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This is Glenn Close.The Golgoroth Alliance is proud to present Hildi the Barback and the Lake of Fire.This presentation is brought to you by Theatre of the Mind.
Chapter One.The Beginning. Many ages ago, there was a verdant green land named Golgorath.It was a land full of magic, legend, and high adventure.
From time immemorial, the tales of Golgorath featured heroes who were, how do I say this, they were all dudes.But in the year 361, in the waning years of the Oluru, a new hero found her voice.
She was unparalleled in her sense of integrity and justice.She was also a barback.Her name was Hildy.
My name is Hildy.I am a barback at a medieval pub with peasants galore and piss on the floor and I long for something more.
I'm the evil one whose soul desires to turn my shire into a lake of fire The menfolk say they'll protect me, but they would fuck up a cup of coffee It's got to be me!I must set us all free!It's my destiny!
My name is Hildi, and I'm fortunate enough to live!
We begin our tale in the quiet village of Meervale at the Shady Cockerel, a quaint pub that has been in Hildy's family for generations.Our hero, Hildy Hillsbury, is visited by her friends Gerd, Perda, and Mirabelle.
But Hildy is currently unable to enjoy their company as she's busy trying to settle an argument between two dim-witted patrons of the pub.
I says that the sky is light blue.
I says the sky is sky blue.Yes!Sky blue!
Gents, please, unclench your moist meat paws.
You know, good and well, there's no fighting in the pub.Also, you can't say the word of what the color is when you say what it's describing.It's like saying the frog is frog green.
This is Perda, a merchant, cunning and wise.Frogs are not green.They're olive.
Mirabel, can't you put a spell of forgetfulness on them or something?
Sorry mate, that's a super hard spell to execute.I've been working on it but every time I try, something really ominous happens.
This is Mirabel, an eccentric alchemist and sorceress in training.
Uh, should I decimate these bags of fecal pooping with my warhammer, Hildy, my very best friend?
This is Gerd, a half-giant, powerful and loyal friend to Hildy.
No, Gerd, no, you should not.Thank you, but I will handle this.
Hey, half-giant, I'm arguing with my friend here.You womenfolk had best be quiet.Enter here.
Oh! Judging by your breath, gentlemen, which I don't actually mean, I still am quite confident that you do evacuate your bowels through your mouth!
Oh, there we go.Winch.That's the magic word.Anyone who says it gets a... Pie of meat?
No pony?Not today, but you do get a dick punch.
You get another dick punch.You get a dick punch too.Guess what?Because I've got a special running today where you get a third dick punch.
Oh, Gerd, would you mind taking out the trash?
Yeah, I'll take them out like yesterday's bags. of trash.
Hearing the commotion, Hildy's brother Finnick rushes in from the back office.Finnick is slow and lazy and Yak was given ownership of the bar upon their parents' death instead of Hildy because, you know, patriarchy.
So Hildy actually runs the bar while Finnick does whatever the hell it is that he does.
Unhand those fine men.They're paying customers.
They've been banished, Fennec.They haven't paid their bill in months and they're fighting about colors again.I've given them each a multitude of warnings, so no.
Or yes.I say they're not banished and I'm the owner of the Shady Cockroach.
Okay, indeed.You are technically the owner of the bar, Fennec, because women cannot own taverns in this insane bullshit age.
Yeah, that's what I just said.
And if you say it again, you will no longer possess the penis that is currently ruining your undershorts.
What?If you test me, brother, I will burn you until you're dead.And then I'm going to bury you alive.Ew, Dave.
That doesn't make any sense.
I think it does, because first I'm going to kill you by burning you.Then I'm going to bring you back to life, just so I can chop you up again.A little bit of mulch, throw you to the animals, have the animals eat you.
Then I'm going to have the animals shit you back out.And then I'm going to put a nice little rope around that area, and that's going to be the Shady Cockerel's new restroom.
Just don't let Yannick, the drunkard... Only Yannick!
Only Yannick!It's gonna be his personal place to do what he does, and you know what he can do to a chamber pot.Takes the finish off!
Well, after a consult with my sister, and as the proprietor of this establishment, they are banished.Girl, throw them out!You got it, pheasant. You know my name is Fenn.Okay, that's done.
I'm gonna go to my office now and um... Nope, don't do the thing you do.
Hey everybody, drinks are on me!Never a good idea.I explain it to you, then you get it, and you forget, you do it again.I want people to like me.Maybe you should think about trying to work on your personality then.
Oh, it's a gorlock!What is a gorlock doing in my tavern?
A gorlock is a small humanoid creature, similar to a goblin, but with slightly better breath.
Get behind me all, as I raise my war hammer!No, no, no, no, no, wait!
Lower your mighty war hammer, Kurd!Unless my eyes deceive me, I may know this gorlock.
And lo, Hildi did in fact know this Gorlock.And upon looking more closely, she can decipher that he is bleeding from many arrows.
I am bleeding from many arrows.
Mirabelle, is there a spell that can help him?No Hildi, this poor creature is beyond my aid.Here friend, have some potion for comfort.Yes.
That tastes just terrible.
Okay, so this one has got no healing qualities.It's just supposed to taste good.
Well, it's awful.It's somehow bitter yet cloyingly sweet.The finish is almost mind-bogglingly terrifying.
Thank you so much for that feedback.
Mirabelle, you gotta get a handle on your potions.As I die, sweet Hildy, do you remember when we'd play together as children in the sands?Sand?Yes, the sand.Yes, yes.I was just recalling.We'd playin' as children.Yes.The sandy sand.
My only friend.Oh, Jesus. Um, uh, sure.Yeah, that's... definitely remember that, uh, friend.I've come to warn you, the Maulists are coming.
Oh, Morleths, this is not good.
Morleths, by the by, are ruined creatures of pure evil.They're taller than men with claws like iron and cold black eyes.They've served the dark masters of Golgorath since before the beginning.
I scout these lands and I saw them.The Morleths are at least a hundred strong.They seek the Dread Aegis.
The Dread Aegis, also known as the Armor of Doom.There are five separate pieces.The Helm of Magic, the Gauntlet of Might, the Boots of Destiny, the Sword of Power, and the Scabbard of Fate.
After the elves, humans, and good creatures of the ancient times banded together and defeated Gathlemor, the evil one... Ow!It still hurts so much!
They hid each of the five separate pieces of the Dread Aegis in five different places strewn far and wide across Golgorath, where they believed no one could find them. But now, evil is rising.
Someone, someone wants to put the five pieces back together again, and rule all!Ah, Hildi.I always thought that someday, we'd be married. Uh, yes.
Yes.We both thought it so many times.I thought about that so many times.I did dream of that.I thought that too a bunch of times, my dear friend, who I definitely, definitely remember from when we were children.
Innocent.Innocent.Playing on the sand.Before I die, let me hear you whisper my name.
Do you not know his name?No!Do you?No, I don't know his name.Is he maybe a John or a... He could be a John, could be a Luscious.Or Lucious.I thank you for the warning.
Sleep, the sleep of the gallant.
Thank you.Wait, who the fuck is Lucious?Oh shit.
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Later that evening, in the center of town, the citizens of Meervale hold a meeting with the council of the seven village elders who are all dudes.And much to Hilde's chagrin, her idiot brother, Finnick, is the leader of the council.
Even though Morloths attack from time to time, as we all know, they have never attacked our village in numbers.Yet now, 100 Morloths are coming?For what reason?Esteemed guests, we do not know.
We do know they're seeking one of the pieces of the Dread Aegis.The Gorlok literally just told us that in great specific detail.
Yeah, I didn't get all that.Gentlemen of the Council of the Elders Seven, what say you?
Wait, wait, wait.Listen, why don't we just send Mirabelle's raven out to see what they're actually up to?This way we can better plan our defenses.
My raven, Wondreth, is quite a fast flyer, and though she only speaks in song, she is very efficient.
I speak only in song.The day is long.How can this be wrong?
Honestly, that bird creeps everyone out, Mirabelle.It really does.Also, also, her songs barely have any rhymes.Have you ever heard of a rhyme scheme, Raven?
A-A-B-B-B-A, what kind of rhyme would you like today?
Gentlemen, irregardless of my respected sister's statement, I believe that we need to march forth and meet these Morloths head-on!
Wait, wait, wait!The Gorlok said there are a hundred Morloths headed towards us, and your solution is to take seven men and ride straight at them?
Oh Hildy, Hildy, Hildy, my simple, sweet younger sister, who I love with all of my heart.You just don't get it.Sometimes, as a man, you need to put on some armor, mount your horse, and go into battle to kick some butt.
Men, please, please listen to me.Don't do this.We can make a better plan.At least you could take Gerd with you.She could defeat all seven of you in one battle.
No way.I am strong indeed, but not stupid enough to go fight a hundred more or less with these soon-to-be-dead idiots.
Listen, I know we've had our differences, and I know that recently I... I may have threatened to kill you.Repeatedly.Well, you deserved it.But you're also my brother, and I do love you.And if anyone's going to kill you, it should be me.
So I'm asking you, please don't go.
I must.We will return in victory.And then free drinks at the Shady Cockerel for everyone forever. Men, to battle!
Fennec leads a charge of the seven brave fools as they gallop up the hillside.If only they had heeded Hildi's warning, perhaps Mirabelle's raven Wandereth would have seen that the Morleths were not alone as they charged westward towards Miravelle.
No, they were led by a mighty Ur-dragon, far from its home in Sha-Adu.It is a size of 30 horses with mighty wings, razor talons, and a breath of flame.
The dragon sits on his rocky throne On the mountaintop, in quiet repose He gazes out into the night At his earthly realm, his eyes aglow And you bravely climb the rock face With your sword of iron and your arm of gleaming To bravely face the beast
All the townsfolk look up from below Why would you ever fuck with a dragon?You dead-wish-having moron!Have you never read a storybook?Not like it's a secret!First he's gonna bathe you in hot fire!And then he's gonna swallow you whole!
And he's gonna shit you into a volcano!All of this could have been avoided!But you! Well the fool, who, thought he could fuck with a dragon You are the fool, who, thought he could fuck with a dragon You stupid, stupid asshole
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The dragon blows her mighty breath of flame. And the men from Mirville are instantly incinerated.
Oh, no.Fennec.My brother.My older brother is dead.
In the distance, we hear the sound of 100 Morleth soldiers as they crest the hillside, a sound that would chill anyone to the bone.
Hey everyone, get back to the shady cockerel.We'll bar the doors, Mirabelle, stop at your house, and bring the forbidden potions.
I'm not so sure about that, Hildy.My potion abilities are not yet mastered.That's exactly what I'm counting on.Bring the absolute worst potions you can find.We'll need everything you have if we want to stay alive.Okay, I get you, mate.
Look, I'll be there in a jiffy.
Into the cockerel.Put the kids and caregivers into the back room.
No pushing or shoving, please.And can you please help me brace the door? Hildi, my very best friend, I see so many Morloths marching in such an evil manner.
A large Morloth, the leader named Morlar the Strong, leads the charge.
Leave none of them alive!We shall drink their deliciously yummy blood!
Hildy, they're close now.What do we do for his best friend?
First thing we're gonna do is we're gonna pray to Balthazar with our left hand, and then we're gonna kick a little ass with our right.
Whoa, that's cool.Very best friend, that sounded really cool.Thank you, I felt good about it.
I say let them come for us!They'll find that the women of this village have sharper teeth than the men.No offense to the men present, but we do need you to fight too.But you're, you know, you're not great, usually.
Look there upon the bar, there are swords and shields for everyone!Not you!You know who I'm talking to.Nicholas!Put it down!
There were only 25 townspeople in the cockerel who were fit to draw weapons.Not enough.The Morloths enter the shady cockerel.Morlar the Strong is in the lead.He looks disgustedly at the townfolk, led by Hilde and her friends.
This will be easier than I thought.Just a bunch of women and a couple of really petite men.Give the word, Captain!I want to drink blood!You know what we're here for.Ur'gral the Horned One seeks it.Give me what I seek, and I shall kill you quickly.
I can't say I love that deal.
More liths!You may attack when ready, and drink the blood of numerous beasts!
Hildi looks at Morlar the Strong.She wonders, what is he staring at behind the bar?Gerd is attacked and swarmed by Morlus.
Why do you say Warhammer while you kill them?Well, friend, my mom used to say it when she would kill enemies with her Warhammer!
Families, am I right?Kildee now wields a sword in both hands.She stabs and dodges the ever-growing crowd of Morloths.Yet she notices that Morlar the Strong still isn't engaged in the fight.
What's he doing?He's looking at that old scabbard we had hanging back there behind the bar forever.
What's a scabbard again, best friend?
It's the sheath or the sword.Perda, I need your speed.Don't let him grab it.
Perda gracefully leaps towards the scabbard. grabbing it seconds before Morlar the Strong can clutch it in his huge, ugly hands.
You stole what is mine!Now you die!
Not today!Because I'm really, really fast!
Perda jumps away seconds before Morlar's mighty mace can smash her head. Gerd looks to her left, and there are just too many Morloths to fight at once.Oh no.
Gerd, thinking she has just been given a death blow, sees that what she thought was a Morloth landing a strike to her mighty chest was really Perda underneath a Morloth, and she's just sunk a dagger into his unholy scrotum.
Okay, you are now my second best friend.
Hell yes!The one with the hammer is strong, my lord!
As the rest of the Moras heed the call for the second wave to enter the Shady Cockerel, they are met by a curious sight in the street outside the tavern.
What is that?It's a woman.What's that on its face?
Mirabelle steadies herself, then closes the door to the cockerel.
It's funny, really, because I was trying to create a natural facial cleanser, and what I created by accident is actually the deadliest potion known to womankind.
And as much as I hate to kill so many of anything, well, you're all unspeakably evil, so bye-bye, mates.
Mirabelle smashes the crystals to the ground, releasing the dreadful poison into the air.
It's all closed inside!This is seriously wicked stuff and also it's a really horrible exfoliator!More like the strong!Face me!
Oh, I shall.I have the wonderful good fortune to end your life today, and Ur'gral the Horned One shall reassemble the pieces of the Dread Aegis, and all Golgoroth shall bend to his will.
Morlar!Our battle will live on in legend!The birds will sing of this clap!
Gird strikes a mighty blow upon Morlar the Strong. smashing his head into a million pieces.
Aw, Gerd!I was gonna kill him!I had, like, a whole plan.
Upon seeing their fierce leader killed, the rest of the Morloths flee like rats.
We've won!We've won the battle!
Um, Al?Wait, what happened?Uh, Morlar stabbed me a little bit.
Get in here!I can't!The air outside is still poison.Luckily you're inside with the door closed so no poison can reach you as it dissipates into the Golgorathian atmosphere.
Kurt, you're gonna be okay.
You're gonna be okay.Bertie, grab the cloth off the bar!
No, not that one!Please, the clean one!Am I dying, very best friend? Am I dying, very best friend?Let me look, let me look.
Oh, thank the gods, no.You're gonna have quite a scar, but you'll live.Especially if Mirabelle can give you a potion that's worth a shit.
I'm going to come inside in 10, nine, eight.
This doesn't seem like science.You're just randomly counting down from 10 saying it's safe.Three, two, one.And you skipped four numbers.Here I come.
Mirabelle rushes in to the tavern.
Good, oh my sweet good.Just a second mate, let me give you some potion.
I should tell you Mirabelle, that I've always loved you, my second or now third best friend, but I wish you were my first best girlfriend.
Oh, well that's lovely.Okay confession time, I've always hoped that you'd fancied me, but You're not going to die, okay?Here, drink this.Wait, wait, wait a minute!Wait, are you sure that that's the right potion?Of course I am.Oh, wait.
Oh, actually, no, no, don't drink that.Do not drink that.
Dammit, Mirabelle, always double check.
We've been through this, please.Oh my gosh, yeah, you're right, I know.I'm so glad that you said something, Hildy.She would have been a goner for sure if she'd drunk that.And then I'd be out of a new girlfriend.This one is the right one.
Gerd takes a sip of the potion and it tastes slightly less horrific than Mirabelle's usual potions.You are so brave.Let me kiss your cheek.
Mirabelle does kiss Gerd's cheek and whether it is because the potion actually has healing powers or perhaps the kiss from a new girlfriend, color flushes back to her mighty cheeks.
Wow.If I hadn't been so recently stabbed, I would call this day perfect.Hey, goodness.
It looks like you're going to be OK.I have to be honest.I don't think I can handle any more surprises today.
With that, footsteps approach them.Hi, Heldy.
Fennec?You're alive.It's got to be me.I'm a savage. It's my destiny My name is Hyldi And I'm fortunate enough to live
Why, hello there.This is your pal, Sarah Silverman.You know, the standup comic that's not afraid of a diarrhea joke.Oh my God, I'm so brave.I hope you're enjoying this podcast that you're listening to.
I am just dropping in here to let you know about another podcast I think you'd like, and it's called the Sarah Silverman Podcast.
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