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Episode: YOUR NEW FAVORITE SOCCER SHOW: GoalLess with Russell Howard and Chris Wittyngham

Author: Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett
Duration: 00:06:37

Episode Shownotes

GoalLess is a podcast that highlights the passion, personalities, and pitch drama that make soccer beautiful... and hilarious. Hosted by comedian and soccer obsessive Russell Howard and Major League Soccer commentator Chris Wittyngham, GoalLess covers the biggest stories from the Champions League, featuring analysis, laughs, and great guests. What's the

goal? You tell us! Brought to you by SmartLess Media and Meadowlark, with Paramount+https://link.chtbl.com/goalless Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

Full Transcript

00:00:00 Speaker_02
Will Arnett here with some huge news. Look, everyone knows the world of soccer has hundreds of leagues and competitions and etc. But there's one that stands above them all. The Champions League. Oh, champions! You know, the bed's better.

00:00:17 Speaker_02
Anyway, join our newest smartless media podcast called Goalless, where the hilarious and football-obsessed British comedian Russell Howard partners up with soccer-obsessed Champions League announcer Chris Whittingham to highlight the passion, personalities, and on-pitch drama that make soccer beautiful and hilarious.

00:00:35 Speaker_02
Built by fans for fans. So whether you're a fan of Liverpool, like you should be, Bayern Munich, Real Madrid, or Young Boys, no, no, which is an actual Swiss team called Young Boys, that's their name, we have got you covered.

00:00:49 Speaker_02
Every Monday and Thursday, the guys kick around the biggest stories from the Champions League, featuring analysis and laughs and stars who love the game. What's the goal? You tell us. But why should you listen to me? I'll hand it over to the experts.

00:01:01 Speaker_02
Here's the show trailer.

00:01:06 Speaker_01
Hello, I'm Chris Whittingham. I'm a commentator for CBS and Paramount Plus on the UEFA Champions League.

00:01:10 Speaker_00
And I'm Russell Howard, a stand-up comedian from Great Britain. Welcome to Goalless. Of all the unimportant things in life, we're here for the most important, football.

00:01:20 Speaker_01
He means soccer. Each week, we'll kick around the biggest stories, predictions, and results from the Champions League. We'll talk with players, comedians, and actors who share our love and passion for the game, plus news from the wider world of soccer.

00:01:32 Speaker_00
Istanbul! For the best goals to the funniest player trolls, disastrous decisions to disastrous haircuts, Goalless is your new favourite football show by fans for fans.

00:01:46 Speaker_01
Well, okay, actually I do have a slight history lesson for you here.

00:01:49 Speaker_00
Okay, okay.

00:01:50 Speaker_01
The word soccer is actually an English word. If you go back down the years, you watch some BBC broadcasts in the 1970s, 1980s, they're calling it soccer.

00:01:59 Speaker_00
Things evolve, my friend. We need a new word specifically for the podcast so that we can get through it. How about Footka? Sockball? Sockball? That could work.

00:02:09 Speaker_01
Sockball? That's not it. Now Russell, one of the biggest things for viewers to get used to in this year's Champions League is it's a completely different format. One 36-team league table where not everyone is playing each other home and away.

00:02:24 Speaker_01
Eight different opponents for every team. Realistically, I think the biggest thing for viewers to get used to is that Every week, there are going to be games between big teams, and that used to not be the case.

00:02:34 Speaker_01
If you're not watching your own team, you're going to watch whatever the biggest game is, and there will be one of those almost every single day of this league's day.

00:02:41 Speaker_00
That's a really good point, actually, isn't it? Because it means we don't have to wait to the quarterfinals for those kind of red-hot games.

00:02:48 Speaker_00
So the fact that Liverpool, like, we've got Real Madrid, so already I'm so excited, the idea that Bellingham and Bape, Vinicius Jr., I'll get to see them live. I met Bellingham. How cool is this, right? It was such an insane moment.

00:03:03 Speaker_00
He saw me at Heathrow Airport and he asked me for a photo because when he was young, he was a fan of my TV show. And it just blew my mind.

00:03:13 Speaker_00
But my phone was going through the security, so I didn't get the opportunity to also have my photo with Jude Bellingham. So I told my friends and none of them believed me.

00:03:23 Speaker_01
So you've got to get in touch with Jude Bellingham to get that picture off him.

00:03:27 Speaker_00
Yeah. But it was, you know, one of those moments where you meet somebody so impressive and it just happens in a kind of a blur. And I kind of got very formal.

00:03:35 Speaker_00
And when I met his mom, I was like, you know, I think I said... Mrs. Bellingham, lovely to meet you. I think I did. I went, Mrs. Bellingham, your son is an absolutely phenomenal footballer. You should be very proud.

00:03:46 Speaker_00
I kind of, maybe that's what ruined it. Maybe he was like, I think he's cracking on to my mum, which I wasn't in any way. Any footballer who would you like to meet?

00:03:56 Speaker_01
Zlatan. I would kind of love to meet Zlatan, even though he would absolutely overwhelm me. I work for our Serie A coverage at Paramount+. And he went up to the desk and straight away was like, oh, this is the B team.

00:04:07 Speaker_01
What happened to the A team that does the Champions League? And I was like, just what an absolute savage this man is. I don't know if I could really speak to him.

00:04:15 Speaker_00
It would be weird. He's a terrifying guy. He's really funny as well. And he also has the look of a man who could break into a zoo and fight a gorilla. Do you know what I mean? Blank.

00:04:25 Speaker_01
Well, okay, he could talk his way into doing that and then probably not farewell against the gorilla, I would imagine.

00:04:33 Speaker_00
Again, it's a challenge. So we need to get a photo from Jude Bellingham and we need to find a way Zlatan, he's not busy, he's not playing. Let's get him into a zoo. Let's get the right gorilla and let's make that happen.

00:04:46 Speaker_01
Ricardo Calafiore stole Europe's hearts this summer because of his wonderful haircut. The Italians usually bring the hair to the competition, Germans as well.

00:04:55 Speaker_01
Do you feel like we will have better hairstyle in the Champions League because it's Italy and Germany, maybe not England, that is getting the extra spot in the Champions League?

00:05:04 Speaker_00
Do you know, I've never thought about the locks. of my nation, but you're right, I think Italian men have the best hair.

00:05:13 Speaker_01
Go down the years, Pirlo, Nesta, Maldini, and now, I mean, Calafiore. If you had said to Arsenal fans before the Euros, hey, we're going to sign Riccardo Calafiore, you wouldn't have heard of him.

00:05:24 Speaker_01
But all of a sudden you see his hair and you think, this is the best defender that we've ever seen. Our teeth are bad.

00:05:29 Speaker_00
That's what the English are known for, we have bad teeth. But is it our hair as well? Is that what America thinks of us, that we have bad hair? Jack Grealish!

00:05:37 Speaker_01
Jack Grealish has got great hair! Jack Grealish has wonderful hair. Wonderful hair. But also, I do think Wayne Rooney was not the best diplomat in this regard.

00:05:46 Speaker_00
Yeah, he's probably fair. I was just thinking then, some of our great footballers, except for Beckham, do look like they were kind of... something happened in the laboratory with a potato.

00:05:59 Speaker_00
From Smartless Media, Meadowlark, Sirius, and Paramount+, listen to Goalless wherever you get your podcasts. The first episode premieres on September the 19th.

00:06:09 Speaker_01
Don't forget to follow Goalless for new episodes right when they drop, and join us on social at Goalless The Show.

00:06:18 Speaker_02
You can listen to Goalless anywhere you get your podcasts. Whether you're a longtime fan or new to the sport, Goalless is the place to go to get information and have some laughs, which is nice for everybody. So what are you waiting for?

00:06:30 Speaker_02
Go and give Goalless a follow. Goalless is proudly sponsored by Paramount Plus, the home of the UEFA Champions League.