To Anyone Going Through a Breakup: How to Heal a Broken Heart & Move On AI transcript and summary - episode of podcast The Mel Robbins Podcast

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Episode: To Anyone Going Through a Breakup: How to Heal a Broken Heart & Move On

Author: Mel Robbins
Duration: 01:25:29

Episode Shownotes

If you’re going through a breakup, or someone you love is, this episode is dedicated to you.Mel is sharing the #1 cure for your broken heart, and is here to help you navigate the incredibly difficult process of moving forward after a breakup.This is also a resource to share with

anyone in your life who is going through heartbreak.In this episode, Mel is joined by her daughter Sawyer, who recently went through the biggest breakup of her life. They reveal research-backed strategies and the real, raw emotions of going through loss and grief, and together, they walk you through the painful task of learning how to live without someone you loved.If you're ready for guidance on healing and moving forward, this episode is for you. Get a copy of Mel’s new book, The Let Them Theory, which she mentions in this episode.For more resources, including links to the studies mentioned in the episode, click here for the podcast episode page.If you liked this episode, listen to this one next: Let Go of Negative Thoughts & Reprogram Your Mind for More Positive ThinkingConnect with Mel: Watch the episodes on YouTubeGet Mel’s new book, The Let Them TheoryFollow Mel on Instagram The Mel Robbins Podcast InstagramMel's TikTok Sign up for Mel’s personal letter Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to ad-free new episodes Disclaimer

Summary

In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Mel and her daughter Sawyer navigate the emotional turmoil of breakups, emphasizing the importance of acknowledging pain and the necessity of processing emotions. They discuss the 'Breakup Survival Guide', which includes the impact of grief, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and the significance of the 30-day no contact rule for healing. Mel provides actionable advice for moving forward while highlighting the connections between heartbreak and personal growth. Their heartfelt discussion offers listeners support in overcoming heartbreak and embracing new beginnings.

Go to PodExtra AI's episode page (To Anyone Going Through a Breakup: How to Heal a Broken Heart & Move On) to play and view complete AI-processed content: summary, mindmap, topics, takeaways, transcript, keywords and highlights.

Full Transcript

00:00:00 Speaker_04
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. So earlier this year, our oldest daughter Sawyer went through the single biggest heartbreaker of her life.

00:00:17 Speaker_04
The guy that she had been in a relationship with for two years, they broke up. And I'm gonna tell you something, we were all devastated. His family was devastated, we were devastated, but they were really devastated.

00:00:30 Speaker_04
And it was one of the hardest experiences I've gone through as a parent. to watch my child mourn and experience heartbreak, I really didn't know how to support her.

00:00:46 Speaker_04
And I wouldn't have been able to talk about this with you months ago, because I want to respect her privacy and his privacy, and we were just in it. But it's seven months later, and Sawyer and I have dug into this.

00:00:59 Speaker_04
And we've done the research and reflected on her experience and my experience.

00:01:04 Speaker_04
And I am so excited to be able to tell you that we have put together the official Mel Robbins Podcast Breakup Survival Guide that is gonna help you move through heartache and it's gonna help you support people that you love who are going through a breakup.

00:01:22 Speaker_04
because the fact is, as painful as these experiences are, you can move through it. And on the other side of it is an unbelievably powerful, wiser, and more loving version of you. Hey, it's your friend Mel. Welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

00:01:49 Speaker_04
I am so thrilled that you're here. I have been wanting to talk about heartbreak and breakup with you for a long time. And today is the day. And so thank you for being here. If you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast, I want to welcome you.

00:02:04 Speaker_04
To the Mel Robbins Podcast family, you have picked a remarkable conversation to listen to. I am sure you're listening to this if you're new because somebody that you love sent this to you. And so thank you for choosing to press play.

00:02:18 Speaker_04
The fact that you pressed play on this particular episode tells me that you really do know that you deserve an incredible life, that you deserve to be happy, that you deserve to feel love, and the conversation today is gonna leave you empowered.

00:02:37 Speaker_04
It's gonna give you very specific things to do. This is stuff that I wish that I had known way back in the day when I've gone through breakups and heartaches. These are tools that you're going to learn based on

00:02:51 Speaker_04
what my daughter found incredibly helpful as she was going through the biggest heartbreak of her life earlier this year. And speaking of that, Sawyer, thank you for being here with me.

00:03:03 Speaker_02
Thank you for having me, mom.

00:03:05 Speaker_04
Of course. And, you know, thank you for doing this because you're a private person. And this was a extremely painful experience for you to go through this breakup.

00:03:22 Speaker_04
And I just really appreciate you being willing to come on and talk about not the details of the breakup, but how the breakup impacted you.

00:03:32 Speaker_04
And we're gonna cover a lot today, and so I just wanna start by saying, whether you are listening to us right now, and you're in the middle of the tsunami, you just found out that the person that you love is cheating, it's over.

00:03:49 Speaker_04
Somebody pulled you aside, relationship's over. You've had the conversation about commitment or taking the relationship to the next level,

00:04:02 Speaker_04
You might be going through a divorce or you're in this stage where you just keep dating people over and over and over and now you don't wanna date again. This conversation is for you.

00:04:15 Speaker_04
This conversation is also for you if you are watching someone that you love go through heartbreak or breakup.

00:04:24 Speaker_04
And I want to start by saying that I am not going to tell you to love yourself because that's the last frickin' thing you want to hear right now. And it's the world's worst advice. Why is that the worst advice, Tara?

00:04:35 Speaker_02
Because you hate yourself after a breakup. You feel insecure. You feel disgusting. You feel unwanted. You feel undesirable. You feel rejected. And trying to, quote, love yourself when the person you really wanted to feel love from is impossible.

00:04:58 Speaker_02
And I think no one knows how to just fall back in love with their self immediately.

00:05:07 Speaker_02
I think another thing that people say is get back out there, distract yourself, get back into work, pour yourself into so many different avenues just so you don't think about the person. But the reality is you think about them all day, every day.

00:05:23 Speaker_02
It's unavoidable. and other people pressuring you to get back into your own life. And you're expected to go back to your nine to five and perform and get back in the family.

00:05:37 Speaker_02
Pretend you're having fun with friends when you're inside crying and miserable. And it's really hard. And so I think That is another thing that I would avoid saying. And just letting people feel what they need to feel in these moments is the answer.

00:05:56 Speaker_04
I would love for you to speak directly to the person listening. And in particular, I want you to remember what it felt like seven months ago. When. The breakup hit.

00:06:13 Speaker_04
and you are now single and you are staring down an entire summer with canceled plans and the person that you love moving on, if the person who's in the middle of that devastated, if they take everything to heart that we are about to share today,

00:06:38 Speaker_04
and all of the little tools and the framework that we're gonna give you for how we want you to look at this moment in your life, what could they expect to change if they put this to use?

00:06:52 Speaker_02
Well, the first thing I will say is I've been there very wholeheartedly and not crying and talking to my friends about it, but on the ground, convulsive crying and my mom holding me as I'm like flailing, having a panic attack.

00:07:09 Speaker_02
So been there, done that. You are not alone. But what I will say is no one knows how to support you as you're going through a breakup. And I think

00:07:22 Speaker_02
What you will get out of this guide is not only how to support yourself through this, but also how to ask for help from other people as you're moving through this, which I am horrible at doing and never asked for help and felt like I could do it on my own or cry alone in my room with my therapist, but not actually ask the people who are right in front of me.

00:07:46 Speaker_02
And I think that these tools and tricks, what I love about them is you can do them immediately and they suck just like any other healthy way to go through a breakup. But they work versus someone saying, push through it, girlfriend, you got this.

00:08:06 Speaker_02
That is so unhelpful. And often that's what people say. You just got to go through it, Sawyer. Move through it. What the hell does that even mean? OK, do I need to be sitting on the floor absolutely sobbing? Maybe. Yeah. And I did. But that didn't help.

00:08:24 Speaker_02
That was not a tool for me to activate and for me to use to move through it. That was me processing it.

00:08:33 Speaker_04
Oh, hold the phone. That's a huge, huge takeaway.

00:08:40 Speaker_04
So one of the first things to understand is the difference between processing a breakup and then what you do to support yourself or someone you love as they move through a breakup and start to build a life without this person.

00:09:04 Speaker_04
Because that's what you're doing. And I think that is a genius distinction because we collapse the two into one, which is why the advice sucks. The advice, push through it. Get on a revenge diet.

00:09:17 Speaker_04
Another horrendous thing to do, by the way, because a revenge diet is all about you getting in better shape and taking better care of yourself and looking better because you're taking better care of yourself to get back at someone else, which basically means you're still attached to this person that dumped you.

00:09:35 Speaker_04
So the motivation is tied to this person who's no longer in your life, which, by the way, keeps them in your life. If you wanna get healthy, if you wanna prioritize yourself, which you should, do it for you. But don't you dare do it as a revenge diet.

00:09:52 Speaker_04
That's gonna backfire because it keeps this relationship and this person in your life when, if you're in a breakup, you gotta move on and build a life without them.

00:10:01 Speaker_02
But there you go, that's not what I wanna hear. The thing about breaking up is that I want to keep this person in my mind for as long as possible. I want to feel bad about myself.

00:10:14 Speaker_02
I want to punish myself by going on a revenge diet or doing this or stalking them on Instagram or checking their location or making fantasies up in my mind about what their kids are going to look like with some other girl.

00:10:26 Speaker_02
And I think that that is the issue, is that people going through a breakup We all want to keep the idea in our mind of what the life we had could have been. And we do that through

00:10:50 Speaker_04
everything. What are the ways in which you kept your boyfriend front and center in your mind? And I'm talking after you broke up, because I want you to normalize, because we're gonna break our conversation today into two huge revolutionary epiphanies.

00:11:04 Speaker_04
The first one is to teach you what it means to process a breakup, and we're not gonna just talk about it on like terms that you can all relate to. We're gonna dive deep into what's actually happening in your body.

00:11:15 Speaker_04
Because processing a breakup is a neurological, physiological, and chemical process where you unlearn the patterns of your life.

00:11:30 Speaker_04
because when you're in a relationship, you become intertwined neurologically, physiologically, and psychologically with the other person.

00:11:41 Speaker_04
So you're going to have to process the untangling and deprogramming of having this person in your life day to day, and it's why

00:11:53 Speaker_04
everybody who gets broken up with does whatever they can to keep the person front and center in their mind because you're used to it, you're intertwined.

00:12:03 Speaker_04
So what are some of the things that you would do every day that kept your boyfriend like right there on your mind and kept you in the middle of the breakup instead of truly processing it through your body, mind, and spirit?

00:12:16 Speaker_02
So first I'll talk about what I was doing wrong. OK. To keep us intertwined. And then I will tell you about what my therapist shared with me to start the unwinding process, which was painful but very, very effective.

00:12:32 Speaker_02
So how I kept me and him intertwined in my mind was what I think a lot of us do these days, which is stalking them on Instagram constantly, posting photos of myself that

00:12:48 Speaker_02
with the goal of not, oh, I love this photo of myself, but more so, did he like it? Did he like it? Did he see it? Did he see it? And I think other ways are just thinking about him 24-7.

00:13:01 Speaker_02
And instead of doing a meditation or trying to switch the channel in my mind or go for a walk or distract myself,

00:13:10 Speaker_02
I would just spiral in my mind and I would end up sobbing and it would just be how can I make myself think about his future with other people that's not me. And it's true. It's like I how can I keep our

00:13:32 Speaker_02
relationship alive in my mind while it's not even existing. Other ways I did it were just constantly looking at old photos of us, constantly looking at videos of us, writing in my journal about him. Obviously, again, that's helpful. It's processing.

00:13:50 Speaker_02
But to what extent? Another way that I would keep us entwined in my mind and to not let go of this idea that our future is over is I would bring him up in conversation all the time. So let's say his name is Darren.

00:14:09 Speaker_02
I would always bring up, oh, me and Darren used to do that. Or, oh, Darren loves that. That's his favorite meal. Or not necessarily even about our breakup, but just ways to, like, bring him up as if we were still together when we were very much not.

00:14:30 Speaker_02
And or Darren's mom loves that or she used to get me that sweater. It was every little thing to try to keep him alive in my mind. And I was very aware of it, too. And no one ever brought it up with me or made me feel bad about it.

00:14:46 Speaker_02
But I noticed it myself and realized this is not healthy and I need to stop. myself whenever I have a thought that rises, and instead of just blurting it out, I need to calm it down, I need to let him, I need to move forward.

00:15:03 Speaker_04
There was a very interesting twist on all this, because as you were going through this, and I would go from watching you wear pajamas for five days in a row and never changing, and you're clearly in a depressive state,

00:15:15 Speaker_04
And then I would think you were okay, because you were going to go exercise, and then I'd walk to where you were exercising, you're on the floor crying, and I just wanted to fix it. I just wanted it to be okay.

00:15:28 Speaker_04
I had so much anxiety and discomfort watching you go through heartbreak. that I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to say it.

00:15:39 Speaker_04
And to put an even bigger twist on this, Sawyer and I at the time were working on researching the section of the Let Them Theory book all about love and breakups, and here she was going through the biggest breakup of her life.

00:15:58 Speaker_04
Do you want to hear something really ironic?

00:16:00 Speaker_02
Yes. That the morning of I was writing the breakup section of the new Let Them Theory book and writing this entire list, let them go and be with other people. Let them move on. Let them get fit and hot and let them love another person more than you.

00:16:21 Speaker_02
Let them not send you flowers anymore. Let them let them, let them, let them. That night, I get broken up with. Next morning, dole-eat. I was like, absolutely not. That's not what I want to hear. Let him go and do whatever he wants? No.

00:16:36 Speaker_02
And so it's so ironic that we were writing this book together, and I literally was writing the heartbreak chapter. as I was not only getting broken up with, but moving through this, and I was like, that's the universe. Hello. It sure is.

00:16:56 Speaker_04
And so I want to read a section from the Let Them book, because we're talking about the first step, which is just understanding what the breakup actually is, and this first part, which is processing it. And so this is in the section on love.

00:17:16 Speaker_04
I'm reading from page 283, and it's a section called Surviving Heartbreak. I wanna speak directly to you or someone you love who's going through heartbreak. This will be one of the hardest things you ever experience. And you're gonna get through this.

00:17:32 Speaker_04
The worst thing someone can say to you when a relationship has just ended is that you should focus on loving yourself. That is the world's worst advice because when you're going through heartbreak, You often hate yourself. You question everything.

00:17:47 Speaker_04
You wonder if you'll ever find love again. And you want your old life back. You wish you could go back to the way things were. You want what you used to have. And it feels like your heart is shattering, because it is. What you're feeling is grief.

00:18:03 Speaker_04
The life you thought you were going to live has died. And just like the experience of losing a loved one, when you go through heartbreak, you will experience all of the same stages of grief, and it's gonna consume you.

00:18:17 Speaker_04
For days, weeks, even months, you will think of this person nonstop. you're gonna have to resist the urge all day, every day to text or call or listen to their voice memos or look at the photos or check their location or watch their online stories.

00:18:39 Speaker_04
And I didn't know what to do to support Sawyer. And so I reached out to my therapist and I write about this in the book. And so I was speaking to my therapist, Anne, about this. And this is what she explained. And this is where

00:18:55 Speaker_04
my entire understanding of what breakups and heartbreak really are, and why it's so hard, and why you need to understand that you have to give yourself space to process, and that this is critical.

00:19:11 Speaker_04
Listen to what Anne said, we write about this on page 284. It hurts so deeply because everything about them is intertwined in your nervous system. They have been a part of you and you have been a part of them for a long time.

00:19:26 Speaker_04
It's why you can still feel their presence and you can hear their voice. You're so used to talking to them every day and so you naturally want to reach out. Yes, you miss them, but your nervous system also misses them.

00:19:41 Speaker_04
And the ways in which they've become intertwined with your experience of life, this is normal. What my therapist was explaining is the neurological, psychological, physiological, and chemical aspect of what it feels like to experience heartbreak.

00:20:00 Speaker_04
It's the same thing as grief. You have to unlearn your life with them so that you can start living your life without them.

00:20:10 Speaker_04
That's why you have to give yourself time to process this enormous change in your body and your mind and your spirit and your patterns. As you walk down the street or you drive in your car, you're gonna imagine that they're there next to you.

00:20:28 Speaker_04
As you have a thought, you can almost hear what they would say back to you. If something good happens, you're gonna feel yourself wanting to share it with them. If something changes in your family, you'll wish you could tell them.

00:20:41 Speaker_04
I even felt this related to you and him. And I know his parents did too. That as things were happening in both of our families, we were so used to like texting each other and sharing photos that I, I mean, I'm not even in a relationship with him.

00:20:58 Speaker_04
Like I felt bad that I felt that, but it's true. If you think about the fact that you have to process the experience of someone no longer being part of the experience of your life.

00:21:13 Speaker_04
That context makes you think about this differently and have more compassion for yourself, and it makes you realize that you're not some weak weirdo. Your body is wired to do life with this person.

00:21:28 Speaker_04
And so you are learning how to not do life with this person. And that's what all of these first several painful months and the heartache is all about. Because it's not just that your heart is breaking. It's all these patterns in your life.

00:21:42 Speaker_04
It's the circuitry in your body. It's your nervous system. It's the thoughts in your mind. It's the images in your heart. It's the songs you used to listen to.

00:21:51 Speaker_04
I used to feel like I was hurting you if I listened to Noah Kahn, Sawyer, because he's the one that introduced me to him. And it's true. It's true that it's a process.

00:22:06 Speaker_04
When you get dressed for work, when you climb into bed at the end of the day, when you wake up alone in the morning, they're going to be the first thing on your mind.

00:22:17 Speaker_02
Yeah, I think the biggest thing that my therapist said to me is that when you go through heartbreak, it's the exact same thing as when someone dies, because one day they're in your life and the next day they're not. You can't reach out to them.

00:22:34 Speaker_02
You can't call them. And all you want to do is do just that. And so it's almost like you go through these stages of grief while knowing they're actually still there.

00:22:50 Speaker_04
One of my favorite songs by John Mayer is In the Atmosphere. Living in the Atmosphere. I don't know, is that what it's called? Yes, it is. Okay. On our break. Because you've listened to it on repeat? Yes, I know it. And it is a song about a breakup.

00:23:05 Speaker_04
Because he has this one line that haunts me, where he talks about watching your life play out from pictures from afar.

00:23:12 Speaker_04
And then he talks about how he goes to the city where this person is, and he says, I'd die if I saw you, but I'd die if I didn't see you there. Oh my God, it just makes me cry.

00:23:25 Speaker_04
And Sawyer, you really worked on this part of the book in the middle of this, and you write this paragraph. You'll live in the fear and in hope of bumping into them. You'll watch their life play out in pictures.

00:23:41 Speaker_04
You'll be terrified of the day that you'll learn they've met someone else. The hardest part about a breakup is that you have to go through it. There's no avoiding it.

00:23:51 Speaker_04
You experience it in every cell of your body because you must unlearn what it was like to be with them and learn how to live your life again without them. This is why so many of you hold on for so long. And let them will not make this easy.

00:24:12 Speaker_04
Let them will not remove the pain. LetThem helps you process the reality that they're no longer there. Totally.

00:24:22 Speaker_04
And that brings me to this rule of thumb that my therapist, who also happens to be your therapist, we talk about her as the smartest person we've ever met, her name is Anne Davin, and Anne has this incredible rule of thumb that we also write about in the LetThem Theory book.

00:24:43 Speaker_04
And this is not easy. You're gonna hate this. But here it is. No contact for 30 days. None. No contact, 30 days. And the reason why is that any contact at all, whether it's seeing a photo, but particularly their voice, she said.

00:25:06 Speaker_04
You cannot watch videos, you cannot listen to voice memos, because their voice is so supercharged in terms of its coding in your body and your nervous system and your brain, that the second you hear their voice,

00:25:25 Speaker_04
it will activate all the old patterns in your nervous system, and it forces you to take a huge step back in the processing and unlearning of life with this person. Can you talk about that a little bit?

00:25:39 Speaker_04
Because you went through it, and I'm gonna be honest with you.

00:25:42 Speaker_04
When you told me that Anne said, no contact, 30 days, no photos, and I was a good mom, I went to our Aura digital frame, and they got a handy feature where you can hide photos, and I remember sitting on the couch, just tearing up, hiding all the photos of the two of you, so they wouldn't be on the frame in the kitchen.

00:26:05 Speaker_04
Thank you for that. You're welcome. And can you talk a little bit, because I was thinking there, I don't know if I could go 30 days. I was like the most anxiously attached person. I would have been a stalker.

00:26:17 Speaker_04
I would have been that psycho girlfriend that shows up, you know, on your doorstep. Like, I don't know that I could have gone 30 days, but you stuck to this. What was it like? And what did you do? And why did you do it?

00:26:36 Speaker_02
Yeah, so the thing about this heartbreak is it's not my first, but it's definitely the worst.

00:26:47 Speaker_02
And so I definitely learned from my first heartbreak in that I reached out immediately, we got back together, and that set the standard for the next five years of my life. It was a constant coming in and out of each other's lives.

00:27:04 Speaker_02
I could not get over him. And I was so miserable. And I think that I really learned from that in that clearly the contact is the death of me. When our therapist, Anne, told me

00:27:29 Speaker_02
the day after I got my heart broken, this time around, that you cannot reach out for 30 days. Of course, that was very effective advice. But I was like, shoot, I really want to reach out. I have

00:27:50 Speaker_02
25 impulses every single day to reach out to him, call him, text him on Instagram and on social media. Every single funny video, I would literally go to send it to him and then realize we're not together anymore. I can't send this.

00:28:06 Speaker_02
And it's unlearning all those patterns, untangling our nervous systems. And I think when she said you cannot reach out for 30 days, It was really hard, but it also was a challenge. It gave me something to work towards.

00:28:27 Speaker_02
And I think that that really helped me because I had nothing else to go off of. And I was considering reaching out multiple times and every day, every day. And I think that

00:28:45 Speaker_02
I was just so determined to unlearn the pattern of what I did previously of going back and I wouldn't say wasting, but going through five years of my life with the same person that I knew we both weren't meant to be together.

00:29:01 Speaker_02
And I wasn't going to allow myself to do that again. And so that is the only reason why I stuck it out for 30 days. But not being said, morning of the 30th day. What's up? Check the box. Oh, my gosh. July 12th. Ring, ring, ring. I know the exact day.

00:29:26 Speaker_02
I was so proud of myself. But I think that it it really what I will say is And what Anne said to me is, I'm so proud of you for waiting 30 days.

00:29:39 Speaker_02
And I think it honestly did really help me unlearn a lot of the patterns, because when I picked up the phone, of course, I'm an emotional person sobbing immediately.

00:29:50 Speaker_04
But what was it like to hear his voice for the first time, having not spoken to him for 30 days?

00:29:59 Speaker_02
Yeah. Well, I remember having pretty much a panic attack and nerves and anxious bathroom breaks and absolutely everything was going on. But I can now look back and again, realize I probably shouldn't have reached out. And I think it did set me back.

00:30:25 Speaker_02
Well, I did feel better. I personally don't really believe in closure. And so I think it didn't give me the closure I was looking for.

00:30:35 Speaker_04
Well, let's stop there, because I think we want someone else to say something to make you feel better. And that's why we seek closure. But what

00:30:44 Speaker_04
closure actually means now that we're defining a breakup and this 30-day rule as giving yourself this space to start processing the separation in your nervous system and the grieving that you need to do.

00:31:06 Speaker_04
is that I think people see closure because they don't understand the fact that they're grieving and that they are having to process this deprogramming of life with another person.

00:31:24 Speaker_04
And so the closure you think is just going to somehow reset your nervous system and you're gonna be fine. And that's gonna be that. And it doesn't actually happen. Because that work is internal. I think no one else can ever give you closure.

00:31:45 Speaker_04
And here's the other point I'm gonna say, because I know somebody is listening to us right now and go, oh, no, no, no. When he told me he was in love with somebody else and was cheating, that closed the door.

00:31:53 Speaker_04
Well, what it actually did was forced you to process it. because you knew then there was no going back. And it was you holding out hope and you checking in and you having this relationship alive in your mind that didn't allow for the closure.

00:32:13 Speaker_04
You didn't actually process because you didn't follow this rule of absolutely no contact for 30 days. You know, this feels like a really good point to take a quick pause and hear a word from our sponsors, because I really want you to just settle in.

00:32:30 Speaker_04
what we just shared with you. Because I think we all have that past relationship, that if we could go back in time, we'd do it differently.

00:32:37 Speaker_04
And for me, what's helped me a lot, so that I don't just wallow in shame and beat the hell out of myself, is to really look for the lesson and the fact that had I known this, had I had this breakup guide, had I had these tools, I wouldn't have acted like that, I didn't know.

00:32:55 Speaker_04
And so in the famous words of Maya Angelou, now that you know better, you can do better. And by sharing this with you as you're listening, I hope we save you the heartache that we have caused ourselves and other people unnecessarily.

00:33:12 Speaker_04
and that you don't have to do that because you now know.

00:33:16 Speaker_04
And if you share this with someone in your life, you actually save them from causing themselves or other people the headache and heartache that they will otherwise go through because they don't know.

00:33:27 Speaker_04
And that's how we help each other through this thing called life. Alrighty, don't go anywhere, because we got so much more to share with you, and we'll be waiting for you after this short break.

00:33:47 Speaker_04
Welcome back, it's your friend Mel and today I'm here with my daughter and we are sharing the breakup survival guide and we were just talking about this huge topic of your nervous system and unlearning and the toxic patterns that you get into whether it's

00:34:04 Speaker_04
thinking about the fantasy in your mind, or the way you keep latching on to other people, or going back to them, or torturing yourself, or stalking them, legally, I'm talking like the social media stuff here, and how you shouldn't and you don't have to do that.

00:34:22 Speaker_04
That this toolkit and everything we're teaching you is gonna make you wiser and more self-aware so you can support yourself and choose a different response.

00:34:31 Speaker_04
I would also love for you to just talk a little bit, Sawyer, about the difference between taking the 30 days of no contact and truly separating versus what you did throughout college, back and forth, with somebody that you never truly separated from.

00:34:51 Speaker_04
Like, because it wasn't just on your side or his side, it was that both of you wouldn't move on.

00:34:59 Speaker_04
And do you think if there had been, if you had followed what you're about to talk about now, that processing and forced separation would have allowed you to move forward and not be in a dynamic that wasn't healthy for either one of you for all those years?

00:35:17 Speaker_02
Yeah, I literally wrote that down right now.

00:35:20 Speaker_02
I wrote down if I had had these tools that we're about to talk about, including the 30 day rule, including the reality that you and another person's nervous systems are intertwined together and therefore you need to unlearn all of these neural pathways and these impulses that I think I would have gotten over my previous boyfriend.

00:35:47 Speaker_02
A lot quicker.

00:35:48 Speaker_04
And him over you, too.

00:35:49 Speaker_02
Yes. Both of us would have been so much better off had we had this toolkit and the survival guide. But instead, I took five years.

00:36:03 Speaker_04
Makes a lot of sense. And, you know, we've talked about the 30 day rule, and I'm glad you keep coming to the nervous system, because here's what I also want to highlight. It's normal to wanna reach out because you're used to reaching out.

00:36:16 Speaker_04
It's normal to wanna text their parents because you're used to it. It's normal to wanna send the meme. It doesn't mean you're meant to be together. Those are impulses and signaling and habits in your nervous system.

00:36:31 Speaker_04
That is not a sign from God that this is your person.

00:36:35 Speaker_04
And when you understand that it's just like any other form of withdrawal, you're gonna feel it, and the work here is to notice it, and I'm hoping that when you, whether it's you in the breakup or you supporting someone, understand that this is an unlearning, that you can give space and compassion to the impulse without acting on it.

00:36:58 Speaker_04
And that's where the let them theory comes in, because you gotta say let them. Let them leave, let them break up, and then you move to the second part, let me. Let me keep my promise to myself, no contact 30 days.

00:37:09 Speaker_04
Let me take a breath here and remind myself that I promised myself that I would have no contact. Let me take a breath and send this meme to my sister or my mom. Let me take a breath and drive down a different road instead of driving down their road.

00:37:27 Speaker_04
let me support myself through this 30 days. And I'm gonna keep reading from the Let Them Theory book. This is page 285. This is the hard part. And you're gonna be in the thick of it for at least three months.

00:37:43 Speaker_04
We gave you the 30-day rule from our therapist, which is about the processing that you need, but I want you to really understand whether you're in it or supporting someone else through it.

00:37:58 Speaker_04
this is at least three months of not going, you gotta love yourself, push through it, put yourself out there. Why are you moping around the house, okay? And why am I saying three months?

00:38:11 Speaker_04
Because that's how long the research says it takes to grieve a breakup before you start to feel better.

00:38:17 Speaker_04
Now, I don't know about you, but if I know it's gonna be three months before I start to feel better, I now have a mile marker that I can look out to and say, all right, I'm gonna be processing for three months. Here's what the research says.

00:38:34 Speaker_04
By the 11-week mark, 71% of people feel better. 71% of people. And I'm offering that as a benchmark to give you some comfort that yes, it will get better. And it may get better in 11 days.

00:38:49 Speaker_04
Like no contact for you might be like, okay, I've unlearned that and I don't miss it. Let's go. Okay. And it might take 11 weeks for you to go. I actually feel better and I'm going to be okay. And it might take you a little longer, but it will get better.

00:39:08 Speaker_04
And the let them theory is gonna help you move through this and learn from it because you're gonna keep going, let them, let them, let them date other people, let them hook up with other people, let them break up with me, let them not reach out, let them.

00:39:24 Speaker_04
look like they're having fun on social media, let them look like their life's a party, let them date somebody who's really wealthy and now they're going on trips that we could never do and I'm sitting here alone in my parents' basement, like let them, let them, let them.

00:39:41 Speaker_04
No contact for 30 days, three months to process this, 11 weeks you'll start to feel better. And here's the other thing I want you to know. All this sadness, is a mentally healthy response to heartbreak.

00:39:57 Speaker_04
And when you're ready, there are a couple things that based on the research Sawyer and I are gonna teach you, just six simple things that you can do that are proven to help you move through this processing part in a more powerful, productive, and supportive way.

00:40:15 Speaker_04
Things that help you with the processing, things that help you move forward, things that help you connect with yourself and remind you of who you are. So when you reached out to him, did you guys get back together? No.

00:40:30 Speaker_04
And after you spoke, because you have had the 30 day break of zero contact, I mean, no photos, no nothing, no social, no nothing.

00:40:44 Speaker_04
how did you feel even though that conversation didn't result in a, I miss you, let's get back together, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, it was like, thanks, bye.

00:40:58 Speaker_02
I definitely was upset at first, I will be honest. But I don't think I was nearly as upset as I think I would have been had I reached out five days after we broke up.

00:41:13 Speaker_02
I think the time and the space, I know a lot of people say that helps, but I do think forcing myself to cut ties, to not reach out, I think it also helped that he didn't reach out. So I wasn't Well, I wish he did. He didn't.

00:41:34 Speaker_02
And that completed the full 30 days for the both of us. And I think that when we had our conversation, which I wanted to call and just talk a little bit about the breakup, because our initial parting was very short.

00:41:55 Speaker_02
And so I wanted to, quote, get a little more closure. Did I get the closure? No. But did I feel like I could really move on at that point? Yes, because I had the official no from him. And that being said, I was not on an upward path after that.

00:42:15 Speaker_02
it was a continuous rolling hill. So, that day, after hanging up, I was feeling good, I was feeling better, okay, I can move on.

00:42:25 Speaker_02
The next week, sobbing on the gym floor again, hyperventilating, crying, making up fantasies, stalking him constantly, maybe stalking his location sometimes, and being a weirdo like most of us are, but...

00:42:41 Speaker_02
it wasn't just an upward trajectory after that. It was three months and then some to really start to feel like I was going to get over this and going to move past this. And what I will say about that is the only

00:43:01 Speaker_02
LetThem, the tool of LetThem helped me so much in this breakup because every time I saw a photo of him with someone else or on the stories because they would come up, I couldn't control that.

00:43:18 Speaker_02
And the first thing that would come to my mind is let them. I can't control who he's going to be with. I can't control what he's going to do. I can't control who he's going to sleep with. I can't control his life. He's no longer in my life.

00:43:32 Speaker_02
And that is his decision. It's not mine. And so therefore, just constantly saying, let them, let them, let them, and let me be really sad. Let me grieve. I remember telling you all the time, like, just let me be sad. Stop trying to solve everything.

00:43:49 Speaker_02
Stop trying to make me feel better. Let me grieve. Let me be sad. I need to feel this.

00:43:56 Speaker_02
And I know everyone around you when you're going through a breakup, they just want to make you feel better because your emotions make them feel really uncomfortable and it brings up stuff for them.

00:44:05 Speaker_02
And so they just want to squash whatever you're feeling and distract you and I'll take a shot or I'll go do this. What you need to do as someone who is going through the breakup, is you can say to people, let me be sad. You are one of my best friends.

00:44:22 Speaker_02
Let me bring him up in every conversation because I have to talk about him right now. I have to bring this up. And that's a way that you can let them while let me still be grieving and be sad and moving through it and processing.

00:44:38 Speaker_02
And to be honest, I kept doing that and kept doing that.

00:44:44 Speaker_02
And it was helpful, but the only thing that actually got me to the acceptance stage, which we'll talk about next, and everything that you can move once you actually accept that this relationship is over, is the fact that the future I had made up in my mind was never actually gonna happen.

00:45:09 Speaker_02
And that is the only thing that I was completely unwilling to accept. always thinking about us getting back together, or five years from now, running into each other in the street of New York City. Oh, nice to see you.

00:45:24 Speaker_02
20 pounds lighter, hair blown out, Botox, all the same.

00:45:28 Speaker_04
And even that, like... So you still, even though you accepted the breakup, you had not accepted the fact that at the end of the aisle, He would not be there.

00:45:42 Speaker_02
Yes.

00:45:42 Speaker_04
That when your children are born, they would not be with him. I did not accept that.

00:45:49 Speaker_02
And that is what, like, kept him around for so long, is I... In your mind, in a fantasy. In my mind. Because he was not around. No. Not in my text, not in my, not in anything. It's dry. Just like your vagina. No, literally. No, I'm just kidding.

00:46:06 Speaker_02
No, literally. Cobwebs. Especially when you're living at your parents' house. But it honestly is all about the fantasy. I think that that was what happened in my last relationship.

00:46:21 Speaker_02
That's what happened in this relationship is after it was over, I was accepting of the fact that we had broken up. I was accepting of the fact that, you know what, there probably is someone else out there for me.

00:46:32 Speaker_02
You know what, like, we didn't agree on this or that or the other thing, and maybe there is someone better. I don't know. And everything happens for a reason. Like, I was able to accept that.

00:46:43 Speaker_02
And whenever anyone came to me and said, you know, maybe this is for the best, I was able to receive that and process that. But what I wasn't willing to accept is that later on he wouldn't come back in my life. And I think that that is what

00:47:00 Speaker_02
fantasizing about that life that I thought we were going to have is what kept me so anchored in this heartbreak and in this depression. And it made me, like, I loved feeling that sadness.

00:47:15 Speaker_02
It was like crack because it made me feel like this is not actually over, Sawyer. You can hold on to this. And that's what I held on to. But as soon as you kept saying to me, let them, let them, let them. Like, this is over, Sawyer.

00:47:32 Speaker_02
It sucked to hear, but it also made me realize, like, he's not reaching out. Like, there's not... anything I can do that's going to change him, because I can't control him. It's true.

00:47:46 Speaker_02
And that's what you'll learn in the Let Them Theory book, is you cannot control another human being, their thoughts, their feelings, their actions, anything.

00:47:52 Speaker_04
And so... I kept saying to you, if he wanted to, he would. Yeah. And he's not. And you have to let them. And you have to move on.

00:48:04 Speaker_04
And just to widen this out a little bit, I've got friends in my life, I'm realizing, as you're sharing that the sadness was an anchor and you refused to let go of it because it kept you tied to him, who have been divorced for years, and yes, they share custody, which is a whole nother complicated ball of wax, but they hold on to so much anger

00:48:34 Speaker_04
And it's as if that anger means they're still married to them. The anger keeps them in a relationship with them, and they refuse to give it up.

00:48:48 Speaker_04
and refuse to accept that this person not only has left you, they've divorced you, they have met someone else, they do not like you, and yet you are still unwilling to go through what we've talked about in the first part of this conversation, which is the processing and the unlearning and the letting go of any hope or any fantasy and learning how to live without them.

00:49:15 Speaker_04
And when you do that, and you do it for real, what you have access to is peace and power. Because I know a lot of you may be like, oh, but my ex is a jerk. Let them send crazy texts. Let them not parent how you want. Let them marry someone you hate.

00:49:35 Speaker_04
Let them. You've moved on. You're no longer anchored to them. You just are sharing children with them. Let them, and focus on the let me part. I'm building a life without you. So I don't need to worry about managing you.

00:49:53 Speaker_04
I need to worry about the safety and the happiness of my children, but I'm not holding onto this anger because the anger is tied to this isn't fair and it's not just, and I can do something about it, and you can't. That's really insightful.

00:50:11 Speaker_02
I think another thing, too, that's super easy to hold on to going off of some of your friends who may be hanging on to some anger is. The fact that when you break up, the only thing that you hold on to is the good memories.

00:50:28 Speaker_02
Oh, and so you replay and you replay all these amazing memories and make it just seem like a Barbie movie and unbelievable.

00:50:39 Speaker_02
And you just completely block out anything that may have been dysfunctional or you disagreed on or the reason that you broke up. And. I think that.

00:50:54 Speaker_02
that also because you're so in denial in the beginning of it all and going through those stages of grief that you convince yourself that absolutely everything was perfect so why are we not together?

00:51:11 Speaker_04
Again, the fantasy.

00:51:12 Speaker_02
Yes.

00:51:12 Speaker_04
Which is, again, why this is a huge part of the Let Them Theory book because the inability to accept reality and the inability to process what just happened and learn a new way to go through life is what's gonna keep you trapped.

00:51:27 Speaker_04
This feels like a good time to just take a beat and let everything that we're sharing with you settle in.

00:51:36 Speaker_04
And we have so many more tools to share, and a little later, you're gonna hear questions from three listeners that are so spot on, and I can't wait for you to hear the advice that I have for them. So much more to come, so stay with us.

00:51:48 Speaker_04
We'll be waiting for you after a short break. Welcome back, it's your friend Mel Robbins. Thank you for sharing this with people that you love. I am here teaching you this breakup survival guide with our daughter Sawyer.

00:52:08 Speaker_04
So one of the things that I wanted to share, because these were six things that you found to be extremely helpful as you process a breakup. So remember, 30 days, no contact,

00:52:22 Speaker_04
11-week rule is based on research where the majority of people start to feel a little better, but there are a couple things that really help that are things you can do right now.

00:52:35 Speaker_04
And the first one is something we've talked about, but it's like remove everything in your environment that triggers you to think about them.

00:52:45 Speaker_04
remove their photos, get them out of the digital frames, put pause on the playlists that you used to listen to all the time. If they have clothing or trinkets, just put them in a box and put it away.

00:53:01 Speaker_04
I'm not talking about taking it out to the front lawn and igniting it on fire, or taking it to the dump and throwing it away. Just remove it.

00:53:11 Speaker_04
And if you can't remove it, ask your parents or your roommate or somebody else to do it for you, because they'll be more ruthless than you will, because you'll be like, oh, I'll just keep this little thing in a morbidly manner.

00:53:20 Speaker_04
And the reason why this is important is because of what we've talked about with processing. Any physical reminder of them fires up your nervous system. It is a reminder.

00:53:34 Speaker_04
And so keep remembering this is grieving a person who's still here who has basically died in your life.

00:53:41 Speaker_04
There will come a time where you feel strong enough to go get the box and to either look through it and think about the good times or to pack up some of the stuff that was meaningful to them and send it back to them with a nice note.

00:53:55 Speaker_04
But you don't have to worry about that right now. Right now, you're in the three months, so let's remove all the triggers. The second thing, and I think this is really good advice, give your bedroom a makeover.

00:54:06 Speaker_04
And you don't have to have a lot of money to do this. Buy a can of paint and paint a wall. Move your bed to a different place. Go down to the outlet store and buy a set of sheets or a new blanket.

00:54:21 Speaker_04
Do something that signals that this is a new chapter, because I guarantee you, you spent a lot of time in your bedroom with this person, so it's like ground zero for feeling traumatized and sad and depressed. Do you want to say something about that?

00:54:41 Speaker_02
I think that is such good advice. And it's as simple as moving your bed to another angle or part of your room or you don't have to buy anything. Just remove the stuffed animals, remove anything that they

00:54:57 Speaker_02
may have given you and give your room a makeover. It's also a fun project that makes you feel like you are changing your environment and starting a new chapter, but not in a way that is related to them.

00:55:12 Speaker_04
And if you're supporting somebody, this is one of those things where you can help by helping provide an environment for change. So you could say, how would you feel about giving your bedroom a makeover?

00:55:23 Speaker_04
Like instead of taking your friend out for drinks and covering the barbell, take them to a store and buy them a new blanket for their bedroom. Or that sticky wallpaper that could give their room a makeover.

00:55:36 Speaker_04
The third thing is that since you're unlearning life with this person that you just went through a breakup with, there's a big hole to fill. So reach out proactively and let people know what is happening.

00:55:53 Speaker_04
Your roommates, your siblings, your coworkers, your parents, you're not a loser. And tell people, for the next three months, will you check in on me?

00:56:01 Speaker_04
Will you invite me to do things so I don't die like a mole in my bedroom, crying under the sheets down here like a nocturnal animal? We've all been through it.

00:56:12 Speaker_04
But if you have people that understand that you just need help getting out of the house, you need help getting out to dinner, you need help getting to an exercise class, that is something that I think makes a big difference because even the act of doing it is a sign to yourself that you're moving on.

00:56:28 Speaker_04
And for those of you like me supporting, just ping those friends of yours, not right after the breakup, but seven weeks after the breakup. Want to go to yoga class?

00:56:40 Speaker_04
wanna go away for the weekend and my folks invite it, we can go to my parents' house, it goes a long way.

00:56:48 Speaker_02
And better yet, show up at their house to pick them up for the fitness class. Don't just text them and obviously someone is gonna say no. When you're going through a breakup, you don't wanna be around anyone.

00:57:00 Speaker_02
You wanna be alone, you wanna be sad, show up. in person because it really matters. And whether that means drop off toilet paper or drop off a meal or order them Uber Eats for dinner, because I guarantee you they're not spending a ton of time cooking.

00:57:17 Speaker_02
And when you go the extra mile to actually show up for people and drive them to the workout class or invite them to your parents for the weekend,

00:57:30 Speaker_02
It really helps because like when someone is mourning a death, with heartbreak, you don't want to do anything. You can barely get out of bed in the morning. And so showing up goes a lot farther than just sending a text and hoping that that cuts it.

00:57:49 Speaker_04
Another one that you talked a lot about and you write about in the book, Soy, is fill your calendar. And you basically just said, just look in your area. whether it's a city or rural area for events near me.

00:58:02 Speaker_04
And then ask friends to go with you because if you don't have anything to look forward to, you're going to feel like a depressed loser.

00:58:08 Speaker_04
If you have a calendar of things where you're going to go visit a friend or you're going to go to this exhibit or you're going to go take this class, you start to step back into life.

00:58:19 Speaker_02
And I can attest to that because I did not do that. I had no plans during the summer. I sat at home. I poured every single ounce of me into my work. And I never, ever took a break. And it all came crashing down on me. And so now I have set my weekends up.

00:58:41 Speaker_02
moving forward to really go and prioritize and see my friends. And it's a little harder because we're up in Vermont. I'm living at my parents' right now. For all of you guys at home in your 20s, living at home, you're not alone.

00:58:57 Speaker_02
But yeah, so fill your calendar with things you're actually excited about versus filling your calendar with work or things that feel like an obligation or

00:59:08 Speaker_02
anything that working out like go do fun things that bring you joy and laughter, not things that you feel like you have to do.

00:59:18 Speaker_04
Another thing that we write about is picking a challenge you've always wanted to do.

00:59:25 Speaker_04
Whether that is climbing a mountain, training for a triathlon, taking a class, learning guitar, going on a trip, like there's something that you didn't have time to do when you're in a relationship.

00:59:39 Speaker_04
So let's assume that you're going to be in a loving and amazing relationship very soon. What is it that you would like to do now that you didn't have time for?

00:59:52 Speaker_04
Now that you see that, wow, I am learning how to live without this person, I got a lot of extra time, why don't I fill it with something that I didn't have time to do before? And it gives you purpose that is beyond that person you're getting over.

01:00:08 Speaker_04
And the final thing, and I love this. You found this question, Sawyer. Keep asking yourself this question.

01:00:12 Speaker_04
If you knew the love of your life was around the corner, and this breakup was bringing you one step closer to meeting them, how would you spend your nights and weekends while you're single? I love that question, too. Why do you love that question?

01:00:27 Speaker_04
Because you're like, we have to put this in this book. This is so important.

01:00:34 Speaker_02
Because I think what drives people off the rails when you either get broken up with or when you're even marching towards a breakup is the fear of being single and the fear of never finding your person.

01:00:48 Speaker_02
And when you get broken up with or you break up with someone, you feel

01:00:57 Speaker_02
so much farther away from the person that you actually are going to meet because you're going through it and you want your old life and you wish that things would actually just go back to normal.

01:01:06 Speaker_02
You're not looking towards the future, you're looking towards the past. And so if someone told you, hey, in approximately 75 days,

01:01:18 Speaker_02
The love of your life is going to walk into the coffee shop and come up to you and you're going to go on your first date and the rest is history. What would you do in the next 75 days? I would go skydiving. I would go move to Australia.

01:01:33 Speaker_02
I would run a marathon. I think about all these things and I'm like, oh, great. If that's already set up for me and I am confident in the fact that they're actually coming, then I can live my life happy and be in the moment.

01:01:47 Speaker_02
But instead, we live in this fear that they're never, ever, ever going to come. And so you just hold on to the past or hold on to the next person you meet.

01:01:57 Speaker_04
That's incredible.

01:01:59 Speaker_02
It's true.

01:02:01 Speaker_04
It's absolutely true. And what's interesting is that

01:02:08 Speaker_04
I know that nobody wants to hear that you gotta learn how to love yourself, but the fact is, and this is almost entirely what the Let Them Theory is about, it's about learning how to stop chasing other people and seeking validation from other people and controlling other people and seeking love from other people and learning instead how to start by giving it to yourself.

01:02:37 Speaker_04
And I know it's a cliche to say that you're the only person that you're gonna spend your whole life with, but it's also the reality.

01:02:46 Speaker_04
And whatever it is that you're afraid of or scared of that you think only someone else can give you, whether it's acceptance, approval, fun, companionship, love, the fact is, if you give it to yourself, it opens the door for someone amazing to step into your life.

01:03:07 Speaker_04
I know that we have a couple questions from listeners on this topic, and let's take the first one from Gabrielle.

01:03:14 Speaker_01
Hello, my name is Gabrielle Joella and I am 25 years old. I think some of the hardest parts about going through a breakup is the constant comparison when you do meet someone new to your previous partner, as well as the what ifs.

01:03:26 Speaker_01
What if I never find somebody as good enough as my previous partner? What if I was a better partner? Maybe I wouldn't be going through this breakup. What if I never find somebody ever again? And what if I end up alone?

01:03:39 Speaker_01
My question is, what would be your advice to someone going through that battle of the what-ifs and how to overcome that?

01:03:48 Speaker_04
It's a phenomenal question. And the first thing that comes to mind is that when you say what-if, you're not in a dating relationship, you're in a throuple.

01:03:59 Speaker_04
because you're there with the other person, and this third thing that is the fantasy and the possibility, and it's almost like being in a triangle. Imagine being on a date with your critical mother.

01:04:18 Speaker_04
and you're talking to your date, and then you turn to your mother, and she's like, well, what if he's not a good man? Well, what if this? That's what you're doing when you allow that thinking pattern to enter your mind.

01:04:32 Speaker_04
If you are going to say, what if, I invite you instead to say, what if this all works out? What if this person is leading me one step closer to a relationship that I deserve?

01:04:47 Speaker_04
What if this person isn't quite right, but maybe they're somebody that's just like a slow simmer? They're gonna open up and open up.

01:04:56 Speaker_04
What if the purpose of dating right now is not for me to find someone, but to actually find myself and create a deeper connection with who I am and what I like and what I don't like?

01:05:09 Speaker_04
And I'm the kind of person that figures that out by being in situations where I don't like what's happening.

01:05:16 Speaker_04
And so I think that your purpose for dating right now is not to find the one, it's to find yourself and to figure out what you want and what matters to you and what doesn't matter to you.

01:05:31 Speaker_04
And what comes to mind is I want you to keep in mind this kind of 80-20 rule, I've talked about this before, which is, Focus on the 80% that matters. Is this person kind? Do they make you laugh? Do you feel like yourself?

01:05:46 Speaker_04
How do you feel when you hang out with them? Do they care about you? Do they prioritize you? Those are the things that matter. Do you have the same goals and aspirations in life? Do you see eye to eye on the deeply important things? That's the 80%.

01:06:03 Speaker_04
That throuple and the critical what if, that third party in your relationship, that's the 20%, that's the fantasy, that's the fear, that's all the stuff that you're focused on that actually doesn't matter.

01:06:16 Speaker_04
The only thing that matters, and I think it'll really help you to go, for the next year, I'm not dating to find the one. I'm dating to learn more about myself, and I'm gonna meet a bunch of awesome people along the way.

01:06:27 Speaker_04
And eventually, one person at a time, the right person for me is gonna show up.

01:06:33 Speaker_02
I think the one thing that I disagree with my mom on is just the love yourself message, because again, whether you're dating, whether you're going through a breakup, it's really hard to hear that when all you want is for someone else to love you.

01:06:48 Speaker_02
And I think, yes, of course, you could absolutely love yourself, but you could still be really upset that you haven't found your person.

01:06:58 Speaker_04
Totally agree with you. Here's the thing, I'm so pragmatic that I know that saying all those things doesn't serve you even though it's completely valid to feel those things.

01:07:10 Speaker_04
And what you're feeling is a healthy and normal response to losing something you cared about. And one thing that might help you is really unpack what was it about the thing that you lost that really is important to you.

01:07:33 Speaker_04
Because sometimes it's only when something's gone that you actually appreciate what it was. Totally. And there's something about what you lost, something deeper, that you really value.

01:07:47 Speaker_04
And maybe what you value is just this feeling of safety that you felt with this person that had been in your life a long time. That's very different than feeling like, okay, I just don't really connect with this person.

01:08:00 Speaker_04
Because you're not going to immediately. But what you're looking for is a feeling of safety and a feeling of trust and deep connection. It's not the person, it's how the person made you feel.

01:08:15 Speaker_04
And that's what you're trying to discover when you focus on the 80%. Great. That's what I want to hear. OK, great. Let's roll the next question from a listener named Una.

01:08:28 Speaker_00
Hi, my name is Yuna. I'm 29. And my question is about how to date other people after a bad breakup. So I feel like last time I had a bad breakup, I forced myself to date to get over them. And it was a disaster. Like I was crying in the middle of dates.

01:08:44 Speaker_00
So it didn't really help. So how do you make yourself date again? I just don't really feel interested in it. Nobody seems interesting to me. I just don't want to date anybody else, basically. And it's been over a year.

01:08:57 Speaker_04
Fabulous question, and I think very common, and the first thing I'm gonna say is you need to follow the advice of this episode, because if you're dating to get over someone, you're not gonna find the right person.

01:09:11 Speaker_04
And I wonder if you really let what we've shared today sink in, did you process this? Have you grieved it?

01:09:21 Speaker_04
Or are you going through life knowing, okay, I've accepted the breakup, but I have a fantasy that I'm gonna walk into a restaurant one of these days, and they're gonna be there, and it's gonna be instant, and we're gonna be right back in it.

01:09:36 Speaker_04
And if you haven't given up on that fantasy yet, you need to let them. And you have to truly do the work to accept that this is over. They are not coming back. And until you do that, I don't think you're gonna be interested in dating.

01:09:52 Speaker_04
Because what I hear in this question is, you don't wanna date. And that's okay too.

01:09:58 Speaker_02
What I was going to say is, I think for me personally, when I first met Darren, I also was uninterested in dating. I also was completely over it and still not over even another guy that I was seeing before that. And so I think

01:10:18 Speaker_02
you feeling like no one is good enough or I don't want to date and I'm so uninterested in these people is not only normal, but I do think that paying close attention to who makes you feel safe, who sparks your interest, who makes you smile and laugh, those are all little pieces of data that can tell you, oh, maybe I want to explore this.

01:10:45 Speaker_02
And are they gonna be here forever? No. But I remember when I first met Darren, way back when, I wasn't interested. I wasn't... It took me a long time to become and develop and develop that safety and that love and that support.

01:11:01 Speaker_02
And it's just not immediate with anyone.

01:11:06 Speaker_04
You know, one of the things that I think happens after a breakup is if you haven't given yourself the true time to process and mourn this and truly let them and accept that this is over and get the fantasy out of your mind,

01:11:20 Speaker_04
you will always and forever have their ghost in your relationship now. That's number one. Number two, it is okay to not be out there dating. In fact, there's a lot of people that feel this way. And here's what I want you to know.

01:11:36 Speaker_04
You don't have to be dating to meet somebody. There are people all around you.

01:11:41 Speaker_04
There are people at work, there are people at the spot you buy lunch, and simply being out and about in the world as yourself and happy, and if you're the kind of person that's just open, you will be very surprised.

01:11:56 Speaker_04
It's in these moments in life where you're not looking that the person that's meant for you starts showing up. I met my husband right after a breakup, and I'd swore to my girlfriends, I'm swearing off dating for the rest of my life.

01:12:11 Speaker_04
I'm never dating again. And then boom, a month later. He was behind me in line at a bar. And that was that. And I think it's also important to understand that we have this fantasy of chasing the spark.

01:12:25 Speaker_04
And if you are somebody that's trying to date to get over someone, what are you looking for? You're looking for a spark. You're looking for fire to fill up the hole that's inside you.

01:12:36 Speaker_04
And some of the best relationships, in fact, only 11% of relationships began with a spark.

01:12:44 Speaker_03
Really?

01:12:45 Speaker_04
The rest of them are slow burns. It's the person that grew on you over time at work. It's the person that was a friend of a friend that you kept seeing at a party. It's the person that lived down the hall or that you kept seeing in the stairwell.

01:13:02 Speaker_04
It's the person that grew on you over time. And so be very careful of trying to date to get over someone because you're looking for something big.

01:13:13 Speaker_02
I think that the spark is important, though, and that's what we feel when we're growing up and we're little and you are trained to look for that. But that's Disney trained you for that. That's not how the real world works.

01:13:24 Speaker_04
Spark is attraction. Our relationship is about compatibility and commitment and mutual support and kindness. And in the modern world, you hear the word love and you think it means chemistry. You think it means this grand thing. Love is two things.

01:13:44 Speaker_04
It's consideration and it is admiration. Consideration just means you have someone in mind. Consideration is bringing somebody a cup of coffee. That's an act of love.

01:13:56 Speaker_04
admiration is when you look at somebody and you see attributes of this person that you admire. And that's why the spark, an instant thing is about attraction. But true love is about admiration and consideration and that grows over time.

01:14:14 Speaker_02
I love that. So question number three is from Tim, who is 27. Even though we've broken up, so much of what I do still involves my ex. I want to look good in case she sees me. I want to post on social media for her to see.

01:14:32 Speaker_02
I want to date someone else to make her jealous. How do I stop living my life for her and start living it for me? Tim.

01:14:43 Speaker_04
Bless you. I have been there.

01:14:46 Speaker_03
Yes.

01:14:48 Speaker_04
Let them, Tim, your life is not going to begin until you let her live hers. She's gone. And the reason why you're living for her and you're posting for her and you're thinking about her is because you have not actually grieved this relationship.

01:15:12 Speaker_04
And the more you think about her and the more you navigate your life based on how she would react or how it would impact her, the more you are holding yourself hostage to a relationship that's over. You have to let her leave.

01:15:33 Speaker_04
And you have to accept reality that this is over.

01:15:36 Speaker_04
and it's really hard to do, and I would recommend you go back to the beginning, and you re-listen to this, and you go through the 30 days, and you unfollow her on social, and you remove all the things from your...

01:15:52 Speaker_04
apartment or your house, that you drive in different patterns, that you start to step into and learn how to live life without her, because that's the piece of this breakup survival guide that you haven't done.

01:16:12 Speaker_04
and it's only when you allow yourself to process the reality of what's happened that you'll stop giving your power to somebody who doesn't deserve it and you'll take it back and you'll learn how to create a life without her and a life where you are happy.

01:16:27 Speaker_04
The sad thing about hearing this is that you can't see it yet. But in listening to your question, there are now millions of people listening that see you in a jail cell that you locked yourself into. The good news is you hold the key. She's gone.

01:16:50 Speaker_04
you're not getting married, but you have your whole life ahead of you. And I would focus on the things that this taught you. I would move through the 30 days and remove all reminders of her.

01:17:05 Speaker_04
And I would allow you to truly grieve this because you're still living as if she's here and she's not. Here's the choice.

01:17:16 Speaker_04
You can live the rest of your life in this mental and emotional jail, or you can use the keys that we've given you, and you can use the let them theory, and you can let her go and set yourself free.

01:17:32 Speaker_04
You have a huge, beautiful, amazing future ahead of you. And I wanna ask you a question. If you knew that the love of your life

01:17:44 Speaker_04
somebody that just filled you up and made you laugh and made you feel so happy and seen and supported, somebody that was gonna grow through life with you, was just around the corner.

01:18:01 Speaker_04
You're about to walk into a room 75, 175 days from now, and there they are. How would you be living your life right now? I'll tell you something, you wouldn't be wasting a damn second of it worrying about the woman who already left.

01:18:21 Speaker_04
The greatest love of your life is on the road ahead, and it's your responsibility to start walking toward them. And I just wanna say, this is hard. I can sit here in my chair with my mic, talking to Sawyer seven months after she's through it,

01:18:40 Speaker_04
Seven months ago, this was like a emotional blizzard in this house. It was war zone. It really was. Everyone had to survive. And you can survive. And it does get better. And you're stronger than this moment.

01:18:59 Speaker_04
And the more you realize that every single ending is also a beginning, it really is. And the fastest way for you to move through a breakup is to truly understand what it is. And learning that this is really the process of

01:19:22 Speaker_04
It's teaching your body how to go through life without somebody that used to be in it. It's grief. It's learning new patterns, and there is a period of withdrawal, but all those emotions you feel are normal. It doesn't mean this was your person.

01:19:38 Speaker_04
It doesn't mean you should get back together, and it doesn't mean you won't get back together at some point.

01:19:44 Speaker_04
But your job right now is to use all the tools, and it begins with first understanding the process of what a breakup is, and the 30-day no contact rule, and the research that says it takes three months before it starts to get better, and the six things that you can do immediately to support yourself to go through something you don't wanna go through.

01:20:05 Speaker_04
I get it. But the only choice you have is to go through it. That's why it's hard. If you're sad, be sad. If you wanna snot cry and lay on the floor of a gym, do it. If you want to emotionally eat your way through the next three months, go for it.

01:20:25 Speaker_04
Do whatever you need to do to process this because it is painful to go through life with somebody and then suddenly have to learn how to not go through life with them. And I'm gonna give you that.

01:20:39 Speaker_04
And I'm also gonna tell you this, it's gonna get better. And you are gonna meet somebody amazing. Because somebody else in your life isn't the reason why you deserve love. You deserve love simply because you're alive.

01:20:56 Speaker_04
And I know you don't wanna hear that you gotta love yourself, so I'm not even gonna tell you to. You can hate yourself right now. That might be part of your process.

01:21:04 Speaker_04
But remember, in three months time, when you use these tools, and most importantly, I think my biggest takeaway is it's the fantasy in your mind that is killing you. You gotta learn how to let them go, and let me step into reality.

01:21:19 Speaker_04
And the reality is, you have the ability to move through this, you have the ability to feel these emotions, and by the time you lock up in a couple months, you're gonna feel stronger, you're gonna feel better, and you're gonna realize, wow,

01:21:33 Speaker_04
I'm gonna be okay, because you are. And you know, on that topic of consideration and admiration, I just wanna tell you, Soy, how much I admire you.

01:21:45 Speaker_02
Thanks, Mom.

01:21:46 Speaker_04
I learned a lot about myself through the process of learning how to better support you through that breakup and to step back. and give you the space to feel what you needed to feel.

01:22:06 Speaker_04
even though with every cell of my body, I just wanted to jump in and fix it. I wanted to text his mom, I wanted to text him, I wanted to somehow arrange something so that this could all just go away and everybody could be like, okay.

01:22:19 Speaker_04
And you really taught me how important it is to stand by somebody's side instead of stepping in and trying to make it go away.

01:22:33 Speaker_02
And what I will say to you, mom, is thank you so much for using the let them theory with me and actually letting me process and saying let them every day and giving me the space that I really needed to move through this and process this.

01:22:50 Speaker_02
And I couldn't have done it without you. Oh, well, I think you could have.

01:22:56 Speaker_04
But I loved being there to put my arms around you. I love you.

01:23:01 Speaker_02
I love you, too.

01:23:03 Speaker_04
And thank you to our three amazing listeners who submitted those awesome questions, and keep them coming.

01:23:09 Speaker_04
Just go to melrobbins.com slash podcast if there's something you're struggling with or a question that you have, and you could hear yourself on an episode coming soon. And for you listening, there's something I wanna say to you.

01:23:23 Speaker_04
You're not gonna go through this alone. I love you. I'm not breaking up with you. Like, I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna be here several days a week, put my arm around you and support you. And Sawyer is here occasionally when I drag her on this show.

01:23:41 Speaker_04
And I believe in your ability to create a better life. I really do.

01:23:46 Speaker_04
And if you use the Let Them Theory and all of the tools and research we just walked you through, there is no doubt in my mind, you will not only create a better life, but your love story is far from over.

01:23:58 Speaker_04
In fact, the greatest love of your life is on the road ahead. Alrighty, I'll see you in the very next episode. How you doing, Soy? Wonderful. Okay, not funny, not like that.

01:24:17 Speaker_02
Okay, sorry, that's okay.

01:24:18 Speaker_04
All right, we good? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great, okay. Great, great, great, great. Great, great, great, great. That's awesome.

01:24:25 Speaker_02
Can you see my feet in the shot? Nope. Okay, sweet.

01:24:28 Speaker_04
What the hell happened? It's right in your lap. Is that better? Like that? I think I'm gonna be better.

01:24:32 Speaker_02
I feel like my feet smell.

01:24:34 Speaker_04
I don't smell them. Awesome. Okay. Great coaching. Amazing. You did amazing. We did amazing. Oh, and one more thing, and no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you.

01:25:00 Speaker_04
This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

01:25:05 Speaker_04
I'm just your friend, I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.

01:25:24 Speaker_00
Stitcher.