Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.
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And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?
Make some noise for the Red Band!Hey!And how about one more time for the best damn band in the fucking land.
Jesus Christ Almighty, if you guys don't know what goes on here in the pre-shows, it is truly the live music capital of the fucking world, and we flex on it.Have you guys ever heard music like that in your fucking lives?
Make some noise for Groovline Horns down here, crushing.Fernando Castillo.Carlos Sosa.Raul Vallejo.Michael Gonzalez.
Huevos Rancheros. Queso enchilada.Matt Mueling on the guitar, ladies and gentlemen.Holy shit.John Deas, the leader of it all back here.Dee Madness on the bass guitar.
And you guys, sorry, you guys didn't get to see her on this show, but how about one more time for the lovely Summer, everybody.Solstice?Solstice. Un-fuckin'-believable.
She works here at Mitzi's, and it's just incredible, the talented people that work here on so many different levels.We have fuckin' jujitsu champions, fuckin' singers, everybody.It's unbelievable.So, yeah, a lot of special stuff happening.
Before we get tonight's episode started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.
Are you guys ready to start the fucking show or what?You are here.You are the lucky ones that we're able to be here on this night, just like every other episode I book.
sometimes two, sometimes three, and on very special nights, just one of the very best comedians in the world.This is one of those nights where I love this guest so much that I like to let the show breathe.
I like to be able to fucking sit back and let me and the guest and Red Band's wacky soundboard fucking do some work and
really drive home the backbone of this show, which are the people pulled out of the bucket and the regulars that we get to watch grow.Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guest, one of the front runners for guest of the year.
Ladies and gentlemen, a freak of nature.This is one of those guys, much like many of you may not have known Tim Dillon before he was Tim Dillon or Shane Gillis before he was Shane Gillis.This is one of those guys where it is a ticking time bomb
If you don't know, the rest of the world will know, this is one of the best stand-up comedians in the fucking world.Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great and powerful Sam Tallent!
Oh yeah, baby!Oh yeah!He is here!He's back!Let's fucking go! This is where the magic happens.That's a fucking luling.
We're gonna have some goddamn fun tonight.263 people have signed up for the show.Sam, how are you?Welcome back.
I mean, I'm a bit misty-eyed, honestly.That was such a nice intro, and these people, the fucking Kill Tony fan base has changed my life, and you guys buy tickets, and you come to the shows, and I'm just so grateful to be a part of this community.
Sorry, I'm opening sincerely.That's not why you're here.That's good.Let me be vulnerable immediately.Yes.That's a key to success here at Kill Tony.But yeah, I mean, I was in Rome, I was in Amsterdam, I was in Dublin, man.
Where do people get tickets for your shows?Samtalent.com.Samtalent.com with two L's in that talent.By the way, I forgot to mention, this episode is brought to you by Squarespace, Talkspace, GameTime, Shopify, and ZipRecruiter.
Ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching. 260 people signed up for tonight's episode.This bucket is absolutely filled.I mean, this is thick and girthy.I don't know if you guys see this fucking shit.
And I literally, I mean, I always do that, but you can't really tell.There's so many in there.And I like to get down and in.Oh yeah, you dig it out.I do.I like to fucking see if I can fucking make it squirt.
You should look the bucket in the eye if you're going that deep on it. Yeah, that's a nasty little bitch of a bucket.
Oh, can I say something yeti real quick?Absolutely.
There's a comedy club in London that won't book me unless I get to 100,000 followers on Instagram.So if you motherfuckers could follow me on Instagram, at Sam Talent, so that I can not work that club once I've achieved that goal, that would be...
Oh, yeah, that would be huge.All right.
You're a theater act now, Sam.
Well, plenty of tickets available in Bridgeport, Connecticut.
Well, yeah, you could look back at the at the highlight reel of times that I've talked about Connecticut on the show and see that almost nobody can sell tickets in Connecticut unless you are
literally a retarded retard, in which case- That's my issue.They're like, this guy is like us, and I'm gonna go see the retarded retard, because I live in Connecticut, truly the most garbage place in America.It's unbelievable.
My advice, just don't perform in Connecticut.Make them drive, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, and then make them drive to Madison Square Garden.That's what I do.
Yeah, well, I won't be doing Madison Square Garden anytime soon, so please make the drive to Bridgeport. Uh, they added a Thursday, so that's insane.They were like, hey, no one's coming to Friday and Saturday.Why don't you come in a day early?
So, thank you all. Congrats on MSG, guys.That's a big moment.
In comedy history, that's huge.
It's unbelievable.A lot of other fun stuff coming up.A lot of big announcements happening.It's all very, very exciting.Just in case this is the first time you're watching this show, if this is your first Kill Tony, we have to tell you that...
I pre-pulled the name.That person's getting wrangled from the bar across the street.When they get up here, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.
That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And that interrupts them, and then I conduct an interview.
We find out more about them, what makes them interesting, what they could talk about, how they could possibly be better or get better, or sometimes just a superstar.And we find them, and it happens, and their career thrives here on Kill Tony.
Anything can happen.You guys ready to start tonight's show? While we wrangle that comedian from across the street, I have a regular for you guys.And he is a superstar. His adventure started very, very recently.
Meanwhile, he's considered a heavy fan favorite in the history of the show.On this adventure of his, as he continues to conquer all of his goals, the number one goal is still amongst us, which is making a citizen of the United States of America.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand-new minute from the Estonian assassin, Ari Maddix!
I love you, too. I love Texas.I love it.I do have to say one thing as a European, though.Open carry is fucking bananas.I've never seen so many guns in the wild before.Everybody's got guns here.I went to Whole Foods, saw a mother with a gun.
Just two kids and a gun. And you could see these kids listen.You can tell these kids go to bed by 10 p.m.or there's gonna be a homeschool shooting.I could never have a gun.I'm a psycho.I could never walk around with the ultimate argument finisher.
Every interaction I'm in would escalate.I would be at the McDonald's like, oh, the ice cream machine is off.Turn it on.Thank you.
And that is how it's done.
Superstar Ari Maddy has done it again Hey, somebody has your merch Sam.
I know I know get it on at Sam town on Instagram The replaying tennis on a yacht today Ari that is
Well, usually you have shorts on too, so I figured I'll do a little thing, but now this motherfucker long pants.Fuck.
So first you're stealing my job, and now my look?
I do know I look fucking nautical today. Look at that thing.
Speaking of nautical, look at the fucking compass on this fucking guy.That thing's pointing north, south, east, and west.Holy shit.I don't know which direction.Whoa, don't touch it like that, Ari.Oh, my God.Oh, Jesus.What?I see your Estonias.
Oh, my goodness.I see your Latvia and your Lithuania. Holy shit, looks like a goddamn vodka bottle in there.
My goodness.I don't actually, my dick is like cookie, but I have huge balls, bro.
Yeah, you got those Ari fatties.
You might think it's big, but you don't know it's 80% balls.My dick looks like it's on a bean bag.
You're so European, you literally have soccer balls.Incredible.That is the total package you have there.
My eyes are up here, Tony.
I'm sorry, I'm still thinking of dick jokes.It is incredible. It is amazing.
What do you think, huh?You like it?
Oh, shit.Look out.That Latino guy will get you pregnant.You keep putting that thing in your face like that.That's what they do.Why are you saying no?Oh, he's black?Is that what he told you?All right.That's an illegal immigrant.
Hey, I'm African-American.I swear to God, no, I'm black, dude. Don't do it those streets and me, I mean 23 and me.Oh wait, that's not the genetic one.I fucked that up.Trumpet guy getting involved.You just fucking woke up, I guess.
The Mexicans are always excited to claim one of their own over here.What do you guys think?He look black to you?No.Okay, Gonzalez says no.Carlos Sosa gives a shaky hand.Fernando Castillo? Raul Vallejo says, hard no.I mean, that is a hard no.
I'll say it.You look black.What do you do for work, sir? A what?A producer.
He's British.I'm a fucking producer.I'm a producer.
I'm a producer.Oh, hello.Welcome to another episode of Black British Guy. I'm a producer here.I secured seats to the front row of the show.
I'm just like any other black guy, hanging out with a Mexican woman, looking Mexican.You're black, too?You guys are all fucking... What is going on?What is this, the Kamala Harris section?You guys are not black.You're not black.
You're not black.You're not black. Welcome to Kill Tony.This is Kill Tony.
All right.We're going to check in with John Deas, our senior black correspondent here.
Yeah.Thanks for asking me first.And we should ask him questions to see if they're black.
Welcome to another episode of How Black Are You?They just covered, they both just covered up their faces like that, by the way.
Whoa, I didn't see your fingernails.She is black.
I'm starting to see it now.I'm starting to see it.Ari, put that microphone up to the gentleman's face.What's your name, sir?
Oh, my name's Quincy.Hello.Oh, I'm from the mean streets of... Oh, Abbey Road.Oh.Oh.Toodaloo.And hooty-hoo.Oh, I'm so black.
All right!What are you producing, Quincy?Music.Okay, what kind of music?
Oh!British rap music, hello!
You've heard of the Black Beatles, perhaps?Song by Ray Strummond?
The rhythm of the street speaks to me, isn't it?
Perhaps you've heard some of my songs, Queen Coonta.
What?Do you do any of the rapping?No, no, no, just the music.No, you just do the background music.Okay.How can we find some of your music?It's on Spotify.It's on Spotify.It's on Spotify.
Oh, yes.How would we find it?You're about to blow the fuck up right now, whether you want to or not.
Type in... No, put in a... Wait, what kind of producer?
I'm thinking of a song.Put in Burning.Burning, it's called GRM and then Burning.GRM Burning?Yeah, that's one of the songs.GRM.
You sound really excited for this.
Red Band doesn't know how to spell G-R-M, so it's just gonna be a second here.You can spell G-R-A-V-Y.No, I don't think there's a G in it.Is this it, with M. Huncho?Yeah.Uh-oh, he doesn't look excited.Let's hear a little bit of it.Bloody hell.
Another beautiful day.Where are my homies at?I cannot seem to find them.
Let's have some bloody tea.
Oh my goodness, the trolley is late.But I'm on time.
All right, all right, all right.You win, British black guy.
This is a crazy show.Sometimes you can make it big from the front row at this fucking show.That's a fucking, you got some beats there, dude.
That was way better than I expected, to be honest.
Holy shit. I like how it started Chinese.
We really cannot put a finger on this guy's race.No.Hey, keep him guessing, brother.All right?Amazing stuff.What a way to get it started.Ari, you are the fucking man.Thank you so much, everybody.Thank you.I cannot wait to see it happen.
We are one election away from Ari Maddy becoming an American citizen.I'm positive of it.Oh, it's the lovely Heidi. All right.And so it begins.We move on to the bucket.This is where we find our next.It could be anything can happen here.
It's where we found all of our regulars.It's where we found every golden ticket winner that's ever been on this show.Sometimes it's a crazy person.Sometimes it's a person that's been doing it a long time that buckles under the pressure.
Sometimes it's someone that's brand new that thrives.Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pool of the night with 60 seconds uninterrupted goes by the name of Tom Feeback.Here we go, Tom Feeback.
What's up, guys?I have a girlfriend.Yeah, we've been trying to spice up our sex life a little bit recently.You know, like the other day she gave me road head.Yeah, and that's a great time until the Uber driver kicks you out.That is not a good time.
I'm poor.I think I did the poorest thing you could do recently, and that's donate plasma.That has to be the brokest shit you could do.
Whenever you go to donate plasma, they always make you do this questionnaire, and all the questionnaire wants to know is if you're gay.That's the entire... First question, have you had sex with a man?I'm like, no.
Next one was, have you had sex with a man even once?I'm like, that's the same exact question. And then they give you one to throw you off the scent a little bit.They're like, have you eaten today?I'm like, yeah, I ate.
They're like, yeah, pretty hungry after sucking on that cock, huh?I'm like, no, just here for my $40, dude, just... I don't know.They have signs in that place.They'll say something like, today you saved a life.
I don't give a fuck about saving someone's life.You could literally tell me what you do with my plasma is we take it and we make nuclear bombs with it.I'd be like, you said $40, right?You said 40? I'll fucking kill him, dude.Fuck it.
All right, guys, that's everything.Thank you.Tom Feeback.
Tommy.What's up, Tony?How you doing, Sam?Solid 60 seconds.This is your first time on the show?It's my second time on the show.OK.Awesome.Awesome.How long you been doing stand-up?Almost four years now.Four years.Where at?Chicago.And now you live here?
Yeah, I've been here.Yeah. How long have you lived here for?I've been here for about four months now.Okay.How do you like it?How's it going?
So far, so good.You know, just doing spots around town, getting up as much as I can.Okay.Yeah.
All right.I like the Shane Gillis posture that he had on stage.Oh, yeah.Yep.Shane came along, and now everyone fucking stands like this, like they're hiding half a hoagie.
Every white kid you see do stand-up now.Then they do hand behind the back, which no one's ever done that's a human being before.This is an insane way to stand, but hey, man, it's okay.I was a big John Panett guy, so that's why I'm morbidly obese.
I'm a hand behind the back guy.I didn't realize that was a... I've never had anyone make fun of it before.
Well, yeah, no one's brave. You guys are kingmakers, but you're my friends now, so... That's true.
That's on you.The double-handed thing, I have noticed recently.It is a thing.It is a New York, Chicago thing.It's like you're trying to smuggle a Bud Light tall can into the movies.I love it.So, Tom, what do you do for a living?
We went over this last time.I'm doing Uber Eats.
We're going to go over some stuff that we went over last time.How dear.
Oh, I apologize.Yeah.Right now I'm doing Uber Eats.Uber Eats?
Uber Eats, yeah.OK.All right.How's that going for you?I don't know.It kind of sucks.It's a shit job.Tell us about it.What are some things that we wouldn't know about an Uber Eats driver?Because I order a lot of food. Oh yeah?Almost every single meal.
And I always wonder, like, what the fuck?Can I tell you something that drives me crazy?You have a car, right?Yes.Yeah.I ordered sushi the other night.
You think he delivers in a rickshaw?
Well, no, it gets, this is, it's wild.I ordered sushi the other night and I went a little crazy, right?I got one of those platter trays, right?And then my fucking Uber Eats is like, yeah, OK, your driver is gone.
And there's a little bicycle icon there. And then I'm like, you gotta be fucking kidding me, right?I like went big on this one, right?Like 120 bucks and fucking sushi.And I'm already picturing the thing, right?
It shows you a picture of the fucking, it's the platter.It's not like I got fucking four rolls or whatever, where it would be like a rectangle.
You can just say you're rich, Tony.Yeah, no, they know. They know.
They know.Thanks to Squarespace, Talkspace, GameTime, Shopify, and ZipRecruiter, I got the fucking platter.God damn it.I worked my ass off for this platter.It's all I ever wanted.It's all I ever needed.
Anyway, and I see the bicycle and I know right fucking away.I know right away.I'm like, there's no way that this bicycle has the fucking infrastructure to handle this platter.
This fucking guy is gonna shove this thing in a fucking backpack long ways.And sure enough, I get it.And everything's on fucking one side.It's all smushed together.Yeah.
Was it hard to eat it in your ivory tower?No. Did it make it difficult for your slaves to feed it to you in bed?It was.
The altitude was getting to them.They were wobbly with the chopsticks.The blindfolds didn't make it when they came over. I was so delusional, I thought that I was hanging out with a bunch of British rappers for a second.
Have you seen the person walking icon yet?Where it's like, your order will be there in 30 minutes.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
It's happened twice.Oh my, you must have a low Uber Eats rating or something for God to punish you like that.
Tom, you can say something funny as well. Just letting you guys do your thing.
I'm just letting you guys do your thing.
But you have a car you're delivering?
Yeah, just delivering a car, yeah.What kind of car is it?A Honda Accord.Oh, my goodness.Yeah.
No, no, just a sedan, four-door sedan.Four doors, look at you.Yeah.Wow.
Balling out of control.Balling out, yeah, yeah.OK.Any crazy orders that you've had recently, or anything go wrong, or go good, or?
No, it's mostly the names that are, like, trip me up sometimes.Yeah?Yeah.What do you mean?Well, there was one name that I had to pick up for, and it was basically the N-word.
Whoa, you're talking about one of those Quincy's?
You know who we left out of the conversation when we were deciding if Quincy was black?Was this dangerous white supremacist right there.
Oh yeah, look at this stone cold killer.
I see.This guy saw Trump's post about Owen too on assassination attempts, he's like, Soon.Oh, yeah.
Tom, what do you think?Is he black enough for you?
Yeah, yeah, he's black enough, I think, yeah.
I don't know what's... I still see a little Latino in him.I would describe him as a wet black.
Oh, oh, oh.We came for Kill Tony.We didn't expect a joke like that.Oh no, we never heard nothing like that before on the Jimmy Fallon show.This isn't what we expected.
Bro, you heard the fucking beat he made.Come on now.
Credit where credit's due.You heard the beat he made.
All right, Matt.Jesus, what are you, his fucking lawyer?
Oh, my God.How dare you continue the jokes on Quincy?I mean, you heard the beat.Objection, Tony.
Objection.My God.Jesus Christ almighty.Your turn, Tom.
You know what?I changed my mind.I don't think he's black.I don't think he's... Oh, look how pissed Matt is.
He looks Dominican to me, to be honest.Whoa!Look out.Dominican Republic.DR. Dr. Dre.All right.Dr. Dre.Back to you, Tom.What's happened interesting in your life since the last... I can't remember your last set.Did it go good?
Was it... It wasn't as good as that.
No, I think it went well.Sam was on the episode last time.I got the big joke book.You know, I thought it went solid.Since then... People have been trying to scam me to do headlining sets since they saw my Kill Tony thing.
Scam me.Scam.Scam you.Tell me more about that.
This is a very interesting thing that people would love to know about.
I got a message on Instagram and he's like, yeah, come out and do my show.I'll pay you all this stuff. He's like, I'll send you a chauffeur.I'll pay for your hotel flight.And I was like, this has to be a scam.No way.No one wants me that bad.
And then he just stopped messaging me.What do you think happened exactly?
Did he watch your whole set?
Uh, what do I think happened?Uh, I think, uh, I think, I think, cause I wasn't, well, he wanted me to send, uh, my bank info to him and I just.
You didn't say that he wanted you to perform in Ethiopia.This is incredible.Or wait, no, that's not it.Nigeria?It's close enough.
We're taking a lot of shots, man.They're not all going to go in.Yeah, exactly.We're not Quincy on the court.
Amazing, amazing.Where was this gig going to be at?
It said Baltimore, I think.Somewhere in Maryland, outside Baltimore.So you know they're shady, you know?
Yeah.Might have been real.There's not a gig in the world. that will need your bank info, by the way.Just a little something for all the listeners out there.
Do not get excited about a gig that needs your... Well, first he said he wanted my bank info to wire the money, and then he said he was going to email me a check. Oh.I don't think you email checks.I'm not a financial guy.You were excited though.
You're like, yeah.Oh yeah.I'll do anything for $200, dude.I'll do it.He was going to fly you, chauffeur you.Well, yeah, that's how I knew it was a scam.I'm like, no, this doesn't add up, you know?Well, yeah.My God.
Don't do anything for 200, huh?
There you go.Someone's on the secret show this week.Don't look at me when you're horny.I love it.Well, Tom, very fun times.Another rock-solid appearance.You already have a big joke book.
You did it again, taking advantage of your time here in Austin, Texas, and showing the world what's up.There he goes, Tom Fieber.Thank you.And it goes on and on.Can't understand how I last so long.I must have superpowers.
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Here we go, Darren Jones.60 seconds.
Talked to Jesus last night.It was deep.He said, they've been trying to come back for centuries, but these hoes keep aborting. Like, goddamn, it's a crucifixion with some shit, but them pussy vacuums.He said he tired of going through that shit, man.
He'd rather just say fuck coming back.For real, like, shit deep.He said, like, niggas gonna see fire and brimstone before he have to settle for some Catholic pussy.That shit ain't happening.That shit ain't happening at all. It's fucked up, man.
Might not ever see the Christ again, because of these hoes, man.What type of shit is that?It's going to be damnation around this motherfucker.It's my time, yeah.
All right.Darren Jones, welcome to the show, Darren.This is your first time here, right?Yes, sir.I love it.Grab that mic.Let's talk about it.I love it.Welcome, welcome.
Big opportunity, wore your best slides.Hell, yeah.Yeah.I had to, man. I love it.
I love it.Slides and jokes are coming out like Scamp Patterson.I love it.
Hey, real quick, you just did pretty good.If anyone offers you $200 to go to Baltimore, take it, all right?
Right, right, right, right.Absolutely.Welcome, welcome, Darren.How long you been doing stand-up?For about a year and a half, two years.And before that, you were doing angry poetry? Yeah, something like that.Something like that?Really?Nah, nah.
Oh, okay.Rapping, so it's kind of the same.You were rapping?Yeah.Were you rapping about the lost tribe of Israel?
Rastafari.I and I. What do you do for a living?Well, right now, I work for a fencing company.You've been working for a fencing company?
What do you fence?Stolen goods? Sorry, D, it's a pun, sir.It's a synonym joke.
So you build fences here in Texas?I don't build them.I actually work in a lumber yard where I just... Really, all the builders are Mexican.You know what I'm saying?You build the Mexicans?Yeah, nah.
All the builders are Mexicans, but everybody who work in the yard ain't Mexican.And they keep you in the yard?Yeah, yeah.
Is it like a yard like a field?Nah, nah. When you say a yard... How do they keep you in?Yeah.They have a fence around the fencing that you have to stay in?Nah, nah.
Okay.Now, are you typically dangerously stoned?Is that... Do you usually roll around the highest man allowed by law? Nah, I don't even smoke, man.
What?Whoa.What?This is amazing.You smoked so much that you just stuck like that at some point?That's probably what happened.This is incredible. This is absolutely amazing.You're so chill.You're so, uh... Ivory is the term.Yeah.
Absolutely.I love it.So what else do you do for fun?
I'm trying to do comedy for fun, though.I mean, shit, nothing lately but working and trying to do comedy, man.It's expensive down here.
I love it.I love it.You're surviving, though. Yes, sir.I love it.But you rap sometimes, you said.I used to.Yeah?Yeah.If we gave you a little beat, could you give us a little example of a rap right now?Oh, yeah, I can do that.Sounds great.
Tell Michael what you want there, if there's a specific type of beat or whatever.These guys can do anything.I can go off anything.Okay, well, there you go.Oh, shit.
I ain't freestyled in a minute.Put that mic right up so that we can all hear you.I ain't freestyled in a minute, but fuck it, it's time to get up in it.I like papa on the spinach, but if a nigga disrespect, I got the smithin'.
Wesson, if y'all ain't get it.Up here, kill Tony, open mic, rappin' and shit.Man, I used to be trappin' and shit, but I'm a changed man. Right now, comedy the motherfucking game plan.Check it out.We want to speak about it?Shit, I'm on the stage.
I'm a geek about it.I'ma call my fucking fam after this shit.Tell them how I met that crazy nigga Hinchcliffe.I think I gotta drop the mic after that flow.Y'all need one minute.Y'all want me to go.
Quincy, do you want to make him an offer?Let's take this thing all the way back to Essex, Quincy, come on.
I will keep him in my yard.Do you have a passport?
I love it.Very, very chill, very mellow.You're like Wyclef Yawn.Amazing.
How long you been rapping for?Since I was a kid.I remember my first rap.
Yeah, it was my first rhyme, I should say.I hit him in the face, then I spray him with some mix. I was like six, like.Wow.Yeah.Bar shoes.
So you peaked early.How bad was your home life if that was your first rap?Was that about mom's new boyfriend?
Nah, nah, nah.Something cool to say.
Oh yeah.I get cool stuff.I say cool stuff all the time.
Amazing.Amazing.That's what made me, like, start comedy, actually.It was, uh, Bill Burbitt, where I seen his transition into, like, where he said, that's what's funny about Hitler.
And that remind me, like, when you on a certain rhyme scheme, when you switch, like, the rhyming word up to a different-sounding word, like, you got to make it smooth, and they got to hit hard.You know what I'm saying?So, I was like, mm.I made that.
That hit me right there, like a bar.Like, mm. I think I can try to do this, you know what I'm saying?
I know what you're saying.I believe.Yes.
Your vibe is correct. It is incredible.How old are you, Darren?36.Meanwhile, you look like your own grandmother.That's incredible.It's unbelievable.
You look like you speak for the trees.
Whoopee.I love it.Darren, you have a love life?You been going on dates or you got a girl or what's going on?
Oh, nah, I'm going through a divorce.
How long were you married?Since 2015, December.Okay.But this is gravy, though, man.She still, she cool, we cool.
Yeah, she moving back home.
So you got the country in the divorce?
We've been doing this a long time.I love it.I love it.So why did the divorce happen?What happened?
Oh, nah, oh, cause she moving back to her country and I don't wanna go with her.I'm American, God damn it.
Do you miss her?Do I miss her?She ain't gone yet.
What, you haven't finished the job?
Nah.When she told you that, uh, when she told you that she was going back to Zimbabwe, how did she say it? Again, we've been doing this a really long time.
I saw you guys scheming and it paid off.
Little Jordan and Pippen shit going on over here.Fucking little pick and roll, you know what I mean?It doesn't really matter what she said.That was going to be the answer anyway. Um, amazing.
So her ultimatum was, move back to Zimbabwe with me, or we divorce.
Um, something like that.We actually came to the decision ourselves.Because I told her, because she wasn't fully happy, like... Wait, what?Because we came to the decision because we sat down and talked about it.
And I told her, like, she said, I always said it was more chaotic over here.It was like, she got her bachelor's in nursing.She still ain't happy.I'm like, just go home and see if you good over there.
It's more chaotic. Here than in Zimbabwe.What the fuck is Zimbabwe like?That is not how I would have pictured things.
Does she carry things on her head or something?Like baskets?
What the fuck?Red band, stick to the soundboard. Stick to the wacky sound effects, Red Band.It is truly your bread and butter.Oh my God.
Yeah, it's unbelievable what you just said.Did she have baskets on her head?
But where she from in Zimbabwe?Like, they only got electricity from 2 a.m.to 4 a.m., like.Are you serious?Yeah, they broke as hell over there.
She wanted to go back to that instead of be married to you?Yeah.Oh, that's tough.
So wait a second, they, wait, no, Red Band, how did you, what did you type in to find that picture?A black woman with basket of fruit balanced on head in Zimbabwe. I mean, did you just make that with AI?What did you type in?
Is that what you type, Zimbabwe baskets on head?It is literally a ton of image with black people with baskets on their head.I'm actually impressed that you knew that stereotype about Zimbabwe.
This is one of the most... I've never seen you this happy before.I've never seen him this smart before.I've never seen him nail a cultural stereotype like this.Have you seen a woman with a basket of fruit on her head in Zimbabwe?Have I seen it?Yeah.
Nah.Do you think your wife has seen it? Pretty sure, yeah.Yeah, absolutely.So they really only have electricity for two hours in the middle of the night, so you have to plug your phone in then and just fall asleep and wake up with it kind of charged?
Yeah, that's why I couldn't do that shit before.
So why would she go through all the work of getting a degree, moving to what we all, up until now, consider the greatest country in the world, What is it?Is it family that she misses?
Yeah, that's mostly it, family, and it's less stressful.Right, right.
Were you still having sex?It's been almost 10 years.Were you kind of like, uh, kind of, you know, was it kind of slowing down a bit?
I bet those slides got her wet.
Yeah.Nah, I was hitting them cheeks right.You were hitting the cheeks right.Yeah.Right. And she was still giving you head like a fruit basket?Yeah. This is the stupidest show on planet Earth.I can't believe it's wildly successful.
It doesn't really make any sense.Just giving you head like a fruit basket.Like what other fucking, you know, it's just unbelievable.What else are Zimbabweans known for?Is that right, a Zimbabwean?I'll tell you what, yeah.
Zimbabwe has a very troubled history.If you meet a white guy from South Africa, you're nervous.If you meet a white guy from Zimbabwe, leave the falconry yard.You gotta get away.The Rhodesian army?Am I insane?Nah, you about right.Facts.
As we say. They had the same president for like 60 years and he died and everybody hated him, but now they got somebody even worse than him, so they want the old nigga back.
That's what happens.That's what happens.Sounds like somewhere else that I kind of know of.Yeah.
You want to reinstill a dictatorship?Is that what you're saying?
Hey, I'm fucking down at this point.So, Darren, very fun stuff.I loved your interview.I love your style.Great stuff.Here's a big joke book. Welcome, welcome to the Kill Tony universe.That is the Kill Tony debut of Darren Jones.
And we are off to a very hot start.This is very exciting.This is the return of a guy that's been doing this show forever.He was on the show in L.A., in the main room.He's been on at Vulcan Gas Company.He's been on here, ladies and gentlemen.
This is the return of Dan Nolan, a very rock solid comedian.A brand new minute by Dan Nolan.
How's it going?I like trans porn.A lot of people think that that makes you gay if you like trans porn.I disagree.You know what does make you gay?Chemicals that the government's been putting in our drinking water.
No, I don't think it's gay to like trans women.The way that I look at it, I like women so much, I don't even care if they have giant, beautiful penises.I'll suck a lady's penis, that's not gay.You guys are gay, shut up. I'm really tall.I'm 6'5".
A lot of insecurities with being tall.I always thought that I had a small penis.Turned out it was just far away.Me and my girlfriend are trying to have a baby.We're getting all the tests done and stuff.I just got my sperm tested.
It was a blindfolded taste test. Almost everyone preferred Pepsi.All right, thank you guys.
Unbelievable. Unbelievable.Another rock-solid minute by Dan Nolan.
So many jokes in that minute, too.He's so good.That was great, man.Yeah.Dude, it's been years.I haven't been on the show.I was on the last Comedy Store show.That was the last one I was on.Wait, really?Yeah, I was never on in Austin.Really?Yeah.
Dude, I fucking signed up like 50 fucking times.
In my head, it's like a Berenstain Bears thing, or in our case, the Bean from Chicago. Like, I could have sworn that you've been on the show everywhere.
Nah, never in Austin.Wow, that's fucking crazy.No, yeah, we just see each other everywhere.It's like whatever.
Yeah, out there on the streets, hustling.You're always going up and doing shows.
Yeah, Daddy Red Band's my boss now.Working over at fucking Sunset.It's been years. Yeah.So tell the people.None of these people know who I am.I was on the show a long time ago before millions of... Does anybody remember me from the old days?
No, Dan, come on.Let's just answer my question.All right.No, shit's really good.I got a great girlfriend.We're getting serious.We are trying to have a baby.How long have you been with her?Two years.Where'd you meet her at?Just on Hinge.Okay.
What was your first date?We went to some coffee place in Mueller. Okay.
Yes.Absolutely.She's Belarusian.
Very good. All you need is a pear and a burlap sack and she's yours forever.Yes.
Congratulations on your budding love.Thank you.That's great.Belarusian.So she carries fruit baskets on her head?What are Belarusians known for?
Uh, they make really good tractors.Wow.She went to the same college as Lee Harvey Oswald's wife.Okay.Wow.That's the two things that Belarus is famous for.Wow.And ballet.Oh yeah, the Bolshoi, right?Yes, they're strong on their feet.
Bleeding toes, these women.Yeah, she did ballet.
Yes. Yeah.Amazing.Uh, so, uh, you're trying to have a baby.What are you doing to try to have a baby?What exactly are you doing?Uh, you just, you like, is there a special thing that you do?Do you like hold her upside down or anything?
I had to take like a bunch of fertility hormones and stuff like, uh, Did you you got your sperm test and you have a low sperm count?No, I have like a crazy high sperm count now.
It's insane Yeah, yeah before yeah, I was taking testosterone for like four years So then I had to stop and I had to take shit so that I to get like jumpstart my balls again, right HCG No, I was taking a cheesy while I was on test and then I got off and I'm now taking or I'm not taking anymore I was taking clomiphene.
What about PCP ever tried that?Oh
Yeah.I have not.Get wet and then get wet, you know?Well, the Belarusian soil is notoriously infertile.You know?There's been various plagues and blights that have ruined their... It's true.You got to fucking till the soil over and over again.Yeah.
Yep.That's how you do it.
Going with the spade, you know?
So when you're coming inside of her, do you go all the way in and just stay all the way in?Or is it more of a keep pumping and try to shoot it in there type of thing?I've always been kind of curious, because I avoid making children.I have my own.
I don't know if you've met William Montgomery.I have my own children here that I'm raising.It's a very hard job.But I don't know how to make a baby.
Are you doing it like the BB gun at the carnival, or like filling the clown's mouth?
That a boy.Yeah.So what are you doing?Just kind of, yeah, yeah.Leaving it in for a second.
Leave it in for a sec.Let it, let it marinate for a second, right?
You are a romantic.Sweet boy.It's like prepping chicken thighs for you.
Do you, like, scoop it back in, like, when it, like, comes out?Yeah.
Yeah, Red Band's like, do you blow it back in there with a scuba fucking... Yeah.Blow it in.No, yeah, blow it in.That's Red Band.Yeah, genius.Ever since you were right about Zimbabwean fruit baskets, you got a real swagger about you, Red Band.
All right.This is amazing.So what else is going on?Other than pumping away, trying to make babies, anything else we should know about you, Dan?
Uh, no, just chilling, working.
You work at Sunset Strip Comedy Club.
Yeah, I'm also like an engineer during the day.Oh, wow.Look at that.
Look at the staff you have, Red Band, working over there.
Forgot to use the mic.He's been working on the ceilings for almost a year and a half.It's incredible.
I'm the only one that can reach him.Incredible.Absolutely amazing.Well, Dan, I love it.The last time you were on, since it was in L.A., I'm assuming you don't even have one of these.Yeah, never.Ladies and gentlemen, there you go.
It's from the great Bones Eye.I'd love to have you on The Secret Show also, especially if you're working.All right, thank you guys.Make some fucking noise for Dan Nolan.He's signed up over 50 times.
That's 50 fucking weeks of lingering around hundreds of other people at a big, dreary bar known as Poor Choices on Sixth Street.And he finally got back up again.All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Mike Hammock.
Make some noise for Mike Hammock, everybody.
What's up, guys?I'm out here from Colorado Springs from a very traditional, conservative Colorado Springs family.My grandparents were married for 62 years.They died four minutes apart.Sounds sweet.
The doctors tell us that's very common in murder suicides.Pretty much.Par for the course is what he said.America's got a lot of problems.I think none worse than women in their 20s having too much confidence.
Listen, I was hanging out with a comic and his girlfriend, couple of her friends were out, we had drinks, we got a little silly.One of them gives me like a half boob flash and looks me dead in the eyes and goes, I bet I'm hotter than your wife.
Yeah, what do you say?I panicked.I don't know what to say.I'm like, yeah, maybe you're 22, but you're not hotter than my house and kids.Like I have a 3% mortgage.You think I'm gonna risk that on fucking you?Are you out of your goddamn mind?
It's a pre-COVID mortgage.What are you doing right now? What are your tits made out of, custody?Get the fuck out of here.Oh my God.I feel like that was the minute.I feel like that was it.That was the minute.
Yeah, you did it, dude.That's what it's like.Welcome, welcome.Thank you.I love it.How long have you been doing standup comedy?How you doing?12 years.
12 years.Where at?Denver.Denver with Sam.Amazing.He's a fucking, you're funny now.This is great. Yeah.When you came out, I was like, ooh, okay, check your phone.But no.It was great, Mike.Way to go, buddy.Thank you.You win ball.
That sucks, but... Yeah, I had two kids.I had two kids during the pandemic, so that's what fucking happens.And did you become a pedophile for the mustache, too?
I like to jog, and so it makes me feel like people see me with kids, they start chasing us, and that's what the mustache is for.
Not really good at riffing, Mike.
Still, you know... I got to bully you a little bit, Mike.That was good, buddy.
Got good at the craft, not with the arts.You know what I mean?So Mike, I love it.This is amazing that you're from Denver.Literally, I would say, without a doubt, top five comedy scenes in the country.
And one of the greats from Denver, Sam Talen's here.So you remember seeing him less funny, as we've seen this a billion times with people that have stuck with it, done it for a long time.
He was so unfunny, I didn't like him.But now, now I'm charmed, man.That was great, dude.Oh, thank you.
You're headlining on the road and shit, right?Yeah, I'm going out a little bit.The kids have slowed me down the last couple of years, but I just booked a place in Michigan.How old are the kids?Three and one.
Three and one.Girls?Boys?Both boys.Both boys.Look at you.Dan Nolan's jealous.He's out there shooting blanks like fucking... Meanwhile, you look like the one that would need fertility drugs.I actually just got cut.I just closed Chubb's shop.
Oh, my God.That is incredible.
Looks like he needs HIV drugs.
It's fucking Philadelphia over here.
It is incredible.You still based out of Denver?
So you're just visiting Austin?
Yeah, I flew in for this.Amazing.First sign up.
Wow, that is absolutely incredible.You just got this literally seat.Dan Nolan. whose works for Red Band say that he's signed up over 50 times here in Austin, living here for years.
You fly in today, you get up, and you get to literally perform in front of a Denver icon. and fucking have a good set.That is incredible.
Yeah, that rules, man.I'm so fucking stoked.Yeah, I'm very excited about that.
This is pretty cool.I also got up on the Mothership open mic, but I didn't know you had to check in, and so I missed my fucking spot on the open mic.Missed your spot?So this is such a goddamn save.This is fucking phenomenal for me right now.Wow.
Well.Very business-minded, Mike Hammock.
Atta boy.Are you still in the Springs?Yeah, we moved down there during the pandemic, and we're locked, and we got the kids.We're not going anywhere.
Yeah, these kids are really a fucking anchor around your neck, huh, buddy?
You just need to... Yeah, the three-year-old has a sleep disorder, so I've definitely thought about it.
Yeah, yeah.What kind of sleep disorder does a three-year-old have?
He has never slept through the night his entire life.From day one, he's still waking up two or three times a night.He's got a REM disorder, so every three hours, he's up for about 10, 20 minutes.You should put him to bed forever, Mike.
Wow.Wow.How long does it take him to fall back asleep?What are some tricks that you do for that?You play him some of your old sets?
We've tried a lot.We've tried, you know, books on tape.We've tried everything.We've tried Oxycontin. I'll sing to him sometimes.Can you give us an example of something you'll sing?I do the class.I do the rockabye baby.Sing the song, Michael.
Sing the fucking song, dude.
Wow.Absolutely unbelievable.You're running the whole gambit here.We're getting a little taste of everything from Mike Hammock.Ironic that your last name is Hammock and you have a kid that can't fall asleep.
If your name was Mike Tempur-Pedic, maybe you'd have better luck. What do you do for a living?I do cyber security.Ooh, so cool.Ooh, I'm so secure with your cyber.
You help people download child pornography.
Yeah.Absolutely incredible.It's true.Nobody likes a kid that can't fall asleep more than a pedophile.It's amazing.Just action all night long.Just every 30 minutes, just waking up for a more cock.
Well, when my wife is cranky, I know she's not putting out, you know, so.
Rockabye, baby.All right.All right.OK, Mike, what do you do for fun?You have this three year old, the one year old.Other than stand up comedy, do you have any passions?
You seem like a guy that would have like a weird hobby up in the attic or something like miniature houses or something.
I like to read.I like to work. We're going to the fucking zoo for my birthday, because that's what you do with kids.So I'm going to go.
Yeah, but not like a one-time thing.You don't have anything that you're passionate about?
Oh, I like to read.I like to write.I like to write some short stories, like stuff like that.Yeah, yeah, mostly just that.And just hang out with the kids.They're one in three.This is the best time to hang out with kids.They're fun.They're interesting.
They can't remember anything.
Yeah, so mostly it's just hang out with the kids.
All right, well.How long are you in town for?
I flew in Saturday, and I fly out tomorrow morning, 7 a.m.Never mind.
Well, I'll tell you what, though.You missed your spot upstairs, and I do have a little agreement with the great and powerful talent booker here, Adam Egott.Egott.
One of the funniest human beings on planet Earth and literally the best comedy booker in the world.Rogan hired him from
the comedy store, everybody moved here, and he has indeed, without a doubt, made this the greatest comedy club, the best lineups in the world.And so... as a little special treat.
I figured, I wrote down, missed your spot, so why don't we escort him to the other room and get him up to make up for that spot?Oh, fuck!So Adam Egan will see you, you'll get that spot there.
No pressure, but your entire, the rest of your career depends on how that set in front of Adam goes.Thank you!So keep the momentum up, fucking ride the wave, and there you go. Good luck.There he goes.Mike Hammock.Oh, Mike, here he goes.
One of those, too.Booyah.See the arc I put on that?I'm a joke book-throwing master.I mean, I'm just the greatest.Don't let Dan's pop-up flip thing fool you.
He fucked that up.Mike hit me up to try and hop on my shows this weekend.I left him on red, so this is... It is a bit embarrassing, but good guy, you know, loves his kids.Yeah, way to go, Mike.
Oh my God.It's just, people will never believe how real this show is.Like a moment like that is so fucking hysterical.Let's come on, Red.Very funny.Then you have to face them, literally in front of technically millions of people.That is amazing.
We've gotten through four bucket pulls, ladies and gentlemen, and I think it's time for us to bring, normally I like to bring a regular up when momentum has died out, but I'm truly running out of big joke books here tonight.
I have a plethora of little ones that have not been given out, so. That doesn't mean we don't get another regular.You got it.Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the all-time greats of the show, a cold-blooded fucking killer.
This is indeed the one and only Cam Patterson.
I was in Oklahoma this weekend and it was cool.I like Oklahoma cause they had pretty good weed out there.And I smoke like regular a little bit, but I just like the flower.I don't want nothing else.They brought me some weed, a lot of weed.
And then they also brought me THC syrup. And the lady was like, listen, this syrup is very potent and strong, only take a teaspoon.And I wanted to be funny, so I'm like, I'm gonna drink the whole bottle.
And she went, do not do that, you will die, right?So my homeboy, he is like a weed connoisseur, he love weed, weed is his thing, right?So he was like, I'm gonna just pour half the bottle into a cup, I'll be fine.
Now listen, the bottle had a skull and crossbones on it. Do not, you listen, he thought he was better than the dead nigga.He not, okay?Nobody's better than the dead nigga.Nobody better than that skull and crossbones.You will die, right?
That's why it's there.That same crossbone is on bleach.You understand that?So he took the drink, right?And he became, he became autistic. And not like regular, like non-verbal autistic.He was talking to me with his hands.
And then he shit himself, so that was pretty cool.All right, that's my time.Booyah. Oh, man.I didn't think that was going to work.I didn't think that was going to work.That was strange.I was stressing.I was stressing about that one.That was scary.
You put yourself in quite the tough position.So many good sets.You're following yourself.You're competing with yourself week after week.And there's nothing like it happening in all of comedy.
You know, you came in when the show was blowing up, was huge and doing great stuff.So it's a tricky situation.
And you handle it with It's great.It's like a pro.
Thank you.You're so naturally funny, Cam.Thank you.You're so fucking funny.Thank you so much, man.Yeah, dude.I don't know how you keep that hat on your head, but... It's black magic, nigga.
That's what I did.You mean voodoo? They're eating the cats and dogs.Nah, not voodoo.
They're eating the cats and the dogs and shit.That was so funny.That was funny as shit.Is that your trumpet pressure?They're eating the cats and the dogs, nigga.They're eating the cats and the dogs.That's how they do it.That's how they do it.
You go cross-eyed for your Trump?
That's how you do it.That's how you talk.Ooh, it's getting better.I'm actually watching it get better as you do it.I can really do a good impression.That's good.That's fine.I'm really... Don't make that fucking face, fuck.
That's a good Trump impression.He went... That's a great Trump impression.It's so bad. I'm not good with voices.I can only do mine.That's it.Any other one, I'm like, whatever, yeah, whatever, nigga.That's it.That's all I can give you, brother.
Absolutely.I love it.Oklahoma does have great weed.Our favorite weed grower in the world moved to Oklahoma and began a huge operation there.And it's a thriving place.Weed is super legal.It is highly competitive.It's a whole thing going on there.
It's crazy.That story happened yesterday, and my dog with me right now, and he's still high.That's the thing.He's still fucked up.The funnest part, I won't try to make that a full story.
The funnest part about it, though, to me, is he was in the bathroom, he was taking a shit, but he threw up on himself, right?Oh, yeah. So he, but he wasn't, we were like, yo, Joe, you good?And we wasn't saying nothing.I'm like, yo, Joe, you good?
I'm like, this nigga probably died in the bathroom.So we got to go check on him.So I bust in the bathroom and he just went, what you in here for, faggot?That's what he called.I'm like, I'm trying to help you, dumb ass.
Get out the bathroom, gay ass nigga.What are you, I'm trying to help you.That gonna be doing the Oscars in 20 years, there it go. That's over?
Oh, man.I don't think it'll take 20 years to get there.That is amazing that if he thought that that was your moment to get gay while he's shitting and vomiting all over himself.Like, this is my time.This is when I'm going to make my move.
Don't finna take it now, brother.Oh, yeah.
This is good, man.I like this a lot.I love gay people. I'll be having to say, you know what I realized about this show?My words matter.That's kind of crazy, right?That's insane to me.My words mean something to people.That blow my mind.
Bro, you know the episode... It's real shit.I didn't know this.I didn't know this.
They do!Yes!Bro, I just be saying random shit.Like, a couple episodes ago, I said, I said, legalized fit and all, because I just wanted to, right?And 20 people came to my show with legalized fit and all shirts and careful president on they shirt.
And I was like, you can't do that, dawg.Don't listen to me.Hey, I'm going to tell y'all something.I just found out that a pickle was a cucumber yesterday.Understand?Do not listen to me. Unless you a bitch with a fat ass, then suck my dick, please.
Hell yeah.No doubt about that.
The Trump thing gave me the giggle so bad.I just learned that a pickle was a cucumber.Oh, fuck.
You think I'm playing?You think that's something I play about?I'm dead serious, dawg.Yeah.I ate a cucumber that was sliced like a pickle and I went, oh, fuck.Who explained it to you?Who told you?Who confirmed it for you?
Well, my brain just went, oh, it all makes sense now.I just thought a pickle was another thing, dawg.
What did you think it was?You thought they grew that way?It's the only wet, salty vegetable.Oh, I have a fucking cramp.
I thought you made them in water or something.I was confused.
What do you think a raisin is?Do you think a raisin grows as a raisin?Well, after I went down that rabbit hole, I also found out what a raisin was.
You went down the cucumber rabbit hole.
How old were you guys, though, when you found out cucumbers were pickles?I was like 40.See? I also thought pickles were just pickles.
I feel fucking retarded.God damn it.God damn it.Bad company.
Bad company.You were all cool when you were bragging about knowing about the bean though, huh?Some pointless piece of art.And by the way, let me say, it's been a few weeks.I'm ready to talk about it.
Let me just say, everyone thinks, the big running joke, Tony's gay, Tony's gay, Tony's gay.Can I tell you how many fucking tough guys reached out in every fucking way and form going, you don't know about the bean?
All these people, like you don't know about this art deco piece in Chicago? Bunch of f***heads out there judging me, a supposed gay guy, for not knowing about some art installation in f***ing piece of s*** Chicago.A dump.
And no, I work when I'm in show.I'm not visiting the fucking bean, you pieces of shit.You bored fucking Taurus.And he was just there to make a fucking internet video for content or else he wouldn't know what the fucking bean is either.
He didn't even know what a pickle was, a cucumber. I didn't know what the bean was in Chicago, and the internet lost their fucking minds about it.Oh, stop the fucking clocks on Kill Tony's success.
Tony's never been to an art... Look at this angry white guy.He won't even make eye contact with me.Hey, that nigga do look terrifying.Oh, my God.Truly one of the scariest... Did you sign up by any chance?Oh, God.That's a shame.Oh, my God.
I'd love to hear what the fuck is on your mind. Look at the wheels turning over there.
It's gotta be a lot of rape and child touching.You a weird guy.He has glasses.You a strange guy.You're not a regular person, brother.
He's wearing glasses, and he has another pair of glasses hanging out of his pocket.Right?That's crazy!All scary.And the pocket is button closed, but the glasses are... Can you even get those out of there?Do those... Oh, okay.
Very amaz... It's a fake button.It's a false button.Uh-oh.Oh, my God.This guy's...
The key false button, that's crazy.That's kind of crazy.
Unbelievable.Unbelievable.
What did you think pickles were, buddy?I mean, seriously.
Please, I need to know.I thought they just grew in water, bro.I didn't know.Who said what?Fuck you, goddamn.Goddamn.That's real shit.
I thought it grew.I didn't know.You thought they were... Sometimes you don't know shit.Goddamn it.You thought they were sea cucumbers.Yes! What's wrong with that?
What's wrong with that?Oh my God.I didn't know, but I know now, so it's all good.
Calm the fuck down.Everything's fine.Did you find out anything else in the rabbit hole?Raisins, anything else?Was there anything else?
Nah, that was it.That was it.I was like, raisin, cucumber's good to know.You're not ready for prunes, dog. Uh-oh.Oh, shit.
Uh-oh.I know what a prune is.What is it?It's a dried up plum, right?Hey!
Whoa.Wow.Holy shit.I'm a fucking genius!Wow.I did not know that.
I'm smart as fuck, man.I'm smart as fuck.I wasn't indicting you.I'm a genius.I was just delighted by everything you've done so far. I thought I was gonna pass out and shit my pants.How about a beat?What's a beat?A beat?
Oh, that shit grow out the ground, right?Oh, good job.Okay, I tried to trick you there.I know shit!Okay.I would cheat it, and it'd be stained in your hands and shit, because it's red.That's right.That's right.Yo, yo, yo!Yeah!Yeah!Yeah!
Fuck, niggas!Cam, you are so fucking entertaining.It is unbelievable.What a star. What a fucking superstar.
How loud can this place get for Cam Patterson?God damn it. What an episode so far.
All big joke books, all thunder and lightning, all the strongest regulars.When will momentum stop?Ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket we go.60 seconds uninterrupted in a momentous episode for Eric McLaughlin.Eric McLaughlin.
Wow.Hello, everybody.This is my first time at Comedy Mothership.This is a great day.Oh my God, I'm here.It was already pretty good.Last night I had a dream that I had sex with my high school crush.Yeah, it was pretty good.
It was a little weird when I realized I only really knew her when she was 15 years old. So I was like, I hope it was like a 30-year-old version of me and a 30-year-old version of her.
Or maybe a 15-year-old version of me and a 15-year-old version of her.But I'm pretty sure... that I am 30 and she was 15.So... I don't know what to do with that information.I guess I just won't go to sleep again.
Anyway, I'm not going to make the minute.That's all.That's all I had.Thank you.
All right.Well, there we go. I am grateful he bombed.We needed someone to cool this thing off.You didn't bomb, you did fine, you know, but- No, it's okay.We needed to fucking pump the brakes a little bit.Yeah, it made sense.
They were getting spoiled out there, you know?They were like, no one's gonna miss tonight.Well, you put an end to that rumor, so.Yeah.
Even championship teams have to punt the ball every once in a while.You don't score on every drive.Sure.You are that guy.Yes.So let's talk about Eric.First time at the mothership, first time on the show.How long you been trying stand-up?
I've been doing this for two months.I am very new.All right, okay.Very, very new.You live here in Austin, Texas?
I do, I am a local, yes.You born and raised here?No, I was born in California, but I've lived here for like 17 years.17 years?Yeah.Wow, how old are you? I'm 30.What made you move here 17 years ago?
Parents, depression, or recession, or whatever they're called.Your parents moved here.That's right.That's the answer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.Depression and recession.I don't know what the fuck that has to do with anything.
Well, it was 2008 is why.So they were like, we got to get out of California for jobs.
It's always good when you tell a story and people have to do math.That's good.Yes, 2008.
Yeah.So where do they move to?We live here, Austin.It's where I've been.They're still living here and I still live here.What part?By the airport.Okay.Yeah, yeah.Southeast, Burleson.
You want to take this opportunity to dox your parents' address?
Do you still live with them?I don't.I live near them.I live like a block away from my parents.
Why do you live a block away from your parents?
Well, I lived with them when I got out of college.And they were like, I got a job somewhere and I was making good money.They should buy a house next to us.And I was like, OK.So I just bought a house in the area because they were homes.
If you guys want to grab a drink or go to the bathroom.
Literally so many people are like, oh, I'm about to piss.Oh my God, look at this storm.I've never seen anything like it before.All right.Oh my goodness.There goes, hot chicks are leaving.Jesus Christ.What is happening?
Time for a ketamine break, I guess.One of those girls was in a wheelchair and she walked.Yeah. This is unbelievable.Darren Jones is building a lumber fence around himself somewhere right now.Eric, this is incredible.
You've literally emptied half the room. Okay, so let's talk about it, Eric.Everyone is turned off by you.
Oh, no.Hey, for two months?For two months?Fine joke.Yeah.Got nervous.Did a fine 30 seconds, you know?Yeah.This is very hard.Stand-up's very hard.
It's hard.It is.It's very hard.It is.What do you do for a living, Eric?I sell mortgages.Okay.Yeah.You sell mortgages.Are you good at it?
Well, he's already got a catchphrase.That's good.
I'm like 8% good, 8.5.No, I'm okay.Jesus.I do all right.
What do you do for fun, Eric?I golf.I mean, what a classic thing that a white finance guy would do, I guess.Hey, man, if you guys need to go take five, you know... Anything other than golf? I, uh, well, I play video games.
I mean... What's your love life like, Eric?Love life is very boring.It's not going well.Going on dates?I do not go on dates.
What's the last time that you attempted a date with a, uh... Are you into women?
Uh, yeah, I'm into women.
I... Yeah, I'm into women.Yeah.No doubt about it. No doubt about it, since the birth of the newspaper I've been in.
Is that really how I sound?Oh, wow.
Yeah, is that how I sound?Mortgage rates, 7.5, 8.5.What are you into?What do you want?
You sound like a cartoon that's gonna fight the Kaiser.That's how you sound.
I sell houses, but you have to live within one block of where my parents live.We have some great units available in baggage claim.You could take a locomotive to your new house.Buy a war bond while you're at it, see? Atlanta Victory Garden, why not?
Big upcoming election.I'm voting for Lyndon B. Johnson.I'm with Cal.Let's talk about these dates.When's the last time you attempted?Are you on any of the apps?Are you trying?You seem like a good looking guy until you talk.Wow. That was okay.
Made me feel kind of good, I guess.I didn't even know that about myself, see?Always thought I was incredibly attractive.Hey, beep beep, get out of my way.I'm coming through here.I got to drive to the mothership for my first time.
I need more petrol for my Model A. Traffic has really been crazy since the invention of the automobile.
They shouldn't have let the Chinese drive.Look at this guy.This guy's... This guy has gout and he's walking out.I mean... You have confidence, you know?You carry yourself in a way where it sounds like you might say something funny.
I don't know.I hope I do.I'm just trying.I don't know.This is my first time in front of more than, like, 20 people, so this is pretty insane.But, yeah.Absolutely.Okay.But, yes, to answer your question, I am on apps.I do look for love.
What does your bio say?Let's try to help you out.Well, shit, I don't have my phone.Probably something like... You know what it says.Honestly.
I know what it's about to say, as seen on Kill Tony.
The big bomb.God, look at the people storming back in.And there goes another one.We are breaking even for people.One in, one out.They're just tag teaming.People are starting a cocaine habit in real time.The stylings of Eric McLaughlin. It's weird.
Laff is in the middle of your last name.Eric McLaughlin.
I know.Pretty tacky.Pretty hacky.
Crazy.No, it's there.Is that your real last name?
That's my real last name.Irish.But I'm actually Brazilian, which is interesting.Now we're talking.
Okay, there we go.How are you Brazilian?
My mom is Brazilian.I am Brazilian.I have a passport there and everything, and I go to Brazil.I speak Portuguese.
You should get a huge ass installed.Yeah. That'd be cool.Comics need a hook in this day and age.Yeah.If you got a huge ass and you're just fucking rocking it around in those shorts.
Yeah, no hook, just a bump.I don't have an ass.Red band, come on.
You stepped on the one funny thing.
Red Band is the master at that.
Oh my God.Can you speak, I want to hear your, do a joke in Portuguese.Oh.Come on, you're really putting me on the spot here.
I can speak Portuguese, but I'll make a joke with you.There's no way.I couldn't do it.
Do you not speak Portuguese?Does anyone?No.That lady that said what?No.Wait, wait. Oh, shit.Oh, shit.Well, well, well.What goes around comes around, my friend.Your house of lies is crumbling, Quincy.You speak Portuguese, for real? Yeah.Okay.
Quincy, what did he say when he said something into the mic?Put the mic up to Quincy's mouth.
He literally said, I'm gonna tell you a joke in Portuguese, but he didn't say a joke.Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.Quincy, you have front row tickets anytime you want from now on.This has been an amazing episode for you.VIP, super treat. Do you live here in Austin, Quincy?Okay, perfect, good.I'm glad.
I just realized that I gave away $6,000 worth of tickets at once.That's unacceptable behavior.But it was worth the pop.Okay.People heard Quincy talk and they're rushing back in the room.Yeah, exactly.With dripping wet vaginas.Okay.
So this last date you went on, when do you think that was? Oh, probably a year ago.Oh, my goodness.1942, right before the start of the war.Oh, my gosh.I believe it was the guy Winston Churchill at the time.Maybe it's the nerds.
Speaking on the radio.It was a year ago.It was a year ago.We went out to a bar.We got martinis.It just didn't click.I was just like, yeah, I'm not feeling this.
When you say it didn't click, exactly how did it go?
Um, she was just... We were just chatting along.I was chatting with her.I don't know.Like, what do you say?You know what I want to do?
Heidi.Is Heidi here?Can we get Heidi out here?Heidi.Oh, wow.Look who it is.Heidi.Yeah.Heidi, I just want you to stand there, and I want you to look him dead in the eyes.I don't want you to break eye contact with him at all.
I want you to look dead Adam, Heidi.Okay.And I want you to talk to Heidi like you're on a date with Heidi.Eric, you, no, don't look at me, Eric.You look at Heidi.Heidi, you look at him.Eric, look at Heidi.I'm looking right at him.
No, stop breaking eye contact with each other.Oh yeah, Heidi, don't do that with your hair.That's not fair.Don't do that.Oh no.Oh Jesus Christ.Oh my God. Okay.Okay.
You're killing it.I love this Applebee's.Is this your first time?At Applebee's or just ever on a date?Yes, both.
Yeah.Anytime you hear that horn, that means that you've done not good.Got it.Just so that you know.Okay.Wait, what is it?An Applebee's or anywhere else to eat?Ever?Ever? I can see why it's not going great.So let's try it again.Here we go.
Take it from the top.And action.What are you thinking of ordering?Oh, straight to that.All right.Weird move.You just sat down.
I mean, the man just... I mean, my goodness.
Oh, what are you thinking of ordering?
Huh?I usually let the man that I'm with order for me.I'm a lady.
Whoa.Oh, shit.So what are you getting us?The pressure is on.What are you going to order?Uh... I'm the waiter.
Hey, what can I get you guys?I'll get the barbecue shrimp, and I guess she will, too, because she doesn't know what she wants, so I don't know.Whoa.Oh, my God.
Man after my own heart.Yeah, I don't know.They're cracking her.
Holy shit.That's what I'm gonna eat, I guess, at this point. This went to domestic violence on the first question.On what would you like to order?Why don't we, you guys want to start with some drinks?Are you drinking shrimp juice, sir?Jesus Christ.
Welcome to Apple.Let's try it again.Take it from the top.
All right.Hey, we got you our best table right here.Tony will be over for you in a second.You're in good hands tonight.Okay.Perfect.
Perfect.You look lovely this evening.We just got this host.We hired him straight from Rainforest Cafe.He got fired today.We hired him at this Applebee's.And then... It's a very nice shirt.
And then I approach the table, pretend like I'm standing next to you, and welcome to Applebee's.What can I get for y'all?
Probably start with some drinks.Do you know what you want?
Just a water with a lemon.
Some water, okay.I'll have two shots of vodka.That would be good. I'll take two as well, actually.
I'd like two as well.All right.Two shots of vodka and a water coming right up.You guys enjoy some conversation.I'll be right back with those drinks.Okay.
So, what do you do for a living?
Um, I'm a waitress on Kill Tony.Awesome.And I also manage a strip club.Oh.Yeah.Which one?Yellow Rose in Austin, Texas.Okay.Yeah.I've been to the Red.
That's a great club as well.It is.
Everywhere.I work with 12s all the time.12s.Yeah.
Honestly, I think you're doing great.
I appreciate it.Thank God that my first minute was over.Yeah, that was horrible.
It was bad. Hey, Tony, I just started working here.You might want to bail out, table eight.
No, no, no, no, no.Don't change the fucking lighting.I'm obsessed with this.This might go on for the next 45 minutes or so.Hold on.Keep the conversation going.It's unbelievable.You're waiting for your drinks.
I'm out there making a water with lemon and two shots of vodka. Classic Applebee's order.Sam is filling up the ice bucket for me.I needed more ice.Yeah, so how long have you lived in Austin?
I've been here about three years now.
Okay, perfect.Yeah, and do you like it here?
I love it.There's a lot of fun things to do.A lot of transplants, unfortunately, from California, but... What can you do, you know?Those Californians, they just keep coming here.They're just flooding this.
They say one recession, one recession, and they can't handle anything.So they come right here.
Fuck those guys.Yeah, I'm a local.
I don't... Yeah, fuck them. Good.Thank God.Thank God.I'm so sick of going on these dates with these Californian men.
Yeah.Eric, you're being out-alpha'd by your date.You might want to control some of the conversation here.So... you go to the gym at all?
I do.I love it.I basically live there.Yeah?It's one block away from my parents' house.
Sounds convenient, so.Don't see a problem with that.So where were you born?I was... I'm from California.
Oh, God.Waiter, waiter, waiter.
Oh, my goodness.Let's go, Heidi.Let's go get the fuck out of here.
I'd love to. There you go.Your date just went and banged the waiter.Great job.Holy shit.Oh, my God, Eric.Sam, where do we even begin with this post-game analysis of this date?
I've never seen a guy come in his pants on a fake date.
He's like, uh, I'm gonna order the shrimp and the gushers, too.
Oh, boy. I'll have the scallops.
Two shots of vodka, the water.I see you have both breasts.That's convenient.One for me, one for you. I hope both my vodkas get here soon.
Holy shit, Eric.He did a good job, dude.Yeah.That was good.No, it's amazing.I appreciate that.
Redemption song.Yeah. is incredible.You know what, Eric?Give him your watch, Tony.You know, feeling in the giving mood tonight.And even though the set was obviously two months and just barely OK,
I absolutely loved your commitment to this interview, which has lasted 18 minutes.There's a funny guy in there somewhere, just like the guy from Denver.I don't remember his name either.
Family Annihilator Mike Hammock, yes.
He's been doing it 12 years.Sam watched him get better.I think there's some potential in there.People might look back on this one day years from now and be like, holy shit, that was the start of Eric McLaughlin.Here's a big joke book.Go fill it up.
Oh, he didn't catch it.Right off the front of the hand.Not a good sign, folks.
That's how it starts, Eric.Congratulations, dude.I really appreciate it.I love the show.And thank you, everybody.Thank you, guys.Awesome.There he goes, Eric McLaughlin, ladies and gentlemen.Goddamn.We're having some fun here tonight.
This is so much fun.It's unbelievable.It's unbelievable.
Ah.Wow, wow, wow.I'm ashamed he lasted 18 minutes with me, honestly.What? I said, I'm ashamed he lasted 18 minutes with me.I could have done so much better.
It's amazing.It was fantastic.The hot, hilarious, smart Heidi.One more time for Heidi playing along.Great fucking sport.Hey, Table 8 didn't pay their check. He dined and ditched and there's a weird white sticky substance on his seat.
Did you bring him clam chowder?I don't remember you bringing him clam chowder.It's weird.It's also mixed with tears.All right.Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool.Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Shelly Peebles, everybody.
Wow.I can't see shit. Which is good, because this is a lot of people.I'm Shelly Peebles.I don't usually say my last name, because people always get it fucking wrong.Or they say Pebbles or Peeballs.I got made fun of a lot as a kid.
I'm actually a dental hygienist.I'm just starting out doing comedy, but I really love it.I also smoke a lot of weed. which I realize is an oxymoron.I've been an oxymoron all my life.It's fine.I'm used to it.My parents were hippies.
I grew up in Austin.My parents were hippies, but they didn't smoke weed.And I grew up in Texas.So, you know, think about that for a minute.How does a white woman in Texas Smoke a lot of weed.
Well, I became a cannabis sommelier because I liked weed so much.So I just decided to take a deep dive into that.I also just discovered I have ADHD.I'm like the poster child for Gen X women in Texas.Yeah, I know.
Menopause, hormones, all that bullshit.Yeah. I just started taking testosterone.
I was told that if you... Okay.The bear has spoken.Welcome to another episode of... Kill Therapy.This is incredible.We learned so much about you.Dental hygienist, hippie, ADHD, menopause, on testosterone, not a single joke.
You literally did the interview part of the show first, which leaves us in a weird position here.Damn.It is incredible.Did you come here straight from work? I did, actually.Yeah, I believe it.You are dressed like a dental hygienist.
If you didn't say you were a dental hygienist, I would say that you look like a dental hygienist.Are you asking if that's black?
Oh, no, that's sometimes there's that's like there's a a label on the inside of your shirt, that inside lapel.Do you think Quincy's plaque?
Someone had to say something funny, you know?
What happened here tonight, Shelly?So how long have you been trying stand-up comedy?
Off and on for like six months.
Off and on for six months.How often do you try?
As often as I can, but I also have a full-time job and two kids.
Okay, two kids.One and three?You live in Colorado? I bet your kids are in their teens.
Yes.Because I'm in menopause.
Right.We'll go with that.Yeah.That is.I assume you started early because you have the Lion of Judah tattooed on your arm.
The Lion of Judah.The Lion on your arm?
Your daughter drew it?Yeah.Well, she's gifted.Wow.Amazing. At least someone in the family's got talent.Now, let's... I don't want to be nasty.
I'm sorry.Stand-up's hard.It is.It is really hard, especially when you're going through menopause, which you've mentioned multiple times so far.It's basically your getter done. If a joke doesn't work, I'm gonna start trying that.
If a joke ever fails for me, if I ever try one, it just goes, I'm going through menopause.But the crazy thing is that'll work for me.That'll actually get a laugh.
So let's talk about it, Shelley.You are in The Eye of the Storm, a show that's famous for being a big boom and burst and help for people that do good.And it's rough on people that have a rough set.And you're in it right now.
How does that make you feel?You seem like you have a lot of emotions.You seem like you're medicated.Are you on a lot of medicine?
And then whatever nitrous you can get out of the tank, right?
Actually, I had a dentist that did that.Oh, yeah.
Yeah.Yeah.Can you get us pills?
It's nice meeting you.What do you do for your ADHD?
Well, I actually just started taking Adderall.
There you go.So you are on some medicine after all.
Just today I took my first dose.Really?Yeah.
Okay.Do you have them on you?No.
Hey, I have two shots of vodka and a water.
Okay.Whoa, that date went through menopause at the table.
So, Shelly, let's talk about it.You mentioned menopause more than anything else.How long you been going through that for?What's that like?
Ten years.Wow.Knock it off.It started early.Oh, Jesus Christ almighty.Shh. Oh my goodness.
This is why I smoke a lot of weed.Yeah.And I have an ex-husband, so.
Okay.You guys get along?No.No.Why not?What's he like?
Yeah?Yeah.How is he a dick?
Let's mine this vein, Tony.Yeah.
Yeah. Interview... Jesus.What ethnicity... What ethnicity is your ex-husband?
Oh, okay.There you go.That's a good thing.There you go. There you go.All right.You learned something.All right.Quincy's looking at me like, don't do it, dude.Stop.Stop it.
I'm not on the apps, but.
You're not on the apps.When's the last time you've been on a date?
Last week.Is Eric still here?Do we have Eric around?
Eric probably hung himself.Yeah, Eric's... Eric's long gone.
We should have taken his shoelaces before he left the stage.
Very good.Red Band.It's a Red Band heavy episode. I love it.In the zone tonight.So amazing.This interview is like pulling teeth.If I only had a dental hygienist to help me.
Would you like me to pull some teeth for yours?
No, and neither would I ever want to fill your cavity. So tell us, Shelly, what do you think's funny about you?What are some moments in life where you've been funny and you're like, I should do stand-up?
It's just a long road of different journeys and it's led me to here.
I love it.No, this is exciting.It is an extremely hard thing to do.I'm trying to figure out here.
I used to sing in the choir at church.You did?Okay.Why don't we try that?No.
Was that the Stone Cold music?
Oh my goodness, Stone Cold, but enough about her vagina.
I thought that menopause made you very warm and wet.
Well, no, it's actually quite the opposite.Oh my goodness.
What's drier, your pussy or your sense of humor?
It's a toss-up.That's funny.See, that's funny, Shelly.There you go.She said she sang in choir.Okay, so why don't we try this?You know, you have more experience, obviously, at choir.A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.Yeah, I'm sorry.No.
Shelly, you're gonna sing here tonight.
You didn't want to do... You don't get any jokes, and we're gonna at least try to hit a note here tonight.
I can't even think of a song to sing right now.
D's?You know... black shit?Uh, what's a church song?Amazing Grace.It wasn't a gospel choir, was it?
It was like church music, but, like, pop.
Okay, how about a poppy version of Amazing Grace, and here we go.
I don't know if that's Amazing Grace music.
This is like about to be like an Adele moment right now.
How sweet the sound that saved a wretch
Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.Oh, my God.Jesus Christ.
My God, you made my pussy go dry.And I have a famously wet pussy.
Unbelievably.It's like she's allergic to microphones.
It is incredible.What do you sing at, like, karaoke?What do you... Nothing.
Oh, hit me with your best shot.
That's my, that's my... All right. Hit me with your best shot.
Oh my, okay, stop, stop, stop.Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Oh my God.The windows are breaking on 6th Street right now.This is incredible.Quincy, can you save her?
Is this why your husband hit you?
Red band!What is wrong with you?Is it why your husband hit you?
This fucking bitch sings like shit!
She's laughing, people.I can already feel the heat from this one.She's laughing, you fucking... It's called a hot flash, okay, motherfuckers?I love it.I love it.There's a little fire in there, Shelley Peebles.
Wait, you're into astrology?
No way!Who saw that one coming?
Your whole set was crapacorn.
That's about where my knowledge is.
Oh my goodness.Shelly, we tried, we tried.Look, this isn't easy.You're six months in.Yeah.You're already funnier than Amy Schumer.You're leaving here with a little joke, but can you catch? Very good.There we go.Shelly Peebles, ladies and gentlemen.
There she goes.Keep it moving along.You guys still having fun out there? We're doing it.Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see tonight, anything can happen.Make some noise for your next comedian, Eddie Lursa.Eddie Lursa is next on Kill Tony.
I dated this girl who didn't believe in dinosaurs once, because they're not in the Bible. but neither is Planet Mercury, and it was still the reason she was acting like a bitch all the time, apparently.And I grew up a Christian.
I'm not a Christian anymore, but this was my first time being exposed to one of these religiously special needs types.I didn't realize Christianity was a part of the spectrum. I thought I was an atheist, now turns out I'm just not retarded.
No, shouldn't call Christian people retarded because retarded people love dinosaurs, dude.I got two buddies with autism that identify as triceratops right now.
And the point of this is, if you're dating one of these religiously handicapped people, they're probably not gonna let you fuck them if you have a dinosaur kink while you watch Jurassic Park.But she did restore my faith in one aspect.What was it?
What did she restore your faith in?I do believe in the burning bush again, because that bitch gave me chlamydia, dawg.
Oh, shit.All right.Thank you.Eddie Larsa.
Yeah.Just like that.Yes.It is amazing.So welcome, Eddie.
Is this your first time on the show?
Second time.I got pulled in a turbo round one time.OK.So it was quick.
That was that crazy episode where we found Aaron Belial at the end, or?
No, it was the last pop-up episode before, I think it was before you went to LA.
Yeah, yeah, it was the regulars episode.Perfect.
How did that go?Was that good, too?
Yeah, it was fun.Awesome.
Awesome.So welcome back.Tell us more about you that we didn't learn the last time you were on this show.
The last time we talked about me growing up in a group home for a minute.My mom's a professional jazz and blues singer.Oh, yeah.I've been out here for almost a year.A year and two weeks.It'll be a year and two weeks.
Yeah.So it's been a year.
It's been a year.It's been a year.It'll be a year and three weeks.A week after that.I love it out here.Austin's great.What do you love about Austin? I mean, I love the comedy scene for sure.I don't do a whole lot else anymore with my time right now.
I work in a bar down the street and they always ask me what there is to do.I'm like, I can tell you where all the clubs are.I don't drink anymore.I've been sober for a year and a half now.
You have sober face.You look like you're fucking clinging to the trees of a forest fire in your mind. Like anything could send you back into that well whiskey, man.No, no, tequila, the well tequila.Okay, mine was funny, but we could.
Do you climb rocks?No, no, I used to, I mean, I used to do, I've moved all over the country.I used to snowboard and I've lived in Keystone, Colorado for a couple of years.I was in California for a year, Florida, North Carolina.
I moved here from Florida.You were trying to run away from that group home, huh? Normally, I would just burn my life down and be like, all right, we're done here now, we'll go somewhere else.Yeah.Okay.What do you do for work?
Oh, yeah, you were at a bar down the street.
Yeah, we're gonna bar on Rainy Street.You see a lot of crazy stuff there?More crazy stuff when I'm just out here.
Did you say on Rainy Street?
What's your thoughts about the Rainy Street Ripper?
I don't know if I believe in him, to be honest.
So you're with the police on this one?No, I'm just... You think it's just a wild array of accidents?
Yeah, maybe some suicides.I'm not really... I don't know.He's been doing it a long time.I feel like it's... How would you know that?I'm on Rainy Street a lot.
And you're just a drifter who wandered into town and then murders started happening?
Yeah, yeah.I was like, there's a lot of gay guys here.Let me take care of that.Yeah.
You don't need booze when you have blood.
Yeah, that's... There was a serial killer in San Diego that killed homeless people when I lived out there.That was something I thought could be brought here.True hero.
What a coincidence.Smile, that makes it better.Yes.Okay.How do you?Yeah.
So what else should we know about you?There must be something else interesting that we didn't find out last time you were on this show.
I mean, I was a vicious drug addict and alcoholic for 16 years.Vicious?Vicious.Once I get drunk, I don't care what the drug is.Just set it down and let me have it.
He said he lived in Key Bump, Colorado for a while.
Oh, yeah.It was Key Bumps, too.I got sick one time from doing cocaine in Colorado.
like a real chest thing.I couldn't move for days.My dad was like, it'll be fine.I was like, okay, I think I'm dying right now, but otherwise.The only cure is murdering a homosexual.Yeah, that's why, that's why I had to come here.
So a lot of guys, uh, when they get sober from that type of wildlife, their addiction turns into something else.Are you a, like a sex addict or something like that?
No, I actually haven't.This is the longest dry spell ever.I haven't had sex or been on a date in a year now, a little over a year.
You ever hung out with a sand pussy dental hygienist before?
These fucking sand pussies out there.I was in Afghanistan, killed about 35 sand pussies.
Well, I just have horrible taste in women, so I think part of me is like, maybe I'll just leave them, like the, there's a fun story.My last serious girlfriend broke my face in six places with her new boyfriend.Wow.
And stalked me for two years afterwards.Her boyfriend was the one who stalked me the most.I never really understood that, didn't make much sense.That is a fun story.Yeah.
Yeah.So how did that happen?Did he jump you?And why did you say that she, broke your face in sixth place?
Well, because it was her foot was the last one I saw hit my head.Shit.Yeah, she was like, you can't tell people that we jumped you.It was only four of us.I was like... I think that's, is it five for her jumping?Like, I don't know.
It felt like, I saw eight feet.I saw eight feet.But yeah, she was a drug addict, a former drug addict.And then we were together for a year.She started dating this other guy who, after we broke up, who was feeding her drugs.
And me and him just didn't see eye to eye.And one night he... It's quite the crew of people that we get up here.Yeah, and then I was staying away from him.They got me fired from my job.And then I got drunk enough to be mad.
And I went and met him in a dark parking lot at like 2 in the morning.It was a horrible idea.
Dark, like Quincy dark?Or... I wish I had a Quincy cam so that you guys could see the looks I'm getting over here.On that one, he was looking at the comedian, then looked at me like, Unbelievable.I love it.
Why'd you meet him in a dark parking lot?
It was like three in the morning and there were no street lights.I just remember seeing four people get out of the car and I was like, oh no, I've made a terrible mistake.
Yeah, that's how D-Madness feels all the time.The world is a dark, the world is a dark parking lot.Down, down, down, down, down. All right.
So then you saw these people get out with your drugged up ex and you're like, let's hear him out.
I mean, I was like, well, there's no turning back now.And yeah, then they, he hit me good.I'll give it to that.He hit me good.And then as soon as I could get up, I ran away.
Would you say he hit you with his best shot?
He hit your amazing face.
Yeah.If I, if I touch right here, I can still feel it in my tooth.Cause I have a broken nerve damage. Uh, it was, like, multiple face fractures here and here.My nose was turned this way, deviated septum.Oh, I kind of see it now that you mention that.
Fuck your eye up a little, I see.
I didn't think so, but... Red band.Red band.New insecurity activated.
You're used to men kicking you while you're down.
I used to get drunk and I'd black out.When I was living in Colorado, I'd black out and I'd wake up with new bruises and I'd have to hit up my friends and be like, did I get in a fight last night?They'd be like, oh yeah, you got your ass kicked again.
I was like, all right, cool.Amazing.
You got a big joke book last time you were on the show?I did.Great.Then this is for Quincy.There you go. Uh, there he goes.Eddie Lursa, ladies and gentlemen.There he goes.And, uh, it's that time.
I mean, you were here for an absolute bonkers episode of Kill Tony.And on a night like this, on an episode like this, I think there's only one way to put a ribbon on it.Oh, really?
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the reigning record holder, all-time appearances, all-time interviews, the Baron of Band-Aids. The Sultan of Salt.The Ginger of Geometry.The Connoisseur of Carnosaurs.Of Carnivores.The King of Kentucky.
The Strangler of Memphis.This is the Vanilla Gorilla.The Big Red Machine.William Montgomery.
Man, y'all know I love geometry!Okay.Donald Trump claims that Haitian immigrants are devouring people's pets, and honestly, I feel like he got the wrong immigrants.I mean, if we got Hans Kim...
If we asked Kim if he knew anybody feasible on domesticated animals, he would know.Okay, I kind of messed that one up.Please help me, Sam.But seriously, if a Haitian immigrant wants to sacrifice a small animal, that's their religious freedom.
Nobody is stopping you from murdering your unborn child, Red Band. But I do feel like we should step up border security and mandate that any Haitian immigrant attempting to cross into the U.S.should be forced to practice voodoo.
Because if they show up and they're saying, oh, Catholicism, hell no.What are you bringing to the table?You better be mixing up potions, stirring up bodies, directing zombies.
That'd be like joining the CIA and then first day on the job, you're like, first of all, I refuse to actively participate in any conspiracy to assassinate the president.It's like, dog, what are you doing?Do you know what this job is? Okay.
I got through it all kind of, Tony.
It was beautiful, William.
Oh, I got the Red Band.I got the dig on Red Band recently having an abortion.I was able to get that in there.Ooh. This is breaking news.Is that why you shaved?Is that why you look like kind of a baby right now?
Because you killed the baby inside of your woman?
I love that you think that a 50-year-old guy could have babies, drinking and smoking and doing everything I do right now.That's nice of you.That's a compliment.
Oh, yeah, I forgot the men carry the babies.I forgot about that. What the hell are you talking about?That literally made no sense.Dumbass!I didn't even want to talk to your fucking ass tonight.What do you think?I think men carry the children?
Is that what you are insinuating?
Red Band, you were having literally the best episode of your life up until that point.Literally, Red Band was the breakout star of this episode.And then he claimed that he can't have babies, like he's a dental hygienist. The old sand pussy over here.
Oh my goodness.What a time to be alive.
And Sam, I have a question for you.What did you get recently in Android?Because I've been texting you and the messages used to be blue and now they're green.Gross.What a nasty thing to say.
What a wicked accusation.I've been calling you.I've been texting you.You don't respond anymore.You called me this morning at 9 a.m.like a true psychopath.Yeah.
Because you were up all night waiting for the birds to come back or whatever the fuck you do.
I needed you.I'm waiting for Wednesday, new season of Survivor.I cannot wait.I'm staying up until the new season of Survivor, Sam.
That's what I do every year. So, yeah, I was up and called you at 9 a.m.and somebody didn't respond.What were you doing, sleeping?I respond?Yeah, I was.
Because I had a big night.Cool.Okay.I was finished Homeland.
Help, Tony.Billy Boy McGumballs is back yet again.William, what's been going on this week with your life?
Nothing.I was in Raleigh, North Carolina.And thank God, Tony, I was able to do some of the yelling down in Raleigh because I was so genuinely afraid because my blood, my throat was bleeding after Mall of America.
So I was very worried about Raleigh last week.
Yeah, literally, I got so self-conscious, Tony, because I see myself, I'm watching people in the audience, and I'm also seeing all the spit constantly flying out of my mouth, and I got real self-conscious that it was actually blood flying out of my mouth, hitting the people.
I don't think it was blood, but yes, I was tasting a bunch of blood in my mouth.
I'm not kidding.It really kind of scared me a little bit.
Do you use, like, chewing tobacco or vapes or something?What do you do?
No, I mean, I'm still doing zen.I'm still doing that.
You do a lot of it?Yeah, one's in my mouth right now.Yeah.
Normally, it's not, but, Tony, I'm on edge.
He wasn't fucking... What milligrams are you on?
This is six.I used to have two sixes in my mouth at all times, and then... Oh, wow.
The Florida Gators lost last year to Florida State, and I wasn't feeling good, and I went and finally looked at my gums in the mirror, and it was kind of a... It looked like a war zone a little bit.
So I got it down to six milligrams, a single six milligram.Wow.So, yeah, things are looking up. Zipper is open, ma'am.You have your thang up.I can see your pussy.Whoa.Literally.Damn.Did you tell your bitch to do that on purpose, sir?
Wow.That's a true Sam Talent fan right there.I know, with the Sam Talent shirt.He's got the Sam Talent shirt and the zipper down.That's a fucking party people.
I'm sorry I missed your call, William.I was asleep, and then I texted you when I woke up.Okay, I know you did.Thank you.Yeah.Isn't that a nice thing for a friend to do?Yeah, thanks.Yeah. Maybe I'll call you tomorrow.I would like that.Okay.
Let's not do it before the sun rises, stupid.Okay.Thank you.
I like how you really, really took away from the moment about your biggest fan having her zipper down.
Oh, she's lovely.She's in my DMs all the time.
So this is... I'm interested to know how many people are going to have their zipper down in... What part of Connecticut?
You know, let's just write off Bridgeport. I'm hoping we can cancel the show.So, you know, come to San Diego or Tampa.Sam talent dot com with two L's.
Yeah.Give me a follow.I love it.No, it's true.Please do.And subscribe to the show.We we don't say that enough.We've been told by people.How's your how's your family, William?
Going good, they're very, they're doing good.Yeah, there was a little cancer scare, though, with my mother, so thank God.She was so ugly, cancer was scared of her?I wish that was the case.No, a lump on her liver.How's Selden doing?
Luckily, she doesn't have cancer.
Well, you were nasty to me, so I'm firing back.I'm sorry about your mom.I wasn't that nasty to you.It was very personal.
I shouldn't have brought it up.I'm trying to be a better friend to people.I'm sorry.Sorry your mom's lousy with cancer.It's probably your fault, if you think about it.
Yeah.It's my fault.It's all my fault.She got fucking liver cancer, and now I'm going to have to deal with that for the rest.You agree, Red Band?
No, I don't.Last time I checked, it seemed completely fine.
You checked her for cancer?No, I checked her liver.
Dude, shut up, dumbass.Don't come at me like that.Don't come at me like that.I get it.You're actually kind of funny tonight.It doesn't normally happen.
He really is.I don't know what is going on.Are you have vitamins in your vape pen or something?What's going on tonight?Are you on AlphaBrain?Did you put a little AlphaBrain in your morning ice cream today? Your morning ice cream.
Had morning ice cream.We ran out of milk for the coffee.It is incredible.
William, look at this guy.Wait, which one?Look at this guy right here with the face.
He looks weird.He looks kind of strange.What nationality are you, sir?Are you Native American or what is your nationality? Mixed white.
Different types of white.We just used to call that white when I was a child.
Mixed white.Huh.Different types of white.He's from Connecticut?Oh, my God.You can't make it up, folks.Imagine a whole audience filled with people that look like that with their zippers down in Bridgeport, Connecticut.
Guaranteed, even the Thursday will sell out after this. I believe in miracles, yes.There's not a person that lives within 45 minutes of Bridgeport that's gonna be able to miss that show.
Well, yeah, but they're probably nodding off on drugs, so... Right.William, you're doing quite well on the road.Everywhere I go, people say we had William.He was great.He was a joy to work with.
Yeah, it's been fun.Thank God people have been generally laughing.It would be bad.I'd probably have to stop doing it if people stopped laughing.So we'll see.Right this second, they're still laughing.So we'll see how long that can happen.
I give it maybe a couple years.I think I got probably another couple good years in me, so we'll see.So come to see me, because it's not going to be long until I really just stop doing it, so.
You're thinking about retiring, so.No, he's going to have to stop and take care of his mom. Is this true?I'll take care of it.It's true.Oh, my goodness.You're going to stop and take care of your mom?I might have to.
She's only getting older and I'm only getting older.And it's like, I don't know.You got to go back.You got to move back to Memphis.You got to help your mom.
You're thinking about within the next two years, retiring.Stopping.You're going to stop.
Yeah, it's really taking it out of me.
The road is.I thought you were never going to stop.
Oh, my God.Oh, my God.I was about to have a cue card for the first time in the show's history.
I was about to go... You ain't never gonna stop.But I didn't have to do it. One more time for the great and powerful William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.He's done it again.Go see him on tour.
Squarespace, Talkspace, GameTime, Shopify, ZipRecruiter.How loud can this place get for one of my favorite chemistry mixes, one of my favorite comedians, Sam Tallent. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in.It's literally cool as fuck.
Yeah.We're going to have to get you a frame print of that.That's one of the all time fucking greats right there.How about one more time for the best damn band in the land?Groovline Horns.
Follow the Kill Tony band on Instagram, Michael Gonzalez, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, D Madness, John Bees, Matt Mueling.A lot of fun stuff coming up, a lot of fun announcements, a lot of big stuff happening in our little universe.
Red Band, anything you want to say?Yeah, check out the Sunset Strip, ATX.com.Love you.Hey, how about an extra big hand for a hot episode tonight?Brian Red Band, everybody.Unbelievable.
You would have thought he worked in the comedy business if this was the first episode you saw tonight.
Sam, anything you want to say?Subscribe to my YouTube, and I'm so grateful to be part of the Kill Tony.Thank you.Thank you.We love you all.
God bless America.Thank you.Good night.
