Okay, so, describe to people what you're seeing.
I'm seeing black Ursula from Little Mermaid. And I am hard AF.
Bitch, you're seeing Lil' Kim.I'm so- Wow.I'll describe the picture.I'm wearing a fucking lavender beehive.I'm wearing a purple fucking bikini.I'm wearing a purple fur coat and I'm squatting and my fucking legs are roping.That rules.Okay.
My bad before I pass it on do you want to just say what the picture is?You handed it to me and then said wrong one second later.
I'll let you know if you're wrong What's the biggest lie on here?
How old does it say?I'm 32 or 33?I don't fucking know.Uh, I don't know how to- I can't log into- Wow, that second pick, I just saw it.
My goodness.You're- so you're- you're wearing leopard- a leopard print one-piece.
You're, uh- Damn!Your derriere is fully f- facing the camera.Derriere?Jesus, Walker.Your hair's in braids.
I'm seeing a lot here.There's a lot going on.
He just was right.Weiger was right.
Yeah, that's right.I have my ass out, my tattoos are showing.
You better believe there's a hamburger, a hot dog, and it says, uh, stick it in these buns, and then there's an ice cream cone, a cupcake, and a lollipop, and it says, it's sweet, just taste it.Here's the thing.I'm benevolent.
If you're back there, I want you to be entertained.You know?
She has the full script for Anchorman.
All right, next pick.I'm seeing a bathroom, there's a toilet on the ground.
Yeah, it just seems to be pieces of broken porcelain.
No, this pick rules.It is you.You are in a bikini.Wow.You look great.You're in a shopping cart. And you were riding it like a surfboard.That's not even fake.That's 100% real.I don't know how you even did that.You look amazing.
You're in a full squat in the shopping cart in motion.
I've never had a Tinder account, but can you propose via Tinder?Because if so, you'd be my wife in a heartbeat.This is a fucking... This is truly something that I dream up to jerk off to.
Thank you.And then everything else is the same.It's me in a split.
These are all new pics, yeah?
Those are all new.I put them up for you guys.Then there's me with a dildo, me with my dog, me climbing a bookcase.And then it says, definitely a thought, the happiest out there.I'm tired of dumpster people.
I really like to have all the fun, like all of it, and truly, since I put these pictures up, I have gotten, no, wait, no, I did get one message, hold on.
It's for me.I know you wouldn't let me take credit for the toilet smash, but I still love you.
I just got from David, it's the tongue emoji from a butt pic.And then Ryan just liked me in a shopping cart.David?Step up your fucking game.What the fuck?I mean, this is what I'm dealing with.
Who are single guys on Tinder in the audience right now?Shout it out. Okay.Not a lot.Interesting.
Honestly, my demographic is women, gay men, and then boyfriends who are like, I don't fucking know who she is.And then for whatever reason, after the show, love to let me know that they didn't know who I was.
And then I'm really funny and I should keep going.
People who don't know who you are love to say nothing more than like, whoa, you're actually really funny.Like as if you went to a doctor and left and go, I assumed you were going to be a shitty doctor.And you saved my life.Thank you.
I'll tell you this.I've been shooting a show that rhymes with Wailed It.And, um. One of the contestants goes, so what job did you have before this?And I said, are you asking how I got this job hosting a show on Netflix?
And she went, yeah, don't know who you are.And I'm 100% sure they're going to use that.Wow.It didn't feel good.And then I gave her my whole resume, and she went, oh.
MTV I don't watch that I was like I really want you to suck a dick and she didn't win Don't insult the person who's giving you money.If anything, I'd be like, I love everything you do, including walking.I don't know.I would suck up to me.
One time someone said, where do I know you from?And I listed, like, people like you to list their credits.Like, you're like, oh, maybe it's from this.Like, no.I'm like, college humor?No.I'm like, podcast?No.They don't know anything.
And then they go, did you go to Mepham High School? And I'm like, fuck, yeah, we went to high school together.You said, where do I know you from?And I listed my resume.And my resume is Beat AF.I'm like, oh, did you get to channel 1271?
I don't help people out anymore when they're like, what do I know you from?I'm like, oh, I don't know.I guess I must look like another black woman you know.And then they're like, oh, no, that's not it.And I'm like, you're a racist.You are a racist.
It's very fun for me.I have a question.Is Charlie here? Hi So it's Charlie and Laura.Am I getting that right?No Different Charlie.Okay.So is your Instagram account G gold MCT?Okay.Do you want to do something Charlie?
What the hell's going on here?I don't know.Charlie, you had a question you wanted to ask Nicole or someone else in the crowd?
Charlie DMed me on the Instagram and said he would like to do something.And I said, 30 minutes in, he could.We're at 36.I'm sorry I'm late.I'm black.So Charlie, what would you like to do?Yes!Yes!Holy shit!Yes!Yes!
Charlie!Get on one knee, motherfucker!You got this!Get on a knee!Oh my god!
Wow.All right, shut the fuck up so Charlie can do it.Charlie, project. Louder Charlie, wait.I don't know how to get to you.
Here, here.You can take my mic.
They're all attached to the mic.Be careful, Nicole.Nicole is rolling off stage.
Hand your wired mic to Charlie.
OK.Marlene, the love of my life, will you please marry me in front of all these people here? Bitch, you gotta say yes.And our new friend, Nicole, here, who's been so gracious.I'm covered in toilet water.I mean, sure.
I mean, Nicole says yes, so I'm going to say yes, of course.Yay!Round of applause for the newly fiancé!
Charlie, you got to help out. charlie good elbow
For the listener at home, we just got a team of 12 to get Nicole back on stage.
Oh my god.I broke a toilet, other people are in love, and then four men had to help me get back on stage.
Guys, round of applause.What's Charlene?What's your fiance's name?What's your fiance's name?
Charlene? Marlene?Give it up for Charlie and Marlene!
Charlie DM'd me and was like, what's the likelihood that I could convince you to help me propose?I said, ugh, okay.And he was like, I don't want you to feel obligated.I was like, no, I'll be fine.
You know, if other people can't fucking... If I can't find love, I'm happy that you guys did.You know?
Nicole, I gotta shoot my shot.I'm single, by the way.
Honestly, Mitch, there are so many... You literally have four hands in the air.Yes!Who will fuck Mitch and eat his butt?
Just make sure to swipe right on the picture of Mitch squatting over a broken shopping cart.
It's a bunch of women who know Gabrus is married and are like, I'll take my second choice.
I have a type.My dad was weird to me growing up.
I love that Weiger has spoken three times and one was to say that Mitch is a second rate Gabrus.
Uh, okay, here's- The horny energy off the crowd after that proposal is insane.
That was wild.That was wild.I'm at an absolute sem-dug from that.I love love that much that I'm gonna be half hard till this thing wraps.
I couldn't ha- I feel- I feel like I've done a dozen Adderall just by the fucking energy.
It's insane.I literally could not close my mouth.I was just like- I was just wide open.
My clit is rock hard, uh...
Charlie, what's the date?
When are you thinking of doing it?Charlie, will you suck my clit?Oh, what are you asking?
Charlie, your last day as a single man, you gotta do it.Lick that hard clit.
Yeah, baby.Lick my little hard clit.I quit.It's so hard.Lick my rock hard clit.I know.When I was getting back on stage, I got caught on the stage.
Charlie, Charlie's children can listen to this podcast one day.
They're like, why did you let that grotesque woman do that?
Daddy, did you really suck her hard clit?No, son, we all have regrets.
Are there single men here?There are a few.There are a few.There's literally one.
Are there any single women who can keep a secret here?
Oh, it doesn't have to be a secret.I'll fuck a woman.I was talking more for myself.
I would tell Tiffany in a heartbeat.Oh, I know.I'm not trying to fuck.If I ever got wind of it, I would be like, doop, doop, doop.Tiffany!Because I love Tiffany more than you.
That's completely reasonable.
Everyone I've ever met, including myself, agrees with you.
Here's a question.How should I act to get a man?So like, okay, like, what did Tiffany and what did Natalie do to make you go, oh, this is the person I want to be with?
Wow, that's a great question.It's an interesting question.
And then what did Wally and Irma do for you to say...
That's who I want to be with.Really wild that Nick responded with, wow.
I will say that I never had any doubt of Natalie's authenticity as a person.And I immediately was like, oh, you're being completely real with me.This is who you are.There's no artifice here.The thing I remember is that my wife Natalie,
Talked with her for a while on one of our birthdays, I don't remember which, and then I, like, just, for some reason at the end I asked for her email address, I don't know why.
The most romantic story you'll hear all night, folks.
Can you give me my, what's your email on one of our birthdays?And then I, cause our birthdays are 11 days apart.
And you guys knew each other from high school?
We knew each other from high school, but we didn't start talking until after college.And I emailed her a week later, because I was like, I don't know, I don't want to seem desperate.And her reply was, wow, you sure took your sweet time emailing me.
Jesus.And I was like, oh, this is who, this is, like, that made me like her more, because it was like, oh, this is who you are.You're not even trying to be, like, diplomatic here.
You're just, like, giving me shit for being kind of an asshole in this situation.And that's, like, kind of how That's kind of how she's been throughout this relationship.
She's like, kind of put me in my place when I need to be put in my place when no one else will do it.
And the subject of the email, the body of the email is just a zero, zero, zero, one, one, one, zero, zero, zero.I guess I got to cut and paste this into human translator.
Hey, Nicole, I want to say, oh, shit, everyone got quiet.That's what a crowd is supposed to do.
Yeah, that's what happens.
I'm not trying to get cheers.You're funny.
It's just the right person coming and getting you, and it's gonna fucking happen.Wow!Thank you. I'm just trying to be real.
It's the truth.I'm with Mitch.To double down on what you said, you said, how do I need to act to get a boyfriend?You act like yourself.Right.Yes.And wait for a man who has the fucking balls to date you.
Otherwise, you're gonna pretend to be someone else and get some fucking pussy to step his way in there and be like, I think I like this.And then, no, you can't fucking handle this woman unless you're ready for this woman, all right?
So, if you're gonna come, come correct, motherfuckers!Yeah!
Come correct and on my titties! Don't come on my face.I spent time on it.It's expensive.Yes.
Nicole's a catch.Put your weightlifting vest on and catch her.I'm allowed to say that because I'm fat.You are.Yeah.
We're two little fatties.I broke a toilet.I literally can't. This year has been bad, and I was talking to Sasheer, and I was like, I don't know what I did to have karma be like this.I won't get into everything that's happened, but it's been bad.
Let's see. Thank you so much.I do like to do questions from the audience.Um, so let's, let's do that before I ask you guys if you would date me.You've already answered it, but whatever.Uh, if you have a question, there's no organized way.
Uh, just, uh, Oh, there's a, Oh, there is an organized way.
And people are running to the microphone, by the way.
Just yet, line up at that mic.They have extra time to figure out the microphone since no one's figuring out the toilets in this place.
I'll try to answer as many as possible.There's no way.
There's so many people here, this is insane.
Like 30 people lined up.We have like 12 minutes to answer questions.What is your question?Say your name, where you're from, and how you're feeling.
Oh, I am Jillian, and I am from Chicago.Hello, Doughboys.Hello, Gabrys.Hello, Nicole.God bless you.How you feeling?Sexy.
All right.I'm also PurrSnacks.Oh, hello, PurrSnacks.
Oh, hell yeah.You gave us nuts.Thank you.
Excellent work on the nuts.
I gave you fucking nuts.I got nuts in the first show because I was getting a little too drunk.But now I'm pretty good.What's up?Now I have a shot.Oh, what is happening?
Where the hell did you get that from?
She just pointed to the girl behind her as if we're supposed to assume they know each other.What?
You fucking squirt vodka?Like, what?Hell yeah.Okay, what is your question?
Um, what is your post-sex snack or meal?My pro-snacks?
No, your post-sex snack or meal.Because I'm going to pander to the Doughboys and Gabrus and Nicole.
I'm going to pander to the Doughboys and assume they've fucked ever.Yeah. If you were to ever have sex, Mitch, what would you eat after?
Mitch, if you were to ever have sex... It's more so the opposite, where my stomach is grumbly, and I'll go sit on the couch away from the person.Oh, this is not romantic.
Wait, you'll fuck and you have to, like, shit afterwards?Is that what you're saying?
It's normal.It's normal.You shit after sex?
It's normal if you've been pegged.It's not normal otherwise.
Wait, Mitchie, have you not had your ass eaten, but you've been pegged?No, I've never been pegged.
Again, the knight is a puppy, Mitchell. I like to have high... I like to have high water snacks, like fruits and watermelons, something to rehydrate you.Fancy.Yeah.
Something that feels like a fucking Roman emperor would eat after they fucked a sleeve of fucking Spartans or whatever they did.Okay.
Weiger, what do you eat after sesh?
I like a little morning hookup sesh, so I'm gonna say a breakfast burrito.
That was... It wasn't even crude.
I just fucking gross.I just drink a lot of water because that keeps you alive.And I'm like, this might happen again.Okay.Hello, new friend.What's your name?Where are you from?
My name is Krista.It's my birth.
Oh, my god.Hey, Krista.Happy birthday, Krista.HBD.She's the most powerful person in here.An unstoppable force.She's a white woman.And it's her birthday.
Even very well behaved.She's going to walk into a gay bar and take it over.
Yes.And she's going to say, everyone has to pay attention to me.How you feeling?
My name is Julia, actually.I am, you know, just chilling in Chicago.
Is it your birthday?It's not my birthday. Get out of here.Get out of here.Get out of here.No.Get out of here.Get out of here.My friend in the stars.Hey, what's up? What's going on?White women be lying.White women?
She was like, I have the power and you don't.What's your name?
Southside, bitching.Yeah.
I'm feeling fucking fantastic.
Great.What is your question?And a little drunk.
Hey now.And that's part of my question is some white women like to say that.
You said little drunk and I said- Wait, did you just take the whisper of vodka from it?That's my friend.
That's my friend.I was like, she seems like she's gonna talk for five to six seconds.
Let me get a drink in the meantime.White women like to say that whiskey makes them frisky, but what's your thought juice?Does whiskey make me frisky?No, what's your thought juice?What makes you a hoe?What drink?Oh, life.
Truly, like, I don't even have to say hello to you to fuck you.I can, like, look at you and be like, my pussy's open.Like, I know, I will fuck anybody, anywhere, at any place.Bless you.That's, okay.Love you.Thank you.Hello, how are you?
Okay, what's your name?Kirsten.Where are you from?
Oh, don't.I'm just a little dumpster bitch, what's up?Love you, love your work.Thank you, what's up?
I'm also a Tinder veteran.Okay.So my question is, is there anything that makes you automatically swipe left?Because I'm from Indiana, and I automatically swipe left on... I know.No, I know, I know.Wow!
Wow.Indiana's fine, you guys.Jesus Christ.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.People aren't going to bat against Indiana.Uh-huh. But don't you live in Chicago?It's not like it's Milan.Like, you know, we're like, we all live somewhere. Sorry, continue.
You also said it gets worse, so what's that?
I automatically swipe left on guys who hold dead animals in their pictures, which is most guys.Most guys in Indiana.
Yeah.One, one, I probably gay dude snapping in the front row, really sold it on, sold it for me.I'm like, you know what, that is gross.
Yeah, I mean, are you asking if I would swipe left on that?
I'm asking if you have a thing that automatically swiped.
Uh, yeah.You know how you look at someone, and you're like, their lips are too juicy, and their eyes are like a little too lecherous, and like, if we hooked up, he'd be like, you're my Nubian princess.
Like, that's... If I get any of that feeling, I will swipe left.I will say, no, thank you.I know I'm exotic.You know?That's my thing. Thank you!Hi, hello, how are you?
Hello!Okay, we have very little time.Okay, I'll go really fast.Okay.My name is Max.Yes.I am from Evanston.Yes.But I live in Chicago now, so it's like, okay.Okay.I'm feeling really inspired because you've inspired me to do comedy.
I just started doing comedy.Hey!Wow.Good! And also a podcast.
A huge lucrative inspiration.
Truly, I cannot wait to make no money.Truly, I made no money for about a decade.So much fun.My question is, what is all of your favorite porn to watch?Oh, shit.Yeah.Good question.
This is crazy.Can I say that whoever doesn't get to ask questions, can they just say their names into the microphone?I think that would be nice, right? Look at how long the line is.
I'm going to try to get through as many people as possible.I can answer that question with something I'd like in more pornography, specifically.I'm dying for porn that starts with women in cute outfits.Oh, OK.
I've never had sex with a woman who walked in in a lime green bikini and see-through heels.Is it too much to ask for for a chick to have a fucking cardigan on and then have sex?
You need to, you need to go on like a woman owned or curated porn site.
Cause you'll get more of that.
That's what I heard.Women have told me go to female directors.
Cause you'll get like a story.I don't need a story.
Oh, I'm all about the story.
Wyger, what's your favorite porn?
It's gotta be PNV.I think like, What?PNV.PNV.That's what I said.I used to like, there was a time when I would be okay with girl on girl, but now I feel like I need to see a penis in a vagina.But I want a guy
There's too many guys with like wrestler bodies, you know what I mean?Where they're like, they like kind of like they have like a long, like greasy ponytail and they got like huge biceps and a huge gut.
And I'm just like, give me a guy who's in shape.Like, and I'm not trying to body shame anyone.
No, no, no.I'm going to say this again.You need to look at female curated porn.
Because it truly, it shows a man who looks good, who also looks like a dude in the world.Right. This is interesting to me that men are like, we want people who represent us.Which is what women have been saying for years.Wow.
You're asking a very specific couple of guys what kind of porn we want.
Well, you all have so many people who listen to your podcast.I'm sure they have the same opinions and like female curated porn is very, like I think is great because if you want a storyline, it's there.
If you want someone who looks like you, it's there.
Anything you truly want is there and I feel like Pornhub or whatever is just like this like abyss of like You know a lot of like fucking facials and a lot of real people who are related on these websites I never wanted to be like what's my brother taste like like is Weird is divorce so popular that it's fun to fuck step-siblings
According to my Pornhub landing page.
If that is your kink, no shame.What porn do you watch, Mitchy Mitch?
I'm not a huge porn guy.I know this is a weird thing to say.It's not weird.Don't do me.No one booed.
But I will say, just keeping on the subject, one of the first times I ever masturbated, I found a photo in my basement, and I masturbated to it, and I found out it was my grandma's sister.No. No.
Don't boo me.Let me finish my story.No.And then you can boo me.Fucking great auntie.
Who gives a shit?No.I won't shame you.You didn't know.Fuck, if she, if there was some youth potion, I'd fuck her in a second.Don't go on.Oh, I'm sorry.
Was she, was she like, was she naked or something?
Well, she was just looking good in some sort of 1950s outfit.I don't know.Jesus.
She was just looking good!You were like, oh, this photo of a woman unlabeled in my mom's basement.There's no way it's a relative.You jacked off to like a Polaroid of a woman in a house dress.
Don't leave the photos around, people.Lesson to all of you.Don't leave them around.Your mom's got a bleacher basement.
I was just looking through my mom's yearbook and found a woman with the same last name as me.It was the same first name.
The last name was, it was Corrine Donovan.It was weird.
You remember?Okay.This poor woman, she was like, I asked one question.I really, I'm into this man named Owen Gray right now.And I have several of his videos bookmarked.Wait, what's Owen Gray?What's his deal?
So Owen Gray is like, he's thin tattooed and he looks like dudes I fuck a lot.
But can I just say that it sounds like the C.W.Dorian Gray, by the way?
Sure.C.W.Dorian Gray is from Fifty Shades of Gray, you dumbass.
I mean, he's from other things first.He's from an Oscar Wilde novel.
Dorian Gray is Fifty Shades of Gray.
I don't want to wade into this bookmobile conversation you guys are having up here.
So what I have bookmarked is It's a oh wait, let me find it.
It's a he fucks a athletic, babe gets fucked hard by white dick I just like I like watching white dudes of black women and I think it's cuz I fuck a lot of white dudes I'll say I watch a lot of black on black fucking Do you say was a YouTube channel what is yeah, it's a YouTube I
He plays Minecraft and fucks black chicks. Thank you so much.Thank you, Max.All right, we got a, we got a crew.
Should they say their names now?Say your name.
Oh, yeah.My name is Amanda.All right, thank you.Where are you from?Originally, California, but I live in Chicago for four years now.How are you feeling?Great.What's your question?
My question is, what is the weirdest sex story that you all have?I went home with a bartender on St.Patrick's Day.And when he came, he kind of like spider climbed up me and jizzed in my face. It was pretty upsetting.
Wow.This isn't my weirdest, but I'll just tell one that's off that.One of the first times I had sex with my now wife, we were just college friends, and I pulled out, looked down, and came in my own eyes.
That's good.That's good as hell.
Sort of like, I think I pulled out, and I was like, I think I'm about to cum.And I looked, and I went, oh, yeah, yeah.
Definitely came and I would like to think that was the moment Tiffany went.I'm a married that man.I Hope he tells his story on a podcast I love this so much.
I got one okay one Thanksgiving.I got a little tipsy.I fucked my grandma's sister I
I've seen the picture, Nana.Thank you.Wyatt, do you have one real quick?I can't follow that.
Hi, Monica.Where are you from?
I'm from, well, Cleveland, Chicago.
What's that?Well, I actually have a personal selfish question.I just want to see one of the tattoos you designed yourself.I know this isn't a visual medium.
Me?Yeah, you.Well, I made these stars on a I made these stars on Microsoft Word.And then... Wait, you have clip art tattoos?This was also made on Microsoft Word.Wow.And then this was made on Microsoft Word.
You have clip art?Hey, if you're a fan of Why Won't You Date Me, send her a login to your Photoshop.
I have, uh, I think four or five tattoos I made on Microsoft Word.
Did anyone else design their own tattoos?Sorry, double question.
I did.This is a Google image of Long Island that me and my brothers traced and then tattooed onto our bodies.Is that your only one?This is my only tattoo, yes.Well, I don't have tattoos.
Yeah, we don't have tattoos.We're squares.
I have so many.I have, what, maybe 15?I don't know.Thank you so much.Hey, what's up?What's your name?Oh, two people.Wow.Say your names at the same time.
All right, 1, 2, 3.Brandon.
Chicago.1, 2, 3, Chicago.
He's got the best fan for you here.He's got your fan, and you collect fans.Wow.Thank you.
That's fucking awesome.Thank you so much.It's a Patrick Swayze.All Brandon.All Brandon.
It should keep your pancreas cool.We do have a question for all three.
Just a classic, like, fuck, marry, kill.Nicole, Weiger, Gabrus, and Mitch.Fuck, marry, kill.Oh, this is for me?Love you, motherfuckers.
That's a good, Nicole, fuck, marry, kill.
I've known you the longest!
No, I've known Gabrus the longest.When I was coming up in improv, I would see Gabrus on stage and I was like, oh boy, let's see what I could do.And then Tiffany was there and I said nothing.
The feeling is mutual.I'd watch you coming up going, oh girl, let me see what I can do.And then Tiffany would be like, what?And I'd be like, I love you.Yeah.
All right, Gabrus, fuck, marry, kill.
Oh, I'd fuck you, marry Mitch, and I'd kill Weiger.Wow.But to be fair, upon killing Weiger would be my biggest orgasm.
Weiger, fuck, marry, kill.I'm interested in Weiger's response.
I'd fuck Gabrus, marry you. I'd kill Mitch, but I know Mitch wants to die, so.
What would you do with, what would the Doorboys podcast be?
Mitch, fuck, marry, kill.
Yes.I'd fuck Weiger, I'd marry Weiger, and then I'd kill Weiger.
Perfect, thank you guys so much.Sort out the subtext of your entire podcast.Alright, let's try to get as many as possible.I don't know what time I have to end.Marissa, what time?
There's enough people in line to last a full hour.
Your name and your question.Hi, I'm Dixie, I'm from Detroit, and my question is... What's poppin'?I'm a loud person, and I know you guys are too.What is advice that you have for people who tell you, like, stop talking loud?
Like, I get so annoyed... Hang out with new people!
Yeah! Yes, we have made a career and made money on being so fucking annoying.I'm not even funny.I'm just loud Go-to phrase no, no, I truly I'm just like if you do you have a go-to phrase?Yeah, what do you say?
Do you guys know Tiffany from like, Blave Aflave?
Oh yeah, Tiffany Pollard?Can we give a queen her full recognition?Tiffany New York Pollard?I love her.
Um, well, I don't know if you guys remember the scene, but she goes like, oh, they're being a loud pack of idiot bitches, and I embrace that.I like being a loud pack of idiot bitches.
You like being a loud pack of idiot bitches, okay.
I often say sorry I'm being too loud, and people are like, you're not.I'm like, well then, you just cosigned the most obnoxious conversation you've ever had.
I never say sorry, I just read about how they hate me on your podcast on Reddit. Um... I won't let it go.There's a whole thread about how they were scared for you.
And I was like... It's really funny to get into my head and be like, Gabriel seemed weird about Nicole.I'm like, you underestimate my friendship with Nicole.
Thank you so much.I love you guys.
Thank you.Hi, hi, hi.What's your name?Hi, I'm Anika.What's your question?Oh, I'm from a small town, Wisconsin, not Appleton.Fuck Appleton.Fuck Appleton.
Fuck Appleton.Why are you getting on board with that?Wiger has fucked an apple before, for those who don't know.He's fucked a ton of apples.Yes.
So many apples.All right.So my question is, I'm actually kind of mad because you talked about it already, but who of you have pegged and been pegged?
How did you point to me?No!
I was just like doing a whole like... I've never been pegged.
I've got nothing against it.It doesn't seem... It's not on my bucket list.I'm not like dying to be pegged.
I'd be down for it if my partner was like... was... Natalie.Yeah, if Natalie was down for it.Natalie was like, hey, I want to do it.
I should say if Tiffany was like a thing that would make me... I would let her peg me.Yeah, of course.She lets me put on a Wonder Woman outfit, so I should let her peg me.
Hold on a second.Oh wait, is this weird to ask?Have you been pegged?
Or have you pegged someone?Or have you pegged someone?Which is the more traditional question.
Thank you gamers. God bless you.God bless you on your journey.
Is pegging new?Did you say God bless you?
I said God bless you on your journey.
God bless you.No, pegging's not new.Pegging's not new?
Where is it coming from?I'm hearing so much pegging tonight.I think the term is new-ish.
No!The term is within the past 20 years.
You say pegging, I think Pirates of the Caribbean.I don't think fucking butts.
Yes, I want Captain Jack Sparrow to put his leg in my asshole.
I have not pegged anybody, but I was with someone on and off for a while.We were like, making plans to do it, and then it was off, and then it stayed off.So I never got a chance to peg.OK, you got to do it.Thank you.
I mean, we'll do it together.
Anika coming in hot with the pitch. All right.
I've decided I'm going to watch the meet and greet later.
Yeah, I might actually go to my first ever meet and greet.
Thank you so much.All right.Hi, hi, hi.Oh my god.
I am so glad you guys saw that.You had the best seat in the house for that.
I truly didn't mean to laugh.You were fine.No, no, no.I'm all good.But that was very funny.I love to see support from the woman behind you in line.
Truly, yes.Tap you on the shoulder and was like.
Black women are here to save America and. You're no different Podcasting is an audio fucking medium if you're listening this woman.
She's very kind She stepped on the base of the microphone and the microphone hit her in the fucking face It was very funny, and I really thank you are your teeth still there.I think so.What's your name?
My name is Katie.I'm from Chicago.Yeah Yeah, baby, what's your question?So my question is I'm getting married in September and wow that's more of a brag I'm sorry Yes to answer your question Weiger will jump out of your cake at your bachelor.
Thank you, that was my second question.No, so my fiancée and I were writing our vows.I was listening to a Nailed It episode and got some inspiration.I'm sorry, a Why Won't You Date Me episode and got some inspiration.
So how can I convince my fiancée to say, you're the love of my life and your titties are nice, will you be my wife?In front of all of our family, all of our friends, everybody.He won't do it.
I'm a silly bitch, and I feel like whoever's with me would be like, I'm with this silly bitch.She wants me to do X, Y, and Z. Get your fucking fiancé up here, because I want to say... Yeah, is he here?
Come on, damn!Oh, if there's a God above, he'll put his teeth right into the microphone.
Who says I won't?All right, all right.
Are you Christopher Walken Jr.?No, I want to surprise him.
Who says I won't?Okay, so then you can't say that.You gotta say something wilder. Because that's already the ground layer.You gotta fuckin' yes and it.
Yeah, from where I'm sitting, your fiancé seems to have beautiful tits.Yeah, she got rockin' titties.Just do yourself a favor and bring it up at the ceremony.Just don't say the N-word. 10 steps ahead of you.
Nicole, I didn't know how it came up at my wedding, and I'm sorry.I should have removed the N-word from my vows.I agree.Gabrus, it really upset me.
But you just keep bringing it up.
Can I just say, can I quickly say that while your fiancee hit her teeth, it gave Gabrus a spare few seconds to try to shake out more booze from a completely empty bottle.That bottle is so dry.
She's laying in the bed in Palmerston.That's where Mitch lives.
My advice is you gotta say something wilder.If you do say something wilder, please have it recorded and send it to me. Thank you so much.
Congratulations.You were so nice to her.
You were so kind.What is your name?
Nadia.OK, where are you from?
The South Side of Chicago.
How are you feeling?I'm feeling fucking fantastic.
Nadia, what's going on?Okay, first of all, you're gorgeous.I love you.You're amazing.Thank you.So the girl who was worried about being loud, don't give a fuck.People always gonna have something to say.Yes, bitch.
Yes, Nadia.Nadia's about to save this audience.Nadia, what else you gonna preach? Yes, Nadia!We are in charge!Yes, Nadia!Nadia's got me walking again!Gabrus was black in another life.What's up, Nadia?
Yes!I am constantly asking white men if they're done.What's up, Nadia?Nadia, get on stage!No, no, no, there's no way for you to do it.
It's truly impossible.Don't do that, Nadia.It was so hard for men.
I know my limits, Sid.That's a no.I know my limits.What's up, Nadia?Okay, so my question is, as a big girl, as a big woman, what is your weirdest sex position you ever had and would never do it again?
Oh, honestly, I know what I love.I love doggy style. I don't like the one where you lie on your side, and then someone's trying to hold your leg up and then also enter you.I'm like, what are we doing, fucking yoga?Leave me the fuck alone.
Penetrate me and come.I feel like that's the wildest one.But also, people know what they're getting into.I've never had anyone be like, let me push you against a wall and really hold your weight.
I've had a guy try to, and he almost succeeded, have me upside down.Wow.
I believe, I believe Nadia's definitely... I've never been happier than to see you pretend to go upside down.
And so well, no, you weren't gonna do and just go... I think she was demonstrating the pile driver.
I mean, that's too much.Like, what are you trying to do?Was this like the first time you had sex with this dude?
Yeah, and I'm like, that's a little lie for the first time.He was like, but I got you.I was like, no, you don't.
Which is like, so funny to be like, trying- Trust me, you don't.Yeah, like trying to have sex and be like, we're having a full ass argument.Like, what are you trying to prove?Go to the gym and lift weights.I'm a bitch, fuck my pussy.You know?
And I'm standing there half naked like, so, I can go. Because at this, like, we, you know, we... We're supposed to be naked!We was in the midst... We was in the midst of being naked.They were still doing foreplay.Leave her alone.
She'll be naked later.I had a drink in my hand.You had a drink in your hand?And he was trying to demonstrate.Were you still at the bar?No, we was at his place.Oh, okay.
I'm sorry, I can't go upside down until this drink is finished.Unless you have a sippy cup lid, then go nuts.
Okay. You guys?Yes.I've never been upside down.
Yeah, I've returned Tiffany upside down.I mean, it's dangerous for me to even be on top, you know?Like, when I'm on top, I can see my wife going, like, checking the structural integrity of the bed, the house we live in.
I can't even visualize what Nadia is describing.That's how much of a square I am.
I got bad news.I've been visualizing it way too much.
We have four more questions.Hi, hi, hi.Hi, this is so exciting.My name is Michael.Hello.My question is for only Nicole.
That's fine.We won't talk.Thank you.We're going to stay silent.
I didn't know how many white people would be here, but now this feels like a serious question.Nicole, have you ever heard about Race Slave Plan?What's your thoughts about it?
Um... I mean... No, Gabrus and I are gonna handle this one.Nadia, Nadia, control him.I've never, like... talk to anyone who's done racial slave play.
I think it's a little insane, but I'm not going to knock somebody's kink.If someone would like to hear, get back in the back house and fuck it.I mean, if that's what gets you off, that's what gets you off.I think it's wild.
Cause my husband's a writer from Wisconsin.I own him.Like, I don't know.
I love it.Wait, I still don't understand why you don't want my opinion.
Are you done?Are you done?
I just, I think it's like, um, I don't know.If that's your kink, that's your kink.But for me, that's like not my whole jam.I don't, I do like, but that's not saying like, I like to be tied up.Tie me up.
Right, but like not as like a... But I always say there's a right way and a wrong way and a dead way.
500 pounds and then come back in here, like.
Like, not like 500 pounds.It's like, you don't want to lip you on the ongo with this.
500 pounds?What are you talking about?12 Years a Slave?Oh, I watched that one time and I said, that's not my lexicon.I don't know.Whenever there's a slave movie getting nominated for an Oscar, I'm like, we can do more.
Nicole was like, 500 pounds?Who told?No. Not yet.No, that's my goal.
But I think it's kind of wild.That's my answer.And then Gabrus loves it.Weiger doesn't like it.And Mitch is like, curious?
I'm going to do some Googling when we're done, that's for sure.Thank you, Michael.Thank you, Nicole.Other people?What's going?Hey.He's leaving. He left the building.I just want to say.What a power move.He really did.He left.What a power move.
He truly left the building.
He left the building.Hey, he rules.
Hi, hi, hi.I just want to say.Shut up.What's your name?Hi, I'm Kira.Kira?
okay where are you from i'm from the north side of chicago the north side with the white lesbians oh i know my whole family wow my whole family lives on the south side and i was convinced there was no white people in chicago for like 20 years there's like 12
Well, then I went to the north side and I was like it's a whole new world So what is your question?
So I'm wondering if you could build your perfect dating app, what would it look like?They would not exist someone would love me
I mean I think realistically it would just be a marketplace of men who are like I'm an ally I Accept women I'm a feminist, but I don't have to say I'm a feminist People I'll eat you out I'll ask you questions during sex.
I got a big old honking dick Mitch wouldn't be on it.I'm kidding I Mitch spent the whole power hour being like, I don't have a dick.It's true, what?
Someone had to spell out the Nicole questionnaire before they even get approved.
I just really want just nice, kind people.
That's it.I got an answer.It'd be one pick and one pick only, my great auntie.
Oh my god.She said, oh my god.Is your grandma still alive?Is she listening to this podcast?
No, she's long dead. It should be one picture, like, customs, like a passport photo.You get one picture, you don't get 12 poses in different cliffs.Different cliffs?Like, everyone's dating apps is like, oh, here's me photoshopped lifting weights.
It's like, I want a fucking white background, insane close-up sweaty photo.
That's a white people shit.Black people don't take pictures on cliffs.Yeah, you mean black people.
I don't know.Thank you so much.Okay, we have two more.What is your question?
Sorry.Hi, I'm CJ.I'm a refugee from South Carolina.That's a weird boat ride.
Mostly rivers and lakes.Stick to the ones you're used to.
All right, CJ, what do you want to say?
So I just became a flight attendant and I'm just curious, what do you think the most sexual city is?
The most sexual city?I don't know. Fuck you.
The coasts?I feel like the coasts are more sexual.Or cities.I think major cities.I don't know, you guys.
I got an answer.Chicago, Illinois.
There you go.Thank you, CJ.My last question is a white woman.
Alright, what is your name?Hi, my name's Heather.I'm from the trash city of St.Louis.Yep, Heather.
That was literally everyone's second guess.
Heather Nicole, the whitest names ever.But is there a pop culture moment that has defined the people that you fuck?
Because for me it would be, I've got two.I graduated high school in 2008 so I love dirty metal dudes.And my mom made me watch Blazing Saddles a lot so Cleavon Little was like a whole sexual awakening for me.
A black cowboy, or as they should be called in history, cowboys.Yeah, just cowboys.
Which is I Hate Cowboy Hats by Cleavon Little.Let's do it.Let's see.
I have an answer.I have an answer.Yeah.I went to high school in the late 90s.So if you have short hair, if you have like a drastic haircut as a woman, I'm on board.If you're trying something new that only like Polish women have pulled off previously,
Your boy is signed up, can't wait to see you on makeoutclub.net.
The first time I saw Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, I was like, I was like, Trini the Yellow Ranger.Oh, OK, I'm set.Like, that's what I'm looking for.
And you ended up marrying an Asian woman who knows martial arts.
I was really into Hilda and Zelda on Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I wore that shit out like it was a porno, I swear to God.
Are those the cat's names on Sabrina and Jay-Z?
No, it's an aunt, and he loves fucking beating it to an aunt.Huh?I'd like to beat it to an aunt?No, to an aunt, your mom's sister.It was a callback.Oh my God, you're right.It was a great fucking callback.
You like beating it off to Adnan from Cereal.
I guess I like fucking nerds.I don't know.My sister watched a lot of Pokemon, so when a dude's like, I like Pokemon, I'm like, do you?Because I know a lot about them.
Because you got yourself a Squirtle right here.
If they're playing Pokemon Go, you're letting them fuck.You have a Squirtle all over your face.
I love Jigglypuff, and I've really been trying to.Hold on a second.
Really make people let me be Jigglypuff in a movie?
Jigglypuff!That should happen.That's insane.I know.But like, also, Jigglypuff, if Jigglypuff could talk, she would probably be able to actually sing.Because that's her whole thing.Or their whole thing.I don't want to gender Jigglypuff.Sure.
But like, their whole thing is like, they sing and people go to sleep.But I was like, I can't really sing.But like, I just want to be Jigglypuff.You know what I'm saying?But also, like, I want to be Charmander.Charmander is also adorable.
I love Charmander. But then I'm like, Mewtwo dem thighs.If Mewtwo didn't have a tail, dead ass, you know?
While we're talking about hot cartoons, I've been cranking it to the hormone monster from Big Mouth for the last couple years.
Whoa, there was too much of a recognition applause.
I thought I was saying something alienating.I didn't realize how many people would be on board.
We're a room full of freaks.Thank you so much, Heather.We got to wrap it up.I think I'm getting a light.I don't know.
But if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, if you send me something nasty, I'll read it.This is from a person who I think changed their name, so I wouldn't say it out loud.
But it said, if we ever get it on, I'm going to lick that pussy and drink that juice like you the Kool-Aid jammer jug.Never mind.I don't know where I was going with that.I'm too high for this.Have a good life.
Respond.Let's see if I can find another one.Well, there was one that was so nasty.It was about putting me upside down and filling me with clam chowder.Jesus.That was, like, really upsetting.
Why is everyone going upside down?
What the fuck's going on?You gotta get these girls home and you gotta get them upside down.
Okay, this person said, uh, okay, here's my dirty stuff.I would love to do it with you.Damn right.I'd start by eating that pussy.Yum, yum, yum.Followed by a good hard fuck missionary.Uh,
Followed by a deep hard doggy Can always mix it up with your other preferred positions Would love to finish by coming right in your pussy and then having a 69 with you on top so I could clean that pussy up Now that's an ally
As you suck my cock clean.Dinner before or after, depending on your preference.Uh, before.Yeah.This isn't done.Safe sex is always recommended, but this is a fantasy, LOL.So if you send me shit like that... I laugh very hard and I'll read out loud.
Honestly, guys, thank you so much for coming out. Give it up again for John Gabrus, Nick Weiger, and Mike Mitchell.And Nicole Bollinger!This has been Why Won't You Date Me?Thank you so much, Chicago!
That was a HeadGum podcast.
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