Hi, my name is Billy Crystal and I'm... I'm just not sure, uh... about being Conan O'Brien's friend.I admire your honesty, first of all.There's a lot riding on this.For both of us, actually.No, I have available days during the week.
So, if this works out, we could actually start hanging out on a regular basis.Yeah, no, I like that.Shouldn't it be like that?
Fall is here, hear the yell Back to school, ring the bell Brand new shoes, walkin' loose Climb the fence, books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends
Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, the podcast that, what else do I say?It just gives and gives and gives.It speaks for itself.It speaks for itself.All that meant nothing.I'm sorry.I came in hot and then I had nothing.
What does that mean?And then it has not spoken for itself.What does it say?
It reminds me of now, okay, this is taking people into, it's one of my favorite lines in a film is from Raging Bull.When Robert De Niro early in the film playing Jake LaMotta, it's showing how dysfunctional his relationship is with his wife.
And it's, you know, it's black and white and he's sitting there and he's yelling at his wife and she's cooking the steak and he says, don't cook it too much.And she's saying, I'm not gonna cook it too much.
And De Niro's like, if you're cooking it too much, I'm not gonna cook it too much. And then he just has this line that I don't know if it was improvised or what.Maybe he just said, if you cook it too much, it defeats its own purpose.
I don't break that down.It doesn't it doesn't make anything.I mean, in a sense.But I want to say Conan O'Brien needs a friend is the podcast that defeats its own purpose.
We are an overcooked steak.
Yeah.I am very happy to see you guys.It's been a little bit in a while.
I think you've been out ballooning or whatever you do.And I've been traveling the globe and we've been having been here.What's that?
Yeah, you've been here.I've been ballooning.So I hadn't seen anybody for a while and today I see Sona for the first time in a little bit.You came in.
And I think within, um, 35 seconds you, because you sent me a lovely, Sona sends me nice videos, uh, every now and then of her twins, Mikey and Charlie, who are adorable and they're great.And she sends me these really funny videos.
Sometimes they see me on screen or something and they're like, Uncle Coco, Uncle Coco. and she sends me these videos and it's a lot of fun.
But within 30 seconds, because they've been in the news a lot lately, and there's been this big Ryan Murphy special TV show, you likened your three-year-old beautiful children to the Menendez brothers.
And then we started talking about how you might send them out on Halloween as the Menendez Brothers.
I think what I said was I'm scared of watching monsters because I have two boys and you never know.No, you do know.
You don't.First of all, I told you I'll get you steel pajamas.That will protect you when they come bursting in.
You know, you do know they're not.I mean, I think you have a solid 55 percent chance of your kids not killing you and 55 percent.
That's pretty good.That's above 50 percent.
Isn't it contingent upon how the parents are?That's what made them the way they were.So you should
Well, that's controversial because it's the big question of the movie is what did happen to the kids?Did they kill them for the money or did they make up this story?Who knows?
It's this big question and there's a lot that we will not litigate here on this show.
I think we should stick to the meat of the issue, which is that you likened your twins to the Menendez brothers and then started talking about them going out on Halloween, what, with little shotguns?
Wearing pastel shirts, one of them wearing a wig and the other wearing glasses that he didn't need just to soften his look in court.And would you go out as their lawyer, wear like a yellow wig?
Yeah, well, I mean, will it read?Does one dress up in like a tennis outfit and then the other one?
Are they the Menendez brothers at trial?I think that should be them at trial.When their lawyer tried to soften their image by having them wear pastels and told Eric to wear glasses that he didn't need.They didn't have any lenses in them.
I think he, it tipped it off to the jury several times when he scratched his face through the open glasses.Or did this.Yeah, yeah, yeah.Made a bad, he said, well, he'd say out loud, time to clean my glasses.And then he'd take a...
And go, we oh, we oh, we oh, we oh.
You wouldn't convict a guy in glasses, would you?
Yeah, because these are real lenses.
That's why you two wear glasses, to soften your image.I'm just saying.
I was told by Adam Sachs, I don't need glasses.He said, you should wear glasses to soften your brutal image.Because people think of you as a murderer.
People think of me as pretty hardcore without these glasses.
Yeah, definitely.We put you in glasses.We tried to soften up your image.You're kind of more D.B.Cooper now.You're sort of a 1970s hijacker.Take them off.Let's see. That's, that's stolen.Uh, it's okay.The good stuff is- That's Eugene Levy.
Oh, it's also Carl Reiner in the movie, The Jerk.
Yeah, he takes off his glasses and his eyes are immediately crossed.Shout out to the great Carl Reiner.Uh, but anyway, um, is this something that you might actually do?Have them go out?
Um, I'm not going to give him shotguns, right?But maybe maybe scattered in blood.Maybe a little Menendez would be kind of like timely.Right.
No, it's not.Last year, the other Ryan Murphy show, Dahmer, everybody went as Dahmer for Halloween.
And you have these kids that do seem there's no light in their eyes.I'll just say that. There's just no light in their eyes.And I've seen them look, when you walk into a room, they're real happy.
And then you and Tack walk into a room and I see them look at you.And they've often asked me independently about your net worth.
Uncle Coco?Yes.Who's this?Mikey.Oh, you can work a phone?What mom and daddy worth?
Oh, I mean, Sona's got a book and she's does does well on the podcast.And, you know, I know TAC is does well and you guys have a nice house.So I would think, yeah, you got.
Yeah, maybe we'll make it look like murder. Why do they talk this way?
Why are they telling you the plan, too?
Well, that's what the Menendez brothers did, and they trust me.They said... The Menendez brothers told you?No, they told Dr. Oziel, their therapist.
But I do believe there's a good chance they will... They think of me as... First of all, anything you say to your Uncle Coco is confidential.
That's not true.It is true.That's not true.
And I also think... Oh, and by the way, I'm talking about it on a podcast.
I also think I don't even think they would kill us for the net worth.They would kill us for like a popsicle right now.Like the stakes are much lower is the currency for them, right?
It's like, can I have a piece of them M&Ms?And then they would kill us for them.Yeah, that's OK.
I mean, I don't know.We all go through a phase.
That's OK.What are you talking about?
No, no.I tried to.I mean, my brothers and I, I'm one of four brothers.We tried to get our parents a couple of times.We just weren't very organized about it. But there was four of you.
I know, there was four of us, but I didn't say A, we were physically uncoordinated.The O'Brien boys.And we never had a clear plan.
So it was just, you know, sometimes I'd come into the room and I'd have a gun, but Neil would have a pillow and I'd be like, what do you have a pillow for?I thought we said guns.And he said, no, I thought we said pillows.
And then my dad would wake up and go, what are you doing in here?Get out of here. And we'd get scared and go, ah, and leave.We never got our plans straight.
Oh, okay.All right.Well, hopefully the boys won't either.I don't know.There's this two of them.
Hey, root for their success.Yes.
You know what, you're right.
Always root for your children to succeed.
Yeah, I'll be like, good try, guys, if they try something, right?Good try.Yeah, you tried.You did it.
The important thing is you tried.
So you took Tack out, but you missed Mommy.Good job.Here's a trophy.It should be a trophy.
This is really dark.I thought it was maybe too dark for our podcast, but you guys were like, no.And Adam was like, thumbs up.We should be rolling on this.And I was like, really?I think it's too dark.You're beautiful children.
This is it's because they have brown hair.They have brown eyes.They're a little.
And I also there's nothing in the eyes.There's no light in their eyes.
I saw when they were babies.Come on.You can't say that just because they didn't laugh at things you said.
That's what this is.You want what this is about?
Yeah, man.I gave them my a level.
Time and time again, I burned more calories trying to make these kids laugh and I couldn't get them.I started to get them recently.Yeah. But usually I can get them at one.I couldn't get him at one.I couldn't get him at two.Even now, it's tough.
And first of all, I should get something for just facial recognition.Like, oh, he's worked.I know him from the clubs.I should get something.You know, I should get a trophy.I should get something.
No, you don't get it.If you don't earn it, you don't get it.
Well, when people don't laugh at my jokes, I think they're sociopaths. That's what we've learned from this.Spoken like a true sociopath.Exactly.All right.We got to get into it.Yeah.Lots to talk about.
My guest today starred in such classics as When Harry Met Sally.Hmm.Now it could be one of two people.And City Slickers.Now you can see him in the Apple TV Plus limited series Before Honored.He's here with us today.
This is his first time on the podcast.He's a legend.Billy Crystal, welcome.
I saw you at a school event not long ago, and we're chatting, and this thing just popped into my head, which is, who has checked more boxes in their career than Billy Crystal?
And I said it to you, and I said, no, no, seriously, I'm thinking about this right now, ticking off every category that you've had success in.It was impressive, it also angered me.
It made me feel small, but I was going through the list of, you know, sitcom, television, Saturday Night Live, film, I mean, Broadway.Broadway.It's somehow less cool when you help me with it.
The Oscars, I mean, there are a lot of entertainers where I can say, okay, they've done well in these two slots, they've got those covered, but you've had this absolutely stunning career, and so I was thrilled when you said you'd come in and talk.
Oh, yeah.Because my introduction to you as a real human being, as a physical person, was I was a volunteer on the very first comic relief.
I had just gotten a job, my writing partner and I had just gotten a job at Moffat Lee in August of 85, and not long after that, they said, we're doing this thing, Comic Relief, it's gonna be the first one.
The hosts will be Billy Crystal, Robin Williams, and Whoopi Goldberg. And everybody came out and I was a gopher on that.But I remembered seeing you, seeing Robin, seeing Whoopi.
I was 22 and had just arrived in LA, staying in a $380 a month apartment where I still live.
But I remembered that seeing a limo pull up and Jerry Lewis step out holding a small white dog, which is something egotistical people do in movies, but not in real life.
And not only that, Jerry would put the little doggy treat in his own mouth to soften it up and then go, here, puppy, here.That's what he would do.
But I remembered that event, my introduction to comedy that really made me want to do it was when 10 From Your Show of Shows was released as a movie with Sid Caesar.My father took me to see it.I might've been 12, I don't know.
And I said, whatever this is, I have to get in on this.And Sid Caesar was there and I got to walk up to him and tell him how much he meant to me.So you were a big part of my introduction to this whole world.
Well, so was Sid for me.That was my show.I was five or six.I'm the youngest of three boys.My family was in the music business.My dad produced phenomenal jazz concerts.
The family business was this little record store called the Commodore Music Shop on 42nd Street between Lexington and 3rd. And it was the hangout for a jazz artist.My uncle Milt, who's, excuse me, this shit can cut out.
No, no, no, we're gonna keep you in this.You're softening up a dog treat right now.Jerry's dog is still alive, even though Jerry isn't.
Here, Bubby, here.Sit for that.He said, no poop, no poop.I said, good boy.Who's the best little Jew dog? And my uncle started this label, the Commodore Jazz Label, which was the first independently owned jazz label of its kind.
And he started producing his own records, one of which became Strange Fruit by Billie Holiday.All of these great jazz artists.But my parents were comedy, just mavens.
My mom for a little while was the voice of Minnie Mouse in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parades.They met at Macy's. And she was the voice of Minnie Mouse.
The float would come down Fifth Avenue and she'd be sitting somewhere under Minnie's skirt, that's flying in the air, singing her song, which was at the time, I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles.And so they would...
they were always funny, and they really knew that the three of us, we had a shine for it.
So they'd let us stay up late to watch, in the beginning, Show of Shows, which then later evolved to Steve Allen on The Tonight Show, Jack Parr, Ernie Kovacs was a huge influence, but it was an episode of 10 From Your Show of Shows, they're doing a takeoff of The King and I, which is just one best picture.
And so they have a kind of cheesy palace set.
And then Sid, who is just the Charlie Chaplin of television, comes out in a bad bald wig, capri pants, barefoot, strikes the pose, then starts screaming at the top of his lungs, grabbing his foot, who's smoking in the palace?
There's no smoking in the palace.And I just felt, that's so, I was doing that constantly.And then the show of shows, To me, the classic sketch was, um, -"This is Your Life."-"Yes."-"Al Duncey."
-"Yes."Which is the sketch that got my attention, too, in that movie.The movie's a collection of sketches, but yes.
When Howie Morris comes out as Uncle Goopy and starts crying and jumping on Sid, and Sid was very strong, he would drag him around the rooms.They'd look at each other, and they'd scream and cry, and they'd separate.
Then they'd go back on top of each other.So when my dad would come home from the store, I was four or five, six, maybe.I'd jump on his back and cry, and he'd throw me to bed.So I was Uncle Goopy.That show, when Sid came, I introduced myself.
Is this comic relief now, 1986?Yeah, yeah.
And I have a picture with the cast, in the cast of Show of Shows.And when I was most recently on Broadway with Mr. Saturday Night, I had an 8x10 of that picture and that was the last thing I looked at before I would go on stage every time because
That was the scent that I followed all of these years.
You know, it's interesting because you mentioned your dad's business and the record label.Your dad would bring home comedy albums.And this fascinates me because I had a similar experience.
You'd listen to Nichols and May, Brooks and Reiner, Jonathan Winters, Bob Newhart. and you soak that stuff up.I did the same thing.I listened to comedy albums as a kid.What I noticed is listening to albums introduced me to how timing works.
And because you realize it's music, there's no picture to distract you.And you listen to those people and it gets, I think, tell me what you think, but you listen to that and all, you are not distracted, you're just listening to the timing.
Yes, those albums were my rock and roll. As much as music we had in the house, it was the comedy albums that I would listen to over and over again.
I can't tell you any songs by the great bands, but I can tell you the beats of... The major thing is that I never, ever eat fried food. I'll always run for a bus, there'll never be another.I just stroll jaunty jolly.
I can tell you all of those things, Nichols and May, Jonathan's albums, Stan Freeberg was a gigantic comedy force.Have you ever heard his musical?
So it's a history of the United States of America, and they're just brilliant pieces, the signing of the Declaration of Independence, Columbus founding a new world, and it's a musical.That the late David Merrick, well, they're all late.
They're all late, it's so long ago.They're not late, they're not coming.
I just got a text, they're not coming.Can't make it, died 20 years ago.
He wanted to make it into a Broadway musical.So I would listen and study it.It's just something, either you know what you're listening to or you don't.
I got the privilege of getting to know Bob Newhart well and I was such a fan of his. got to be friendly with him.And he told me once that his first album comes out in 1960.It's a massive hit.
It knocks Sinatra off the number one spot, Button Down Mind.And he's a phenomenon.And he comes out to LA and he's a former accountant who's just hit the big time.And he's asked to go perform at a house.
This is back in the day when there's like, unlike today where there's 9 million people in show business.And I don't know, I'm not sure who they all are.
Back then there were about 35 people in show business and they were all at one house to welcome Bob Newhart.And he went there and he did a couple of selections from his album.
And because he was self-conscious and didn't want to go too long, he tightened it.He dropped a few lines and he was done and he did it and everyone loved it.Jack Benny was sitting in the corner who he had never met before.And Jack Benny walked up
and said, what happened?Because Jack Benny, of course, the master of timing.Johnny Carson learned it from Jack Benny.Everybody learned everything from Jack Benny.Said, no, no, what happened there?What happened there?There was a piece missing here.
There was a piece missing here.But I do think that it interested me that you came to it.Yes, you visually see comedy and love it, but you really learn the albums.
Yeah, it was a great Jonathan Winters album.And one of the pieces was a horror movie. He plays this doctor who's building a monster.And the punchline is that Monster, which is huge, is the new basketball player for UCLA.
And he's got a funny voice, and he's got a hunchback assistant and dribble.This is a ball.I want you to bounce the ball.Don't touch him.Stay away from him. So I memorized the whole cut.I memorized the whole cut.And I do it in a school show.
It was the first time I did stand up.And I was a big head, too.This is the only time my father ever got to see me perform, because he died the next year.But I had no idea.It just was, it got a laugh. I wasn't even thinking about it.
Those albums were so important.
This is taking me back to, I always wanted to be in plays in school and I got into Oklahoma and I don't remember which part I had.I had some kind of minor part. but I was doing everything I could to make a meal out of everything together.
And they gave me a little fake shotgun and I kept kind of spinning it.And they wanted me to pretend to be chewing tobacco, but every now and then I pretend to blow bubbles with it.And kids were laughing, laughing.
And each show we did, I got more and more laughs.And finally, I broke character at one point and addressed the audience and got a huge laugh.Mrs. Steele, I'll never forget her name.Mrs. Steele, after the show, everyone slapped me on the back.
you little orange haired freak with me.And I'm like, I think she's going to give me an award or something.And she said, you just broke character on one of the most and added your own lines to one of the most famous musicals of all time.
Don't you ever, ever.And I'm like, well, she doesn't get it.
You know, I'm fascinated because one of the things that I think about a lot about a career, especially it's like a storied career like yours, is that there's the path you think you're supposed to be on.
And sometimes it doesn't go your way and you think, I'm fucked, to use a Yiddish term.That would be stupd.Stupd, sorry.I'm new to this.
Famously, you're supposed to be on the very first Saturday Night Live, October 11th, 1975, which is now celebrating its 50th.So it's unbelievably, it's been all these, it's been half a century.
That was supposed to, and I've read accounts from you that you're supposed to be on that show, the show that is gonna change everything.You're there, you've got a sketch, it gets cut.
And you said you were riding like the subway home thinking that's it.
What I always find fascinating now is if you could see the whole palette of everything, you wouldn't change a thing.
You couldn't, how could it get any better for you?But in that moment.
Oh boy.And now Conan, I have to relive it.Because of the film of Jason Reitman's wonderful film.Right.I haven't seen it yet.Yeah.He had a screening for the survivors.
that night, the original Lorraine Newman was there, Garrett Morris was there, and me, and it was particularly heartbreaking at the time because I was 25, I was part of the planning of the show.
It wasn't just coming to that show that night, Lorne Huerta was the coolest guy, I'm new into my stand-up life, too, at that point.I'm only into it like eight, nine months.And things are really going well.
I wrote a lot, and I was really starting to find my way.And I meet this Lorne Michaels at Catch a Rising Star, and he tells me about the show and so on and so forth.And he said, I'd love you to be on the first show.
And then I'm playing The Bitter End in New York, and he brings Chevy, Dave Tebbit, who was the head of talent at NBC at the time, Dick Ebersole, Gilda, and so there was a, I was like part of the, these are the young people we're gonna have on the show.
And so I was like, wow, this is gonna be the thing. And the comedy guests were Andy Kaufman, myself, and a Canadian comedian named Valerie Brumfield.
And so I was doing this piece which I just sort of found out how to do it, and it was by accident, and it's a jungle safari movie of the The victim mature, Rhonda Fleming, kind of the great white hunter.
And it's a scene where the tarantula's on her body and he walks across the camp late at night and knocks it off and they fall in love.That's the scene.I take somebody from the audience and I have a huge bowl of potato chips that's miked.
And I get the audience to do bird calls.And every time I take a step, she crunches the potato chips loud.And it gets very environmental.Then I get three people on stage, bird calls, and I'm pointing.So that was the piece I was going to do.
But I was going to use Don Pardo.The announcer.Just a close-up of his hands.And his wonderful, silly voice. Now what do I do, Bill?And so Friday night, there was a dress rehearsal, live audience.And it did really well.
And it was a real highlight of the night.The other sketches were so-so.And there were two musical guests, and George Carlin was the host doing like three or four monologues. So at the notes afterwards, Lauren's sitting at home base.
I remember I was sitting between Gilda and Lorraine, and he looks at me making cuts and cuts and cuts and cuts, and he says, Billy, I need two minutes.I said, take two minutes out?He goes, no, I need two minutes.And I went, I'm screwed.
I don't have anything that's two minutes.It takes two minutes just to do the setup. And I could condense it, I could do that, but Lauren, afterwards I said, I don't have anything else.He says, well, you know, let's think about it.
It's Friday at midnight.Saturday I come back, the rundown, I'm on at 12.55, which you know already is dicey.That's the last comedy spot.
Whenever you'd see, when I was a writer there, whenever your sketch
was on at 1255, you'd think, all it takes is for one sketch to run a little long and you're gonna get nudged into, well, we'll do it next week, but it never, once it's gone, it's gone.Hard to explain, but it's gone.
So I see that, so I call my managers and everyone, so they come over and it was, you know, Lawrence putting together his very first show.It's so hectic, it's crazy.And this is the first one.
So I'm just waiting and waiting and waiting, camera blocking, run through it again.This, wait over here, wait over there, it's not looking good, it's going to be okay, don't worry about it.
So at 8.30, my manager comes out and says, come on, we're going. What?We try to get it five minutes in the first hour, he can't do it.George is doing four monologues, there's two songs, and so there's, come on, let's just get the hell out of here.
And I went, but I, and that was it.And then I find myself on the Long Island Railroad, subway to Penn Station, Long Island Railroad, to go home, to call the relatives to say don't watch.I mean, there's no cell phone, there's nothing.
You know, you had to, there's no dial. And then the reactions, what'd you do?You got fired?What did you say to the man?What'd you do, open a mouth?That thing. And I thought, that's it.I'm done.
You know, Lorne then brought me back for show 19 with Ron Nesson, who was Gerald Ford's press secretary.He hosted the show.I did that.And then I didn't do it again for eight years until I hosted.But then you come back as a cast member.
In a way, again, these things are so much bigger than us, but everyone's trajectory is probably the trajectory they're supposed to have.
So you went off, had all this other success, but then came back and was able to dominate on SNL in that season in a very special way that would not have been possible in the first five years.
No, I was ready.Yeah, you were ready.What we had talked about in the beginning was that I was to do... like six appearances over like the first two seasons.And then be sort of the first non-celebrity host.It was like growing from the farm system.
And then I go off and I end up on Howard Cosell's Saturday Night Live on ABC.And then I moved to California, playing places, doing pretty well, and then I get soap.You get soap.
But, you know, so now I'm playing one character, which I really, really enjoyed, learned a lot, great cast, controversial show and character.Really brilliant though.Way ahead of its time.
And really one of the real geniuses that I ever met was Susan Harris, who wrote the first 68 episodes by herself.Amazing. But I kept looking back at 8-H, going that's where I should have been.
And I was having a successful time, but I didn't feel like myself.Then I did my first HBO special in 79 that did very well, and another one in 84 that also did very well.And then Dick Ebersole called and said, would you host?And I did two that year.
And that summer he called me and said, listen, I got an idea. If I could get Chris, Cass, and Marty, and Harry Sher, would you come for a year?I said, let me think about it.Yes.I just knew it was the right thing.
And we packed up the kids and we moved to New York and I had the time of my life and I felt like I was where I was supposed to be, but now I was supposed to be there. You know, it all felt right.
I don't know if you've got a lot of moments to remember, but I think I had, I think I'm doing the late night show, but there's an anniversary special for SNL.And I don't know if it was an anniversary special for SNL or maybe a salute to NBC 50.
I don't know, there was some salute, something, you came out as your- Fernando.
Fernando character.It was the 25th anniversary.
It was the 25th, okay.But what I remember, is that you come out and Gary Busey is in the audience.Yes.And Gary Busey, who's, you know, been through some stuff.
Gary Busey suddenly thinks that it's OK for him to just shout out on this live tribute show to Fernando.And he starts heckling you.Yes.And you start talking.It was so funny because it was live television.And you don't see that on SNL.
I was sitting in the crowd.
I'm doing this little thing.I think I had a minute 45 scheduled and it's going well.And I look out and I'm picking up people.And I said, well, Gary Busey, you're alive.You're alive.
And he got mad and he came towards the set and I had to restrain him.
He got up and starts walking.And then you were doing a great job of having fun with it.Yeah.You were so funny.And in the moment, and it was electric because you thought, I don't know where this is going.This either, maybe you'll get choked out.
I don't know what's going to happen, but you were making it really funny.And in the moment I thought, this is, I don't see this in 8-H a lot.Sometimes there has to be some improvisation.
Well, the thing about Fernando was they were all improvised. All the hideaways that we did was so much fun because I wasn't sure what I was going to say until I said it.
And the hideaway set would roll out right in front of the audience, right where the news usually is.And it was the booth and all that stuff.And the audience could see that the cue card guys went away.
So it was just me talking to whoever the host would be. Oh, we had Hulk Hogan and Mr. T, which was very funny.And then Barry Manilow was scheduled to be the, he was playing Radio City Music Hall and he was scheduled to be the guest in the Hideaway.
At 10 after 11, he calls Dick Ebersole and said he's not coming.He's too scared.He doesn't want to be made fun of.He's nervous about improvising. So he decides he's not coming.So we have a six minute slot.
So I'm looking around and I see one of our camera guys, his name is Bobby Ferraccio.Bobby, did you know Bobby?Yep.All right, Bobby weighed about 400 pounds.He was a large man.And I went over to him and I said, Bobby, this is a crazy idea.
Manilow just canceled.Why?No, no, no, calm down.
Would you come into the hideaway with me and play him?And I'll introduce the fact that he's not there, but I can't disappoint my fans, and we'll just do it.And he goes, do I get paid extra?
I said, ass dick, I don't know.
He says, a little, a little, yeah.And so we did it. It was really funny and he was just so delightful.Real.Real.They were all just so spontaneous.That's what the show was supposed to be and that's the world I love to live in.
My year there for me, I used everything in my toothpaste that I had. I just loved every second of it.But that was an example of really being comfortable and confident with myself, and Bobby was great.
And then we thought, well, what about for the rest of the season?Nobody shows up, and it's always Bobby.
It would be pretty, you know.
And he said, no, my neighbors killed me, Bill.My neighbors killed me. He starts singing, I write the songs, he starts singing stuff.It's really delightful, it was great.
You know what's funny?I was thinking about this too before you came today, which is media, entertainment has changed so much.People used to all be on the same page.For better or worse, I think when you were early on hosting the Oscars,
was maybe one of the last times when you've got the right guy doing the job, but it's not just that.You've got the right person doing the job, but you also have everybody's on the same page.It's tougher now, I think, because I watch a lot of movies.
And oftentimes when I'm watching, and I'm in entertainment.Yeah. And I haven't seen seven of the things they're talking about.Whereas, when I think about the shows when you were hosting, you had amazing, great material.You're very comfortable.
You're in charge of the room.But also, everybody's gathered around the campfire.And it felt like a time that might not come back.
I agree.Because people were going to movies. And there were movie stars, real movie stars.We didn't have streaming.We didn't have anything else.You went to the movie theater.And when I started doing the show, I was now part of the movie world.
I had hosted the Grammys three years prior to that.And then one after the other had a couple of really good movie hits that I earned my way to the show.You don't have to have movie hits anymore.
No. You put a pressure on yourself that, I mean, God bless you for having those and for doing that.But it's, I mean, also when Carson was hosting the Oscars, which he did many times, he had never had a movie hit before.
So you put a pressure on yourself that was unnecessary.I wish I had been there to tell you.I was way too young and you wouldn't have known who I was.
You're that kid from Universal, right?
You don't have to do it, Billy.
The coffee was cold.That first time was really special.I had been a presenter the year before in the terrible show.This was a non-host Rob Lowe singing.I was a presenter.
He's still hiding out from that one.
I was a presenter on that show, and it went pretty well, and then they asked me to do it.But I remember feeling not nervous, I was actually excited to go out there, because we had good stuff.And I had one writer, Robert Wall.
Bob Wall, who's a very good actor, too.He's actually in the SNL movie.He plays Davey Wilson.It was just he and I. And we had done the three Grammys together.And we had a great way to work together.It was just us.
And it was just like, let's get out there.Because we felt really confident.You know when you would do your show and you'd do a monologue, you knew your jokes were really good?No, I don't.You've never felt that?
I think you forgot who you're talking to, but no, I know, I do know the feeling of, I think this stuff is really good and I'm excited to go out.
Yeah, and I'm prepared.Yeah.And I remember walking out there and Nicholson was right there in the front who would later become like my partner on the show.Yeah, yeah.
And we wrote jokes about him because he had made that huge deal for the Batman thing and he made, he had the Joker and he made like a 40, $50 million. or something.It was one of those pay me later things.And we did jokes about him.
Jack is so wealthy, Morgan Freeman drove him here tonight.
And the great thing is, he's laughing.Oh, big time.See, that's the thing, too, is that having the great joke and going after an icon of that status, but then they're laughing, that's magic.
Oh, yeah, and I did three.Because they don't always laugh.No, I said, you know, Jack is so rich.I remember the sequence.Jack is so rich, he bought land in Japan. Jack is so rich, Morgan Freeman drummer.
And the last one was, and I said to the audience, I got one more if you want it.And he was just, and that was relaxing me.I said, Jack is so rich, John Peters still cuts his hair.Now, John Peters was the head of the studio.Who had been a hairdresser.
And a hair guy. And it was going just great.And there's an 18-minute gap, we call the Rosemary Woods gap in the show, where it's sound effects, editing, and there's no host.
So I'm in my dressing room, and I'm making a sandwich, fixing my makeup and all this stuff, and then... Who is it?It's Jack and Warren.So I go, Jack and Warren who? So it's Warren Beatty and Jack.And I said, did you upset?Are you kidding me?
Thanks for talking about my money, kid.And he said, I just want to say one thing.It's great you're doing this.Keep it doing.Keep doing it.And it's just so important that you're here.And we love you both.
Both of us just want you to have a great rest of the show.And we're going to have a little thing later at the Hacienda if you want to come by.I said, he's got a Hacienda. I never knew anyone had a hacienda.
I thought only in Zorro does somebody have a hacienda. But that was the most selfless, wonderful feeling that it connected with him.It was great.
You've had a lot of these fun, crazy moments that you sometimes must wake up and think, wait a minute, did that happen?
I have another one that was, I'm introducing Bob Hope is in the audience.And Bob at that point could not hear very well.I did not know that.
And he's sitting next to his wife and I said, you know, this is my whatever time it was, six or seventh, I've done nine, something.And I said, Bob, I'm just renting your house for a while.You know, just, ladies and gentlemen, the great Bob Hope.
And he knows the camera's on.They're roving through the audience.The mini came on.And he knows and knows, and then the camera goes away, and he looks at me, and he slips me the finger. Just fooling, just like, thank you, thank you, thank you.
And I just cracked and it was just so great.The next day I get a handwritten note delivered to my house, which I have framed at home from Bob Hope.Very nice things he said.You could do this, you could do that and that.
And he said, but why didn't you call me to play your brother in Mr. Saturday Night?I would have saved you a fortune on makeup. Keep doing it, Bob.
Great things.You know, I was thinking, you have this other aspect of your career, which is you were able to befriend your sports idols.I mean, you became very friendly with Ali.
The face, you could argue, the face of sports in the 20th century.I mean, who's a bigger sports icon than Muhammad Ali for so many reasons?
And I know that you became close with Mickey Mantle, who you grew up idolizing.What I didn't know is that you became friends with Yogi Berra.Oh, yeah.I didn't realize that.
Hey, kid, how you doing, kid?You know, don't work so hard.You work too hard, kid.Yeah.He came to opening night of Seven Inches Sundays on Broadway the first time, which is now On November 5th, there'll be 20 years.Wow.Crazy.And we became friendly.
And through Joe Torre, who's one of my best friends now, I'd be around them all the time, either working out.I was a pretty good baseball player for a while.And then Joe would have me work out with the guys.And Joe, he was there.
We'd have dinners together.He'd call me on my birthday.He was the sweetest, most beautiful guy and amazing character. You know he was a D-Day when he was 19 years old?I did know that, yeah.Unbelievable.
You know, he had like two sides of his character.One, he was an amazing baseball player.But two, most of the new generation knew him as the Affleck guy.
you know, with the duck, and funny, and a little, you know, he's the little old guy who talks funny.Who says malapropisms, and yeah, exactly.When you come to the fork in the road, take it, you know, that stuff.It gets laid early out there, you know.
And he's the greatest catcher in the history of baseball.His stats are insane.
He's also interesting because There's a documentary about him recently that made the point that he didn't look the way a baseball player was supposed to look.I mean, Ted Williams looked like a movie star.Oh man.Mickey Mantle looked like a movie star.
All these guys look like what they're supposed to be.Yogi Berra doesn't look like an athlete.No.He didn't look like he belonged anywhere.No.Maybe in the back of like a shop where he's like slicing up ham or something.
You know, I was thinking about, you got to know Ali well, and Ali really enjoyed you.Yes.He really enjoyed you.You did a fantastic impression of him, and he loved that, and that created a bond.
Yes, it was the first time that I really was on television as a stand-up, was a local special, only seen in New York, Connecticut, and Pennsylvania. It was produced by Sport Magazine.
A great writer there, later became a great friend, named Dick Schapp.Dick was a great sports writer and journalist, amazing man.It's really a story about fate and about destiny.Ali beats George Foreman.
He's 33 years old, and he's named as the Sport Magazine Man of the Year.So they're going to have this special for him at the Plaza Hotel.So Dick calls my agent, Pat Lee, who later produced... Who gave him my first job.Yeah.
looking for Robert Klein, because Robert did a lot of great sports stuff.And she said, well, gee, Robert's out of town, but I have this new kid.He does this really good little three-minute Ali Kosel thing that might be perfect for you, Dick.
Dick goes, sounds great.Tell him Friday night.Be there at the Plaza Hotel around 6.30.The show's going to start at 8.The dinner's at 7.And give me his phone number.So I am literally
feeding my daughter, who I just told you about, we went fly fishing together yesterday.And I'm feeding her, and Pat calls me and said, Dick Schaap's gonna call you.And I, why?I knew Dick, he was the Ed McMahon of the Joe Namath had a talk show.
And he and Dick- This is back when Joe Namath could have a talk show.Yeah, it's a different time.And he's gonna call, I said, why?He said, it's a dinner on Ali and so on, so it's gonna be televised.And so I said, really?
And then taking oatmeal off her cheek. Phone rings, hey Billy, it's Dick Schaap.Would you like to hear the invitation?No, no, no, I hear it's great.Really?It's good over the phone.You know, that's how I like to... No, no, it's fine.
So, I get a babysitter, Janice and I drive into the Plaza Hotel, and I thought it was supposed to be a tuxedo for some reason. And everyone in those business suits, I really look stupid in this little makeshift tuxedo I've got.
And Janice and I walk in holding hands, looking like two people who had just come to America. And I meet Dick.He couldn't have been more charming.And said, Janice, you'll sit with me.Billy, you're going to sit two seats from Ali on the dais.
And I look at Ali, and there he is the first time I saw him in person. And it was like, you know, he was the sun and everybody was revolving around him.It was insane.It was a Scorsese shot.Everyone else was in slow motion.
As I walked closely, you know, up to the dais and got there was like this tracking shot.I'm just looking at him.
And I sit down, and I'm in between Archie Griffin, who had just won the Heisman Award, and Gino Marchetti, who was the defensive end for the Baltimore Colts.
Because not only was Ali the Sport Magazine Man of the Year, all of these people were the Man of the Year in their individual sports. Plus, Neil Simon and George Plimpton.So, oh my God.
So now I'm sitting there and Ali looks over and he's like, he knows everybody except me.I didn't even know me. I mean, I'm still substitute teaching during the day for $43.50 and working at Catch a Rising Star at night.
And Dick says to me, before I sat down, how shall I introduce you?Dick, just say here's one of his closest and dearest friends.And I'll walk to the podium and I'll go right into, hello everyone, how are you?
It'll just make sense and I won't have to talk as myself.It'll be okay.I'll be in character, I'll be fine.So, you know, as I said, Ali's looking at me probably thinking, what the hell is Joel Grey doing here? He's not looking so good.
So he says my name, I walk up, I go right into the Koselovit, and I get heckled in the audience by Ali's, one of his trainers, his name is Drew Bundini Brown.And he starts, I don't know what he's yelling.
Hello everyone, Howard Kosel coming to you live from Zaire. That's what heckles sound like.You never know what they're saying.I got this, Bundini.I got this. So I get in there, finally I get to, Mohammed, come over, Mohammed, come over.
How do you knock out George Foreman?How do you feel?Everybody's talking about Joe Frazer, I'm gonna talk about Joe Frazer.And then it goes on and they go crazy.
And it finishes, I'm announcing tonight, I'm changing my name, because I got new religious beliefs.I want to be known now as Izzy Yiskowitz.Izzy Chaim Yiskowitz, because Chaim the greatest of all time. It's Jewish boxing.
Jewish boxing, you don't hit the man, you just make him feel guilty.Getting the clutch, I said to him, when's the last time you spoke to your mother?He goes, oh, Jesus.I gave him a zitz.It finishes, and then Dick says my real name, a big applause.
Ali holds me in his arms and whispers into my ear, You're now my little brother.And that's what he called me for 42 years.And we would, he lived not far from here, in the Fremont place, I think it's called.
And it was later they shot the Rocky movie, that was his house there.So it's not far from here.And he'd call me up.And it was never Bill, it was always little brother, what are you doing?You want to run with me tomorrow on a golf course?
I run a golf course over in Wilshire, a golf course.I said, I said, Mohammed, They won't let me there.I'm Jewish.It's segregated.It's restricted.No Jews allowed.He goes, what?I'm a black Muslim and they let me run there.
I'm not going to ride there again.So he never ran there again.Wow.So we would have all of these events over the years.He would be there.He came at my 50th birthday party and surprised me and walked out in front of everybody.
It was just, it was crazy. Didn't you guys go to Cosell's funeral together?Yeah, and I was sitting at Howard's funeral.And they meant everything to each other.
Howard, for all of his pomposity, sided with Ali when Muhammad refused to go into the service, and he kept him going and fought for him, and in some ways helped the Supreme Court overturn his conviction.They meant a lot to each other.
So I'm sitting next to him, closed casket, and Ali whispers to me, he goes, Hey little brother, you think he's wearing his hairpiece?So now I lose it.I lose it.I'm just gone.It's like, you know, somebody farted in church.That's what this is like.
Oh my God, I'm laughing, I'm laughing, I'm laughing.And I said, I don't think so.He said, well, how will God recognize him? And I said, once he opens his mouth, he'll know.So this went on and on and on.And now we age.We all age.
And I get a call that he's not gonna make it through that weekend.And so Lonnie, his unbelievable wife, says, listen, it's gonna be a memorial in Louisville.Muhammad wanted you to be one of the eulogists.I said, oh my God, can you come?
I said, of course we'll come. So we fly there.It's very emotional.It's an arena of 17,000 people.That day they paraded the casket through town and people ran after it the way that people looked at the train with Robert Kennedy's casket flying by.
And I'm sitting there waiting to go on.President Clinton's on my left. and Janice is on my right and we're still holding hands.And I'm thinking to myself, what if Robert Klein was in town?
Or what if you had been on SNL?What if you had gotten on that night, October 11th, 1975?You still, because you're you, you make it, but it's different.This is, how could it have gone better than it went?
Yeah, that's why I so value my time now. Because my choices get more interesting because they're more limited.Just because of time.If I could do that, I would do that.If I had a chance to do that, I would do that.
That's why when I developed this show called Before for Apple, with my great friend and amazing writer named Eric Roth.
Then we found this phenomenal writer named Sarah Thorpe who really created the show from our initial ideas about this pediatric psychiatrist who I play, who's dealing with this troubled little boy who is- Noah.Yeah.He's really a savant.
He's mute a lot.He can draw what he can't talk about.And I have to draw him out.And he shows up one day out of the blue.My wife had committed suicide.I'm mourning her.How did this happen?Why did this happen?Why is this kid here?
And why does this kid just show up on my doorstep and scratches his name into my front door?And the show goes off from there. and why him, why me?And it's, I'm so proud of this show and it's them.
You know, you talk about these trajectories, we live in an era now, there's positives, you can say there's positives, there's negatives, it's just what it is.I think one of the things that's very positive about this time we're in,
is that I think people used to get pigeonholed more for star.So if a star like you said, I want to make this series that is about some really dark material, and it's got a lot of mystery to it, but
this is, we're gonna get great actors, we're gonna get great cinematographer, and we're gonna shoot this series.I think there would have been a time where they said, well, no, you're Billy Crystal.We're not gonna let you do that.
But what we want you to do is this sitcom we've got where you're Uncle Goofy.This is, clearly, I saw the first three episodes, let me see the first three episodes, which I loved.And it is quite different, I think, from anything you've done before.
I've always tried to straddle that, you know, coming off of three really funny movies in a row.Throw Mama from the Train, Harry Met Sally, and City Slickers.Those were like really good, funny movies.
And then I did Mr. Saturday Night, which to me is still one of my favorite things that I've done as a film.But it was risky, because he's not a likable character.The movie is really funny, but it gets hard.It gets edgy. And it didn't open.
And that was tough to take at the time.So I've always tried to do... I don't want to be pigeonholed.
But also, even in When Harry Met Sally, you're invested.The movie works because you guys are invested in it as actors.So you're not just playing it for laughs.
No.It was a great script.Nora Ephron, rest in peace, Rob.
I'm going to say rest in peace, even though I saw him two nights ago.Rob, rest in peace.We're thinking of you, Rob.
Perfect, perfect director for that material, especially with Best Friends.But pushing that aside to say, I'm not playing you, I gotta play this guy.And working on that with Meg and Bruno and Carrie.
It's a great story, it was an amazing experience, and it holds up still, and new people find it all the time.My granddaughter, who just graduated from the place where we saw each other.Juvenile detention facility. Both our kids went there.
They didn't know that I was her grandfather, so there was a film class she was taking, and they showed the movie, and they go, oh my god, she hadn't seen it before.And it was like a whole renaissance kind of thing.
Would you come to the school and talk to us? It's really interesting that that movie in particular, and City Slickers too, they're evergreens.And new people keep discovering them.That's great.That's very thrilling.
You're never supposed to if you're a prosecutor.
I feel like a prosecutor right now.You're never supposed to ask a question, you know the answer to.Is this a series where there could be a season two or does it culminate at the end of the first season?
This culminates.We're talking about where does... Because your character, Eli, it's a good character.We're talking about a new... Apple's already hinting around what could we do next.We love this.They're going to turn you into a phone.
That's what they're gonna do.It's the most difficult part I've ever had to play.It gets, boy, I'm just dying to tell you everything, because I'm so excited about it.What's such a terrific cast, too.Great cast.Judith Light, Rosie Perez.
I'm leaving out somebody.I'm gonna show up.Hope Davis.I'll be in the next season.And this amazing young boy. He's terrific, yeah, he's great.Jacoby.Yeah.He's 10, he plays eight.That's how good he is.
I swore he was nine.That kid's a magician.
Am I right?And you were shocked.Yeah.You were shocked.Yeah.Well, he's had a lot of work done.Yeah. And if you need the number of his doctor?I do.Clearly, I do.Jacoby Jupe.J-U-P-E.He's phenomenal.
And we have moments together that are so difficult to play.We have five directors during the season, and they would come up to him and say, we're going to change the blocking, the camera where the camera's going.So why don't we rehearse one time?
And he goes, No, I've got it.Oh my god.I'd rather not rehearse.That's incredible.He could do that.I can't do that.
They lead me in here with peanut butter. Um, the show is so good.
This kid, the show is called, uh, before it's on Apple TV, uh, plus, and it's a limited series, but it's really brilliant.And, um, you know, we, I've said this before, but we started doing this podcast.
As you remember, Sona, just as a fun thing, cause I didn't know what a podcast was, and it was an opportunity.
I realized very quickly I get to sit and talk to people who I really admire, who've had these brilliant careers, and I get to talk to them for an hour about all the things I want to find out, and it's a mitzvah, as the Irish say.
Well, if there's anything else you'd like to find out, I have a good parking spot, so I can stay a little bit longer. This has been an absolute joy.
It really has.Thank you so much.Well, can I change what I said in the beginning?
Okay.We've never done this, but you'll be the first.Hi, my name is Billy Crystal, and I feel great about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
Did I go soft?Is that too soft?You went too soft.And you, you know what?
You lost the hardcore edgy audience.You know, the punk rockers, they've left.Punk rockers? The Altar Rockers.Yeah, exactly.Billy, really, thank you for being here and congrats on everything.Thank you, man.
You know, before we go, Kona and I did... Oh, my God.
Yeah, tell.We... We were lovers. We, together, were in the Yankee dressing room at Yankee Stadium.
Let me back it up just a little bit, and then I'll pass it back to you, which is Billy is going to come on the show back in the day, doing the late night show.I'm very excited. I'm not sure Billy had been on before, and I'm like, this is great.
Billy Crystal's coming on.I'm excited about the whole thing.That day, we get a call.Would Conan, I believe, or maybe it was the night before, but it might've been that day.Does Conan wanna come?Billy had an idea.
He might like to go to, he knows Conan likes to do things in the field.Would Conan wanna go with Billy to Yankee Stadium, shoot it, and we'll get it on the, we'll edit it and get it on the air that night.We said yes.
The next thing you know, I'm in a van racing to Yankee Stadium, and then you take it away.
We go into the locker room and Conan goes through Daryl Strawberry's mail. Which is illegal, by the way.
He's not just reading open fan letters, he's opening envelopes.I'm opening envelopes.Billy's like, I'm not sure, and I'm like, I got it, Billy.And of course, we also went in, I grew up in Boston, lifetime Boston Red Sox fan.
Like a jackass, I'm wearing a T-shirt with a Red Sox jersey over it.You lead me into the clubhouse, there's Joe Torre.Joe Torre, probably doesn't watch late night TV, not quite sure.He thinks you brought Jane Lynch in.
So you walk in, he's like, Billy.And I remember he was on an exercise machine.He's on an exercise machine and we got cameras.And he's like, Billy, great to see you.
And he looks over and he looks at me and I've never seen, he sees this asshole in the cathedral.
And I'm wearing a Red Sox jersey.And all he knows is that if I was not with Billy, I'd have been immediately murdered.He just would have pushed a button and I would have been murdered.But we had a blast.We chopped it up.
We got it on the air that night.And still I hear from people about it, mostly about a crime I committed. But yeah, Billy, thank you.I can't thank you enough for being here.
Oh, I loved it.I loved it.
And you're welcome back here anytime.
And congratulations on the show.Thank you.And congratulations on everything.
It's been a trip, man.And more to come.I'm going to be 77. Did I just say that?Next March.And boy, I just look forward to more and more and more stuff to do.Yeah.
Also, you look good, whatever you're doing, whatever, I know that you and Marty, short or tight, every time Marty sees me, it's one of my favorite lines, he says, Conan, my boy, whatever you're having done, whatever work you're having done, I say 20% more and then stop.
Oh, he's, you know. I love him to pieces.
Yes, he's a ridiculous imp.But Billy, God bless.Thanks for doing this.Thank you.Appreciate it.
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sona Movsesian, and Matt Gourley.Produced by me, Matt Gourley.Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.Theme song by The White Stripes.Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.Additional production support by Mars Melnick.
Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kahn.You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.Got a question for Conan?Call the Team Coco hotline at
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