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Hi, I'm Reshma Sojani, founder of Girls Who Code.Look, I'd consider myself a pretty successful adult woman.I've written books, founded two successful nonprofits, and I'm raising two incredible kids.But here's the thing.
I still wake up wondering, is this it? And if the best years are yet to come, when's that going to start?
Join me on My So-Called Midlife, my new podcast with Lemonada Media, where we're building a playbook for navigating midlife, one episode at a time.
Each week, I'll chat with extraordinary guests who've transformed their midlife crisis into opportunities for growth and newfound purpose. At some point, we all ask ourselves, is there more to life?
I'm here to discover how to thrive in my second act, right alongside you.My So-Called Midlife is out now, wherever you get your podcasts.
This is Glenn Close.Yes, that Glenn Close.Is there another one?I don't know.I've never heard of another one, but yeah, it's me.The Golgoroth Alliance is proud to present Hildi the Barback and the Lake of Fire.
This presentation is brought to you by Theatre of the Mind.
Before we begin chapter two, unless you're an idiot, you should have already enjoyed chapter one.Its ferocious intensity should be indelibly burned in your brain, bringing you to the precipice of enlightenment.
Also, before you ask, we don't do recaps of previous episodes because recaps are stupid and play down to the audience. We would do recaps if someone paid us a lot of money to do them, because mama loves gold, treasure.
But we're not doing a recap today.
My name is Hildy.I am a barback at a medieval pub with peasants galore and piss on the floor.And I long for something more.
Be the one whose soul desires to turn my shire into a lake of fire The menfolk say they'll protect me, but they would fuck up a cup of coffee It's got to be me!I must set us all free!It's my destiny!My name is Hilda and I'm fortunate enough to live!
Chapter 2, the second part of the beginning.Fennec, who is shockingly still alive, has just stumbled back into the shady cockerel, stunning Hildi, the wounded Gerd, and the rest of our heroes, who thought he'd been incinerated by an Ur-dragon.
Hildi, still holding the scabbard, gives her older brother a fierce hug.
How, Fennec?How are you alive?Oh no.You always make weird mouth noises when you're gonna lie, Fennec.When you say, oh mommy, you are definitely lying. You sound so dumb right now.So dumb.
Release the truth from your infernal gob, man.
Fine.If you all recall, I'd had several ales before we decided to ride out.I don't like where this is going, Phoenix.Well, my bladder isn't the strongest thing in the whole world.
Bladders are supposed to be supple, pliable.
Mine is very rigid, okay?Before we all crested the hill, I decided to dash off beside a tree to do my business.And as nature flowed through me, the dragon attacked.
But why didn't you come back after you heard the dragon's roar?You could have helped us fight the Moralist Fennec.
Well, I kinda urinated, it would seem, on a dryad.
For newcomers, a dryad is a nymph, usually around the size of three adult corgis, stacked nose to tail, who inhabit a tree.
That was always my blessed mother's number one rule of thumb.Never piss on a dryad.
Well, who would?Obviously.
How was I supposed to know there was a wood nymph living in that particular tree?They're hard to see, and it's night.They look just like part of the tree!
What the?How dare you urinate on me with your disgusting urethra!
I'm so sorry, Dryad.You look like part of the tree.
So you're saying that it's okay to pee on my house?
I didn't know it was your house.
I didn't know it was your house.Stop it.Stop it.
Now you're being immature.
I said I'm sorry, okay?Well, that's not good enough, you stinky, awful person.Do you know what I'm going to do, stinky, awful person?Say what?
That's because I might have done that wrong.Hearken to me, and hearken hard.I'm going to wander the forest, and I'm going to gather my clan, and we're gonna fuck you up.It's gonna be gratuitous.Obscene.Violent.Stop it.Anon, asshole!Back to present.
So the Dryad uttered those horrible words towards me and stormed off into the forest and I, of course, was understandably frazzled.
Anyway, I still needed to relieve myself and due to my distraction, I managed to get myself stuck in my very sharp armor.
Wait a minute. So you're telling us you couldn't come join the battle because you angered a tree deity, and then you got your dick stuck in your armor?Is that the takeaway?
When you say it like that, it sounds really bad.We may want to switch back to the threaded hand.Hildi holds one of the five pieces of the Dread Aegis, and Ur-Kral the Horned One will come for it again.
I remembered where I had heard the tales of the Dread Aegis before.My grandmother would read them to me.Stories of awful power.I think that scabbard you're holding, Hildy, is one of the keys to its... Of course it is.
Hildy's holding the scabbard of fate, the fifth and final piece of the Dread Aegis.
What?How would Balthasar's bathtub, would you know that, Fennec?
Oh, Dad told me before he died.He said, never tell Hildy that the scabbard of fate hangs in our tavern.This is knowledge for the man folk, not for the delicate, simple women in our family who are more fit to hold their boobies than a secret.
Throw punch!I didn't say it, Dad said it!
Yeah, well, Dad's dead and I needed to punch some stupid guy and that's you.Alright, what do we do now?
The town crier enters suddenly.He's an old, eccentric man in a threadbare cloak.He's a part-time sorcerer who may or may not be in love with a horse.
What do you do with one of the five pieces of the Dread Aegis, Hildy Hillsbury?What?Well, I'll tell you, so you don't have to guess.For I am Arnucius, the Town Crier.
Yeah, we heard you, Arnucius.It's wonderful to see you.We welcome your wisdom, good sir.I mean, you do tend to list a little to the crazy side, but you do have the gift of foresight.
I do and I am!You must be told and told by me, Arnutius the Town Crier, that the evil dread Aegis is a collection of weapons which when wielded together give the wielder nearly limitless power.
Yeah, we know that, Arnutius.
Well, did you know that Ugral the Horned One, descendant of Gathlemor the Evil himself, now knows where the Five Pieces of the Dread Aegis are?
But he must never get them, for if he wields all five weapons at the same time, he will have limitless power.
Urgral?Oh no, I thought he was in the lands far away, my very weird friend.
No, keep up!He has returned to Golgorath, and Urgral's wrath at his minion's failure to acquire the scabbard will be mighty, and horrible, and unthinkable, and heinous!
He's right.Evil is growing.I can feel it myself.
The choice is yours, Hildy Hillsberry.For you, and you alone, must lead this quest which holds the fate of all of Golgoroth in the balance.
I can't simply just leave my life to lead a quest.We can just put the scabbard back on the wall and pretend none of this ever happened, right?
I do not think that will work, Hildy.
Silence! You know what you must do, Hildy of Hillsbury, and I'm tired of telling you about it!You must lead them!Your journey begins by taking the scabbard of fate to the kingdom of Thymedal and the elves!
With that, the town crier raises his arms and poof, he is gone in a puff of purple smoke. You heard him, Hildy.
You must do this.I... I don't know if I can.
Would you prefer Fennec does it?You make a good point.But I'm a barback.I never wanted all that much out of life, just to run my family bar, maybe have a few ales with my friends.
Hildy, it's me, Gerd.Yeah, I know it's you, Gerd.Okay.You must accept this quest, first best friend.I will follow you and offer my life to your service.And I will bring my... Now you're gonna say Warhammer, right? Yeah, that's okay.You did great.
I shall go with you too, Hildy.You've got a good head on your shoulders, but if you ever need advice, I'll be there for you.And I'll also bring lots and lots of daggers.
Oh, that's okay.I think that's probably for the best.Well, they come in handy.And of course, I'll also come along to help as I can.I'll bring my most deathly potions, except for the ones that could very possibly kill my friends.
Thank you, all.It seems against all odds we must begin our quest.Come on then, pack up.We're off to see the elves.
Yeah, yeah.Hey, we walkin' or ridin'?Because it is a long walk, is my understanding.
Well, it doesn't matter, Fennec, because you're not coming.
Yeah, I am.No, you're not.I have heard there is a barge.It's like a two-minute walk, and then we can just barge.
I'm not gonna have this conversation with you.Take a barge wherever you want, but it's not gonna be with us.
I need a horse.I have kind of a gouty foot.
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.All right.This month, I'm all about showing a little gratitude, not just to the people in our lives who keep us sane, shout out to my family, both on this show and in real life, but also to ourselves.
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That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Hildi. I have to say, making a show like Hildy the Barbeque and the Lake of Fire is a lot of fun.I mean, I get to work with my husband, my friends, even my two girls.
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On the other side of Golgoroth, in the land of Sha'adu, in a mighty royal chamber, Ur-Grol the Horned One holds council with Drith, his cunning royal chamberlain.
Enter the royal study of Earl Grawl the Horned One.May his dominion be infinite.
A soldier of the Morlithian Guard enters.Even a fool can tell he's frightened.And only a fool wouldn't be.
Speak, Morlith.We haven't got all day.Earl Grawl the Horned One is a busy king.
I come bearing terrible news, my lord.The scabbard was not retrieved and Morlor the Strong was slain.I see.
I find this vexing, Morleth.
Yes, I thought you might.I'm expecting to be slain.No one else would come tell you because they were all afraid.
The Morlithian soldier closes his eyes and waits for death.
Drith.Yes?Have this soldier's entire company slain with a maximum of pain and devastation.We will allow this particular piece of vermin the gift of life to reward his courage.Oh, that's so kind.
Thank you, my lord.Thank you for my life.I wish for you all the things that you wish for in your evil, perfect heart, like many, many babies.
If that is something that you'd want, it's hard to know, you know, what you'd want because of your perfect omnipresent evil.I wish I had not mentioned the babies.That seems like it was a horrible idea.Adult children, possibly.Okie dokie.
Oh, Magnificent One, goodbye.
Maybe especially him.He gives me the creeps.Doesn't he though?What was all of that about babies?It sounded like he wanted to impregnate you.I was like, where are we going with this?I mean, don't be creepy when you come in here.
Meanwhile, our heroes, including Fennec, who has insisted on coming on the journey over the Arguments of Hildi, march the high trails over the golden hills of Gaugain that separate the village of Mervig from the beautiful kingdom of Thymedal.
They have all their gear packed on three ponies, walking many miles as they seek the counsel from the lords Freymann and Thymen, the kings of the elves.
Houdy, how are you going, mate?You seem a bit distracted.I'm fine, Mirabelle.I'm just a bit nervous about leading our group on an incredibly difficult quest to fight true evil.
What if somebody dies?Someone is going to die. That's what I wanted to talk to you about.You're cheering me up by telling me that, yes, definitely one of us is going to die?At least one.Yep, sorry.But just so you know, it's an FYI.
Wow, Mirabelle, uh, how do I, how do I say what I want to say?Um, maybe don't coach kids, okay?Maybe there's still time to turn back.
What is that incredibly scary sound, best friends?She-wolves.They almost never travel this path.My pony!Someone has stolen my pony!
A cloud passes, and there on the hillside, under the light of a full Gogolrathian moon, a pack of she-wolves, graceful and deadly as you please, approaches.At the head of the pack stands Ilsa, the Dryad.
You might remember her from Fennec's unfortunate urination mishap.
What ho!Tiny penis, motherfucker!That sack of shit right there is who we are going to tear to shreds!
This she-wolves is the bastard who pissed on me!
Ilsa the Dryad approaches finish
I told you what I was going to do, right?I was going to find some friends and fuck you up hard.Get ready to bleed from every place on your body that you don't want to bleed from!
That's kind of everywhere, actually.
Fennec, damn it all to the six hells!I'm sorry!Okay, surely we can reach some sort of accord, fair triad.
My brother... This shitwick is your brother?
Yeah, with no pride at all.
Well, I guess that means you need to die as well.Wait a minute.Wait a minute.We're not close.She-Wolf Queen, you and your pack shall feast tonight.That's perfect. Flesh we must have for our feast.The buffet is open!
And you know where I want you to start.With the bulls!
Okay, everyone, swords up!You too, Fennec!
Yeah, yeah, I was already doing it.
You absolutely weren't doing it.Perhaps Samantha, my sword, shall save us all.Have you considered that?Your sword is named Samantha?Yeah!
They're still, like, 30 feet away.No one has ever battled with the she-wolves and lived to tell the tale.
She-wolves, on my howl, attack!
Yes, yes, this is Purta.Wait, I'm sorry, the light is so low.Is that Urfta?Urfta Death Castle?
Good to see you!It has been a minute, girl.
You look amazing.Everyone, this is Purta.No, no, not her.She's the one who sold us the good shampoo.
Oh. That's right!I remember now!We were at the tavern in Gledu and you were saying how no one cared enough about she-wolves to get you connected with quality hair product.You disembowel a few pregnant women and suddenly everyone thinks you're a jerk.
Yes, I agree.Very unfair.
Perda, you sold shampoo to a gaggle of she-wolves.
Not just any shampoo.Quality shampoo.
Sisters! human blood tonight?
Ugh, fine.I'm gonna go to sleep in a tree, and I'm not going to get pissed on.But I promise you this, Fennel.I'm going to make your life a living hell from now on.
If there's anything that ever annoys, irritates, or causes you pain, please know that it hath been done by me.You've made an enemy for life.And when your enemy is a tree deity, you're super fucked.
She should really see a therapist.
Through the kindness and former business dealings of Pyrrha, our heroes now have a powerful escort to the kingdom of Thymdal.They are led straight to the Elven castle Olaru by Erfta herself, Queen of the She-Wolves.They camp there for the night.
In the morning, while Gerd and Mirabelle tend to Gerd's wounds in the Elven hospicadia, Pyrrha and Hildi seek the counsel of the kings.Hildi makes Fennec wait outside.
Their gorgeous royal elven majesties, King Thymond and Frymon, welcome their guests and ask that they rise for the Elven National Anthem.
Elves are the coolest, elves are fun, name someone cooler you can, there's no one to compare with our long wavy hair.
We sail mighty rivers on hand-carved bow We storm across the tundra on wee nanny goats We're fast, singing songs of days past We stroll in the club like we're out of a fable A hush in the crowd as we stand on the table and say We'd like dry Chardonnay
We cast magic spells, we wear pretty clothes But don't call us hobbit, we'll bite off your nose You've been warned, your face will be mourned We tell the best jokes, we threw the best vino We love to make love and then drink Pellegrino We're cool, that's our one golden rule Elves are cool, so try not to drool
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All hail King Thyman and King Fryman.You have guests to gaze upon with your royal visage, my beautiful lords.
I forgot to mention, King Thymon and King Frymon are the most handsome elves in all of Golgorath.Seeing the beauty of these handsome, tall elves put Hilde almost in a trance-like state.
She's accustomed to ugly bar oafs, not sexy elves in tight, fitting royal mantles.
The ropes are indeed tight in all the right places.You know, and I wouldn't kick them out of bed for eating possums.I do not believe that is a saying.It is now.
Welcome, noble company.Myself and King Fryman are most happy to welcome you to our hallowed halls.
Wow, thank you.Gorgeous kings.I didn't mean to say that out loud, but I did.That's yummy, yummy.
You know, we can hear you.
Well, I, uh, upped my ante.
I do agree with you.We are so, so very yummy.Just spicy, salty, tangy.All the flavors.We, we run the gamut.
Oh, I want it in my mouth.Oh, dear God, Hildy.I did not mean to say that out loud.
No, we, we heard you.You want us in your mouth.
I don't take it back.In my gob.
Oh, I personally appreciate your candor, though you look as though you've had a long journey.Your hair is dirty and you look especially tired.
Oh, well, good news.I'm not that tired.If you get my meaning.I'm wide awake.Happy to splash my bits, have a few ales, get to know each other.By the way, my name is Hildy, but you can really call me any.
Hildy, we're on a quest.Remember the quest?
Also, drinks?Tis the morning time.I never have a drink until the moon is beyond the stars of Shazil.Oh.Methinks you might have an alcohol problem.
And you never drink ale.Ale. Carbohydrations are far too plentiful in ale for me.
Yes, we're laughing together.
I'm joining you in laughing.
No, no, no.We are laughing.Us two.Just the two of us?No, just the males.The males here.Wait, wait, wait.Why are you touching my arm?
Why are you not touching my arm, King Thymeat?It's King Thymon, not Thymeat. Mm, but it could be.You hear the words that I'm saying?If, in the most effortlessly sensual voices, I'm just saying that thigh meat's the best meat.
Thank you.There's thigh meat for you right there.
Someone has been eating lots of hot garbage.
Hildy, get it together, please.I find you a bit vexing, Hildy of the dirty blonde hair.
I get it.Okay, now I get it.I understand what's happening here, which is great, but you gentlemen only like gentlemen.
And a very happy couple at that.
We're intimate on all levels.
Okay, so I had no chance here even before I walked in.
Oh no, King Simon and I are polyamorous and pansexual.
Which means that we shall sleep with almost everyone.Oh.Just not you.Not you.We would be quite interested in making powerful love with any of the rest of your party, though.
Wait, I said I'd splash my bits, I'd take a bath, I'd hit water.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's not gonna help.I'm just gonna move your face over here and look at the rest of your body.Really?
Can you get your hand off my face?My royal kings, I might have an extra five minutes if anyone would like to become insanely intimate in that amount of time.
Ooh, ooh, my lines for Purta.
Herta, come on, get your mind out of the gutter.Right.We are here, oh great beautiful kings, to speak of the Dread Aegis.
With that, Perda and Hildi tell the story of the Morliths attacking Myrvael, and the scabbard of fate coming ever so close to falling into the wrong hands.
So it is beginning.Hundreds of years before it was foretold, Ur-Groll is the greatest evil we shall face in our time.
The board is set, the chess pieces are in place, and Ur-Groll has made five moves before we even knew that we had begun to play the game.
I feel like I should be writing this down.
How do you know he's missing that?
Because we keep it right over there on the magical altar of Lor- Holy fuck!Where is it?Where's what?Look, King Fryman!
The gauntlet is missing!And on the lovely lavender pillow where lay the gauntlet, now there is an ugly black box with the mark of your grawl left upon it.King Fryman picks up the evil ugly box.
I must!No!No!Black, noxious smoke plumes from the small, evil box.And along with it, the magically transmitted voice of Ugral himself.I got the gauntlets of light, you motherfuckers.
You stupid fucking elves.
Shut the lid!Forgive me, but her girl sounds like a complete asshole.Wisely spoken, Hildy of the Dirty Blonde Hair.You know, I'm not honestly loving this new nickname.
Ladies and gentlemen, the fate of all Golgorath depends on what we do next.
We are happy to take suggestions, Oh Mighty King.Let me confirm with my best friend and lover.
We believe that we cannot attempt to hide the items of the Dread Aegis.You must find the other pieces as we assemble the Elvish army and reach out to our allies across Volgarath.
Do you not think that you should assemble a team of mighty elves to attempt to acquire the other pieces?A large party will not go undetected, and it is exactly what Ur-Grol will be planning for.
He'll be scouring the countryside with Ur-Dragons and Morleth forces.
Along with other evil things under his command.Things so dark and evil that their very names cannot be uttered.Holy shit, really?Shit indeed.
You've clearly shown your skills simply by retaining the scabbard, especially when somehow Ur-Groll got the Gauntlet of Might from a highly fortified elvish castle when there were at least 300 elves that were supposed to be watching it?
Good, honey, calm down.Hildy and friends of Hildy, whose names I have never learned or already forgotten, but they are attractive.You may rest here tonight.Your long journey to find and recover the pieces of the dread Aegis begins tomorrow.
We will lend you the services of Lord Armored God.He's a valiant soldier and has failed many a foe of our kingdom.
He looks useful in a fight.Welcome to our company.What shall we call you, friend?
Your silence is extremely not creepy, good sir.We also offer you the services of one who has long served the elves.He is descended from centaurs.Behold the chief advisor of the centaur kingdom, Otto Equestus the centaur.
By the gods, Perda, I have always, always wanted to meet a centaur.I've heard they are majestic beyond belief.
Greetings, salutations, hellos.
Just give us a minute, buddy.We're here to meet a centaur, so.I am Otto of the Centaur Kingdom.That's me.
What?That can't be right.You only have two legs, and they're just two normal-looking human legs.I mean, OK, you know, when I'm a little closer from the knee down, they're a little more horsey.
But what are those toes on your hooves?Indeed, it's a mix of toes and hooves.They are horse legs from the knee down. I'm what is known as a half-tar.Half-tar?That's so interesting.
Not a letdown at all, right, Perda?Not even slightly disappointed, Otto.It's such a pleasure.
Hildy, rest now.You must recoup your strength.Remember, all of our lives hang on the razor's edge.
The razor's edge, which is sharp on the edge of the sharp razor.
Hildy, keep this in your heart.Every journey is impossible until the dawn rises again in victory.Also, if you fail before the seventh sunset, we will all die devastating and torturous deaths.
Oh, jeez.That's not a pep talk.
It's got to be me!I'm a star! It's my destiny My name is Hyldi And I'm fortunate enough to live
Why, hello there.This is your pal, Sarah Silverman.You know, the standup comic that's not afraid of a diarrhea joke.Oh my God, I'm so brave.I hope you're enjoying this podcast that you're listening to.
I am just dropping in here to let you know about another podcast I think you'd like, and it's called the Sarah Silverman Podcast.
Each week, listeners from all over the world call in and they ask me for advice or they talk about something going on in their life. anything, their silliest, grossest, deepest, darkest situations.And then I respond whether I'm qualified to or not.
Go ahead, search for the Sarah Silverman podcast wherever you get your podcasts.
Bye. People love to pretend that there are simple formulas for living your best life now.Eat this and you won't get sick.Manifest it and everything will work out.But there are some things you can choose and some things you can't.
And it's okay that life isn't always getting better. I'm Kate Bowler, and on Everything Happens, I speak with kind, smart, funny people about life as it really is.Beautiful, terrible, and everything in between.Let's be human together.
Everything Happens is available wherever you get your podcasts.
