This episode is sponsored in part by Klarna.Well, Halloween is over and you know what that means.It's time to gorge yourself on candy and start searching for that perfect gift to give those you care about or yourself.
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Klarna balance account required.Klarna may get a commission.Limitations, terms, and conditions do apply. This episode is sponsored in part by Live Nation.Alright, you're a fan of the commercial break, so I know you're a fan of comedy.
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Dead to the world. And it's only Tuesday.
On this episode of the Commercial Break.
Every time I start these episodes, I feel like I have to apologize because I'm bringing you a Best Of.But you know what?As a woman of the world, I'm just not doing it anymore.And I'll probably bring that up in therapy.
Anyway, unfortunately, Brian is out of commission post-throat surgery.So he said, Christina, it's time for you to shine, my darling.It's time for you to do your job.And to that, I say, sir, yes, sir.
So here we are on a Tuesday, no less, with another Best Of episode. Now, however you feel about best ofs, I know you're gonna enjoy this one, because these episodes are funny regardless of how many times you've heard them.And I would know.
Since Brian has just had surgery, I thought to myself, what is topical, hard-hitting, informative news that I can give to this serious, cool, and collected audience?And the answer came to me.Another time when Brian had surgery.I know, I know.
I am a genius. So, I'm taking you back to the time when Brian got a vasectomy.I mean, it's a procedure.And we're starting off with his emotional and physical preparation for said procedure.Enjoy and you're welcome.
The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now.
If I have the world's biggest yacht, you know what I'm putting in there?I'm putting in a manscaping room where I have a team of people that are just there to trim up my shenanigans.And then I'm also having a butthole tanner.
I'm just putting a butthole tanner.I'm having someone hold the black light to my bumhole all the time.And then I have a third room for bleaching my butthole.Because, you know, why not?
If you have billions of dollars, why wouldn't you bleach your butthole? Right?
I don't want to bleach buttholes.
That was a thing for a while.Everybody was bleaching their buttholes, getting vaginal reconstructive surgery.I always thought that was ridiculous.Why would you bleach your butthole?Why do you even care?Listen, let me get a little newsflash.
I don't know how it went from Jeff Bezos to buttholes, but Let me just share what my opinion is on this.
If you have someone that's going back there in that direction, if they're willing to put their mouth or their vagina or their penis or whatever it is you're into back there behind, they don't care what color your butthole is.
They've already understood in their brains, I'm going back there to do the dirty deed and I don't care.I'm just getting back there.You know what I'm saying?So having a bleached butthole, it's not gonna make any much of a difference.I don't think so.
And I've seen some before and after pictures, and I'm telling you what, an asshole is an asshole.It doesn't really matter if it's brown or if it's white.It's an asshole.It looks like where poop comes from.That's it.
That's the only thing you got to know.
But if I have the world's... How does it even... Hold on, I'm going back to the bleach butthole.How does it even happen?Is there just a paste that you maybe put on it?Or is there a ring?I don't know, but pretty soon... How long does it take?
Are you putting hydrogen peroxide back there?Are you bleaching the hair back there?Are you bleaching the actual asshole?No, it's like a clean ass.I don't know what they put on there, but we might find out pretty soon.
We might have to take a second job bleaching assholes here from the studio.We'll make TikTok videos out of it.I still, I got this person on my Instagram.I do not follow, but she keeps on popping up.She is a
wax specialist for down there, like a, like a, you know, a French bikini or.Yeah.
I think I have the same person popping up in mine.
And all you see is like, she'll put like a little cucumber, like a tiny little cucumber over the vulva, but the rest of the vagina is, is clearly there.
She's getting around the Instagram filter very, very slyly, but she's basically showing the vaginas of the before and after what these people do and, and the butt too.And I'm like, wow. Is that, that's a lot of work going on down there.
That's a lot of work going on down there.And it seems like it's all just painful.Like, when you get a bikini wax, is that painful?Ugh.
They're ripping, literally ripping hair out of the roots of your skin follicle.
And why not shave?Because it doesn't last as long?Is that right?
Different people do it for different reasons, but yes, it doesn't last as long.But I'm a shave fan.
I'm a shave fan too.Yeah, you aren't going to catch me fucking... I've done a lot of it.Putting wax on my pee pee.This pee pee is a prize right here.Anybody that gets that is going to come with a little extra hair.You know what I'm saying?
I was going to go get my tubes tied. a couple weeks ago, but I didn't because of the ever-ongoing flu and cold situation here at the house.No one's ever healthy 100% of the time.
So I called and of course I had to say, hey, listen, I got to move my vasectomy because I'm sick and I don't want to get everybody at the office sick.But as a part of the prep of that, I have to shave myself.Yeah, you do.Jeff had it done.
Oh, yeah, that's right.He did.A couple of days or weeks was what the guy said to me.He said, listen, start shaving maybe a couple weeks beforehand.
I don't know if he was talking, because on the paper it says shave a couple of days ahead of time, but I think he was trying to tell me something.Just get in the habit, is that what he was saying?I'm pretty sure that my urologist is a gay man.
And so I think he was trying to tell me something like, Hey, you really got to do some trimming up down there.I'm an expert at this and you just got to get some of that stuff out of the way.You might want to start shaving now.
It might take you that long to start shaving.So let's get you ahead of the curve and let's do that.So I was like, Oh, okay.Chrissy, I'm telling you what, first of all, it's very hard to shave a pair of balls.It's not an easy thing to do.
And second of all, it's an unfamiliar feeling because, you know, shaving your balls is like not something you do on a regular basis. So I was talking to Astrid, and she's like, well, you'll get it waxed.And I'm like, wax my balls?
I'm not going to wax my fucking balls.Are you kidding me?I'm such a baby.I could never do that.It's not like one of my kids after I asked him to clean up.
I don't want to shave my balls!I don't want to wax them, no!
There's things that you can use.
You should talk to Jeff.Oh, okay.Did Jeff put some chemicals down there or something?No.
You should talk to Jeff about how to approach this.
He may have dipped his balls in some kind of solution that dissolves the hair.
Well, there are those, but that burns.
So I didn't get the vasectomy.So now I've got this whole stubble situation going on down there that's not very comfortable.You've got to exfoliate.It's making me exfoliate.You do.You've got to scrub it.My balls?Yeah.Really?
You're going to have to scrub around. I was talking to Astrid and she was like, uh, I have this exfoliating cream that I got from this for my face.I don't know what it means for my balls.
I'd have never seen a ball exfoliator, but I did do one time get that like hair care, like ball hair for men thing where you put like the powder and the right.Yeah.Okay.
I was telling Astrid, I'm like, I got this whole stubble situation going on down here.But then she started fixating on the exfoliation cream that I have.And she was saying, how many times a week do you do that?I said, a week?
I do it like once every other month.And she's like, you exfoliate once every other month?And I said, yeah.She's supposed to like, this is the special stuff you put on every once in a month.She's like, you should do that once every other day.
And I'm like, every other day, this $40 bottle of cream you want me to put on my face, every other day, skincare is a whole fucking thing.And now that I'm getting into it, I got a whole routine at night.It takes me like an extra half an hour.
I'm already spending two hours in the shower.Now I have a half an hour out of the shower too.
Where's the sound effect?
How much time do you think you spend?Oh yeah, the chimes sound effect. The thing is, I've got so many sound effects in here, I have to scroll for pages and pages before I find them.
Exfoliate your balls.Welcome to the world of skincare.
Just putting lotion on your face doesn't work anymore.
Brian, welcome to nutfoliation.
We're going to nutfoliate right now.Get out some of that cream.Put it on a plate.Scrub your balls all around. I don't know how I would exfoliate my bald, but maybe I need to do that.How long do you spend on your skincare?
Oh, you could do it with like a loofah.
I could loofah up and down there.
Scrub around.The loofah and the hair, I probably won't be able to find my penis between the loofah and the hair.That's okay.How much time do you spend on your skincare routine on a daily basis, do you think?
Oh, I mean, not a ton of time.I've got my go to creams, lotions and potions that I use in the morning and at night.So, you know, I don't know, 10 minutes in the morning, 10 minutes at night.
How is it that every every woman I know takes an hour and a half less than I do in the bathroom at night.
Because I've been doing this for a long time.
Yeah, that's true.That's true.Let me show you this picture of Bezos before we go, because I think it's... Oh, is that him?Well, just look at Bezos. Just look at him.Just look at him.This is his mom and dad, I think, but look at him.
Look how young that guy looks.
Yeah, he's got a life of leisure.
Is he in his 60s?He's got to be in his 60s, right?50s or 60s, I don't know.Oh God, if he's 50, we're fucked.We tried way too late to get rich. We needed to start back in our 20s like Jeff Bezos.We started way too late.We did.
We were working for Clear Channel.Everybody else before us seemed rich.
Yeah, everybody was getting rich ahead of us.
Payouts, make goods, taking orders, doing lines.
Margarita machines, yeah.We got there and all the fun stuff.
Welcome to hell. We paved the way for you.Welcome to hell.
You will get none of our old accounts.None!None of the ones that are actually billing and making money.No.Go find new business.
I tell you what, it's your job to do all the cold calling.All the people who call and give you orders, fax them in and send them by email.
We're all in charge. But you're 70 and you're a millionaire because of the heyday radio games.I'm working till I die.Why?Because I spent all the other money on cocaine.I got to keep taking fax machine orders.But do you really?Yes, I do.
Bet you didn't think you were gonna hear about exfoliating your balls on this Tuesday morning, but that's my job, folks.Never let them know your next move.Anyway, now we're moving on to a few weeks later when Brian finally did swipe his V-card.
We're gonna take a quick break and then we'll get back to Brian's balls. My darlings, my angels, my sweet little cherubs, it's that time again where I try to convince you to follow us on Instagram at thecommercialbreak and on TikTok at tcvpodcast.
We really don't post that much, so it's no skin off your nose.If you'd like to get in touch with us directly, you can text us or call us and leave us a voicemail at 212 433-3TCB.
You know we are just sitting by the phone waiting with bated breath for you to call, so please leave us an AskTCB and we'll give you some mildly concerning advice.Peace and blessings!
This episode is sponsored by Squarespace.Okay, the year is early 2000 and something, and I got my first real office job at a company that was selling websites and search engine optimization.
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I'm Jenna Fisher.And I'm Angela Kinsey.We are best friends.And together, we have the podcast Office Ladies, where we rewatched every single episode of The Office with insane behind the scenes stories, hilarious guests, and lots of laughs.
Guess who's sitting next to me?Steve! Every Wednesday, we'll be sharing even more exclusive stories from The Office and our friendship with brand new guests.And we'll be digging into our mailbag to answer your questions and comments.
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Speaking of little bitch, I guess we're not having any more little bitches because I did it.I went and got the big V. My V day was last week and I went and got those little tubes tied, my twigs and berries.They're still in contact.
Meaning they're still relatively close to each other, but I gotta tell you, I didn't know what to expect.I know Jeff had had this, and Jeff's very sweet, by the way.He's like the guy who contacted me the most.
I know, I told him about it, and then he was like, I'll be the lifeline.I'll be his brother in arms.
It was really, really sweet.Brother in balls.The brother in nuts.Our DD canters are forever tied together. Yeah, so I went and got a vasectomy, and it's been long planned, and I put it off a couple of times, but I finally got around to it.
And I'll tell you what, I don't know what I expected to expect, but I think the whole process was a little surreal and very strange. So the guy tells me when I first go in to see him, I go in to see him for a checkup, right?
A prostate checkup, because, you know, I'm a guy of a certain age and you got to check those things out.And I have a history of prostate cancer in my family.So I go and I see him.
And then as just like a throwaway line, you know, just kind of make friends with the guy.By the way, the guy, not that this matters, but it'll become funny later.It doesn't matter to me that he's gay, but he's gay, right?Okay.He's got a partner.
He told me this while we were having a conversation while he was holding my balls.
So, um, while he's holding my balls as just kind of like a throwaway line to make small talk, you know, while someone's checking on you, nervous chatter, cold hands, the whole nine yards.
Uh, and by the way, I got, uh, my doctor goes in, he raw dogs it.No, uh, no plastic gloves.He washes up and then he just goes for it.And he says, I, you know, I feel better with my, without the gloves.And I said, Hey, listen, you know,
You're the professional.I trust you.You do you.At least you wash your hands.Most people who have touched my balls did not wash their hands beforehand.So I do appreciate that.So I say, well, what about a vasectomy, Doc?
And he says, oh, you want to get a vasectomy?I've done a couple thousand of those, you know, in my career here.I know how to do that.We can do that.15-minute procedure. I said, 15 minutes.He goes, 15 minute procedure.
He goes, the procedure's 15 minutes.You might be there for an hour.He says, listen, I do this thing, I give you something called Pronox.It's something some people have, some people don't, but I give you Pronox.
He's ever had laughing gas at the doctor, at the dentist?Oh yeah, I don't go to the dentist unless I get laughing gas.It's the way they get me in the front door.They say, hey, you want to get high for a couple hours?Sure, no problem, I'll go.
So I said, oh really?And he goes, yeah, but the difference is, at the dentist, you get that little nose thing.Well, the gas is leaking out all over the place.You don't really get deep breaths.You know, sometimes your nose is stuffy.
Like he goes, and they only turn it on a certain amount.He's like, they don't give you the good stuff.They just kind of give you some stuff to relax you, right?He's like, here, the Pronox is a revolutionary way of doing nitrous oxide.
Well, I don't think anything's revolutionary about nitrous oxide.Hippies have been doing it since the sixties.I mean, I don't think there's anything really revolutionary.But what he says is that I get to hold
this tube that i put in my mouth and i suck as i feel it necessary oh okay it's got a little bite on it so you can bite down and i guess basically the thought is if you should lose consciousness during the procedure the thing will fall out of your mouth right yeah so you won't be in any kind of danger because i do know when i've been to the dentist
I've said, Hey, I don't think this is working because I don't feel like it.Maybe it's just my constitution from years of narcotic abuse, but I'm like, I'm not really feeling it.And my dad, yeah, exactly.
And my dad, my dentist always says, she says, listen, if I turn it up and I'm happy to, if you want me to, you're paying the bill.If I turn it up.
I have to have someone stand here with you because I guess that, you know, I guess you can get too much nitrous oxide.
Like that one time my friend did Freon and landed in a TV, but which is like nitrous oxide just deprives your brain of oxygen essentially.So I say, Oh, okay, great.You know, he goes, listen, it's a, it's great.You control it.
And that way we don't have to worry and all this other stuff.I said, okay, sign me up for the pro.Let's do it.Whatever.A hundred bucks, a hundred bucks.I said, that's like two years of commercial break episodes, but I'm going to go for it.
So big day shows up and he says, Oh, and the good news is you can drive like I don't have to give you any kind of like, you know, Xanax or anything like that to settle you down.I just have this prognosis.Okay, great.
So day arrives, I show up at the little surgical center. I'm there and as I'm walking down this like really long nondescript hallway, there is a lady, an older lady, pushing a man, an even older man, in a wheelchair.Chrissy, I'm guessing 90.
That's my guess.And she's pushing him in a wheelchair, but she's like looking around and swerving him all around.I'm walking down this hallway. And I say, oh, are you looking for the urologist?
And she says, yeah, I don't, I can't see that, it's on the door or whatever.
And I said, oh yeah, I'm looking for the same thing.Let me see, if I find it, I'll let you know.So I turn a couple of corners and I find it.And so I run back to the hallway, I said, hey, right down here, you know?
And then I go and I help give this guy a push into the office.That's nice of you.
And of course, you know, last good deed before, last good deed is I'm sealing up my, sealing up my penis from additional pain and suffering of children, which is not my pain and suffering, by the way, it's Aster's.
I just have to deal with giving the toys away. So I push him in there, I roll him in there, 90, 90, right?He is in bad shape.I mean, his hair's all over the place.He looks like a 90 year old man is what he looks like.
A typical 90 year old man in a wheelchair, slippers, pajama pants.You know what I'm saying?The whole nine yards.
So she goes in, she's checking this guy in, and you know, he, the small waiting room and we all sit down and we're writing down the papers and she says, do you think I have enough time to go park the car?
And she says this to the old man and he's like, oh, I gotta go park the car.Huh?I gotta go park the car.
All right.And then she says to the lady, do I have enough time to go park the car? And the lady goes, yeah, he's getting a vasectomy, so you really don't need to be here in this office.You can go and we'll push him back and all that other stuff.
And I'm thinking to myself, this motherfucker's getting a vasectomy?For what fucking reason would this 90-year-old need a vasectomy?He can't even put his slippers all the way on.He's gonna be fucking some people and making babies?
What is the point?Well, wasn't it Charlie Chaplin?
Charlie Chaplin.Way late, yeah. I just thought to myself, this poor bastard, he's 90 and someone's telling him he needs a vasectomy.
He's either had a life that you cannot forget, like that kind of life you want to sit down and talk to him about, which I'm not sure he could communicate to you, or he's causing problems at the retirement home.
He's running around chasing the nurses, you know what I'm saying? So I'm like, well, I guess I'm in good hands here.We got, we got a bunch of, there's a couple other guys too that are like my age.And I can only imagine they're there.
We're at the surgical center, but not the surgery, not like a surgery room, a surgical center.So this is, you're not getting your prostate taken out here.You're, you're getting your balls clipped.
So they call my name, I go back there, and it's all female nurses that are running around here, and the lady comes in, she says, whatever.
Did you do your exfoliation?
Oh, Chrissy, I gotta tell you, all the prep work.Because there's a whole process.I did all the prep work.Yes, I did.I had done prep work a couple times now, because I pushed it off a couple times.So my balls were already pretty clear.
They were in good shape, but I did need to do a freshen up on the razor. So I take the same razor that I use for my face, now I'm using it for my balls.You know, it all makes much sense to me.
I'm like, I thought to myself, I should probably change the razor, and I just shave my balls with it.But I shave my balls, which is a very precarious task, I might add.
You have to do it carefully.
Yeah, your balls, it's like shaving Saran Wrap.Imagine you're shaving Saran Wrap.Saran Wrap.Saran Wrap.Hi, I'm Brian Green. Uh, so she comes in, she takes my blood pressure.She says, okay, now I'm going to, I'm going to listen closely.
Cause I'm gonna give you instructions before you get the products.I'm going to give you instructions.You can't get up out of bed.Try to stay in bed for at least two.If you can do three, do three days.
Can't lift anything over 10 pounds, which there's nothing in this house that doesn't weigh at least 10 pounds.And I'm like, okay.She's like, you can't lift over 10 pounds.
If you can keep that for seven to 10 days, she goes, you're going to have some discomfort afterwards.That's why we gave you some medicine.They gave, you know, they dole out the pain medicine now, like it's
I don't know, like, it's the last chocolate on earth.They're like, here's one tablet.Good luck, sir.And, you know, ice is your best friend.Ice on and off, ice on and off.
Every 20 minutes on, every 20 minutes off, do that as often as you can, because that will really help the discomfort and the swelling.And I'm like, the swelling?I'm going to have swelling?
And she's like, yeah, it's possible you're going to have swelling.He's going to go in there, he's going to cut around, like, there's going to be some swelling.Okay, fine, no problem. She takes my blood pressure.It's through the fucking roof.
Of course, I'm sitting there with my huge Starbucks cup of coffee, my, my baba.I'm sitting there with my baba.Baba pee pee poo poo.I cannot go anywhere without a glass of water.I take water everywhere too.
I do too, and I just look behind me and I left my water outside.I know, doesn't that suck?Doesn't that suck when we're in the middle of an episode and you're thirsty and you're like, fuck, I can't do this.I don't want to stop the whole episode.
That's just a big pain in the ass. I'm drinking this coffee.She's like, wow, your blood pressure's pretty, it's not like super high, but it's elevated.So let me go talk to the doctor.And I'm like, no, no, no, no, don't talk.
I don't, I don't want to do this a second time.Please just, just do this.Just do it.Yeah.Just get this over with.Like I had this coffee.I'm a little bit nervous.I'm getting my balls chopped.I don't know what to expect.
And she says, okay, well, let's take it.I'm going to give you five minutes.Let's take it a second time.Second to second time.It's a little bit lower.Okay. So they bring me into this room.
She brings me into the room and she says, okay, Mr. Green, it's like a little surgical room, right?And there's a table.But Chrissy, that table is the size of this table.It's not a full bed.It's a half table.
It's a table for either small people or small children.It's not a table for adults.If I lay with my head at the end of it, my ass is hanging off the bottom of it.You know what I'm saying?So she's like,
She's like, okay, I need you to disrobe everything from the waist down.If you want to leave your socks on, leave your socks on.Of course, I'm gonna leave my socks on.What kind of animal do you think I am?
I'm gonna walk around a surgery center with my bare feet?Come on, man.First of all, second of all, I couldn't be in a more compromising position.Who the fuck cares if I'm wearing socks? I don't give a shit.Your feet will be warm.That's right.
I want my toes to be warm.So I get everything off and I'm in my t-shirt and in these things and they give you this paper thin piece of paper to put over you, right?Oh, yeah.
Yeah.So I put it over me and I'm just like uncomfortably trying to sit on this thing, trying to relax a little bit, but I can't.And I'm in one of those, I'm in one of those like weird quizzical, what is the right thing to do here?
I really want to use my phone because I know it's going to be 15 to 20 minutes before we actually get started.I really want to use my phone, but my phone's all the way over there.
Yeah, and you've already got yourself on the table.Yeah, I've got myself strangely situated on the table.
So my balls are just hanging off the end of the table.I thought maybe that's how he was going to go in.I'd have to spread my legs and he'd just dangle my balls over the edge. Yeah, like, you know, it's a mistletoe or something.I don't know.
He's just going to hang the mistletoe over the threshold and just get to it.So I'm like, okay, all right.Well, you know, but what I was really concerned about is what if the nurse comes in and here I am, Jimmy jamming all around the surgery room.
What if I'm like bending over to get my phone on the chair and she comes in and then she sees my balls from the back?Is that the way they go in?Do I have to lay over the table?I'm wondering, I don't know.
I don't see any stirrups, so I took that as a good sign that I didn't have to put my legs through anything.
I don't know why.I still got no answers to this, but eventually they pulled out a little thing so I could stick my... Oh, like a little extension.
Yeah, but it's short enough that the only thing you can do is stick your legs up on it like you're in stirrups.Yeah.So I'm like, okay, fuck the phone, Bryony.
You know, for 15 minutes in your goddamn adult life, you can just stare at the ceiling, right?And I can hear the gas going right next to me, so I'm like, pretty soon they'll give you gas and I won't need the phone.
It's probably best that I don't have the phone, actually, now that they're gonna give me nitrous.So I'm sitting there, little piece of paper over me, my twigs and berries, just one thin piece of paper away from showing the world.
And of course, I go into instant massage mode, like, please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner.Why I would get a boner, I don't know, but please don't let it happen here.
And so just as I'm talking myself out of, yet into a boner, the lady comes in, you know what I'm saying?I'm talking about it so much, it's happening.
just as i'm getting a little softy i'm like okay uh i keep on adjusting in my seat by the way i'm so uncomfortable uh maybe a short episode of the commercial So the lady, the first lady was just a lady.She was just a lady, nondescript lady.
She came in, she was taking my blood pressure.She's a very nice, sweet, obviously efficient at her job.The second nurse who came in, well, of course, you know, you've got nurse Pamela Anderson walks in the door saying, nurse leap-a, do a leap-a.
Dr. Lipa comes in and she's like, oh, I'm going to be your nurse today.And I'm like, okay, great, fantastic.And she's like, so what we're going to do first is let's go ahead and we're going to start the pronox for you.
And, and if you feel any discomfort at any time, you just take a deeper breath.She's like, the more you breathe in very deeply out through your nose, the better you're going to feel.Okay.You got it.And I'm like, okay, I got it.Yeah, I got it.
I've been doing a few fish concerts.
I know how to do nitrous oxide.
Do you have a balloon I could use?
I gotta get the second hand, you know what I'm saying?I don't wanna waste any of it.So she goes on, she grabs the little thing, she puts on a new thing.She says, hey, okay, you hold this to your mouth.
If you wanna just bite on it, you can just keep it in like that.She goes, but you know, kind of hold it.And that way, if anything happens, it'll just drop out of your mouth.
Like if you get a little bit too much nitrous oxide, it'll just drop out your mouth.And I'm like, can you tape it to my mouth?Is that possible?I know, right?I just wanted it taped to my mouth.
So it's this tube, and I... She's like, she goes, give me five, 10 good deep, deep breaths.And I'm like... Of course, I'm like, this ain't working.This ain't fucking working.This ain't working.This ain't working.This ain't working.
I'm in a different zip code.
All of a sudden it's working.
I'm in a new zip code.Yeah.Chrissy, did it hit?It hit hard.It hit fucking hard, man.Tunnel vision, Zaza Zuzu, Wa Wa Wee Wee, the whole nine yards.I was out.I was gone.I was in a different, I was a different human being.I loved it.
I was so fucking high.I mean, higher than I've ever been at any dentist's office, higher than I've ever been at any Phish concert.
Like I've got to get one of these.
They sell it right across the street.The only thing I could think of when I was high was I got to go across the street and get me one of these.
And then I thought it'd be a little weird if I was running out to the pool shed every 15 minutes and came back stumbling.My kids might take notice.Chrissy, this Pronox shit, I'm telling you what, it is the jam.
If you ever get a vasectomy or if you're just looking to get high, get a vasectomy.Ask for the Pronox.You know what I'm saying?
So they give me this product and I am sucking and all I keep telling myself while I'm sucking even though I'm in this tunnel vision black hole K hole down in the I'm down with I'm down in Middle Earth right now.Even though I'm down in Middle Earth.
The only thing my brain keeps saying is keep on breathing deep.Keep on breathing deep.I'm not gonna get higher.Yeah.So I'm breathing and then I don't understand what's going on because I'm really just concentrating on how fucked up I am.
Had the doctor come in?The lady is still in the room.This feels like 30 minutes.It's been 30 seconds.And she's like, And I'm like, Oh yeah, I'm feeling it a little bit.She's like, it looks like it.Okay.I'm going to get you prepped now.
And I was like, Oh, okay.What is that?And off goes the little thing.She just like rips it off.She's like, like she's unveiling a new car on Christmas day to the disappointment of everybody.It's a Mazda Miata from 1997.
She was looking for a Range Rover, she got a Mazda Miata.Or a Honda Accord with no hood, you know? probably wasn't.So she just rips it off.There's no one else in the room.I thought that was like, not a thing.
I thought you had to have other people in the room when you were like touching somebody's private parts.I don't know.Well, I've never gotten a vasectomy before either, but I've had people touch my nuts.
And I use, I think it usually is like, if you're someone of the opposite sex, there's some rule that she wasn't adhering to, but whatever.When you're so, I know why she gave me the pronax first.She's like, fuck it.I'm going to touch this guy.
guys, Dick, he's going to be high as fuck.He ain't going to care.Well, I probably wouldn't have cared in the first place, but let's be high as fuck anyway.So she rips it off and then she starts fondling the twigs and berries.
You know what I'm saying?I say fondle.She wasn't fondling.She was being very professional.She's like, I got to clear, I got to clear out the tubes one more time.Hope you don't mind.Take a deep breath for me. She was being very professional about it.
Right.To the point where she was like grabbing the head, the twig with her fingertips, you know, which that's how most women have grabbed my penis with the fingertips.There's not much to it.So she grabs it.She makes sure it's in the right place.
Then she tapes it to my stomach.She tapes my twig.
She flipped it up, taped it there.And now I'm thinking to myself in middle earth, in a different zip code, please don't get a boner.Please don't get a boner. I was like, oh no and and then Chrissy I I've never taken an ice bath.
I'm not one of those guys.I hate cold showers.I'm not one of those guys.The only time I've been in really, really cold water is when I was jumping in after Nico, when he blindly just ran into the pool when it was the middle of January.
That's the only time I've had that sensation.
I know I admire the people that like to do those cold plunge.
They always look really fit too.And I'm like, maybe that's it.
Maybe that's it.Or maybe you have to beef it in order to do that.In which case that's probably unlikely to happen.And the truth is, I love watching those people take those ice baths from YouTube.I do not want to do it myself.
I have no interest in being around cold water.So you know what happens next?I'll tell you right after this break.Sorry, I know I got to leave a little cliffhanger for you.
Okay, so let's take a short break and then I'll finish my story about how my twigs and berries got disconnected in just one moment.
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Okay, so cold water, cold liquid is not my thing.I don't like it.I don't want it anywhere near my body.
I'm just really... You don't want to dip your balls in it?
No.So she says at one point, okay, I'm going to put some iodine on you.Is that iodine that they put, that red stuff?I think so.Yeah, okay.She says, I'm going to put some iodine on you.
I can't even understand what she's saying because I'm so wah-wah in my head.But she's like, I'm going to put some iodine on you.This may feel cold.May feel cold.May feel cold.
I have never in my life felt something so cold as the washcloth full of iodine that she was rubbing all over the shaft of my penis.It was so fucking cold and even as high as I was, it felt disturbing to me.
But then the next thing that she did surprised me even more.She took the bottle of iodine and she poured it all over me, like all over my crotch, just dumped it on my crotch.It went directly into my into my nether hole, you know what I'm saying?
Directly into my happy anus, which I just puckered right up.
And she was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.And the only thing that I could think is, I'm Brian Greene from the commercial break.This is a perfect time for a joke.So I said, it's okay.
I just don't know how you look at a penis any other way after you get out of work.And she says, how do you know it's penises that I like? And then she goes, it's just medical to me.It's like an organ, you know, it's just another organ.
I see so many of them, so many shapes and sizes.And I was like, how does mine add up?And she goes, not going to go there.The doctor will be in in a minute.
I'm not doing an episode of the commercial break, as I had suspected earlier in my NO2 induced coma. I must have been sitting in that room for 10, 15 minutes.I mean, no one in there.I am just breathing as heavily as I can.Iodine, the iodine smell.
It's so cold.It's in my asshole.It's all over my legs.It's everywhere.I'm so uncomfortable, but I managed to take enough deep breaths that I get out of that zone and now I'm just right back to my happy place.
I'm at a Phish concert, Dibbity Dabs, Zingity Zingers, you know, Trey's gonna come out and play something.I don't know.Goose.You know the new band Goose?Oh yeah, Goose.I feel like I'm at a Goose concert.That's what I feel like.
So finally I hear a knock at the door.Mr. Green?And I'm like, uh, who else would it be? What?And by the way, you know I'm naked from the waist down.Why are you knocking on the door?With your penis.Yeah, with my penis taped to my belly button.Why?
In the most uncomfortable position of my life.
I'm still confused on the short table.Were you?
I don't know, but when he came in, he pulled it.Yes, I'm just like, my ass is just like hanging over.I got my legs down on this little holdy-uppy thing.Oh, right.And I'm high as a fucking kite.Yeah, the whole thing is just weird.
So he comes in and he's like, okay, you know, I'm really sorry.I was running late.I had a little thing to deal with.And I'm like, I hope you're not like having a bad day.You know what I'm saying?A little thing to deal with.
Isn't that what you do for a living is deal with little things.Here's a little thing you can deal with.But I'm thinking to myself, take your time there, Doc.Take your time.I'm enjoying the ride over here.
And he says, okay, I'm gonna dope you up with a little, it's kind of like Novocaine for the skin.It's, you know, whatever it is, Lidocaine.Yeah, Lidocaine.So he starts sticking a needle into my balls.Wow.Needle, needle, needle, needle.
Probably 12 times.Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot.I don't care how much NO2 you're on, when someone starts sticking a needle in your dick, you know about it.You know what I'm saying?
I was well aware.Yes, I had, it was definitely, What's going on in my brain?Someone's touching your penis in an uncomfortable way.You may be high, but just be aware.Things may not be going well down there.This is not the sensation we're used to.
So he starts sticking this needle in and then he's like, okay, I'm going to give it about five minutes to warm up.So just keep on breathing.Remember the deeper you breathe, everybody in this office is geared towards getting you as high as possible.
They're all saying the same thing.And I'm, by the way, I'm all for it.Yeah.If you're going to pay a hundred dollars for the nitrous oxide and you want it to work, go ahead and suck that baby down as hard as you can.
I mean, they have a regulator on there, you know, there's some kind of safety measure, I think to myself, as I'm sitting in this K hole, I'm like, clearly, I'm not gonna die.But I feel so out of body, like I'm in some weird universe.I'm sure.
He comes back, he slices and dices.You can feel it a little bit, right?And I'm just thinking to myself, don't look down.Don't look down.
No, I don't want to see that.It's like that time Astrid was giving birth to our first child and the doctor's like, you want to see?The head's coming out.And I was like, what do you say in that moment?Don't I'm an awful father and I can't handle it?
No, you say, of course, I'm a man.I'm going to pull up my balls and I'm going to take a look.I should have never looked.I should have never looked. So I'm telling myself, don't look, don't look, don't look.But I'm high as a fucking kite too.
So at one point, I try to like sit up, raise my head a little bit.And the doctor literally takes his elbow because now his hands are covered in my blood and semen.He takes his elbow and pushes my head back down.He goes, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Yeah, he goes, no, let's just stay still right there.Nothing here you want to see.Let me deal with this end, you deal with that end.
I'll have the gentle elbow.I know.He goes, dink.
So, so then he's going through the procedure and I, you know, Brian's doing another episode of the commercial break in his head.Right.And I'm like, so I go, so, Hey doc, is this the best looking penis you've seen today?
And you know what he says to me?He goes, you don't want to hear my truthful answer to that. I've got your balls spread wide open.I was like, fair enough, doc.Fair enough.
And then I wanted to, what I, never mind, I'm not gonna tell that joke, but I wanted to say some other joke, but I didn't.I'm doing a whole episode of the commercial, breaking my head.
Yeah, your head's spinning.
Yeah, that's right.Sews me back up. says, okay, you know, you're done.Nurse comes in five minutes later.I'm still sucking on the hose.Comes in five minutes later to clean up and do this and do that.
And she says, okay, whenever you're ready, just go ahead and throw that.You can throw that pipe down on the ground, get yourself dressed and go.I am covered in iodine.Red as a rabbit.I mean, I swear to... Red as a rabbit?Is there a rabbit red?
I don't know where you came up with that. Red is a robin, I think is what I should have said.Red is a rob.So Chrissy, I'm like, nope, not gonna let go of the hose.Not until someone comes in and tells me I have to.She said, whenever you're ready.
Well, I don't have to be ready right now.This is all going on in my very high mind right now. So I keep sucking, I'm laying there, I'm sucking, I'm laying there, I'm sucking, I'm laying there, I'm sucking.
And so I don't know what it was, because I didn't have my, you know, time telling device, also known as my iPhone, on me.
But I must have been in there, I'm guessing 10 minutes, getting ever more high, ever more high, ever more high, sucking on this thing until... Mr. Green, you okay in there?
And I'm like, and she comes and peeks around the corner and she's like, you didn't get dressed yet.And I'm like, and she's like, well, we do need the room for someone else.
When, once you go ahead and take the pipe out of your mouth and whenever you're ready, you can get dressed.Yeah.We're wrestling back and forth with it. I'm going to shut off the valve.
No, you're not.I paid a hundred bucks.I want my money's worth.
And I was like, yeah, just a minute.I'll be there in a minute.You know, like that whole number.And she's like, why don't you give me the hose and we'll start there.And I was like, aw, I was like a little dejected baby.Get cleaned up as much as I can.
She's like, here, here's some white bees.Well, the white bees don't take iodine off.Nothing takes iodine off.It sticks with you for days.Chrissy, I'm telling you what.
I got home, and I was so hepped up from my hour-long adventure on NO2, and the lidocaine was still in effect.I'm just dancing around the house.I'm walking up and down.I got to make a phone call.I got to do this and that.
Worst fucking thing I ever did.
Yeah, you should have come home and went to bed.
It says right on the piece of paper, go home, get in bed immediately.Ice it, immediately get out of bed.I did not do that.I did not take the doctor's advice.And man, did I pay for it the next day.
I have never in my life seen a hematoma, also known as a bruise, like the bruise that both of my testicles had, that's still here today, by the way. Chrissy, black is that screen.Swear to God, my balls are black as that screen.
And it really freaked me out.And that's why Jeff came in handy, because Jeff was like, ah, don't worry about it, dude.Yeah, that's perfectly normal.But ice, ice, ice.And by the way, I could feel the pressure of them swelling up.
I felt like two baseballs were down there. So here I am, I'm in bed, being a bad patient, as Astrid will tell you, I always am.She's saying, lay down, lay down.
And I'm feeling bad because the kids are running around screaming and yelling, the dog's barking.I know, I wanted to help.And she's like, if you get an infection, you're going to be down for weeks.Fuck you.Lay down in the bed.
You do not want an infection there.
Astrid doesn't care whether or not I'm really healed.She cares whether or not she has to do extra days with the children.So she's smartly telling me to lay down so I don't get an infection.
Well, I will tell you what, at some point during the evening, I get up and I got to eat something.So I'm like, okay, now I'm hungry.I'm nauseous.It feels like you got kicked in the balls, but the feeling never went away.
It's like this persistent feeling that you've just been kicked in the balls.
I'm walking in the hallway about to get in the kitchen and my son is standing at the stairwell right next to the door to the kitchen and my son swings around and he goes, stop!Like he's playing a game and he smacks me right in the penis.
Chrissy, I fall down, I fall immediately down, down on my butt then on my head like a whole Like a real fall, right?Not one that you pre-planned, not one for exaggeration, one because the pain level just went to 70 out of 10.
And as I fall down, Chrissy, I swear to God this happens, and my son will tell you this when you walk out the door, a roach falls on the floor. It's been raining here for like days on end.
And whenever it rains, we always get this random like sick, you know, uh, palmetto bug that shows up.
Quote unquote.It's a fucking roach.
Don't call it a palmetto bug.I don't care, Florida.It's not a palmetto bug.We don't have palmettos. So this roach falls on the floor right next to me, but the whole family has now run up to see what's going on.
So it's Astrid, all the children, the dog is barking, the roach is right next to me, and my children start crying bloody murder.Literally tears coming out of their face.They're running away, they're scared.
My son, the one who hit me, thought that he had hit me in the penis, the boo-boo, right, on my penis, that's what we called it, the boo-boo, on my penis, and a roach had come out.That's what he thought.That's what was in his head.The roach came out.
It took me three hours to convince my son that roaches don't come out of your penis.That's not what happens. And by the way, even if I tried, roaches couldn't come out of my penis anymore.It's disconnected.Can't make babies, can't make roaches.
I'm glad you made it through.
Well, I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.
Yeah, it takes a little while.
And when you look back on it, you'll be like, oh, it was nothing.
I told Jeff, I said, If you remember, it's a little bit more of an ordeal.
Everyone makes it sound like a day or two with ice.It's like when women get pregnant and that chemical goes in their brain, they forget the actual birthing part.You know what I'm saying?
Well, all the men who have gotten vasectomies have forgotten the actual part where you got to watch out for your son smacking you in the balls.By the way, he slept with me in the bed that night and he's just a kicker.That's what he does.
He's just kicking me all night long in the potatoes.I'm like, ah! And he's like, Daddy, are there bugs coming out?No, son, there aren't.
But you keep on kicking me, and you might see something you don't want to, like two volleyballs attached to dad's ping-pang.
Well, didn't that story just tickle you in all the right places?If it didn't, well, that's on me.Brian and Chrissy will be back this week, and then we won't be taking a break for a very long time.So pray for us.
In the meantime, you can text us at 212-433. 3TCB, that's 212-433-3822, or you can leave us a voicemail if you just can't contain your excitement to a text message, which is relatable to me.
You can also follow us on TikTok at the handle at TCB Podcast, and on Instagram at the commercial break, so hop to.
If you're looking for more information about Brian and Chrissy, or you want to request a free sticker, go to tcbpodcast.com, click contact, and select I want my free sticker in the dropdown menu.
Alright, now I must say, best to you all out there in the podcast universe, goodbye!
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