Welcome to this special masterclass.We've brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today.It's going to be powerful.So let's go ahead and dive in.
What is the greatest strategies you've discovered in the last couple of years of, you know, managing stress, overcoming it, facing it, that some people could start to learn how to implement as well?
Okay, so I happen to be in my opinion, one of the world's leading experts on anxiety because I struggled with it for a long time.And a couple of our kids have had profound bouts with anxiety.And I learned things the hard way.
And so everything I'm about to share is not medical advice.It is life tested wisdom from having to dig myself out of mental holes and messes thanks to what used to be very chronic anxiety. So, first let me explain what anxiety is.
It is an alarm in your body that is designed to agitate you.That's all that anxiety is.It's an alarm in your body that is designed to agitate you, to wake you up.
because that alarm wants to get your attention so that you can focus on giving yourself what you need in that moment, okay?
I also wanna preface what I'm about to teach everybody and to share with you by saying that a lot of this I have learned recently, because I am so sick of living inside a body that feels on edge all the time.
And I'm tired of having a mind that basically is on a constant campaign for what's wrong.And I've done traditional talk therapy.
And so from Dr. Russ Kennedy, one of the things that I learned recently that is just amazing is that all anxiety comes from one source.
It is when your original alarm went off as a child, and you probably don't even remember, because it happens even in moments where you're nonverbal.It's a moment of separation from parent.
So the original alarm that you felt, because that's all that anxiety is.Anxiety is an alarm that's designed to wake you up, okay?Because you need something.
The alarm of anxiety is telling you that there is something missing right now for you, and what's missing is a feeling of safety. and a feeling of deep connection with self, that's all that's missing.
And so when you reframe it as a way to let love in, and that it is a way to let love in from yourself, you start to change the way that your body experiences moments that trigger you from childhood.
And so I think so much of what I am trying to put out into the world is this notion that everything needs to start with addressing these feelings that we have.
Like for me, you want to change your life, there is a very simple formula that's not easy to do.You need to take action before you feel like it.
You need to take the actions that the person that has what you really want and deserve in your life, you need to take the same type of actions before you feel like that person.You must act first, period.That's how you change.
When it comes to healing your body and when it comes to anxiety, you have to, instead of running away from it or numbing it, because the anxiety feeling is triggering you, to grab the alcohol.
It's triggering you to get very busy and start running errands or it's triggering you to turn on the TV or hit the vape pen or hit the joint or whatever.And that feeling could be boredom.It could be a sense of overwhelm. It could be insecurity.
Like, because think about what happens.Let's take the example of you're dating and somebody hasn't texted you in a day, they left you unread, you know, like you start to get that wave, the alarm goes off.Because what do you need?
You need some love and reassurance.But what we do instead is, you know, you see that you're still unread and you grab the vape pen.That is you dealing with your anxiety in a destructive way. What do you do?
You like start scrolling through social media, which makes you insecure.That is you trying to distract yourself or numb or whatever, this uncomfortable feeling that you don't know how to deal with.When really that feeling requires one action.Love.
But why is it so hard for so many people to love and accept themselves?
Because when you were a child, love was transactional.You were taught. that if you're doing what I want, I love you.We all do it, I did it to my kids too.I didn't mean to.
We all parent, we try to parent through connection, but we tend to correct our kids a lot.And so you learn that if I'm not doing what you want me to do, then you don't like me right now, you don't love me.
And we learn that if we are getting into the right school, or we're getting good grades, or our team is doing well in sports, or we are interested in medicine because dad's interested in medicine, that that's how you earn love.
And you know, it's very hard to, with day-to-day life, not do something that fucks your kids up.
Because they're- Even if you're being conscious and healthy and all the right things, it's hard.
Of course, because you can't read their mind, you can't- You don't know what they're perceiving and how they take your conversation and what you said and what you didn't say.
Yep, yep, yep.And they are learning by observing and absorbing.And so that means that there are gonna be moments where they deeply need a hug
and they need a quieter tone of voice and you've just slammed your laptop shut and you've just yelled out something because of somebody being like a jerk to your work.And your kid was standing behind you and needed something.
And so I think that that's why we don't actually know how to love ourselves.And the other reason why is kind of biologically speaking, from zero to 18, Like, you're not in charge.
Right, your body, the hormones are growing.
Your freaking survival, dude, is based on your parents.If you want to eat, if you want to, like, you are hardwired to bond with them.And so this is who you're learning from, for better or for worse.
And most of us learned that, you know, if mom's not happy, I'm not supposed to be happy.If dad's mad, then I've done something wrong.
We do not have within us as children, the ability to look at the adults around us and be like, well, they're up and boy, you know, dad must've had a bad day at work.We go, something's wrong with me that they're not home when I get home.
Something's wrong with me that she's giving me the silent treatment.What have I done? And so we are trained as kids, for better or for worse, that love is conditional, that if we please other people, we get more of it.
If we perform and make other people happy, we get more of it.And so we don't learn that it's unconditional.And we don't learn because that's not how people act.
And we don't learn how to truly love ourselves through these ups and downs of lives because our parents weren't taught how to do this for themselves.I mean, if you want to, like, instead of blaming your parents, look at your grandparents.
Right.And great grandparents.
It's just been passed down.
Because they're just passing down what they had to put up with.Like, I always find it really interesting that every generation, for example, let's take a non-anxiety, non-relationship, non-family example.
Every single generation disrupts the way we work and disrupts what we think about work.Like if you go back to the 1900s when you would die working in a factory,
Most people that worked in factories under those conditions were like, well, I survived it, why do we need safety protocols?Right?
Working in the coal mines.
Yes, and like literally is an upgrade.Now people are like, why do I need to be in an office?Well, we were in an office, it's better for, is it better?I don't know.And so I feel too that we are the first generation to talk openly about mental health.
I mean, when I was in high school, you were a freak if you had anxiety. Which I was, by the way.
Right.But you can't talk about it.
No, there is no self-help section in the bookstore.Do you know what kind of a loser went in there?
The amount of tools that are available, the self-awareness, the research, the awakening, the fact that people are starting to connect the dots, that mental health is everything.Because if you're not a happy person, you will take that into work.
and your relationships, and on your kids, and this, and that, and the other thing, and you're gonna make your own life miserable.
And so I feel like a lot of the things that we're talking about, it's actually very exciting because we didn't have these doors.People didn't talk openly about this.My mom said something pretty profound the other day.
She was kind of like, we were talking about something, I remember, and she goes, You know, I often wonder if I don't have, if I've never experienced anxiety because I won't allow myself to.
So used to it now, right?
Yeah.Or she's like, there's so much stuff that went down in my past that I don't, why would I want to unpack that?
Right.It's scary to look at.Yes.It's hard.Yes.Painful.
Yes.But I admire like this generation that, you know, is like the 20-somethings now.My 17-year-old son, you know what one of the best parts of his life is?He's a freaking therapist.Why?Because he loves... I said, why do you like Keith so much?
He's like, because I like talking to adults and I like having somebody other than you or dad to unpack this stuff with.
It makes you feel a little bit better.It makes you process it.Well, I think it's... you know, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like more than ever now this generation has tools and the freedom without shame to talk about these things.
And also on the other side, extreme, you know, it seems like more kids than ever are vaping, doing drugs, alcohol, having sex younger and younger, connected to their phones nonstop, not, you know, allowing themselves to really process, they're still using other things to mask the anxiety.
Well, because as pressure, to get into the right school, to make money, to be an influencer, to figure out your life by the time you're 21.It's all that pressure or perceived pressure increases, so does your stress and anxiety.
And as stress and anxiety increases, if you don't have the resources, tools, the support, so will your coping negative habits.Scrolling through social media, by the way, is something people do when they feel anxious. Why?
Because they're using what's on their phone to distract themselves from the uncomfortable feelings in their body.But the irony is it usually just makes you more anxious to see other people's seemingly perfect life.What else do people do?
They do all the things you're talking about.They vape. procrastinate, they drink, they buy that they don't need, they play sports bets, they watch porn.All these things are ways to escape uncomfortable feelings in your body.They overeat.All of it.
And so when you understand that at its core, Anxiety is an alarm that is hardwired in your body to make you wake up.And what it's asking you to do is to give yourself a little bit of love and reassurance right now.
I know you're sitting in a dorm room.I know you think you have no friends and everybody here already has their friend group and you're the loser. but you know what, you're not, it's gotta be okay.You don't need to hit the pen.
You can literally tolerate that feeling of feeling alone.If you know that what that discomfort's about is really a need for love and connections, give that to yourself in that moment, that's it.
Learning to love yourself has been the next thing.How can someone start to learn how to love themselves if they never felt like they got it from their parents the way they needed it?
How can they learn when they've always been on high alert, stressed, anxious, separate from the love they've always wanted?
Okay, so there's two different things you need to do.First of all, you got to get serious about the body.You have two nervous systems, sympathetic and parasympathetic. I think about it like the wiring in your wall.
So Lewis has these light bulbs behind us, right?What's fueling that?Electricity.There's wiring in there.If we were to flip the switch off, the wiring would still be there.
What's happening when you feel stressed out or you have unresolved trauma or you've just lived through a pandemic and you have not turned the light off is that the light's on. What we need to do as a society is find the switch and flip it off.
And so the way you do that is going into your body.There's a bazillion different things that you can do.You can do cold exposure.You can meditate.You can do breathing exercises.You can.
Start doing the high five in the mirror as part of your morning routine.You can give your heart a high five where you just place your hands right here in the center of your body and you tone what's called the vagus nerve.
And the vagus nerve is the on-off switch.
And so when you Google vagus nerve and do those exercises as part of your day to day life, going outside for a walk for 10 minutes is another way to like literally get back into your body and to find the switch and turn the light off.
because you gotta understand that when the lights are on, the sympathetic nervous system, fight or flight, you're stressed out.When the light is off, you've now accessed peace, you're in the moment, you don't feel that stressed out.
So body, body, body, body, body, that's number one.Number two, even if it was never modeled for you, you know what you want.So get out a piece of paper and make a list of all the things that you wish somebody who loved you would do.
There's this fascinating study, Lewis, about happy people.You know the difference between happy people and people who aren't happy?
Happy people tend to spend more time doing things that make them happy.
Right.Activities that they enjoy.
And we so underestimate the little things you can do.Because just a small uptick in your mood actually makes you feel a little better.I'm not suggesting that if your best friend just got killed in a car crash, going for a walk is going to fix it.
But it might, for a minute, help you clear your mind.Like for me, if I'm having a bad day, I do one of two things. I either buy myself flowers, and I'm not talking like a $100 arrangement.I go to Trader Joe's, $2 for 10 daffodils.
I love Trader Joe's, right?Flowers make me smile.And then I have a bud vase right by the kitchen sink, and I always put one of the flowers right there. because it makes me happy.I don't know why, but it just does.
For just a minute, I see something beautiful, and it allows me to escape whatever's making me sad, okay?Or I go to Netflix, and I turn on one of the stand-up comedy specials.
Because I just just try to get somebody to make me laugh and it always makes you feel slightly better.And if you can feel slightly better today, you can feel slightly better tomorrow.And these things start to build.
And over time, that little uptick starts to become a new default.And so I think the same is true with love.Love is a verb, it's an action.
So what are the actions that you believe a loving person would take if somebody really loved you and it wasn't modeled for you?And so when you start to make that list, there's your map.Pick one thing a day.And it might be
You know, I high five the mirror as part of my morning routine as an act of love.I make my bed every morning as an act of love.I don't lay in bed and think about my problems as an act of love.I always have an amazing cup of coffee as an act of love.
And you know, oddly enough, if I'm up first, I make coffee for the person I love, Chris.And Chris does the same for me.And so just because it wasn't modeled doesn't mean you can't create a map for yourself. And so, think about it.
What would you want somebody to do?And then look around, and who seems to have that in their life, and what are the behaviors that you're seeing?And then, the million-dollar thing you gotta do.Do not wait to feel like doing it.
You have to take that action first. Because the action is what proves that you love yourself.If you sit around and think about it, you're gonna talk yourself out of it.And the fact that you're not doing anything, you're not taking action.
If you make a list and you're like, oh, they would buy me flowers, they would compliment me, they would give me a high five, they would buy me dinner.
And you don't do it for yourself.
You know what that shows you?I hate myself.Because a person that loves me would do these things. I'm not doing that.So your own action demonstrates that you don't love yourself.
This is powerful stuff, Mel.I'm so grateful for you for coming back on and sharing this wisdom.I acknowledge you for how you keep showing up for yourself, for your relationship, for your life, for your community.It's beautiful to witness that
You know, even though you've been extremely successful in different seasons of your life and you continue to succeed, you make a priority right now on your emotional, mental health as a focus.So you can keep going to the next level.
So I really acknowledge you for how you show up. Is it possible for us to change the way we think about anxiety and start to heal our brain, heal our mindset around the topic of anxiety so that it doesn't affect us or consume us in our life?
Absolutely, it is possible.And I think the first step is to realize that anxiety and our stress response, which is causing all those negative feelings, evolutionarily, that is a protective mechanism.It is necessary for our survival.
It was and it is necessary.
So it was evolved so that if there is a lion coming at us or a dangerous situation that you're in, that you automatically have that increased heart rate, that increased respiration, all the blood goes to your muscles so you can run away.
Our problem is that in this day and time, there's not a lot of lines coming at us, but there's all the worry that we see every single day when we look in the newspaper and look at our Instagram feeds, and that worry of a possible
terrible thing that might happen that also activates our stress and anxiety systems.But it is there for protection.How do we harness that and bring it back into submission so it can help us in the way that it was developed or evolved to help us?
That is, to put us into action.I want to use that energy to go into action to try and check off all those things.I have this, I don't know when your anxiety hits you, but it always hits me right before I'm gonna go to sleep.
It's like, oh, almost there, and then bing!You know, what if this happens tomorrow?Did I do that?What if that happens?What if that happens?And so that action, the way I use it, is I say, that's okay.That is going to be my to-do list for tomorrow.
I'm gonna take action, and knowing that I can and will take action helps me go back to sleep, because it still happens.
I used to, it used to be extremely difficult for me to sleep until I hit about 30, 31 years old.
And I would sit in bed for probably an hour to an hour and a half almost every night, anxious, worrying, thinking, judging myself, whatever it may be, stressing about something I haven't done yet or really just kind of beating myself up emotionally.
And what I've learned, there's two things that I've learned.What were the three things that I've learned that have helped me go to sleep extremely fast?I started to focus on everything at night, what I was grateful for from the day.
I was like, okay, if there was anything good today, what was it?Even if it was all bad.There had to be something.I'm alive.I'm healthy, or whatever it may be.I have a roof.
So just focusing on anything, and I do that every night where I think about three things to be grateful for.That brings me to another level of peace. And then I think about what am I gonna do tomorrow to help people?How am I gonna serve?
So it's like healing the shame, focusing on gratitude, and then thinking about how am I gonna serve?Not just what do I need for me, but how can I show up for other people?That kind of three-part combination gives me so much peace before I go to bed.
And it's a practice, you know, it's like a constant practice.It's not always perfect, but it's a practice.
Yeah.I love the thinking about something you're going to do for somebody else tomorrow coming from this practice of healing your own shame.
One of the superpowers in good anxiety that comes from your own anxiety, and this is a beautiful example that you just told me, is the superpower of empathy.
First, for yourself, and recognizing it in yourself, and then giving it out to others.Because, just as you described your journey, a lot of our own anxieties have been with us since we were little.Same anxiety, over and over.They stay.For decades.
For your lifetime sometimes.
So, I have many, but the one that I talk about here is shyness, and kind of social anxiety. And I've learned, because I'm a teacher and because I want to become an author, I've learned the skills not to have those kinds of anxieties.
But I was painfully shy as a young girl.And even into college, I found myself in social situations and wanting to join and not feeling comfortable, or even in class.
I realized that that has become my superpower as a teacher because I know when I'm standing at the front of the classroom, my shyness.
Because when I'm standing at the front of the classroom, there are always those students that say, I know he has I know the answer.
And I know that there's many more that want to talk to me, that want to show me what they know, want to have that interaction, but can't do that.And so what do I do?I make sure that I am there 15 minutes before.I stand there.
I talk to the students before.I stay after class.Anybody that wants to come up for a casual conversation where you don't have to be the one raising your hand.And I didn't even realize it until I wrote this book that that is a superpower
of in-class empathy.And I have that particular form of empathy because of my particular form of anxiety, my social anxiety.And so imagine the 90% of people that have their particular form of anxiety.They know what it feels like.
They know what's going through many others of our minds.And what if you turn that around and you do what you do and say, how can I help somebody else in this way that I know I've struggled But I also know what can help, right?
So that's one of my favorite superpowers.
How do we know how to turn anxiety into something good?Is this the U.S.or the world feels anxiety?
I think the actual study was about the U.S.The U.S.
90% of the U.S.claims that they have anxiety at some level, right?
And what does anxiety do for us when we don't have attacks coming our way?Like if we're constantly in a state of anxiety, what does it do to the brain and what does it do to our immune system and to our body and our emotions?
So that's a great question.The answer is, long-term anxiety will have terrible effects on all of the physiological systems that are being activated.So what's happening when you have a stress response?
Your heart rate is going up, your respiration is going up.So long-term effects of anxiety and stress are heart disease.The other thing that's happening when you're in a constant state of stress is that blood is being shunted
from your digestive and reproductive systems to your muscles because you're supposed to be running away from the lion and you're sitting there worrying about your taxes instead or whatever, the Delta variant instead.
And so long-term effects, ulcers, reproductive problems, long-term reproductive problems with long-term anxiety.And that's just the body.So now we get to my favorite body area, the brain.And so long-term stress will literally start to first
kill off the dendrites of your neurons, the input structures of your brain cells in two key brain areas, the hippocampus, critical for long-term memory, in the temporal lobe, and the prefrontal cortex, critical for decision-making, focus, and attention.
And so, for example, PTSD, if you have PTSD, classic example of long-term stress, your whole temporal lobe gets smaller.Why?Because you first start to degrade the size of your individual brain cells, and then you start to kill them off.
And so that is not, memory problems ensue.So it is not good.
Is long-term also the same as chronic?
So long-term stress, long-term anxiety is chronic anxiety and stress.
What's the definition of chronic? Does that just mean something that's consistent over?
Over months, over months and years.And, and of course, there's different levels of intensity.Also, I should say that this book, Good Anxiety, is not addressing clinical anxiety.That is a different animal.
For clinical anxiety, just as you would do if you had a broken leg, you need medical treatment.This is not a medical treatment for somebody that has chronic anxiety.This is the 90% of people Let's say, yeah, I have some anxiety every day.
I call it everyday anxiety.Everyday anxiety.
So these are some of the approaches and mindsets that you can use to start to shift that negative effect of anxiety and shift it in to the basic brain activation that it is and start to help motivate yourself to address the things that you're afraid of.
What are the common things that most people have on a daily anxiety basis, I guess?What is it?Fear of what?
You know, generally, and this is before the pandemic, fear of public speaking is one of the most common.Money fears, another big one.I'm just thinking about all my own anxieties that are talked about in the book, let's see, yeah.
Early on, social anxiety is, you know, they mirror the clinical levels of anxiety.One is general anxiety disorder, it's just kind of, life and situations and interacting with anything start to produce anxiety.
Social anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorders, one can start to worry obsessively about whatever that thing is that worries you.
And of course, the thing that is on everybody's mind right now is the uncertainty around the coronavirus and everything that happened in the future.We can't predict.
We don't know what's going to happen in the fall with schools or work for that matter.And that uncertainty is the key driver for a lot of anxiety.
So uncertainty in general. is uncertainty about my money, uncertainty if I go to this social event, am I gonna fit in?It's just kind of the uncertainty of life around different topics.It's uncertainty about my parents, are they gonna stay healthy?
It's just the uncertainty of life.So that sounds like it's one of the main causes of daily, everyday anxiety. How do we get comfortable with uncertainty so it doesn't consume us?
Yeah, that's a great question.
How do we embrace it and enjoy uncertainty and have fun and play and connect with it in a different relationship?
Yeah, yeah.So that is a great question.And the answer that I provide in the book is a multi-spoked kind of strategy.
And one strategy that's easy to understand is, how do you create more joy in your life to kind of counteract all of these negative things coming out?
And so one of my favorite, this is in the toolbox part of the book, where I go through immediate, medium-term, and long-term tools that you can use to flip your anxiety from bad to good. And one of my favorite ones is called joy conditioning.
Joy conditioning is mining your own memory banks for those joyous, funny, pick your favorite positive emotion events in your life and consciously bringing them back up and revivifying them and bringing up those emotions.
And my little trick for that is try and find a memory that you love that has an olfactory component to it.
Olfactory, a particular smell associated with it.Why?Because smells are really evocative of memories.It's very easy to bring up everything associated with that memory if it has a smell.
It's okay if it doesn't, but the one that I use is, I love this one because everybody might have an example of this.I remember a particular yoga class I went to in New York City, and I was doing so well.I was, you know, up dog, down dog.
I flipped my dog.I was like, yeah, I'm doing really well.And then I was doing the pose that I do the best, which is Shavasana.So I was in the Shavasana, feeling really good.
Is that the one where you just lay down?
I do that really well.You just lay on your back, or you're like child's pose.
Exactly. I do that even better than child's pose.I just lay on my back.Shavasana.And I was feeling really good about myself.Had this great class.
And then, on top of all of that, the teacher came around and she put some lavender lotion on her hand and she waved it under my nose. and she gave me the most luscious five second neck massage that I've ever had in my life.
Because I worked out hard, I was feeling really good about myself, and so I literally, in my purse out there, is a little vial of lavender essence.
And when I need a little pick-me-up of, remember the time I just felt so good, it was just this relaxing, feel-good moment, I smell that lavender, And that memory, that is my joy conditioning.I'm joy conditioning myself with that memory.
But you can do that with whatever memory you want.
Joy conditioning.Joy conditioning.Is that a scientific term, or is that something that's?
That is Professor Wendy Suzuki's term, and it's based on my 25 years of studying how memory works.I love it.And applying all of my knowledge to addressing anxiety.And it's really a direct antidote to
fear conditioning, which we all experience automatically.So that's, my example is, my apartment in Washington, D.C.was robbed.
And I walked around the corner, my door was the only one around the corner, and I still remember walking around the corner and seeing my door crowbarred open, hanging open when it was supposed to be locked.
And I walked in, which was not the smartest thing to do.Nobody was there.But every time I walked around that corner for months and months, I felt that.That is fear conditioning.
So that didn't go away.You had to move.Yeah, I did have to move.It went down slowly.
But I, you know, to counteract that with something like joy conditioning is, you know, invite friends over, create wonderful memories, wonderful safe events in that same space.
It never went away, and I'll tell you why, because that is a safety mechanism. You don't want to, you know, the brain doesn't allow us to obliterate anything.This isn't like that movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.Yes.So, we can't do that.
But we can counteract that very protective mechanism. Actually, I don't want to eliminate that.I want to be wary of areas and situations that were really, really bad for me.I don't want to eliminate it.
What if it's been something traumatic though or someone breaking in or a sexual assault against you or something traumatic?How do we learn to heal the memory and the emotion
of that fear of that trauma yeah to live with ourselves or to live in the environment of a home that we can't leave yet or how do we yeah is it just more joy conditioning is there other things yeah so this is where we get to that boundary between clinical levels and what this addresses so i'm really not addressing
you know, I went to Afghanistan, I have, you know, terrible PTSD.
This can help a little bit, but it does not substitute for you need to go to a therapist.And so, yeah, that is not a substitute.However, you can use these in addition to your, you know, therapy approaches.
Any tool, I think, is a good tool to try.Any tool's a good tool to try.What's another tool we can use in order to quiet some of the negative anxiety that keeps us from joy, that keeps us from feeling good about ourselves?
What's another tool you like?
I mean, we already said this, but I think this is one that so many people can use, and it was really inspired by a really good lawyer that I happened to meet at a party one day, and I told her, I'm writing this book about anxiety.
And she said, I am the lawyer that I am today because of my anxiety.And I said, oh, tell me about that.
And she said, you know, I use my anxiety for all the different arguments that the other side is going to put up against me or all the things the judge might say.
that becomes my to-do list like what if the judge says that what if the other side brings this up that that up and i turn that into actionable items and so because i do that on a systematic basis and i've gotten really good at that
I plug all the holes in my case.And I think you could apply that to anything, anything in your life.And I love it because it is an act of turning the energy of just worrying, oh, what if this, what if this, into an action.
That is really at the core of this book.Can you turn that inner turmoil into an action that is positive.And this is one example that's easy to understand how I do that.
Even if you get to the top three things on your list and do something about that, there is a satisfaction that comes from that. And you can feel that anxiety coming down with every check mark that you do.
Yeah, and if people don't turn their anxiety into a positive action, what happens?If they stay in it consistently, what happens?
Well, then we go back to what are the chronic effects of anxiety.
Heart disease, long-term stress.
Right. And they stay in this negative emotional state.They stay in the state of pure worry, no action.And that is difficult to maintain.And it starts to interfere.
It's got to be emotionally draining to be in a constant state of stress, anxiety, and worry.
It's got to make you look older, feel tired.I mean, I'm not sure what the research says about longevity if someone has a lot of stress and worry and anxiety, but I'm assuming you don't live long.You probably die younger than you should.Yes.
Have you studied anything about the blue zones, about the people that live in the blue zones who live the longest in the world, about how they manage anxiety or if they have anxiety?
And is there some benefit to having some anxiety or is it better to just have this kind of worry-free life? happy-go-lucky.I'm not gonna let anything bother me.I forgive everyone.It doesn't matter what you do.I'm just a happy human being.
Is there some benefit to that or no?
Yeah, so I think that I think about anxiety now and all that worry and anger and all these other things that come with anxiety.I really think of it as kind of the wind in my sails.
That is the little fire under my backside that gets me to do things, gets me excited, gets me to go towards the fear and get through it because I know there's something good on the other side.
And without it, I mean that is, I think there's certain perhaps times in your life if you are retired and aren't in this situation where you're dealing with the world, that that could be great.That is the happy-go-lucky, no worries.
But for most of us, I think it is very beneficial to learn how to take that fear that is depleting us, it is exhausting us, it's making us look older, and turn that into something that makes you feel better about yourself.
It decreases the overall stress in your life.And frankly, it is more practical to say, look, I'm not going to be happy-go-lucky all the time.Nobody's happy-go-lucky all the time.But I'm going to use that bad stuff that is inevitably going to come in.
And I am going to learn from it.I'm going to use it to my best advantage. And one thing we haven't talked about yet, I'm going to learn about myself through thinking about my anxiety rather than just trying to say, oh, I hate it, go away.
What does it tell us about ourselves?And like for me, my social anxiety told me how much I love and I appreciate deep friendships because I didn't have them because I was too scared to start them.I was so shy and it kept me isolated.
And there's something wrong about that.I mean, that contributed to the isolation in the first place.And so the realization, and because part of the time it's like, I'm a lone wolf.I like being alone, you know, it's okay.
But actually the truth was, I love being with people. It motivates me.So I had to get through that shyness to get that joy on the other side.
When people criticize you for being too busy or doing too many entrepreneurial things, and they have no clue about your personal life, but they'll criticize you.
Oh, he's probably not showing up for his kids, or he's not there for his relationships, or whatever it might be.
How do you navigate that conversation when people say, oh, he's just a business guy, but he's really not good at family, intimate relationships, personal life?
I mean, if my mom said that, then I'd be like, let's have this conversation.If JohnnyPants49 in the comment section says it, I'm like, JohnnyPants, I don't know you.Usually it's a direct reflection of their own anxiety. Lewis, think about this.
Could you imagine taking time to going to somebody else's account to try to make them feel bad?I'm trying to change some words in society.Let's take criticizing out.It sounds like classic.No, no, no.I want to go back to first grade talk.
To try to pull them down.You're trying to make someone feel bad.Yeah, shame them.You're trying to make someone feel bad. I don't know, man, I just don't have that gear.And I don't judge those people either.
My lack of judgment against haters, trolls, negative people is a very big power.How do you not take that personally when so many people do?They don't know me.Honestly, brother, it's logical.It's actually very logical.
I would have to think you care more about what I think about you than someone you've never met because we've interacted 31 times.It would just be logical.
Yeah.I had to learn this probably the hard way for many years, really until the last five years when it started to be like, okay, when people are saying nasty things about me online or leaving a nasty comment or whatever it is,
I can literally take it as a neutral information and not take it personally anymore.But it took me a decade of being in this world.
Look, brother, I'm not a robot.
It's not like, you know, especially like, I'll give you a big one.The proudest thing I have in my life professionally is that I sacrificed the first 12 full years of my career to build a business for my mom and dad.
It is the single thing I'm proudest of. It has also been the thing, historically, that people weaponize against me.Don't listen to him, because they don't know my story.On TikTok, he inherited a winery.
First of all, it was a liquor store in New Jersey.I didn't inherit.I'm one of the few people on earth that was the direct correlation for massive growth for their family and extracted no financial value.
I'm the opposite of what you think you're weaponizing against me, but you're weaponizing that against me.It's all just logic.You're saying that because what I'm saying in this video is hard.
I'm saying, you stop blaming the government, the school system, your parents, and what about you?You're a grown ass kid now.You're 26.The are you crying about?You don't like it?Put in the work. You've got unlimited people look up to.
You're talking about over five years putting in the work.I'm sitting here saying, man, I'm still working on, I'm not even, I'm not even like, I'm 4.7 is what I scored me.
And I'm, and think about I'm, I'm grading my own homework, which means it's really a 3.2.Like, like, why are you not capable of being accountable?Or like, like we all, like you eventually have to man and woman up no matter how toxic.
When people say to me, well, but my dad, I'm like, bro, there are people who had their uncles abduct them.There are people who watched their parents drive out of the driveway and get hit by a truck and get killed.There are so much extreme.
Like as if your circumstance is the single worst one, we both are very active in a charity that is trying to help 800 million people I'm sorry about that, but I was going for a fact.
Brother, 800 million people on earth did not have access to what I just dumped.You and I spend real time on that.800 million people can't get clean water within a day right now on earth.
and you're telling me your mom hurt your feelings, I get it, that's real, but you're not capable of being accountable and saying, you know what, I'm gonna be the one that fixes it.
I met a man, by the way, I'm recalling now, had drinks the other day, gentleman who said, I was the one that broke the pattern of alcoholism in my family.
My great-grandfather, my grandfather, my father, and I said, no, and everything was there for me to do it.I was on the streets at 13, I started to go down it and I was like, no.So why him?He's not special.I'm not special.You're not special.
What do you think are the two or three things that have been beyond candor, your biggest struggles or the hardest things you've had to overcome?
One is very real right now, which is I am atrocious at smelling the roses. because the whole game for me is smelling the roses.However, I'm sensing like, but what I've enjoyed the memories of the more extreme version of smelling the roses.
Let me explain what I mean.So when I have wins, I don't celebrate them.Like there's no, like in my world, we just landed a $20 million client.It's a lot.It's a big client. And a bunch of the people at Vayner, they've worked at other places.
They're like, so when's the, so when are we doing like the celebration?And I'm like, what are you, I don't, it's like, my brain's like, I don't understand what you're saying.Right?And not that like I'm like some tyrant.
It's almost like just my energy goes to like problems.I'm a, you know,
As I continue to go through my own journey, it'll be very clear that I was, I was blessed with many things as a child, but I was also burdened with some, like I was the oldest from the old country.
I mean, when I tell you since the time I was five years old, I remember being ingrained.Like responsibility, responsibility.Take care of your sister, take care, like my mom, and I admire that from my mom.
Do I also understand like anything if anything's too extreme one or the other between that and then don't forget at 14 I come into my dad's business by the time I'm like 15 and a half when you still used to even use a half It became clear like I was a talent Back to the great Kobe Bryant that you got to do a podcast We're up 20 30 percent, you know this year because you're in there freaking razzle-dazzle So guess what happens now?
I'm 17 and 18 and 19 and I'm feeling the financial burden Right?And now that was so I want to be very careful here.It's not like my father came to me and said, we need to absolutely not.
I did that to myself, but it was hardwired early and my environment's like my responsibility.You know, I think a lot of first generation oldest immigrants that were born in the old country and their siblings were born here.
Actually, that's really cool.Anybody who's watching email me at Gary at Vayner X. If you're this exact person, you're an immigrant yourself.
You immigrated to America, or any first world country, London, anywhere else, and you're the only sibling that was born in the old country, but you have siblings that were born in the new world.I think there's something there.Of course.
There's something there.I felt half parent my whole life.Wow.AJ, who you know well, Minimally, I feel 50% dad 50% really of course he's 11 years younger than me That's true.
You know, so you're 18 and he's 7 and forget about the 11 years like I just told you earlier I felt that way towards my sister who's only three and a half years younger There was just something like you're them and again, I think back this is where I'll say something very important right now I believe
I think we judge our parents too much.Yeah, of course.Like, I don't sit here and say, Mom, like, you know, I think people really dwell too much.I understand my mom lost her mom at five.
And then her dad went to jail for 10 years in the Soviet Union because every entrepreneur did. And so her and her brother were the world.
So she made, I mean, Brat and Sistra, Shana Golova was like propaganda into my head of like my relationship with my sister.
But it's hard when you're eight to think that way, to not think, your parents should be trying to protect you and educate you and elevate you.Yeah, but there is no should.I get it.
You know, you want to have a real moment in this podcast?Everybody, I'm looking at all the cameras right now.There is no should. That's the biggest thing, right?Because then we could say, your parents should do this.
And then I'll tell you the biggest pandemic in the world right now, which is 22 to 30 year olds who are really struggling with standing on their own two feet, because their parents went too far to what you just said.
They took care of them too much, too much.So this purple, by the way, look at these two books.Yes, this is purple for a specific reason.I'm not a Lakers fan.
And meet me in the middle.What I can tell you has become very clear to me.
I believe that the world desperately needs to figure out how to fall in love with purple not red or blue hmm because they both have major valid points and they both have major flaws and the middle especially parenting one of the reasons I started be friends is I
I knew what was happening with GaryVee.You know this, we run enough similar circles.
I've been very blessed that because of where I was, I was then able to be, what my mom and my circumstance in a lot of ways did for me, I've been able to do for a lot of people, right?It feels nice.You get it too.
It feels nice for people to say, hey, you've really helped me.For me, children, You get in that early, it's one thing if I meet you in 2009 in St.Louis and could be a positive deposit.You've been built though.There's a lot of shit there.
You had to do a lot of your work.I had, I couldn't do, I can't do that as an outside motivation or inspiration or perspective.But when you get in early, so for example, in V Friends, There's a character called Accountable Ant.
I'm obsessed with this character.I believe that if I can make that character cool, like Pikachu or Spider-Man, right?That if you're a kid that falls in love with the cartoons I'm gonna put out or the kids books or the video games and you're like,
It kind of gets hard if you're like I with accountable and you're not accountable or at least strive to it or at least even know the existence There's many people watching listening that don't even realize that they live in a full dwelling complaining blaming framework I've had many friends relatives and relationships acquaintances and business partners because I'm my parents too far and
went with no complaining, which meant he put things in, right?But as you can imagine, if you're visceral to complaining, you smell it from a mile away.
And then if you're really visceral to it and you smell it from a mile away, well, you're aware that someone's constantly dwelling and blaming.
And so, to me, what was most fascinating in my 30s and 40s as I've gone through this journey is they don't see it, which led me to the great breakthrough of candor.Lewis, I didn't know when we met that that was my kryptonite.
I thought it was my strength.
How about that?Because you're being honest online and you're being honest on stage, you mean?Nope.
Because I didn't even realize the dichotomy of that.I just thought I was being nice.I was like, look what I'm doing for Sally.Two more years of payroll when she sucks.Look what I'm doing for Ricky.This guy blows.He'll never be okay out there.
There was probably a mix of little ego, like jump on my shoulders, I'll be Superman, which is why I'm using the kryptonite example.But there was also, I thought it was being good.
life's hard lessons, I had to wake up in my mid 40s and go, why is anyone that's ever worked for me not like me? Because you know, you'd read a tweet and be like, Gary, and I'd be like, fuck, how's that possible?I was so nice to Johnny.
I had to really do that work.
Why do you think that people maybe don't like you?
Well, people in the outside world who don't know me don't like me.The reason they wouldn't like it is because either my communication style isn't their jam, which I understand.
Like when you're aggressive and confident and competitive and Jersey and like my schtick. in their mind, like it doesn't work for them.I understand that.Some people are more chill.
Like, you know, like the reason people don't like, I love to live in New York City.Some people come to like, get me the fuck out of here on that.Right.It's too much.That I respect.
Number two, the people that know you or work for you or, yeah, let me finish this.
I think, cause I think this will help people.Cause I, what I'm really trying to do in this is not say it about me.I'm hoping that people can start having a better relationship with people, not liking them that don't know them.
So number two, it's, it's their own They want to be a successful entrepreneur and I'm triggering affirmation of like, they're not there yet.They're like, you'll fuck this guy.Right?
Three, they overly put me on a pedestal and then I do something that they don't agree with and it fucks them up, which is very flattering, but very understanding. But it's all wrapped up in who they are with themselves.
On the version of people that do know me, the only thing, the black and white thing was the inability, it's only the people closest that didn't get the candor that I actually ironically liked the most.
Now what's been nice, you know what got me away with it for a long time? was people's own accountability.Why I was getting away with it in my own mind to my own self was people would hit me up three, four years later with emails like, I'm sorry.
Look, if you're a C player, you're good for me. Because I think you need all kinds.It was D and F. And that was a subjective opinion, whether I'm right or wrong.But as you can imagine, it's not like I'm bad at it.I've been doing it my whole life.
So a lot of those people really were D and F-ing it.And they, through their own work on themselves, actually were able to go back and actually see a lot of the, they were able to see so many of the nice things I was doing.
even though I was sloppy on the candor and on the firing.
I had all the drive for most of my life.I was like, I need to be successful.I'm going to get better in sports.I was willing to put in the work and do whatever it took to win.Right.
And that helped me become accomplished, but it left me feeling insecure, alone, and still not enough inside, no matter how much I had.
how many accomplishments or success or accolades or whatever it might be, or people telling me followers, it didn't make me feel loved.It didn't bring me peace.
If you could only give people three talents that they should work on, focus on, develop, that is going to help them in this, it's going to help them with relationships, health, everything.
You've got a lot of different things with meet me in the middle, and a lot of different characters and archetypes and identities that people can build into three emotional skills that people can master in their 20s, 30s and beyond.
What would those three things be?
I'll tell them in V-Friends forms.For people that don't know, there's 250 plus, I think it's 283 V-Friends, and they're named as alliterations of things I believe in.So this book is Patient Pig and Eager Eagle.
So you can imagine how they can meet in the middle, right?To answer your question directly, I will start first with self-aware hair.Self-awareness. And self-awareness becomes the gateway drug to self-love.
Once you can see it in yourself, like I didn't see the lack of candor.And my superpower is self-awareness.This is why I was so good.I was like, I'm this, but I'm not this.And I'm this, and I'm not this.
And I didn't envy or have jealousy towards that I wasn't 6'3".I wish I was.I wanted to play for the Jets instead of own them one day, right? But it didn't happen.And I wish I could sing, because I want to be a backstreet boy.But that seemed fun.
But I didn't have that.And there was never like, I got really, so self-awareness was really, really strong.And I think it would help a lot of people.It's okay. to be what you are, but do you even know what you are?How do you know what you are?
Do you know that you're tenacious?Do you know that you're competitive?And I think you need to double down on those things, not smooth them out.Or what a lot of people do, over obsess of what you're not. You need to tweak things.
Anyway, so self-awareness.How do you develop more self-awareness?I'll go into that in a minute because I've thought about that a lot.I actually think it's about communication around your inner circle to let them feel safe to tell you the truth. Wow.
It's a wild one.Like, tell me what?Tell me.If you're listening right now.What my strengths are, what my weaknesses are.I'm going to give it to you right now.Because I just can feel the listener on the other side.Hey, everyone, real talk.
If you're like, oh, this is hitting me, I've got a big one for you.Because I said this in my last book, and I've got a lot of reach out on this.
just pick the two or three people, probably your sister, your brother, probably your mom or dad, definitely your best friend, definitely your best friend, and maybe like an epic person you work with, like your favorite boss ever, or current, and literally invite them to a dinner, literally, I'm not joking, and say, this is gonna be a weird, fun dinner, I'll surprise you when we get there, because you don't want them to overthink.
When you get there, you're going to say, you'll never believe this.I was listening to Lewis's podcast, Gary Vee was on.I'm really not joking.This is a very important part of this little thing that I'm telling you.
You're going to say to them, it's unlikely you'll be able to deliver on what I'm about to ask right this second.
But if you're wondering why my best friends here and my boss that none of you have ever met, and my sister and my aunt are here, let me tell you why.I'll bring them all together on one.Yes.Wow.Because what you want to do is suffocate.
It's kind of like posting your weight on the internet.And like, like, you want to suffer.Correct.You're saying, I want to be more self aware.I need all of you to tell me
The full truth all of you are the people I deem that I think love me the most, which means it's going to be hard for you to say, but I'm bringing you all together to say what I need is this and you don't have to do it now because boss you might feel weird saying it in front of my mom the first time you've ever met her.
but I need it ASAP.Tomorrow's fine, one-on-one.And every family- And things will open up as people start going.
Every circle's gonna be different.
Every circle's gonna be different.
This is like almost creating a self-intervention.Correct.Most people aren't willing to do that.
Correct.This is, again, I think three to 11 people listening right now, and I know a lot of people are gonna listen, between both of our platforms, I think only three to 11 people are gonna do this.
And they should send us a message after they do.
It's gonna be amazing.And so that would be how you find self-awareness, because someone's gonna, like, if I had done that,
either my mom who struggles with it as well, my dad who recognizes it, Brandon Warnecke, my best friend who runs Wine Library and Wine Text also struggles with it.So he might have not even been able to say it.
My brother might've been able to come through.My sister now would have been able to see it more than 10 years.But if I had done it, somebody in that circle might've been like, You're too full of, you're too nice.
Somebody might've, if I did, if I did what I'm saying here, which is like, say it, it's okay.
I know you don't believe me and you're even, and I was very, I was a challenge for people always cause I was always providing so much emotional and financial values.I'm a real.
piece of work for most people because it is very common for me to be either and often both the emotional and the financial values in the relationship.They don't want to ruin the relationship.Of course.It's a vulnerability for me.
It's my coping mechanism.I always have the leverage.
You can take care of people.
I just always have the leverage.Those are the two things on earth. Emotional and find it.That's the game.Yeah, and I'm good at both and generous with both Wow, okay, so that's number one self-awareness number two Gratitude gorilla.
I Think if you can learn and this is just killing people on earth You would be flabbergasted what would happen and I've seen it with people around me recently where you just decide right now on this podcast
that instead of waking up in the morning, which so many people do, being all upset, and having all of their perspective and energy towards what's not good, I should be making more money, I don't like my job, this person I just woke up next to is, I don't like him anymore.
Like, all the tough stuff.Instead, deciding to be like, I'm glad I woke up and didn't die last night.Simplicity.
Gratitude comes from simplicity Like it's like, you know back to your point like everyone's like Gary social medias up everybody they think they need this stuff I'm like, do you understand that I grew up watching lifestyles of the rich and famous?
All right, like like do you have you heard of MTV Cribs?
Everybody saw that everyone's showing the over my ride like if you're not
a $400 used car, that felt, this is not a new phenomenon.As if, what, you didn't go to school and one of the kids was the richest kid in school?You didn't have envy that they had a brand new BMW and you had to walk to school?
Get the out of here with envy and jealousy.It's as old as time.So gratitude, what do you have?Again, I said something to somebody who was complaining in my inner circle about three, four years ago,
And they were just like, but you to me and then to other stuff, right?And I finally said, I said, X person, let's bump this dinner.Cause this is not like fun.Instead of telling me like why I have it better.
why, and this is somebody I really know, why this person has it better, why your older brother has it better, this is the real example.I'm like, for the next 20 minutes, while we eat this chicken, can you please tell me?Hand it to us perfectly.
You're gonna like this.I said, can you tell me who you have it better than?
And it was a really interesting moment and I know that person's smiling right now and I'll probably get a text.I think it really had an impact on them because I suffocated it.They're like, oh, I was like, no, no, just appease me.
We're like, we're here.Who do you have a better than? And then he went into like all our common people, which he definitely had it better than.
And then I went into my, and I'm like, okay, and what about everybody who is in Africa right now in concentration and the people in China, like, like, like people, like, what about real
What about somebody who, during this dinner, got diagnosed with terminal cancer, and during this dinner, looked down at their phone real quick and got into a car accident that took their life?
And what about the two 14-year-old twin daughters that lost their mom in that picture I just painted?Since we've been sitting here, I just don't understand how people don't understand what the going on.
Since you and I have been sitting, recording this podcast, of the eight billion people on Earth, Thousands have not only died, correct, but have gotten devastating news.
I worry that a lot of the things that we most worried about, I'll say it, suicide and other things, are not a product of social media.They're a product of us not recognizing things out of whack.
I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness.Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links.
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And now, it's time to go out there and do something great.
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