Well, in this episode, we do a one-on-one with a little bit high and a little bit drunk, Andy Dick, but still makes for good pod.And we'll do all that right after this.
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From Corolla One Studios in Glendale, California, this is The Adam Corolla Show.Adam's guest today, actor and comedian Andy Dick.And now, with your annual reminder to trick-or-treat in your own goddamn neighborhood. Adam Carolla.
Yeah, get it on.Got to get it on.No choice but to get it on Mandate.Get it on.Thanks for tuning in.Thanks for telling a friend.Speaking of a friend, we got our old friend Andy Dick in studio for a revealing one-on-one.Revealing?Oh, yeah.
Well, we'll get to that part, I guess.So much to get into with Andy Dick.Did you write that with his neighborhood thing with the trick-or-treating?That was fucking funny.Oh, thanks. No, I didn't.Mike Lynch writes the beginning of those things.
No, I knew him.You know Mike Lynch.Okay, so Andy.You, sober?Here and there.I'm smoking pot.You're smoking pot.Do you?Do I smoke pot?I know you never did, but I'm wondering when is the time going to come because you're going to cave in, buddy.
With the weed?Well, let's break down the weed. I like pot.So you have smoked?I definitely have smoked pot.And used to back in the day more, you know?Yeah, when you were very young.Yeah.Twenties.Yeah, I hung out with the guys, smoked pot, had fun.
Later on when I got a lot of responsibilities and had a lot of stuff to take care of and people counting on me, I tended not to smoke pot.I started drinking red wine.I found that the alcohol worked better on what I needed.
Like in terms of altering yourself, because that's really, you know, caffeine, cigarettes, cigarettes, nicotine, caffeine.Yeah, we're all kind of looking for something, you know what I mean?
And the alteration that the weed made was not as good as the alteration that the booze made. Yes, but I mean, it's up to everybody.And where age you are, and they have all these new strains now.How long has it been?
Okay, well, help me help me with this.Every once in a while, I wander into the pot dispensary, you know, and I go look out of old habit.No, I just go. I want something that puts me to sleep.
Indica.I just want to go to bed.
Indica.I want to go to bed.Indica.And then they go, well, this one is for if you want to play the oboe.And this one's if you want to play the clarinet.They're different.They are.And then there's this one for creativity.
So they end up giving me the one for sleep.And then I go home and I eat it.And I stay up for the next two hours eating. And it just doesn't work.Well, maybe that's how it is supposed to work.I get so full.
I ate a giant brick of C's candy and now I pass out on the sofa.Yeah, it just doesn't... But you're saying Indica makes you go to bed?Yeah, allegedly.I do Stevia, because I don't do Coke anymore.You know why, by the way?
I don't do Coke.They don't make it.
Ah.No, they really don't.If they made good Coke, would you do it?Hell yeah.Oh, OK.I would. Well, I mean, it's medicinal.If Dr. Drew was in the studio, he'd probably have something to say.
I thought you were going to say Dr. Freud, because he used it with his... Him, on himself.They made good, straight cocaine now.That's why I don't do it.It's got fentanyl in it.Yeah.In fact, I died.Let's not get right into it.
We'll get into it.Well, tell me.This is your show.Tell me, did you flatline? He said I did, you know.When was this?Adam, when was it?I try to not think about my death.Now, so here's the part where I have to explain things.My name is Adam.
So for those listening in their car, that could be confusing because Adam just asked when Andy died and then he said Adam.But Adam's also the name of your director, who's also in the studio.Yeah, sitting on the floor.Yes.
So you're consulting with that Adam off the microphone.And he doesn't like to talk.All right.So let's not get into a lot of extraneous stuff in the room.
at the beginning, right before the show, and you're going to point at someone and go, who's that dude?Don't do that.That's one consistent thing that all crazy people do is they point at stuff outside of the room and they go, who's that?
What's going on with that?Oh, and Dr. Drew does that. Oh, he does, doesn't he?I was just with him, did you know that?No.I did his show.Oh, okay.Like a few days ago.All right, so you, let's skip.You and I go back to Loveline 25 years.Yes, more.
More, right?Yeah, 30 maybe.How come you look so young?You get out of the gate.Well, I do pure cocaine.I don't mess with the stuff that's been stepped on with baby laxative.Okay, I know you don't do cocaine.Okay, so listen. Good cocaine is good.
Because you used to do it?No, because one time I had a friend who worked on Miami Vice and he came back from Miami and he was like, have you had good coke? And I was like, I just had whatever my stupid friends in North Hollywood could afford.
And he's like, try the good stuff.And I tried the good stuff.And I was like, oh, this is what people are talking about now.Now I could never afford Coke because it was 110 bucks a gram and I made $9 an hour.Now you can.This is my lament.
This is my lament.I now make 10,000 bucks a show and Coke is 50 bucks a gram. So yes, I should be doing comedy.Let's trace your lineage, Andy Dick.You've done all the shows.I mean, I forgot, Reality Bites, Cable Guy, Dude Wears My Car, Zoolander.
Old school, lots of good credits, news radio.The Andy Dick show, yeah, news radio.It says Get Smart under TV credits.Was that a TV show?Oh, they made a feature and a TV show.Yeah, they brought back Don Adams and Barbara Felden.Wow.
And I was their son.Yes.So lots of work for you, and lots of talent. Andy Dick could bring it.I recognized who was real and who wasn't.You know, you do interviews.I'd love to hear who you think isn't real. There were comedians, I'm trying to think.
There were comedians.Are they dead now?Dead to me, but no.No, I just mean if you sit in a room for a couple hours with somebody, whether it's a politician or whether it's a comedian, you kind of go like, oh, there's nothing here.
Or you go, oh, there's a lot more here than I thought there was.That person's more interesting than I thought. So anyway, you're not allowed to say the people that you wouldn't want.There are comedians that are overrated.
The first time I worked with Dane Cook, I did not like Dane Cook. I did work with him.I didn't say I liked him.
I like Dane Cook now, by the way.Me too.
But I did not like the 24-year-old version of Dane Cook.Yeah, that's when I was in a movie with him.Oh, what movie?Employee of the Month, right?Oh, right, right, right.Employee of the Month, yeah.Right, with Simpson and... Jessica Simpson.
Jessica Simpson.And Harlan Williams.Who I'm gonna see later on today.No!Yeah. Just to talk shit about you.We're not even going to record our conversation.I'm just going to his house to talk shit about Andy Dick.Coincidentally.
No, are you going to see him?I am going to see him.Does he know that me and you are together?Because we really like each other on that set.Harlan.Yeah.Yeah.But Dave was a douchebag.
Well then a douchebag to me, but I could see how you could see how a lot of people think he's a douchebag.Back then.But listen, can we give all the devils their due?I love Jay more now. And you didn't before?No, because he used to be a douchebag.
Well, because he was doing hardcore drugs.Or whatever he was doing, it didn't make him into a- He was, I know.Okay, it did not turn him into the kind of guy that I had a good time with.
Now I'm basically dear friends with Jay Moore because I like him a lot.He's so funny.So people can grow into something.And I feel the same way about Dane Cook.But the first time I met him when we were doing Cranky Anchors,
Thought you were just gonna I did not like rank just doing crank But he was you know 24 and a half or whatever and guys grow into a more mellow It was version all must have been all about a girl.
I don't know I had to have been What are you talking about? He was going through something and I'm sure it had something to do with the girl.
Sometimes guys are just full of themselves when they're on the way up and they're 24 and they're good looking and, you know, they'll get their shirt off and they feel good, you know, that is.And then later on, they mellow out a little bit.
Life happens.I get it.I'm fine with that.That's exactly it.And that's the thing that you, you guys, you and him have the advantage over me because I look like a fucking weasel.In fact, I play a weasel in a fucking Disney movie.
Yeah, but let's be clear here.Let's be clear.You have pulled down some world-class pussy.World-class.A weasel, 140 pounds, soaking wet, drug problem, bisexual, whatever. World-class pussy.Am I making any of this up?
No, you're not, but you can add more descriptions in there.What about big dick and shit like that?I don't know if you have a big dick.You wanna see it? Well, I do.You know, I made Dr. Drew look at it years ago.He looked at my dick, too.On the air.
On the air with me, too.Oh, my God.He looked at your dick, huh?He has a thing about looking at... He said... He said I had warts.Did you? Well, he said, uh, he's, well, he's a doctor.Yeah.I said, everyone's got warts.I said, I don't got warts.
He said, Oh, you do.I said, I do not.He said, you don't know you have warts.You have the pre every everybody's sexually active has to pre whatever for warts.I said, well, I've never seen a wart.
On my dick, and he said, well, you dump acetic acid on it, like white vinegar, and then you hit it with a woods light, which is a black light.It's the one, the crime scene light, where they find the pentagram made of semen on the comforter.
Or blood, yeah.Or blood, right.And he said, if you dump this acetic acid on your penis and put this black light on it, You'll see the little white foamy pustules.Did you?I said, I do not.I said, we'll do it on the air.
And you can announce it in real life, real time.And you said yes to this?Was my idea.I was that confident about my cock.That's what I love about him.I said, we'll do it on the air.He was that confident about his cock.
And we'll get Dr. Marcel like a third party in here to examine my dick on the air while we dump the acid on it.And what happened?Nothing. It exists.There's a Loveline tape that exists out there.
Then you knew it wasn't going to show up, because you don't sleep around it.No, I knew that I didn't have warts, but when Drew said, if you dump this acetic acid and hit it with a black light on anyone's dick, you'll see something.
That I was thinking about.I have to write that down.So why'd you show Dr. Drew your dick?You don't need to write that down. No, I'm doing that.I'm curious about these.Oh, you definitely have wargs.You know what, bitch?
All the fucking you've done with all the... I stopped.My libido... I don't know about you, but my libido is... Well, this is when you start getting nice. But not you.Andy was always nice.But Andy, you always had super hot chicks, right?Yes.
Way too hot for me.Yeah, that's what I'm saying.Acetic acid and what?Wood's Light. What a woods light it's called a woods.Oh, oh the black eye.Yeah woods It's probably Amazon.Well, I'm from the 70s.So I'm gonna say black light.
Okay, so Let's get back to you.By the way, that is me.It's about my fucking Lord.Are you truly by?In terms of what do you mean by that? It's like, remember when Elton John was bi, but now he's just gay?Again, when it starts off bi.
You can get more gay over the years.Yeah.Did you get more gay or more bi or more heterosexual?Can I think about that?Let me think about it.I think I just... What if we gave you a number?
No, I still can't answer because if I met a girl, like right now I'm kind of seeing, I'm not even seeing anybody, a girl or a guy.Right.But if some guy or girl, the thing is that I don't have a sexual libido, but if I did, I'm attracted to beauty.
That's what I love about your show.It's beautiful.Thank you.So you like the aesthetic. Yeah, like I like beautiful 60s Ferraris and great architecture.Yep, even though me too Well, not the car part, right?Okay.
So wait, what do you mean by 60s architecture Lee?Who knows 60s art?No, sorry 60s Ferraris and Beautiful architecture.
You did say that?Yeah, so if there was a meter 100% and right in the middle 50% was bi and to the left was guys and to the right was girls.
You wouldn't be 52% toward the women or 47% toward the dudes or would it just be really right down the middle case by case?
It's at a zero because of my sexual... Right, but back in the day.No, I can talk about now because I live with a woman that I have two kids with, but I wouldn't mind living with one of my boys, because I do have a handful of them.
Handful of boys?Oh yeah, your boys are in their 30s now?They're gone. They get their walking papers at 25.But you had older kids, right?Older than me?Yeah, older than you.No, they're all older now.And one of them has a baby.Oh, okay.
So you're a grandfather.Okay.Oh boy.That's a tough title, right?Are you one yet?No, I'm not.I'm old enough to be a grandfather.If this is, you know, turn of the century, I'd be a grandfather. That's the way it worked.All right.
So let's, let's, uh, let's, let's walk through your life, Andy.Yes.You come here at what age to do comedy.
18 I think 18 and you know you got something at a young age because everybody told me they're like you just have to they made me be in the high school shows and They made me do stand up at open mic nights, which back then and that's in the 80s.
Mm-hmm They it wasn't a popular thing, you know open mic nights and shit
But they had this one weird one, and I did some and I'm like I don't have comedy and I did some I barely remember I stuck in a Tampon Maxi pad mm-hmm.That's not funny at all It is if your carrot tap Did he do that
I don't know, but if anyone... Exactly that, you're right.Alright, so you stuck a maxi pad in your forehead.I was about to get mad that he stole my thing, but I was 17.I was actually 17.So you came here from where?
Joliet, Illinois, Joliet, Illinois, and you lived all outside of Chicago.Your dad was in the military Yeah, and so you moved here Navy.He was a lieutenant commander on a submarine.That's crazy.
Mm-hmm And he he held his family together like a tight ship He was on a nuclear submarine That's why he died.He died younger than we are really.Well, how old are you 60? You're older than me, I fucking wanna quit right now.Okay, Annie, come on.
But how come you look better?I hate it.You don't even have gray hair.The pure Bolivian shale.Is this one of the things you're promoting?Your dad died of cancer? Yeah, and my mom.And because you think of his exposure to the nuclear stuff on the sub?
And he was a sub commander?He was a lieutenant commander.Okay, so that's a responsible guy, your dad, right?And then he must have been also gone for months at a time, right?Yep.Because they can just go out in perpetuity, right?
Yeah, he'd be gone for like nine months out of the year.Really?That's like... Just on the sub?There's only three months left that I might get to hang out with him, but he was too busy fucking, you know, Sue Dick.
Who was... My mom.Sue Dick, Mal and Dick.
Uh-huh, and so you didn't really spend a lot of time with your dad growing up No, and towards the end of it when he was dying He's like he said I he realized that he said I realized I haven't been spending time or cry or No, I lost my dad like two days ago.
No you I did you did mm-hmm And he said he had the same conversation.He died at 93.But when he was like 85, he said to me, I'm interested now.I want to know what's going on with your life.And I was like, I'm 53, Dad.And he's interested now.
He got interested.You kept him alive.He was like, now I want to know what's going on.And I'm like, well, it's all in the rear view mirror now, Dad.I'm just, I'm coasting down the backside.But all right.
I don't know why he was interested when I was in my 50s.Because you were like really coming up.No, I was coming up when I was 33, not when I was 53.He didn't believe it, maybe. Alright, so your dad said that he wished...
Yeah, he was a nuclear engineer for Westinghouse, and he said, I'm trying to encourage you, Andy, to follow your dreams and do what's in your heart and what you love.Because I wanted to go to acting school, acting college, which I did.
I went to three different ones.But, you know, Illinois Wesleyan, Columbia College, and University of Illinois. only for two years and I dropped out because I was acting outside.How old were you when your dad passed?
right around then, between 15 and 20.Now, does that happen to you?I really can't remember exact dates.I'm bad.I'm very bad at exact dates, but I could probably narrow down more than five years.
Like I'd know if I was in my first year of high school or in the ninth grade or senior year or something.I was in high school.You were in high school.I can't remember which year.So your dad, you didn't get to see, and then he died, essentially.
And there's more to the story.I'm glad you asked that because the dad that raised me adopted me.So Alan Dick and Sue Dick adopted me and I was just this kid.And then, you know, after they died,
I'm like, well, who the fuck are these people that fucked?And then I'm with these other fools.
So you were adopted very young?From birth.I think they signed the papers before I was pooped out, which that's a bad idea.I can't believe I came out here.Yeah, yeah.I'm your new son!It could happen.Yeah, you're right.
Yeah, they probably have a lemon loss for that.He always has to do a car thing. So it's a car reference, isn't it?And I'm a crappy car.You remind me of a 74 AMC Pacer.No, I hate those cars.I kind of like cars.What's your favorite car?
I'm not that dumb with cars.
That's the straight side of you.That is the straight side of you.You get adopted.But at some point you want to know your biological parents. Well, after they died, I literally waited till they died.You waited till your adoptive parents died?Yeah.
And then I hired a lawyer.It cost me like 10 or 20 grand to find them.How old are you at this point?You're already in Hollywood and doing your thing?Yeah, I think, yeah, I was in my 20s.
You're right, you're right, you're right, you're right.And I hired these lawyers, paid an arm and a leg, And they found my mom, Lynn Tomlinson, who's a wonderful woman.I know her now.We're talking.We talk all the time.
And she's not going to like that I'm going to say this, but I said, you know, after a couple weeks or so, I said, are you in touch with the biological dad, my dad, I guess you can say?
But because my dad was Alan Dick and my mom was Sue Dick, and I really loved them, but they're both dead.And she said, no, I can't help you with that.He's not a good person.So I stopped talking to her.
Uh-huh.And then she did really send me this weird, this sounds like it's like some weird made-for-TV movie, but it was an envelope that I opened up and in it was a napkin that I had to open up.
And that just had his name, Ronnie Morgan, with the number on it.My biological dad.Right.And then I found him, and I think they're talking. Were you on TV at that point?Would they have known who you were?That's a good question.And they did not know.
And that's why they were initially like, get away from me, you freak.I didn't have you or this, especially my dad.But then when they did find out who I was, they were like, oh, okay.Oh, sad.
But did it turn out? Did your biological dad turn out to be okay?He did.He turned a corner.He was a bad drinker, very bad.But then he sobered up for like 10 or 20 years, but then when I... Then he gave me a bump of Coke and he got back on.
I really don't do Coke anymore.I honestly don't, because like I said, they don't make it.But if you do know someone, I'll hook you up after this. But I got my friends who worked on Miami Vice.All right, so, no, no, no.Okay, what were you gonna say?
Your dad was sober, was bad when he wasn't, then he got sober, then he got bad.I met up with him.Right.And then we got, we were just drinking right away.Uh-huh, yeah. Like going to the bar and drinking or just hanging out?
Well it wasn't like back in like Cheers.Right, right.Takes everything you got.Yeah.Loving that song by the way.Good song.So your dad still alive today?
Yeah, my two biological parents are alive, which means you have me for a little bit of time, buddy.And your sisters, brothers, any other?You must have a bunch of halfs, though.
Yeah, I do have a bunch, like five or something, half ones, but I don't talk to them.I just don't know them.
Mm-hmm.So in and your biological mom and dad have figured out a way to find their way back to each other At least they communicate.Yeah, I made them.I think you said that interest that I think I
Threatened and not only threatened but stopped communicating with both of them until they talked Mm-hmm.I had to do that.You know you did Okay, don't get distracted Well, I'm looking at this look.
I love your little saying all woke and no joke He's he's talking about coasters that are on the table, but it's cool isn't that yours yeah, I
You have a lot of products.So you have a little light line of things that you say Yeah, well, I put one of my things on your table to sell.Let's just see how they do Well, I might start gangbusters.You could use a coaster.Oh That's why they're there.
You brought it up.I wasn't going to say anything.All right.So now you're in Hollywood and you're working and you're meeting the right people.I'm testing you, this old man.What do you think my first job was?
Like on TV?Or movies.Oh, movies.Well, let's see.I'm going to cancel out the Alaskan Airlines commercial that I did when I was 17.I was about to say that. I mean, I remember seeing you on like award shows and game shows and that kind of stuff.
Right, but that was after I had made it on the show shows.Yeah, I don't know.You really can't remember.You better check your Alzheimer's.I think we're beyond dementia with you.Something on MTV. Yeah, the Andy Dick show.That's right.And The Assistant.
Was there some?I did five shows on MTV.You did?Yeah, including yours.Multiple, Loveline.Well, I know, but that's not doing a show.No, but I did that nine times.You did Loveline nine times on MTV.Yeah, your, the TV show.The TV show.
Or maybe, see this is where my, it might be nine, You had a radio show.I did that 30 times.You were a very frequent and welcome guest.I loved it because I needed Dr. Drew's help about my sexual addiction.You had a sexual addiction back then.
And the other one.He actually got me into a rehab.How do you treat sexual addiction?
I don't treat it anymore because my balls fell through the floor.
Yeah, low libido.I guess.What do I do?I already got some herbs and shit.I'm taking those, but do you have that problem?I do not have boner problems, but I do, I'm not like I was when I was 19.You know, I just, you tend to like,
You start, like when you were young, all you were thinking about is fucking all the time, right?And you're beating off three times a day and all, you're just an animal, right?Chafing up your dick, yeah.Chafing up the dick.
And then at some point, you find yourself wanting to go out to dinner and like watch TV more than beat off.And that's the biological change, you know?It's when you get sad. Well is it?I mean maybe, you know, because you had a burden.
You know, you had like a sexual burden.Oh, I thought you were talking about my kids.No, I'm talking about I have three kids.Three kids.How many do you have?Two.Catch up and then we can talk more.But they're doing great now.Your kids are doing great.
I told you about one of them has a daughter.
Anastasia.So I'm a grandfather.We talked about that. Do you have my walker right outside the door by the way?
Yeah, well it is weird getting old because you just never picture yourself as old and especially you I mean you're a bit of a Peter Pan Type I would say there's a syndrome, you know, yeah.
All right, so you had a sexual addiction you think yeah when you read the Peter Pan reference is so funny because you know women played Peter Pan on Broadway mm-hmm and men did too like it was like It was kind of the first pansexual.
Oh, I got chills too.That must be where it came from.Pansexual.Does pan mean everything? Can you look it up, Adam?I gotta look up pan.Adam, just look up the word pan.I got a crew in there.They'll put it on my screen.No, not you, Adam.I'm sorry.
No, I know, I'm telling you.I'm gonna say Carbone, Adam Carbone.So remember, there's two Adams.But Carbone, can you, why are you, don't stare at us.No, someone will put it on my screen.You don't have your phone?The prefix pan, quiet.
Oh yeah, you have a whole crew in there.That's what I was trying to explain.The prefix pan means all. of everything.So I guess you're right.It is everyone can play Peter Pan from the Greek word Paz, which means all.
So you're right, Andy Dick is right.So you come here, you're sexually addicted.Back then, no back then.But you also are in a playground now.I wish I was, yes.Where you have access to women and men and the beautiful people, right?
And now I'm in the place, good question, you're so fucking good, I hate you. No, it's so good.That they're throwing themselves at me at the time when I'm like, not interested.Oh, now you mean?
Well, I'm just not interested because of my libido, because of my age.But they're so... I mean, I get their numbers and I flirt with them and text, flirt, meet up with them.Men and women?Uh-huh.Yeah.
I got married, you know, Lena, she doesn't like when I say her name even, but I have two kids with her.I can't say her name.But I'm married to her right now, currently.But I told her to marry me just in case things go south.
And I said, get a good, nice life insurance out of me.And then, She couldn't.You know, you can't get a life insurance on somebody who's like a risk.Yeah.For suicide, which is what they said.Oh, they said you're a risk for suicide?Yeah.
You don't think that, I hope.I don't.Why?Do you have ideations, as they say?What is that?Suicidal ideations.Have you ever attempted suicide?No.So how do they label you that? Guess cuz I'm crazy.
Yeah That's how they are before they kill themselves so they wouldn't cover you who I Already insurance company.Oh, no.No.No.Yeah.Yeah, I have to pay for it.
Well, have you ever thought about any self-help regime, like cold dunks in tanks or personal trainers, saunas?I've done all of it.You want me to get my notebook out?Get your notebook out.Okay, I don't have it.I'm gonna write it right now.All right.
So I've done TM, Transcendental Meditation.Yeah, done like ayahuasca and that kind of stuff?I did it.How was that? I'm not sure if it was good.Where was it?I can't remember.Was it in this country?
Yes, and it was from a friend that I know is lying, because it wasn't, oh no, there were all those. psychedelic drugs.Have you done any of those?I've tried mushrooms a time or two.
I don't get why microdosing or doing all that stuff is somehow going to purge you of everything.Because they don't purge you but They keep certain brain synapses at bay.But where did all your trauma arrive?
I mean, you were adopted, but that seems like a good thing for you.First of all, I'm not agreeing with you that I have trauma.OK. But you have the result as if you'd had trauma.
So I think you should ask, where did all what I'm perceiving to be trauma arose?Do you see how I grammatically corrected you?No, here's what I'm saying.Most people go, this person had a lot of trauma, and then they became a mess.
I think the adoption, which is at birth, You know, they crap me out and then they're like, can you take this thing?Yeah, but you didn't know that.But do we?Oh, on some level, some like cellular level.Now you're getting somewhere.
So when did you adopt it?When did the dicks tell you that the noble name of Dick was not really yours.
From day one.From day one.
Yeah.There was a book back in the 60s.I was born in 65.They thought they should share that with you.Yeah.Well, yeah.There was a children's book.I could read it myself.They read it to me.It was about this big.And it was called The Chosen Child.
And so you were three and they told you. They told me from day one.Well, day one's not going to work, because... Well, they might have been putting it in my head.You keep saying day one, but if you're an infant, it's not going to work.
Well, I don't... That's where I beg to differ.Now, do you wish they didn't tell you that?Like, my granddaughter, I'm playing her music, I'm singing her songs, and she's only four weeks old.Mm-hmm.So, did you say you don't have any grandchildren?No.
What are you going to...? You know, I'm not totally in control of that.I know, but I would imagine I would one day.Yeah.If you stay alive, if I stay alive.So, so ominous.So, so do you wish your biological parents didn't share that?Sorry.
Do you wish your adoptive parents didn't share that with you?Share what?The information that you were adopted.
Now I'm glad they did, because they're the ones that fucking up and went.They died.I'm like, at least I had someone to go to.
And then I had a fuller story, so I can live my life more and have fun.Because I like my current biological mom and biological dad.You've got two sets of parents in your own way.Yeah, but the first ones that really raised me are dead.
I wish you could have met my dad.Submarine guy, I would have loved that guy.You remind me of him.Did you have a Jim Morrison type thing with him?Jim Morrison's dad was a rear admiral in the Navy. And Jim Morrison would just say he's dead.
He didn't want to talk about his dad, because it was the opposite of Jim Morrison and the Doors.You know what I mean?Was your dad, did he see your success?Was he proud of you?Or were you not living the kind of lifestyle that he condoned?
That's another good question, because my dad really didn't think.
He was like, can you not? Let me get you in a good college and do this.Cause he was a nuclear engineer.
He was like smart as fuck and all that.And he worked at Westinghouse.But, and then I said, no, I want to do acting.
And you really derail me. He did?No, you do.I do.Why am I doing it?I can't, because I'm thinking about my dad now, and oh, on his deathbed.
I thought he said to follow your dreams.
When the doctor said, you're gonna die in three months, he said, son, son, son, I know I've been telling you something, but I'm changing my mind on his deathbed.
Mm-hmm follow your dreams like you did so that's good Did it where did you get your advice to follow your dinner?
I didn't get and no one ever told me that Jesus so you were just a lonely porch Yeah, I didn't my parents never told me anything That's even that's good.We're so similar on so many fucking I don't have if you said I'm gonna take you out back Yeah.
Here's the sad part.If you said, tell me your dad's favorite piece of advice or saying, you know, and it could be people are like assholes.Everyone has one and they all stink or something.
My dad had no advice and no sayings and then asked me what my mom's favorite dish was.And I would say, I don't know. So I didn't have that kind of parenting.I got left alone.I did whatever I wanted, and I just figured out I was funny.
But there was no dream following.That's why we get along and connect so well.Are you guys seeing that?I have to talk to the audience occasionally.Yeah, he sees it.One guy does.All right.So you were told to follow your dreams. Is that even helpful?
Because he was dying, yeah.Look, I'm on the Adam Carolla show.I freed you up to follow your dreams.Oh, I have gifts for you.Okay, thank God for the gifts. So there's two different kinds of hats.For Halloween, if you're doing anything.
Oh, yeah, it's Halloween.Yeah, I'm performing at Kimmel's Club in Vegas for Halloween.That's tomorrow, isn't it?That's tonight, as we hear this.Where's Kimmel's Club?It's in Vegas.You have to fly tonight?No, tomorrow.Oh, OK.
Well, let me just dump them.Yeah.Do you buy things? You bought beads, you bought hats.I picked them out.You picked out purple beads, sunglasses.Because of Willy Wonka.Oh, Willy Wonka, oh.This might, could be good for your kid.
Oh, the rocks are from the desert I live in.Mm-hmm, you live in the desert.Yeah, Hammett, remember?I can't, I couldn't remember where you live.That's me, this one's actually mine.You got stuffed animals.That's me and my friend Billy.
All right, because he's black.No, you got to cut that part out.That's not why.All right, Andy, let's... I love you.Okay, carrot down.Where's your maxi pack? All right, get back on the microphone.This is for my director.Can you get that away from me?
All right, let's get back.Let's get back on track here.You don't have to, you don't have to boss it back.At least give these to your children.I will.They're 18 and a half, but I will give them these.Take another aspirin. Okay.So Annie.
I don't have a headache.You followed your dreams.Yeah.And then you're living in Hollywood.And you got all kinds of hot chicks and hot dudes.Was that the MTV connection?Do you remember Lisa?I brought her on your show.
I remember you showing up with a beautiful woman every other time.
She was the woman that showed her titties on, what movie was that?Carbone?
That's weird, because you both have A and C. Yeah.It's Tripp and Mia.
So Carbone, remember?Road Trip.
On Road Trip.She showed her titties.It was a Todd Phillips movie.Old School.Yeah, Old School.What was it like doing Old School? Great.I said, I can only do a day and I need a bunch of money.
I think it was like 50 grand.Something like that for a day.And I did it, but Todd, I don't want to talk about other people.
You know, I try not to do that.Yeah, but Todd Phillips, something better?No.I didn't say his name.All right.Seems like that's where you're heading for.Do you want some of my rocks?No, I'm good with gravel.I got a lot of gravel.
That was your whole business.I was in construction.Well, you know, the difference between cement and concrete is really just aggregate.It's what you're holding in your hand.The rocks that they grind up?Or what?Well, they don't grind them.
I mean, they'll leave it in there.But let's not digress.I'm not digressing.
So Todd Phillips, you don't want to talk about. No, I'm fine.I don't know how he's doing it.I don't want to step on anybody's toes.Get to any, like, P. Diddy parties?Allegedly.My other Adam Carbone found a picture of me at a P. Diddy party.
Oh, he did?Yeah.I'm sure I was there, because I did know him.I wasn't friends.I mean, I'd like to consider you my friend.Yeah. Okay, thanks.
Okay, so you just invented your, but I wasn't friends with him, but he invited, he knew about me, and you know, the Andy Dicks show and all that bullshit.So I got invited to the parties, and I would bring the, what are you looking at?
Looking at a picture of you and P Diddy.Yeah, and that's Lisa, oh my God, where did you get that picture?
And there's a blonde girl.
Can you send that to me? Fuck yeah, and that's my girlfriend Lisa uh-huh so see what I mean about the hooker and I dated her for like seven years yeah, I still talked to her and So she's that Tommy Lee in that picture Oh, yeah.Yeah.Okay.
And Pam was my friend.I was just talking about her.So Tommy Lee, P Diddy, your girlfriend, and then you.And that's me way in the back.God, I look like Willy Wonka.So you hung with P Diddy. I mean, in the back, I guess.
No, I always like to take the back, if you look at any picture of me, I'm kind of standing in the back, just for this reason.Uh-huh.So plenty of height.Because if you're like this.
Plenty of hot dudes.But now my libido's dead.Yeah, but any like freak-off type situations, orgies, threesomes, that kind of thing?
Yeah, that I wasn't interested in.You weren't?No.I always had one boyfriend or one girlfriend.Like in that picture, the only one that I loved was Lisa, the blonde girl.
For five years.Wow.That's a long run.You know, I'm pushing 60.Yeah.You knew that.Yeah, I knew that.I did the math.It's on your bio.And you got a grandkid. You love your green kid So sweet, what do you love Anastasia and just playing music?I?
Haven't I make her laugh.Oh, yeah.Yeah, what do you do?Oh?Want to pretend like you're her yeah, I will I can tell you're fake laughing, Anastasia.
Anastasia!Boom!Ow!Oh!Wah!
Wow, we should hit the stage.All right, we gotta take a quick break.Gotta take a quick break.That's the first break.That's the first break, but we'll come back with more Andy Dick.That was a long first section.I know, but time flies.
No, but that was a long one.You must like me.Yeah, yeah.Andy Dick, we'll get to more of him right after this. Hey, I'm Adam Kroll.That's Brad Williams and Jay Leno.Hey, buddy.Over there, we're doing our third annual Comedy Fantasy Camp.
That's going to be January 23rd through the 26th, right in Hollywood, California.Where else would it be?These guys are going to be there.
So remember, two out of every three comments, make it big.
Or one and a half.Do I get paid for this?Please tell me I get paid for this.Go to comedyfantasycamp.com and get in on the fun. Bioptimizers, magnesium breakthrough.
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The Adam Carolla Show presents Andy Dick's Birthday Cocktail Party for December 21st.Let's see who's invited.Let's welcome the original voice actor who played Winnie the Pooh and Tigger, Paul Winchell.
The guy who started the Today Show, Pat Weaver, is here.Here's the former football coach at Penn State, Joe Paterno. Here comes daytime television host Phil Donahue.Jane Fonda is here.Frank Zappa just walked in.From the Beach Boys, it's Carl Wilson.
Actor Barry Gordon is here.The dude, yes, dude, who sang Hot Child in the City, Nick Gilder is here.Here's tennis player Chris Everett. Everybody loves that Ray Romano is here.Here's American Olympian Florence Griffith Joyner.
Kiefer Sutherland just walked in.And last but not least, Samuel L. Jackson.Andy Dick is on the Adam Carolla Show.
Those are all the people who share your birthday, Andy.No, for real?Yes.We're not actually throwing a party. Fuck you, and now I'm done with this fucking interview.We couldn't get Jane Fonda.We couldn't get her.Well, she died, right, I thought.
Jane Fonda?Like, literally yesterday, she was whitewater rafting on the Kern River Valley.
Yeah, dude.Died.Dead.Whitewater rafting. Don't go don't hit the river Don't hit the rapids, but she wouldn't listen.I told her to oh Tried to tell her we have that we have the clip from me and loveline getting my penis looked at By Dr. Drew.
No, by a third-party doctor.Not me.I never saw your penis.No, not you.A third-party doctor?Well, I had a bet with Dr. Drew, so he couldn't do it.Sorry, go ahead. You, Marcel, have you seen this on people before?I'm not a dermatologist.
I don't go looking for warts.It doesn't look like what we were looking at, I must admit.
Now listen, you dump enough vinegar on an area and shine a black light on it, you're going to see something.But you're looking for something specific, right?I'm looking for things that sort of look like this.
All right, but let me let me let me so disappointed.Let me let me bring this up drew.Yeah, if one had this virus Wouldn't one see a proliferation of these things on the penis.I can hear just one you are Looking for one.Okay.
I know you're looking for one, but if one had By the way, what's with the talc and the lint? That's like full decoy outfit going on there.
It's like you and get a thousand tiny warts I Took a shower before I came out here tonight a rare Pre-loveline shower and dumped a rubbed my junk like it was gonna perform heart surgery smell nice Thank you.
Put a little shot of Brut down there for you.The canister of talcum powder.I did not dump talc.What was all that?That's warts.That's warts.That is not warts.
Listen, put this stuff on my hand and shine the light on it.You're going to see a certain amount of white stuff on there.A little yeasty on the peckeroo. All right.Wait, hang on.Was that when you were doing blow?That was.What do you mean?
That was some white stuff on your hand.Oh, because you jerk off.No, I don't understand.Andrew, if you have any kind of little abrasion or cut. on your hand.Right.
Even if it's not really invisible to eye and you dump this acid on it, it'll start foaming because of the blood.Just yeah.Because of the abrasion.You know what I mean?And then you shine the wood, the black light on it.
You'll see little places on your finger where there's a little micro cuts.That's what I would say.And that's the beginning of the ward for him.So that was me.You wound up having wards.No. I think I did.You think you may have had warrants?Years ago.
Looking back on it?Well, because I was just going in the fucking 70s with black lights.What the fuck?I was only 10 years old in the 70s.You exposed your penis to a lot of strange openings.True, true, true.And what's your point?
Do you have a point, officer?No, I respect that.Are you taking me on? Was being a cast member in the Ben Stiller show, is that a good experience for you?Do you remember those days?It was kind of an all-star cast, right?
We turned into all-stars.I was thinking about it today.
Janine Garofalo was in there.Bob Odenkirk, who really is doing well, except for his ball cancer. Yeah, I didn't hear about that, but... Wait, no, I think it's butt cancer.I didn't hear about that either, but anyway.It's some kind... Oh, I remember.
He got hepatitis.No, no, no, no, no. Shit, I remember now.He got a cold.But he's fine now.He took Theraflu or whatever the fuck.So back to the Ben Stiller days.Why would I go to Hepatitis?I didn't know.Alright, reel it in.Back to Ben Stiller.
It was wild.You know why?
Was that show on MTV? No, Fox.They were an up-and-coming network.ABC, NBC, CBS, and then Fox is coming up like this.What are we, are we talking about like 96 or something? I thought you were calling me 96.No, what?Yeah, I think it was.
Somewhere in there.And so you audition, you're asked to join.Then I was performing live, and I do want to get this message out.
I can hear you. Mm-hmm miles up to young people who want to do what we do Mm-hmm, because that's what they want.I mean We're lucking out and it's not luck.We worked our fucking asses off.I'm talking about me and you I Would go and perform.
I already said this at the open my nights and Ben came to the, I was doing a thing with Bob Odenkirk on stage called The Two Marilyns.Like in out, like the comedy store, the improv or something?No.Stupid coffee houses.Coffee houses, all right.
And shit that were there.Oh, January 1990 was the first episode.Of The Ben Stiller Show?Yeah.Are you pointing out all the fuck, old I am things, you know what? It is my wheelchair outside.
I'll crawl to it right now.
It was on MTV in 1990 and then it went to Fox, so we're both right, in 92, 93.No, they're messing it up.They're coming central to 95.No, all separate shows.This is when, I don't know who you're talking to.Okay, but you were on Fox.
Is this your brain over here? This is a screen that can relay information from people who have computers in the other room.Yeah, can you guys get your shit together?I'm gonna come into the control room.All right, so you're doing stuff with Odenkirk.
Do you have the ability to, if I get, I'm just asking for the future in a couple minutes.If I go into the control room, do you have the ability to turn that camera on?No, I do not.Well, that doesn't matter, I do.All right, so you,
Are working with Odenkirk on stage doing the two Maryland's?God, it was so fucking funny.And what was it?I'm Norma Jean.That was me Long-haired Norma Jean before she was Marilyn Monroe, right?It was two mirrors come out.I'd be in a
little farm dress with the long hair, and it was brown before she peroxide it.
And then we were locked arms.
And so it was, I think, me going, I'm Norma Jean.And then we'd flip around, and I'm Marilyn Monroe, which is the same person.Yes.And then we'd keep flipping and flipping and flipping.Wait, was Odenkirk playing Marilyn Monroe and you were Norma Jean?
But Norma Jean is Marilyn Monroe.Yeah, I understood.Yeah, so yeah, he was all dolled up.That's what I'm saying. No, no.So are you saying he's gay?No, I'm saying you're bi.Kind of, you are.So you play Norma Jean.It's time to sing the baboon.
And Owen Kirk.How was Owen Kirk?How did you guys get this figured out? We were on, I told you, we were just showing up at the same weird coffee house thing.And it's almost like we taught each other comedy, now that I'm thinking of it.
Because I would watch him go, oh, that is so fucking funny, on such a weird level.And he'd see me, and then, I can't even remember who came up with the idea.Probably Bob.You know, Bob won an Emmy.
Mm-hmm for the show I was on Mm-hmm so bad he won an Emmy for the Ben Stiller show so bad the one I was on you're on the Ben Stiller show Yeah, and Bob won the Emmy
You're gonna try to fucking scrape my balls?What's going on?
For writing?He probably got it for writing, right?Well, he's a brilliant writer, so he deserved it, but I wouldn't have my- You know what they did, though?Yeah?At the Emmys, they brought me up on stage.Oh, they did?They really did.At the Emmys?
On camera.In like, 93 or something?No, it was 78.I don't know, maybe there's footage of that. So, okay.Let's keep on track here.I love how you have... Ben Stiller... You can find that for... You got them working.
Ben Stiller shows up and sees you and Bob.And says, I want these guys in my comedy troupe.Me.They want you.No.Not Bob.I'm not saying that.I just said they wanted me.I don't know if they wanted Bob.I mean, they obviously did.They ended up with Bob.
So, Ben comes up to you.Young Ben. I guess we're both, we're the same age, same birthday.Really?He's another one.Was he in the cocktail party, Dawson?No.Sure you have the same birthday as Ben Stiller?Why don't you talk to your boys?
Because my boy is dead and he left his phone in the car.I am talking to my boy.He just put together a comprehensive list of people who are famous who celebrated your birthday.
It says Stiller was born on November 30th.
You weren't born But same year so he's one month younger No, he's one month older than me.Yeah.All right.So let's That was erroneous information.Not for me.
I'm trying to get my brain back No, the first Ben Stiller thing that kind of broke him out him
Yes.What?He did a... The Cape Fear thing?No, he did a hustler with color money or whatever it was.He did it as Tom Cruise but with bowling.Do you know that?Joe, do you know that? You ever see that bit?Can you show us that?
Can I give you a production thing?Hold on.I think you should have a screen for your guests so we can see what you're doing.Well, you'll be able to see it up on the monitor when they find it.You do do it.
When I was installing closets in probably... Sounds like you.You were coming out of one and I was installing one. I never came out, because I never went in.Go ahead, Gar.
I was installing closets in probably would have been like 1991 or something like that.Maybe 89 or 90.And I went to a woman's house.
She was like a little bit friendly, and she lived in Topanga, and she said, I have a VHS copy of this really funny comedy thing.I know you said you liked comedy or whatever, and she popped it in. And it was Ben Stiller doing the Hustler of Money.
And it was in 87?And he was doing his Tom Cruise impersonation.Oh, yeah.But but instead of pool, it was bowling.And it aired.Oh, it made it Saturday Night Live.OK, well, let's watch a minute of it.But this is how he kind of wow.
This is the first time I saw him do anything. I have so many friends on SNL.
Some would say that winning the game requires luck.
I don't see it.And to some, luck itself is an art.We see it, we see it.
And to others, so is cheating.20 years ago, fast Eddie Felsen thought he hustled his last game.Then he met the kid.And now, he's back.Oh my God!Newman.
Cruz did oh in Martin Scorsese's the hustler of money What can I tell you mom is no, what is this you got salads you need dressing this is going my stuff This
Yeah, I saw it in someone's living room in, I don't know, 89 or something.
Oh my God.It's crazy, right? Yeah, all right just so we got it but but I mean the Filming of it.So this is from 87, right?This is from 87.I was a year out of high school when I was college when I was in school at Jimmy Kimmel's party Which one?
Was I there?No.This is like... Doing drugs with P. Diddy, which I've never done.No, I never have.He doesn't do it.I shall finish this story.Go ahead.It was probably about five years ago.I was at Jimmy's house.And I ran into Ben Stiller.
And I said, Ben... When you say ran into him, you mean your dick ran into his ass?I shall continue this story. I saw Ben and I said, you know, Ben, I saw you do the hustler of money or that send up on that as Tom Cruise.
I saw that all those years ago in the 80s.I was in someone's house installing a closet and they showed me that tape.And he looked at me and he put a big smile on his face.He's like, you saw that back then.I said, yes, I did.
And then I said, have you done anything since then? Yeah, I'm eating your words now.Yeah, I thought it was funny.I thought that was funny, right?But you really didn't know if he had done anything. Oh, you did?Because you're a brilliant writer.
When can I punch him in the fucking face?You guys are holding out on me.As soon as they all go like this, because I already got one thumbs up.If you can guess who gave me the thumbs up.You're too physical.That gets you into trouble.
It gets you into trouble.I've seen you punch your band members. Multiple times.I don't know if you're still playing music.I sing music.Yeah, I do it all the time.I can't play anything except... All right, don't go for the bag.
Let's get back to Ben Stiller's show.Where is it?Did you bring it in?Slide Whistle.See?He already fucking knew it. Did you bring it in?All right, let's keep going.Where is it?Keep it going.Come on, I need it.Keep it going.Come on, over here.
Did you bring it in?Come on.Where's the slide whistle?No, they're working, they're filming.They're filming your doc.Let's talk about your doc.When is this doc coming out?And get on the microphone.I'm right here.Ask him.What is it?
It's called the Sad Little Clown, sorry, Sad Little Angel Clown. It's gonna premiere.Do you have a place to sell this?Who that cries?Because they were messing up the... Alright, what do you want to do with it?Leave your bag alone.
Where's my slide whistle, though?Alright, it's not here.You need to get off your fucking director fat ass.Alright, Andy, come on.Reel it in.Go out to the car and get... Leave him alone.He doesn't... No one wants a slide whistle in here.
Now, for you, I don't.Now, I will not talk about your doc then.Are we talking about your doc?Talk to him?You know, can you bring him, can you?No, don't go anywhere.I want him to talk.Don't do this, no.He has a couple stories for him.
No, I want to keep going with Ben Stiller then, if that's your thing. Adam has some stories.Adam Carbone has some stories.How old were you when he met?So he sees you in Odinkirk.Let's get back to it.Keep it on track.
You're infatuated with Adam and Bob and Janine.
There was only four and me.That almost left me sad.Was that the whole cast?Just like my parents did. Would Ben write most of the stuff?I thought you said, was that the whole band?Yeah, that was the band.
What's your favorite sketch that you did? There's some good ones.Give me one with show a Ben Stiller show because remember there was also thing and Give me your favorite Andy dick.
No, we can go to the Ben Stiller show cuz we had the best fucking writers We had Emmy award-winning writers on a show.
Give me the sketch.You thought was the best Well, I loved it because... Because Ben did such a fucking good job.The Monsters.Did you see that?No, I didn't see that.Can you get that up?Cape Fear.The Monsters.Play that one.Were you in both those?What?
Were you in both those? So the original Cape Fear, which is from the 40s?No, were you in the sketches?Were you in the sketches?What the fuck do you think I'm talking about?
Well, I'm asking.I thought you were saying, you said you were in both of those.Like I'm not in the one from 1940s. I'm not that old.You keep turning me into a skeleton.You're sort of swinging in between sanity and insanity.No, I don't swing.
I'm in sanity.I'm saying.I'm in insanity.You brought up these two sketches, so I asked if you're in the sketch.
I said if you're in that.
I'm not swinging between anything.I'm not asking if you're in Cape Fear. Okay.
Well, you just said we were in both.
Really?Yes, because we're talking about sketches.Here it is.Can you just watch?Parody of Cape Fear.There's Bob Odenkirk.And I play the lawyer.
I play a small part in the real movie. I was Cape Fear and the monsters.Eddie Munster.
It.Came.Munster.What's he got on you?I was working for the network.He blames me for cancelling the monsters.
Come out, come out, wherever you are!
This guy threaten you?Yeah.But he's clever, so the law can't touch him.
I'm just saying I found your pet's collar.I'm not saying I did anything.
Wow.I did that.I directed that part where I was pushing it over.
No, I don't think you really, really understand what we're talking about here.
Ah, he's got the tattoos.Fake tattoos.But Judd Apatow wrote on that show.David Cross.
I don't know whether to look at him or go trick or treating.
Oh my God.Is that why you pulled that up?I don't know whether to look at him or go trick and treat.
She's playing Juliette Lewis.
Understood.Wow.This took a while to make, didn't it?I love that song.
It's the monsters.Now listen, I knew Grandpa Al.Yeah, you're too young.I knew him when, after he retired.All right, you can pause it now.It's very good.He must've been 98 when you knew him.No, I knew him when he was probably 55 or 60. Like me.
Spent a lot of time at his house.You nailed my... He was a very mean man.Am I?
No.Am I?I want to touch you and pet you.Yeah.But I'll let Lynette... No, she's out.Yeah, she's out.I can't forget her.I'm fucking her.All right, let's go.Who are you dating?
Why don't you talk about her a little bit?She'll be happy if you do.
Oh, yeah? Sometimes they are, but then sometimes they aren't.You've probably experienced that a little bit over the years, Andy.A little bit?Yeah.All right.But in the end, they always love it.What is her name?In the end, her name is Crystal.
All right, hold on. Let's take a break.We got one more break.I need to take a shit.You want to take a shit?On this table.I'm just kidding.I don't need to take a shit.I need to... There's a glass one in the back.Don't worry about what I need to do.
I need to smoke some pot.Oh, really?Oh, come on.We only got about 20 minutes left.Perfect.You know exactly the amount of pot I need to smoke.Do you smoke yet?No, I don't.Why not?I don't want to get high during the day.
Hang on a minute, so you do get high at night?No.Vampire.No, no, but I would, if it was at night and we're hanging out, then I would smoke pot with you.Oh, you would?Yeah.Well, I can hang around, oh.Yeah, but no, I gotta go see Harlan Williams.
I was in a movie with him a while ago. Which movie?Employee of the Month.Employee of the Month, that's right.I forgot!Dane Cook, Jessica Simpson.Well, come on, I just named half the cast Employee of the Month.Not a bad movie.Not the main cast.
Not a great movie.Do you like my shirt I bought for Jessica Simpson?
What do you think, I think that was received on, what do you think your highest rated Rotten Tomatoes movie is? Why do you go to Rotten Tomatoes?You just gave them a plug, you fuckin' dumbass.Just to get a score.Can you not do that?
Okay.Is it your company?Then I'll jump on board.What do you think Employee of the Month scored on Rotten Tomatoes?You said it.So it is, Rotten Tomatoes is your income.
You keep setting me up.All right, all right.Let's take our last break.Let's take our last break.You smoke a little reefer.Now, don't take a bunch of time, though, Andrew.Just take a piss.
I will!I'll be over here in a bunch of... All right, all right.
Don't get crazy.All right.I won't.We'll be right back after this. Think you know who's going to win the election?Or how many House or Senate seats are going to go Democrat or Republican and who's going to win?
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Well, election day is coming up.November 5th, if memory serves.And that's where sendthevote.org comes in.30% of registered voters do not turn out to vote.And only 23% of people under 30 voted in the last election.Come on, America.
Come on, youngsters.We got to do better than that. SendTheVote.org makes registering to vote very easy.It's nonpartisan.They don't care who you're voting for.They just want to ensure that you vote because you're an American.It's your civic duty.
Head over to SendTheVote.org and they'll help you sign up, register, and they'll check and make sure you're all set to go.You can also text Adam to 33022.That's 33022.To learn more, that's 80am to 33022.Don't be another no-show statistic.
Let's get it done this year at sendthevote.org slash Adam.
Celebrating 15 years of podcasting, here's a memorable moment from the Adam Carolla Show's Ace Awards archives.
Where are you at in terms of sobriety?Still motherfucking here.I'm hither and thither.Have you talked to Dr. Drew in a while?No, have you?Yeah, earlier today, actually.How's he doing?He's doing well.I'm sure he'd like to talk to you about this.
Why, does he have a show?Oh!
No.Wow.Why would he want to talk to me?
He would talk to you because he thinks of you as a friend.
He's not calling me.Have the same number for 30 fucking years.Interesting.
Now for some new memorable moments, let's get back to the Adam Carolla show.All right, Andy Dick.
In studio once again.Wait, hang on.That music that you're fading out with is owned by Disney, and you're going to be in a lot of fucking trouble.Andy.
Billions of dollars.They're going to sue the mother.Here's a question.
Well, yeah, buddy. What do you do for money these days?Well, you ain't paying me.Yeah, I mean, what, are you gigging?Are you doing live stuff?Is there work coming in?That's a really, another, this is what I love about you, faggot.
I didn't say that, no.Under my breath, my bad.I heard this is what I like about you, Adam.That's what I heard.
What do you like about me, Andy?He really is funnier than me.I swear.I love it.That you're real?You know how many people aren't?Everybody else, including the people in the room, they can hear us because they're all wearing headphones.
I'm not that real.I just sort of have questions, you know?I don't lie.
You do have a problem with being real.Yeah, I'll give you that.
But you're real in that. You're bi-curious, is that what you just said?I'm curious how you make your money.You have bills, is what I'm saying.That's what you were getting at.Okay, I'll answer that question.Don't need to.
Because everybody pays for your what?
Food.What are you looking at my hands for?Liquor.Look, you wanted a little, I can do it, why don't you just show, look, hang on a minute.
Oh look who came up.My name Dino Stamatopoulos.I'm a dinosaur.I'm a dinosaur!He's doing a hand move there.Andy, let's be coherent for a moment.Let's not be a weirdo.Yeah. You are not getting paid to do TV shows or movies.Who needs to get paid?Right.
Did you invest in an apartment building and you have passive income?Nothing.There's zero money coming in. Why do I need money?I don't understand your question.
Well, we can explore why you need money, but let's just say for food and electricity and transportation.But you said you were gonna get me food today.Right.And you did.But I am curious, what is, how is it that you're able to pay your bills?
So you're still on the buy curious thing?I'm curious, Andy.Buy curious.All right, we heard that joke and it was funny.It's not.But now it's a different time.Yeah, but what is your curiosity? I wish you could be honest with me.I am honest.
Have you seen that cabinet of curiosities?I think people who are listening would be curious how Andy Dick paid his bills in 2024.
You're looking at exactly what I'm doing now.It's like you're not understanding me.
I don't need to pay for my bills because, boy, don't have no bills.
So does somebody pay them for you?
I go into my own white man rap.Does somebody pay them for you? What bills will I have if I don't have no bills?I don't have any bills.Adam, Adam, I really don't have any bills.All right, so there's electricity.Is that hard for you to comprehend?
It's impossible for me to understand. Because of I don't Lynette and all your kids and all that because you have a no house you live in and it has water and electricity They pay for it.I I don't know who they is though.
That's what I'm asking I told you Lena my ex that I have to have other people pay and now I have to give her and then a kid with another one so they were They better fuckin' work or they ain't gonna get food.Right, right.
I ain't gonna put food in their mouth.Do you have any income yourself?Did you say Jew?Do you have any income yourself?I'm not Jewish.You're not. Do you, Andy Dick, produce any income?Now you can speak English?
Why all of a sudden, because you speak perfect English, but in that sense you said, gee.I will move on shortly, but I would be happy if you would answer the question of do you have income?Do you earn money? For what?
No, we're not gonna figure out what money.Yes for I What I don't even know what the term earns mean people give me money I will walk out of here.I walk out of your studio with 500 Can't it's people will give it to me, right?So do you not you any?
What is the last time you're on a TV show or film where they paid you tonight?Are you kidding me?Yeah.No tonight you're doing a yes or no film or TV show.I'm When do I have to show up and act mm-hmm still tonight cuz oh my ears hmm, okay?
All right, would you like not getting paid?Would you like to know what the Rotten Tomatoes score is if more employee of the month? I don't care, I didn't produce it.Well, I don't know.It's out of curiosity.I know you're buying.
20% with the critics, exquisitely low, but 53%. with the viewers, so that's higher.Here's my fucking problem.Why don't they put my name?
Oh, Zach Sheppard was in there.
Zach Sheppard, yeah.But where's my, can you scroll down?Is my name even in the fucking thing though?I bet they'll get you at some point.Well, can you, oh, you're the one controlling, can you scroll down?
No, I'm not controlling, but IMDB will have your name at some point.You might need to recast your crew.
I'm also looking down here an interesting phrase recast your crew I'm looking down here, and it said you had a beef with John Lovett's Over the death of Phil Hartman.What was that about and Rogan was on that show as well, right?
Whatever multiple with Rogan Kern River Valley mmm, so to them they were on a raft Oh, Joe's gone too?Lovett's and Joe.Oh, Lovett's!And Joe were on a rubber raft.What was the beef with Lovett's?On a raft in the current river.
Do you remember the whole Phil Hartman situation?Why do you keep, what the?I mean, that was the craziest situation ever, right? Mm-hmm for everybody involved Except Phil and Brynn because they're out of this world, right?
She should have put me in it too.She took him and then she took herself her own life Yeah, what was shot him in the head and then shot herself?Yeah, were you and we were best friends me and Phil were you currently filming news radio at that point?
Was it like he was supposed to be at work on the following Monday?Yeah, and I almost said he quit, but I guess he did.You were best friends with Phil Hartman then?Yeah.I never met him, but he seemed like a really decent guy.
Super talented, by the way.
And you were best friends.
Yeah.You don't understand how close we were.How close were you? Like, think about this.I befriended Chris Farley when we both weren't doing that well in Chicago.And so that's Second City.
And, you know, now you're maybe gonna understand.You really do like to get to the bottom of it.Yeah, well, I've always been a huge fan of Phil Hartman, and that story was crazy. But where does John Lovitz come in?
In the final chapter that doesn't even, who cares?When is he in the fucking book?Nah, cut that part out.I'm looking at your editors.Right, so you and Phil were best friends.
News radio, you know, he was so fucking cool.He was the only one, you know, the only two people besides me that were smoking pot on this which I just did by the on the set of news radio
It was me and Candy Alexander who went on to do CSI Miami.Wasn't Joe smoking back then?Nope.And he was getting down on it.He was getting down on it for smoking?I thought he liked smoking pot.Oh, he loved it.I want them to know what's going on now.
This is one of his rivals, dude.And this is why I want to fucking up him up. Do you understand what I'm saying?Not totally.But Joe wasn't down with the weed back then? Back then is the operative two words.Mm-hmm.
No, okay Yeah, but he is a in fact he was shitting on me in front of studio execs when we're at the NBC table for the table read Mm-hmm, and the execs were there.
He'd be like he's high right now Really cares if I was and but Phil now he's a big fucking pot smoking Can I say faggot on your show, or you can cut that out?You can say whatever you want.That's what I love about him.
But he didn't smoke pot back then, and you think he dropped a dime on you, is what I'm saying.He tried to.Tried to, but Phil smoked pot.But maybe he did a good job, because now he's worth 300 million or something.I like Joe.
I don't have any beef with Joe.I like him too, but only because... You just called him the F word, I guess we'll call it.Faggot?Yeah, maybe that was it.All right, but anyway... Fucker.Motherfucker.
All right, you just call him a fucker, but... Mother... I'm just asking what you think I said, because I think he misheard me.Are these working with him?All right, leave the headphones on.Well, I don't think they're working.
All right, so you're friends with Phil.Smoke pot with Phil. Yeah.I didn't.And?And Lovitz, something was up with Lovitz.
Lovitz wasn't around.Lovitz took over Phil Hartman's when Lovitz died.
I mean, Hartman died.I wish Lovitz died.You don't like Lovitz.Why not?He said I killed Phil Hartman.Oh, oh, he blames you.Yeah.Why does he blame you? Can you get to the bottom of it, Sherlock?
Well, because you were getting them high or getting them pills or something?No.He says... I'm not a fucking CVS pharmacist.I'm not a drug store guy.He says you got his wife back on drugs.But that's not true either.Why would he say that?
Because I did drugs with her.I did do drugs with her, because she gave them to me.Of course, if you have any drugs, that's why I keep asking.No, I don't have any on me.Okay.So, what's her name, Brynn?So you did drugs with Brynn.
I love how some people don't know what the fuck.You did drugs with her.Well, because, no. She did drugs.She like gave them to me.What drugs?I don't... cocaine probably back in that day.Now we're talking about 1959.So...
So Lovitz thinks you got her back on drugs, and then the drugs is what caused her to kill Phil.It's even dumber and worse than that.He was just trying to up his game.You know, where is he?Did he die on the Kern River Valley?
He was Whitewater Raft Inn.God damn it!I tell them not to do that!He was with Marshall, Will, and Holly.They were on a routine expedition. They don't, it's called Land of the Lost.These kids are too young.Put that on.Hey, Kit, hang on over here.
Can you put on Land of the Lost?They're too young, these kids.No, but they have to, they're young enough that they can get it up online.Land of the Lost, get the opening credit music for Land of the Lost and we'll buy it.
Listen, I do Funny You Should Ask at the Byron Allen Show with John Lovitz on occasion.He seems nice.Can we wait for you to upset me after we hear Land of the Lost?That'll put you back in a better mood.Will you sing with the theme?
Yeah, because I remember it.You don't.You're too young, dude.Yeah, what do I know?I just brought it up.
I just don't really have it.
on a routine expedition in the greatest earthquake ever known.A lot of facts back then.Look at the creek.It's creaking to me.
I don't remember the song.The sun didn't down a thousand feet below. Wait, let me see a little bit of who is on it.Oh and they had these They probably put more money into the animation.Yeah Let's see who the actors are.Hold on a second.
All right, go back.It said starring Wesley This guy just went with one name The dad just won is Wesley.That was his stage name was just Wesley.Like Cher?I've never seen that in that era.Well, you thought it was Cher also.Well, but Cher's Cher.
Wesley's the dad from Land of the Lost. Well, I've never seen, I mean, I never took notice that he went by one name.You noticed that today?I watched the show many times as a child, but now it's the first time that I noticed that Wesley.
Can one of my boys take it?Where's Adam?
God, he got out of the room.I need.He is an actor.Don't go anywhere.I want to take a picture of that. I don't have a phone.That's all right.Picture it in your mind.Did you get it on camera?His name was Wesley Ure.
Whip it around if you know that, Adam.Uro.Can you focus it in?And he only went by Wesley because his last name was not pronounceable. E-u-r-e.How would you pronounce that?E-u-r-e.Yuri.Yuri.I would.Okay.I think the you're like Euro.Like Europe.Yeah.
And then go with the E. Yuri.Oh, yeah.And I also knew a guy, you know.Wesley Yuri.Okay.But he went by Wesley. Now, his character name was Will Marshall, because Marshall, Will, and Holly.Marshall, Will, and Holly.
But I'm guessing this was the dad, but maybe this is not the dad.Maybe Marshall's the dad.Marshall, Will.No, he has to be the dad, because he was like the male star, like you are.You're the male star of your own show.
Thank you, but why would they say the son's name first in the song?As a publicity stunt, you're Yuri agreed to be billed simply as Wesley on Land of the Lost, although he later regretted the decision.Yeah.Mm-hmm.I've done that.Yeah?
You've regretted decisions?
I've regretted many decisions.
Andy Dick, stop the presses, has regretted a decision.Well.Now, can we find out, do you think this guy worked? And other things?Check it out.Can you get, you're the one with the crack team of fucking.Yeah.You're the one with the crack.Can you stop?
I'm not doing crack.I swear to God.Yeah.Oh, you think you really think I'm doing crack?No, but you seem, you know, altered a little.Cause I smoked.What do you do?You do pot?Any alcohol? Got something in the cup there?Oh, from my Elon Musk Starbucks?
No.Alcohol?Wait, does Elon... Elon makes the Starbucks company?He does?Well, I'm asking.No, I don't think so.Well, who makes Starbucks? Um, well, it's another guy's name.Well, why is it black?Yeah, I don't know.All right.
What else did Wesley Euro or Yuri do anything? Land of the Lost was a huge show.That must have been what we thought.
He was a panelist on the Match Game.Panelist on the Match Game.
He did an episode of Chips.Episode of Chips!Yeah, I want to do the Match Game one.Because I've been watching it lately.What else was he on?Nothing?Can we do the Match Game one?You must have done all those shows back then, right?
I wasn't the fuck alive.I was like five years old when Match Game was on.
No, no. Listen, it's seven years on days of our lives days of our lives Soap opera.
I'm not saying you were on the match game with Paul Lynn and you know the original cast.I'm saying later on they brought back Hollywood Squares, remember?Match game, win, lose, or draw.
Remember those 90s shows where they brought back all those stupid game shows and then they asked people like you and me to be in the center square or me and Dr. Drew or me and all those game shows?
I, you know, we were on the same, we were at one point, we, you don't remember this, we did a match, what, no, the thing with the squares.Hollywood squares.Yeah.Where? I wasn't the... I hope I was the center square.
No, I don't think I was the center either.And neither was I. Right.But we were on it together.The same time.Yeah.Who was the fucking center square?They had, like, Whoopi Goldberg.Maybe, like, a Gilbert Godfrey type or something.
I really do have to watch myself.In there?Mm-hmm.Yeah, I know. Oh, was Andy Dick and I on the Hollywood Squares at the same time?I have no recollection of that.Can I say crack?I mean, what can I say?And what can I not say?
A crack team is a 50s phrase.They gave you all the jokes in advance.Remember that?Who?No.You don't remember Hollywood Squares? Oh, yeah, of course they gave you all the jokes.
I thought you were saying they gave me all... There's no jokes, because nothing's a joke, Adam.Do you do any writing these days?
You know what I do-do?I just did do-do in my pants.No, no.You know what I do-do?Good microphone work.You like that?
Because I know you can hear it like I can hear it.
Get up on it for a second, in case you want to emphasize it.Just try it with me.I'm your acting coach.Get up on it and go, we'll be right back.Get up on it.Are you ready?We'll be right back.
No, you don't whisper it.
You still do the same voice.
I touch my lips to it because I hope I... Okay.We'll be right back.Well, you don't need to up your voice.
Yeah, just be like, here's me, Atom Girl.We'll be right back.But just get up on it like this, like I'm doing right now.Go.We'll be right back.
That's good.We're 70% there.Yeah, because you do a lot of VO work, right?Yes.Okay, so keep couching. I think you said Shilla there somewhere.Marshall, Will, and Holly on a routine expedition in the greatest earthquake ever known.
High on the rapids, they took their tiny raft and plunged it down a thousand feet below. To the land of the lost.To the land of the lost.This is where they're so young.
I want my kids, I want to turn to my kids and go, Dad, what do you do for a living?And I'm going to fucking sit around with high guys.They want to go to bed.Everyone wants to go to bed.According to something on my screen.No, I'm going to go see.
What, what, what?I got to go do Lovitz's show after this. I know you're fucking right there.It's funny, what a funny boy.According to the game show Fandom.com, you were never on an episode together of Hollywood Squares.Me and who?Was I ever on one?
You, Marshall, Will, or Holly were never on together. It's unbelievable that you're not smoking pot.I feel like I'm high now.Do you know I did a bit in a Kevin Smith film and played Marshall Willenholly?A federal agent.That's bullshit.
I'm not kidding.I'm looking at you guys. I don't know, Clerks 3 or whatever the fuck.I had a scene with Will Ferrell.What film was a Kevin Smith film with Will Ferrell? I played Marshall.They're making shit up.You know that.
I played Marshall Willenholland.No, they're tricking you with your dementia and Alzheimer's.They're tricking you.You weren't in that.They're fucking with me.I was cut.Three, they're fucking up with you.I was cut out of the film.
But I was in the extras and I did get- For real?Yeah.Okay.And I got an apology from Kevin Smith for cutting me out of the movie.Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.Oh.So there it was.You know, I always believe you, by the way.
I have a very hard time believing anybody except my children.Three.And then I've got these guys. The other one, the other adopted, you got adopted kids. They're the little, do you adopt kids?They're the little fingers.That seems insane to me.
They're the little fingers.Uh-huh.These are my, you know, here's what you are to me.Mm, a middle finger.All right, let me give you a plug, Andy, because this documentary, The Sad Little Angel Clown, that cried, it's gonna premiere sometime next year.
Where's Adam?On some network somewhere. and website, andydick.com.Yes.Okay.Instagram and X at andydick.I don't make any money on any of this, but I'm on it.You don't need money, bro.Exactly, bro.What are you talking black to me?I'm not talking black.
You know what?Is that a racist thing?
I'm with you.You don't need money.
He said, bro.I thought bro was a white dude thing. All right, let me ask you this one last question.What are you talking about?Don't accuse me of talking black.All right, I'm gonna be in Las Vegas tonight. Doing stand-up shows over at Skittles Club.
Get out of your fucking mind.And this is when I need to take you down.I'm not going to do it.Because we're both old.We're both old.Go to appcrawl.com for all the live shows, because I'm coming everywhere.Big Bear and Vegas.Coming everywhere?
At least, I hope you get it on your stomach.I shall be arriving everywhere.Phoenix, Solana Beach.Arriving.Yes. Oh, we have the scene.What the?What is it?I have a deleted scene.A delete?Of what?From Bill and Ted's Excellent Strike Back Adventure.
I'm not in it.I don't know, from this.Oh, are you in it?
Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly, can I speak to Agent Sid and Marty, please?
Oh, I was Agent Sid and Marty.We have to say it.He was Marshal Willenholly.You never put down that oboe, man. Holy shit.Yeah, put him through.Yo, incoming bitch boy phoner.Wait, where are you?I'm the marshal.Will and Holly?
Sid!Hey, buddy.Listen, I could really use your help on this killer case I'm working.
Oh, yeah, I'll bet.What is it this time?Beaver trouble or some kind of unauthorized marsupial trafficking?
No, no, it's not that. Say, there aren't any other people listening in, are there?No way, buddy.No way.It's just me and you here.That's just us talking.Sounds like you guys are talking to me.Look, here's the sitch.
I'm tracking down a monkey on the way to Los Angeles, and I could use some bureau backup.
Los Angeles, huh?Maybe we ought to start by staking out Clint Eastwood's place.Didn't he used to drive around with that monkey that punched people and drank beer?The orangutan.Yeah, the orangutan.No way.No way, Dunstan.Dunstan checks in.
It's a monkey movie, you retard.Jesus Christ.
Hey, you know, that's not fair.I know that I didn't make it as high up as the rest of them.
But he's the retard for watching Thompson Checks In, which, by the way, I watch.Yeah.So I'm the retard.Can you believe this thing hit the edit room floor with that kind of great thespian chop?Well, people were getting paid to edit.
Now, what do you think about this?All right, we're going home, Andy. You can go, I'm sleeping here.
Alright.Uh, the great Andy Dick.Thanks for coming by.Where's my camera?You know, I have my own fucking camera.So until next time, this is Adam saying, mahalo.
Pick up your phone and leave us a voicemail at 888-634-1744, and then get tickets to see Adam Carolla at adamcarolla.com.
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