Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.
If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com.Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com.If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.
And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Give it up for Tony and Skrillex!
Las Vegas, who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? What the fuck is up, Las Vegas, Nevada?Make some noise for Brian Redman, ladies and gentlemen.Hey!Oh my goodness.How fucking exciting is this?We are here.Wow.
Energy here in beautiful Resorts World Theater in Las Vegas, Nevada is palpable.Very, very beautiful place.Supposedly one of the newest theaters here in Vegas.How many of you live in Nevada?Wow.
So you guys get to see some real shit live in the flesh tonight.Let's just jump right in.How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? We get to see them live on this one.That is indeed the great Groovline Horns.
Make some noise for Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo.That is Michael Gonzalez on the drums.The great Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. John D's on the keys.And that's D Madness, ladies and gentlemen.
His first time playing here in Las Vegas, Nevada.At least that's where he thinks he is.We have a very fun show planned for you.Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.
Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Two guests tonight, a two guest show.Introducing your first guest, a man who is one of my favorite comedians of all time.One of my favorite comedic actors of all time.
Many, many saying that this is the front runner for the 2024 guest of the year.Las Vegas, I'd like to introduce you to the great and powerful Harlan Williams. Fully recovered from Lyme disease.He's back.Yeah.Actually, go to that one.Go to that one.
Yeah.Harlan Williams, ladies and gentlemen.Wow.
Wow, I got to tell you, gang, this is a, this is a, well, We almost lost him to Lyme disease.This is a tough night.As you know, Tony, and most of you who follow me on the inter-Google, 17 years ago today, my father passed away.
And he was killed by rabies. He was attacked by a rabies skunk.We're farm folk.
And as you know, one day, you can read it on the inter-Google, my dad was out in the cobs and we heard some rustling around and the old man was bit by a rabies skunk and passed away.
So this is a big night for me and I want to thank you for having me here.
Dad, I hope you're in the big niblet in the sky.I feel like he's looking over us right now.I can smell the rabies skunk beaming off of him.Yep, that's a sign right there.That was him.Yeah.
Harland is joining us all night long with one other guest, and I'm going to bring out that guest right now.While sitting here with who many claim will be the 2024 Guest of the Year, joining us on this panel is Kill Tony Hall of Famer,
a Golden Ticket winner, and the 2023 Guest of the Year.Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the one and only Dr. Phil!Oh, shit!
Oh, boy!Oh, God!Oh, he is already...
No one does it quite like them, folks.
Vegas, make some fucking noise if you're excited to be alive tonight.Jiggle those titties and get those hands in the air.
Some dudes pulled out their tits on that one.
Jiggled them tits.Tony, good to be here.Hell yeah.Red Band, good to see you.The man.
Well, I want to say something real quick.There's a special time, Vegas, Kill Tony in Vegas.Give it up for that.That's a big fucking deal.Never thought we'd get here, but you did it. But it's kind of a big day for me.
About 10 years ago, a woman that my dad was fucking died from rabies.And I want to take a moment of silence for that twat. Okay, that's good.Thanks for having me, Tony.
Well, luckily, you're two of the best guests in the show's history, so you know exactly how it works.Over 300 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to perhaps get pulled out of this bucket.It's absolutely thick chaos filled to the brim.
No doubt about it.If I pull their name out, we're gonna meet them all together.They get 60 seconds uninterrupted.You know their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten.
That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry Fremont Street bear.Ooh, a big hug for Fremont Street.Wow, some old school Vegas people here.Some real fucking white trash in the house.
Some real fucking desert monkeys, you know what I'm saying?Some real fucking sand snails out here.Some real fucking cactus c***s, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, all right.
Saw a couple of Asian Jews in the crowd too, Tony.
Yeah, there's those too, but I call them cactus.While we go wrangle that first bucket pool of the night, let's get it started with perhaps what many say is one of the greatest regulars and comedians in the history of the show.
I can think of no better way to start a show like this than with a young man who, you know, a place like Las Vegas, a swing state, I think represents very well the greatness that is the United States of America.
And this first comedian is on a mission to become an American citizen. Truly one of the fastest rising stars in all of stand up comedy.This is a brand new minute from the Estonian assassin Ari Matti.
Thank you.You know what I did recently?I had sex with my ex.Woo!Highly recommended.That shit is the best.We went back to her place.I saw her pussy like an old friend.There he is. Isn't it the best when you fuck an ex?Because you know that pussy.
You know all the buttons.It's like playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 again.Because that's the worst when you start dating somebody new.You get that new pussy.You're like, what the fuck?It's like new pussies like switching to Android.
You're like, why is it green?Because that's the worst when you start dating somebody new.Guys don't have that.That's why dick is the best.Like, overall.Because it's universal.Dick is like a USB-C.I don't need to, you know.
Every guy here I could fucking... I don't need to know you.I don't need to put Phil Collins on for atmosphere.Dude, if they lock the doors in the back and they're like, okay Ari, the only way we get out is we need a bucket of gum.
We're all out before midnight. But if they tell me the only way we get out is I need to make three women here come, we're all gonna starve to death.Thank you very much, Las Vegas.Thank you.
He's done it again.Ari Matti.Thank you.Coming out with pure swagger.I do believe, I mean, that has to be a new suit.That is unbelievable.
I just got it today.It was $1,000.I am financially in ruins.
You look fucking fantastic.Thank you.It is incredible.You've done it again.Have you been to Vegas before?
The first time in Las Vegas. Let's get married.Harlan Williams.
Tony, I feel like a complete idiot.About half an hour ago, I let this guy valet my car.
It smelled like pussy juice, I gotta tell you.
All right, Matty, what have you done in Las Vegas so far?
I went to Ross Andress, and it's an amazing store.Holy shit.Don't even steal, dude.
It's $2 for everything, dude.I've never heard anybody call it the entire name of the store.Yes.It's usually just Ross, but I didn't... Ross Andress, right?Ross Andress.
For a second, I thought you were naming a friend's character and another guest star. What did you buy?
I bought like a golden shirt, some shorts.Wow.That's a blazing on that.Hell yeah.I bought some jeans, some women's lingerie.I mean, it's for free, so might as well.
Where would you wear a golden shirt?
Backstage, where the bitches are at.
Good answer. Fuck yeah, Ari.Fuck yes.Oh, go ahead, Tony.
Well, you mentioned a green pussy that you ate.Yes.
Who was it?It was my ex.Who was your ex?My sweet angel.Estonian?Yes, I miss her very much, but I need to get a passport, so. It was very sad.
Thanks for bringing it up.Well, green pussy in America feels like a red flag.You know what I'm saying?So maybe you're dodging a bullet.
Red, white, and blue.Yes, America.That's the correct answer.Be sure to answer it that way on your exam for citizenship. That's the sound.When you hear that sound, you know you're that much closer.
I've never gambled.I've never even tried to put money on something.I'm very excited to lose all of it.OK.I've heard of this expression, beginner's luck.
I might win a million dollars tonight.
What game are you thinking about playing?
It was the guys were talking in the back.It's Baccarat. It is the famous game of poker.And then I want to pull a lever to win some coins.
I love it.You're in for some dis- I don't think coins have come out of a slot machine in 30 years.I have Apple Pay too.
There's also a fun way to gamble.You get into an Uber pool, okay?You take your dick out and you see if you get arrested or not. Don't try it.Unless you're feeling lucky.
If someone came up to you in the casino and said, I'll give you a million bucks if you'll sleep with me tonight, would you do it, my guy?
Who is this person asking me?Robert Redford.Don't know who that is.I will do it.
You're going to need to know for your citizenship test.
Okay.How about this?It's the owner of Ross and Dress.Ross?It's Mr. Ross himself?Yeah.
I love it.I will put on a dress for Ross.
Ari, Matty, I cannot possibly think of a better way to get this show started.Thank you so much, everybody.With a fucking bang.Ari, Matty. And here we go.We shall begin the process of our first bucket pull of the night.
Now, how many of you are fans of the show?Well, you may have brought a plus one or a date with you tonight that might not know, but this is the part where things get crazy.Ari makes it look easy.Our regulars make it look easy.
Our golden ticket winners make it look easy.But it is not easy at all.Thank you so much. Make some noise for the great Valerie Vaughn and Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.With us all night.That's the real deal.
Some incels that can't even look directly at them.I love it.I love to see our fucking nerdy fans that are just used to sitting back on YouTube.I don't want to get an erection while next to people at a show. Anyway, so the chicken hit the fan.
It could also be the next great talent.We found all of our stars out of this bucket.It could be a completely insane person.Anything can happen.Your first bucket pull of the night.Bucket pull number one goes by the name of Corey Grumpy Johnson.
It's a good name.Let's see what happens.Corey Grumpy Johnson.Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Corey, everyone.
2024, crazy year, crazy year.OJ Simpson and Nicole are back together again.Didn't see that one coming.I really didn't see that one coming at all.Recently, I went to five and below.
And I was a little confused because I almost bought, excuse me, I almost spent $27, but I only tried to buy three things.Now, I'm half white, so a part of me just wanted to go straight Karen.
But then I realized I'm half black, so I just stole the shit.Fuck five and below. Is it me or should more gay men be winning these hot dog eating contests?I just feel like they practice more.Thank you.
Wow, Corey Grumpy Johnson, a great comedy name.I saw the shirt first.You are now witnessing greatness and my expectations hit the ground for you.Unbelievable.Nicole Brown Simpson reunited.You think she went to hell?
Yes, yes, she went to hell.Apparently she was a piece of shit too, Tony.
Whoa!I've never seen anyone take O.J.'s side in the argument before.Holy shit.
Dr. Phil.Well, I followed O.J.on Twitter up until he passed.And I agree with you on that.You know, he was entertaining post-murder, you know?He'd always be in a Costco parking lot being like, what's up, Twitter world?
You ever notice how co- What the fuck was that, Redman? That was Speedy Gonzalez from the Looney Tunes.That was OJ Simpson getting some potato salad at a Costco.Anyway, what did Nicole do that made you go, fuck this bitch?
Well, word on the street is she was a... What street?Fremont Street.
Well played.I set you up for that.It is literally this somehow, somehow this is the Fremont Street section.How did they, I guess if you bought your tickets in that like Wi-Fi zone, you got that section.
None of these people reacting to Fremont Street.
Yeah, this is Fremont Street.This is Sesame Street over here.Just Cookie Monsters and Elmo dolls. Couple strippers.Okay, so Nicole did what?
Apparently, Nicole was a whore, man.She was a whore.Is this real?You've heard this?
No, no.Oh, okay, great.It's a joke.Which word on the street, Tony?It's just a joke, satire.I feel like Corey's on the street a lot, so he might have the ears down to the ground.Corey, how long you been trying stand-up comedy?
I've been doing it a little over a year now.All of it here in Vegas?You live here?
No, I'm from Phoenix. You made the trip here.Shout out to Phoenix!There you go.Did you make the trip here for this?Yeah, we drove up.I actually, I took off today for work.Me and my girlfriend, shout out to Angela, I love you.
We drove up here and we're actually turning around and driving back.I got work in the morning, so.
Special shout out for Angela after defending domestic abusers for half your time up here. That's called a love bomb, what you just saw, everybody.That's one of the positive moments of their relationship.
What do you do for work?I'm a cook.Oh yeah?
I cook at a bar, so just bar food.
You have a deep fryer?I do.You have a microwave?
I have four deep fryers, a flat top, a microwave.That's pretty much it.
Wow, hell yeah.You have a microwave?I do.So you're a chef?
Some may call it that.You didn't know that's all you needed, huh Harlan?
That's it.I guess I'm a fucking chef too. I noticed you have a neck tattoo, my guy.You don't see a lot of chefs.Like, Chef Boyardee doesn't have a neck tattoo of lasagna, you know what I mean?
He should've.Well, I've been to prison, so, you know, that explains the neck tattoo.
Okay, well, that would explain the microwave, yeah.
What have you been to prison for, and how many times did Angela call the cops before they showed up?
Did you get the feeling he was OJ's cellmate and OJ told him to say this shit?Yeah.
What'd you go to prison for?Tell the truth.
When I was a kid, man, I was running around, I was a wild dude.And from 15 to 31, I've been in and out of jail.
Oh, that's a large window there.When I was a kid, I was pretty wild.15 to 31.
That's like going into a shirt store and being like, do you have a men's small or a dinosaur triple X? It's for a friend.
Jesus Christ, that's a huge timeline player.I didn't do that, I didn't go straight through, I just, I was in and out a lot, and a lot of stuff.Okay, let's talk about it, let it rattle off.
How many of you want to hear some of this guy's fucking rap sheet?You beat somebody to death with a microwave at 15, am I correct?No, no, no.Okay.
Burglary, stealing cars, a lot of, I was a knucklehead, doing a lot of dumb shit, so.But I, you know, I turned my life around, so.And comedy- How did you turn it around?
I turned it around, Arizona help.
I'm from Philly originally, so when I got out of the environment- If you turn your life around in Arizona, that's fucking amazing.
Yeah, I moved out there and, you know, just changed my life.I started doing things differently.Put a lot of the drugs and alcohol and stuff down.I still drink a little bit, but put the drugs and stuff down.What kind of drugs were you doing?
Coke, heroin, a lot of heavy shit.Wow.
Heroin.What's the best... Now, I've always wanted to try heroin.You know, I'd say four days... No, you don't.
Well, don't tell me how to live my fucking life, but... Four days a week I wake up asking myself, you know, could I get a neck tattoo and be a chef?Maybe heroin's the only thing standing in my way.What's the best part about heroin?
The escape, the feeling.You know, at first it's awesome and then it's really not.
Ah, wherever you want to go.It'll take you to the moon if that's where you want to go.
Well, fuck you.Who doesn't want to go to the moon?I thought you had to take a space shuttle, but I could just inject myself with some juice.
Probably.It might take you to the grave, too.You got to be careful with that stuff.
Whoa.Got dark real quick.
Yeah, Jesus Christ.He's like, yeah, you could go to the moon for 15 to 31 years.Sorry, had to get that in.
Corey, fun times, congratulations.I'm gonna give you a medium-sized joke book.Nice catch, there you go.Great catch, especially for a heroin addict.Incredible reflexes, usually they lose that.Okay, we're gonna keep it moving along.
Between every bucket pool, I have a special treat for you guys throughout the night.Does that sound cool?Sounds like a pretty fucking amped up awesome show to me, doesn't it?
Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian doing a brand new minute is the, basically the most recent golden ticket winner in the show's history.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a return, I mean, this kid is like a fucking throwback to a different era, just as fucking silly, jewy as it gets.Young Larry David, young Woody Allen vibes, wackadoodle, he's like if you put a fucking
a holocaust victim in a microwave and just fucking radioed him up.I'd like to introduce you to the next minute by the great Jack Shaw, everybody.Here he is.One of the young rising stars of the show.A brand new minute from him.
Uh-oh, here he is, look out.Oh boy, uh-oh.Make some noise for Jack Shaw.
I don't know about you guys, but I love to play with my penis.There's so many things you can do with it.You can talk out of a little hole.You can go, me, me, me, me, me.You can do that.You can, oh, you can put your glasses on it.
You can make the man with the big nose.You guys know that guy? But my favorite thing to do, above all, is to beat it till it cries.Who's with me, Las Vegas?It makes people so uncomfortable when I talk about masturbating at the dinner table.
I don't know why.It's such a lovely experience, but I realize I never smile when I do it.Does... Does anyone do that? No, it's this thing I love to do, but it seems to make me angry.Do you guys know what I'm talking about?
Think about it the next time you're masturbating.Think about me.Think about it.You're not going to be like... No, you're going to be like... I think the reason that I don't, that I get so angry is because I don't like what my penis looks like.
It looks a little bit like Mitch McConnell, a little bit.And I've never sent a dick pic.And you know why?Because I've never once looked at my penis and thought, you know what?Someone else needs to see this.Thank you all so much.I'm Jack Shaw.
Jack Shaw, talking about his penis for a minute, 20 seconds straight. Unbelievable.
Can I just get clarity?Yeah.What was the noise you did at the beat?Your penis goes, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
Oh, it's more, no, no, no.It's more of a, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep.
You know that's the exact same sound a horn on a Walmart electric fucking wheelchair makes, right?
No, I did not.I did not know that.
Well, the next time you're masturbating in Walmart, you'll find out.
Is that where you do it?Is that where you like to do it?No.In a Walmart?
I don't think I like your fucking attitude right now, Jack, if I'm being perfectly honest.
I'm looking for partners, dude.I'm looking for friends.
Okay, okay.We'll just say that then.
Okay, yes.Thank you.Do it at Target.You have something to aim for.
Jack, how come you can't send the right dick pic?Because lighting is a big part of it, but also location and who you send it to.
I don't really like... I've never sent one.I don't really like the way it looks.
Well, you got to believe in yourself.
Oh, sure.Well, if I believe too hard, I shoot for the moon.
Well, I can get you some heroin from Cory.
You, uh, you, uh, you know, circumcised or uncircumcised guy?
Oh, big circumcised.I have a lot of circumcision.
Like you still got skin on the back of your neck type of thing?
Extremely circumcised.Very, very Jewish.You said that sometimes you put glasses on it and it looks like a man with a big nose.Are you talking about your father?
Do you ever do any special tricks, uh, Jewy tricks?Like you ever take a condom and just sit it on the back base like a yarmulke?I reuse them.Oh, wow. Very thrifty.Thrifty and shifty.Jack Shaw, ladies and gentlemen.What else is going on?
How do you feel about being in Las Vegas, Nevada?
Oh my God, dude.It's so cool, man.I love it.I definitely have a gambling problem.For sure.Tell us about it.Well, I keep losing.I keep losing at it.I love blackjack.I love that game.Okay.
I thought that was a guy that you knew.Yeah.
That's what my friends tell me to dress up as in Halloween.Oh, shit.
Fun, fun, fun.And you're still living in Los Angeles, correct?
Yes, I am, but I'm planning to go to Austin.
You're planning on going to Austin or moving to Austin?
There you go.That's a whole different thing.Look at you.That's amazing.Unbelievable.
I love it how he talked about his dad.If I could just reflect on a sentimental moment, I'll never forget my dear father who passed away from rabies.
He used to, when I was a boy, when I was nine years old, he used to take me behind Kentucky Fried Chicken and put coleslaw all over my head and throw me in the dumpster and tell me I was a sea monster.Well, if you're gonna laugh, fuck off.
That's it.My dad died of rabies.What else do you want?If you could look away, your face is really fucking me up.
I feel like his face is going to orgasm on me any second.Like, just turn it over that way, squirty.
He's a wild boy.He's a wild boy.Jack, are your parents proud of you?
I'll say his full name, Jack Off.
Jack, yes.Jack, are your parents proud of you?
They are, well, yeah, I think so.I think so.They wish I wouldn't talk about masturbating so much, but they do it.
Why, because they hear you do it?
Do you live with them still?
Fuck.Wow. So they hear all your little... Can I take a gander at what you sound like when you're having an orgasm?Of course, yeah.
Actually, I'm gonna give you guys three options and you will play a little game called, Hey, which one of these is Jack's cum noise?Red band, hit me with some theme music.Here we go.Or actually, band, hit me.Here it is.Oh.
That's fucking perfect, red band.Holy shit.All right, here we go.First noise.Harlan, you can do the second one.
Sorry!Okay, that's the first option.Harlan, what's the second one?
Second one goes something like this.
What's the third option?And the third option is, well, Jack, why don't you give us an option?
Yeah, sure.It's more than, ow, ow!
Wow.Ow, but you're doing it to yourself.
Well, I go hard in the paint, Dr. Phil.
Wow.Yeah, you do.Fucking Hakeem Olajuwon over here.
You get the feeling he has cat litter gravel in his Vaseline?
I don't know.I don't know what that means.
Okay, audience, which one do we think it was?Option number one, option number two, or option number three?
A lot of people, surprisingly, saying two on this one.
A lot of people saying two, holy shit.
Use the force, Luke.Jack, which one is it?
Wow, unbelievable.There he goes, Jack Shaw.Jack, you're done.Thank you, Jack.Absolutely, there he goes.Jack Shaw.Jack, put that mic stand back up there.One more time for Jack, everybody.
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Make some noise for Izzy Hall, everybody.We're going to meet them all together.Izzy Hall, a whole new crop of people out here. in the desert of Western America.This is Las Vegas, Nevada, and your next bucket full is Izzy Hall.Here he is.
Make some noise for Izzy, everybody.
So I'm not homophobic, but I just hate that those bastards have kind of reclaimed the rainbow.I used to love the rainbow. That shit's gay now.I recently found out that the G-spot's in the asshole.Like, what's up with that?
Like, because I believe in God, but I don't understand why an omniscient creator would put a come really hard button right up in my asshole and expect me not to go searching.And if I do, I go to hell.
And they give him like a really cute name, like Sodomy or whatever. Recently I've tried to figure out like, who is going to be coming first?Is it the top or the bottom?So I'm watching a lot of gay porn, like trying to figure it out.
And then unfortunately just, it's me.Thank you guys.
56 seconds from Izzy Hall.
Hey, Tony.How are you?I'm doing really well, actually.I love it.I love it.Welcome.How long you been doing stand-up?This is my first time.Wow.Look at that.Incredible.How old are you, Izzy?I'm 24.Wow.Yes, sir.Look at you.
First time, and you are the captain now.Incredible.
I gotta tell you. All right, Tony.
I'm on the same page with this guy, man.
I'm on the same page with you about the rainbow, dude.Like, remember, the rainbow used to be, you saw a beautiful rainbow.You go over the other side, there's a leprechaun and marshmallows and unicorns.
Now you go over the rainbow and there's four guys in a hot tub at a Motel 6 in Bakersfield. Not cool, not cool, bro.
Usually I thought they would find you at the end of the rainbow, to be fair.What the fuck is that supposed to mean?He looks like the replicant at the end of the rainbow is where I was trying to get.
Did you call me a Jew at the end of the rainbow?Is that what you said? What'd he say?What'd he say to you?
He thinks you're the world's largest leprechaun.He's clearly never seen a white person before.No.He's just eaten Lucky Charms in Ethiopia or wherever you're from.Where are you from?You remind me of Somali that I used to know.
You're correct, it's Ethiopia.It's all the same shit, to be honest.I nailed it, you're Ethiopian?Yes, yes, yes, Tony.
Absolutely.I fucking love that song.Why'd you stop it? Wait, where is Ethiopia on a map?
It's on the east side.It's called the Horn of Africa.
Second favorite song on that album.
Wow, Izzy, easily offended it seems.
No, no, I think it's fun.
What was that weird fake laugh you just did?
No, you're a thoughtful guy.You went from the butthole's the G-spot to I believe in God in about three seconds.
No, because everything's like created for a reason.You know, that's what I like.And so would the G-spot, I guess, and the guy's ass.
But you can't go there.Did you hear that from a friend or is that a fact you found out on your own? Because facts are always fun to find.And I talk about that in my book.
But I want to know, when you learn stuff, do you do it from hearsay or from your own discoveries?
Well, it's like I can't find out, right?It's like there's a rule that I can't go explore.So I just have to, like, take word of mouth.Do it, somebody yells.
What's the craziest thing you've ever had up your ass?Good question, Tony.
Like, I'm afraid my mom's gonna watch this.Yeah.Well... Too soon.
She's the one that named you Izzy.
Yeah.It's short for Isaiah.
It's a Q-tip.The answer is a Q-tip.
Wow, the rapper Q-tip.Absolutely incredible that you've been to P. Diddy's house and...
I've never been there before.
You ever put a coconut up there?Coconut!Coconut!Coconut!Coconut!Coconut!Pie!Coconut!Coconut!Coconut!Pie!
What the fuck just happened?Holy shit.Looks like we Ethiopian-ed up a wormhole here. Izzy, what do you think's the most Ethiopian thing about you?Do you ever just stop eating?
Do you ever just starve yourself, because it's like it runs through your blood?
I think the most Ethiopian thing about me is my forehead.It's a really defining thing.I don't eat a lot, but that's by choice.
Didn't I see you on one of those Sarah McLachlan commercials?
Yeah.I mean, that's how I'm here.I was sponsored.In the arms of a Q-tip.
You're funny, dude.You're rolling with the punches tonight.You just fake grabbed at a fly.That was funny.
Yeah, I don't understand that.I see those commercials.You guys think that we can't swat flies?It is aggressive.I don't know.Yeah, I could swat flies.Are you good at swatting flies?
We have a bag of flies.We were expecting an Ethiopian bucket pull.
Okay, I was lying about being able to swat flies.Oh, look out.
Look out.Dude, I am this close to sending you 50 cents a month, I gotta tell you.
I'd appreciate it.I'd appreciate it.
And by the way, your fuzzy hair, man, you'd make a great fucking Q-tip, I gotta tell you.He's trying to fuck me. Come find my G-spot right now, come on.Come on.
Who were those twins, those Caribbean twins?
The island boys, yeah.Has anyone ever told you that you look like one of the island boys in blackface? No.Yeah, well, I just did.
That might be tonight's Doritos joke of the night.Uh-oh.That's OK.
You don't like it.Izzy doesn't like it when people make fun of him.I don't know if anybody's watching this.
Tony, you look like an anorexic ventriloquist.
Wow.I haven't heard that since I started Open Mind 17 years ago.
Tony, you look like you ask for samples at a sperm bank.
Wow, this is unbelievable.Entry-level roast jokes, ladies and gentlemen.Anyone can do it.
It's literally my first time being comedy.
It's okay.Maybe don't fucking box with Mike Tyson.Play the video game, dude.Yeah.Play the video game.Tony.
It's my first time roasting.I'm gonna go against the guy that does it probably better than anybody in the world.
I'm living my dreams here.
You know what I love about the third island boy?Yeah. You know what you find on islands?Coconut!Coconut!Coconut!
Coconut!Coconut!Coconut!Pie!Coconut!Coconut!Coconut!
I think we found our first two Avengers of the guest history of Kill Tony.They are joining forces.This is like when they came out with a Wolverine Deadpool movie or something.Harland and the Doctor.
That's how you find the Ethiopian G-spot, elbow, fist.
Izzy, before I let you go, I gotta know, because you seem like a very charismatic guy.Is there anything else crazy about your life that we should know about?I mean, I feel like there's something more to you.
I was drugged.I was drugged by some prostitutes in Columbia.In Columbia, amazing.
Okay, what did they do to you?
Nothing, I got away really quickly because I speak Spanish, but if I hadn't, I would have been in a lot of problems.It was like an EDM music festival that I went to.I didn't know that they were at the time.They just seemed really cool.
Most prostitutes are.Yeah.Yeah, it's a problem over there, I guess.Do your parents live here?No, they're refugees.
Oh, I love the Refugees.They did... Wait.Lauryn Hill.Yeah, the Fugees.
They're the... Yes.No... I came here, I came to like...
Okay, Red Band, how many bug noises do you have for this guy?
Relax.Jesus, Jack Candy.Racist.
I came to America on, like, on a visa.Yeah?A visa?No, on a visa.Legally?Yeah.Instead of, like, walking here, like, it's, like, what people do these days, I guess.It's a tough walk from Ethiopia.
Right. Hey, be nice to the guy.Look at his legs.He was attacked by someone with a typewriter.
Well, you know what, Izzy?Your set was just okay.But since it was your first time, and I think you have a lot of fucking work to do, you're gonna get the first big joke of the night, buddy.Here you go.It's coming at you.
Izzy Hall, ladies and gentlemen.Back to another special treat.We're going to keep it moving fast here because it's a long walk from the back.If you want to rock and roll.
This guy is neither a regular nor technically a golden ticket winner, but he is a legend of the show's history.He is America's favorite uncle.You know him.You love him.This is indeed a brand new minute from David Jolly.
David Jolly, ladies and gentlemen.Send these motherfuckers out faster.Whoever's working the back, send them out faster.
How y'all doing tonight?Way people in Puerto Rico!Hell yeah.Y'all watch the Olympics?That shit was crazy as hell, man.They had breakdancing in the Olympics. In four years, them niggas gonna be shooting craps.
These goddamn Germans can really roll a seven, George.Hell yeah, Netflix.I'm sick of Netflix.They ripping us off.I'm glad I'm still in that shit.They keep on giving us these horrible ass movies, man.They bad, then they got the voiceover on them.
Voiceover, shitty as hell.Like French voiceovers.Who watch French movies?That's like watching gay porn.Nobody wanna see that shit. The thing is, if you're gonna give us voiceovers and they be bad voiceovers, at least make them interesting, you know?
Like, put a hood nigga on a couple of them bitches.Let him do like the Godfather.I'm gonna give you an offer you can't refuse.Sheesh!Ain't no way you gonna turn this down.Well, like, switch it up.Let a white dude do like a hood-ass movie, you know?
Let a white dude do Boys in the Hood. Yo, Ricky, dude, he has a gun, bro.Oh, shit, he shot Ricky, bro.Fuck.Ricky was working on his credit, dude.Ricky was a great guy, bro.All right, thank y'all very much, man.
David Jolly with The New Minute.
Fuck yeah, welcome back, David.Yeah, huh?Welcome.Thank you, my brother.How you doing?Man, I'm doing fucking great, man.Hell yeah, we in Vegas.I'm trying to buy some pussy. Hell yeah.
Hell yeah.What's your budget right now?What's your pussy budge?Wow.You can have Dr. Phil for $30.
Shit, it were four easy payments of $6.99.
Hey, you might get a deal today, baby.You feel me?
I don't know what you just said, but okay.
I should've brought my translator out here.
Yeah, no, you crushed it, Dave.You fucking crushed it up there, baby.Thank you, my brother.
Can I say something?I got a little bone to pick with you, my guy.All right.I just want you to know that those voiceover people, they work really hard to do what they do, and I don't think I like your attitude.
It's the same Chinese dude in every movie playing the male and the female part.That's some bullshit.Well, I don't... It's a goddamn ripoff, man.That's Hans Kim.I know who it is. Goddamn Hans, you gonna trick me, bitch.
I don't know.I agree with you.By the way, I'm so glad you got the Wendy's shift off to come and do the show tonight.
What's the Wendy's deal if I don't get out?
Well, that's a Wendy's drive-thru shirt, my man.
Oh, that's a nice ass shirt.Feel it, feel it, feel it.
Well, let's not play pretend on my time.
It's a good, it's a good fucking, uh... Let me feel it, let me feel it.It's a good fucking shirt, I'm telling y'all.
Where'd you steal that from?
No, I got this from, uh, Diddy's.It was only $7.You know, I'm on a budget, baby.Diddy's?It's a nice shirt, baby.You got that from Diddy's?Diddy's.It feels like it's made out of tampon material.Like Ross Donald, right?Diddy Kong?
Yeah, I wish I had a tampon shirt, like a real tampon shirt.I wish you did, too.That'd be pretty cool.
I would really like that.Yeah, yeah.
You look like black Charlie Brown.Thank you, my brother.I appreciate that.Charlie Black.It's a compliment.
It's an esteemed character.
You talking about the black dude from Charlie Brown or a black Charlie Brown?No, Charlie Black.Charlie Black?Yeah.That's the little dirty nigga from Charlie Brown?
You're damn right.Yeah, what you just said.Get your ass out of here.
No, no, I'm gonna say Charlie Brown, the main character.
Hangs out with Snoopy, Doggy Dog.
Snoopy's smoking weed.You know he smoke weed, right?
All day, every day.Every day, baby.What about the little bird that was with... He was getting a secondary high from it.
Holy shit, I didn't know you did voices.Yeah, I do.What other animals can you do?Uh, a chicken.Let's hear it.Caw-caw!Nope.Wow.Nope, not even close.That was the same thing he did for the first one.
How about a fried chicken?
That's good.All right, hold on, let me see if I can do it.
Wait, let me fucking guess.
You got it.All right, give me one crispy.
Good, pretty good.That's the only voice I know, man.I'm sorry.No, it's good.I didn't mean to let you down.
Yeah.I'm going to do an impression of a black man.Hey, motherfucker.
Wow, that was actually less black than you normally are.You wanna hear a white man?Hello there, motherfuckers.You wanna hear a white man?Yeah.Yep.
Hey, my name's Tony Henscliff.
Oh, they're gonna clap at that?Pretty accurate.I love you, baby.Pretty accurate.There you go. David, any other fun plans for your trip here in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada?Man, you know we doing Skank Fest, doing some spots, you know.
Hell yeah! I'm gonna do the butt-naked roast.Oh, wow, really?Yeah, I'm gonna do it.Okay.I'm gonna pump that motherfucker up, put some Viagra in him, stick him straight up, you know?
Shove some Q-tips up your ass.Whoa!That's a thing.
I don't know nothing about that, man.
You a freak, Tony.No, no, no.It's your people doing it now.No, no, no, no, no.You a freak.It's your people doing that.It's all news to us.Oh, man. Good time.
Dude, can I ask you a question about the grill?I love the gold teeth, man.Oh yeah.Talk to me, guy.Talk to me.
Shit, it's a Florida thing, you feel me?
Florida.It's a Florida thing.You know what they have in Florida, Harlan?
Yeah, it's a thing for guys from Florida. No, no, no.
We're doing a voiceover, not giving cunnilingus.
What the hell are you doing?I don't know how to do, uh, what's your boy's name?The dude that puppet up his ass?What's his name?
Jeff Denham.It's called the Q-tip.Yeah.
It's called the Q-tip.Okay.
Dude, I love it, though.Did that hurt getting the gold put in the mouth?Nah, they just slap it over there.
Does it ever get in the way when you're not eating pussy?
Nah, it never get in the way.It's actually better if you put your mouth right there by the pussy and go... That's how I clean them.
Amazing.Now, what part of Florida are you from?
Disney World and Kissimmee.It's a big difference.
You know, a little bit.How far is Orlando from Disney World?
It's like right on the edge.It's like right there, you know, 10 minutes, five minutes.
I used to think Orlando was the capital of Disney World.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.Orlando is the capital of violence and drugs and stupid shit like that.You know what I mean?Oh, my goodness.You got to do your homework on Orlando.Ain't no Disney World shit over there.That's why they moved to Kissimmee.
I love Florida, man.It's like, you look at Florida on the map of America, it's the cutest little state, just like America's nut bag hanging down.Yep.Just G-bagging Cuba all day long.
Teabagging Puerto Ricans and Cubans, you better believe it, you know what I mean?
Oh yeah, you ever teabag someone?
Yep.I have.I definitely have.What was his name?What?Wow, Red Band.
Red Band forcing in a gay joke on David Jolly.
That was a good one, Brian.
One of the straightest men in the show's history.
You better believe it, look at this. You think gay people do that?No.
I've never done that my entire life.Dude, that was him teabagging right there.Do it again.
My nuts getting bigger because I'm getting older.And sometimes I sit on my nuts and it's getting bad.Wait, I got... Okay.You ever sit on your nuts, Harmon?
Can you do an impression of a fried chicken teabagging a red band?
All right, well that's it.David Jolly, thank you, we love you.There he goes, David Jolly.Time for bucket poll number three.Keepin' it movin' along, make some noise for Tommy P. Ooh, I do believe he's in-house.Section F-O-R-O-R-R-C-3-0-8.
Tommy P, where the fuck is Tommy P? They finally sent out Tommy P. For those of you keeping track, they finally sent out Tommy P. Here he is, Tommy P. Hey guys, I'm Tommy, and I hate fucking kids.
Nah, I don't hate fucking kids, I just fucking hate kids. I would describe myself as a dink.Double income, no kids.
That's cool.Hold your booze until the end of the set.Ladies and gentlemen, give him a shot.He gets 60 seconds.We're restarting the clock.
That's double income, no kids.So I just had a vasectomy.Anybody here got a vasectomy? So I go to the doctor, tells me to snip and snip, and charged me 200 bucks right after that to masturbate and count my sperm.
Speaking of kids, I really don't want to have kids.I just had a complication in my family.My brother-in-law just had some trouble at the hospital. That's okay.That's okay.
Tommy P. Wow, Tommy, Tommy.
I gotta tell you, Tony, this guy's whole vibe, the way you're dressed, I'm kinda glad you hate kids, you know what I mean?
Tommy, is this your first time trying stand-up comedy?Oh yeah, absolutely.Okay, all right.How old are you?I am 34.
And what made you wanna start here today? I mean, I love comedy.I've always watched comedy.I wrote a little set.It went way worse than I thought it would go, but I figured I'd come up here and give it a try.Okay.
What's some other things that, uh... Good for you for trying.
I mean, it's not easy.It's not easy.
I mean, they were just booing two seconds ago, but it's okay.
Especially in a Fred Flintstone shirt.It's not easy.You look like Fred's janitor.
But you had some confidence, and then it just kind of, you didn't let the booze get to you.
Oh yeah, that I got, but the jokes weren't there.
Definitely not.Tommy, let's figure out what you can talk about.Not the most likable thing to come out and go, I hate kids, I hate kids, speaking of kids, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Let's figure out more about your real life.What ethnicity are you?You look suspiciously like everything. I am Dominican, 100%.Wow, 100% Dominican.Absolutely amazing.What's the most Dominican thing about you?I love salami and platanos.
Wow, salami and platos.You know what that is?Salami? I know what salami is.Dominican salami.Oh, what's the difference between Dominican salami and regular salami?
It's not like dry.It's like a kind of like a potted meat.I'm not gonna explain the whole thing.
According to one very Dominican man in the audience, it's a bigger dicks is the difference.There's a Dominican man that insists that they have huge dicks, which is definitely not a stereotype of Dominican people, by the way, sir.
Man, Dominicans in the audience are bombing due to Tommy P. It is contagious bombing.There is fallout, nuclear fallout happening.This is incredible.Tommy, what do you do for work?I manage cannabis cultivation. Oh, interesting.
So, true to your roots, you're gardening.Absolutely.Amazing.
Dude, he works at the Gravel Pit.Come on, it's Fred Flintstone.
Works at the Gravel Pit.Yeah, up and up again.
What do you do for fun?I smoke weed.I like to come to shows.I enjoy the entertainment in town.The t-t-t-t-tainment.Entertainment.Right, the t-t-t-t-tainment in town.
What do you do when you get high?What's your favorite thing to do?Like, when you get high, what do you do? sit around and get more high.Yep.Play video games or watch TV or murder kids.
No, I just like to get more high.
Violently high.Violently high.Okay.What's your love life like?You seem like the kind of guy that can only get hard if it's a transgender with fat tits.That is true, but I'm here with my wife or girlfriend.
Oh.Wife or girlfriend?Whichever you want to call it, yeah.
Is it your wife?She's my girlfriend, yeah.But why'd you call her your wife for a second?I consider her as my wife.Ew.My life partner.Do you think she considers you a husband after that set?Yeah.Really?She thinks I'm funny.
How long have you been with her?Six years.Oh my goodness.
What does she do?She works for UNLV Health out here.She's a social worker.
That's cool.The Fremont Street clan gets a big pop. UNLV health social workers, Fremont Street people are like, thank you for the free healthcare.Definite pop from the poor people section.Hey, how's the upper deck doing tonight?
How about the upper, upper third deck?Wow, they don't sound healthy up there.They don't sound healthy at all. Tommy, a really rough set, a rough interview.You're in the middle of it right now.
Give us a redeeming quality about you that'll make this crowd love you.
Let's see, I'm a veteran, Marine Corps.Oh, wow.Okay, there you go.All right.
Take that, you fucking Nazis.That guy.Hell yeah.What did you do in the Marines?
He was a sniper for kids. I told you I fucking hate kids.No, I did data networking communications.Oh, wow.Network for a tank battalion.Oh, a tank battalion.
Threw that in the end to make yourself look cool.Well, yeah, I didn't want to seem gay as fuck.I did data networking for a tank battalion.
Cool shit, dude.You ever shot a gun?Once.For the range, yeah, they let me.Was it a water gun or was it a real gun?
It was water.Yeah.Okay.You only shot it once?No, I'm good at mine.I'm a sharpshooter.You are a sharpshooter?
I told you.Well, keep it pointed away from you.I know it's going to be hard when this episode comes out, but... Tommy, we're going to keep it moving along.You indeed do get a little joke buck.Great job.I'll take the blame for that one.
I was a little off.All right.There you go.Keep going, baby. We're about to go into full recovery here, ladies and gentlemen.I guarantee it, because I present to you one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire show's history.
Ladies and gentlemen, from Toronto, Canada, here on a mission to destroy, this is the return of Jared Nathan!Ooh, big pop from the crowd.They are on their feet.Oh, my goodness.Oh, my goodness. Make some noise for Jared Nathan.
Viva Las Vegas!They lost my luggage.The only choices were this or It's too hard to explore.And I don't look good in booty shorts.I've been here for 24 hours.
I've been m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m and divorce.
She was m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m
I didn't understand the meaning of taking a tip dump at the crap table!
Thank you, thank you, thank you very much!
Yeah, there you go, Jared Nathan. Fuck yeah.You ain't nothing but a downs dog.
You ain't nothing but a hound.
You got nothing on me.What?I don't know.
You got nothing on me, Tony.
Dude, thank God you weren't born a cow.Give me a moo, my bro.Give me a moo.
I'm on the move, motherfucker.Okay.
Oh my goodness. You do look exactly like Elvis Presley in the last minutes of his life.That sweet, sweet balut.Look at you.You found one of the buffets here, huh?
I ate too many peanut butter banana sandwiches. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
Can I get some hand sanitizer?
Jared, are you loving Las Vegas?
I'm loving it!Loving, loving, loving, loving being in Las Vegas!Being in Las Vegas!
Fuck yeah.That's right.That's right.What does a guy like you do for fun here?Go to the roulette tables and bet on green or something? Is that an option now?It is, but just assholes do it.
He's not an asshole, but it's kind of a joke about how he's a... Looks like he goes to the buffet and bets on bacon, for fuck's sake.
I played slot machines!Oh, yeah?
I like the shiny lights, you know? The shiny lights, okay.I want some money too.I want some motherfucking money too.
You get it, you'll get it.That was an ATM, that wasn't a slot machine, Jared.That was a McDonald's order fast box.
Do you ever get people walking up to you on the strip and go, holy fuck, look, it's Down Syndrome Wolverine.
What up, b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-
Let's see him.You had an impression?Old school Vader?
Old school Vader, wow.This is for the 0.5% of our listener fan base.You guys are about to lose your minds.You 28 people.
Okay.Pretty good.Hell yeah.Look at you.I love it.I had never known that... I didn't know that Elvis wore Velcro shoes.I thought that he was more of a blue suede shoes kind of guy.
or a cum rag around his neck.
Keep it special, you know?I'm special needs Elvis.
I also want to tell people I'm on a cameo.
Uh-huh.Yep.I think you just did.Yeah.
Do you do kids' birthday parties?I'd hire you.
I'll do it.Yeah.Let's talk. Let's ask Robin.
Well, I don't have more than a couple of minutes and it might take a couple of days to get through it.Jared, I do want to tell... I'll whisper.You'll whisper?Well, that's... Okay, well, I'm rescinding the offer because that's creepy.
Jared, I do like that you came out with topical jokes about Vegas.Give it up for that.He came out prepared with some material about where he was.
Tony, I just want to thank you for everything.
Because of you, I can draw a crowd to my shows.Thank you.I have a show every month in Toronto for people with disabilities, five people with disabilities.It's called Life Without Limits.There's no limits to laughter.
I love it, that's absolutely true.Well, what can I say that I haven't said a thousand times before, Jared?You are one of the special gems of this show.You are fucking fantastic.We love you.You look better than ever.Good job, Elvis.
Thank you, thank you very much!
Bucket Pool 4 is coming up now.How about one more time for Jared Nathan?This is a big deal for a little boy from Canada. God damn.And how about a hand for the ring card girls?
This is the great Valerie Vaughn, alternating with our, of course, the lovely Heidi.All right, your next bucket full, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Keaton McAdams.Keaton McAdams, here we go.
They only gave me like 60 seconds up here. But don't worry, because 60 seconds is a long time.I feel like I've said that before, but 60 seconds is a long time.Anybody else here ejaculate prematurely?Ladies, you can laugh.
I bust quick, but I don't have any shame about it.Because after another 60 seconds, I'm ready for round two. I'm not here to brag, that's not what this is.But one time, I had sex three times in the span of 45 minutes.
I just wish someone else was there to see it.So I actually made you guys a video.Red band, can we hit the big screen?All right, that's my time, thank you guys.
There you go, Keaton McAdams.We had no idea where you were going with that whole 60 seconds is a long time thing.And then there you were talking about premature ejaculation.Absolutely stunning work.
Indeed.Welcome.How long you been doing stand up?Just over two years.How old are you?What do you do for work?I buy cars on the internet. Where do you live?I live out here, born and raised.
And you buy cars off the internet, and then obviously resell them?
The company I work for, like, auctions them off.I signed an NDA, so I shouldn't be talking about it in front of 5,000 people.
No, no, it's okay, dude.How many Tonkas do you have?
A little giggler over there, huh?
I'm having fun.Hell yeah.This is a sick show.Tony, good job.Wow, thank you.
Good job. Thank you.He's saying it like he's gonna get kicked off any second now.Good job, Tony.Can I stay?You look like Kyle Rittenhouse if he sold fireworks to Mills. That's a compliment.
If Kyle Rittenhouse ran for president, I would vote for him.
Hell yeah.All right, you got... Oh, shit.
Dude, come on up.You keep moving backwards.You want to fucking leave or what?Let's go.No, sir.This guy keeps inching backwards like he knows something we don't.
What's about to happen, Kyle?
Let's go, Rittenhouse, huh?Orville Rittenhouser.Not in my Rittenhouse.
Keaton, you're 24.What does a 24-year-old in Las Vegas do for fun?
Um, I just got into wakesurfing.
Oh, wow.Where do you do that at?
How many bodies have you hit?
Probably a lot.It's bumpy out there, Harland.It's bumpy out there, so you hit some fatties?Yeah.No fatties on my boat, but yeah.What's that now?
No fatties on my boat.Coconut.Coconut.
Pie.Coconut.Coconut.Coconut.Pie.
Wow.Absolutely incredible.Keaton, what is your love life like?You talked about masturbating for 55 seconds.
I got dumped a few months ago, so I've been doing a lot of masturbating recently.
The girl that dumped you, how long were you in a relationship with her?
I was just hooking up with her for a few weeks, and it fucked me up.Why did it fuck you up?She was really hot.How hot?
Why do you think she liked you?
She saw me do stand-up, believe it or not, Tony.
Okay, and then what happened?She came up to you and said what?
She asked me for a cigarette and I went to the, we were at a bar downtown and there was a liquor store next door.I don't smoke cigarettes, but I did go and buy a pack.And I came back in like five minutes later, offered her a cigarette, hit it off.
What kind of cigarettes?Camel toe?
Marble lights.So you bought her a pack of cigarettes, you guys have a cigarette, then what happens?
Um.Um. She's she said I was like her favorite comic a bunch of shit happened.Wow.She is I know I was like have you heard of Tony Hinchcliffe one shot was on Netflix.
Yeah, where is it now?It's it was a licensed deal when I was seven years into my comedy career, but nice try idiot.Oh I love this thing.Someone started this rumor that my special got taken out.It was a licensing deal.Do you know what that means?
That means they pay you vast sums of money to put your thing up there.
No, I know.A lot of people did.It's 2016, seven years into my career.It's inconceivable.
How many people want to see them fight right now?
Thank you, Dr. Phil. Tony's a mafia, so I would not fuck with him.
Yeah, I wouldn't either.No, I'm not.I'm not.I'm a comedian, Keaton.You're on my show.
You look like Eminem, but you melted on the dashboard.
Keaton McAdams, 24 years old.So tell us more about your life.Did you say Rachel McAdams?So interesting.No, I didn't.
More about your life, Keaton.
Okay.Okay, very good.Thank you guys.There he goes, Keaton McAdams.Here you go, Keaton.Buffy.Don't forget that.Oh, geez, Keaton.Oh boy, there he goes.Can't jog fast enough. Here we go, golden ticket winner coming at you.
A long time golden ticket holder.Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long awaited return of Todd Royce, everybody.Big boy.
I have a dog.I have a dog, not a dog, a shih tzu poodle.I don't think if you, that's not a dog.Shih tzu poodles to me are like K-pop bands.Like they're adorable, but if I hit one with my car, I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it.
They all have these cute little names.People call them shoodles.I call this one a shit poo, especially because she's gotten old and she's lost complete control of her bowels.Shit poo is actually what we call grandma near the end.
It's a joke, we never called grandma near the end.She didn't have any money, why waste our time?I want to get a pit bull.I love pit bulls.A lot of people think pit bulls are a violent dog.I think that's bullshit, it's all in the training.
I can train my dog to be an attack dog and it'd be perfect because no one's going to admit to being attacked by a shootle. But still, if you look online at adopting a pit bull, there's all this stuff about how to defend yourself if one attacks you.
And they say the best way to defend yourself if a pit bull attacks you is to take your thumb and shove it up the dog's ass.They say that's the best way to defend yourself.I say that's the best way to defend yourself if anybody attacks you.
Try that the next time you're getting mugged.It works on pit bulls and Puerto Ricans. Thank you guys.
Fuck yeah, Todd Royce rocks Solid Minute.He's done it again, ladies and gentlemen.Rocking some skulls on that shirt.What's up, Tony?Whoa.My pants almost fell down.Wow, did we just move backwards in time when you did that?That's incredible.
The fucking stage almost fell down, I'll tell you that.I felt gravity change.Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, Jurassic Park.Holy fuck.A groundbreaking performance here.
Dude, you said you wanted to get a dog.You might want to get an ultrasound because I'm pretty sure you got fucking puppies in there.
Oh my goodness.Those tits are shaking.Holy shit.Wow.
Check out Mother Jugs and Speed over here.
Come on, everybody.Let's go, Vegas.
Yeah. That's all you have to do.I've never seen anyone motorboat a whole city.
Yeah, this is incredible.You know you're in Vegas when you see the sphere, everybody.Here it is.Oh, it's got skulls on it right now.How cool is that?The sphere has skulls on it.They almost look real.
It is unbelievable, Todd, the way that you are shaped. You're so funny.You're so cool.
Dude, your areola has got to be huge.When you wake up in the morning, are there bullfrogs sitting on them?
Every time I look down, I want a pizza.Every time I look anywhere, I want a pizza, actually.Yeah.
You look like Jared from Subway's cocaine-dealing brother. That's a compliment.
The flaps underneath your tits.A lot of people don't know this.A lot of people don't know this, but that's where I hid my 2016 Netflix special.It's underneath one of his tits.Thank you.Good call back there.Who wants to watch it right now?Pull it up.
It's called One Slop.Todd, remind us, how do you make a living again?
I do stand-up comedy.That's right.And I have a podcast, The Sweet Potato Pod, but we can talk about that later after everyone subscribes.Oh my goodness gracious.What do you talk about?You are married, correct?I am married, yeah.I've got a wife.
She's a woman.I don't know why I felt the need.
What does she do for a living when she's not rubbing defibrillators together?That would not be a Mexican sound effect at all, professional rap band.
I think she manages his tits is what she does.
Dude, remember how the other guy kept moving back?Could you move the fuck back that way?
Stand on the red spots there.
It's like a fucking Swiss avalanche coming at me.
Yeah.He moves way more than he should for a guy that big.It is incredible.
I'm gonna come over there and just start doing jumping jacks next to Harlan.Holy fuck, how about jumping cheese jacks?
Yeah.Colby jacks. Incredible, but remind us, what does your wife do for work when she's not cutting coupons to save on the budget for feeding your massive... You know what's incredible about you?
is that your belly, everything's big, but then it gets, like, bigger down there.There is just something cooking in that fucking upper pouch.
I've always said the only person I've ever sent a dick pic to is myself, just to check in on it every once in a while.Yeah.Buddy.
Does it look like a dick or just a giant zit?You tell me.I don't... You tell me.In a while.Send me the pic.
I'll let you know.I will.
I'll send you... Why don't you airdrop it to the whole fucking room right now?
But remind me, what does your wife do for work when she's not buying new straws for shamrock shakes?
For those of you that don't know, and I've never exposed this fun fact, but I'm pretty sure since Todd's very first performance, six or seven years ago, I've been doing this thing.Someone should make a compilation at some point.
But I've been doing this thing where I make fun of your fat, and... Really rip it.
See, it's one thing when Tony does it.When I look him over at Red Band and he's like, yeah, that's fat fuck.
That's a little offensive.It is.He's like your mini me.You guys are like two different wacky planets.
I have a picture of Red Band up on the treadmill.
Yeah, so I'm a fat person gold.Yeah.
By the way, I don't use the treadmill.Did you say treadmill or oatmeal?What are you guys talking about?Red Band's never been on a treadmill before.
Todd, what is your favorite food?If you're lying in bed, we all have that favorite snack when you're lying in bed, right?
Maybe you're a little stony, maybe you're just a little tired, maybe you're horny and you go, I want to dip something into something. I want to deep throw in a bag of planter's peanuts covered in Cool Whip.
I want to suck down some Dunkaroos covered in fucking raspberry tartar sauce.I want to fucking shove my dick in a bucket of fudge.What's your vice?
Can I take a guess?Sure, yeah.I picture you dipping loaves of bread in root beer.
Like a fucking retired camp counselor.
I think that's how you make a root beer float, right?I really like ice cream with fruity pebbles and ranch.And then you mix all that.
It's a joke.I'm kidding.I don't eat fruity pebbles.Have you ever tripped down a boat ramp and nobody noticed?I've fallen so many times.Tight, just back here.
Yeah, I think I saw you on season three of America's Funniest Home Videos.
He's the only guy that yells, I've fallen and nobody else can get up.
I was in New York City and I tripped.
Dude, you are in New York City.
Okay, Redman, I swear to God.Todd, you were in New York and what happened?
I tripped and I fell and they celebrated the new year.
Oh, you son of a bitch. Because the ball, and I'm... All right, you guys, we'll tell you later.Not really a skyscraper, but you do scrape everything off your plate.Well, I want to be a good boy.
Have you ever had... Dude, do I have a gravy stain on my shirt or something?Can you back the fuck away?Yeah.Like, he just keeps getting closer, and I feel like I'm gonna get eaten any second.
And if you're going to eat me, let's fucking play this game.
I don't think he's tossed a salad in his light eye.
Well, look, you got skulls on your shirt.He's got skulls on his shirt.I think they want to fucking scissor each other or something.Yeah.
Difference is Todd is all skulls and no bones.Yeah.You're fat. So Todd, have you been?
Nothing Tony loves more than a good bone.Oh, you son of a bitch.
You son of a bitch. Oh my God.Why David Lucas?The gayest thing I've ever done is I accidentally once mistook Todd as a Tempur-Pedic mattress and I slept on top of him.
I snuggled up in the fetal position in his belly button and slept like a baby kangaroo.
This is the only guy in town who drives a Prius but he calls it a BMW because all anyone ever sees it as is a Burger King, McDonald's and Wendy's.
Coconut.Coconut.Coconut.Coconut.Coconut pie.Coconut.Coconut.Coconut pie.Where?
Todd, you are truly one of my favorites of all time.Always rolling with the punches, no pun intended.Always, absolutely, you know, just, I mean, always just shaking the room wherever you go.Absolutely, wow.
I cannot believe that those shoes and the stage and those legs and those knees and the hips can handle what you put it through.
When you jump, do you give yourself a wedgie?A little bit, yeah.I'm going to go pull this out here in a second.
You know, I never thought of this.I never thought of this.Your name is Todd Royce.Have you ever thought about going by Rolls Royce because you have so many rolls?Do you know that you look like if Jelly Roll and Jeffrey Dahmer had a baby?
There we go.That was it.That's tonight's new Doritos joke of the night.
Jeffrey Dahmer in Jelly Roll, which means that he doesn't just eat, he eats humans, he eats all animals.
By the way, I loved the jiggly tit thing you did, that was impressive.
I don't wanna skip over that.
Okay, yeah, no, I appreciate that, it takes a lot.This is just pushups every morning.
That's a lie, I don't do pushups.
Yeah.Would you believe it?No exercise at all.
You're fine, you're fine, you're moving around, but you're funny, so take care of yourself.
Thank you.There he goes ladies and gentlemen, the legend Todd Royce.We are flying along, we're flying through it.Hey y'all, this podcast is sponsored by PDS Debt.Guys, the holidays can be hard on your wallet.Between traveling and gifts, it's a lot.
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It's PDS debt.So start planning today. Get a free debt analysis right now.pdsdebt.com slash tony.It only takes 30 seconds.That's p-d-s-d-e-b-t dot com slash tony.pdsdebt.com slash tony.Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pool.
Aiden Kosoy.Aiden Kosoy.Bucket pool number five.Here.You guys still haven't bought?
Okay, so I'm not a big fan of Beyonce, but she has a really good song.It goes like, who runs the world?Jews.Who runs the world?Jews.Okay, so I try to run my life like a coming of age story, but the coming really hasn't happened yet.So...
Yeah, I'm still a virgin, obviously.And I use lines like, hey, you want to see my Hebrew national with a side of matzo balls?Maybe we'll make the soup later, you know?Or something like, or something like Jewish, hey, you want to see my space laser?
It's got big white beams.And Oh, and I got one more thing.You guys know terrorism is trendy now?Yeah, like, people are getting tramp stamps that say, I love Hamas and Osama is addy?Okay, I'm done.
There it is, Aiden Kosoy.Aiden, welcome to the show.How do you feel after that, Aiden?
This was my first time.There you go.I did prepare 60 seconds.Uh-huh.
The booing got to me, but the laughs at the beginning felt really good.
I like that.Good answer.Absolutely.For a first time, not bad.What made you want to start here?This is kind of a tough showroom, 7,000 people watching.
I know, it was big, but I didn't let the nervousness get to me.
Okay, very good.Incredible.You are the absolute opposite of Todd Royce.You're all bones, no skull whatsoever.
I think that came out of Todd Royce.Yeah.It fell out of his pant leg.
Your entrance was powerful.Your walk up to the mic, you looked like you were about to shoot up a Bed Bath & Beyond.Yeah.Yeah.
He's the first ostrich ever on here.Here we go.Ostrich. Oh, no, don't do it, Dr. Phil.
Easy, easy, Baldy.Easy.So, Aiden, how old are you?I'm 19.Wow, 19 years old.That's incredible.Absolutely amazing.And your first time doing stand-up, what else do you do with your life at 19?Um, I play video games.Uh-huh, what else?Um, I like nature.
I like reading.I like writing.
What exactly do you do in nature?What do you do?You catch lightning bugs or something?What are you talking about?
Okay, what do you like to do when you're hiking?Take pictures.Wow, incredible.What do you identify as?
Oh, you are a Jew?Yeah, that's why I made a Jew joke.Oh, okay.I make Jew jokes all the time.Yeah, they're funny.Other than my agent manager, I have no real connection with them whatsoever.Okay.What?No?So what do you do that makes you Jewish?
How do you celebrate being a Jew?Do you take off Saturdays?
Um, yeah, I was actually very religious when I was in college in New York.But I came back home because I faced anti-Semitism.
Anti-Semitism?Is that a black woman?Uh... Anti-Semitism and uncle-Semitism was mean to me.
Where's that motherfucking challah bread?
Hey, my anti-Semitism told me I need to move the fuck out of her house. Anti-semitism.I've never really heard it called that before.I normally hear anti-semitism.What do you think?
Yeah, you can also call it Jew hatred.
Yeah, what type of... I hear this, but it's kind of funny because if you make fun of an Italian, there's no word for that.If you make fun of everybody else, it's racist.You guys have your own word.How does that make you feel? What does that mean?
What does that tell you if your people have a special word for racism?What do you think that means?If you take yourself out of the picture, what do you think about your people having a special word for just you?Because everybody hates us?
That is the correct answer.You are correct.Very good.
Jesus fucking Christ. Mario Lopez host in this is some very fun things I can do when it's not streaming live So What did they do to you?What exact type of anti-semitism did you face?I got spit on I got death threats.Where was this at a college in
New York.New York City?Yeah, outside Long Island.
Long Island.I know, a Jewish stronghold, right?There's a lot of, well, again, again, only you people call it a stronghold when you're populated there.Why do you think you would do that?
Why do you think the blood that runs through your veins would make you call it a stronghold?As if though you own that land. that is American land, clearly.
Yeah, I mean, I love America, so... But also, we're not very strong, as you can see.
Right.Okay.So, you're basically in Long Island, which, for those of you that don't know, is basically a big Jewish temple.
And you face anti-Semitism.What exactly did they say or do to you there?
Go ahead.Basically, I mean, like, they said, shit, like, go back to, you know, Poland, all the normal shit.But you've never been to Poland.No, I'm from Ukraine.My ancestry is Ukrainian.Oh, wow.Way to get the crowd on your side.
There's some uneducated idiots that are rooting for you now.Not realizing that that country's stealing our money. Yeah, they are.Yeah.Oh, look at that pop from the crowd.Almost seems like we should stop donating to Needless Wars.Am I correct?
If only there was a candidate for that coming up in November.It's a no-brainer.Do the right thing.Tell your friends.Anyway, Aiden. Who are you voting for this November?By the look of your bones in your arms, I'm guessing you're going blue.
Am I correct?I am voting for God because he's the only one who can save us.Wow.
Now hold on a second.This might be the first time a Holocaust survivor is voting for God. Now, it is ironic that you're Jewish, but you look like you were in the camps, but I do want to say this real quick.Hold on a second.What?
Eight nights of Hanukkah.That's pretty, how do you, is that, did you get something cool each night?I'm always curious, because Christmas is one, Kwanzaa, you know, I haven't, I don't know, but Hanukkah, Hanukkah, you get eight nights.
How does that work?I mean, no, we're Jews.We get the skimpy, you know, not eight presents.
Wait a second, wait a second.Why would you call your people skimpy?That is just anti-semitism if I've ever seen it before.
Gotta play into the tropes, you know.
What's the greatest gift you've ever gotten on, uh, what's it called again?Jew Kwanzaa?What is it? I know it's Hanukkah, Yoni.Yoni fucking in my earpiece.I have my own fucking Jew in my ear.It's called Hanukkah, boss.
He's never fucking given me an answer to anything before.Literally the Jewiest thing you could do.We've been doing this for years and he's like, it's a Hanukkah.I fucking know.I was doing that.Jew Kwanzaa was a joke, Yoni.God.
You fucking people, I gotta say, I don't get it.But what is the greatest, you say that they're skimpy, I know, you know, I'm like white trash, Italian, hybrid, we get spoiled.
Even, I was poor, and I still got a little spoiled on Christmas, because that's what fucking white trash does, they spend their money, especially Italians.They don't save it for a second.What was the greatest gift you've ever gotten?
I don't know, man.I mean, like, I guess a laptop.It's not that cool.
Oh, okay.You're right.It's definitely not that cool.How much do you weigh?You are adorably... You're like the smolocost.You're like Auschwitz.
Auschwitz.Um, like 117?Wow, 117.Absolutely incredible.
Perfect size for Todd to eat in one bite.Yeah. Let go of that microphone.Let me see if you'd collapse.
Are people yelling for the scale right now?Did we bring the scale, Yoni?You don't have the scale?
Oh, it's a damn shame.Wait, I can bench press 120, so let me see.
Oh, my goodness.Here we go.All right, Dr. Phil.Oh, he doesn't know what a bench press is.That's adorable.Whoa.Whoa. Oh my goodness.He's curling him.Oh my God.Wow.The fear.Yep, he's hard.How do you feel being curled by Dr. Phil?
It was a fun moment.I'll never forget it.
That is true.You won't.Never forget.
Yeah, exactly.You're responsible.
How long have you been doing stand-up, guy?
This is my first time.Is it something you want to pursue?Yeah, I did improv in high school, so I kind of wanted to try stand-up.
All right, let me give you a little advice, okay?Because I'm seeing a lot of this from a lot of young guys coming out here, even the older guys.Try and get away from the masturbation and the jerk-off jokes.It's too easy, all right?
If you really want to do this, You got a laptop.Sit down and be clever.Write something original.Go watch a guy like Stephen Wright or even Hans Kim.These guys put a lot of effort.They're writing jokes.They're being clever.
We see too many guys and girls come out here and just go down to that jerking off, masturbation stuff.It doesn't work.Nobody wants it. To you and every other young comic, use your mind, be smart, be clever.And let's let's bring the game up a little.
And you can start the process with one of these amazing little joke books.There he goes.Aiden Kosoy, everybody.It is time for him to go back to Poland.Am I right? All right, we're having fun here.Ladies and gentlemen, another special treat.
Neither a regular nor a golden ticket winner, but David Lucas called in sick today.He is under the weather, couldn't make it.So I had to call up someone from the bullpen, an alternate player that you know.
This is a brand new minute from, love him or hate him, the one and only Uncle Lazer, everybody.Here he is. Here he comes, live in the flesh, the real deal.Soaking it in pro wrestling energies.Oh my God.
Shining like a diamond in a gold sash.Vegas, how we feeling now?
Legend here. I volunteered to coach a little league baseball team down there in Austin this summer.And by volunteered, I mean it was court ordered.But there's a plethora of single mothers at them baseball games.Any single mothers in here?
Yeah, I can smell you, bitch.Like Thanksgiving leftovers, you're goddamn right I can.And listen, I love me a good single mother now.I really do.More kids, the better, all right?I need that pussy watered down.
If that pussy don't look like a mud flap on the back of an 18-wheeler just blowing around in the breeze, I just don't want no part of it.Because I'm gonna be honest with y'all, tight pussy makes me claustrophobic, you know what I'm saying?
What do I want to do, have sex with a 21-year-old little tight pussy, come in 30 seconds, apologize for half an hour, and then listen to her talk about true blood?Not a chance.
Well.Bucket and Uncle Lazer.Look at that.Rock solid minute.Oh, shit.The haters are going to have to fucking rest their fingers after a set like that.Look at this guy.I told you.You did tell me.I fucking told you.
With that said, you also told me all the other sets I've ever given you in the history of the show.A fun fact about Uncle Lazer, and I think this is good that I'm about to expose this, is that He talks a lot of shit.
I'm getting a lot better, Tony, you gotta give me another shot.
And I tell him, you're not a golden ticket winner, you're not a regular, but he is a fucking fun guy to hang out with here and there, even though it seems like I like hanging out with people that do a lot of crazy drugs.
You're drug testing right now, I'm sober as a judge.
And it is true, but before a lot of sets, you get nervous in those last minutes, and he tends to drink a lot, and he tends to smoke some weed to calm himself down, and then he has to fucking take a half an Adderall to pick himself back up, and then a quarter of his Annex, because the Adderall's zipping, and then he has to fucking do a little Robitussin, then a Cialis.
Like, he literally does this thing where he's like, fuck, I fucked up, and I'm fucking all up.
Tony, be fair, is that California weed you be bringing down there in Austin?Every time I smoke that shit, it feels like I got Down syndrome.
It is true.I've taken a lot of heat lately and I've been having to warn people that fucking want to smoke and hang.It's like become an actual problem recently.
I don't know what the fuck's going on, but it used to be you just smoke weed and everybody's okay.I don't know what's happening, but it is true.My weed is ridiculously strong. It is.It is.It's like Jared Nathan.
Um... I just want you to know, bro, when you walked out here and you threw your glasses into the crowd, you hit a blind lady right in the eyes.
Well, at least she has them glasses to cover that fucking goofy shit up with.You hear me?
Look at that.Quick on the seat tonight.Coconut.
Coconut.Coconut.Coconut.Coconut pie.Coconut.
Coconut.Coconut.Coconut pie.
You guys eat that after y'all three fuck each other or what?
Oh, laser.Oh, my God.Coconut.Coconut.Coconut pie.Oh, the crowd goes wild.
Hello?Coming from a guy who says his own name when he comes.
Listen, Hillary Clinton, I'm gonna need you to take that fucking pantsuit off, dude.
Oh, Lazer's having a moment.Look at the strut.Look at the confidence.Come on.Give me a potato, brother.Give me a potato.
Oh, my God.My God.Lazer's having a breakout performance right now.We're never going to hear the end of it.You saw what I did in Vegas.I need another shot.
I want to give his mullet a Brazilian and fuck the back of his head.
Maybe it's him or maybe it's Maybelline.You know what I'm fucking talking about.
Oh, wow.Wow.That feels like Jennifer Garner on a Thursday night.Hell yeah.
I was in L.A.this past week.I had to take some acting classes.Y'all know who Donald Cowboy Cerrone is, right? I said, he's a good homie of mine.And he's like, hey man, I got this Western that we're going to do on Netflix.I wrote you in a character.
I wrote this just for you.No one else can play this.I need a Southern gritty, nasty motherfucker.You're going to be a Confederate officer.He's gone rogue.And I'm like, well, shit, man.He's like, it's a big deal.
I said, well, let me get acting classes.He goes, good.He goes, because your first scene is a rape scene. Wow.Yeah.And I said, man, I don't know if they offer that at the acting classes.You know what I'm saying?
Something tells me you could improvise.
Yeah, I will.Nothing like a Confederate officer with a tattoo of Mr. T on his arm.By the way, that acting class, do they teach funny?I'm kidding.That's my son.
Wait, Lazer, you do have, as Hollywood says, a look, right, that is prime to book something special.If you could have a dream job, acting job, like your show, who would you play?What would the show be called?Wow.Take your time, sound it out.
Like I could play any character?Any character, like a cowboy or a rapist or a rapist cowboy. Or like a bank teller that, like, you know, is also a killer on the side.Some Dexter shit.Maybe you're a house mom with a fucking pussy.I don't know.
What's... Yeah.Ellen DeGeneres.
Ellen DeGeneres.Jesus fucking Christ.
Hey, dude, give my dad his shirt back, dude.You went to Chili's already.Give that shirt back.Hey, honestly, Mr. Dr. Phil... For real.
I mean, you could play four of the lead roles of Orange is the New Black for sure.That's how you do it.
Nah, I would be Clifford the Big Red Dog.Oh. Yeah, I got you, motherfucker.How about that, man?All right.
Okay, we'll call you back.Uncle Lazer, an absolutely amazing performance.You got laughter throughout.Big pop from the live audience and all the way throughout your set.Gotta be one of your best sets ever.Oh, here we go.
We got some music.So, on some real shit, today is my actual birthday.Turn 34 today.Thank you. I'm gonna get real sappy and gay real quick, but it'll be funny.Just wait.Oh boy.So, on my birthday, it's just kind of bittersweet.
My granddaddy died on my birthday when I was 14, and he's the best man I ever met in my life.He was a real cowboy.Not the shit you see on the country music radio, TV shit.He used to break horses and, you know, break horses and drive cattle.
He used to fight chickens. You know what I'm saying?I don't know what came first, the chicken or the egg, but that motherfucker been fighting it since the dawn of time.You know what I'm saying?
And when he was dying, my mama and all her sisters wanted him to go to the hospital.And he said, nah, I built this house on my bare hands.I'll die in this house.
Y'all come see me one-on-one, say our goodbyes, bury me in the backyard, away to good Lord intend.He told me two things, and this has changed my life throughout my entire life.This is kind of what I live by.
And I want to share with y'all, he said, when you walk into a room, you got to know that the room got better, not in a cocky sense, but in a sense that somebody gets to meet you and you get to meet them.
And for a moment in time, you get to change not only their life, their day, their year, whatever it may be.It don't cost no amount of money just to be kind to somebody, to meet everybody with a hug, a handshake or a smile.
My goodness.I think it's time for you to start doing drugs again, dude.
Now, that same granddaddy also told me that playing harmonica translates well to eating pussy.So I'm gonna show you, all right?On a harmonica, there are 10 frets, one to 10.
It just so happens the distance between one to 10 is the same distance between the woman's vagina and her butthole.Now listen here, I don't make the rules.I just measure twice and cut once, you hear me?This is what a pussy sound like.
PH a little off, but you know what I'm saying. This here is what a butthole sound like.He had an old rusty hook.Never found a clitoris.Search continues.But if I do, that motherfucker gonna sound like this.
My name's Uncle Lazer, thank y'all so much.
Uncle Lazer from the oil fields of Texas to a giant, sold out, massive theater in Las Vegas, Nevada.It's time for Bucket Pool number six.Ladies and gentlemen, where's our lovely Bucket Pool girl?Wait a second.Wait a second.
Wait, is that the great Pauly Shore, ladies and gentlemen?Oh my goodness.Pauly.Oh my goodness.Pauly.Your body is unbelievable, I must say. Wait, what is going on?We almost saw the weasel and the fucking Encino man, am I right?
I'm not polysure, we're in Las Vegas, I'm a polysure lookalike.It is true, I found you on Fremont Street. I have some good news to announce.The Pauly Shore lookalike is starring in the new Richard Simmons biopic.And I beat out the real Pauly Shore.
Pauly, I gotta say, you have a massive fucking cock and balls.That is incredible what is going, that thing has been stretched out since your MTV VJ days.Look at that.That's what happens when you fucking 40 years of banging nines and tens.
Scar tissue.Buddy. You got a fucking... Cox got jury duty.Yeah.I think I found your son-in-law.It's the herpes dome.Oh, my God.Okay, red band.
Dude, look at those underpants.It's like the cast of Cocoon is in there.Holy crap.Oh, he's pulling it out.Oh!Wow, wow, wow.Is that your adult diaper?
Yo, we'd wanted Carrot Top to come on stage with me, but he said he's still fucking busy for us, bro.Boo.
Well, I see you're Carrot Top's sick of that.Yeah, that's right.
Put the Eccino man back in the cave, all right?
I noticed that fucking ring card went way down when you pulled those paper towels out of your pants.
Dude, where did you get the blueberry underpants?
You're dressed like an umpire in an over-70s softball league.
Yeah, you look like you're about to read to kids in Portland, Oregon right now.
Heidi and Valerie, they just needed a break.They're at the Spearmint Rhino for about 30 minutes.Wow.And they wanted me to sit in for them and just bring out card number six.
We got another comedian coming up, so they're just trying to make a little extra cash while they're here in town.Yeah.
Speaking of Heidi, you've been hiding behind that card since you pulled those paper towels out of your pants.
Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Dude, you've got a Caesarian scar on your ass crack.
And that ass is flatter than the Ukrainian Jews punchline from earlier.Look at Pauly.Pauly, what's up with your body, buddy?
I've been eating a lot of buffets, bro.
Looks like one of the shrimp fell into your underpants. And not a jumbo shrimp either.
I wasn't planning on Pauly as the ring card girl as being one of the funniest parts of the show.I'm fucking dying up here.Oh my God.
You guys, I'm going to criss back to the back.Have a great time in the rest of the show.
Make some fucking noise for the legend, Pauly Shore. The man, the myth, the legend, oh my God.How many people think Pauly should be a permanent ring girl?
Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Edgar Sandoval, ladies and gentlemen.We're keeping it moving along.Edgar Sandoval.Make some noise for Edgar, everybody.Here he comes.We're gonna meet him all together.It's a long episode.
One more time for Edgar Sandoval, everyone.
Excited to be here, but I've got to get this off my chest.My brother owns a restaurant.It's called The Asian Palate.And three times in one year, their victims, it's really racist vandalism.
Last time it happened, somebody covered the bathroom wall in big letters, F-U-C-K Asians, which was very upsetting for our family because clearly this is premeditated.
Clearly that someone went there with hate and intent because you can't go to a place called The Asian Palate and be surprised by Asian people and Asian food. It's called the Asian palette.It's not a surprise.It's in the name.
It's like when I go to the Cracker Barrel.I can't go to the Cracker Barrel and surprised by chicken fried steak and white people.It's in the name.
All right.I cannot believe how wild the crowd went for that Cracker Barrel joke after a 43 second long setup, but they wanted it so badly that you gave them something, Edgar.
They did, Edgar.How are you, buddy?
How long have you been doing stand-up?
Wow.Where at?Peoria, Illinois, the Jukebox Comedy Club.Absolutely.OK.Peoria, Illinois.We know it well.
And Mason City Limits, too.
OK.All right.Dropping some names.Eight years in, what do you do for a living?
I work for Caterpillar, the earth-moving equipment.
Oh, wow.Okay.I would not have expected you working with heavy machinery.
He looks like a little caterpillar.You're cute.Do comedy, you must.
Yeah, you were funny.You're like Gilbert Gottfried Rice.
All right, that sounded funnier in my head.
What ethnicity are you?I know you're some type of Asian.I'm Filipino.
Oh yeah, that's my favorite.
Okay, yeah, maybe we do a beach cop show or something.We could do that.What's your favorite, what's your, what do you like to do?
I love that, great question, Dr. Phil. Great stuff.
After the show tonight, you'll go home and do what?Probably watch some more comedy.You're a big comedy guy.
Yeah, absolutely.You ever fart so hard a fortune comes out of your ass?
You ever fart so hard motherfuckers try to find you?Not yet.Okay.Edgar Sandoval, what do you exactly do as hobbies?You seem like the kind of guy that has an amazing chopstick collection or something.
I coached high school soccer for the past 22 years.
Girls?Yes.Right.I knew that.
Is it weird coaching the kids when they're four inches taller than you?
It's rough, because, you know, when you coach them when they're little, and then they get to high school, and yeah, I'm always like this.You must go out and score goals, you must.And that is the pep talk they get.
But if they talk shit, you can hit them and stuff, right?No.Okay.Just asking for a friend.
Nothing creepy with these high school girls.22 years doing it, I'm getting some Sandusky vibes from you.
Oh, my goodness gracious.
What did you say about caterpillars?
Enough about what was in Pauly's underwear.It's not gonna go.
Pauly's underwear.I've never seen underwear made out of blueberry yogurt.
Yeah, there was a lot of extra space in there.The tight band was very loose parts.Yeah, and it smelled.
It smelled like a senior center.
What kind of underwear do you wear?
Yeah, what color are yours?
Great question.He's looking curiously.Blue.Oh, that's correct.
Maybe you and Pauly can hang out later and make a blueberry turnover. I hope not.I hope so.I'm sure you do, Harlan.Must roll around in Walmart sleeping bag, you must. I wish I could do that Yoda impression.
I don't do it.Try it, buddy.This is show business.I don't do Yodas.
Just try it.Give it a try.
I do, uh... Everybody does.
Try it.And say everything backwards.I only do Homer Simpson.
Try it.Make this joke, I must.
There you go.Very good.We're going to keep it moving along, Edgar Sandoval.There you go.Catches like a soccer coach.
Good first joke, too.By the way, you know why Yoda never got married?Why?Because he says everything backwards, and every time he gets up to the island, they go, do you take this woman to be your wife?
Okie dokie.Wow.Red band, absolutely forcing a Marge Simpson impression there.Absolutely.I mean, literally, like a person having multiple strokes throughout the episode.
Your next comedian, ladies and gentlemen, how many of you are real fans of the show, huh?Hi, this podcast is sponsored by Cal-She.Do you think you know who will win the presidential election?
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Well, I stocked the back part of this lineup with some of your favorite superstars.Let the chaos absolutely begin as I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.
This is a big fucking stage and this guy knows how to use it.Ladies and gentlemen, here, In Las Vegas, Nevada, I present the one and only KC Rocket.
That's life.Thank you.Hey, when I was a kid, if there was fentanyl in the pills, we just did less pills.We didn't throw the baby out with the bathwater.We just did a little less pills.Oh, man.Hell yeah.My pronouns are bi, onicle.Nobody gets me.
So tragic. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.Sorry if I seem a little off tonight.Somebody slipped me some ketamine and I woke up in Baghdad, so.All of what?Akbar.So cool to think about around the holidays.It's actually funny you bring that up.
What does ketamine feel like?Good question.Ketamine. Ketamine kind of feels like, have you ever woken up in the middle of the night because your dog is barking at the closet?So it's like that, but you're the dog.And you're also hiding in the closet.
Sort of a duality of man situation.Interesting to think about.Thank you, I'm Casey Rocket.So far, thank you!
Casey Rocket has arrived with what appears to be a new trademark office chair.We've never seen anything like this before.
Tony, I was so terrified.When he was rolling across there, he almost hit Pauly Shore's adult diaper.
Oh my goodness.Are you asking me a question?
I'm too tired to riff.You must be exhausted.You have a very special crab man bottle of Robitussin wrapped around your neck.We've never really seen anything like it before.This old thing?Yeah.
This is the test, Jane. Where do you get one of those?Nick Saban made it for me.
Wow.Shout out.Hall of Fame college football head coach Nick Saban, now on college game day.
ESPN, college game day.He made it.Yeah.It's pretty sweet.I've been, well, I was inducted into the Mind Freaks, Criss Angel's Mind Freaks.Yeah.So I've been training with them for six months, levitating,
Yeah, what's that initiation like?
Freaky.It's a lot of him, like, handing me a box of raisins, and it'll be all melted, and he'll go, I did that.And I'll go... I'll go, all right.
Hell yeah.He'll go, you feel that?And I'll go, feel what?And he'll go, you got a blood clot.
Wow.That is amazing.Pays the bills.It's good cash.Pays the bills. Can you do a little levitating for us, perhaps?
Maybe if everybody gets on their, claps their fucking hands.
It's like some Peter Pan Tinkerbell shit.
Using the energy from the audience.You gotta keep clapping, I think, people.Whoa, his eyes are doing something crazy. Oh, my God.Whoa.Oh.Oh, my God.The tusk is shaking.That's awesome.Wow.Absolutely incredible.We'll put it in in post.
We'll put it through an editing, put it through an A.I.thing for the viewers at home.It's going to look amazing.
I'll be like Tony Collette in Hereditary.He'll be floating at the six people who care.
It's OK. Felt good.Casey, what does a guy like you do in Las Vegas, Nevada?
Play it fast and loose.Yeah.I'm gonna... Jolly was talking about paying for... P-word.Paying for... I'd like to pay to make love.
That's sweet.Even if it's double or triple, I don't care.
What's your number?Like, how much will you pay?
What's the ceiling?No ceiling.Old money.I'd pay anything.Sky's the limit.
There is no ceiling for a man that levitates like you.
Something like that.Ooh.You stay up late enough in Vegas, Casey, you'd be surprised what you can get a gal to do with her mouth for an Arby's beef and cheddar.
A friend told me that.From Dr. Phil, no doubt about it.He's been around the block.Well, I've been around for a bit.So hot.A billionaire.You're a billionaire, Dr. Phil.Sure.I can afford Arby's.You're goddamn right.
Yeah, I'd like her to dress up like my college girlfriend and apologize for my alcoholism would be cool.She'd be like, I'm sorry, you pissed your pants or whatever.And I'd be like, water under the bridge.Yeah.You ever fuck in a waterbed, Casey?
If you think so, yeah, if you think that.
I do.Have you done that?Yeah.
Hold that thought, Tony.We'll be right back.No, yeah, of course.I lost my virginity in a waterbed, and I still make love to my wife in a waterbed.It's just fun.It feels like you're in the ocean.
Oh, God, yeah.I love thinking about the ocean, especially around the holidays.
Which holiday?Jew-Kwanzaa, like Tony said?
Whichever one's closest, I would love... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.I'm thinking about it right now.I don't know if you can tell.
But I'm thinking about making love on the waterbed, and Shorty's really getting it.
Yeah.Yeah.Tusk dangling over her head.She's hypnotized by the crab.No doubt about it.You like that thing?Yep.
Are you wearing the Tussen necklace when you're fucking?
Oh, yeah, it's hitting her.Yeah, she's got to wear a goldie mask.Yeah, it's fucking rocking her nose.
Oh, there it is.You love the ocean, huh?Trick or treat.You love the ocean, little buddy?Trick or treat.Oh, yeah.You love it?Here, let me do something for you.
Oh, the wind is blowing.There's a lot of wind. Oh, my goodness.
He's levitating.Does that turn you on?Yeah.Oh, yeah.
Horny, horny.What's the farthest you've ever rolled in your chair?What's the longest distance ever?Couple clicks.Couple clicks.
I thought you said clits.That's what I thought.
I'm like, where'd you get the gynecology chair?
No, a couple clicks, like two clicks east.I've taken it a couple times.
Okay.What'd you find when you stopped?
Stuff I'm not comfortable talking about around the holidays, but... Was it an all-nude office depot?
I'm home.Yeah.So cool to think about.
How much driftwood did you find on the beach today?Dozen.Okay.
Couple quarts, couple clicks.Call it a day.You kind of look like the guy with the metal detector walking around being like, I found a treasure. Yep, there he is.
Full of blood clots.Look at that.
Now it looks like you found Helen Keller.What the hell was that?
Oh my goodness.He's levitating.Poor Keller Helen.Oh my God.
He looks like an opioid fucking waitress at Red Lobster.Holy shit.
If you're lucky.Casey, you're an absolute superstar.We love you so much.Thank you guys.Thank you, man.It was so fun.
All right, bucket pool number seven.Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Anthony Schumann II.Now I'm gonna pull for a woman on this next bucket pool, because we haven't had a female yet tonight.But for now, this is Anthony Schumann II.
Make some noise for Anthony, everybody.
How's it going, Las Vegas?Just had that fourth kid. Yeah, that post vasectomy baby.Yeah, the miracle baby, as my wife calls it.Yeah, kid doesn't look anything like me.I'm pretty sure he's Mexican, guys.So I named him after my best friend, Diego.
Seemed fitting.No, we adopted that one, you assholes.Yeah, he's a rescue. Favorite thing I've learned as a dad, favorite thing I've learned, you guys can take it home and do it tonight.You can hit any kid you want.Doesn't have to be yours.
All you gotta do, yell bees first.Bee!Bee!Killer bees!I'm Anthony Schumann everybody, thank you guys so much.Anthony Schumann, welcome to the show.
Thank you so much for having me.Absolutely, there will be jokes, look at you. Uh, how long you been on stand-up?Five years now.I love it.All here in Vegas?
No, I'm from Tacoma, Washington, myself.Nice.
A little big pop for Tacoma, Washington.
Very interesting.Is that how they fight bees in Tacoma?Fucking jujitsu.
You know how it goes, Dr. Phil.
Let's go, baby.Yeah, one-two punch.
Kick those kids in the fucking face is what I say, Dr. Phil.
That's not what I was talking about, but okay. Still talking about bees.
What do you do for a living, Anthony?
I'm a stay-at-home dad.Oh, wow.I used to be in the military.I retired, and now I stay home with my kids.
Nice.How many kids do you have?I have four.Whoa.Look at you.
Yeah.Damn.Three regulars and a rescue.That's what we do.
I got a stay for a stay-at-home dad.You're not very good at it.I see you.
No, I abandoned the shit out of him the first chance I got, Harlan.How old are your kids? I got 10, 12, and then I got three and two.That coconut cream pie, am I right?Love a cream pie.Absolutely.
So have you ever been attacked by bees?Like, have you ever been swarmed by actual bees or hornets?
You think that bit came out of nowhere, Harlan?
Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.
I am a beekeeper, my friend.You're a beekeeper?Hell yes, Mr. Harlan Williams.I have bees at my house, two hives.Wow.Yeah.Drop the bees. Oh, fuck.You just gotta watch out for those killer bees.
Yeah, have you ever been swarmed by killer bees?
No, no, no.They're Africanized, though.
Oh, no, they are?Shut the fuck up.That's a bee fact, you dicks.Okay.
Uh, Anthony, uh, all your kids healthy?
All healthy.One with cerebral palsy, but he's healthy.
Okay. Is he funny?I'm looking for another golden ticket winner.
I'm getting him there.I'm getting him there, Tony.Very good.Comedy Cures.You said you're the second, right?I am not the second.
Anthony Mooch in the second?I don't know how that got on there.I think I'm just number 11.
Oh, that makes sense.That makes sense.There's no parentheses on it.That makes sense.There's parentheses around the other numbers. They just put an 11 next to your last name.Look at that.Unbelievable.
There's 232, 45, 106, 183, 114, 48, and then the second.Guess that one's on me.
When you're not on stage, do you chew a piece of hay?
You do look like a hay chewer.I live on a farm.
Wow.Absolutely incredible.Circle gets a square.
What do you farm, my guy?We got bees.We got chickens.We got pigs.We even got some of those slanty-eyed kids to help the landscaping.
Wow.OK, and we'll be right back.What the fuck?
Release the bees.Release the bees.
Drop the fucking bees.Drop the bees.Coconut pie.
What the fuck?Anthony, fun set.We're going to keep it moving.There goes Anthony Schumann, everybody.
Good job, bud.Tacoma, Washington, baby.
All right. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the most elite regulars in the history of the show.Perhaps you know the words of his theme song.When you met him, he was living in his van, addicted to open mics.
Now he is a superstar that flew in just for this.Make some noise.This is Hans Kim.This is Hans Kim.This is Hans Kim.This is Hans Kim.This is Hans Kim.This is Hans Kim.
Hey, what's up Vegas?It's great to be here at Resorts World.I love the giant screen you have on the building.I'm staying in Bert Kreischer's left nipple.Haitians are eating cats now.
I didn't realize my ancestors were on the Haitian diet this whole time. Apparently they're bad at driving too, they're taking everything from us.I feel like an Italian in the 60s, I'm about to be white soon.
The only thing they haven't taken is the little dick thing.They're out here crashing into cars, eating cats with big dick energy.Unlike Haitians, my family eats cats year round, not just during election season. Thank you guys so much!Hans Kim.
Very fun set.You've done it again.Dr. Phil, what do you think about this young buck?
Boy, Hans, if you're here, who's sleeping on a bench at the mall somewhere? Hans, you're consistently funny.You come out, I've known you for a hot minute now, and you come out, your delivery just gets sharper and sharper.
Do you feel locked in right now?
Yeah, I'm talking like a normal person.I'm talking like a normal person.I'm trying not to do that voice.There you go.I'm trying to be white.
So I want to say something.So I referenced Hans earlier on the show tonight.Yeah.About eight or nine years ago, I'd never met Hans, and you opened for me in Seattle.Do you remember that, Hans?Yes.And when we finished the weekend, I went up to Hans.
I'd never met him.And the thing I said to him, I said, Hans, you know what I really like about you?You're a really good writer.I can tell you take the time to think out your jokes, write clever jokes. And so I want to go back to what I said.
I want all the other young comics that come on this show and use it as a launching pad to use Hans as an example.Go deeper, go smarter, go clever.
Leave kind of the ejaculation and jerk off material at home and strive to be smart like Hans and you go a lot further in this industry.So good for you, buddy.
Yeah.Thank you, Harvey.Yes, yes.But to that point, if you're a fat guy and you can jiggle your tits, do that.No doubt about it.
Hans, are you enjoying Las Vegas?It's amazing.I found a joint on the ground.Oh, my God.I'm going to smoke it soon.No.Oh.Okay.Weird idea.
Did you ever find a piece of dog shit on the ground?
I mean, we eat that in Asia.Where exactly on the ground did you find this joint that excited you?You're literally rich.
Thank you.I found it right here by the Lyft and Uber pickup area.
Oh, that was mine.Can I get that back?
Of course, Harlan.And you literally found... something wrapped in a rolling paper, and you're like, oh, today's my rucky day.
Do not smoke things that you find on the ground, Hans.
It's so interesting.No matter how much we've watched him grow and watched his life change, there is, like, deep inside of you, this just fucking weird, thrifty, autistic guy.
You found a joint near the Uber Lyft pickup section of a Las Vegas high-traffic fucking casino and hotel. and it excited you?
Very much so.It was one of the best things I found here.
If you could smoke weed with one person in the world, dead or alive, who would it be?
I already smoked weed with Joe Rogan and Tony Hitchcliff.No big deal.Pretty cool.But besides that, probably like Mother Teresa.Oh, wow.
Weird answer.Very weird answer.
Or like fucking some child star, like Haley Joel Osment.Yep, that'd be fun.In his prime.
See what he sees.He's like, I see a fucking Taco Bell two minutes from here.
What did Mother Teresa's bong look like?Uh, wrinkled and, uh, yikes.I said her bong, dude.
It looked, uh, very holy.It looked like a bunch of Indian people coughed on it or something.
Okay, yeah.Feels like a good time to transition.
Hans, you are adored and loved all the way around.Thank you, guys.Defender of his throne.Make some noise for Hans, Cam.
Ladies and gentlemen, as the show has gone even longer than I expected, I announce that this will be your final bucket poll of the night.I only had to pull two names to find our first female comedian of the night.
Your final bucket poll goes by the name of Eunice Martinez.Eunice Martinez. Goddamn, make some noise for Valerie Vaughn.Jesus fucking Christ almighty.Unbelievable.And one more time for Eunice Martinez.
Thank you.Thank you.Oh, man.Speaking of grifty and a lot of cats going missing, I'm what's known as a recovering, milf, mangling, muff muncher. Weird way to say that I date guys now.And I've gone to therapy for my grandma issues.
I know you're not in therapy, that's why we're here together, all right?And with that in mind, I gotta tell you, I'm so impressed with the lineup I've seen and with like the people coming and going.
Because being in Albuquerque right now, the only thing I see coming and going is the stuff out of my yard.And a lot of that has to do with it getting warmer outside and there's a great migration happening from our war zone up to the Sandias.
A lot of you were mad because of unhomed. but I'm not gonna talk about pussy no more.Thank you.
Eunice Martinez.Hello, Eunice.Am I saying that correctly?Eunice?Okay.How do you feel like that went?
I mean, so I mean, I got booed by the men that aren't familiar with pussy, I guess.
I don't know.Ooh, I like that.Attack the audience for not laughing at pussy.
Do they want me to take my shirt off or something?
No, no, no.They definitely don't want that.No.
No.No.I wanted that fat guy to take his shirt off earlier.That's what I wanted.
Eunice, have you done stand-up before?
I actually have been doing it for like eight years and improving.
I'm open to learning.Jesus Christ.Nothing you said made any sense.A recovering milf, what does that mean?
A recovering milf, mangling muncher is a term that I came up with.Basically, I like old ladies.I like gray hair on my pussy is what I am saying when I eat it.
I was for a long time, yeah, and then now they're calling it just like pansexual, I guess.
But you're a recovering MILF, you have a kid.
No, I actually lost it in February, that's why I still have the pouch.
The kid, it was an overachiever, jumped out before time. That's how I refer to miscarriages.It's too antiquated.
You had a miscarriage in February.Yeah, in February.
Yeah, yeah.I wish it was a beer, but it's not.
I guess.We don't talk about it.
My goodness.How far along was the pregnancy?
Like four months, so like right in the half, and then it just went during the halftime.
And you were doing stand-up during this?
No, I was actually a baker.I probably should have been doing stand-up.
Yeah, I'm a baker by trade.
Obviously you don't specialize in buns in the oven.
Yikes.Okay.Okay.Hey.Shh.Shh.Very rarely do you get to do a baker miscarriage joke.
Yeah.That is tonight's new Doritos joke of the night. Now, I do want to ask a personal question.So four months in, so did you know it?You know, because I've dealt with a lot of miscarriages on my show, okay?
And usually there's a feeling that happens when it happens, right?A little bit of, you know, a little pre-fart, okay?There's a signal, a sign.
Did you feel it coming or did it just kind of, you woke up and... I went to the restroom and I was like, that's not supposed to happen.
Can you describe what it was like?Weird sound effect, Red Band.Go ahead.
Like that, kind of like that when it hit the toilet.I was just like, oh shit.
Wait, the baby went in the fucking... For real?
We don't talk about women's health.I'm sorry.You're right.
What do you think caused it?How does this happen?I mean, you're a Mexican woman, right?
I'm a lot of things.I'm mixed.I'm like Cameroonian, Puerto Rican, all this other stuff.That's probably why I got confused.
Uh-huh.Well, the body's a tricky instrument, right?Were you doing anything?You weren't, you know, consuming stuff you shouldn't while pregnant, were you?
Keeping it clean?Yeah.Now, are you going to run it back?Are you trying to find... You said you're recovering.Are you trying to find a new way to get a new baby?
I mean, I was hoping to have my first Las Vegas lady kiss, because I've never had that, but I don't know, I mean... Now.
There she goes, Eunice Martinez.Thank you.Here's a little joke book.It's actually the size of your baby back in February.There you go.Oh, we're so tough.Las Vegas, the home of the Raiders.Oh, we're so tough. Oh, we're groaning.
Oh, I can literally tell which women have had a miscarriage in this room right now by the looks on the faces.No one has, if you think you had a better poker faces here in Las Vegas, oh shit, there's a very angry one.
It's a fucking Lady Gaga fucking standing double middle fingers on that one.Wow.I can literally tell who's had a miscarriage.This is an incredible moment in this show's history.It's a raw comedy show, people. Anything can happen.
Wow, she was fucking terrible.I mean, just nothing, mate.I came up with it myself.Milk, munch, munch, munch, munch, munch, munch.That baby hit the eject button on purpose.That was one of the, we call that early onset suicide.That's what that was.
That is tonight's new Doritos Joke of the Night.
All right.I got good news for you, though.Full recovery coming as I present to you literally one of the biggest superstars in the show's history.This is that moment, ladies and gentlemen.I present to you the great, the powerful Cam Patterson.
Hell yeah.Hey, listen, listen, listen.Hell yeah, listen, listen.Hey, hey.What's up?Let me talk.Wait, I gotta talk.Okay, thank you.
Hell, I know y'all too.Look, hell yeah.I gotta talk now. Why you not clapping, bitch?Clap, fuck, nigga.Thank you.All right, now I gotta talk.Listen, that last bitch was terrible.She was horrible.She was very bad, but she had a fat ass, right?
So at least give her that one, dawg.Y'all know I talk about cities everywhere I go to.I talk about cities everywhere I go, and I like Vegas.I do like it a lot, but it's fucking terrible.You know that, right?It's terrible.
Listen, Vegas is like if you took a piece of shit and put diamonds on it. It's still a piece of shit though, y'all understand what I'm saying?Y'all in the middle of a fucking desert, dawg.It's terrible.I'm gonna tell y'all this.
I changed my outfit for tonight.I changed my outfit.I usually wear a white t-shirt, but today my shirt says, I'm just here to glorify God, and my hat says, all death to all white women, so. That's it?Hold up, I got one more thing.
I used to be a scammer for a long time, before I started doing stand-up comedy, and one time I scammed this one dude, and he supposed to give me some money back.
All I needed was his first and last name and social security number, and I put $25 in his bank account.He gave me everything I needed, but he never gave me half the money.
And I was really mad for a minute, but then I remembered that I had his first, last name, and his fucking social security number.So I called him, I was like, hey, I wanna tell you something, brother.I hope you enjoy the army, because you're going.
Y'all been campin', I thank y'all so much. Shit, man, I've been waiting for a long-ass time.Boy, goddamn.Oh, yeah.You know what I'm saying?You know what I'm saying, Harlow.My hat fell.Don't worry about it.
I'm surprised you didn't jump out early like the last lady's baby did.
Wait, she had a miscarriage?
I looked at her ass.Boy, that shit was thick as fuck.
Well, the good news is a girl like that, you can come inside of her and then the baby's never going to come out all the way.
Yeah. That's good.Abortions are costly.They cost a lot of money, dawg.
Yeah, she takes care of it.Her body takes care of it.
That's pretty cool.What the fuck you got to say, Harlan?You look kind of crazy, right?What you got to say?
I like your shirt, man.Thank you.Are you a man of God?
I love God, yeah.Give me a potato.I love that, buddy.I love that.Good for you.Yes, sir.I love it.
That's good.You don't like God?Fuck, nigga!
Yeah, man, don't be a fucktard. There you got it.Tony, do it again.I got it.Go ahead.Go.You ready?Don't be a fuck.Nigga!Yeah.Now, when you're cold, what?You fucking.Nigga!Oh.Keep going.Yeah.What are you going to do?Steal my wallet, you?
You almost got me, bitch.You almost got me, Tony.No.
I'm not doing that.What are you going to do?Write a rap song?You fucking.No, Tony! Stop it.What are you going to play the keyboard in my band?
I created a monster.We created a monster.This is fun.We created a monster.
This is not good.This is fun, man.I'm sorry one black guy in the crowd.I apologize, nigga.I'm sorry.Yeah.Good.
How did you see him so quick?
You know what I'm saying, we outside, kill the hell yo.
I like his, he's one of the good.No!
This is fucked up, man.This is good.
Wait, Cam, you said Vegas is a piece of shit, but there's gotta be something you love about it, right?
Uh, no.Oh, the whores.The whores is cool.Okay.Everybody talking about the whores.Yeah, y'all got whores.Oh, yeah, sluts, yeah.Every place got sluts, man.
Every place got sluts.I talk about that in my book, yeah.
I read your book.I read it.
I read an audio book.It was good.I liked it.
Fuck yeah.Chapter 15, every place has sluts.
Hell yeah, every place got whores, man.I love a good whore.Don't you love a good whore, Dr. Phil?
Why not?Come on, man.Yeah, it's Wednesday somewhere.
Talk to me, man.Good.All right.
It is Wednesday, isn't it?
That's fucking crazy.Vegas Wednesday feels like a Nebraska Friday.
Tony, I think this is our first Wednesday Kill Tony ever.
Wow.One for the history books, ladies and gentlemen.Now, we did them in Dublin, Ireland, I do believe.Yeah.Wrong as fuck, Redman.Goddamn.Yeah, because we did Dublin, and then Manchester, and then two in London.
You was loud and wrong, too.That's crazy.What?He was just loud and wrong.
Right?Loud and wrong.Hell yeah.
Yeah, well, he can be a real sloppy- No, no.Oh.
Actually, go ahead.Go ahead.
Yeah, he's a real fat- What the fuck is he talking about, man?Oh, I love it.Cam, is there anything else fun you have planned for Las Vegas, Nevada?
Nah, I'm probably gonna fuck up one of them with a $40 whole jolly fucking whip, you know what I'm saying?Actually, right after this, I'm finna go put 500 on black and see what happens.Wow.Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow.Don't wanna see.Wow.Yeah, yeah, yeah.Now, is it racist if I put it on red? And I'm with you.Okay.Yeah, a hundred percent.Okay.
A hundred percent.Asking for a friend.
This is just a suggestion, but try putting 900 on Pauly Shore's blue underpants.
Okay, say less.I didn't even watch that part.It was pretty gay, so I ain't watch it. He walked out, I'm like, I'm not doing this today.Yeah.Yeah, yeah.Did you like Pauly's blue underpants?Nah, I didn't really see it.
I seen it from the back, I'm like, I'm not gonna watch that part.
You gonna see them later or what do you think?Nah, I don't think so.Why not?I don't want to.Why, what's up with you and underpants, man?You love underpants for some reason.You like underpants a lot.
I thought maybe me and you could go hang out with Pauly's blue underpants.
Hey, hey, hey.Let's go.Me and you.Hey, hey, hey. We were this close to seals having sex, man.
What the fuck are you talking about right now, man?
Come on, let's go see Pauly's underpants.Come on.
I'm not going nowhere with you, Harlan.You like blueberries?No.You're going to love his.
I'm allergic to blueberries.
What can I say?Cam Patterson, you've done it again.You're a superstar.The world loves you.The world loves him.How loud can this place get for Cam Patterson? My goodness, one of the longest episodes in the show's history.
Las Vegas, I gotta give you credit.You guys are fucking troopers.It's been a wild ride.A lot of you have been here for about four hours if you were here during audience load-in.And there's only one way to end a show like this.
There's only one possible option I present to you.Hall of Famer, record holder for all time interviews, all time appearances.Some people call him the Vagrant of Las Vegas.The Reno.The Memphis Strangler.The Big Red Machine.This is William Montgomery.
How's it going, Las Vegas, Nevada?I've actually, I've got some huge news.I got a job at the new crypto mining facility they built in Memphis.Excuse me, I'm already suffering from silicon lung.
Weirdly enough, P. Diddy's cellmate is the crypto crook, Sam Bankman Freed.Wait, Bitcoin?More like butt coin.P. Diddy is refusing to eat in prison because he says he'll get poisoned.And I gotta tell y'all, I think he's right.
Since when did Kevin Hart start working in the prison kitchen?Quick housekeeping note, I'm starting a cult.If interested, please see me after the show. Remember the book, Curious George and his friend, the man with the yellow hat?
Do y'all know what that guy's real name is?Red Band! He's a total weirdo.He's got a fucking monkey for a friend.Okay, well, that's my time.Wow.Ladies and gentlemen.God, my fucking shit was falling off during my set the whole time, Tony.
My fucking bosoms are showing.
They are.This is absolutely incredible. I mean, wow, you look stunning tonight, William.Holy fuck, it's Tina Turnoff.It really is. I'm also getting word from the sponsors that Bitcoin, more like butt coin, is the new Doritos joke of the night.
Yeah, I thought that was going to go a little better.I thought they were all going to go a little better, Tony, but... Doritos is donating. Your nipples are out.You have no areola at all.
Wow.Zero areola.Look at that.Just the hard part.Well, that's not what your mom said last night, but she was also sucking on my titties last night.She must have ate them all off.
So she can tell they're a light shade of pink, dumbass.It appears as though Red Band's mother has sucked the pigment off of William's nipples.
Oh, and it felt so good, dumbass!You know what?You know what?Let's cut to a clip.
Okay.Don't have to quit.William's stressed.Just let it fall, William.Just let it fall.This is the first time we've seen the stunning chest of William Montgomery.Wow.
I'm dressed this way.I'm literally, I think I'm going to move to Vegas.I've always wanted to be a Vegas showgirl.I want to start letting my freak flag fly a little more.I've really been keeping it kind of in the closet.
I kind of want to bust on out and just start letting my freak flag fly.And Tony, I think that starts with being maybe a showgirl in Vegas, maybe at RuPaul's Drag Review.I'm going to talk to RuPaul later on tonight.But yeah.
What would your name be?Huh? What would your showgirl name be?Miss Delicious.Oh my goodness gracious.Gross.I was thinking Miss Carriage.
He's like a new Transformer, Optimus Pink.Okay, maybe not.Fuck off.
William, how does it feel walking around in those shoes?
It feels wonderful.I'm actually a natural at it.I've been doing it for the past week.I got these on Amazon a week ago, and I'm a natural at walking around in heels.That's why I think I should do it.Seriously, I mean, look at this.
Honestly, if I, from like the knees up, knees down, knees down, William's hot.Yeah, the legs are nice.
Yo, yo, fuck that.I'm talking from the butt crack up from the back.You look like a peacock.You look like a peacock having a midlife crisis.
Cool.A black peacock, or as I call it, a master peacock.Yeah, but... For those of you No Limit Soldiers fans.Yeah, it's fun.
You look like Mrs. Doubtfire fell down some stairs is what you look like.
Okay, I didn't come here just to get attacked and a fucking mean look.I'm dressed like this.I already lost $5,000 on the slot machines earlier.No, I'm kidding.That was a lie.I lost 500, though, so I'm already in the hole.
See if I can dig myself out of it tonight.And also, I'm looking for a ride.If anybody can give me a ride to White Castle, I have to.Who can give William Montgomery a ride?I gotta get a fucking ride to White Castle tonight.I have to.
Maybe that dumbass who's leaving during my set.Maybe that fucking dumbass.
Let him go.Let him go.He threw up the number one sign while walking away.A lot of Raiders fans here tonight.Fairweather football fans.
Yeah, I mean, the Raiders are nothing like fucking Fremont Street!
No one loves the Fremont Street!
What do you love about Fremont Street?Oh my gosh, well you can actually get hookers from there and I... Oh, the wheels are turning, ladies and gentlemen.I said too much.I've already said too much.In the air jumps.What's your criteria for a hooker?
I need somebody with a giney first and foremost.I gotta have somebody with a giney down there because it seems like sometimes if you get with somebody and they don't have a giney, they got that other thing down there.
It seems like it can sometimes be a problem.So, giney first and foremost. I need soft hands.I need a butt on her fucking ass.I gotta have a butt on that thing.Vagina and a butt.
A vagina and a butt are the qualifying things.Soft hands is also in the mix.
So I could get you the bottom half of a mannequin from Banana Republic?Yes.Yes.Touche.Thank you so much.You got it.
So, William, what else is going on?You have a sweet little belly jiggling when you laugh.When you laugh.Look at your feathers bounce.
I know.You can see my belly button in the middle part.That is, I think, how they made it.They really do.They flock together.
Look out, jiggly tits, Todd.Red Beam, why are you looking at me like this?Your fucking gut looks like that.
William, can you stand on one heel?Like, can you stand on one?
Like a peacock.Wow.That is incredible.
Can you click your shoes together?There's no place like Gnome.There's no place like Gnome.Because you look like a Gnome?Okay, let's move on.
No, I don't know if I could do that.William, you are absolutely stunning.I've never seen anything quite like this.Wow.You look like, um... The Pillsbury Pride Boy. You look like the spokesman for white men for Kamala.Damn right.
Four more years, baby.Four more years!
I'm kidding.Oh boy.A heel turn from one of the most beloved characters in the show's history.William, anything else that we should know about?Are you going to be doing this more often?
Tony, it's so weird.I mean, again, I'm a natural talking, walking in these lurch shoes, so I think there's probably a good chance I...
William Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen.Tits out, jokes out.What a masterpiece.William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.
The Hall of Famer has done it again.
Make some noise for the best damn band in the land, huh? How about, how loud can this place get for Dr. Phil?He's gonna be in Las Vegas at the Virgin Hotel Theater, January 11th.Tickets for his entire tour, AdamRayComedy.com.
And one more time for the great Harlan Williams, ladies and gentlemen, the Harlan Highway. One of the best podcasts out there.I'm going to be doing it soon.I'm also doing Adam's podcast soon.We're going to be having a lot of fun.
I fucking love you two guys.Two legends of the Kill Tony universe.So fun to have you guys here in Las Vegas.Did you guys have fun tonight?
Thank you to everyone, Ari Maddy, Jack Shaw, David Jolly, Jared Nathan, Todd Royce, Uncle Laser, Casey Rocket, Hans Kim, Cam Patterson, William Montgomery, Red Band.Thank you, Vegas!The drumming from Ryan J. Ebel is in.It is absolutely incredible.
We love you guys.Thank you.Good night, everybody.Thank you.Yeah.
