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The Jack Benny Program, transcribed from its early release for presentation at this more convenient hour.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, tonight we're broadcasting from the world-famous Hollywood Canteen.Yes, the Hollywood Canteen, where hundreds of thousands of servicemen come to see stars like Dorothy L'Amour, Betty Grable, and Lana Turner.
So without further ado, we bring you a man dressed in a sarong, showing his legs, and wearing a sweater, Jack Benny!
Thank you.Thank you, thank you.Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, I hate those corny introductions.You don't have to make up a lot of silly things just to be funny.But Jack, I didn't make anything up.
For one thing, you are wearing a sweater.So what?I'm cold. I've got just as much right to be cold as Lana Turner.Besides, when I take the trouble to knit something, I'm not going to throw it away.Anyway, I'm not trying to look like a glamour girl.
Oh, hello, Phil.Hello, Don.Hiya, fellas.Gee, it's great to be here in the camp.Hey, hey. Hiya, Phil.Hello, Dorothy.Yes, sir, fellas, it's wonderful to be right here in the canteen tonight.Phil, stop calling me Dorothy.Oh, it's you, Jackson.
I'm sorry, that sarong had me fooled.Phil, it's not a sarong.I've been making sandwiches in the kitchen and I'm wearing an apron.An apron?Then how come you got it pinned up over one hip with a rose?Where? Oh, well, I didn't put it there.
When I came here, that rose was in my lapel.Then what's it doing down on your hip?It's a rambling rose and shut up!Anyway, we're here to entertain the boys, so let's get started.Yeah, and say, Jackson, you want to know what's happening tonight?What?
Well, Alice is letting our baby daughter listen to the program for the first time.And gee, I'd like to say a few words to her.Well, go ahead, Phil.Okay. Hello, my ill-bitty tootsie roll.
This is your great big dowdy talking, and your great big dowdy is going to come home soon, and then a little lampty-wampty can pull your little arms around him and give him a great, great big kiss.
Oh, that... that was cute, Phil.Thanks, Jackson.Now I'd like to say something to the baby. Phil, I thought you were talking to the baby.Listen, Jackson, if I ever talked that way to my kid, she'd hide my cornbread.Well, I wouldn't blame her.
Run away, Phil.Fine ad, live line.Hide that cornbread.Phil, how old is your kid now?Oh, she's... Well, let me see now.
Well, she was born in February 1942, and this is February 1944, so... Well, now, let's see.There's 19...
It's 1942.You got a pencil, Jackson?
Yes, Phil, but this one won't do you any good.There's no eraser on it.Anyway, here.
But Phil, the answer's very obvious.If your baby was born in February 1942, and it's now February 1944, she must be two years old.How do you know?It ain't your kid.
Wait a minute, Don.I'll make it easier for him.Look, Phil, how many candles did you put on your baby's birthday cake?Sixty-three. You put 63 candles on your kid's cake?Why not?I can afford it.Oh yes, Alice is working.
Bill, I don't care whether you can afford it.At least my ad lib gets something, you know.Bill, I don't care.I don't care whether you can afford it or not.Your kid was born in February 1942.This is 1944.She must be two years old.
All right, so she was born in 42.She's three years old.Bill, she's two years old.I'd say she's three.I ought to know how old my own kid is.Answer the phone, Don.Give me that pencil, Bill.I'll show you.Hello?
Yes, yes, he's here.For you, Phil.Okay.
Hello.What?Oh.Are you sure?Okay, honey, goodbye.You're right, Jackson, the kid is two years old.Who was that, Alice?No, the kid.
Well, I'm glad she straightened you out.We come to the Hollywood canteen to do a program, waste half of it by... Hello, Jack.
Well, how's the show going?
Oh, hello, Mary. Mary, I was trying to find you.Where were you?You're all out of breath.Your hair is messed up.Look at your shoes.What happened?
I was jitterbugging with a soldier in the middle of Vine Street.
In the middle of Vine Street?Mary, if you're going to jitterbug with a soldier, you should do it right here at the canteen.
Where do you think we started?
Oh, you mean someone opened the door while you were dancing?
What door?We just went da-da-da-da-da-da, and we were out in the street.
Well, most of these boys here are in such a hurry, they like to dance with a girl and see the town at the same time.
Well, it wasn't so bad when there were just the two of us dancing down the street, but before I knew it, we picked up 12 more soldiers, 17 sailors, 9 marines, and 2 civilians.
Yeah, with that mob hanging on me, they thought I was the Sunset Bus.
Well, Mary, you certainly are having a lot of fun today, aren't you?
Yeah.You know, Jack, I like to dance as service men, but the way they grip you, oh brother!
Jack, they hold on to a girl tighter than you hang on to a dime.
Mary, I don't hang on to dimes.
You don't, huh?Every time you open your coin purse, a little sign comes out and says, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
That's the name of the manufacturer, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh Smith.And some.Anyway, Mary, forget about me and think about the boys here at the canteen.You promised to help serve sandwiches.
Oh, you're right, Jack.I better go out in the kitchen and see how my maid Butterfly's doing.She's helping out too, you know.
Okay, Mary.I'll see you later.
My heart tells me this is just a fling Though you say our love means everything Oh, Butterfly!Butterfly!
Uh, Butterfly, how are you getting along with the food?
Oh, fine.But the radishes keep disagreeing with me.I don't mean that.Tell me, how do you like working here at the Hollywood Canteen?Oh, it's wonderful.You know, Miss Livingston, last week when I was working in the kitchen, Hedy Lamarr was there, too.
Yes.And you want to know something?I think you're much prettier than she is.
Now, now, Butterfly, if you were working for Miss Lamar, would you still say that I'm prettier than she is?
Oh, Miss Livingston, you'd see right through me, don't you?
Well, flattery is nice, but you shouldn't overdo it. By the way, wasn't your soldier boyfriend supposed to come here to the canteen today?
Yes, ma'am.But Jerome Coleman told me he couldn't get away from camp.Because I liked him then, gave him a special award.A special award?Yes.K.P.!
But Butterfly, that's no special award.K.P.means Kitchen Police. Oh, I thought it meant Captain Sal.Well, it doesn't.How could they possibly give an award for... Oh, there's the introduction for Dennis Day's song.
Let's open the door so we can hear it.
Deep in Shadowland I drifted Through the night that used to be But now the veil is lifted
And I see Two heavens One high in the sky Two heavens One here in your eyes I never dreamed to kiss an angel
But darling, here you are, in an overcoat of moonbeams, cottoned with a star.
I'm thrilled to high heaven. Just feeling your touch My heaven I love you so much And while our lips are making memories This moment is divine Two heavens And both of them When I feel your touch, my heaven, I love you so much.
And while our lips are making memory, this moment is it.
I see true heaven over them on high!Very good, very good.
That was Two Heavens sung by Dennis Day for the first time on the air.And Dennis, you sang that beautifully.
No, I sing and I sing and the only one that swoons is me.
Well kid, you certainly are frank.I wish I was.
Now look, kid, after our show tonight, I want you to go home and pack because we're going up north to do some camp shows.Up north?Yep.
Oh boy, are we going as far as San Diego?
Dennis, San Diego is south of here.That was before the rain.Oh yes, that's right.I agree with everything.Well anyway, Dennis, be sure to pack tonight.
Because we're going to leave tomorrow, and our next broadcast will come from the Army Air Base at Lemoore.
Okay.Oh, say, Mr. Benny, do you mind if I take my mother with me?
Your mother?I don't even want her to come down to the station.Every time I get near that woman, we wind up in an argument.Well, you don't know how to handle my mother.Why don't you do what my father did?What did he do?He killed himself.
Dennis, I met your father on Wilshire Boulevard this morning.Doesn't he look awful?Now stop with that silly talk and tell your mother to stay home.Say, Jackson, when we go up to San Francisco, what am I going to do about the band?
You know, they're working here in Hollywood.Phil, just tell them to play a little louder and we're all set. You know, don't worry, we'll hear them.Ah, Jackson, you're always complaining about my boys being too loud.They don't play loud at all.
They don't, eh?No.Phil, last summer you were playing here in Los Angeles while I was in Cairo, Egypt.And when one of your boys stood up and played his flute, three snakes stuck their heads out of a basket and spit at me.
And now, fellas... Oh, say, Jack... Yes, Don?I meant to ask you, speaking of Cairo, are grape-nuts and grape-nuts flakes as popular in Egypt as they are here?
I said, are grape-nuts and grape-nuts flakes as popular in Egypt as they are here?
Popular?Let me tell you a story, Don.Come closer.This may be interesting.Very interesting. I was crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel, and the sun, the merciless, unrelenting African sun, was beating down, scorching the desert sand.
When out of this burning vastness, a figure came staggering toward me, weak from exhaustion and starvation.As I jumped down off my camel, this man, this stranger, this wanderer, crawled up to me, and sobbing hysterically, he cried,
Give me food!I'm starving, I tell you!Starving!Save me!Oh, save me!I'm dying!
I gazed at this pathetic figure... ...with pity in my heart.
And then I reached into my knapsack and took out two boxes.One, grape nuts.The other, grape nuts flakes. His eyes lit up with anticipation, and again he screamed, Food!
Food at last!I'm saved!Saved!
So I said, Here, my good man, which will you have?Grape nuts or grape nuts flakes?For the next three days, he couldn't decide. So I'm trying to help him reach a decision.I said, listen, my friend.
Grape nuts are a malty-rich, sweet-as-a-nut cereal with whole-grain nourishment.
While grape nuts flakes are a malty-rich, sweet-as-a-nut cereal with whole-grain nourishment.So he looked up at me and said, I like them both, I tell you.
Both!I don't know which to eat.Oh, save me!Help me decide!
So I said, take them both, my good man.They're not rationed.So he took them down and he ate them both.Grape nuts and grape nuts flakes.Not even noticing there wasn't any sugar in cream.
And when he got through, he was so happy and so grateful to me for saving his life, he threw himself on the ground in front of me and said, my, what big feet.
Jack, Jack, is that story you told me the truth?
Did that actually happen?Yes, Don.It happened exactly four times.With the same man?No, he was busy one night.We had to get another actor.Anyway, the story is the truth.
That's right, Don.I was there with Jack when it happened.Well, hello, Larry.Well, look who's here.Larry Adler.
Larry, what are you doing at the Hollywood canteen?Oh, I drop around here quite frequently.So do I. I generally bring my violin and play for the boys.For one thing, Jack, you know your constitutional rights.
Larry, after a crack like that, you ought to do something to redeem yourself.How about playing a number on your harmonica for the boys?Begin the beguine.What do you say to that?
Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, oh, oh.
That was Begin the Beguine, played by Larry Adler, the world's greatest harmonica player.Oh, now, Jack... You know, Larry, I wish I could play an instrument that you could blow, like a harmonica or a clarinet or something.
You shouldn't have tried it with your violin, Jack.
Well, I saw a picture of you and Larry in North Africa, and you had your violin in your mouth.
Yeah?Mary, that picture was taken just as the boys were shoving it down his throat.
Oh, yes, I recall that.Say, Jack.Yes, yes, Don, with sugar and cream, yes, yes.And now, fellas.Oh, say, Mary.He don't care as long as he's got sugar and cream on him, that's all.Fellas, Mary, how's the food coming along?
Well, Butterfly's finished making the sandwiches.Gosh, I wonder if the lemonade is ready.Oh, Rochester.Rochester! He never hears me.Phil, give me a pair of dice, will you?Thanks.
Who's doing it?How much and what's the point?
Rochester.He went right down on his face, folks.Rochester, where were you when I rattled those dice?In Pomona.
Way out in Pomona?Yes, boss.I'd have been here sooner, but I came in on my knees.
Well, get up off your knees.People will think you're Al Jolson.Al Jolson?
After it rains, I'm still Rochester.
Well, get up.You're supposed to be in the kitchen mixing some punch.
Well, boss, as long as I'm here, I'd like to help entertain the boys.I rehearsed the song.
Well, that's a nice gesture, Rochester, but you can't sing.
Who can't sing?You just don't appreciate my soft, tender voice. Soft, soft, tender voice.Yeah, in my part of town, they call me the sentimental fellow with the mellow bellow.
Really, boss, I used to sing with the whole Johnson Choir.
Johnson threw me out in the hall.
And how do you expect to sing here?
I've been practicing.I got a trained voice.Listen.
Do you call that a train voice?Yes.Sounds like it was trained with a whip and a chair.Anyway, Roger, I'm not going to argue with you any longer.You can't sing here.
Now, wait a minute, Jack.This is the Hollywood Pantene.If he wants to sing, let him sing.
Go ahead, Rochester, and sing.Now wait a minute, Kander.If he sings, I won't have time to play my violin.Play your violin?Yes, I don't mind doing comedy and jokes and everything, but to me, music brings out the real Benny.
Anybody who hasn't got an answer to that is stupid.
Harry, keep at it.No kidding, Eddie.Don't you think that I have the poise of a great violinist?
Well, Jack, remember two weeks ago when I came to your birthday party and you played Love and Bloom?
Let me tell you something, Jack. When you lifted your violin and placed it under your chin, that was true artistry.
And when you finished and took it from under your chin, well, Heifetz couldn't have done better.Thanks, Eddie.But brother, that stuff in between must be a new secret weapon.
Oh, what do you know about music?You're just jealous because I've been in show business longer than you have.
How could you have been in show business longer than I have?I'm older than you.You're older than me?Are you kidding?I'm older than you.What are you talking about?I'm much older than you.I'm 39.Well, I'm... Oh, are you as old as that is?
Gee, I didn't know that, kid.Well, I did exaggerate a little.I'm 37.
But even at that, even at that, I'll have to admit I'm a year younger.Well... Answer the phone, Bill.Okay.Hello?Yes?Okay, I'll tell him.Who was that, Bill?My baby.She wants you two kids to come over and play with.Well, what do you know?
Shall we bring our rattle? Yeah, less.
With your bones, you won't need any.
Oh, yes.Come on, Eddie.Let's go. Well, fellas, we sure had a lot of fun here at the canteen, and Larry Adder, thanks a lot for joining us.
You're welcome, Jack.It was swell.
And Eddie, it was nice of you to drop over, too.Say, Jack, do you mind if I say a word?No, no, no, not at all.Go ahead.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to listen to my program next Wednesday night when I have a most important announcement to make.Somewhere there is a man in uniform who will be $5,000 richer when he returns from the war.
You, his mother, his father, sister, brother, wife, sweetheart or friend, can help him get that $5,000.For complete information, listen to my program over the same station next Wednesday night.Goodbye.
Well, this has been rather a musical program, wouldn't you say, Mary, with Dennis singing and Larry Adler's fine harmonica solo?It's too bad Jack didn't play his violin.
Well, to tell you the truth, Don, I know why Jack didn't play his violin tonight.
Well, he didn't take time this morning to eat a good breakfast.
Well, Mary, do you mean if Jack had eaten a good breakfast, he could have played his violin?
No, but at least he'd have the strength to hold it.
Well, I think you're right, Mary, and my idea of a good breakfast is one that includes delicate, toasty brown grape-nuts flakes with a crisp, distinctive texture and grand, sweet-as-a-nut flavor.
And grape-nuts flakes are a whole-grain cereal, so they bring you all-around bodybuilding nourishment.They're a thrifty buy in the big 12-ounce economy-size package.So, friends, if you want to play the violin beautifully,
Start your day with delicious, nourishing grape nuts flakes.Eat a good breakfast, do a better job.
And fellas, we'll be with you next Sunday night broadcasting from the Army Air Base at Lemoore near Fresno, California.And to the Hollywood Canteen, thanks for inviting us to broadcast here today.Good night, folks.
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