This is Mikey Gilder, and you're listening to Vagabond's Heart, A Dimwood Tale.Here's what happened last time. barred antlers and twisted oaken crown, holding flaming sword within a medallion, holding a banner.
And beneath the banner, you see that it casts a shadow along the ground.And it's the shadow of the banner, but then it stretches out in multiple directions.Shadow that shapes and moves in humanoid, critteroid-looking shapes.
A wooden hut, and where fire lights. Firelight flickering from within, tiny windows.Who the fuck is coming into my house in the middle of the night?I'm sorry.Get in here, you'll catch a death in the night here.
If we get the love potion, then we can charm him easily.
Well, I suppose I am a bit peckish.I've been working all day and I have a big morning.
And I immediately step in front of Hazel, take off my other strap, and my everything just falls down in front of him.
Winnie, you keep your battle standards up.I've got a fetish for battle standards and legs that won't quit.
All of these shadows come radiating out of it, cast by the glow that's pouring the glow, a similar style to the horn and to the amulet.And you immediately dart in and you grab it.And for a split second, you see a flash.
very quickly a feathered wing shape flying away.As the ship arrives, the gate plank lowers down, and you see a cat emerge onto the deck.You now are all in your hotel room, called something. I wrote it down.It was like the... The Briny Carpenter.
The Briny Carpenter?The Briny Carpenter.You're in your rooms with the Briny Carpenter.I created a bunch of different things and you went with that one.That just happens.
And you all... We'll just say you're either in the sitting room or in the restaurant area enjoying a nice breakfast.Maybe with some delicious berries provided by either Sherry's or Harry's Berries.You don't know.They all taste the same.They don't.
And they don't at all.Market difference in quality. And you all sit as you basically are watching the... A number of patrons in this breakfast hall are poking their heads out the windows as the Marquise Eight soldiers are marching in.
The Riverfolk mercenaries have laid down their arms and they are not resisting at all as the Marquise Eight take over, but they don't seem to be particularly bothered by this.Once again, it kind of seems like Meet the New Boss, same as the old boss,
Some people are a little bit, are whispering back and forth, looking a little bit shifty.But you're all sitting enjoying your breakfast.
What are you doing?The sun is shining and the air is so crisp and the food has never tasted so sweet.I'm not going to die.I'm not going to die.Why would you die?Why are you so happy?
Because of that shifty alligator man.I can't believe he almost tricked me.I can't believe it. That's my job.
I can't believe it.It wasn't any kind of mansion.I figure it was old strews.It doesn't matter.We have the banner and that's all that matters.I'm alive.Oh, exactly right.
That's true.I've been a little worried though because of the big old spooky barn owl we saw in the trees last night.
Oh my god, we're gonna die.
Would you stop saying we're gonna die?We're not gonna die.We've been vagabonds for like a year now and we haven't died yet.Did you see that horrible creature?
I mean, he's gonna kill us.He's a cold-blooded murderer.
He's a professional.I think you've been drying into tizzy.
Do you want something more to eat?
Yeah, I've lost my appetite and I just kind of slide it towards Hazel and Gromley to like fight over it.
So, what do we have to do?
We have to meet this Viceroy and get all the credit for what we did.And then we should get going and find the last one.If he's flying back towards us, they know we're coming now.We should try to hurry if we can.
It certainly seems as though we've lost the element of surprise.
Wait, who knows what's coming?
I assume the Eerie.The Eerie!That owl guy, he's a soldier of the Eerie.
Probably a very powerful soldier, if I were to guess.
But... If they have the jump arms, they may know something about the ruin.
I'm afraid you might be right.
You don't think that there's any possibility that maybe he's just looking for friends? And he thinks maybe if he follows us around a little bit, we'd ask him to hang out?
No.No, I don't.I think it's far more likely he wants to put our heads on a plate.
Why would somebody do that?
Um, it's an intimidation tactic by one side and all to scare the other side into submission.
Why don't they just say, hey, if you don't stop, bad things are gonna happen?
Why do you gotta put somebody's head on the pole?
It might be for decoration too, like it might all be almost, um... That's a terrible decoration!It might be spooktober almost, and you might want some decorations outside your house.
Wait, Hazel, you're telling me you've never heard of the famous warmonger, Tadpole the Impaler?
You know, I've heard a lot of stories about Tadpole the Impaler.Yeah?Oh yeah.Because that seemed like something he just made up.Oh no.It's something they tell all of us little froggies when we're growing up.It's horrifying.Oh no.
I don't like it.No, you wouldn't.And guess what?He's the undead.
He can't even eat food.That's terrible.And now I feel bad for him. Oh, well, that didn't go the way I thought it was going to.
I totally ruined this for you.
It's all right.So do we actually have to meet this vice world?
We don't have to, but we should.
We should.We should claim the credit. I'm a little concerned about the balance of things, after speaking with the crows.
It appears as though we might be pushing the tide too far in one direction, and maybe it's not my concern, maybe I'm getting soft, I don't know.I just feel like we're messing with things that are beyond our comprehension.
Well, who says that they are right?Why does there have to be a balance?You know, I... I've had nothing but trouble from the Aerie.
I don't know.That's right.I don't have a good answer.
I mean, I... I don't... Personally, I don't think we need a balance at all.Often, the master of the Marquis' Acre used the relics to take over our own dimwits.
I know you feel that way, Gromley.I know.
And she could bring the Marquis herself.She could bring industry and jobs and civilization to all of these clearings.
And that's the goal, that's what we're shooting for, maybe, I don't know.But as far as I'm concerned, if we get all four relics, they won't fall in the hands of either side until we say so.
There's no one I trust more with priceless relics than myself, so I think that's a great idea.
Do we know where the Vice Roy and all that were coming?You saw her walking out to the headquarters of the Riverfolk.
So once we're done with breakfast, we should head over to the headquarters.All right.Maybe say thank you to Mr. O'Donnell.
Sure.Yeah, if we have to.All right.
Um, so I'll, I'll continue my breakfast.I want to, who is the banner?I want to get a sense of, does the banner feel like different than the other relics? Even though it's all shadowy and the other ones are like kind of bright and gleaming.
It's also glowing with the orange light.Right.You just cast the orange glow, cast the dark shadow.I would say it's pretty obvious to tell they each have kind of a separate power.Got it.They all kind of glow with like the embers of the Blazing Heart.
The one like fucks with your noggin, the other one is like trees and the other is shadows.
I hope one day my special power is TREES!
Suddenly TREES!Have you seen Two Towers?It's pretty powerful.Touche.Um... Are we ready to go?Yeah, yeah, I'm ready.
We don't have too much time, so we should try to keep it brief, but we should say goodbye, and maybe the Viceroy can put in a good word with the Marquise.
We'll let you lead the way, I suppose.
Is there any chance that you've already met this person in another time?
Yeah.You've heard of her, though.I've heard of her.Maybe we shouldn't let Gromley lead the way, then.
Kind of like the destruction that follows It's filthy with a swamp and chicken grease yeah, so I put it on I
I think you should still do a lot of the talking.And Rosie here is quite... I don't know what you're talking about.
I have heard of Rosie the Riveter, but I'm assuming that's the Rosie you mean.
Oh, well, that was quite a leap of consumption.
Well, as a frog, I have a tendency to leap.Is that what you're trying to say?
What?That's not a bad thing that you mean.
No, I didn't think it was a bad thing, but you sure said it was like a bad thing.
I didn't mean to offend anybody.No, I think that that's, yes, that's exactly who I meant.
Yeah, what does Rosie have to do with anything?It's not like Rosie's here.
You're right.Well, I'm just saying that she's very renowned in the Mocky scene.Yeah, no, probably.Sure. I'm just saying, we have some, we have some ins.And in a mechanical sense, I have plus two to my reputation role, who's the Marquis Inn.Sure.
I'm not wearing any shoes.
You, you, you gather your things.Pretty sure you're never, you're not going to head back to the briny carpenter. As you make your way to the long wooden boardwalks of Muckbeck Creek, as you turn a corner, you hear a low way like, Oh gosh!
Robbing in the middle of the night of a priceless heirloom!
Well, we should probably pick up the bass.
Oh man!Well thank goodness that shipwreck sales are gonna bring in everything that I was robbed just terribly.
Do we even still have the sandwich board?
I don't think so.I looked at the inn, because I thought maybe it would draw business out to a stand.
Walk more quickly, quick, quick.
Be a little bit more graceful.I'm ruined, but until the chipmunk comes back, that'll be fine.I didn't steal all the berries.
We run in the opposite direction, as far away from Gus as possible.
He can just sell them.It'll be okay.
I was probably the filthy eerie that robbed me.
And you hear him wailing as you leave Harry from Harry's berries behind.And then you pass, you hear a voice calling out, hey, will you sign a non-compete clause?
And then you run past, the voice fades away.
There's a lot of berries in this clearing!
I don't want any more of this, I don't want none of it!You run through and you actually know that Muckbed Creek, there's a lot of like... I have a question.
Is there a platypus who runs Perry's Berries?
You can certainly try to find that.But yes, now that's our case.
And then you hear As you as you're leaving you hear as we're leaving Harry you hear one you hear one thing well I hope that chipmunk didn't go off into the swamp and get ate up by a tadpile I hear those are terrible this time of spooktober And you eventually make your way
You make your way to the headquarters of the Riverfoe Company.You see once again the large storefront where the line, despite the early hour, is wrapping around several blocks as people are exchanging gold and clams. for a great number of goods.
As you eventually arrive, you also see, however, that there is a heavy presence of rows and rows and rows of Marquise Eight soldiers and bodyguards.As you eventually arrive, there are two Marquise Eight soldiers that basically stop your path.
And they look at you and say, who goes there?
It is I, Bromley. of New Felicia.Is it so?Is it so, Grumly?Or just regular Grumly?I think just regular Grumly.I was a deputy.Oh, damn it.I wasn't a knight or anything.Deputy?Why aren't you speaking to me, deputy boy?
Well, I'm not a deputy anymore.Even worse.It's not your purpose.We're the ones.Have you heard of vagabonds that were responsible for all this?No?
Well, you're about to.It's us.
What are you all trying to do?
The viceroy is speaking with the president!
May we join them?I'm sure that if you just send for them and tell them that we're out here, then they'll be able to clear up any misunderstanding that is currently happening presently.
Do we have anything that we could show him that wouldn't be like private information that they wouldn't want us to show? You had a few things.We have a whole box from Gene, right?Yeah, yeah.I'm sure there's probably something that you could show.
I'll take out the box.So, what about the reputation moves?When you ask for a reasonable favor based on your reputation, roll with your reputation to make something happen.
Yeah, roll a marquis aid roll.Great idea.All right.
Do it. Is this a roll that we can also hop on?
I don't know.Probably.It's a 10.Oh, we're good then.
So, let's see.On a 10 plus, they've only heard good things, are more likely to ally with you.That's when you meet someone who's important for the first time.And on a 7 to 9, you roll for reasonable favors.
Oh, it costs your back a bit.
Well, that's... So that's if you're asking for a favor.Right.When you meet with someone important for the first time who's of a faction, you roll with your reputation, which is what he did.
On a 10 plus, they've only heard good things, are more likely to ally with you.
I'll include that role for the viceroy.
Ah!I was just testing you!
Of course I've heard of the vagabonds! And then going forward, if you need to ask for help, you get an additional plus one.Oh.Ongoing when you ask them for help.Okay.But when you ask for specific help, you take a minus in your reputation.
You cash them in, basically.
What a delightful change in attitude, my friend.Thank you.
Well, you can never be too careful.
I don't know if you heard about what happened down at the Liberation Gloom. The voracious.Wait!Luke, no, no, we didn't hear anything that happened there, but if you'd like to enlighten us... Oh no!Tell us all the details!
Oh, some horrible ne'er-do-well was broken, and the alligator man that runs the business is almost dead!
Well, thank goodness, uh, vagabonds would never do anything like that.And they robbed him blind!
Wow, that is unfortunate.
But he's not dead, right?Well, not yet, at least.Well, it sounds like whoever did it didn't kill him, or maybe they just- He's clucking like a mad gator!He's clucking mad!
I certainly, uh, wouldn't hope that he were to, uh, perish untimely at all. Maybe go talk to the viceroy.All the way right here.
Yeah, I've heard of you.I was just testing you.You can never be too careful.I will lead you to the viceroy right away.
Better yet, of course.Thank you.
Let's go!And he turns and leads you.Those arrows!And yeah, he just turned into that.And he leads you through rows and rows of heavy security, not just of Marquise Eight's soldiers, but also of the mercenaries of the Riverfoe Company.
As you make your way up the familiar stairs, the various hallways to the top floor, to the large double doors to Gene O'Donnell's office, as he stops at the door very hesitantly and gives a light rap.
He opens the door and sticks his head in, he can't really quite hear what he says, and he closes it and says, Barlow, you may go in.
I've heard the Viceroy said great things, because Mr. O'Donnell has said great things. Oh, thank you.That's good news.I might take the media group aside out of your show, hopefully.Before we go in, just for a moment, please.
So what's the whole deal with the conscription thing and drafting kids?Where are we with that?
I think they've got to stop it, really.
I believe Peggy made it pretty clear that they would stop, and no more than Jean would do.Well, wait, hold on.We got the letter from the guy.The guy said that he would It's been a while.Did we come to an agreement?And we can reiterate, I suppose.
Well, she said that she would stop temporarily.
Oh, just to make sure that we did what we said, right?Yeah, she said she would stop temporarily and that once we gained the clearing form, she'd stop completely forever for sure.So we should just confirm.We'll reiterate, of course.
And we're firm on that.You know, I'm feeling a little soft this morning.
Well, regardless, we're in pretty good standing.I think that it wouldn't be too odd for us to, you know, convince them one way or the other.Hopefully.
All right.May we?Yes, of course.I had just stepped away.
You also wouldn't have my permission.
You open the door and you see the large, hefty form of Gene O'Donnell, his crumbed whiskers, with a freshly eaten sandwich on his desk.Another freshly eaten sandwich across his desk is sitting in front of a
Also a larger-than-average cat with a dark gray fur, long whiskers, large green eyes, wearing a bright, almost godly purple, like a fur robe, fur coat, as she sits across and she turns to look at you.
And Geno, with all the rings on all of his fingers, he beckons you, and he goes,
Ms.Roy, I'd like to introduce you to my friend.He's one of the vagabonds.We have Grubbly over here.
We got Books.We have Froggy.We call him Froggy from Frogtown, I think.And we got, hey, Zona.Come, this is Ms.
Yes, it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
You're the one that wants me to stop... ...seizing children!I have the same voice as the other guy!
Well, we're glad that you brought that up, because yes, that was more or less the terms of the agreement.
That's right, yeah. That's a pretty good try.
Ah, well, I didn't think you would successfully... I'm sorry.I didn't think you would successfully help us take two clearings.I was looking forward to the additional labor from strapping young men and women.
Oh, well, it's kind of a weird thing to say.
Well, now you don't need it anymore because you have very securely, you have control of ClickClock Crossing, and there's no alien presence to the south, or even down here, so it's quite, quite safe where you are now.
You shouldn't need to conscribe or draft any more than we let.
That's true, now you can send them to do learning and, you know, trades and stuff, and like, kid stuff. I don't really know, I got kicked out of my home pretty early.
But kids do stuff, right?
I'm not from around here, so.Yes, like, yard labor!
When I was a kid, I used to eat a lot of mud.Oh, they can eat mud now.And look at how I turned out.
My eyes get like really bugged out and then my tongue falls out of my mouth.
I'm picturing you like one of those squeezy toys with the eye bug and the tongue shoots out.
She looks at you and says, she kind of like clenches her purpose a little bit and says, well, the Marquise herself will be very happy that I have taken three clearings.
So even if the Eerie comes back, we may still be child soldiers, but not for a long time.
Well, that's not exactly the deal that we had.
And besides, if you keep conscribing children, then you can't use the new catchphrase that we came up with.It's called, um, Marquisette.The Dinwood, where kids can be kids.And it would be a shame to really let that marketing go to waste.
Oh, it's really got a ring to it.
I think what Hazel's trying to say is that the children are our future.
Do you feel persuaded to uphold your end of bargain?Did you do message testing for that?There was a small sample group.
Uh, focus groups we did, uh, three rounds.And a few IDIs afterwards.
Whoever would like to do it.
And you can all use your health.
Do I feel charming?I'm so charming.He is alarming how uncharming I feel.
Six, seven, eight.We're fucked.
Well, if two of us help, we can at least get a seven.I'll help.I'll help you.
What do I have to mark off?I always forget.
Exhaustion.Exhaustion.And so with this, you get the sense that she's going to, she's going to She's gonna uphold her end of the bargain, we have a sense of that.
But she's definitely worried about the power of the Eyrie and how vengeful that they're going to be.
And so if there's anything that you can do, maybe an initial clearings, or securing things, or securing the fate of the Marquise Eight, that would be a very easy way to sway her.
To give her basically, to make her rest easy, that the Eyrie aren't gonna swoop in and just take back everything and more.
For what it's worth, I would just like to go on record as saying that the Eerie don't really like any of us very much, and we don't really like them back.
So if it would put your mind at ease, we're certainly not going to turn around and just give out our help to anyone, especially the Eerie.So we are very
Clearly in the camp of the Marquis Eight, and if there's anything else that we might be able to do to help you and put your mind at ease, and especially keep the children out of contription, then we're in.
A new catchphrase for us.We're clearly against the eerie.
But maybe just don't go advertising that or they're gonna swoop in and kill us instantly, but that's neither here nor there.Remember, where kids can be kids.Or something.
Well, Mr. O'Donnell assures me that he will be able to hold a mud bed, creek, and lawn.
Do you need a lozenge?Because there's something going on with your throat.What?Do you need a lozenge or something?
Did you swallow?Do you have a hairball?Is that not okay to take in with care?Oh, no.
Oh, thank you so much. I'm so sorry.I knew there was something going on.I'm so happy.Oh, pardon me.You know, I, I just, it happens so often.I don't, uh, I don't.And she was making that exact same face.Booker is horrified.Booker is horrified.
I don't know what, I've never noticed it.I pick up the hairball and just pocket it.
Yeah, it is large and absolutely dripping and disgusting.Holy dimwit.
Well, anyway, as you can see, I'm a former member of the Marquise and they still have my loyalty.As you've heard about us, we've done some great deeds for the Marquise.And so we could,
If you disagree to stop any further conscription, all the other clearings, they do recruitments.And plenty of woodland folk would love to take up a sword for the marquise in exchange for coin and food.
Well, and I believe where we're going to next actually may be an Erie-controlled clearing, so we'd be happy to check things out for you. That's right, we're headed to Drake's Smith next.Do a little bit of reconnaissance, if you will.
I'd like to go to the beach, if we could.
That might be in the future next, Hazel, of course.
I'd burn if I'm in the sun for too long.Does all the mucus, like, shrivel up and crack?Please don't talk about my mucus in front of the cat.
I know, I know what it's like.
Well, I suppose if we have two clearings, that Two new clearings, the Marquise herself would be pleased enough that I suppose I can put aside the additional help and free labor, cheap labor, of teenagers.
That is my end of the deal, and if you are offering to be scouts for the Marquise Eight, I suppose I can reward you for what you've done for the Marquise Eight, and for the tasks you've gone to before.
Um, we certainly wouldn't say no to a reward.
There are rumors that the Eyrie are looking for something very dangerous by the coast of Drake's Mouth.
There are mysterious lizards lurking in the shadows there.They believe that there is a dragon cult.And I suppose that it's a good oddly fiction. But the Eerie are crafty, and especially when they are desperate, their talons come out.
Uh, well, we happen to be headed there, so we will investigate for you.Whatever you find, bring it back to Little Lysia.
We can do that.A booker was just saying he wants to see New Felicia.Always wanted to go.Isn't that right?
And I'd like to go home for a little bit.Or my new home, anyways.It's been a while since I've been back.So yes, we will bring it back to New Felicia.
We can deliver it to... Is there someone we should deliver it to?
Tell them you're with me.Tell them you're the vagabonds that
that we kill dissent.I will send word.And with that, I take my leave.Gene, it's been a pleasure as always.
Yes, as always, Miss Roy.You know, I read in a document once, if you enjoy life, you enjoy too, that you stop licking yourself primarily, you won't get hairballs.I mean, but, you know, that's not really my place.
Uh, you know, you're a lady, you can assign what you do with your own room and pray never mind, I'm done.
And she just huffs and scoots her chair back, and as she shuffles to the door, she turns around and does a glare.
Keep in mind, I am giving up my child soldiers for this.Please, do me even more proud.
And she turns around and walks out the door and slams it. Oh, all right.I suppose we should get going then, maybe.Bye.
Did she say something about rewards an hour later?
Oh, yeah.She's kind of like dangled it and we just checked out.I think that was the reason she asked us to go to Nucleusia afterwards, is we do the thing and then she's going to like, probably just execute us if I had to guess.You think so?Yeah.
Why are you asking me for permission?
Do you have some deep-seated issues that you need to ask a strained daughter you just met for permission to leave?Um, whatever makes you, um, yeah, sure.What was that?Was it because you thought my guys murdered, like, everyone in the clearing, huh?
Would you like a clam shrimp Reuben for dinner?Uh, only if it would offend you if I said no.It wouldn't have, but now it will.I guess I'll have the sandwich, then.
We'll take the Reuben, yes, please.That would be lovely.
Ah!A parting gift.And he makes some rubens for everyone.
And he says, you know, while you're here, just swing by the warehouse.Just the stuff in the back.More like the clearance items.Just take whatever you need.Just tell Benny and Vinny.They'll be a little irritated, but yeah, they're fine.They're fine.
And so he gives you the rubens to go.
I think I'll take my ruben to go if you don't mind.
That's why they're wrapped in this beautiful butcher's paper.
You know what kind of butcher I am. Goodbye.
To the warehouse.Goodbye.
Goodbye.And always scamper out the door.
He turns around to look out his window as you all make your way down and you're escorted by an otter mercenary and you see that as you make your way down that the guards of the Viceroy are all following her out and guiding her to her ship.
you will head down to the back warehouse of the goods, where maybe they're not the highest quality, but you could probably fully stock up and replenish all of your injury, all of your harm tracks.You mean the exhaustion?
Yeah, I would say you could stock up on supplies.A full restock.
It's a full restock, courtesy of Gene O'Donnell.The jerk.That was a nice trick.
I liked it.That was clever.It was good.
You all, you talked to Benny and Vinny a little bit, and they seem relieved that all of the shenanigans of, they seem a little bit tired, and they kind of reference like they're whispering back and forth about a heist that they did, but are not more forthcoming than that.
Um, and with that, uh, you are all escorted back out onto the streets of Muckbed Creek.Uh, and the day is yours.It's quite early.It's not even noon yet.
Uh, you're fully resupplied with all the weapons, armor, um, food, supplies, anything that you would want to pull out of your pack, uh, the others would have.
And, uh, as courtesy, as, as, as thanks for the, you saw that the, the massive chest that had not been in his office previously was absolutely brimming with gold pieces. more gold than any of you have probably seen in one place in your entire lives.
Wow.So what do you do?Well, I hate to just suggest leaving Muckbed so quickly.I haven't been home in a very, very long time, and I didn't even really have the chance to see anyone.
But maybe if the Eerie is on the way to where we think they might be, it might be best for us to get a move on.
I agree.The question is, how do we get there?
I pull out the map. And we have a couple options.We could take the river or we could go through Stickerbrush.But there's rumors of a rebellion there.
It might be nice if there's no army.It might be a more pleasant journey along the road than dealing with the woods.
Do we like, what do we know about sticker brush?Oh, I would say that, you know, the sticker brush is a mouse clearing that is, uh, almost, uh, that, you know, there, there are whispers of boars in the woods outside of sticker brush.
You don't know what kind of, people go missing. And they come back feeling pretty good.And you know that it is overgrown with brambles and thorns, and only the denizens of this place are really able to navigate it easily.
Armies aren't able to march in, even the eerie scouts aren't able to fly in and get any kind of foothold.And there are whispers of zealous rebels. that even most denizens of the forest find to be a little bit intense for them.
Do we feel that we can even, like, feasibly travel there? you could travel to potentially the clearing, whether or not... That's what I'm saying, or is it like that hard to get to?
You get a sense that it's almost kind of like a fort, and it's very heavily guarded, that it's been impenetrable for months, years, for both the Eria and the Marquisate.
And it's so remote, it's the most remote clearing in the entire Dimwood, as far as its position.
Well, as exciting as all of that sounds, it's a place I've never been before.I don't know if we necessarily want to go marching into any kind of a fortress.
If they're not particular one side or the other, and they hear that we've been heavily helping a certain faction.
You know what we could do?It's just a one-off. We get close to the edge.I take all my clothes off and start running, screaming through the entire place.You guys scoot around the side.Everyone will be drawn to me.
I die, but you make it safely the way we need to go.
We can also make it safely where we need to go without anybody dying.If we just go around.
I like that idea better, actually.
No need to valiantly sacrifice yourself on the thorns in a naked fashion.
Yeah, I hear there's a Quill War sex dungeon there.
I don't know what that is and I'm not sure that I want to ask.
If you're just trying to like say something without saying it, you can wink.
I don't have eyelids, so... I guess I've never noticed.
There is a third option.We could ask Jean to
river but it is into an eerie clearing and given what the otters just did I don't know if that's a good idea and we didn't do very well in the open water last time now with the otters with us I would feel more safe more comfortable with that option of the pretty fearsome warriors but then that weird open comment
But you know, I will say that I don't think it's fair for us to endanger more of the artists.I think if there's a way to completely avoid the quillbore sex dungeon, then we should just do that.We should head off the other way.
You keep saying that series of words in that order, and I'm not really sure what it means.And at this point, I'm almost too afraid to ask.
I read it in a document once.So, I was thinking we should take the other direction.
That's the total opposite way from Bricksmith, rather.
I'm not sure what to mean.
Can we just go through the forest and completely avoid it?It'll be a little more dangerous, but I think we should.Yeah, let's do that.
As much as I'd love to meet some of these members of the, we know they're called the Woodland Alliance.Yeah, I would say that you've heard whispers of the Woodland Alliance. See, you guys were referred talking to it up in Ribera Falls.
Right, I just didn't know if we ever actually called them.Yeah, yeah, yeah.As much as I would love to meet some of the members of the Woodland Alliance, it sounds like they're doing fantastic work.
I just, I don't know if we would be well-received with all that we've done for the Machizade.
I don't see how they'd merit that.
Um, well, I would just be worried that maybe our reputations might precede us a little.
Well, I made us all of these, and I hold out these little tabards that say, Working for the Marquise.
Um, I was thinking that we could wear these.
A beautiful gift, but I can't, we can't wear those.
But then, and I flip it around, it says, Working for the Eerie.Oh.
I don't think either of those work with these radicals. We have to lay very low.
Well, then we can just take all of our clothes off and then we're radicals too.But we're back to the first time.
We can act as pathetic peasants and go to their doors and say, oh, there's been so much violence in Muckbett Creek, we need rescue.
Yeah, and then one of them takes a knife out and stabs you in the throat and says, ha, radical.Is that what radicals do?I agree.I get that's what they do.You're right.I honestly don't know.Radical.Radical.
All I'm saying is I'm concerned about it, alright?
while drinking Capri Sun.
He flips out his Heelys and escapes away.The devil may cry.
Three globs of silver metal fly through the woods.It's very EXTREME.
Hey Boomers, do you remember Capri Sun?Silver Surfer.What was that flavor called?
I don't remember.Something similar to that. All right, so I think I will think in the woods then.
I think it's going to be a lot safer than getting my neck slit by someone on Heelys.
I agree.I don't even know what those are, but they sound very dangerous.
Yeah, I don't know, I just made it up.You could probably sell those.That's a great idea, and I just sit down where I'm at, and I start writing out a blueprint for Heelys.
To be fair, it might never happen.
Thoughts?Thoughts.All right.Thoughts.
Is that the best way?We're sure?You know what they always say, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, or in our case, a kind of crooked line that goes from one place to the other.All right.
All right, well, we should head off.Okay.As you make your way to the edge of the clearing, you know that it's swamp around this area, and then forest.You actually pass a familiar person.You see the frazzled old hare, Harry.He has a little stick.
He has two bags full with basically what you assume to be the rest of his possessions that have been stolen.Oh no!Or ransacked.
We didn't take that much.
As he begins to kind of trudge off into the marsh, he's like, well, hey, it's my one employee that I came with.By the way, we have to cut your hours to zero.
No.And just so you don't send the unions after me, I'm taking them off into the woods.
Well, I wish you a safe journey.
Well, I'm not sure it's going to be safe, but there was a bit of providence in that I woke up to a love letter from someone called BJB.
I don't really know what those initials are, but I seem to be a lady, a secret admirer.
And she said she's a man-eater for sure, but she swears she's not a cannibal.
So I'm gonna beat around in the woods and go on a pleasant date.I brought a bouquet of roses.
That sounds really nice.I'm very happy for you, Harry.
Do you bring a bouquet of chocolate-dipped berries, too?Oh, that's a... Wow, I can't believe I didn't even think about that.
You know, when you're in the business of berries for so long, you accidentally just forget all of the uses of berries, which is probably why I went out of business.
Anyway, sorry, employee, no severance pay, but the union phones won't be able to find me.Goodbye!
What the hell is wrong with these people?It's clearing.
You are hearing.E-Bell.Why?Say hi to Bridget for us.Who?This is exactly why I left this clearing in the first place.People are nuts.
Well, we're getting out, and we can be alone in the woods just how we like.
Um, if that's the case, if we're actually alone, um, I do have concerns.We may have made a promise that we can't keep to the Marquis Eight.
Whatever we find in that ruin, assuming that the, uh, Eerie doesn't get there first, we can't give it to the Marquis Eight.
Well, they don't even know what's there.We could just give them something, and then get paid, and then screw it all down.
That's a good idea, but if, uh... I guess we'd have to convince them that whatever they were looking for wasn't actually there, and there was no power for it.I mean, they know it's something powerful.
I just... We all are in agreement that we can't turn over the artifacts, the marquee tape.
Oh, no.I wasn't gonna do that.Were you gonna do that?
I don't know what we're going to do with any of these things, especially once we have all four, but... I was thinking that we could use all of them and summon the outlaw, or whatever his name is, and let him just annihilate everybody.
You think that's what's going to happen?That would be awful.We'd be unleashing hell on the entire Dimwit.
No, no, I thought we were resurrecting his soul from the ground and he was going to march in here and just overtake the land. You know that's what happens anytime you start on earth and you need all the artifacts, right?
You start summoning ancient evils and stuff.I didn't know you guys were trying to do good.
Maybe it was ancient goods.
Oh no, we're definitely summoning some kind of like horrific undead Dio or something that's gonna kill mostly everyone.
I'm kidding, it's spooktober, let's go.
Oh, I always get scared when it's time.But I do like it because people leave pumpkins outside the houses.You're not supposed to take those, Hazel.Why would they leave them outside if they didn't want me to take them?
And they even sometimes put nice little faces in there, like it's smiling, asking me to take it.
There were a lot of children that are crying all over the Dimwood. seem like a problem for me.Does it make the theft more pleasant if they're smiling?
Yeah, and sometimes they're making like a scary face like they're challenging me.And so then I take it and I say, ha!I'm not scared of you, pumpkin.
That sounds like rationalization for your horrible kleptomania.
If you leave something outside your house and it gets taken, it's your own fault.
Bromley, those were some very large words.I'm proud of you.I've learned a bit.
It's been around all you long.Well, I'm just saying.
I mean, I would say next time you see a smiling pumpkin or an angry pumpkin, instead of thinking it as a pleasant invitation or a challenge to steal something, just think, oh, that might be someone's personal property.
But why would they leave it outside?
It's decoration.Haven't you ever decorated anything?
Well, sometimes people are weird and decorate with food.
Well, then they're going to lose a pumpkin.
Well, I guess they can't secure it if it's outside their house.
So... Exactly.If they want to decorate, decorate the inside and I won't come in your house unless you make me a meal.
Well, it's just food for thought.
What if they leave the windows open and you can see the pumpkin inside right on the windowsill?
That still seems like breaking and entering to me.
No, if I didn't break nothing and it's just sitting there, it may be like... Definitely entering.No, I didn't enter nothing.I've never done that.It's just if it's on the windowsill.I have done that a lot just now.
But most of the time, most of the time, if it's on the windowsill, Like the wind!
The wind can just blow it right off the cell and so really it's more like I'm helping them to not have the pumpkins or the pies or whatever might be sitting on the cell fall down and get destroyed so I gently take it and keep it safe in my stomach or my bag for later.
That's what we call mental gymnastics.There's another big word for your company.
Write that one down.Oh, mental gymnastics.OK.And I pull out like a really sloppy notebook.Please turn right in.J-I-M.Dash.
Whatever helps you sleep at night, Hazel, that's all that matters.N-A-T.
Nothing helps me sleep better than a little pie.Better when you write to sleep.
Okay, so you are doing a travel by the woodland.By the forest.By the forest.As you trudge through the woods, you hear the loud snorting echoing through the park.The clanking of chains.
I told you I had heard that there was a quillball sex dungeon somewhere near that place.I still don't really know what that means.
I'll mark 2 decay.I will also mark 2 decay.I have never wanted you all to say it more.
I will also mark 2 decay.I'll give you a blue one.Have we all rolled it?
She has not rolled it yet.
That's what I was going to suggest.
So you guys are plus what?Plus 3.
You rolled eight?I rolled a five.
You can use the root Ts on this.If you choose to.
Let's let it ride.All right, show us the Quillmore Sex Dungeon money.Quillmore Sex Dungeon.I'm going to give me a claw for this.I was hoping for a low roll when you said you hoped that we failed it, so.
So you begin to make your way through the woods.You hear, it takes you a long time because the swamp gives way to dense, thorny forest.The underbrush gets denser and denser, thicker and thicker.
You nearly stab yourself on larger and larger thorns as you get further and further into this forest.And you have to make camp for the night several times, because it's a large forest.
And in the night, you hear the rattling of chains, the cracking of whips.You see fires off in every direction. You see off in the distance, you see what looks like through the trees.It's wood, but it's not a tree.
It almost looks like a cross, like a large wooden X. And you're not sure what it is as you continue to make your way.And you're starting to get a little spooked.You're just spooked over.But this doesn't look like Vlad Pyres.Tad Pyres.
These don't look like Tad Pyres.
And on one of these nights, You feel like you're getting lost. the dense, thorny, large thorns are interweaving above you, and you can take your time to go through.
You almost are slicing yourself and poking yourself, and you hear the loud snorting and grumbling and cheering, and the rattling of chains, the cracking of whips, and it gets louder and louder, and you can't tell in what kind of, what direction it is, and you get all turned around as you
make your way deeper and deeper and suddenly you all just stumble over a large thorny root and stumble into a small clearing as you stumble and you see firelight and all of a sudden you hear this Just a nightmare.
As you stumble into the center of this large, roaring bonfire, and all around you are hairy figures.Long, wide snouts with tusks rising up to the night sky.All of them are wearing dark black leathers. and, uh, chains all over their bodies.
And you see that there are various, uh, planks, crosses, all over, chains, and, uh, some have whips, crumps, uh, uh, paddles.
As we stumble into the clearing, I just want to be like, uh, oh, wow, I'm bleeding.The thorns were sharp.Thank goodness the dimwood doesn't have any, uh, grizzly sharks.
Oh my God, what the hell is this?
And immediately you stumble, and you see that you're surrounded, and you hear all of the noises stop, as all of the eyes of dozens of these boars that have these shaggy backs, that almost, these shaggy backs, that almost go out into porcupine quills.
Quill boars.Oh, very cool.And they are all just staring at you momentarily.
Well, it appears that we took a wrong turn by Albuquerque.We'll just be going.We'll just back up the way we came.We didn't mean to interrupt this lovely party that it looks like you're having.We certainly don't want to dampen a good time.
Have I ever seen a boar before in my life? No.Did I even think they existed before?I would say that you know that boars and bears are, you know, are the wild savage denizens, not of the common gentrified folk.
Deer are more of the mystical whispered ones.How many are there?There's probably about 20. Of all genders, all around you.
Maybe we should snort or something?
Do they seem like they heard what I even said or could understand me?
They are all just staring at you.This is probably ten seconds of silence as they're all staring at you. It's getting awkward.
Look, a dance!Do a dance or something!
Do a dance!I take my hat off and I do a little...
I tap my foot, my frog foot, to the time, trying to make some music while I do this.
And I am desperately smiling while I do this.Make a roll, whatever that is.It is a roll for seeing myself trusting fate, basically.I can use charm instead of water.
And I'm doing whatever I wanted to mark an exhaustion to help him.
No need.I'm good.I got a 14.
While he's doing this, can I just be reading the tent situation and seeing if any of the boars are like looking like they want to attack or join us?
As this happens, all of the eyes shift from all of you to Booker.
As one who has a large pot belly and a whip.
Cracks it and just... I jump back a little.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna reach into my bag.FRESH MEAT!No!
No, no, no!No, my friend, you misunderstand!I LIKE YOUR DANCE MOVES!Oh, uh, well, uh... Ah, do you, yes?
How would I speak?Um, uh, the name's, uh, Booker.Uh, it was nice to meet you.
That's your name?Have you come?
Did you get the event invite on the bulletin?
The invite on the bulletin?The bulletin in the previous clearing that we made?Yeah, it's the Fern Life bulletin!
Oh, yeah, absolutely.That's why we're here.But we can't stay for long and we just figured we'd stop by and say hi and get to know some of the great folks and the fur life and all of that good stuff.
This looks lovely, it really does, but I don't think we can stay very long.
Well, and as you see, only three of us have fur, so we don't really fit in.
That's true, that's true.No, it's fern, like with an N. Oh, fern, fern.I misspoke.
There, and there's a club, and then he, uh, I'll say, and he turns back, and then there's, uh, there's a, a sign that has, like, a little picture of a fern and says, uh, like, fern life meet up.And, uh, you see that
It looked like they were pretty aggressive, that they were all kind of closing in on those seconds.However, Booker's dance, they've all kind of led up a little bit.And you hear one's like, oh, he's pretty good.
And another one's like, oh, I got digs on you.
I'm going to kind of sneak into the underbrush for just a second and put together using the seaweed that I had, some of the clam shells and some big sticks.
And I'm going to bring out some freshly crafted, I would say probably about 10 freshly crafted whips that have clam shells on them.
No, we're not.We're not here for the party.We're just here for a delivery.Oh, special delivery.Special delivery for Fernlife.It's these new, um, clam whips.
What Peggy said?Oh, Kroll, are you surprising us by ordering us some custom specials?I didn't know you were into clamps, Kroll!And then you see Juan's like, no, I didn't order no, I didn't order no.
He goes, oh, don't be so bashful!And he lumbers up to you and he scoops it all up as he says, oh, what do we have for you?
Do you have like a fribble or something?I don't know.
He said, he said, well, what, what does he owe you?
Oh, no, nothing.We're just going to be on our way.Yeah, I'm sure you did.Nope.Absolutely nothing.We're just going to be on our way.That's why we're here.Just to drop them off.
A tip is not included though.
It tickles.It depends on what kind of tick you're planning on giving us.I think that some of the ladies would like to see you do another dance.
Well, of course, it would be my absolute best clothes on.I'm turning into that guy again.
Yeah, Booka, put this on, and I hand him.It's a clam bra tied together with some weed.
What the hell?You want me to put this on?No, don't put it on.They want it.Put it on.It's very fetching.Oh, damn it.
I, like, shimmy into the clam bra, and I take my hat off, and I... Whoo-hoo!Whoo-hoo-hoo!
safe passage through the woods.
And then after you finish, there's like a stop and all our eyes are kind of dead and they're glaring at you.And they're like, oh!
Oh, that's all?That's great!And they all kind of walk out.
You get tipped four to K, one for each of you.You get tipped, they offer you some food and some refreshments.I'm like, oh yeah, no, we meet up here about once a month.
And yeah, no, I mean, all the denizens are really afraid of us, but we're just, you know, we're just trying to have a good time.And I think it just weren't misunderstood.So here's a panty lift for Fernlife.
Well, this has been very enlightening.We appreciate the hospitality and maybe next month we'd be able to join in.
Yeah, and if you ever need any more, like, whips or bras or anything, you just send down a notice to Rosie the Riveter.She's the one that supplied all this.We're just the delivery people.She's very crafty.
I'll have to make a profile.Please do.You hear one of the boards go, huh?
Huh?Oh, he does.I'm going to look like an empty Capri Sun.
And then you hear one of them, and he's like, oh, it's Sissy Yukon!
Well, we will be sure to make sure that your misunderstood nature does not go that way any longer.You are lovely, lovely people, and we appreciate the fun time that you showed us.
Well, thank you.Welcome and enjoy.But we're just going to go about our business.Welcome and enjoy the night.You can just watch.It's our first time.Oh, wow.
It's the low pressure.I don't think we can.
Next time.Next time.There's a show next time.
Well, take care.Watch out for tag pirates on Inspooktober.
And then, uh, you all make your leave.And you hear the cacophonous snorting resume.
But they look really nice.I feel like that could have gone so many different ways.I was ready to kill all of them.
Oh, I mean, there were 20 of them.With one swing, I can kill three.That's three.And another swing, that's six.
And another swing, that's... I really only could grapple them, but I feel like that may have confused a set of weak signals if I tried to grapple.I don't know.
Well, either way... We're fine.We made something in the woods.We actually gained resources for the first time.And friendship.And friendship.Well said.
And snacks.And that's the truth.
You ever feel like little cups of water?Orange slices?
No, no, like packaged.It's packaged snacks.I'm unholding some Vienna sausages.What is this, a goddamn Lunchable?
And you finally make your way through another evening.And you arrive on the outskirts of Godsmith.You feel... Drake's map.
Come on, Mike.Oh my god, their heads are hilted!
You arrive at Jerusalem.I've been thinking about Prime way too much the past couple of weeks.
Your lost love call is weird.
So, with that, as you make your way through, the thorns start to dissipate behind you, and you start to feel something that you haven't felt in a long time, maybe if at all, ever.The sea air on your face.
The smell of salt in the air as you begin to hear the roaring of the ocean. fall off in the distance.
As once again, the firm soil gives way to marshiness, but it's less of the kind of dense bayou and more, it gives way to more of the marshiness that could be more equivocal to wart wallow.
As you arrive at a bit of a salt marsh, and as you approach, you still stay in the tree cover.As you see out ahead, it's a town, but it seems to be in a state that's even less built up than Muckbed Creek.
Everything seems to be made out of reed and of wood, and all along the river, all built on stilts, huts and shacks, more or less.However, you start to see where there's actually a great
number of structures, all built up into the large swamp trees, the mangroves, rising up out of the swampy water.Large wooden watchtowers, and you see bits of gleaming metal as the ocean stretches out.I think it's the Seven Star Sea.
Wow, how the fuck did I remember that?I can't even get the skinkerton right. stretching out the sea stretches out ahead of you as Old Tums River splits into a delta where this town, the clearing is built.
And you see a number of individuals making their way over dirt paths, winding roads, bridges here and there, but a very simple life.It seems to be a lot of fishing, a great number of docks stretching out
onto the ocean, it seems to be quite quiet if it wasn't for the great blooming presence of the eerie soldiers flying all about.What do you do?I need a beer after that.I love where your head's at.
Beer and a cigarette.Or sex.Now, this is a very dangerous place.
Yeah, this is, this is, I don't know if I've ever even seen this before.Have I seen the ocean?It's a view.I don't think I've ever seen the ocean before.The air is almost, it smells different.
It smells salty, like somebody's cooking, but eventually.
So is the cat empire really across an ocean?Rich, you tell me.
I'm just GMing, it's like I don't fucking care anymore. You know what?
You fucking tell me for once.
The ocean's not all it's cracked up to be.
Why is that?It's just a bunch of water.Look at it.I've never been to this clearing.I don't think I've been this far south, but I took a ship across a great body of water from the Cat Empire.
The great Cat Empire.Beyond the beach? You are in the, you're in the kind of swamp outside, and then there's a huge clearing out ahead of you, and the sea's all from the distance.So what you're saying, it's even bigger than this?It just keeps going?
What do you mean?It's just lots of salty water, and you can't drink it.It's worthless.I want to take a boat.I want to see where you came from. Well, maybe one day we can go there, sure.So there's more beyond Euphyllicia?
There's more beyond the Dimwood.I almost said Deadwood.There's more beyond the Dimwood.Look, incredible.
Great, vast empires of cat domination.Great buildings.
Is that a form of domination?
It's kind of a different kind of domination.Not too far off, definitely.
I can't judge you.I'm pretty open-minded.I've been reading the pamphlets of the late.
Oh, well, I'm glad you have an open mind.
I told him I'd make a profile.I don't know what any of this means.All these buzzwords seem to be euphemisms of some kind.
There's a lot of, like, drawn demonstrations.
Very crude.Wow.Well, anyway, we're here now.We made it.There's so much to see, but I guess we have to stay out of the eyes of the eerie, don't we?Oh, I should probably take this off.This is the Marquise of Tavern.I shove it in my bag.
Are we even going to be able to find a place to stay here? Guys, what if they know our faces?What if they know, what if they know?
What would I know our faces?
Speaking of that, because of that, whoever has the lowest, who has the most infamy with the Eerie, I would like you to make a reputation roll with someone that you do not know yet.Oh, did we go up last time?That's the only thing I forgot to do.
You gained a bunch of infamy last time for the Eerie.Yeah, I did.I'm at minus one.I'm at minus one as well.How much did we gain?
I don't know if I added that.You gained six.
Or was it eight or four? No, it's six.I have it written right here.Yeah, six.
It was four infamy with the eerie.Yeah, we didn't have a pencil last time.It was out of the... That is a little bit.
Out of graphite?No, like, how do you even write with this?I think we're all minus one.Yeah, so whoever wants to make it.
I'm... yeah.Oh, yeah.I'm minus one.Who's feeling lucky?We.Hold on.I think I'm...
Yeah, so I'm actually one past minus one.Yeah, I think we all are.I would say that would all count.We're not quite as at minus two.Whoever has the lowest is on the track.I'm four into towards minus two.Same.Yes.Oh, I am.Oh, yeah, yeah.
I think we're all the same.So you're all the same.Okay.Whoever wants to.I'll do it.I hate them the most.
What do you do?So we heard that there are lizards on, towards the coast.
So maybe we just like put our hoods up and we just kind of lay low as if we're just wanderers, not really vagabonds.I don't know if there's a difference.You think that they might give us some sort of refuge or respite? Well, maybe.
They at least have some connection to this.
What is it?They were like a cult, though.
Then they worship a dragon?
What if we take some of these clams and we just dig a tunnel?
Yeah, quick before the Eerie comes.
Well, we should definitely do it quick.But dig a tunnel all the way across the clearing?
Like to the beach, you know, or something.I'm pretty good at digging. We just each take two clamps and we just start digging and digging until we get somewhere.
It seems like a really long way away though and it's kind of swampy.
It's very wet and the ground's wet when we die.I love that about this place.
You just want to like dig in the mud.Yeah.And just sit there.
Because I don't have eyelids so if I could just sink down into the muck my eyes could take a rest.
But you don't blink at all.No.What a horrible logistician.
I feel like we've been trailing together for so long and I never noticed that you don't blink.
Well, that's because you don't look at me very much.You only look at the food I have in my hands.I suppose that that is a hard truth, but I should hear it.Your eyes don't ever leave higher than my mouth. And my eyes are higher than my mouth.
Why don't we just take a look around at Toze's Wanderers?
We should create new names then if we're going to do that, because the last thing we want is someone to be like, hey, are you the infamous vagabond so-and-so?And we're like, oh, we're Booger, Grobbly, and Frog.Like, it's not going to work.
You know what I mean? Oh, we could pose as a folk band.Oh, we could pose as a folk band.
Yeah.Yeah, I can, oh, and I take out my clams and I just start clinking my clams together.I'll be the clam player.You could be percussion.Yeah, the clam player.The clams.The clams.More clams.The clams. Yeah.Who can play the fiddle?
Grammarly, can you sing? Hazel, can you sing?Hazel, you're gonna sing.Grumly, what can you do?Well Grumly always has gas.Does anyone have a woodwind instrument he can play?No, I just meant because he's full of air.Geez, you're so gross, Hazel.
I'm not sure.What are your thoughts?
We don't have musical instruments.
I can be the bass player.Can you make its own instruments?
I mean, it's probably going to take like an hour.I've got a lot of cutlery, so we can all just play the spoons.Oh, you can play the spoons.Oh, do we have a jug?Do you have an empty jug?Someone can play the jug.I can play the clams.
I'm going to take one of the bottles of liquor that I stole earlier. Just chug it all in.
And then you play the spoons and you're gonna sing.It doesn't matter if it's good.Okay.What's the name of a band?
No, I don't think that's a good one at all.
We could be the Soggy Bottom crew.
Oh, yeah, no, that's getting close.
Is crew the right word for a band?Would it be the Soggy Bottom band?
It could be.The Whistling Waddlers.Yeah?No.No.
No, I do like Soggy Bottoms pretty good.The Waverly Waddlers?No, but the Soggy Bottom, the problem with that is it makes me think of a diaper.
Oh, what about this?The Vagabonds.
I'm not very good at this.I'm not very creative.
That's only slightly, marginally better.Vaga is still in there, but yeah, I don't think that's gonna work.That's actually on your pamphlet.
I was gonna kick that up, but fuck that, it's a stupid vagabomb.That's not true.
Marginally better.We're getting somewhere.
Where are you from again?I know we just came from there.
Okay.And where are you from now again?And then where are you from, Hazel?I'm from Nookington.Okay.So we could be the Muck Nuck... What?Of New Felicia.The Nookie Bottoms.We should mention New Felicia.We could be the Warty Bottoms.
That's worse than, that's worse than Foggy Bottoms.Yeah, no, I think we should just stick with the Foggy Bottoms.What about the Muckbed Jamboree?That's actually pretty good, yeah.I like that one too.
Muckbed Jamboree, alright.
But that could be the name of our first song. Well, we're gonna play.And now, welcoming Foggy Bottom to the stage, performing the Muck Bed Jamboree.
And then you play on your jug and you play on your spoons and I'll play on my clams and you just make up words.
Well, then it's just obvious that we're from the Muck Bed Creek.And then, oh, that's why we're here.
Yeah, but if our name was the Muck Bed Jamboree, it would be even more obvious that we were from Muck Bed.
Well, I'm saying that's a good thing.
Oh, and then we could say that we ran out of Mukden because the cats overtook it and we are fans of the Eerie.You are so smart, the both of you.If it weren't for you, we wouldn't all have soggy bottoms.
Fair enough.I guess I'm lost.
You're lost.Oh, but now we need Rockstar Names.
Big for me, I can't do this, my brain hurts.
You can be Pug Floyd.Pug Floyd?Yeah.
Pug Floyd?Yeah.Is that just weird?That would be like you being named Frog.That's a good point.
That's actually not a bad name though for a rock star.
I'm gonna go with the name Everett.
Oh, that's a good one.Sure.Yeah.
That's it.I'm gonna be Everett.
Alright.I'm gonna be... You could be Adele! No, I was thinking that I was gonna go as David Croakey.
I like it.It's got a certain ring to it.
I'll just be Croakey.Okay.Yeah, Croakey.
Froggy Stardust and Spiders from Mars.
Oh my god, yeah, no, I'll just be Croakey.
Croakey, Lloyd, Everett, and Adele. One of these things is not like the other.One of these things just doesn't belong.
Are you sure you don't want to be the singer?Why don't you pass the junk to Adele?
No, no, not all of them.The junk's mine.
You gave it to me on TV.All right, all right, all right, Everett.All right, so we're good.Everett.So, we should get off.
Is it Floyd?Floyd, yeah.Are we set with Floyd, then?Floyd, yeah.And what are you playing?
Did you ever get an instrument?
I'm playing the upright bass.
No, you were playing the spoons.No, you were playing the spoons, Grimley.We don't have enough right now.We don't have enough right now.
We don't know how to play a damn jug, but here we are.
You just play a jug in it and smack your own shit.No, please don't smack your own shit.
I take out a washbasin and I shove a stick through it.Can I borrow a string?
Yes you are and I take out me ball of cat hair and you start pulling it apart and I twine it together the way you would with yarn to make an actual string and I tighten it.
It's very dark in here.And I'll tie one end to the top and one end to the bottom.
And so it's literally just one string tied on a stick.
Have you seen like those old school like- It's literally, it's literally what they call- Oxygonum?
I'm gonna think of it.They have like a really goofy name.
It's like a- It's like the old like grass, like washtub bass.
I can just play this.It only plays one note.
It's like- I can do this.
So this is what I play.The upright bass.
Or spoons.No, don't do that.All right, I'll just play the bass.
You play that, I'll play spoons.What are you doing?I've got the clams.Oh, the clams, like a- Yeah, like a clamberine.Yeah, a clamberine.
So, are we just going to kind of- And I've got my feet. play our whole way to this lizard cult and just hope that we just play our way there.
It's really just a well thought out backup plan.Yeah, just in case something happens.
No, we should play our instruments as we go through so it's clear that we're a band.
Oh yeah, but then we draw attention to ourselves.Oh, that's true.
but then they know we're a band and not a vagabond.
Yeah, but I think that that's only a good idea if the attention's already drawn to us and we need to be like, oh yeah, hi, we love attention.Bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click.
And then however Adele would sing.You know what I mean?
Can we stop doing this and just form a wibbly band?You can do literally whatever you want.Really?Nah, we're gonna make it big.
It would be less of a chance of dying, I suppose.It would be a pretty good life if we could travel from clearing to clearing making music.
I'd be really nice.Everybody loves musicians.And they get lots of free food.
Oh, you know, it's just, there's something about being on the road again and just going places that I've never been and seeing things that I may never see again.I can't wait to get on the road again.
Are you sure you don't want to be the singer?I feel like Adele's going to be great at it.I do.I just feel like you could write songs about things that aren't pie.
Well, I just really feel like, you know, my fine love is making music with my friends.
That's what we're doing right now.
See, he's pretty good.You just said you don't play the instruments or sing.I don't, but I'm thinking about taking it up.There's something that's speaking to me.It's in my heart.There's music in my heart. This might have been a calling I never knew.
Well, we should probably get going.
Let's go.Yeah.Well, what was the name of our group again?
All right.Well, Floyd, Beelzebub and the deli.
Oh, I'm sorry.Everett and the deli.Let's go.
I just kind of, like, tuck the jug, like, under my arm and, like, begin to, like, follow.
So I'm just carrying whatever the fuck it is.
I take, um, I find a piece of cloth and I rip it and I make myself a really awesome headband with a star on the front.So we're doing this.
So you see as you march your way into the clearing of the newly formed Mach Vet Jamboree, you start to see that... See, that was my reference.
I'm glad you picked it up.We look like a janky band of old Chuck E. Cheese's.
That was 100% what I was going for.
And we are the McSmash pizza slices.
There seems to be a bit of a franticness in the eerie soldiers.You see that this is, what kind of clearing is this?Can you remind me?No.It's eerie.Grab it.Oh. Let's check.Fox clearing.So you see that there's a bunch of swamp foxes walking around.
Some are clothed in the eerie blue taverns.But it seems as if the eerie soldiers are flying around and they're checking various perches and you see there's large warehouses that seem to be bare and empty.
as you probably realize that this clearing has been cut off from the entire supply line, from Okaxhala.
And you see that there are, as you make your way deeper into this town, the river, Old Tom's River, was splitting into the delta, into all these various small streams and the swampy soil.
You make your way to the actual town proper, and it doesn't take very long at all. before you hear the flapping of wings, as what seems to be a heron swoops in, a great blue heron, finely dressed.
Wait, is this one of those long-legged birds?
Yes. A long-legged, long-necked, long-billed parrot.
I don't know.I just love that they're on the license plates, those long-legged birds.
Wearing blue colors, but very finely dressed in a coat.He has kind of these gray and blue feathers all on either side as he lands immediately in front of you.Two guards on either side as he lands and he surveys you.
New refugees.Maybe that's one word for them.More like, we prefer travelers, which is just traveling.
Also refugees.From where?And he pulls out a clipboard as he begins to flip through.I need names.
Oh, well, my name's Croaky.
Oh, from, uh, from Buford Creek.Yeah, we just got run out because of the mean old geese.I don't know if you heard, but there was a horrible assassination of birds there.
And now those stinky cats have moved in.
There's hairballs everywhere.And they, you know, those stuffy old cats, they don't know how to have a good time.And when you're part of a band, and we are, you need, you need
People who like to have a good time in those stuffy old cabs, they don't know how.That's right.Such a shame.But I'm sorry, I'm croaky.
We're clearly not from around here.You were looking for supplies and you came to the wrong place.
Oh no, we were just looking for a place that didn't have lots of cats in it.
Yeah, or a bunch of quill boars that are fucking in the forest.
Yeah, I know, but we're avoiding those.We're just gonna take a sleep, I think, and pass them through.
You're not with the Marquis Zayt, are you?
Do you know a single member of the Marquis Zayt that likes a good time on music?
How do you feel about freedom for the denizens
I mean, what even really is freedom?Does anybody have freedom?I mean, freedom isn't free.Free will is just an illusion.Am I right?
Freedom is a terrible burden that most people cannot handle themselves.
And we certainly wouldn't be members of any kind of wooden alliance if that was something that existed.
Yeah, because, you know, they're aligned with those quill boys that are fucking all over the forest.I think, at least.I don't know.
And what are your religious beliefs?
Oh, well, that's a really personal question.
You are in my clearing.Travelers.I believe in the great dog in the sky.It's dog religion.
Quaint. The music.Music is my religion.I've devoted my whole life to it.It just, it drenches every fiber of my being.The music of the soul is really what is the true beauty.
The spirit is nothing but a musical note.
Well said, Peggy.Well said.Well said.Oh my goodness.I say, I meant, uh, I know.No, it was a, it was a slip of the, it's what I call my jug.Peggy, Peggy.I like to blow on Peggy.I like to blow a real good.
I like to give her the old, who, who, who, who.
He likes to give Peggy the old two-lip slip.
This is Peggy, my, my rusty, trusty, Peggy.
Fuck!I'm going to give him the thing.I'm going to give him the business.I'm giving him the bad night on the wall.
Perfect fucking 12 as I unpeg you.
He flips it.He flips his clipboard and then it's actually folded into a book and he slams it closed and he says, I am the chief inspector of this clearing.You must forget my face, and I will not forget yours.
Yeah, okay, but what's your name?
Quas-Starfall.That's a mouthful.
Did you say Queef-Starfall?
Stay safe.Stay away from the shore at midnight.Stay away from the shore?What happens at the shore at midnight?
Oh, did he say his name was Waffles?
I think Quastus Starfall.
The shore at midnight.What happens at the shore at midnight?That is right.The pug is the one with the listening comprehension.He knows a lot of big words.
Well, we're all listeners because we're musicians, but you were saying something about a starfall or something.
I thought you said it was waffles.
We don't have last names.
We're just filthy peasants with instruments.
I can see that.That is the most believable thing you've said in this entire conversation.With that, you are free to go.Stay away from the Shore at Midnight.The Shore at Midnight.If anyone calls you, beckoning the wayward souls.
If you see a lizard beckoning, ignore them.All right.
What are they beckoning for?
And he turns and flies away with his soldiers.
That was so strange.I never thought that birds would be named after breakfast treats.I know, it's like a cruel trick.Yeah.He's just got to hear his own name and he's just hungry perpetually.
I didn't catch any of that.
I was like, what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-what's-a-
Do you have something in your throne?
No, I think it's just his name.
Do you think maybe you could write that down for us?
If you get that right on the first try, Booker's gonna give you a coin.
Why do you always help him with his cons and you never help me with mine?
What are you talking about?
Grumly, you have lovely handwriting.Don't stop.Don't stop.
This is not what I think he's saying.
Oh, Grumly, have you been working on your penmanship?
Well done, my friends!And you know, Hazel, I resent that because if it hadn't been for me, you wouldn't have been able to steal all of those birds' food that last time that we were in that place.When we almost got that butler fired.
That was terrible. But he didn't get fired, and that's the moral of the story.That's true.So anytime you need someone to help you steal a lot of food, you always know you can count on me.
Just like anytime Booker knows that he needs to make some coin, he can always count on me.
Sometimes, like, I just get mad because you help him hurt me.And I help you hurt other people.But I want to hurt him sometimes.I'm right where you just gotta ask.
You gotta get up pretty early in the morning, kid.
Tomorrow's always a new day.You make your way to the sleepy clearing.
The sleepy clearing of Drake Smith, there's a variety of huts, there's people on their porch keeping an eye on you.
Creeks as far as you can see, people have fishing rods with bait and tackle, others are rooting around in the muck looking for little crawfish.
And then a number of buildings, and you see that probably the largest of the, it seems to be a tavern, like the large, there's a bit of a main street area that's across several bridges in this town, pretty close to the shore.
And as you arrive, you see that there's a large boardwalk. all along this beach.And you see that the beach kind of makes its way, it kind of gives way to patches of rockiness that once again turns to soft sand.
As you see, the sea is right before you, stretching out in its glorious expanse as you arrive at the very edge of the Dimwit. And you see that there is a relatively large tavern, at least for this clearing.
And you see a number of eerie soldiers are perched on either side of it.They seem to be perching on all of the relevant mangrove trees that are sticking up out of the swamp.And you see that it's called Two Old Cats.
And there's a variety of other... Wait, the inn is called Two Old Cats?
I think it's a great idea.Hello, sir.
So you arrive.You arrive into Tool Cats.
Gross.What does it smell like in Tool Cats?It smells like cheap old alcohol.
As you see out ahead, there is a very morose kind of somberness to this place.There are a number of patrons that are slumped over the bar or sitting at tables.You see that there's one female fox in a bonnet staring off the window off into the sea.
And you see that she's staring off in the direction that there's actually a crudely built lighthouse of sorts, with a large torch in there, as the sun is starting to set at this point.
And you see that there's actually a place for a stage, with a picture of a large, what looks like a large, is it a massive fish?But with rather than teeth, it's these long, strange, brush-like teeth. which would be probably a whale.
I don't know if any of you would know what a whale is.I wouldn't.
Yeah, and you see the painting of this in a great seascape, and you see one very old cat behind the bar as he looks at you, and he has these thick spectacles as he turns and says, ah, new customers.
You ain't with them lions folk, are you?
We don't take radicals here.We're just travelers.I've lived my whole old life here in this clearing, and I ain't getting myself into no trouble.I mean, we don't mean anybody any harm or any trouble.
We're just a traveling band of musicians, and we're just looking for a place to sleep.That's right.
I frankly didn't expect a cat in this clearing.
Well, I lived here my whole life when the Marquis Zay took it a long time ago when I was a young man.
Is there another old cat that's here too?
Just because I'm a cat doesn't mean the eatery's just gonna kill me.They know my loyalty, which is why I'm not trying to get mixed up in any marketing business.
Oh, we already... We met the chief inspector on our way in, and he let us proceed in, so you can bet your, um, bottom dollar that we are good people.
What Hazel said. Hazel?Is that your name?
I mean, Hazel is my, is my, uh, is my, my jug here.I love to just blow on Hazel.I just blow on her all day and all day.See, doesn't Hazel sound beautiful?Listen, watch again as I blow on Hazel.
This has to be trust fate, whoever would like to roll.Trust fate.I have plus one luck.
I have two.I have two luck as well.You do it.You're a singer in Delhi.You're in Delhi.That was terrible.
For what it's worth, we've been traveling very far and we're a little rusty and we're all very tired.Not our best performance.
My spoons are just a little out of tune, you see.That wasn't the best.
We would travel in all day long.
My, that's about what my old bassoon player used to say.Oh, the bassoon?He used to play the bassoon, yeah.When he first started here, he used to be this old musician that would play.
He would bring the people, well, not too much, but it would at least bring a little bit of warmth.Until he caught on fire and died.
Oh, I didn't think he was playing it right.
It caught on fire!Ow, the whole bassoon?Or just him?Ow!Yes!
Does that happen regularly here?Only if you go out, fish into the wrong place at the wrong time, the sea's boiling hot, and you just kind of... Is that like an old man's tale?
Like we can't touch the water?Well, it was an old man's tale until people started...
Catching on fire and dying.Like... Just to be clear.
Like, oh, resume your... I can't fucking look at you in your face.So, I don't mean to interrupt.I just want to be 100% clear.Resume our talk.
So what you're saying is that you don't want us to bring you any trouble, but people are bursting into flames in this clearing.Oh, ain't that just the way. I think we've made a terrible mistake.
We'd like two rooms, please.Oh, what?We do?
One room.One room.I don't want to burst their flames.
No, we're not going to go fishing out in the ocean.
I said don't touch the water.
We're not going to go anywhere near the water, especially not at midnight.
Oh, that's when old, but soon Bartok caught on fire and died.
I know a song about Bartok.
Oh, I was trying to write a song on his memory, but I'm a terrible bassoon player.I don't have the embouchure.
Stop me off, Grumly.The Bartok song.I don't know what you mean.Yes, you do.
Maybe just start playing a little bass line there, Grumly.
Old Baltock died.He was caught on fire by the water and he died.
That's the whole song.It was a different song.I was thinking of another one.
Hey, we're warming up.We're getting better.
We're getting better.Yeah, no, that was the whole song.
Trust me.Trust me, please. Yes.
He's good.He leans down.He leans down.As you're playing, he leans down, disappears behind the counter, and he pulls out a crossbow and points at you.
But I forgot to mount this!
Oh my goodness. I might need to change my shorts.
It's all right.You best be getting out of my inn, is what I would say if I didn't have an ear for music. This conversation has just been at ups and downs.
I don't know what to expect next.And you see a single tear roll down his old cat face.Graying fur.He's just too old for a cat.
He's too old cat.A single tear goes down his cheek. That was a beautiful tribute I can almost hear the bassoon when he gave old hazel a blow
And boy, do you give old Hazel a mighty fine blow, young man.That's right, she's a rotund one, but she does a good job.And I just pat her on the side.
I used to know an old hare that would say, that sounds like my ex-wife, but I'm a gentleman.
Well, how about y'all real good?How about I'll give you free room and board if y'all play a spell every night for a couple hours. Oh, ours.I mean, we might have, yes, ours.Y'all don't have a full set?Oh, no, of course we do.Of course we do.
Of course.Adele has the deepest pipes of anyone I've ever heard.
She's got the deepest pipes.
This is a free drink.Come with that.I got to keep, I got to stay real moist if I'm going to be blowing on hazel.
He looks at you and he says...
That is disgustingly true.You need to wet your whistle.He shuffles over and pulls a bottle of old, like, grog.
It's hard to tell what it is.
Well, it's mostly seawater, but you'll get used to it.Megas can't be choosers, I suppose. Cheers, my friend.
Rations are real low in this clearing, folk.
Ever since those backstabbing, filthy, no-good odders took over Metbed Creek. The supply line was cut.
That's terrible.I'm sorry to hear that.That's awful.That's where we're from.We saw it all.
So sad.What's your bad name?Did you tell me?I forget.
It's the, um, the Mokbe Jamboree.
That's a little, that's a little on the nose.
Well, yeah, we wanted to make sure we weren't confused.
On the nose is an old Laughlin family saying for that's great.
That's good to know.What did you say?
Laughlin.I'm Jimmy Laughlin.I run this place with my brother Quincy.
Quincy Laughlin.I'm Jimmy.But your brother ain't Quincy.No, he's Quincy.It might be strange if he had a different last name.You never can tell.
Can't be too sure, I always say.Well, in this family, in this clearing, you don't survive being a tallow licker like my family has cats and drinks.Do what we can by changing the name.
You know, we're not a licker of anything but hazel.
We're just hazel licking our way to
Well, feel free to get set up.Let me know what you need.I'm sure Quincy will be back from... He'll be back from fishing soon enough.Hopefully he doesn't get... Oh yeah, didn't you just say... Hopefully he doesn't combust and die.
Yeah, he's fishing.Yeah, that's right.He's a true fisherman at heart.
He's also the lighthouse keeper.How long has he been fishing for? Since people have been bursting into flames.Since when we were young kittens.Is he not worried that he's just gonna be, oof?Well, he don't play no bassoon.
You think that's what caused it?
I don't know.I'm an old cat who's too old to be thinking about how things work.Well, I suppose that if only bassoon players are bursting into flames, then we're probably all safe. Well, no, many folk are bursting into flames.
But they're going out to the lights on the reef at midnight, in the middle of the night, when they ain't supposed to, when the proper authorities are trying to keep them safe.
Oh.I see.I guess we were warned about that.So as long as we steer clear of whatever's going on on the shore at midnight, then we should remain unsinged, if you will.
Yeah. We better go up to our room and put our things away.
What time is it?It's probably like five-ish.The sun is just setting at this point, it's autumn, it's spooktober.You've heard the reports of the Vladpires.The Tadpires!Fuck, the Tadpires.As the Pinkertons are going in from the... Skinkertons!
and as they, as it's late.I suppose we have to maybe prepare for our set.To the room, everyone?
That sounds like a good idea.We need a band hustle before we start our set.
Can I address what Leafy said, which I think is very apropos?He has two keys.He said not the, or no, it was Lone Guard.It's not the advertising Magpie thought of, but it's the advertising they need.
You know we do what we can.
Thank you, Magpie.Thank you, and I'm sorry.Thank you, Magpie.Well, everybody come along.Two rooms!You too, Hazel.You're going to be worked tonight harder than you've ever been worked before in your life.
He reaches out and he pulls the crossbow out.
Please stop pointing at us.And he handed you rusty keys.
He handed you rusty keys, and all the floorboards creak.They almost feel like waterlogged.As you make your way up the stairs, there are two rooms.Very, very sparse.A tiny bed in each one.Not much else.
Normally not very picky, but this place is terrible.
I can't believe that we did it. Even with Booker fucking up multiple times.
At least twice.He's sure to do it again.I'll try not to.I don't know what happened.I just, it just slipped my mind.I was really worried about people bursting into flames.
Honestly, that was such a really, that was a really great way to avert their attention is to just say that your jug is named Peggy and then Hazel and then eventually Grumbly.
Well, now the bit is out there, I can't do it now.
Well, I'm sure you'll fuck it up again.
Yeah, well, maybe in case you do fuck it up again, maybe you write all of our names on the bottom of the jug, and then when you say, oh yeah, it's the name of our jug, then you can turn it over and hide the names of whichever ones you didn't say, and be like, look, it says right here, Grumling.
I'll take it into consideration, for sure.
I'm sure you'll be blowing over a million more times.
Right, right, right.I have no doubt. You know, it's almost as if you're trying to set up comedy in Rules of Three, and then it's almost as if no one else understands it.It's a shame.It's a shame.Perfectly good Rule of Three right out the window.
Anyway, people bursting into flames.That's a thing.
Yeah, but it's only the people that are going out on the water.I mean, oh no, we probably have to go out on the water, don't we?Because I bet that's exactly where the artifact is.
Yeah, I know.I'm most definitely right.I'm the smartest frog in the whole damn dim wood.So, do you think we're bursting the flames if we're completely nude?Like maybe, I'm just saying, it could be a close.
I think that we should try it again.Let's play until the night comes to a close.And before midnight, we try to go out there and take a look.
Oh, we have to play tonight?
Oh yeah, that's what we told him we'd do.
Oh shit, I thought we had to play tomorrow and I was thinking about just skipping out of town.
Nah, he's giving us some free room tonight, so we gotta play tonight.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
Okay, Booker, tell us what we're gonna do tonight.You're the leader of this group.
That's certainly not true.
Yeah, I know, but I'm trying to make you feel like you're part of the group.
Yeah, alright.Well, we're gonna play.And then I would like to stay away from whatever's going on at the edge of the river, but
But I think we can do that.
I have a feeling that this one old cat's gonna lose the second old cat.And there's just something about the way he was wielding that crossbow and the way he talked about the cat peeing out on the water that just felt like his imminent death.
Well, he did say he was the lighthouse keeper, so maybe we can take a look from the lighthouse.What's going on?
I mean, I think that we probably could because I guess that he's so old he can't see what's going on out on the water.
I think that's probably true.Or maybe he's never bothered to look.
But I'm concerned because I can't blink.So if I'm out on the water and the wind's really strong and then I'm getting salt air in my eyes, do you think that I'm going to lose my sight?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Maybe if we just like, um... I don't know, some blink.
What's happening here?What's happening?
I'm waiting to see if Peggy blinks again.
No, you just blinked again!I didn't blink.I can't blink.I don't have eyelids.
you'd have eyedrops at least.What are eyedrops?
I am a saline solution, but I don't know if that'll do me well when I'm near so much salt water.
Well, ocean water could just work as saline solution.
No, they're two different things.
Either way, we should get ready for a set.And once it becomes nighttime, maybe we can meet this other guy, Quincy.
Oh, you mean the other cat.Did he even say if Quincy comes back if he stays out on the lighthouse all this time?
He said he'd be back soon.I feel like no one will even show up for this thing and we can just hunt. See us all white-throated and then get to the end.
Before we do this though, if we're going to be playing for hours, we have to have a set list.And I only made up that one song.And my song was terrible.Do you want to play The Clams?I think I should.Alright, here's The Clams.
I think you were busy, but we Hazel and I sang a classic from the old cat empire called Old Facey Tree.And maybe we could use that in the set list.
All right, let's do it.So that we could, is that how we'll end the set?With Old Facey Tree?
We could just play it on repeat for three hours.
You know, if there weren't anyone in here and that daft old cat's there, he probably wouldn't even notice.
What are they going to do?Complain?Then buckle up.Here comes Old Facey Tree for three hours.
We held up our end of the bargain, and that's all that really matters.Maybe if we really want to play to our audience, we should play Freebird.
Well, how's it go? No, I don't know.
Do we have time to learn that?Can I learn that before we... I don't know how to play an instrument.Oh, and you know, we can always...
because they'll kill you violently.Yeah.That might go over well here.And then on top of that, if the crowd's really getting crazy, we can play tequila.Oh, yeah.
Well, either way, Peggy, often you're clever enough just to wing it.
Oh, I could write a song called Wing It.
Oh, that wasn't even intentional, but maybe that's all it's all about.
I think we're throwing that in as a joke.
Oh, I could write a song.So what is Old Facey Tree or whatever?
Old Facey Tree, Old Facey Tree.I forget the rest of it.
Something please don't kill us.
It's just something.We kind of made up the words as we went.
Yeah, music comes from your heart.
I hummed along, and I kind of tapped my foot a little bit.
Well, we could write a song called Facey's Mom Has Got It Going On, and it could be about the tree that birthed Old Facey Tree.
I'm just going to play me one note.I'll be doing the same.That's about all I got.
So then what's the plan outside of that?So we're going to play for a couple of hours, then we're just going to go to sleep, or are we going to go down to the water?
No, we're going to go down.We should take a look and see what the fires on the reef are.That's crazy.
So then what are we going to do if one of us or all of us bursts into flame unnaturally?
Well, it's not going to happen.
I don't think that we should do that, but I mean, we do have to go down there. I think we know.So I think the thing that confuses me so much is if they're bursting in the flame right next to the water, why aren't they just jumping into the water?
I'll bet you.Well, I think I know, but I don't want to say it because I think usually I'm wrong and then I'll get left out.
If you're right in this case, then there will be a lot of problems if you don't tell us.
Yeah, if you have information that you might know, you should tell us.
I mean, think about all the different things that we've done and like the trees were not like normal trees and they were mean and violent.
Because what we were looking for was in them, so maybe the water's just mean and bony because there's a relic in the water or near the water.
See, that's why it's lighting people on fire and going against nature.So when they jump into the water, it doesn't help because the water is made of fire.
Well, this Stag King guy is all about fire, so maybe...
Oh my god, you're so right.
They did say the ocean was boiling too.
So we're gonna have, so essentially we are all gonna have to get caught on a vine and run into the water and hope that we survive it.But we've got all these other things.Yeah, we have the Vienna.
Ah, yeah, we do.I don't want to unravel it yet.
Oh, we can pull a Moses on this bitch and we can just part the Red Seas quite literally because they're fiery red waters.
I remember the tale of Moses.He led his people.Yeah, Moses.
He dug a tunnel through the water.
It was such a long journey that he went blind.
Yeah.Wow.And that's why all the moles are blind now.
That's a great story.Yeah, and he had those 10 corrapments.And it was all the rules that rats have to live by, because fuck rats.
I'm just telling you how Moses works.
I think we should play a set and I think we should
Maybe meet Quincy and go to the Lighthouse and take a look from the Lighthouse, from the safety of the Lighthouse.
How are we going to get out to the Lighthouse without getting into the fire water, which is going to burn and smithereens?The Lighthouse... How the hell, if the water's on fire, how is this one old cat even getting out to the Lighthouse?
Yeah, what if it's just on, like, on a cape, like right on the edge of the water?
Yeah, I mean, the Lighthouse isn't usually in the water.Oh, it's not?
Sometimes it is, but not always.I'm hoping it's not.I would like to not go anywhere near the water.
That seems awfully confusing.
You take a look out your window, and you see the lighthouse.
No, no, no, we've got this.You keep your information to yourself.
Probably about three stories tall, as far as the buildings.And it is of this crudely constructed white stone all the way up with glass.
a glass dome, and a beacon, a light, a torch that seems to spin around, and you see that it is out on a small island, several hundred meters off the coast.
I knew it wasn't attached to the mainland, what's the fucking point?
I'll discomplicate her.Maybe we should go down to the shore and try to hide.Maybe you guys can dig like you've been wanting to dig with your clams and your hands and I can try to help.Let's just play our set and then we can figure it out.
Sure, I'm ready whenever you're ready.
I take my standoff, whatever, jug base, or not jug base, a wash basin base, wash basin, and I take it down the stairs.
Okay.You all make your way down, and you see that there are a few more people, some crusty fishermen, mostly foxes.You see a number of birds, a couple seagulls, you know, an egret, and a couple of
of Shorebirds and the like, and you see that they're mostly just staring into their drink, and you begin to play.Are there any classic hits you'd like to play before we move on?
We start off with Tequila.
And then we got to play the Bartok song again.We're going to play a bad rendition of O Facey Tree.We'll play Free Bird, and then we'll play a song called Wing It.
And then lastly, we sing Who Let the Pugs Out, and there's a bark solo by... It's a very eclectic mix of music.Somewhere in there, we sing Bird is the Word.It's in here.It's wonderful.You like jazz.
Do you like jazz?You begin to play... No, stay away!
He hears someone.Oh, oh, sorry.He begins to play that.And you go out, and then kind of towards the end, you hear an old voice call out.And it's like, you hear the voice of Jimmy.You're fired!What?
As I roast these peppers, you're fired up!
You know, I'm going to be honest.I should have seen that one coming.But yet again, I just didn't.I don't know how.
Every time, he just gets me. It's amazing, truly.And so you finish your set, and it's getting late.
And then we end with a Jeepers Peepers, and it's about a mouse with big eyes.
Oh, OK, got it.It's about a mouse with big eyes.And the theory of Spooktober.An undead mouse.An undead mouse.Yeah.
I think we should cater a little to the fox clientele.
Okay, so we play a what does the fox say?
Yeah, we hate, we hate foxes, we hate mice.They would be undead abominations.
And then we end with what does the fox say?
Oh, and you hear, you hear excited cheers and it's like, I don't know, how's your morning?
Feel like you need some cultural enrichment, but you're okay!
Um, as you- as you begin to, uh- The set, but actually it's- You finish your set, and- I forgot about that. You finish your set, and the crowd is mildly entertained.You hear some polite applause.
You get some enthusiastic applause, but it's mostly just drunk sailors.Pardon me.Towards the end, the rain has started to pick up. You hear the booming of thunder as the wind starts to howl.
And towards the end of your set, you're kind of wrapping up, you're putting away your instruments, and the doors flies open with the wind.You hear howling of wind, the pattering of footsteps, as you see a hooded figure.
in this long robe almost, completely drenched.As it steps in, you see webbed feet and feathers poking out from beneath, a long bill.As you see a pelican pull back the hood, and he says, hey, the fish ain't biting today.
As he walks over to the bar, and you see Jimmy say, oh, well, Quincy, did you catch anything?
My question wasn't so stupid now, was it?
That's not even a cat, let alone an old cat.We're not playing anymore?
I immediately start playing again and I start playing potatoes and molasses.If you want some, just ask us.
And you play that, and you see the pelican, he also looks very old, as he turns and he says, oh, you find replacement for the old bassoon barbarian?As he pours a drink down into his bill and swallows it.As I said, yeah, no, they're pretty good.
I hate you. Ah, they just drive me to kill.
Oh no, he talked himself into a corner on that one.There's no coming back from that one.He said what he meant this time. He's gonna, he's gonna off himself, because our music was so bad!He's unhinged!
He's like that video game!
Wait, hold on!I'm, I'm gonna kill, I've got nowhere to go!
I've got nowhere to go!He wasn't!That's the problem!
And you see, you see the eyes kind of look over you, of the old pelican.
As he, uh, looks, and he turns in and leans in and whispers something to, um, To Jimmy.And you're finishing your set, what do you do?
Thank you, thank you, thank you, we'll be here for the rest of the week.Can I bow?That's right, we're Muckbed Jamboree.Yep, you can find us not in Muckbed, but you can find us here.
Muckbed Jamboree.Do we know what time it is, roughly?It's probably... Probably ten.
We've got some time to kill, I suppose, so... Should we talk to him?
I really was expecting him to be a cat.
We should introduce ourselves.That's a great idea.And you owe that free drink.
Oh, sure.That sounds like a great idea.We'll do that.Sorry to bother you, gentlemen.We just came to get our free drink for the evening after finishing up our set, and we wanted to meet your brother. Quincy.
Oh, this is my brother, Quincy.
I told you all about him.You see, the fella can turn with hundreds of things.He looks like a really jabbin' strong musician, though, okay?
Yeah, we overheard you talking to him, and we just assumed... Anyway, we didn't want to interrupt, but we figured we'd introduce ourselves, and, uh...
Thank you for the host, Ren Kwan.Thank you.
Learn a bit more about what you do for a living, Mr. Quincy, sir.
I'm fish, and I fish, and when the fish ain't biting, I tend to light out.It's not hard for me to get back and forth.Simple life, but my brother and I do what we can.Are you not scared of the water?I am not afraid of the water.Why would I be?
I'm a cat. What?I'm a cat, and cats are not afraid of the water.Well, I mean... Yeah, didn't you hear him?
He's a cat!Well, I mean, what I meant to say was that your brother said that people were going near the water and bursting into flames.I mean, that sounds horrifying. Are you not scared of that?I didn't mean the water itself.
Well, the water itself, if that's the cause, I'm trying here.
There, there be those who burst into flames spontaneously, but I have faith that I will not be harmed by the fire.They're not true sailors.They do not have faith in themselves.
Hey, um... What religion do you practice?I know that's kind of rude, but we were asked when we first got here, so I thought that was how this town worked.
He looks at you and says, Well, what does a fisherman worship, sister?
Sea?Rivers?Fish?I say a prayer to all of it.The lady of the sea.She's a great cat.Great.A great bad pussy.
The great white pussy, you say?Sorry, man.I thought so.
That's a religion here.Well, I mean, it's a religion in other places, too.But here, I'm just surprised.It's so rude.Yes, it is.Wow.You learn something new every day.
That's the beauty of traveling to lots of different places.I've got a new song for Montgomery.We'll save it.
Um, so, how do you get to your lighthouse?
It's all the way across the ocean.Oh, well, I fly over the wind, ain't too bad.I got a rowboat otherwise.Oh, is it just, like, parked out there, you know?Out on the docks, yes.Are you looking for fishing?I mean, maybe.Are you looking to apprentice?
I mean, we just, we don't, we really don't want to burst into flames.
You know, cats are great fishermen. Of course.
I could teach you a thing or two.Could you teach us something tonight?About Midnight, maybe?
How long have you been a cat?
I want to make eye contact with Jimmy and see like...
Does he?Can I figure him out?Yeah.Which one?Jimmy or Quincy?Jimmy.
Uh, 10.Uh... So how does that work?Oh.You have to ask some questions.Ask some... Three questions.Is this character telling the truth?About what?About his feeling that Quincy is truly AK. So you're figuring out Quincy or Jimmy, sorry.No, Jimmy.Jimmy.
Yeah.Jimmy seems to be, I'll say it seems to be understood that they are brothers and potentially maybe you have joined his family at a young age, but they are brothers and he feels like he is a cat honorary or otherwise.
Okay, so it's not like he is, I'm trying to figure out if he's like going along with the crazy or if he is also crazy and actually thinks that he's a cat. I don't get, I think that it's just more of like, it could potentially be an honorary thing.
It would be these, the two old guys, it's a little, it's a little, a little sticky.It's on the fence.It's on the fence.What are your other questions?I'll hold them.
I'll hold them.Okay. But they have to be directed to Jimmy if you decide to use them.
Yeah, okay.Yeah, no, there's no one better at fishing than Jimmy if you're looking to go out onto the sea.
I mean, I think, I'm not sure the Eerie would like any of you new folk to be heading out.It's very dangerous the later it gets.
They did mention that.Have you, do you know about, like, the lizard people that live down that way?
Oh, lizards, it's more of a wise tale.
I think it's all overblown.
Well, what is?They just kind of say that there's lizards and not to talk to them.
Something about wayward souls.
Oh, yeah, that too.Then they would call you towards the water and then now people are bursting into flames.Yeah, we're hearing a lot of things.
We just want to stay safe.
Well, and you see that, uh... We also want to go for the nighttime swim.
Quincy, Quincy looms in and looks and says, There's...shapes being in the words.
Shapes being in the gardens.Like a, like a literal garden?Like, like a, like a, like a real, like plot of land?Aye.
Soon.Soon. This podcast is brought to you by our Patreon.
Become a patron today at patreon.com slash legendsofavantress and gain access to tons of exclusive perks, including a monthly movie night and a weekly Patreon-exclusive campaign set on the high seas.Shroud over salt marsh.
You can also go to thecrookedmoon.com to pick up your own copy of our first published supplement, The Crooked Moon. a Folklore Tome for Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition.
And don't forget to snag all the extra goodies, like dice, miniatures, plushies, a tarot deck, and more.Thank you.
All right, so, I mean, you'll keep us safe around the water if you teach us how to fish.Right, and maybe teach us those words.Say 15 words, you said.We like to learn stuff and things.
Yeah, and what's this thing?
Because, you know, like a garden can't really be spending all of its time near the ocean because then what happens is, like, the tide comes in and the water gets into the garden and all the plants die, which is completely the opposite of what you want for an actual garden, so I don't really know what you mean by garden and also go down by the water.
Also, Do you know what type of cat you are?
Yep.But anyway, that thing about the garden.
And the words.The safety in words.Safety in words.If you have trust in the sea, in the garden,
All wayward souls are meant a welcome.
Where do you come from, friends?It's right in the band name, Muckbed Creek.
Yeah.The Muckbed Jamboree.
Do you have much family down in Muckbed?
All of them are dead.The dead, well, just a bunch of orphaned band dead.
Yeah, no, see, my family doesn't come from Muckbed Creek, because I'm a frog. You see?
They're all dead, too.Dead.Well, their mom's dead.Dead.Oh, well, my family's dead.
They're dead to me, but they're not dead.
Oh, I don't think I can teach you fishing.
Oh, hey there, nice.Hi.Take you out in your little boot.
If you can handle the sea?
Oh, I'll pin up that one, of course.Absolutely.I've only just seen the ocean today for the first time, but I'm sure we can handle the sailing.
So, to be clear, if we touch the ocean, we're going to turn into fire?
Yeah, can we set some ground rules here?I'm with Hazel.Hazel, my jug, Hazel. I just don't want to lose her to the ocean raging.What's your name?She's a cruel mistress.
Her name's Adele.That's Adele.
Who's Hazel?Hazel's the jug, my instrument, my jug.
Go ahead, blow on her.Blowing the hazel.Look at that, guys.See?
Lovely sound.I don't want the sea to take her from me.How many notes do you need on that?
Just the one. Sounds like a foghorn.A little bit?
Yeah, we thought about calling our band the Foghorn Froglegs, but it wasn't a good band name.
We went through a few different names.Anyway.Experimental phase.I was in a band when I was a young cat.
Did you, like, catch on fire and die horribly?
No, that was Barry.Barry?Wait, there's more than one bassoon player?That's what I call old Bartok.Oh, ah, Barry.
Oh, I wrote a song about Bartok.
Oh, I would like to hear it.
Yeah, well, tomorrow then.
We have a set tomorrow, is what she means, so you have to come and watch.Well, ah, exactly.
So about these words, again, he's trusting the sea, the faith, the garden.Trusting the sea, lads.Let's go.
Shall I not touch the water? Trust in me.Trust in me.
Just do as he says.Lead the way, Captain.Aye, aye, Captain.Let's go.All right.
As you make your way down, the rain is pelting you, and you make your way down through the streets to the dock, and you see that there is a little dinghy that is tied up, and it's clacking against the side of the pilings as he holds it steady as you all pile in.
And he looks at you and says, you can row.
I can row, I've got enough strength.I've probably rowed once or twice in my life.In me life.
Oh, I don't know if I trust that.Why would you cringe your use of mind?
Just for the proper accent, you see.It's more of an out of character thing.
No, he's not a dog, he's a pug.
I'm a cat, so I don't care for dogs.
Well, I'm a dog, and I very much respect cats.
Okay, Ro, Grimly.I will attempt to row.So you attempt to row, and as you heave, as he- I'm gonna- can- well, we touched the water.
I'm going to touch the water.
You touch the water and it feels like cold ocean.
I'm going to get into the water behind the boat and I'm going to kick my frog legs and help propel it.
Okay, so you do that and it basically turns into a little motor boat.
and you start to propel the boat a little bit more, and you make your way out, you see the spinning of the lighthouse, the beacon, basically a massive lantern that seems to be spinning around with the work of some strange mechanism that's spinning around and around as you're making your way out.
And you make your way, getting a little bit closer to the lighthouse, as the ocean is rocking and rolling, as he hands each of you a fishing rod and a bucket of tackle.He hands you each a tiny little minnow, and he spends about an hour
About an hour teaching you how to best cast a line.He actually has a net, too, and he shows you how to heave in, attempting to heave in whatever fish you can.Very, very, very few fish in this hour actually bite.
But the entire time, his eye keeps darting up to the lighthouse and towards a spot in the ocean.Same spot in the ocean. that you can't quite discern where it is, unless you decided to do something.
I choose the weapon skill murder.
You are in intimate range with him.No, I'm just going to continue to fish.
I don't really like to fish, to be honest.
Well, I've never really done it before, but you know, this is interesting.I like learning new things.
Um... Well, if you tell him to find you, then you'll get one.That's why they call it fishing and not guessing.
Oh, that's clever.That's very clever.
I was just gonna say, can I go in the lighthouse?I've never seen one before.
You've never seen a lighthouse before?
No.No, to be fair, I haven't even seen the ocean until today. It's just like a really big lake, I guess, but bigger.
It's like it goes on forever.
Yeah, it's like the biggest lake.
I've been the only one been up that lighthouse for years.
It is treacherous, especially for those that ain't got wings.
You don't got stairs in it.
I do.I ensure they're safe.
How do you get up there?Cats don't have wings.
I'm a cat with wings.That's a thing.
Yeah.Obviously, Piggy.He's a cat with wings.Have you?Not for sure.
All right.I'm going to swim down, catch a fish, and throw it in the boat.
Oh, that kind of skips points A through B. Yeah, that's why I call it catching, not fishing.
I just continue to do my thing.
If only I as a cat had the ability to do that.And knowing that a pelican would definitely be able to dive in and grab a fish, but he is not able to do that.He's a cat with wings.He's a cat with wings.
As he begins to row a little bit more, and he looks at you and says, what do you want to be looking up at the lighthouse for?
I just want to see it and see what it looks like here, but from there.
Get a better look at the whole ocean.
Yeah, you know how you said you were a musician?You know how when you look over at the greatest fans of the world, you're inspired for new songs?It sparks, it ignites the music in your soul.
Well, we're musicians, so being up there and looking out over the vast expanse of the ocean would really help to kindle that creative... Inspiration....inside of us, you know?Yeah.
Because I was thinking I'd write a song called The Catlican in the Lighthouse.
He looks at all of you.And whoever likes to make a- persuade an NPC role may do that.
Me?I'm bad.You were the only persuader.I'm really bad at it.No, Basil was.Isn't that- that's charm, right?
Booker said something.I'm happy to help.But I was not the one making the argument.
With that, he, uh, he stops.And he says... He looks at all of you.Ain't got no family.Ain't with the monkeys' age.Ain't with the eerie.
What do you believe is the natural state of the forest?Of the dimwood?
It's natural.By nature.It's trees.
For what it's worth, I haven't even seen the whole dimwall.How can I make a decision like that until I've seen it all?
I've just enjoyed it for what it is.Everywhere we've gone, I've been able to find the wonder in each of the clearings.There's lovely things everywhere.That's true.
You go around clearing and clearing, playing your instruments.You're wayward souls.
Wayward's one way to put it.One to lust is another.You know, there's a lot to see out there.
Depends how you define it.I'd say we have a purpose.Playing music with our friends.
Would you like to meet them?
Well, I guess, why not?You seem like a very fine gentleman, and we'd love to meet more of your friends.
My friends are people who enjoy... Enjoy each other's company.Enjoy the natural state.That sounds nice.
They're not that nudist, Sam.
They welcome all the wayward souls looking.
What's your problem with nudists?Sometimes you just need to get naked when you're angry.What?Angry?
We would very much like to meet them.Agreed.
Moments to meet them and you won't embarrass me in front of my friends.
Thank goodness none of you are birds.They hate birds.Uh, noted.
Yeah, no birds here.Just us.Just me and my frog legs.
Oh, so you aren't going to take us to the lighthouse?So your friends are up in the lighthouse?
Yeah, all right, let's go.I'm not worried about it.There's something incredibly ominous about this that makes me feel really comfortable in this dark night on this boat in the middle of a vast ocean of water.The sea rocks the boat as it's pelting.
I'm not sure we have much choice.Just do as he says.That's what I'm saying.I'm totally feeling fine with this.It's not even I. Start vomiting. Sorry, I'm seasick.
As he begins to row, and you see the lighthouse looming above you as the beacon spins around and around.As you see, there's a tiny little dock going out.It's on the jagged rock.It's almost just a handful of planks.
And he manages to dock and guide you onto the slippery rock.It's a little difficult for those of you not accustomed to the water. as he leads you up the small pathway up to the small door.And you see this small door is flying back and forth.
on his hinges, as it's flapping, it's clattering.And you see that this is probably not even used.You look up and you see that there's a little perch on the top of this lighthouse.As he's like, I'm shocked, there's still all these hinges there.
And he pulls it open. and it is pitch black inside.You see the occasional flash of light as the rotation spins around to a certain part that illuminates a bit into this chamber.What do you do?
Does he open the door for us, or is he just- He's held the door open as he basically caught the door.Oh, so there's stairs going up?
It's dark, and it's very- you see a little bit of light kind of going into the top of this room.Wow, this chamber.
I would say that you've been very nice to us, and then if your friends are half as nice as you are, then we've got nothing to worry about, right?
I guess that's true, yeah.
I'm gonna head in now, friend.Just watch my back and I'll wait for you inside.
Not that there's anything to watch out for, of course.Let's go.
And I'm just gonna step in.
While we're stepping in, can I just sniff around to see, what do I smell?Do I smell anything weird that I wouldn't expect?Read a tent situation for me.I'm going to say this is definitely a tent situation.What is it?Cunning?Cunning.Eight.Eight.
So I can ask one.Ooh. Who or what is the biggest threat?
You, this is the rules of the game, this is what's fun about this.
You get the sense that Quincy is absolutely a threat.But whoever his friends are, are definitely a bigger threat.
While I'm in the darkness, as you sniff around, and I'll say you'll get a little bit of flavor kernels with that, as you smell a dusty old lighthouse.
Whatever internal parts of this lighthouse have been able to shield from the battering waves of wind seems to be old and decayed.It is the scent of mildew.You smell rotting fish.
As you look up above, you see skeletons of fish and shellfish all around.It seems to have been scattered about.There seems to be a little nested area. built out where Quincy probably stays maybe one evening a week.Who knows?
Doesn't seem to be super lived in.But something is catching your scent.As you go into the room, towards the back end you see the lightning crash and it illuminates the room a little bit.It's a very bare entryway.
There's simply just a chest with fishing rods, tackles, some nets.And towards that area, you smell something.It smells like plants, flowers.
seems very strange and odd and a contrast to the smell of the sea and the salt and the fish that you're experiencing.And that is what you, whatever you do with that information, you may do.
Well, for now, I think I'll just follow Booker into the darkness and await further orders.Okay.
So, he, uh, guides you in, and, uh, he... he steps forward, and as he looks at all of you, he, uh... he says, You wanted to see the lighthouse, you alien souls.
Looking for answers to questions that bother you so.
You come here not allied to any of the powers.My friends and I have a true power.
And you all are the proper fit.
All right, where are your friends then?
Wait, the proper fit?Fit.
In the Black Reef. out on the sea.
Can we see it if we go up there?
He can see it at the right time, but he ain't gonna see it from there.
You get to meet him and he walks over to the large cabinet and he takes his wings and he pulls it back and you hear the scratching and scraping of wood on stone as a small stone passageway. is exposed in this lighthouse.
And it goes down deep into this rock.The smell hits you, all of you at this point.It smells like rich pollen and flowers and greenery that is, that's blasting from this passage.
Where are we?Where's this lead?Where's this going?This is unexpected.What's that?What's the smell like there? It doesn't smell salty like the rest of it, do you?
This is the garden of the sea dragon.The great god that shepherds all the wayward souls.
Is that why I smell plants?Aye.And it's down there?Aye.
Is it safe?If you truly believe... Believe what?
We believe in the power of the sea, the power of the tree, the power of nature, the great sea dragon.
Safety in the words, remember.Safety in the words.
We don't have alliance to any folk, the power-hungry folk, or those that lurk in the shadows attempting to restore balance.But it is simply the balance of their own selfishness.
Well, balance of nature, that is what matters.I don't... Of course.Do ye wish to go?Yes.Do we?I'm... I'm a little nervous.They're losing it, Phil.And the fire took them.Wow, wow, wow. Yes, we still want to go.She won.And he beckons away.
I cannot enter.I am merely the guide.What?That's from Swinget, right?
A cat with wings can still not pass into the garden.
I see.Um, well, we'll tell you how it is.I'll describe it for you once we get back.
It's, hey, that's be a torture worse than death.
But I believe.No time like the present, then.Let's go.All right.
Once we walk down and we feel like we're out of earshot, I'm gonna very quietly whisper.If I didn't, nobody would be in earshot.They probably have the sword.
That's where the fire's coming from.The last relic.
No, that's the only reason that that creepy pellet cat, that I allowed him to let us down here.It's not like I'm willingly going to whatever trial he wants us to do.I'm gonna play along, though.
Yeah, I'm gonna be honest, the only reason I even said yes in the first place is I felt like it was too far in to back out.I didn't want him to go crazy and then kill us.
Yeah, right when you're on the edge, there's never a reason to pull out.
That's right, we've passed the point of no return.
Yeah, you just have to propel yourself forward into the dark, dank caverns.
And you continue downwards as the wetness and the dankness of this passage gets more and more moist as you thrust down into this tunnel, this stairwell, deeper and deeper into this rock that seems to go
then level out, and you hear the roaring and crashing ocean all above you.It's incredibly dark.But as you see, you make your way through, it feels like the structure of the stone changes as you pass.
And as you make your way through, you reach a point where there's a massive stone slabs, very similar architecture that you remember. You saw it on top of the waterfall, in the forest, in the swamp.And you make your way through.
As you begin to, you begin to see shapes along either side of you.As you see that these are covered in in rhyme, and also in barnacles and sea scum, as it drips in from the ocean above you.
As you see bits and pieces of humanoid critter shapes, you see a bit of armor, a tiny little bit of, is that wood?That seems to be an antler.But one thing seems to be consistent.It's flame.It's fire. and you see bits of tree.Is that like carved in?
It's kind of the bas-relief style, the same style that you've seen across the board.As you continue and you make your way and you see that there are stairs going up, and there's a strange glowing light, and it's an orange light.
That orange light seems to be incredibly familiar. As it glows up top, the smell of pollen, of greenery, hits your nostrils and you actually see bits of fronds of grass up through the small passage up ahead, leaning ahead.What do you do?
Be ready to pull the relics out.It's just here now.
No, we shouldn't let them know that we have them.Yeah, but we don't want to play our cards too early here.It's just... Keep them on hand, but don't... Let's not reveal anything too quickly.
Have we heard anybody, like, moving around or anything?Like, any noise?
You hear the thrashing of the sea all around in the chamber, and it is almost cacophonous.And that's what you hear.
I really don't want to burst into flames.If we need to, we can kill. It's very fine of you, but I appreciate that sentiment.I feel safer now that you don't threaten to kill me.Yes.I... First thing in the flames would be terrible.
But the thing is, my workshop is difficult to reach but poorly defended.
And if I die here, then who's gonna look after it? I mean, it is difficult to reach, but it is important.
Well, we're not going to die here.I mean, that's, that's it.That's the bottom line.
What about your good friend, Hamiltoad?Hamiltoad is so busy being in the letters that he writes that I just don't think he would have the time.
And Slyza is so obsessed with Hamilton, I don't think she would ever think to look.And recently, Angela Croke is married and she just moved off to another one of the clearings with their super rich husband that's gonna give her a great life.
So they're not even gonna worry about, they won't even like look in, check in?
They won't even know.That's very self-centered.And Peggy, here I am, just all by myself having to look at my poorly defended and difficult to reach workshop. And you all have an artifact, right?
So if something happens, you can pull off whatever, and you have your banner, and you have your crown, and I'm standing here naked, and I don't have anything to protect me from the fire.You've got us.
Well, all of the artifacts have protected all of us every time we've used them.
Take this. This will keep you safe.
What are you handing me because your hands are empty?I'm handing you this.
I pulled the amulet out of my bag.What is it?And I'm passing you the big blazing heart amulet.
No, it's fine.You keep it.My job has been to get us here.
I just want you to promise me that though it is difficult to reach and it is poorly defended, should I perish this day, that it will no longer be Peggy's workshop, but it will be the garage for the band.
Oh, that sounds really nice.
I did leave half my liquor there anyway.Well, that was technically my liquor that you took, put into your containers, told me it was your liquor, and then asked me to refill my vat to make more liquor.That's not true.It is.But it's fine.
We'll get back there.Don't you worry.We're not dying here.You understand?All of you.Yeah, you don't have to tell me twice.
I haven't found my bumbleberry pie yet.
You'll find it one day.Alright.Let's do ourselves. Onward.
Before we go in, does anybody want this ruby?This clam strip ruby?Oh yes, there is.That is at least almost 24.Oh God.It's like four days old.It got a little salty in the boat.
But I think the salt does something nice for it.That's really good.I'm going to have to clean up your vomit later.We should have gone to his deli on 42nd Street.I totally forgot.Yikes. That's gonna be a yikes to me dog.
Onward!And I start marching forward down the path towards the glowing ember.You march, you make your way in these ruined steps, rise up, and suddenly you emerge, all of you, into a beautiful
botany, a greenhouse almost, it seems, of ancient craft that seems to be in a strange dome with large arcing pillars and supports rising up, and you see that there is a circular a circular hole in the ceiling with a dome over it.
And you see the sea splashing over it as the moon is rising up.And you see that there's bits of black reef all peeking around on all around this moonlight.
And as you emerge, the scent that you've been smelling this whole time is almost overwhelming as it feels incredibly natural. Like, this is the most lush verdant garden that you've seen.
There are no trees to speak of, but beautiful flowers of every color, vibrant, ranging vines, huge bushes and shrubberies.As far as you can see, strange, exotic, looking like they're from far off lands, even.And at the center of this, there is a
something in the center that's glowing, and it's orange, and it is a wooden effigy. seems to be made out of wood and wicker, all tied together in the shape of a large, almost reptilian form, almost snake-like, slithering out with a large fin.
And its mouth is open, and within it is glowing, this glowing, ominous, orangey light. that is similar to what you've been seeing.But it's all contained within this large effigy.
And as your eyes are drawn to it, suddenly you realize, once again, for the second time in this adventure, that you're all surrounded.Hooded figures stepping out, all with knives.And each of them with a torch.As they step forward,
several pieces, and you can see that one steps out from behind the statue.Bit of a longer snout, green scales, sharp teeth, pulls a head back, his hood back, and you see clearly a lizard face.
Your eyes dart around, and you see mostly lizards, but you see a number of foxes, mice, rabbits.You see a couple of other creatures.
Eight birds.Not a single bird.
Do you see?And you see that there is, however, a slab before this dragon.
It is low and seeming of a different pull from part, not an original part of the structure, but pulled in front of this effigy of a sea dragon.And it is bloody with feathers all over.
as holy shit as the lizard who pulls back his hood with this strange glowing torch that the wood is almost this dark black and he says welcome to the garden you have been brought by our messenger do you wish to join us or do you wish to die
Well, we certainly don't want to die.There's no need for the knives and threatening behavior.We're not here to die.And we're certainly not birds.
That's true, we're not birds.But your messenger was quite old, as I'm sure you know, and... And a bird, he was a pelican.
Yes, I guess.I don't know, he was confusing.
His faith is strong, and if you believe, You can overcome what you were born as.And you feel that there's a sickness.
He's sickened in even thinking about this pelican being a bird.
Well, it's just that he didn't tell us very much about you. He just said that we would be a good fit.
And it sent us on our way.
You're looking for wayward souls?Yes.You are all seeming to be wayward souls.I can see it in your eyes.Lost.
Travelling the dimwood without a purpose.Do you wish to seek any greater purpose than your own whim? There is a light for the lost and the meek.What kind of light?What kind of purpose?
From the fire of the sea dragon.
I'm just going to go ahead and ask it.What's a sea dragon?Zyrag.Zyrag?Is that its name?
Is he related to shit rag?The dragon?
I have not heard of a shit dragon.
It's from the shaman forest.It's populated by bears.Mainly three bears.
Just three.Just the three.
Holy shit!Um, what's your name, friend?
Welcome to the garden, and I wish you all to join us.We, the time is nigh.I have seen in the fire that there are disturbances.
In the treasures of the old, the time has come to strike, to bring down the bird menace, to use the power of flame for the restoration to return and create a beautiful garden across the entire dim wood.
So what do we have to do to join whatever this is?
You must pledge your lives To the cult.The cult of Zyrag.
Yeah, no, I'm not gonna do that.
Well, because I want whatever's inside of that weird wicker thing.
He turns and looks at the thing, but Zyrag... That is the fire of Zyrag.
Yeah, no, I want that.How do we get that?I've got a question.
Why just the birds?Why not the cats, too?
Birds are hateful creatures.They sit in their great perches and look down upon those that do not have the ability of flight.And it is in their nature to oppress and to disrupt nature.
There is not one person that can wield the flame.What do you know? that is within Xirag's soul.Why do you seek it?
Well, cause it's really pretty.If you look over there, there's a vibrant orange, which is, as we all know, the main color of Spooktober.And we're in a creepy forest where there are pumpkins and it's autumnal themed.
And if anyone is going to win the best Halloween costume of Macbeth Creek, it's going to be the frog who's dressed up like a tadpiler holding a flame in whatever's inside of that thing, obviously.
And it's the Muckbent Creep costume competition.Yeah.
Oh, Mr. Creep.Yeah, Old Man Creep.Well, that's definitely a person.
I mean, that person exists.
Yeah, Old Man Creep.Old Man Creep in Muckbent Creek.Yeah, you might know him because they were two old cats.
There's a strange aura about you.Three of you.
Oh, well, there are four of us here, so... What kind of weird aura?What does that mean?It just happens when I get nervous.
You seem to be tough with the same power as Zyrag.
No, I think you're just mistaking the fact that Grumley ate a four-day-old clam strip Reuben or something, and he is just... Yeah, that would throw anybody's arse out of whack.Yeah.
And we travel down a dark and dreary, kind of damp, moist cave with him in this state of being.
We are wielders of the power of Zyrag. Well, that's quite the bold statement there.All right, we're going to go with it.
Zyrag did not give you permission to say that.He told us that we were not supposed to mention it.We were supposed to trust that the faithful would know and do his bidding because of their spiritual connection.
You're not supposed to say that.Wow.Say what?Exactly.He turns and looks.
What do you know of Zyrag and the power he has?I do see lingering aura.
You know, it's like you said.The messengers aren't supposed to say anything about it.
There is nobody who knows Zyrag and his bidding and his abilities quite like the faithful.
Can you get a trick of NPC?
That's very true.That is very true.Oh, wow. Let me see.My goodness.
So they hesitate.So you can choose one.They hesitate, shake their confidence, weaken their morale, stumble, you gain a critical opportunity, they overreact, take plus one forward against them.What is your preference?
Oh, I have to look at this.
Yeah, you got to choose.I need to for some tricking. So what would it mean by a critical opportunity?Cause like, I don't think that we want to just like go in and steal it.
It could be a variety of different... I will do they overreact and we get one forward against them.What does that mean?What's one forward?It means that when we try and do something, we get plus ones to our role.
So it's basically like knocking him off of his guard and just overreacting about it.
So he looks and he says, hi, I, I, I am the most faithful of all of us here. And I did see the aura of Zyrak on you.
I believe, I'm a true believer.I do not doubt my faith.
And I have no doubt that he sent you the same message that he told us he was sending to the most faithful, that the shadow of birds, the rain of feathers would descend if you didn't do right by him.And I know
Then, as the most faithful, you will follow true to his word?That's true.Does he send a message through the fire?I consciously do.How else would he send a message?That's rhetorical.I'm saying he sent the message through flames.
I feel that, as the most faithful, that's not a question you should be asking us.I'm sure he spoke to you and told truth.
You know, something about, uh, shepherding the flames, uh, where they need to go.Or something along those lines.What is his will?
Oh no, he didn't communicate with you. This is a little awkward.
Are they not the faithful?
We are faithful.Well, I think they might be sort of faithful.
They were supposed to know.They must not be the ones.Where?He must not be the anointed one.
What did he say?In the flames?I have been praying.Why would Zyran not speak to me, the leader of the cult?
The fire has chosen the four. The dragon has been protected by the four.Shepard the flames.To shepard the flames.Shepard them away.And that the leader of the faithful would know them upon sight and allow them towards the heart of fire.
Oh, this is unfortunate.It's really awkward that we had to tell you this.
Yeah, this is really uncomfortable.
And the point of the cult was to, for this moment, for you to pass on the flame.It's hundreds.
Since the beginning of time, this has been culminating to this moment.
Whoever would like to make a trick an NPC with plus one may do so.
You have the highest stat.
No, I don't.Not for trick an NPC.
You're so cunning, probably, yeah.
I have negative one on charm.Oh, I'm cunning.It's cunning.
Oh, shit, I've been rolling with charm.
He seems visibly shaken from this, as he has morale and it's all gone.It's a stat, and it is all gone.As he almost like drops his torch.
I suppose it would be wayward souls would shepherd the flame to bring destruction of fire and the renewal to the feathered menace. Couldn't have said it better myself.
And that's our goal, is to bring down the feathered menace.
It is not our goal, it's our destiny.We were the chosen.Destiny.Destiny.Destiny.
Destiny.Destiny.I had believed, I had seen my glory in the flame. But I had merely been a shepherd myself.
And immediately he takes his flame and holds it in front of him and kneels and bows before you.And immediately a ring, all the cultists around you all kneel and bow before you.
I suppose I could get used to this. Well, no, please, please, arise, arise for us.Well, not too quickly, you know, take your time.
Continue to bow in reverence of the dragon.Close your eyes.
Picture the flame in your mother's eyes.
The flame of Zyrag.That flame is yours.We're picturing it.
It is yours.It's ours.Take it.
I'm gonna walk forward and I'm gonna reach into the thing, grab it, and try and yank it out.
So as you approach, you see that there's a large, that there's a large kind of wicker statue.You can take the time to kind of pull it apart.It's not super well built in this garden.
And then you can see that as you start to kind of peer in, you see a large sword plunged into this dark stone and it's glowing.
with the same radiance that all the others have and it seems to be licking with flames and almost occasionally you have to stand back a little bit as it then swirls around and shoots upwards and then kind of shoots out of the mouth of this effigy.
Let's not catch fire on this strange wood.
But a flame shoots out of the sword and you see that there are a number of, you peer down and you see built around this, there's a number of strange symbols that are glowing with the same kind of orangey hue as the rest of your artifact.
I'm gonna grab the hilt and pull it from the, I'm sorting the stone in this bitch.
Okay, so you wait for the right time and you grab it.And as soon as you pull it out, flames burst out and immediately incinerate the, uh, immediately from the room. and incinerate the entire bit of the statue.
And you see that on the hilt of the sword is nothing to do with a dragon.It is a crown of antlers. as the sword ignites into flame.
It's almost kind of getting out of control, it's blazing, and you realize that the strange emblem in the pommel seems to be able to turn.As you hold the sword up, immediately
The members drop their torches and put their hands onto the ground of this garden and stick their face into the ground and bow.And in unison, they say, chosen of Zyrag, chosen of Zyrag.This is going far too well.
I'm gonna hold up the sword.Here today, the most faithful of Zyrag have helped the champions of Zyrag to ascend in the ability to protect him, to protect The dimwit.
And I'm gonna turn the pommel.
So as you do that, they all are bowing, and then as you turn the pommel, similar to rolling up the business, nodding all the stuff, everything that you've done, it's licking out, it's almost getting out of control, this blazing inferno.
It's starting to burn away some of the sides of this chamber.And then as soon as you suddenly, And you have a sword that's glowing.
I'm going to look down.Only the chosen can control the flame.
And then I'm just going to go and stand with my friends.
You do that.And immediately... Impressive.
Thanks.That's what happens when you're chosen.I can't blink or I would if I could.
And immediately all of the other cultists are bowing down and you see the leader of the cult stand up.His torch is cast aside as well.
As he looks at all of you and says, you all are the chosen of Zyrag.Truly, you wield his flame. It shall be you that burns down the Great Eerie, and out of that destruction, the renewal that will create a garden as glorious as the one we stand.
We will carry the flame and use it for pure destruction against the birds.
Zyrad will guide us, as he always has, towards our destiny.
And it is midnight, and you see up above, the moon is at zenith, and it seems to be midnight.
As it's shining down, it almost looks, from the hue of this room, a blazing, almost like a blazing orange sun, as it shines down, almost connecting with the glow of the sword.
As you see that there are, there's a number of stone, the stone pillars actually have grips in order to climb up as the ocean that was in the glass has receded and it's just night sky.
And it seems as if the tide has gone out to a certain point for this black reef to be exposed.
That is where the holy place is.You can have our messenger call to the messenger.
He will hear you. Well, thank you.We appreciate everything that you've done for us, and we wish you well.And here, take my torch.I do not need it any longer.
All right.Sure.I'll hold it up.You hold it up, and it says, our messenger will know that it is from me.
Go with Zyrag.One more decree from Zyrag himself.
The sacrifices, the blood on the altar, it is not necessary for your worship.He does not need sacrifice, he just needs your faith.
The sacrifices culminate in the joining of the... of the tributaries.
The faithful will be rewarded under the ever watchful eye of the dragon.And I point up at the bright glowing moon shining down.
They all look up.Chosen of Zyreg!
Well, this has been fun.Zyreg be praised.Zyreg be praised.Everyone have a lovely night.We'll see you around.
And with that, Booker scampers up, and you all make your way up.And as you make your way up, they are all saying, Zyra, be praised, Zyra, be praised.
The sword gleaming in this light, and as soon as your torch extends, you hear a call, a familiar voice on the wind.As you see a flapping form of Quincey, as he looks down at you.
Choosing his eye rag as he flies and immediately goes and gets his rowboat and he brings it around.A large black reef spanning out across in this area.As you manage to climb on, it is very treacherous and sharp.
If you're not careful, it's easy to slip and cut yourself on this thing.As you all wait and you all, what do you do as the boat is docked?
What do you do?I don't know, get in?No, that's what we'll do.We'll take us back to shore, but maybe don't take us directly there.There's somewhere under the cover of darkness you can get us back.We can slip back into the inn for safety.
I know the best spot to avoid all of the eyes of those filthy birds.
A feathered menace.Do that.You should hide the sword.
Yeah, it's inside of my jumper.
Perfect.You all, um, the four relics all maintain.You step off and you heave off and you row and row.And as soon as the sword crosses the threshold away from the reef, suddenly you're running.
As you look behind you, the reef slides forward and interlocks and then a low rumbling and it sinks beneath the sea.
Wow, would you look at that?
And that is our one session.
Damn.Are they dead?Are all the cultists dead down there?
Did you just kill everybody?I mean, the cultists, but... I, well... Adventurers in Shell.
Adventurers in Shell.They could get out of that.
This is so weird.I don't think they're dead.
I don't think they're dead.
Yeah, I don't think so either.
We hit all the fucking beats in that fucking episode.Holy shit.What?
Thank you so much for listening to the Legends of Evantress podcast.We hope you enjoyed the session.
If you want even more campaigns to listen to, become a member of our Patreon at the Pearl Dolphin Tier or higher to unlock Shroud of Ursalmarsh, a patron-exclusive campaign set on the high seas.
You can find that at patreon.com forward slash Legends of Evantress.If you want to chat about the episode with the Evantress community, join us on Discord at legendsofevantress.com forward slash discord.
We also post content nearly every day on YouTube, TikTok, and Instagram, so make sure you follow our socials at legendsofavandrus.com forward slash social.
And make sure you check out The Crooked Moon so you can terrify your friends with a folk horror 5e supplement published by us.Get your own copy at thecrookedmoon.com.Thanks again, and we'll see you next time.
