What is up, daddy gang?It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Halsey, welcome to Call Her Daddy.Thanks for having me.I am so happy that we're finally doing this.I feel like I've been waiting to meet you for so long.
I know, me too.So thank you for coming.
I realize that some of the daddy gang may not know that your legal name is Ashley and Halsey is a stage name.Yeah.What do the people closest to you call you?
Everyone calls me Ash.My son just started calling me Ash.I was like, you better Get it together, I'm mommy to you, okay?I'm gonna have to make myself a shirt that says, call me mommy.He goes, Ash?I'm like, mm-mm.He goes, well, I wanna call you Ash.
I'm like, well, you can't.I'm mother.I know, I don't know how to explain it to him in a way that doesn't sound like so... like psychotically, like you have to respect me and give me this name.Like there's no way to explain it.
Like he's like, why can't I call you Ash if everyone else does?I'm like, that's a great question.But I just don't like it.
But I also think it's like the rite of passage.Like when you become a parent, you're like, give me at least like 10 years of calling me like mom and mommy.
And then- Yeah, you're three.Right.You can call me Ash later.Like it's like, it's so funny.Yeah, it's crazy.
Is it weird if anyone in your life would like refer to you as Halsey?
Some people do.I think it's kind of interchangeable at this point.I like answer to it the same way as if it was my name.It feels the same in my body.It does.It registers the same emotionally as if someone says Ash or Ashley.
Have you ever looked at it like it's an alter ego?
Recently, yeah.I didn't mean to when I started.It was just a name, because my name's Ashley Franjapani, and you can't be Franjapani, you know what I mean?
You have to say it in your New Jersey accent.
My name is Ashley Franjapani, so there was no, that wasn't happening.So it was just supposed to be an easy moniker.And then, yeah, I would say a couple years ago, I started having thoughts that were like, oh, that's very Halsey, or like,
Well, I dress like this when I'm Ash, and then I dress like this when I'm Halsey.And then I kind of was like, whoa, when did I start differentiating between the two?Like, when did they become two separate things?
Was that, like, freaky or no?
Kind of.Yeah, because I was kind of like, how did it happen?
What is the difference between Halsey and Ashley?Like, give us an example.
Well, you know what's funny is I think Ashley is like, Like, when I'm Ash, I'm definitely way more, I think, masculine than when I'm Halsey, and I'm not really certain where that kind of started to divert, you know what I mean?
Like, when I'm home, I'm like a boy clothes, short hair, not to gender close, but you know what I'm saying?And I'm definitely kind of, I think that Ash is like less provocative.Like I'm very like chill, very patient.You know what I mean?
Like very like maternal.And then I feel like Halsey, a lot of people have this idea that I'm like really provocative and like, you know, I'm like always like yapping.I'm a big yapper.Halsey's a yapper.Ash is not so much a yapper.
Have you ever become like a little resentful of the persona that you've created?
Yeah, oh yeah, definitely.I think that the part, part of the problem though is that like, you know, people just kind of decide who you are based on like when they got to know you, you know what I mean?
Like I've been seeing a lot of that happening, like every now and then, like, I'll see like,
a comment under like a picture of like me and my partner and someone's like I thought she was dating blah blah blah and it's like someone from like six years ago and I'm like oh you're update and like I don't expect everyone to know everything about me that's going on at any given moment but like they just locked in something from like a big press moment or like a time when I was like really on or like they were reading about me a lot and they were like and that's who you are forever
And I'm like, whoa, it's been like six years, so much has happened.
That's like kind of a mindfuck mentally to be like, no, no, no, I've progressed and grown, but you guys see this persona that like was very there in your minds and it never grew.And I'm like fully grown as a human being.
And yet Halsey is just like almost like stuck in time for people, which I think a lot of celebrities or performers have that.And everyone decides when they want to grow with their performer or not.It's fucking confusing.
How would you describe your relationship to fame?
I'm kind of indifferent at this point.It used to be not that way.It used to be just torturous.You know what I mean?I will say it never really felt normal.It still doesn't.I've been doing this for 11 years.
you would think at this point that i would just be like yeah i'm famous i know that is not how it is i like still wake up every day and not and they're like i wake up every day and i'm like oh my god it's more like i wake up every day and i'm like what the fuck you know what i mean and i think that i also like i've kept like a lot of really normal people around me and
You know what, actually, that's the distinction.That's when the distinction started happening, was that when I started to become a celebrity, the distinction between Halsey and Ashley, I think, is very much that Ashley stayed the same.
When I'm out with my friends, my best friend Erica, she's been my best friend since I was 13, and she says to me,
once a month or like a couple times a month like we'll be out somewhere doing something and someone will be like oh can I be sure there's like a paparazzi or whatever and she'll be like dude I like just forget you're famous every day.
That's the best.I just forget all the time and she's like lived with me she's been around for like every step of the journey she's like backstage at the VMAs with me, and then the next day she's like, I forget you're famous.
You were at the VMAs yesterday.How did you forget?And she's like, you just are still so, you're exactly the same as you were.
You know what I mean?I do think that's so important to have, though, because at the end of the day, all these people that are famous, you're famous for something that you're really good at, obviously.
Some people are just famous because they're famous, but you are so talented, and your talent has made you famous, of course. But with that, you are just still a human being that likes to sleep and likes to eat and likes to chill with friends.
And so I think having those friends around you must still make you feel like the person from New Jersey that was just growing up and had a talent.I think that's helpful to have.When do you feel most like yourself?What would you be doing?
um well i'm pretty boring okay i didn't used to be i i like i got it out of my system you know what i mean like i i had like a couple years where i look back on and like cringe into like a black hole when i see those photos or like but i'm also really grateful for them because i just like did it in a contained set of years
and then i'll never have to do it again so like now i'm just boring like no you're not boring but i know what you're talking about i think we all have that where we're like yeah what was i doing like what what would you say you did that was cringe oh my god there's like so many pictures of me just like fucked up like leaving a club like like
paparazzi like it's like three in the morning I'm like what are you doing but also I was like 22 you know what I mean so when I see that I'm a gentle with myself about it but like or like times where I like I don't know there's stuff that's like maybe cringe but also maybe part of me I'm a little bit like
Go off.I clapped back at someone, or I went off or something like that.And I see that, and I'm like, gosh, you were so angry and so confused and so overwhelmed, and you had no one to help you.So I have a lot of compassion for that version of me.
But then there's also times where I'm like, girl, shut up.
I'm like, shut up.No, I think that's no matter if you're famous or not, people can look back at old Facebook photos and be like, what was I up to?
What was going on there, Alex? but then at the end of the day you're like well I was fucking young and like I was having I think a good time.
I mean I didn't go to college you know what I mean so I didn't have like those years and it's funny the same like I feel like the same people who will pass judgment for like photos of me in like my 20s like not even in my 20s like at 20 you know because I was 19 when I wrote my first album and
you know, there's like pictures of me from that time and people are like, Oh, gosh, like, and I think there's this almost indication of like, no class.
And I'm like, what if I were out like a university and like, these pictures were just like on Facebook or like, whatever.And I was just like, going like, you would just consider that a natural part of me like, finding myself and like,
but because there's this extra set of expectations, I think there's a separate judgment that's passed and I try to contextualize it that way and be like, girl, you would've been doing the same thing if you stayed in Jersey, if you went to Rutgers, you know what I mean?
It would have been worse, actually.I was gonna say, if you went to Rutgers, you would have been face up on a keg stand.You would have had pictures of you on the keg stand.It would have been similar, if not worse.I know.
How do you choose what to keep private and what to put into your art and your music?
I don't know that I really...
choose okay i think it kind of i just like write what i'm feeling there's a song on this album called hurt feelings and it's about my dad i've written a song about my dad every single album and every single time just when we get to the time where we're deciding the track list i cut the song because i'm like i can't do it i'm too scared i'm too scared i'm too scared and this time i didn't and i put it on the album and that was like a moment for me where i was like okay this is something i have kept private but now i feel ready to like get out there and i feel
like I have a responsibility kind of do you have a relationship with your father like does he know this is going to be on the album he doesn't know it's going to be on the album we have a pretty complicated relationship which is like you know I don't think that's like groundbreaking I feel like a lot of
young women have complicated relationships with their fathers.I think for me, especially, you know, I started making music when I was 18 and it kind of started to blow up when I was 19.
And it just changed everything about our family's dynamic because I became the breadwinner and I became kind of like, you know, in a way, like I became like the matriarch patriarch of my family.
And I think that, you know, for a man who spent his whole life working really hard, to support his family.And then, you know, I kind of come in and I'm like still a kid to him and I take that role.
I imagine that's probably just like conflicting, you know, in like an existential level.And it definitely showed up in our relationship.And so it's like affected it since, yeah.
I can imagine that was very confusing for both of you.Also you coming in being like, I don't know what the fuck to do either.Totally.And when you do look back, what is your earliest childhood memory that comes to mind?
It's so hard.I'm one of those people that doesn't remember a lot of their childhood.I had a really hectic childhood.My parents were really young when they had me.They dropped out of college.They met at Fairleigh Dickinson in Jersey.
And then they were like 19 or 20 when they got pregnant.They'd only known each other for like a couple months.And you know, they both dropped out and started their family with me.We moved all the time, every year we moved.
Like I wasn't out of school, until like high school, I wasn't out of school longer than like two years.And I was always starting over in a new place.
We were just trying to go where there was like cheaper apartments, better jobs and parents working like multiple jobs and like, My experience felt so irrelevant to what they were going through.You know what I mean?
I think that when I look back on my childhood, my experience was very much to just not get in the way because of how hard it was.And I failed at that miserably.I was getting in the way all of the time. You know what I mean?
And then I feel like that has probably attributed to like why I am in like the line of work that I'm in, because it's like, you know, we're all looking to satisfy some sort of like, I don't want to say need for attention, because I feel like that's like derogatory, but like, maybe like,
we're looking for our voice and our experience to matter, you know?
But don't you feel like even hearing you say that when you're like, I was always in the way, I'm like, yeah, but I feel like that's what kids are supposed to do.Totally.
And like, I imagine you though, like under those circumstances of your parents constantly having to move, you were like hyper aware of just like, stay over here, like don't do anything, don't like get in the way, like I'm not that important.
right now.Do you remember like what you felt about when you would like view your parents like romantic relationship?
My parents were like really like I guess kind of volatile.They were either super in love and cuddled on the couch, laid the fuck up, going on dates, obsessed with each other like kids, or they were at each other's throats.There was no in between.
I've actually never really talked about this before, but my household was pretty volatile.You know what I mean?There was a lot of aggression.You know what I mean?And aggression just thrown in every direction.
I think that it's so funny because it's so obvious that you witness that, you form that as your perception of, not necessarily of what love is, but what's acceptable in love, and then you apply that.
When I look on past relationships of mine, I'm like, I'm like, literally, this is two plus two equals four.It's so simple, you know what I mean?
That is why I went for this, and it seems so simple, but it's not also, because you don't catch yourself immediately doing it, and then when it's a pattern, then you're like, whoa.
I know, and then it's funny, because you think you do the work, and then a different trauma sneaks up on you, where it's like, okay, so you're like, all right, I'm gonna tolerate
violence or aggression or like whatever it is because I experienced it but now I'm going to unlearn that so it never happens again and then you get into another relationship and you're like this one's better because it's not like the last one and then like a different thing sneaks in you know what I mean where it's like the person's like putting you down or they're like I don't know like gaslighting you or like whatever and you're like
Is this a whole other thing?This is a whole other thing.Is it all just my childhood again?
No, it's like literally it's like whack-a-mole because you're like, oh, maybe it's not like physical this time, but it's like emotional this time, but it's all under the same fucking umbrella.Totally.
First of all, thank you for sharing that, because I feel like you're someone that like you're when you write in your songs, like it's so fucking powerful.
And I think a lot of people connect to you on how real you are in your lyrics, especially this new album coming out.When I was listening to it, I was like, I feel like I need to pull over.
It's very heavy and emotional and I feel for you, but I think a lot of people can sadly relate to what you're going through.
When you were in those moments with your parents and it was volatile, were you someone that would just be alone and not tell anyone?How would you... basically get through it.
I think I kind of coped in that way, or just like waited for it to be over, you know what I mean?Also like, it changes hands when you're in a household like that.Like it usually starts and it's like, you can kind of feel it happening to your mom.
And I'm the only daughter and the oldest.So there was definitely a point where like, the target kind of changed to me.And you feel I think really alone in that sort of situation. I definitely just mostly coped by writing.
I've always been a writer, like my whole life.And I used to keep journals and keep diaries and stuff like that.And I read a lot.And I was someone who kind of like, I was into escapism for sure.You know what I mean?
Like novels and just putting myself into other worlds that just felt different than mine.
Yeah.Would you ever talk to your mom about it?
She had a- I have.Okay.Yeah, no, I have.My mom and I are super close.
Yeah, she's like, my mom is like my best friend.And, you know, we have talked about it and like, I think there's a couple stages of it, right?Because then there's the first part where you have to be like, hey, why didn't you stand up for me?
And then there's a second part where you have to be like, also, I forgive you, you were going through a lot.And then there's like, the third part of it, which is like, there's still stuff you do today that pisses me the fuck off.
But I understand why now because you've been conditioned, you know what I mean, in a certain way.And you have to have just so much grace and understanding.And at a certain point, you have to just decide.You have to decide what's forgivable, right?
And some things are and some things aren't.I don't stand by the thing with people where it's like, oh, they're your parents, whatever it is, it's not that serious.
you have to you have to just like make sure you keep the relationship like i don't agree with that at all but then at the same time i also don't agree with the idea of like we should punish our parents forever for what they did to us it's like some things you forgive some you don't and that's up to you to decide that's a good point and it takes so much fucking time because like the resentment i feel like goes in and out like depending on where you're
you're at in life.You can be like, okay, we're feeling good now.And then something triggers you and reminds you of something they did when you were younger.And you're like, oh my fucking God, actually we're not done with this conversation.
There's more shit I just remembered.And it's like an endless cycle, but I agree.It can't just be black and white where you forgive or it's all perfect.There's gonna be conversations that keep having to happen.
I think also something interesting that you were talking about was going to all these different schools.When we are young, a huge part also of what forms our personality and our tendencies is our relationship with our friends and our peers.
You going to new schools constantly, how did you approach a new school?
um i was definitely like this is an opportunity you know i was always like if there's something i want to try out or someone i want to be like i can do it here because no one knows me oh interesting you know like when i was growing up i was like ashley with a y i was like ashley with two e's oh there was like one school i was at for like a really short period of time where i was like
I'm Ashley, but everyone calls me Skye.It's like not true.I made that up.
I was just like nine and then like it was like years later I was like in a bar in New York and someone came up to me and they were like Skye and I was like what and they're like Skye like we went to school together and I was like I'm I don't even remember being that person.
Which is ironic now, because if you know anything about me as an artist, you're like, that tracks.You constantly look and seem and act different, you know?
But that's kind of fun and tough as a kid.You're constantly not having to have this stable foundation around you of, I went to the same fucking school. like kindergarten to eighth grade.
So like we all knew each other's parents and we all knew each other's shit, which has its pros and cons, but like constantly moving, I feel like you can, yes, reinvent yourself, but you also, I feel like aren't really seen then.
No, definitely not.Yeah, you're just, there's like fragments of you out in the world, just like these little whispers of a person who's like barely even formed.Like my manager, Anthony has a tattoo on his arm and it's a tattoo of his childhood home.
And he was like, yeah, this is like a drawing of my childhood home.And I was like, bitch, I don't, if you asked me what my childhood home was, I can't think of one.Cause like I had so many, like I can't, I can't picture like a childhood home.
I lived in like eight houses, like apartments.
Like, you know what I mean?You couldn't even like draw something.
I mean, I would have to, if I had to pick one that was like my childhood home, like maybe the house I lived in when I was in high school, but that's not really childhood.You know what I mean?It was like, I lived in so many different apartments.
I lived in like Florham Park.I lived in Linden.I lived in Clark.I lived in like Sussex.I lived in, I just lived in so many different places and all these like little apartments and they're all just kind of this like, this like amorphous goo of like,
a bedroom and I'm like in there with my little brother and then there's like the kitchen and then like you know like the apartment complexes they all like blend into like one like when I picture it kind of.
I'm interested to get your take on this like what do you think is the difference between like hyper independence versus loneliness?
Um, I think it's whether it's forced or it's a choice, you know what I mean?
Yeah, I think that's kind of the difference I think like if you're choosing to be hyper independent because it's like it's better for you and like you Function, you know better in that way versus if you're forced into hyper independence because you're not trusting or you have like an attachment issue or like, you know your
you put a lot of self like a lot of pressure on yourself to succeed or to accomplish that's kind of that like loneliness like that solitude like would you say you were lonely as a kid oh my god yeah i was so lonely i was i'm still lonely i'm like you know loneliness is like when it affects you on
you know, I feel like there's like clinical loneliness.You know, it's like, there's like, there's being sad because something happened.And then there's like, obviously like depression, which is like, you know, it's clinical.
I think there's a version of that with loneliness, you know, where it's like, you're lonely because people aren't around and you have no one to hang out with.You're lonely because you're going through something singular.
And there's like deep, like carnal loneliness.And I think that I've definitely felt that way for like a lot of my life and it's hard to fix you know it's like it's hard it's hard it's hard to to
get around that, especially if you become comfortable in it, you know?
Well, and I feel like what you're sharing too about your life, which I appreciate you sharing all of this, just to pause for a second.
I feel like I'm being so dark.
No, you're not.Especially in a fun podcast.No, no, no.I was lonely as a kid.No, let me just say, like, this is the shit that I think, like, when we now, like, listen to your music, it even adds, like, more context and, like,
In my opinion, I feel, not in a creepy way, but I feel closer to you now, because I'm like, oh fuck, so many people are like, preach, yes, same, same, fuck, same.
You talking about your childhood, I think that when people are listening to your music, it is kind of helpful to know, no wonder you are lonely, because you came from this household environment that you had to become lonely, because you constantly were just like,
surviving alone, and I think that happens a lot of times when there are volatile or abusive situations at home.If there's multiple people getting abused, you can't even connect in the moment over it, because you're just surviving.
And then you talking with your mom later on down the line, of course you wish you guys could have bonded over it or talked about it when you were that young, but you couldn't, because you didn't have the tools either of you to be like, this is happening.
A lot of times it takes getting out to be able to talk about shit.
And it's generational, you know what I mean?I always say it's like for a lot of us, our parents were in the generation of survival.We're the first with the luxury of existential thought.You know what I mean?
They didn't have the luxury to be putting thought into their existence or the roles and dynamics at play or the reasons why they're doing something.It was mostly just surviving.
I'm really interested to talk about this high school glow-up that you had because I could not relate more to something.
I know that you've mentioned in the past you were kind of like insecure and unnoticed and then going into sophomore year of high school you had this glow-up.Can you talk to me about that time of your life?
going into sophomore year of high school, you had this glow up.Can you talk to me about that time of your life?
I was like really underdeveloped.Okay.You know what I mean?I was like really skinny.I like didn't hit puberty until like a lot later.And I was like super nerdy at the glasses and like, you know, um, I was like, yeah, I was just like a geek.
And then, you know, I hit
puberty and like I came back and all of a sudden I had like huge tits and like you know I got contacts and like I um I also kind of like that was where I sort of entered my like I kind of entered my villain era like when I was like 15 where I was like tired of being nerdy and geeky and I was like fuck you guys like I actually have really cool interests and I hang out with adults like
which is not good, that's like a whole other separate bad thing.
But like, yeah, but I felt very like, you know, I felt very like emboldened by that and was just like at school like, I don't know, my coping mechanism of like not getting along with the kids I went to school with or not like really fitting in and having a friend group was by telling myself it didn't matter because I had like cooler, more interesting friends and people I knew, most of whom were just like online, like didn't really hang out with them in real life.
We're talking about intellectual things and whatever else, but yeah, I definitely, I feel like everything really changed really fast for me, and I went from someone who looked like a nerdy 10-year-old when I was 15 to someone who was getting tons of unwanted sexual attention, and I was like, what the fuck?
how did having like, cause I experienced a similar thing of like overnight going through puberty and being like, no, no, no, no, no.Like the same guy that's like bullying the fucking shit out of me is now like wanting to like take me on a date.
And I'm like, hold on, pause you fucking piece of shit.Like nothing changed except my looks.And yet now you're into me.Like how did that impact the way that you like felt about yourself?
I think it did in a lot of different ways.The first was I had to differentiate between what attention was kindness and what wasn't.Because my first instinct is I was like, oh, people are being really nice to me now.
And I just missed the agenda completely.And that was really hard to navigate because I didn't have a lot of experience with that. it took me a long time to learn if someone is giving you that kind of attention, you are not obligated to return it.
I was really afraid of making people mad or making people not like me.On the simplest level, it's like a guy will be an asshole to you if you reject him.And then on the worst version of it, there's violence.You know what I mean?
So it was kind of like, I had to learn how to navigate.I am not obligated to concede or to give in to the sexual pursuit of me just because it's happening.
But it's hard because when you go from not experiencing any of it that a lot of your peers are experiencing, and then all of a sudden all this validation comes.I remember when that happened to me.
I felt at first so excited, kind of like you're talking about.There's that excitement of validation. But underneath it, I think when I was alone, I had some anger, because I was like, what?It's so surface level.
I've been the same person the whole time, but you guys didn't give me any fucking attention until I had tits and an ass.
That's when you have to start doing the, would you have been nice to me before?And if the answer is no, then bye.
it's really confusing yeah um you said once that you thought your sexiness was a superpower kind of like we're talking about yeah and made it so no one could hurt you and you would enter these rooms oh for sure feeling that confidence yeah i definitely wielded sexual power as like a you know uh
I don't know, as a tool of acquisition.I definitely used it in certain circumstances, because it was kind of all that I had.Can you give me an example?
Well, if you're in a room full of people, especially men, and in this business, as I was starting my business, and I was learning how to navigate the industry, it's not just like, I write songs, and I have to build a business.
You're in a room full of people who are more experienced than you, they're older than you, they're richer than you, they're very often men, white men. At the time, I started out by trying to be like, look how smart I am and look how much I know.
And it was kind of like, okay.And I was like, well, that's not working.Okay.And then at a certain time, I think in the beginning, I kind of figured out like, I can make all of these really smart men dumb instantly if I'm just hot.
It's so crazy how fast they become stupid.They have so much power over you in the moment where you're like, oh, the experience, the money, the power, the whatever.
And then you have this one little magic trick in your pocket where you can just be like, really? And all of a sudden that guy is like, and you're like, Oh God, that was so easy.It's like, why wouldn't you use it if you have it then?
And I think so many people can relate to this.Like I do think yes, like women can relate to using that. part of us that is so sexualized and leaning into it, you can feel this great, great energy from it.
And it's like- Until it becomes, feels gross though, until it gets gross. feels gross pretty fast I feel like.
And I think like a lot of conversation I always see online, like I know Emily Ratajkowski has like talked a lot about it of like, there's this weird fucking thing where you know you can use it to an advantage, but then you also have to like have some,
ability to navigate for yourself what you're comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with.When do you think, if you have a memory that you were like, oh, I'm taking it too far, this actually is, I'm not feeling chill about this.
I mean, there's been a couple times.There's definitely some times where I was out with some collaborators and it was late and someone was just like, we were kind of like playfully flirting in a way that was like, seemed really harmless.
And then they got like really drunk and they just started kind of like touching me like in public.And I was like, whoa.But at the time, you know, it's like, I was younger then, but it was like, you don't want to cause a scene.
You don't want to like, you know, there's other people there.You don't want them to see you freak out.And then they don't want to work with you because they think you're a drama queen and like whatever else.
And, you know, and these are all, like I said, younger,
minded belief systems of mine that have obviously since changed now that I'm older but like it was those kind of things where I was like this is not worth it you know it's because it's becoming unsafe and I uh I don't want you know I don't want this to seem like I'm signing a uh
I'm signing some sort of invisible contract where I'm promising something to someone, you know?
And I think the concept of like being a young person in a situation where there's a power dynamic, like you're just, it's such this like hard thing to explain until you're in those situations where you referenced it earlier of like, I didn't want to make this person upset and I didn't want it to escalate where it could literally get to the point where it goes like violent.
So you kind of just like appease the situation And I think that is where it can get really scary.And you keep just like, we just can appease people and like make it be like, oh no, no, everything's fine, everything's fine.
And it's like, but then you go home and you feel like gross and shitty.
I had like a really strange situation a couple of years ago. I mean, I guess it was quite a long time ago, but I was out and I was with this executive, like this really powerful executive who works in music in some capacity.
And I'd been going out and like hanging out with him and like some other people at the company and like, you know, we were working together and like, everything was like really fine.Like it was very just like, you know,
celebratory and like there was a lot of like industry talk I didn't feel weird about it at all and I like had like my two managers with me who were kind of like older guys and like I never felt like unsafe or anything we were out one night and like he was like oh like I want to send a photo to like my niece of us together or something like that and I was like okay and I like took out my phone I took like a selfie of the two of us and I handed him my phone and I was like text it to yourself I have to pee
And then I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, he handed me my phone like this, and I saw he was going through my nudes on my phone.
What is wrong with people?
And I sat down and I was like... I actually didn't even know what to do.I was just frozen.I was like, did I just imagine that?Was that an accident? Did the phone scroll?What the heck just happened?
And then I was like, did he text them to himself and then delete the messages?I don't even know where these are now.I was just like, I was frozen.And I was like, that's so crazy that I'm in this situation where I have so much power.
I have a bodyguard.I have a bodyguard.And I have, you know,
all the leverage in the world and I'm in this like exclusive space in this like VIP like you know I've reached the ranks of like oh I am protected or like whatever else it may be and then this invasive thing just happens like on a whim and I was like oh my god I was I it made me feel I felt like
It regressed me so much.Like it made me feel, I went from being like, yeah, I'm like fucking hot shit.And I'm one of the big players.And like, and I sat down and when that happened in that moment, I was like, you're nothing.
you're nothing, you'll always be nothing.You're still just like that fucking girl who's like getting, you know, taken advantage of, or like men are talking about you behind your back, or you're some sort of like collateral.
I was like, you're nothing.It was so demoralizing.It's so, and so many worse things have happened to me than that, but that one stuck out for some reason because it was so,
nonchalant right now that like that's what i think it's so i appreciate you sharing the details even of like you're where you at you're in your career you have a fucking bodyguard yeah i think and and you technically like we revert to that like little child of like
men ruling the world and us just having to appease them like we were just talking about.And you in that moment, like, no, of course.And people would be like, why didn't you just say something?
It's like, you don't get it until you're fucking in those moments where it's like, there is kind of nothing to say, but even if you said something, then you're the crazy bitch that it's like, oh, and then someone calls you a slut.
Cause then what do you mean?What are you talking about?You're nudes, you take nudes.Like they can turn it so fucking fast on you.
Also it's like, are you a, are you like a bad bitch business woman?
That's the other thing is like at what point you know where is the line between like I am a powerful woman so I have to stand up to myself and the line between that and I'm a powerful woman so I have to not let certain things bother me so that I can outplay these men in the long game.
there's so much to think about in that moment.You know what I mean?It's like, am I gonna let this bother me?
This like pathetic, squirmy little worm action of this man when like I could just let it go and then I'll get the last laugh because I'm building my business and I'm looking out for my life and whatever.
Or like, do I have a responsibility as a woman in a position of power to stand up for myself in that moment?I don't know which is what is expected of me.
I don't think anyone in your position or anyone really in those moments knows what to do, even like the highest of powered people.And I think that's why this is a really interesting conversation because it's like, you're so fucking right.
Had you said something and made a scene, then you're just like, oh, she's like the crazy bitch, like no one work with her anymore.She like makes stuff up and she like uses her like,
sexual being parts of herself as like a way to like get people in trouble.We don't touch her anymore.She's like a black widow.
She'll flirt with you and then she'll like screw you over later.I'm like, whoa, okay.
And men don't have that experience where they're never being like overly sexualized in those moments.So like, I can't relate.Gotta go.She's crazy.Yeah.Yeah.Get off of me.Whatever.Totally.
It's not only is it the best interview because you're fabulous, it's also like, I have been wanting to have these type of conversations with someone that gets it and can talk about it, but also is not like above it where you're like, you are in it and you've experienced it.
And I think so many young people are gonna be like, fuck, thank you for just talking about something that we don't have the answer to any of this.
No, also that's the thing, people look to us and they're like, so what do you do in those situations?Because they're like, oh, thank you for sharing.So what's the solution?And you're like, I don't know.I'm still figuring that out.
You know what I mean?I'm still figuring out so many things.Even now, where are the lines?Sometimes it's just like,
if someone's being like a little overly friendly it's hard sometimes to be like okay is it like because they're excited to talk to me or is it because they're like they don't understand social cues or like you know what is it or like is this worth being like yo chill yeah you know and i think i had a situation that happened to me this past year and i feel like
odd because my show you would expect me to immediately like run and sit in front of the camera and talk about it for all of the young people listening to me.
I'm still trying to figure out like how to talk about that situation because it is a work situation and I'm like I may see this person again and it's a situation where it's like wow like
I don't think anyone would expect me to not say something and I didn't say something in that moment and I was so uncomfortable.
And it's like, I think the point is two people in seemingly positions of power are sitting here acknowledging today to young people that experienced this.
Like there is no answer, but I do think through a show like this and through your music, like by us just talking about it, writing about it, singing about it, it just starts to like,
normalize more of the conversation so people don't feel so ashamed to talk to even a fucking friend.You don't have to report something immediately.It doesn't have to go to the highest level.
Just acknowledging it, I feel like, is the first step to making some progress.
Absolutely.It's an ongoing conversation.Also, people don't like it when rules change.That's the other thing. People also don't like it when you have nuanced rules.
For example, I'm topless on my album cover for my fourth record, and it's like my nipple was in Target.It's everywhere.But people sometimes will just walk into my dressing room, and I'll be like, yo, the door.
And it's like the expectation is like, what?You showed everyone your tits.And I'm like, OK, well, I'm revoking that right in this moment.I'm allowed to decide I don't want you to see me naked right now just because you've seen me naked before.
Like I'm allowed to change my mind or like someone's like, oh, like, you know, I saw you in this one interview with like this person and you were like so touchy feely and like so comfortable.It's like, why are you being so standoffish to me?
And I'm like, I have a like, you don't know my relationship with that person separate of that interview or like, you don't know. this or like, you know, I'm I was I reserve the right to change what I'm comfortable with.
But people don't like that because then they go, oh, she's so wishy washy.They're always changing their mind.Like, pick one.
It's like I'm allowed to change my mind.
Not only are you allowed to change your mind, like there are different boundaries per situations you're in in life of like, you may have been having a really rough morning.And so, like, yeah, I'm not in the mood for this.
And like, no matter what the fuck you're in the mood for, that's OK.And people that make you feel uncomfortable or like you're being unreasonable, that is a red fucking flag.
Like if someone is constantly coming at you and making you feel like you're overdramatic or you're being high maintenance and you're, pause.
Or like, you took away the blanket consent that I thought you gave to all of us.And like, I wanted that too.
And like, the reason they're reacting that way is because what they believe you've given them is, you know, with this like hypothetical blanket consent, is like they see an opportunity
they wanna leverage that for their own personal gain or their own whatever.And when you take it away, they're offended.It's like, you've taken something from me and it's access to you.
They feel like ownership over you in a way.Like that example of your nipple being in Target.You made a decision the day of your photo shoot to do something creative and artistic that you were comfortable with that day.
That does not mean that everyone in the fucking world when you're walking down the street can be like, show me your nipple. nipple-free for everyone to see, it's wild.People feel entitled.The entitlement to our bodies and moments, it's crazy.
I want to talk about romantic relationships because we kind of started about your childhood and I feel like, again, what we've been kind of talking about is they're all fucking connected.Did you tend to fall in love easily when you were younger?
Not when I was younger, actually.When I was younger, like when I was a young adult, definitely.When I was a teenager, not so much.I wasn't like super trusting, you know what I mean?When I was, I think honestly, once I became,
famous I think I fell in love faster because I was so desperate for like stability and like partnership and like I just wanted to be seen and I wanted like a constant and so you know I think that I a lot of the time would
you sort of project that onto people.Like you've ignored a lot of red flags, like that kind of thing.
And like, not even like, some of them super like insidious red flags, but some of them just like more harmless ones of like, we're just not really compatible in that way.You know what I mean?
You have talked about a relationship you had when you were 17, the guy was 24.And he was a pretty big drug addict and was into drugs.What, drew you to that person initially?
I'm a fixer.I am a fixer.I'm like, I can fix you.I can fix you.Like, you know, I am.It's funny, I felt like becoming a mom was so natural to me.
I struggle with it in the same way that every mom does but at the end of the day I think I had so much blanket patience because of how much time I spent trying to like fix and mother people up until that point where like my
my patience for someone not growing the way you want them to or as fast as you want them to or whatever was already so established.
I've been a mother way before my child.Yeah, seriously.I've been mothering these men for a long time, Alex.
No, that makes sense and I think it's again like interesting to hear you talk about a dynamic that can be like someone struggling so much with an addiction.
Like I had a relationship with someone that struggled a lot with addiction and I was very young and he was older than me.And I remember the, power and balance was like so ever present.
And I would feel so insecure and I would want to like, I think when you're the person that's not in the position of power, you find yourself like doing things to try to like even the playing field.
And really it's like kind of you appeasing them and doing what they want you to do so you feel closer to them.Absolutely. Did you experience that with this relationship?
Yeah.I mean, I dated a lot of addicts.That was kind of a reoccurring theme for me until I was just like, OK, no.
And I think that part of the problem, I think, when you're romantically involved with someone who is in active addiction is that there's no logic.
So you try to reason with them, and you try to go like, OK, well, can't you see that if you do this, then it hurts me, and then I feel this way? you did that, I watched you do it.
And it's like, they live in a completely different reality that they've constructed to, you know, as a survival mechanism to not think about the fact that they're an active addiction.You know what I mean?
So it's like, you're arguing with someone or you're reasoning with someone based on reality.And like, that's not their reality.So there's no, you can't like reason with someone who's not living in a world of reason.
And then it turns into like this cognitive dissonance, like thought spiral, where you start to feel like you're crazy.
You start to go insane because there's no growth.It feels like growth when they're- It's a loop.Right, they're not on drugs.So then you're getting closer and you feel like, oh, we're so back.And then it happens again.And then you're like, wait, no.
But then the progress that feels like progress, it's just, you're just getting a little bit back to like,
normal but it's like it's a really really difficult spiral that I like empathize with anyone going through it right now that's listening of like you're not crazy and I do agree that a lot of people in those positions want to fix things you can't fix someone that's going through that and I think a lot of times we feel like we can yeah you can't
And I know it's easier said than done, but like once you get out of those moments, you obviously have clarity, but when you're in it, like I just have empathy for like friends going through it or people listening, like it's fucking hard.
And again, there is no solution that we're providing today.I think it's just like talking about the real shit that you go through.
I needed someone to tell me at that time, like you're not a bad person if you leave someone who's like, Hurting you, you know what I mean?
Cuz like I was always kind of like making excuses for those things and being like, oh But what kind of person am I if I leave someone who's like in this?Great of need and I really needed someone to be like, baby.
That is not your responsibility You know what?I mean, especially because I was just so young and also I had to unlearn this thing that I was going through at that time where I was like
I've spent so long in just like misery wanting to fix this person. what if they get better one day and then someone else gets to have the better version of them that I worked so hard to build?
And it's like, that is what kept me in it, was being like, well, no, one day they're gonna get better and then someone else is gonna get to have the version of them that I always dreamed would existed and all I got was just the suffering and then what am I?
I'm just the lesson, I'm the martyr, I'm the catalyst.I exist in their life just so that they could go be better for someone else. And I was determined to not have that, because also it felt like losing.
I had to also deconstruct that too, that thing of winning and losing.I was like, no, baby, this is your life.This isn't about winning or losing.I don't know, sorry.
It was intense.I'm more just speechless, because I don't think I've ever heard someone articulate it so perfectly that I can imagine everyone listening right now is like,
maybe like pulling over to the side of the road, just like have a pause because it's so fucking real of like most of those relationships you go to the very possible end to the point that like you even are at risk of your own life when you go that fucking far down with someone.
So to leave feels like, but what was this all for?And it's like, it's just gonna keep going.
Yeah, it feels like giving up, but it's not.It's like making, you're making like a, It is a hard choice.
I think that I started learning in a way you really do become someone when you're spending that amount of time with them and you're connecting with them on an energetic level that much, where now if I look at my partner and I wouldn't want to be them, if I wouldn't want to be just like them, then I probably shouldn't be with them.
You should really only be spending that amount of time and putting that much love and connection and vulnerability into a person if, you know, if you would be okay becoming them as a result.You're preaching right now.
I'm like, keep going, you're giving us a TED talk. In one of your poems, you wrote, I won't love a man unless he is angry because of my father.
How did normalizing anger in these relationships that you were having make you more willing to put up with the things that they were doing?
I think that I, well, first of all, I had to change the way that I talk to myself.You know what I mean?I had a therapist once who was like,
was like, I was, I was talking to them about a partner and I was like, they just like constantly tell me or make me feel like I'm not special or like, you know, I'm like, I'm embarrassing or like I'm weak or I'm like, I don't know, just like all these things.
And the person was like, okay, well can I ask you a question?Like, do you think you're special?And I was like, no. I was like, um, no, I don't like what, like I'm better than everybody else.No.
And I think that she was, I'm going to ask you, ask you, do you think you're special?And I was like, no, there's like, and what do you tell yourself?Like in those situations, like, how do you talk to yourself?
And I was like, well, I just try to remind myself, like, you know, like you have to be humble and like, you're not better than everybody else.And like, you're not special.And like, you know, and she was like, okay.
She was like, so if that's how you talk to yourself, then when someone else talks to you the same way, you're not going to notice that that's out of the norm.You know what I mean?
Like that's, if you're communicating with yourself in that way, like if you believe those things, you know, and I was like, yeah, but it's one thing for me to humble myself, but I want my partner to build me up.
And they were like, no, you have to build yourself up.That's not, you can't depend on another person to do that.
Which was a really interesting conversation because I feel like sometimes we go into therapy so often when we're struggling with relationships and we're like, what's wrong with all these people?
And then there comes a part where you have to take responsibility.
You know, like one of the things I started, I had to take responsibility for to end up in a healthy relationship was sort of this like toxic empathy and like this, this sort of like toxic, not like people pleasing, but I was like,
I was realizing that if I don't set clear boundaries for myself and people repeatedly cross those boundaries, it's my fault because I'm not giving them, I'm not communicating with them or giving them a chance to learn that that's a boundary.
And then also it's building up, building up, building up, building up, and then I'm blowing up out of resentment, but they're confused because I never told them that that boundary was being crossed.
And so, you know, that was a moment of where I was like, Oh God, I have to also take responsibility, you know?Or like, because I went through a phase I think where I was really like, I don't even ask my partner for anything.
I take care of all my own stuff.I don't bring myself into the relationship.I'm not asking them to support me or emotionally whatever.I literally just like, I take care of all my own shit and I take care of them.
And still they can't even be there for me in the 5% I'm actually asking them to.And she was like, you're not showing up honestly. She was like, you're not being yourself.
She was like, you think that they're being like dishonest or they're being disingenuous, like bitch, so are you.And just because you think it's in a nice way doesn't mean that it's okay.
Like you're not like this like self-sacrificing act or whatever is actually you showing up and lying to them.And that shook me because when she first said it, I was like, well, no, I'm... I didn't do anything wrong.
I was like, why are you telling me I did something wrong?And then I had to look at that and I had to be like, damn, okay, you're right.You're right.If I'm showing up dishonestly, even if it's well-intending, I'm just as bad as them.
You have a great therapist.Who is this therapist?We all need this person.No, it's so fucking true, like not communicating something to your partner that you're like,
something is like festering inside of you and you're watching it all the time being so upset and they have no fucking idea you're upset about it.It's like, how would they know you're upset if you don't tell them you're upset?
In one of your new songs, Panic Attack, I was listening to it and I was like, this is the most relatable thing I've ever fucking heard.And so many people when they hear the song are gonna be like, Yes.Thank you.I am.I have I have to been there.
You talk about struggling essentially to differentiate like am I having this like these panic attack feelings or am I falling in love and what is the fucking difference?Can you talk about from your experience like
How those two are kind of similar in the beginning phase of a relationship?
Yeah, I think like, you know, if you're like anxiously attached, like you kind of get those feelings of like nervousness, like, and it's really easy to misinterpret those.I said this a long time ago.
I like a song from like a couple years ago from an album, Manic, a song called Graveyard. where like in the bridge I say, it's funny how the warning signs can feel like butterflies, you know?
And so like, I've kind of touched on this before, panic attacks is like a more expanded version of it, which is like, you know, there is that moment kind of of like, you know, your heart's fricking beating out of its chest when their name pops up on your phone.
What's that about?Is it because you're now entering this like dopamine cycle of like, you know, you actually aren't sure, like if you're not sure they're gonna answer you and then it excites you and they do, I don't think that's love.
I don't think so.You shouldn't be putting that level of energy into a person if you're not sure that they're going to have the decency to respond to your message.
It's so confusing.And I love that you brought up graveyard because I was like going to reference that.And I'm like, no, but we have like a new and improved version of panic attack over here.But they are.
And I feel like those butterfly warning signs are so easily misconstrued in the beginning phase.And I empathize a lot because it's hard until you start to just have your life experiences and go through multiple relationships.
And it's that again, us not giving you guys the answer, but knowing like the more you experience, the easier it is to kind of be like, oh no, no, no.I've felt that way before.And I know how this goes down.Like I need to pump the brakes.
But the beginning of relationships can be
very hard to discern is this excitement or is this because this person is essentially like love bombing me or whatever the fuck is going on or is it like slightly mentally abusive but I'm seeing it as like he finally is giving me attention, oh my God, I'm amazed.
There's the validation.Also toxicity in relationships is addictive.
it is it's absolutely addictive it's just like a cycle of like norepinephrine like that's like an adrenaline chemical you know what i mean and like dopamine and like you start to build patterns and like neural pathways to the ups and downs of feeling that like rejection validation rejection validation rejection validation and i remember when i kind of like
When I had some distance from my most toxic relationship and I was in relationships that were a little bit more content, I do remember at times being kind of like,
And I don't wanna say this as any kind of like diss to the people who might hear themselves in this conversation because you know, this isn't a diss but I did find myself kind of bored and like not bored with them but bored with the lack of intensity and the lack of the up and down and kind of just like wondering if
because I had experienced such highs and lows in a toxic relationship if every other form of love was going to feel like less than satisfactory to me so Like that's so fucking real.It's not true because I'm very much in love now.
We're getting to that.I see that ring girl.
I will say to anyone listening that's not true but I do think there's a period of time where like safety comes where you just kind of feel like it just doesn't hit the same and like you can't go back.
I definitely was like oh I wonder if I'm just gonna be like what is it for me?Is it contentment?Is it settling? Is it settling for safety?Do I get to have that same intensity without all of the danger, you know?
And I feel like something I had to learn along the way, and everyone has to like take their time with it, is like, you're right, the toxicity is addicting, but there's such a difference between like safe and boring or just not the same thing.
and it can take you a really long time, but understandably, if you're on this fucking rollercoaster ride, and then you're slowly just like sitting in the little, the game that you're just like riding around and it's slow, you're like, this isn't fucking fun.
I wanna be screaming my head off and I wanna have my hair all over the place.It's- It's like, what if we told you that like 10 people died on that ride like last week?
And you're like, well, it was fun though.
Like, you know what I mean?And we keep going back and it's like, why do we do this to ourselves?Because I was gonna ask you about like, you have written about these like volatile relationships that you've been in and like,
when you do get out of them, I guess you just answered it of like, what do you learn about yourself then when you get into new relationships that aren't as volatile?
And it's like, I guess your answer was like kind of learning to be okay with peace a little bit more?
Yes and no.Because then what happened was, is I was like, okay, I guess this is it.I guess I'm just settling for contentment.And then I realized that that wasn't true either.That was me putting safety before my happiness.
Because I was going to say, if you have any advice to maybe someone that's watching this right now that is fully in that cycle of whether it's with an abusive partner or a toxic partner and they just can't get out of it, and they're like, but I'll never find something that makes me feel this.
You will.You have to heal first.When you get out, it's not going to feel that way right away because you need to heal.And then that new healed version of you is going to like, you know, I don't know.It's kind of like when you get a wound,
And then the wound hurts and it hurts and it hurts, but at least you're feeling something.And then it scars and the scar is numb.And you're like, I don't have no feeling here.
But then eventually new skin grows and you get to feel again, but it doesn't hurt.You know what I mean?
No, it's so hard to tell people when they're in it. I promise you, if you leave and you get out of it and you heal, it's going to get better.
I want to ask you, as an artist, because I feel like a lot of people have these moments where they collaborate with someone they were in a relationship with, and you've done that in the past, and you have this very famous song with someone that you have talked about not having a good relationship with.
Can you describe the feeling of having a piece of art tied to a very, like, hurtful and not... like positive experience?
I think the one thing I've been really smart about is they're never my songs.I'm always on their songs.And I'm like, that's your problem, not mine.I get to do my whole catalog and I don't have to deal with you.
So like, sorry that some of your biggest songs have me on them.I don't know what to tell you.But I tend to be sort of the gatekeepy about my art for that same reason where I'm like, yeah, I'll get on your thing, but like, Not mine.
I need to preserve this for myself.I think whether I'm on a record with someone and the relationship changes or not, or I just wrote a song about them, songs just carry so much cellular energy.But the good thing about them is that they do evolve.
I've gotten on stage and sang the same song.I've been singing without me for fucking years.And every time I sing it, it feels different.It feels like it's about a different thing.
I have so many songs that are about so many different times in my life or like experiences and like, I don't know.I think that, I think that I'll never shy away from being honest, you know?
It's like, and if you have to deal with the consequences of that later, then so be it.But like, I would rather regret, I would rather regret being,
honest and being reflective of where I was in my life at that time than regret not saying something or doing something that I wish that I had.I don't know.I just.It's a great fucking answer.No features on this album.Just me.
Nobody else getting in the way of my narrative.
Period.There is a ring on your finger.We've gone through childhood.We've gone through your previous relationships and going through the mud to get to.Congratulations.You're engaged.Yes.
You're not fucking married.
I have to get all the tea from you.
Wedding planning tea.It's insane and it still feels weird to say, I have a husband.I love that.What is happening?You're a fiance.I know.This is exciting.How did the proposal happen?Can you tell me?
So he proposed in Barcelona.It's kind of like,
where we first started hanging out so it's like really special to us because we had this like kind of this like these few days where we were like we're hanging out a bunch and it was very like not you know I wasn't sure that I was ready and so it's kind of like you know but I was also kind of like you're literally the
like most amazing like Smartest hottest nicest person I've ever met in my life.So I was like, please don't go anywhere I'm gonna I'm trying to figure it out.
Like, you know what I mean?
Yeah Yeah, and you know, so he yeah, he proposed in Barcelona.It was really sweet and I immediately afterwards left to go shoot a show for like six months in Canada.And I was like, okay, bye.
Yeah, so we haven't really had like the chance to be like engaged, you know what I mean?But he's coming home and you know, just the time for me to go start like all the album promo or whatever.
And you know, I think we're gonna get to have like our time then, but I never wanted to be married.Interesting.Never.Never, what changed? Avin.Yeah.I don't know.I never thought that I would ever want to be married and then like...
I just knew I wanted to marry him.And I couldn't explain why, because I would deconstruct marriage from such a logical perspective beforehand.I was so practical, survival, fiscal about it, the way that I always broke down marriage.
And I couldn't really understand the point of marrying just from an emotional point of view.It was like, well, if you love each other, then just be together.Why do you have to get married?I didn't understand it.
And then, I don't know, it was just something with him where I just knew I wanted to marry him. And I can't even explain why, you know what I mean?Because I love him in such a way that I feel like we would be just as fine if we didn't.
But something about that makes me want to do it more.
I relate a lot to what you're saying, because I was very vocal.Even when I met Matt, I was like, I don't want to get married.I never want to get married.I thought it would threaten my independence.
I felt the same way, like, why do we need a piece of paper?And then I just knew he was the person if I was going to do it.And I think that's so beautiful that it was just like something within you is like, I know this is right.
And that's like, how did you guys meet?
we met kind of just like floating around he was like floating around europe and so was i we were both doing like some like fashion week stuff and some like i was playing some festivals and like you know we i'd we'd been like aware of each other like we followed each other on instagram you know what i mean but it was like
And neither of us can really remember if we had met in passing before that.I think I would remember, so I don't think we have.You know what I mean?But I always had a weird feeling about him.
And then I got pregnant, and I was with my son's father, and then I didn't have any feelings about anyone, because I was super committed to making my family work, and this new life as a mom with my son.
I wasn't really thinking about any of that kind of stuff.And then I became a single mom and I was like, I am never dating anyone ever again.And it's gonna be, I had so much to figure out.I was like, it's just me and my son.
And like, you know, and I was also really sick.I was really sick in like a life changing way.I was like not thinking about dating at all.
Yeah, and so then we met up for a drink one night, and I just remember walking into this bar, this hotel bar, and he was sitting in this little beer garden at the hotel.
And I walked in and I saw him, and the only way I can explain it is, you know in a vampire movie when the vampire glamors you?They do that thing that makes you like, yes, whatever.It felt like that was happening to me.I walked in all like,
I walked in and I was like, hey.And he was like, hi.And I was like, hi. He Edward Cullen'd you.No, he straight up mind tricked me.And he wasn't doing it on purpose, he just is very charming, you know what I mean?
Yeah, and I was just like, whoa, there was just this warmth and this light just emanating off of him.It was so compelling, it was so alluring.I just like, sitting at the table, I just wanted to lean over the table, sit closer to him.
I was so just like, drawn to him, like I don't know how to explain it.
It was so, it was different than like when you meet someone and you're like, I could see this working and I'm like planning in my head and I'm like doing the calculation of like how this would work out and like, okay, you're like that and I'm like this and this would be good.
It was just like, I was like, whoa.I was head empty.I was not head full of, I'm gonna get in math.I was head empty.I was just like, hi.
Oh my God.We're all just like swooning in here like, whoa, keep going.No, that is like, that's when you know there's something special.What if you had to say, what do you love the most about him?
That's hard.I mean, he's so freakishly adjusted, isn't the right word, but there's nothing I could ever bring up that would freak him out.There's no conversation we can't have.He's so solution-oriented.Everything between the two of us is always
It's always with the goal of solution and bettering and we're never locked into who's gonna win this or who's gonna whatever.Also, he's just like... I remember when I first started seeing him, I was like, what's it gonna be?
I was like, you are super successful, you've been in this business for a really long time, you're smoking hot, and everyone on the planet knows it.I was like, what's wrong with you? And he was so nice, and he was so family-oriented.
And I was like, oh, you're about to be the biggest psychopath of them all.You're about to be the final boss.You can't be like this.I was like, there's going to be whatever's wrong with you is going to be FBI's most wanted.
You're going to be secretly have bodies in your basement.You have to have the worst thing ever wrong with you.And then it was like, I was kind of unsure for a while.And then as time went on, well, first I met his parents. fucking lovely.
And so that's where I was kind of like, oh, maybe this is real.Maybe he is just that great because he's great parents, raised him really well.And then he has a relationship with my son now.
I'm just watching the way that he shows up for my son in such a authentic way.I was like, okay, you really are just the best person.And then came the panic of me being like, well, I don't deserve someone that great.
And so I had to kind of like, it was short lived, but I had that little process of like, whoa, my God, if he really is that great, then like, what the hell is he doing with me?And then I had to kind of like, I had to start seeing myself.
I had to value myself more, you know what I mean?Where I had to be like, well, I'm also really ambitious, and I'm a really good mom, and I create a really welcoming and safe environment.
I'm really patient, I'm really communicative, and I'm rational, and I am supportive and proactive, and I had to start seeing myself in that way.
to have peace and to not enter like a cycle of insecurity you know dude that must have been so refreshing because i think when you are met by a healthy
good partner who we all have our own shit but like someone that's genuinely trying to be like no I really want to make this work and I don't want to fuck you up and I don't want to be fucked up and I want to do this together like you just start to raise your standard for yourself of like how you are going to show up and like you said it's so beautiful like with your child knowing how you care for
a whole ass human being and how you show up for your child to see a partner come into your life and be able to not only embrace you guys, but also add value to the dynamic.That's so fucking refreshing and probably nice for you.
Yeah, it also forced me to do everything really, really in the right way.You know what I mean?
Becoming a single mom was a real grown up wake up call for me.That was a moment where I was like, I can't just
like you know skirt past this like you know this has changed the entire dynamic of my life like it's changed everything about like my own feelings of hurt and wanting to act on those versus like what's right for my child and like you know I had to I had to like
I had already like speed run grown up when I became a mom but then I had to like secondary like speed run grow up where like I grew out of that not wanting to be inconvenient or not wanting to be a problem or not wanting to be clingy or not wanting to be extra like I had to grow out of that to date again as a single mom whereas like I wasn't in a situation where like you know
I couldn't be in a situation where I'm texting a guy or a girl or talking to whoever, and I'm like, hey, so do you want to make plans for next week?And they're like, oh, I'm not really big into plans.I'll see you when I see you.
I couldn't be like, OK.I'm a mom.I have a schedule.Do you want to see me or not?And if you don't, then bye.You know what I mean?And so it forced me out of being able to accidentally
people please, I guess, or make myself smaller because I was like, I can't, so what's up?
You know?That is so beautiful to hear and I'm so happy for you in everything you've shared today.
I feel like that has beautifully led you to where you're at now, where you are engaged, you are a mother, you are so successful, you have this new album coming out, which we have to talk about.
Like I said, I was listening to it and I'm like, there is a lot in this album.And it's called The Great Impersonator.What is the meaning behind the title? What is the meaning behind the title?
I think it's, you know, it's sort of... It's like a double entendre.
You know, like on the one hand, I think it kind of touches on some of what we've talked about this time, was just me figuring out that Halsey's kind of serving as more of an alter ego than like just a stage name.
And like kind of admitting that and like coming forward and being like, I've built a career off of being really honest and authentic and maybe I haven't been as honest and authentic as I thought the past couple of years.Maybe I have more to say.
And what forced me into that was obviously getting so sick that I thought I was gonna die.
you know like when you think you're gonna die you have an existential crisis that is just like indescribable to your former self like you kind of have to like live through it to understand it and like i just started looking at myself and being like okay if you do die is this
you're happy with this.This is how everyone's going to remember you.It's like the last thing you did, last thing you said, like have, you know, we tell ourselves a lot of time, we have more time and like we do, but like nothing is promised to us.
So there's times where I was like, like example, like the song about my dad, I told you, I was like, I was like, I'll do it on the next album.I'll do it on the next album.Cause I was too scared.
And with this one, I was like, might not be an X album, bitch, put it out.Speak your truth.There might not be an X album.
And so it kind of like forced me into the situation where I was like, I have to just act and do and be as truthful as I possibly can.But I started thinking about fate a lot.I started thinking like, okay, does everything happen for a reason, right?
Like I'm born in 1994. Is that how I end up Halsey?Is it because I'm born at the right time, at the right moment?If I'm born 10 years earlier, five years later, do I end up famous?Do I end up an art teacher?Do I end up in jail?What am I?
So I was like, what if I debuted in the 70s?What if I debuted in the 80s, the 90s?I started exploring all these different versions of me, making music in different decades.So in a sense, I'm kind of impersonating other
you know, stars of that time and kind of doing an exploration or like a thought experiment on that.Because it's like,
The big thing that kept coming up when I got sick was a lot of people in the medical field were pretty adamant with me, like, you're sick because of your job.
Some said it just directly and not so many words, just kind of like, well, stress and lack of sleep and traveling and jet lag, poor nutrition, putting strain on your body.
These things can trigger autoimmune diseases and the particular autoimmune disease that have lupus can trigger, you know, it can trigger leukemia, lymphoma, like a lot of, a lot of like blood cancers and like lymph cancers are
more common in people who have chronic autoimmune conditions.So they all kind of just trickle down to this, like you're stressed out all the time kind of thing.
So that led me to be like, you know, becoming halsy was like the craziest thing that's ever happened to me in my life.But like, is this a consequence of that? You know, and like, does it go this way?
No matter what, if I become Halsey's is how my life goes.Am I a single mom?Am I sick?Am I like, is there any way to like beat that fate or beat that destiny?
Can I ask, like, how are you feeling today?
Pretty good.Yeah, I like, I came back from
came back from New York I was there for the VMAs and I noticed I was kind of starting to have a flare like a lupus flare okay um and I haven't had one in a little while because you know my disease has been like you know in remission and I was kind of like
thinking about it, I was thinking about how a lot of my fans or a lot of my audience that's also dealing with chronic illness, they say to me all the time, they're like, I don't know how you do that, you must be so much stronger than me, I can barely get out of bed or I can barely go to school, and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't want you thinking that I'm stronger than you or you can't accomplish as much as me.
I went and did the VMAs, I worked really hard that whole week, and then I had a flare as a consequence of that.That's reality, that's the risk, you guys, the fans, you're the reward.And I have to kind of balance that every time I do something.
It's just knowing that that's a possibility and kind of adapting to that new normal.So what happens then is I have to rest, or I have to go get treatment, or I have to...
I have to change certain things, but it's by no means because I'm built differently than anyone else.
I'm also in a significant position of privilege compared to most people who are dealing with chronic illness, in terms of the treatments I can get, the access that I can get.
And so I'm just using all of those things to kind of, to mitigate what is my new normal.I definitely had a situation like a couple, a couple like weeks ago.
And that's why I'm kind of like chuckling to myself about this flare because I did the thing where I was like, I'm feeling so good.I don't know if I need treatment anymore.And so I was like, I'm going to stop treatment.
I don't want to put this stuff in my body.I'm going to be fine.I was like, bitch, you didn't learn your lesson.You did that with antidepressants, first of all.I was like, I'm feeling really good.I don't think I need to do it anymore.
I'm putting all these medicines in my body.Maybe I can just do it with diet and with whatever.I stopped for a little bit.I skipped a treatment. Immediate flare.
I was on the flight home and one of the first signs of a lupus flare is you get this butterfly-shaped rash across your cheeks.
I got up to go use the restroom on the plane and I looked in the mirror and I was like, fuck, you've gotta be fucking kidding me.And I kind of had to walk ashamed back to my seat and sat down and was like, damn.
And that was a sad moment for me because I had felt so good.I was on TV and on the carpet and I was like, I'm doing it again.I'm great and everything's good. It made me kind of emotional, because I was kind of like, I'm still sick.
that's still reality.This is forever now.And that was hard.I couldn't just be like, well, that was crazy, those two years, ha, ha, ha, moving on.I had to be like, no, this is still, this is forever.
I'm still coming to terms with that little by little.
I can only imagine how hard that is.And I think in different capacities, everyone can find a way to relate to that feeling of like, oh, no, no, no, I don't need this anymore, I'm gonna be fine.And then you go back to not being fine and you're like,
this is so emotionally heavy to deal with.
But I do think that it's incredible that you have been open as much as you want to be about that because I do, again, believe it helps other people realize like someone that is as successful as you also is just not living this perfect fairytale life and everything's fucking fine.
Like everything you're writing about in this album is so fucking real. What is the hardest song that you wrote to write?The Life of the Spider.Really?
Yeah, that was the hardest.It's just me and a piano.It kind of sounds like a voice note a little bit.And every time I hear it, I cry.Just hearing my voice in that state.
And I wrote that song about being sick and about just like feeling like such a burden and also just feeling disgusting.I felt so gross and so terrible about myself when I was sick.
I was like, you know, I was like, I was really gaunt and like my face changed and my face had just, my face and body had just changed because I just had a baby.You know, I was pregnant and like,
I went through all those changes and then it changed again like this when I got sick so fast, you know?
And I was like vomiting, but then like, you know, I was like, brushing my teeth made me scared because I was scared it was going to induce more vomiting.And like, I was, I was just so sick and so gross.And like, I felt revolting.
Like I didn't feel good about myself at all.And like, you know, I felt, I felt, you know, kind of trapped in like this cycle of feeling resentment from people close to me, you know?Some real, some imagined, you know?Think both.
And just kind of this feeling of like everyone had depended on me for so long. And I kind of like, it was a hell of my own design, because I told everybody for so long, like, I don't need help.I can take care of myself.And then I needed help.
And everybody was like, what do you mean?Like, you conditioned us to believe that you take care of yourselves.And now you're getting mad at us because we're not helping, but we don't know how to because you've never let us before, you know.
And so that was really, really hard.But also just kind of feeling like, God, what a how dare I inconvenience you so much by by being dying.
I was gonna say, but again, going back to everything you've shared today, you're used to being the one that's taking care of and fixing everyone, so to ask for help must feel just so unnatural to you, but you need help from people, you need support, you need people to be there for you, but it's hard to ask when you're someone that is not used to asking.
A big thing for me was a lot of my relationships I felt like
because I'm traveling all the time and because I'm gone and because I am really like insulated and self-sufficient in that way where it's like you know I feel like when you're in the public eye or like you are like you know you're financially like secure in the way that like you are in the business
it changes your friendships, right?It's like, I'm moving, right?I don't have to ask my friends to come help me move because I'm just gonna move, like at the moving company and do the thing.
Or like, I need someone to pick me up from a surgery or like take me to the dentist or like, you know, whatever.And it's like, I'll get a driver.It's like, you lose that kind of like village community, we look out for each other kind of thing.
But then on the flip side, I'm always taking care of stuff for other people.You know what I mean?So it changes the dynamics of the relationship.
I'm also a spiritual person, so I also believe sometimes that you will end up in situations where if your spirit, guide, or your guardian angel, or whatever it is that you believe, knows that you won't make a hard decision for yourself, they'll kind of put you in a position where the other person does it for you, but it's for you.
You know what I mean?Yes.You can feel it when it's happening.Yeah.This whole album is incredible.I'm so excited for you.Last two questions, I promise.Okay.One, what are you most excited to perform?What song?
Okay, there's two for two different reasons.I really can't wait to play Panic Attack, because it's just such a musical song.
It's got the piano, the piano's so warm, and the guitar's so great, and the drums are so, I just imagine I'm gonna get on stage and feel like I'm a part of a big band, like a 70s big band, you know what I mean?
And with all the musicians on stage just twirling around, it's very Laurel Canyon.It's got that Fleetwood Mac vibe, so I can't wait to do that, because I just feel like it's gonna be so classic. But then definitely the Only Living Girl in LA.
It's a six minute song, so I don't know how I'm gonna play it live, but I think there's so many fun moments for the fans to join in on, like ad libs and stuff, that it's gonna feel like we're performing it together.
And I love when a song feels like you and the audience are doing it together, not like you're doing it at them, you know?
It's so sad and beautiful, and listening to it, I was like, Halsey. I wanted to like give you a hug.I was like, this is so fucking sad, but it's so, it's really an incredible song.
I mean, every single song is incredible and you're such an incredible writer, but I'm just so happy for you because...
you are clearly so talented and everything that you have gone through in your career and your personal life to see this new work of art that you've put together is truly incredible.
And I wouldn't say that if I didn't feel that way, like listening to it in my car.I also chose to listen to it in the car because I was like, I need this in the car.
And I'm so happy I got to meet you because your energy and your spirit and just who you are as a person, like, it does change my fandom over you even more.Like, I feel like an even bigger fan after getting to speak with you today.
Thank you for, like, taking the time today because it was... I think the Daddy gang is going to freak out over this, and I know your fans will, but thank you for giving me the time.
Oh my gosh, of course.Also, you have to teach me how to plan a wedding.I don't know what I'm doing.Trust me.I have no idea.
I'm really overwhelmed.Trust me, I've got you because I was like, I didn't even know what I would want to wear.I was like the antithesis of a bride when I first started and like I figured it out.
Oh, I told you, I never wanted to be married.So when I'm talking, people are like, when you were a little girl, what did you dream about?And I was like, I didn't, I have no idea.
I was like, I'm just obsessed with my fiance and I just like fucking like wanna like, I wanna crawl inside his skin and be like a part of him.
And like, I need a wedding where like, I can either do that and it's not weird or like, there's something in place that prevents me from trying to do it.
Palsy, I could not relate more to you.And I will give you all of the wedding tips that you need.Thank you for coming on Call Her Daddy.It was an honor.Thank you.Thank you.
