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What's up, everybody?Welcome back to Couple Things.
Podcast all about couples.
And the things they go through.Today we are doing a red flags, beige flags, green flags episode.
We're gonna be talking about what do those even mean?We're gonna be breaking down different attitudes and behaviors that fall into each of those categories.And then we're gonna be going into stories.
I feel like it's really hard to say this, so like bear with me.But I feel like we're gonna maybe shed some wisdom.
I think maybe.Being eight years into marriage, this is more so for the single dating engaged group.And I feel like now that I'm out of that phase, and we've been doing this for a decent amount of time, I can more easily look back and be like, bruh.
Maybe I thought that was a green flag or a beige flag, but that's a glaring red flag.
I'm gonna push back on you on a couple things.One, I don't think we have any wisdom to share.That's good, that's good.But two, it'll be interesting, and this is in development, so I'll readdress at the end of the episode.
I think it's so contextual and dating is just like this weird thing where, is it like a hard red flag or a green flag?We shall see, we're gonna dive.
Like me texting you in the middle of the night, slightly tipsy, was probably a red flag.
This is what I'm saying, but it's like.
But it could also be a green flag.
Because it's all kind of about that little magic spark.And if it's there, then it could be a green flag.
So you're saying, is this episode worth listening to?
Yeah, let's let's let's see.Let's see.I'm not sure we have all of these stories that we're going to share.Very excited.If this is your first time, I'm still learning how to talk.So going to stumble over some words.
My name is Andrew, and I, I totally outkicked my coverage with Sean.Oh, babe, we've been doing this episode.
You're a catch.This feels cheesy right now.It is.Let's carry on.
Wait, can I say something now?
Sure.We've been doing this podcast for five years.
Crazy.I am not going to lie.Completely forgot what I was going to say.
Welcome to our podcast.All right.We want to tackle this red flags, beige flags, green flags episode because all of these things can be present in a relationship.Maybe you're dating.Maybe you're in a serious relationship.
And maybe this episode is helpful in having you step back and evaluate how the relationship is going, which I think is a good thing to do.Sean and I love reflecting on how we're doing.She loves reflecting on how I'm doing often, but I remembered.
Okay.This is, I'm just reflecting.Okay. I tend to blur your words together.You're talking about how you were just learning to talk.But I have this theory on Andrew.
Every single day and every single night, Andrew listens to podcasts or books in the audio version, but you listen to it at three times speed.
You think it's because I input information so quickly that- That you feel like you have to output information so quickly.This is the first time I've heard this theory.
It is a theory that I've had, I've thought of before.I'm like, I think you're trying to speak in the cadence that you listen to.
No, here's how I speak.I have all, I think I have decent thoughts and I just can't find the words.
Is your brain just moving that fast?
No, I'm not saying I have like a unique brain.I just think my brain works better than my mouth.It's all on relative scale.
Let's start with personal experience.Sure.Okay.Have you, Andrew, ever dated someone with glaring red flags?If so, what were they?
Yeah, definitively yes. I dated a girl at some ambiguous point in my life.I'll leave the details wide open just to- Wide open.Just for the benefit of the girl.Yes.
Who had this ex-boyfriend that was like, it was just like this weird relationship that he was calling me about.Anyway, we went on two dates and I was like, hey, this is a weird situation.I don't, I don't want anything,
Her ex-boyfriend was calling you?
How did he have your number?We knew each other, went to school together.But it was a weird situation, I was like, I'm out.For that reason, I'm out.
You know what's interesting is I don't think I know this story.
You do.We've gone through the whole list.
The whole list.We actually did that and it was kind of fun.If you get to a point in your relationship where you're secure enough to do this, It is interesting.
We have gone down the entire list of each other's exes of any kind, even like asking someone out on a date.We went through that list and showed pictures just out of curiosity.
It was fun.Can I amend my red flag?Because she had a crazy ex doesn't mean that that's a red flag for her.No.The red flag was that she like entertained it and it was like, It was just the way she handled the situation was a red flag.
Have you dated anybody that was a red flag or had red flags?
Absolutely.Absolutely.Um, this was just maybe stylistically like different ways of living life and like interests.But I remember being early on in dating someone who, Um, had a very big interest in like asking me very inappropriate questions.
Really?Like physical stuff?
Just lots of things.And I was just like, you know.
I don't even like asking you that type of stuff.No!Still now.Same. I will say this.
And I was like, that's a red flag for me.It might not be for someone else.But for me, I was like, I think I'm good.I think I'm good here.
As in like, I'm going to exit the situation.
I think that When you're dating, it's really important to be thoughtful and reflective on all these things we're about to list of what makes a red flag, what makes a green flag.
And you need to kind of be more delineating between who you are and what you're looking for and who this prospect is. I think when you're married though, you still need to have an awareness, but the approach is different.
Cause like, I think you're fighting for unity in a marriage in a way that's different than in dating or engagement.Yeah.So like if something's a red flag in marriage, you would say, well, let's see how we can.
Yeah.Like, I don't agree with that.Let's talk about it.
Yeah.And how can we make this better and improve in a dating relationship?It's more of like a, I'm out, you know, or like find a look for a pattern.
Like, is this, I guess there probably are some red flags where you're like, don't like that.But is that like how they are or is that like a mistake?
Yeah, which is also interesting like because we all have red flag Yeah, you know cuz you could you could have someone show up late to a first date and that could be a massive red flag But that could also be like a genuine mistake But even if this mistake is more severe there should be consequences, but Injecting grace and forgiveness
Are there, do you have any, or did you have any early on, or like in the dating world, glaring non-negotiable red flags that you were like, if this happens, I'm out?
Yes, I think the list is very long, to be honest.I don't think I could explicitly state them.I'll try now.And I want to preface all this by saying, I think
When I was going through the dating process, I had a mentor say, the only thing that matters are her love for you, how she treats and relates to your friends and family, and then her love for the Lord and her values.
Everything else is style and style changes.But I think in dating, style can be a signal to all of the previously mentioned things.So like, I think if someone is too, uh, physically forward, that'd be the red flag.Right.
Uh, I think if someone, um, is super isolating both of themselves, like they don't have any friends or of our relationship.And it's like me being in this relationship has cut off community.I think that's a red flag.
I actually still to this day kind of have this rubric for decisions of, If this thing brings me closer to community, whether it's a purchase or a group or whatever, then I'm interested.If it draws me away from community, I'm out.
I think if the curiosity is not there, our family values, Sean and I's, are playfulness, curiosity, generous stewardship, faith, and togetherness.So yeah, those are all rooted in these things I'm saying.
And so if they're too stiff, not curious, I think, you know, there needs to be some overlap of interests, I think.
I feel like you're, I feel like you got a little confused there, midway.
I think you started out with red flags.
And you went into the preferences. I think maybe sometimes we get very caught up in the dating world and engagement world and single world of confusing those two.
Because I think there's preferences where I would prefer to have a tall man versus, or a man who's like, that's what people would say, a tall man right now.Or I would prefer to have a brunette.
Or I would prefer to have someone who is curious or ambitious or whatever. I think those are preferences, not red flags.
Interesting.I'm having a hard time with that because I kind of liked how I phrased it.If someone's not curious at all, I think I'm out.
I think you're out, but I don't think that's a red flag.
Let's just do the extreme version of a not curious person.And it's like, you're absolutely certain about everything.You don't ask any questions.These are all like subtle signals of a red flag of like, yeah, I couldn't.
Wait, now I'm getting confused.Okay, we gotta dive in.
Let's do this, because we actually listed out what is a red flag, okay?
Which it says, a warning sign or indicator of unhealthy behavior that could lead to more serious issues if not addressed.Which I understand curiosity, but like, curiosity to a certain level is a preference, not a red flag.
I'm kind of equating the two.All right, so here are some examples of red flag behavior.Controlling behavior.Yes.
Such as when one partner tries to control different aspects of the other's life, like their decisions, appearances, friends, interactions.We went through some of the worst date stories. And there was definitely some controlling behavior.
Remember the daddy power trip guy?
Who was like, you can't have a Twizzler or buy anything unless you ask me.
There's also lack of trust, which is constant doubt about others' loyalty or honesty or withholding information that's important or lying.So if you haven't seen Nobody Wants This, you should watch it.
But she does a great, there's a great example on the show.
It's a Netflix show, it's a Netflix show.
Where she's like, in any other relationship that I've had in my life, I would have taken your phone and creeped through it.But learning to have that trust and be like, no, I trust you.
Which I think subtly showed up in our relationship early on for sure.And I think a lack of trust can show itself in different subtle ways, like always texting and always needing a response.
I guess we grew up in a generation where we just got phones, right?And it was like the T9 texting.And there used to be constant back and forth. That's like a lack of trust.It can be perceived as a lack of trust.It could be an indication of that.
So that's what I'm saying.There's styles, but they're rooted in something sometimes.The third is disrespect is another red flag.Any form that includes like belittling, name calling, mocking.Interesting.How they treat the other people in their life.
You could see this.Like family members, waiters at a restaurant, the grocery store clerk.
This is probably my number one red flag.
That's interesting to me.
You're not like, uh, super gregarious with weight.I'm not saying you're bad at this.I'm not saying, but I'm saying I'm wonder why it's like that.
I'm not super gregarious with what?
When we go to a restaurant, you're very respectful, but it's not, I'm wondering what your tie is to this that makes it so hot spotty for you.
I make it a point, though, to like make eye contact the second someone walks over and say thank you and like address them.
OK.This is interesting, though, because the style I'm saying I'm reading. Yeah.It can be interpreted differently.What's the line of respect or disrespect, right?Yeah.You do.Just to clarify, you're very respectful to people that you interact with.
It's not like this overwhelming, uh, you know, it's different as opposed to Neil, you know, that, that super extrovert type.
But I think there's a difference between like, I show people respect.People who outwardly disrespect others, for me is a massive red flag.
I have an identity crisis right now.
No, no, no, don't.You're very respectful.Next, over-dependence, you wanna take it?
Over-dependence on you for emotional, financial, or social support can lead to issues.
I think that has to be explicitly stated in the beginning of a relationship though, because I also know certain guys who are looking for women who are overly dependent.
Like don't have a job and want to be nothing but like arm candy to a certain extent.
Wow.Interesting.Jealousy is another red flag.Excessive or irrational jealousy and possessiveness.Uh, I think there's like, There's probably a healthy amount of jealousy.It's used biblically in an interesting way.
I think that can apply to like a marriage relationship, but placing blame on someone for like the way they look at you, it can cross the line, definitely.
The last three are neglect.It's like ignoring each other's needs, unequal effort, one partner consistently putting in more effort than the other, and then abuse, which is like.
I think that's like a black flag.
Like they should go to jail.
Yeah, like a, it's not even up for debate of like, oh, it's like, that's a red flag.No, that's like a, we're done.
Yeah, it's like a red stamp of, oh, yeah.How do you categorize that?It's like, you should go to jail.Yeah.All right, what's a beige flag?It's behaviors or traits that are neither positive or negative.This is super stylistic.
They're neutral, maybe quirky, odd behaviors.Honestly, it's like the middle ground between red and green flags.
I think a beige flag is completely preferential.That's just like, are you gonna read this as like quirky and weird?Are you gonna read this as like green?This is just preference.
Actually, the way someone interprets beige flags and whether they're red flags or green flags is pretty insightful.
If you're going through, this could be an interesting exercise with someone you're dating of like, is this a hard no or a hard yes for you?
Reading through these though, these are like, these are character thing or like what makes someone unique.It says quirky habits like shouting dog when you see a dog.
Using pronouns for inanimate objects like she's so pretty when talking about a car.Which I do.
needing to sleep with a fan on even in the winter.Like these are, these are not red flags.
Right.But if you're someone who's like sleep is a core value of mine and I can't have a fan on in the winter, maybe it's a red flag.
Eating meals they don't like when they could make something else.
Wearing sunglasses in every photo, eating French fries with a fork, interesting.Clothing habits, more broadly, can be beige flags, like wearing clothes that are too big or too small.
Repetitive conversations, talking about the same thing over and over again.Could be boring to some people.The last two, you could take the last two.
predictability when meeting people, asking strangers the same question, always asking someone their birthday when meeting them for the first time, predictable dates, always doing the same exact thing for dates, watching the same movies.
We're getting into a lot of nuances where if this is your list of things that can't happen on a date, all of these, it's like, bro.
Maybe you're the red flag.Maybe you need to look inside yourself.Green flags on the other end of the spectrum are a positive sign that indicates healthy and beneficial behaviors or qualities in a partner or relationship.So some examples might be.
they're very emotionally intelligent and know how to communicate their feelings clearly.
Hypothetically speaking, if someone were to do that.Other things, these are like no brainers.They're validating, they make time for you, they're intentional, appreciate little things, find joy in the simple things.
That's a huge green flag.
Shared values and morals.Celebrating your success has good manners.They're humble, healthy communicators.
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You know, Sean, when I was little, I remember looking at paper maps and having an interest in where every country was located.I want this same curiosity for our kids because it genuinely made me want to learn more about geography.
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I think that's overlooked in our world.I think it's more difficult than you think.
I think a lot of we live in a world of jealousy and comparison where people have a hard time like genuinely celebrating other people's success because they're afraid of someone being better than them or ahead of them or whatever.
I think that is the most amazing green flag if someone's capable of doing it.
Someone honestly that celebrates their own success in a healthy way.I think it's super rare to see someone who celebrates anything.What do you celebrate?You know?So find someone that celebrates stuff.
I'm not talking about like rager parties, but it's like someone who's proud of their work or proud of your work or actually think celebration. in even the smallest form is important.All right, here's the fun part.
We asked you all listening on Instagram to send in some of your personal flags that we could put in the categories of red, beige, or green.And wow, you guys sent in some very interesting ones.
And they got the people who pulled these together, the team, laughing pretty good.
So we're gonna go through them and maybe we can alternate, but we're just gonna say what we personally would think and see if we align.And I would love for you guys to share down below what you think on this.
If it is like a preferential thing, if it actually is clearly defined, what a red versus a green versus a beige flag is.
Okay.The first one, men with long fingernails.
Based off the above definition, it's gotta be a beige flag.How long?
I don't know.I'm just thinking, I'm trying to put myself in this scenario where if I sat down to a date with someone and they sat down and I was like, man, he's got like long nails.I think that would be a red flag for me.
Yeah, I don't disagree with you, but maybe they're really good at playing guitar.
But I also think that's more of an ick than a red flag.
That's what I'm saying.Based off the above definition, it's gotta be a beige.
Remember John Butler Trio?That was one of our first date things.Sean and I went to go see this band.They have long nails.Super long nails, because they play guitar.
And if that's your thing... Yeah, I get it.
All right, next.When someone says they know what it's like to have kids because they have a dog.Because they have a dog.
I would laugh, as we both did, and say, Would that be a red flag on a date?
I'm tilting between beige or green, you know?
I mean, it depends on how they say it.If they're like giving you parenting advice because they have a dog, out of bounds.
But if they're like, dude, my dog is like my fur baby, I respect.
Then it's kind of like a green flag.That's what I'm saying.There's a lot of in between here.What would you say?How you read it?
Me? How I write it would be beige.
Like don't care.How about when their lock screen is a picture of their car?Beige.That's not a red flag.
I'm gonna go green here.Here's why, here's why. Obviously, the first three we've read can go red, beige, or green.
The way I just read that one was like, anybody I know that does that or would do that, have a car as their lock screen picture, it's like a sentimental thing.It's like, this is my dad's truck, and it makes me think of him, or something like that.
Or they worked really hard to get their car, and they got their car, and they're really proud of it, which is actually really great.
Obviously, there's the red flag version, as I think about it, Here's a picture of a Lamborghini that's not mine, but I'm gonna tell you it is, you know.
Yeah.Anyway, all three of these could be, depending on how it's delivered, any of the red, beige, or green.
But like a lock screen in the picture of their car is like kind of sweet.It tells you about a passion of theirs.
Yeah, as long as it's a passion and not like a material thing.
No, it's like a nudie red flag.
A nudie?What, like a bikini in the car?A nudie?
No, throw out the car.It's like a butt picture or something.It's a red flag.
Do you know anybody that has a nudie as their picture?
I'm sure there's someone somewhere who has like a bikini picture as their screen picture.
Wow.Okay.Next, calling a woman babe or hun over text prior to the first date.That's gotta be a red flag.
That comes across disrespectful to me.
It's got like a power play behind it.You know when someone calls you, we used to laugh in the locker room, like if anybody calls you chief or buddy or sport, it's like belittling.You know?
This feels belittling.What about someone who bites their nails constantly?
Not a thing.Not a thing for me.
I don't think it's a red flag.I think it shows like anxiety or like a nervous, Yeah, which isn't a red flag that would be I would just be curious to be like What started this what caused it men who wear flip-flops and joggers in public?
Well, Andrew wears joggers every single day But is it the combination I Got nothing against either of these things I have nothing against joggers.I now have a small thing against flip-flops, because I'm like, I don't think it's professional.
We're old.That's what I just said.
I, here's how my perspective on clothing has changed as I've aged.And it has, cause I used to be, I mean, I still go shirtless a ton.And I used to be like really cavalier about what I wore.And it's like, wear what's comfortable.
I still pretty much do that.But like, I actually think now as we've been adults and are less around our immediate community of family and friends that we've known our whole life,
when I meet a new person for the first time, which happens more as an adult, I want the first, like the first impression matters.And what I wear is a part of that.And so how can I give the most respect?
How can I give that relationship or interaction the best chance at succeeding?That's why clothing matters, I think.
I just have a new thing about sandals.I don't know why.
You used to be flip-flop queen.
Flip-flop queen.I wore flip-flops on... What's... The late night show.
Yeah, Dave Letterman?Yes.You did.
I wore actual, like, havanianas on Dave Letterman.
I can't do it anymore.You were 16 years old, so preface on that.
I can't do it anymore.I have a hard time going to the grocery store with flip-flops on.
You mentioned that you've been trying to put more effort into your style.Why?Why?
Honestly, two different things.So one, we've been going on all these school tours lately, which I have just noticed.And we've had like a lot, a lot more because of the ages of our kids, a lot more like school functions.
And it occurred to me, like I'm a direct reflection of my children. if that makes sense.And my children are a direct reflection of me.And that matters.It matters how I represent my children at school.It truly matters.
And then we started reading this book called The Power of the Praying Wife.And there was just so many prompts and questions of the effort you put outwardly towards your marriage and your self and your self-image matters.
And it can affect a lot of things.Does that make sense?Did I say that fine?
I wanna say one more thing on this, because this is some place where I have drastically changed. I remember talking to Dr. Carl Pilemer, remember the 30 lessons on loving.He also wrote a book called 30 lessons on living.
And there's a story in there where he sits down with this old man who's married for 60 years or whatever.And this guy said, I tried never to, he gave relationship advice.He said, try never to break wind in front of your spouse.
And there was an aspect when we were dating is like, Oh, we're so comfortable with each other.We'll do anything.You know?Um, And so I read that and I was confused.It's like, that seems like a really uptight, stiff relationship.
But now I view that and interpret that as almost being hospitable and I want you to think of me highly.And I think my desire to have you think of me highly really is important to the relationship, you know?
And that also doesn't mean that you can't break wind and look your absolute worst in front of each other because that's why you're married and nothing will ever change that.Like how much I love you.
But there is this sense of like, I wanna try a little harder today for my husband and for myself.
For no reason other than for you.
Yeah, and it feels great.
You've been doing a great job, I'm impressed.You don't need to do that and I hope you know that.
Same to you, baby.Okay, moving on. Someone with incredibly bad grammar.
Dun effect, beige.Beige.Are they trying to get better at speaking clearly?I'm not sure.
Someone who constantly leaves cabinet doors open.
What do you think about this one, Sean?
It's a beige flag, but we could work on it.
Uh, what do you think about it?
No, this is another one where I've changed.I used to think like tidiness.I'm still not tidy, but I used to disregard the cleanliness of home and now I'm like reflecting on my time as a Boy Scout where it's like, leave things better than you found it.
And it's like just the pursuit of excellence, whether it's making your bed, cleaning your room, responding to emails, the work you do, it really does apply everywhere.How you do anything can be how you do everything.
Next, needing constant reassurance and attention.Red flag. giving a condescending, oh boy, every time your kids start acting out.
That is so specific.Beige flag.
I don't like the word condescending.It's a red flag worth addressing.They have kids, let's just assume they're married.
Someone's obviously trying to get our opinion on their spouse.
This seems like a bad attitude vibe.On both, on both.This needs to be addressed.
It needs to be addressed.
I don't think it's good for the kids to have the parent be a pessimist like that.
And since you're adding in the specific word of condescending, there's obviously an interpretation of the oh boy that you are not okay with.So yeah, I'd say reading it, it's a beige flag.Because oh boy, here we go.They're being crazy, whatever.
Totally fine.But in the interpretation of it, This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.This month is all about gratitude, and someone I'm thankful for lately is you, baby.
Thank you for all you do for our family.
Thank you, babe.I'm thankful for you, too.It's always a good reminder this time of year to let the people in your life know that you're thankful for them.
I agree.Another thing I'm thankful for this year is therapy.What a game changer that's been for us.
Therapy really has been really great.I feel like we've both grown this year, and I'm glad we made that a priority.It's no joke having three kids, and I'm grateful for all the wisdom we've gained through therapy.
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It also implies an aspect of helplessness, where it's like, we're not gonna do anything, they're in control, and that's not really how we view things.
Okay, next.Someone who doesn't treat their mom right.
Red flag.If you don't respect your parents, how do you learn to respect a spouse?
Red flag.Obviously, situations can be tough, but I still think the idea of honoring your parents is important.Next, non-family members who offer to babysit your kids.
If you know them, assuming you know them, not just strangers offering to babysit your kids.
Also, I'm thinking of how many times we have offered to friends.If you ever need a break, we're happy to come over.
Are you green flagging ourselves?
Are you trying to wave your green flag right now in front of people?
Yeah, I'm waving my green flag.
Someone who leaves trash on the counter instead of putting it right in the trash can or putting dirty clothes on the floor next to the hamper.
Did you write this?Did you submit one?Why did you submit to your own Instagram?This is me.I'd put the paper towel, because I will reuse it, put it right there by the trash can.And then I think I've done a way better job with the clothes.
I didn't submit this, by the way.Beige flags.
Sending food back at a restaurant.
Red flag.I could never.I could never.
This is actually, I think, one area that I want to sort through a little bit.Because there's a principle of it.For sure.This is a red flag.It is a red flag.As I'm reading it. The idea of constructive feedback, I think is important.
And there is a time and a place.Usually at a restaurant, it's not gonna be the time or a place.
If you accidentally got the completely wrong food, or it's not cooked, for sure there are reasons to send food back.But there's a finger in your meal?Is that what you just said?
I'm saying if there's something crazy,
But I will say to a certain extent, when you are in a venue where you are being served, something has to be drastically wrong for me to say, I don't agree with your service.Take this back.
There's probably other steps you could take too.Like, hey, sir, I ordered a medium well steak and this is raw.Just open a conversation.
I think this is hard for us because we have also witnessed firsthand people be very disrespectful in a restaurant setting where they're like sending food back.
And instead of having that conversation in a very kind and nice way, it's in a very demanding way.And I think the approach is very important.
You know what's interesting, I think if the goal is, the gripe is because you didn't serve me right, that's when it really rubs me wrong.
If the goal of whatever feedback you give is, I love this place and I wanna see it succeed, that's a totally different vibe.
Here's a red flag, I'm gonna add one.
Entitlement because of payment, I don't know how to say that, I know a lot of people, and I've been around people before, who are like, well, I paid for this meal.So you gotta treat me a certain way.
You are actually in service to me because I'm paying.And I completely disagree with that.
And so I think that falls to me under this whole sending food back at a restaurant because I bought this.I'm entitled to get exactly what I want, which I'm like, you know?
Is there a time and a place, though, that you feel like, hey, I am, no, never mind, never mind.Laughs out loud, really loudly, at things like movies, books, and jokes.
You can find joy. Flapping on the plane.Green.You are, you're celebrating life.
Let's do it, man.I do love that, yeah.But if you get up and you are the person that- Sit your butt down.That tries to grab your bag and run off the plane.
Or people who stand like right next to the carousel, the baggage carousel.
That to me is way more mellow than the people rushing off the plane.
No, people who do it like 20 minutes before the baggage carousel even starts, and they're like... That's a thing for you?Right here.Oh, it drives me mad.
Interesting.People getting off the plane is way worse to me.
But I figure it's like the same thing, because if the bags haven't even started yet, and the bags start coming, and they're just standing there like locking, making a fence... You like patience.
Patience.Back your butt up.When you see your bag, go grab it.
Next, someone with loud bodily noises, chewing, burping, farting, et cetera.
Red flag if you're not trying to, you know.
Burping and farting I categorize differently than chewing.Chewing is stylistic.It's almost like cultural.
It's cultural.So if it fits the culture, fine.
Because there's some people that just chew differently, you know.
Yeah, and there's some cultures that like value slurping or Yeah, like what is that?
You're supposed to do like that.
Yeah But like if you're burping and farting in public just ripping them red flag Yeah, it's tough to navigate if you're just out there ripping them left and right, you know, I
All right, someone who makes comments about your meal like, usually you don't eat that much, or wow, that's a lot.And they're a bad tipper.
Wait, are they just throwing that in there?Someone who makes comments about your meal, like you don't usually eat that much, or wow, that's a lot.As it's being read, red flag.
Yeah, I agree.Yeah.Someone, a bad tipper?
Yeah, but here's the thing.I don't know what the right contact, obviously at a restaurant, you tip.There's certain things, like where were we last night?Sean and I went curling for the first time.It was a blast.
We went on a double date and we literally did the ice curling.Sean was really good at it.
With the purchase of a one hour lesson, They're like, you have an option to tip the guy you're getting a lesson from.
And in my head- Did it have the option?Well, it was a mandatory instructor for safety rules.
Mandatory, so you couldn't be on the ice without them, but then the option to tip.And in my head, I'm like, you're the servant, like what you're buying would include that, right?
Because it wasn't our option.Anyway, I feel like- It's all confusing now.Yeah, there needs to be some guidebook for like... Because I don't look quite tipping with respecting somebody, you know?
And I don't think it should be expected all the time.I think in the food and beverage industry, it kind of should be.
It's definitely gotten out of hand in the United States because There also used to be this unspoken rule of if you owned your own company, say you commissioned pieces, like art pieces, if it was your own company, you wouldn't tip that person.
But now people are like, do you wanna add a tip?It's like, well.
Anyway, so a bad tipper, it's almost in the eye of the beholder.Lastly, a man that uses a high-pitched voice when talking to a baby.
Cause they're into it.Yeah.Yeah.Um, okay.More broadly, Sean, why is it important to look at someone's patterns of behavior before committing your life to them?It was obvious when asked.
Because the first thing that came to mind is I feel like there is this culture amongst probably more women than men before marriage of like, oh, he'll change or I'll change him or like we'll fix that or we'll work on that or whatever.
And I think you really need to take into consideration patterns and behaviors because who you marry is who you marry and you should be perfectly okay with that for the rest of your life.
You shouldn't be marrying someone because of what they're potentially going to become.
But there is change that happens.
You shouldn't bank on it though.
No, because I married, like, you should be marrying a person for who they are today, understanding that they're going to change, but you don't know how.
and understanding they're going to change for better and for worse many times throughout a lifetime.
So if you're only marrying a person because you think there's going to be a better version of them later on, then you're not taking into consideration your own flags.You're gonna have to deal with red flags in your marriage at some point.
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Beige flags.We've never had red flags.
I mean, obviously it's like these patterns of behavior you'll be the recipient of if you're in a relationship with them, as will your siblings, your friends, your mom or parents when they're on their last breath.
You know, it's like that stuff matters.I think you're trying to avoid resentment and trying to, um, It's I think about, I wrote a paper on how behaviors affect your attitude and attitude affects your belief.And so like in marriage.
how you are tidy affects your attitude about your home, your excitement to go back home, and then the belief that you have about, hey, this home is worth coming back to, my marriage is worth fighting for.
They're all kind of intertwined, and behavior's almost a fruit of your beliefs.
I will say another thought I had, too, is outside of the black flag, right? the ex of like abuse.I had a conversation with one of our friends who is just desperate to find a wife.
And he was telling me, he's like, these are my red flags, non-negotiables.If this ever gets brought up, I'm done.And it was like political views or certain beliefs on like things, not religion, just like beliefs on things.
And I told him, I was like, you know what, it's actually, like, I understand those are maybe topics of conversation that might raise a little red flag, but if you're not curious as to why, like, curious enough
to truly understand the depth of why they believe that or why they think that or why they might have that stance, you are giving up the opportunity to truly know someone.
Because what if their why has to come from, like comes from trauma or comes from
Something that would make such clear sense and I think when you're thinking of like the red beige and green flags You need to zoom out and say what is the overall picture of this person because every single person you're ever going to meet Including your husband or wife someday is going to have flaws but
I think it's more important to truly be curious, to understand why he has long nails.
I think this is why it's so important to have a good group of friends or family around you to help sort this out on a live day-to-day basis.
One of the red flags that came to mind was, does this prospect I'm looking at when I was dating have a good group of friends herself?And if she doesn't, then there'll be no balance or it lends itself to her being a yes man or
not having a well-rounded perspective.Cause I do think to your point, like sometimes something that can feel like a red flag, you take it home to your friends, you go on a date and they're like, no, dude, you're out of line.You know?
We just sat down with Dr. Henry Cloud, who wrote a book called Boundaries, sold 20 million copies, and this came up where it's like, what if boundaries have a showdown?
And there's almost like falsely constructed boundaries too, where it's like, oh, I just can't deal with that. There's certain things where that's true.
There's certain things where it's like, no, this is actually good for you to learn how to deal with.You need to wake up early.And if you're just saying that's a boundary for me, you're in the wrong.
And I'm obviously talking about things that can be more serious than sleep, but yeah, it's fascinating.Having a good group of friends to help balance you out and sort these out can help.Did we just do a whole episode on etiquette
I think, I don't know.I'm confused about flags now.
We're old.This is all like etiquette, like go to cotillion.Tuck your shirt in.
Yeah.Shake someone's hand.Guys stand on the side closest to the street of a woman.
Wow.I did enjoy this episode though.
Me too.I am.Yeah.I want to go on a first date with you again.
We're probably on date 1,000, and I love it.Keeps getting better.
I love you too.Thanks for listening.
Thanks for listening.We're married.See you later.
If you made it this far and you haven't, please subscribe to the show.Give it a rating.We appreciate it.Hope you have a wonderful rest of your day, and let us know your feedback in the comments on red, beige, and green flags.Talk to you later.
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