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Episode: The Secret to Gift-Giving

Author: Hidden Brain, Shankar Vedantam
Duration: 00:46:27

Episode Shownotes

With the holidays fast approaching, many of us are hunting for that special something for the special someones in our lives. It’s how we show we care about them. So why is it so hard to find the right gift? This week, we revisit a favorite 2022 conversation with researcher

Jeff Galak. We'll discuss why the presents we give for holidays and birthdays often miss their mark, and how to become a better gift-giver. Looking for a holiday gift for a fellow Hidden Brain fan? You can now give a gift subscription to Hidden Brain+! Or if material gifts are more your style, go to shop.hiddenbrain.org to find Hidden Brain t-shirts, mugs, stickers and more.

Summary

In this episode of Hidden Brain, Shankar Vedantam explores the art of gift-giving through insights from researcher Jeff Galak. The discussion emphasizes the emotional impact of gifts, the importance of thoughtfulness, and common pitfalls in holiday gifting. It reveals that gifts often do not align with recipient preferences, leading to diminished value and social obligations complicating relationships. Solutions for better gifting include understanding recipient preferences, utilizing gift registries, and focusing on experiential and sentimental gifts, which tend to foster deeper connections. Interestingly, gifts given spontaneously hold more emotional weight, reinforcing the bonds between giver and recipient.

Go to PodExtra AI's episode page (The Secret to Gift-Giving) to play and view complete AI-processed content: summary, mindmap, topics, takeaways, transcript, keywords and highlights.

Full Transcript

00:00:01 Speaker_04
This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam. In The Gift of the Magi, a short story written by O. Henry and published in 1905, a young husband and wife each struggle privately with a dilemma.

00:00:16 Speaker_04
Christmas is coming, and neither has enough money to buy the other a gift. Della has only $1.87 saved up. Jim has almost nothing. You probably know how the story turns out.

00:00:30 Speaker_04
Della sells her beautiful long hair in order to buy Jim a fine chain for his watch, the most valuable thing he owns. Meanwhile, Jim sells his watch to pay for a set of expensive combs for Della's hair. Each gift negates the other.

00:00:54 Speaker_04
At the end of the story, O. Henry writes, the Magi, as you know, were wise men, wonderfully wise men, who brought gifts to the babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents.

00:01:06 Speaker_04
Being wise, their gifts were no doubt wise ones, possibly bearing the privilege of exchange in case of duplication.

00:01:14 Speaker_04
And here I have lamely related to you the uneventful chronicle of two foolish children in a flat who most unwisely sacrificed for each other the greatest treasures of their house.

00:01:27 Speaker_04
But in a last word to the wise of these days, let it be said that of all who give gifts, these two were the wisest. Of all who give and receive gifts, such as they are the wisest. Everywhere they are wisest. They are the Magi.

00:01:49 Speaker_04
In other words, it's the thought that counts. That's a sweet idea, but is it true? Today on the show, modern psychology takes on an ancient problem. Gifts and gift-giving are as old as humanity itself.

00:02:09 Speaker_04
Over the centuries, humans have used gifts to express love, offer admiration, and obtain favors. New research identifies why the presents we offer for birthdays and holidays often miss their mark.

00:02:26 Speaker_04
How to become a better gift giver, this week on Hidden Brain. All of us know what it's like to get a great gift, the kind we receive with pleasure and that we remember for a long, long time afterwards.

00:02:55 Speaker_04
All of us also remember, well, the other kind of gift, the board game that doesn't interest us, the dashed-off last-minute bauble, the inappropriate item of clothing.

00:03:06 Speaker_04
At Carnegie Mellon University, Jeff Galeck has spent a lot of time thinking about gifts and gift-giving. He has learned a lot about bad gifts. Jeff Galeck, welcome to Hidden Brain. Thank you for having me.

00:03:19 Speaker_04
Jeff, I understand that growing up as an American with Jewish-Ukrainian roots, your family put on a big celebration on New Year's Day every year. Can you tell me what that gathering was like when you were a small child?

00:03:31 Speaker_03
So we had this tradition where our immediate family, as well as some close friends, would all gather. And there was a tradition of exchanging gifts.

00:03:39 Speaker_03
These were typically not your major Christmas-sized gifts, but something minimal that would just kind of fulfill the needs that people have for this kind of gift-giving exchange. That was basically the nature of it.

00:03:52 Speaker_04
Got it. So you were around 10 years old at the time. And on one of these occasions, you were presented with a New Year's gift by one of your relatives. What was the gift? And paint a picture for me of the moment when you received it.

00:04:04 Speaker_03
Yeah, so I'm roughly 10 years old. And as you can imagine, as a child, receiving gifts is a lot of fun, right? And getting new things is always joyous. And everybody's going around handing out their gifts one at a time.

00:04:14 Speaker_03
And I do remember distinctly this family member, this was a distant family member, giving me a pretty large item, which is already exciting. We tend to think large items are going to be great.

00:04:25 Speaker_03
And upon unwrapping it, I found that it was a tin of popped popcorn. And I had absolutely no idea what to do with this. I mean, it was just the biggest letdown, right?

00:04:39 Speaker_03
As a kid, you want toys or candy or something that's going to make you have a lot of fun. and a tin of popcorn, it was just not anything remotely what I was expecting. So to say I was disappointed is probably an understatement.

00:04:50 Speaker_03
I think I was a polite child and I said thank you and we moved on with our evening. But yeah, it was not exactly the perfect gift.

00:04:59 Speaker_04
I understand another time you got a keychain from some Caribbean island as one of these gifts?

00:05:04 Speaker_03
That's right. It was a keychain that somebody picked up as a souvenir on some Caribbean adventure. And it was given to me in this New Year's context exchange, which just doesn't make any sense. I wasn't at that island.

00:05:14 Speaker_03
I was a 10-year-old who doesn't have any keys. I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing with this. But again, you say politely thank you and move on with the evening.

00:05:23 Speaker_04
So I understand that researchers have studied the effects that bad gifts have on receivers. When you receive that tub of popcorn from your relative, how did it make you feel towards the gift giver?

00:05:36 Speaker_03
Yeah, I mean, admittedly, as a child, I think my feelings were pretty thin. I don't think I had too many deep thoughts at that moment.

00:05:42 Speaker_03
But you can imagine very easily that when you receive a bad gift, what it shows is that somebody is not very thoughtful. They haven't considered what the recipient's experience is going to be like. I was pretty disappointed as a kid.

00:05:54 Speaker_03
Kids get over things quickly. And so I moved on with my life. But there's a version where that relationship isn't really benefited at all. And if anything, there's some real harm done. It's a signal.

00:06:05 Speaker_03
that you're not treating the person with respect and thoughtfulness.

00:06:09 Speaker_04
Now, a bad gift or a gift from someone you don't particularly like leaves you with some obligation to reciprocate. So now you don't just have a bad gift, you're left with the obligation to respond.

00:06:22 Speaker_04
Can you talk a moment about the role that obligation plays in gift-giving and the effect it has on the relationships between people?

00:06:30 Speaker_03
Yeah, obligations are probably the single biggest reason that gifts are given in the first place, for Christmas, or for a birthday, or an anniversary, or a graduation.

00:06:37 Speaker_03
And when you get a gift, it feels like you absolutely have to return that gesture at an appropriate moment. It could be in that same gift exchange if it's a holiday season, or it might just be the next birthday that comes up for that person.

00:06:49 Speaker_03
And so doubling down on, you received a bad gift, you don't feel connected to that person at all because they've shown that they're not thoughtful.

00:06:55 Speaker_03
And now you have the burden of actually going out and getting them a gift, somebody who you probably don't care about. That's a big problem.

00:07:03 Speaker_04
There's been some work looking at how bad gifts carry more than just psychological costs. They also carry economic costs. Back in 1993, the economist Joel Wolfogel published a famous paper called The Deadweight Loss of Christmas.

00:07:17 Speaker_04
What was the paper about, Jeff? Sure, it's a wonderful title too, right?

00:07:21 Speaker_03
It's so bleak. But the paper basically says that if I have $100 and I spend it on myself, the chance that I get myself something that's truly worth $100 to me is very high because I know my own preferences, right? I know what it is that I want.

00:07:35 Speaker_03
I know what would make me happy. But if you, Shankar, are going to get me a gift for that same price point, The chances of that matching my preferences are much lower because, well, you're not me.

00:07:45 Speaker_03
And so the likelihood that you're going to be able to drill into my head and figure out exactly what's going to make me happy is smaller. So there's a loss.

00:07:52 Speaker_03
But the utility is lower for me as the recipient because I'm getting something that's less enjoyable.

00:08:06 Speaker_04
Joel Wolfogel concluded in his paper that, quote, it's likely that receiving a gift will leave the recipient worse off than if she had made her own consumption choice with an equal amount of cash.

00:08:18 Speaker_04
I find that holiday gift giving destroys between 10% and a third of the value of gifts. I asked Jeff if his experiences with bad gifts and the obligations they brought with them made him less inclined to be part of the gift-giving economy.

00:08:38 Speaker_03
Maybe this is a broader conversation, but I feel like gift-giving as an enterprise in our society is really problematic. Think about the burden that it places on gift-givers in terms of financial expenses. But they feel obligated to.

00:08:50 Speaker_03
They feel like they have to engage in this activity, even if it comes at the expense of their own financial well-being. And so it's very hard to justify these expenses.

00:08:58 Speaker_03
And yeah, I mean, I think to answer your question, I do often question my own involvement in the gift-giving exchange.

00:09:05 Speaker_04
Do you believe that it's time to stop giving gifts altogether?

00:09:07 Speaker_03
I think it's time for us to rethink the way that we give gifts.

00:09:16 Speaker_04
When we come back, a better way forward. Understanding how to become a better gift giver. You're listening to Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam.

00:09:37 Speaker_00
This is Hidden Brain.

00:09:38 Speaker_04
I'm Shankar Vedantam. When big holidays roll around, many of us find ourselves awash in bad gifts. We may smile and say thank you, but inside we ask, what made you think I would want something so hideous?

00:09:52 Speaker_04
At Carnegie Mellon University, Jeff Gallick studies the psychology of gift-giving. Jeff, many of us dream of giving the perfect gift, something that is surprising and meaningful, that sends the recipient over the moon.

00:10:06 Speaker_04
I want to play you a clip of what the perfect gift-giving moment looks like in our fantasies.

00:10:11 Speaker_04
This is from the TV show The Big Bang Theory, where the character Penny, who works as a waitress at a restaurant, gives her neighbor Sheldon, who's a theoretical physicist and a huge Star Trek fan, a most unusual present.

00:10:24 Speaker_00
Here.

00:10:27 Speaker_01
Oh, a napkin.

00:10:32 Speaker_04
Turn it over.

00:10:33 Speaker_03
To Sheldon. Live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy. He came into the restaurant. Sorry, the napkin's dirty. He wiped his mouth with it.

00:10:53 Speaker_04
I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy? So acquiring the DNA of Mr. Spock himself earned Penny the reaction we all look for when we give gifts. In reality, of course, things usually don't turn out like this.

00:11:09 Speaker_04
Jeff, you've studied how and why gift giving goes wrong. And one significant cause of bad gifts is that gift givers and gift receivers are focused on entirely different time frames. What are gift givers focused on?

00:11:23 Speaker_03
Gift givers overwhelmingly are focused on that moment of exchange. So in the clip that you just played, that moment that Sheldon opens up the gift and sees that it's from Leonard Nimoy, that is what gift givers are trying to optimize on.

00:11:36 Speaker_03
They're trying to say, how can I put the biggest smile on someone's face the moment that they open the gift and realize what it is that they have?

00:11:43 Speaker_04
Hm. So what are recipients focused on?

00:11:47 Speaker_03
To some extent, they're focused on that as well. But to a greater extent, they're also thinking about the experience of that gift over the ownership of the gift. So when you receive something, in the moment, it might make you happy.

00:11:58 Speaker_03
But does it actually provide you value and utility and joy for the duration of owning whatever it is that you've received? And sometimes, the things that bring you happiness in the moment are not the things that bring you happiness in the long term.

00:12:09 Speaker_04
So this fundamental difference in priorities, a focus on the immediate and the short term versus a focus on the long term, produces other mismatches. Tell us about the surprise factor, Jeff.

00:12:21 Speaker_03
The surprise is something that gift givers think is critical to a recipient, right? So when I give you a gift, I have this belief that you will only value that gift if you don't expect receiving it.

00:12:33 Speaker_03
And over and over again, we find that that is just not true. If you think about a choice that a gift giver has, they can either give something that they're pretty sure is going to be a successful gift.

00:12:44 Speaker_03
It's something that they know that the recipient is going to receive well because maybe they've told them in the past they like that category of products. But that's not surprising, right?

00:12:52 Speaker_03
If I tell you that I like baseball cards and you get me a pack of baseball cards, I mean, that's great. But, you know, I knew that you were going to get that for me because I've already expressed that preference.

00:13:00 Speaker_03
And so as a giver, you're reluctant to do that because it minimizes on some of that surprisingness. And so givers tend to think that, you know, making that surprising gesture is what drives a good gift. And that's just not true.

00:13:17 Speaker_04
Givers also seem to care a lot about how a gift is presented. Do recipients care as much?

00:13:23 Speaker_03
Again, to a much lesser extent. Certainly, beautiful wrapping paper and a beautiful packaging will affect the immediate, but those get thrown out two seconds after somebody opens a gift, and so they're really not providing any long-term value.

00:13:35 Speaker_04
So it looks like gift seekers are seeking this wow factor. They care about the moment the gift is given, the surprise it produces, the reaction it elicits.

00:13:44 Speaker_04
Can you talk about the idea that one consequence of this has to do with our propensity to give gifts that are unusual, dramatic, and luxurious?

00:13:52 Speaker_03
This often plays out in things like wedding registries. So you have a couple getting married. They probably very thoughtfully consider the items that they need to start their life together. They put that information out there.

00:14:05 Speaker_03
They tell you, here are the things we want from the stores that we want them. And then somebody goes off registry and buys them some random junk that they have no need for, because somehow that's going to be seen as more surprising and more special.

00:14:17 Speaker_03
And it's just so counter to what the couple is actually asking for.

00:14:22 Speaker_04
One of your co-authors once wrote a paper titled, Sometimes It's OK to Give a Blender. That's right. And I take it that recipients in general care less about the unusual and the glamorous.

00:14:32 Speaker_03
Again, it's not that they don't care about it at all, of course. But if it's glamorous, but it doesn't actually serve a purpose for someone, it's almost like a white elephant gift. It's more of a burden than anything else.

00:14:40 Speaker_04
So isn't it interesting, Jeff, that in popular culture, when we have these gift-giving exchanges, givers often want to be seen as creative.

00:14:47 Speaker_04
Can you talk a little bit about this, that part of the motivation of the gift giver is to be seen as a creative gift giver?

00:14:53 Speaker_03
So this kind of speaks to the motivations that people have for giving gifts in the first place. I think a lot of people imagine that the reason gifts are exchanged is because we're trying to make other people happy.

00:15:04 Speaker_03
So if I give you a gift, I hope you have a joyous experience with it. And that's certainly part of the reason. But there are also very selfish reasons for giving a gift.

00:15:12 Speaker_03
One of them is about signaling who you are as a person and who you are as a gift giver, both to yourself and to everybody around.

00:15:19 Speaker_03
And so signaling that you're a creative gift giver is important, because if I think I'm a creative person, then I want to reinforce that by making sure that I make choices that are creative, even at the expense of a recipient.

00:15:31 Speaker_03
And I want to make that signal, again, to myself, but also to other people around me, because it's just part of my identity.

00:15:38 Speaker_04
So you could argue that the height of uncreativity, if you will, is to give the same gift over and over again. I understand researchers have actually studied how givers and recipients think of such gifts. What do they find, Jeff?

00:15:52 Speaker_03
Yeah, generally speaking, people don't like to do that because it minimizes the sense that they feel creative.

00:15:57 Speaker_03
So if I give you a gift, I'm less likely to give the exact same gift to another friend because it's going to make it seem like I'm less creative. Or even to the same friend. I mean, you wouldn't give me the same gift next year. Certainly right.

00:16:08 Speaker_03
Even if it was a great gift, right? So if I gave you a gift certificate to your favorite restaurant, I'm reluctant to do that again the next year, even though you'd probably really love that because there's a reason it's your favorite restaurant.

00:16:19 Speaker_04
So one of the things I think this conversation is highlighting for me, Jeff, is how gift-giving can sometimes involve third parties, not just the giver and the recipient.

00:16:28 Speaker_04
I'm thinking about settings where other people can see the gift that I have given, maybe at a baby shower or at a wedding, for example.

00:16:36 Speaker_04
So now my audience is not just the recipient, but all the other people who are going to be watching and evaluating my gift, right?

00:16:43 Speaker_03
Absolutely. And one of the consequences of that is not only are you trying to give a gift at that point that's beneficial to the recipient, but you want to make sure that you're not one-upped.

00:16:52 Speaker_03
So an example of this in some of the work that I've done is if I give you a bottle of wine, a really well-liked bottle of wine, and it's going to make you happy, but another friend gave you two bottles of wine, I look terrible, right?

00:17:04 Speaker_03
I look like I'm a cheapskate because I didn't give you enough. And so I'm very motivated to not be put in that position.

00:17:11 Speaker_03
And so some of the work we've looked at says, imagine if you had a scenario where you knew that this other person was going to give two bottles of wine. Would you spend more to, say, give three bottles of wine now? And people overwhelmingly say yes.

00:17:24 Speaker_04
So, you mentioned a second ago that one of the hidden motivations of gift-giving is that it can serve as a means to acquire social approval or status. Do recipients attach the same store by expensive gifts as gift-givers do?

00:17:41 Speaker_03
Not nearly as much as you would think. So one of the big findings in this literature is that, for example, the cost of a gift is not nearly as predictive in terms of happiness of the recipient as people tend to think.

00:17:52 Speaker_03
And so that translates to the prestige of the gift, as well as the store that you're buying it from. People think the more you spend, the happier the person's going to be. And the evidence on that is very thin.

00:18:08 Speaker_04
Have you ever received a particularly expensive gift that made you either anxious about reciprocation or just sort of befuddled about why such an expensive gift was purchased?

00:18:18 Speaker_03
I've received expensive gifts. I'm very fortunate in that way. But they've always been in contexts where reciprocation was not obvious. And this speaks to some of the norms that exist in gift giving that are very nuanced.

00:18:29 Speaker_03
So one thing that comes to mind is when my wife and I bought our new home, my parents actually bought us a retractable awning for our backyard.

00:18:37 Speaker_03
which is a really expensive gift, that's a multi-thousand dollar gift, it's not something that you would normally get.

00:18:42 Speaker_03
There was no expectation that I would reciprocate that to my parents, in part because there's a norm that exists, which is that gifting down generations is very different than gifting up generations.

00:18:53 Speaker_03
And so, that was a wonderful gift, we use this all the time, especially in the summer, it provides a lot of shade, but there's really no expectation that I'm gonna spend $10,000 on my parents.

00:19:07 Speaker_04
So, we talked a second ago about how gift-giving can be a form of status-seeking, and one of these forms of status-seeking can involve giving socially conscious gifts that highlight the giver's commitment to a virtuous cause, such as gifts to charity made in the recipient's name.

00:19:23 Speaker_04
I want to play you a clip from the TV show, Home Economics, in which a character named Sarah chides her brother, Connor, for not prominently displaying the gifts that she has given him in the past.

00:19:34 Speaker_02
So I was looking around, and I didn't see those Tibetan sound bowls. The ones I got you last Christmas. Oh, yeah, no, I never opened those. But it was a gift. Yeah, you suck at gifts. You didn't know that? I've been trying to get her there.

00:19:47 Speaker_02
After you got me that novel about that girl in Peru who gets cancer. Fernanda's Miracle. And that bracelet made by genius women. Indigenous women, and it was an anklet. I just started tossing your gifts in the closet without unwrapping them.

00:19:59 Speaker_02
You never got me a puppy, did you? I think we're running low on...

00:20:02 Speaker_04
Jeff, what has research found about giving socially conscious presence?

00:20:06 Speaker_03
I'm reluctant to answer your question, because I think socially conscious gifts are, for society, a wonderful thing. But the research is pretty clear on this, that recipients do not value them nearly as much as givers hope they would.

00:20:19 Speaker_03
So you could imagine scenarios where I might conceive of giving you a gift of value that, let's say, $100 value that is socially conscious, like a donation to a preferred charity or a material good that you would actually enjoy.

00:20:31 Speaker_03
And then the question is, are people enjoying those to the same degree? And the answer is firmly no. They would much prefer receiving something that will be useful to them than necessarily useful to society.

00:20:42 Speaker_04
Yeah. So in lots of ways, I think what we've seen is that gift givers can sometimes prioritize themselves in the gifts they give. So they want the recipient to be wowed. They want the gift to be better than other gifts.

00:20:54 Speaker_04
They want to show off their status and prestige. We haven't yet talked about the highest form of such selfishness, and here's a clip to demonstrate it from The Simpsons in which Homer gives his wife Marge a bowling ball.

00:21:07 Speaker_01
Hold on, hold on now. Your mother hasn't opened my present yet. Beauty, isn't she?

00:21:18 Speaker_04
Well, it's hard for me to judge, since I've never bowled in my life.

00:21:21 Speaker_01
Well, if you don't want it, I know someone who does.

00:21:26 Speaker_04
So the bowling ball is inscribed with Homer's name. And, you know, we laugh, Jeff, but we laugh because I think we all know how selfishness can sometimes be embedded in acts of seeming generosity.

00:21:38 Speaker_03
I think that's exactly right. I mean, I love that clip. It's just a wonderful example of such a perfectly selfish gift. And people do this.

00:21:44 Speaker_03
Now, I don't think they do it necessarily to the extent that The Simpsons is portraying, but there are more subtle ways to do this.

00:21:50 Speaker_03
So, for example, if I have a product and I'm considering giving you a similar product, but of, let's say, higher quality, a classic example might be I have an older version of an iPhone and I'm considering buying you a newer version of an iPhone.

00:22:03 Speaker_03
I'm reluctant to do that because I don't want your iPhone to be nicer than mine. Even though you might very well use that phone well, it might be something you'll enjoy a lot. I'm not going to do that.

00:22:12 Speaker_03
It's a selfish decision because I don't want you one-upping me.

00:22:21 Speaker_04
Gift-giving is as old as humankind, but human nature being what it is, people aren't generous just because they are kind and caring. Generosity can sometimes be exercised in ways that are profoundly selfish.

00:22:36 Speaker_04
When we come back, techniques to be better and to give better gifts. You're listening to Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam.

00:22:58 Speaker_00
This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam.

00:23:01 Speaker_04
Gifts and gift exchangers are supposed to be about generosity, kindness, and caring. But below the surface of these prosocial goals lie complex psychological forces.

00:23:12 Speaker_04
Many gift givers, consciously or unconsciously, prioritize their own needs over the preferences of recipients. At Carnegie Mellon University, Jeff Galeck studies the psychology of gift-giving.

00:23:25 Speaker_04
He's found that in order to give good gifts, we need to get over ourselves. We need to start by really trying to see the world from the perspective of recipients. Jeff, there's something of a conundrum here.

00:23:40 Speaker_04
We've all been gift givers, and we've all also been gift receivers as well. So we know what it's like to receive a bad gift or a gift that's principally designed to stroke the egos of gift givers.

00:23:52 Speaker_04
And yet the moment we become gift givers, many of us forget the lessons that we have learned. Why do you think that happens?

00:23:59 Speaker_03
It's really difficult to learn, in large part because when we're in the role of a gift giver or the role of a gift recipient, we don't spontaneously choose to take the other perspective. This is a form of what we call focalism.

00:24:11 Speaker_03
We focus on the experience that we're in, and we kind of neglect the alternative experience that might be out there, which would be the other perspective, the recipient or the giver. And so it's very hard to do that.

00:24:22 Speaker_03
And it's also a little bit disingenuous, I think, of me to just say, hey, everybody should be better, because I have the luxury of running experiments. I can learn what good practices are because I have random assignment as an experimenter.

00:24:36 Speaker_03
I have the ability to observe multiple worlds basically simultaneously, the case where someone is a giver and the case that someone is a receiver. You and I living in the real world as givers and receivers

00:24:47 Speaker_03
We can't possibly have the opposite experience, right? If I give a gift, I cannot simultaneously operate as a recipient with all the same constraints around me. It's just not, it's impossible.

00:24:59 Speaker_03
And so learning under that environment is very challenging because we're constantly being reinforced with whatever conceptions we have as a giver when we're in a giver state and the same when we're in a recipient state.

00:25:11 Speaker_04
I'm wondering how social norms might also exacerbate this problem, Jeff. When you received, you know, a tub of popcorn from your relative, the social norms told you, you know, be polite, thank your relative.

00:25:22 Speaker_04
And so you thank the relative and the relative presumably goes away thinking, boy, I came up with a really clever gift. Instead of you telling the relative the truth, which is I have absolutely no idea why you gave this to me.

00:25:33 Speaker_04
Is the constraints that we have in terms of the way we talk about gifts one of the reasons in some ways that we don't learn what recipients actually like?

00:25:42 Speaker_03
I think that's absolutely correct. Giving good feedback is a wonderful thing to do in many, many contexts. And there is a social taboo against giving proper feedback, meaning honest feedback, especially in the case where a gift fails.

00:25:55 Speaker_03
We're quick to tell somebody that we love their gifts, and that's great. We should reinforce those experiences. But we should also make sure that we tell people that the gift they gave us is not ideal.

00:26:05 Speaker_03
The difficulty with that is that you're challenging a very established goal of gift giving, which is to make the other person happy. And if I now come back and I tell you, actually, you failed. You didn't make me happy.

00:26:18 Speaker_03
I'm really potentially insulting you. And so we're very reluctant to do that as a society.

00:26:23 Speaker_04
Yeah. So your research has identified ways that we can get outside ourselves and perhaps get closer to what recipients are looking for.

00:26:32 Speaker_04
And perhaps the first insight is to scale back our impulse to show that we can not only read the minds of gift recipients, but that we know things that they want that even they didn't know they wanted.

00:26:45 Speaker_03
In a perfect world, I would be able to look into your brain and find out what you're looking for, what you would hope to receive, and then I execute on that. Of course, we don't live in that world. I can't do that.

00:26:56 Speaker_03
And so as soon as I realize that that's not possible, the next best thing is just to talk to you and understand what your preferences are and to avoid some of the mistakes that we make by mismatching between what it is you want and what it is I think you want.

00:27:11 Speaker_03
If we can do that, it's not quite mind reading, but it's as close, I think, as we can get.

00:27:15 Speaker_04
I remember we talked some time ago with psychologist Tessa West at NYU, and she studies how we read other people's minds, and her conclusion was really identical to yours, which is the best way to find out what's happening in someone else's mind is to ask them.

00:27:31 Speaker_03
I mean, I couldn't agree more. And I think, again, it speaks to the social norms that exist. We've built into our society, at least in our culture, this belief that if I ask you what you want, I've undermined the entire gift-giving enterprise.

00:27:44 Speaker_03
And I think that's a just catastrophic mistake that we're making. Because all we're doing at that point is saying, I'm going to do my best to guess what you want. And more often than not, we get it wrong.

00:27:53 Speaker_04
And then you have the obligation to tell me you like it, regardless of whether you do or not.

00:27:57 Speaker_03
And then I'll never learn. And that's exactly right.

00:28:04 Speaker_04
I understand that you and your wife have developed a method for acting on this research finding. What do you do, Jeff?

00:28:11 Speaker_03
Yeah, so my wife is also a social scientist, and so we're really good about trying to implement some of these things when we can.

00:28:18 Speaker_03
And the way that we've set up gift giving in our family, at least between my wife and myself, is that we have a Google Docs sheet that we share between the two of us.

00:28:26 Speaker_03
And whenever one of us has a desire for an item of some sort that kind of exceeds the minimum expense, we put it on there as a potential gift that we would love to receive at some point.

00:28:37 Speaker_03
And what's nice about that is when it's time for me to fulfill my obligation to say give my wife a birthday present, I'm not racking my brain trying to figure out what one of a thousand possibilities would make her happy.

00:28:48 Speaker_03
She's already told me what's going to make her happy by having this list. And one of the nice benefits of the list beyond just knowing what she wants is it still maintains an element of surprise.

00:28:58 Speaker_03
Except the surprise doesn't come in the form of the object, it comes in the form of the timing of the object itself. So she might know that she wants item X, but she's not going to know that I'm going to give it to her on that particular birthday.

00:29:11 Speaker_03
And so I get the benefit of being what, you know, what appears to be a thoughtful gift giver. And I get to be a little bit surprising because she doesn't know when she's going to get it. And she gets something that she genuinely wants.

00:29:23 Speaker_03
So everybody wins in that context. And it's been working for us for 12 years now of our marriage. And we'll keep going as long as we can.

00:29:32 Speaker_04
Have you found that when you get a gift that you have put on this Google Doc, this shared Google Doc, that in some ways you're less enthused about it than if the gift was something that you hadn't thought about, that your wife somehow stumbled on by accident?

00:29:47 Speaker_03
No, quite the opposite. I'm always overjoyed when I get exactly what it is that I want. And maybe that's a function of my personality. I'm very particular when it comes to things.

00:29:55 Speaker_03
I want that model and that version with that feature set for whatever it is that I'm dealing with. And it would be ridiculous for me to expect anyone to know what those idiosyncratic preferences would be. And so I want to provide that to her.

00:30:09 Speaker_03
I want to be able to tell her, if you're going to get me something in this product category, that's the one I want, not the other options. They're going to make me unhappy because now I'm stuck with those.

00:30:17 Speaker_03
because I can't go and replace them with the one I actually want because that would probably make my wife really upset if I did that.

00:30:23 Speaker_04
Yeah. Have you had a gift that you put on this sort of internal registry, I guess, that you really loved?

00:30:30 Speaker_03
So I would say the best gift that I've received in a long time is a gift that my wife gave me several years ago. I'm really into coffee, and she gave me a pretty fancy espresso machine. And again, it hit every mark.

00:30:44 Speaker_03
It is something that I explicitly wanted. It was the exact model of the thing that I wanted. It's something that I use every single day, multiple times every day in fact. It brings me a ton of joy because it makes great coffee.

00:30:58 Speaker_03
And on top of everything, every single time I use it, I am genuinely reminded of her and of the generosity that she had in giving me that gift. And so it is not in any way undermining the quality of the gift. It's doing the exact opposite.

00:31:13 Speaker_04
I understand there's also been research on the relative value of gifts that involve material things and gifts involving experiences. Tell me a little bit about this research, Jeff.

00:31:24 Speaker_03
Yeah, there's been a fair bit of work in psychology generally looking at the difference between experiences and material possessions, just outside of the world of gift-giving.

00:31:31 Speaker_03
And what you tend to find in that work is that all else being equal, if you fix things on price, experiences tend to bring more joy to people. And that plays out exactly in gift giving as well.

00:31:42 Speaker_03
The challenge, though, is that gift givers don't understand and appreciate this. So gift givers prefer to give material possessions over experiences, again, all else being equal. But recipients prefer the opposite.

00:31:55 Speaker_03
And so there's this disconnect where you'd be much better off giving an experiential gift most of the time, and recipients would be much happier with that.

00:32:03 Speaker_03
But gift givers, again, just like the other examples, they fail to learn that this is something that's valuable.

00:32:09 Speaker_04
I wonder if this partly stems from the problem we discussed earlier, which is that givers really care about the wow factor in gifts.

00:32:18 Speaker_04
And so if you hand someone, you know, tickets to a concert, for example, the wow might come when the person goes to the concert, not at the point at which the tickets are given. Whereas if you give something that's, you know, really big, gaudy,

00:32:31 Speaker_04
you know, bauble that can be wrapped in lots of paper, then the wow factor is sort of much sharper at the point at which the gift is being given. Do you think that's connected?

00:32:40 Speaker_03
I think that's probably part of what's going on there. I think what you wind up finding in an experience is that two things can happen. One is

00:32:49 Speaker_03
The experience brings people closer together, but like you point out, that might be later on in time, so it doesn't really manifest in the moment.

00:32:55 Speaker_03
But then even when it's not bringing people together, like if I give you tickets to a show that I don't plan to go with you to, that still has more utility and more value for you. So yes, I agree completely.

00:33:06 Speaker_03
You're failing to put a smile on the person's face at the moment of exchange, but you're potentially providing a very valuable experience down the road.

00:33:15 Speaker_04
Have you put this advice to life in your own life? Do you tend to give more experiential gifts now?

00:33:20 Speaker_03
Almost exclusively. Yeah. I mean, with the exception of my kids, who just want more toys, I almost exclusively do gifts. So my wife, her and I, our anniversary is coming up.

00:33:30 Speaker_03
And we collectively decided that rather than exchange material gifts, we're going to take a day off of work and spend the day at a nice spa getting massages and then have a really nice dinner afterwards. And both of us cannot wait to do that.

00:33:41 Speaker_03
There's no reservation about not receiving something physical or tangible. We really prefer that. And I try to live that as much as I can.

00:33:50 Speaker_04
Have you tried to communicate to other people, like your parents, that you actually prefer experiential gifts rather than material gifts?

00:33:58 Speaker_03
Very much so. So my parents were a tough nut to crack. They like giving material possessions. But eventually, I've convinced them. And the best gift that they continuously give me is the gift of babysitting.

00:34:11 Speaker_03
So my parents don't live in the same city as us. They come in every once in a while to see their grandkids.

00:34:18 Speaker_03
And they've now been offering more than anything else as a gift for a birthday or something else to watch the kids for a couple of days, to let me and my wife go off and travel somewhere.

00:34:28 Speaker_03
there's really nothing better that I could possibly have that would be a possession than that gift. So I'm so grateful for it.

00:34:35 Speaker_04
I understand that givers often avoid presents that have sentimental value because these presents seem less impressive than something that costs a lot of money. How do sentimental gifts sit with recipients, Jeff?

00:34:47 Speaker_03
Yeah, so sentimental gifts are gifts that recipients love to have. Because again, if you think about what the function of a gift could be, it is to bring people together.

00:34:56 Speaker_03
And a gift that has sentimental value, so imagine a photograph of a time that you spent with a friend, or even something as rudimentary as a token, like a shell that you picked up on a beach after walking with somebody down it.

00:35:08 Speaker_03
as a gift, they have very little material value, right, from a dollar perspective, but they're so special and they act as such a reminder of the relationship that they're very valuable to recipients.

00:35:19 Speaker_03
Unfortunately, much like some of these other examples, gift givers get that wrong. And part of that is gift givers tend to be risk averse when they give gifts.

00:35:28 Speaker_03
And so if I know for a fact that if I get you a jersey from a football player that you're a big fan of, I know you're going to like that.

00:35:36 Speaker_03
And so I'm more likely to give you that low-risk gift than the high-risk sentimental gift where I'm just not sure if that's going to be enjoyable, even though what we find in research is that those sentimental gifts are very, very well-received, often much more so than the sure thing.

00:35:51 Speaker_04
I understand you once took a trip to Antarctica with your wife, and she gave you a wonderful gift afterwards. Tell me about it, Jeff.

00:35:59 Speaker_03
This was our baby moon, I think people call it. This is the last big trip that we took before we had our first child. Upon returning, I had no expectation of this at all, but she got me this beautiful poster, which was handcrafted by an artisan.

00:36:14 Speaker_03
that says, I love you from here to Antarctica. And the lettering is made up of all the places that we visited on that trip. And so the trip was, you know, it's a trip of a lifetime. It's an absolutely incredible trip to go on.

00:36:25 Speaker_03
And it's made all the more special that I shared it with my wife. And now I have this amazing memento that I look at. It's hanging up very prominently in our home. And every time I pass it and I notice it,

00:36:36 Speaker_03
It's a reminder of that wonderful experience and the relationship that I have with her. So the cost of that was probably very low. I mean, I had to imagine it was $50 or so. But the meaningfulness of it is off the charts.

00:36:49 Speaker_04
I understand that you have also reciprocated and given your wife sentimental gifts.

00:36:53 Speaker_03
Absolutely. So one that comes to mind is when our daughter was born, that's our first child, I had an artisan craft a necklace with three pendants on it and each pendant had one of our names on it. So it was kind of to signify our family.

00:37:07 Speaker_03
And again, it wasn't the most valuable gift from a monetary perspective, but my wife really cherished it. And then when our son was born a few years later, I had the same artisan craft a fourth pendant with his name on it.

00:37:18 Speaker_03
And so now she has this necklace commemorating our family. And I know that she loves that necklace quite a bit. And again, it's not because it's got fancy diamonds or rubies in it or anything like that. Far from it. It's a pretty plain necklace.

00:37:30 Speaker_03
But the sentiment is so very strong.

00:37:37 Speaker_04
One of the important conventions in gift-giving is that we often give gifts on important occasions, birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's Day. Tell me what research has found about breaking those conventions and giving gifts at other times of the year.

00:37:52 Speaker_03
Yeah, this is probably my all-time favorite and largest recommendation that I can give to anyone listening to this program, which is that if you're going to give a gift, do it, what I like to say, on a random Tuesday.

00:38:04 Speaker_03
The value that people get when they receive gifts on non-occasions, so not your birthday, not Christmas, not some other holiday, that value is so much higher on a random Tuesday. And that is because they have no expectations.

00:38:20 Speaker_03
On a birthday, you know that the people around you are probably going to get you gifts. And so your expectations are actually reasonably high for the quality of that gift to meet or exceed those expectations.

00:38:30 Speaker_03
But on a random Tuesday, you're just going through your day, enjoying your life. There's no expectation of anything. And so if someone who cares about you gives you a gift, even a very low value one, from a monetary perspective, you beam.

00:38:44 Speaker_03
And you could imagine it's not that hard to think about examples of this. Receiving flowers on a birthday is great. Receiving flowers on a Valentine's Day, that's great too. But receiving flowers from a partner on a random Tuesday, that's amazing.

00:38:58 Speaker_03
That is an opportunity to show that person you care about them, not just when you're supposed to care about them on the days we've been told to care, but all the time.

00:39:06 Speaker_03
And so we find that the utility and the value that receivers get on these non-occasion gifts is just much, much higher than it is for gifts that they receive for special occasions.

00:39:22 Speaker_04
I suppose that one of the implications of this is that when you have an impulse of generosity towards someone, instead of saying, you know, oh, this is a good idea, I'm going to save it for their next birthday, it's just to give them the gift right away.

00:39:35 Speaker_03
I think that's exactly right. Now, I think there are probably constraints around that. Some things are just not financially feasible. But that's the beauty of these non-occasion gifts.

00:39:42 Speaker_03
It does not take a lot of money to make somebody happy because, again, their expectations at that moment are zero.

00:39:48 Speaker_03
And so even a token gift worth a few dollars can mean a tremendous amount, and often even more than a comparably expensive gift on an occasion.

00:40:01 Speaker_04
I understand that you yourself were given an unexpected gift by a running buddy. Tell me that story, Jeff.

00:40:07 Speaker_03
Friendships, new friendships, when you're an adult are difficult. I'm sure I'm not the only person who thinks that. And so when you find somebody who you connect with, I think it's really important to foster that relationship.

00:40:17 Speaker_03
And I don't think I realized that quite as much until this particular friend. I was socializing with him at an event that had nothing to do with my birthday. I don't like to make a big deal out of that.

00:40:27 Speaker_03
And he learned spontaneously that it happened to be my birthday. And he gave me a survival ax. What is a survival ax?

00:40:35 Speaker_03
Imagine like a hand axe, but you could unscrew the bottom and it has a compass in it and some paracord and you can convert it into a shovel and it's the kind of thing where if you were stuck in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, I guess you could survive with it.

00:40:50 Speaker_03
I mean, he knows I'm an outdoorsy person, he knows I enjoy camping, so I guess it's not completely out of context there, but I had no expectation of anything.

00:40:58 Speaker_03
And so he gave me this gift, I think in part because he cared about me, and that's great, but in part probably strategically because it is a way to in fact create connection with somebody.

00:41:09 Speaker_03
And again, the reason that gift landed so well, with me at least, is because I didn't expect it. If this was a birthday party that I had invited him to, I would expect him to have a gift perhaps, right, as many birthday parties do.

00:41:21 Speaker_03
But this was just a random day that happened to be my birthday. And so he did that, I think, out of genuine generosity and genuine care for the relationship.

00:41:31 Speaker_04
So in many ways, Jeff, I think what I'm hearing is that being a good gift giver really means putting yourself second and putting the recipient first. And perhaps the ultimate form of selfless gift giving is the anonymous gift.

00:41:46 Speaker_04
I understand that you've been part of a rather unusual gift exchange for a number of years now. Can you tell me about it, Jeff?

00:41:53 Speaker_03
So the website Reddit, which is a popular social media platform, had for years now something called the Reddit Gift Exchange. And it started with an exchange around Christmas. This was the Secret Santa Gift Exchange.

00:42:06 Speaker_03
And it was quite an impressive feat. So at the height of it, I think they had millions of people logging into this platform, committing to give a gift to a random stranger who they didn't know much about for the holidays.

00:42:18 Speaker_03
And they would also then expect to receive a gift, though not from the same person. And it's usually done with very minimal information. There's a form that people fill out about their preferences and their desires.

00:42:28 Speaker_03
And I might tell you my age and my gender and maybe some of my hobbies and things of that sort. And there's also an expectation set about the expense that people should undertake.

00:42:37 Speaker_03
So if I remember correctly, the suggested spending amount was about $20 plus shipping. And it was wonderful. I did it for years. I never received a truly amazing gift, to be perfectly honest.

00:42:47 Speaker_03
They were all fairly mundane, but it was still really fun because it's this moment where a random stranger from somewhere else in the world is sending me something for no reason at all, right? There's no expectation of reciprocity.

00:43:00 Speaker_03
There's no expectation that I'll ever even really thank them other than in some anonymous fashion. And then they still continue giving the next year. And I just think that's wonderful. I mean, people really aren't doing this out of obligation.

00:43:14 Speaker_03
They're doing this because it's just a nice thing to do around the holidays.

00:43:20 Speaker_04
I understand that you're a fan of the O. Henry short story, The Gift of the Magi. Yes. How does that story speak to your work, Jeff?

00:43:27 Speaker_03
So the story, put very simply, is that a husband and wife, who don't have a lot of wealth, are looking to give one another a holiday gift around the Christmas time.

00:43:37 Speaker_03
And what we know in the story is that the husband really loves his watch and the wife really loves her hair.

00:43:43 Speaker_03
And so in thinking about what gift to give to one another, the wife winds up cutting off her hair to sell it so that she can get a chain for her husband's watch, while the husband actually sells the watch to get a comb or a brush for the wife.

00:43:57 Speaker_03
And so the irony there, of course, is that neither one of them can use the gifts they gave, but it was truly a selfless decision to give away their prized possession so that their partner can actually have something valuable.

00:44:08 Speaker_03
And I think it's a wonderful sentiment. It speaks to a lot of people. But I think the major problem with that story is that the whole thing could have been avoided had they just talked to one another. That's it.

00:44:24 Speaker_03
In all seriousness, if the wife had asked the husband what he was hoping to receive and the husband had asked the wife the same, they wouldn't have been in a position of having two useless items at the end of this and losing their most precious possessions.

00:44:38 Speaker_03
And so this really speaks to a recommendation that I always give, which is just ask. If you just talk to another human being and ask them what it is that might make them happy in terms of a gift context, you're just almost always better off.

00:44:55 Speaker_04
Jeff Gallick is a marketing researcher at Carnegie Mellon University. Jeff, thank you so much for joining me today on Hidden Brain.

00:45:03 Speaker_03
It was my pleasure.

00:45:15 Speaker_04
Hidden Brain is produced by Hidden Brain Media. Our audio production team includes Annie Murphy-Paul, Kristen Wong, Laura Querell, Ryan Katz, Autumn Barnes, Andrew Chadwick, and Nick Woodbury. Tara Boyle is our executive producer.

00:45:30 Speaker_04
I'm Hidden Brain's executive editor. If you're looking for a holiday gift for a fellow Hidden Brain fan in your life, we have two ideas to share with you. You can now give a gift subscription to Hidden Brain Plus.

00:45:44 Speaker_04
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00:45:59 Speaker_04
That site again is shop.hiddenbrain.org. From all of us at Hidden Brain, happy holidays, and we really appreciate your support. I'm Shankar Vedantham. See you soon.