Welcome to Brutally Anna, a podcast about finding love, losing love, and all the things we think about but don't talk about enough.
I'm your host Anna Kai aka maybe both across social media here to remind you that life can be beautiful even when it's freaking brutal.
We first got to know her humor before we ever got to know her, but these days, our guest today, Violet Benson, is unapologetically showing not only her face on social media, but her words of wisdom to those of us navigating the dating field.
She's the host of the podcast, Almost Adulting, a prolific memer on her Instagram account, Daddy Issues, and has amassed over 6 million followers across her social platforms.Here to grace us with her humor, style, and sass is Violet.
Thanks so much for being here today.
Thank you for having me.Hi.
Hi.So I get to put you in the hot seat now.
No, I'm excited.I don't know what these questions are about, but let's see if I'm a fraud.I'm kidding.I know.
Okay, so given the handle of your first account and daddy issues, I'm very curious as to whether you actually have daddy issues or what your childhood was like because you have a really interesting background.
I mean, you spent the first part of it in Russia and Israel before your family immigrated to LA.So what's your relationship with your family like and do you have daddy issues?
I definitely grew up with daddy issues.And I think, but, okay, so I definitely grew up with daddy issues.And that is where the, my Meme account came from, because I just assumed everyone else had these type of issues.
But I think a lot of people who are from immigrant families, usually, not just immigrant families, but foreign families, they can relate, I would say, like, even in Asian culture.
It's the same thing as in Eastern European cultures, where the parents are a little cold with you.
Yeah, they don't tell you they love you.No.
Yeah, you don't hear it.My mom used to tell me that, but I think I was always going over my head because there was that one person that never said it to me.But I never knew it was normal until I moved to America.
And when I was around 14 and I met, I was hanging out with one of my best friends.You've been writing the small part in my book where I was hanging out with my best friend at 14 years old and we're just talking.
And then her dad comes home and then he just comes to have a conversation with us, which already shocked me because this was not normal in my household.
So your dad would never just come and like talk to you?
My dad, well, he would come and talk to me if there was information that he needed to relay to do or something happened.OK, we're doing this or that, that type of way or something like that.That's how we would communicate.
And if I ever had, if I was ever with a friend, let's say we're walking to my living room, my dad would get up and walk out.Cause it was just, he thought, I think, well, I guess, I don't know.I'm making assumptions.
So I don't know his reality, but on my behalf, I would assume this guy hates me.But I think for him, he always felt that it was inappropriate to even be around them.Some teenage girls talking about whatever, like what does he need to be there for?
He just wanted to always separate that, you know?So like they say, church and state.
That's how my dad... My daughter's friendships are... Which, look, to be fair, makes sense, I guess, if you're coming from that background.
Yeah, and it makes sense now as an adult because I better understand him.But as a kid, I did understand.I remember some of my friend, her dad comes into the room and then he asks, my friend, how she's doing.And then he sits down to talk to her.
And I already, I'm like, why is he sitting with us?This is so weird.So I'm so confused.I'm like, am I being pranked?Like, is Ashton Kutcher coming out?Then she's like, dad, can I have some advice?And he's like, sure, honey.
And I'm like, what is happening?Like, this is so weird.She's asking for advice.And he's like, yes, he has time for this.He gives her advice.And then they get up and they hug, they kiss.And then they go, okay, thanks, dad, love you.
And then he walks out.And I remember I was just like, shocked, mouth open, jaw to the floor.And she looks at me, she's like, what's going on?Why are you, what do you look, what's going on with your face?
And I go, sorry, is that, does this happen often?She goes, what are you talking about?Me hugging my dad?And she's laughing about it.And I go, yeah, literally that.Does this always happen?And she goes, yeah, do you not hug your dad?
And I go, oh my gosh, I, I can't imagine even hugging my dad.I feel like if I tried to hug him, he'd be like, ew, what are you doing?Get off me.Right.Because we just didn't have that contact.
Or maybe he thought it was inappropriate, or I don't know.
Well, as a kid, you don't know.
Yeah, you just assume your dad hates you.
Yeah, but until then, I assumed that was normal.So only that moment I go, okay, so families People have different relationships with their parents because I thought everything that was going on in my family, this was how it works.
You know, my dad is the one who pays the bills and goes to work.And up until 14, I didn't grow up with my dad because he would travel away for work.And I would see him only around three months of the year, three to four months of the year.
So he was like a nice Santa Claus who comes home.
But like a stoic Santa Claus that wasn't jolly.
Well, but he brought gifts from traveling away.So that's how I knew him.So when I was 14, it was the first time we lived together.
And then we could not get along because we were getting to know each other, me as a teenager, him as a father to two girls.But I will say, so yes, I did grow up with daddy issues.But I think one thing that's really important.
And okay, I did grow up with daddy issues.And when I created my meme account, it was as a joke, daddy issues.And it was based on my alter ego.And I was writing about her as well.Because I was an accountant when I created it.And
an actual accountant, an accountant at an accounting firm.
Because there's like nicknames for accountant now, you know, like, oh, I'm an accountant.
Oh, okay.Got it.No, you were like a real CPA.
Yeah.Is that what you went to school for?So I went to school for, I have two degrees in business law and in accounting, and I was in the middle of taking my CPA exam.So that'll be your secondary degree.And I passed two and I had two left.And then I
One to do daddy issues.So then basically you have a time limit for when you're supposed to take all four exams and pass them in order to get a CPA exam.And it's 40% passing rate.People don't realize that CPAs are really, they know how to study.
That's well, I mean, I look at my taxes and I'm just like, I don't even know how to read this after you've done my taxes.So like, shout out to my CPA.He's the best because like, it's really, really difficult.
I feel like deciphering the tax code is always going to be a large book because if it wasn't, then CPAs would be out of a job. So, of course, they're going to make it as complicated as possible.I promise you it's actually not that complicated.
And I wish I could just like do a short class where I can teach everyone just how to do their taxes because it's way more simple than you think it is.
Do you do your own taxes now?
That's there we go.So at least you save that money, whatever it is.
I will gladly outsource that because I just, even if it is simple, there's just so much mental load I can handle and there's just none left, no energy left at the end of the day to deal with numbers.
No, same.I've been procrastinating with it, but I'd rather just do it.But regarding the daddy issue stuff, I want to make a quick note of that, is that although I did grow up with daddy issues and I had that,
I think anyone out there that's listening that has some type of difficult relationship with one of their parents, I want them to know that it's not the end.
Sometimes when you, when I grew up and I became older and daddy issues helped me find myself, the followers and of that account, but it made me, it gave me so much confidence that for the first time in my life, I said, you know what?
I don't care anymore if I get rejected.Cause for me, my daddy issues were the first boy that ever broke my heart quote unquote was my father.
Cause I felt not loved by him, but it was as an adult, I made the choice that my dad may not be able to change. the things that he's done, but I can change that.I can break the generational trauma.
And it was me being able to remove my ego and tell myself that like, I want him to know that I love him and I'm going to start saying it.
And even if he doesn't love me back or he doesn't say it back, even though I feel like he loves me based on his actions, at least I tried.
And then I know, because when I moved out of the house, I remember I told him like, this will be the last time you ever see me.We'll never speak again.Like that's how much, how bad our relationship used to be.And I'm,
so happy that I was able as an adult to remove aside the generational trauma.And I think the way I was able to do it, and I recommend for other people, was that I looked at my father and I tried to see the child in him.
And I was able to then look back and imagine my dad as a kid and what he went through.And when you look at your parents and you imagine them as a child, you don't really, I think any anger that you have towards them gets taken away.
Because when I saw my father as just a kid, I actually felt sorry for him.And it made me think, oh my God, I wish I could have hugged him, or kissed him, or told him that I loved him, because he never got that as a kid.
So of course, how would he know how to communicate it to me?So it made me empathize with him.And it made me realize that he showed me love in the best way he knew how.And I then was able to show him love the best way I knew how.
And I was able, since then, learn to better communicate with my emotions.I started studying it more.That's where my podcast came from as well.But I started learning more about love languages.
I started learning more about how to understand people better.My love language used to be gifts and words of affirmation, and now my love language is touch. and words of affirmation.
But a lot of times our love languages as adults is what we didn't get growing up as kids.And now for me, touch, I mean, growing up when I saw daddy issues with my ex-boyfriend, I wanted to hug him so many times and I didn't know how.
And then when he used to cheat on me, I remember when I found out he was cheating on me, I was like, oh, it must be because I don't show him enough affection.Like it's my fault. Which it's not.Of course, it's not.
That's so interesting that you decided that you were going to be the one to break that generational trauma.I mean, did you repair your relationship with your dad?I mean, how does he respond now to you hugging him?Is he— We kiss on the mouth.You do?
I kiss both of my parents on the mouth now. Wow, that's how far you've gone.Which my sister thinks is so weird.I have to say, I don't know any adults that kiss their parents on the mouth, but that's cool, girl.
I used to do it as a joke because I saw them get really weirded out and I would move in really slowly to say goodbye and they would just go, like moving away.And then I started kissing now, but like, it's not like full on.
You're not making out with your parents.I don't close my eyes and hold, you know, for six seconds on the lips.It's more like a peck.And sometimes on the side of the mouth and the mouth and whatever.
But we hug when we say hi, we hug when we say goodbye.And of course, the regular other people listening, they're like, that sounds normal.But again, to me, to people like me who grew up with, without touch in the family, it's not normal.
But my sister was laughing about it the other day when we was having dinner with her and her, two friends and I told them that I kiss mom and dad on the mouth.My sister's like, you know, that's so weird.
Like normally you start as kids, you kiss your parents on the mouth and then it progresses, you know, it just stays like that.So you're used to it as adults.I've never heard of someone start doing that when you're already an adult.
And I'm like, yeah, well, that's me.
You were like, I'm the reason that we have this relationship now with mom and dad anyway.So, I mean, that's interesting.You kind of just went to like the full opposite side of what you grew up with.
But it's not like, it didn't start because I started trying to kiss my dad in the mouth.That's not how I fixed the relationship.
There's no incest here.It's just more, you were, it's almost like you forgave him.
Yeah and that is something that you have to do and I think that's where the struggle is.
A lot of us look at relationships with family or I think, here it is, a lot of times we are so desperate to fix romantic relationships or even relationships with our friends and we take for granted the people that are around us all the time, sometimes including partners actually.
And we don't realize that one day they could be gone.And when I finally sat with myself and realized that my dad, my parents could be gone tomorrow because we have a last moment with every person we meet in our lives, a last moment.
And when you realize thoughts like that, you realize how precious life is.So I realized that I don't know how much, my dad right now is in his 70s. So I don't know how much longer I have with my parents.
And also tomorrow I could get hit by a car, struck by lightning, who knows?So I wanted to try.And the way I tried it was very small steps because I too was still not comfortable.I was teaching myself at the same time as I was teaching my father.
So it was more when he would call me to say some business or whatever it is.And I would just say, wait, Dad, one second.He goes, Что means what in Russian.I go, love you, and it's just hang up right away.
So I had to accept the rejection, not take it personally.So you literally have to remove your ego.And this is why a lot of times people remain apart because they go, well, why should I?Right.
So I think sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture.
You really had to be the bigger person in that situation.
because it's easier when you're younger to change and to mold yourself.It's harder as you get older to change your ways or your habits.
I still, I would say, I've noticed paying attention that even though I don't take things personally from other people, I still feel like a kid with my parents where I take things so personally and sometimes I have to catch myself.
Like the other day we were somewhere for my nephew's birthday and my dad made some joke in Russian and I didn't really understand it and the people around us laughed and right away I was just like...
Wow, at my expense and I got up and I went to my mom and I said, dad just made a joke at my expense.Like he's treating me like I'm stupid or something.And then I, when I sat back down, I wouldn't speak to him.
Cause I was so angry and I realized like, whoa, my reactions is just completely goes back to my old self and I have to catch myself.
Right.I mean, it's very hard to break out of, I don't have daddy issues, but I have issues from childhood that I still catch myself feeling like I don't belong somewhere.
Because I had a great relationship with my parents growing up, still have a really close relationship with them, but we were immigrants just like you were. And we grew up in a really homogenous, predominantly white area.
And I never felt like I belonged and I was bullied.And I know I read that you were bullied and that's why you're such an advocate for anti-bullying.
But I think it's interesting because even though when I was dating in my 20s, I knew I'm not that kid anymore.I fit in.I'm in New York City, the most diverse place in the world.
There was still a part of me that was dating from that position of weakness, just wishing people would like me and accept me.And that translates to dating.And I think that's why everybody has to figure out their childhood shit.And maybe you're not.
Maybe your childhood was fine.It's like not everybody has trauma, but I certainly did.
It's like everybody needs to figure that out before they go find a partner because so much of my dating crap that I dealt with in my 20s was trying to find a guy to make up for everything that happened when I was 10 years old, when it didn't really matter anymore.
I'm not that person.And it's like the same thing with you.It's like, you know, it's an active practice and it never goes away.Like you still to this day, even though you've come
so far in your relationship with your parents still to catch yourself not being offended by something they say that's, you know, really probably fairly innocuous.It's probably not that offensive.And also, you know, it's like family.
It feels it's it's an immediate because it's my nervous system because we all have nervous system.And in that moment, my nervous system was dysregulated because our
nervous system catches things so quickly and it programs and it goes, what does this moment remind me of?Okay, this happened when I was six years old, this happened, I got offended.And immediately, boom, how dare he?
He wants to make me look stupid in front of everyone.No, he wasn't.I forget, my dad is socially awkward.He has no friends and he didn't know what to do and he made some joke, silly joke, and it fell to me on my expense.
But then then I look at my dad and I just feel bad, like poor guy, like I'm going to ruin his day when he already feels uncomfortable.
That's but that's a very. interesting thing to have to take a step outside of yourself.And it's like, so I think that's where a lot of people, like you said, get stuck because they're unable to see life from somebody else's viewpoint.
They just see it from their own viewpoint.
And I think as adults with relationships with our parents, it's really important to realize that you need to love people in the way that they want to be loved, you know, and not the way that you think they should be loved.
And that's where it's hard because a lot of us assume, well, they should know.Yeah.They've known me for long enough.They should know.First of all, we're all constantly changing.
So you may not even realize that the way you accept love is constantly changing.
But instead of when you say things like people should know, whether it's my partner or my parents and so on, then you are then accidentally, subconsciously setting them up for failure.
If there's a certain way that you need to be loved, ask people how you want to be loved. And then if they don't deliver in that way, then fine.
Then you can knock them down or say, you know what, I gave you an opportunity to love me this way and you didn't because now you know they're not trying.
But unless you're asking people how to love you and you're telling them, then I think you need to keep your expectations lower because you're just setting yourself up for failure.
Yeah, and I think that's how that's kind of where the love languages comes from.And I feel like that's something that's kind of new.I don't remember in our 20s, like really people talking about what's your love language.
But I think it's so important because I have a girlfriend who also she was like, you know, I don't like stuff basically, but I like time.You know, I like acts of service, I think.
And it's like she was dating a guy who didn't know how to show love through acts of service. but would buy her a lot of nice stuff.And she's like, I don't care.I don't care about any of this.
For me, I need you to be there for me when I'm having a bad day.And if I need you to come home an hour earlier from work because I need to talk to you about something, I want you to be there for me.I don't want to feel like you're buying me off.
Whereas somebody else would be like, I don't really care about acts of service.I want gifts.And so what do you think
Because I think so often, and I'm sure you get this question, I get questions from people who are like, my love language is so different than my boyfriend's love language.And we're so great together in so many ways, but we have this mismatch.
Do you think that can be bridged?Or do you think that's just something that cannot be overcome and you should find somebody that has.
That's so silly.I definitely think, that's almost like saying, well, I'm a Scorpio and he's a Gemini.So do you think it will ever work out between us?Because our zodiac signs are not compatible.And if you just only follow that, that'll be silly.
I think love languages were invented.Sure, we can follow it, but it's not the Bible and the so of all and if we have different love languages, it doesn't work out.The reason love languages were invented in order to simplify are human behaviors.
So they try to put into words things that other people were not able to put into words.So then you're kind of like, oh yeah, I like that.But I would say a lot of us are still really mismatched and mixed up with various love languages.
It's not just one.And our love languages change as we get older.So I would say it's harder to change our habits.So it's something that both partners have to put in a little extra work because it doesn't come naturally for them.But I think
It makes me sad though when I hear...
when there's a mismatch, because I feel that I've seen before videos when they talk about people who give gifts as their love language, and they bring them down by saying, oh, you can't just buy my love, words like that, or it's so materialistic, when in reality, what if that person, the first moment they make any money, they just really wanna treat their partner or their family or their loved ones, because they rather put them first before them.
And because I know when I was younger and I didn't know how to express love languages in any other way, the minute I had, and I grew up poor, the minute I had any money in my bank account, like the first thing I did was because my boyfriend was really rich, I spent
whatever money I made from tutoring, I used to tutor math, whatever money I made on like buying him like a nice wallet for his birthday.And he luckily really appreciated that.
But I and I still now when I became Daddy Issues, my first huge paycheck, I bought my mom a Chanel bag because my mom has never had anything designer and I at this point didn't have anything Chanel and I would never spend
at that point, loads of money on a bag.But the first person I wanted to spend that money on was my mother, like before me.
That's like, and that's so, that's also very much an immigrant kid thing, I think.And that it doesn't matter whether you're Russian, Chinese or whatever.I hear that so much.
And like, you know, I know my dream growing up because we never had a house until I was a lot older.I remember fantasizing about as a kid being able to buy my parents a house.Like, oh, what if I like,
You know, I mean, back then I was like, what if I became like a Disney Channel star and I was on a TV show and then one day I could buy my parents a house?
And I told my dad one day, I was like, oh, if I ever, you know, make a lot of money or, you know, I was like watching Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera on the Mickey Mouse Club and I could never sing like that or perform like that.
But I was thinking, you know, if I ever like hit it like that and really was able to make money as a kid, I would buy my dad a country club membership.And I told him that.And so he still jokes about that today.
He's like, remember, you told me you'd buy me a country club membership and now I can.I was like, Dad, I'll buy you a country club membership.He's like, I don't care about golf anymore.
That's so funny.My parents don't like it when I buy them stuff.
Yeah.I always have to say, oh, I bought it on my American Express points or I bought this on sale.So things like that.But it still makes me happy.But I I can understand the love language part, but again, it's just them having to work through it.
And once you understand your partner's love language, even though you understand, like, here's an example.My sister's husband, his acts of, uh, the way he shows love is acts of service.
And when I was, when I bought my house, he kept trying to help me out with the house. I just don't really care for access service.So I was just like, what's his deal?Why is he constantly reaching out about this paperwork and this paperwork?
I'm so overwhelmed, I don't care.Or he would call me to explain me the paperwork for 30 minutes, an hour.
And you're like, what is going on?You thought he was probably very overbearing.
I just didn't understand the point of it, because that's also not how I process information.I don't process information verbally, I process information visually.So I didn't understand until it hit me.
Oh, he's showing me that he cares about me because he loves my sister so much.And my parents probably feel worried that I'm by my house alone and I don't have a husband, you know, to protect me at night.They probably want him to take care of me.
And that's what he's trying to do.He's showing me that he loves me. And when I processed, I was like, oh, okay.So then I was like, oh my God, thank you so much for helping me.
And even though I didn't fully need it, once I understood that it came from love, I did start to appreciate it more.And another great example I would say with my sister, during the pandemic,
It was the first time that my, my sister and I are best friends.And during the pandemic, it was the first time my sister and I couldn't see each other.Where does she live?She lives in the Valley.I live in LA.
She lives in LA as well, but we live like 10 miles apart from each other.But during the pandemic.
We were quarantined.So we were trying to keep it, you know, properly.And she has kids and everything like that.And I don't want to, so we couldn't see each other.And I thought everything was going well.Cause I, see pictures of her.
I am like, oh my God, you're so beautiful.Oh, what's going on with your work?Oh, you're killing it.Love it.Sometimes send her the texts.Sometimes I send gifts to her house, to her kids.And then one day out of nowhere, she just goes off on me.
And she's just like, you're so, you don't give a shit about me.You're so narcissistic.All you care about is looks.And like, I don't know. materialistic things.You're so materialistic.You're so narcissistic.
And of course, immediately I want to be offended.But then I took a step back since I have been, you know, studying all these things.And I do want to better understand people, including my sister.
I love her because a lot of times we just only focus love languages on partners.But this is for everyone.And I thought, wait, where is this coming from?Obviously, she's saying mean things, but it's coming from pain.
Because anger stems from other emotions.And I tried to understand.I said, wait, Karen.That's her name, unfortunately.I feel so bad. Yeah, sucks.That's her name.I said, Karen, what's your love language?And she's like, what are you talking about?
Who cares?And I go, please, just do this test really quick.Let me send you a link.Let me see what your love languages are.
She's like super pissed off at you and like, let me send you a link.That would probably set me off more.Well, no.
When she went off on me, my immediate instinct is to shut down.So I actually completely don't communicate.Once you go off on me or I feel overwhelmed, I will just go quiet.
So that will actually make us separate even more, because we communicate so differently, her and I. So I first shut down, and a day or two later, instead of ignoring her, I said, wait, what's your love language?
And then she took the test, and I find out her love language is touch and quality time, which are the two things we're not able to do right now.My love language was words of affirmation and gifts.
So that's when I realized, because when she was like, you don't care about me and I go, and I'm thinking, all I keep doing is showing her how much I love her.And I realized is because sometimes I would take a few days to respond to her texts.
And for her, that was like the closest thing she could get right now to quality time with me.So when I'm not picking up her calls or not responding to her texts immediately, she feels unloved.
And then when I go, oh my God, you look so beautiful today.Or like, tell me about your job.You're killing it.She's like, some empty words, like, you're such a fucking narcissist, sorry for swearing.
And I understood, and I'm like, oh my God, okay, that's not how I love, but I'm gonna make an effort because I love my sister.I want my sister to feel loved.It hurts me to know that she doesn't feel loved by me.Like, that sucks.
And in that moment, I also realized I'm going to also teach her how to love me better.Because when she went off on me, my immediate instinct was to say, well, you don't make me feel loved.You don't do this.You don't do that.
Because she sometimes makes me feel unloved as well, because we have different love languages.And I made an effort where on my phone, it's always on do not disturb.But with my sister and my family and my agents, they're able to
the texts and calls go to my phone immediately.And I made it a habit.Like I get anxiety from texting, but I've worked through it and I'm with my sister and I made a habit.Like I respond to her texts immediately.I check in with her.
I make sure to see her more often so she can feel loved by me.Even though for me, quality time is not as important.
What's your, so how has she changed to show you?
So she gives me words of affirmation more and I mean that's really what I needed from her the most.
That's so great.And so she really kind of shifted.
I mean, that's so mature of you to really look into why you're feeling the way you do as opposed to just like, I'm feeling like this and blaming it on somebody else because I think that's so easy to do because it's like, you know, you went off on me.
I don't know why for no reason.And I think if everybody took a step back in any sort of conflict, whether it was with family members, friends, or a relationship and said, It is coming.
Any negative emotion is usually coming from a place of pain and understanding where that pain comes from.I think we could bridge a lot more gaps.
Yeah, it's so easy, obviously, to immediately think, well, this makes me feel this way, blah, blah.But then you're just completely rejecting and disassociating from what the person in front of you is feeling.
And I think if you ask yourself, what is my goal here?Because a lot of times we don't.And a lot of times for me, I just want to express how I'm feeling, and then I shut down.But then if my goal is to love this person,
Or if my goal is to grow with this person, my goal is to stay together with my partner, then why am I fighting to come apart?
Right.I mean, you said before, and I love this quote that you said, is your perspective can be your superpower in overcoming so many of life's challenges.And I feel like that's a perfect example of how
your perspective really was and is your superpower in repairing your relationship with your family that probably took a long, long time to do because it was decades of just you being used to a certain way of interacting with them.
I'm curious as to how that translated into dating, because obviously you give a lot of dating advice, but what does your own life look like in terms of dating?Like, have you had really long-term relationships?
And what did you have to overcome, basically?How did you overcome your daddy issues, and how did that translate into a relationship with a man in a romantic way?
I think it's funny because I probably don't talk about my past relationships as much and all the advice that I give, whether it's mental health or dating, it's usually based on the research and the books that I'm reading because I'm going to experts and it's less of my advice.
So sometimes when I'm giving this advice, if right now I'm not married, People may think that I've always been single, but the truth is I've always been in relationships.My longest relationship was around eight years.
So I would say I've experienced it.But that was in my 20s.So it was most of my 20s.
All of my 20s.You were with one guy for most of your 20s.
Yes.And before that, I had a really, I have three serious boyfriends.And with that guy, I mean, we were off at one point for a year and I was with someone else.And then I went back to him.
And I would say that the reason everything goes back to ground 0.0, which is how you grew up, is very important because it's habits that you develop as when you're young.
And if you don't work on yourself first, you will then be really surprised when you're going to continue attracting the same people over and over and over again, just in a different body.
Because you always have that one friend that always says, every man I date is a narcissist.Every man I date always cheats on me.I don't know why I'm always dating cheaters.And some people will say, well, that has to do with the law of attraction.
Because you talk about cheaters so much, that's all you attract.But I would say, Aside from that, which is somewhat true as well, but let's not blame the person, aside from that, is because there's a wound in you that hasn't healed.
And the reason you keep attracting the same person over and over again, just in a different body, is because your brain doesn't think with your heart.And your brain just processes loads of information, including past experiences.
So when you meet someone and you go, oh my God, This person, there's something about them.It feels familiar.Right, that is your wound happening.
It feels familiar because you've been hurt by this person before and you're just not realizing it because their face looks different from the person who hurt you, which is someone in your childhood, whoever it was.
and your brain is like ding ding ding ding okay perfect let's recreate the scenario that happened as a child and maybe this time the outcome will be different but you keep dating the same person over and over again so you actually know what the outcome is going to be and it's going to be the same disappointing outcome that you've experienced before and that's why you
relationship with a relationship with a relationship, you keep being let down and it feels familiar every time.They all keep cheating on me in the end.They all keep breaking up with me.They're always emotionally unavailable.
Right, because you've seen this movie already.You keep watching the same movie on like a rerun over and over again.
But I think we do that as people because familiarity is comfortable. even if the familiarity is detrimental to our health.Of course.And I think about that.
When I was dating, I fell madly in love with men who didn't want me because I was used to not being wanted as a kid by friends.Of course, my parents loved me and they wanted me, but I was like, well, they have to.I was like, these are my parents.
And so obviously as an adult, I take my relationship with them.That relationship is far more valuable to me than any other friendship.But as a kid, you don't think about that.
You just want to be loved and accepted by your social circle and your classmates, and I didn't have that.So I think 100% I was looking to validate my shit from childhood with the men I did.
I was like, well, this guy who's not that into me or is kind of into me, if I can make him love me, Then I will be valuable.Then I'll feel okay."And it was never about that.
And then there were guys who, you know, would want to be with me and I would kind of just be like, I don't really know like how to be with this person.
Okay, I'll tell you why that is.
I love the fact that you're bringing up that you grew up in a more healthier type of what consider quote-unquote normal family.
And you're saying... I don't know if we were normal, but we certainly... There was a lot of... Well, more loving.Yes.
And that's beautiful and amazing.And a lot of people out there also have that.And yet they still may be drawn to partners, what you were saying.
And then they're confused.But I will say, One thing to note that a lot of people can relate to whether you grew up as an immigrant and you just moved here, because I can relate to what you're saying right now.
So whether you grew up as an immigrant, you grew up in a neighborhood where people look different than what you do, or you grew up as mixed race.This is where all three of those cases will be able to relate to what you're saying is because
you start to have the mentality where you're trying to fit in, because you know you're different, so who you are is not enough.
And I felt the same way when I first moved to America, where the first person that asked me what was my name, and I had this Israeli nickname, and the girl couldn't pronounce it.
Within the first try, I said, oh, it's fine, Jennifer, because it was the first American name I could think of.And it was OK people calling me Jennifer.It was OK people calling me Jessica, because I just wanted to be a part of that.
My identity didn't matter to me. I was okay with whatever they wanted.And you experienced the same thing.That is why you had to work so hard to fit in with those people.And that's when you started dating men.
You only knew, understood now, that you felt that, you know, validation and reward when you worked hard for that.
So, did it make sense for you when someone just accepts you immediately, you're like, well, ding, ding, ding, my nervous system, I'm processing, my brain, this doesn't make sense.This is not what I'm used to, what I now equate it to love.
I have to work hard for this.So, it doesn't always have to relate to your dad or your mom not loving you.It can be the environment that you're growing up in.Your environment is what creates your habits as a child that goes into you as an adult.
It doesn't have to be just a parent. It's the environment.
I mean, doesn't it make you so – do you want kids?Yes.Okay, so doesn't all of that just make you so scared to have kids?Because my husband and I want kids, and I'm like, God damn, we were all so fucked up by our childhood.
Like, how do I protect my future son or daughter from all of that?You know?And it's – You can't.You can't.That's the thing.They have to learn on their own.And like, here's the thing, is it's like you and I – I assume you like your life right now.
I love my life.It's like, I'm so glad I'm here, but I couldn't be here with all that crap that I went through.And for people who have a perfect idyllic childhood, that doesn't mean your adulthood and life is going to be perfect.
So it's a struggle to think about that, but it's interesting because
You know, I was only able to, I don't think it's a coincidence that I met my husband when I met him because I had finally done the work on myself to feel valuable as a human without somebody validating my existence.
And by the time I met him, it was a little bit, not like I could take or leave him, but I could take or leave a man. Because I'm okay right now.I want to find a partner, but I also am okay being single.I'm really happy being alone right now."
And then when I met him, it was like, this guy's great.And he was, it was just so easy.You know, there was no, like, there were no games.I just knew he was into me.I was into him.And it was just easy.And it's always been easy.
You know, people are always like, oh, but like, what are the challenges in a long-term relationship?I'm like, life is challenging, but our relationship is not challenging.Like, we work through stuff.
But that's why it's not challenging.So I think people get confused about that because they think, well, it's supposed to be easy.The way it's easy is that both partners want to be there.Right.
And both partners want to keep showing up and both partners are communicating.The communication is what makes it easy.Right.
Did you have that with your eight-year relationship?No.Okay.
Was that a healthy relationship?No, but we both, I think we had, I would say, a trauma bonding in our own way because the guys I was really drawn to were men with daddy issues.Right.
And I think he had a lot of characteristics similar to my father with how I grew up and it was me just needing to be loved by him.And I think I was also helping kind of
Reminding him of the wound that he had with his dad because I was pretty cold as well in the relationship Like I needed the love but I didn't know how to ask for it.
So I was also cold myself So I think we were both hurting each other Because we were not able to heal ourselves and it was actually like I'm so happy that when daddy issues came around and it gave me the confidence in myself and I was able to finally walk away from the relationship and leave that and
and move on, then he was able to finally, I wasn't holding onto him anymore, and he was able to heal, find a partner that matches him so beautifully, marry his partner, have a child with them.And it's like, thank God that wasn't me.
We would have, our story was never meant to be.
marriage like our story was meant for us to you know continue experiencing the same hurt over and over again until we learned our lessons like we we were lessons for each other we weren't love oh i love that and i think that's what's it's really important in relationships it's
People think the hardest thing in relationships is to find the right person, but the hardest thing is to know when it's time to walk away.Yes, that's very true.
And you're going to keep breaking up until you find the person that's on the same page as you.It's very hard to find people who are on the same page as you at the same time.If you would have met your partner, your husband,
two years prior before you were all there with your self-love, it wouldn't have worked out.That version of you wasn't ready to date him.But the version of you two years later was ready to date him.And that's when you guys met, it made sense.
It felt easier.Both were on the same page.
Right.We were both ready for a relationship at that time.And he even said, he said, you know, if I had met you when I was 30, maybe.He was 34 when I met him. He doesn't know if he would have been ready.He was like, mentally, I wasn't in a space.
But the thing is, like, I know I don't believe in right person, wrong time.And so that's exactly a contradiction to what I just said.Do you believe in right person, wrong time?
No, I don't believe in right person, wrong time.Because again, you met that person actually exactly the time you were meant to meet them.Because again, there were meant to be a lesson.
Hello, you actually, like I said, you're meant to break up with every single person until you find the proper person for you.
So technically, that every person, it's always the right person, right time, even if it isn't your forever person.
Yeah, we love to romanticize these things.
And of course, if that's what helps you be better, because yeah, sometimes one beautiful thing that I used to say to one of my friends was, you know, maybe, maybe you guys will meet again in the future, different versions of yourselves.
And then you will be able to make it work.But that's very rare.And of course, there's always that case.We met five years later, and we worked out.
But normally, those relationships are where you dated when you were much younger, or when you dated, you parted ways, but amicably.There wasn't cheating.
There wasn't too much heartbreak.Or it was circumstantial, like one of you moved to a different country or something like that.Exactly.
So you were able to pick it up.But most of the time,
When we go through breakups, it's never a full usually it's never a clean slate and we hurt each other more and more and more And even when we think okay, I'm meeting this person as a different version of myself You can't help but suddenly accidentally turn on in your nervous system a memory of where this person hurt you and suddenly you go Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, this doesn't feel safe and they haven't even done anything to hurt you yet But you remember that they used to so I mean in the end of the day You can definitely end up with your ex again.
It's just how much pain and suffering are you willing to go through for this specific love, as if you believe that there's no other love there for you?What if I told you there's no such thing as a soulmate?Maybe there's multiple soulmates.
What if your soulmates are the people like your family members and your best friends, and you have more than one lover for each lifetime?I mean, look at people where someone their partner dies and they find someone else to love.
And they thought they'll never love again, and they find someone else to love.So you really think that your three-month situationship, you'll never find anyone after that?Come on.
But I think that's a defense mechanism.Because again, I think familiarity is comfortable.So it's like, well, if I stay in this situation, at least I know.It's the devil you know.
So at least I know how to manage this guy, even if I'm not getting what I want, as opposed to the unknown, which is scary.It's the unknown of being alone. That's the option.
And I think we need to, you know, as women just really – and this is why I'm always preaching this – is really learn to get comfortable being alone.
Because the alternative, if you're not comfortable being alone and you only feel comfortable when you're in a relationship or with somebody else, is that you're probably going to be spending your time with a lot of people and a lot of men that you don't really want to be spending your time with if you really think about it, but you're so afraid of being alone that bad company is better than no company.
And I always the tipping point for me in my 20s was a getting my career in line.So I think financial freedom for women is so important.Because you and I were certainly raised I think now Gen Z is very different.
But like millennials, we were kind of on the cusp of like, I don't think we were taught to have strong female ideals and to go crush it in our careers.Nowadays, we are, but the Disney princesses that we grew up with were still very patriarchal.
Your life begins when you meet a man.We didn't have Moana and all these badass examples in growing up. to teach us that we could be independent.But I think in terms of for me, I say to everybody, they should get comfortable going out to eat alone.
That for some reason to me, like was just like such a great thing, learning how to do and like really enjoying dining alone and not just like going somewhere where it's like expected
that you would dine alone, like going to a Sweetgreen and being like, you know, take out, like go to an actual sit-down restaurant where you're being served and dining alone.
Because there is something really freeing about learning how to exist in a public space alone without looking at your phone.You know, you can look at your phone.I'm not saying you just have to sit there in silence, but not feeling outside.
You're staring at the other couple, like, hey, can you remove this woman?She's freaking me out.She's ruining our date.It's our anniversary, and I just...
I feel like I'm learning how to be alone.Don't mind me.Don't mind me.Don't mind me.I'm just tired of this one influencer talk about.
You know, it's like I agree, you know, learn how to be alone and learn how to be okay being alone without somebody else needing to validate your existence.
I definitely agree.When I was 14, my dad talked to me that day.He told me with his, just imagine a Russian, a thick Russian accent, which I can't mimic right now.
And he said, Violetta, one day you're going to grow up and your looks will fade and you will not be beautiful anymore.Your husband will leave you, will cheat on you and leave you and leave you with nothing.
So you better think smart and you better think now.You better get an education.You better get a good job. And I was like, uh, okay, what's for dinner?But it stuck with me.
And then when I've said this advice before, they said, well, is your dad, so your dad was cheating on your mom?No, he meant one day you're gonna grow older and your looks will fade, which is true, looks are not forever.
And your husband may cheat on you and leave you, and may leave you with nothing.And I never understood what he meant by that, because my dad never cheated on my mother, I don't think, unless I have a step.
kid, a stepbrother, sister in China, because that's where he was a lot, then, you know, hit me up, let me know.I'd love to meet my... but it had nothing to do with that.
He was preparing me and my sister for the worst, and he wanted us to be financially independent.
When I turned 18, my mom revealed a big secret that I never knew, because my dad made her promise to wait until I was 18, because that's how much they would try to coddle me in some ways.
When I turned 18, my mom said, Violetta, I had a husband before your dad.And I was like, excuse me?Who are you?What?And that's when I found out my mother married her first love.She lost her virginity to this man.
They were together married for five years.He was a beautiful, tall, beautiful, handsome Jewish Russian doctor in Russia.And this is also back then during communism.And They married and they were together.
And then one day she was cleaning the house and she found love letters from another woman, from a nurse in the hospital.
And she realized that her husband, the love of her life, the man she saved herself for, the man who was meant to save her, because my mom didn't really grow up with a family.So she always wanted a family of her own.
And she found out that she's not gonna have that dream that she wanted.And she was 29 at this point.And as a Jew in Russia during communism, That's already really hard life in general.
Probably harder for my dad, because he's a brown-skinned Jewish person in Russia.My mom looks like me, so it's a little easier.But anyway, she confronted her husband, and he said, well, what are you going to do?Are you going to leave me?
Who's going to marry you now?You're used goods.You're a Jew in Russia and 29 years old.You might as well just stay with me.No one's going to want to take you now.And he literally said, you're used goods. And she said, too bad, so sad, I'm out.
Because my mother has always been very just, this is what I have to do.And I really look up to her with how she makes her decisions.
That's amazing, because she really did not have a culture and anybody to support her in that decision.
She's so strong.And she not only left him, but she moved to a different This was in Belarus, where she's from, and she moved to Russia.This is during the Soviet Union, so it was like loads of countries under one.
But back then, I mean, now, never mind.Now it's also two different countries. So yeah, she moved from Belarus to Russia, and that's where she met my dad.And how did she meet my dad?I'll tell you.It's hilarious.
Basically, she moved to a whole new country.She was sick of men.She's not going to date anyone.And she said, you know what?If I'm going to be used goods, I'm not going to be anyone 29, then so be it.I'd rather be alone than be with a cheater.
Because she knew I will never be able to be sane again.I will live in misery.So I might as well just be alone.
She chose her peace over companionship.
She chose her peace over the fairy tale that she was told.Right.Because she lost her mother when she was 13 to stomach cancer.And she had two other siblings.And her father met another woman.And the woman had other kids.
And she said, well, I already have my own kids.I don't want yours.Leave them.And he said, OK, because Russia.And so she didn't have anyone.So she always wanted that fairy tale.And she got it, and it wasn't what
The dream that she bought was not... It wasn't real.The dream, it wasn't what they sold to her.Right.Whatever it was.She bought it, obviously, at a discount.I forgot the saying.
But when she moved to a new town, she was so sick of men, and this girl came up to her and she said, girl, I want to set you up with the perfect guy.He's tall, he's handsome.My mom said, listen, I am done with tall, handsome men.
What about his friend, which was my dad? Short and not handsome?To her.I think my dad, I look at old pictures, my dad was really handsome to me because I love him.But based on what she did before, he was the complete opposite.
My dad isn't an inch shorter than my mom, but he was a great provider.And guess what my dad's story is?He was with a woman living with her for five years. She should have figured after the first year that my dad was not planning on marrying her.
But they were living for five years, no ring, no nothing.Then they broke up.She used to break up with him hoping that he'll get the hint and propose.They broke up.He met my mom.Guess how long it took him to propose to my mother?
My dad proposed to my mother after a month.And like all men, it doesn't matter how much they love you.All men, whether it's in the beginning relation, the middle of the relationship, they will have that hesitation moment.
My freedom is getting taken away from me.And even though my dad is the one that proposed to my mom, my mom didn't even really like him at the beginning.She was like, he seems like a good provider.Okay, we can have kids.She thought more of a
He was like the logical choice.Exactly.And my dad, the first month of them dating together, they were at his apartment, whatever.And he goes, I don't know.Like, what if we rushed into this?What if I made a mistake?
Like, do you think we went too fast?Should we slow down?And he's talking.He doesn't hear my mom speaking.And he turns around and he sees my mother just quietly start packing her suitcase.And he goes, what are you doing?And she goes, well,
You said, you, we said, what if we're rushing into this?Blah, blah, blah.It seems like you have a lot to think about.I don't need to be here for this.I'm gonna head out.And he was like, what?No, please stay.
And after that, married, two kids, they're still together.So the point is, it doesn't matter how much a man loves you, they will always get those cold feet, but never,
My mom always told me, never let a man tell you twice he doesn't want you and never beg someone to stay.So if someone wants to leave, you open the door and you say, okay, go.
And it may change their minds because usually with anyone, woman or man, if you tell them, I don't know, maybe we shouldn't do this.And they say, okay, you're going to have second thoughts.
Right.Because it's like, what am I letting go here, actually?
Yeah.And that, I've always really looked up to that.Like, my mom has always been so strong.And I think growing up, I never understood how strong she was because she showed her emotions so beautifully.But like, how amazing is that?
My dad, after a month, maybe we shouldn't do this.She said, OK, goodbye.
But I think that's a perfect example of how women should literally hope is one of the worst things you can hang on to in a relationship that is not working.Because, you know, the ex that your dad dated for five years, she was hoping for the ring.
She kept hope.Five years is a long time, but I know people that have hung around the hoop with a guy for 10 years.
She was still calling after my sister.My sister was born, she was still called to house.And when I was born, she finally realized that it's done for good.
That's what it took, a baby to get into the mix?Two babies.Two babies to get into the mix.Oh, because you're younger.Oh my gosh.
Oh, and guess what my mom's ex-husband did?He married that woman he was cheating on my mom with.And then guess what happened a few years after?
Ding, ding, ding, ding.Yep.Do you think once a cheater, always a cheater?I think a lot of the time, not always, you can definitely heal from it.But a lot of the time, the person doesn't work on themselves.
Because when someone cheats, it comes from internal reasons.And they're not figuring that out.They're going to continue their patterns.
If you're trying to figure out whoever you're dating, if you're trying to figure out their future actions, all you need to do is look at their past actions.That's the best way to determine the pattern of what they're going to do to you.
So how you get him is how you lose him.There's nothing special about you that you managed to take another man from a woman's hands.If you can take my man from me, then he was never mine.Go ahead, take him.I don't want him.Good luck with that.
That's your problem now.Have fun.So are you dating somebody right now?I would say regarding dating.So I think my issue, I became too comfortable being alone.And I'm finally getting back into being like, OK, it's it would be nice to have a partner.
And I'm coming to that understanding.And I have started dating like I have started putting myself out there.But I would say now I date more logically. And it's been really cool for me to watch the process of how I've been dating.
Because normally, when I used to date a while back, when I finally started dating again, I was just enjoying that tension because I had no idea what I was looking for.I was in a relationship all my 20s, so I didn't really understand.
And I love that tension. I've noticed that now in my 30s, the way it's changed for me is that if I go on a date, I actually pay attention now.I listen.Because before it would be like, you're so beautiful.I'm not looking for anything serious.
Like, oh my God, you're so hot.Should we go out again?And all I heard was, you're so beautiful.You're so hot.Should we go out again?I'm like, he loves me.And you know, and you missed out the thing in the middle.I'm not looking for anything serious.
Or they talk about their exes.Or like, I recently went out on a date with someone where They literally mentioned a pattern to me, and my brand was like, ding, ding, ding.Oh, there's not in a way that they're a terrible person or a cheater.
I noticed a pattern.Basically, they were like, I was with this person for a year and a half, and I felt like I don't really know what I'm looking for because I'm between states right now and blah, blah.
I just couldn't give her what she needed, that commitment for me.So we broke up and I needed time to heal.But then two months later, I met this other person.
I told him, I'm not really looking for anything serious, but we ended up dating for eight months.And we just broke up two months ago.And the minute he said two months ago, I go, holy shit, I'm the next one on this list.He's repeating a pattern.
He's not paying attention to it. He's literally about to do the same thing to me.And we had a great date, sure.And then the next day, he's like, oh, can we talk?
So we FaceTime, and he goes, listen, I just want to put it out there, like right now, I don't know what I'm looking for.And I was trying so hard not to laugh, because I was so impressed with myself for paying attention.
It was like a little social experiment that you ran on that date.
It was amazing.Like, I knew it was coming, and it was happening.And I was trying not to laugh, and I go, I'll do you one better.Let's just be friends.
Because if a man tells you he doesn't know what he's looking for, you don't need to be there for that.Right.He can go ahead and search and figure that out without you there.
If you actually, A, if you want that person to ever figure out that it's you, don't be there because how can someone miss you if you're always around?But B, don't be around because they can basically It's a low effort type of relationship.
They have their foot out any moment.You yell at them, you annoy them, whatever it is.They can be like, you know what?From the beginning, I said I didn't know what I was looking for.From the beginning, I said this wasn't serious.So I'm out.
And then they don't have to feel guilty that they completely are breaking your heart. For me, it's like if you don't... Oh, and lastly, when someone tells you, I don't know what I'm looking for, they actually do know what they're looking for.
It's just not you.Not you.Like that's the one part that they do in fact are aware of, that they don't want you.Yeah, I don't know what I'm looking for, but it's definitely not you.Because you're in front of me and I still don't want that.
So, but I want people to understand, women or men, if someone's not ready for a relationship, it has nothing to do with you.You can buy them three houses, they'll say thank you, and they still won't commit to you.
If they're not ready for something, they'll never be ready until they're ready.And then whatever's in front of them, they'll date.
But just stop having these expectations that you can change them, that they'll change their mind if you're always there or you show them what amazing housewife you are and a cook.
All you show them is that you're an amazing housekeeper and maybe they'll hire you for the weekend.Like, oh, you cook and you clean?Great, so does my housekeeper.
I mean, so another part of your humor that I think is great is you have a very dry sense of humor, but you're also – Oh, yes.
And I love it, but it's also so great because you make fun of yourself a lot and you're really good at like calling yourself on your own bullshit.
And so I'm curious because I think about the stuff I did in my 20s when I was dating and I'm like, ooh, some of that stuff is real rough.What's the cringiest thing you've ever done in a relationship or on a date that you can recall?
I mean, there's so many.I'm trying to think of which one I want.Hold on, let me think.What's the cringiest thing I've done on a date?That one's silly.Oh, there's so many.Which one do I like the most?
It can be a silly one.It doesn't have to be an earth-shattering, like, pivotal moment in your just, you know, something that you were like, wow, I really should not have done that.That was not my best self.
I mean, honestly, everything that I've ever done, I find it so funny or just okay, whatever it is what it is that it doesn't actually bother me.I never think, oh, that wasn't my best self.I wish it didn't happen.Plus, now I'm in my 30s.
So I would say it's more my 20s.It was just silly things.I remember my ex and I broke up and I went on a date and I had
two drinks, and I was so intoxicated, and I started like, I get really drunk easily, because I don't really drink, and I start talking about my ex, and then by the third drink, I start crying about my ex, and then I start out, do you think he's going to take me back?
Like, what do you think?Can I show you this text?What do you think this means?And then like, that guy, surprisingly, still went for me.He still continued to date me.That's actually kind of a red flag.
On his behalf.Because guess what happened?I ended up, this is early 20s, I ended up when my ex was ready to take me back when we started talking because my ex started to get jealous.And we got back together and I completely ghosted that other guy.
So he probably needed some therapy.
Look, I was so obviously was messed up on my end, but I will say It's going to sound really bad.In no way am I trying to make this other person take fault because I was the shitty person.
But I will say when you don't show respect for yourself, other people won't show you that same respect.Where you teach people how to treat you.Exactly.You teach people how to treat you.I love that.And I think because
he continued, he put up with that.
That told me that is how I can... He'll allow this, so I'll just continue doing this.Exactly.
I mean, I think that's why women get into these relationships, five, ten years, where they're just subservient to this guy, and he just keeps treating her like that, and then all of a sudden they break up.
And, you know, then I get the question, well, why is he treating his now girlfriend so much better than he was treating me?
It's because... But also, it's because she accepted less. Sometimes you have to think about it.Sometimes when you get upset, first of all, just because now the shit is wrapped in gold doesn't mean that it's still not shit.
If the person, if you just dated someone and you guys broke up a month later and they have a girlfriend, you think they're treating that person amazing. He didn't go to therapy day and night and really just found himself.
He did ayahuasca for seven days and now he's like, I'm a new person.Sure, okay.Whatever you want to say with people that experience drugs.Okay, cool.I'm a new person maybe for a week.It takes a long time to change.
It takes a lifetime to fully stick to your habits and become a new person.So he hasn't changed.He will treat that new partner the same way.But the only reason the second person looks happy is because they're accepting less.
and they're okay with less than what you were okay with. But regardless, it's such a waste of time to focus on like, well, they're happy, it's not fair.Be thankful that you, the wrong person left you, you know?
Whenever I would be upset about a guy and I would complain to my mom with my exes, my mom was like, thank God that this person is making it so easy for you to move on.
Like imagine if this dumb ass was begging for you every single day, then you'd be stuck with someone you don't even love or is not good for you. because they won't let you go.
Like, thank God it's so much easier when someone like ghosts you or treats you like shit.
I will 100% attest to that because one of the toughest breakups I had, and I was still in love with this man when he broke up with me, and it was very much he broke up with me.
wanted to say that it was mutual because I think it made him feel better to say that we both came to this decision together.I'm like, no, you dumped me.Like you've literally dumped me and like tried to convince me.That's how I do that.
Like, why are you gaslighting me into thinking that I somehow also kind of wanted to break up with you?No, he very much dumped me. And he was like, but I still really care for you, you know, and I want to keep the door open.
I want to keep the door open.Yes.And he wanted to get dinner once a month on the anniversary of the day we met.And by the way, I'm laughing about it now because it's so ridiculous, but I allowed it to happen for a few months.
Because you're probably hoping spending time with him will remind him of what you guys had.
Yeah.And I thought it was like romantic.And we were like, I'd watched way too much of The Notebook.
And I was like, yeah, it's so romantic.
I was like, it's so romantic.He's just figuring himself out.Meanwhile, I'm watching him change his dating app profiles, because he's clearly also dating other women too.
And it was so hard for me to mentally let go of him, as opposed to the men who were like, no, I'm not that into you.I'm leaving you.I'm like, okay, well, I was into you, but you're not into me.And so it was closure.
And I think the men who don't leave us, or one foot in, one foot out, it's so much harder.And like, it's so much harder to find that closure within yourself to be like, no, I will not accept this.
But the thing is with men is that men will always leave the door open because if there's any potential for sex, They will be into it.And obviously I'm saying it half sarcastically, but that's the truth.
The man will keep the door open because he wants to have sex with you.It doesn't mean that much to him.We think, well, oh, I just slept with my ex and like he brought all these emotions back.
He's already on the dating app after you left his house and he's already swiping right and left.It doesn't mean, oh, he has no emotions for me. He loves you, he's just not in love with you.He loves you, but he wants to see what else is out there.
Is that the type of love that you're willing to accept?And I interviewed loads of men for this specific question about the door staying open.And they all said, women are the ones who have to close the door.
Women are the ones that say, okay, that's it.This will never happen again.In order for men to finally walk away.My ex who was cheating on me, A month before he proposed, guess who he texted to try to sleep with?This girl.And I said, hi, how are you?
So good to see you.Usually we used to fight with each other.So he sent me like a really rude text.And I knew that was code for us to like do what we usually do, bicker. And this time I said, oh, hope all is well, be well, wish you the best.
Cause I was just not interested.But like, you know, he was, is the door still open?No, baby.I put a brick wall over it.So it's not, you know, go, thank you.But men will always come back if you leave the door open.There's nothing romantic about that.
It's the juices in your vagina.They just want to, they just want to put their meat into something that feels nice for three seconds, three minutes.That's it.
The harsh truth for me, maybe because I'm Eastern European, but I believe the harsh truth is so much better because then you can just let go faster.Stop living in these fairy tales and you're just romanticizing someone who's not that special.
I'm not saying people are not special.We're all special to someone. humanize these people.They're not these... Everyone's flawed.And to me, the biggest flaw about the man that you're in love with is him not loving you back.
How can you look over that flaw?That's like the biggest red flag, the biggest flaw out there.If he doesn't love you back, what are you doing?
What's like the foundation of a house?
Get a cat.He won't love you either.There you go.
I think of this as the foundation of the house, you know, love and communication and trust.People are always, it's shocking to me how many times, and I've done this too in my own life, where I'm like, I, we have this great chemistry.
And first of all, fuck chemistry, because you can have chemistry with totally, completely not right for you people.I mean, like I've had wild chemistry with people that I was never meant to date more than like one or two times.
So I'll get messages where it's like, I have great chemistry with a guy, but I don't trust him because XYZ.
I just think he's- So is that great chemistry then?I know, exactly.I think we need to also understand our definitions of things. I have great chemistry with this guy, but I don't trust him.
Oh, I have great chemistry with this guy because I don't actually know him.So everything I made up in his head, in my head, the gap that I filled in of everything I don't know about him because he's so mysterious.Oh, he's not mysterious.
He just doesn't call me that often.Okay.Let me, you know, if we were more honest with ourselves, we're like, oh, it's not great chemistry.It's I made up a story about him because the reality of him is so much shittier.
than the imagination of what I pretend that he is.Oh, we have such great chemistry.There's so much sexual tension between us.It's in your head.
The mystery is because you don't know him and he doesn't want to get to know you.It's not because you have tension.
Yeah, we have great chemistry.Yeah, because he wants to have sex with you. we have great chemistry, great.What does that mean?Like, what does that mean?
Because great chemistry, my mom said, if you can't make a relationship work before the marriage, your marriage will never work out.Because when she sees my ex and I, we used to fight a lot.She said, Violeta, this is not normal.
You're not meant to fight when you're dating.Dating is a honeymoon stage the whole time, including communication and all that.Marriage is when things get hard.You've got a mortgage, you have kids, you have these real conversations.
If you can't make it through this, you'll never make it through marriage.
So what are you looking for now that you've, you know, you seem to have really come to terms with what you're looking for and what, how to be honest with yourself, what are you looking for while you date now in this new phase?
I think I've been learning.I'm learning as I go. that's A, I think I always thought you have to be so sure of yourself, or I have to heal myself 100% before I'm ready.
And now I'm realizing that's not true because you also, you get to heal yourself through dating because every person you will date, including even your current husband,
you will still suddenly have these moments where those wounds will suddenly show up, and it's up to you to catch them, to notice them.Because a lot of times when a wound shows up, we think, oh shit, I thought I healed and I didn't.
We don't realize that part of healing and being, quote unquote, healed, which will never happen, is that Part of healing is being able now to catch the wound.And now you're able to say, oh, oh, I'm reacting right now.
OK, let me stop myself and figure out how to dial this back.So that is you healing.So with the partners that I just literally started dating, it's more me now learning what I'm looking for.
But some things I definitely know that I'm looking for is someone that is sure about me. that knows what they're looking for, someone that has a stable job, and now don't romanticize things anymore.
For example, there was this guy I really liked, and I said, we have such great chemistry.Barely knew the guy.He's so mysterious.I loved how mysterious he was because he was a man of a few words.I love that about him.
And then I said, it feels so familiar.And then I said, oh, wait, it feels familiar.What if he's similar to the few last guys I dated who were somewhat of a let me save you case on my end where I can fix them, I can mold them.
And I said, there's no way that's why I'm attracted to him because he's really good looking.That's why I like him.And I said, wait, hold up.Hey, quick question. Just curious.
Um, do you and by the way, I own a house so I can ask this question and we can all have different standards what we're looking for.So don't yuck my yum.Thank you.So I said quick question.A man who's in his mid 30s.
Do you have a roommate or do you live alone?I'm just curious, I forgot to ask you that.I just wanted to see if he's pattern-wise, similar to the few last guys I dated, that I wasn't paying attention to those things.
And he said, yeah, I have roommates, let me guess, you don't.And I said, I'm so sorry, was that plural? Plural?And he goes, yeah, I have two.And I go, okay, is that like for, for like financial reasons?Or is it like for fun?
Wait, by the way, are you passionate about your job?Like suddenly I started asking him all the questions I didn't want to ask because I was like, I don't want to ruin our chemistry.
I didn't want to ruin that sexual tension and attraction, which meant I was just filling in the gaps.I didn't actually want to get to know him because I was worried.
Then if I got to know him, I would have to accept the fact that this wasn't the person I'm looking for, meaning he's a great guy, he's attractive and everything.
But in the stage that I'm at in my life looking for a provider, that is definitely what I'm looking for.That is not on the same page.He needs a few more years to get there. Now, I've gotten this question recently.I thought you were a feminist.
How can you say you're looking for a provider?Girl, what's wrong with wanting your partner to be financially stable the same as you or even if you're not financially stable?Here's one thing that women don't realize and I have to explain to them.
Sometimes women date a man And they think, oh, he's also talking to this girl, but she's a waitress and I have three degrees, so I'm so much better.Men don't view dating the same way women don't view dating like men.We both look for different things.
If men are looking, first thing they need is attraction. They can't date someone.If you ever notice women can be friends with someone then fall in love through that.Men can't do that if they're not attracted to you.
They have to be somewhat attracted to you to want to date you.So men look for attraction, and they look for
Some men will look for either a partner where financially stable like them, or a lot of men will look for a woman that makes them feel good, makes them feel loved.Like it's more how they feel, how this woman makes them feel.
And they could give a shit if you're a waitress or if you have 75 degrees.For women, we tend to look for a provider.Nothing wrong with that.If you want to be a housewife, you're looking for a provider.I have a full time job.
I'm looking for a provider.Yes, because I want to have kids and I don't want to keep working.I don't want to pop out a child and then go straight back to work.That's just my dream.
And the reason you can be a feminist and still want that is because feminism means you get to choose.That's what feminism... People just assume now feminism means that like we're gonna split everything 50-50.But no, feminism means I get to choose.
Right.Yes, I want a man that makes as much as me or more.
That was amazing.And I feel like that is the perfect way to end this really enlightening conversation.I love ending on the fact that feminism means having a choice.And I love that you are exercising your right to choose which men in L.A.
get to be in your life.So thank you so much for being here today.
Thank you so much for having me.And don't forget that the most valuable thing you have to offer is your time.So make sure you're very scarce with your time and who you give it to.That is more valuable than anything else you have.Trust me.Amen.
Okay, thanks for having me.Bye.
