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Hello.Hi, Penny.Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.
I'm amazing.Thank you.Even better now.
Well, first of all, Penny, it's wonderful to meet you.I'd love to know just a little bit about you.Where are you calling from?And tell us a little bit about yourself.
So I'm calling from Aotearoa, New Zealand.I'm from Christchurch.I have a lovely partner, Malcolm, and we have four cats, which is overwhelming, but that's kind of our main personality at the moment.
After one or two cats, did you think maybe enough?What made you get four cats?
Oh, we got a third one because the other two are quite old and he was really lonely.So we got a fourth one and we thought it would be OK.We're like, it's fine.It's not that many more.But the two younger ones are Maine Coons.
So it suddenly felt like a lot.And even we're like, oh, God, we've become those people.We're the crazy cat people now.
Yes, you have become that which everyone fears.
Penny, tell me, so you have this, you have a partner named Malcolm, is that correct?
Okay.And how long have you two been together?
We have been together just over five and a half years now.
Oh, very nice.And how's it going?
It's good.It's good.Yep.We own a house together.That sounded really unsure.No, it's great.We own a house together.We have four cats.What more could we want in life?
Well, you just described it's the American and apparently also the New Zealand dream is a cat, four cats in a house.How do you think I would like New Zealand if I visited you?What do you think we would do?
Oh, you would love New Zealand.It's a really, everyone is very, very friendly and welcoming.The things that you would do, we love adventure sports in New Zealand, so I'd take you bungee jumping.
Bungee jumping was invented in New Zealand, so everyone that comes to visit has to give it a go.
Okay, here's the, no, first of all, Penny, I don't have to give it a go. Let me explain to you that I'm taller than people think.I have very long legs.
My fear is that they will attach the bungee cord, but they will underestimate my length and also they will underestimate how much I stretch so that my neck will hit the bottom of the gorge and it will crack, leaving me paralyzed.
I think there's an 80 percent chance that happens.Hmm.
They always do it in really deep water, so you might just get a wee dunk and your head just might go in the water and you'd be okay.
I know there's going to be a rock right where I dunk.I'm also afraid, and I'm being honest about this, that my ligaments are weak, that my legs would just tear off. when I hit the end of the bungee rope and my torso would go spiraling into the water.
I'd still survive somehow, but it would be a memorable experience.
You'd make it on the news in New Zealand.Everyone.
I mean, if. If losing my leg, if separating my legs from my torso and almost drowning in the water gets me on the news in New Zealand, I'm in.I love attention.I love news coverage.Is there anything I can help you with if I visited you?
Is there any way, Penny, that I could be of service to you?I like to try and help my friends around the world.
Absolutely.So, as I mentioned, Malcolm and I have been together for five and a half years.We are getting so much pressure from everyone in our lives to get married.Everyone's asking the question, when are you getting engaged?
When are you getting married? We're both pretty chilled out about it.We're in no great rush, but everyone else we know is getting engaged and married at the moment, so the conversation's coming up all the time.
Malcolm's in even less of a rush than I am, so when the time comes that I'm really like, okay, it's been long enough now.It's time.I need to really help with like a way I can just subtly start putting that thought in his mind.
He's a pretty chilled out, easygoing person, so he's just kind of like, it's all good, no rush, we'll get there when we get there.
But he's also a really big yes man, so if I suggest things and like come up with plans for us to do, he's really happy to go along with things and Well, I just need a plan to help.
Have you suggested, Penny, that maybe first of all, a couple of questions.A lot of young people just don't see the need to get married these days.They can live together forever and never get married.But would you like to get married?
Probably one day it would be nice to at least get engaged and just have that at least.Yeah.Yeah.
Like an engagement ring, but then you'd never want to get married.Maybe just an engagement ring for a long time.All right.
Maybe we'd eventually get married, but we'd like elope somewhere.It'd be really casual.It wouldn't be a whole big shebang or anything like that.
Here's what I'm getting, Penny.I'm getting that Malcolm isn't that focused on getting married, but you're not either.Is that right?
I'm not at the moment, but I feel like in another year or two, I might be like, okay, It's time.It's the logical next step.So right now, I'm not, but I feel like it might be coming.
OK, Penny, are you asking me to come to New Zealand and talk to Malcolm and maybe put some pressure on him?Would you like me to do that?
Either that or if there's some like way you can subtly just start, give me some like little subtle hints of things I can just weave into our conversations.
Well, um, no, I don't think she doesn't want you to come.
I'd love you to come, but only if you come bungee jumping.Oh.
Oh, wait a minute.Okay, so you don't really care that much if I help you get engaged.That doesn't seem to be important to you.But you do want to see me be badly injured jumping off a bridge in New Zealand.
No, I just really want you to experience a great Kiwi tradition of bungee jumping.So you really feel like the New Zealand culture.
Do you have any other traditions besides bungee jumping?Like we drink a whole bottle of red wine and we watch old Baywatches, you know?Anything like that?
We actually do.New Zealand has a little bit of a binge culture, binge drinking culture, which is not the best, but we do have a tradition in December, the first weekend of December called Crate Day.And everyone gets a big crate of beers.
It's 12 big, big beer bottles.And you drink, you start, get up early in the morning, you drink the crate.
Oh, and then you go bungee jumping.
Yeah.That's the thing is we want to integrate both.So maybe a crate of beer and then bungee jumping.
And then a wedding.Followed by a wedding.Yes.
So what if we did that?What if I drink some beer, then bungee jump, and then you two are married on the bridge that we just bungee jumped on?
And you could officiate the wedding.
I would do that.I've done that.I've officiated weddings before.Do you think Malcolm would be open to that?
I think Malcolm would 100% go along with it.If the plan was there, he'd be like, yeah, why not?Let's do it.
Wow, so you could just by sheer fact that you would officiate might escalate their wedding.
That's big.But did you hear the two parts before that?
Yeah, you got to do those.I have to drink like this crate of beer.I'm not exactly a beer person.Can we change?We can swap it out.Can we modify it so it's like a really nice Russian River Valley Pinot Noir?Jesus Christ.
instead of a beer, you know, we'd have to make it like a New Zealand Marlborough wine.I would have to be a wine from here because it wouldn't feel right having an overseas wine.OK, you know what I'll do?
Yeah, I can put a New Zealand label on any. Any wine.We'll figure that part out.We have, you know, a prop department.In fact, we can put anything in the beer bottles that we want.So I'm not worried about that.
I think what's important is that what you're describing is a scenario where I drink the beer, then I bungee jump, then I officiate a wedding between you and Malcolm.Do you think that could happen?
Absolutely.It definitely could happen.
That's cool.That's exciting.And you know what?That's a cool wedding.And tell me something, would that be thought of by New Zealanders as a, oh, that's a great New Zealand wedding?
Oh, yeah.Everyone would be like, fuck yeah, that's pretty awesome.That's New Zealand.
Grandmothers everywhere.Fuck yeah. Wow, I mean, yes, I would do that.I would do that.If I can, I would want to check with my doctor first.Dr. Arroyo?Yeah.
I want to check with him.Because you broke hot wings, so I think you should do all this drinking of the crate and then the bungee jump.
What if you don't make it?
Well, you could get someone in here.You know what?I bet Paul Rudd could slide into this slot very easily.
There should be a contingency plan if he doesn't make the bungee jumping.
Paul Rudd is my backup.Okay.Because people love Paul Rudd.Yeah.He's super funny.He would slide right in.You could still call it Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend and Paul Rudd would do it and everyone would be just as happy.We don't lose one listener.
No, they might actually be rooting for you not to make it.
Yeah, that's what I'm worried about.We don't lose one listener.We gain thousands.You know what you're going to find out?
I'll die and then someone's going to notice the bungee cord was cut and you'll see Paul Rudd scuttling into the underbrush wearing a fake mustache, the ultimate assassin.I like this plan.I like the idea because I do think I'm an older gentleman.
Penny, I know that's shocking to you.You probably see me as young and virile, right?
Very, yes.Even now, just the way he's trying to speak.Well, no, just a real catch.My guess would be that And from I'm going to say from my perspective, I think it is important to make some of these plans and these decisions.
And so that's why I'd feel good about, you know, getting you and Malcolm all let's formalize this.You know, let's let's let's have a ceremony.That's what I think.
Because I think you're married now.That's what I think.
Technically, by law, we're in a civil I can't think of what the word is, but we're in a civil Yes.Yes.We've lived together long enough.Penny.Defector.
Penny, once you guys got the fourth cat, you were married.That's true.
Yeah, it shows in your sensitivity, your lack of sensitivity.
And what kind of guy... I just sometimes talk over them because they're just voices in my head.They're not real people. And Penny, this Malcolm, would I like him?Is he a nice chap?
He's an amazing guy.He's very easygoing.He's very relaxed.He really loves race cars.If you like race cars.
Oh, anyone who knows me knows I love race cars.
It seems like there's not a day that goes by.
If you see me around town, I'm in a race car, usually.
Well, as part of, if you came over for the wedding, like what his stag do, you could go out racing.He could, he has, owns a race car and he could take you out as a passenger in his race car.
So just really start that, give you a bit of adrenaline to prepare you for the bungee jump.
I have, Penny, I have some experience cause I sleep on a race car bed. Um, the kind that they make for little kids.I, that's what I sleep in at night.My wife tucks me in and then she sleeps in another room.
Yeah.And I have this graham cracker.Just traffic sounds from downtown Boston.Put me to sleep.Uh, Penny, I like this plan.I think we have a good plan and I'm looking forward.
I think it's a solid plan.
I'm looking forward to meeting Malcolm.I hope this happens if I can arrange it.
Yeah, I think now we have this plan, this is the only way we're ever going to get married because nothing's going to live up to it.What if Paul Rudd shows up and does it instead?100%, absolutely.
I have to call Paul and tell him, by the way, I've announced you are, if God forbid something happens to me, you have to slide in and do this.Yeah.Yeah.I'm sure we can't meet his price, but that's for Adam to figure out.I'm excited about this.
And just quickly tell me, what do you do so I know a little bit more about you as a person?
Oh God, I work in finance.I'm a business and finance advisor, which is, to everyone else, really boring.
I work in spreadsheets.Clearly a lot of joy in your work.
I love it.I have a passion for Excel spreadsheets, but not many people in the world appreciate that.
Yeah, but Annie, you've got to shout that from the rooftops.If you have a passion for Excel spreadsheets, you've got to be proud of that.And you need to shout that to the world.I just said that.I just said that out loud, and I don't think you should.
Yeah, I feel like I would maybe lose some friends if I did that.I wouldn't attract people to me.They'd be going away from me pretty fast.And then they'd find out I have four cats and it would just all go downhill from there.
Okay, well, listen, I wouldn't, yeah, don't tell too many people about your passion for Excel spreadsheets or the four cats, but boyfriend, race car driver, that sounds cool.Your love of bungee jumping, that's cool.So I think we stress those things.
Focus on those, put those first and then slowly ease in the other things.
No, don't mention them at all. Um, well, I'm, I'm, I'm, this is great.Yeah.Yeah.I'm, I'm, should we ask the, we have a little more time.Um, Oh, that's right.I forget the different, uh, there's so many different rules.
Penny, what are your cat's names?
Um, the, I'll just tell you the main cones cause they're the interesting ones.Um, one of them's Wilbur and one of them's Leo and Wilbur is. I think 22 pounds.He's 10 kgs, which I think is 22 pounds.So he's a pretty massive cat.
What are your Excel spreadsheets names?
Well, there's Walter.There's Nikolai.Are your cats indoor, outdoor cats?Or do they just stay indoors?
Um, they are indoor cats because this is this is a this is a very important to me because here in California we have cats that are indoor outdoor and that gets very dangerous, especially in the summer because coyotes and various critters come down out of the mountains looking for water and they see what looks to them like an appetizer walking down the street and they eat these cats and there are
There are just posters all over the neighborhood saying cat missing, cat missing.And, you know, that cat's not missing.No, that cat is being digested.
And this is tough for people to hear, but that's a problem.And then I think, oh, my God, New Zealand, you must have very exotic creatures out there.This is going to show my ignorance.But are there wildebeests?No, I just made that up.
What do you have in New Zealand?What's roaming around out there that could orcs?
So yeah, orcs, uruk-hai, hobbits, New Zealand's actually really, really safe.So we don't have snakes.We have one venomous spider and they literally just one guy.
If you see him, step on him and then problem solved.
We don't have bears, we don't have wolves, we don't have anything like that.
I think, you know what, if I do come, I'm going to bring a bunch of breeding snakes, breeding wolves and breeding bears, because I think New Zealand's getting away with murder.
I mean, I think you need to have something.And instead of the occasional extra from a Lord of the Rings movie.
There is a rumor that down in the South Island, a bit lower there, was a panther released.And lots of people have claimed they've spotted this panther in the wild.And everyone's got really blurry, grainy pictures of it from far away.
So no one's ever actually found it.But it has been a rumor for many, many years.And that one panther would be our one dangerous thing in New Zealand.
Oh, all right.Well, I'm going to bring us back home and say, I'm thinking of you.I'm thinking of Malcolm. I'm thinking of a ceremony on a bridge.I'm guessing it's a bridge.Do they do it from a tower?What do you bungee jump from in New Zealand?
Is it is it when you do it?Is it a bridge or is it a tower?
It's from Bridges Over Rivers.
Can I ask a question?Yeah.Does Malcolm like Conan?Does he a huge fan of his, like you are?
Well, we don't even know that.
Oh, are you a fan of Conan's?I'm a massive, massive fan.Malcolm is aware of who you are and hears me talk about the podcast all the time.But Malcolm's a massive fan of The Simpsons, so he knows that connection.
But he's also a huge fan of Paul Rudd, so if ever wind that way, he'd be okay with it too.
So Penny, you've been with him five and a half years, you're a massive Conan fan, and he's vaguely aware of me.His favorite work of mine is work I did 40 years ago on The Simpsons.Got it.Well anyway, I can't wait to meet him. Looking forward to that.
But Penny, very nice talking to you.You're funny.You seem like a really nice person.And you're a fine representative of Christchurch, New Zealand.They're lucky to have you.
Thank you.It was lovely to talk to all of you as well.
And I think there's a spreadsheet calling your name right now.
There actually is.I'm about to start work and jump straight on in.So I'm fizzing.
OK, take care, Penny.Really nice to meet you.
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